💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
It’s not easy coming out of this trap I think it’s only about your conscious once connects with unconscious and understand what actually going on here/ what I am trying to do here.? Gradually it start making sense as by your hyper vigilance even in the midst of some busy work you catch hold of your feelings and see through it step by step
Spot on.....at 57 with 3 burnouts, lifetime depression, lately anxiety. Chikdhood abuse, degree, buying and selling houses, single mum 30 yrs, education career 30 yrs..... this makes so much sense, finally....
19:30 My father taught us both of those "lessons" growing up. The second one he said exactly what you listed, verbatim. The first one he said a little differently in a way that made it even worse, and I realized just a year and a half ago how insidiously harmful the phrase is (though unintentionally harmful--it was meant with good intentions) : "If you're not going to do it right the first time, then don't do it at all." It not only sets up a low tolerance for not doing things as well as you "should have", it also explicitly sets up low tolerance for even a single failed/subpar attempt, and a subconscious expectation that you are a failure/unworthy of you have troubles or haven't done enough. Even after recognizing that, I'm still working to untangle things inside me.
Thanks for sharing. Think about humans learn to walk (one of the most difficult things ever) we learn by observing others and trial and error. And we fall down many times! No one does it perfectly the first time. This is nature's way. No one should be expected to do anything perfectly the first time.
Same here... Healthy parents let their children learn from mistakes and encourage continuous efforts... But at my home mistakes and failures are mercilessly criticised... "Either do it perfectly, or do not even think of doing it ".. 😢 I still carry these thoughts subconsciously
Your subconscious mind associates childhood trauma with the "feeling" of being in a state of helpless captivity. Every time you ruminate, you feel a sense of captivity.
Yep. I just keep repeatedly putting myself in a position to be used and hurt. Again and again I place my trust in someone who has proven over the span of over twenty year’s, that I am not important to him to stop. He knows that he is hurting me, so he lies. I know this yet I continue to hope and try. I continue to move forward despite my reality. I simply can not accept that my reality is NOT what I believed or hoped. No matter what I do it will NEVER be good enough, I will never be good enough and I have never been good enough.
I used to become su!c!dal when i made a mistake. One day i realized that i dont feel the same way about other people's mistakes. In reverse, thats putting someone on the firing squad for a typo. It helped me learn to have grace for myself.
The awesome band"Suicidal Tendencies"from the 80's-90's has got me through some stuff times. The lyrics are so understanding,and tried. They explain it perfect.
I have a wife of 28 years and four daughters, all in their 20's now. I have been working with a therapist for a while, and this video came up. After watching it and crying repetitively, I sent the link to my family. Thank you for helping us find a language to start talking about and hopefully work towards our healing together.
@@Heyu7her3 - But then you find it and it’s like a key that opens up a door that leads to the life you could have been living if you hadn’t been stuck trying to just survive. Then you have both living skills and survival skills.
I recently read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, and it was lightbulbs going off one after the other. Unrelenting standards can definitely be a result of trauma, but it can also be your nature. I've learned that having these high standards can be a good thing - it's a matter of learning to take them from maladaptive to adaptive. Sure, I'll go off the rails once in a while, but making my perfectionism work for me (and understanding what kind of perfectionist I am) has been so helpful. I highly recommend that book for anyone curious about if they're a perfectionist. It's geared towards women but it can easily be applied to perfectionist men as well.
This was so good … I’ve always struggled with perfectionism … I’m so drained and overwhelmed most of the time … I just spin my wheels and accomplish very little … compared to my younger years. I’ve kind of slowed down but I beat myself up for being “so behind”. I need to work on the core issues.
I'm either a perfectionist and never happy with anything I make or do. Or I am the complete opposite and have a 'why bother' attitude. That's why I probably don't fit into groups preferring my own company or the company of my closest friends. Constant criticism by parents from; academic studies or sporting events at school, to my looks, clothes, hairstyle, weight have been unhealthy and all consuming.
Constant criticism from others really makes us devalue ourselves. We end up trying to please the very people who look down on us, which is impossible. One thing that has helped me is to figure out ways to constantly detach from these negative people and focus on my own goals.
"Do it right, or don't do it at all." That's has been my mantra at work as a landscaper. It was also the mantra when I drew my profile picture. There are mistakes in it. I couldn't improve it to perfection, because it was already in ink. It's a counting error in the gallery of Kings. It sneaked in. But I decided to go on with it and line up all the stones in it. So instead of going for the ultimate perfection, I went for wholeness. That was the learning process behind this. Because this translates into my personality. If I didn't tell you where the mistakes are in my profile picture, you would have never noticed them. Mistakes or not, it still looks as if it's coming out of the paper. These drawings speak volumes about my personality.
What about someone who has a mum who didn’t want a girl due to her own traumas so that highly intelligent girl was told always “don’t even try because you aren’t going to university”? I overcame that massively then burned out and had a NDE. 7 yrs on I have bursts of intelligence sharing then I just sit down and don’t continue to create my plans from my ideas. ❤ really appreciate everything you bring Tim😉
This entire lecture talks about the childhood trauma of people with Enneagram Type One: The Moral Perfectionist, the type who want to get things done right and get it done right the first time.
I just recently understood that I set the bar too high for me self each day. And quite often it leads to me having anxiety at the end of the day because obviously I can’t reach the bar every single day. And then I start applying all those unhealthy ways of coping with the anxiety. That revelation was huge. Now I am working on that issue…
Thank you for providing some specific directions for addressing this. Ive known for a while that I have the underlying feeling that if i can just get everything right, everything will be okay. I haven’t had any idea about what to do about except to try to pay attention, and that just becomes one more thing i have to do perfectly.
This is me 100%. One thing, I do want to be happy and I know trying to achieve as much as I can is not going to lead to that. I value "achieving and becoming more" as more important than being happy. Thank you for this video.
This helps a lot. Thank you so much! I recognized my prison a while ago, took steps out of it, but it always seems something (limbic me) tries to keep me in there with self destructive energy and my conscious part didn't understood it. Now with your help I get, that I need - or better I am *allowed* - to be even more kind to me, to accept the carved in "old ways" and take my time to unlearn them. Allowed to cheer me up, that I already on my way to change it, even if it feels often as a throwback when I fail. I am already on my way out, but the way has to be walked, I cannot jump straight hundreds of kilometers to get to the goal at once. And the path is dark and wiretapped by myself. It sounds paradox, I have to escape myself to change myself to get to myself and all at once.
Well i'm living in family that has high standards. But over years and hard work on myself is srt my self free, but still, when they push on me hard sometimes i break and go with the flow. But i realised when i do that very very inttense anget comes out and i lash at my family mebers. Before i was seen as good son, now im seen as weird and unmotivated person. Also part of my healing was in resting. Before every time i rested i felt very very bad, now i dont feel it anymore. But again when family see me resting they start to push with shame. In this are, they are not hurting me anymore. And as you said, it is true when parents cant fufill theyre unachivable standards, when they get older, they start to push them on kids. So yeah weird world we are livingin
I'm just now seeing how I'm just going with the same patterns I had as a kid. It's not helping me now. It's really sad not to see this until you're older. I don't know how to live without my defalt setting.
0:04 - Talk about previous video and introduction to this video 2:04 - Perspective on trauma: Unhealthy coping mechanisms, their origins, development and eventual transformation into prisons/life traps 9:29 - Summary of Life traps 11:27 - What life traps are built on ? 12:49 - 3 features of life traps 13:46 - Unrelenting standards and the characteristics of people who have them. 19:51- The problem with unrelenting standards 21:18 - Test if you have Unrelenting standards 23:03 - 3 variations of unrelenting standards 25:00 - Where does this unrelenting standards prison develop? 29:55 - Faulty solutions to shame and their consequences 32:03 - Building life on lies 35:22 - Pitfalls on the road to recovery 43:35 - Steps to changing
I’m only halfway through. I’m in this video and not sure I like it. 38 years old, 2 burnouts and grappling with how to deal with never feeling like I’m performing good enough for my capacity.
I'd like to thank you for this precious content , it was both very painful to watch and freeing. Enjoying instead of achieving... This is so crazy !so important I bought myself a canoe last month to use it just for fun, it felt like the 1st best choice of my life Thank you for this content 🙏
thank you for this, very much so, I feel ruined and shamed because I am a loser and faulure at every single metric of other pple judging me so I will fail all thro out life. life is hell. i have my meds and cope but I am ruined as a person. I am trying and listening and still trying. I am not giving up on me and why I turned out the way I did. very very good talk I am here with my notebook and writing about it all. writing to cope because theres no help for me.
I'm truly miserable and can't let go of my shame, self-doubt, and constant regret about the past. I really need to feel like something is working, that SOMETHING I'm giving ALL my effort into is WORTH IT! I just finished renovating an entire house BY MYSELF, as just one example. Countless others. Sobriety, weight loss, working out every damn day, getting my finances in control, nothing matters to anyone. I'm so lonely and miserable. I wish anyone gave a shit, and by that I mean WOMEN. I wish I saw a light at the end of this miserable tunnel.
Women aren’t going to help with fulfillment in that. Not if you’re not healthy at least. Married for 13 years, with 3 kids. I’m constantly at the brink to ending it all becuase didn’t get a sense of my self before getting married. The woman in my life doesn’t respect those hard working type of sacrifices or (more importantly) the fact that I did those things while under the burden of self loathing and tremendous CPTSD. Living with that burden, and then getting married is a sure way to partner with someone who will most likely exacerbate your misery, and likely bring you to the braking point. Then you have kids to look at everyday and wish you were never in their life because you might infecting them with that brokenness. And in that type of darkness there’s no finding the light. Days are spent doing the math wonder if they’re better off without out you. Bringing women in to your life is a noble notion, but a very tough thing to dicers. You may end up in a new type of hell that’s genuinely impossible to escape l. Get well, not productive first. Get smart first. You can do it. Learn from our mistakes. ❤️❤️
I have to add something. You don’t need anyone to give a shot, not until YOU give a shot about what you’ve done with yourself and your life. You sound like an absolute unit. I mean that. Hear me loud amd clear; IF YOU dont get it FIRST, who the hell else will?
You sound very nice 😊- I’m a woman and renovate by myself too - could do with your expertise and knowledge 😊…- maybe join the mostly-ladies aqua class and have some coffee with them afterwards?😉😁
I also don't get how "creating things" is not "doing". Even in French, the verb "faire" means "to do/ make/ create". I personally do not see "creating" as "rest". It's just another expectation. I just take naps.
My basic needs always came out in outbursts as an adult. I'd be fine for a long duration then I'd have an inappropriate outburst. My parents were hard-working but mum was emotionally unavailable and my dad was angry at the times I did get spend time with them, so I adapted, it was difficult for to accept that I had underlying needs so isolated and tried to fulfill them myself. But all I ever wanted was to be seen and understood but that was never received through parenting
Hi Tim ,Is their hope for someone like me to change and being able to accept all flaws i made in my life time?I’m 67 yrs old.U explain it so easy yo understand.I’m on my way for therapy for my childhood trauma.I’m miserable.I cannot deny it any longer.Is their hope for me SirI’m grateful i found u in U-tube.was not interested before ,cause i couldn’t stand their way of explanation.Thanks again!
What about developing such unrelenting standards as a result of experience in adult life? I think I might be such a case, as I don't really see any origins of it in my childhood. For five years I stayed in a toxic relationship with a woman who basically killed my self-esteem. I felt constantly condemned and criticised by her and I developed a habit of feeling guilty of everything, even the smallest things. But it did not really hit me until we broke up. I broke down completely, feeling that my life is over and that it ended as a total failure. While trying to get out of this neurotic slump I started to do more, work more, use my time as efficiently as I could, organise everything, neglecting relax and staying further away from people. After 2 years I realised I became a perfectionist although earlier in my life I had never shown such tendencies... Thank you for this video. Maybe it will be easier for me to accept that from time to time I have to slow down, as this feeling of guilt has been ever present everytime I feel I'm not pushing myself to the limit, even during the holiday...
Does anyone hear think that a religious (catholic) upbringing background has anything to do with contributing to this problem of Trama in the child's life. especially if the child was too young to understand the concepts. and if one of the parents the mother was depressed and the other the father was suffering from C-ptsd himself.
QUESTION - - could someone with your team give a response please? I have been wondering if you have cease doing spiritual applications at the end of your teaching videos? I found them so very helpful but I don’t want to go looking for Videos that presents the biblical applications, if there none to be found in your more recent videos. Thanks a lot! 😃
That' is not the problem, the problem for me is I cannot make any friends or partners so I keep busy with my looks, my painting, and trying to be happy alone, I am very perfectionistic; I find people to be impossible to hang onto or to get close too, the ones I do get close too end up stabbing me in back, or being poor excuses for human beings, people are liars, and morons, and now I am too old to be in the running, its very depressing, my favourite companions are ragdollcats and animals, the problem is that addicts have an attachment disorder and I am an addict, been in AA for 25years, but now I am addicted to other chemicals, its really catch 22, my health has deteriorated too! Sorry I hope I am not too negative!🎉
The biggest problem in the world today is everyone is living for themselves. As a Christian you need to deny yourself and every self centered thought and desire. If you can do that then Jesus story becomes your story and you are freed from yourself. Focus on the kingdom of God and focus on what is good, honest, and positive.
@@renespain3798 You are right you have to come to God every day and pray to him and build a relationship with him. He will heal all trauma and if he doesn't then you don't know him you are still living every day for you and haven't denied yourself.
@@keithherrera1038Trauma skews relationship with God for some people. I agree He can heal but it may not be a quick fix if you were a person traumatized by a Father and then trying to know your Heavenly Father. I think sometimes things aren’t always that simplistic. It takes time and learning God not through the lense of those dysfunctional relationships. “Dying to self” doesn’t heal trauma. People that had horrible caregivers don’t even know who they are to begin with because they weren’t loved for just being alive. So I agree to dying to self but you also have to learn God is nothing like any person you have ever been in contact with. Far more kind and loves infinitely more. You have to HAVE a sense of self to die to that sense of self. God is relational and walks with people and meets them where they are.
> Well yes, I was hurt hideously by my parents when I was growing up and I'm glad I survived (although barely just, unaliving thoughts were just around the corner), but I can't use the word C-PTSD to describe myself, c'mon! I'm kinda okay now, working on my self, and it would be disrespectful to the REAL victims to just throw this diagnosis around carelessly, you know > presentation, point g), you meet all the criteria for Complex Trauma Welp.
Interesting, my dad has unrelenting standards, my mom has adopted his maladaptive pattern of unrelenting standards because I think she respects him, however she is not great at this pattern. She gives up easily, the irony of a spouse adopting a maladaptive pattern and giving up using another maladaptive pattern food reward.
You make sense but you spend WAY TOO MUCH time talking about the problem and not the solution which tells me most time gurus like you have no clue how to heal / only to point obvious issues we hear over and over. You getting paid by RUclips through these ads we have to sit and watch - how about putting more emphasis on the SOLUTION and how to heal
Years ago I read Bible in Isaiah - they are in holes, in prison. Why did brain problems have to be so destructive that a loving relationship cannot survive, that God has placed me, to be threatened, not understood, talked over- my statements twisted and Not what I said, thought of by a white man to be submissive & do wife tasks, when reality here Off-grid 2 years is such undone he has to constantly redo, very unhealthy, smoky woodstove with no damper control/ overheat, rooms about 8' x 10' no air in berm, tons of concrete onto small 3 room dysfunctional/ never anyone else build such. And says God told him to build it 😮. Uses black screws in Wood-that are for sheetrock- screams when screws won't come back out.
God damn. I click on these damn videos and cannot get through more than a minute or two This guy’s voice is so tired and droning and he makes it all sound so blah, blah, blah, disinteresting.
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
the worst one is when you’re completely dysfunctional and your “standards” for yourself are sky high
🎯🏆🏅🎖🥇
This is where I am too.
Most definitely
It’s not easy coming out of this trap
I think it’s only about your conscious once connects with unconscious and understand what actually going on here/ what I am trying to do here.? Gradually it start making sense as by your hyper vigilance even in the midst of some busy work you catch hold of your feelings and see through it step by step
@@anamikaawasthi450
Can you explain it in an easier way?
Spot on.....at 57 with 3 burnouts, lifetime depression, lately anxiety. Chikdhood abuse, degree, buying and selling houses, single mum 30 yrs, education career 30 yrs..... this makes so much sense, finally....
19:30 My father taught us both of those "lessons" growing up. The second one he said exactly what you listed, verbatim. The first one he said a little differently in a way that made it even worse, and I realized just a year and a half ago how insidiously harmful the phrase is (though unintentionally harmful--it was meant with good intentions) :
"If you're not going to do it right the first time, then don't do it at all."
It not only sets up a low tolerance for not doing things as well as you "should have", it also explicitly sets up low tolerance for even a single failed/subpar attempt, and a subconscious expectation that you are a failure/unworthy of you have troubles or haven't done enough.
Even after recognizing that, I'm still working to untangle things inside me.
Thanks for sharing. Think about humans learn to walk (one of the most difficult things ever) we learn by observing others and trial and error. And we fall down many times! No one does it perfectly the first time. This is nature's way. No one should be expected to do anything perfectly the first time.
Same here... Healthy parents let their children learn from mistakes and encourage continuous efforts... But at my home mistakes and failures are mercilessly criticised... "Either do it perfectly, or do not even think of doing it ".. 😢 I still carry these thoughts subconsciously
Your subconscious mind associates childhood trauma with the "feeling" of being in a state of helpless captivity. Every time you ruminate, you feel a sense of captivity.
Yep. I just keep repeatedly putting myself in a position to be used and hurt. Again and again I place my trust in someone who has proven over the span of over twenty year’s, that I am not important to him to stop. He knows that he is hurting me, so he lies. I know this yet I continue to hope and try. I continue to move forward despite my reality. I simply can not accept that my reality is NOT what I believed or hoped. No matter what I do it will NEVER be good enough, I will never be good enough and I have never been good enough.
I used to become su!c!dal when i made a mistake. One day i realized that i dont feel the same way about other people's mistakes. In reverse, thats putting someone on the firing squad for a typo. It helped me learn to have grace for myself.
The awesome band"Suicidal Tendencies"from the 80's-90's has got me through some stuff times. The lyrics are so understanding,and tried. They explain it perfect.
I have a wife of 28 years and four daughters, all in their 20's now. I have been working with a therapist for a while, and this video came up. After watching it and crying repetitively, I sent the link to my family. Thank you for helping us find a language to start talking about and hopefully work towards our healing together.
20/11/24 ouvindo 20:14 h.
Obrigado pelo seu trabalho nesse presente provável!
ADONAI!
The mantra I use to give myself grace about this is "that strategy worked until it stopped working"
apparently mine has never started working....
@@raymond_sycamore I feel that too 🫡🫂
@@raymond_sycamore- It worked. Your standards were just so high that you couldn’t accept that it wasn’t working perfectly. 😁
The problem is finding something that would work *_enough_* -- which is irritating & exhausting
@@Heyu7her3 - But then you find it and it’s like a key that opens up a door that leads to the life you could have been living if you hadn’t been stuck trying to just survive. Then you have both living skills and survival skills.
I recently read The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control, and it was lightbulbs going off one after the other. Unrelenting standards can definitely be a result of trauma, but it can also be your nature. I've learned that having these high standards can be a good thing - it's a matter of learning to take them from maladaptive to adaptive. Sure, I'll go off the rails once in a while, but making my perfectionism work for me (and understanding what kind of perfectionist I am) has been so helpful. I highly recommend that book for anyone curious about if they're a perfectionist. It's geared towards women but it can easily be applied to perfectionist men as well.
Feels like you are talking directly to me .... I needed to hear this.
This was so good … I’ve always struggled with perfectionism … I’m so drained and overwhelmed most of the time … I just spin my wheels and accomplish very little … compared to my younger years.
I’ve kind of slowed down but I beat myself up for being “so behind”. I need to work on the core issues.
I'm either a perfectionist and never happy with anything I make or do. Or I am the complete opposite and have a 'why bother' attitude. That's why I probably don't fit into groups preferring my own company or the company of my closest friends. Constant criticism by parents from; academic studies or sporting events at school, to my looks, clothes, hairstyle, weight have been unhealthy and all consuming.
Constant criticism from others really makes us devalue ourselves. We end up trying to please the very people who look down on us, which is impossible. One thing that has helped me is to figure out ways to constantly detach from these negative people and focus on my own goals.
"Do it right, or don't do it at all." That's has been my mantra at work as a landscaper. It was also the mantra when I drew my profile picture. There are mistakes in it. I couldn't improve it to perfection, because it was already in ink. It's a counting error in the gallery of Kings. It sneaked in. But I decided to go on with it and line up all the stones in it. So instead of going for the ultimate perfection, I went for wholeness. That was the learning process behind this. Because this translates into my personality. If I didn't tell you where the mistakes are in my profile picture, you would have never noticed them. Mistakes or not, it still looks as if it's coming out of the paper.
These drawings speak volumes about my personality.
What about someone who has a mum who didn’t want a girl due to her own traumas so that highly intelligent girl was told always “don’t even try because you aren’t going to university”? I overcame that massively then burned out and had a NDE. 7 yrs on I have bursts of intelligence sharing then I just sit down and don’t continue to create my plans from my ideas. ❤ really appreciate everything you bring Tim😉
Please tell me about your NDE
I had one too
This entire lecture talks about the childhood trauma of people with Enneagram Type One: The Moral Perfectionist, the type who want to get things done right and get it done right the first time.
I just recently understood that I set the bar too high for me self each day. And quite often it leads to me having anxiety at the end of the day because obviously I can’t reach the bar every single day. And then I start applying all those unhealthy ways of coping with the anxiety. That revelation was huge. Now I am working on that issue…
Thank you for providing some specific directions for addressing this. Ive known for a while that I have the underlying feeling that if i can just get everything right, everything will be okay. I haven’t had any idea about what to do about except to try to pay attention, and that just becomes one more thing i have to do perfectly.
The timing is insane 😭✨
Same
I'm the mom of 2 addicts who are in active recovery for the past year. Hallelujah!! Tim, you are hurting my brain!!
What a good opportunity to become conscious about their upbringing and what went wrong. A opportunity to heal together together❤
Super cool that you are watching these videos and learning more about it!! Good job, Mama❤
This is me 100%.
One thing,
I do want to be happy and I know trying to achieve as much as I can is not going to lead to that.
I value "achieving and becoming more" as more important than being happy.
Thank you for this video.
Love all your videos, Tim! What a blessing you are to translate behaviours into their root cause.
This helps a lot. Thank you so much!
I recognized my prison a while ago, took steps out of it, but it always seems something (limbic me) tries to keep me in there with self destructive energy and my conscious part didn't understood it. Now with your help I get, that I need - or better I am *allowed* - to be even more kind to me, to accept the carved in "old ways" and take my time to unlearn them. Allowed to cheer me up, that I already on my way to change it, even if it feels often as a throwback when I fail. I am already on my way out, but the way has to be walked, I cannot jump straight hundreds of kilometers to get to the goal at once. And the path is dark and wiretapped by myself.
It sounds paradox, I have to escape myself to change myself to get to myself and all at once.
Well i'm living in family that has high standards.
But over years and hard work on myself is srt my self free, but still, when they push on me hard sometimes i break and go with the flow.
But i realised when i do that very very inttense anget comes out and i lash at my family mebers. Before i was seen as good son, now im seen as weird and unmotivated person.
Also part of my healing was in resting. Before every time i rested i felt very very bad, now i dont feel it anymore.
But again when family see me resting they start to push with shame.
In this are, they are not hurting me anymore.
And as you said, it is true when parents cant fufill theyre unachivable standards, when they get older, they start to push them on kids.
So yeah weird world we are livingin
I'm just now seeing how I'm just going with the same patterns I had as a kid. It's not helping me now. It's really sad not to see this until you're older. I don't know how to live without my defalt setting.
0:04 - Talk about previous video and introduction to this video
2:04 - Perspective on trauma: Unhealthy coping mechanisms, their origins, development and eventual transformation into prisons/life traps
9:29 - Summary of Life traps
11:27 - What life traps are built on ?
12:49 - 3 features of life traps
13:46 - Unrelenting standards and the characteristics of people who have them.
19:51- The problem with unrelenting standards
21:18 - Test if you have Unrelenting standards
23:03 - 3 variations of unrelenting standards
25:00 - Where does this unrelenting standards prison develop?
29:55 - Faulty solutions to shame and their consequences
32:03 - Building life on lies
35:22 - Pitfalls on the road to recovery
43:35 - Steps to changing
Sometimes I don't know how to be and act different. I don't know any better
I’m only halfway through. I’m in this video and not sure I like it. 38 years old, 2 burnouts and grappling with how to deal with never feeling like I’m performing good enough for my capacity.
I'd like to thank you for this precious content , it was both very painful to watch and freeing.
Enjoying instead of achieving... This is so crazy !so important
I bought myself a canoe last month to use it just for fun, it felt like the 1st best choice of my life
Thank you for this content 🙏
Audio quality in this episode is much improved over some previous episodes. Thank you
Thanks!
This is so helpful. Thank you ❤
Perfect timing. I am working on this right now.
Thank you for this. This content is saving my life. 💛
I’ll have to listen to this a thousand times. Oh, whoops, that’s my unrelenting standards
If that’s what it takes for positive change, so be it 👍
Thank You Tim!
I’m dealing with this now. Your video was on point and on time
Thanks for this Tim.
Truly helpful
Thank your for your sharing of important knowledge.
Wow, this is excellent!!! Thank you, Tim. ❤
Thank you! Another piece of my puzzle fell into place🌷🙏🌈🕊
big help man, thank you very much
If status money accomplishment creates a sense of happiness, then they are happy. If creating chaos makes someone satisfied, then they are satisfied
Ive watched quite a few videos like these but Tim...you say it in ways that I overstand innerstand and understand! Thx and many blessings to you sir
Did anyone notice that the quiz has a maximum score of 50, but Tim takes the results up to 60?
Please do schema therapy ONLY with a trauma therapist. I did schema therapy with a relational therapist and got retraumatized badly.
I don't understand how this is supposed to change for me when I live in a societal context that still expects these things of me.
You are able to say no
Give urself grace and then to others
This meant so much for me
Be kind to yourself.
I absolutely love your videos! They all resonate with me to the core. I learn so much from you! Thank You for doing what you do.
Thank you sooo much for whatever i learned from you ❤
thank you for this, very much so, I feel ruined and shamed because I am a loser and faulure at every single metric of other pple judging me so I will fail all thro out life. life is hell. i have my meds and cope but I am ruined as a person. I am trying and listening and still trying. I am not giving up on me and why I turned out the way I did. very very good talk I am here with my notebook and writing about it all. writing to cope because theres no help for me.
I'm truly miserable and can't let go of my shame, self-doubt, and constant regret about the past. I really need to feel like something is working, that SOMETHING I'm giving ALL my effort into is WORTH IT! I just finished renovating an entire house BY MYSELF, as just one example. Countless others. Sobriety, weight loss, working out every damn day, getting my finances in control, nothing matters to anyone. I'm so lonely and miserable. I wish anyone gave a shit, and by that I mean WOMEN. I wish I saw a light at the end of this miserable tunnel.
Take 5 grams of magic 🍄
Gratitude. Learn gratitude...
Women aren’t going to help with fulfillment in that. Not if you’re not healthy at least. Married for 13 years, with 3 kids. I’m constantly at the brink to ending it all becuase didn’t get a sense of my self before getting married. The woman in my life doesn’t respect those hard working type of sacrifices or (more importantly) the fact that I did those things while under the burden of self loathing and tremendous CPTSD. Living with that burden, and then getting married is a sure way to partner with someone who will most likely exacerbate your misery, and likely bring you to the braking point. Then you have kids to look at everyday and wish you were never in their life because you might infecting them with that brokenness. And in that type of darkness there’s no finding the light. Days are spent doing the math wonder if they’re better off without out you. Bringing women in to your life is a noble notion, but a very tough thing to dicers. You may end up in a new type of hell that’s genuinely impossible to escape l. Get well, not productive first. Get smart first. You can do it. Learn from our mistakes. ❤️❤️
I have to add something. You don’t need anyone to give a shot, not until YOU give a shot about what you’ve done with yourself and your life. You sound like an absolute unit. I mean that. Hear me loud amd clear; IF YOU dont get it FIRST, who the hell else will?
You sound very nice 😊- I’m a woman and renovate by myself too - could do with your expertise and knowledge 😊…- maybe join the mostly-ladies aqua class and have some coffee with them afterwards?😉😁
I also don't get how "creating things" is not "doing". Even in French, the verb "faire" means "to do/ make/ create".
I personally do not see "creating" as "rest". It's just another expectation. I just take naps.
Tim is describing me. The thing is I have not achieved much
Achievements can be so many things - are you a bit hard on yourself? Baking a cake for a friend or a family member is also an achievement 😊
Most people just don’t set their sights on high enough.
Annie Oakley:
We have been born forced into a prison planet. 😂 just be and you good.
thank you so much you are helping tremendously
You got these studies and research from my life.why won't any one help me now that I'm homeless living in the bushes
My basic needs always came out in outbursts as an adult. I'd be fine for a long duration then I'd have an inappropriate outburst. My parents were hard-working but mum was emotionally unavailable and my dad was angry at the times I did get spend time with them, so I adapted, it was difficult for to accept that I had underlying needs so isolated and tried to fulfill them myself. But all I ever wanted was to be seen and understood but that was never received through parenting
Since I've become a parent and a primary care taker this has gotten so much worse for me.
Hi Tim ,Is their hope for someone like me to change and being able to accept all flaws i made in my life time?I’m 67 yrs old.U explain it so easy yo understand.I’m on my way for therapy for my childhood trauma.I’m miserable.I cannot deny it any longer.Is their hope for me SirI’m grateful i found u in U-tube.was not interested before ,cause i couldn’t stand their way of explanation.Thanks again!
Thank you!!❤
Thank you so much
Thank you💫😽
This explained a past me that was on this path. Certainly explains my ex-wife.
Powerful
What about developing such unrelenting standards as a result of experience in adult life? I think I might be such a case, as I don't really see any origins of it in my childhood. For five years I stayed in a toxic relationship with a woman who basically killed my self-esteem. I felt constantly condemned and criticised by her and I developed a habit of feeling guilty of everything, even the smallest things. But it did not really hit me until we broke up. I broke down completely, feeling that my life is over and that it ended as a total failure. While trying to get out of this neurotic slump I started to do more, work more, use my time as efficiently as I could, organise everything, neglecting relax and staying further away from people. After 2 years I realised I became a perfectionist although earlier in my life I had never shown such tendencies... Thank you for this video. Maybe it will be easier for me to accept that from time to time I have to slow down, as this feeling of guilt has been ever present everytime I feel I'm not pushing myself to the limit, even during the holiday...
It's all me but it's done. Can't help myself, seeing the world disfigured trigger me 100% of the time and i think it's fine. Because it is what it is.
Does anyone hear think that a religious (catholic) upbringing background has anything to do with contributing to this problem of Trama in the child's life. especially if the child was too young to understand the concepts. and if one of the parents the mother was depressed and the other the father was suffering from C-ptsd himself.
People are fallen and make mistakes when things are not done in love they can be weird
Very interesting... but what to do if someone is already physically very very sick...
Yes I do... and I just crash because everything just becomes a pile that I can't deal with. TTnTT
QUESTION - - could someone with your team give a response please? I have been wondering if you have cease doing spiritual applications at the end of your teaching videos? I found them so very helpful but I don’t want to go looking for Videos that presents the biblical applications, if there none to be found in your more recent videos.
Thanks a lot! 😃
That' is not the problem, the problem for me is I cannot make any friends or partners so I keep busy with my looks, my painting, and trying to be happy alone, I am very perfectionistic; I find people to be impossible to hang onto or to get close too, the ones I do get close too end up stabbing me in back, or being poor excuses for human beings, people are liars, and morons, and now I am too old to be in the running, its very depressing, my favourite companions are ragdollcats and animals, the problem is that addicts have an attachment disorder and I am an addict, been in AA for 25years, but now I am addicted to other chemicals, its really catch 22, my health has deteriorated too! Sorry I hope I am not too negative!🎉
The biggest problem in the world today is everyone is living for themselves. As a Christian you need to deny yourself and every self centered thought and desire. If you can do that then Jesus story becomes your story and you are freed from yourself. Focus on the kingdom of God and focus on what is good, honest, and positive.
Coming to God doesn’t automatically heal trauma.
Service to self or service to others in spiritual terms.
@@renespain3798 You are right you have to come to God every day and pray to him and build a relationship with him. He will heal all trauma and if he doesn't then you don't know him you are still living every day for you and haven't denied yourself.
@@renespain3798True. We all need to do the work
@@keithherrera1038Trauma skews relationship with God for some people. I agree He can heal but it may not be a quick fix if you were a person traumatized by a Father and then trying to know your Heavenly Father. I think sometimes things aren’t always that simplistic. It takes time and learning God not through the lense of those dysfunctional relationships. “Dying to self” doesn’t heal trauma. People that had horrible caregivers don’t even know who they are to begin with because they weren’t loved for just being alive. So I agree to dying to self but you also have to learn God is nothing like any person you have ever been in contact with. Far more kind and loves infinitely more. You have to HAVE a sense of self to die to that sense of self. God is relational and walks with people and meets them where they are.
> Well yes, I was hurt hideously by my parents when I was growing up and I'm glad I survived (although barely just, unaliving thoughts were just around the corner), but I can't use the word C-PTSD to describe myself, c'mon! I'm kinda okay now, working on my self, and it would be disrespectful to the REAL victims to just throw this diagnosis around carelessly, you know
> presentation, point g), you meet all the criteria for Complex Trauma
Welp.
Where do I find what our 12 needs are?
ruclips.net/user/live0YGk8HWjSx0?si=H4t3G3VcB38Q1R_c
When I googled "the 12 basic human needs" I found the list.
@@cindyhall4407 look up tim fletcher basic needs...should pull up the video.
“My mom was never there but when she was, she was an ice cream cone.”
-me
Interesting, my dad has unrelenting standards, my mom has adopted his maladaptive pattern of unrelenting standards because I think she respects him, however she is not great at this pattern. She gives up easily, the irony of a spouse adopting a maladaptive pattern and giving up using another maladaptive pattern food reward.
Is it the subconscious or unconscious brain?
Hello Sir. I’m in Vermont USA.
Are you Canadian?
He is
Hi
I'm using this fuel to get rich
🙏
This is really sad. How the fuck do you get out?
I need help
Where can I find a list of the 12 needs? Did he mention them in this video?
Look on his channel page. He has several episodes on the 12 needs.
Yes Tim have several 12 Needs Videos😊
❤❤❤
You make sense but you spend WAY TOO MUCH time talking about the problem and not the solution which tells me most time gurus like you have no clue how to heal / only to point obvious issues we hear over and over. You getting paid by RUclips through these ads we have to sit and watch - how about putting more emphasis on the SOLUTION and how to heal
This is me. I ended my marriage and shortly after lost my health.
No really
😮❤😮❤😊😊😊😊😊😂❤❤😂❤❤❤❤❤😂❤❤😂❤❤❤❤❤❤
I first noticed you look pale here, not being rude just concerning if i see people look any more pale than usual! Hope everything is well
Years ago I read Bible in Isaiah - they are in holes, in prison. Why did brain problems have to be so destructive that a loving relationship cannot survive, that God has placed me, to be threatened, not understood, talked over- my statements twisted and Not what I said, thought of by a white man to be submissive & do wife tasks, when reality here Off-grid 2 years is such undone he has to constantly redo, very unhealthy, smoky woodstove with no damper control/ overheat, rooms about 8' x 10' no air in berm, tons of concrete onto small 3 room dysfunctional/ never anyone else build such. And says God told him to build it 😮. Uses black screws in Wood-that are for sheetrock- screams when screws won't come back out.
God damn. I click on these damn videos and cannot get through more than a minute or two This guy’s voice is so tired and droning and he makes it all sound so blah, blah, blah, disinteresting.
Thanks again for such an amazing insightful video
Thank you so much ❤