Instead of willing yourself into precognitive abilities, you could also just decide to have been born a cis woman. Let's not throw out that equally valid option.
I married a MAN who after 20 years of marriage thinks he's now a woman. Now you tell me how the hell to choose carefully when he himself didn't realize it until NOW.
When the parents can effectively co parent. There are many parents who actively work to destroy the other parent which causes horrific damages to the children. It's awful
The sad truth is the child is being exploited for financial gains. I had an ex in london I been with for 8 years . Our first daughter was disabled while . She was getting all sort of money from the government. Free house ,free car she only put I fuel. She was still taking money from me even though I was illegal in the country struggling. When we broke up 8byears later. She was demanding money from me and not what child support told me to pay. Because she never like the fee she made my life hell. When I went to court and got contact i got arrested on the first day of contact in the contact centre and the allegation was RAPE She claim to have happened 6 month prior. The court dont care because as long as we keep fueding and dont get along they get a fee from those payments. Why are they getting a fee? Because they are a law of thier own. They operate in thier own court system. Court system by the way is fictional. From the lawyers to the judges are all in on the scam. This is why most legislations are ACT. They are all actors.
I'm not allowed to see my kids even though I'm willing and i pay. She hates me and she got them a new dad, from whom she is also divorced. That's two CS payments 2X a month. She doesn't even have to work anymore.
That‘s horrible. I think there can be bad behavior on both sides. My sisters husband repeatedly cheated on her, she wanted to stay together, do counseling etc but he then wanted to split. She was very upset, especially because she supported his career for 14 years and stayed at home and after having a job for a while, away from the family he decided to be with a over 10 years younger woman. My sister can’t get a good job because she was gone from the working world too long, also she want’s to be there at least half days for the child. However, she wants the best for her child, she wants the Dad to be there as often as possible (so no restrictions on visitation) and she made friends with the girlfriend because if the child is over there or they come to visit she wants the child to feel like there is an extended family, not a reduction of one. I really admire her for her strength…she was so heart broken and yet put it all aside for her kids sake.
Have you attempted to get equal time each month? If that is a possible lifestyle for you then you can end up not paying the other at all or paying very little. Child support is needed for some deadbeat parents for sure, but it sucks for parents that want to be responsible. Now what I will say is that it’s not ok for either parent to think just because they are not making the money they want to stop supporting their child financially. Kids have to eat regardless and it’s sad that so many of our kids in the US have to depend on tax dollars to feed them instead of both parents pitching in to make sure the kids are good. I also think there needs to be a cap on how much a parent has to pay. Just because a man is rich doesn’t mean that he has to make his X wife rich from child support. That’s just flat out wrong! And many women abuse that aspect of the broken system for sure! Also custody should be based on stability not biological sex, there are just as many crap as mothers as crap ass dads.
Those American judges in Family Court need to explain how putting a father in jail for being unable to pay child support actually helps anyone. What a sadistic joke of a justice system.
If you think that's sadistic...😂 there's big money for family court judges in taking kids from *both* parents. It's a lot easier for them to do that if one of the parents is incarcerated.
I had neighbors who were literally the coolest divorced couple. They didn't exchange money. Instead, they moved within a mile of each other, they supported their kids by buying the kids stuff directly and they had a regular back and forth schedule. No fighting, just two adults raising kids without having to live with each other
I’m not divorced, however my wife and I split for several months a few years ago and that is how we did it. We had 50/50 time with the kids and I helped her when ever she needed something for the kids. We lived an hour from each other and I have drove that far just to deliver some diapers. My wife never even wanted to do child support because she also believes the system is messed up. However the lawyers told both us us that there was no way we could get divorced without me paying lots of money. How does that work for 50/50 custody? Anyway we have been back together for five years and would not trade our relationship for anything in the world.
@@davidisimo6421 I’ve read there’s a Scandinavian country where the child remains in one home, and the parents take turns staying there. Sounds a lot better. Why should the child be shuttled back and forth with a suitcase, destabilized?
That was full of things I don't think many people are aware of, myself included. You made some excellent points. Thank you for bringing so many of us up-to-speed!
My child's father was unable to support her. I never received any money and I never bothered asking. I supported and raised her myself. I was not the best mother but I turned out to be an excellent "father". My child was never in poverty, rent and utilities always paid. And we always had food. I worked very hard at physically exhausting jobs and earned men's wages (this was 48 years ago). But how I hate our nation's family court system. Especially when it comes to spousal maintenance. I deeply resent that.
Thank you for this Dr. , this is such an important subject that is rarely looked at in depth. This hits close to home, my parents divorced when i was 10, I didnt see my father for a few months during custody discussions and was left with my borderline/narc mom, he couldn't pay support cause he was busy looking after my dying grandpa, the stress caused him to attempt suicide for which he was hospitalised for a few months and from the moment he was released he had to account for those huge debts, he could barely finance his own home which dissuaded me from going there and visiting him. So much could've been prevented by a more humane system.
One of the best and objective reviews on the CS System I’ve seen. Going through the system, you will quickly learn that Child Support has nothing to do with actually supporting the children. It’s a play on words. It’s actually spousal support because the money can be used on anything. Additionally, you can and I am, a father with 50/50 joint custody and still pay the full amount in CS. It’s broken by design to create the conditions that will keep people in the system. Predispose the children to also being in the system with mental health issues from being alienated from one parent setting them up for getting arrested etc. It’s the source of many downstream problems in our society, but the system wants those problems to continue, otherwise the system is no longer needed. Thank you for helping to get the word out on this system of abuse.
''One of the best and objective reviews on CS System I've seen''. If this is the case you haven't seen an objective review. Objectively women don't pay child support and can put their children up for adoption if they don't want them. Child support has nothing to do with child care. It is simply society forcing men to give money to women
@@alexcat6480 It was enforced against me ruthlessly but I fought it. I had a divorce agreement that specified I was not obligated (I gave him custody of the kids- much to his pleasure and my total pain)
@@GMarieBehindTheMask Just giving an example that it can go both ways in response to something Dr Grande said. My parents get along fine and no support was requested if you must know... Not cool to attack people for commenting or sharing about their personal family dynamic on this channel.
Dr. Grande you come off as so intellectually honest and reasonable. It gives me hope to think that your calm demeanor and reasonable presentation of the facts has changed some people's minds on this, and many other "controversial" subjects you have talked about. Keep up the quality content Sir!
The system will not change no matter how many minds you change, so long as there is female preference in the average person, and that is something most don't want to confront.
@@tommyvercetti70 I disagree. Changing people's minds *is the way* you create change in the system. Just look at any social movement in the last 100 years: women's right to vote, the civil rights movement, gay marriage. Big controversial movements that eventually succeeded due to the changing of people's minds. It won't be easy, and it will probably take a long time still, but informative videos like this are only helping. Just read some of the comments where people say they didn't even know this stuff, or that they were misinformed but now know the truth.
My ex and I split parenting time 50/50 we both get our daughter 3.5 days a week. We don’t have a child support arrangement. We just split costs of extracurriculars and copays education etc. I’m happy with our agreement. Our daughter benefits more from having both parents consistently in her life.
Thank-you for sharing.... It's important we hear about the positive co-parenting situations too!... Not just the horrible ones.. I think it depends on the parents personalities too ... If they can be mature and accepting adults putting the child first...and treating one another with respect still...
Idea: issue a debit card of sorts to the mother that the child support payments will be placed on each month. This will allow for easy accountability of where/how the money is being spent (rent payments, food, clothing & other items for the child).
42 USC 1994 CHILD SUPPORT IS PEONAGE THERE ARE NO AREARS AREARS ARE EX POST FACTO LAW THEY CANNOT EXIST IF YOU ENFORCE THEM YOU HAVE NO IMMUNITY UNDER 42 USC 1983. ABOLISH THIS SYSTEM OF DAMAGE TO THE FAMILY UNIT. 🙄 YOU ARE DAMAGING OUR PARENT CHILD RELATIONSHIPS AND VIOLATING ALL OF OUR RIGHTS. EUCLID, RULE OF LAW: Non Obligo Est Non Legis CEASE AND DESIST ORDER Please cease and desist immediately you are commiting Duress, Coercion, peonage, fraud on the court, oath violation, conspiracy to commit a rights violation, color of law, bribery, racketeering, embezzlement, human trafficking, false imprisonment, theft of property, due process violation, invoulentary servitude, and child trafficking, bill of attainder, ex post facto law and kidnapping. All child support cases are void on their face no matter the situation they are using crime to enforce a law that was never enacted. When you violate your oath of office as a judge, police officer, or public official by not upholding constitutionally enshrined rights by law you cease to hold authority and judicial powers and lose immunity under 42 usc 1983. Euclid Has passed ruling on this matter.
Dr. Grande - I almost didn't watch this video because of the subject/topic but because it was YOU I figured "ah let's see what the good doc had to say" because I love your balanced approach to controversial topics usually. I was a lawyer for 20 years. My first law firm job out of law school did family/domestic law. I quit that Firm after 11 months and thereafter STEADFASTLY REFUSED to ever do that niche area of law again. This is because I had zero tolerance for the toxic acrimony of the proceedings. Way too many hundreds of times I had fathers as clients who sobbed openly because they did not want the divorce, wanted their intact family and were nearly suicidal over the loss of same. Then came the doubleheader smackdown of "by the way, you're going to broke forever and rarely see your children." These poor men were utterly emotionally destroyed. Then the mothers I had for clients would come in and be nothing but hatefully evil and INSIST that their guaranteed result from hiring me was that I must be as vengeful as possible in Court towards their exes and they wanted maximum monetary compensation + a guarantee that the Judge would order no custody to Dad. Why? Because they were bad fathers? Nope. Because the women essentially used them as a sperm bank to get a permanent bank account stream from the Dads. Plus, the way every female mother client immediately began demanding the children hate their father was unbearable to witness. I watched mothers tell 7 year old children horrid rumors about their Dads to try and compel said hatred and be in alliance only with the mothers - things a 7 year old cannot even process. So many of these mothers had 4 kids from 4 different Dads to maximum their financial gain. It was abhorrent to witness. What is wrong with a significant portion of the breeding female population that they actually set out to "trap" the guys and as soon as the child comes suddenly they hate their husbands and demand divorce. In every case, the fathers would beg for Court-ordered ADR or mediation to try to put their families back together and every mother said NO to same. Men get absolutely destroyed in family court and it's worse than an injustice because ultimately the children suffer almost all of the psychological damage. It was soul-destroying to witness which is why I never did it again. Men should also know that these domestic law firms claiming to specialize in "Father's Rights" that are so prevalent now are but a scam. They charge 4x as much in attorney's fees and almost always get a worse outcome for the Dads than if Dad had hired any regular divorce lawyer from a random online database. Finally, you are absolutely accurate in that the Courts are failing everyone in this Country by not being current on the prevalence and damage of psycopathic narcissists - and not just in divorce law. In EVERY kind of law. Criminal law often misses it completely and sets the psycopath free saying "the victim had to be exaggerating because the narcissist presented like a perfectly charming, kind, person IN COURT who could not have done what the victim claimed to have endured. Also, domestic violence laws do not take any relationship with a narcissist into protected legal status unless they were sexually intimate. 62% of DV deaths are intimate partner relationships. The rest are a psycopathic landlord terrorizing a tenant, a neighbor terrorizing a neighbor victim or even the damn mailman could be a narcissist who becomes obsessed with someone and starts slowly destroying their life. But victims not in the 62% get zero relief under the law. When WHEN will the Courts catch up with the skyrocketing prevalence of psycopathic narcissism and see it for the clear and present danger it is for ALL victims - no matter the relationship between the narc and the victim. This needs to happen immediately along with a complete overhaul of the Family Court system. How are such educated people as JUDGES completely unaware of the epidemic of narcissism and its devastating effects - often lifelong- on survivors???
Deb W Counsel, you answered all of your questions at , “Finally... “ You yourself are not taking into consideration that the epidemic of Unhealthy Narcissism was alive and presenting in your early practicing days .
I have tried to explain to sooooo many people to stop making this about gender- the family court destroys men and woman alike. They destroy non custodial women parents just the same as they do men. But thanks for your insight.
Dr. Grande. This is highly relevant. Thank you. Now, since you already did the research, Why not write a well based article (as is your custome)?, maybe a meta study, about this issues. Get the info out there so policy gets influenced. You'd do a good service. Again thank you for your efforts.
Payroll manager here. I process these. It isnt a myth, maybe overblown, but definitely not a myth. I have had employees go out of their way to not pay even minimum child support. Also, no garnishment or support orders can be more than 25% of your pay combined. Its illegal for it to be higher.
It truly bothers me to even mention this, but my brother in law pays nearly ~63% of his salary to my sister. He works over 60 hours a week driving and almost never gets to even see his daughter. Furthermore, this is after my sister coerced him to quickly relocate to Florida, from his home in Pennsylvania, where she proceeded to essentially destroy him financially, emotionally, and even spiritually....but what genuinely disturbed me even more is how my sister callously joked about maintaining custody of my niece solely for the money, stating it could cover the car payment. She really doesn’t seem to care how unhappy my niece is. I have such a hard time understanding that level of cruelty 🤕 I wish there was a way to help my niece. But I digress. Anyway, I agree there are a lot of variables the courts urgently needs to take into consideration regarding child support. I also believe they need to take a more objective approach by not taking the mothers side by default. I’m not really understanding why this is still a current issue. 🤔 But I don’t have enough familiarity with how it all works to form an adequate opinion.
My chap is faced with a combined tax rate of 72%. 20% of that is child support paid to his ex wife who has not worked a day in the last 15 years, and who has no intention of ever working. She already receives £1400 a month off the state (tax payers) for her children and an additional 20% of the fathers wage. In addition to that, she gets her own benefit allowance. She has no reason to ever go back to work, she can live if the rest of us who are paying our taxes. (FYI, that's a large disposable income in comparison to those who work & pay taxes). She uses CS as a method to blackmail, bully and harass my partner, after she had already spent 5 years cheating on him and running up £15, 000 debt on their joint accounts. The father receives no state support, pays full tax (whereas single stay at home mothers pay none), and he has the expenses of having the kids weekends & holidays... Oh, and he has nothing left over to support me or his new baby. In fact, I have to support him, and by extension his ex wife. CS was originally introduced in Britain in order to recoup costs to the state of supporting single mothers, and originally the more CS you got the less government support you got. Today CS has no effect on the benefits you can receive from the government... Which means being a single mother can be very financially lucrative. Bizarrely, mothers get paid more if they withhold contact from the father. And it's second families who pay the highest price, often thrown into poverty by supporting the "first family" household, despite the evident financial disparity between households. Google "Hidden Parent Poverty Trap" by the Centre for Social Justice. (UK) There are 600, 000 Non Resident Parents faced with marginal tax rates of up to 122%, which means many actually can't afford to pay CS and keep a roof over their heads, many are *systematically* in debt. Yet these people are labeled "dead beats dads"... More like the victims of narcissistic abuse. The system now financially rewards broken homes, and not families. Men, I feel for ya... Signed, Woman.
@Sinead Osbourne. Great comment. Nothing more to add, just wanted to thank for the information and compassion, and I comment here so I can receive notifications if anybody responds or if you add anything more.
Gentlemen, men have to work together to abolish child support. It has always been about transferring a man's income to a woman using the child as an excuse.
@@sinnyozzy Tell your chap to identify as a woman and see what happens. Biological men beat women in sports these days, perhaps they can beat them at child support.
i think i agree with most of what you have said. I had full custody, and think it would have been better for all concerned if custody would have been shared. To me, it's not showing up for the kids that makes a deadbeat dad, not inability to pay. I think the paternity should depend on whether he was lied to. IF he adopted a non-biological child, with his eyes open, he should be responsible IF he was lied to and cheated on, he should not.
@@Snarge22 I read one of the comments saying that paternity tests were illegal in some country's to "protect the security of the family". Last time I checked that law exacerbated the decline of the family instead. Which airhead decided that getting rid of accountability would help the situation.
Yep, you are completely correct@@muhammadedwards8425 . I look at the situation where societies have to keep women in check as, like children, they are not held to any level of responsibilities as men. Men today have the same obligations and responsibilities they've had had throughout history, and now even more today. While women have all sorts of freedoms and rights, yet are rarely held to a level of responsibility that comes with those freedoms. Paternity fraud is but once example. Get this; in most western countries, even if the wife cheats, has a child by another man and the husband knows about it, he is still financially responsible. Again, his responsibility, her freedom.
This video really spoke to me. I have a dear friend who basically got screwed both ways. She has an actual deadbeat dad who would spend his money on his newer children instead of paying the child support all while verbally abusing her and her mom is equally abusive maybe even more so. She would take the money and spend it on luxuries for her own pleasure instead of basic things like food or medicine, and since the mom is a compulsive buyer they have been living in poverty the entirety of my friends life. Its been an uphill battle for her to escape that toxic environment that she still has to deal with every day and I honestly sometimes feel helpless for her. The system really is trash.
I am a big fan, Dr. Grande, and truly appreciate your knowledge and judgment. Personally, I don't know anyone in this situation and haven't heard such extreme injustices experienced by some fathers. I became pregnant with my first child at age 26 and a half and accepted full responsibility for taking care of him. His father and I were only casually dating, and he was not ready to be a parent. I was really sad when I thought of my child not having a father present, and tried hard to change his mind during the pregnancy. He paid $300 and provided medical insurance, and it was modified to $361 for the last few years. He saw our child a little bit for the first year, and then almost never for many years. My child never spent the night at his house. I got married when he was almost 3 and my husband became his devoted dad. The biological father has a degree from Washington University in St. Louis and no addictions, no mental health problems that I could tell except maybe self-centeredness. He chose to own and run bicycle shops and works hard, but has been only peripherally involved. Some thoughts on what you have said: Perhaps your clients are mostly men since you are a male therapist, so you hear more of the men's side? Also, while I didn't review the literature, I believe a higher percentage of mothers provide care for children in families. I think by a lot. So I don't know if what you have presented here is unbiased. I do think the formulas for figuring out child support make little sense. I believe a lot of reform is needed.
Nah, nah he mentions your case. In short you were arrogant enough not to file for child support. Maybe you didn't forgive that stallion his "self-centeredness".
You have presented the best fair and balanced approach to the most controversial topic in today's society. Please go work with family court - you could make positive changes that would help everyone.
My son's involved father paid child support and in time, HIS living situation was more favorable for my son, so he moved with his dad and we adjudicated the agreement through the juvenile court of our jurisdiction. Not once did he mention, nor was I ever compelled to pay child support.. in FACT, I gave him the debit card that his child support was loaded to because it took more than A YEAR for the payments to stop being deducted from his wages..
If the shoe were on the other foot, men would rarely ask women to pay for child support. We can see this already when the courts occasionally grant custody to the father. Same with divorce, how often do men rinse women dry? It's just not the done thing.
@@anarki777 I know tons of men who sued for child support but the reason you don't hear about it is because women don't cry and whine about it like men do.
@@winning3329 - Hahahaha, yeah right. Don't lie. Who the fuck has met TONNES of men who've sued for child support? I haven't met a single one or even HEARD of a single one in my whole life. And women don't complain? My fuckin' ass! Women complain constantly. If there is nothing to complain about, women will find something to complain about. Women literally complain about men not putting the toilet seat down. PUT IT DOWN YOURSELF BITCH!
I was a stay at home mom facing divorce... completely dependent on my husband financially... I had been out of the work force for 5 years and I was scared to death... but you know what I realized? He is not financially responsible for me and if our family splits, we are now both financially responsible for our son. And my husband was facing having to hand me over half of his paycheck every Single month for child support and alimony. Alimony for half the length of the marriage... So 5 years. I wouldn’t have allowed it. That’s complete and utter bullshit. We’re trying to work it out... but if we don’t, we will agree to the conditions... we aren’t leaving our future in the hands of the court.
Prayers for you, make sure that you are covered. So you can get time to get back in the work force. Child support is for the care of the children, food, shelter, clothing
@@brusselsprout5851 they are selfish... They miss the point we are to compliment one another and love one another build each other up and be the safe place for one another to land. Too many have the all about me syndrome. It gets really bad when kids arrive. Just selfishness, God even says husband is to give himself up for her. Many do not even comprehend the meaning of service, versus selfish. Sad world we have all created.
@@donnalangley117 ''we are to compliment one another and love one another'' This is romantic fantasy. Marriage has been a defunct institution for generations now. It's about time we let it die
My ex husband left when my daughter was 2 (she will be 16 this year) and he has not paid a PENNY in child support. He has been court ordered to pay £250 a month from his salary of £2500. He owes me £42,000 in child support. I am disabled and still work full time AND a part time job in order to provide for her and keep our house. In the UK they have done nothing to try and collect the money. It makes me feel totally sick when i think of how much more I could have done for her - taken her on holiday, paid for music lessons. I can tell you that it costs a hell of a lot more than £250 to raise a child and yet somehow i have ended up being apparently the only parent responsible.
AND lying to someone about birth control needs to be prosecuted for what it actually is, SEXUAL ASSAULT!! People shouldn't be allowed to harvest children as cash cows by usurping someone's consent/reproductive autonomy!!
As long as the Government is involved in marriage, I will not be. Thanks for talking about this. It's much over do. Although I'd lean towards communities deciding rather than the government. Cheers!
@@reneekatz You forgot the most important reason. Marriage is anti male garbage. It has nothing positive to offer men even if the government wasn't involved
@@reneekatz You are delusional. Women got married in the past to be looked after by a man. They do it now to take advantage of men. Marriage has always been Pro -female.
@@reneekatz What are you talking about? At no point in your incoherent ramblings did you form anything resembling a valid argument. Everyone has now been made dumber by having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Alimony, child support, and loss of accumulated wealth that I worked so hard to earn is the reason I went MGTOW. I made that decision in 1997, stopped dating in 2009, and retired 11 years early due to all the surplus income because I was never obliterated in divorce court.
That's majority of child support. I've been paying for 9 years and only about 20% of that has actually gone to my kids. My greedy ex always spends on herself. She's taken more vacations than anyone I've known
@@brittc7614 well obviously my brother and he has the check stubbs to prove it that he paid for 18 years regardless of what the money was spent on which i guarantee alot was spent on herself because she held great animosity toward my brother. sour breakup because the relationship was toxic and he left because he realized it wasn't good for him to stay.
Britty C that’s right it’s a heavy burden on a woman to do it all all alone!! He should t have gotten that woman pregnant if he didn’t want to be together for a long time
Thank you so much for this. It really makes me glad that I never had to be involved in this whole thing. I know a woman who worked as a stripper and then had 3 children by 3 different men, and her life was FILLED with "daddy drama," child support included in that drama.
An accurate presentation of the Scandinavian model whereby from the get go custody is assumed to be joint/shared and support is not based upon the income of either spouse, but rather, a set (small) monetary amount to cover the needs of the child, NOT the parent! The result equals no divorce lawyers or family courts, because there is no money to be chased after. Both parents are involved equally in the child's life which as the Doc states benefits the child immensely. In the Western model children have become pawns for financial gain. Not all women abuse this system, but, ALL women can! That is a huge problem. Given that very few men would vote against the system the Doc described and which is actually in place in other countries and shows far greater levels of both child and parental success, ladies, question time, how many of you would vote for it?
@@larbot3433 Translation - I know of so many women who chose to be with men who are of a character that has no desire to be a parent. Would you vote for the Scandinavian model that had demonstrably shown better outcomes for children? Yes or no. If you can't immediately answer yes....
@@vaughanstarr3725 You've contradicted your original post and completely missed my point. Your argument is that men would vote for a system where they get equal & shared custody by default. My counter was that there are many men who do not want shared custody and in fact the data indicates (as Dr Grande pointed out) that a lot of men do not seek custody to begin with. Therefore, I don't believe that men would vote for this model. I am completely for a model in which men and women are seen as equally responsible and accountable for their childrens well being and care.
@@larbot3433 Again, you deny the culpability of your gender in choice of partner, but in group preferencing in women is far higher than it is in men, so that is to be expected. And yes, there are a number of men who do not seek custody because the entire family court structure is geared against them. The Scandi model proves this! For there, when presented with a fair option where they don't face an entire system ranged against them, men DO become equal partners! What you evidence is the result of the existing family court structure not a failing of men. My argument is in no way hypothetical, it relies upon the direct evidence of the Scandi model which proves when given the chance men do remained involved in the lives of their children. Of course this model also means that women can't eviscerate a man financially in divorce proceedings. So really, how many women would vote for such a thing? You know the answer.
We really should get rid of the entire family “court” system and the concept of legal marriage. If two people enter into a voluntary relationship and/or have a child. That’s on them to figure it out. If we get rid of it, it would naturally encourage people to be more responsible with who they cohabit with or have children with
If nothing changes, many men will eventually stop marrying and the marriage rate will fall significantly. I have no incentive to marry and see only liability. Bachelors hear horror stories every day.
@@tommycharles4666 I would highly recommend that you do not get married or have children in the USA. It cost me 500k, a ton of lost time and a lot of heart ache.
@@MrSmith-on1qz Thanks for the info. At 37 and having never married, it's unlikely I'd find someone sufficiently compatible. My standards for that, for obvious reasons, have shot way up in recent years. It doesn't make sense to be domesticated at this point.
I know somebody that happened to. Paying for a kid that isn't theirs I mean. It happened to my nephew's dad, he's still paying support for a daughter that is not his.
@@blankcheck31209 , most likely the sister is married/together with this man (and they have a boy together) and he has to pay the ex for a child that is not his own. Hence saying “her nephew’s Dad”…so not the fault of her sister.
First, Dr. Grande is amazing. That beimg said, I had a hard time with this video because my ex is both a narc and a 'deadbeat'. I will have to process and rewatch in an effort to not hate this video due to my personal situation.
I don't think he denied that deadbeats exist. He referred to deadbeats existing on both sides of the gender lines. If you find yourself hating the video because of that, then you have some healing to do. I'm sorry your ex turned out to be a deadbeat. That's not Dr. Grande's fault.
yes!!! so glad you addressed this. I'm a huge advocate for in kind support (when appropriate of course) and it seems to strengthen the bond between the two parents in many situations. Creating an atmosphere of co parenting as opposed to punitive actions is healthier for everyone involved.
As a noncustodial father who really got a raw deal, I dont just find it interesting, I find it downright therapeutic. Thank you Dr. Grande, I couldn't agree more.
Being the child of divorced parents I found this video highly interesting and very distressing. It’s shocking that a man could end up homeless or have 70% of his income taken for child support. My mother didn’t pursue enough child support from my father enough when he had a sizable income as she was too busy trying to verbally abuse and harass him, so she was no saint, but I could easily see how the system is extremely broken. Thanks.
It’s actually very bias...I’ve worked in Family law for years and I am sure he spent a fews hours (or maybe a day) researching this topic...specifically, he goes in great detail about court’s bias on automatically giving custody to mothers...as if he’s researched every case law in every state?!? But only spends a second clarifying that men are less likely to seek custody? 🤨... I agree that child support enforcement has issues...but it exists mostly because some ppl (men and women) don’t step up unless they’re are forced. Like the penal system, reform is necessary, not abolishment.
@@t.rochellestewart6346 this part got me: "regularly seeing situations where the fathers are paying 50% 60%" ...regularly? He's talking about the Consumer Credit Protection Act's maximums (60% is the maximum for one dependent no arrearage - and it has nothing to do with what support order amount is established). In MA and a couple other states - state average is about $270/week after taxes, working FT @$15/hr (those states also have higher state minimum wage - in MA minimum wage is over $11) In almost half the states, if he is "regularly seeing" the CCCA max percentages taken out of taxed income - it's people who are working part time @ minimum wage. (he referenced $1050/month so maybe he's in one of the few states that's over $700ish avg) And I don't know about other states - but where I live 180 days NCP parenting time significantly reduces support obligation. So my state's calculation isn't arbitrary at all and both parties expenses are accounted for... He also says there's no tracking of how child support payments are spent? Of course there is - states issue debit cards the payments are deposited to, and the card tracks every transaction. I've never had it challenged personally, but under my state's child support guidelines NCP's petition the court if they believe the children's needs aren't being met and CP has to submit proof. Unless it's a situation like mine... I almost never received ordered support until after the order ended 5 years ago - maybe because I didn't ever ask the support order to be enforced? I started getting weekly back support payments years ago, right after my son moved out on his own 😏 Should I buy him some adult diapers with it? 😂 I agree this upload was biased...and misleading...and not only does your point "reform it don't abolish it" make more sense - it's actually practical considering it's actually with a realm of remote possibility? People have NO idea how entangled child support is in TANF. Good luck reformers 😬 (not that I ever received it personally - TANF'd be taking all these super late back supports if I had 🙃)
I never restricted when my ex husband could see his son. I told him, whenever he wanted to. (My son has Autism. He had to much trouble coping with it and left pretty much everything in my hands so I recieved full custody of him. He couldn't even cope with a weekend. ) The child support payments were at a level he could afford but in reality, I had to give up my job to care for him so things were tough and poverty is what my son and I lived in. There needs to be a major overhaul to this system, make it unbiased and fair. There are too many serious problems with it.
Me and my sister are raising an autistic child, and her father pays ZERO support, and quits jobs, and gets paid under the table to not have to pay CS. It’s disgusting. Men like him are the reason the system is so unfair. Men never get mad at those kind of men, they only blame women, and the system.
@@The_ScapeGoat I tried everything I could to restore my marriage over our “irreconcilable differences” of course my daughters mother didn’t want anything to do with it. It’s heartbreaking to see my poor five-year-old daughter just wanting to have a family like her friends. We spent a decade together, and when my daughter was two my ex-wife decided she just couldn’t do it anymore. It was sickening
@@brittneysperspective8433 when all you want is more money, not actual involvement in raising a child, is it that surprising that people will do whatever to get out of the 'obligation'? Mom spreads her legs one day, then expects 20 years of payment for a kid she keeps at home but mostly ignores while chasing the next man. While doing whatever she can for keeping the father completely out of the kids life, just wants a check
I always love listening to you speak on such sensitive topics. You always remain balanced and fair. May I give a possible video idea? My situation is very different.. I have a special needs daughter who has never seen her biological father. He refuses to acknowledge that she exists and avoids any opportunities to establish a relationship. He has never been on child support. Would you consider doing a video surrounding the subject of why some fathers just refuse a relationship with their child? Thank you Dr. Grande for all of your hard work!
@n cw no argument here. I personally know a woman who just up and left two of her children and taking the oldest, never to speak to the younger two ever again. It's just bizarre. Whether it's a father or a mother is devastating. In my case, the father tells his oldest to never mention my daughter's name and forgot about her. I've gone 9 years without help. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, but then other times I'm so thankful that I have peace knowing she's always with me. No drama no begging for a relationship no worries.
Though he may be the biological "father," it seems that in your situation, his sole contribution was to half of your child's genome. As a couple others have said, some people are just not going to want to be involved in a child's life that they helped "make." Don't know if you and the bio dad were ever in a committed relationship or if it was something more casual, but my suggestion is to not cry yourself to sleep over it, as you say you've done. He's just not worth the mental and emotional energy. In time, you may find someone who doesn't care that your daughter has special needs and can fill that fatherly role for her. Try support groups for parents of special needs children. I would imagine there's loads of single parents in those groups. I'll bet there are lots of situations where the mom was actually the one to walk out on her disabled kid, leaving the dad alone to raise him or her. There is still hope to find a father for your daughter, but it won't be the man who contributed DNA to her. He should be viewed as little more than a sperm donor at this point. Get him out of your mind entirely and try to move forward for your child's sake.
Abolish all family support and see how men and women increasingly take family matters seriously. There is only one benefiting from child support and that is the government. Who pays also sets the rules and controls the life that is being lived.
I love you Doktor Grande. Thank you for bringing this topic up. I have no wife or kids, but if this issue was to be resolved, more men would feel okay with getting married. This is one of the primary reasons keeping men away from committing to a woman.
I know a guy who got bit by a tick and got lymes, lost his job etc lost 100 pounds. The courts sent him to jail twice in one year like while he was trying to get disability. He got so sick in jail they made him do his time in the hospital handcuffed to a bed.
I am working to help men separate from the program. Thanks Dr. Grande for your opinion. Child support which is the Title IV-D is a debt collection agency and it has nothing in common with the mother and child. This is a $28Billion per year business that was developed by lawyers for lawyers. Blessing v. Freestone, 520 U.S. 329 (1997) Supreme Court As best we can tell, the requirement that a State operate its child support program in "substantial compliance" with Title IV -D was not intended to benefit individual children and custodial parents, and therefore it does not constitute a federal right.
I think they should force work on parents who just refuse to help. Many parents work under the table or they hustle drugs and have plenty of money but won’t pay 150 bucks a month to feed there kid😭🤣but they spend that much in a single day partying and trickin! So yea have jobs set up for them to work for those who keep using the excuse that they can’t find a job. That will be more effective than putting people in jail.
This was so eye opening. I was raised by a single mom and still to this day have never met my father, no letters, one phone call was the only attenpt he ever made to contact me. I also have 3 cousins in the same situation, no involvement from the fathers I don't think my aunts were collecting child support. So seeing how the statistics really support the claim that most fahters aren't deadbeats has really shifted my understanding of the whole issue.
@J F No one said they were complaining. It's funny how you say the women who have raised their kids need to take responsibility and not the men who abandoned their children.
>>Dear Dr. Grande: You are the best. As a divorced father who suffered grievously from the unfair Child Support laws in the late 1980's, as a former employee of the DA's Office in Albuquerque, an Oregon Department of Justice worker, a student of organizations, deviant behavior and criminology, I can tell you, the system sucks. (And that is my professional assessment). >>So much public policy, politics, child rights and parent's rights are balled up, however, that an easy fix is simply not going to happen much less quickly. >>The problems of child abuse/neglect, spousal violence, narcissism, vengeance, layman's misconceptions, family pressure, greedy lawyers, and dumb judges present those of us with an iron in the fire, with figurative burn marks. We would jump at the chance to fix the broken parts of the system only to find ourselves jumping across an arctic crevasse. And yet the polar bear of child welfare, mental health, physical health, and rights stalks us. >>Never mind so many men are considered the sole bread winner and the woman is considered incapable of doing anything but running the house, rearing, and giving birth to those who need both parents. There is simply no corrective value in locking up a decent man because he suffers from "malignant moms" the easy label of "dead-beat-dads" should be left in the rubbish heap of social welfare history. >>In my judgment (pardon the pun) no one who is working to pay child support is so vengeful as to purposely leave his job; employers are prejudiced against divorced men thinking all sorts of strange reasons. Divorced women cannot get jobs because they cannot get child care -- no one can. >>I must stop here, this is far too meaningful for me. Respectfully yours, etc.
if people stayed married, this wouldn't be a problem. It's too convenient to get divorces today. Vows are important until it's no longer convenient for either partner. That's an arrangement , not a marriage.
@@christinah.8504 mine certainly was not a good divorce. I never even saw it coming, until I was getting divorced. Was not even thinking about it but so painful. I will not even date.
Very valuable. So many folks misunderstand this phenomenon. A few legit problems get magnified over time in public perception, then morph into public policy. What a nightmare, both in the abstract, and for those men (and their children) that find themselves captive to this system! 😬 Thank you for bringing attention and clarity to this controversial topic -- as always .... 😉
Faithful to my ex wife, paid every mortgage with my military retirement, did all chores and watched our children full time. After 10 years she decided she wasn’t “happy” and she got a false abuse court order while I was watching my son and I was kicked out of my house to the street. Meaning I became homeless and was threatened with jail if I did not pay her lawyer and give her $1,700 a month. She has successfully alienated me from my children for last two years. The epidemic is Narcissistic parental alienation which is child abuse.
My dad had a child with a crazy drug addict. He left her because of how abusive she was to him physically, mentally, emotionally. She went and told everyone at church how my dad left her with a baby and kept getting money from them. He was sending her money via traveler's checks every week and sending toys and clothes. He lived far away so he couldn't see him that often. She decided she wasn't getting enough so she took my dad to court. He didn't really have the money for a lawyer but his work helped him out a little bit. The judge said my dad didn't owe her any money and that she owed him like $800 cause he paid too much, even though he wasn't ordered to. She kept trying to fight for money 'cause her car was going bad and she needed a good one. She thought she was gonna get $5000-6000 and get a new car. The karma came when she no longer could stay home on welfare, no longer was getting healthcare so she actually had to start working again. The problem is without a lawyer and living in another state the state of TN was more than happy to steal money from my old man, til he got it settled in person. The kicker is that they were making him pay for two kids that weren't even his and that she didn't even have custody of. Also, when he lost his job, the government told him he was not able to leave the country, for any reason. They also talked about revoking his gun rights. One of my grandfather's sons wasn't actually his. He paid all those years and knew that something wasn't right. It wasn't til his first wife was about to die that she confessed.
That seems odd. If you share custody 50/50 why not share basic expenses 50/50... If you make more money than your ex that doesnt make your kids basic needs any more expensive.
@@Meta4ce In 50/50 whoever makes more usually pays the other. Woman/man doesn't matter. Sometimes it is so stupidly low ($47 a month) one would wonder why even bother? The formulas rule all.
It worked for you. I doesn't work for everyone. That seems to be his point. Could the system be changed in a way that would have still worked for you, but allowed to stop other abuses that weren't in your situation?
I can’t comprehend the reason why Someone who is not the legitimate father of a child-should have to bear the responsibility of that child, because of the devious or dubious actions of a wife or a girlfriend. Why has it not been at a higher level of the court systems in the states. In my humble opinion it is clearly unconstitutional to charge someone to pay for something that they have not bought the fruit of or are responsible for something that they did not knowingly agree to. It’s just wrong. I wonder how something like this totally unfair process could continue in this country.
I'm not sure what the figures are in the USA, but in South Africa, when people get divorced, the man's lifestyle increases with about 40% while the woman and children's lifestyle decreases with about 30%. Many women and children are struggling because the fathers refuse to pay child support. Our court system is not as effective in tracking down fathers who do not pay child support. I don't know what the answer is, but the reality is that in the end the children are the ones who suffer, and they did not ask to be born.
Joint custody and shared financial responsibility outside the court system doesn't work if one parent is a malignant grandiose narcissist, male or female. They are way too selfish and don't ever live up to their end of the deal. I know this firsthand. My ex had plenty of money for trips around the world, motorcycles, expensive cars but couldn't cough up lunch money when he took them to school. Furthermore, does anybody ever care about the kid that has to move every single week? Try moving every week and let me know how that works for you. Also, what about the fact that kids are not financially independent at age 18? Somebody is still supporting the 18, 19, 20, 21 year old college students. It's very expensive to raise kids into young adults and it doesn't end at age 18.
Incarceration for lack of payment is ludicrous! First off, debtor's prison is supposed to be a thing of the distant past. But mainly, how can you earn money if you're locked up?! I agree w/Dr. G that the system is broken.
The fundimental problem is "child support" isn't about the interests of the child (who doesn't vote or pay court fees) it's about the interests of the woman
Incredibly informative. I had no idea there were a higher percentage of dead beat moms than dads. Your recommendations for how to change the system are so reasonable. Maybe you can suggest ways that we viewers can help bring about change. "Write your congressman" is something I do fairly often but I have doubts about whether it really does anything. Maybe we have to start a grassroots campaign. Maybe there's a good online forum for this. It is rare to find anyone bringing such a balanced view to issues like these. Thank you and keep up the good work! P.S. Could you please run for POTUS?!
I am not even allowed to apply for parental test for ... i have been cheated on. But I have question: what world or institutions do lawyers go to that detached them from reality of life? I failed to understand, how I talked to someone on the phone and told me, "I don't care what you think, how you feel or reason, but you must pay until court orders otherwise reverses, thank you and bye" Preposterous.
I'm so sorry someone spoke to you like that. Lawyers are there for paychecks, they often lose sense of reality and care. I think its fucked up there's no burden of proof on the mother to show that you are indeed the parent. Very messed up, and I am so sorry. It gets better and if you care for that child, it will be returned in karma ten fold.
@@andie5031 thanks, I feel like to fight till the end and i know am right, but also feel sorry for innocent kids used as a bait to fulfil wild fantasies. but also battle with depression and more and more that undermine my wellbeing,
On the other hand, since you are billed for all phone calls and time, understanding and consolation is cheaper if it doesn't come from your attorney.....
You have been ordered into slavery by these thugs. You need to let as many people as possible know how this works, and find out how to change the laws. Go to the polls, just so your letters will count more when you write to your legislators.
tax payers pay for it. Taxpayers pay 66 cents on the dollar for every dollar a father or mother pays money into the system. It's a 65 billion a year business. It's not going away because too many people are involved.
I was court-ordered to pay $300 a month for one child even throughout a 4.5 year legal battle to get on disability when I couldn't work, period. This was repeatedly used against me in custodial hearings until I couldn't see my child at all but must still pay support. I face special stigmatization as a non-custodial mother with doctors often refusing to let me see my child's records, etc. Having a child with a manipulative, malicious narcissist is a lifelong heartache. Accountability for custodial expenses, mercy for non custodial parents penalties and arrears.
As a man I would be quite happy having full custody without child support. Tax payers should not be supporting the child eithet. I think child support should be abolished. I don't earn a large income, but I believe in personal responsibility, so who ever has the child should pay for the child & if the x wife wants to have shared custody, then she pays for the time she has the child.
Dr. Grande you have really missed the boat here. If divorcing parents are mature enough to do shared parenting well, they can work out these issues between each other. But most divorcing parents are not able to co-parent well. Making sure the non-resident’s money gets to the custodial parent is a fundamental goal and the state does it effectively.
@@The_ScapeGoat I am only speaking of the cash transfer being effective. The many other human and bureaucratic factors would need to be analyzed to be able to draw conclusions. And what data do you have to support your assertion about the worthlessness of people involved with Child Support?
It doesn't matter if you reduce the child support amount. The amount my dad had to pay back in the barbaric '70's was really low, but mom still spent most of it on herself. The children are the ones most likely to suffer if the child support payments are reduced, because some mothers are like medieval feudal ladies that feel they are entitled to a tithe of 90% while the children ( the serfs ) are only entitled 10%. If the child support doesn't pay for mom's designer dresses she'll take it out of their food budget. No one will accuse her of anything even when the kids are 30 pounds underweight.
The system is often so illogical with it, as are the arguments in favour. “The majority of custody arrangements are decided outside of court”-yeah because the man knows he won’t get it in court and doesn’t want to spend thousands in legal fees and risk bankruptcy (and therefore jail due to not paying child support or alimony) only to still not get custody. In California jails for example, 76% of the fathers in jail for not paying support weren’t able to afford it (Sorensen et al 2015)
Dr. Grande, as a single mother, I endorse your initiative! Going to the courts should absolutely be a last resort. But unfortunately, not everyone wants to communicate or collaborate.
@Atypical Black is that any of your business? I'm not trying to be flippant, but I'm not sure what this has to do with anything else. Because I share some personal information, does that give everyone the right to my other personal business? I would ask you to respectfully respond to my comment instead.
@4:31 the fact that dr grande acknowledged needs to be monetary compensation to motivate men to father says more about the men than mothers. Mothers have been providing for children without ANY monetary compensation without needing coddled with financial incentives
As a mom to my 13 year old daughter, I have had to pay child support for her for 10 years since my divorce, to my ex husband, whom my daughter does not live with, and the court in Denver refuses to change it, even tho my ex mother in law has had custody of her since she was 9 months old due to my ex having a myriad of mental health issues. I have been jailed and had my driver license suspended at least 10 or more times in the time I have been paying. Currently have child support garnish my tax refund, for me and my current husband, whom is not financially responsible for my arrears to the child support. So, I understand and wish the system was abolished because the court I have dealt with, in regards to my daughter being subjected to DV, and a narc of a mother in law, who has done all she can to keep me from her as much as she can get away with.
@What Not To Do At a Stoplight actually, I was a full-time student and not working at the time. And have gone back to school twice for my Bachelor's degree and now am working on my Masters. They still haven't changed the system. They claim it is because I am able bodied enough to hold a minimum wage job, but the child support wld not award me anything to live on at the end of the day.
My ex tried to tell me I better not be spending any of the child support on myself, that if I buy a can of tuna fish, I better keep track of how much of it I ate and how much my son. He was paying only $400 a month. I told him if he thought $400 was enough to cover housing, utilities, food, clothing, gas for transport, medical care, and activities and school supplies for a child, he better think again. FYI, he didn’t want custody and rarely visited. He left us when my son was a baby because he didn’t want the responsibility. He told me his new interest offered him “freedom and fun” instead of the responsibility of a wife and child. I was happy to take my child over anything else. We struggled financially as single moms often do, but it was worth it. My ex was not the best as a husband or father, but he did always pay child support, even when he left the country.
I’ve seen a lot in life I’m getting old. It’s clear to me that the current system is extremely in humane. I totally agree with your assessment and your proposed solutions. I’m amazed how unfair it is. I can see over the course of my lifetime I’ve watched the rogue factor in women increase because it’s fashionable. You could pretty much predict that the irresponsible spouse was going to be the husband until about 10 years ago when I saw increasing numbers of women abandoning their children for drugs. The rise of incarceration of women also mirrors this switch in roles. It seems to me that all this ridiculous reality TV glorification of belligerent feminism and extreme self-centered behavior has had a horrible impact on people under the age of 40. Thanks for this video Dr. Grande it’s a really good one
If the mother doesnt want to be involved with her child, she should pay child support. Same goes for dad. What we're not gonna do is think you can squirt out babies and just leave them to poverty.
Andrew Floeter oof I work full time, SUNSHINE. I apply ALL MY CHILD SUPPORT to the $1,000 a month daycare bill and pay the remainder of $700 out of my pocket 😘
This is a really good video, Dr. Grande. The big problem is that every family has a different set of circumstances but the laws are one-size-fits-all. The state can't change the laws from one family or one person to the next, so what's the answer? Also, the laws are completely different from state to state. One person may actually deserve to go to jail whereas someone else doesn't because they got laid off or got an illness or injury. My son's father didn't pay child support for most all of my sons childhood, owed me $36,000 in arrears, and the only thing that ever happened to him (in Oregon) is his drivers license was suspended. My husband never missed a payment to the mother of his child in Oklahoma, and was told that if he missed one payment it was a felony and he'd go to prison--even if he lost his job and didn't have the money. It makes no sense whatsoever. I guess lawmakers don't want to deal with reality.
I love that you factored in the mental impact on the children and fathers as it related to financial and physical support. Child support should include the entire well-being of the family, not just the financial cost of raising a child ❤
Great video. This needs to be a much broader discussion. I feel really sorry for guys who are bound to pay for kids WHO ARE GENETICALLY PROVEN TO NOT BE THEIRS! That's just insane to me. I will do further research for sure. Thanks, Dr. Grande.
The system isn't broken, it's doing exactly what they want it to do plus prisons need prisoners and they get paid based of the amount of prisoners they have and get
Female parents not infrequently do not pursue child support, to protect their children from narcissistic male parents ( and other pathology ). It is a sacrifice to carry the financial burden alone, for the emotional stability of her and the children.
Be careful who you have children with. You will be tied to them for the rest of your life!!! Choose wisely.
Tied maybe financially for 18yrs, but if you don’t want anything to do with the child you are free and clear 🤷🏻
Agree,marry people based on their character
Instead of willing yourself into precognitive abilities, you could also just decide to have been born a cis woman. Let's not throw out that equally valid option.
There's a shot in the blind regardless
I married a MAN who after 20 years of marriage thinks he's now a woman. Now you tell me how the hell to choose carefully when he himself didn't realize it until NOW.
When the parents can effectively co parent. There are many parents who actively work to destroy the other parent which causes horrific damages to the children.
It's awful
The sad truth is the child is being exploited for financial gains. I had an ex in london I been with for 8 years . Our first daughter was disabled while . She was getting all sort of money from the government. Free house ,free car she only put I fuel. She was still taking money from me even though I was illegal in the country struggling. When we broke up 8byears later. She was demanding money from me and not what child support told me to pay. Because she never like the fee she made my life hell. When I went to court and got contact i got arrested on the first day of contact in the contact centre and the allegation was RAPE She claim to have happened 6 month prior. The court dont care because as long as we keep fueding and dont get along they get a fee from those payments. Why are they getting a fee? Because they are a law of thier own. They operate in thier own court system. Court system by the way is fictional. From the lawyers to the judges are all in on the scam. This is why most legislations are ACT. They are all actors.
I'm not allowed to see my kids even though I'm willing and i pay. She hates me and she got them a new dad, from whom she is also divorced. That's two CS payments 2X a month. She doesn't even have to work anymore.
@@jerryknuckles736 I am so very sorry. Truly. I understand your pain.
That‘s horrible. I think there can be bad behavior on both sides. My sisters husband repeatedly cheated on her, she wanted to stay together, do counseling etc but he then wanted to split. She was very upset, especially because she supported his career for 14 years and stayed at home and after having a job for a while, away from the family he decided to be with a over 10 years younger woman. My sister can’t get a good job because she was gone from the working world too long, also she want’s to be there at least half days for the child. However, she wants the best for her child, she wants the Dad to be there as often as possible (so no restrictions on visitation) and she made friends with the girlfriend because if the child is over there or they come to visit she wants the child to feel like there is an extended family, not a reduction of one. I really admire her for her strength…she was so heart broken and yet put it all aside for her kids sake.
Have you attempted to get equal time each month? If that is a possible lifestyle for you then you can end up not paying the other at all or paying very little. Child support is needed for some deadbeat parents for sure, but it sucks for parents that want to be responsible. Now what I will say is that it’s not ok for either parent to think just because they are not making the money they want to stop supporting their child financially. Kids have to eat regardless and it’s sad that so many of our kids in the US have to depend on tax dollars to feed them instead of both parents pitching in to make sure the kids are good. I also think there needs to be a cap on how much a parent has to pay. Just because a man is rich doesn’t mean that he has to make his X wife rich from child support. That’s just flat out wrong! And many women abuse that aspect of the broken system for sure! Also custody should be based on stability not biological sex, there are just as many crap as mothers as crap ass dads.
Those American judges in Family Court need to explain how putting a father in jail for being unable to pay child support actually helps anyone. What a sadistic joke of a justice system.
If you think that's sadistic...😂 there's big money for family court judges in taking kids from *both* parents. It's a lot easier for them to do that if one of the parents is incarcerated.
I had neighbors who were literally the coolest divorced couple. They didn't exchange money. Instead, they moved within a mile of each other, they supported their kids by buying the kids stuff directly and they had a regular back and forth schedule. No fighting, just two adults raising kids without having to live with each other
I’m not divorced, however my wife and I split for several months a few years ago and that is how we did it.
We had 50/50 time with the kids and I helped her when ever she needed something for the kids. We lived an hour from each other and I have drove that far just to deliver some diapers.
My wife never even wanted to do child support because she also believes the system is messed up.
However the lawyers told both us us that there was no way we could get divorced without me paying lots of money. How does that work for 50/50 custody?
Anyway we have been back together for five years and would not trade our relationship for anything in the world.
This is what most parents in Sweden do.
@tatlor amazing. But I’ve noticed it depends a lot more on the moms ability to compromise and not dominate
@@davidisimo6421 I’ve read there’s a Scandinavian country where the child remains in one home, and the parents take turns staying there. Sounds a lot better. Why should the child be shuttled back and forth with a suitcase, destabilized?
Very rare at least in the US.
That was full of things I don't think many people are aware of, myself included. You made some excellent points. Thank you for bringing so many of us up-to-speed!
If you want the system to change you have to get rid of people's worshiping of mothers as natural caregivers.
What do you suppose I should do about that, Tommy?
Maybe you can share what you're doing that I'm not.
@@BeingLifted1) stick up for yourself as a man
2) stick up for other men
My child's father was unable to support her. I never received any money and I never bothered asking. I supported and raised her myself. I was not the best mother but I turned out to be an excellent "father". My child was never in poverty, rent and utilities always paid. And we always had food. I worked very hard at physically exhausting jobs and earned men's wages (this was 48 years ago).
But how I hate our nation's family court system. Especially when it comes to spousal maintenance. I deeply resent that.
Thank you for this Dr. , this is such an important subject that is rarely looked at in depth.
This hits close to home, my parents divorced when i was 10, I didnt see my father for a few months during custody discussions and was left with my borderline/narc mom, he couldn't pay support cause he was busy looking after my dying grandpa, the stress caused him to attempt suicide for which he was hospitalised for a few months and from the moment he was released he had to account for those huge debts, he could barely finance his own home which dissuaded me from going there and visiting him.
So much could've been prevented by a more humane system.
The child support system and the value of my freedom are the reasons why I'm getting snipped
word!!!
ha ha I got prego from a guy who got snipped. We're together and cool.
Good solution!
Testify! No pun intended.
One of the best and objective reviews on the CS System I’ve seen. Going through the system, you will quickly learn that Child Support has nothing to do with actually supporting the children. It’s a play on words. It’s actually spousal support because the money can be used on anything. Additionally, you can and I am, a father with 50/50 joint custody and still pay the full amount in CS. It’s broken by design to create the conditions that will keep people in the system. Predispose the children to also being in the system with mental health issues from being alienated from one parent setting them up for getting arrested etc. It’s the source of many downstream problems in our society, but the system wants those problems to continue, otherwise the system is no longer needed. Thank you for helping to get the word out on this system of abuse.
Yes exactly!
@Damian Lopez It is most definitely abusive, even traumatic in their disregard for reality.
''One of the best and objective reviews on CS System I've seen''.
If this is the case you haven't seen an objective review. Objectively women don't pay child support and can put their children up for adoption if they don't want them.
Child support has nothing to do with child care. It is simply society forcing men to give money to women
@@alexcat6480 This!
@@alexcat6480 It was enforced against me ruthlessly but I fought it. I had a divorce agreement that specified I was not obligated (I gave him custody of the kids- much to his pleasure and my total pain)
My father raised me and got nothing from my mother.
What did that man do to her how about you find that out before you downgrade your own mother
@@GMarieBehindTheMask Just giving an example that it can go both ways in response to something Dr Grande said. My parents get along fine and no support was requested if you must know... Not cool to attack people for commenting or sharing about their personal family dynamic on this channel.
@@mysteryninja5851 not attacking just seeing things from all angles sorry I was a bit emotional at the time
@@GMarieBehindTheMask why assume one is better than the other without looking at the entire picture
@@marialuyan you're right
Dr. Grande you come off as so intellectually honest and reasonable. It gives me hope to think that your calm demeanor and reasonable presentation of the facts has changed some people's minds on this, and many other "controversial" subjects you have talked about.
Keep up the quality content Sir!
A reasonable view would be for men to protest against child support.
@@citycrusher9308 Amen
The system will not change no matter how many minds you change, so long as there is female preference in the average person, and that is something most don't want to confront.
@@tommyvercetti70 I disagree. Changing people's minds *is the way* you create change in the system. Just look at any social movement in the last 100 years: women's right to vote, the civil rights movement, gay marriage. Big controversial movements that eventually succeeded due to the changing of people's minds.
It won't be easy, and it will probably take a long time still, but informative videos like this are only helping. Just read some of the comments where people say they didn't even know this stuff, or that they were misinformed but now know the truth.
@@Bulletproof222 Lol so you are for female preference??
My ex and I split parenting time 50/50 we both get our daughter 3.5 days a week. We don’t have a child support arrangement. We just split costs of extracurriculars and copays education etc. I’m happy with our agreement. Our daughter benefits more from having both parents consistently in her life.
Thank-you for sharing.... It's important we hear about the positive co-parenting situations too!... Not just the horrible ones.. I think it depends on the parents personalities too ... If they can be mature and accepting adults putting the child first...and treating one another with respect still...
I had same parenting time & she still took my money so I stopped co parenting
Great when it works out this way...
@@vascodegama1660 that’s messed up sorry to hear that.
@@latinaalma1947 yes I know it’s rare
Idea: issue a debit card of sorts to the mother that the child support payments will be placed on each month. This will allow for easy accountability of where/how the money is being spent (rent payments, food, clothing & other items for the child).
So mother not buying drugs, or alcohol
42 USC 1994 CHILD SUPPORT IS PEONAGE THERE ARE NO AREARS AREARS ARE EX POST FACTO LAW
THEY CANNOT EXIST IF YOU ENFORCE THEM YOU HAVE NO IMMUNITY UNDER 42 USC 1983.
ABOLISH THIS SYSTEM OF DAMAGE TO THE FAMILY UNIT. 🙄
YOU ARE DAMAGING OUR PARENT CHILD RELATIONSHIPS AND VIOLATING ALL OF OUR RIGHTS.
EUCLID, RULE OF LAW: Non Obligo Est Non Legis
CEASE AND DESIST ORDER
Please cease and desist immediately you are commiting Duress, Coercion, peonage, fraud on the court, oath violation, conspiracy to commit a rights violation, color of law, bribery, racketeering, embezzlement, human trafficking, false imprisonment, theft of property, due process violation, invoulentary servitude, and child trafficking, bill of attainder, ex post facto law and kidnapping.
All child support cases are void on their face no matter the situation they are using crime to enforce a law that was never enacted. When you violate your oath of office as a judge, police officer, or public official by not upholding constitutionally enshrined rights by law you cease to hold authority and judicial powers and lose immunity under 42 usc 1983.
Euclid Has passed ruling on this matter.
Dr. Grande - I almost didn't watch this video because of the subject/topic but because it was YOU I figured "ah let's see what the good doc had to say" because I love your balanced approach to controversial topics usually.
I was a lawyer for 20 years. My first law firm job out of law school did family/domestic law. I quit that Firm after 11 months and thereafter STEADFASTLY REFUSED to ever do that niche area of law again. This is because I had zero tolerance for the toxic acrimony of the proceedings. Way too many hundreds of times I had fathers as clients who sobbed openly because they did not want the divorce, wanted their intact family and were nearly suicidal over the loss of same. Then came the doubleheader smackdown of "by the way, you're going to broke forever and rarely see your children." These poor men were utterly emotionally destroyed. Then the mothers I had for clients would come in and be nothing but hatefully evil and INSIST that their guaranteed result from hiring me was that I must be as vengeful as possible in Court towards their exes and they wanted maximum monetary compensation + a guarantee that the Judge would order no custody to Dad. Why? Because they were bad fathers? Nope. Because the women essentially used them as a sperm bank to get a permanent bank account stream from the Dads. Plus, the way every female mother client immediately began demanding the children hate their father was unbearable to witness. I watched mothers tell 7 year old children horrid rumors about their Dads to try and compel said hatred and be in alliance only with the mothers - things a 7 year old cannot even process. So many of these mothers had 4 kids from 4 different Dads to maximum their financial gain. It was abhorrent to witness. What is wrong with a significant portion of the breeding female population that they actually set out to "trap" the guys and as soon as the child comes suddenly they hate their husbands and demand divorce. In every case, the fathers would beg for Court-ordered ADR or mediation to try to put their families back together and every mother said NO to same. Men get absolutely destroyed in family court and it's worse than an injustice because ultimately the children suffer almost all of the psychological damage. It was soul-destroying to witness which is why I never did it again. Men should also know that these domestic law firms claiming to specialize in "Father's Rights" that are so prevalent now are but a scam. They charge 4x as much in attorney's fees and almost always get a worse outcome for the Dads than if Dad had hired any regular divorce lawyer from a random online database.
Finally, you are absolutely accurate in that the Courts are failing everyone in this Country by not being current on the prevalence and damage of psycopathic narcissists - and not just in divorce law. In EVERY kind of law. Criminal law often misses it completely and sets the psycopath free saying "the victim had to be exaggerating because the narcissist presented like a perfectly charming, kind, person IN COURT who could not have done what the victim claimed to have endured. Also, domestic violence laws do not take any relationship with a narcissist into protected legal status unless they were sexually intimate. 62% of DV deaths are intimate partner relationships. The rest are a psycopathic landlord terrorizing a tenant, a neighbor terrorizing a neighbor victim or even the damn mailman could be a narcissist who becomes obsessed with someone and starts slowly destroying their life. But victims not in the 62% get zero relief under the law. When WHEN will the Courts catch up with the skyrocketing prevalence of psycopathic narcissism and see it for the clear and present danger it is for ALL victims - no matter the relationship between the narc and the victim. This needs to happen immediately along with a complete overhaul of the Family Court system. How are such educated people as JUDGES completely unaware of the epidemic of narcissism and its devastating effects - often lifelong- on survivors???
Deb W Counsel, you answered all of your questions at , “Finally... “ You yourself are not taking into consideration that the epidemic of Unhealthy Narcissism was alive and presenting in your early practicing days .
I normally dont read long comments, but when i do, its this one. Great comment!
I have tried to explain to sooooo many people to stop making this about gender- the family court destroys men and woman alike. They destroy non custodial women parents just the same as they do men. But thanks for your insight.
@@crazycatladyinc9191 exactly! But it's women destroying men the majority of the time...
@@theSpiritofTamzin I felt pretty destroyed myself. I sacrificed my joy to avoid what I saw as a recipe for disaster or tragedy.
Dr. Grande. This is highly relevant. Thank you. Now, since you already did the research, Why not write a well based article (as is your custome)?, maybe a meta study, about this issues. Get the info out there so policy gets influenced. You'd do a good service. Again thank you for your efforts.
Payroll manager here. I process these. It isnt a myth, maybe overblown, but definitely not a myth. I have had employees go out of their way to not pay even minimum child support. Also, no garnishment or support orders can be more than 25% of your pay combined. Its illegal for it to be higher.
Thank You! Many of these men are nit telling the full story.
"no garnishment can be more than 25% of your combined pay, it is illegal for it to be higher."
now if only federal income tax worked the same way....
It truly bothers me to even mention this, but my brother in law pays nearly ~63% of his salary to my sister. He works over 60 hours a week driving and almost never gets to even see his daughter.
Furthermore, this is after my sister coerced him to quickly relocate to Florida, from his home in Pennsylvania, where she proceeded to essentially destroy him financially, emotionally, and even spiritually....but what genuinely disturbed me even more is how my sister callously joked about maintaining custody of my niece solely for the money, stating it could cover the car payment. She really doesn’t seem to care how unhappy my niece is.
I have such a hard time understanding that level of cruelty 🤕 I wish there was a way to help my niece.
But I digress.
Anyway, I agree there are a lot of variables the courts urgently needs to take into consideration regarding child support. I also believe they need to take a more objective approach by not taking the mothers side by default. I’m not really understanding why this is still a current issue. 🤔 But I don’t have enough familiarity with how it all works to form an adequate opinion.
My chap is faced with a combined tax rate of 72%. 20% of that is child support paid to his ex wife who has not worked a day in the last 15 years, and who has no intention of ever working. She already receives £1400 a month off the state (tax payers) for her children and an additional 20% of the fathers wage. In addition to that, she gets her own benefit allowance. She has no reason to ever go back to work, she can live if the rest of us who are paying our taxes. (FYI, that's a large disposable income in comparison to those who work & pay taxes).
She uses CS as a method to blackmail, bully and harass my partner, after she had already spent 5 years cheating on him and running up £15, 000 debt on their joint accounts.
The father receives no state support, pays full tax (whereas single stay at home mothers pay none), and he has the expenses of having the kids weekends & holidays... Oh, and he has nothing left over to support me or his new baby. In fact, I have to support him, and by extension his ex wife.
CS was originally introduced in Britain in order to recoup costs to the state of supporting single mothers, and originally the more CS you got the less government support you got.
Today CS has no effect on the benefits you can receive from the government... Which means being a single mother can be very financially lucrative.
Bizarrely, mothers get paid more if they withhold contact from the father.
And it's second families who pay the highest price, often thrown into poverty by supporting the "first family" household, despite the evident financial disparity between households.
Google "Hidden Parent Poverty Trap" by the Centre for Social Justice. (UK)
There are 600, 000 Non Resident Parents faced with marginal tax rates of up to 122%, which means many actually can't afford to pay CS and keep a roof over their heads, many are *systematically* in debt. Yet these people are labeled "dead beats dads"... More like the victims of narcissistic abuse.
The system now financially rewards broken homes, and not families.
Men, I feel for ya...
Signed, Woman.
@Sinead Osbourne. Great comment. Nothing more to add, just wanted to thank for the information and compassion, and I comment here so I can receive notifications if anybody responds or if you add anything more.
Gentlemen, men have to work together to abolish child support. It has always been about transferring a man's income to a woman using the child as an excuse.
@@citycrusher9308 We need pro male collectivism.
@@sinnyozzy Tell your chap to identify as a woman and see what happens. Biological men beat women in sports these days, perhaps they can beat them at child support.
If women have the right to abort, men have the right to refuse to pay child support.
Nobody has the right to not support their child mother or father, that would he neglect
Typical female answer.
i think i agree with most of what you have said. I had full custody, and think it would have been better for all concerned if custody would have been shared. To me, it's not showing up for the kids that makes a deadbeat dad, not inability to pay.
I think the paternity should depend on whether he was lied to. IF he adopted a non-biological child, with his eyes open, he should be responsible IF he was lied to and cheated on, he should not.
If he adopted a non-biological child then it seems logical that he wasn't lied to. You wouldn't adopt a biological child.
Paternity fraud; completely legal and there is only one perpetrator. And those "deadbeat mothers" are never held to account for their shitty behavior.
@@Snarge22 I read one of the comments saying that paternity tests were illegal in some country's to "protect the security of the family". Last time I checked that law exacerbated the decline of the family instead. Which airhead decided that getting rid of accountability would help the situation.
Yep, you are completely correct@@muhammadedwards8425 . I look at the situation where societies have to keep women in check as, like children, they are not held to any level of responsibilities as men. Men today have the same obligations and responsibilities they've had had throughout history, and now even more today. While women have all sorts of freedoms and rights, yet are rarely held to a level of responsibility that comes with those freedoms. Paternity fraud is but once example. Get this; in most western countries, even if the wife cheats, has a child by another man and the husband knows about it, he is still financially responsible. Again, his responsibility, her freedom.
Laws vary from State to State, but on the subject of Legal paternity, I would expect it is the child's Birth Certificate which is considered first.
This video really spoke to me. I have a dear friend who basically got screwed both ways. She has an actual deadbeat dad who would spend his money on his newer children instead of paying the child support all while verbally abusing her and her mom is equally abusive maybe even more so. She would take the money and spend it on luxuries for her own pleasure instead of basic things like food or medicine, and since the mom is a compulsive buyer they have been living in poverty the entirety of my friends life. Its been an uphill battle for her to escape that toxic environment that she still has to deal with every day and I honestly sometimes feel helpless for her. The system really is trash.
Thank-you Dr. Grande. Thank-you for exposing the truth about this system that has caused so many of us so much misery.
Are you saying the father shouldn't pay anything to help support their children?
@@marlowstanfield6815 I think they’re saying you didn’t watch the video
I am a big fan, Dr. Grande, and truly appreciate your knowledge and judgment. Personally, I don't know anyone in this situation and haven't heard such extreme injustices experienced by some fathers. I became pregnant with my first child at age 26 and a half and accepted full responsibility for taking care of him. His father and I were only casually dating, and he was not ready to be a parent. I was really sad when I thought of my child not having a father present, and tried hard to change his mind during the pregnancy. He paid $300 and provided medical insurance, and it was modified to $361 for the last few years. He saw our child a little bit for the first year, and then almost never for many years. My child never spent the night at his house. I got married when he was almost 3 and my husband became his devoted dad. The biological father has a degree from Washington University in St. Louis and no addictions, no mental health problems that I could tell except maybe self-centeredness. He chose to own and run bicycle shops and works hard, but has been only peripherally involved.
Some thoughts on what you have said: Perhaps your clients are mostly men since you are a male therapist, so you hear more of the men's side? Also, while I didn't review the literature, I believe a higher percentage of mothers provide care for children in families. I think by a lot. So I don't know if what you have presented here is unbiased.
I do think the formulas for figuring out child support make little sense. I believe a lot of reform is needed.
Nah, nah he mentions your case. In short you were arrogant enough not to file for child support. Maybe you didn't forgive that stallion his "self-centeredness".
👍👍
You have presented the best fair and balanced approach to the most controversial topic in today's society. Please go work with family court - you could make positive changes that would help everyone.
My son's involved father paid child support and in time, HIS living situation was more favorable for my son, so he moved with his dad and we adjudicated the agreement through the juvenile court of our jurisdiction.
Not once did he mention, nor was I ever compelled to pay child support.. in FACT, I gave him the debit card that his child support was loaded to because it took more than A YEAR for the payments to stop being deducted from his wages..
If the shoe were on the other foot, men would rarely ask women to pay for child support. We can see this already when the courts occasionally grant custody to the father. Same with divorce, how often do men rinse women dry? It's just not the done thing.
JJ ZAG thats a noble thing you did. hope it works out well for all involved.
@@anarki777 I know tons of men who sued for child support but the reason you don't hear about it is because women don't cry and whine about it like men do.
@@winning3329 - Hahahaha, yeah right. Don't lie. Who the fuck has met TONNES of men who've sued for child support? I haven't met a single one or even HEARD of a single one in my whole life. And women don't complain? My fuckin' ass! Women complain constantly. If there is nothing to complain about, women will find something to complain about. Women literally complain about men not putting the toilet seat down. PUT IT DOWN YOURSELF BITCH!
Miss Kitty yes kitty I’ve seen plenty of women pay the father who doesn’t have full custody simply because she makes more than him
I was a stay at home mom facing divorce... completely dependent on my husband financially... I had been out of the work force for 5 years and I was scared to death... but you know what I realized? He is not financially responsible for me and if our family splits, we are now both financially responsible for our son. And my husband was facing having to hand me over half of his paycheck every Single month for child support and alimony. Alimony for half the length of the marriage... So 5 years. I wouldn’t have allowed it. That’s complete and utter bullshit. We’re trying to work it out... but if we don’t, we will agree to the conditions... we aren’t leaving our future in the hands of the court.
Prayers for you, make sure that you are covered. So you can get time to get back in the work force.
Child support is for the care of the children, food, shelter, clothing
@@brusselsprout5851 they are selfish...
They miss the point we are to compliment one another and love one another build each other up and be the safe place for one another to land.
Too many have the all about me syndrome. It gets really bad when kids arrive. Just selfishness, God even says husband is to give himself up for her. Many do not even comprehend the meaning of service, versus selfish. Sad world we have all created.
@@donnalangley117 and education, activities.
@@kayhoover6530 ?? Clarify please elaborate your thought.
@@donnalangley117 ''we are to compliment one another and love one another''
This is romantic fantasy. Marriage has been a defunct institution for generations now. It's about time we let it die
My ex husband left when my daughter was 2 (she will be 16 this year) and he has not paid a PENNY in child support. He has been court ordered to pay £250 a month from his salary of £2500. He owes me £42,000 in child support.
I am disabled and still work full time AND a part time job in order to provide for her and keep our house.
In the UK they have done nothing to try and collect the money.
It makes me feel totally sick when i think of how much more I could have done for her - taken her on holiday, paid for music lessons.
I can tell you that it costs a hell of a lot more than £250 to raise a child and yet somehow i have ended up being apparently the only parent responsible.
AND lying to someone about birth control needs to be prosecuted for what it actually is, SEXUAL ASSAULT!! People shouldn't be allowed to harvest children as cash cows by usurping someone's consent/reproductive autonomy!!
Excellent video as always Dr. Grande. I hope your message does not fall on deaf ears where it matters most.
Zero tracking and zero accountability are why I've always called it mom support.
I call it child racketeering
As long as the Government is involved in marriage, I will not be.
Thanks for talking about this. It's much over do. Although I'd lean towards communities deciding rather than the government. Cheers!
Marriage is a defunct institution and anti male. Men have to drop it like knife in a gun fight
@@reneekatz You forgot the most important reason. Marriage is anti male garbage. It has nothing positive to offer men even if the government wasn't involved
@@citycrusher9308 Marriage is predicated on male utility therefore it is anti-male, it's simple as that.
@@reneekatz You are delusional. Women got married in the past to be looked after by a man. They do it now to take advantage of men. Marriage has always been Pro -female.
@@reneekatz What are you talking about? At no point in your incoherent ramblings did you form anything resembling a valid argument. Everyone has now been made dumber by having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Alimony, child support, and loss of accumulated wealth that I worked so hard to earn is the reason I went MGTOW. I made that decision in 1997, stopped dating in 2009, and retired 11 years early due to all the surplus income because I was never obliterated in divorce court.
Awesome
After seeing what my brother went through yes it should be abolished. Most of that child support money was spent by the mother on herself
That's majority of child support. I've been paying for 9 years and only about 20% of that has actually gone to my kids. My greedy ex always spends on herself. She's taken more vacations than anyone I've known
How do you know that? Who paid for the child’s clothes, food, and shelter?
@@brittc7614 well obviously my brother and he has the check stubbs to prove it that he paid for 18 years regardless of what the money was spent on which i guarantee alot was spent on herself because she held great animosity toward my brother. sour breakup because the relationship was toxic and he left because he realized it wasn't good for him to stay.
godstomper yea right
Britty C that’s right it’s a heavy burden on a woman to do it all all alone!! He should t have gotten that woman pregnant if he didn’t want to be together for a long time
Thank you so much for this. It really makes me glad that I never had to be involved in this whole thing. I know a woman who worked as a stripper and then had 3 children by 3 different men, and her life was FILLED with "daddy drama," child support included in that drama.
An accurate presentation of the Scandinavian model whereby from the get go custody is assumed to be joint/shared and support is not based upon the income of either spouse, but rather, a set (small) monetary amount to cover the needs of the child, NOT the parent! The result equals no divorce lawyers or family courts, because there is no money to be chased after. Both parents are involved equally in the child's life which as the Doc states benefits the child immensely. In the Western model children have become pawns for financial gain. Not all women abuse this system, but, ALL women can! That is a huge problem. Given that very few men would vote against the system the Doc described and which is actually in place in other countries and shows far greater levels of both child and parental success, ladies, question time, how many of you would vote for it?
How about none of them.
I know of so many men who have no interest in having custody of their children or want only minimal custody like once a fortnight.
@@larbot3433 Translation - I know of so many women who chose to be with men who are of a character that has no desire to be a parent.
Would you vote for the Scandinavian model that had demonstrably shown better outcomes for children? Yes or no. If you can't immediately answer yes....
@@vaughanstarr3725 You've contradicted your original post and completely missed my point. Your argument is that men would vote for a system where they get equal & shared custody by default. My counter was that there are many men who do not want shared custody and in fact the data indicates (as Dr Grande pointed out) that a lot of men do not seek custody to begin with. Therefore, I don't believe that men would vote for this model. I am completely for a model in which men and women are seen as equally responsible and accountable for their childrens well being and care.
@@larbot3433 Again, you deny the culpability of your gender in choice of partner, but in group preferencing in women is far higher than it is in men, so that is to be expected. And yes, there are a number of men who do not seek custody because the entire family court structure is geared against them. The Scandi model proves this! For there, when presented with a fair option where they don't face an entire system ranged against them, men DO become equal partners! What you evidence is the result of the existing family court structure not a failing of men. My argument is in no way hypothetical, it relies upon the direct evidence of the Scandi model which proves when given the chance men do remained involved in the lives of their children. Of course this model also means that women can't eviscerate a man financially in divorce proceedings. So really, how many women would vote for such a thing? You know the answer.
We really should get rid of the entire family “court” system and the concept of legal marriage. If two people enter into a voluntary relationship and/or have a child. That’s on them to figure it out. If we get rid of it, it would naturally encourage people to be more responsible with who they cohabit with or have children with
If nothing changes, many men will eventually stop marrying and the marriage rate will fall significantly. I have no incentive to marry and see only liability. Bachelors hear horror stories every day.
@@tommycharles4666 I would highly recommend that you do not get married or have children in the USA. It cost me 500k, a ton of lost time and a lot of heart ache.
@@MrSmith-on1qz Thanks for the info. At 37 and having never married, it's unlikely I'd find someone sufficiently compatible. My standards for that, for obvious reasons, have shot way up in recent years. It doesn't make sense to be domesticated at this point.
👍👍
Lol, NO. We need enforcement and compliance. We can't have parents abandoning children.
SOOOO MUCH common sense here, it's amazing! Thank you, Doctor!
I know somebody that happened to. Paying for a kid that isn't theirs I mean. It happened to my nephew's dad, he's still paying support for a daughter that is not his.
Must be very psychologically damaging, being a slave.
Do you ever tell your sister that isn’t fair
@@blankcheck31209 , most likely the sister is married/together with this man (and they have a boy together) and he has to pay the ex for a child that is not his own. Hence saying “her nephew’s Dad”…so not the fault of her sister.
This is the kind of video that causes even an atheist like me to count his blessings.
That was heart warming as a Christian reading this 😁 be well.
Jesus loves you
First, Dr. Grande is amazing. That beimg said, I had a hard time with this video because my ex is both a narc and a 'deadbeat'. I will have to process and rewatch in an effort to not hate this video due to my personal situation.
@Jimo Back at it with the insightful comments. Do you have a newsletter I can subscribe to? You watch a lot of women's talk shows, Jimo?
I don't think he denied that deadbeats exist. He referred to deadbeats existing on both sides of the gender lines.
If you find yourself hating the video because of that, then you have some healing to do.
I'm sorry your ex turned out to be a deadbeat. That's not Dr. Grande's fault.
Please explain.
@@tony6795 👏💯
yes!!! so glad you addressed this. I'm a huge advocate for in kind support (when appropriate of course) and it seems to strengthen the bond between the two parents in many situations. Creating an atmosphere of co parenting as opposed to punitive actions is healthier for everyone involved.
As a noncustodial father who really got a raw deal, I dont just find it interesting, I find it downright therapeutic. Thank you Dr. Grande, I couldn't agree more.
Being the child of divorced parents I found this video highly interesting and very distressing. It’s shocking that a man could end up homeless or have 70% of his income taken for child support.
My mother didn’t pursue enough child support from my father enough when he had a sizable income as she was too busy trying to verbally abuse and harass him, so she was no saint, but I could easily see how the system is extremely broken. Thanks.
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿 excellent non-biased critique based on facts / science. 🔥🔥🔥Thank you Dr. G!😎
Damn shame all the radical feminist that hate men run the child support🤣
It’s actually very bias...I’ve worked in Family law for years and I am sure he spent a fews hours (or maybe a day) researching this topic...specifically, he goes in great detail about court’s bias on automatically giving custody to mothers...as if he’s researched every case law in every state?!? But only spends a second clarifying that men are less likely to seek custody? 🤨... I agree that child support enforcement has issues...but it exists mostly because some ppl (men and women) don’t step up unless they’re are forced. Like the penal system, reform is necessary, not abolishment.
@@t.rochellestewart6346 this part got me: "regularly seeing situations where the fathers are paying 50% 60%" ...regularly?
He's talking about the Consumer Credit Protection Act's maximums (60% is the maximum for one dependent no arrearage - and it has nothing to do with what support order amount is established).
In MA and a couple other states - state average is about $270/week after taxes, working FT @$15/hr (those states also have higher state minimum wage - in MA minimum wage is over $11)
In almost half the states, if he is "regularly seeing" the CCCA max percentages taken out of taxed income - it's people who are working part time @ minimum wage. (he referenced $1050/month so maybe he's in one of the few states that's over $700ish avg)
And I don't know about other states - but where I live 180 days NCP parenting time significantly reduces support obligation. So my state's calculation isn't arbitrary at all and both parties expenses are accounted for...
He also says there's no tracking of how child support payments are spent? Of course there is - states issue debit cards the payments are deposited to, and the card tracks every transaction. I've never had it challenged personally, but under my state's child support guidelines NCP's petition the court if they believe the children's needs aren't being met and CP has to submit proof.
Unless it's a situation like mine... I almost never received ordered support until after the order ended 5 years ago - maybe because I didn't ever ask the support order to be enforced?
I started getting weekly back support payments years ago, right after my son moved out on his own 😏 Should I buy him some adult diapers with it? 😂
I agree this upload was biased...and misleading...and not only does your point "reform it don't abolish it" make more sense - it's actually practical considering it's actually with a realm of remote possibility?
People have NO idea how entangled child support is in TANF. Good luck reformers 😬 (not that I ever received it personally - TANF'd be taking all these super late back supports if I had 🙃)
Thank you for talking about this very important subject, Dr. Grande
I never restricted when my ex husband could see his son. I told him, whenever he wanted to. (My son has Autism. He had to much trouble coping with it and left pretty much everything in my hands so I recieved full custody of him. He couldn't even cope with a weekend. ) The child support payments were at a level he could afford but in reality, I had to give up my job to care for him so things were tough and poverty is what my son and I lived in.
There needs to be a major overhaul to this system, make it unbiased and fair. There are too many serious problems with it.
It's a whole different situation with autism, most people have no idea. I hope you and your son are doing okay 💐💐💐
Me and my sister are raising an autistic child, and her father pays ZERO support, and quits jobs, and gets paid under the table to not have to pay CS. It’s disgusting. Men like him are the reason the system is so unfair. Men never get mad at those kind of men, they only blame women, and the system.
@@The_ScapeGoat I tried everything I could to restore my marriage over our “irreconcilable differences” of course my daughters mother didn’t want anything to do with it. It’s heartbreaking to see my poor five-year-old daughter just wanting to have a family like her friends. We spent a decade together, and when my daughter was two my ex-wife decided she just couldn’t do it anymore. It was sickening
@@brittneysperspective8433 when all you want is more money, not actual involvement in raising a child, is it that surprising that people will do whatever to get out of the 'obligation'?
Mom spreads her legs one day, then expects 20 years of payment for a kid she keeps at home but mostly ignores while chasing the next man. While doing whatever she can for keeping the father completely out of the kids life, just wants a check
@@mbburry4759 who hurt you?
I always love listening to you speak on such sensitive topics. You always remain balanced and fair. May I give a possible video idea? My situation is very different.. I have a special needs daughter who has never seen her biological father. He refuses to acknowledge that she exists and avoids any opportunities to establish a relationship. He has never been on child support. Would you consider doing a video surrounding the subject of why some fathers just refuse a relationship with their child? Thank you Dr. Grande for all of your hard work!
Yes, Jamie. I think there are a lot of men who deny that they are parents, thus never help with childrearing.
@n cw no argument here. I personally know a woman who just up and left two of her children and taking the oldest, never to speak to the younger two ever again. It's just bizarre. Whether it's a father or a mother is devastating. In my case, the father tells his oldest to never mention my daughter's name and forgot about her. I've gone 9 years without help. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, but then other times I'm so thankful that I have peace knowing she's always with me. No drama no begging for a relationship no worries.
Though he may be the biological "father," it seems that in your situation, his sole contribution was to half of your child's genome. As a couple others have said, some people are just not going to want to be involved in a child's life that they helped "make." Don't know if you and the bio dad were ever in a committed relationship or if it was something more casual, but my suggestion is to not cry yourself to sleep over it, as you say you've done. He's just not worth the mental and emotional energy.
In time, you may find someone who doesn't care that your daughter has special needs and can fill that fatherly role for her. Try support groups for parents of special needs children. I would imagine there's loads of single parents in those groups. I'll bet there are lots of situations where the mom was actually the one to walk out on her disabled kid, leaving the dad alone to raise him or her. There is still hope to find a father for your daughter, but it won't be the man who contributed DNA to her. He should be viewed as little more than a sperm donor at this point. Get him out of your mind entirely and try to move forward for your child's sake.
The same way mothers abort their children without a second thought!
@@TallTraveler1 true.
Abolish all family support and see how men and women increasingly take family matters seriously. There is only one benefiting from child support and that is the government. Who pays also sets the rules and controls the life that is being lived.
Tax payers end up paying for broken home children in many ways other than monetary.
Doctor, more videos on societal and institutional issues please. Your insight is very much needed I think.
Great work as always.
I don't think child support should be abolished. I think more needs to be done about male planned Parenthood. Male Conraceptive, Male Birth control.
Agreed would be nice for guys to get a shot so they can not produce a baby for as long as they want. Instead of getting cut.
You can't abolish it without having a system in place ahead of time that would benefit the children.
I love you Doktor Grande.
Thank you for bringing this topic up. I have no wife or kids, but if this issue was to be resolved, more men would feel okay with getting married. This is one of the primary reasons keeping men away from committing to a woman.
Dr. Grande, TOP HONORS for this content!!!
I know a guy who got bit by a tick and got lymes, lost his job etc lost 100 pounds. The courts sent him to jail twice in one year like while he was trying to get disability. He got so sick in jail they made him do his time in the hospital handcuffed to a bed.
I am working to help men separate from the program. Thanks Dr. Grande for your opinion. Child support which is the Title IV-D is a debt collection agency and it has nothing in common with the mother and child. This is a $28Billion per year business that was developed by lawyers for lawyers.
Blessing v. Freestone, 520 U.S. 329 (1997) Supreme Court As best we can tell, the requirement that a State operate its child support program in "substantial compliance" with Title IV -D was not intended to benefit individual children and custodial parents, and therefore it does not constitute a federal right.
Narcissistic men do just fine in the system but mentally healthy men are disadvantaged. The problem is exacerbated by the prevalence of narcissism.
Excellent video, thank you. This is a huge issue affecting people today.
Thank you for putting this subject to the forefront... it's highly overlooked in courts.There are other options to incarceration
Funny how you skipped everything he said except the consequences for father's not paying support
I think they should force work on parents who just refuse to help. Many parents work under the table or they hustle drugs and have plenty of money but won’t pay 150 bucks a month to feed there kid😭🤣but they spend that much in a single day partying and trickin! So yea have jobs set up for them to work for those who keep using the excuse that they can’t find a job. That will be more effective than putting people in jail.
You might want to tell women that...or men really will simply stop marrying.
Tommy Charles absolutely your very right…. For sure
Since when is my families business any of your concern?
"If you have the right to kill it, I should at least have the right to abandon it." - Dave Chappelle
This was so eye opening. I was raised by a single mom and still to this day have never met my father, no letters, one phone call was the only attenpt he ever made to contact me. I also have 3 cousins in the same situation, no involvement from the fathers I don't think my aunts were collecting child support. So seeing how the statistics really support the claim that most fahters aren't deadbeats has really shifted my understanding of the whole issue.
@J F No one said they were complaining. It's funny how you say the women who have raised their kids need to take responsibility and not the men who abandoned their children.
>>Dear Dr. Grande: You are the best. As a divorced father who suffered grievously from the unfair Child Support laws in the late 1980's, as a former employee of the DA's Office in Albuquerque, an Oregon Department of Justice worker, a student of organizations, deviant behavior and criminology, I can tell you, the system sucks. (And that is my professional assessment).
>>So much public policy, politics, child rights and parent's rights are balled up, however, that an easy fix is simply not going to happen much less quickly.
>>The problems of child abuse/neglect, spousal violence, narcissism, vengeance, layman's misconceptions, family pressure, greedy lawyers, and dumb judges present those of us with an iron in the fire, with figurative burn marks. We would jump at the chance to fix the broken parts of the system only to find ourselves jumping across an arctic crevasse. And yet the polar bear of child welfare, mental health, physical health, and rights stalks us.
>>Never mind so many men are considered the sole bread winner and the woman is considered incapable of doing anything but running the house, rearing, and giving birth to those who need both parents. There is simply no corrective value in locking up a decent man because he suffers from "malignant moms" the easy label of "dead-beat-dads" should be left in the rubbish heap of social welfare history.
>>In my judgment (pardon the pun) no one who is working to pay child support is so vengeful as to purposely leave his job; employers are prejudiced against divorced men thinking all sorts of strange reasons. Divorced women cannot get jobs because they cannot get child care -- no one can.
>>I must stop here, this is far too meaningful for me.
Respectfully yours, etc.
if people stayed married, this wouldn't be a problem. It's too convenient to get divorces today. Vows are important until it's no longer convenient for either partner. That's an arrangement , not a marriage.
@Kirsten Haecker , that is true but I strongly suspect that most divorces aren't because of this.
Kirsten Haecker What percentage are abusive?
@@christinah.8504 mine certainly was not a good divorce. I never even saw it coming, until I was getting divorced. Was not even thinking about it but so painful. I will not even date.
Very valuable. So many folks misunderstand this phenomenon. A few legit problems get magnified over time in public perception, then morph into public policy. What a nightmare, both in the abstract, and for those men (and their children) that find themselves captive to this system! 😬 Thank you for bringing attention and clarity to this controversial topic -- as always .... 😉
Faithful to my ex wife, paid every mortgage with my military retirement, did all chores and watched our children full time. After 10 years she decided she wasn’t “happy” and she got a false abuse court order while I was watching my son and I was kicked out of my house to the street. Meaning I became homeless and was threatened with jail if I did not pay her lawyer and give her $1,700 a month. She has successfully alienated me from my children for last two years. The epidemic is Narcissistic parental alienation which is child abuse.
My dad had a child with a crazy drug addict. He left her because of how abusive she was to him physically, mentally, emotionally. She went and told everyone at church how my dad left her with a baby and kept getting money from them. He was sending her money via traveler's checks every week and sending toys and clothes. He lived far away so he couldn't see him that often. She decided she wasn't getting enough so she took my dad to court. He didn't really have the money for a lawyer but his work helped him out a little bit. The judge said my dad didn't owe her any money and that she owed him like $800 cause he paid too much, even though he wasn't ordered to. She kept trying to fight for money 'cause her car was going bad and she needed a good one. She thought she was gonna get $5000-6000 and get a new car. The karma came when she no longer could stay home on welfare, no longer was getting healthcare so she actually had to start working again.
The problem is without a lawyer and living in another state the state of TN was more than happy to steal money from my old man, til he got it settled in person. The kicker is that they were making him pay for two kids that weren't even his and that she didn't even have custody of. Also, when he lost his job, the government told him he was not able to leave the country, for any reason. They also talked about revoking his gun rights.
One of my grandfather's sons wasn't actually his. He paid all those years and knew that something wasn't right. It wasn't til his first wife was about to die that she confessed.
I'm a *mother* with 50/50 joint custody and I still have to pay child support, but I agree with you as far as the situations you describe.
That seems odd. If you share custody 50/50 why not share basic expenses 50/50... If you make more money than your ex that doesnt make your kids basic needs any more expensive.
sounds like an exception or you're making it up.
@@Meta4ce In 50/50 whoever makes more usually pays the other. Woman/man doesn't matter. Sometimes it is so stupidly low ($47 a month) one would wonder why even bother? The formulas rule all.
@@Meta4ce Could be an exception, I don't know. Definitely not making it up.
@@whitney6641 The judge said they want to equalize the finances between households.
Fantastic video. The Idea of going to prison for not paying for a child that isn't biologically yours scares me
I've tried for 6 years to work with my children's father. I'm personally thankful for this system.
It worked for you. I doesn't work for everyone. That seems to be his point. Could the system be changed in a way that would have still worked for you, but allowed to stop other abuses that weren't in your situation?
I can’t comprehend the reason why Someone who is not the legitimate father of a child-should have to bear the responsibility of that child, because of the devious or dubious actions of a wife or a girlfriend. Why has it not been at a higher level of the court systems in the states. In my humble opinion it is clearly unconstitutional to charge someone to pay for something that they have not bought the fruit of or are responsible for something that they did not knowingly agree to. It’s just wrong. I wonder how something like this totally unfair process could continue in this country.
Incarceration for non payment only puts a bigger burden on the tax payer, not the father
So what do you do if they won't pay? Do you feel like the father shouldn't have to pay anything at all?
I'm not sure what the figures are in the USA, but in South Africa, when people get divorced, the man's lifestyle increases with about 40% while the woman and children's lifestyle decreases with about 30%. Many women and children are struggling because the fathers refuse to pay child support. Our court system is not as effective in tracking down fathers who do not pay child support. I don't know what the answer is, but the reality is that in the end the children are the ones who suffer, and they did not ask to be born.
Joint custody and shared financial responsibility outside the court system doesn't work if one parent is a malignant grandiose narcissist, male or female. They are way too selfish and don't ever live up to their end of the deal. I know this firsthand. My ex had plenty of money for trips around the world, motorcycles, expensive cars but couldn't cough up lunch money when he took them to school. Furthermore, does anybody ever care about the kid that has to move every single week? Try moving every week and let me know how that works for you. Also, what about the fact that kids are not financially independent at age 18? Somebody is still supporting the 18, 19, 20, 21 year old college students. It's very expensive to raise kids into young adults and it doesn't end at age 18.
Couldn't agree more!!!
Incarceration for lack of payment is ludicrous! First off, debtor's prison is supposed to be a thing of the distant past. But mainly, how can you earn money if you're locked up?! I agree w/Dr. G that the system is broken.
The fundimental problem is "child support" isn't about the interests of the child (who doesn't vote or pay court fees) it's about the interests of the woman
This is an accurate description. Once again Dr. Grande nails it.
Incredibly informative. I had no idea there were a higher percentage of dead beat moms than dads. Your recommendations for how to change the system are so reasonable. Maybe you can suggest ways that we viewers can help bring about change. "Write your congressman" is something I do fairly often but I have doubts about whether it really does anything. Maybe we have to start a grassroots campaign. Maybe there's a good online forum for this.
It is rare to find anyone bringing such a balanced view to issues like these. Thank you and keep up the good work!
P.S. Could you please run for POTUS?!
I am not even allowed to apply for parental test for ... i have been cheated on.
But I have question: what world or institutions do lawyers go to that detached them from reality of life? I failed to understand, how I talked to someone on the phone and told me, "I don't care what you think, how you feel or reason, but you must pay until court orders otherwise reverses, thank you and bye" Preposterous.
I'm so sorry someone spoke to you like that. Lawyers are there for paychecks, they often lose sense of reality and care. I think its fucked up there's no burden of proof on the mother to show that you are indeed the parent. Very messed up, and I am so sorry. It gets better and if you care for that child, it will be returned in karma ten fold.
@@andie5031 thanks, I feel like to fight till the end and i know am right, but also feel sorry for innocent kids used as a bait to fulfil wild fantasies. but also battle with depression and more and more that undermine my wellbeing,
On the other hand, since you are billed for all phone calls and time, understanding and consolation is cheaper if it doesn't come from your attorney.....
That sucks, I guess you were married when she cheated.
You have been ordered into slavery by these thugs. You need to let as many people as possible know how this works, and find out how to change the laws. Go to the polls, just so your letters will count more when you write to your legislators.
tax payers pay for it. Taxpayers pay 66 cents on the dollar for every dollar a father or mother pays money into the system. It's a 65 billion a year business. It's not going away because too many people are involved.
I was court-ordered to pay $300 a month for one child even throughout a 4.5 year legal battle to get on disability when I couldn't work, period. This was repeatedly used against me in custodial hearings until I couldn't see my child at all but must still pay support. I face special stigmatization as a non-custodial mother with doctors often refusing to let me see my child's records, etc. Having a child with a manipulative, malicious narcissist is a lifelong heartache. Accountability for custodial expenses, mercy for non custodial parents penalties and arrears.
As a man I would be quite happy having full custody without child support. Tax payers should not be supporting the child eithet. I think child support should be abolished. I don't earn a large income, but I believe in personal responsibility, so who ever has the child should pay for the child & if the x wife wants to have shared custody, then she pays for the time she has the child.
I like the cut of your jib "Abolish ' the whole thing
Dr. Grande you have really missed the boat here. If divorcing parents are mature enough to do shared parenting well, they can work out these issues between each other. But most divorcing parents are not able to co-parent well. Making sure the non-resident’s money gets to the custodial parent is a fundamental goal and the state does it effectively.
@@The_ScapeGoat I am only speaking of the cash transfer being effective. The many other human and bureaucratic factors would need to be analyzed to be able to draw conclusions. And what data do you have to support your assertion about the worthlessness of people involved with Child Support?
Why does a child need $4000 a month?
Because it is for the mother, not the child
It doesn't matter if you reduce
the child support amount. The
amount my dad had to pay back
in the barbaric '70's was really
low, but mom still spent most of
it on herself. The children are the
ones most likely to suffer if the
child support payments are reduced, because some mothers
are like medieval feudal ladies
that feel they are entitled to a
tithe of 90% while the children
( the serfs ) are only entitled
10%. If the child support doesn't
pay for mom's designer dresses
she'll take it out of their food
budget. No one will accuse her of
anything even when the kids are
30 pounds underweight.
The system is often so illogical with it, as are the arguments in favour.
“The majority of custody arrangements are decided outside of court”-yeah because the man knows he won’t get it in court and doesn’t want to spend thousands in legal fees and risk bankruptcy (and therefore jail due to not paying child support or alimony) only to still not get custody.
In California jails for example, 76% of the fathers in jail for not paying support weren’t able to afford it (Sorensen et al 2015)
Dr. Grande, as a single mother, I endorse your initiative! Going to the courts should absolutely be a last resort. But unfortunately, not everyone wants to communicate or collaborate.
@Atypical Black is that any of your business? I'm not trying to be flippant, but I'm not sure what this has to do with anything else. Because I share some personal information, does that give everyone the right to my other personal business? I would ask you to respectfully respond to my comment instead.
@Atypical Black You're rude.
@Atypical Black LMFAO
@4:31 the fact that dr grande acknowledged needs to be monetary compensation to motivate men to father says more about the men than mothers. Mothers have been providing for children without ANY monetary compensation without needing coddled with financial incentives
As a mom to my 13 year old daughter, I have had to pay child support for her for 10 years since my divorce, to my ex husband, whom my daughter does not live with, and the court in Denver refuses to change it, even tho my ex mother in law has had custody of her since she was 9 months old due to my ex having a myriad of mental health issues. I have been jailed and had my driver license suspended at least 10 or more times in the time I have been paying. Currently have child support garnish my tax refund, for me and my current husband, whom is not financially responsible for my arrears to the child support. So, I understand and wish the system was abolished because the court I have dealt with, in regards to my daughter being subjected to DV, and a narc of a mother in law, who has done all she can to keep me from her as much as she can get away with.
@What Not To Do At a Stoplight actually, I was a full-time student and not working at the time. And have gone back to school twice for my Bachelor's degree and now am working on my Masters. They still haven't changed the system. They claim it is because I am able bodied enough to hold a minimum wage job, but the child support wld not award me anything to live on at the end of the day.
It’s the children that suffer most.
Doctor Grande you definitely touched all vital points of the story's 👍
My ex tried to tell me I better not be spending any of the child support on myself, that if I buy a can of tuna fish, I better keep track of how much of it I ate and how much my son. He was paying only $400 a month.
I told him if he thought $400 was enough to cover housing, utilities, food, clothing, gas for transport, medical care, and activities and school supplies for a child, he better think again.
FYI, he didn’t want custody and rarely visited. He left us when my son was a baby because he didn’t want the responsibility. He told me his new interest offered him “freedom and fun” instead of the responsibility of a wife and child.
I was happy to take my child over anything else. We struggled financially as single moms often do, but it was worth it. My ex was not the best as a husband or father, but he did always pay child support, even when he left the country.
Ex husband?
I’ve seen a lot in life I’m getting old. It’s clear to me that the current system is extremely in humane. I totally agree with your assessment and your proposed solutions. I’m amazed how unfair it is. I can see over the course of my lifetime I’ve watched the rogue factor in women increase because it’s fashionable. You could pretty much predict that the irresponsible spouse was going to be the husband until about 10 years ago when I saw increasing numbers of women abandoning their children for drugs. The rise of incarceration of women also mirrors this switch in roles. It seems to me that all this ridiculous reality TV glorification of belligerent feminism and extreme self-centered behavior has had a horrible impact on people under the age of 40. Thanks for this video Dr. Grande it’s a really good one
"self-centered behavior"...that is society in a nutshell, these days.
We need more healthy and stable fathers.
Thank you, Dr. Grande !
If the mother doesnt want to be involved with her child, she should pay child support. Same goes for dad. What we're not gonna do is think you can squirt out babies and just leave them to poverty.
I am lucky, I have my kids 365 days a year. I do have to pay spousal support but at least I have my babies here safe.
Why are you paying spousal support?
I would LOVE for someone to ask why my child support goes. You will get my bill from daycare that child support doesn’t even fully COVER.
Then that part of the video wasn’t aimed at you. How about you get a job and help pay your share of the daycare sunshine?
Andrew Floeter oof I work full time, SUNSHINE. I apply ALL MY CHILD SUPPORT to the $1,000 a month daycare bill and pay the remainder of $700 out of my pocket 😘
This is a really good video, Dr. Grande. The big problem is that every family has a different set of circumstances but the laws are one-size-fits-all. The state can't change the laws from one family or one person to the next, so what's the answer? Also, the laws are completely different from state to state. One person may actually deserve to go to jail whereas someone else doesn't because they got laid off or got an illness or injury. My son's father didn't pay child support for most all of my sons childhood, owed me $36,000 in arrears, and the only thing that ever happened to him (in Oregon) is his drivers license was suspended. My husband never missed a payment to the mother of his child in Oklahoma, and was told that if he missed one payment it was a felony and he'd go to prison--even if he lost his job and didn't have the money. It makes no sense whatsoever. I guess lawmakers don't want to deal with reality.
Did you actually need the money, or are you just salty?
I love that you factored in the mental impact on the children and fathers as it related to financial and physical support. Child support should include the entire well-being of the family, not just the financial cost of raising a child ❤
I'm lucky that I was 12 when my parents split up. I pretty much crashed at whichever parents place I felt like
😍🙏❤
Great video. This needs to be a much broader discussion. I feel really sorry for guys who are bound to pay for kids WHO ARE GENETICALLY PROVEN TO NOT BE THEIRS! That's just insane to me. I will do further research for sure. Thanks, Dr. Grande.
The system isn't broken, it's doing exactly what they want it to do plus prisons need prisoners and they get paid based of the amount of prisoners they have and get
Female parents not infrequently do not pursue child support, to protect their children from narcissistic male parents ( and other pathology ). It is a sacrifice to carry the financial burden alone, for the emotional stability of her and the children.