My favourite line from this rant: "Now Keira Knightley's acting has always been wooden but this time it is like a petrified forest of wooden, You really feel like you can build a nice piece of IKEA furniture around her performance."
"Really, if you go and pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault, and you're bringing down the collapse of Western civilization". This is why Kermode is by far my favourite critic.
This is why he is an idiot. Overexaggeration at it's best and not even funny. Just because of some dumb movie, but it seems he finds people who think of statements as these as intelligent.
Lots of hate for Mayo here. You gotta maybe listen to their full show or podcast to understand their vibe. They bicker and banter like an old married couple, this is a part of their appeal.
+gun1987gunn agreed! first one was good, it did have a plot that was easy to follow. Pirates 2 i thought was good but lost it's way when james norrington turned up and became a bit of a mess after that with too many plots going on! Pirates 3 on the other hand was 168 minutes i'll never get back! Totally agree with mark's review here, there were a couple of decent moments towards the end, but my overriding feelin was utter boredom and confusion!
There's a corner of British humor I didn't quite get until I started watching Simon Mayo do his stone cold counterpart to mark´s losing it over a bad film. Sometimes he just does the quickest, expressionless glance at the camera and it is hilarious.
I love that this was broadcast at a golf tournament.. some of the finest golfers in the world gather to play, meanwhile one of the finest movie rants is taking place at the same time. I'd like to see a Kermode/Mayo 5 Live show live at an NBA game or a UFC fight.
The reason why I think Johnny's performance worked so well in the first movie, is because the script writer envisioned Jack Sparrow to be a bland, overly charming, typical Disney's "loveable rogue". (I know this because he wanted Hugh Jackman to play the part) Johnny saw the script, and made the character his own, adding twists and making a lot of the producers really nervous. After the writers saw Johnny's performance and realized people loved it, they started writing for Johnny's Jack, going completely overboard with the "jester" trope Johnny added himself, making the character unanchored.
Seems so; Kermode seemed to love Craig going out on a limb with Benoit Blanc, and seems to have carried it well with Glass Onion as well (I would say "nailed it" for 5 stars; but I think he does carry it for 4+). Sparrow became a parody because he was an incompetent charming lucky buffoon who suddenly became captain of captains. And.. yawn.. sounds like they did the same with Kiera Knightley.
This rant or the Sex & The City 2 rant is a RRREEEAAALLLLLLLYYY tough call. They really are peak hilarious pithy critic Kermode. I think I’d pick Sex & The City 2 though.
I'd heard this review many times but never seen the video of it. Simon reading the newspaper, taking out his phone, looking knowingly at the camera and also just disappearing for a couple of minutes gave me a good chuckle.
"I think it's important to say that one has to go into these things with an open mind" "HAH! Yeah, right" "....no, I know. But look, ok." Made me laugh so much for some reason, you just know at that point this is going to be an all time great rant
I thought the recent "show going into credits over Mark is still bashing on Avatar Way of Water" was peak, but they had already mastered this routine so long ago! What a couple.
I really like the first three POTC movies BUT this rant is brilliant and absolutely hilarious! Gotta love Kermode, even if you disagree with him sometimes! :D
He's not: his job is to prod Kermode back towards the centre, force him to explain himself, and express the opinion of the public so that Mark can be more effective. He's the straight man, Mark is the comedian.
The first Pirates was an absolutely classic, I never quite understand what he hates about it so much. Obviously the sequels are atrocious, and should have never been made, but the first was a great film.
I agree, the first film was great. It was a film that knew exactly what kind of movie it was and played it out in every way it could. They knew they were basically making a cinema version of a theme park ride and just ran with it.
Actually, when it is referring to "nine pieces of eight", it is referring to a system of currency from that time period- the coins were known as "pieces of 8" because each coin was an eighth of a pound. The nine pieces of eight essentially means nine different coins. And I know, most of the items werent coins, but thats why they have the scene where they explain that the pirate lords hadnt had enough money and had been forced to simply use random objects instead, but still went with the name.
That's the best one yet. It got to 9:00 and I couldn't stop laughing. He just goes on... and on... and on... but he's entertaining with it. Pirates 3 was a total let down. I *really* enjoyed the first one. I enjoyed the second one more, but this one was bad in too many ways for redemption. Pirates 4 was worse... I think. Maybe not. I can't remember.
Totally agree with you. Up until this moment I utterly forgot that PotC 4 even existed. It was so bad I actually blanked it from my memory. I'm trying to picture Ian McShane as Blackbeard and remember scenes, any scenes from the movie and I can't... I just can't. And yet if you asked me to quote something from Luca Bercovici's Ghoulies I could recite the entire script. It could be a sign that old age is starting to affect my short term memory or simply that Pirates 4 is that unmemorable, that bad that we subconsciously don't want to believe it even exists.
best rant ever - go to 7:41 when it shows the empty chair for the first time and there's some old man just standing in a black golf jumper staring at Mark through the hedge getting it all out of him - brilliant!! :) SMB
I’m watching this review on Monday the 8th of April 2024. A eclipse of the sun is happening at the moment over a large part of the USA. Did fate bring me to this amazing review?
"You could make a nice piece of Ikea furniture out of Keira Knightly's performance". Hahaha, best criticism ever :D I Don't agree with it but its hilarious XD
i absolutely LOVE the first POTC movie but damn this whole rant was so iconic and funny and perfect (and I cackled the hardest at Mayo's reactions) I can't even be mad about a movie I love getting brutalized lmaooooo
Well... in general, sure. But at the same time, there are things out there that do phenomenally well because they are so good. "Dark Side of the Moon" springs to mind
I keep coming back to this review for a laugh- even if I like the POTC films Kermode just cracks me up. I seriously cannot wait for his review of the fourth film in May.
O'BLOONDO, ORLANDO BLAND, ORLUNDO ! ! so, its not just me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I add kiera flatface nightly, you can't build ikea furniture out of her performance, she IS a really nice piece of ikea furniture, oh crap, he just said something to that effect 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Legend.....like him or hate him at least Mark Kermode has the balls to say what everybody else is thinking, the first POTC was absolutely horrid and yet people flock in their masses and fund this rubbish....i watch this clip every Sunday to give me a boost with my hangover, gets better every time i watch it - funniest parts are "walking around like something out of a Milk Tray advert" and "enough, it has to stop now"......all i can say is i can't wait ot hear Mark's review when Michael Bay remakes 'The Exorcist' - i'd pay big money to hear that one, keep the rants coming Mark, best film critic over this past 18 years! :) SMB
Damn, this guy needs to meet Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw from Zero Punctuation. The greatest rant-storm of all time would spawn from the meeting of these two people.
Find myself loving the FOUR Pirates of the Carribean films, probably watched them twice simply because it's good 'FUN' and yet also absolutely loving this Rant Haha - brilliant . ]
He really doesn't only give negative reviews. Those reviews get circulated more as they are more popular to listen to, but it's wrong to suggest he is not positive about films. And that does not apply just to art house films, he champions run-of-the-mill films also....
"If you thought Johnny Depp was bad at being Keith Richards, you should see Keith Richards trying to be Keith Richards" omfg I'm dying
Simon starting to read the paper is my favourite part
Same.
Alextromagnetic I like the oul man behind the hedge wondering what he feck is happening after about 6 minutes, belter! :)
Poor Mark lol.
A masterpiece of a rant and then Simon casually steals it haha
"Watching two chairs mating"
Classic quote
Tapor E a nest of chairs
Will never, ever tire of watching this. The rant of all rants
Do you still watch it?
My favourite line from this rant: "Now Keira Knightley's acting has always been wooden but this time it is like a petrified forest of wooden, You really feel like you can build a nice piece of IKEA furniture around her performance."
Angela Chan "It's like watching two chairs mating".
+Angela Chan HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lines like that make you feel grateful they made the movie.
Don’t want to be “that guy”, but a petrified forest is by definition made of stone. An odd slip up from the doctor there
@@rp1455 who cares? Turn of phrase dude.
"Is that a nest of tables?" cracks me up every time.
Orloondo Bland. Brilliant.
'two chairs mating' I was howling! hah
"Really, if you go and pay money to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean it's your own fault, and you're bringing down the collapse of Western civilization". This is why Kermode is by far my favourite critic.
This is why he is an idiot. Overexaggeration at it's best and not even funny. Just because of some dumb movie, but it seems he finds people who think of statements as these as intelligent.
Brilliant man, I've watched this dozens of times......guy's a legend! 🤣
Lots of hate for Mayo here. You gotta maybe listen to their full show or podcast to understand their vibe. They bicker and banter like an old married couple, this is a part of their appeal.
Kermode's rant is, as expected, superb... But Mayo's reaction makes it sublime.
i love how he just gets up and walks away. Mark doesn't notice. ha ha
Possibly the greatest Kermode rant, assisted by Mayo's silly routine.
Great rant but I almost had an accident laughing at him critiquing pierce brosnans singing in mama mia 😄 🤣 😂 😆
"When she and Orlando Bland are on screen together, it's like two chairs mating". My favourite Mark Kermode one liner ever.
*Orloondo Bland
"Is that a nest of tables? No!"
Funny as fuck rant. Absolute classic.
But c'mon Kermode, the first Pirates is good.
+gun1987gunn agreed! first one was good, it did have a plot that was easy to follow. Pirates 2 i thought was good but lost it's way when james norrington turned up and became a bit of a mess after that with too many plots going on!
Pirates 3 on the other hand was 168 minutes i'll never get back! Totally agree with mark's review here, there were a couple of decent moments towards the end, but my overriding feelin was utter boredom and confusion!
Marks interpretation of the 1 in 10 year visit. 'I WOULD TAKE THE DEAL RIGHT NOW!'
Orloondo Bland...that's just precious!
Simon gets to show his comedic side in this video. I love it.
There's a corner of British humor I didn't quite get until I started watching Simon Mayo do his stone cold counterpart to mark´s losing it over a bad film. Sometimes he just does the quickest, expressionless glance at the camera and it is hilarious.
7:42 we get a nice glimpse of keira and orlando in person.....
I enjoyed the elaborate "wood" metaphor referring to Orlando and Keira's acting.
@Markus Reit Their acting is awful
I love that this was broadcast at a golf tournament.. some of the finest golfers in the world gather to play, meanwhile one of the finest movie rants is taking place at the same time. I'd like to see a Kermode/Mayo 5 Live show live at an NBA game or a UFC fight.
The reason why I think Johnny's performance worked so well in the first movie, is because the script writer envisioned Jack Sparrow to be a bland, overly charming, typical Disney's "loveable rogue". (I know this because he wanted Hugh Jackman to play the part) Johnny saw the script, and made the character his own, adding twists and making a lot of the producers really nervous. After the writers saw Johnny's performance and realized people loved it, they started writing for Johnny's Jack, going completely overboard with the "jester" trope Johnny added himself, making the character unanchored.
Seems so; Kermode seemed to love Craig going out on a limb with Benoit Blanc, and seems to have carried it well with Glass Onion as well (I would say "nailed it" for 5 stars; but I think he does carry it for 4+). Sparrow became a parody because he was an incompetent charming lucky buffoon who suddenly became captain of captains. And.. yawn.. sounds like they did the same with Kiera Knightley.
He should get a medal for this
This rant always brightens my days. It's pure gold, up there with Monty Python and Rowan Atkinson's best sketches.
Mark Kermode was so brutal back in the day, lol (and he still can be).
This is probably the best Kermodion rant next to Sex & The City 2, brilliant! Didnt even stop for breath!
This rant or the Sex & The City 2 rant is a RRREEEAAALLLLLLLYYY tough call. They really are peak hilarious pithy critic Kermode. I think I’d pick Sex & The City 2 though.
I'd heard this review many times but never seen the video of it. Simon reading the newspaper, taking out his phone, looking knowingly at the camera and also just disappearing for a couple of minutes gave me a good chuckle.
Wow. I have to listen to that again. Just epic.
The greatest rant of his - and every word is a true one.
And the chorus of the Internationale in the one for Sex & the City 2 isn't far behind. 😆
@@loonylaura85 or Marley and me when he does the voice
"I think it's important to say that one has to go into these things with an open mind"
"HAH! Yeah, right"
"....no, I know. But look, ok."
Made me laugh so much for some reason, you just know at that point this is going to be an all time great rant
This review is goddamn iconic, and one of my favourite Kermode rants. Cant believe it doesnt have more views.
"You feel like you have to get out the varnish". Kermode's masterpiece, without question. What a joy to listen to
This is a great rant. "If you thought Johnny Depp was bad at being Keith Richards, you should see Keith Richards trying to be Keith Richards."
Possibly one of the best Kermode rants ever..
Keith knightley ikea furniture lol
I miss this Mark 😢
he's really mellowed down
10 years on, still a classic.
Roger C. Rocha still never quite topped it.
I thought the recent "show going into credits over Mark is still bashing on Avatar Way of Water" was peak, but they had already mastered this routine so long ago! What a couple.
I really like the first three POTC movies BUT this rant is brilliant and absolutely hilarious! Gotta love Kermode, even if you disagree with him sometimes! :D
You understand!!!! Lol
The 4th Pirates film is still the best one
Probably my favourite rant coz Mayo finally shuts the fuck up. King Kermode for PM.
He's not: his job is to prod Kermode back towards the centre, force him to explain himself, and express the opinion of the public so that Mark can be more effective.
He's the straight man, Mark is the comedian.
'It's like watching two chairs mating...What's that, is it a nest of tables?' Hahaha
This is easily his best rant
the sex and the city one is great for just pure rage though
risker15 The "Entourage" rant is pretty epic, too!
I personally hold the Transformers Dark of the Moon rant above all!!! Wooaahh eh woooahh eh woooahh..... Gets me every time
Yeah I wouldn't say easily though. I can name a few. Sex and the city 2, 2012, transformers 3, revolver, mamamia, da Vinci code 2,
In retrospect, I think Mark was correct that the pirates franchise was a big detriment to Depps career.
The first Pirates was an absolutely classic, I never quite understand what he hates about it so much. Obviously the sequels are atrocious, and should have never been made, but the first was a great film.
The second one is a lot of fun too.
They’re all mind numbingly dull and incomprehensible. Watch an 80s Indiana Jones movie to see how to do proper popcorn entertainment.
Because faux outrage pays the bills, imagine your livelihood is based on criticising entertainment media lol
I agree, the first film was great. It was a film that knew exactly what kind of movie it was and played it out in every way it could. They knew they were basically making a cinema version of a theme park ride and just ran with it.
Yeah, was very surprised to hear him hate the first so much, it was one of the best things Disney had done in ages.
AT WIT'S END
'Orloondo Bland' hahahahahahaha brings tears to my eyes
He's prepared to marry Orlundo Bland so he only has to see him once every ten years .
Classic!
Mayo's awesome here
From 7:00 on out...
Man am I glad this movie came out, because this is the greatest review of all time! I could NOT stop laughing!!!
He was far too kind about Orloondo Bland
Actually, when it is referring to "nine pieces of eight", it is referring to a system of currency from that time period- the coins were known as "pieces of 8" because each coin was an eighth of a pound. The nine pieces of eight essentially means nine different coins.
And I know, most of the items werent coins, but thats why they have the scene where they explain that the pirate lords hadnt had enough money and had been forced to simply use random objects instead, but still went with the name.
"It's immediately annoying squared" should be on the poster
Annoying ²
First time I see this video... What can I say too many brilliant quotes to write down here. The best one? 'Two chairs mating'. Classic.
0:40 is a grin of pure evil, at the havoc he is about to unleash upon our ears...
The best bit about this review in particular, is how it's edited with Mayo's reactions!! 8:54 - I DIED.
Jesus, Mark. Stop sitting on the fence!
The rant of all rants
He really did kill Kingdom of Heaven ... could've been something special
..but it was a listener who came up with Ikea Knightley, and Kermode says he'll always regret not coming up with that nickname.
Pirates 5 has been announced and really I am more excited for Kermode's review of it than the movie itself.
Did you enjoy it
one of the best movie reviews I've ever seen. This critic has such a hilarious way of expressing how bad a film is that I've been left speechless.
That's the best one yet. It got to 9:00 and I couldn't stop laughing. He just goes on... and on... and on... but he's entertaining with it. Pirates 3 was a total let down. I *really* enjoyed the first one. I enjoyed the second one more, but this one was bad in too many ways for redemption. Pirates 4 was worse... I think. Maybe not. I can't remember.
Totally agree with you. Up until this moment I utterly forgot that PotC 4 even existed. It was so bad I actually blanked it from my memory. I'm trying to picture Ian McShane as Blackbeard and remember scenes, any scenes from the movie and I can't... I just can't. And yet if you asked me to quote something from Luca Bercovici's Ghoulies I could recite the entire script. It could be a sign that old age is starting to affect my short term memory or simply that Pirates 4 is that unmemorable, that bad that we subconsciously don't want to believe it even exists.
"Live from James King's palace of earthly delights"
6:05-Love it when Simon starts reading the paper. It's like he knows "Yep. I'm in for a long one here"
best rant ever - go to 7:41 when it shows the empty chair for the first time and there's some old man just standing in a black golf jumper staring at Mark through the hedge getting it all out of him - brilliant!! :) SMB
He's right. Those films and everyone in them is fucking shite.
I’m watching this review on Monday the 8th of April 2024.
A eclipse of the sun is happening at the moment over a large part of the USA.
Did fate bring me to this amazing review?
Seldom was a rant more justified. Orlando Bland indeed.
"You could make a nice piece of Ikea furniture out of Keira Knightly's performance". Hahaha, best criticism ever :D
I Don't agree with it but its hilarious XD
is that a nest of tables? no it's orlando bloom and keira knightley lmao
love it when mayo just says "wrong" while kermodes talking!
Mark is class. This is the funniest thing I ever saw. Thank god some real opinions still make it into the main stream.
This is the single most accurate, entertaining and honest film review of all time, Your the man Mark!
Mayo starts whistling at the ten-minute mark. It's the 'wrap it up, Mark,' signal. And Kermode still keeps motoring on until eleven has passed.
i absolutely LOVE the first POTC movie but damn this whole rant was so iconic and funny and perfect (and I cackled the hardest at Mayo's reactions) I can't even be mad about a movie I love getting brutalized lmaooooo
Their podcast is excellent. The reviews often more entertaining than the films themselves!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve enjoyed the Kermode review more than the film itself
'Is that a nest of tables? No, it's Orloondo Bland and Keira Knightly kissing.'
16 years later and Mark was 100% right I should’ve taken my parents to see Zodiac
"Ikea" Knightley's acting is as solid as any piece of flat-pack furniture I've brought from that retail establishment.
Well done Mark!
"He's immediately annoying squared"
I was but a two month old baby when this was uploaded... and now I am enjoying this more than my birthday.
Well... in general, sure. But at the same time, there are things out there that do phenomenally well because they are so good. "Dark Side of the Moon" springs to mind
Everything Kermode says here is bang on the money. Literally everything.
I keep coming back to this review for a laugh- even if I like the POTC films Kermode just cracks me up.
I seriously cannot wait for his review of the fourth film in May.
I love Kermode's grin at 00:43...it's as if he's grinning to say 'they're demanding a full on rant...challenge accepted' :P
You got empty-chaired.
"Empty chair"?!
O'BLOONDO, ORLANDO BLAND, ORLUNDO ! !
so, its not just me 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I add kiera flatface nightly, you can't build ikea furniture out of her performance, she IS a really nice piece of ikea furniture, oh crap, he just said something to that effect 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don't know if anybody's mind explodes after listening to Mark Kermode's reviews?
I love thé fact that Mark called Orlando Bloom as Orloomdo Bland
Legend.....like him or hate him at least Mark Kermode has the balls to say what everybody else is thinking, the first POTC was absolutely horrid and yet people flock in their masses and fund this rubbish....i watch this clip every Sunday to give me a boost with my hangover, gets better every time i watch it - funniest parts are "walking around like something out of a Milk Tray advert" and "enough, it has to stop now"......all i can say is i can't wait ot hear Mark's review when Michael Bay remakes 'The Exorcist' - i'd pay big money to hear that one, keep the rants coming Mark, best film critic over this past 18 years! :) SMB
Damn, this guy needs to meet Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw from Zero Punctuation. The greatest rant-storm of all time would spawn from the meeting of these two people.
Unreal_Me This comment is unbelievably old but I would actually pay to see that
Find myself loving the FOUR Pirates of the Carribean films, probably watched them twice simply because it's good 'FUN' and yet also absolutely loving this Rant Haha - brilliant . ]
He really doesn't only give negative reviews. Those reviews get circulated more as they are more popular to listen to, but it's wrong to suggest he is not positive about films. And that does not apply just to art house films, he champions run-of-the-mill films also....
This is still Dr K's greatest rant.
You knew that his review it'd be like that! Fantastic review, spot on
Instead of using Ying and Yang, I'm using Mayo and Kermode.
Don't think he liked it 😉, love watching Simon just go on with his day.
I love his subtle quips. "Orlando Bland".
WOW that escalated brilliantly, props to mayo as well he's also key to the enjoyment
I'm ashamed to admit that I rewatch this review far too often ON LOOP
I love Pirates of the Caribbean but this was such a funny rant
has anyone checked to see if he ever inhales? absolutely majestic
3:04 He refers to Orlando Bloom as Orbloomdo Land. Then at 3:28 he calls him Orlando Bland.