Narcissist: From Mommy-Partner to Fantasy World - And Back
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- The narcissist is a 2 years old forever trapped in the no man's land between Mommy and the Big World out there.
The good enough mother allows her child to separate from her, take on reality, and individuate even as she helps it to maintain object constancy by always acting as a "safe base". The narcissist's mother refuses to let him go because she is insecure, selfish, depressed, parentifying, or dependent.
Consequently, the adult narcissist pendulates between a maternal figure in a shared fantasy and a pathological narcissistic space (his fantastic paracosm).
As he transitions between these two states, the narcissist experiences infantile helplessness. While in either of these two states, he feels at first grandiose and manic and then constricted, dysregulated, and aggressive.
To revert from one state to another, the narcissist uses four stratagems:
1. Termination (e.g, divorce, breakup, relocation, resigning from a job);
2. Deception (for instance: cheating or faking);
3. Undermining intimacy and trust, including by withholding and indifference;
4. Persecutory object fantasies, rendering people around him his enemies, wardens, or adversaries best avoided.
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A dog chasing his tail and marveling that he cant catch it. Once you know what you are watching it looks as stupid as it is.
Thank you for this comment! 😅 Made me laugh, but in all seriousness, so accurate!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
And how
There has been a huge increase in the behaviors that we come accustomed to when with a narcissist. Videos such as this are very helpful in understanding how this starts and manifests itself, and sometimes I have to remind myself that my only job is to be who I am.
The best person to explain narcissism on the internet. The narcissist actually called me Mom once in error.
Mine too!!
My ex did that all the time. I thought it was so strange.
@@christianguthrie6614 yes, because they’re in an responsible adult role. My ex called me mum when he was drunk and we were both adults
Just after we got married and moved into our first apartment, my narc husband actually asked me if I could have on a nice blouse and pair of slacks when he came home from work! 😳 I was a hippie in those days and told him, “I am not your Mother!” I remember thinking how bizarre that was, but had no idea what I was getting myself into over a 45 yo marriage. It ended with him dying in a helicopter crash and my daughters and myself learned he had been cheating on me with another woman for 8 years. Lying to her too, saying he was divorced! Spent half the week with each one of us. Told each he was away working🤬 He owned a Highway Improvement Company so had the perfect excuses. Lie lie lie. It has been a shocking awakening. Wish I had discovered Sam years ago! I am traumatized but no longer trapped!
Lol
The key and the most exhausted words I ever heard about narcissists: “There’s nothing to learn…it’s not a “learning” process “ How many years of life and nervous cells could be saved if people were aware about it…
This is my husband after years of lies and withholding our intimacy completely destroyed, I have an anxiety disorder which he says he can't live with! He's moved into a container in a forest by our house, I am looking for a new home to get as far from him as possible, mummy will definitely not be there should he decide to return or his 3 kids, he almost destroyed my sanity
The last sentence was the best. I dumped my manipulative self serving narcissist a month ago. Tonight he made trip #2 to my door only to be ignored after abusing my goodwill for 3 years. He came looking for mommy and she wasn't there 😆😆😆
“he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
James 1:8 ESV
My narc actually calls me mummy and then he will say , stop treating me like a kid , I cannot win with this one , am exhausted by the contradictions 😢
This describes their insane patterns perfectly.
This is very interesting and provides some insight to some of the insanity that I thought could never be made sense of. Toward the end, my ex narc said I was just like her elderly bi-polar mother who had regularly emotionally and physically abused her for years as she was growing up. There was not such abuse coming from me but I was someone just like her her mother in her mind? This was just before the discard.
She would also disclose to me how mind was racing daily at work. She would constantly worry that management would figure out she was incompetence and she would be laid off any day. I wish had has swiped left and not right. It would have saved me so much pain and money. Once you figure out you are dealing with a narc, do your homework and learn how painful it can to leave them, prepare thoroughly, then leave and go no contact. They will never get better. They will ruin you every way possible by the time the relationship is over and the discard takes place.
One of the most useful videos I’ve actually watched. The way you describe the narcissists patterns In this one is spectacular! You explain so clearly and decisively - I can definitely see myself watching this one again to make sure it’s fully digested! Thanks P. S Vaknin
I cannot thank you enough for helping me understand more about narcissistic behavior or narcissists. For the longest, I thought I was just horrible at doing everything and I hated myself. In order to salvage my sanity, I researched things he said and did and narcissist kept coming up. How wonderful of you to help SO many understand this. THANK YOU! This was very helpful!
I feel sad for my own narc father, a narc is also a victim,
@@marajade6967 they have changed a lot, but I'm. Working on it to be independent
No with them what you do isn't right bc it's not their way. When I read the poem A Toddler's Creed that's a narcissist. They often have child mother relationships with wives or partners
I'm in therapy for over a year now and meanwhile I've watched TONS of lectures about narcism and you truly are the most valuable source of information for me. Thank you so much for such a clarity in that amount of knowledge. I'm a narcisst and also a victim of one so I guess it's kind of funny but believe me - it's a nightmare. Still I'm willing to fight, evolve and grow and who knows - maybe some day I will even trust somebody. I'm aware that healing and getting rid of this disorder is almost impossible, but knowing that motivates me to work on it because if it's almost impossible then I have to do it - after all I'm godlike, right? I have to prove that I'm one in a million.
Isn't it cute how my sick mind works? Sometimes I think that that's what I have to do - remember that my mind is my enemy but treat it as an ally, make it believe I treat it like an ally. Use it's own weapon against itself. Turning shit into a gold - Isn't that a meaning of life after all...? ;)
Again - thank you and sorry for my English, I'm not a native.
I used to listen to western explanations, I stopped hearing them from the day I found you professor. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
I think you are mischaracterising Sam Vaknin's explanation. It is absolutely in line with the Western framework of child development psychology, and, besides this, he is from the European continent himself. I think what you are referring to is the fact that there are many people discussing these phenomena on RUclips and they are often either abuse survivors (talking from the perspective of their own experience) or psychologists (who have more specialised knowledge but still not necessarily strong insight). Sam Vaknin is both afflicted by the condition he is discussing (so has privileged insight) and a professor of (presumably Western) Psychology (so has specialised knowledge in addition to insight).
Your description truly nails the conflict between expectations/ideals and childhood trauma/undeveloped adult reality of narcissistic relationships! Do you remember the old French film called 'The Mother and the Whore'? Another good depiction of the narcissist and partner's dilemna, ending in destruction. Considering this age of narcissists all 'grown up' we are in, this movie should be brought back to a foreign film theatre near you- :) What you don't see is the numbing neglect, sexual and/or emotional abuse, dysfunctional family models, and utter lack of respect for healthy integration and individuation of children without drama, devaluation, or parental self awareness. The modern message of 'love will heal anything' becomes toxic positivity and vacillation between ideals of capricious seduction, then disengagement by manipulation. It's hard to believe the game is the objective!
Everyone wants reciprocal love in their lifetime, yet the lack of early protection, love, and nurtering can make love only a promise, or, a carrot and stick to play the adoring mother and wanton whore (the narc masculine ideal), back and forth. One gives gives gives, one gets gets gets but neither partner receives the nurtering, recognition, acknowledgement, or satisfaction of healthy, dynamic relationships based on self awareness and self love. We are all as sick as our secrets. We have an obligation to ourselves first, to cast out our demons and reclaim our ability to love ourselves or bounce off the walls of neglect and fantasy forever. Find a therapist competent in helping narcs, their flying monkeys, and their co-dependent 'victim' enablers to choose to help themselves first. Remember only YOU can choose to step out of the roles of the Drama Triangle, i.e., victim, rescuer, or perpetrator. If you find yourself in ANY of these roles, you will experience drama filled, mind numbing, and soul bashing relationships. Personally, I will always be in recovery from past nacissistic and abusive relationships. Some things you can't change but you can choose how you respond to them. Good Luck and recovery to y'all involved in this behavior. Be strong. Be wise. Be loved.
Thank You for adding much value to this video.❤️❤️ I'm just in the beginning to self love, your comment was extremely helpful.
My ex once said he wished he'd had a mother like me, I was taken aback - it sounded weird even though at the time he made it sound like he was complimenting me at how great a mother I was to my 4 year old daughter but years later I realised he meant what he said- he wished I was his mother!!!! Ewwwwww!!!!
Amen and amen I left mine 4 weeks ago today and never looked back and have remained faithful to no contact
This is the simplest explanation I have heard yet--- to explain the male Narcissist's CHILDISH, unempathetic mindset---all stemming from the lack of indiduation from the mother! The Narcissist's vacillating "mini-cosmos" describes it so perfectly. Thank You, Sam Vaknin.
In other words it’s mommy’s fault. I knew deep down it has something to do with how my narky husband was raised by his mother
My husband had both parents as narcissistic. All his siblings have this shade in various manifestations. And my husband is one too.
a clear picture that explains the entire dynamic. Thanks Sam!
“And sometimes, he really doesn’t“ find mommy …like with the death of a parent.
I’ve seen ppl heal from this separation, and also break bc of it.
because when they come back the partner might be gone found another love or moved on i understand
You should do a analysis of the Netflix ‘You’ series. Perfectly sums up the narcissist, the borderline, shared fantasy, mommy issues, etc.
Most Narcs have 2 phones or 3 no prob. Thank you for all this information. Been with a malignant nars for 9.5 years. With each video i watch its as if you are telling my story. Thanks V
ugh, where have you been, Sam? I hope you are well during these trying times. Blessings to you.
Mommy died and I was supposedly to replace her two years later. 13 years into this menace and I nearly took my life.
Professor I wish this info was available 40 years ago so my family "dysfunction" would have been perfectly explained. My dad is 92 going on 2 my mom is his mom. Neither are my parents anymore, they are now my Family of origin. Thanks for this great info.
my mother wanted me to be her mom. And financier. Then she married a guy 17 years younger. I think he's more mature than she is. But he caves to her every whim, even if it means using her own daughter for money, etc.
Exactly what I experienced living with a narc for 36yrs! He lost his incapable mother who was not mentally when he was a few yrs old unable to be there for him in every sense of the word throughout his teenage yrs. The mother committed suicide so I became her replacement! When we met he told me I reminded him of his mother! No wonder after the birth of my first son I was shocked when he said no sex until i want to have another baby! I could not understand. After listening to your talk I know why a narc is not interested in sex because he treated me as a mother so how can a son has sex with a mother! No wonder throughout our married life till old age he got involved emotionally with 6 women just to cut short the story!I m fed up and had enough! I m just waiting for him to discard me.
Ohhhh my GOD Profesor Vaknin..now i reallyyyyyyy UNDERSTAND why he keep goingggggg to his MOTHER and GODMOTHER in between our RELATIONSHIP..treating me like his MOTHER sometimeeeeeeeee..im getting tireddddd of ittttt all..its really drainnnnn me off his UNCERTAINTY..im now in the proses of DISENGAGING with him..ENOUGH is enoughhhhhhhhhhhhh after 18 months period between us..thank u so veryyyyy muchhhhhhhhhh Profesor..
Dr. Vaknin...this video is so eye opening for me. Well...maybe it's a wrong term. It's more of a confirmation of my own findings. My narcissistic partner "sold" himself to me as a man with a high sex drive.."open" to all kinds of sexual experiments that defy your average standard of a romantic relationship.I'm mainly reffering to polyamorous relationships.
Of course...I ate it all up...as I was willing to explore and expand my own sexuality.
But...of course...within few months sex started dying off and his sexual interest in other women picked up.
That.....of course....caused a lot of friction mostly initiated by me. He kept calling my concernes "ridiculous"...saying how much he respects me....how I am soooo special to him.
I remember one night telling him that I don't want to be his "mother"...just being loved and respected for providng a safe place and giving unconditional love to him without being sexually involved with him. In his eyes...he was giving me this "special privilage"...and There I was...complaing about it!
Of course...he was able to openly be involved with other women (because sex is a natural thing) but it was never allowed for me to be sexual in any shape or form with anyone other than him.
He expected me to be (or become) this asexual person that has devoted her time to tending to his needs and wants....assuring him that he is "super inteligent"..."super funny"...."super sexy".
Just like any good MOTHER would do...encouraging her son going out into the world and totally supporting him in all his decisions....while being this pure...sexless identity.
It lasted for 3.5 years...now it'sall over...finally.
I thought I would feel 100% better.....but it's not true.
Even though I feel this sense of reflief and peace in me.....I still struggle with guilt. Guilt about giving up on him...guilt of being insensitive....guilt of being selfish.
I can't seem to reconcile my intelectual side with the emotional one
So much truth here. I really feel bad for those people, but can’t stay in that kind of dynamic. It’s sad, it’s tragic. You can still love this person, but you should know your boundaries, learn to say no and let go.
Can this happen within friendship? My gf has always had a weird, codependent relationship with her former roommate. When they lived together she would cook for her, make her lunch for work, sometimes even tuck her into bed.. Their friendship borderline disgusts me because the former roommate (a 30-year-old woman) literally acts like a child sometimes. She has temper tantrums unless she gets her way, acts immature like a child/teenager, doesn’t take care of her eating unless my gf cooks something for her (when they lived together) or tells her to eat something (when they aren’t together). This woman, the former roommate, sells herself as someone with high self-esteem, as someone who everyone falls in love with until she breaks their heart.. But when you get to know her you realise she’s actually incapable of intimate, long-lasting romantic relationships (they last a few months or she doesn’t want to meet them irl), she’s lonely and a bit pathetic behind her mask and is clearly looking for a mother figure to take care of her and my gf has fulfilled that role to a certain degree. I’ve begun to wonder if she is a narc, she definitely has narcissistic traits.
Sadly my gf has a long history of getting into codependent friendships and says that it feels good to be needed -_- (She has a trauma history of being bullied and excluded at school and at home.)
oh lord...
I can relate to this as I'm listening to this...
I remember I would tell my ex narcissist that I'm not your mother, so stop treating me like your mother.!! now I understand it very well...he's mother didn't like to see me on video.
she would act jealous.
He did move to England away from his family been here since he was 13 yrs old . I discarded him.
@@anemone9081 he xould treat me like I'm his mother... then other times made me feel so much like a child.
You're brilliant, thank you for sharing.
Measuring Brian Laundrie against this and thinking. 100%.
His videos are so hard to watch. I dont even want to disturb my soul with the way my ex narc possibly sees the world.
This exactly describes my hellish relationship, beautifully.
Thank you for your teachings..you are so accurate.
Have anyone experience the narcissist talking about and for themselves in 3rd person?
yes, I noticed it in people with narcissistic traits. However "full blown" narcissist I happened to know, did't do it. I have no idea why. Maybe some are more cunning and don't want to reveal self centeredness right away
@@nataliakorwin2679 I wonder if it has to do anything with their inner splitting ..?
This is actually my current situation with my 30 year old gay son.
He has a love-hate relationship with me.
מידע יקר ערך ! ,תודה רבה לך אל המאמץ להעביר את המידע המלא והמקיף !
Thank you prof.sam vaknin
Thank you!
Prof. Sam Vaknin, light years ahead of the rest!
The malignant narcissist ex I divorced places unattainable unrealistic delusional idealistic expectations
And standards on his victims that he uses to sabotage and destroy every relationship
mindblowing. Explains so much. thank you Prof. Vaknin
This is incredibly enlightening to me. Now, my dealings with narcissists make sense. Thank you.
I’ve never heard somebody describe me so well. Am I still a narcissist if I can fully recognise that I’m one?
What about female narcissists, could you make video about them and their relationship with mother? I mean it's hard for me to just flip the naratives into relationship of daughter and father in early childhood. Female narcissists raised by their mother don't they?
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. The best way to describe her was that she was extremely selfish and emotionally abusive. I figured out that her mother didn’t raise her and that my mother never wanted to be a mother. My mother sabotage all of her daughters to not like her, put us in unsafe situations so she can come in and rescue us, she would put us around family and people who didn’t like her. Narcissistic women love to triangulate their daughters relationships to keep them codependent. Look for a woman being a taker and not wanting to be confrontationed when they have done wrong.🙏🏽
Dear Prof Sam, i m diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder before this i was diagnosed with bpd and in the last 17 years my mother hasnt been able to understand talks on psychology until your videos. I am greatful that you have brought to light many things that in the past is indescribable to me and my family. Usually this we chalk it down to bad behaviour.. which is unsavory i know. Do you have more videos on the schizoid personality disorder? Thank you
I tried to explain this concept so many times. Thank you.
This is brilliant
This describes my ex-husband so well. Thank you for helping us make sense of how we’ve been treated and what motivated it.
Thanks for all your help..Dr. WHO
Perfectly explained, thank you! I’m saving this one !!!
Such an accurate description, thankyou.
What do you do when your in a situation like this. I’m not sure who is worse anymore. Me or my mother… but lord knows I have no idea how to leave her behind. And as you have so well illustrated here, I have tried many times.
To be clear. While I do relate to most of this. I think it needs to be said, that I HATE leaving. I don’t oscillate between these two cycles because of the joy it brings me. I’m always running from one hell or another.
It feels like self- preservation, and frankly I’m scared. I don’t expect empathy. But I need help. I’ve been battling this for decades now, and I honestly wonder if I’m going to die this way. And for more clarity, so much of my actions has been reactions to others. I know I’m responsible but, it’s difficult when you get taken advantage of when your too young to even know what’s going on. I feel like I’ve been recoiling for a decade. I’m 28 now. Would appreciate a word if you get a chance.
I’ve tried so many things to escape this cycle.
I listened to your videos and it provide me with lots of info and insight about narcissism.I come to a realisation that it’s very possible that my long time partner is narcissist.
What should I do , should I approach him or discuss the matter with him ? It doesn’t let me rest and I am constantly thinking about it , days and nights.
I would love to see a video of the differences between BPD and Autism and can you have both?
thank youuuuuuuuuu prof
They make the definition of human being different from reality.
Thank you.
What if the individual hates mommy but still needs her. I know someone who hates his mother but is very codependant on her. He is a pathological liar and sets people up against his mother then rushes in like the hero to protect her. He even mentioned how he needs to be beaten up so he can come back down to earth. Smh
Sounds like my malignant narc ex a bit, Altho my ex never suggested he hates his mom. I don’t believe in your case that he hates mommy truly. He is probably saying this as a smoke bomb to bait you or any unsuspecting victim. This way, the listener believes the mother is to be hated and thus feels comfortable to express disdain or insult the mother. Once they fell for the Ns bait, the N now has an opportunity to save the mother and thus be her knight in shining armor. It is a tactic to win the love and praise of the mother. If he grew up in an abusive household and the mother did save him, she might have been the one to smother him and she was probably suffering from her own personal issues like insecurity, etc. This is how the N became an N in the first place.
Excellent analogy!!
Interesting that you mention 3 years into marriage. Ive noticed the pattern with many.
Can young children be saved from suffering from a personality disorder? Are there any interventions that can help?
What happens when the narcissist wants to "go back and find mommy?" Does this mean he wants the ex- intimate partner back?
Means that he can't stand being alone any more, and suddenly genuely belive AGAIN that “love" (by his definition and definently not healty love) will fix all his problems, hence the cycle repeats.
All 4 strategies used in my discard 😢
Dear Sam,
Thank you very much for this video and all of your videos and amazing information you’re giving!
I have a question - how do narcissists perceive other narcissists? Do they sense them from the very first glance and know it exactly that those people are like them? Or maybe narcissists perceive all the people as having smaller or bigger narcissistic traits? Or maybe only self-aware narcissists would clearly sense that some other people are of similar level as them from the very beginning of their communication? Or maybe it’s like, all narcissists are different in this regard and some would sense it out and others won’t? And what is also very important, how would they react/feel inside if they meet a more skilled, higher level narcissist or a psychopath? The core information I would love to know is - would they feel OK or even get some kind of pleasure feeling somewhat submissive to that other narcissist or psychopath? Or would they just feel the need to recoup or revenge sometime later?
It would be very interesting to know how it works, what the mechanisms are and I would very much appreciate it if you tell the real truth. I’ve been asking this question to a couple of narcissists (as they said they were self-aware)
and they did not give an answer which is also kind of interesting.
Maybe it could be possible that you make a video on that topic?
My best regards,
Eva
Powerful 👌 thank you so much that is excellent ☺️
WOW~!
THAT FIGURES 😳
Amazing...thankyou Sam.
I worry about the way the recent escalation (in US) of narcissistic regulation of women’s reproduction capacity is likely to result in more mothers who significantly contribute to increased rates of NPD, due not only to their likelihood of immaturity and resentment about their autonomy being overruled, but also due to the limitations of the motherhood-fantasy being propagandized as justification for curtailing her rights in the first place. Such mothers are not set up for being even good enough, sadly.
You are so smart
Hey sam, I've watched alot of videos and I believe I am a Narcissist. I don't want to be but I question whether that is because I don't want to cause others pain or because I don't want to be alone. From what I've seen from you I am a schizoid or covert narcissist. I struggle alot to get better, I don't talk about myself alot because I feel that's narcssistic but then I hear from you that Narcs hide themselves from others... and I do that. I don't share anything about myself simply because I don't do anything special. I am not interesting or anything like that. I also struggle with perfectionism and trying to come off as confident etc., when I really am not. I also do alot of other things that might be narccistic but I struggle with OCD so I worry over small things ALOT. Anyways, from what I have read from you all I see is ways to avoid narcs and get away from them. If I truly am a narcissist... how can i be better? How do I make sure I dont drain other people? Can I even be better or am I destined to be alone?
“and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.””
John 8:32 ESV
Abide with Jesus and learn the Healing power of a relationship with the Holy Spirit.
I pray Jesus awakens your spirit.
Be patient and with yourself.
Seek professional help also but hope in the One True Living God.
You are not alone.
You are loved, full of hope and future.
Blessings.
Guruji thank you guruji 🙏🙏
In my personal research, aka marriage, my spouse displays almost all of the narcissistic traits except he has no grandiosity, no self worth and low self esteem. His father was physically, emotionally, verbally abusive to him, his siblings, and his mother. The mother didn’t protect him and always made excuses for his dad’s behaviors such as ‘he didn’t mean it’, ‘he doesn’t know how to show love’, etc, but never saying his dad was wrong. She would threaten to tell his dad if he misbehaved while dad was gone,. This made neither parent safe.
My husband 1) treats me like his dad treated him, 2) he talks/looks to me like a bratty little boy if not getting his way, 3) he narcissistically abuses me as his spouse. His lies, gas-lighting, truth twisting, silent treatment and a sexless marriage (masterbation is his preferred sex) are results of traumas as a child.
There is no grandiosity. Am I missing something or is this possible? Or is this answered in another video? I haven’t watched all the videos but I’m American and would appreciate just this answer. At least give me the vid links to watch myself so i don’t wade through your prolific library of informative, intelligent, interesting, insightful, and the most mind blowing Professor of psychology to hit the RUclips! Come into the world! Thee psychological Master, if you will!
Is he classified as a narcissist or something else? Please lead me to the correct research. Thank YOU, Professor Vaknin
Yep. Still a narc, just not the most popularly known grandiose narcissist since he is primarily missing that element. He can be a vulnerable narc if it’s obvious to you that he has insecurity and low self esteem, or he can be a covert. The grandiose narc usually just thinks “I am better” whereas the vulnerable narc usually thinks “others are better”. It’s a lot to digest but check out Dr. Grande and Dr. Ramani on RUclips. Dr. Grande specifically dives into the different types from a psychology standpoint and Dr. Ramani does the same but with more “layman’s” or basic approach. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Do individuals with borderline personality disorders struggle with learning like the narcissist? Do others in the type b clusters struggle with this as well?
Yes.
She’s back with her mother @ age 51
A question on Psychopathic narcissist : do you they seek to turn their victims into narcissist or psychopath like themselves ? Like the malignant narcissist tries to turn their victim into malignant narcs themselves ? What is the goal of a psychopathic narcissist... To destroy others ? To destroy themselves ? What classifies a Psychopathic Narcissist ? If a Narcissist is ragefull and violent , like to hurt people physically or mentally , does that then render them psychopathic ?
I wonder what happens to the narcissist when mother figure starts to cause object inconstancy within the shared fantasy via witholding.Does it cause narcissistic injury, mortification or codependency.
Confusion.
The hungry devouring dissatisfied ghosts.
Can you please give a lecture about schizod men that are enmeshed with their mothers.?
Mr. Vaknin I need your help, I've just cut out a narcissist 'old friend' out of my life and the days following the pain of the separation have been quite the awakening, looking back on the obvious signs of it.
I know you touch upon this in this video, but I still can't get the thought of my head of what if I'm the one who's the narcissist, if I'm honest I picked up those traits (this was a 11 year, very close intimate relationships - he knows all my secrets and pains) but I can't deny I picked up those traits and hurt people around me as a consequence, even people who looking back actually understood the situation I'm in and gave me clues as to what to be watchful of (like I genuinely believed that everything was my fault when something went wrong with anyone I met and that real friend told me to stop devaluing myself like this).
I'm I stuck with those tendencies? Or I'm I even in denial and I'm the narcissist here?
I still don't know if my instincts are correct even if I stay close to the ground beneath me and walk the way, this whole week has been liberating and shaky at the same time.
I don't know if I can trust my instincts totally or not and this is eating me up. How can you trust your instincts totally? Is trusting your instincts even a normal thing or some kind of fancy idea stuck in my head that I'd use to further my denial of being a narcissist myself? This is fucked up lol.
EDIT: its all good, even after cutting him out of my life Ive had the pleasure (lol) of having to reinteract with him today he went rage mode and it just became crystal clear that he made it a habit through devaluing me of making me misinterpret the integrity of my intentions.
It's so obvious now LOL.
damn your friend might have done a very good job of projecting his disorder to make you think that you are the one with the problem. these people as experts manipulators i wonder if they have all studied in the same school wtf!!
Ya.. it’s very normal for the narc to make you think you’re nuts. They leave you in a state of confusion, but you could have been friends so long because you have low self-esteem, insecurity and lack healthy boundaries. Most if not 100% of the victims of narcs (aka anyone in any type of relationship with a narc, romantic or not) almost always end up falling for the narc because of their own insecurities and behaviors such as overextending themselves and looking out for the narc by mothering them, and so on. Once you realize you’ve been deceived by a narc and you wake up to the truth of what they are (ie. a Narc) you will realize you were a fool all along. They fooled you, and this realization Forces you to look inward and recognize where you went wrong, and hopefully how to heal. Good luck.
@Randomname123 This video was excellent and I learned a lot here, but regarding your question, may I suggest you also take a listen to HG Tudor regarding the: Supernova on YT - it explains how one could think they are the narc, but not at all, that person just had a supernova moment
It appears Everybody needs a scapegoat.What did we do WOUT the "Narcissist " dialogue? Work out our problems?
Please proffesor can you explain to me why after 22 years of marriage ( with All My efforts) he doesn’t want to kiss me or have any intimite With me ( its not working at All) He only screams at me and can do nothing Good in his eyes and says that I am the problem. He is All Good and does nothing wrong ( the false self) so in the beginning i was an angel and now i am the devil? Its the black and white thinking i Guess .. so this is the discard or punishment that i have to live with for now. Tell me Please is There a demon inside of him or something like that that tells him what to do ? Or give him advice … i hope you Will explain .. thank you
11:15
Hello Sam, my sister is diagnosed with BPD and currently on the waiting list of a therapist. She wants to inform herself to get a better understanding of her inner processes until therapy finally starts (it will probably take some months unfortunately). I recommended to her to watch your videos. Which videos do you consider the best to start with for that matter?
I find it comical how these days everyones ex is now a narcissist. Instead of one saying to oneself, perhaps I need to look in the mirror and change some things about myself, seeing that the outcome of said relationship was awful. So instead of self reflection, learning from ones mistakes, becoming a better person for the next partnership, etc, they just immediately scream that their ex is a narcissist and take ZERO accountability! Then they wonder why they can’t make any relationship or marriage work! Lol 😆
So does narcissism come from daddy issues or mommy issues? The ones I've experienced ALL had Daddy issues.
Let's call it a tail, cats and dogs either are covert or overt. There is a toon out there called cat-dog.
I have seen this so many times. Over and over again. Now heś at it again. A new source of supply is beeing love bombed. Poor woman. I praise myself lucky now. I´m only a bystander. There is nothing I can do. I just hope his new target is strong enough to get out before its to late. This time there will be no mommy waiting with open arms when he returns - and he will.
please get a better camera and microphone, a good mic is around 150. You are very interesting and intelligent individual. Hope you will consider.
When exclude coexist is a possible positive resolution to exist included?
Is the narcissist a result of mutational load as a result of humans being out of natural selction for so long due to civilization?
Can anyone help me with my question?
The first 10 minutes describe exactly what happened to me as a baby with my narc. mom (and of course later on)
But I turned out as a Co-dependent/People Pleaser/Fawn Responder and not as a narcissist. How is that possible?
In other words: what is the reason or the main factor why some people become co dependent while other become narcissists,
when experiencing the same kind of childhood trauma?
Maybe my father comes into play there?
@@sarahsperception138 Thanks a lot for the information! I will watch the video. Have great day!
@@sarahsperception138 I had a narcissist mother too. I am on my path of healing since 5 years when I first realized what really had happened to me. Sam Vaknin helps me a lot, also Richard Grannon and others. I am reading Sam Vaknin´s book "Malignant self love" right now and also come back to his videos regularly. His book is eye opening and also quite scary. One book I can highly recommend is the book from Dr. Ramani Durvasula " Don´t you know who I am?"
It´s one the best books ever on this subjects in my opinion. her book is hugging me while reading.
Great to see that more and more people get educated about this subject and take the journey of healing. Having a narc mom is in my humble opinion very very traumatizing and painful. These conditionings sit very deep as you know.
Through this I have attracted a lot of toxic people in my life, but these painful experiences helped me to realize more and more where the root of all evil is.
All the best to you!
I wish you a good healing...and merry christmas!
you have just descrived my relationship this is what she was doing and im forced to go no contact since its imposible to get any kind of approach to them when they want to go the other side of the bridge but professor you say they make you their mom, how can we make them not doing this? and also sometimes i feel when i become more psicopathic or i display sadistic behaviors to others i feel like if she would get more attracted to me somehow im just realising of this now looking the relationship from a distance. very like when you were 15 years and you would enjoy having two boys fighting for yoy i think she has a bliss with this tipe of things. they might not make you your mom then if you behave psicopathic and they like to be abused or controlled in a subtle way that if you are too nice they might discard you for that like if they would have to take control of the situation cause you are too useless too nice too naive to see the reality of the situation that you dont know how to manage. this is a big discard. but then they might also discard you if you are very tuff or whatever cause they will find your flaws too. i dont know professor if you agree with any of this but basically how can i make her desire me like crazy do i have to shoot anyone?? thanks
It's like you are never good enough no matter what role they place you in in their heads. From lovers to mommy to controlling bitch that he had to escape from. I was only following my love for him and wanting a family and a nice house. Heck I even helped him set up a business with one of his other woman (unbeknownst to me) he never told me she was his business partner and she thought she'd won the lottery having a boyfriend who had a lovely house and kids who's "partner had left him" and could afford to start a business. He was rocking on my dime! I became his mother and the one to hate after 21 years together. Not to live life and raise our kids together nuclear family style. It wasn't enough for him. I got post natal anxiety and he abandoned me and the kids. Exactly as you describe Mr Vankin! But even his other woman girlfriend wasn't enough for him he had to go looking for more and found another co worker to shack up with. He abandoned me, his kids (not seen in 5 years), business girlfriend (who was also our tenant!), all his possessions, moved 200 miles away, and I am left traumatised and with PTSD yet now stronger for his insanity.
I was told by him I was "collateral damage" which means deep down he knew he was playing a game. On discovery of his cheating and con antics he had a 'breakdown' - was stuttering badly, had leg tremors and facial paralysis. He broke himself. I didn't believe him. I'd seen his truth. I thought he was play acting, exaggerating and lying. He became the victim of me discovering his triple life so he had doctors attentions, mri scans, psychologists etc involved. And got his own mothers attention. ( I'd never seen them be loving towards each other in 2 decades. No hugs, all very superficial. They were a strange dynamic).
I can't believe i was duped for so long. I always gave benefit of the doubt. I didn't realise he had 3 brains ticking over all the time. Plotting and twisting.
You've helped put the pieces of the puzzle in place with this video. I truly believe he abused our baby so I would terminate him permanently with no desire to ever contact him again. He played like he'd be there for his kids but it was just lip service to seem like a decent guy. He can then play the violin of 'she won't let me see the kids' to his new supply. Damn right after what you done to them! He scares me he is so calculated and deranged like acts like a bumbling idiot.
Oh and over 30 jobs in 20 years? I've had 1 long term career... I was a fool. I believed in love. No I know these poor chameleons exist. It's been devastating but enlightening. He hated me for being strong, he hated me for being weak....
@prof. Sam Vaknin could you tell me if all narcissists become extremely violent? Is this a part of the “condition”? I experienced extreme violence and humiliation from my ex husband. He constantly wanted to punish me for ridiculous things and he was so paranoid about everything. Even asking a well meant question. Is this common?? Especially the punishing was so extreme and sick. Love your videos even though they are very triggering to me personally and sometimes hard to watch.
He sounds like a malignant narcissist. I would assume he came from abusive household.
@@Darkgaiarising sounds right to me too. This was my ex. Did similarly horrible things to me and my normal behavior and questions would set him off or trigger him into fits of rage and punishment of me. It’s quite sick indeed.
@@Darkgaiarising not an abusive household particularly, but a very strict distant father. Maybe it started there. Feeling he was never gonna live up to his father’s expectations. His father being a doctor, his older brother being a doctor. And I noticed at some point he always was acting grandiose abt literally everything. Very extreme. His society also is mainly like that. He always thought everybody was humiliating him obsessively. But still I can’t seem to accept or understand how someone can become or be so evil. I understand people having issues due to what they endure in their childhoods, but the level of pure evilness and violence is something i just can’t comprehend.
@@pbjt2396 yes exactly. We should be happy that we are out of this situation. Thank God my ex is living in another country, and I hope he would not be able to come here anymore.
@@aboetarikske thank you
What if your mother didn’t let you individuate until mid 30s.
I would love to learn about the teenage narcissist... between childhood and adulthood.... what are they like?
Search the channel.
@@samvaknin Thank you. Found it!
I have a narcissistic friend who thinks people who are gay chose it… so yeah I’m pretty sure it forms in closet homosexuals
3-2-4-1 in that order every time for 4 decades partner after partner. Talk about repetition compulsion! Withhold to undermine intimacy-deceive while entertaining emotional affair with new supply-make partner persecutory object and recruit flying monkeys to triangulate and help narc escape partner - breakup to start sexual relationship with the emotional affair partner they’d been grooming for months.