I deff relate to the flashback aspect but mine is more like a wave of anxiety when i think about the complication. I had top surgery which was fine and awesome. But then I had a hematoma. Bled like a liter and a half in my chest... Emergency surgery the works. It was so painful and very traumatic. I had surgery right after you did im almost a year post op! Im so greatful for having my flat chest. But my “waves of anxiety” flashbacks are hard to deal with. Im just tryingto work through each of them as they happen. And remembering the last time it happened i ended up being fine andjust ridingit out. Wow really sounds likeminor panic attacks. But i noticed the waves of anxiety arent as frequent and arent as long as they used to. And as my body heals ithink my mind is catching up, and working through the trauma. All the best to ya Jammi! (hope i spelled it right) My thoughts r with you!
I use positive self-re-programing to help with changing feelings and thoughts that I feel don't serve me well. It might help you. I keep a piece of paper taped to the bathroom mirror and whenever I'm brushing my teeth, washing my face & hands, etc. I repeat them to myself over and over. Easy one: I have had issues with procrastinating, so I read and say, "I am motivated." Harder one: I had a bad experience with not enough anesthetic during a procedure and not being listened to about it, so I read and say, "I trust my medical team." But before I could say that one to myself I did a more loving one and would read and say, "I trust my soul." Because at first, I knew I didn't trust my medical team because they ignored me. But I know I trusted my soul to lead me through the best possible outcome. So I repeated that one until I was comfortable enough to start working on the medical team. I am still reading it daily. I think when I'm able to think about going through it again without having an adverse physical response then I will be ready. Or start with "Tuna melt paninis are alright and currant jam is okay."
You can get PTSD from surgical experiences. No harm in seeking therapy to discuss and work through it if you feel you need it. They may give you some coping mechanisms if you are in fact near the top of that wait list. Much love xo.
They don't even have to be major procedures. When I was around 9 or 10 I had a bad experience with an injection and developed a phobia of them. My friend was recently traumatised by having an uncommunicative doctor while she had spinal injections. He didn't talk her through the procedure or warm her about the pain that was likely to occur. All medical procedures are scary and this isn't considered enough in health care.
It sounds a lot like PTSD which often happens when surgery goes wrong/major medical procedure occurs. I've been really lucky that any medical procedure I've had has gone well but my parents (I was a minor when they occurred) were made aware that I should probably get therapy or counselling if something went wrong because it is still trauma. Trauma to the body and trauma to the mind. It's just something that happens and it sounds like you've had a helluva time.
I might even have it from some tests/scans they used to do with dye and a catheter for my kidneys it was painful and uncomfortable I was fully awake and you were basically bound to the table by a giant machine that went over your lower half so it hurt I had no idea what they were actually doing and I was like a terrified 8 year old at the time because of that and just cause it hurts I really don't like even going to the dentist to be poked and prodded at cause I get panicy that I have no control... however I always say if they loop me up for stuff ir put me under we'd all feel a lot better. As far as I know when I went in for my actual operation I had no reaction to the drugs, felt nothing at all cause I was put under. And I genuinely only remember smelling watermellon scented gas or medicine and watching pokemon for a bit before I went in for surgery. Basically I'd really like to be put under when and if I can even though it worries profeasionals to do that. Just cause well... I'd rather be doing that than screaming bloody murder at getting blood drawn just because I really thought I wasn't gonna need to be stabbed at with things. Pretty much that and a shot series I decided is genuinely kinda useless to my life have given me enough trust issues since the stuff as a kid I go back only if it's zo bad I can't deal.
Sweet Jamie pleaae talk with a professional about PTSD. I had breast cancer 22 years ago and mental side effects were worse than the diseaae itself. I could not look at anything pink (do you know how many pink ribbons were thrown my way???) I couldn't watch Saturday Night Live for 15 years because i risked seeing an old skit with Gilda Radner who died of cancer which means i couldn't watch anything with her husband Gene Wilder. I had to move to another city because i would flash back everywhere i went. I kept fainting so they thought cancer came back as a brain tumor. Was anxiety. It took years to be diagnosed with PTSD but now at least when I flash i know what is happening. My case is extreme but the worst are the years lost to the mental trauma. I love your videos and think you and Shaba are so precious and tell everyone about you. Much love from across the pond xoxo
@@kae2489 never meant any harm with it, stupid decision on my part. Just wanted to leave a friendly reminder. My reaction to the comment was genuine, so I left it out. (I realize that sounds stupid now...)
@@Aussywoo thank you so very much for the correction. I'm so ashamed that when I went back to proof read what I typed on my tiny phone with 54 year old eyes I missed that awful error. I'm sure it ruined the whole message I was trying to convey to Jamie. I also misspelled please.
Please, if you haven't already, watch Hannah Witton's video about surgical PTSD because this sounds so similar. It might be helpful to speak to a professional about how you feel.
Amber Proffit-Mouland I second this! I’ve not personally had surgery so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this subject and she definitely broke it down in a way that was easy to understand!
I agree you are suffering from PTSD. I had an epidural that went really bad 2nd surgery but had to do it again 3rd surgery. They gave me something to mellow me out these were C sections.
I think it's good you understand that you can be gentle with your body and your mind, even after coming out of something that was clearly traumatic. And you are willing to share that with your viewers in a way that explains to them the postive and negative of surgery. Thank you, Jamie
when i was a teenager i had an operation and was given that banana flavoured penicillin for weeks after and the smell or taste of that artificial banana years after made me feel physically sick. one day in my early 20s i bought a bag of banana chewy sweets that smelled just the same and i just sat and ate the bag (it was a small bag but still) and i realised i kinda liked the taste so i enjoyed them and haven't had an issue with it since, it took a long time so you need time and also when you feel ready then triumphantly eat the jam and the paninis and remind yourself that its just yummy food and that you can move on and not associate them with the pain and build up to not associating the surgery with the pain so you can go have more done
penicillin was flavored and colored like bubble gum where I grew up. I was too young to really understand that you can't just drink the medicine whenever, so my mom had to hide it as best she could from me. It was really yummy, lol. Now, as an adult, I really dislike bubble gum flavored things.
It certainly sounds like PTSD. Which is not surprising as this sounds like it was a completely traumatic experience for you. Definitely seek therapy to help you process these memories. I'm not a professional but I personally did EMDR therapy for my trauma. It's essentially supposed to help you process everything to make everything feel less raw and help you to become more at peace with what happened. I am sure there are many other professional therapies and methods too!
The FB algorithm showed me this video, I was so happy to have some kind of insights on the differences of feeling between female/male genitals and than, lost the video before I could finish it. I was so sad! I looked for it with keywords and finally found it! Thank younfor sharing! This is very instructive! I am happy you had the support to be you completely!
I think it's so important that you share your feelings on this topic with us! Sometimes it feels like surgeries get kinda glorified in the 'trans community' but they're actually not that much fun at all lmao I just had top surgery and I freakin love my result but the whole hospital thing and especially the taking care of your own scars afterwards at home is super weird if you've never done anything like that. More people should talk about all aspects of surgery!
Feeling so happy seeing such heartwarming comments.. passing my love & respect to all of you.. The world is not so bad after all.. people like u make this world a better place to live in..
I can so understand the feeling of, as you said, being between a rock and a hard place. So frustrating and sometimes agonising to feel the need to get something done or change something in your life but being too scared to do it.
It sounds like PTSD. It is pretty normal after surgary gone wrong. Therapy might be a good way to deal with it. I hope you feel better soon and never have anything like that happen again
Thank you for your honesty and frankness, it's something that's needed. Everyone is different, however, I greatly appreciate honesty like this and it helps me with my decisions. Complications like that could very well kill me, so reading er watching honest discussions like that has helped. I am going to have top surgery but am drawing the line at anything else. For me, the risks outweigh the benefits, as for how your feeling. Speaking as someone that has PTSD, that what it seems like. Talk therapy might help or CBT therapy, even just learning ways of taking care of yourself in moments like that.
I've had a fair few times where things have gone wrong medically - and those times where things are just getting worse and worse and there's nothing you can do and you're in pain and all news seems to be bad news etc etc it's traumatic as hell!! It deffo is something to consider discussing with a Dr to make the next stages of surgery easier. For me, as few things help really. The main thing is talking as much as possible - especially with people who were there. It can help to clarify your memories and it can help give things perspective (some things we minimise and some things we dramatize and it's worth trying to get a clear memory of what really happened). Talking with medical professionals can be really useful - often things sound and feel utterly terrifying when it happens to us and it feels like things are spiralling out of control when actually we aren't in any real danger, for example, having watched your videos I think most of the pain relief they gave you was morphine (mainly orally) and I promise that if your pain had kept getting worse and had reached unbearable levels there are LOADS of stronger things they can give you. So whilst to you it will have felt like you were maxed out on pain relief and still in pain (which is a scary position to be in) there are more things they could have done if they'd needed to. I find that talking through worst case scenarios like that helpful so I see that things were in more control than they felt (So worst case scenario your pain kept increasing insanely then they'd have given you something stronger which would have calmed everything down a lot etc). Idk. Everyone is different but that's the sort of stuff I reassure myself with. I hope you can start to feel better soon :)
It totally makes sense to be traumatized after all that!! I'm still waiting to get top surgery and I'm pretty scared, but I've had surgeries before (chronic sinus issues) and luckily my experiences haven't been TERRIBLE. I'm so happy that you're doing better now. Just remember that there's no rush for you to get more surgery; wait until you're mentally ready and you feel like you've moved past your bad experience. You're very brave
I feel you. I was hit by a car in sept and had emergency surgery to repair an extremely broken leg from which I'm still recovering. I will have to go back in a year for another long operation to remove all the hardware in my bones and this occurs to me at random moments (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep) and makes me feel panicky. I strongly recommend speaking with your dr about the mental/emotional effect of your medical procedures and maybe getting a referral to a mental health clinic. Learning more about trauma related to emergency, life and death experiences and the resulting medical stuff has been SO helpful for me to notice and manage my stress and fear of future intervention or injury. Best of luck!!
It's important to bring up information like this, in my opinion. I recently had top surgery, and the entire recovery process caught me quite off-guard. No one I talked to ever mentioned the recovering process being that extensive, and I think that if I had been made aware of it beforehand, I would have dealt better with it while being there myself.
Omg! I feel this so hard! I will never have another surgery again. I'm 12 days post-op from top surgery and there were complications. I had a very large hematoma (that they didn't know about until the second surgery) in the right side of my chest and my blood pressure kept bottoming out and I kept passing out. I was taken back into surgery the next morning to find out what was going on. I ended up having to have a substantial amount of blood and fluids put back into my body. I came out of surgery the second time doing better, but I will never have another surgery. And had I known things would go wrong with this one, I wouldn't have had it. It's such a scary feeling to be so out of control of your body and not being able to function. Never again. I'm actually going to go back to my therapist and work on the trauma from surgery.
Thank you for always being so honest in your videos. Your content is so informative and I think you must help so many people just from sharing your experiences like this. I hope you are feeling a lot better. You have been through so much!
I understand where you’re coming from. I had PTSD after going through treatment for breast cancer. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but as the years go by I’m having less flashbacks and it just seems to get less severe. I hope that’s normal and that it gets better for you, too, sweetie :)
Jamie! Thanks for the video! No one talks enough about how confusing it can be to simultaneously traumatized by and happy about an event (like transition surgeries). I noticed a lot of people throwing out the idea that you may be suffering from PTSD. I wanted to say, that even if you don't think your symptoms are constant or impairing enough to warrant PTSD, you have at least a couple of the symptoms. Please look into EMDR. It may not be right for you, but it's a treatment used for PTSD that occurred from a clearly defined, one-time event, such as a medical procedure or an explosion.
I agree watching Hannah Witton's video is good. I had major surgery as a teenager and it left me very terrified of ever having to go under the knife again. It's important to remember that surgery is trauma to the body and that can affect your brain. Seeing someone can help you sort out those feelings and process them.
Thank you for sharing this. I had a lot of complications from my top surgery and I’m also traumatized. I’m scared to get any further surgeries and I’m not sure if I can go without them. I don’t pass well currently and without body contouring surgery and facial reconstruction the only thing I can do is go back in the closet for a few years until I’ve been on t long enough to be read as male by strangers. I’m absolutely devastated. I’ve spent my entire recovery post op time just crying and crying. Glad I got the top surgery because I needed my chest gone desperately but my god am I traumatized
Awe sweetie, you take your time. When you are more mentally ready then you will know its the right time. In the mean time, you keep being you! sending you much love!
My sister had surgery once and needed to eat lots of fruit during her painful recovery, so my mum bought her lots of grapes, which my sister loved and which were hard to get where we lived. She hasn't been able to eat another grape since, because she associates them with the pain she was in at the time. So, yeah, you're not alone in that.
I've had multiple unrelated-to-being-trans surgeries (I was born with heart and skeletal defects), and let me tell you, I NEVER want to have any surgery ever again!!! I totally relate with that. I am completely non-op because of my past surgical experiences.
Dear sweet young man, it is perfectly understandable that you are afraid. This is not anything you need to do immediately. Please give it more time. Even if they call you, explain your situation and ask to have more time. Hopefully this fear will subside over time and you can have your surgery when you are mentally prepared.
Maybe just a bit different, but for myself I had a terrible experience during childbirth where we both were tachycardic and I got an infection during my labour and now it is almost 2 years since and I'm still terrified about the thought of having another child. Those kinds of experiences really do make it hard when you have complications. The panic attacks are really hard to deal with so I know for myself I've been practicing "grounding" myself. But honestly even though it is a less invasive surgery for you, it still is surgery and the memories won't go away. Wishing you the best!
I'm pre top and bottom but I've had a reduction which went well and this video is what I really needed. Thank you for sharing all of these things with us. Also, I have PTSD from abuse and rape and this definitely sounds like PTSD, whether that's exactly what it is or not, your feelings are very valid and worth exploring ideally professionally as well as in forums like this. I'm not trying to be an ass, I have therapy twice a week. I hope you start to feel better soon. Thank you so much for this video. You are such a gift to the trans community.
Two weeks after my hysterectomy I had to go back into hospital with appendicitis and severe peritonitis. The doctors couldn't even tell if it was connected to the previous surgery but it scared the hell out of me when it happened. I remember being deeply relieved that there was no other planned surgery ahead of me. So I totally get you. Having flashbacks etc. sounds like something you definitly should deal with in some way. Discussing it with a therapist or friends (or with your youtube audience) might help. It's good, I think, that you are facing up to it and not trying to suppress it.
Thank you a lot for talking about this actually. I freaked out and shut down when I tried to schedule top surgery 4 months ago and I haven’t called back. The whole idea of having surgery just makes me panic and I always felt unreasonably weak for that because so much of trans surgery’s publicity is how wonderful and life changing it is. Like, yeah it might be fantastic to have a flat chest, but I still have to go through the build up and the waiting and the needles and the having someone slice my chest open, scoop out some shit, and sew it back up. That’s fucking terrifying on every theoretical and visceral level I can think of.
I understand to a degree where you're coming from. I've been hospitalized several times and have had shit happen directly afterwards (had to have emergency gall bladder surgery, fluid in my abdomen, had to be readmitted, etc.) so It's like I've come to just be super anxious about discharge from the hospital and just to assume shit's going to go bad. That aside, I wanted to say thank you so much for the real talk about surgery. I feel like in the trans world there's really not enough real talk about surgery, the aftermath and healing, and the imperfect results. Everyone's just *YAY SURGERY* and yeah, it's fucking awesome - because so many of us struggle to afford it and the societal implications are so heavy as well that we just want to cheer when it comes. But - I feel like there's this whole glossing over of how big of a deal it actually is. I'm about six weeks out from top surgery and still having pain - I've got a bit of dog earring under my pits and there's a bit of excess fat at the midline where my incisions come close together. It's been a tough road uphill but I'm getting there. Thank god I had the forethought to actually talk to some guys about their surgeries so I had some clue as to what to expect. You see all these happy doped up guys hours/days after their surgeries and its like.. that's not real life. Anyways. Thanks for posting this. I am starting T soon so bottom surgery isn't anywhere near my future and honestly - after seeing your videos and the reality of it (not including complications) i don't think it's a path I want to go down - I don't want people mucking around in my pants.
oh man just hearing about your pain and bad experiences hurt bits that I don't even have. =/ I'm so sorry you went through that. I agree with others about therapy related to surgery though! It might be helpful since you're wanting to have surgeries in the future. You deserve to have the body you want and you deserve to not let your bad experience keep you from getting the results you want for yourself.
Difficult to know how you'll react... I had a massive panic attack in the theatre prep room when I was 16 and thought after that it could only get worse, I've actually been fine since. I think just remembering it's a decision you've made for all the right reasons helps, also take biscuits for after, something to look forward to.
my grandfather is prone to surgery complications too and i saw how things like this can not only hurt someone's body, but also their spirit. Please stay safe, you are not alone and you are loved.
I wish you luck jamie, you are a very cheery guy and you deserve to get everything you want. I like that you share these experiences and the realities of surgeries etc. Love your videos, I would like to see shaaba put makeup on you or something i think that would be a fun video 😄💙
Of course I am no doctor or psychologist, but it honestly sounds like you might have PTSD. One can get PTSD from any traumatic event, including hospital visits. I am not sure how easy or hard it is to talk to someone in the UK, but if you can, I would really seriously consider talking to a psychologist about it. That may help your anxiousness about hospitals. I've never been actually diagnosed, but I am pretty sure that I have PTSD from a rather.. bumpy airline flight about 10 years ago. I REFUSE to fly now, and the thought of flying or planes makes me anxious, so I guess I should heed my own advice. Sadly it's rather expensive to see a physiologist in the US, they are usually not covered by health plans, so the lat decade I have just been dealing with it by not flying, which of course severely limits my travels. I hope your surgeries go well, and you are able to talk to someone about perhaps helping alleviate the anxiety.
that’s fixed point/fixed event ptsd! i have chronic ptsd and what you’re saying is very familiar to what i know of the different facets my illness - and it’s okay! i would suggest seeking some ptsd specific psychiatric treatment, and to definitely move forwards with that before you go ahead with the next part of the surgery! you’re not at all silly for the way you’ve been feeling, but seeing someone for that specifically can help you move forwards with everything, and equip you with the tools to manage. you’re okay, your reaction is natural and normal and there absolutely IS hope. i’ve has ptsd for a lot of my life, and i’d definitely say that having the tools to navigate the stress and the anxiety has helped me a million times over. i definitely suggest having a chat with your GP! wishing you all the best 💖 (i just woke up and i’m really tired so i hope this was coherent!)
It does sound like you have ptsd. My friend suffers from ptsd from being in hospital after an accident and she really struggled. She is getting therapy now which is really helping her. If you are still struggaling it maybe worth looking into therapy to see if that helps at all
Completely understand this one tho I havent had “elective” surgery, I have had 2 c-sections and 3 weeks ago had my gallbladder taken out, when i had my son they damaged a nerve in my back, when i had my daughter i got an infection that should have killed me as i was told by several doctors and nurses, had to be taken in to hospital in much pain on my sons birthday for my gallbladder, i had to stay in for a week before they did it, i am rubbish with needles there were several times i was crying because of having them, i had to walk to theatre i wanted to run in the opposite direction and i dont do running, i was crying and shaking as they took me through to the room where they knock you out, they were all lovely and understanding with me and made me feel as comfortable as possible with it. I did have and still do have a fair bit of pain but it was worth it to know i will never have that pain again. I have no idea how much pain having balls done would be but I completely understand the fear and it is valid it might do you some good to talk to someone in person about it I know it helped me talking to the doctors and nurses, when the time is right for you you will get them just be kind to yourself it was a traumatic experience and you need much longer to heal mentally than physically with these sorts of things xx
What do you think a therapist can do for some one with PTSD anyway? They just make things worse and will put you on drugs. If you want to be healthy...stay way from doctors. They only know how to push drugs and cut people up...they don't specialize in healing or health.
@@sablechicken I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with therapist and it's true there are terrible ones out there but there are also good ones, and it's a very bad idea to advice to people not to get professional help when they might need to. Also, if someone doesn't want to get medication, it's their choice, but not all medication is bad.
I had severe complications after cancer surgery last year, including a bone infection 6months later. Ended up having to have lung surgery again afterward and obviously cancer related surgeries can't be put of.. but The lung surgery went beautifully.. So it's all likelihood that your next procedures will be fine. It's still totally normally to be nervous and scared about it, though. Hell I've had 6 or 7 operations at this point, and only one with complications. I still get nervous every single time. Also definitely agree with those saying to look into post surgical PTSD. I do not have it, but my best friend does. And if it is PTSD it can manifest itself for years and years, so it's best to start treatment for it asap so future you has less to deal with.
I'm only 21 but I have had three surgeries, so I feel like I'm an old pro. One thing that helped me was the fact that the first surgery (knee) I had was the most serious, and the other two (removing a facial congenital nevus) were much more minor. It felt like I had already got the hard one out of the way, and the next two would be easy, and they were. It looks like you might be in a similar position where the next two surgeries you will need will not be as major. It's also good to figure out what kind of reassurance you respond best to. I respond well to probability and facts. If I know that the probability of a surgery having major complications is very low, that will reassure me. It's why I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane because I know that, statistically, walking down the street is more dangerous. You might respond better to a different type of reassurance, so its good to know what that is. Maybe its having Shaaba be with you at the surgery again, maybe its listening to other people talk about their positive surgery experiences, or maybe its talking with your surgeon about every single major complication that can happen so you can be mentally prepared for it. Hope you feel better and good luck with future operations!
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Just take your time to cope with everything that’s gone on so you’ll feel more mentally prepared for it all if/when you decide to go into more surgical procedures. You have a great support system and if you need to seek a professional to speak to about your worries then there’s definitely no shame in it. I wish you all the luck in the world, you’re an awesome and inspiring, and strong person!
obviously i am not an expert, but this sounds like the symptoms of ptsd? if you are really concerned (which i can see you are), you could seek therapy? it might help you understand how you are feeling, and help you to deal with it. sending love and cheery christmas vibes jamie xxx
I'm just repeating what the majority of the other lovely commenters have said, but it definitely sounds like PTSD, bless your heart. Not at all surprising that what you went through has left you feeling like this, but it can and will get better, especially if you talk to a professional about it.
I had my nose reconstructed after breaking it and oh my god I relate. The surgery itself was so much worse than breaking it initially and the heeling process and such. After having complications such as WAKING UP TOO EARLY WITH THE TUBE STILL IN MY THROAT and other issues I can’t even watch hospital tv shows without getting anxiety attacks now!
Thank you for sharing this with us. PTSD is real, and scary, and it's important to talk about it. Find someone who will listen if it's too painful to share so publicly. There are different approaches to it from therapy, to dealing with the same experience again in smaller and then increased exposure and some experiments with psychoactive substances even have helped for soldiers (There are studies in the US). Anything you choose to do about it is better than avoiding it, and please talk to a professional and don't just take advice from a random stranger... 😊
Hey, first time commenting (possibly ever on RUclips, I'm a proper lurker) but I wanted to say that when you've had such a bad experience, it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. I had a completely different surgery (had to have a tooth and enormous cyst removed from my jawbone!) but a similar experience in terms of extreme pain and complications afterwards ... and then 5 years later I was told I had to have the same surgery again. Finding that out and dealing with going back in for the same op a second time was awful even after FIVE years, let alone one - but I did it! You will too. Seems to me you're a strong person with an awesome support network behind you, you can totally do this. For me, it was scary as HELL to walk back into hospital knowing that I was potentially facing the same pain/complications over again. Like you, I just wanted the results without the actual procedure bit! Didn't matter how much I told myself (or was told) that the possibility of complications was really low. Didn't matter that my jaw was literally going to break if I didn't go through with it. I was still terrified of going in, right up until they knocked me out. The second time, though, wasn't nearly so bad - no complications, I healed faster (I think) and because I'd made it into this enormous Thing in my head it actually seemed to be a lot more manageable to deal with the second time around. It wasn't as bad as I expected, because I was expecting the worst. I really hope that the same is true for you. It's hard to "turn off" those feelings of fear when something like that happens to you ... but in a way it can be a good thing? Because anything (literally any amount of pain that is less than last time) seems "good" in comparison to before. I don't know if that makes sense, or if it will help you in any way, but I hope it does. I hope things run smoother next time and the time after that. Sending good thoughts your way.
I just wanted to say that all your videos are very inspiring and it makes me feel like everyone can get through things to be happy. I hope you are happy
I am a person who has PTSD, you are experiencing the classic symptoms. You don't have to suffer through these feelings, there is help. I wish you all the health and happiness for the Yuletide season.
Thank you so much for sharing! The fact that transition surgeries are major medical operations that can have unwanted complications needs to be openly discussed. People list off complications but the list doesn't seem real until it is, as you know. Those complications need to be talked about and understood! I do believe you have some Medical PTSD symptoms. (my daughter has this as well) No harm in getting a therapist to just address the surgery fall out ( if not anything else). Time itself won't make it better or easier. You have to help yourself along how ever that is for you. Best of luck!
Yeah, I agree with the majority. You sent have to be a war veteran to have PTSD, talking about it helps a bit, but you probably should talk to the right person about it. The right person being a counselor or someone. I've had to talk to a counselor about past trauma, she told me I had PTSD and I didn't believe her at first, but it does happen. And it's not just EXTREME PTSD!!! It can be even little things that set it off. You won't go into full panic mode, your brain might just turn on your fear response for things like smelling the same kind of sandwich, or hearing a beeping that sounds like a hospital monitor.
Taking time to move past that traumatic experience is absolutely and 100% a smart thing to do. surgery can be really awful and traumatizing- I've had six in my life with varying degrees of complications/trauma. It's never fun, no matter the reason you're having it. I'm sure many have made this same comment, but counseling would probably be really helpful for you. talking about the experience and learning some strategies to help you cope with the second phase of your surgeries- and just talking through your fears of what might happen- would probably help you get through it. Best of luck!
Completely normal, you have us behind you 😘. 1st to dealing with it. Talk to someone, the doctor. I'm sure he has/had clients that were scared. I had neck surgery, very scary,lost my job even over it, it is a crippling thing.
It is very understandable that you want to feel complete in terms of your medical transition but I would really say take your time. I was very close to getting top surgery and decided against it just 1,5 hours before I was supposed to go under. I really wanted it and still do but it I was just not in the right place for it (mentally and from my life situation). I don't get flashbacks but I'm still struggling with the whole experience and am not ready to have top surgery even though it's the right thing for me. Take your time, get some help, do whatever helps you, you will get there:) all the best 💙
All surgery is trauma and it takes time to recover. When you have complications, it's only natural to feel fearful of going back for more. You may have flashbacks for many years. You will know if and when you're up for dealing with more surgery. Until then, you have to feel whatever feelings you have and let them run their course. Thankfully you have a very supportive woman in your life and lots of friends here on youtube you can lean on when you need to. big hugs!
My friend has had similar experiences with her bottom surgery. She's had to go back for multiple corrective surgeries this year and has had lots of problems with healing in general, I'm not sure if she has the same fears of reoccurring surgeries, but her experience has been relatively similar and I know it's been disheartening to her that she hasn't gotten to really enjoy the results of her surgery. You aren't alone and I hope for the best for you!
yeah, you almost definitely have PTSD. I have it myself and everything your saying makes complete sense and having therapy is honestly life changing and can make it so much easier to do normal things on a daily basis.
For me when I had my mini tummy tuck 2 months ago, the thing that really scared me was being put under rather then the actual surgery. Thankfully, everything was just fine and didn't have any issues. I think maybe if you talk to someone about it who can help you cope with it. I just did all the research I could and spoke to others who had had this or similar things done to get an idea of what to expect. Just know we are all here to support you and you will not have to face this alone.
Jamie, it's understandable what you are feeling considering what you went through. It is probably residual PTSD. Only advice I can give is talk to your surgeon and maybe schedule some psychological sessions with a therapist to get you ready and prepared and try to stay as positive and calm as possible. In my opinion "the only way around the fire is to go through it." Good Luck, much love, hugs, positive vibes, many blessings and it will all be ok, just you wait and see! BTW, you are looking great, your hair, beard, moustache are on point! Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays and blessed 2019!
This is I understand. I had a bad accident (nearly 30 years ago) that broke my hip into 28 pieces. I'm English living in USA and I had a surgeon from Germany fix me (he said that I was like fixing a vase that had been dropped on the floor - you find the big pieces but not the small pieces). I know it's hard to fathom 30 years (at your age), but now I have pain. Terrible pain. I have to see if I need to have surgery again. All I can remember is how horrific the first surgery was. I can't imagine having a 2nd surgery. I see the doctor tomorrow - wish me luck!
as i always say when u post, thank u for talking about this! theres so much pressure as transes to see surgery through rose colored glasses but its a big scary complicated thing! its nice to see more than one perspective on it
Thank you for saying this. I wish you the best moving forward. Though for different reasons a lot of the emotions you express are familiar. After vaginoplasty I had some issues that were less dangerous or physically painful while still emotionally difficult - loss of sensation and function. It legitimately is traumatic to deal with a lot of those situations. I hit a point of deciding to stop seeking treatment to improve the situation because the repeated failures were emotionally destroying me. I recently told someone who was attempting to guilt me into trying again, "I'll try it if you will pay for the therapy I'll need should it fail."
This is why we need to study gynaecology more seriously, especially when it comes to transitioning. It's frustrating just how little we know about gynaecology compared urology. It would help women and men have less painful and scary experiences... I hope you know that this does help, people don't talk about this very often. Someday we'll catch up on all the missing medical knowledge. It'll all be great, but fuck, you're doing a really great thing. It can be really hard and scary going through these things and you're sharing it will help people realize just how important this is.
I can relate. I hadn’t have an experience as bad as you in hospital but i‘m still very anxious now when I have to visit one. Seek Therapie, you don’t have to deal with it on your own.
Me personally i am a pret guy and ive had several surgeries in the past. Any time i have had surgery if the doctors say 98% have no complications im always the 2% that does. I actually still need surgery for other reasons which always scares the hell outta me but the only way i dealt with my fear is to kinda embrace it. Basically everytime i know that surgery is definitely happening i expect worst case senario so that i dont get my hopes up. Obviously you have to believe you are going to be ok as you keep your hopes up high and your head down low so you know the reality but hope for the best. I know that sound contradictory but every surgery has its risks. If you set the bar low you are more happy in the end because of what didnt go wrong rather than focusing on what did go wrong. I wish you the best dude👍
That's such a bad experience, but I do agree, things can go wrong. I can't do any lower surgery, but after going through 3 top surgeries, I'm quite fine with leaving my chest alone for a while, just letting it heal up. Even though I would love to have lower surgery, I had a hysto, hernia, a few exploratory surgeries, my appendix and gall bladder out, plus my body HATES foreign objects left inside it (they left a post surgical clamp in me at one point and it hurt for YEARS until they took it out with my hysto.) I wish you a much better experience with the next ones you have, and I agree with most of the people here that it sounds like you have some PTSD from surgery stuff. *internet hugs to you!*
Talking about issues generally helps. I an sure the hematoma was related to the arterial bleed, although why the surgeon closed the incision if you were bleeding that much is beyond me. The testicular implants should be easy since they are basically just opening the external vulva and popping them in. You will do it when you are ready. HUGS!
I don't think you should be ashamed of having a negative reaction to a thing that is positive longterm. Our brains are sensitive and we can react strongly to any kind of triggering experience. We all have our limits that if passed pushes us over the edge, and it's a perfectly normal biological response. Don't be ashamed of your reaction. You actually had a serious medical emergency with an arterial bleed, so it's perfectly normal to get traumatized. My cat was missing for 23 hours, we found him outside at 3 am, and that was enough for me to get ptsd-like symptoms for 1 1/2 years! I relapsed into my bipolar disorder and had psychotic symptoms, so I am obviously more vulnerable than others, but no one is immune to mental problems. In the wrong situations we naturally break down. And there is no shame in that! But there is help to get, and I do recommend you to talk to a therapist since you display many characteristc symptoms of ptsd. Treatment will very likely benefit you greatly! It will make the other surgeries so much easier for you. Don't suffer in vain. Get help so you can overcome it and get strong again! Much love!
You are so freaking brave. I have panic attacks going to the dentist so i'm probably not great for advice :') HOWEVER it's important to give your mind and body a break if you feel that's what you need regardless of how long it takes or how exciting them changes may be. My boyfriend will be having his surgery at some point so i'm super grateful for all your videos giving such good info. Some men are lucky enough to be born the way they imagine but others have to fight for it. Everything you're feeling is normal, go at your own pace
Thank you so much for all the love and advice everyone! 💛😊
PTSD is really rough. You're almost there though. You're gonna be okay.
Jammidodger Good luck with your possible surgeries, and I hope that things go better this time!
Sending love to you and wishing you patience with yourself! It's ok to feel insecure and anxious after a bad experience.
I deff relate to the flashback aspect but mine is more like a wave of anxiety when i think about the complication. I had top surgery which was fine and awesome. But then I had a hematoma. Bled like a liter and a half in my chest... Emergency surgery the works. It was so painful and very traumatic.
I had surgery right after you did im almost a year post op!
Im so greatful for having my flat chest. But my “waves of anxiety” flashbacks are hard to deal with.
Im just tryingto work through each of them as they happen. And remembering the last time it happened i ended up being fine andjust ridingit out. Wow really sounds likeminor panic attacks.
But i noticed the waves of anxiety arent as frequent and arent as long as they used to. And as my body heals ithink my mind is catching up, and working through the trauma.
All the best to ya Jammi! (hope i spelled it right) My thoughts r with you!
I use positive self-re-programing to help with changing feelings and thoughts that I feel don't serve me well. It might help you. I keep a piece of paper taped to the bathroom mirror and whenever I'm brushing my teeth, washing my face & hands, etc. I repeat them to myself over and over.
Easy one: I have had issues with procrastinating, so I read and say, "I am motivated."
Harder one: I had a bad experience with not enough anesthetic during a procedure and not being listened to about it, so I read and say, "I trust my medical team."
But before I could say that one to myself I did a more loving one and would read and say, "I trust my soul." Because at first, I knew I didn't trust my medical team because they ignored me. But I know I trusted my soul to lead me through the best possible outcome. So I repeated that one until I was comfortable enough to start working on the medical team. I am still reading it daily. I think when I'm able to think about going through it again without having an adverse physical response then I will be ready.
Or start with "Tuna melt paninis are alright and currant jam is okay."
You can get PTSD from surgical experiences. No harm in seeking therapy to discuss and work through it if you feel you need it. They may give you some coping mechanisms if you are in fact near the top of that wait list. Much love xo.
Im getting it and im not even him
I think my imagination/empathy is just too vivid😅
I was about to comment the same thing! Therapists can be amazing in helping plan for the future while taking past traumas into account.
Facts
They don't even have to be major procedures. When I was around 9 or 10 I had a bad experience with an injection and developed a phobia of them. My friend was recently traumatised by having an uncommunicative doctor while she had spinal injections. He didn't talk her through the procedure or warm her about the pain that was likely to occur. All medical procedures are scary and this isn't considered enough in health care.
rebecca carss I had a breast cancer scare and the surgery went wrong. I refuse to go back under.
“the cat is sneezing...are you okay sweetheart”
you are such a sweet wholesome bean. i just want someone to love me the way Jamie loves his cat 😭
I agree
Same here
Yep I do too
A sweet wholesome bean? Like a soy bean covered in sugarless chocolate?
Me too!
It sounds a lot like PTSD which often happens when surgery goes wrong/major medical procedure occurs. I've been really lucky that any medical procedure I've had has gone well but my parents (I was a minor when they occurred) were made aware that I should probably get therapy or counselling if something went wrong because it is still trauma. Trauma to the body and trauma to the mind. It's just something that happens and it sounds like you've had a helluva time.
I might even have it from some tests/scans they used to do with dye and a catheter for my kidneys it was painful and uncomfortable I was fully awake and you were basically bound to the table by a giant machine that went over your lower half so it hurt I had no idea what they were actually doing and I was like a terrified 8 year old at the time because of that and just cause it hurts I really don't like even going to the dentist to be poked and prodded at cause I get panicy that I have no control... however I always say if they loop me up for stuff ir put me under we'd all feel a lot better. As far as I know when I went in for my actual operation I had no reaction to the drugs, felt nothing at all cause I was put under. And I genuinely only remember smelling watermellon scented gas or medicine and watching pokemon for a bit before I went in for surgery. Basically I'd really like to be put under when and if I can even though it worries profeasionals to do that. Just cause well... I'd rather be doing that than screaming bloody murder at getting blood drawn just because I really thought I wasn't gonna need to be stabbed at with things. Pretty much that and a shot series I decided is genuinely kinda useless to my life have given me enough trust issues since the stuff as a kid I go back only if it's zo bad I can't deal.
Definitely sounds like PTSD.. You should definitely see someone to talk about your trauma, so sorry you had to go through that xxx
Sweet Jamie pleaae talk with a professional about PTSD. I had breast cancer 22 years ago and mental side effects were worse than the diseaae itself. I could not look at anything pink (do you know how many pink ribbons were thrown my way???) I couldn't watch Saturday Night Live for 15 years because i risked seeing an old skit with Gilda Radner who died of cancer which means i couldn't watch anything with her husband Gene Wilder. I had to move to another city because i would flash back everywhere i went. I kept fainting so they thought cancer came back as a brain tumor. Was anxiety. It took years to be diagnosed with PTSD but now at least when I flash i know what is happening. My case is extreme but the worst are the years lost to the mental trauma. I love your videos and think you and Shaba are so precious and tell everyone about you. Much love from across the pond xoxo
You dear sweet lady, I wish I could give you a hug...
cindytuccelli1 you seem like such a sweet lady. i’m so sorry that happened to you. *hugs*
Aus Faux you’d think that after being told such a personal and sincere story you’d have something more important to say than a spelling correction
@@kae2489 never meant any harm with it, stupid decision on my part. Just wanted to leave a friendly reminder. My reaction to the comment was genuine, so I left it out. (I realize that sounds stupid now...)
@@Aussywoo thank you so very much for the correction. I'm so ashamed that when I went back to proof read what I typed on my tiny phone with 54 year old eyes I missed that awful error. I'm sure it ruined the whole message I was trying to convey to Jamie. I also misspelled please.
I think it makes total sense to be scared after that experience, and to have such conflicted feelings. Virtual hugs from Texas.
My cats sneezing... Are you okay sweetie?
Please, if you haven't already, watch Hannah Witton's video about surgical PTSD because this sounds so similar. It might be helpful to speak to a professional about how you feel.
Amber Proffit-Mouland I second this! I’ve not personally had surgery so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this subject and she definitely broke it down in a way that was easy to understand!
I had/have it when I had neck surgery, it can cripple you. Thanks for suggesting.
Love Jamie and we are all looking after him
Thank you Amber for mentioning that video. I just watched it myself and it's great.
I agree you are suffering from PTSD. I had an epidural that went really bad 2nd surgery but had to do it again 3rd surgery. They gave me something to mellow me out these were C sections.
Bobbie Abbott oh god that’s my worst fear. Hopefully things went better the third time
I think it's good you understand that you can be gentle with your body and your mind, even after coming out of something that was clearly traumatic. And you are willing to share that with your viewers in a way that explains to them the postive and negative of surgery. Thank you, Jamie
when i was a teenager i had an operation and was given that banana flavoured penicillin for weeks after and the smell or taste of that artificial banana years after made me feel physically sick. one day in my early 20s i bought a bag of banana chewy sweets that smelled just the same and i just sat and ate the bag (it was a small bag but still) and i realised i kinda liked the taste so i enjoyed them and haven't had an issue with it since, it took a long time so you need time and also when you feel ready then triumphantly eat the jam and the paninis and remind yourself that its just yummy food and that you can move on and not associate them with the pain and build up to not associating the surgery with the pain so you can go have more done
Omg banana medicine 😷 maybe that's why I can't eat bananas too
penicillin was flavored and colored like bubble gum where I grew up. I was too young to really understand that you can't just drink the medicine whenever, so my mom had to hide it as best she could from me. It was really yummy, lol. Now, as an adult, I really dislike bubble gum flavored things.
With that much pain, misery and angst, you of all people deserves to have the biggest balls money can buy. And can be fitted. Go get'em!
he has the huuuugest emotional balls! lol
It certainly sounds like PTSD. Which is not surprising as this sounds like it was a completely traumatic experience for you. Definitely seek therapy to help you process these memories. I'm not a professional but I personally did EMDR therapy for my trauma. It's essentially supposed to help you process everything to make everything feel less raw and help you to become more at peace with what happened. I am sure there are many other professional therapies and methods too!
The FB algorithm showed me this video, I was so happy to have some kind of insights on the differences of feeling between female/male genitals and than, lost the video before I could finish it. I was so sad! I looked for it with keywords and finally found it! Thank younfor sharing! This is very instructive! I am happy you had the support to be you completely!
Your shoulders are looking so strong and broad now 😮
Yah i just commented the same
I didn’t notice until you pointed it out, but you are totally right!
Shoulder boi
Shoulder boi
*s h o u l d e r b o i*
100% how I felt about my C-section. Love that it gave me my child, hated the experience (especially the being awake during surgery part).
I think it's so important that you share your feelings on this topic with us! Sometimes it feels like surgeries get kinda glorified in the 'trans community' but they're actually not that much fun at all lmao I just had top surgery and I freakin love my result but the whole hospital thing and especially the taking care of your own scars afterwards at home is super weird if you've never done anything like that. More people should talk about all aspects of surgery!
Feeling so happy seeing such heartwarming comments.. passing my love & respect to all of you.. The world is not so bad after all.. people like u make this world a better place to live in..
I can so understand the feeling of, as you said, being between a rock and a hard place. So frustrating and sometimes agonising to feel the need to get something done or change something in your life but being too scared to do it.
It sounds like PTSD. It is pretty normal after surgary gone wrong. Therapy might be a good way to deal with it. I hope you feel better soon and never have anything like that happen again
Thank you for your honesty and frankness, it's something that's needed. Everyone is different, however, I greatly appreciate honesty like this and it helps me with my decisions. Complications like that could very well kill me, so reading er watching honest discussions like that has helped. I am going to have top surgery but am drawing the line at anything else. For me, the risks outweigh the benefits, as for how your feeling. Speaking as someone that has PTSD, that what it seems like. Talk therapy might help or CBT therapy, even just learning ways of taking care of yourself in moments like that.
I've had a fair few times where things have gone wrong medically - and those times where things are just getting worse and worse and there's nothing you can do and you're in pain and all news seems to be bad news etc etc it's traumatic as hell!! It deffo is something to consider discussing with a Dr to make the next stages of surgery easier. For me, as few things help really. The main thing is talking as much as possible - especially with people who were there. It can help to clarify your memories and it can help give things perspective (some things we minimise and some things we dramatize and it's worth trying to get a clear memory of what really happened). Talking with medical professionals can be really useful - often things sound and feel utterly terrifying when it happens to us and it feels like things are spiralling out of control when actually we aren't in any real danger, for example, having watched your videos I think most of the pain relief they gave you was morphine (mainly orally) and I promise that if your pain had kept getting worse and had reached unbearable levels there are LOADS of stronger things they can give you. So whilst to you it will have felt like you were maxed out on pain relief and still in pain (which is a scary position to be in) there are more things they could have done if they'd needed to. I find that talking through worst case scenarios like that helpful so I see that things were in more control than they felt (So worst case scenario your pain kept increasing insanely then they'd have given you something stronger which would have calmed everything down a lot etc).
Idk. Everyone is different but that's the sort of stuff I reassure myself with. I hope you can start to feel better soon :)
It totally makes sense to be traumatized after all that!! I'm still waiting to get top surgery and I'm pretty scared, but I've had surgeries before (chronic sinus issues) and luckily my experiences haven't been TERRIBLE. I'm so happy that you're doing better now. Just remember that there's no rush for you to get more surgery; wait until you're mentally ready and you feel like you've moved past your bad experience. You're very brave
I feel you. I was hit by a car in sept and had emergency surgery to repair an extremely broken leg from which I'm still recovering. I will have to go back in a year for another long operation to remove all the hardware in my bones and this occurs to me at random moments (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep) and makes me feel panicky. I strongly recommend speaking with your dr about the mental/emotional effect of your medical procedures and maybe getting a referral to a mental health clinic. Learning more about trauma related to emergency, life and death experiences and the resulting medical stuff has been SO helpful for me to notice and manage my stress and fear of future intervention or injury. Best of luck!!
It's important to bring up information like this, in my opinion. I recently had top surgery, and the entire recovery process caught me quite off-guard. No one I talked to ever mentioned the recovering process being that extensive, and I think that if I had been made aware of it beforehand, I would have dealt better with it while being there myself.
So sorry to hear that Jamie! Surgery is rough, even though it’s something we fight for
Omg! I feel this so hard! I will never have another surgery again. I'm 12 days post-op from top surgery and there were complications. I had a very large hematoma (that they didn't know about until the second surgery) in the right side of my chest and my blood pressure kept bottoming out and I kept passing out. I was taken back into surgery the next morning to find out what was going on. I ended up having to have a substantial amount of blood and fluids put back into my body. I came out of surgery the second time doing better, but I will never have another surgery. And had I known things would go wrong with this one, I wouldn't have had it. It's such a scary feeling to be so out of control of your body and not being able to function. Never again. I'm actually going to go back to my therapist and work on the trauma from surgery.
Really sorry for your horrific experience Rónán, and I'm glad you can work through it with a therapist.
@@franklittle thanks. It has been the worst surgical recovery I've ever had. I'm thankful that my therapist will be able to help me process it.
So sad omg. Cutting apart healthy body parts is just wrong.
Thank you for always being so honest in your videos. Your content is so informative and I think you must help so many people just from sharing your experiences like this. I hope you are feeling a lot better. You have been through so much!
I understand where you’re coming from. I had PTSD after going through treatment for breast cancer. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but as the years go by I’m having less flashbacks and it just seems to get less severe. I hope that’s normal and that it gets better for you, too, sweetie :)
Jamie! Thanks for the video! No one talks enough about how confusing it can be to simultaneously traumatized by and happy about an event (like transition surgeries).
I noticed a lot of people throwing out the idea that you may be suffering from PTSD. I wanted to say, that even if you don't think your symptoms are constant or impairing enough to warrant PTSD, you have at least a couple of the symptoms.
Please look into EMDR. It may not be right for you, but it's a treatment used for PTSD that occurred from a clearly defined, one-time event, such as a medical procedure or an explosion.
LOOK INTO THE "FACE OF JESUS). YOU NEED SPIRITUAL HELP FOR EVERY AREA OF YOUR LIFE.
I agree watching Hannah Witton's video is good. I had major surgery as a teenager and it left me very terrified of ever having to go under the knife again. It's important to remember that surgery is trauma to the body and that can affect your brain. Seeing someone can help you sort out those feelings and process them.
*P e e n* ™️
may I play on you
Love your name
Painus
joshua dun's drum set ooo you are legendary
Anni Psy
paainuus
what?
painus
penis?
no painus. like pig,, anus??
no dude, you’re saying penis
Thank you for sharing this. I had a lot of complications from my top surgery and I’m also traumatized. I’m scared to get any further surgeries and I’m not sure if I can go without them. I don’t pass well currently and without body contouring surgery and facial reconstruction the only thing I can do is go back in the closet for a few years until I’ve been on t long enough to be read as male by strangers. I’m absolutely devastated. I’ve spent my entire recovery post op time just crying and crying. Glad I got the top surgery because I needed my chest gone desperately but my god am I traumatized
Awe sweetie, you take your time. When you are more mentally ready then you will know its the right time. In the mean time, you keep being you! sending you much love!
My sister had surgery once and needed to eat lots of fruit during her painful recovery, so my mum bought her lots of grapes, which my sister loved and which were hard to get where we lived.
She hasn't been able to eat another grape since, because she associates them with the pain she was in at the time.
So, yeah, you're not alone in that.
I've had multiple unrelated-to-being-trans surgeries (I was born with heart and skeletal defects), and let me tell you, I NEVER want to have any surgery ever again!!! I totally relate with that. I am completely non-op because of my past surgical experiences.
Dear sweet young man, it is perfectly understandable that you are afraid. This is not anything you need to do immediately. Please give it more time. Even if they call you, explain your situation and ask to have more time. Hopefully this fear will subside over time and you can have your surgery when you are mentally prepared.
Maybe just a bit different, but for myself I had a terrible experience during childbirth where we both were tachycardic and I got an infection during my labour and now it is almost 2 years since and I'm still terrified about the thought of having another child. Those kinds of experiences really do make it hard when you have complications. The panic attacks are really hard to deal with so I know for myself I've been practicing "grounding" myself. But honestly even though it is a less invasive surgery for you, it still is surgery and the memories won't go away. Wishing you the best!
I'm pre top and bottom but I've had a reduction which went well and this video is what I really needed. Thank you for sharing all of these things with us. Also, I have PTSD from abuse and rape and this definitely sounds like PTSD, whether that's exactly what it is or not, your feelings are very valid and worth exploring ideally professionally as well as in forums like this. I'm not trying to be an ass, I have therapy twice a week. I hope you start to feel better soon. Thank you so much for this video. You are such a gift to the trans community.
Two weeks after my hysterectomy I had to go back into hospital with appendicitis and severe peritonitis. The doctors couldn't even tell if it was connected to the previous surgery but it scared the hell out of me when it happened. I remember being deeply relieved that there was no other planned surgery ahead of me. So I totally get you.
Having flashbacks etc. sounds like something you definitly should deal with in some way. Discussing it with a therapist or friends (or with your youtube audience) might help. It's good, I think, that you are facing up to it and not trying to suppress it.
Thank you a lot for talking about this actually. I freaked out and shut down when I tried to schedule top surgery 4 months ago and I haven’t called back.
The whole idea of having surgery just makes me panic and I always felt unreasonably weak for that because so much of trans surgery’s publicity is how wonderful and life changing it is.
Like, yeah it might be fantastic to have a flat chest, but I still have to go through the build up and the waiting and the needles and the having someone slice my chest open, scoop out some shit, and sew it back up. That’s fucking terrifying on every theoretical and visceral level I can think of.
I understand to a degree where you're coming from. I've been hospitalized several times and have had shit happen directly afterwards (had to have emergency gall bladder surgery, fluid in my abdomen, had to be readmitted, etc.) so It's like I've come to just be super anxious about discharge from the hospital and just to assume shit's going to go bad. That aside, I wanted to say thank you so much for the real talk about surgery. I feel like in the trans world there's really not enough real talk about surgery, the aftermath and healing, and the imperfect results. Everyone's just *YAY SURGERY* and yeah, it's fucking awesome - because so many of us struggle to afford it and the societal implications are so heavy as well that we just want to cheer when it comes. But - I feel like there's this whole glossing over of how big of a deal it actually is. I'm about six weeks out from top surgery and still having pain - I've got a bit of dog earring under my pits and there's a bit of excess fat at the midline where my incisions come close together. It's been a tough road uphill but I'm getting there. Thank god I had the forethought to actually talk to some guys about their surgeries so I had some clue as to what to expect. You see all these happy doped up guys hours/days after their surgeries and its like.. that's not real life. Anyways. Thanks for posting this. I am starting T soon so bottom surgery isn't anywhere near my future and honestly - after seeing your videos and the reality of it (not including complications) i don't think it's a path I want to go down - I don't want people mucking around in my pants.
Medical ptsd is a very real problem and it sucks. It's more than understandable that you're feeling this way after your experience!
oh man just hearing about your pain and bad experiences hurt bits that I don't even have. =/ I'm so sorry you went through that. I agree with others about therapy related to surgery though! It might be helpful since you're wanting to have surgeries in the future. You deserve to have the body you want and you deserve to not let your bad experience keep you from getting the results you want for yourself.
Difficult to know how you'll react... I had a massive panic attack in the theatre prep room when I was 16 and thought after that it could only get worse, I've actually been fine since. I think just remembering it's a decision you've made for all the right reasons helps, also take biscuits for after, something to look forward to.
my grandfather is prone to surgery complications too and i saw how things like this can not only hurt someone's body, but also their spirit. Please stay safe, you are not alone and you are loved.
I wish you luck jamie, you are a very cheery guy and you deserve to get everything you want. I like that you share these experiences and the realities of surgeries etc. Love your videos, I would like to see shaaba put makeup on you or something i think that would be a fun video 😄💙
How do you look better and better in each video?
Of course I am no doctor or psychologist, but it honestly sounds like you might have PTSD. One can get PTSD from any traumatic event, including hospital visits. I am not sure how easy or hard it is to talk to someone in the UK, but if you can, I would really seriously consider talking to a psychologist about it. That may help your anxiousness about hospitals. I've never been actually diagnosed, but I am pretty sure that I have PTSD from a rather.. bumpy airline flight about 10 years ago. I REFUSE to fly now, and the thought of flying or planes makes me anxious, so I guess I should heed my own advice. Sadly it's rather expensive to see a physiologist in the US, they are usually not covered by health plans, so the lat decade I have just been dealing with it by not flying, which of course severely limits my travels. I hope your surgeries go well, and you are able to talk to someone about perhaps helping alleviate the anxiety.
that’s fixed point/fixed event ptsd! i have chronic ptsd and what you’re saying is very familiar to what i know of the different facets my illness - and it’s okay! i would suggest seeking some ptsd specific psychiatric treatment, and to definitely move forwards with that before you go ahead with the next part of the surgery! you’re not at all silly for the way you’ve been feeling, but seeing someone for that specifically can help you move forwards with everything, and equip you with the tools to manage. you’re okay, your reaction is natural and normal and there absolutely IS hope. i’ve has ptsd for a lot of my life, and i’d definitely say that having the tools to navigate the stress and the anxiety has helped me a million times over. i definitely suggest having a chat with your GP! wishing you all the best 💖 (i just woke up and i’m really tired so i hope this was coherent!)
It does sound like you have ptsd. My friend suffers from ptsd from being in hospital after an accident and she really struggled. She is getting therapy now which is really helping her. If you are still struggaling it maybe worth looking into therapy to see if that helps at all
Completely understand this one tho I havent had “elective” surgery, I have had 2 c-sections and 3 weeks ago had my gallbladder taken out, when i had my son they damaged a nerve in my back, when i had my daughter i got an infection that should have killed me as i was told by several doctors and nurses, had to be taken in to hospital in much pain on my sons birthday for my gallbladder, i had to stay in for a week before they did it, i am rubbish with needles there were several times i was crying because of having them, i had to walk to theatre i wanted to run in the opposite direction and i dont do running, i was crying and shaking as they took me through to the room where they knock you out, they were all lovely and understanding with me and made me feel as comfortable as possible with it. I did have and still do have a fair bit of pain but it was worth it to know i will never have that pain again. I have no idea how much pain having balls done would be but I completely understand the fear and it is valid it might do you some good to talk to someone in person about it I know it helped me talking to the doctors and nurses, when the time is right for you you will get them just be kind to yourself it was a traumatic experience and you need much longer to heal mentally than physically with these sorts of things xx
hey jamie! hospital trauma is tough and real and it's okay not to be okay. I hope you can get some good counselling to help you recover
You may have PTSD, you may want to talk about it to a therapist.
Good thing he's never been in a war. He'd be a mental zombie.
you don’t have to have experienced war to have PTSD. Just a heads up
What do you think a therapist can do for some one with PTSD anyway?
They just make things worse and will put you on drugs.
If you want to be healthy...stay way from doctors. They only know how to push drugs and cut people up...they don't specialize in healing or health.
@@sablechicken I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with therapist and it's true there are terrible ones out there but there are also good ones, and it's a very bad idea to advice to people not to get professional help when they might need to. Also, if someone doesn't want to get medication, it's their choice, but not all medication is bad.
@@PhoenixProdLLC You don't have to have experienced war to have PTSD, your comment is pretty insensitive and ignorant.
I had severe complications after cancer surgery last year, including a bone infection 6months later. Ended up having to have lung surgery again afterward and obviously cancer related surgeries can't be put of.. but The lung surgery went beautifully.. So it's all likelihood that your next procedures will be fine. It's still totally normally to be nervous and scared about it, though. Hell I've had 6 or 7 operations at this point, and only one with complications. I still get nervous every single time. Also definitely agree with those saying to look into post surgical PTSD. I do not have it, but my best friend does. And if it is PTSD it can manifest itself for years and years, so it's best to start treatment for it asap so future you has less to deal with.
I'm only 21 but I have had three surgeries, so I feel like I'm an old pro. One thing that helped me was the fact that the first surgery (knee) I had was the most serious, and the other two (removing a facial congenital nevus) were much more minor. It felt like I had already got the hard one out of the way, and the next two would be easy, and they were. It looks like you might be in a similar position where the next two surgeries you will need will not be as major. It's also good to figure out what kind of reassurance you respond best to. I respond well to probability and facts. If I know that the probability of a surgery having major complications is very low, that will reassure me. It's why I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane because I know that, statistically, walking down the street is more dangerous. You might respond better to a different type of reassurance, so its good to know what that is. Maybe its having Shaaba be with you at the surgery again, maybe its listening to other people talk about their positive surgery experiences, or maybe its talking with your surgeon about every single major complication that can happen so you can be mentally prepared for it. Hope you feel better and good luck with future operations!
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Just take your time to cope with everything that’s gone on so you’ll feel more mentally prepared for it all if/when you decide to go into more surgical procedures. You have a great support system and if you need to seek a professional to speak to about your worries then there’s definitely no shame in it. I wish you all the luck in the world, you’re an awesome and inspiring, and strong person!
obviously i am not an expert, but this sounds like the symptoms of ptsd? if you are really concerned (which i can see you are), you could seek therapy? it might help you understand how you are feeling, and help you to deal with it. sending love and cheery christmas vibes jamie xxx
Hopefully the next surgeries go super smoothly!! (Also notification squad hell yea👌🏻)
I think this is a super important thing to discuss because surgery is hard and scary and even if you need it to survive it can be difficult. 💜
I'm just repeating what the majority of the other lovely commenters have said, but it definitely sounds like PTSD, bless your heart. Not at all surprising that what you went through has left you feeling like this, but it can and will get better, especially if you talk to a professional about it.
I had my nose reconstructed after breaking it and oh my god I relate. The surgery itself was so much worse than breaking it initially and the heeling process and such. After having complications such as WAKING UP TOO EARLY WITH THE TUBE STILL IN MY THROAT and other issues I can’t even watch hospital tv shows without getting anxiety attacks now!
My cat was sneezing at the same time as yours...I was like how did you know my cats sneezing?😱 then realized you meant yours
Oh my God😍😍😍 when the cat sneezed the way you said "you ok sweetheart " THIS is what i want to hear everyday!
Thank you for sharing this with us. PTSD is real, and scary, and it's important to talk about it. Find someone who will listen if it's too painful to share so publicly. There are different approaches to it from therapy, to dealing with the same experience again in smaller and then increased exposure and some experiments with psychoactive substances even have helped for soldiers (There are studies in the US).
Anything you choose to do about it is better than avoiding it, and please talk to a professional and don't just take advice from a random stranger... 😊
Hey, first time commenting (possibly ever on RUclips, I'm a proper lurker) but I wanted to say that when you've had such a bad experience, it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. I had a completely different surgery (had to have a tooth and enormous cyst removed from my jawbone!) but a similar experience in terms of extreme pain and complications afterwards ... and then 5 years later I was told I had to have the same surgery again.
Finding that out and dealing with going back in for the same op a second time was awful even after FIVE years, let alone one - but I did it! You will too. Seems to me you're a strong person with an awesome support network behind you, you can totally do this.
For me, it was scary as HELL to walk back into hospital knowing that I was potentially facing the same pain/complications over again. Like you, I just wanted the results without the actual procedure bit! Didn't matter how much I told myself (or was told) that the possibility of complications was really low. Didn't matter that my jaw was literally going to break if I didn't go through with it. I was still terrified of going in, right up until they knocked me out.
The second time, though, wasn't nearly so bad - no complications, I healed faster (I think) and because I'd made it into this enormous Thing in my head it actually seemed to be a lot more manageable to deal with the second time around. It wasn't as bad as I expected, because I was expecting the worst. I really hope that the same is true for you. It's hard to "turn off" those feelings of fear when something like that happens to you ... but in a way it can be a good thing? Because anything (literally any amount of pain that is less than last time) seems "good" in comparison to before. I don't know if that makes sense, or if it will help you in any way, but I hope it does. I hope things run smoother next time and the time after that. Sending good thoughts your way.
I just wanted to say that all your videos are very inspiring and it makes me feel like everyone can get through things to be happy. I hope you are happy
I am a person who has PTSD, you are experiencing the classic symptoms. You don't have to suffer through these feelings, there is help. I wish you all the health and happiness for the Yuletide season.
Thank you so much for sharing! The fact that transition surgeries are major medical operations that can have unwanted complications needs to be openly discussed. People list off complications but the list doesn't seem real until it is, as you know. Those complications need to be talked about and understood! I do believe you have some Medical PTSD symptoms. (my daughter has this as well) No harm in getting a therapist to just address the surgery fall out ( if not anything else). Time itself won't make it better or easier. You have to help yourself along how ever that is for you. Best of luck!
Yeah, I agree with the majority. You sent have to be a war veteran to have PTSD, talking about it helps a bit, but you probably should talk to the right person about it. The right person being a counselor or someone.
I've had to talk to a counselor about past trauma, she told me I had PTSD and I didn't believe her at first, but it does happen. And it's not just EXTREME PTSD!!! It can be even little things that set it off. You won't go into full panic mode, your brain might just turn on your fear response for things like smelling the same kind of sandwich, or hearing a beeping that sounds like a hospital monitor.
Taking time to move past that traumatic experience is absolutely and 100% a smart thing to do. surgery can be really awful and traumatizing- I've had six in my life with varying degrees of complications/trauma. It's never fun, no matter the reason you're having it. I'm sure many have made this same comment, but counseling would probably be really helpful for you. talking about the experience and learning some strategies to help you cope with the second phase of your surgeries- and just talking through your fears of what might happen- would probably help you get through it. Best of luck!
* cat sneezing * “are you okay sweetheart?” JAMIE WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SWEET HUMAN OMG
Time stamp?
1:54
Completely normal, you have us behind you 😘. 1st to dealing with it. Talk to someone, the doctor. I'm sure he has/had clients that were scared.
I had neck surgery, very scary,lost my job even over it, it is a crippling thing.
I love how he just stops the whole medical grossness then just goes- you okay sweetie to the cat
It is very understandable that you want to feel complete in terms of your medical transition but I would really say take your time. I was very close to getting top surgery and decided against it just 1,5 hours before I was supposed to go under. I really wanted it and still do but it I was just not in the right place for it (mentally and from my life situation). I don't get flashbacks but I'm still struggling with the whole experience and am not ready to have top surgery even though it's the right thing for me. Take your time, get some help, do whatever helps you, you will get there:) all the best 💙
I’m sorry you are having anxiety about this. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s a drastic surgery. Take care ❤
"And the cat sneezed. Are you okay sweetheart?" Awwwwwwwww omg that was the nicest cutest thing ever
All surgery is trauma and it takes time to recover. When you have complications, it's only natural to feel fearful of going back for more. You may have flashbacks for many years. You will know if and when you're up for dealing with more surgery. Until then, you have to feel whatever feelings you have and let them run their course. Thankfully you have a very supportive woman in your life and lots of friends here on youtube you can lean on when you need to. big hugs!
My friend has had similar experiences with her bottom surgery. She's had to go back for multiple corrective surgeries this year and has had lots of problems with healing in general, I'm not sure if she has the same fears of reoccurring surgeries, but her experience has been relatively similar and I know it's been disheartening to her that she hasn't gotten to really enjoy the results of her surgery. You aren't alone and I hope for the best for you!
yeah, you almost definitely have PTSD. I have it myself and everything your saying makes complete sense and having therapy is honestly life changing and can make it so much easier to do normal things on a daily basis.
Hugs 🫂, Love ❤️ & Positive Vibes Sent ✨️ to you Jammie 🌻🙏
For me when I had my mini tummy tuck 2 months ago, the thing that really scared me was being put under rather then the actual surgery. Thankfully, everything was just fine and didn't have any issues. I think maybe if you talk to someone about it who can help you cope with it. I just did all the research I could and spoke to others who had had this or similar things done to get an idea of what to expect. Just know we are all here to support you and you will not have to face this alone.
Jamie, it's understandable what you are feeling considering what you went through. It is probably residual PTSD. Only advice I can give is talk to your surgeon and maybe schedule some psychological sessions with a therapist to get you ready and prepared and try to stay as positive and calm as possible. In my opinion "the only way around the fire is to go through it." Good Luck, much love, hugs, positive vibes, many blessings and it will all be ok, just you wait and see! BTW, you are looking great, your hair, beard, moustache are on point! Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays and blessed 2019!
This is I understand. I had a bad accident (nearly 30 years ago) that broke my hip into 28 pieces. I'm English living in USA and I had a surgeon from Germany fix me (he said that I was like fixing a vase that had been dropped on the floor - you find the big pieces but not the small pieces). I know it's hard to fathom 30 years (at your age), but now I have pain. Terrible pain. I have to see if I need to have surgery again. All I can remember is how horrific the first surgery was. I can't imagine having a 2nd surgery. I see the doctor tomorrow - wish me luck!
as i always say when u post, thank u for talking about this! theres so much pressure as transes to see surgery through rose colored glasses but its a big scary complicated thing! its nice to see more than one perspective on it
Thank you for saying this. I wish you the best moving forward.
Though for different reasons a lot of the emotions you express are familiar. After vaginoplasty I had some issues that were less dangerous or physically painful while still emotionally difficult - loss of sensation and function. It legitimately is traumatic to deal with a lot of those situations. I hit a point of deciding to stop seeking treatment to improve the situation because the repeated failures were emotionally destroying me. I recently told someone who was attempting to guilt me into trying again, "I'll try it if you will pay for the therapy I'll need should it fail."
This is why we need to study gynaecology more seriously, especially when it comes to transitioning. It's frustrating just how little we know about gynaecology compared urology. It would help women and men have less painful and scary experiences...
I hope you know that this does help, people don't talk about this very often. Someday we'll catch up on all the missing medical knowledge. It'll all be great, but fuck, you're doing a really great thing. It can be really hard and scary going through these things and you're sharing it will help people realize just how important this is.
I can relate. I hadn’t have an experience as bad as you in hospital but i‘m still very anxious now when I have to visit one.
Seek Therapie, you don’t have to deal with it on your own.
Me personally i am a pret guy and ive had several surgeries in the past. Any time i have had surgery if the doctors say 98% have no complications im always the 2% that does. I actually still need surgery for other reasons which always scares the hell outta me but the only way i dealt with my fear is to kinda embrace it. Basically everytime i know that surgery is definitely happening i expect worst case senario so that i dont get my hopes up. Obviously you have to believe you are going to be ok as you keep your hopes up high and your head down low so you know the reality but hope for the best. I know that sound contradictory but every surgery has its risks. If you set the bar low you are more happy in the end because of what didnt go wrong rather than focusing on what did go wrong. I wish you the best dude👍
Damn Ive never been so fast at clicking. Watching it now!
That's such a bad experience, but I do agree, things can go wrong. I can't do any lower surgery, but after going through 3 top surgeries, I'm quite fine with leaving my chest alone for a while, just letting it heal up. Even though I would love to have lower surgery, I had a hysto, hernia, a few exploratory surgeries, my appendix and gall bladder out, plus my body HATES foreign objects left inside it (they left a post surgical clamp in me at one point and it hurt for YEARS until they took it out with my hysto.) I wish you a much better experience with the next ones you have, and I agree with most of the people here that it sounds like you have some PTSD from surgery stuff. *internet hugs to you!*
* calls the cat sweetheart *
* wholesome masculinity spotting *
❤️
Talking about issues generally helps. I an sure the hematoma was related to the arterial bleed, although why the surgeon closed the incision if you were bleeding that much is beyond me. The testicular implants should be easy since they are basically just opening the external vulva and popping them in. You will do it when you are ready. HUGS!
So sorry to hear about your lower surgery struggles Jammi dear
Sounds like PTSD. It's okay to be scared about it, I would be too. Much love. 💖
I don't think you should be ashamed of having a negative reaction to a thing that is positive longterm. Our brains are sensitive and we can react strongly to any kind of triggering experience. We all have our limits that if passed pushes us over the edge, and it's a perfectly normal biological response. Don't be ashamed of your reaction. You actually had a serious medical emergency with an arterial bleed, so it's perfectly normal to get traumatized.
My cat was missing for 23 hours, we found him outside at 3 am, and that was enough for me to get ptsd-like symptoms for 1 1/2 years! I relapsed into my bipolar disorder and had psychotic symptoms, so I am obviously more vulnerable than others, but no one is immune to mental problems. In the wrong situations we naturally break down. And there is no shame in that!
But there is help to get, and I do recommend you to talk to a therapist since you display many characteristc symptoms of ptsd. Treatment will very likely benefit you greatly! It will make the other surgeries so much easier for you. Don't suffer in vain. Get help so you can overcome it and get strong again!
Much love!
Omg when he called the cat sweetheart 😊☺️😘
You are so freaking brave. I have panic attacks going to the dentist so i'm probably not great for advice :') HOWEVER it's important to give your mind and body a break if you feel that's what you need regardless of how long it takes or how exciting them changes may be. My boyfriend will be having his surgery at some point so i'm super grateful for all your videos giving such good info. Some men are lucky enough to be born the way they imagine but others have to fight for it. Everything you're feeling is normal, go at your own pace
Jamie after the cat sneezed saying “you ok sweetheart” reminded me of Tom Daley always saying “you ok hun” 😂 anyways it was adorable and made me smile