You and everybody else…the trouble is for some people it takes time to realise they are in a crappy relationship or feeling alone…or keep making it crappy because they are too afraid to be hurt.
1:34 Crap-fitting and People pleasing 3:15 Emotional flashbacks (repressed emotional outbursts, or faking emotions, and/or having no boundaries) 5:00 Embarrassed to say what you want in a relationship (fear of marriage) 7:15 Processing death (endless loop of talking about traumatic feelings) 9:17 Abandonment Melange (A toxic combo of grief, rage and terror. Your feelings are distorting your perception.) 10:34 Regulating and balancing the time it takes to build healthy relationships with work arounds. (This video is worth watching in its entirety, but I did timestamps for quick reference, in case I'm in a brain fog sometime in the future and I need a refresher on a specific point. Hope it's useful to others, also.)
Women are fearful of saying they want marriage because men won't consider it. I observed with older men, they might receive marriage proposals but are not interested in commiting. They want long term relationships only. They often have many women for partial emotional-only relationships.
I have never had a healthy relationship with a man and few healthy friendships. I was always so exhausted from my unhealthy relationships that I drifted away from my healthy friendships. I am way to easy going that I'm drawn to people that start out super nice, then take advantage of my compliance and need to please. When they finally push to the point I can't take it anymore and start to set reasonable boundaries, they rage at me. Now, when it gets to that point I'm like... "oh you're one of those people" and walk away. I crap fitted to friends and boyfriends for years because I didn't feel I could walk away if I wasn't treated well. In my family I felt shamed if I didn't have friends, that it was proof that I was unworthy.. I am scared of healthy, because if someone healthy does reject me it's proof I'm unlovable. I also am not strong enough in who I am yet to not get sucked into someone else's life in a codependent way.
The trouble is when it keeps happening over and over both in personal life and friendship and work life, you seem to repel people as if you are toxic and they can sense it. You get misunderstood constantly
@@PreYeah That was helpful, thanks! It's all about what the other person thinks because I don't think to consider what I'm feeling as important Besides, the people I always had the most respect for, and seemed the healthiest, were people that had the most faith in my abilities and treated me with respect. They just happened to be people just passing through my life briefly or I was too busy with people that demanded all of my energy.
4yrs recovering alone from lifetime of narccissists...thought maybe i was ready to date or have f-buddy...nope!! Realized this "nice guy" and anyone I'm sexually attracted to are ALL emotionally unavailable in one way or another!😖😫 fortunately, I am seeing this before I get into a relationship and get hurt again!!🤔🙏 I don't know if I ever want to risk being in a relationship again...too all-consuming for me...I trauma-bond, become obsessed and completely enmeshed with the person!!😐
I'm praying that is true my friend I'm 49 and just divorced and I'm in no,mans land with my family. The pain is ripping me apart. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY AMEN ✝️.
@@dmc1806 you too. I am still kind of in no man's land after leaving family of origin but things are getting better for sure from where they once were.
I often avoid your videos when I first see them pop up. I know that the information in them will be beneficial, but I also worry about what feelings will come up while I’m watching. Frequently it’s pointing out things I’ve done or am still doing that I recognize are not best for me. That being said, you have a great way of delivering the information and wrapping it all up to leave me feeling hopeful.
Let me encourage you. Just being here is progress. One of my more trusted mentors now that I am stronger presented the idea that life offers us adventures. He said, Take the ride. I love that. We can learn to take small risks.
Alyssa, I do the same thing. The videos are great and hit the core. But I feel such discomfort going there that I'll put off watching some videos bc I'm not prepared to feel that way. It's hard enough for me to get by, day to day, that it scares me to purposely feel that way.
💖....looking at oneself can be quite painful...especially when you feel you give so much in life of yourself...and still feel abandoned by people you love.....but its the essential first step to radical acceptance of our truth....only with acknowledging our current truth we are living, can we begin to create a new way of being.... healing growth forward in every area of life.🪞🧘🏻♀️💖🙏
All my potential romantic relationships tend to derailed before they leave the station. I feel that my unhealed abandonment issues has kept me from having a normal relationships that most people seem to take for granted. I can remember around the age a 12 or so, the age where I became the scapegoat, that I wanted to get marred to a "soulmate". Now that I'm terminally ill and getting too old to, getting marred to a "soulmate" is my dying wish. I always wanted to know how feels to be loved by another person before I leave this place.
Sending you love and comfort. God loves you unconditionally, I know it’s not the same as physical intimacy but just know that he cares for you greatly and is with you always xxx
@Joey Barszcz You don't have to marry, if you don't want to. It's just important, that you know your own reasons and reflect on them. Sometimes Trauma can make you say "I don't want a partner, I don't need friends, etc.", because you're scared of bonding, or of being abandoned in a relationship. As long as this is not the case, not wanting marriage/a relationship is perfectly fine. :)
@Joey Barszcz Don't compare too much. Do what is a consciously good decision for you. I'm only 23 years old and I absolutely want to get married. How's that? It means safety & commitment for me & the child(ren) that I might have one day. Marrying just shows "Hey, I really want to spend my life with you & I'm ready to go all in on it." 😇
I finally got a happy marriage and "learned to" have friends, but Anna helped me understand why I've been "peripheral" of every group I was a part of, mysteriously incapable of being on the "in-group" of any organization. By the way I'll pile on here: Anna you are amazing; bringing previously unimagined peace of mind. Thank you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Hiya Fairy, could you please elaborate what you mean, my asd dyslexic brain needs more imformation!!! Thank-you for videos and replies, Rocky. :)
@@trrahr5496 I think it’s just a matter of our own perceived “value”… we don’t think we are enough. And/or we don’t get too intimate so we cannot being rejected../abandoned. We wrongly perceive that we are not the same “friends” as other and therefore our actions will bring that results. It’s a self made prophecy too… my friends started to reach for me and treat me with more respect when I discovered my self value and I felt I was good enough. I didn’t thought there was something wrong with me anymore. I stopped chasing or thinking about the “issue” and everything fell in place afterwards. I do sometimes randomly still think that I am “bothering” people if I contact them too much or befriend them “too much” but I’m doing so much better
Safe people often feel awkward to me, I find that I push them away. My current partner is so devoted and always caring towards me, it makes me want to run away sometimes. Postive self talk is a useful tool, also telling him where I am coming from, my trauma/triggers. I just bite the bullet and go for it. A person who really cares about you won’t scare easily, bc you’re worth it. And so am I.
This woman is honestly amazing. This kind of information is so life-changing for people who have suffered under the great weight of not only the original hurts they experienced, but the myriad of ways in which they have replayed throughout other situations in their lives since. To be able to shine light on all of those dark corners of our lives that we feel could only ever be comprehended by us alone is such an important step towards being able to heal and to redirect one’s life in a much more fulfilling direction, so thank you so much for your work and for what you do for others. “You’re trying to learn to love people in a healthy way and nothing could be more beautiful and noble” - this line was so moving!
This woman. Her videos scare me emotionally. I know I might cry because she will say something so pinpoint accurate of why I'm hurting and those events that made me that way will come back sometimes. You're an amazing person Anna.
Anna, I am so glad that I found your channel. I am Gizem and I grew up with physical and emotional childhood abuse for 17 years.. For the first time (I really mean it..) in my life, I feel completely understood! You are an angel for putting your work on RUclips. So people like me, like us, can finally feel accepted here! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! I really needed this video right now :(
She's amazing isn't she? When she explained about not knowing basically what was ok and what wasn't ok...I've put up with so much because it was what I'm used to and now I'm not even near people to form healthy bonds as friends with
There are so many of us out here with "issues"... I was fortunate to find a man who grew up w/"issues" different than my "issues" and that helped us form a wonderful bond of compassion, empathy & love in our relationship and we helped each other with parents, step parents, step siblings, crisis and more dumb issues...we were a team to deal with all of these things. There is someone perfect out there for each and everyone of us in spite of our "issues".
Thus was my hope for my last relationship but I guess he felt my crap was worst than his crap.... but it did show me how open I can feel.... I used to break up and feel I don't want it for a while but now... I am like it didn't work, I did my best and move on
Watching this for the third time. You are right, my red flag detector is getting better and better with the daily practice. I was able to spot an absolute disaster and take appropriate steps where my previous self would have jumped right in and then blamed myself for being so hurt!!! baby steps!!
I just wanted to find love, to stop feeling like the little scared boy inside the man. To have someone like everyone else seems to have. In my last relationship a part of me knew i was being used. But I was finally with someone who wasn't hurting me, who sometimes said she loved me. I clung to all the pretending because I wanted it to be true.
I guess having a crappy childhood brainwashes you into thinking this is what you deserve. I have always felt that healthy, well-adjusted people would never want someone like me, so I find people just as broken as I am, hoping we can fix each other. It never works out that way. My low self esteem does not help. My ex wife said I caused all the problems on our marriage, despite her long history of failed previous marriages. The more I tried to fix things, I was told I "wreek of desperation" and she left me.
Having multiple, constructive, hobbies really helps a lot. You could even turn it into a side job and sell on etsy, craft shows or play music, or build things.
You need a simple, positive partner and a tight circle of good friends. And the hobby things someone else mentioned is good. Do you think you have to have a certain physical type? Throw that out the window.
its hard i would always latch on to every negative thing directed at me even the littlest thing someone accused me of i would shatter, i just want a healthy relationship
It makes me so mad that my parents messed me up this bad and now I’m stuck fixing such horrible feelings and thoughts bc they couldn’t just love me properly
I've never read or heard people want what they received in their childhoods, but that they gravitate towards the familiar, like us all... because it feels comfortable at some point. Basically doing something by habit, rote, or happenstance is not a conscious decision after some point if it ever was. We are feeling around a dark room for the things that make us feel safe at that moment, regardless to the ultimate outcome. Until we see that something is wrong and find a way to navigate better.
Hi KoreaMojo, the idea of repeating childhood experiences means we gravitate towards what was normalized for us. Additionally, a lot of us try to fix what went wrong when we were powerless children. That motivation can be a powerful pull and is something many of us need to be aware of and actively work to change.
I’m sure you learned and know a lot about CPTSD. This is however not what Anne and this Chanel is about. Anne has shared a method of healing not available through psychology. She has mentioned this several times. Her method is based on her empirical healing. More than one therapist do say that we are looking to recreate our childhood even tho you “ never read or heard people saying this”. Perhaps you should look into neurography as a healing psychology method that seems to be something Anna discovered intuively and now, it’s a recognized method ... Anna has helped thousands of people with her method and her generosity in sharing her experience. Psychology is a science. It never ends. There are hundreds of schools... I’m grateful for Anna . Such authenticity is exceptionally rare and she said many times that she is no therapist as you might know. She is a “ fairy” who discovered the magic dust to healing. And she spreads the dust! This is called empiric healing. Your comments are not welcome.
No, we don't want to get abandoned, or recreate our childhood, and we still do, because it is all we know . So, until we are unconscious to it, we do. Unfortunately, it is true . When I learned this, and admitted it, was able to change it, learn new, healthy ways to be, to live, to love, until then, we are blind and follow the script.
Exactly. It is not a conscious recreation, but comes from a programming on a subconscious level. As long as you are not aware of this it will run your life.
I honestly thought I wasn't supposed to want marriage and children. I felt like something was wrong with me. I ran from the prospect of marriage and sabotaged the relationship and I don't even know why. I abandonned the only relationship that didn't abandon me. And I still don't quite understand. All i wanted was love but I felt like I couldn't trust love.
I was adopted, then my adopted dad was hit by a train when I was 4 mos. old. Mom turned to the bottle. As an only child with a drunk single parent, I felt very alone & very abandoned. I often thought she was dead on the floor ( passed out) when I was 4 or 5 & the conditional love and yelling scared & scarred me. I am over 50 now & kinda tired. These videos are life sustaining, I wish they were there for me long ago. I am alone but choice from fear, and I guess self isolation… but a real desire to be settled & in love. I’m not sure I know what love actually feels like other than for my own adult kids. Weird. Processed feelings absolutely freaking drains us! Thanks 🙏 for this.
@@sueg6309 I’m also an adoptee - on a cognitive level I know my family love me, but with certain members it still came with strings attached. I didn’t/don’t have what I’d call a close, meaningful relationship with either a-parent. Counselling from someone who understands trauma and abandonment issues has helped a lot, but a lot of confusion still exists in my brain about relationships, love, and acceptance.
I think most of us start to get triggered around “ abandonment “ when in our relationship we are starting to “ be abandoned “ - in all the ways someone can abandon another .. I mean for real.
Some folks do try to recreate their childhood traumatic experiences or find people similar to their abuser/neglector though at a subconscious level. But with this said, I agree with you. We become brilliant at adapting to the most dysfunctional situations. And yes…Not all of us are trying to recreate our childhoods. It varies like everything in life. We live in a spectrum. I’m not sure what’s better or worse, but Thank goodness I never took my trauma/pain/anger out on others. I always took it out on myself. I never gave my partners a hard time, actually they abused me badly. Luckily, my current partner of 10 years is an amazing man that showed me what true love is and helped me with co-regulation. I changed for the best due to his love, compassion, kindness and understanding. He helped me to truly see my worth. 🙏♥️✨ P.S. abandonment melange is a nicer way to say that someone has BPD.
"abandonment melange" is the feeling I have that I think of as my anxiety feeling, the poisonous rush through my body, is that not correct? I used to get it as a kid because I was thinking I wanted to hurt the person who bullied me and that thought scared me and then that feeling would rise up through my body.
Anna is one of the most empathetic people I've ever seen. She's wonderful!!! I absolutely LOVE all of her videos!! So generous and understanding...Thank you very much for your videos!
I’d just like to share this. A few years ago I went alone ( as I’m single with an abandonment history ) to a relationship therapist. In the first session she told me that I ‘probably’ would never achieve a close relationship… ( just think about how damaging that would be to hear ). I went home - felt angry & upset. Calmed myself. Made another appointment. Prepared myself. Calmly told the therapist why she had acted so inappropriately & the effect it had on me. She told me she ‘didn’t say it ‘ then crumpled. I walked out. I’m now a trained therapist myself ( but I totally agree that talking over & over again about past wounds is triggering & doesn’t work for me. In decades of struggling with inner trauma - I can truly say that you are a breath of fresh air. Your practical, solution focused approach backed up by research, & most importantly your own personal experience is the key I’ve been searching for all my life.
Its not about being abandoned. Its about getting rid of the abusers which unfortunately keep coming my way. It is difficult to see these abusers coming.
Wow I just took the deepest breath of relief ever, 38 seconds in!! Thanks for boldly debunking something we've all been told. There is definitely no way I've ever "wanted" to be abandoned or "tried" to recreate my childhood. What a toxic perspective that's always made me feel more broken and ashamed. Thank you!
just the word “crap fitting” elicits imagery of a jig saw puzzle with pieces made out of manure, and the final picture is that of a dysfunctional family abusing and neglecting each other
Complex CPTSD patterns are typical yes. We attract the same in others and then reenact the scenario, over and over again, until we eventually wake up. My experience of child abuse was long-term and emotionally extremely damaging. Drifting in and out of relationships to compensate the loss does get us abandoned over and over again and more and more traumatised,but we're all born with different coping skills. While some victims are too damaged to rise put of it, others become incredible survivors who go on to help others. Because I had no one to help me I learned to survive in the best way I could, but because the trauma was also an embarrassment to me, I tried to cover it up to avoid remaining outcast pretending I was someone else. Disassociation can lead to serious mental illness. . In other words I learned to survive with a false self, ever living up to a false image, and leaving my abandoned inner child starving, suffering and forever trying to be who I was not. . I didn't know how to be myself because I had no real self, she was denied the right to be. I was paying the price for my entire family's abuse and forced by my self blame to accept it was all my fault.
what do you mean false self? the creation of an identity is via stimuli that evoke something (emotion, consensual data) within us. inner child? what does that even mean?
love the one about asking for what you need. If you can do that...confidently and without shame...you'll eliminate so many people that are not good for you
I sure would like to get to the bottom of that. I have never ever been able to keep a guy. My entire blood family do not talk to the other. I saw men abandon my mom growing up, though. So now, I am going at life alone. No friends to speak of. I have turned my energy into canning food, growing peppers and herbs, and producing some great artwork. It doesn't mean I don't get lonely; I have learned over time, a long time, to be able to accept it.
Hey, I’m really lonely too, day to day life I’m alone. I have some friends and family but so often I go days without talking to anyone besides like at stores. I also struggle finding a healthy relationship with a man. My dad was abusive and although my step dad has been great to our family, I never had a good close relationship with him or any man. It’s hard, I get lonely too and feel so stuck.
@Millie M I am really sorry you are experiencing this too. Maybe she has some answers for us. I failed to mention that my mom was super mean and also abandoned me. I never knew my dad. Saw him once when I was a really young child.
Some of these points definitely apply, but the main reason I always get abandoned is that every man I've been with was damaged, addicted to alcohol, emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. Nobody could have made those relationships work.
How did you know, fairy? Yeah it happened yestarday, but I really think leaving the relationship was the best for the both of us. Thank you for all your help!
I love how wise you are! It certainly makes a difference to hear from someone who has been on the journey. Thankyou so much for all this incredible and free content...this is soo helpful
"They may be interested, but they are not capable of making that kind of commitment." Yes, that is me! This was my last relationship, in particular. He wasn't an awful person or a narcissist or abusive or married. He was just not capable and I really should have known that. The red flags were there.
I’ve just been reading the work of Pete walker, thank you for sharing that. I had this huge surge of abandonment melange today, and reading through his work helped me to feel that I wasn’t some crazy psycho, and that my experiences and feelings are valid. I mostly go through these experiences in silence while fawning, as which happened today. But after regulating and listening and reading, I can feel like a complete human again, and have something for next time. Thank you 🙏🏻
I have been single for over 35 years. One reason is I'm a Christian and it's hard to meet men that are willing to wait until marriage but a very realistic one also is the fear of this very thing you're talking about happening when I'm in a relationship. I know I'm almost like two people. When I feel pressured or smothered I go off the deep end and I know I can hurt people but I don't want to. So I've more or less made a decision not to pursue a relationship for fear that they'll probably end up leaving me when they see this side. Sure doesn't sound like I have a whole lot of faith in God huh? I'm working on that one too. My parents used to do this weird thing when they wanted to punish us. They would wait until there was something we really really wanted to do. It could be months later but when that time came they would tell us know you can't because remember when you blah blah blah blah? Well of course I don't remember I'm a little kid. So that left me never bothering to look forward to anything and the trust is not even in existence when it comes to people.
I had never heard of emotional flashbacks or abandonment melange until I came across your Utube Videos:) Looking back over my life, I can clearly see many times where I have been triggered by these and it’s now so helpful to have a name and understanding of what is going on. Thank you so much Anna for the work you are doing to make CPTSD know and helping people heal and give them hope! I’m currently taking your first course and look forward to taking others in the future! There is hope, we can heal!
I had two separate therapists tell me things like that. Once in my 30s during a couple's session the therapist said to me "people like you will never have a healthy relationship" and the other was in the hospital when I was 16, after I was repeatedly raped and beaten and I attempted suicide by slashing my arm and also shortly after the therapist had spoke with my father who was one of my abusers, she said .. "you're not the perfect Princess you make yourself out to be"....still kills me inside and I'm 41 now still suffering with CPTSD.😔
Hallelujah! I love this analogy to illustrate most if not all the ways we're negativity judged for CPTSD symptoms, especially by (our) abusers. "Why don't you do your homework/get better grades/lose weight/make an effort to be more social/keep a job/get a real job/tidy the house more/exercise/stop complaining, crying, being suicidal...?" Sure, at a certain point in *healing*, once we've received the right information about our condition and some tools to self regulate, there comes a time when we need to take more responsibility for changing things we don't like. But before that - when we're still children or still suffering without support or information, then it's like telling someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk already.
I think what your therapist meantime is subconsciously Obviously not consciously lol But yes we tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar Because sometimes the abuse is the kind where it wasn’t “all bad” , not all the time My childhood was filled with a lot of fun happy moments a lot of excitement a lot of travel some luxury and no hard times to be quite honest, but it was unstable af and I was constantly being moved around and was never able to hold on to any friendships and constantly had to leave the people and places I loved and called home and eventually it took its toll My mother was more of a “friend” and less of a parent She was never there for me once I became a teen and she just abandoned me except when she would come around to use me for narcissistic supply’s aka attention. And she sabotaged my every attempt and becoming independent and having my own life It went from a dream to a nightmare the minute she saw I was starting to grow up and she felt threatened with “abandonment” There was also an absolute immense amount of emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse tons of gaslighting and I had NO support system or family or friends to rely on because she had taken all of that from me and I was completely isolated and she made me believe her abuse was normal and that that was love I’ve noticed this same pattern in my relationships I attract people who want to use me for a good time and don’t actually want to put in a lick of effort and just like I did with my mother, I’m always the one ending up doing all the effort to actually make the relationship work It’s like I’m chasing that initial high before it all went wrong instead of just accepting that it was all love bombing and that they don’t actually love me and never did and we’re just using me and I know that but it just hurts to accept yknow like idk I just feel like a kid again and I just can’t help but wonder why I was never enough for anyone and I wish that if they didn’t love me then they would just fuck off and leave me alone instead of constantly leading me on and making me believe that they do just like my mother did because she knew I’d believe her lies because I so badly wanted them to be true but I know she will never love me because she is the most selfish person I’ve ever met and she will never care about me unless she can use me and yeah idk I’m just sad about that I’ve just been avoiding people all together lately because this even happens in friendships too I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone but people love my energy because I’m really outgoing and passionate and energetic and lively and it’s like okay if u like me so much why leave why treat me like shit why make me feel like I’m not enough... and I already know they’re just projecting how they feel about themselves onto me just like my mother did but it doesn’t make me feel any better I’d just rather be alone
There's another factor at play in the not admitting you want marriage -- in the late 70's and 80's it wasn't fashionable to want marriage, and often if you said that was your goal, the one you were dating ran for the hills. Of course, that only means that person isn't the one, but at that time that was all men were talking about. Of course, in those days sex was expected a lot sooner too. Nobody expected a nice girl to have sex on the first date, but if you didn't put out on the second, you didn't get the third. This was pervasive. This experience was common around NYC and northeastern cities.
Absolutely! I remember that very well. Men were always complaining about women being on a mission, and trying to tie them down. Now that women are more focused on themselves and their careers and they're putting marriage on the backburner, men are complaining about the exact opposite. They can't find a woman with Traditional Values. They can't find a woman who wants to settle down and raise a family. Pretty hilarious actually.
That sounds insane for ANY one to expect that level of physical intimacy, 😳 when both people have not even gotten to know one another ! It's literally "doing a stranger" ! It can take months at least to grow affection like that. That is just crazy. Wow. I do have a hunch that it how it is now in 2021 ? I've been married for 21yrs so 🤷 I wouldn't know how the dating experience now would be like. I met my husband from my place of work. We were co workers. We were co workers again later too at a different place of work.
People say all kinds of stupid things that they repeat because they try to make sense of one’s behavior with stupid pop psychology sound bites. I recently reconnected with an old friend from college who I used to have a codependent relationship with (toxic female friendship stuff) who repeated all kinds of cliches that I haven’t heard in 20 years when I talked about how I’m in recovery from CPTSD. I also think that, with her, there’s a desire for me to be stuck in the past so that she and I can go back to our old toxic friendship. I’m done trying to explain and justify my healing to her, and won’t be bothering to explain it anymore. Now I have to decide whether I want to bother with the friendship at all. It might not be worth it.
So recognizable!!! After two years of being directly confronted with all of these patterns, I'm finally learning to not constantly focus on my feelings and keep talking about them to help me process. I'm finally seeing it's okay to not feel okay (like in the emotional flashbacks) and to feel confident that i can 'hold' feeling so 'difficult' in close relationships, when I'm coming across as always nice and kind. Everything resonates. Thank you!
I've heard several variations on "This is happening to you because it's what you want to happen" and it's actually enraging. Like, no, I definitely don't want any of this! I think it's a terrible thing for anyone to say, so I'm glad to hear SOMEONE say it's not true!
Your videos have helped me so much. I just learned my husband, who I thought would not abandon me, had an emotional affair. The crazy thing is I’m pretty far along in my healing. I knew he was distant and told him I felt the distance and wanted to connect with him but he kept me at arms length. I did marry him 14 years ago when I wasn’t healed. My husband however has never done any healing. His own Chaos caused this to happen. But he was gaslighting me to believe that it was my trauma. But looking back it wasn’t, he was trying to get the spotlight off of his poor behavior.
@@ProfessorGothic Denial is a very real problem. So is hiding relationships and the context of their hidden conversations. Which were sexual. Not ok with me and many others. Might be ok for you.
I feel like you made this just for me. I'm at a very low point at this moment. My husband of 16 years called the police last night after assaulting me. It's been very confusing. He told them I was mentally ill. He left me and the kids alone. I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm just really, really tired of it all.
I was raised the only child ( scapegoat daughter) to a highly narc mother who basically hated my guts from infancy. I was always left alone, my mother lived her life like I didn’t exist. So being alone is normal and comfy for me. But, when I meet someone and there is potential, all of a sudden all of the years, decades of never being loved, supported etc I go full in. But, it’s always the same pattern. I think I’m healed, I meet someone (IRL) we hit it off, and the other person goes hot and cold. And I find myself in various forms of proving that I’m worthy to the other person. Now, the crazy part is when I pull away from the person, they come back with apologies and I forgive them and it starts over again. I know this is the blueprint from childhood because my mother was not interested in parenting. But how the hell do I stop this?! I can go from cold blooded, uncaring and prefer being alone to feeling completely alone, isolated, wanting a connection desperately, and feeling like my life is passing me bye. Good Lord, thank God I didn’t have kids, I’m way too messed up and don’t need to send a new generation of messed up ppl into the world.
Could you please possibly do a video on bottling up your emotions and suppressing them, and what it does to you? I’ve been working on bottling my feelings and emotions, and whenever my mom or my husband wants to know what’s up, I just brush it off and say that I’m ok and that nothing is wrong.
@@ProfessorGothic because I’m embarrassed when I cry or anything like that. I’d rather be happy 24/7. I enjoy laughter and being happy more than anything. And I feel like if I cry, or even get angry at certain things, I feel like it’s a weakness. Sometimes I get mad because I’m crying. So when I feel like I’m about to cry when I’m struggling with something, I try to hide the fact that I’m about to break. I mean, I’m not emotional all the time, but I don’t want to be a sensitive emotional thing at all. I’d rather laugh, be happy and positive all the time, 24/7.
@@ProfessorGothic yes. I was mocked and punished for having feelings and emotions. Not only do I have CPTSD, but I’m also on the autism spectrum, and I have a physical disability. But I do my best to just accept myself for who I am. My grandma, who is elderly, understands how I am, and she tells me that it’s not my fault how I act. My husband’s aunt understands me also, and she understands me as much as she understands my husband. She allows us to feel also. My mom really takes the time to understand me. She loves me for who I am.
My abandonment issues began at birth. And every single person who ever meant anything to me, eventually left too. Except for the few that haven’t yet. Lol. I recognize I have very deep seeded issues. I just have no idea what to do. Oh be only in the last couple of years began to recognize that I do indeed have these issues. I was in absolute denial until then. I’m at a loss.
The fact that you are seeing this is evidence of growth. So, that is good. Have you begun working through your feelings of abandonment with a counselor? That would be your next step. Don't get involved in a relationship until you have worked on these issues. We are not healthy til we work on our wounds, traumas and issues. It's a journey! Be patient.
I went to the American Book Center , psychology section and through years bought every book could teach me how to be, healthy, I learned . Now I'm happy with me. I am me.
I ended my last relationship as a result of my BF cheating on me and breaking my trust. Very empowering to take back my control over this nightmare relationship!
‘Crap-fitting’ seems the answer to many issues post-childhood trauma. Some seek therapy for ‘why they got into relationships with ‘unavailable’ partners’. eg FFs, married partners, etc. The traditional ‘victim blaming’ in standard therapy is horrendous.
I don’t think, in nearly 50 years , that I have ever met a “healthy” person who does not have some form of trauma or abandonment issues and I’ve known A LOT of people fairly well. I have no idea where anyone meets a healthy well adjusted person. I now have zero patience for other peoples junk, I have enough junk. I’ve also gotten over feeling like I’m the one who needs fixing, also have gotten over the impulse to “help” other people heal unless it comes with a paycheck. Sometimes other people are triggering and it’s best to not invest in people who are going to activate your trauma that lives in your body on a regular basis. Healing emotional trauma or epigenetic trauma is a lifelong process not something that you one day just stop having.
Well said. I don't like the assumption that everyone else (except narcissists) are normal/healthy except us. In reality, despite my CPTSD, I have felt more healthy than many other people I've met. A lot of people are selfish and lack empathy and self awareness.
I'm guessing you're triggered by mentally healthy people because of your trauma and you push them away ending up with people with similar trauma. Being triggered means someone has brought to your conscious mind some feeling or thought you were subconsciously repressing yourself. If you have a lot of subconsciously repressed thoughts, you can get triggered by what people with good intentions say or do. People with trauma probably have the same repressed thoughts so they won't go there and, as a result, not be so triggering.
I stopped having relations for more than 10 yrs ago after a break up. Didn't want it to happen a next time and I "learned" all the way back from childhood that this happens every time. So better no relation at all because I don't know how to have some different kind of relation. I don't think that I re-create the past but somehow it still happens 😐
Thank you so much for explaining the abandonment feeling. Before my departure from my husband, blatant narc abuse along with hearing voices in his head, I had to leave and protect my 2 young daughters. I had a feeling of falling in space and never hitting ground, it was just a feeling of falling. after 30 years of abuse I have been single since 2004. Tried to date but in your 50s and 60s it is very hard. You never want to admit you want to get married again for fear of being labeled a gold digger or co dependent and not being able to stand on your own. Finally, after all these year a lady befriended me in a huge retirement community. We meet 3 times a week, dance have only a couple of drinks and enjoy life with our moral standards in tact. Hoping to heal more even at the age of 66. Thank you for helping me so very much Anna. BTW my daughters is name Anna and my fur daughter is names Orphan Annie. Thank you so much for your video's you are such a blessing.
I'm glad I'm being introduced to this topic now, 20 years after my last relationship. There's so much to cover and to know. Sadly, I did abandon a recent someone... but I whole heartedly believed she didn't want me as seen by her behavior. I left in October of last year, and still want to try again. So, I have some abandonment issues of my own to deal with, and I'm glad that Anna is here to help clear things up! Thank you, Anna!
I was dumped/abandoned twice during my cancer experience six years ago. At that time I decided I cannot go through that ever again. I am so happy, peaceful, and plan out my own life with MY family who are always there.
I am really glad to watch particularly this video of you Anna.. I regular get emotional flashbacks which holds me back often.. I am also suffering from ADHD, CPTSD i guess.. thanks for discussing these issues .. I really needed to hear these things
To be married means nothing if you don’t have a real partner who cares. So I prefer saying I want a partner from saying I want to marry (again). I felt the biggest loneliness in my „marriage“. Maybe others experienced the same so they don’t „admit“ that they want to be married.
I was told something very similar: you recreate the situation in order to heal your trauma. I think this is one of the worst things to say to a person with C-PTSD because nurtures the idea “it’s all my fault”, the same idea many of us had when we were children! But the truth (my truth) is much more similar to what you say and it’s very simple: with a certain kind of people, in certain circumstances, we act the same way, because that way saved our life when we were children and our brain knows it: it’s well trained in surviving… the crap. End of the story. The trick is noticing the survival pattern and then running away from the crap. There are some red flags for me: adrenaline (which in the past I confused with excitement) and ovethinking. If I’m not fast in detecting them, I can experience emotional reactions (sadness and anger that I normally don’t show in public - exactly as I did in childhood) and painful memories from the amygdala that show up. And yes, I recognize I felt really embarassed in the past to acknowledge that I wanted a long-term relationship. I was not used to recognize my needs and desires and this put me in hands of very manipulative predators who can do what they do precisely because we don’t admit to ourselves our needs and desires. When I clearly saw this I started to write down on paper my needs and desires and this practice helps me a lot in avoidong being manipulated by others. It took me years to see this dynamic. Thank you so much Anna, because it’s really helpful to listen to someone who got to the truth of trauma in a world where the majority of professionals talks about what is written by others in books and without any personal experience and, therefore, without clarity about this issue.
The funny thing I realised about myself is that I'm quite good at understanding people's intentions if I'm not romantically interested in them. But when I get romantically interested in someone, somehow all my judgements go in vain and I wear this rose colour glasses and keep staying when I should have moved on long before.
Getting into a relationship unhealed is a recipe for disaster. In high school I loved this guy and when he graduated he was going into the military we were also going to get married when left I felt abandoned which doesn't make sense then I started seeing someone else. I told him I cheated on him and he never wanted to talk to me again (understandably) so. Now healed 20 years later I realized how much he loved me too and I must have really hurt him. He already was scared of me cheating way before so I could imagine how he must of felt. I have never been in a relationship since that I loved someone the way I loved him. Sometimes its us who self sabotages the relationship. He was a wonderful guy.
Help me please. I have been suffering for most of my life and only recently come to the diagnosis of emotional disregulation . It has harmed my marriage now of 25 years to my beautiful wife and I want her to totally understand what I have been suffering with. Please help
I disagree. I do actually believe we are attempting to heal a childhood wound. But from a different perspective. It's Not Necessarily that we WANT to be abandoned per say, ..because who the hell would want to feel that all over again? But it's more so the BELIEF and expectation of abandonment as well as being accustomed to being abandoned... that creates the self fulfilling prophecy. So we end up either sabotaging the relationship or fawning for it so as to ensure we won't be abandoned....consciously or unconsciously.
Could you please do a video on how to handle triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse ? It would really help me because I am going through a lot.
I am so scared of repeating or re-inscenating my childhood / the relationship towards my parents / or even my parent's relationship, that I find myself almost constantly dysregulated, tense and scared - and I find myself in a relationship in which he has an absent father and a mother with let's say narcissistic traits. weolcome childhood repetition! I am sooo scared this is doomed from the very beginning, although we talk a lot. But the way he is and acts and the way I am and act -- the combination is exhausting.
People abandon others because they are self centered, self absorbed, or narcissists Look at the pattern of what the person has done to others You let the wrong people into your life! They are narcs- find new friends that are mature and healthy!
Who else feels shame that you’re like not in the ‘normal’ crowd that had safe happy loving childhoods, they look at you like you’re an alien if you have a trigger. But I think we who have been through childhood abuse are much stronger, much deeper and have much more to give. It’s a blessing in disguise.
Thank you so much for all of these insights and confirmations. I have made it "a mission" to heal, and the last few years have been the most intense healing I could handle. The Abandonment Melange was absolutely the "shadow" that I couldn't see and *knew* it was the reason that I seemed "to be too much" for others. The all/nothing cognitive distortion at play. Each day is a new step towards new understandings. I am down to just a couple trusted people in my life, that took the years to build the friendships, and all at a physical distance, another aspect of my "safety zone" (justification to my inner wound for why they were safely unavailable for anything more than friends)...now I finally understand how I *have been* committing *to myself* in new ways, and as I heal the CPTSD, I trust that I will meet more people closer to where I am at, to help me build those boundary skills, clarity of flags, and the space for me to *take my time* to let people in, and to take risks to make new choices. Thank you for being an incredible part of my journey to rebuild my self worth from a childhood that didn't have healthy models or treatment.
you might just be liking the feeling of being abandoned.... thats why i always unconsciously recreate the scenario of going missing for days on end because i might be liking the feeling of longing and missing
I’ve felt that in every relationship. It caused me to be reckless just to feel better. This toxic way of thinking got me a son and my heart broken several times. I never connected the dots with my parents divorce and my mom’s co-dependence and picking another bad guy to date and eventually marry.
"Oh baby, this thing you and I have.... it's so special that we need to get some government up in the middle of it." - Doug Stanhope making fun of the institution of marriage. I bring this up because this whole marriage thing is kind of a "political" topic for some people. I, for example, even from within my unhealed CPTSD, have no problem dialing into and acknowledging my desire to be in a PERMANENT, stable, loving relationship that lasts until one of us is deceased. That sounds absolutely awesome to me. But is that marriage? .... in the formal use of the word as a contract overseen by the government (which to me seems involved in way too many things that it really should not be involved in.) Do you see what I'm saying here? I'm wondering that, if some of the people who are "selling themselves short" by avoiding the "M" word might only be not wanting a formal GOVERNMENT contract between themselves and their partners for political or philosophical reasons - and simply are not expressing that aspect of their aspirations. I think this is also aggravated by divorce statistics. People hear all their lives that about half of marriages (formal government sanctioned ones) end in divorce. So in this regard we can't hold up the institution of marriage as the highest level of commitment to a relationship. Surely there are other things that sustain long term commitments to each other than a piece of paper that basically says that the IRS acknowledges you both as a single family household with certain tax advantages. (Now I'm worried that I just sound like a creative CPTSD victim who has come up with a more elaborate rationale to NOT want "marriage". But that could just be my CPTSD making me worry about that. At least it's probably clear that I do, in fact, have CPTSD.)
Corben A male relationship coach for women estimates only 20% of older people will form a healthy marriage. I have been told by older male friends they frequently receive marriage proposals. They also have many mini-emotional relationships with several women. They also form long term relationships with NO expectations of marriage. There are many hurdles if you want marriage and men have at least 3 or 4 more options than women. So if you do want a relationship, be aggressive.
What I really want to say is I love me and that is enough. Yeah sometimes its lonely and I reminisce but a relationship without sex is an unreasonable expectation
Many of us, including myself, were not modeled healthy relationships. When you're a child, you don't know what you don't know and unfortunately pay the price of dysfunction in adulthood. Sigh .....
I absolutely, do not want marriage. The thing I can't admit that I want in a relationship is sex. I haven't confessed this anywhere. I am not talking about hookups or casual sex. I grew up conditioned to think and feel that unless I did xyz that I was physically repulsive to any possible person. I have no issue keeping loving wonderful compatible people in my life, and never feel like I will be alone. But it's so sterile and void of physicality much of the time. If I have a lifelong companion, I don't want to be sexual with them. I want separate bedrooms, and not to be legally bonded with a marriage contract. I've seen up close what divorce, custody fights, and domestic violence do to a person. I don't want that volatility. Even with PTSD I don't have issue with finding long term companionship. But being able to feel safe in my body, attractive in my skin, that I'm not broken or repulsive, and desired by someone. I'm totally at peace that people will come and go in my life. I am very satisfied with wonderful memories of people. I've had some long term romantic sexual partners and I've loved them, but hated the situation so much, even when they've been absolutely awesome for me. My life is constant change since I became an adult and broke free, and I know that if I were with someone for a long time, even over 5-10 years, we'd wake up one day as complete strangers to each other, having slowly become different people. And that thought completely mortifies me.
What if I really really dont want to be married but I do want a relationship?? I'm not keen on marriage because it's not magic! In fact, it's a construct of a patriarchal society to keep me as a women, in 'my place'! So I want a commitment it just doesn't need to be a legal piece of paper that says I or we are legitimate. I understand there are great marriages I just dont believe in the 'institution'.
abandonment also happens in adoption, as a newborn and also as the mother. you are abandoned by the family / partner/pack that should be there to protect you and your newborn from predators. often the adoption worker or invasive adopter IS the predator. this practice is very damaging and as deeply damaging as childhood abuse and neglect and abandonment.
I have BPD symptons and I check all the symptoms, but these videos are the first in which i have found actual practical and helpful tips on how to regulate myself. Thank you so much.
My opinion, as someone was misdiagnosed with BPD (and Bipolar) in the 80s and 90s, and finally correctly diagnosed with CPTSD in 2010, is don't pay too much heed to diagnoses - especially if they're given by the many mental health professionals who don't understand/keep up with latest research on trauma and its effects on the brain. Sure, if saying you have BPD symptoms is helpful to you, then keep on. I'm with the school of thought that all these so-called personality disorders are "just" trauma responses and in that respect no different from CPTSD. If these CPTSD videos speak to you, hit you deep inside, keep watching and follow their wisdom. Start doing the Daily Practice and I bet you'll find your symptoms, whatever you call them, get better. I wish you peace and healing!
Thought I got that life long partner and after 8 years he bailed on me and completely abandoned me. He said vows I thought really would matter but it didn't. I opened my heart - I gave more of myself then ever before and now I'm not sure how to not shut down and completely go back in my shell. I've been trying to heal for so long and I just found truth this summer I have CPTSD and had no idea what that was... but I finally feel I'm learning truth and feel there's hope to fully find healing and it was too late and my husband left me anyways. It's been terrifying for me in learning so much about myself, it's humiliating and I just feel like I'm never gonna heal sometimes. I want to he healthy. I am so exhausted from the painful cycle that I've done since I was a child. CPTSD makes me into someone I am not ... my actions aren't a reflection of my heart. You have helped me so much and have helped encourage me. I still feel overwhelmed though and get discouraged.
I understand completely! There is a lot of camaraderie in Crappy Childhood Fairy Land which helps with the discouragement bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy
“I got this, I’m a ninja at this “, should have my pic beneath it🤣 Every member of my family has and at 47yrs old, continue to use this method with me when I share a new batch of drama in my life. After watching Anna, I was able to notice it and calmly explain to my wonderful siblings, “no, I’m not that strong. I’m actually hurt and struggling “. They were so shocked! After dissecting our troubled childhood, we realized we ALL received it differently. Sharing my story with them was amazing as they had empathy and apologies for ME. It felt so good to finally take the mask off and truly be myself and what better people than your family! This will not have that strong hold on you forever…each day it falls away! Thanks Fairy & team and try THE DAILY PRACTICE guys, just try it!!!❤️
what I want is to be accepted 2 to be loved for real like I have felt sometimes for someone 3 to have now drama in my life 4. to be at peace with the little things in life. 5. not to have to many complications to often in a relationship 6 to try to understand each other and talk through any problem we have not argue , 7 to listen to each other and make an effort to work through our differences together , 8 and to be honest with each other , 9 to heal each other by being there for each other in our lives together , 🐬
Thank you always helping me feel normal and showing us the path out. I’m sitting here again after insomnia, doing my daily practice and saw your video. I feel I can go back to bed now.
I'd rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel alone.
I say that all the time
You and everybody else…the trouble is for some people it takes time to realise they are in a crappy relationship or feeling alone…or keep making it crappy because they are too afraid to be hurt.
@@ProfessorGothic Bull ! People target and harass or victimize others all the time !
@@ProfessorGothic OR , we can and should be , disturbed by it !
Sounds so simple when you say it like that! Ha!
1:34 Crap-fitting and People pleasing
3:15 Emotional flashbacks (repressed emotional outbursts, or faking emotions, and/or having no boundaries)
5:00 Embarrassed to say what you want in a relationship (fear of marriage)
7:15 Processing death (endless loop of talking about traumatic feelings)
9:17 Abandonment Melange (A toxic combo of grief, rage and terror. Your feelings are distorting your perception.)
10:34 Regulating and balancing the time it takes to build healthy relationships with work arounds.
(This video is worth watching in its entirety, but I did timestamps for quick reference, in case I'm in a brain fog sometime in the future and I need a refresher on a specific point. Hope it's useful to others, also.)
Very useful, thank you!
❤️ this, thank you!
Women are fearful of saying they want marriage because men won't consider it. I observed with older men, they might receive marriage proposals but are not interested in commiting. They want long term relationships only. They often have many women for partial emotional-only relationships.
You’re awesome!
Thank you 💚
I have never had a healthy relationship with a man and few healthy friendships. I was always so exhausted from my unhealthy relationships that I drifted away from my healthy friendships. I am way to easy going that I'm drawn to people that start out super nice, then take advantage of my compliance and need to please. When they finally push to the point I can't take it anymore and start to set reasonable boundaries, they rage at me. Now, when it gets to that point I'm like... "oh you're one of those people" and walk away. I crap fitted to friends and boyfriends for years because I didn't feel I could walk away if I wasn't treated well. In my family I felt shamed if I didn't have friends, that it was proof that I was unworthy.. I am scared of healthy, because if someone healthy does reject me it's proof I'm unlovable. I also am not strong enough in who I am yet to not get sucked into someone else's life in a codependent way.
I relate to everything you wrote. You described it well. That's my life, too. I'm supporting you in spirit.
The trouble is when it keeps happening over and over both in personal life and friendship and work life, you seem to repel people as if you are toxic and they can sense it. You get misunderstood constantly
So... Kurt still hasn't asked?
(kidding!)
It was just sitting there...!
@@PreYeah That was helpful, thanks! It's all about what the other person thinks because I don't think to consider what I'm feeling as important Besides, the people I always had the most respect for, and seemed the healthiest, were people that had the most faith in my abilities and treated me with respect. They just happened to be people just passing through my life briefly or I was too busy with people that demanded all of my energy.
4yrs recovering alone from lifetime of narccissists...thought maybe i was ready to date or have f-buddy...nope!! Realized this "nice guy" and anyone I'm sexually attracted to are ALL emotionally unavailable in one way or another!😖😫 fortunately, I am seeing this before I get into a relationship and get hurt again!!🤔🙏 I don't know if I ever want to risk being in a relationship again...too all-consuming for me...I trauma-bond, become obsessed and completely enmeshed with the person!!😐
It's never too late to have another chance at life.
❤️😊
Everyday is another opportunity!
I'm praying that is true my friend I'm 49 and just divorced and I'm in no,mans land with my family. The pain is ripping me apart. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY AMEN ✝️.
@@dmc1806 you too. I am still kind of in no man's land after leaving family of origin but things are getting better for sure from where they once were.
@@TheLordsbattleaxe thank you pall
I often avoid your videos when I first see them pop up. I know that the information in them will be beneficial, but I also worry about what feelings will come up while I’m watching. Frequently it’s pointing out things I’ve done or am still doing that I recognize are not best for me.
That being said, you have a great way of delivering the information and wrapping it all up to leave me feeling hopeful.
There is a lot to be hopeful about :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Let me encourage you. Just being here is progress. One of my more trusted mentors now that I am stronger presented the idea that life offers us adventures. He said, Take the ride. I love that. We can learn to take small risks.
@@marylouleeman that was lovely thanks . It wasn’t my text but I often feel the same❤️🙏
Alyssa, I do the same thing. The videos are great and hit the core. But I feel such discomfort going there that I'll put off watching some videos bc I'm not prepared to feel that way. It's hard enough for me to get by, day to day, that it scares me to purposely feel that way.
💖....looking at oneself can be quite painful...especially when you feel you give so much in life of yourself...and still feel abandoned by people you love.....but its the essential first step to radical acceptance of our truth....only with acknowledging our current truth we are living, can we begin to create a new way of being.... healing growth forward in every area of life.🪞🧘🏻♀️💖🙏
All my potential romantic relationships tend to derailed before they leave the station. I feel that my unhealed abandonment issues has kept me from having a normal relationships that most people seem to take for granted. I can remember around the age a 12 or so, the age where I became the scapegoat, that I wanted to get marred to a "soulmate". Now that I'm terminally ill and getting too old to, getting marred to a "soulmate" is my dying wish. I always wanted to know how feels to be loved by another person before I leave this place.
Sending you love and comfort. God loves you unconditionally, I know it’s not the same as physical intimacy but just know that he cares for you greatly and is with you always xxx
Me too, I want to feel/experience romantic love before I leave this place.
You are loved Daniel. Hugs.
Sending you so much love and light❣️You are loved & you are love! Many blessings 🕊⭕️⭕️⭕️
The power of imagination is an amazing thing. I hope you explore what she is like in this way and it brings you something x
I'd rather be alone than in a relationship where they treat me like crap.
@Joey Barszcz You don't have to marry, if you don't want to. It's just important, that you know your own reasons and reflect on them. Sometimes Trauma can make you say "I don't want a partner, I don't need friends, etc.", because you're scared of bonding, or of being abandoned in a relationship. As long as this is not the case, not wanting marriage/a relationship is perfectly fine. :)
@Joey Barszcz Don't compare too much. Do what is a consciously good decision for you. I'm only 23 years old and I absolutely want to get married. How's that? It means safety & commitment for me & the child(ren) that I might have one day. Marrying just shows "Hey, I really want to spend my life with you & I'm ready to go all in on it." 😇
@Joey Barszcz I can also recommend Sadhguru for that particular topic. :)
@Joey Barszcz Alright, thanks for your kind way of communicating. :) Have a great week!
Me too. I'm sick of being dumped.
I finally got a happy marriage and "learned to" have friends, but Anna helped me understand why I've been "peripheral" of every group I was a part of, mysteriously incapable of being on the "in-group" of any organization.
By the way I'll pile on here: Anna you are amazing; bringing previously unimagined peace of mind. Thank you!
Glad you're here, the only way I get to the bottom of anything is through the Daily Practice bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Hiya Fairy,
could you please elaborate what you mean, my asd dyslexic brain needs more imformation!!!
Thank-you for videos and replies,
Rocky. :)
I want to know why I am peripheral to groups too!! Where did she say it? Thanks
the periphery! I'm been the "B" friend since college and I didn't understand it ...30 years of this
@@trrahr5496 I think it’s just a matter of our own perceived “value”… we don’t think we are enough. And/or we don’t get too intimate so we cannot being rejected../abandoned. We wrongly perceive that we are not the same “friends” as other and therefore our actions will bring that results. It’s a self made prophecy too… my friends started to reach for me and treat me with more respect when I discovered my self value and I felt I was good enough. I didn’t thought there was something wrong with me anymore. I stopped chasing or thinking about the “issue” and everything fell in place afterwards. I do sometimes randomly still think that I am “bothering” people if I contact them too much or befriend them “too much” but I’m doing so much better
Safe people often feel awkward to me, I find that I push them away. My current partner is so devoted and always caring towards me, it makes me want to run away sometimes. Postive self talk is a useful tool, also telling him where I am coming from, my trauma/triggers. I just bite the bullet and go for it. A person who really cares about you won’t scare easily, bc you’re worth it. And so am I.
Nice!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This woman is honestly amazing. This kind of information is so life-changing for people who have suffered under the great weight of not only the original hurts they experienced, but the myriad of ways in which they have replayed throughout other situations in their lives since. To be able to shine light on all of those dark corners of our lives that we feel could only ever be comprehended by us alone is such an important step towards being able to heal and to redirect one’s life in a much more fulfilling direction, so thank you so much for your work and for what you do for others.
“You’re trying to learn to love people in a healthy way and nothing could be more beautiful and noble” - this line was so moving!
So appreciate your support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This woman. Her videos scare me emotionally. I know I might cry because she will say something so pinpoint accurate of why I'm hurting and those events that made me that way will come back sometimes. You're an amazing person Anna.
👐
Anna, I am so glad that I found your channel. I am Gizem and I grew up with physical and emotional childhood abuse for 17 years.. For the first time (I really mean it..) in my life, I feel completely understood! You are an angel for putting your work on RUclips. So people like me, like us, can finally feel accepted here! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
I really needed this video right now :(
She's amazing isn't she? When she explained about not knowing basically what was ok and what wasn't ok...I've put up with so much because it was what I'm used to and now I'm not even near people to form healthy bonds as friends with
There are so many of us out here with "issues"... I was fortunate to find a man who grew up w/"issues" different than my "issues" and that helped us form a wonderful bond of compassion, empathy & love in our relationship and we helped each other with parents, step parents, step siblings, crisis and more dumb issues...we were a team to deal with all of these things. There is someone perfect out there for each and everyone of us in spite of our "issues".
Right on!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thus was my hope for my last relationship but I guess he felt my crap was worst than his crap.... but it did show me how open I can feel.... I used to break up and feel I don't want it for a while but now... I am like it didn't work, I did my best and move on
Watching this for the third time. You are right, my red flag detector is getting better and better with the daily practice. I was able to spot an absolute disaster and take appropriate steps where my previous self would have jumped right in and then blamed myself for being so hurt!!! baby steps!!
Same! We are learning! 👏
I just wanted to find love, to stop feeling like the little scared boy inside the man. To have someone like everyone else seems to have. In my last relationship a part of me knew i was being used. But I was finally with someone who wasn't hurting me, who sometimes said she loved me. I clung to all the pretending because I wanted it to be true.
We have to believe we will get that love, we do deserve it ❤️ xXx
I relate! Because I felt that someone was better than no one.
I guess having a crappy childhood brainwashes you into thinking this is what you deserve. I have always felt that healthy, well-adjusted people would never want someone like me, so I find people just as broken as I am, hoping we can fix each other. It never works out that way. My low self esteem does not help. My ex wife said I caused all the problems on our marriage, despite her long history of failed previous marriages. The more I tried to fix things, I was told I "wreek of desperation" and she left me.
No matter how broken you think you are, you can learn how to deal with CPTSD and have the life you deserve :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Having multiple, constructive, hobbies really helps a lot. You could even turn it into a side job and sell on etsy, craft shows or play music, or build things.
You need a simple, positive partner and a tight circle of good friends. And the hobby things someone else mentioned is good. Do you think you have to have a certain physical type? Throw that out the window.
Thank you.
its hard i would always latch on to every negative thing directed at me even the littlest thing someone accused me of i would shatter, i just want a healthy relationship
It makes me so mad that my parents messed me up this bad and now I’m stuck fixing such horrible feelings and thoughts bc they couldn’t just love me properly
It seems unfair, you're not alone
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same 😖
Ya we did nothing wrong but we are paying for their sins everyday
I've never read or heard people want what they received in their childhoods, but that they gravitate towards the familiar, like us all... because it feels comfortable at some point. Basically doing something by habit, rote, or happenstance is not a conscious decision after some point if it ever was. We are feeling around a dark room for the things that make us feel safe at that moment, regardless to the ultimate outcome. Until we see that something is wrong and find a way to navigate better.
They’re also unconsciously creating a similar scenario in the hope of rewriting the ending.
@@trudyfox938 This sounds very accurate for myself. Thank you for sharing
@@trudyfox938 in order to have a victory over it and not be a victim.
Hi KoreaMojo, the idea of repeating childhood experiences means we gravitate towards what was normalized for us. Additionally, a lot of us try to fix what went wrong when we were powerless children. That motivation can be a powerful pull and is something many of us need to be aware of and actively work to change.
I’m sure you learned and know a lot about CPTSD. This is however not what Anne and this Chanel is about. Anne has shared a method of healing not available through psychology. She has mentioned this several times. Her method is based on her empirical healing. More than one therapist do say that we are looking to recreate our childhood even tho you “ never read or heard people saying this”. Perhaps you should look into neurography as a healing psychology method that seems to be something Anna discovered intuively and now, it’s a recognized method ... Anna has helped thousands of people with her method and her generosity in sharing her experience. Psychology is a science. It never ends. There are hundreds of schools... I’m grateful for Anna . Such authenticity is exceptionally rare and she said many times that she is no therapist as you might know. She is a “ fairy” who discovered the magic dust to healing. And she spreads the dust! This is called empiric healing. Your comments are not welcome.
No, we don't want to get abandoned, or recreate our childhood, and we still do, because it is all we know .
So, until we are unconscious to it, we do.
Unfortunately, it is true .
When I learned this, and admitted it, was able to change it, learn new, healthy ways to be, to live, to love, until then, we are blind and follow the script.
Exactly. It is not a conscious recreation, but comes from a programming on a subconscious level. As long as you are not aware of this it will run your life.
@@blwin2 exactly 🙂
I honestly thought I wasn't supposed to want marriage and children. I felt like something was wrong with me. I ran from the prospect of marriage and sabotaged the relationship and I don't even know why. I abandonned the only relationship that didn't abandon me. And I still don't quite understand. All i wanted was love but I felt like I couldn't trust love.
There is a lot to untangle when we've had a life of CPTSD. Anna offers a lot of help and support on her website :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was adopted, then my adopted dad was hit by a train when I was 4 mos. old. Mom turned to the bottle. As an only child with a drunk single parent, I felt very alone & very abandoned. I often thought she was dead on the floor ( passed out) when I was 4 or 5 & the conditional love and yelling scared & scarred me. I am over 50 now & kinda tired. These videos are life sustaining, I wish they were there for me long ago. I am alone but choice from fear, and I guess self isolation… but a real desire to be settled & in love. I’m not sure I know what love actually feels like other than for my own adult kids. Weird. Processed feelings absolutely freaking drains us! Thanks 🙏 for this.
Keep coming back. It works.
Im an adoptee too.
I think we dont know how to accept love
@@sueg6309 I’m also an adoptee - on a cognitive level I know my family love me, but with certain members it still came with strings attached. I didn’t/don’t have what I’d call a close, meaningful relationship with either a-parent.
Counselling from someone who understands trauma and abandonment issues has helped a lot, but a lot of confusion still exists in my brain about relationships, love, and acceptance.
I think most of us start to get triggered around “ abandonment “ when in our relationship we are starting to “ be abandoned “ - in all the ways someone can abandon another .. I mean for real.
Facts
Some folks do try to recreate their childhood traumatic experiences or find people similar to their abuser/neglector though at a subconscious level.
But with this said, I agree with you. We become brilliant at adapting to the most dysfunctional situations. And yes…Not all of us are trying to recreate our childhoods. It varies like everything in life. We live in a spectrum.
I’m not sure what’s better or worse, but Thank goodness I never took my trauma/pain/anger out on others. I always took it out on myself. I never gave my partners a hard time, actually they abused me badly.
Luckily, my current partner of 10 years is an amazing man that showed me what true love is and helped me with co-regulation.
I changed for the best due to his love, compassion, kindness and understanding. He helped me to truly see my worth.
🙏♥️✨
P.S.
abandonment melange is a nicer way to say that someone has BPD.
"abandonment melange" is the feeling I have that I think of as my anxiety feeling, the poisonous rush through my body, is that not correct? I used to get it as a kid because I was thinking I wanted to hurt the person who bullied me and that thought scared me and then that feeling would rise up through my body.
Anna is one of the most empathetic people I've ever seen. She's wonderful!!! I absolutely LOVE all of her videos!! So generous and understanding...Thank you very much for your videos!
I’d just like to share this. A few years ago I went alone ( as I’m single with an abandonment history ) to a relationship therapist. In the first session she told me that I ‘probably’ would never achieve a close relationship… ( just think about how damaging that would be to hear ). I went home - felt angry & upset. Calmed myself. Made another appointment. Prepared myself. Calmly told the therapist why she had acted so inappropriately & the effect it had on me. She told me she ‘didn’t say it ‘ then crumpled. I walked out. I’m now a trained therapist myself ( but I totally agree that talking over & over again about past wounds is triggering & doesn’t work for me. In decades of struggling with inner trauma - I can truly say that you are a breath of fresh air. Your practical, solution focused approach backed up by research, & most importantly your own personal experience is the key I’ve been searching for all my life.
Its not about being abandoned. Its about getting rid of the abusers which unfortunately keep coming my way.
It is difficult to see these abusers coming.
Glad you're here, hope you find some help on the channel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow I just took the deepest breath of relief ever, 38 seconds in!! Thanks for boldly debunking something we've all been told. There is definitely no way I've ever "wanted" to be abandoned or "tried" to recreate my childhood. What a toxic perspective that's always made me feel more broken and ashamed. Thank you!
I agree - I’m desperate to not be abandoned (I’ve made a lot of progress in counselling, but still get scared if I think I’m about to lose a friend).
just the word “crap fitting” elicits imagery of a jig saw puzzle with pieces made out of manure, and the final picture is that of a dysfunctional family abusing and neglecting each other
And none of the pieces go with each other. At least, that's what I picture.
lolz :)
Gotta love the visual thinking!
Complex CPTSD patterns are typical yes. We attract the same in others and then reenact the scenario, over and over again, until we eventually wake up. My experience of child abuse was long-term and emotionally extremely damaging. Drifting in and out of relationships to compensate the loss does get us abandoned over and over again and more and more traumatised,but we're all born with different coping skills. While some victims are too damaged to rise put of it, others become incredible survivors who go on to help others. Because I had no one to help me I learned to survive in the best way I could, but because the trauma was also an embarrassment to me, I tried to cover it up to avoid remaining outcast pretending I was someone else. Disassociation can lead to serious mental illness. . In other words I learned to survive with a false self, ever living up to a false image, and leaving my abandoned inner child starving, suffering and forever trying to be who I was not. . I didn't know how to be myself because I had no real self, she was denied the right to be. I was paying the price for my entire family's abuse and forced by my self blame to accept it was all my fault.
It's a difficult pattern to break out of but with concrete techniques, many of us have :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same
what do you mean false self? the creation of an identity is via stimuli that evoke something (emotion, consensual data) within us.
inner child? what does that even mean?
love the one about asking for what you need. If you can do that...confidently and without shame...you'll eliminate so many people that are not good for you
I sure would like to get to the bottom of that. I have never ever been able to keep a guy. My entire blood family do not talk to the other. I saw men abandon my mom growing up, though. So now, I am going at life alone. No friends to speak of. I have turned my energy into canning food, growing peppers and herbs, and producing some great artwork. It doesn't mean I don't get lonely; I have learned over time, a long time, to be able to accept it.
Hey, I’m really lonely too, day to day life I’m alone. I have some friends and family but so often I go days without talking to anyone besides like at stores. I also struggle finding a healthy relationship with a man. My dad was abusive and although my step dad has been great to our family, I never had a good close relationship with him or any man. It’s hard, I get lonely too and feel so stuck.
@Millie M I am really sorry you are experiencing this too. Maybe she has some answers for us. I failed to mention that my mom was super mean and also abandoned me. I never knew my dad. Saw him once when I was a really young child.
Bumble BFF might be good to try. As a nothing to lose try at making a meaningful friendship
@@katcampbell9213 Is that a website of some kind?
Don't give up. Find out more about your family. Join meetups and just be friendly and open to all people. Be consistent. You deserve to be known.
Thank you. Needed this. I’m currently looking for an abuse therapist at 48 yrs old. I can’t live this way anymore.
Some of these points definitely apply, but the main reason I always get abandoned is that every man I've been with was damaged, addicted to alcohol, emotionally unavailable and/or abusive. Nobody could have made those relationships work.
How did you know, fairy? Yeah it happened yestarday, but I really think leaving the relationship was the best for the both of us. Thank you for all your help!
I love how wise you are! It certainly makes a difference to hear from someone who has been on the journey. Thankyou so much for all this incredible and free content...this is soo helpful
You are so very welcome. Thank you for watching! - Ashley, Team Fairy
"They may be interested, but they are not capable of making that kind of commitment." Yes, that is me! This was my last relationship, in particular. He wasn't an awful person or a narcissist or abusive or married. He was just not capable and I really should have known that. The red flags were there.
Agree. Its a complete tyranny to say to someone ‘you’re trying to get abandoned’ - complete hurt and shaming to those of us who really need assistance
Yeah really
I’ve just been reading the work of Pete walker, thank you for sharing that. I had this huge surge of abandonment melange today, and reading through his work helped me to feel that I wasn’t some crazy psycho, and that my experiences and feelings are valid. I mostly go through these experiences in silence while fawning, as which happened today. But after regulating and listening and reading, I can feel like a complete human again, and have something for next time. Thank you 🙏🏻
I have been single for over 35 years. One reason is I'm a Christian and it's hard to meet men that are willing to wait until marriage but a very realistic one also is the fear of this very thing you're talking about happening when I'm in a relationship. I know I'm almost like two people. When I feel pressured or smothered I go off the deep end and I know I can hurt people but I don't want to. So I've more or less made a decision not to pursue a relationship for fear that they'll probably end up leaving me when they see this side. Sure doesn't sound like I have a whole lot of faith in God huh? I'm working on that one too. My parents used to do this weird thing when they wanted to punish us. They would wait until there was something we really really wanted to do. It could be months later but when that time came they would tell us know you can't because remember when you blah blah blah blah? Well of course I don't remember I'm a little kid. So that left me never bothering to look forward to anything and the trust is not even in existence when it comes to people.
I had never heard of emotional flashbacks or abandonment melange until I came across your Utube Videos:) Looking back over my life, I can clearly see many times where I have been triggered by these and it’s now so helpful to have a name and understanding of what is going on. Thank you so much Anna for the work you are doing to make CPTSD know and helping people heal and give them hope! I’m currently taking your first course and look forward to taking others in the future! There is hope, we can heal!
Glad you're onboard!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same
Hiya Fairy,
Thanks for the videos they've been helpful. Q. What about this abandonment with friendships?
Cheers Rocky.
I had two separate therapists tell me things like that. Once in my 30s during a couple's session the therapist said to me "people like you will never have a healthy relationship" and the other was in the hospital when I was 16, after I was repeatedly raped and beaten and I attempted suicide by slashing my arm and also shortly after the therapist had spoke with my father who was one of my abusers, she said .. "you're not the perfect Princess you make yourself out to be"....still kills me inside and I'm 41 now still suffering with CPTSD.😔
@ Sarah Moonfruit : they were not therapists. They were harmful people pretending to be helpful.
That’s horrible! I’m so sorry.
Yes!! Those shaming messages are equivalent to shaming a blind person for being blind. telling them they *want* to be blind.
SO well said. I hope you don't mind if I quote you on that sometimes.
Hallelujah! I love this analogy to illustrate most if not all the ways we're negativity judged for CPTSD symptoms, especially by (our) abusers. "Why don't you do your homework/get better grades/lose weight/make an effort to be more social/keep a job/get a real job/tidy the house more/exercise/stop complaining, crying, being suicidal...?" Sure, at a certain point in *healing*, once we've received the right information about our condition and some tools to self regulate, there comes a time when we need to take more responsibility for changing things we don't like. But before that - when we're still children or still suffering without support or information, then it's like telling someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk already.
I think what your therapist meantime is subconsciously
Obviously not consciously lol
But yes we tend to gravitate towards what’s familiar
Because sometimes the abuse is the kind where it wasn’t “all bad” , not all the time
My childhood was filled with a lot of fun happy moments a lot of excitement a lot of travel some luxury and no hard times to be quite honest, but it was unstable af and I was constantly being moved around and was never able to hold on to any friendships and constantly had to leave the people and places I loved and called home and eventually it took its toll
My mother was more of a “friend” and less of a parent
She was never there for me once I became a teen and she just abandoned me except when she would come around to use me for narcissistic supply’s aka attention. And she sabotaged my every attempt and becoming independent and having my own life
It went from a dream to a nightmare the minute she saw I was starting to grow up and she felt threatened with “abandonment”
There was also an absolute immense amount of emotional and psychological manipulation/abuse tons of gaslighting and I had NO support system or family or friends to rely on because she had taken all of that from me and I was completely isolated and she made me believe her abuse was normal and that that was love
I’ve noticed this same pattern in my relationships
I attract people who want to use me for a good time and don’t actually want to put in a lick of effort and just like I did with my mother, I’m always the one ending up doing all the effort to actually make the relationship work
It’s like I’m chasing that initial high before it all went wrong instead of just accepting that it was all love bombing and that they don’t actually love me and never did and we’re just using me and I know that but it just hurts to accept yknow like idk I just feel like a kid again and I just can’t help but wonder why I was never enough for anyone and I wish that if they didn’t love me then they would just fuck off and leave me alone instead of constantly leading me on and making me believe that they do just like my mother did because she knew I’d believe her lies because I so badly wanted them to be true but I know she will never love me because she is the most selfish person I’ve ever met and she will never care about me unless she can use me and yeah idk I’m just sad about that
I’ve just been avoiding people all together lately because this even happens in friendships too
I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone but people love my energy because I’m really outgoing and passionate and energetic and lively and it’s like okay if u like me so much why leave why treat me like shit why make me feel like I’m not enough... and I already know they’re just projecting how they feel about themselves onto me just like my mother did but it doesn’t make me feel any better
I’d just rather be alone
There's another factor at play in the not admitting you want marriage -- in the late 70's and 80's it wasn't fashionable to want marriage, and often if you said that was your goal, the one you were dating ran for the hills. Of course, that only means that person isn't the one, but at that time that was all men were talking about. Of course, in those days sex was expected a lot sooner too. Nobody expected a nice girl to have sex on the first date, but if you didn't put out on the second, you didn't get the third. This was pervasive. This experience was common around NYC and northeastern cities.
Absolutely! I remember that very well. Men were always complaining about women being on a mission, and trying to tie them down. Now that women are more focused on themselves and their careers and they're putting marriage on the backburner, men are complaining about the exact opposite. They can't find a woman with Traditional Values. They can't find a woman who wants to settle down and raise a family. Pretty hilarious actually.
Thanks for chiming in, interesting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That sounds insane for ANY one to expect that level of physical intimacy, 😳 when both people have not even gotten to know one another ! It's literally "doing a stranger" ! It can take months at least to grow affection like that. That is just crazy. Wow. I do have a hunch that it how it is now in 2021 ? I've been married for 21yrs so 🤷 I wouldn't know how the dating experience now would be like. I met my husband from my place of work. We were co workers. We were co workers again later too at a different place of work.
Omg I am of the same era and just wrote this same comment. Thanks for your post.
People say all kinds of stupid things that they repeat because they try to make sense of one’s behavior with stupid pop psychology sound bites. I recently reconnected with an old friend from college who I used to have a codependent relationship with (toxic female friendship stuff) who repeated all kinds of cliches that I haven’t heard in 20 years when I talked about how I’m in recovery from CPTSD. I also think that, with her, there’s a desire for me to be stuck in the past so that she and I can go back to our old toxic friendship. I’m done trying to explain and justify my healing to her, and won’t be bothering to explain it anymore. Now I have to decide whether I want to bother with the friendship at all. It might not be worth it.
So recognizable!!! After two years of being directly confronted with all of these patterns, I'm finally learning to not constantly focus on my feelings and keep talking about them to help me process. I'm finally seeing it's okay to not feel okay (like in the emotional flashbacks) and to feel confident that i can 'hold' feeling so 'difficult' in close relationships, when I'm coming across as always nice and kind. Everything resonates. Thank you!
I've heard several variations on "This is happening to you because it's what you want to happen" and it's actually enraging. Like, no, I definitely don't want any of this! I think it's a terrible thing for anyone to say, so I'm glad to hear SOMEONE say it's not true!
Amen!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your videos have helped me so much. I just learned my husband, who I thought would not abandon me, had an emotional affair. The crazy thing is I’m pretty far along in my healing. I knew he was distant and told him I felt the distance and wanted to connect with him but he kept me at arms length. I did marry him 14 years ago when I wasn’t healed. My husband however has never done any healing. His own Chaos caused this to happen. But he was gaslighting me to believe that it was my trauma. But looking back it wasn’t, he was trying to get the spotlight off of his poor behavior.
I'm so glad the videos are helping!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@ProfessorGothic Denial is a very real problem. So is hiding relationships and the context of their hidden conversations. Which were sexual. Not ok with me and many others. Might be ok for you.
I feel like you made this just for me. I'm at a very low point at this moment. My husband of 16 years called the police last night after assaulting me. It's been very confusing. He told them I was mentally ill. He left me and the kids alone. I don't know how to do this anymore. I'm just really, really tired of it all.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. He actually gave you a gift. You can heal and show your children what healthy looks like.
I was raised the only child ( scapegoat daughter) to a highly narc mother who basically hated my guts from infancy. I was always left alone, my mother lived her life like I didn’t exist. So being alone is normal and comfy for me. But, when I meet someone and there is potential, all of a sudden all of the years, decades of never being loved, supported etc I go full in. But, it’s always the same pattern. I think I’m healed, I meet someone (IRL) we hit it off, and the other person goes hot and cold. And I find myself in various forms of proving that I’m worthy to the other person. Now, the crazy part is when I pull away from the person, they come back with apologies and I forgive them and it starts over again. I know this is the blueprint from childhood because my mother was not interested in parenting. But how the hell do I stop this?! I can go from cold blooded, uncaring and prefer being alone to feeling completely alone, isolated, wanting a connection desperately, and feeling like my life is passing me bye. Good Lord, thank God I didn’t have kids, I’m way too messed up and don’t need to send a new generation of messed up ppl into the world.
Could you please possibly do a video on bottling up your emotions and suppressing them, and what it does to you? I’ve been working on bottling my feelings and emotions, and whenever my mom or my husband wants to know what’s up, I just brush it off and say that I’m ok and that nothing is wrong.
@@ProfessorGothic because I’m embarrassed when I cry or anything like that. I’d rather be happy 24/7. I enjoy laughter and being happy more than anything. And I feel like if I cry, or even get angry at certain things, I feel like it’s a weakness. Sometimes I get mad because I’m crying. So when I feel like I’m about to cry when I’m struggling with something, I try to hide the fact that I’m about to break. I mean, I’m not emotional all the time, but I don’t want to be a sensitive emotional thing at all. I’d rather laugh, be happy and positive all the time, 24/7.
@@ProfessorGothic yes. I was mocked and punished for having feelings and emotions. Not only do I have CPTSD, but I’m also on the autism spectrum, and I have a physical disability. But I do my best to just accept myself for who I am. My grandma, who is elderly, understands how I am, and she tells me that it’s not my fault how I act. My husband’s aunt understands me also, and she understands me as much as she understands my husband. She allows us to feel also. My mom really takes the time to understand me. She loves me for who I am.
My abandonment issues began at birth. And every single person who ever meant anything to me, eventually left too. Except for the few that haven’t yet. Lol. I recognize I have very deep seeded issues. I just have no idea what to do. Oh be only in the last couple of years began to recognize that I do indeed have these issues. I was in absolute denial until then. I’m at a loss.
The fact that you are seeing this is evidence of growth. So, that is good. Have you begun working through your feelings of abandonment with a counselor? That would be your next step. Don't get involved in a relationship until you have worked on these issues. We are not healthy til we work on our wounds, traumas and issues. It's a journey! Be patient.
I went to the American Book Center , psychology section and through years bought every book could teach me how to be, healthy, I learned .
Now I'm happy with me.
I am me.
I ended my last relationship as a result of my BF cheating on me and breaking my trust. Very empowering to take back my control over this nightmare relationship!
Good for you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
‘Crap-fitting’ seems the answer to many issues post-childhood trauma. Some seek therapy for ‘why they got into relationships with ‘unavailable’ partners’. eg FFs, married partners, etc. The traditional ‘victim blaming’ in standard therapy is horrendous.
I don’t think, in nearly 50 years , that I have ever met a “healthy” person who does not have some form of trauma or abandonment issues and I’ve known A LOT of people fairly well. I have no idea where anyone meets a healthy well adjusted person. I now have zero patience for other peoples junk, I have enough junk. I’ve also gotten over feeling like I’m the one who needs fixing, also have gotten over the impulse to “help” other people heal unless it comes with a paycheck. Sometimes other people are triggering and it’s best to not invest in people who are going to activate your trauma that lives in your body on a regular basis. Healing emotional trauma or epigenetic trauma is a lifelong process not something that you one day just stop having.
Well said. I don't like the assumption that everyone else (except narcissists) are normal/healthy except us. In reality, despite my CPTSD, I have felt more healthy than many other people I've met. A lot of people are selfish and lack empathy and self awareness.
I'm guessing you're triggered by mentally healthy people because of your trauma and you push them away ending up with people with similar trauma. Being triggered means someone has brought to your conscious mind some feeling or thought you were subconsciously repressing yourself. If you have a lot of subconsciously repressed thoughts, you can get triggered by what people with good intentions say or do. People with trauma probably have the same repressed thoughts so they won't go there and, as a result, not be so triggering.
This is amazing, I always thought I was on top of why I'm a disaster with relationships. I'm 61 and it's the 1st time this has been described to me 🤯
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I stopped having relations for more than 10 yrs ago after a break up. Didn't want it to happen a next time and I "learned" all the way back from childhood that this happens every time. So better no relation at all because I don't know how to have some different kind of relation. I don't think that I re-create the past but somehow it still happens 😐
Trying the Daily Practice can help bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for explaining the abandonment feeling. Before my departure from my husband, blatant narc abuse along with hearing voices in his head, I had to leave and protect my 2 young daughters. I had a feeling of falling in space and never hitting ground, it was just a feeling of falling. after 30 years of abuse I have been single since 2004. Tried to date but in your 50s and 60s it is very hard. You never want to admit you want to get married again for fear of being labeled a gold digger or co dependent and not being able to stand on your own. Finally, after all these year a lady befriended me in a huge retirement community. We meet 3 times a week, dance have only a couple of drinks and enjoy life with our moral standards in tact. Hoping to heal more even at the age of 66. Thank you for helping me so very much Anna. BTW my daughters is name Anna and my fur daughter is names Orphan Annie. Thank you so much for your video's you are such a blessing.
Thank you for sharing with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I doubt that this is only due to personal, internal problems but to social engeneering. It’s a vicious circle.
What does this even mean?
I'm glad I'm being introduced to this topic now, 20 years after my last relationship. There's so much to cover and to know. Sadly, I did abandon a recent someone... but I whole heartedly believed she didn't want me as seen by her behavior. I left in October of last year, and still want to try again. So, I have some abandonment issues of my own to deal with, and I'm glad that Anna is here to help clear things up!
Thank you, Anna!
I was dumped/abandoned twice during my cancer experience six years ago. At that time I decided I cannot go through that ever again. I am so happy, peaceful, and plan out my own life with MY family who are always there.
Glad to hear it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am really glad to watch particularly this video of you Anna.. I regular get emotional flashbacks which holds me back often.. I am also suffering from ADHD, CPTSD i guess.. thanks for discussing these issues .. I really needed to hear these things
The title of this video is triggering as hell
To be married means nothing if you don’t have a real partner who cares. So I prefer saying I want a partner from saying I want to marry (again). I felt the biggest loneliness in my „marriage“. Maybe others experienced the same so they don’t „admit“ that they want to be married.
I hope some relief comes for. you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was told something very similar: you recreate the situation in order to heal your trauma. I think this is one of the worst things to say to a person with C-PTSD because nurtures the idea “it’s all my fault”, the same idea many of us had when we were children!
But the truth (my truth) is much more similar to what you say and it’s very simple: with a certain kind of people, in certain circumstances, we act the same way, because that way saved our life when we were children and our brain knows it: it’s well trained in surviving… the crap.
End of the story. The trick is noticing the survival pattern and then running away from the crap. There are some red flags for me: adrenaline (which in the past I confused with excitement) and ovethinking. If I’m not fast in detecting them, I can experience emotional reactions (sadness and anger that I normally don’t show in public - exactly as I did in childhood) and painful memories from the amygdala that show up.
And yes, I recognize I felt really embarassed in the past to acknowledge that I wanted a long-term relationship. I was not used to recognize my needs and desires and this put me in hands of very manipulative predators who can do what they do precisely because we don’t admit to ourselves our needs and desires. When I clearly saw this I started to write down on paper my needs and desires and this practice helps me a lot in avoidong being manipulated by others. It took me years to see this dynamic.
Thank you so much Anna, because it’s really helpful to listen to someone who got to the truth of trauma in a world where the majority of professionals talks about what is written by others in books and without any personal experience and, therefore, without clarity about this issue.
The funny thing I realised about myself is that I'm quite good at understanding people's intentions if I'm not romantically interested in them. But when I get romantically interested in someone, somehow all my judgements go in vain and I wear this rose colour glasses and keep staying when I should have moved on long before.
Getting into a relationship unhealed is a recipe for disaster. In high school I loved this guy and when he graduated he was going into the military we were also going to get married when left I felt abandoned which doesn't make sense then I started seeing someone else. I told him I cheated on him and he never wanted to talk to me again (understandably) so. Now healed 20 years later I realized how much he loved me too and I must have really hurt him. He already was scared of me cheating way before so I could imagine how he must of felt. I have never been in a relationship since that I loved someone the way I loved him. Sometimes its us who self sabotages the relationship. He was a wonderful guy.
Help me please. I have been suffering for most of my life and only recently come to the diagnosis of emotional disregulation . It has harmed my marriage now of 25 years to my beautiful wife and I want her to totally understand what I have been suffering with.
Please help
Hi there, this video was created for the significant others ruclips.net/video/mt3hJf9sD4U/видео.html
-Cara@TeamFairy
I disagree. I do actually believe we are attempting to heal a childhood wound. But from a different perspective. It's Not Necessarily that we WANT to be abandoned per say, ..because who the hell would want to feel that all over again? But it's more so the BELIEF and expectation of abandonment as well as being accustomed to being abandoned... that creates the self fulfilling prophecy. So we end up either sabotaging the relationship or fawning for it so as to ensure we won't be abandoned....consciously or unconsciously.
Appreciate your thoughts!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Could you please do a video on how to handle triggers for survivors of childhood sexual abuse ? It would really help me because I am going through a lot.
You are welcome to write in to hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com and put 'Ask the Fairy' in the subject line. Thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am so scared of repeating or re-inscenating my childhood / the relationship towards my parents / or even my parent's relationship, that I find myself almost constantly dysregulated, tense and scared - and I find myself in a relationship in which he has an absent father and a mother with let's say narcissistic traits. weolcome childhood repetition!
I am sooo scared this is doomed from the very beginning, although we talk a lot. But the way he is and acts and the way I am and act -- the combination is exhausting.
People abandon others because they are self centered, self absorbed, or narcissists
Look at the pattern of what the person has done to others
You let the wrong people into your life! They are narcs- find new friends that are mature and healthy!
Who else feels shame that you’re like not in the ‘normal’ crowd that had safe happy loving childhoods, they look at you like you’re an alien if you have a trigger. But I think we who have been through childhood abuse are much stronger, much deeper and have much more to give. It’s a blessing in disguise.
Thank you so much for all of these insights and confirmations. I have made it "a mission" to heal, and the last few years have been the most intense healing I could handle. The Abandonment Melange was absolutely the "shadow" that I couldn't see and *knew* it was the reason that I seemed "to be too much" for others. The all/nothing cognitive distortion at play. Each day is a new step towards new understandings. I am down to just a couple trusted people in my life, that took the years to build the friendships, and all at a physical distance, another aspect of my "safety zone" (justification to my inner wound for why they were safely unavailable for anything more than friends)...now I finally understand how I *have been* committing *to myself* in new ways, and as I heal the CPTSD, I trust that I will meet more people closer to where I am at, to help me build those boundary skills, clarity of flags, and the space for me to *take my time* to let people in, and to take risks to make new choices. Thank you for being an incredible part of my journey to rebuild my self worth from a childhood that didn't have healthy models or treatment.
WOW, you're doing great!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🤩🥰🌻🦋🌻 thank you! I appreciate this feedback!
Great Video, Thanks. I'm Subscribing to your channel today. Then I'll click on a few of your links & hope to learn more. : )
Welcome!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
you might just be liking the feeling of being abandoned.... thats why i always unconsciously recreate the scenario of going missing for days on end because i might be liking the feeling of longing and missing
I’ve felt that in every relationship. It caused me to be reckless just to feel better. This toxic way of thinking got me a son and my heart broken several times. I never connected the dots with my parents divorce and my mom’s co-dependence and picking another bad guy to date and eventually marry.
Yeah but what to do if the other doesnt even look up c ptsd. And sends you lyrics about sa. Is that okey then
As always very very helpful & wonderfully clear explained! Thank you for your encouragement dear Anna❤
"Oh baby, this thing you and I have.... it's so special that we need to get some government up in the middle of it." - Doug Stanhope making fun of the institution of marriage.
I bring this up because this whole marriage thing is kind of a "political" topic for some people. I, for example, even from within my unhealed CPTSD, have no problem dialing into and acknowledging my desire to be in a PERMANENT, stable, loving relationship that lasts until one of us is deceased. That sounds absolutely awesome to me. But is that marriage? .... in the formal use of the word as a contract overseen by the government (which to me seems involved in way too many things that it really should not be involved in.) Do you see what I'm saying here? I'm wondering that, if some of the people who are "selling themselves short" by avoiding the "M" word might only be not wanting a formal GOVERNMENT contract between themselves and their partners for political or philosophical reasons - and simply are not expressing that aspect of their aspirations.
I think this is also aggravated by divorce statistics. People hear all their lives that about half of marriages (formal government sanctioned ones) end in divorce. So in this regard we can't hold up the institution of marriage as the highest level of commitment to a relationship. Surely there are other things that sustain long term commitments to each other than a piece of paper that basically says that the IRS acknowledges you both as a single family household with certain tax advantages.
(Now I'm worried that I just sound like a creative CPTSD victim who has come up with a more elaborate rationale to NOT want "marriage". But that could just be my CPTSD making me worry about that. At least it's probably clear that I do, in fact, have CPTSD.)
Corben A male relationship coach for women estimates only 20% of older people will form a healthy marriage. I have been told by older male friends they frequently receive marriage proposals. They also have many mini-emotional relationships with several women. They also form long term relationships with NO expectations of marriage. There are many hurdles if you want marriage and men have at least 3 or 4 more options than women. So if you do want a relationship, be aggressive.
Anna you are such a beautiful soul
:)
I am a Russia Adoptee with CPTSD. Your videos are inspiring.
So glad they're helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You're describing me perfectly 😢
What I really want to say is I love me and that is enough. Yeah sometimes its lonely and I reminisce but a relationship without sex is an unreasonable expectation
Glad you're here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Many of us, including myself, were not modeled healthy relationships. When you're a child, you don't know what you don't know and unfortunately pay the price of dysfunction in adulthood. Sigh .....
But we can get better now, that's the good news ;)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes !! and being aware of that is the first step !!
I absolutely, do not want marriage. The thing I can't admit that I want in a relationship is sex. I haven't confessed this anywhere. I am not talking about hookups or casual sex. I grew up conditioned to think and feel that unless I did xyz that I was physically repulsive to any possible person. I have no issue keeping loving wonderful compatible people in my life, and never feel like I will be alone. But it's so sterile and void of physicality much of the time. If I have a lifelong companion, I don't want to be sexual with them. I want separate bedrooms, and not to be legally bonded with a marriage contract. I've seen up close what divorce, custody fights, and domestic violence do to a person. I don't want that volatility. Even with PTSD I don't have issue with finding long term companionship. But being able to feel safe in my body, attractive in my skin, that I'm not broken or repulsive, and desired by someone. I'm totally at peace that people will come and go in my life. I am very satisfied with wonderful memories of people. I've had some long term romantic sexual partners and I've loved them, but hated the situation so much, even when they've been absolutely awesome for me. My life is constant change since I became an adult and broke free, and I know that if I were with someone for a long time, even over 5-10 years, we'd wake up one day as complete strangers to each other, having slowly become different people. And that thought completely mortifies me.
Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO
Thank you!
What if I really really dont want to be married but I do want a relationship?? I'm not keen on marriage because it's not magic! In fact, it's a construct of a patriarchal society to keep me as a women, in 'my place'! So I want a commitment it just doesn't need to be a legal piece of paper that says I or we are legitimate. I understand there are great marriages I just dont believe in the 'institution'.
You get to go after what you want!
-Cara@TeamFairy
abandonment also happens in adoption, as a newborn and also as the mother. you are abandoned by the family / partner/pack that should be there to protect you and your newborn from predators. often the adoption worker or invasive adopter IS the predator. this practice is very damaging and as deeply damaging as childhood abuse and neglect and abandonment.
Yes. And our biological natures are often denied and suppressed by these genetic strangers.
I have BPD symptons and I check all the symptoms, but these videos are the first in which i have found actual practical and helpful tips on how to regulate myself. Thank you so much.
My opinion, as someone was misdiagnosed with BPD (and Bipolar) in the 80s and 90s, and finally correctly diagnosed with CPTSD in 2010, is don't pay too much heed to diagnoses - especially if they're given by the many mental health professionals who don't understand/keep up with latest research on trauma and its effects on the brain. Sure, if saying you have BPD symptoms is helpful to you, then keep on. I'm with the school of thought that all these so-called personality disorders are "just" trauma responses and in that respect no different from CPTSD. If these CPTSD videos speak to you, hit you deep inside, keep watching and follow their wisdom. Start doing the Daily Practice and I bet you'll find your symptoms, whatever you call them, get better. I wish you peace and healing!
Great video! Love your channel
Stop blaming yourselves
tysm for all that you do. To me, your style is perfect.
Thought I got that life long partner and after 8 years he bailed on me and completely abandoned me.
He said vows I thought really would matter but it didn't. I opened my heart - I gave more of myself then ever before and now I'm not sure how to not shut down and completely go back in my shell.
I've been trying to heal for so long and I just found truth this summer I have CPTSD and had no idea what that was... but I finally feel I'm learning truth and feel there's hope to fully find healing and it was too late and my husband left me anyways.
It's been terrifying for me in learning so much about myself, it's humiliating and I just feel like I'm never gonna heal sometimes. I want to he healthy. I am so exhausted from the painful cycle that I've done since I was a child. CPTSD makes me into someone I am not ... my actions aren't a reflection of my heart.
You have helped me so much and have helped encourage me. I still feel overwhelmed though and get discouraged.
I understand completely! There is a lot of camaraderie in Crappy Childhood Fairy Land which helps with the discouragement bit.ly/2rukHvh
-Cara@TeamFairy
“I got this, I’m a ninja at this “, should have my pic beneath it🤣 Every member of my family has and at 47yrs old, continue to use this method with me when I share a new batch of drama in my life. After watching Anna, I was able to notice it and calmly explain to my wonderful siblings, “no, I’m not that strong. I’m actually hurt and struggling “. They were so shocked! After dissecting our troubled childhood, we realized we ALL received it differently. Sharing my story with them was amazing as they had empathy and apologies for ME. It felt so good to finally take the mask off and truly be myself and what better people than your family! This will not have that strong hold on you forever…each day it falls away! Thanks Fairy & team and try THE DAILY PRACTICE guys, just try it!!!❤️
what I want is to be accepted 2 to be loved for real like I have felt sometimes for someone 3 to have now drama in my life 4. to be at peace with the little things in life. 5. not to have to many complications to often in a relationship 6 to try to understand each other and talk through any problem we have not argue , 7 to listen to each other and make an effort to work through our differences together , 8 and to be honest with each other , 9 to heal each other by being there for each other in our lives together , 🐬
Worthy goals :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you ❤
I have never heard about Abandonment Melange before but is definitely a thing for me, I'll do a research about it
Thank you always helping me feel normal and showing us the path out. I’m sitting here again after insomnia, doing my daily practice and saw your video. I feel I can go back to bed now.