I’ve been married 32 years and the first thing my husband and I do when we’re alone is...jump each others bones. We raised two children, and yes, during the more challenging times of parenthood, our interest waned. We talked about it though and knew things would get easier, the older the children got. We were together for nine years before having kids, so we had a deep connection already. Prioritizing each other is paramount!
My wife and I recently hit 15 years of marriage, 18 years together. We've unfortunately fallen out of intimacy, but our love for each other is still there. We started going to a Gottman counselor, and she recently purchased your book, Come As You Are. At first, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing, but after finding your Ted Talk, I am now very optimistic. We definitely have a large comfort space for a couple of years now, with her as the less interested party. But I think I've still been there for her, and she says she is secure in how much and in what manner I express my love for her. We just need to put the prickly hedgehogs away and turn back towards each other. I think this may actually be our turning point. Thank you, Doc!
A wonderful TEDx talk. Love your take on keeping long term relationships alive ““You look into the eyes of your best friend. You keep choosing your way back“ and making each other a priority.
Yeah it may keep hers alive. But what's this have to do with anyone else. All relationships work differently. What makes people like her believe they know a the answers. Nobody does except the 2 involved. So anything she says is utter nonsense
perfect metaphors - it's very easy to get lost in scientific jargon but having a mental image that you can relate to your current situation helps tremendously.
I loved how she told, first establishing a good friendship is important !!! How true !!! I always believed that. it makes communication easy and when there is a fluid communication, there is room for everything :)
Why are most of these people commenting disrespecting her? I think she has a good point. Most men don't have these issues so they don't understand the intricate process of getting ready for the party you don't really wanna go to. I've been in an awful relationship like that for 8 years! I'm so glad that's over. Thank u Emily! Very interesting 😊
@lefu87 Williford isn't the friend's fault of not expressing their emotions leading to anger build up. I think parties are good and bad. And this type of parties involves EFFORTS of BOTH equally.
@lefu87 Williford Instead of inviting them for parties again and again I'd invite them to a cup of tea and a talk about why they don't really like to party with me. And if they'd finally invite me to a party they throw, I wouldn't try to "pay it back" by not going. But if I genuinely don't want to, maybe it's time for another cup of tea and a talk?
@lefu87 Williford I do honestly and sincerely think that there are different kinds of people in this comment section and therefore I don't just assume everyone reacts the way I would. There might be people who force a conversation, other people might set up a safe space for a talk, other might feel so hurt and rejected that they themselves don't want to open up to their partner and talk about feelings. Then it's silence or accusations... It's a very complex topic and if you think you have done everything helpful and possible already, don't feel offended by someone pointing out sth that seems obvious for you. In the end it all comes down to communication, whether you have a problem with your partner, with yourself or with sth you experienced in the past. If open communication itself is an issue, a therapist might help.
@lefu87 Williford What's the point of the conversation then, if the sole purpose of it is being destroyed, i want you to say it hurts when you aren't with me at the party, how i can possibly express my love with words only, if thats the case, then i m a noble, which can only be a friend when trying to learn, and a host for those parasite which moves on to other host if i die. Where the world is going, do we have the power to admit our mistakes, do we have the courage to correct it, i am sorry if you don't have these qualities,internet would say it is genetic, people has no time to analyze their mistake in party, how would they expect great from themselves while blaming others, i know i m off the track, but it leads to same destination, depression, fear, anxiety, etc,i can understand your frustration too,but we always cant express what mind thinks, and sometimes we want to express but other takes it as just WORDS, Now i am at the point of life where i believe that these are state of minds that has nothing to do with other behaviour regarding our emotions. Human, we are motivational beings, if we find some place(comment section) where we are heard, we express. AND I JUST WANT TO ASK THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAYS THERE'S NOTHING LEFT IN THE PARTY, I JUST WANT TO POINT YOUR BELIEF THAT YOUR NEED WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE ONE DAY, BECAUSE YOU DEPEND ON THAT ONLY AND YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T GET THAT TO PLEASE YOU, YOU BASE FOR LOVE IS FAKE FAKE FAKE!!! YOU ONLY RELY ON YOUR NEEDS, HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN URGE TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING FOR THEM.
@lefu87 Williford My answer is based on your question, which doesn't say anything about talking. Add more information and you receive more adequat advice to your specific situation. General question, general answer.
Look into the eyes of your best friend and choose to find your way back. I've been married for 33 years and we chose not to lose our way to each other.
I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app +19087998357 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together . it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger
Aww you guys are smart! I have gone through alllll of this with my partner of 10 years (we're 33) and I wish I had this knowledge back then. If you really work together and love each other and you get to a place you can come home to each other after things get tough, theres no other feeling like that in the world. Its really rewarding :)
Oh my goodness..the first couple moments I was wide eyed...then I cried for 5 mins then I ended with a smile Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time..i really enjoyed it!
Watching/listening to things like this will better prepare you for a healthy lasting relationship once you find someone you want to be with. Its like you are studying for the final. Keep watching others like this & those about communication.
Not so hard, be best friends and you will always have great chemestry, also get drunk together and mix it up a bit every now and then. But most of all be BFF
She described exactly why I am divorced. I did all of the positive things she listed, maybe not perfectly, but I tried hard and never quit. My ex-wife did not do a single one of them after about a month of marriage. Not one. In 19 years. I stayed committed. She gave up and left.
yeah if azzam can learn English so can you, now we just have to teach his parents English so they dont have to name their child after what the magician said when he finishes a magic trick.
@@Scratchci çok kibarsınız teşekkür ederim 🌹 Aslında Türkçe çevirinin olmamasına inat yazmıştım. İngilizcenin dünyanin heryerinde geçerli bir dil olması üzücü.
Ok, when she threw in hedgehogs, things really went askew. Do we understand hedgehogs? Why wasn't it snakes? How does that sound? Problem is Emily is introducing a 3rd party we know nothing about and this is totally mystifying. This introduction to an unknown is totally unexeptable. She did nothing but complicate the situation. So, very bad. And for guys this really throws a Haymaker into the situation. Now, he's puzzled.
Why do all these talks sound so far removed from real life. People meet, somehow get married, have some years of good times and then just get bored of each other. By then they have children, have responsibilities and muscle through the same , work to build a secure future and eventually just get used to being around each other. That is life. If your expectations are these, you will end up dying happy. This is how all the previous generations lived, (I think) and all these talks put needless pressure on people to start expecting too much in life.
Thats sad and not how it has to be. What shes saying isn't unrealistic it just takes effort. The only unrealistic part is people putting in effort, because many think like you. And settle, what a life settling because you don't believe things can be better. You set yourself up for automatic failure
Its largely hormonal. All this talking will go nowhere long term. You either correct the hormonal changes or re-prioritize your life and distract yourself from your intimate needs.
The ending part seems pathetic. It's like it's a battle, a chore, worse than work, war - both within and without. I say, if you can't feel it, don't sweat it. Deal with it. Find something else to 'do'.
I 've just asked the more seductive, irresistible and distant men I met, to teach me. I would call him Master with pleasure. Until the moment the student overcomes the Master and then another story begins - shameless copied from the original Kung Fu story- 2020, I would not leave my Master unrewarded, why should I? Rather create a worthy life together. But he wants half a dozen of kids. No way. Perhaps two, at once. Life is short. Kids grow fast, and I want to enjoy life until the very last breath. Wish me luck.
I’ve been married 32 years and the first thing my husband and I do when we’re alone is...jump each others bones. We raised two children, and yes, during the more challenging times of parenthood, our interest waned. We talked about it though and knew things would get easier, the older the children got. We were together for nine years before having kids, so we had a deep connection already. Prioritizing each other is paramount!
How much do you weight ? Yes it's an actual question.
Nice flex. Good for you.
Happy for you 🥲
@@goulet268 what does that even matter?
Men can have babies.
My wife and I recently hit 15 years of marriage, 18 years together. We've unfortunately fallen out of intimacy, but our love for each other is still there. We started going to a Gottman counselor, and she recently purchased your book, Come As You Are. At first, I wasn't sure if it was a good thing, but after finding your Ted Talk, I am now very optimistic. We definitely have a large comfort space for a couple of years now, with her as the less interested party. But I think I've still been there for her, and she says she is secure in how much and in what manner I express my love for her. We just need to put the prickly hedgehogs away and turn back towards each other. I think this may actually be our turning point. Thank you, Doc!
Also buy her "coming soon" by Daniela Schiftan. That one is also great
A wonderful TEDx talk. Love your take on keeping long term relationships alive ““You look into the eyes of your best friend.
You keep choosing your way back“ and making each other a priority.
Could you please clarify meaning of this phrase? I'm not English speaking, so it's hard to understand.
Yeah it may keep hers alive. But what's this have to do with anyone else. All relationships work differently. What makes people like her believe they know a the answers. Nobody does except the 2 involved. So anything she says is utter nonsense
perfect metaphors - it's very easy to get lost in scientific jargon but having a mental image that you can relate to your current situation helps tremendously.
Spot on... making it a “priority” is a key to keeping that part of your relationship vibrant!
I loved how she told, first establishing a good friendship is important !!! How true !!! I always believed that. it makes communication easy and when there is a fluid communication, there is room for everything :)
Could not agree more Emily Nagoski! We've been together for 15 years, married for 11, as best friends who are prioritizing time together regularly
Why are most of these people commenting disrespecting her? I think she has a good point. Most men don't have these issues so they don't understand the intricate process of getting ready for the party you don't really wanna go to. I've been in an awful relationship like that for 8 years! I'm so glad that's over. Thank u Emily! Very interesting 😊
@lefu87 Williford isn't the friend's fault of not expressing their emotions leading to anger build up. I think parties are good and bad. And this type of parties involves EFFORTS of BOTH equally.
@lefu87 Williford Instead of inviting them for parties again and again I'd invite them to a cup of tea and a talk about why they don't really like to party with me.
And if they'd finally invite me to a party they throw, I wouldn't try to "pay it back" by not going. But if I genuinely don't want to, maybe it's time for another cup of tea and a talk?
@lefu87 Williford I do honestly and sincerely think that there are different kinds of people in this comment section and therefore I don't just assume everyone reacts the way I would. There might be people who force a conversation, other people might set up a safe space for a talk, other might feel so hurt and rejected that they themselves don't want to open up to their partner and talk about feelings. Then it's silence or accusations... It's a very complex topic and if you think you have done everything helpful and possible already, don't feel offended by someone pointing out sth that seems obvious for you. In the end it all comes down to communication, whether you have a problem with your partner, with yourself or with sth you experienced in the past. If open communication itself is an issue, a therapist might help.
@lefu87 Williford What's the point of the conversation then, if the sole purpose of it is being destroyed, i want you to say it hurts when you aren't with me at the party, how i can possibly express my love with words only, if thats the case, then i m a noble, which can only be a friend when trying to learn, and a host for those parasite which moves on to other host if i die. Where the world is going, do we have the power to admit our mistakes, do we have the courage to correct it, i am sorry if you don't have these qualities,internet would say it is genetic, people has no time to analyze their mistake in party, how would they expect great from themselves while blaming others, i know i m off the track, but it leads to same destination, depression, fear, anxiety, etc,i can understand your frustration too,but we always cant express what mind thinks, and sometimes we want to express but other takes it as just WORDS, Now i am at the point of life where i believe that these are state of minds that has nothing to do with other behaviour regarding our emotions. Human, we are motivational beings, if we find some place(comment section) where we are heard, we express. AND I JUST WANT TO ASK THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAYS THERE'S NOTHING LEFT IN THE PARTY, I JUST WANT TO POINT YOUR BELIEF THAT YOUR NEED WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE ONE DAY, BECAUSE YOU DEPEND ON THAT ONLY AND YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T GET THAT TO PLEASE YOU, YOU BASE FOR LOVE IS FAKE FAKE FAKE!!! YOU ONLY RELY ON YOUR NEEDS, HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN URGE TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING FOR THEM.
@lefu87 Williford My answer is based on your question, which doesn't say anything about talking. Add more information and you receive more adequat advice to your specific situation. General question, general answer.
Look into the eyes of your best friend and choose to find your way back. I've been married for 33 years and we chose not to lose our way to each other.
I suspected my husband always texting a lady on his phone , We’ve been married for 18 years, we’ve both been happy together until recently when he switched side and I found out he has been cheating .I explained my story to a colleague at work then she introduced me to this genuine hacker, Darkwebprohacker who gave me access to his phone , I had complete access to his phone right on my own device and I could see all his activities for the past 2 years and also have access to new notifications, his text messages, Facebook messages,location, call logs, and I found out my husband was also flirting on dating sites..I love my husband a lot and I still don’t understand why he betrayed me, I have been a good hardworking wife and never for once cheated on him. I tracked him down and found out he was always going to sleep in another woman’s house with me thinking my husband is always at work for night shift. You can contact this great hacker who helped me found out the truth about my husband at darkwebprohack(at)gmail com or Whats app +19087998357 or text and call them directly on the same number.They helped me get access into his phone without even touching his phone.I have enough evidence against my husband and I am thinking of Filing for divorce.I want advice if I should give him another chance or let go ? We have 2 kids together
.
it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger
If this is true it’s a weird response to my post, I think you’re a troll, go away!
Very good lesson that only works if the couple are both using her suggestions; it can't be one sided.
Send it to yoir partner, let them watch and talk about it
Oh that is sooooo true Judy :-)
Nothing in a relationship can be one sided.
I am 18 and single and taking notes - i am doing this for my future self. Lmao
anilem k. Same here. Very good :)
lmao i'm 18 and single too and i am like "wow nice i'm gonna keep this in mind"
Aww you guys are smart! I have gone through alllll of this with my partner of 10 years (we're 33) and I wish I had this knowledge back then. If you really work together and love each other and you get to a place you can come home to each other after things get tough, theres no other feeling like that in the world. Its really rewarding :)
That is BRILLIANT that you are Learning this as an 18yr old. It will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life 👍😉
Well done!
Finally, a relevant ted talk.
Here is somebody with a PhD that makes a real difference. Thanks, doc! Right on time!
Good Ted x helps to improve my communication in english thank u very much
An absolute 10! Simple and Powerful...Emily is brilliant and heartful. Thank you, dear Emily!!
i think this is my favorite ted talk of all time. 10/10. would shop again. :)
#1: Are you there for me? Are they emotionally available? They are literally best friends.
And this would be why my ex-husband is my ex. 😕
MIFNP jovan stojsic
It's tough to realise that. I do hope with this knowledge you someone who is on the same metaphorical page as you :-)
Oh my goodness..the first couple moments I was wide eyed...then I cried for 5 mins then I ended with a smile
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time..i really enjoyed it!
This is such SUCH a good video. Possibly one of the best I've watched in years
Why am I watching a video about lifetime relationships when I'm not even in a relationship?
😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤔🤔🤔🤔
Watching/listening to things like this will better prepare you for a healthy lasting relationship once you find someone you want to be with.
Its like you are studying for the final. Keep watching others like this & those about communication.
Same. LoL
Because you want one. A good one.
Insurance?
Thank you, Emily Nagoski!
I count this among the top TED talks I have encountered.
what an outstanding teacher!
Not so hard, be best friends and you will always have great chemestry, also get drunk together and mix it up a bit every now and then. But most of all be BFF
Yep Matt. You're right there. They do.
A Beautiful explanation. I am word less. The last part really got me ❤❤.
She described exactly why I am divorced. I did all of the positive things she listed, maybe not perfectly, but I tried hard and never quit. My ex-wife did not do a single one of them after about a month of marriage. Not one. In 19 years. I stayed committed. She gave up and left.
Emily's book is as awesome as this TedTalk. Tenouttaten would recommend.
She makes serious sense.
That was beautiful Emily! Thank you so much for this. I really want to read your book now. I had heard of it before but this talk sold it for me.
This was amazing. This struck a cord in me. Thank you for your work. Please keep telling people the truth.
Excellent TED talk I will save in my library for sharing with others❣️
Great talk! I’m glad my wife and I follow these principles!
I can't imagine being in love with someone and they move 20 feet away from you when asked to be comfortable
It happens and it's heartbreaking.
Incredible, helpful, fun talk. Thank you for this. 🔥
Great knowledge👌
Interesting take on a long term issue.
This one was so meaningful
Such an interesting video! Ted Talk 😊
Bahasa and english Translation Please 🙏😊
I really like her enthusiasm👍
That was really beautiful
After three broken relationships, I've got porcupines, and they are angry!
Paul Moore I feel you, man
Long lasting relationship
Responsive desire is a state of being. It's not what you are 🤣🤣. There is a reason you are there....
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life John 3:16😍😍😍😍
Helped alot thank you . This really was needed
These agood programe see in my life now I can talking very good thanks from my heart
Why am I watching this when I am single?
it might help you meet the partner you want, whoever they are
@Z3U5 why are we still here? just to suffer....
stay single and be happy...
Same, it's interesting knowledge though.
LoL same
I LOVE THIS!!!!! Thank you :,)
The other purely and truly scientific approach: barebone chemistry.
May I know what that is? Soz I'm clueless
AnonymousMe lol take a guess
Loss of attraction isn’t a sleepy hedgehog, it’s a bipolar elephant.
Possible though that: there is still hope, and maybe the animal is somewhere in between
Excellent!
Great advice!
V informative
Beautifully said.
Hey ted talk do you mind paying for my college tuition real quick?
Key 🗝👏👏👏
Thank you💜
Nice story!💕 Tks
A very good person I no forget you xxx
Very well said
Love it!!
Turkish translation please
Learn English hhhhhhhha
yeah if azzam can learn English so can you, now we just have to teach his parents English so they dont have to name their child after what the magician said when he finishes a magic trick.
@@EdwardGordington lol, good roast.
Vaktim olursa senin için çevirebilirim
@@Scratchci çok kibarsınız teşekkür ederim 🌹
Aslında Türkçe çevirinin olmamasına inat yazmıştım. İngilizcenin dünyanin heryerinde geçerli bir dil olması üzücü.
Thank you Emily
I love my husband. How long is a long relationship like 5 years?
She specifically mentioned relationships that spanned decades. Good luck. I hope you get there!
@Get IT J I mean mine is like 3 years old we are doing awesome and well you know just checking.
@@JimCarmody thank you me too ♡
We are on 23 years this year, together 25. Still interested in each other in this way.
@@smcarney Goals! Good for you guys
Very good Teaching👍 👍
They switch it up. The end...😂🤣
I do believe you commented before viewing. ... But good luck with a long term monogamous relationship, I guess?
@@emilycunningham6415 Meaning??
@@XxDiamondBubbles364xX Your comment appears to either be irrelevant to the video or ignored the message in the video.
alot of this is found in biblical basis for a marrige thats intresting
Did she really have to rush through that session?
So good
😔
The audience is so boring. They don't laugh about her good jokes.
Probably too embarrassed.
Muhteşem bir konuşma tebrikler.👏👏🇹🇷🇹🇷
Yep
Facts i hope she gets satisfied at home!
Beautiful.
❣
?
Love the sleepy hedgehog analogy
Ok, when she threw in hedgehogs, things really went askew. Do we understand hedgehogs? Why wasn't it snakes? How does that sound? Problem is Emily is introducing a 3rd party we know nothing about and this is totally mystifying. This introduction to an unknown is totally unexeptable. She did nothing but complicate the situation. So, very bad. And for guys this really throws a Haymaker into the situation. Now, he's puzzled.
Please hindi
Through restraint I believe.. 😋
A single man clicked in , leaving a comment and quit
Common sense
Don’t get married
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ fast but who cares❤️
You won't need to worry about this any more, ladies, because guess what? M G T O W !!!
Sound skewed to the right channel. A bit irritating to listen.
Toss each others salad (?)
Why do all these talks sound so far removed from real life. People meet, somehow get married, have some years of good times and then just get bored of each other. By then they have children, have responsibilities and muscle through the same , work to build a secure future and eventually just get used to being around each other. That is life. If your expectations are these, you will end up dying happy. This is how all the previous generations lived, (I think) and all these talks put needless pressure on people to start expecting too much in life.
Thats sad and not how it has to be. What shes saying isn't unrealistic it just takes effort. The only unrealistic part is people putting in effort, because many think like you. And settle, what a life settling because you don't believe things can be better. You set yourself up for automatic failure
I came for the topic but stayed for the hedgehogs.
This would sound alien to an asexual person…. Just sayin’🤷♀️
Be a penguin
Its largely hormonal. All this talking will go nowhere long term. You either correct the hormonal changes or re-prioritize your life and distract yourself from your intimate needs.
The ending part seems pathetic. It's like it's a battle, a chore, worse than work, war - both within and without. I say, if you can't feel it, don't sweat it. Deal with it. Find something else to 'do'.
The word person pls stop using it. It's a dead entity through law
R u
early
Well it's true, those who can, do. Those that can't, teach...😁
I 've just asked the more seductive, irresistible and distant men I met, to teach me. I would call him Master with pleasure. Until the moment the student overcomes the Master and then another story begins - shameless copied from the original Kung Fu story- 2020, I would not leave my Master unrewarded, why should I? Rather create a worthy life together. But he wants half a dozen of kids. No way. Perhaps two, at once. Life is short. Kids grow fast, and I want to enjoy life until the very last breath. Wish me luck.
Poop
Blue comes out of my nose sometimes
Lilskidmarks14 the good stuff is blue
Women do so overwhelmingly by having multiple partners.