💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
There are still ideas such as "toughing up" children or "owning offsprings" and some might get the idea of spoiling children or overprotecting them in order to not traumatize them...either way, most people who have children should first question why do they want children. There's also the idea that "having children is social demmad". It's also a political issue. Societies need new generations but, what for? Manteining a cheap work force? Soldiers? Children have been considered a blessing in cultures and religions, from an antropology perspective for owning arms to work, especially boys who would be men and for caring the parents in their old years (women) and in my opinion that's the origen of patriarchy. We don't need to go back to the Roman Empire, in England fathers were entittled to sell their children and it changed with the sufragists getting power.
Empaths often attract needy people and have to learn how to put up boundaries. Also, people pleasers can also be individuals who attract narcissist partners who they kowtow to: it is not my observation that they always neglect their own families, sometimes they spoil their children. Those individuals need to work on teaching more autonomy to their kids.
But people need to go get help when the past effecting their presant day lives. It helps leave the past behind and look foward to a brighter tomorrow 👌🏼👏🏼
Either They did know any different or they took the easy route that so many do and just live life. I’m here to break the cycle. I love my past. Without it I likely would not be here. Much love luck and laughter you all
No wonder I was such a serious people pleaser. My parents did all the things on the list to me 😢. It is so hard to overcome the guilt of not putting others before me
I didn't realize I was a people pleaser until a few months ago... when around others, I get extremely burnt out, depressed and then isolate myself for days after the interaction. I have realized that I people please because I think if I keep people happy, then they are less likely to harm me in some way. I am still working on setting healthy boundaries and working on taking care of myself and my needs. I have also learned to say NO without going into a huge explanation haha I still struggle with this sometimes.
So I’m trying to avoid negative emotions? I’m trying to avoid the feelings of guilt and shame of not being good enough. Because I can’t fill myself with positive emotions about myself I people please and fawn to feel some sort of positive emotions about myself, from others from outside of me. 😮 I’ve been trying for 50 years to understand myself and your explanation Tim has given me the breakthrough or at least a bit more of an understanding of myself, thank you so much for this video and the information you’re sharing 🙏🏼 Edit Also I feel I do nice things for others and try to include others because I know how it feels to be left out and alone.
You hit on almost ever point that I’m dealing with. I’ve watched so many videos before about this subject but none revealed things in my own life like this one!! Thank you Tim!!
There are a lot of Tim Fletcher’s videos that I have saved. But this one. This one is the holy Gail of them all for me. Thanks be to God for Tim Fletcher and his willingness to make and share these!
You are seriously an extraordinary human being. Your articulation of the human condition on such an broad but at the same time very specific spectrum is hands down outstanding and your understanding and compassion of certain roles is pure. At the same time you're still displaying examples of solid boundary setting which I think is essential for overall health and can often be hard to lay down while being a kind person. I really appreciate your work and the teachings you share. Bless your soul pal.
It is with much gratitude and a willing heart that I receive these loving and thoughtful words. Over the last year of watching, I have experienced a gentle and welcome transition in my ability to set boundaries and to be able to understand how to give to others while honoring myself.
I wish I ever got validated for it iwdnwkxj nobody ever cared, I just did it anyways I really don’t know what started me down this road, but everyone I know being suicidal definitely brought me further in. Never be a burden, never have problems, never have low mood, who knows someone could die My philosophy was ‘I’ll take the short stick, nobody else can handle it’ Still working through the fact I was never needed
Not every child looks okay on the outside like they’re doing well despite what they’re going through. I was cut off socially in my family at 5 yo and by that age I had been spit at and degraded so much that I became overly shy and lost my social life in school, I couldn’t even develop friendships because my body was so dysregulated by the time I entered school my voice would shake and I didn’t want to talk because I was embarrassed. I went years without talking and noone talked to me unless it was to bully. By the time I was 2 yo I was already so afraid of my uncle and family it was all I knew. I recently received an autism diagnosis and I’m currently trying to separate what is actually autism, and what was caused by severe abuse from such a young age and living in such a socially unhealthy way for years. I still struggle socially because what happened to me feels like an actual injury. We are all trying to recover from narcissistic abuse and complex trauma , I just wish there was more of an understanding that not all of us look okay on the outside because the truth is that not all kids do
ThankYou yet again! this is amazing helpful.oh…and TY for reminding me to “ stop rationalizing”. And telling myself it’s not really that important.” This one thing…very often,,still cripples my confidence.
It really is a hard habit to get out of, especially if you've been people-pleasing all your life. It can feel uncomfortable to finally look out for yourself instead. Keep taking those small steps.
This is such a fantastic video. I have a really hard time feeling like I am allowed to have needs and boundaries, and part of that comes from my Christian upbringing where service to others and placing ourselves last is considered virtuous (to the point of taking ourselves and our own needs entirely out of the equation). Healing that shame is so crucial and so stinking difficult.
I don't believe I've said thank you yet. You are generous and kind. Your videos help a great deal. Thank you! (And you can reject my comment and I'll be fine, thanks to you.😂)
What’s interesting with the danger signs with the partner is people pleasers do some of it themselves! I have to walk on egg shells with what I say to my people pleasing partner because they give me the silent treatment. They also don’t express their needs allowing me to meet them, giving the illusion I’m the selfish one but I’m just not given an opportunity to meet their needs because I don’t know what they are if they don’t!
This was my ex I never knew what he wanted as he just couldn’t talk & freeze . The communication was literally impossible. No voice . When I stated he needed to talk he fled & dropped off face of the earth . I guess now suppressing his feelings like i never existed .
Tim, we really need an in depth series from you that goes into how to deal with spouses and children who have these issues and/or all of us working through them but some damage is already done.
I hope your able to make some sort of financial return on this video series Tim. This information is hard to find, it's hard to find poeple who understand it and know how to explain it to people who have been through it. I'm a broken man, spiritually, emotionally, financially.. But know this video series is worth LIFE, real LIVES are being saved by your work, you posting this for everybody to find on YT. it's beautiful. I appreciate all the hard work you've invested in all this.
I am so grateful for these videos that you are doing for people. It is having a massive impact on people. Just look at the comments. We are so many and so broken. Complex traumas is why war exists.
I'm at work with headphones 🎧 on walked in break room, a couple people there, one asked Progl what are you listening to now. I took off headphones 🎧 and said a talk about people pleasing. The one guy setting there said yes that's what we do. Another laughed and said yea when you first come to work here it's " we're all family" they said yea , "Your to be seen and not heard". Coffee ☕ made I'm back to work.
I was a scapegoat. At some point in my teens I realized that I was never going to satisfy my parents so I gave up on pleasing them but I couldn’t get rid of the shame so I isolated and became a liar. I told people whatever I thought they wanted to hear so they would leave me alone. I didn’t really care if they believed me so long as they went away.
The entire world we live in is transactional. Therefore the people pleasing dynamic is impossible to avoid. In every single American relationship there is at least one who is the pleaser.
Is it possible for all of these things to be true for one person? Thank you for addressing it. I needed to hear it from a Pastor. Not the continuous "we need you" that just adds to my people pleasing.
Hugely important topic in the complex trauma series and tackled from all angles as usual, which is what Tim Fletcher is best at and we should be forever grateful for it. To add to it, this fawning response is not a new discovery in any way, not everybody may know that it's a rehash of the "compliant solution" (or "appeal to love"), so astutely described by Karen Horney in her stellar work "Neurosis and Human Growth", published in 1950 near the end of her life. Much like what Tim and a very select few others do in our time, K. Horney has shed light on a rather obscure and complex topic back then. After a few slightly imperfect / incomplete attempts in her earlier work, she finally nailed it with this book - am absolutely brilliant, crystal clear and exhaustive theory of neurosis, which largely overlaps with today's understanding of cPTSD.
I think when we talk about putting others first and serving others at the expense of our own needs, I do think that is a correct ideal. It is the thing that Saints are made of. But the difference is in the heart of the person. A saint has developed the virtue of charity, prudence, and temperance and has the humility to balance those things while still making their live fully oriented toward God and neighbor. The people pleaser simply doesn't have that level of virtue or humility and therefore does these things out of a learned necessity from childhood trauma which creates bitterness and resentment, which is very damaging to themselves and those around them. It's a false charity. So that makes it really difficult for those affected by childhood complex trauma to learn how to love freely without fear or anxiety driving it.
Plus, their obligations are met first. If you were obligated to your husband and children, then there needs come before the needs of strangers. God told us to love our neighbors as we love ourself, So that obligates us to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others like the airplane dropping oxygen masks… You were always told to put your mask on first. You can’t give an empty cup. The trouble comes when you take these things out of order…God, spouse, children and then if there’s still room, neighbor.
This is me so much! Incredible how the Lord brought this and many videos of yours right when I needed it today ❤🙌 Lord I give you all the Praise, thank you so much for Tim and how he has helped me in this healing journey you have lead me to! ❤❤Bless him and His Family. 🙏 may his videos reach many more people so they too may receive the truths that he shares and reach new levels of healing and understanding. In Jesus name 🙌
People get healthy talented children and mess them up so they have to recover for rest of life Faster they ask for help better are chances for good life
DIRECT HIT! damn, I knew I was avoiding these vids for a reason - oof that was…painful but in the best way possible. Oof - yeah I think I’m going to be rewatching this a few times
There were so many similarities in this episode, i felt them deeply. I admit this is part of my struggle. Now, where do i find the tools to address these issues, and add them to my tool belt? Beginning with Romans 12:2 learning to recognize them in myself is key to progress and practical application. Oohwheee giants for breakfast.
Yes my son doesn't respect me. Because no one else does. They think I'm available as a servant, or some sort of butler. I was in shock and awe that my ex could ignore our newborn for so long, to enjoy a cigarette before dealing with anything. I do not know how to "make" anyone be respectful, when we cannot control others, only ourselves. I don't like giving ultimatums. But at some point, the other has to believe the words I express about my needs and wants, or else it is like trying to relate with a wall.
I was the butler for the younger siblings. If I had a need that was inconvenient, I was meant to set it aside for the good of the family. My dad did this. He believed he was being honorable, setting aside his own relational needs, to keep the family together and kids with two parents. But, he ended up passing away very early, due to the stress. I still needed him. I couldn't ever go to my mother. I still need him.
Yes. As long as everyone gets along with mother, we could "relax." I spent a lot of time at my grandparents place, as soon as my parents came home, I would leave, so I couldn't get into trouble over whatever my siblings were up to.
When I say no, I am told I have some pervasive negative character trait. If I tell anyone, I will be abandoned by my family. One of them implied that they would work to remove my son from my care.
I am pretty sure most women born before 90, and a solid percentage afterwards, were raised to be friendly, calm, smiling, at all times. Walking on the street to work? A stranger will feel totally entitled to approach and to tell you that your face is displeasing to them, and will tell you to smile. That your face looks so much prettier, when you smile. That whole objectifying thing, does not help.
My childhood was like the life of Chief Inspector Dreyfus. Imagine the entire world filled with Clouseau's but in place of incompetence it was belligerent Narcissism.
What do you do when someone in your family did most of these things for most of their life? Now, they rebel against all of the "life traps." They can honestly say that they do not struggle with those things, but they still do not have healthy relationships.
Politely show/share them this video (don't accuse them in "being like that", say only that you found an interesting video and you think that maybe they will find it interesting too) and pray they will figure out the rest. Give them a lot of time too. We can't do the work for others, but we sure can share the information (as gently and not intimidating as possible).
What about the cases that I please the others and put their "vital" need before my "vital" need But in return they are insulting, abuse and violent to me I know that if I don't solve their problem the outcome can be truly catastrophic and irreversible
Great talk, but I was hoping for clarification when Tim said get out of relationships that are one sided or you feel trapped, including marriage. Did I hear this part wrong?
Yes, you heard him correctly. I am a recovering "people pleaser", who only recently realized that I have complex PTSD. Once I stopped capitulating to my emotionally abusive husband he wasn't very happy and got more abusive and even physically abusive. I just got divorced from him on September 11th, a little more than a month before what would have been our 32nd anniversary. The sad thing is, he is a Christian, but doesn't act very Christlike. I think other people might not understand how I could divorce him, but after childhood emotional neglect and abuse and a series of bad dating experiences and then dating and marrying an abusive man, it came down to self preservation. I had hoped and prayed for years that he would change, he would go to marriage counseling with me, but he never wanted to change. I realized he was like someone riding a horse with a carrot on a stick in front of the horse's mouth, but never letting it eat the carrot. I got tired of being the horse. Nothing like starting over at 59. I'm worth it!
Christians are the worst people to be around majority of them are just wearing a mask of perfection in public but at home they're tyrants im so sorry you have gone through such traumatic events marriage should be your safest place not another battle to fight hope you find healing @laurar8486
Mr. Tim. do you think this people pleasing behavior and personality and sacrifice hinders your ability to keep memories. My theory is, since you lose yourself to appease others, then you can as easily lose your memories or worse, create no memories. is that plausible? and if so, can you do anything about this to make your way back to health?
I think I know what you mean by this. As a people pleaser you might look to others to tell you their perception, instead of making your own, and it might be hard to create memories without being in touch with your own perception or opinion of whats going on around you..
@Fridagotestam98 i just have very few memories of groing up. So I'm wondering if i lost my attunement to myself from very young that i remember hardly anything.
One of the 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma is Memory Gaps/Issues. Many people-pleasers find that because they are subject to the needs and choices of others, they don't make memories for themselves by doing the things they want to do. They may not even know what they like to do, and so the day-to-day may not be memorable at all. You might be interested in these two videos: ruclips.net/video/heV4slySO7g/видео.html ruclips.net/user/livei5f-TwWn9b0
I wish I would have researched this years ago magoodness this is good stuff, hard on the soul but I always say I like nurturing things to the point abusive people try to say I am acting like a female and I am fuxking people pleasing trying to get people to like me. It’s disgusting the more I am thinking about it. I just want people to like me I guess some of that is good but an excess is bad.
Evangelicals should not be allowed to have children without some sort of supervision. I have never seen an Evangelical family that didn't have these kinds of dynamics, my own included.
You need to cite your sources! This material, and all the material in this series, is based on Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young, Ph.D., and Janet S. Klosko, Ph.D.
People pleasing is very celebrated in society. You will often hear terms like ‘he / she will give u the shirt off their back, they are such a good person’ . Have always hated this term, as it was clear to me that a person described this way is a people pleaser. Weak abusive men usually LOVE women like this My thought has always been - if you give the shirt from yr own back, then you freeze to death. Can’t you aid others with out detriment to yrself?
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
Childhood set many people up for failure majority of the unhealthy behavior in adulthood was either modeled or taught. How sad😢
There are still ideas such as "toughing up" children or "owning offsprings" and some might get the idea of spoiling children or overprotecting them in order to not traumatize them...either way, most people who have children should first question why do they want children.
There's also the idea that "having children is social demmad". It's also a political issue. Societies need new generations but, what for? Manteining a cheap work force? Soldiers?
Children have been considered a blessing in cultures and religions, from an antropology perspective for owning arms to work, especially boys who would be men and for caring the parents in their old years (women) and in my opinion that's the origen of patriarchy.
We don't need to go back to the Roman Empire, in England fathers were entittled to sell their children and it changed with the sufragists getting power.
Painful truth 💔
Empaths often attract needy people and have to learn how to put up boundaries. Also, people pleasers can also be individuals who attract narcissist partners who they kowtow to: it is not my observation that they always neglect their own families, sometimes they spoil their children. Those individuals need to work on teaching more autonomy to their kids.
But people need to go get help when the past effecting their presant day lives. It helps leave the past behind and look foward to a brighter tomorrow 👌🏼👏🏼
Either They did know any different or they took the easy route that so many do and just live life. I’m here to break the cycle. I love my past. Without it I likely would not be here. Much love luck and laughter you all
God, I think I need a hug from this guy. Finally someone who understands.
No wonder I was such a serious people pleaser. My parents did all the things on the list to me 😢. It is so hard to overcome the guilt of not putting others before me
This man is magnificent. He is straight flowing freestyling for 45min
He is blessed with the Holy Spirit to talk to me this way
He certainly is! He also does an incredible series on Spiritual Bypassing. ❤
I didn't realize I was a people pleaser until a few months ago... when around others, I get extremely burnt out, depressed and then isolate myself for days after the interaction. I have realized that I people please because I think if I keep people happy, then they are less likely to harm me in some way. I am still working on setting healthy boundaries and working on taking care of myself and my needs. I have also learned to say NO without going into a huge explanation haha I still struggle with this sometimes.
So I’m trying to avoid negative emotions? I’m trying to avoid the feelings of guilt and shame of not being good enough. Because I can’t fill myself with positive emotions about myself I people please and fawn to feel some sort of positive emotions about myself, from others from outside of me.
😮 I’ve been trying for 50 years to understand myself and your explanation Tim has given me the breakthrough or at least a bit more of an understanding of myself, thank you so much for this video and the information you’re sharing 🙏🏼
Edit
Also I feel I do nice things for others and try to include others because I know how it feels to be left out and alone.
Exactly. My people pleasing spouse can’t handle any negative emotion. Emotionally immature.
I was simultaneously the Hero and the Scapegoat.
You hit on almost ever point that I’m dealing with. I’ve watched so many videos before about this subject but none revealed things in my own life like this one!! Thank you Tim!!
I’ve been people pleasing for decades unknowingly…..working hard to change this destructive programming….ty
Such a huge issue. Thank you for talking about it in depth.
There are a lot of Tim Fletcher’s videos that I have saved. But this one. This one is the holy Gail of them all for me. Thanks be to God for Tim Fletcher and his willingness to make and share these!
You are seriously an extraordinary human being. Your articulation of the human condition on such an broad but at the same time very specific spectrum is hands down outstanding and your understanding and compassion of certain roles is pure.
At the same time you're still displaying examples of solid boundary setting which I think is essential for overall health and can often be hard to lay down while being a kind person.
I really appreciate your work and the teachings you share. Bless your soul pal.
It is with much gratitude and a willing heart that I receive these loving and thoughtful words. Over the last year of watching, I have experienced a gentle and welcome transition in my ability to set boundaries and to be able to understand how to give to others while honoring myself.
Ty Tim 🙏 for all that you do to help people like myself. I listen to your messages almost daily.
This is a most accurate lesson, pointing out to a very toxic lifestyle when we haven't realised yet what went wrong. Thankyou.
I let my Vets know about your channel here, you are an amazing, helpful resource 🙌
I realise you mean veterans but firstly I was like.. vets, this helps pets?! 😂
Yay!! 🎉
I wish I ever got validated for it iwdnwkxj nobody ever cared, I just did it anyways
I really don’t know what started me down this road, but everyone I know being suicidal definitely brought me further in. Never be a burden, never have problems, never have low mood, who knows someone could die
My philosophy was ‘I’ll take the short stick, nobody else can handle it’
Still working through the fact I was never needed
All me from childhood and life trauma
Working on healing
Thank you Tim
yet one more area i need to recover from. Oh. Joy
What a blessing Tim Fletcher is to humanity. Thank you for making me feel a worthy human again and giving me hope that change is possible ❤
Mister Tim, thank you on education. Every video on your channel is gold. God bless you
Not every child looks okay on the outside like they’re doing well despite what they’re going through. I was cut off socially in my family at 5 yo and by that age I had been spit at and degraded so much that I became overly shy and lost my social life in school, I couldn’t even develop friendships because my body was so dysregulated by the time I entered school my voice would shake and I didn’t want to talk because I was embarrassed. I went years without talking and noone talked to me unless it was to bully. By the time I was 2 yo I was already so afraid of my uncle and family it was all I knew. I recently received an autism diagnosis and I’m currently trying to separate what is actually autism, and what was caused by severe abuse from such a young age and living in such a socially unhealthy way for years. I still struggle socially because what happened to me feels like an actual injury. We are all trying to recover from narcissistic abuse and complex trauma , I just wish there was more of an understanding that not all of us look okay on the outside because the truth is that not all kids do
Ask God to help you
Thank you, Tim. This is me - 98%.
many of us here... yeah...
ThankYou yet again! this is amazing helpful.oh…and TY for reminding me to “ stop rationalizing”. And telling myself it’s not really that important.” This one thing…very often,,still cripples my confidence.
It really is a hard habit to get out of, especially if you've been people-pleasing all your life. It can feel uncomfortable to finally look out for yourself instead. Keep taking those small steps.
This is such a fantastic video. I have a really hard time feeling like I am allowed to have needs and boundaries, and part of that comes from my Christian upbringing where service to others and placing ourselves last is considered virtuous (to the point of taking ourselves and our own needs entirely out of the equation). Healing that shame is so crucial and so stinking difficult.
I don't believe I've said thank you yet. You are generous and kind. Your videos help a great deal.
Thank you!
(And you can reject my comment and I'll be fine, thanks to you.😂)
Tim Fletcher is my spirit parent I never had.
What’s interesting with the danger signs with the partner is people pleasers do some of it themselves! I have to walk on egg shells with what I say to my people pleasing partner because they give me the silent treatment. They also don’t express their needs allowing me to meet them, giving the illusion I’m the selfish one but I’m just not given an opportunity to meet their needs because I don’t know what they are if they don’t!
This was my ex I never knew what he wanted as he just couldn’t talk & freeze . The communication was literally impossible. No voice . When I stated he needed to talk he fled & dropped off face of the earth . I guess now suppressing his feelings like i never existed .
Tim, we really need an in depth series from you that goes into how to deal with spouses and children who have these issues and/or all of us working through them but some damage is already done.
I agree - I have what I think is a fairly mild case. My mom has a bad one, and I'm trying to figure out how to help her.
I hope your able to make some sort of financial return on this video series Tim. This information is hard to find, it's hard to find poeple who understand it and know how to explain it to people who have been through it. I'm a broken man, spiritually, emotionally, financially.. But know this video series is worth LIFE, real LIVES are being saved by your work, you posting this for everybody to find on YT. it's beautiful. I appreciate all the hard work you've invested in all this.
Thank you, Tim. You are talking about me. Nobody knows me as well as you do. Catholic mom taught and me demanded of me sacrifices
I am so grateful for these videos that you are doing for people. It is having a massive impact on people. Just look at the comments. We are so many and so broken. Complex traumas is why war exists.
What a eye-opening teaching, Thank you so much ❤
Appreciation🦋
Erosion of family, being done on purpose, thankyou sir! Extremely helpful
I'm at work with headphones 🎧 on walked in break room, a couple people there, one asked Progl what are you listening to now. I took off headphones 🎧 and said a talk about people pleasing. The one guy setting there said yes that's what we do. Another laughed and said yea when you first come to work here it's " we're all family" they said yea , "Your to be seen and not heard". Coffee ☕ made I'm back to work.
I almost cried listening to this, i feel so trapped in myself
Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication to education in recovery. I really appreciate you.
That was 100 % me. Thank you for explaining. How komplex the human mind is ...
Thank Tim I can look back and see how I was this child . Your guidance on recovery is much appreciated ❤
Yes collateral damage to ourselves. Burnt out .. what to do? What a life trap
I was a scapegoat. At some point in my teens I realized that I was never going to satisfy my parents so I gave up on pleasing them but I couldn’t get rid of the shame so I isolated and became a liar. I told people whatever I thought they wanted to hear so they would leave me alone. I didn’t really care if they believed me so long as they went away.
Thank you so much, I’m so grateful for you, you helping me tremendously
The entire world we live in is transactional. Therefore the people pleasing dynamic is impossible to avoid. In every single American relationship there is at least one who is the pleaser.
I used to call myself a chameleon and that I had this great ability to conform to any other person or group of people. It was not healthy
Oh my! I have been working on this with my therapist for over a year. This explanation made it so clear now!
Is it possible for all of these things to be true for one person? Thank you for addressing it. I needed to hear it from a Pastor. Not the continuous "we need you" that just adds to my people pleasing.
Love your videos. Thank you.
Just Excellent!😃
Thank you Tim ❤🙏🏾 this is life-changing work you’re gifting us with
Hugely important topic in the complex trauma series and tackled from all angles as usual, which is what Tim Fletcher is best at and we should be forever grateful for it.
To add to it, this fawning response is not a new discovery in any way, not everybody may know that it's a rehash of the "compliant solution" (or "appeal to love"), so astutely described by Karen Horney in her stellar work "Neurosis and Human Growth", published in 1950 near the end of her life. Much like what Tim and a very select few others do in our time, K. Horney has shed light on a rather obscure and complex topic back then. After a few slightly imperfect / incomplete attempts in her earlier work, she finally nailed it with this book - am absolutely brilliant, crystal clear and exhaustive theory of neurosis, which largely overlaps with today's understanding of cPTSD.
I'm so lost about this... my empathy .. weponized against me.. been abused multiple times. So confusing.
God bless you. for your talking. Many thanks.
Thank you❤
I think when we talk about putting others first and serving others at the expense of our own needs, I do think that is a correct ideal. It is the thing that Saints are made of. But the difference is in the heart of the person. A saint has developed the virtue of charity, prudence, and temperance and has the humility to balance those things while still making their live fully oriented toward God and neighbor. The people pleaser simply doesn't have that level of virtue or humility and therefore does these things out of a learned necessity from childhood trauma which creates bitterness and resentment, which is very damaging to themselves and those around them. It's a false charity. So that makes it really difficult for those affected by childhood complex trauma to learn how to love freely without fear or anxiety driving it.
Plus, their obligations are met first. If you were obligated to your husband and children, then there needs come before the needs of strangers. God told us to love our neighbors as we love ourself, So that obligates us to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others like the airplane dropping oxygen masks… You were always told to put your mask on first. You can’t give an empty cup. The trouble comes when you take these things out of order…God, spouse, children and then if there’s still room, neighbor.
Very true!
This is me so much! Incredible how the Lord brought this and many videos of yours right when I needed it today ❤🙌 Lord I give you all the Praise, thank you so much for Tim and how he has helped me in this healing journey you have lead me to! ❤❤Bless him and His Family. 🙏 may his videos reach many more people so they too may receive the truths that he shares and reach new levels of healing and understanding. In Jesus name 🙌
Looking forward to this one. I want this guy on my podcast so bad
Thank You Tim for another excellent video 👍💕
So good!
People get healthy talented children and mess them up so they have to recover for rest of life
Faster they ask for help better are chances for good life
DIRECT HIT! damn, I knew I was avoiding these vids for a reason - oof that was…painful but in the best way possible. Oof - yeah I think I’m going to be rewatching this a few times
There were so many similarities in this episode, i felt them deeply. I admit this is part of my struggle. Now, where do i find the tools to address these issues, and add them to my tool belt? Beginning with Romans 12:2 learning to recognize them in myself is key to progress and practical application. Oohwheee giants for breakfast.
Yes my son doesn't respect me. Because no one else does. They think I'm available as a servant, or some sort of butler. I was in shock and awe that my ex could ignore our newborn for so long, to enjoy a cigarette before dealing with anything.
I do not know how to "make" anyone be respectful, when we cannot control others, only ourselves. I don't like giving ultimatums. But at some point, the other has to believe the words I express about my needs and wants, or else it is like trying to relate with a wall.
I was the butler for the younger siblings. If I had a need that was inconvenient, I was meant to set it aside for the good of the family. My dad did this. He believed he was being honorable, setting aside his own relational needs, to keep the family together and kids with two parents. But, he ended up passing away very early, due to the stress. I still needed him. I couldn't ever go to my mother. I still need him.
Yes. As long as everyone gets along with mother, we could "relax." I spent a lot of time at my grandparents place, as soon as my parents came home, I would leave, so I couldn't get into trouble over whatever my siblings were up to.
When I say no, I am told I have some pervasive negative character trait. If I tell anyone, I will be abandoned by my family. One of them implied that they would work to remove my son from my care.
I am pretty sure most women born before 90, and a solid percentage afterwards, were raised to be friendly, calm, smiling, at all times. Walking on the street to work? A stranger will feel totally entitled to approach and to tell you that your face is displeasing to them, and will tell you to smile. That your face looks so much prettier, when you smile.
That whole objectifying thing, does not help.
Thanks. Appreciate the video
I was Fawn/Freeze. I believe I’m still “thawing”.
This video describes my life
please slow down between questions. Thank you!
Dear Tim, is there such a person as "God pleaser"?
Very powerful study Ty
My childhood was like the life of Chief Inspector Dreyfus. Imagine the entire world filled with Clouseau's but in place of incompetence it was belligerent Narcissism.
It's hard to find safe people
Thank you.
Every time a video pertains to me ends up being about survival which describes my childhood
What do you do when someone in your family did most of these things for most of their life? Now, they rebel against all of the "life traps." They can honestly say that they do not struggle with those things, but they still do not have healthy relationships.
Politely show/share them this video (don't accuse them in "being like that", say only that you found an interesting video and you think that maybe they will find it interesting too) and pray they will figure out the rest. Give them a lot of time too. We can't do the work for others, but we sure can share the information (as gently and not intimidating as possible).
"End of conversation!!! Go to your room!"
Since I couldn't talk, I wrote and wrote. Now, occasionally I write professionally. Thanks?
“Go to your room until you change your mind!” That was the response from my mom when I didn’t think just like her.
Really true 😊
I think I'm a people pleaser I'm on letter e and my mom is very controlling she wants I experienced what she experienced when she's growing up.
What about the cases that I please the others and put their "vital" need before my "vital" need
But in return they are insulting, abuse and violent to me
I know that if I don't solve their problem the outcome can be truly catastrophic and irreversible
Totally me.
Yes, and, when is that book coming out, @timfletcher ? 😁
I appreciate your channel so much but I can only take small bites at a time 😮💨😊🙏🏻
Themselves, not themself.
depend where you is, for me is themself here in Equiatonia.
@@sirako them is plural, self is singular. The same person can't also be many.
@@jehouse61 maybe you should check Walt Whitman
@@sirako Um, no.
@@sirako 😂
I people-please due to fear of being dehumanized.
Great talk, but I was hoping for clarification when Tim said get out of relationships that are one sided or you feel trapped, including marriage. Did I hear this part wrong?
Yes, you heard him correctly. I am a recovering "people pleaser", who only recently realized that I have complex PTSD. Once I stopped capitulating to my emotionally abusive husband he wasn't very happy and got more abusive and even physically abusive. I just got divorced from him on September 11th, a little more than a month before what would have been our 32nd anniversary. The sad thing is, he is a Christian, but doesn't act very Christlike. I think other people might not understand how I could divorce him, but after childhood emotional neglect and abuse and a series of bad dating experiences and then dating and marrying an abusive man, it came down to self preservation. I had hoped and prayed for years that he would change, he would go to marriage counseling with me, but he never wanted to change. I realized he was like someone riding a horse with a carrot on a stick in front of the horse's mouth, but never letting it eat the carrot. I got tired of being the horse. Nothing like starting over at 59. I'm worth it!
❤❤❤@@laurar8486
Christians are the worst people to be around majority of them are just wearing a mask of perfection in public but at home they're tyrants im so sorry you have gone through such traumatic events marriage should be your safest place not another battle to fight hope you find healing @laurar8486
I admire you for prioritizing yourself, and for bravely changing your situation!
@@laurar8486yes you are ❤ well done 🎉
oh GOD
things happen naturally in love
itna sochna nahi hota
Mr. Tim. do you think this people pleasing behavior and personality and sacrifice hinders your ability to keep memories. My theory is, since you lose yourself to appease others, then you can as easily lose your memories or worse, create no memories. is that plausible? and if so, can you do anything about this to make your way back to health?
I think I know what you mean by this. As a people pleaser you might look to others to tell you their perception, instead of making your own, and it might be hard to create memories without being in touch with your own perception or opinion of whats going on around you..
@Fridagotestam98 i just have very few memories of groing up. So I'm wondering if i lost my attunement to myself from very young that i remember hardly anything.
One of the 60 Characteristics of Complex Trauma is Memory Gaps/Issues. Many people-pleasers find that because they are subject to the needs and choices of others, they don't make memories for themselves by doing the things they want to do. They may not even know what they like to do, and so the day-to-day may not be memorable at all. You might be interested in these two videos:
ruclips.net/video/heV4slySO7g/видео.html
ruclips.net/user/livei5f-TwWn9b0
Ugh… 5
50 year old n still dealing with a narcissistic father who has his favorites n a mother with dementia who should have left him years ago
oh he on my head 😅
Mine too 😅
The HAPPY TRAP 🪤
Anyonr have timestamps for this video?
Chapters have just been added!
I wish I would have researched this years ago magoodness this is good stuff, hard on the soul but I always say I like nurturing things to the point abusive people try to say I am acting like a female and I am fuxking people pleasing trying to get people to like me. It’s disgusting the more I am thinking about it. I just want people to like me I guess some of that is good but an excess is bad.
Evangelicals should not be allowed to have children without some sort of supervision. I have never seen an Evangelical family that didn't have these kinds of dynamics, my own included.
You need to cite your sources! This material, and all the material in this series, is based on Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young, Ph.D., and Janet S. Klosko, Ph.D.
People pleasing is very celebrated in society. You will often hear terms like ‘he / she will give u the shirt off their back, they are such a good person’ .
Have always hated this term, as it was clear to me that a person described this way is a people pleaser. Weak abusive men usually LOVE women like this
My thought has always been - if you give the shirt from yr own back, then you freeze to death. Can’t you aid others with out detriment to yrself?
Thank you so much 💔❤️🩹♥️ Tim is a safe as well as sane voice in the storm for those of us surviving CPTSD
Thank you
Thank you ❤
Thanks!