Q: "I can't keep up & my husband doesn't get it. Any advice?" - How Tom & I FINALLY made peace!
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- For the first 5 years of our marriage Tom and I were completely at odds when it came to keeping the house up and figuring out our roles. It was frustrating and caused quite a few arguments between us. So when we received this question from Susanna this week could relate 1000%! We did finally work it out, and here's how!
R E L A T E D V I D E O S :
How I found Minimalism: • Why I became a minimal...
How I've become a tidy person: • How to easily keep a t...
How to declutter without making a mess: • How to Declutter WITHO...
Beginner Minimalism: 5 things I wish I could have told myself at the START!: • Beginner Minimalism: 5...
🖤 FACEBOOK: / minimalmom
🖤 INSTAGRAM: / the.minimal.mom
P O P U L A R L I N K S :
🍪 Lazy Chocolate Chip Cookie Bars: www.ithinkweco...
🥮 The BEST (& easiest) Triple Chocolate Bundt Cake in the Entire World!!: www.ithinkweco...
🖤 BOOK RECOMMENDATION: The Minimalist Home amzn.to/2GPO0hM
LISTEN FOR FREE ON AUDIBLE: amzn.to/2ItCr2f
*AFFILIATE LINKS! THANK YOU!!!*
#minimalism #familyminimalism #minimalist
R E L A T E D :
Eliminate Paper Clutter Video Part 1: • Eradicate Paper Clutte...
Organize Paper Clutter Video Part 2: • Simple Paper Clutter O...
THE TRICK TO SIMPLIFY YOUR KITCHEN QUICKLY: • Simplify your Kitchen ...
KITCHEN TOUR : • Minimalist Kitchen Tou...
MY MEAL PLANNING SYSTEM VIDEO : • Simple Meal Planning y...
📺 P O P U L A R R E L A T E D:
Why I became a Minimalist: • Why I became a minimal...
The Best Place to Start with Minimalism: • Best Place to start wi...
What to do when You get STUCK: • Decluttering Sentiment...
Video FAQ: • FAQ from Previous Vide...
🖥 R E L A T E D P O S T S:
How I store and organize kids clothes: www.theminimalm...
Baby Keepsakes- What we keep & how: www.theminimalm...
..............
🛍 Affiliate links:
📷 My Camera (that I LOVE!!): Canon G7X amzn.to/2o9hWLi
⌚Watch: (also LOVE ;) Garmin vivoactive 3 (White & Rose Gold) amzn.to/2HPGFQr
🖤 Tripod: amzn.to/2MMFzHs
..............
Royalty-free music used with permission from the RUclips Creator Studio, Epidemic Sound and purchased from AudioJungle.net
Relationships are COMPLEX! So what worked for us may not work for you, but we hope there are pieces that can help!! THANK YOU for watching!! - Dawn & Tom
R E L A T E D V I D E O S :
How I found Minimalism: ruclips.net/video/m7IyvfXanFI/видео.html
How I've become a tidy person: ruclips.net/video/sS-n_sPYNyU/видео.html
How to declutter without making a mess: ruclips.net/video/7yQqvQ99MVw/видео.html
I LOVED THIS VIDEO! That was such a great question. I wonder what my husband's answers would be, because I totally remember feeling like that too.
3 families in my home. Me, my husband. My daughter and 4 year old grandson. My oldest brother. I can’t sleep for the stress of the clutter and working so hard on my faith in Christ to clean up my spiritual life. When I do get to sleep sometimes days !!! I wake to see that nothing has changed and straight back to overwhelming dread and stress and ultimately feeling depressed !! Then completely lost as what to do and where to start. For over a year or more I have begged and pleaded with everyone to please pick up, get ride of things that are just pulled out and left to get to something else. No one in my home has a desire for Christ or to unpack our home. At this point, every room is a dumping ground and no one care about either except me !!
I need so much help and prayer bc I do feel like they go hand and hand.
Is It just me that feels this way? Am I wrong?
Please pray for me and my family that our lord will do a work in them to just see how I feel give them some compassion for Christ and let their eyes be opened to the peace of Christ and having a MUCH LESS cluttered home.
I don’t even know if Im saying anything that makes since to anyone but myself.
Much love to all and may the peace of Jesus be with you, IN JESUS HOLY NAME AMEN 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻✝️✝️✝️
Love watching your videos Dawn. On my checklist I want man that's as good with diy like Tom. Where do you charge your mobile devices and keep it at night? ❤️🇿🇦
@@GiveIt_Time Maybe you can try decluttering one tiny thing at a time - a drawer or a cupboard. Or just clear off one table. It must be very overwhelming with so many family members not being in the boat. So glad you have Jesus on your boat though. 😊 Sending best wishes to you for some better days.
KaLeigh : Thank You so much ! And yes you are right, that is what I have to do ! Not long after posting that comment were thoughts and feelings that hit me.
I know, no one else is bothered or cares about either their salvation or a over cluttered home. THIS IS MY HOME WHOME THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME WITH, THANK YOU JESUS !!!
So this being my home . I will clean it !!
Everything that is not mine or husbands will be put in box’s and put in the shed, if they look for or want it then they can go find it. I’ll be willing to bet they all will see me doing this and not even ask what im doing or even care or need / want anything that is out of their site.
Thank You and God Bless You always
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻✝️✝️✝️
This was so impressive! No assigning blame, just acknowledging feelings, finding solutions, taking responsibility. So mature. I love it! 😊👏🏻♥️🇨🇦
Also, lots of love shown for each other. (I love the way he looks at her when she is talking! They are so cute together!) They are a great example for others to follow. ❤️
It shows their level of love, respect, and commitment towards one another. It's beautiful and it's something I strive to do in my marriage.
My husband is a packrat, but has joined me in simplifying (not quite at the same level yet, but progress is good) and he actually said to me a week ago about our bedroom, "I didn't think I'd like this, but it is actually very peaceful." Then just a couple days ago our house was getting a little untidy and he came to put a bag of his things away. When I asked what he was doing, he replied "Just putting my things away. I gotta do my part because our house is getting a little messy." This NEVER would have happened in the past. He us coming around because he is learning he likes our tidy simplified spaces.
Same here. My husband is a pack rat too. So ne decluttering my stuff had really helped alot on keeping the house tidy.
This is SO awesome to hear!!!! 💕
Awww Andrea! When I read that your husband said, "Just putting my things away..." it gave me goosebumps! It finally clicked for him! He's on Team Simplify! So happy for you guys!!!
Bravo!! Congrats.
Dawn, you are changing the world, one home at a time. =) Maybe more importantly, you are changing the world of each of the individuals in those homes. ❤️
When my children were young my grandfather became ill and I had to go out of town for a couple of days. My husband took those days off to take care of the children. When I returned the first thing he said was "I will never again think when I get home from work 'what did you do all day'. I just didn't understand." There are just some days even with less stuff....
ThatsSassy What a blessing to have heard that when they were young. So many moms never hear this and doubt their abilities in taking care of their kids.
ThatsSassy I love this story. Thanks for sharing.
They need to be in our shoes to understand.
One time I left my husband with our five years old for few hours and I came home to such a mess that I couldn't even find one clean dish or fork.
Same here. Husbands do get it.
My husband recently traveled for work and stayed with family. Let's just say their home is NOT simplified. At all. After just a few short days there, my husband came home and expressed how grateful he was for the way we live. For all the work I've put in simplifying for the last 2 years. To quote him, For "How spoiled he's been to live this way." Even my son chimed in and said, "Mom, you have to LEARN how to live this way. We've learned how." Eureka! My guys are finally on board!!! It's been a long road, but everything I'm doing is 10000% with it! It was oh so gratifying to hear their words!
When what you do all day is raise human beings, your work may not be visible but there is no more important work♥️.
Thanks so much for helping us reduce the load of the less important work of caring for stuff.😊
Love this comment!
I don't know how you got any work done with 4 babies at home?! The word impossible comes to mind! You guys are adorable. Love ya.
Hahaha, that's why the house was a disaster!! 😉
The Minimal Mom - God’s Grace comes to mind! Thank you for all you share for His glory. I so appreciate you and your advice, it is changing my life!
Yes what did you do all day.? Work and keep 4 babies safe.
What did you do all day?? More than he did????????????
Trying to keep 4 children, under 4, alive is a great accomplishment! The fact that you had some website & graphic design clients is going above & beyond! You two are fun to watch! 📹
Yes! My thoughts are that looking after children is way harder than going out to work. Daddy can pick up the toys!
I've made 4 or five trips to goodwill and I couldn't even tell you most of what I gave away. Out of sight out of mind. Still a long way to go but it feels good to get two rooms easy to clean.
4 kids under five! its amazing you got anything done at all!
S.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y. :)
And not go crazy.
Kids are a blessing and you can choose to raise them be good and helpful. Many parents have better behaved kids because they invest their time in guiding and grooming their kids from an early age.
Wait, getting this straight. So wife is caring for four babies, making money on her computer as well as doing the laundry and cooking most of the time and somehow that wasn’t enough? I’m very, very glad that you found such a great way to simplify your lives! I understand the frustration and feelings of failure so well!!! But so many of us live without acknowledging the stuff we DO and the victories we achieve while focusing on the mess.
Yeah i havent finished the video but i am feeing enraged by this concept! I am not a stay at home mum i work full time but why does she have to have everything perfect for him to walk into. She is working AND caring for FOUR kids. Like mate come home and maybe take the kids for half hour so she can tidy or spend half hour yourself cleaning or starting dinner
@@ceemay3981 This bothers me too. I have not always been able to make a peaceful environment for my husband. Fortunately he doesn't expect one, only appreciates it when it can be managed. But seriously, as the one dealing with all the chaos of children all day long it's not like anyone is creating a peaceful atmosphere for me to relax in at the end of the day when my nerves are shot.
I thought the same when she was telling about those years because it was the same at our house. I was working and had little kids and a mess. But my husband is a hard worker too.... I have simplified and life is better now. Much simpler and older kids! I have little kids still but don’t work at all outside the house
I’m very blessed that my husband NEVER complained. Ever. Even when he’d come home seeing a half eaten sandwich, wife still in pjs, supper not cooked and a crying baby. Baby in swing, wife in shower, he’d start a load washing and start on supper. When I returned to work after the kids were older he sat me down and said I would have to let him help. I couldn’t do it all. Now the kids have flown the nest and we miss that crazy time. We are working to simplify our house but loved that time in our lives.
I had the same reaction. Taking care of 4 kids, including a newborn, AND working from home? There should be literally no expectation that the house will look good at the end of the day.
I heard of a woman who would tell her children in the late afternoon, "Let's tidy up the house so when Daddy gets home he'll know we've done our work too." I knew I had been working all day at home, but it didn't always show! This helped my attitude toward the end of the day (when I was getting SO tired!). It put my children and me on the same "team" to show our work for the day. I admit, I didn't always approach the evening this way but it was a game changer when I did =)
It is great how you give each other grace and understanding. You are modelling it in this video. I think the best thing between spouses is to give each other grace, forgiveness and understanding. Assume good intentions.
Thank you for this video because my husband is NOT on board with decluttering. He doesn’t mind that I’ve decluttered my things or the kitchen, dining room, my drawers and cabinets etc. but our bedroom is full of his things that he will not go through. His closet has probably 4 different sizes of clothes that he’s hoping to get back into. Don’t EVEN get me started in the basement! I went down and took several bags of “trash” out, but he will just not get rid of things and I’m afraid he’ll want the stuff in the basement and be upset if I throw his things away. So maybe you’re right, if I just continue maybe he’ll begin to come around. Clutter makes me very anxious, I have loved your ideas about not feeling guilty about giving things away. So thank you much for your help!
I realised listening to you both that I actually try and declutter other members of the family items when actually it is me who has the most clutter 🤔 I am going to rethink and start by decluttering my own stuff ( which is harder) than theirs and blaming them for the mess 😀 ( which is really due to my own frustration). Thank you both
Omgosh soo true. Whenever I get frustrated by someone else's ways, I simply tell myself I can do so, - as soon as I pick up or do all the things I'M supposed to do. Shuts me right up or gets me happily working on my stuff instead of fixated on another's.
Nice you can smile about it now. Dawn, you inspired me to declutter years ago (no kids, but a very busy life), and we are both much happier. No stuff is more important that my sanity and happiness.
It is good to hear that it took you 4 years to fully simplify. I am going through this process myself, and I become so discouraged because some days it feels like I will never make sufficient progress. I just need to give myself "grace," I suppose.
I agree that minimalism decreases the mental load in a family/home and decreases the time it takes to clean and/or make decisions. I'm glad you found a solution that works for your family!
Dawn, in your story you were working and keeping the kids alive all day. Why did you have to also be the person responsible for cleaning their messes so another person feels less stressed? Why do you have to be the person that plans and makes the dinner you all eat after that person has finished their work? Why are you expected to be a teacher, housekeeper, chef, and graphic/website designer at the same time? Tom was only doing one job for part of the time. The fact that all of your jobs happen within the same general location as your leisure activities, does not lessen the mental and energy burden they place on you.
I' assume Tom did and does a lot of things for your family while he is home (hello beautiful new deck!). The husband in the question you answered did not do much during the week. In response to the question, yes I do think the husband has too high of a standard if he thinks his wife should be doing 3+ jobs for 168 hours a week while he only does one for 40 hours and another for a couple hours on the weekend.
My thoughts too!
YES!!!
Wow Catherine, there seems to be a lot of resentment for "that person" in your comment.
Samantha Alaniz And judgment of her in yours.
I guess my thought was she did it out of love. I think most women feel the load is a bit uneven. I think she wanted to make him happy because she loved him and in a sense saw herself in the same way of feeling like why am I Always over extending and still feeling behind. Just my opinion. 😇
"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE CLEANED UP THESE SAME TOYS?" Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Omg, yes. I absolutely agree with your advice, Dawn, and I'm in the middle of it, where the hubby is realizing how much happier we are with so much less stuff despite being the biggest proponent of a "This could be useful someday" mentality. I spent YEARS feeling so resentful because the house was just so overwhelming, and when the husband would come home and give me THAT LOOK, I'd just feel like such a worthless clod to him. To your reader - please LISTEN. Dawn's giving you the absolute correct answer.
Thank you Claire!!!
No you make a mistake when you clean up these toys day after day, time after time. You begin when your child begins taking toys from the toy box or shelves. Model picking up one at a time, maybe say toys name and get them repeat. Pick up should become as routine as taking a toy out. Next you probably have another child. You should have already begun telling older child you need to put that back if done playing with it. Your younger child will join in probably before they can truly walk. "Here Jamie, you want to put this in toybox?" They learn to pull up to get toys out before they walk, they can learn to put away and have no negative connotation with that CHORE. We all need to learn to put things away not lay down. You are doing a disservice to your children when you don't teach them proper life skills. We've all had someone over, be they child or adult that leaves a messy trail everywhere they go in your home and you are glad when they leave. Teach your children to be good people-students, friend, spouse, even employee. Everyone will be happier. Today's dad can't come home, sit down at tv or computer, take off every weekend with friends for golf, ball games, etc. Everyone in family picks up for themself and helps with chores. Young children love to help when included.
Meal planning is also a huge help! I found I really dislike planning every meal or dinner so instead I made themes for each night. Monday: Mexican, Tuesday: Italian, Wednesday: Western, Thursday: Asain, Friday: freezer (store bought freezer foods so we have something easy but not as expensive as eating out each week), Saturday and Sunday: salad (usually using leftovers). This way I don’t think “what on earth am I making tonight??” Instead I think “which Mexican dish do I want?” It also makes sure I use specific ingredients I get for meals I plan in advance because I know what day that meal would land on. My young kids love the themes as well. I think kids just really like knowing what to expect.
I had three littles. My husband was in the military and never home. I was very sick and couldn't get much done. My kids are grown now and I am better health wise now. I still can't keep up. My husband is always home and I am going nutters. I can never get things finished. It is amazing how messy one man can be. If he uses something he never puts it back in its home. Yes there is a home for everything. Tools, clothes, dishes, food, electronics, they stay where they land. He yells at me about the messy garage but my stuff is in bins on shelves. He is the one with stuff everywhere.
I did a major household purge back in January when I first found your channel. My husband was super skeptical at first, bc he grew up poor and couldn’t have “all the things.” So, while he HATES clutter, he was resistant to the idea of getting rid of kids’ toys especially. Recently, I told him I wanted to go to a community yard sale. He said, “What do you think we need? I miss my minimizing wife. Bring her back!” 😂 And, despite my best efforts, thanks to the generosity of friends and family and several birthdays this year, it’s time for another major purge. Minimalism is hard to maintain in our first-world culture! I feel inspired again by this video. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing! My MR had a similar background...it brings unexpected challenges ❤️
My husband is the same way, we both grew up poor, but while I take it as we don’t need these things, he takes it as I want my kids to have all the things! LOL. But the concept of a silent to do list really spoke to him, and I am hoping that we get places soon 🤞🏻
Toys everywhere, mixed in with... maybe some garbage... 🤣😂😅
I’m watching this after distance learning with the kids all day and chasing a toddler while in my third trimester. I am so burned out. Luckily, I started minimizing five years ago for the same reason-too much stuff to manage-so at least I don’t have a million objects to pick up with my big, pregnant body whenever my children finally go to bed tonight. Because there are fewer things, they can manage their own stuff (with reminders) and still have time to do chores and play with the toddler. It’s such a blessing. I can start the dishwasher tonight and put my swollen ankles to bed before doing this all again tomorrow.
Bless your heart! 😇
Oh, I'm so happy you made a video on my question! Thank you Dawn & Tom!
Thank you for digging deeper into what lies behind the reactions to clutter and untidiness!
You made me understand the dynamics of a couple where one takes more responsibility for the daily maintenance at home. I've started to keep the main areas picked up and you explained to me why that is so important. I'll keep you posted on my progress :)
Good luck Susanna 😊🙌🏻 x
@@MitchyLou1 Thank you! 😊🙏
@Susanna B
OMG. Meal planning was so a stress. I was stressed by having to decide what we eat (not always the same, healthy, tasty, easy to cook...)
Since two years I found the solution and now not only my stress level is reduced but also my husband’s stress.
The SOLUTION was to reduce the recipe and to write each one on a small paper including the shopping list. After that I made a meal planer with compartments for every day in a whole week and also compartments for the recipe which we eat last week and two weeks before and one compartment for the “to cook next” it is something like this: pin.it/4OlRmfK
So now when I make my meal planning I only have to choose from the recipe which we didn’t eat in the last 3 weeks.
My husband now knows what I have planned to cook and where the recipe is. He is now able to cook without “destroying” my organization.
I hope this can help others reducing the stress of the meal planning!
Good stuff. I remember when my kids were little and everything seemed chaotic at home my husband Would stop at the supermarket parking lot and take a nap in his car before coming home to face us! Lol
😂😂😂
Funny 😆 ! But, wrong on so many levels lol. God Bless 🙏🏻
Love that laugh!! My husband is a primary school teacher. He asked that dreaded question a few times when our now teens were little and went on to say he had been looking after 25 kids all day. That never went down well.
When you had talked about your life before minimalsm in the past It always resonated with it. This is still spot on. My husband is a lot like Tom and he comes home and gets to walk in to a mess with kids and screaming. Not peaceful. Hopefully I can get there.
The beginning of this video made me remember how my mother used to dash around tidying both the house and us kids, getting dinner started before my father came home from work. She actually changed into a dress and then mixed him a drink as he was coming up the driveway. How times have changed!! In a big women's lib tirade, I once asked her why she did that and she answered that she loved him and wanted him to be happy to be home.
THIS is the crux of the matter! Doing something out of love. Thank you for sharing!
Your videos are so relatable and helpful. I remember watching videos on minimalism and I was intrigued but I also thought, what a strange lifestyle, surely this is unachievable for most people? You showed me otherwise. Two years ago my husband and I moved into our first house and shortly after we started decluttering. We now have ONE tote of "homeless" items left and our house is so easy to tidy. It's such a blessing as we've added to our family (a daughter, turning 2 in August) and I know my life would be so chaotic had we not purged our home of all that clutter! Thanks for all your great advice! :)
You two are just the best. Love this vid.
Exactly! I got excited about minimalism and shared info with my husband and while he thought it was interesting, was content to just watch me handle my things and our kitchen and bathroom. THEN he saw the results and started in with his closet and garage areas! This also happened with me changing my diet to eat healthier and less carbs and sugars. I shared some of my research and personal changes and didn’t suggest he change anything. THEN he started cutting out carbs and sugars!
I watched one clutter organiser where the husband complained about the untidy house they were working on it. However, they discovered that if all the chairs were returned under the table before he came home his perception was it was tidier. home
I remember that one! What is the "one thing" psychology? It was really interesting & useful. For me good smells (say super sensitive nose) actually make a huge difference (not perfume, just clean, wholesome).
“If they have more toys, it’ll keep them more occupied. If there are more dishes, then there will likely be a clean ones in the cupboard. If we have more clothes, then we don’t have to do laundry so often.“ Omg, this just summed up our household. And with raising six kids it’s become so much inventory there’s absolutely no way to manage it. At least I try to keep the front room clean, so there’s initially a tidy visual when you first enter our home. (Does anyone else do that?) But the rest of the house needs so much purging. It’s so overwhelming...
I hear you!
Want a tip for starting? Pick a lesser used drawer. Declutter it. Prove to yourself you can keep it clean. Build on that victory and gain momentum. 😉
I hear you! We have 5, and I’m definitely in the onion layer stage right now. I’ll declutter their clothes and toys and then in 2 months do it all over again because it’s still too much to manage. But it’s getting easier and honestly, my kids play way better with fewer toys now than they did with more 6 months ago. Plus, it’s so much easier to clean up!
Take that frustration and use it in your simplifying process. One of my favorite ways to deal with overwhelm is to remove things that aren’t essential. Momentum builds, and I feel better. I recommend it! Best wishes-you can do it!
J M completely understand that!
Yep I’m there with ya. I have 3 kids and it’s a lot to handle inventory wise.
The biggest fallacy I've seen (and personally experienced!) is that "if you cared enough, you'd do it". I think that's where a lot of conflict can make its way into relationships.
That's not true. The reality is simply that the systems in place just aren't working for you! So it's incredibly important to sit down with your significant other, whether you're the one who is struggling to keep up with the housework or the one who doesn't understand why the housework isn't done and COMMUNICATE. But it's also really important to remember at that phase that it's not that they don't love you, it's not that they don't care, it's just that the current situation isn't working and you need to work together to find a better way.
If you can flip the situation so it's you and your partner against the stress, against the mess, against the clutter, it's going to be far more effective than you against your partner. Then, you can work together to figure out how to go forward. Maybe one partner isn't keen on the minimalism thing, but you want to try. Ok, see if you can find a compromise like putting all those things you want to declutter into boxes downstairs and see if it works. Or maybe you try something like a chore wheel - where you list all the chores that need to be done so that you and your partner work off the chore wheel. Or maybe you work on divvying up tasks differently, see what works and what doesn't! The key is, you're experimenting to see what works for you and your relationship - not for anyone else's.
Above all, it's your partner and you fighting to vanquish the mess! Not you vs. your partner. Otherwise, you're on a highway to resentment-town which is never a good place to be.
Very wise words! So hard to do in real life 😫
Resentment Town. A high tax area, not conducive for love, honor and respect. It should be as ghost town.
This analogy has inspired me and got me thinking a bit different.
Whole heartedly agree, now could you just tell my hubby that? Haha. Whenever I say we have to do something about the house, he retorts, well you do....XYZ, or look at the dust, you don’t do anything about that, or you make a mess when you cook. Heavy sigh.
He never had to help around the house growing up. (He still calls his weed whacking and mowing the lawn “landscaping”!) So in his mind he was doing a bigger job than he was. His Mom and sisters did the lions’ share of cleaning and organizing. So he never learned how. But instead of being open to it as an adult, he “fights” against it, or criticizes me to crate conflict that detracts from the problem of organization. So I have thrown up my hands and cried uncle.
My husband has many talents...organizing is not one of them. But we will work on it!
Her partner bought plastic totes and put in garage and when they moved he found they were empty. Sorry but to me that shows he was not a help and if hidden video you would likely find a man who thinks ok I go to work and when I get home it's my time to relax. He would deny it but listen to them talk. He comes home and gets the look. No he doesn't have to say anything, even babies can express themselves with their look and voice! When she tried to change things at home-HE DIDN'T NOTICE!! So he buys totes, later finds empty, why didn't he ask if there's anything she wants him to put in and put some of his things in also. He doesn't notice when she tries to "up her game". I'm not impressed with him at all. You want a modern wife who works? Be a modern dad who comes home and it's his night to cook or do some laundry. Time of home and relax is over especially once you have children.
I hope if you had children you realized this is how he was allowed to grow up and you taught your children to keep things picked up and everyone responsible for their things. Like everyone has a clothes basket/bag for dirty clothes and one for clean clothes and they take their basket and put clean away and return that basket to laundry area. Too little for basket, buy small container at dollar type store and let them start with simple things like socks and underwear that won't wrinkle. Then help them open drawer and put sweats and pj' s away. You would be surprised if done young these aren't bad, horrible, negative things they need to do. Dad can take care of his laundry also. Make home a family retreat not a battleground.
Our husband's don't even have to SAY anything, we are already sensitive and probably feeling guilty over the mess that many times we interpret their looks in the worst possible way. Although there are definitely times they are thinking what in the world happened here. I find that a cheerful loving welcome home with a nice hug and kiss helps a lot despite the state of the home. If we are already pensive, defensive, and just kind of moody it doesn't help. This is not in direct response to the question in the video, just a general thought about this very typical situation. And just on a side note it does get easier as the kids get older and as we declutter more for sure!
Feeling like I can't cope until you talk for a bit. Love you guys. Linda
Four thumbs up for this video -- my husband agreed with your advice too. He's one of those husbands who just began to come around after I embraced minimalism about a year and a half ago. Whenever you do a video that includes Tom, I try to make sure I play it when he is within earshot.
When the kids were young, my husband would wonder about the mess of the house. I would tell him, “Do you know how much work it is to maintain this level of mess?? If I did nothing, our house would look like a hoarder lived here!” 😂🤣
when I started decluttering our house a year and a half ago my husband would tell me how nice the house looks and what a great job I was doing with not adding stuff to the house and I fed off that praise! now he's decluttering his old toys from the rafters and I'm praising him. our son is 10 and he's also a great helper. makes the house a happy home. I tell everyone i know and don't know, check out the minimal mom!!
I love how both of you try to balance being honest and being kind- it's a challenge sometimes with those we love. My husband has a MUCH higher threshold for clutter than I do and we have basically decided that he has one space- his den- that I don't touch. The exception- if we are having company, then I remind him in advance that we usually gather in his den and he'll do a clean-up. He is much more open to straighten up without any frustration or anger because I've not been nagging him daily for months about his things.
Love this!! 👍❤️
Anne Joyner oh I can relate to this. My husband didn’t mind clutter AT ALL! When I would ask him to put things away, he did. No problem. It all disappeared in a few minutes time. But, of course, everything had been shoved into cupboards and closets to the point where you couldn’t find anything else in there. Then later, I would “take care of it.” He didn’t even notice.
😟
I just love Toms smile when you talk about the past🌞
Yes I love how he looks at her when she is talking too!
Silent viewer here: can we love you guys any more??!! This was brilliant. Thanks for answering literally the most tricky question and for offering such sage advice. You guys are so inspiring in all aspects!! Love you guys!! 🖤🖤🖤
I love this! I’m a divorced single mom of three teenage boys and this concept still applies to me! It will help me explain to the boys why mom gets so frustrated to coming home to a messy house after work :)
The smirk Tom keeps giving you is everything 😂 My husband loves his things and I’m the minimalist. I leave his stuff alone and the bickering has ceased, which has actually caused him to start minimizing on his own. Great video!!
When I starting simplifying, my hubby thought it like a hotel room (yes, I like that!). Then it became the room with no distractions to read, no clock to get in a rush. He liked it. Ah!!! Yesterday I was going to hang something on our bedroom (which got simplified too) wall and he said it is looking kind of busy. Hello! Just what I needed to hear. Less is more!
I am somewhat of a pack rat when it comes to my crafting room, but....I have it very organized, labeled in like containers etc. My hubby is a pack rat out in his wood shop, but I have gone out with him and showed him how to make his work time easier and more efficient by organizing tools, nuts, bolts, screws, nails etc. he came in today after working on a project and said " wow it was so nice to know where everything was that I needed and I swept up before I came in" He was so proud of himself and I was proud of his efforts to stay on track. Thanks so much for sharing your techniques, ideas and your life!!!! You are both truly an inspiration. As always God bless and stay safe!!!
Your dynamic as a couple is so extremely sweet and precious. Complimenting each other, understanding each other, and thinking of how you can work on yourselves instead of thinking the other person is wrong is such a healthy way of thinking. You guys are couple goals!
Thank you for this. I'm having the problem of decluttering because of the resentfulness because my husband doesn't help. It's just the 2 of us and I can't get started cause he just defeats the purpose. This helps knowing I'm not alone. Thank Thank
What a lovely, respectful partnership you have with each other.
We are 5+ years into our minimalist journey and now being clutter-free is the new normal for our family. Just this weekend we realised how far we have come, when we spent the weekend house-sitting an elderly friends family home. JUST SO MUCH STUFF.
Yes!! I have always worked full time. I had 4 kids in 27 months ( they are now 18,17,16,16) and then a son who is 10 years older than the twins. I CANNOT STAND clutter. My mother in law would occasionally babysit while I was at work. She let the kids get everything out! So I’d come home and the family room was a wreck!! After I briefly greeted them, I immediately started cleaning up. I could not sit down and unwind with my kids with the house like that. My mother in law wouldn’t say anything to me, but to my husband about how I just needed to play with the kids and not clean up. I ended up hiring a nanny. I would have rather paid someone and had them do what I needed than to have free care but be judged because I hate clutter and messes!!!! It was sooooo stressful to me!!
I'm a minimalist and aim to live simply as well but if I had 4 kids to take care of don't you dare ask me what I did all day. You won't like the answer... lol
Too funny. Brought a tear to my eye
4 kids in 4/5 years ? PLUS working @ the same time you were taking care of the kids- all day , AND doing housework, cooking, errands, etc.
Alot to expect of one person
You two are a joy to watch! Especially like Dawn’s little giggles throughout! Tom seems to be a patient guy. God bless you for the sample you are to all the You Tube fans.
Such great advice. I wish I too simplified more. One thing I started doing was only three gifts/child, four children here too, at Christmas. Sometimes carried that over to birthdays or just couldn't buy a lot on our income. The other thing we did was do a gift experience instead of material gifts. They enjoyed that just as much or more.
I own a single wide trailer. We have one closet and so I’m sure you can imagine the way things look after a while. Just this week I started putting things out to the curb. It’s a start ! This house is driving me insane and I’ve been a subscriber for almost a year ! You are such an inspiration !
This is so true! I went through the same process. I only have two children so I can’t imagine with four🙂You’re channel has been a blessing especially with minimizing the children’s things. Thanks again!
You guys are great ❤️ I've been decluttering and tidying for 2 years now and everything you say has been true for us! Such a blessing!
The biggest problem my husband has with decluttering is that he doesn’t have the energy or desire to declutter after a long day from work. So pulling from Dawn’s advice about putting things in a box for a while instead of tossing things away... I declutter for him and put all the things I pulled out in a box out of the house. He knows about this box, and goes through it if he can’t find something he needs! Then after six months of not living with the most of those items, I’ll show them to him before donation day and he ends up wanting to get rid of most of the box. 😊
So thankful for you Dawn. Continue to tell my friends all about you!! What a huge difference minimalism has made in my family's life!!
I hope you enjoy your new fridge!!
Thx for this conversation! I loved Susann's question. Thank you for your reply to her and including the rest of us!! You guys are of such encouragement to us!
How Refreshing and uplifting! I am a single person and realize I have too much to manage. Thank you for the reminder that it is a process.
Dawn!!!! I am decluttering and I think for sure I have too much inventory !!!!! I feel so much joy w my clothes but I don’t think I need 95 pairs of slacks for work! Even thou they r all gorgeous ! So I’m letting go of some stuff but I think as I gain more confidence I can do even more !!!! Thx for all ur encouragement and good laffs!!! Ox
Me to my husband: You can only see what I DIDN'T do today, not anything that I DID do today.
He couldn't see how many meals and snacks I prepared all day - he only saw the dishes. He couldn't see how many clothes I washed/folded/put away because he could only see what laundry was still there. He couldn't see how many time I walked through the process of apology and forgiveness with our two kids, because there is no physical evidence of it. He couldn't see how many times I stopped to wipe bottoms, refill sippy cups, read books, wipe away tears, prayed for a lost lovie to be found and on and on, but because he saw unfinished activities, he assumed I accomplished nothing all day. After the 3rd time of me explaining that he can't yet see the evidence of what was done all day, he finally understood. He started helping with dishes without being asked and strated assuming that if the house WAS a wreck, it was a reflection of just how far I got in accomplishing ANYTHING I had set out to do that day, and he considered how discouraging that could be for me. Once that pressure was lifted off me, it was much less stressful to keep up because I didn't have the weight on me that he would be disappointed yet again, I knew he would instead be understanding. Perspective changes everything - for him and me. ❤
I just love how you two work together and acknowledge the differences you have so you can capitalize on each other's strengths. Happy Tuesday!
1. We don’t all have a Tom, let’s be real.
2. I’m sorry, but if my husband doesn’t see it, use it, remember it...etc. I’m rage purging! It feels great!! My husband is borderline hoarding but it’s Interesting because you don’t see that when it’s your own stuff you see it when it’s someone else’s. Your channel has helped me so much!
I just wanted to tell you that you inspire me daily! I have started watching your decluttering videos daily and you are so helpful to me. I am tackling my paper clutter right now and have just watched several of your paper organization videos. Thankyou!!!!
Oh my gosh! I had 4 kids 5 and under (twins in the middle). I can so relate. I would leave the folded laundry out so my husband could see that I did SOMETHING ! (2 loads a day). I'm sure the last thing he felt like doing at the end of the day was stopping by the store for the 2 things I really needed. As far as picking up, a friend described it to her attorney husband perfectly, "Imagine if you dictated briefs all day and someone came in and pressed erase." My youngest is 39 now, we did survive.
Sounds like my life minus the husband helping on the weekends....... 🙄
You guys are great. Truly you are very relateable and everything you say makes sense.
It's such a big picture thing...our society which encourages purchasing, our stress levels and our relationships....
I have been watching your videos for quite some time now and I think you guys have got to be the cutest couple ever!!! Don't think I've ever seen a couple more loving, caring, respectful, kind, considerate, happy, fun-loving, etc., etc, towards each other than the two of you❣❣❣ God certainly did a fabulous job bringing you both together!! Lots of love to you both and to your family 😃💖💖💖🙏👍🎉
When my husband comes home from work he would never ever be discouraged by clutter or me not knowing what to make for dinner. He has worked 8 to 10 hours at work and he knows that I have worked 8 to 10 hours in the house. I have done the laundry, homeschooled the kids, worked in the homeoffice, cleaned the floors, the sink and what not and have taken care of the kids every second. My husband knows that. When he comes home everyone of us has had a hard work day so we cook together, tidy up together and spend time with the kids together.
Why should a man's workday stop at 5pm while the woman keeps on working? That would not be fair.
Amen!
Absolutely!
Wonderful video! Thank you. I am still such a cluttered person, which is totally exaggerated by us moving all the time. Like I was lucky we stayed at our last apartment for 15 months and got to spend Christmas without moving Hahahaha
I appreciate your channel. It’s fun, educational and so calming. Thank you for being a great example to follow.
I don't even wait to the end of the video. I just thumbs up and open a comment window, because I know I'll love it and I know I'll be encouraged.
You two are the best! Thank you for sharing. It matters tons! God bless!
This reminds me of the Christian wife going to church without her husband and him eventually coming around.
I love the way Tom looks at you
EXACTLY how my husband and I have had talks in the past hence my journey to minimalism. It does get better when the kids help out and you have less stuff. Haha. Still working on it especially now that we both had undiagnosed adhd. A lot of stress on a marriage without other things contributing as well. But we are working on year 21 and still choose each other and our marriage every day with God’s grace for us and shown through us.
Before every Christmas, we would get the kids together and give them donation boxes; for them to chose what to give away. They were great with it, as I told them it would make more room for their new toys they would be getting and they would be helping other kids.
Dawn, I so look forward to your videos. You and your family are absolutely wonderful humans. ♡ I have binged so many of your videos since I discovered them a few weeks ago, and I can never get enough! You have inspired me to begin my journey of "less stuff" because...baby steps!! Lol. Because of you, I have organized my fridge, cleaned out every single kitchen cabinet, gone through endless bathroom goods, gotten rid of junky toys, gotten rid of bags of kid clothes, cleaned out my own closet, scrubbed my sinks, done the dishes like it's my job, and so much more! Taking loads of things to donate has been so liberating and freeing. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 and these past few months have been madness. For the first time in never, I feel so much more confident about trying to keep up with the housework. I am excited to begin meal planning too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience and stories, minimal mama.♡ You will never know how much I needed this! I look forward to all your videos and projects of the future.
Such a handsome, sweet Couple ! You guys are the Best !
So glad I found your channel. I have decluttered my place quite a bit, but still have stuff, i.e. books & sentimental items. I need to go back & watch some of your earlier videos to get more inspiration.
Understand the guy thinking, “whoa what went on here today?”, but interesting that dad didn’t also think, “looks like mom could use my help to put MY kids’ mess away”! Kids always make messes.
But it’s good you’ve come to a happy medium and a plan that works for you. You’re right, too much stuff makes more work. However, it seems to fall to the mom when you’re a SAHM-er. When I worked full time our house was anyways clean; the kids were in daycare so we were only home for dinner and bedtime. They were also very little so they didn’t carry things all over the house. As they get bigger they get more stuff and the stuff is bigger too.
You’re also lucky that your husband isn’t a “clutter bug”. Mine always has an avalanche on his dresser and his closet, and his night table, and a pile on the floor beside it. He puts random papers on all of these surfaces, like even junk mail and old receipts. How he even gets it into the bedroom I don’t know. But he has intentions of “reading something” and evening after 26 years of marriage he hasn’t acknowledged that he’s never going to read the junk mail or the random printed thing. Sometimes I’ll hair get sick if it and start tossing things. I can’t ask him what the things are because he gets agitated. Duh, of course because he has no idea what they are! It is not my job to clean up after him. But it’s also not my job to clean the entire rest of the house just because he hasn’t touched it. I don’t walk around leaving stuff everywhere yet my now grown daughters seem to “blame me” for it. My son and husband use our top floor for office and bedroom and music studio. I finally stopped going up there. So now they all know that I didn’t do it and they can’t say the stuff is mine! When the 5 kids all slept up there, they had weekly chores, we vacuumed and dusted regularly and did their laundry and cleaned the bathrooms TOGETHER. Now, with only the two of them (one son left at home) there are always bags of trash and piles of old outdated books and pizza boxes and just junk. The bathroom always smells and looks like a gas station bathroom because 2 men are using it. It’s the 3rd floor and I can’t carry that stuff down the stairs and we don’t have curbside heavy trash pickup. So it all has to go in re lgukar garbage bags and into our cans. Husband doesn’t “see clutter” or understand organization for that matter. He “knows” it’s not neat but doesn’t know how to “fix it”. Anywhere in the house. He won’t put a glass away if it’s not his, or put it on the dishwasher if it’s not “his” and won’t wipe off kitchen counters. When I cook he says I have to clean up after myself, etc.! He insists he is near and cleans up after himself but of course that is not the case. if something spills, like coffee, he uses a dry towel to “clean it” up. In other words, he’ll rub the coffee into the floor or the counter! He insists you don’t need water to clean it up! And gets mad at me when I say it does. So you can forget about actually picking stuff up and putting it where it goes. He’ll keep his bowling balls in the living room all year long. It’s so frustrating and I’m too tired to get on everyone or do it myself.
But having a system of a routine and a designated place for the things is good too, even with “more than minimal” stuff. I have tried but I’m the only follower of it, is it doesn’t work. And no, I don’t make it overly complicated. We have minimal storage closets and kitchen cabinets, so it’s not hard to see where something “belongs”.
Anyway, I’m glad to have found your channel to give me some techniques for decluttering to prepare for our empty nest years.
My husband is the same. I started to declutter almost 2 years ago and I have minimized my stuff. Now I should tackle my husband things to see more results but he doesn't want. Plus I have fibromyalgia and some days I just can't tidy up the house. It's frustrating when I spend my "spoons" to clean up something and the moment he's home the mess will return instantly 😔
My husband wasn't really into this when I started my minimalism journey, then one day he said, "Our home is much more peaceful now." They do eventually notice. lol
I know an example of where you made a "suggested compromise" to Tom: the tray on top of the fridge!!
Dawn and Tom, I absolutely loved this video, it really hit home when our kids were young! You guys totally cracked me up quite a few times while watching this one. Dawn, (speaking to Tom) 'I was the one who attracted clutter, not you. Tom, Woo... we got that recorded!'
Tom, I could really use a video on how you got started on one of your selling sprees. I don't even know where or how to begin this process! So please Tom, would you make a video about that? Pretty please, with ice cream on top! ~Margie
So you had 4 small kids and he ask whath you had done all day?????
You kept the kids alive and healthy all day!
Can’t wait for the info on the selling sprees! Please give details on how to do it!
Appreciate you both and that you are so relatable!! This sounds like my husband and I when our 3 oldest kids were 2,3,4 years old 10 years ago!! Jesus sure helps in keeping our marriage going, but I am on your minimalism bandwagon now since moving last November and love the peace it's given our family! But my husband is the more tidy one and I grew up in a household where we only cleaned if people were coming over and we were notorious for shoving things in closets and unused areas! I'm glad I didn't keep the same standards as an adult! But really, my husband would get so mad at the papers I would have everywhere and just throw it all away. It gave me so much animosity toward him and so much anxiety about never seeing my kids schoolwork ever again. I definitely had my faults and still do but my advice is to never throw anyone's stuff away, and if anything, put it in a tote and quarantine it, I so love that idea. Again this video was great and almost feel like I should be paying you for your therapy sessions, Dawn! 😁 If you aren't counselors or something at your church already I know you guys would be awesome at that. God bless
Totally agree, about not throwing out someone else’s stuff away!! I always take a photo and forward it to hubby or whoever in the house I think it might belong to, just to confirm if they need it or if it can be thrown out! Be it receipts or anything I’m unsure of! I think it all boils down to respect!! We have to respect the fact that it may mean nothing to you but everything to the next person!!
Thank you so much! My husband and I have been struggling with minimizing and keeping the house tidy. My clutter threshold is really low but I am also a clutter bug and I see to attract it. Your videos are the only thing that helps me focus and bring down my anxiety. I am so grateful.
2 things I’ve learned in my journey that I’m still trying to fully implement - 1. Make room for his stuff. Declutter your stuff and the kids stuff so much that his stuff fits comfortably.
2. Keep everything so tidy that he notices his mess. If there is so much clutter that his stuff blends in, he won’t feel compelled to do anything about his clutter.
Love this video so much!
My issue is, everyone likes the idea of being having less stuff and being more organised, but no one but me actually wants to put in the work. I’m disabled and it’s such a struggle to manage to do anything and everyone just has a “Mum will do it” attitude!
Throw everything in a big garbage bag and set it out by the can. Done. Mom did it!
Have you discussed it with your family. If not, I think sit them all down and have a really frank discussion with them. No blame attached, and no “you did this in the past”.... more of a moving forward let’s all agree what we are going to do together and who is going to do what.
Love the smile on Toms face watching you talk. You two are so sweet and cute together. Thank you these are very helpful
This makes me so thankful that my husband's clutter threshold is higher than mine 😂 But I completely agree that simplifying and getting rid of stuff is absolutely the answer. Before naps and bedtime my 18-month-old cleans up her own toys, for example. It's not a big deal when there aren't a ton of toys!
The bin on the fridge is your compromise!!!! -Lindsay
Love that you all have found a solution that works! My husband is a teacher and so any little thing he thinks he can use ends up floating around our house somewhere, along with all his printed materials, professional reading, etc. He has a corner in the living room by his recliner where I round it up and put it. It takes up 2 side tables! But then he complains when the kids want to play with it (it's within their reach). 😂 I feel like we have decluttered so much but our house still feels so full and cluttered! Is it because there's 5 of us (2 adults, 3 under 3) in an 1100 square foot home?? Or do we truly have too much stuff? I really don't know. 😅
I like this video, OMG Tom it took you 4 years, wow, that's crazy because you both seem so into minimalism now! Shows it takes time to adjust! I'm about a year, a little less, into our journey! Husband definitely took a while, but I just assign reminders on our shared calendar and it seems to help him do his part! Love the content as always. I still need to work on the kids toys, that is the hardest for me! Lol
Do you have some book / reading recommendations on the science behind what clutter does to us? 😀
I think, too if when a husband comes home and the place is a disaster, if he could look and find something that has been done, to appreciate it because then you feel like they DO see something you’ve done and it is motivating. When you have young kids the whole day can be eaten up with feeding people and trying to get them to sleep. It can be discouraging enough to feel like you get to the end of the day and there’s nothing to show for your exhaustion, but raising kids is noble, if humble work.
I love the box/tray on top of the fridge