yesterday: I look over to see a water bottle on its side soaking my electronics because I was too stupid/lazy to use the cap and/or close the drawer. My first thought: God Damnit, my time machine designs are still pretty far from done. I got to laugh while cleaning my mess. When people bitch about the past ill interrupt them. Very serious tone: "I don't know anyone in the field working on a time machine at the moment so..."
@ Video Editer or comment reader Can you add time stamps? Makes it airspeed for studying the video after the first watch, keep up the great work as well
@ 1hr 29 mins in, I had a random thought from the study she was talking about. Do you think that if a pregnant woman was in an abusive relationship and had a lot of stress and was pregnant with a girl, that’s why some girls come out feeling like they should have been a boy? I have a friend with this situation and not makes me wonder if this is what happened to make her daughter feel like this, she’s an adult now and still feels truly like a boy (I love them both deeply and love her and any and everyone else no judgment but just wondering this now after hearing this section of the interview)
This woman is such a good communicator, using empathy and listening as her superpowers. I read captivate back in the day and I loved the fact that she used to be socially awkward and just LEARNED this shit. Empowering af
I got the audio book Cues and Vanessa should have narrated it just the way she is speaking in her interviews with Tom. In the audiobook, her tone sounds unnatural, controlled, and less convincing.
Everybody is likable. Perhaps not by you or me, but there will be someone who likes them. I have been literally hated by a few people for being friendly!! I'll never change my friendliness, because that's who I am and I know that there is a lot of people who I will get along with, just for being me.
@John Fogarty 🤣🤣 being extra friendly, love that. Agree, I'll never stop being friendly and c those that dont like it, I wouldnt want them as friends anyway.
sometimes the people who hate you for having a default friendly curious demeanour are powerful socially. You arrive and connect with people in the workplace, just randomly, not in any kind of status grab, but they think whoah, hate this b1tch, better use my power to exclude her.
It’s the exact same way for me. I’m “too nice” or I’m a doormat…it’s so bothersome but I can’t change who I am. I can try, but ultimately if I am who I am then there’s nothing I can do about it! We are all made differently. I’m not saying we can’t better ourselves but who’s to say I don’t like who I am this way?!
This biggest misconception is that people who are like this are validation seeking, manipulative in some way, or that they have low self esteem. I don't agree with this. I think you go into interactions with positive vibes so you can lighten up each others day. Its not that you need it. Its that relationships are more fruitful for both parties and creates harmony and good lines of communication
00:29 🧠 Recognizing cues of social rejection is crucial. These cues include eye rolls, scoffs, and certain tones of voice. 01:09 👁️ When we detect a cue of social rejection, our field of vision widens, and our pupils change in less than a second. 01:36 👶 Teaching children about recognizing cues of social rejection empowers them to decide how to respond. 02:43 🗣️ Lower lid flexing signifies deep listening mode. It's a universal response to focus and scrutinize details. 03:10 🤝 Nodding balances warmth and competence cues, demonstrating deep listening and intensity. 03:39 🌟 Highly charismatic people naturally balance warmth and competence cues, building trust. 04:23 🔍 Lower lid flexing may indicate scrutiny or reevaluation. Address it appropriately in conversations. 04:51 💬 Softly inquire if everything is understood, without being confrontational or aggressive. 05:34 🔄 Changing the mode of communication can reveal more information if red flags are detected. Adapt based on the situation. 06:55 🖐️ Use a physical touch to check in with someone, a gentle way to show concern and support. 08:31 🎙️ Address vocal cues, like vocal fry, that indicate tension or discomfort. Encourage clearer communication for better understanding. 09:55 🧠 Trust your gut instincts when you sense something is off. It's a powerful tool in reading non-verbal cues. 11:19 🔑 Equipping people with the knowledge of non-verbal cues empowers them to navigate social situations more effectively. 12:39 💪 Giving people tools to read and respond to cues helps them overcome challenges like being overlooked or underestimated. 13:50 🔄 Taking control of a conversation and signaling your intent to interject is crucial for effective communication. 14:47 🗣️ Being aware of vocal cues like vocal fry can help identify anxiety or discomfort in others, leading to better support and understanding. 19:01 🤐 Going mute is a cue in itself, indicating a danger zone in a conversation. 19:30 👀 When observing poker players, focusing solely on their hands provides the most accurate read on their confidence and hand strength. 20:27 🤲 Smooth, fluid hand movements often indicate a player with a strong, confident hand in poker. 21:53 🏆 A poker player won a major tournament by prioritizing the observation of opponents' hand movements, rather than focusing on facial expressions or body language. 23:42 🧠 Trust your gut instincts; they provide valuable cues about your surroundings and interactions. 24:33 💬 Engaging withbetter, more meaningful questions can lead to deeper connections with others. 25:26 💪 Overcoming underestimation, both by others and by oneself, can be a powerful motivator for personal growth and success. 27:21 💡 Asking about someone's hero or role model can offer insights into their values, motivations, and self-narrative. 30:39 🌟 Discovering someone's role model or hero can provide valuable insights into their self-narrative and inner drives. 35:58 🕵️♀️ Vanessa's pursuit of understanding human behavior stems from a desire to decode social interactions and make them more understandable and manageable. 38:45 🧅 Understand people like peeling layers of an onion. Start with Big Five personality traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism (OCEAN). 39:29 🧳 Personality traits can often be observed in personal spaces like car trunks, medicine cabinets, and walls. 40:54 📋 Conscientiousness ranges from highly organized (lists are like a sport) to spontaneous and easygoing. Organization in personal spaces reflects this trait. 43:10 🌊 Neuroticism is about how one handles worry. High neurotics tend to make pros and cons lists, while low neurotics believe "it'll all be fine." 44:06 📜 High neurotics find comfort in motivational quotes, which act as external regulators for their internal world. 45:32 🧬 High neurotics have a harder time producing serotonin, making self-soothing a challenge. Low neurotics naturally produce serotonin, allowing for easy self-soothing. 48:32 🧩 Understand your own wiring before trying to understand and work with others. Optimizing rather than changing can be more effective. 52:04 💔 Ambivalent relationships, where it's unclear where you stand with someone, can be draining. It's crucial to evaluate the quality and nutrition of friendships. 55:12 💬 Charisma is a blend of likability (warmth, trustworthiness) and power (competence, capability). Balancing these elements is essential for making a compelling impression. 58:06 🤝 Trust Signals - Establishing trust involves non-verbal cues like body language, tone, and gestures, even in virtual interactions. - Key questions in trust assessment: Can I trust you? Are you on my side? Are you a threat? Will I be safe, emotionally and physically? 58:21 ✉️ Effective Email Communication - In email communication, ensure warmth in the subject and opener, competence in the body, and choose a sign-off that suits the context. - Word choice matters - use words like "collaborate" to encourage collaboration, and "power" to inspire a sense of empowerment. 59:04 💡 Impact of Achievement-Oriented Language - A study showed that adding achievement-oriented words (e.g., win, succeed) in instructions improved participants' performance anddoubled their motivation to engage with the task. 01:00:28 📧 Harnessing the Power of Words - The words we use in emails, messages, or profiles can significantly influence how we're perceived. Choose words that align with your desired outcome. 01:01:10 🚀 Communicating Purpose in Email - To make a lasting impression, open with warmth, demonstrate competence, and end with a clear sense of purpose or call to action. 01:03:14 🔄 Balancing Task-Oriented Focus with Relationship Building - It's crucial to balance task-oriented communication with building relationships, especially in leadership roles. People remember how you make them feel. 01:04:26 💬 Maximizing In-Person Interactions - In-person interactions provide a flood of positive chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine) that are lacking in digital communication. Being present and connecting on a personal level is essential. 01:06:45 🤜 Techniques for Interruption Management - Use non-verbal cues like the "open mouth" gesture, hand raises, or subtle touch for interruption management in conversations. 01:09:59 👥 The Power of Self-Touch - Self-soothing techniques, like self-touch, can help in managing anxiety or stress in social situations. It's a tool to create emotional distance and regain focus. 01:12:25 🤗 Harnessing the Power of Touch - Touching, when done appropriately, can release oxytocin, creating a sense of connection and trust. Start with less intimate touches (e.g., hands) and gauge the comfort level. 01:17 🤚 Self-touching between collarbones or sternal notch is a soothing behavior for calmness and reset. 01:43 🤔 Self-touching, like touching the face or stomach, can be perceived as signs of nervousness or deception by others. 04:46 ❓ One key question to identify Frenemies: Are you ever in doubt about their genuine happiness for your successes? 07:01 👀 Facial features, like jaw shape and eyebrow structure, can give off signals of dominance and power. 09:12 🧐 Radical honesty involves being upfront about your preferences and limitations rather than making up excuses. 01:36:00 🧠 Understanding team dynamics: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of knowing your team's personality matrix, preferred feedback style, and brainstorming approach to enhance task management and productivity in the workplace. 01:37:24 💰 Recognizing primary values: Vanessa shares her experience of discovering that an employee's primary value was status, not monetary rewards, highlighting the significance of understanding what motivates individuals in the workplace. 01:38:46 📊 Resource Theory for motivation: Vanessa introduces Resource Theory, which identifies six different resources exchanged in relationships, emphasizing that money is just one aspect. Understanding these resources can lead to more effective motivation strategies. 01:41:50 🗝️ Self-awareness through questions: Vanessa suggests using Arthur Aron's 34 questions to deepen understanding between individuals, helping them explore interests, values, and relationships, ultimately enhancing self-awareness and connection. 01:45:04 🤔 Self-soothing techniques: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of recognizing how one copes with anxiety, whether through verbalizing worries or seeking solitude. Additionally, knowing how others can assist in the self-soothing process is crucial for healthy relationships. 01:49:18 😊 Chart of Happiness: Vanessa introduces the concept of the Chart of Happiness, which involves ranking activities based on the contentment they bring. By identifying and incorporating more small moments of happiness,individuals can positively impact their overall well-being. 01:51:11 🔄 Unlearning helplessness: Vanessa shares insights from her research on happiness, emphasizing the potential to unlearn patterns of helplessness that may be limiting one's overall happiness. This involves identifying and challenging learned behaviors and attitudes.
That's a great idea! Starting a conversation with what your pronouns are can really speed things up when it comes to meeting new people. As soon as someone walks up and starts listing their pronouns, I can immediately walk away and save us both some time.
I call it when I see it. People usually want to express their reasons for disagreement, so I try to help them feel comfortable with expressing what they're really thinking. If you let it slide then that's allowing tension to build within them. Help them and yourself by calling it in a way that makes them feel safe to express themselves
The physical touch is a gesture of support, conveying that you're there for them even if they're not okay or disagree, it's quite natural with someone close to you.
I’m NOT physical touch. It’s my last ❤️language. So if your not my parents or my children you better keep your hands to yourself. Even with my spouse I’m very limited with physical touch. Glad that most of my close friends aren’t physical touch either.
What about if someone is not close to you? My coworker offered me a ride home and he held my upper arms while asking about it. I am not put off by physical touch therefore I was okay with it.
Outside of maybe hugging family member I would never touch somebody else during conversation or anytime I can think of.... like ever. Maybe if they were really upset and looking down or crying and I wanted them to know I was there. I can't even imagine doing that lmao.
I couldn't agree more with the provided comments I am a man who was solely raised by the code(s) provided for me & passed along by the Spartans as well as the Samurai..as well, the Vikings & the Native Americans along with a huge amount of knowledge provided by Sun Tzu. Indeed, everyone may have their purpose when it relates to their immediate path of mortal existence but by all means I think that it was never provided in my itinerary to ever suspect that I may have to relocate in any form of formal communication that I may have to express "they" when I am speaking about a single individual..enough expressed .I just follow my code with my knowledge and my sword.
Incredibly informative from an Autistic point of view. I wish they taught this stuff in school. Life would have been so much easier if I had learned what to look for with people's faces and body language. People always baffle me, it's like there are invisible subtitles that everyone else can see but I can't. Thank you so much @TomBilyeu for interviewing this lovely lady. I've ordered her book and hope to gain more insight.
What a freaking brilliant interview! As someone who has similar insecurities with people, a like for honest people and interest in personality construct... this gives some really useful answers! Charisma is warmth and power. Wow!
11:53 exactly. People don't always know how to identify certain cues, but psychopaths are masters of the whole game. Honestly, I don't think they would even need any further education, so I completely agree that it is important to educate, inform and equip people with this awareness.
I might be totally wrong but my guess would be that she's not afraid of missing cues, the true fear stems from the unexpected, being surprised is unnerving, so maybe she's naturally more prone to anxiety, she developed this love and passion for understanding cues due to it being able to alleviate or avoid anxious situations of the unexpected.
Vanessa is one of the most interesting and useful interviews I have seen, and such an lively and attractive person. I could watcher her all day and not be distracted or bored. Think this was the first time I have seen Tom allow a guest to speak without disrupting the thread before it is expressed by a guest, so her information was actually allowed to be presented and made it the very best talk I have heard this year.
My neighbour gave me a pat on the head at the end of the night when he was leaving to go home and it instantly offended me because on a primal level I knew what that meant, in my mind it was disrespectful to do that because I had invited him into my space to meet a new friend of mine. I knew immediately that he was trying to show my friend that he's above me despite being an alcoholic that has no control of his emotional state and he has no job due to this. Which I realised was a toxic trait that I had to avoid. He's an interesting case because he lives in a fantasy, a fabricated fantasy that helps him feel better about himself. I know he lies to himself because he once said, "I'm an alpha like you, so i wouldnt get along with your other mate if he's the bold joking type." It was strange because I don't consider myself an alpha, his statement seemed fake, he complimented me to safely elevate his own status against any accusation of being egotistical, also I think he was afraid of being picked on by my bold friend even in a joking manner due to his own insecurity. My friend would hold a mirror to his face which is uncomfortable for an insecure person that's living a lie to compensate for feeling small. I don't associate with my neighbour anymore, I did it because I saw potential in him and wanted to help him climb out of the hole he has put himself in. But I don't think he wants to, he seems to enjoy misery and so I've accepted that. I won't be apart of someone's lie.
Oh, my gosh! I'm absolutely thrilled to hear that you're loving "Cues"! 🎉 It's so rewarding to know that the insights are resonating with you. Unlocking the secret language of charismatic communication can be such a game-changer. 💖
Generally speaking, it's pointless to try to make others like you when you aren't a truly likeable person. For sooner or later they are going to find out the truth.
@@adriana_dinu respectfully that’s just a part of your body, that you don’t fully love and accept, where you haven’t cultivated self love, I know people who have unsymmetrical faces, and I’ll say not winning genes, but because they’ve learned to love themselves, not care if the other person likes them and aren’t emotionally attached to the result, takes initiative, and be’s themselves they score and having loving relationships with more people then I’ve ever even met. Your face doesn’t make you unlikable, you just think it does, and so reality adjusts and responds in alignment with that disempowering thinking
Before this video, I was watching another channel and struggling to get through the program. I fell asleep twice, finally after starting that video again three times....I did something I don't do. I quit. RUclips then brought me here, and I just enjoyed two hours of dessert! tHank you to the guest and to the whole crew!
I watch your channel because you encounter amazing people. the art of seduction is infallible. This conversation is priceless because it touches the very thing that is constant in this modern world - influence. We are constantly being manipulated by data and influencers. Which is why I like to venture in the old world, cut off from the stream of virtual information. To study psychology is to study manipulation. A fine line separates the psychologist from the psychopath. To venture into the powers of mind and emotion is quite complex. Relationships in general are quite complex.
Wow, my deepest fear was to be excluded, because I thought it would destroy me, but my family has written me out because I asked them to stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. They have given me silent treatment and martyrdom for nearly three years and it's been so frustrating, so pointless but I'm ok. So maybe it's not my worst fear anymore.
Golden content! I bought Vanessa's book "Cues" this morning at the gym when I started this interview , I bought "Captivate" tonight in the last minute of listening. Very helpful Truth!!
I feel like I try so hard to be chill but as soon as someone I want to talk to engages me, I come across so awkward and they quickly disengage and I’m left mad at myself again. My anxiousness takes over so quickly.
Thank You Both. Life is So Different when you see how you treated others & how they treated you. I Mirrored a lot, which made me appear fake to many people. Other times, I’m Just Different❤️Good & Bad. Many more Lessen to Learn🙏🏼
23:35 we call it our intuition because we don’t otherwise know how to make sense of (or interpret) the information our brain is giving our conscious mind. Cool science: What’s actually happening is that the pheromones released are able bind to receptors in the olfactory epithelium in the nasal cavity. Signals are then sent to the olfactory bulb in the brain to process the information. It is similar to how essential oils can effect our mood. They are essentially phytochemicals that plants produce (in addition to pheromones and other chemicals) in part, to communicate with insects and other plants. Other animals have an enhanced sense of smell that accounts for seemingly mysterious knowledge and awareness that we can’t explain. Now it makes sense to say “something smells off”!
I'm always amazed at how the timing of things works. I started to watch this quite a while back and then put it aside, I was "busy" with other stuff. Now I'm watching it again, fully this time and I can't sit still, and it is just what I needed right now. There are so many ahaa moments and incredible insights. Talk about charisma! This lady is not only a genius but with her delivery and stunning smile she has me completely captivated; I could listen to her all day ... I know, she's doing it on purpose ha ha ha only joking, seriously she is absolutely brilliant - thank you Vanessa Van Edwards, and Tom Bilyeu, Cheers Jon
I have never made a comment on any program ... but felt like you needed to hear this ..this is one of the things I've ever heard .. turned it off half way through because so so so many commercials.
I'm brazilian and I've never heard a portuguese speaker do vocal fry. To me it was a exclusive english speaker issue. I hear it a lot in podcast like this and it it really drives me crazy. Because here in Brasil no one talks like that.
Solving people! I used to want to do this. I got obsessed with miers briggs but funnily enough, it doesn't account for things like motivation, or people's wounds, or levels of confidence. So it really is only a clue.
What's she's taking about @ 44:19 is what I understand to be the stoic practice of negative visualization. You imagine what could possibly go wrong with your plan. But the stoic comes up with a plan and press it into place just in case. You don't just fret over a negative possibly. That's just being neurotic if you don't make plans to mitigate it
I dont think we partially close our eyes to see things from a distance with more detail, i think we do it reduce the noise in our field of vision so we can focus more of our FOV on the object in questions.
Ok, the first thing that comes to mind that I want to understand before I watch this is: isn't learning all of this a bit like a psychopathic behavior? I mean you naturally react in certain ways depending on what you feel and think, If you start to modify that in order to game the system, you are not only being disingenuous, but you are trying to gain certain benefits for yourself with what is essentially lying (because your reactions are not the same as your feelings).
we often are misled by our feelings and also don't understand others and their cues correctly. I think it's more about gaining knowledge of what's really going on vs being unaware and having opinions that are not correct. That might lead us into troubles.
We can all choose which pill to take, or whether or not to "eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil", as it were. If anyone starts watching this video and feels uneasy about what they're learning, they can choose to simply not open Pandora's box; stop watching the video, or if it's too late for that, at least put it out of your mind and without practice it should mostly be forgotten soon. However, I feel that it is better to be aware of these things. I can choose not to weaponize them, but simply notice them as I go through life. If others d cide to use these tools for "evil", then hopefully someone else who has learned them can notice, and prevent any potential victims from being taken advantage of. Either way, spreading the knowledge is likely the best path forward. You simply have to trust that there are more good than evil human beings in this world.
I hate when people tell me what I'm thinking. "Are you sure you're good, because I don't think you are or you don't look like you are?" If I told you I'm good, and we are not already people who know eachother, then don't ask me. I told you what I want to tell you.
Hey big bro thanks for your impact on our mind. Please think to add captions on yours videos to allow us to understand better because our English speech understanding is no so exceptional
Great information and at the same time torturing animals for our own curiosity is sick and disgusting. I’m so disappointed in the disregard we have for other animals 🤬
2:28 afaik we harden our lids to manually adjust "the aperture" so that our eyes can see things sharper over a larger distance variation. we are increasing our depth of field that way. optic physics ftw!
Oooh, pisses me off when someone asks "does that make sense?". It's like I'm not an idiot, if at any point something you said doesn't make sense, I'll let you know.
I feel your point.... but perhaps consider this.... the other person is "asking" for a confirmation that they communicated clearly. As a friend, family member, associate, even as a student, it's an opportunity to not only confirm our understanding, but also to provide important feedback to the communicator. Helping them out to be better at delivering their thoughts or instructions. Sender and receiver both benefit! Just a little re-frame can eliminate future pissed off feelings.
@CyrusRising well I think the biggest reason it bothers me is because 99.9% of the time people say that phrase is after explaining something a toddler would understand. I could probably see it if someone was trying to explain something hard like quantum physics. I'd be like, "thanks for asking cause I'm not even sure you're speaking English right now".
@@IZRRL yes I absolutely understand what you are saying. Like anything there's always "2 sides." My view also is dual ... that is not only do I provide feedback to the communicator, but I also protect my state. There is no right or wrong way to respond per say, though I should seek to enjoy the process.
This may work for people …..who care what other people think or who thrive just to be in a relationship…..you really wanna attract anyone….stop caring what other people think, do, care about, live at, live like, do….they will fight just to make you care about them. Not that I’m bashing the Video….she is probably pretty good at what she does….but I’m speaking from experience as well. Also would like to say if they say it’s all good and it doesn’t feel like it’s good….it ain’t good….you’re always just a moment away from the biggest backstabbing regardless of where you think you stand.
42:36 she says, ideal woman is high conscientiousness & doesn't like to be spontaneous, but then at 42:48 claims they are "...very spontaneous and bubbly" 🤔🤔
Smelling fear makes sense. A coworker of mine lost three fingers in an accident at work and the day after, when the floors were cleaned up and everything was basically back to normal, i started getting a small adrenaline rush
Wow bro !! 17:20 mind blown , Tom this is a good one ! I see that so offten . The voice fry !! When it’s a friend I go , wooow bro! what’s up man you have other things on your mind ?
Her stating that she feels like she missed the memo on not being awkward was very inspiring as I also have an insecurity and feel like I also missed a memo.
What does it say about the state of our society that we need high level spy skills / tactics just to try and understand each other? In other countries, all these social cues are understood by everyone from childhood because society is cohesive and everyone is on the same page for the most part. It's only in a society where everyone is obsessed with themselves that actual spy-level skills are required JUST TO HAVE A FLIPPIN CONVERSATION with someone. Crazy.
This is so interesting about the restaurants! I can never understand why a few of my friends google the restaurant's menu in advance! I just turn up and choose *something* but hang on, what does it mean!?
Wow this was one of the best podcasts I have heard for a long time… so much to take in and learn.. and I will definitely be getting Vanessa’s book to read… thanks 👊
At time stamp 22:25 In addition to the sweat glands, I wonder how the human magnetic field also can affect us? Such as walking into a room and immediately “feeling the tension in the air” or at some traffic intersection where you can "feel the tension” of the other motorist.
43:50; I actually had the pleasure to learn from Sam Gosling (albeit, an online course) at UT Austin during my year there. I had no idea I'd hear about him like this! Makes me wish I reached out to him then
Totally fascinated by this. I totally need to sit down with her and have a conversation. I'm a singer in both a rock band as well as a wedding band. I'm an introvert, so I like being at home watching videos like this, but you give me a mic and I'm fine. When we take breaks on stage, I just want to rest my voice and I don't want to talk to anyone, and my agent has said that I need to be more of a people person and talk to people on break, which in my head will just take endurance from my voice. My thing is that I feel like I can switch it on when I want to, but I have some gaps and pieces to my puzzle, just from comments from people, and somehow I feel like I'm not as outgoing as I think I am, or can be. Wondering how I can fix this, or if it's even something to worry about? I want to be super approachable and I fear I may not be the most approachable person. Maybe I'm confusing traits. Help! :)
So glad you liked this video! If you want to learn more I have tons of resources on my youtube channel and website. You may find this article helpful for your question :) www.scienceofpeople.com/social-skills/
I found it interesting that they got deeply into Tom's appearance and how the jawline etc can I dictate or represent things like testosterone or danger, and also helped him get his success, ...but they really kind of glossed over the opposite aspect of what can be an "advantage"... The fact that Vanessa nearly constantly (consciously, I assume?) puts out a drop-dead gorgeous smile, displays her legs, etc. Simply put, part of human nature gives an advantage to beautiful people, whether they are masculine or feminine. This could also bring up race and other things, but I just found it an interesting (and missed) side note in terms of the overall subject of how to get people to like you...
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
Hey Tom, what's your SSN? Asking for a friend.
yesterday: I look over to see a water bottle on its side soaking my electronics because I was too stupid/lazy to use the cap and/or close the drawer.
My first thought: God Damnit, my time machine designs are still pretty far from done.
I got to laugh while cleaning my mess.
When people bitch about the past ill interrupt them.
Very serious tone: "I don't know anyone in the field working on a time machine at the moment so..."
@ Video Editer or comment reader Can you add time stamps? Makes it airspeed for studying the video after the first watch, keep up the great work as well
When are you gonna have Andrew Tate?
@ 1hr 29 mins in, I had a random thought from the study she was talking about. Do you think that if a pregnant woman was in an abusive relationship and had a lot of stress and was pregnant with a girl, that’s why some girls come out feeling like they should have been a boy?
I have a friend with this situation and not makes me wonder if this is what happened to make her daughter feel like this, she’s an adult now and still feels truly like a boy (I love them both deeply and love her and any and everyone else no judgment but just wondering this now after hearing this section of the interview)
This woman is such a good communicator, using empathy and listening as her superpowers. I read captivate back in the day and I loved the fact that she used to be socially awkward and just LEARNED this shit. Empowering af
fesgseh
Yes I notice she has autistic spectrum and Borderline personality
What kind of simp are you?
I think Vanessa is Brilliant!! I would love to feel comfortable and excited to enter a room, instead of afraid and awkward.
I got the audio book Cues and Vanessa should have narrated it just the way she is speaking in her interviews with Tom. In the audiobook, her tone sounds unnatural, controlled, and less convincing.
Everybody is likable. Perhaps not by you or me, but there will be someone who likes them. I have been literally hated by a few people for being friendly!! I'll never change my friendliness, because that's who I am and I know that there is a lot of people who I will get along with, just for being me.
@John Fogarty 🤣🤣 being extra friendly, love that.
Agree, I'll never stop being friendly and c those that dont like it, I wouldnt want them as friends anyway.
sometimes the people who hate you for having a default friendly curious demeanour are powerful socially. You arrive and connect with people in the workplace, just randomly, not in any kind of status grab, but they think whoah, hate this b1tch, better use my power to exclude her.
It’s the exact same way for me. I’m “too nice” or I’m a doormat…it’s so bothersome but I can’t change who I am. I can try, but ultimately if I am who I am then there’s nothing I can do about it! We are all made differently. I’m not saying we can’t better ourselves but who’s to say I don’t like who I am this way?!
This biggest misconception is that people who are like this are validation seeking, manipulative in some way, or that they have low self esteem. I don't agree with this. I think you go into interactions with positive vibes so you can lighten up each others day. Its not that you need it. Its that relationships are more fruitful for both parties and creates harmony and good lines of communication
All aspects which are too much will be troublesome. Too stiff, too friendly, too flirty, too boring, too much smile, not smiling at all, etc.
00:29 🧠 Recognizing cues of social rejection is crucial. These cues include eye rolls, scoffs, and certain tones of voice.
01:09 👁️ When we detect a cue of social rejection, our field of vision widens, and our pupils change in less than a second.
01:36 👶 Teaching children about recognizing cues of social rejection empowers them to decide how to respond.
02:43 🗣️ Lower lid flexing signifies deep listening mode. It's a universal response to focus and scrutinize details.
03:10 🤝 Nodding balances warmth and competence cues, demonstrating deep listening and intensity.
03:39 🌟 Highly charismatic people naturally balance warmth and competence cues, building trust.
04:23 🔍 Lower lid flexing may indicate scrutiny or reevaluation. Address it appropriately in conversations.
04:51 💬 Softly inquire if everything is understood, without being confrontational or aggressive.
05:34 🔄 Changing the mode of communication can reveal more information if red flags are detected. Adapt based on the situation.
06:55 🖐️ Use a physical touch to check in with someone, a gentle way to show concern and support.
08:31 🎙️ Address vocal cues, like vocal fry, that indicate tension or discomfort. Encourage clearer communication for better understanding.
09:55 🧠 Trust your gut instincts when you sense something is off. It's a powerful tool in reading non-verbal cues.
11:19 🔑 Equipping people with the knowledge of non-verbal cues empowers them to navigate social situations more effectively.
12:39 💪 Giving people tools to read and respond to cues helps them overcome challenges like being overlooked or underestimated.
13:50 🔄 Taking control of a conversation and signaling your intent to interject is crucial for effective communication.
14:47 🗣️ Being aware of vocal cues like vocal fry can help identify anxiety or discomfort in others, leading to better support and understanding.
19:01 🤐 Going mute is a cue in itself, indicating a danger zone in a conversation.
19:30 👀 When observing poker players, focusing solely on their hands provides the most accurate read on their confidence and hand strength.
20:27 🤲 Smooth, fluid hand movements often indicate a player with a strong, confident hand in poker.
21:53 🏆 A poker player won a major tournament by prioritizing the observation of opponents' hand movements, rather than focusing on facial expressions or body language.
23:42 🧠 Trust your gut instincts; they provide valuable cues about your surroundings and interactions.
24:33 💬 Engaging withbetter, more meaningful questions can lead to deeper connections with others.
25:26 💪 Overcoming underestimation, both by others and by oneself, can be a powerful motivator for personal growth and success.
27:21 💡 Asking about someone's hero or role model can offer insights into their values, motivations, and self-narrative.
30:39 🌟 Discovering someone's role model or hero can provide valuable insights into their self-narrative and inner drives.
35:58 🕵️♀️ Vanessa's pursuit of understanding human behavior stems from a desire to decode social interactions and make them more understandable and manageable.
38:45 🧅 Understand people like peeling layers of an onion. Start with Big Five personality traits: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Neuroticism (OCEAN).
39:29 🧳 Personality traits can often be observed in personal spaces like car trunks, medicine cabinets, and walls.
40:54 📋 Conscientiousness ranges from highly organized (lists are like a sport) to spontaneous and easygoing. Organization in personal spaces reflects this trait.
43:10 🌊 Neuroticism is about how one handles worry. High neurotics tend to make pros and cons lists, while low neurotics believe "it'll all be fine."
44:06 📜 High neurotics find comfort in motivational quotes, which act as external regulators for their internal world.
45:32 🧬 High neurotics have a harder time producing serotonin, making self-soothing a challenge. Low neurotics naturally produce serotonin, allowing for easy self-soothing.
48:32 🧩 Understand your own wiring before trying to understand and work with others. Optimizing rather than changing can be more effective.
52:04 💔 Ambivalent relationships, where it's unclear where you stand with someone, can be draining. It's crucial to evaluate the quality and nutrition of friendships.
55:12 💬 Charisma is a blend of likability (warmth, trustworthiness) and power (competence, capability). Balancing these elements is essential for making a compelling impression.
58:06 🤝 Trust Signals
- Establishing trust involves non-verbal cues like body language, tone, and gestures, even in virtual interactions.
- Key questions in trust assessment: Can I trust you? Are you on my side? Are you a threat? Will I be safe, emotionally and physically?
58:21 ✉️ Effective Email Communication
- In email communication, ensure warmth in the subject and opener, competence in the body, and choose a sign-off that suits the context.
- Word choice matters - use words like "collaborate" to encourage collaboration, and "power" to inspire a sense of empowerment.
59:04 💡 Impact of Achievement-Oriented Language
- A study showed that adding achievement-oriented words (e.g., win, succeed) in instructions improved participants' performance anddoubled their motivation to engage with the task.
01:00:28 📧 Harnessing the Power of Words
- The words we use in emails, messages, or profiles can significantly influence how we're perceived. Choose words that align with your desired outcome.
01:01:10 🚀 Communicating Purpose in Email
- To make a lasting impression, open with warmth, demonstrate competence, and end with a clear sense of purpose or call to action.
01:03:14 🔄 Balancing Task-Oriented Focus with Relationship Building
- It's crucial to balance task-oriented communication with building relationships, especially in leadership roles. People remember how you make them feel.
01:04:26 💬 Maximizing In-Person Interactions
- In-person interactions provide a flood of positive chemicals (oxytocin, dopamine) that are lacking in digital communication. Being present and connecting on a personal level is essential.
01:06:45 🤜 Techniques for Interruption Management
- Use non-verbal cues like the "open mouth" gesture, hand raises, or subtle touch for interruption management in conversations.
01:09:59 👥 The Power of Self-Touch
- Self-soothing techniques, like self-touch, can help in managing anxiety or stress in social situations. It's a tool to create emotional distance and regain focus.
01:12:25 🤗 Harnessing the Power of Touch
- Touching, when done appropriately, can release oxytocin, creating a sense of connection and trust. Start with less intimate touches (e.g., hands) and gauge the comfort level.
01:17 🤚 Self-touching between collarbones or sternal notch is a soothing behavior for calmness and reset.
01:43 🤔 Self-touching, like touching the face or stomach, can be perceived as signs of nervousness or deception by others.
04:46 ❓ One key question to identify Frenemies: Are you ever in doubt about their genuine happiness for your successes?
07:01 👀 Facial features, like jaw shape and eyebrow structure, can give off signals of dominance and power.
09:12 🧐 Radical honesty involves being upfront about your preferences and limitations rather than making up excuses.
01:36:00 🧠 Understanding team dynamics: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of knowing your team's personality matrix, preferred feedback style, and brainstorming approach to enhance task management and productivity in the workplace.
01:37:24 💰 Recognizing primary values: Vanessa shares her experience of discovering that an employee's primary value was status, not monetary rewards, highlighting the significance of understanding what motivates individuals in the workplace.
01:38:46 📊 Resource Theory for motivation: Vanessa introduces Resource Theory, which identifies six different resources exchanged in relationships, emphasizing that money is just one aspect. Understanding these resources can lead to more effective motivation strategies.
01:41:50 🗝️ Self-awareness through questions: Vanessa suggests using Arthur Aron's 34 questions to deepen understanding between individuals, helping them explore interests, values, and relationships, ultimately enhancing self-awareness and connection.
01:45:04 🤔 Self-soothing techniques: Vanessa emphasizes the importance of recognizing how one copes with anxiety, whether through verbalizing worries or seeking solitude. Additionally, knowing how others can assist in the self-soothing process is crucial for healthy relationships.
01:49:18 😊 Chart of Happiness: Vanessa introduces the concept of the Chart of Happiness, which involves ranking activities based on the contentment they bring. By identifying and incorporating more small moments of happiness,individuals can positively impact their overall well-being.
01:51:11 🔄 Unlearning helplessness: Vanessa shares insights from her research on happiness, emphasizing the potential to unlearn patterns of helplessness that may be limiting one's overall happiness. This involves identifying and challenging learned behaviors and attitudes.
Ledgend!We need more people like yourselves. Thanks for the effort.
Amazing...
Thank you ❤..
Timestamps would greatly add to your nice videos. Check out the timestamps one of your viewers graciously made!
❤❤❤❤❤
legend
That's a great idea! Starting a conversation with what your pronouns are can really speed things up when it comes to meeting new people. As soon as someone walks up and starts listing their pronouns, I can immediately walk away and save us both some time.
exactly!
😂
LOL
truth
Great comment 👍
I call it when I see it. People usually want to express their reasons for disagreement, so I try to help them feel comfortable with expressing what they're really thinking. If you let it slide then that's allowing tension to build within them. Help them and yourself by calling it in a way that makes them feel safe to express themselves
The physical touch is a gesture of support, conveying that you're there for them even if they're not okay or disagree, it's quite natural with someone close to you.
Not if the people involved are not touchy people.
I’m NOT physical touch. It’s my last ❤️language. So if your not my parents or my children you better keep your hands to yourself.
Even with my spouse I’m very limited with physical touch. Glad that most of my close friends aren’t physical touch either.
What about if someone is not close to you? My coworker offered me a ride home and he held my upper arms while asking about it. I am not put off by physical touch therefore I was okay with it.
I prefer not to be touched
Outside of maybe hugging family member I would never touch somebody else during conversation or anytime I can think of.... like ever. Maybe if they were really upset and looking down or crying and I wanted them to know I was there. I can't even imagine doing that lmao.
The day I gotta start asking for peoples preferred genders as small talk is the day I stop talking to people.
I wouldn’t even give it a thought. I can’t tell what gender they are I’m probably better off not talking to them ha ha Ha
She's "handsome" 😆
Same here
Ab so f**kn lutely! 100‰
I couldn't agree more with the provided comments
I am a man who was solely raised by the code(s) provided for me & passed along by the Spartans as well as the Samurai..as well, the Vikings & the Native Americans along with a huge amount of knowledge provided by Sun Tzu.
Indeed, everyone may have their purpose when it relates to their immediate path of mortal existence but by all means I think that it was never provided in my itinerary to ever suspect that I may have to relocate in any form of formal communication that I may have to express "they" when I am speaking about a single individual..enough expressed .I just follow my code with my knowledge and my sword.
I worked at a place, and u could absolutely feel the negative energy when u walked in every single day. Makes so much sense now.
Incredibly informative from an Autistic point of view. I wish they taught this stuff in school. Life would have been so much easier if I had learned what to look for with people's faces and body language. People always baffle me, it's like there are invisible subtitles that everyone else can see but I can't. Thank you so much @TomBilyeu for interviewing this lovely lady. I've ordered her book and hope to gain more insight.
Yes! I completely agree with you ❤ I hope you love my book Cues!
That's because most neurotypicals are total idiots.
The true reward really is liking yourself for who you are.
Yep 🙂
Who is yourself?
What a freaking brilliant interview! As someone who has similar insecurities with people, a like for honest people and interest in personality construct... this gives some really useful answers! Charisma is warmth and power. Wow!
Really this is a lame pathetic interview
Just trying to sell a book.
Neither of these 2 know what they are talking about.
11:53 exactly. People don't always know how to identify certain cues, but psychopaths are masters of the whole game. Honestly, I don't think they would even need any further education, so I completely agree that it is important to educate, inform and equip people with this awareness.
Very true, I hadn't even thought it through that much! 👌🧠
Thing is more people know to look for trait of psycho
I might be totally wrong but my guess would be that she's not afraid of missing cues, the true fear stems from the unexpected, being surprised is unnerving, so maybe she's naturally more prone to anxiety, she developed this love and passion for understanding cues due to it being able to alleviate or avoid anxious situations of the unexpected.
Vanessa is one of the most interesting and useful interviews I have seen, and such an lively and attractive person. I could watcher her all day and not be distracted or bored. Think this was the first time I have seen Tom allow a guest to speak without disrupting the thread before it is expressed by a guest, so her information was actually allowed to be presented and made it the very best talk I have heard this year.
Thank you so much for your kind words! ❤
My neighbour gave me a pat on the head at the end of the night when he was leaving to go home and it instantly offended me because on a primal level I knew what that meant, in my mind it was disrespectful to do that because I had invited him into my space to meet a new friend of mine. I knew immediately that he was trying to show my friend that he's above me despite being an alcoholic that has no control of his emotional state and he has no job due to this. Which I realised was a toxic trait that I had to avoid. He's an interesting case because he lives in a fantasy, a fabricated fantasy that helps him feel better about himself. I know he lies to himself because he once said, "I'm an alpha like you, so i wouldnt get along with your other mate if he's the bold joking type." It was strange because I don't consider myself an alpha, his statement seemed fake, he complimented me to safely elevate his own status against any accusation of being egotistical, also I think he was afraid of being picked on by my bold friend even in a joking manner due to his own insecurity. My friend would hold a mirror to his face which is uncomfortable for an insecure person that's living a lie to compensate for feeling small. I don't associate with my neighbour anymore, I did it because I saw potential in him and wanted to help him climb out of the hole he has put himself in. But I don't think he wants to, he seems to enjoy misery and so I've accepted that. I won't be apart of someone's lie.
Grow up. You're not that special.
This interview with her is actually useful, unlike the other two on this channel, lol.
I bought "Cues". I really love this woman. She knows what she's talking about.
Oh, my gosh! I'm absolutely thrilled to hear that you're loving "Cues"! 🎉 It's so rewarding to know that the insights are resonating with you. Unlocking the secret language of charismatic communication can be such a game-changer. 💖
Generally speaking, it's pointless to try to make others like you when you aren't a truly likeable person. For sooner or later they are going to find out the truth.
lol that's me ...i like to interact with ppl, socialize, help ppl, but ppl don't like my face :))
@@adriana_dinu respectfully that’s just a part of your body, that you don’t fully love and accept, where you haven’t cultivated self love, I know people who have unsymmetrical faces, and I’ll say not winning genes, but because they’ve learned to love themselves, not care if the other person likes them and aren’t emotionally attached to the result, takes initiative, and be’s themselves they score and having loving relationships with more people then I’ve ever even met. Your face doesn’t make you unlikable, you just think it does, and so reality adjusts and responds in alignment with that disempowering thinking
Vanessa leaves me with a yearning for her presence in my life. Vanessa is Brilliantly
Connected to Fulfilment.:)
Before this video, I was watching another channel and struggling to get through the program. I fell asleep twice, finally after starting that video again three times....I did something I don't do. I quit.
RUclips then brought me here, and I just enjoyed two hours of dessert! tHank you to the guest and to the whole crew!
You’re so welcome! Happy you stumbled upon our video! 🙏🏻
I watch your channel because you encounter amazing people. the art of seduction is infallible. This conversation is priceless because it touches the very thing that is constant in this modern world - influence. We are constantly being manipulated by data and influencers. Which is why I like to venture in the old world, cut off from the stream of virtual information. To study psychology is to study manipulation. A fine line separates the psychologist from the psychopath. To venture into the powers of mind and emotion is quite complex. Relationships in general are quite complex.
Wow, my deepest fear was to be excluded, because I thought it would destroy me, but my family has written me out because I asked them to stop calling me paranoid and sensitive. They have given me silent treatment and martyrdom for nearly three years and it's been so frustrating, so pointless but I'm ok. So maybe it's not my worst fear anymore.
Golden content! I bought Vanessa's book "Cues" this morning at the gym when I started this interview , I bought "Captivate" tonight in the last minute of listening. Very helpful Truth!!
51:46 My thing is I sometimes do things to make people think I'm lying when I'm telling the truth ie: awkward giggle, smile.
Lie less so people don't get used to thinking ur lying when ur not
I feel like I try so hard to be chill but as soon as someone I want to talk to engages me, I come across so awkward and they quickly disengage and I’m left mad at myself again. My anxiousness takes over so quickly.
I hear you ❤ It's so tough. I know you'll get there!
I would love to see this person on the reality show survivor. That would be a good test of her abilities.
Wow that's actually a great point!
Thank You Both. Life is So Different when you see how you treated others & how they treated you. I Mirrored a lot, which made me appear fake to many people. Other times, I’m Just Different❤️Good & Bad. Many more Lessen to Learn🙏🏼
❤
More GOLD from Tom and Vanessa! Salute 🫡
I do enjoy your willingness to learn new things, and not afraid to accept your weaknesses.
23:35 we call it our intuition because we don’t otherwise know how to make sense of (or interpret) the information our brain is giving our conscious mind. Cool science: What’s actually happening is that the pheromones released are able bind to receptors in the olfactory epithelium in the nasal cavity. Signals are then sent to the olfactory bulb in the brain to process the information. It is similar to how essential oils can effect our mood. They are essentially phytochemicals that plants produce (in addition to pheromones and other chemicals) in part, to communicate with insects and other plants. Other animals have an enhanced sense of smell that accounts for seemingly mysterious knowledge and awareness that we can’t explain. Now it makes sense to say “something smells off”!
“ we can prevent burnout by gifting the right chemicals “ 🤩
🙌
44:24-48:22 about high vs. low neurotic people
Tried the self-hug with eye closed along with deep breathing and only got an insanely aggressive feeling of needing to escape.
I'm always amazed at how the timing of things works. I started to watch this quite a while back and then put it aside, I was "busy" with other stuff. Now I'm watching it again, fully this time and I can't sit still, and it is just what I needed right now. There are so many ahaa moments and incredible insights.
Talk about charisma! This lady is not only a genius but with her delivery and stunning smile she has me completely captivated; I could listen to her all day ... I know, she's doing it on purpose ha ha ha only joking, seriously she is absolutely brilliant - thank you Vanessa Van Edwards, and Tom Bilyeu, Cheers Jon
Yes ! New unique material with Vanessa! She’s brilliant ! Thx Tom ! 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
I have never made a comment on any program ... but felt like you needed to hear this ..this is one of the things I've ever heard .. turned it off half way through because so so so many commercials.
I'm brazilian and I've never heard a portuguese speaker do vocal fry. To me it was a exclusive english speaker issue.
I hear it a lot in podcast like this and it it really drives me crazy. Because here in Brasil no one talks like that.
She is super intelligent and has a very quick brain. I would definitely guess she is high in openness.
4:32 I hate when people ask me does that make sense? I just want to say something incredibly simple and ask them, “Does that make sense?”
I love this interview. I bought both her books and I’m currently reading captivate. I even bought a book she suggested called snoop. I’m so intrigued!
I love to hear this!! I hope you're enjoying Captivate. 💙
@@ScienceOfPeople I do! It was amazing book! I can’t recommend it highly! I’ve learned so much! Now I’m reading snoop then cues after :)
Solving people! I used to want to do this. I got obsessed with miers briggs but funnily enough, it doesn't account for things like motivation, or people's wounds, or levels of confidence. So it really is only a clue.
What's she's taking about @ 44:19 is what I understand to be the stoic practice of negative visualization. You imagine what could possibly go wrong with your plan. But the stoic comes up with a plan and press it into place just in case. You don't just fret over a negative possibly. That's just being neurotic if you don't make plans to mitigate it
She looks fierce with the lid flex.
Yo fr
Wow, this is incredible.
Thank you! 👏
She is so special and engaging.
I think this is weird because I am more into authentic people instead of trying ones. 🌿
38:29 Tom asks 'what are the key points to understand oneself and others'
41:50 Low in conscientiousness
42:42 neuroticism
Love this woman, for the entire duration of the interview she is super pumped up and excited and it's just great!
Thank you 🙏 I'm so glad you enjoyed this interview!
This topic is her passion
I dont think we partially close our eyes to see things from a distance with more detail, i think we do it reduce the noise in our field of vision so we can focus more of our FOV on the object in questions.
Ok, the first thing that comes to mind that I want to understand before I watch this is: isn't learning all of this a bit like a psychopathic behavior? I mean you naturally react in certain ways depending on what you feel and think, If you start to modify that in order to game the system, you are not only being disingenuous, but you are trying to gain certain benefits for yourself with what is essentially lying (because your reactions are not the same as your feelings).
we often are misled by our feelings and also don't understand others and their cues correctly. I think it's more about gaining knowledge of what's really going on vs being unaware and having opinions that are not correct. That might lead us into troubles.
@@kaila2880 Actually there is a bit of an answer to this in the video.
@@oredaze do you mean that moment when Vanessa told that she had a writers block because someone could use it to harm others?
@@kaila2880 yes
We can all choose which pill to take, or whether or not to "eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil", as it were. If anyone starts watching this video and feels uneasy about what they're learning, they can choose to simply not open Pandora's box; stop watching the video, or if it's too late for that, at least put it out of your mind and without practice it should mostly be forgotten soon.
However, I feel that it is better to be aware of these things. I can choose not to weaponize them, but simply notice them as I go through life.
If others d cide to use these tools for "evil", then hopefully someone else who has learned them can notice, and prevent any potential victims from being taken advantage of. Either way, spreading the knowledge is likely the best path forward. You simply have to trust that there are more good than evil human beings in this world.
I hate when people tell me what I'm thinking. "Are you sure you're good, because I don't think you are or you don't look like you are?" If I told you I'm good, and we are not already people who know eachother, then don't ask me. I told you what I want to tell you.
It’s called Reciprocating:)
Vanessa Van Edwards u are simply the best
You are too kind! Thank you ❤
Hey big bro thanks for your impact on our mind. Please think to add captions on yours videos to allow us to understand better because our English speech understanding is no so exceptional
Great information and at the same time torturing animals for our own curiosity is sick and disgusting. I’m so disappointed in the disregard we have for other animals 🤬
Love these interviews with Vanessa. I am a fan from the beginning. Tom is also one of the best interviewers
So happy to hear this ❤
your system is smarter than you are
if that is what you are thinking at the light
IT MEANS YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND MAKE SOME DECISIONS !!
49:02 wooow!
"... if we feel like we can change anything, we also may not optimize for how your are naturally wired"
She is GENIUS!
2:28 afaik we harden our lids to manually adjust "the aperture" so that our eyes can see things sharper over a larger distance variation. we are increasing our depth of field that way. optic physics ftw!
Wow, this is one of the best content I have consumed for a while, so full of insights that are extremely useful. Thank you 😊
Anyone else feels like they should be together? 😍 such great chemistry and content!👌
Yeah, if he didn't have a wife already I would say for sure you're right!
He's actually a lesbian.
Is it only me who feels that this woman is some kind of sociopath? Too good to be true.
This is exactly what I been looking for when my coworkers gave me tension on Tuesday.
One of my patented tongue-baths will melt all that tension away..😉
I want people to like me. I'm afraid if people don't like me, or if i never find love, then i will have wasted my life.
So grateful for this energy. Thank you two.
You're so welcome ❤
Oooh, pisses me off when someone asks "does that make sense?". It's like I'm not an idiot, if at any point something you said doesn't make sense, I'll let you know.
I feel your point.... but perhaps consider this.... the other person is "asking" for a confirmation that they communicated clearly. As a friend, family member, associate, even as a student, it's an opportunity to not only confirm our understanding, but also to provide important feedback to the communicator. Helping them out to be better at delivering their thoughts or instructions. Sender and receiver both benefit! Just a little re-frame can eliminate future pissed off feelings.
@CyrusRising well I think the biggest reason it bothers me is because 99.9% of the time people say that phrase is after explaining something a toddler would understand. I could probably see it if someone was trying to explain something hard like quantum physics. I'd be like, "thanks for asking cause I'm not even sure you're speaking English right now".
@@IZRRL yes I absolutely understand what you are saying. Like anything there's always "2 sides." My view also is dual ... that is not only do I provide feedback to the communicator, but I also protect my state. There is no right or wrong way to respond per say, though I should seek to enjoy the process.
The answer to what’s your deepest fear was so honest thank you for that
Of course! 🙏
This may work for people …..who care what other people think or who thrive just to be in a relationship…..you really wanna attract anyone….stop caring what other people think, do, care about, live at, live like, do….they will fight just to make you care about them. Not that I’m bashing the Video….she is probably pretty good at what she does….but I’m speaking from experience as well. Also would like to say if they say it’s all good and it doesn’t feel like it’s good….it ain’t good….you’re always just a moment away from the biggest backstabbing regardless of where you think you stand.
loving her, great tips for bonding and improving relationships
Thanks so much ♥
I say let's not be hypocrites and tell people straight up. It's there feelings that are hurt or in bliss...
Be authentic
This was a fantastic interview! I gotta get my hands on that book.
Thank you for watching ❤
I suppose it could also be said that being more orderly & organised could lend itself to people looking to regulate their neuroticism.
If you want an example of Vocal Fry then just look up Alex Wagner. I wonder if it is intentional.
The answer is simple: develop confidence
Lol
@@Squirrel-zq6oe how is that funny
@Mike Aguero I think the insinuation that the development of confidence is simple is funny.
@@mikeaguero2875 👋
42:36 she says, ideal woman is high conscientiousness & doesn't like to be spontaneous, but then at 42:48 claims they are "...very spontaneous and bubbly" 🤔🤔
We will look into your concerns. Thank you.
@@thomask8298 lol
Smelling fear makes sense. A coworker of mine lost three fingers in an accident at work and the day after, when the floors were cleaned up and everything was basically back to normal, i started getting a small adrenaline rush
Love the information! 😊
I'm so glad! 🤗
This was fantastic for many reasons
Thank you!!
Wow bro !! 17:20 mind blown , Tom this is a good one ! I see that so offten . The voice fry !! When it’s a friend I go , wooow bro! what’s up man you have other things on your mind ?
Her stating that she feels like she missed the memo on not being awkward was very inspiring as I also have an insecurity and feel like I also missed a memo.
❤❤
Hmmm. I like it. She is definitely giving us some vital advice here.
@Tom Bileu can't believe you are that high on agreeableness and low on contentiousness. I always thought that is what is pulling me down.
Brilliant conversation! They have great chemistry.
this is an incredible interview...Vanessa is so dialed in with her research...
Thank you so much! I hope you enjoyed it ❤
Tom, your descriptive language is/is one of your super powers. You're able to put thoughts into words with such ease. How do you do it?
practice and reading most likely
Favorite video so far. ❤
I'm so glad ♥
What does it say about the state of our society that we need high level spy skills / tactics just to try and understand each other? In other countries, all these social cues are understood by everyone from childhood because society is cohesive and everyone is on the same page for the most part. It's only in a society where everyone is obsessed with themselves that actual spy-level skills are required JUST TO HAVE A FLIPPIN CONVERSATION with someone. Crazy.
Bingo! We are a culture steeped in false advertising.
to be intimidating is a complex science.
This is so interesting about the restaurants! I can never understand why a few of my friends google the restaurant's menu in advance! I just turn up and choose *something* but hang on, what does it mean!?
This is GOLD
❤ ❤
Wow this was one of the best podcasts I have heard for a long time… so much to take in and learn.. and I will definitely be getting Vanessa’s book to read… thanks 👊
At time stamp 22:25 In addition to the sweat glands, I wonder how the human magnetic field also can affect us? Such as walking into a room and immediately “feeling the tension in the air” or at some traffic intersection where you can "feel the tension” of the other motorist.
43:50; I actually had the pleasure to learn from Sam Gosling (albeit, an online course) at UT Austin during my year there. I had no idea I'd hear about him like this! Makes me wish I reached out to him then
I have been underestimated all my life and it works out grate!!. It's EZ to look good if the bar is not set to hight
Thanks a million!
❤
Totally fascinated by this. I totally need to sit down with her and have a conversation. I'm a singer in both a rock band as well as a wedding band. I'm an introvert, so I like being at home watching videos like this, but you give me a mic and I'm fine. When we take breaks on stage, I just want to rest my voice and I don't want to talk to anyone, and my agent has said that I need to be more of a people person and talk to people on break, which in my head will just take endurance from my voice. My thing is that I feel like I can switch it on when I want to, but I have some gaps and pieces to my puzzle, just from comments from people, and somehow I feel like I'm not as outgoing as I think I am, or can be. Wondering how I can fix this, or if it's even something to worry about? I want to be super approachable and I fear I may not be the most approachable person. Maybe I'm confusing traits. Help! :)
So glad you liked this video! If you want to learn more I have tons of resources on my youtube channel and website. You may find this article helpful for your question :) www.scienceofpeople.com/social-skills/
I found it interesting that they got deeply into Tom's appearance and how the jawline etc can I dictate or represent things like testosterone or danger, and also helped him get his success, ...but they really kind of glossed over the opposite aspect of what can be an "advantage"... The fact that Vanessa nearly constantly (consciously, I assume?) puts out a drop-dead gorgeous smile, displays her legs, etc.
Simply put, part of human nature gives an advantage to beautiful people, whether they are masculine or feminine. This could also bring up race and other things, but I just found it an interesting (and missed) side note in terms of the overall subject of how to get people to like you...
One of my favourites ! Vanessa Van Edwards.. amazing interviews so insightful as always!
Thank you! 🙏🏻
Hi Vanessa. Thank you. So intriguing. Thanks for having Vanessa Tom. I had to save this one.