Nation's Single Friends Announce Plans To Just Sort Of Stand There While Couples Kiss On New Year's
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- This Week's Most Viral News: New Year's Eve Edition
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You can always pet the dog instead, he won't mind.
I'm a real party animal. As in, you can find me at the party on the floor with the animal
Can always kiss the dog too, probably won't mind, just get consent first
“Can I pet that dog?”
“Pet” the dog? Depending on the style of pet, you could land your tushy in jail for a bit. Or, a truly valuable Only Fans account.
Hey, there are all kinds of freaks out there.
Just keep them away from me.
Eek.
he is a very good boy and deserves more attention in the coming year
I for one propose, that us single friends stare awkwardly at those kissing to have them feel what we feel.
Not that we feel anything of course, because it's our choice to be single.
I propose us single friends kiss eachother but say no homo so it isn’t gay
I've been dead inside for 10 years.
Lol, you think kissing couples notice you _single people_ .
Ugh. As if.
I say we have fun with them.
We stare intently at them until they get freaked out.
When they ask what we're doing, we say: "Nothing. What're you doing?."
@@Gorilla_JonesI'm too a walking corpse
Bold of The Onion to assume I have friends.
😂😂
I appreciate the onion's ongoing dedication to making the news look like it is. 10 years ago: prime time and gaudy. Now: made rush on location by an underpaid recent grad
I went to a New Year's party one year where I didn't realize I was the only "stag" guest until midnight.... AWKWARD!!! A room full of happy couples... and me with the clam dip.
Better than crabs..😳
Hey, not so bad.
At least you know who you were going home with. And you weren’t gonna catch anything.
Not to be bleak, but I’ve been thru that, and so appreciate being independent and free.
Things may take time, but there’s a good reason for that. You’ll most likely end up with a gem of a person, if you take your time.
I’m 50 freakin 3, and have found a friend from 33 years ago, after endless crappy “relationships”. And we are content as f*ck.
You just never know.
Don’t seek; find.
And I wish you well
Sorry. That’s so convoluted.
I’m just trying to say that honestly, you’re going about it the right way.
Except for the clam dip.
I’d opt for an onion dip.
But that’s just me.
Sorry. I’m tired.
I hope that you’ve actually read this, and managed to come thru the other side with a few brain cells intact.
Best to you ✌️🐿️❤️😊
Wow. How terrible. You could be crocheting hats for the homeless or reading a book
That is what unattached women do.
Clam dip is lame. So is champagne 🍾
The clam dip does like you more if you talk with it a while before just dipping away.
Kiss the clam dip
They need to have a formal meeting with the attractive girls union to see if they can come to some sort of compromise
No way pal, those girls play hardball
I'm gonna smoke in the parking lot till I barf
we are family now
Time to act like I'm having a super serious formal or semi-formal discussion with someone on my phone while leaning against the wall. I'll occasionally make random mildly aggressive hand gestures with the hand I'm not using to hold the phone to indicate the intensity of the conversation.
This is why I never go to New Year's Eve parties and spend every New Year's Eve alone.
At least you guys have a friends group to chill with on NYE 🤷🏽♂️
What I’m saying is it could be worse and it could be better.
cuttin a little deep there, onion
I'm gonna die inside further while working on New Year's.
It's good to have a job
@@smurfyday ok boomer
i hope you get promoted and/or your benefits package improves
God, this is a beautiful coagulation of short form content. Exactly what I need in the morning to start off my day!
Coagulation? You have a way with words.
I personally would love pity from my friends, the single friends union doesn’t speak for all of us.
I'm not ashamed!
I hold my drink with a pleased smile. Happy that I'm not going through a divorce or bad breakup, or accidentally got someone pregnant!
You are happy that your seed is weak, and that none of your young will be spawning forth from a female's chest?
Society has fallen.
@nothere2994what’d they say
I will be one of the unhappy couples pretending that we can stand each other.
My friend in a relationship is coming to another friend's (small) houseparty with me, without his girlfriend, so I do not have to watch shit, instead we can make out with eachother (after saying "no homo" because we're not gay of course)
As a single man, that's exactly what I plan on doing
The struggle is real.
All my friends are married. And their wives never let them out anymore anyway. Neither do I think they're still kissing anyone. Certainly not their wives.
They openly discuss whether you should be dusted or vacuumed
I plan to wake up in the new year. As usual.
The Onion and AI enhanced video...a dangerous combo 🤣
So basically what we did last year. Got it 👍
"Rizz isn't racist enough"... There was some comment the other day about rizz being a sexist word. As a feminist, I'm still very confused. The kids have the spirit though... I think. I just think we could be tackling something more real.
One can never run out of The Onion videos, well the good ones done during the heydays, or The Onion Review, Film Standard with Peter K. Rosenthal. The single baddest Alpha male since Herbert Kornfeld.
the tucker carlson comment blindsided me good god
highest budget 2023 onion news network video
I didn't come here to face these vicious personal attacks.
….and these are the voluntary incels.
Yikes.
Ok onion, that one was too close to home
I’m spending new years with my parents it could be worse
"Whatever it means its not racist enough"
Content Quality is improving, keep it up
😂 You're like decoration to them.
It's me. I'm friends.
Riz MC (Riz Ahmed) is a rapper
Host a party yourself. You can then have an excuse to commandeer the person you had lusted after since they arrived. 😉🤣
What do you mean “developing” a sexual attraction toward Tucker Carlson
The speaker looks like the “booty warrior” 😂😂😂.
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way, the choice is yours” 😂😂😂
I can’t believe they put Fleecd Johnson in this skit. Legendary.
When I was single, I wanted to find someone to be with. Now I’m married, I miss being single. So, single people… STAY SINGLE!
I don't like the single white frame being used as a transition. I don't know if other news networks do that, and they're copying them, but it feels distracting and gives me the impression they forgot to put in the transitions before shipping the story.
Joke's on you, I'm acearo and hate NYE. I will go out of my way to not see other people, much less kiss them.
People caring reminds me that I might too. Hence please stop reminding me, so I won’t.
I get all up in there.
I would like to see the whole conference, not this dum tiktok shit
Boomers, do you know what Skibbidi is?
Candy Crush? Do people still play that?
imagine attending New Year’s events, LOL
Tim Russ sure has fallen from Star Trek.
I thought that guy was the Booty Warrior at first.
god I love being aroace
The onion is back
the onion really fell off
I thought this was the booty warrior, look him up 🤣
I see you're choosin the hard way
Classic Onion W. heck yea!
Ok.
Just, no.
In too many ways to count.
My boyfriend is asleep next to me right now, and I feel like a hunka-hunka-burnin crap. I gotta roll over and love my sweet pea
Happy Holidays, people. Love the one you’re with! 🐿️❤️🌺✌️😛🌻😊
Faking dementia 🤦🏻♂️😂
onion rings
‘I’m not rly looking for anyone rn… but if I were I would actually be so overwhelmed with options that it wouldn’t even be worth bothering with… and I know that bc… just trust me’
I love that The Onion has managed to transition to TikTok age. How else are we going to to predict the news of 2030?
I was thinking more go to bed early and then drive my boom-car through the neighborhood at 6am to start the year right....
I will hug my puppy
I feel targeted
Didn’t you guys already upload this last year????
I'm sure you can get anyone you want, Lil Lashley
Soo...
I’m so proud of myself as a single person for getting a kiss at midnight, I’m too good for this group of SQUARES
I thought he was the booty warrior
onion cmon, kinda low effort and the reddit videos arent ironic enough to be funny, it doesnt necessarily have to be high budget, just creative
Does anyone remember when the Onion was hilarious...seems like so long ago...🤷♂️
I certainly don't remember you ever being funny at all
Why is this accurate 😂😂😂 happy new year sinlge folk 🥂
You can always find random girls to kiss you on NYE just go to a club or bar or some big party.
And thats how diseases spread. Don't be gross
That sounds even more depressing than staying in
Lmao desperate activities
Sure, like that's how it totally works buddy
I will just kiss whoever I see in front of me that day, them yelling "get away from me" and "SOMEBODY HELP" just makes it better
🙂👏
Some of us old fogeys in long-term relationships are happy just to watch New Years on TV, or sleep through it, and read about it in the newspaper in the morning. We don't get all kissy about it, or inebriated. Why don't you singles just do like that if you feel awkward?
All year long I have been waiting for this gem.. relatable
Last year everyone was drunk enough that one of the homies smooched me instead 😳
I’m gonna chuckle and pretend I LOVE being single and then go home and eat a tub of gelato.
Never minded being alone on Valentine's Day, but being the only single guy when everyone is doing the New Years kiss is rough.
I mean I more or less already do this
I'm old enough to remember when the onion was funny
I'm not old enough to remember when you were funny... Well, even the universe isn't
That really weird spam at the end is always annoy, why even use those stupid mobile games and "trendy" TikTok & robotic voices...?
Other people enjoy them. You're not the audience
@@smurfyday lol you commented on like every comment criticizing the onion making this shit
its low quality crappy content with no creativity behind it and not enough irony to be funny
Classic