*Cutscene* First your wife cheats on you, you find out and fight the guy she's fucking. You fight him and she gets upset. Then you get told you will never get in the house again and the mission starts.
I think they stole Postal 2's gameplay with the hidden Taliban base in your backyard. Plus, just like in that game, if you put on a police uniform you get to kill people without worrying.
I got the lying recruiter dlc, where you’re tricked into a 6 year contract being told you’ll be special forces, but end up guarding the gate and checking ids for 6 years. Play time is 6 years exactly, ending when you get your dd214
the Australia DLC is 4 years with another 4 years when you realise you have no transferable skills into Civilian life but i heard if you get a high enough score you can finish the game after your 6th year if your knees explodes and you get a slipped disc
@@seanstevenson2738 still better than getting the Lying Recruiter DLC AND the Shitty Squid MOS DLC where you spend 6 years cleaning up the ship and arguing with pinoys.
@@computershutoff13666 have you ever, at like 10:30am, when you are completely awake and lucid, sharted so hard the force of the shockwave made you and your companions lose consciousness, sort of like how test pilots lose consciousness when they go over 5 Gs?
Guess they must all be nerds at heart. Judging by their satirical nature, I wouldn't doubt it. I'm more surprised about how the called an M249 by it's name, got the weight closish, and nailed the "fire only with explicit orders." It's kind of depressing that The Onion does more research than most real news outlets...
@Biggus Dickus Maximus I of the Seven Megatheroids isn't "majari" sewers? its not a storm drain or is it?...now you're making me doubt my own language lol
For the speedrunners out there, if you clip into the corner of the mess hall just right you can skip ahead and you only have to wait 3 hours for some truck to arrive instead of 4
@@miloradowicz you need to downpatch the game and it still works, though a new skip we found which lets you not repair the trucks only works on the latest version and is faster
NOW LISTEN HERE TROOP. ACTIVE DUTY TAKE ALL THE WEAPONS BUT DON WORRY. I HADDA DIG UP ANDREW JACKSONS GRAVE BUT I FOUNDYA A GODDAM RIFLE. NOW GET ON THAT BUS, CUZ YO ASS GOING TA NAM. THATS RIGHT, WE GOIN BACK. OORAAAAAA-
Need some help.. I'm stuck at the part where you're supposed to talk to some locals and ask where they saw some truck going but when you get there nobody they sent speaks Arabic so we're stuck awkwardly standing around...
This is a late reply, but in case anyone else is stuck and happens to be reading this, here is what you do: You don't need to talk to anyone. Just walk into random houses and search through their things. After your squad searches 25 houses, the mission is complete and you can head back to base. Speed matters. To recieve full credit, you need to get back to base before chow starts. Choose houses with friendly residents, to avoid confrontation. If a door is locked, don't wait for someone to unlock it. Just break it down. If a dog runs towards you, shoot it. If anyone appears upset or agitated, detain them. Don't worry about breaking anything or leaving a mess. It doesn't matter. (Spoiler: There is no information on the truck to be found, so don't bother searching more than 25 houses.) Just ransack 25 houses, then head back to base as quickly as possible. There are two achievement that can be obtained on this mission. One is for getting a picture of yourself wearing ladies undergarments on your head. The other is for stealing food from a home and eating it in front of the family. There is also, of course, the achievement for collecting 1000 war trophies, so don't forget to do that. I hope this helps!
NorthernWindNut You gotta call HQ and have them send an interpreter but they have to make sure he brings a mask so that he won't be identified. I'm actually stuck at the level where you're tasked with picking up all the cigarette butts around the CP. 😩
@@brysonkuervers2570 I believe this cut of the game was to convince normies that there wasn't any controversy scenes like "No Russian". Just like MW 2019 where the game came back to its roots but due to explicit scenes, we get a marketing scheme that is MW2 2022.
I love how the onion made this as satire, but if this was actually released it would get a cult following immediately... just look at tank mechanic simulator.
@@youruncle2 Although it's glitchy af, or used to be anyway, as a programmer and shade tree mechanic I admire the detail and effort put into that game. Autism projects are the best projects imo.
"You have to drive this supply truck from this village to some other village and when you get there they say that the order was messed up so you have to drive back." This is absolutely true lmao 😂😂
this came out when i was like 11 and i couldn't understand this was satire so i told my friends at school about this and then was really confused when the actually modern warfare 3 came out because it was nothing like this
I saw this video when it first came out, then I joined the Army..... I found out how true this video really is. I mean down to the avoiding mess hall details.... like wow so realistic 10/10 would not join the Army again.
@Bryson Kuervers Honestly, it just depends on the kind of person you are. Some people Excell some people don't. It is worth a shot though, I learned a lot from the Army. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm drunk AF haha
My uncle always described the military as, “the best worst option anyone has”, as in, he is thankful for what the military taught him and he made some very close friends. However, he would rather, “suck a fat, salty dick”, than re-enlist.
@@brysonkuervers2570 I was in active Combat so to behonest what he talking about is actually the best part of it it just get boring and tedious still better then watching you friends and colleagues get gunned down
I personally like the mission where you order screws because you need 2 of them but they only supply screws in packs of 1,000. I especially enjoy the part where we throw the other 998 screws into a dumpster.
And then best of all, you find out you actually needed 1 extra screw from the pile and so have to drive 20 miles back and then dumpster dive around the city to find them again.
I’ve done some shit like this. My last deployment I was RPPO and my boss wanted to buy a tv for his office. We ordered it, it came in and he decided he didn’t want something that big in his office so it sat in our storage space for months until I was ordered to throw it away. If I wasn’t in Africa I would have taken it home or mailed it.
I just got a copy from Gamestop, my favorite mission was the one where you go on patrol and have to sit in the Humvee for several hours while nothing goes on. Then when you return to base you have to do paperwork about how nothing happened. Later that night you have to decide if you are going to urinate in the toilet or out in the desert to prove you can piss into the wind and not get wet.
@@classifiedad1 That's even better, why go outside to join the miltary when you can join the military in the comfort of your own home. I'm just waiting for the enemy fire peripheral where it shoots real bullets at you when your character is under fire, that way you can also experience realistic PTSD.
I remember playing this when I was still a dumb teenager and a lot of things went over my head. During the ending mission where you return home from your deployment and you greet your wife and son, I didn't understand why my son was black even though I chose the white character. Now that I'm an adult I can really appreciate the effort they put into realism.
@@cat-le1hf Yeah, that was a bitch of a QTE sequence. I kept pressing "belt" instead of "backhand." Took me like eight tries to get it right. Fun little UCMJ side quest after completing it tho.
They've just released a naval edition of the game. Missions include peeling potatoes, lubricating machinery and repainting bulkheads. For the final boss battle you must face a disciplinary board on sexual-harassment charges following an unfortunate teabagging incident.
Can't wait for the submarine dlc, I hear there's a level where you get caught drinking at sub school and have to stand at attention for your whole work day for a week while a warrant officer occasionally walks over and yells unintelligibly at you
The "WW1 U.S. Soldier" game that came out last week is super realistic. For the first couple of years you sit around in a cabin on the border of Mexico and ride around on ships, then you get sent to France and cry yourself to sleep after hearing your friends slowly die from trench-foot. 9/10 not enough shell shock.
@@arandomzoomer4837 I got shot in the leg while playing it, and the hospital ended up being very low-quality, and they ended up amputating half of my leg, now I'm suffering from -7 speed debuffs.
I really liked the part where you have to try to fall asleep. It's super challenging due to the dysentery/starvation-induced hunger cramps, the corpse stench, and the rats nibbling at your face when you start to doze off. I almost had it, but then a shell landed in my trench and I had to start over. Way better than Dark Souls.
When I was in the Army from 2005-2010 I did get people asking how many people I killed. I was also in Sadr City Iraq. That mortar attack was scary. Truly terrifying. I was on the toilet at the moment. But not for long. I was an infantryman after all with an M249 and of course folks wanted to know . I told those asking me how many I killed in combat. They didn't seem to even care that much. They just wanted a number. No mention as to details, why, any consequences from doing so, where this was, or what happened exactly or how other people saw me. None. They just wanted a number. Which I found to be odd. Because my answer had many other factors attached to it. In fact, its as if the number I gave was on an invisible list in their mind and I was being compared to movie stars. Very odd. If you are going to ask me a dark question like " How many people did you kill?" You need to hear the whole story and it's context. Not just the number. You need to know the context and all its variables. Which takes time to tell all that. This way you can understand some things. Then asking me how many I killed may not be a question many will ask . Because it is descriptive.
My dad was a paratrooper and was in the invasion of Panama and in Iraq. Kids are curious so one time I asked how many people he killed and he just said he doesn’t know. He said he just shot at people who were shooting at him.
Yeah, some people are stupid and think that real military service is like videogames. In the military you don't know how many people you've killed, unless it you're in CQB then there's no way to confirm how many you've taken out. Many engagements are hundreds of meters away and you're really just lobbing bullets at each other.
^ Can kinda agree, but Arma 3's kinda mainstream now in the FPS community imo. Arma 2 OA was the OG. I remember spending an entire gaming session with friends driving around Takistan, not firing a single shot.
Honestly despite the Onion being satire, with the amount of effort they put into small details that otherwise most people don't notice is amazing to me considering that the mass media does a terrible job of putting in extra work to the full story. CNN and Fox News would have called the M249 an AK-15 weighing 25 pounds or something.
I know I shouldn’t laugh when it says “you died game over” but to me that was the most realistic part. Games today are such BS where you get hit dozens of times and don’t die. All injuries repaired by a magic drink. I often wondered why veterans didn’t get more turned off by this.
I really love the part where your commander accidentaly mistakes a school bus for a military vehicle, so you now get to play a bonus mission situated in the Hague.
Haha, that's so funny. US troops can't be tried in the Hague, because the US doesn't aknowledge the supremacy of international law on their soldiers. Soooo funnyyy..... Hahaha.
I love the feature where you can select to see a doctor if you’re injured but you need to wait several months for authorization, spend a few days in a hospital, and then be told your injuries weren’t service related. 10/10 would step on a land mind for Uncle Sam again!
The army takes such poor care of soldiers... and what’s worse, they make big promises and give you a false sense of security that they will take care of you (making you less hesitant to risk your health/welfare etc. because you think it’s gonna be covered by the army). And they end up abandoning you in your time of need.
Features include: * Random conversation with a DoD contractor where you realize they make 100k for "security" . * Random mission to guard what appears to be flowers but you realize it's Opium.
As a recovering opioid addict, please forgive me if this is a ridiculous question, but have you ever heard of incidents where soldiers would milk the poppies/dry the pods and make tea/smoke the raw opium resin/try to get high on the fields they're guarding? Personally I'm an undisciplined lazy asshole and don't have training pounded into my skull, so I feel like I'd have a _REALLY_ hard time working next to what could be the potential to your own safe/limitless supply of personal dope (assuming you never got caught or those that _did_ know didn't report you)? I'd definitely be thinking about it...
Onion is the modern version of that 1990's show that has its reporter go to the future. Sadly, the host died in 2004 and the show was cancelled luckily a RUclipsr named Ryan George has documented this show on his channel. @@memesfromdeepspace1075
6/10, wasn’t immersive enough, they forgot 24 hour staff duty, 3 hours of SHARP PowerPoints, Libo speeches, waiting for hours in line to turn in your weapon only to be told by the armorers that you missed one flake of carbon in your M4’s star chamber. Also, there was no mention to the borderline addiction of alcohol, energy drinks and tobacco products, slow advancements and many more reasons. You had it guys, you almost had it.
Lol good shit! Stop loss, fence in, roomate masturbating when your in the room, DFAS paying you $100 more one month and taking back $500 to fix their mistake, talking about creative ways to murder Jody, police calls, ankle pads, bullshit work, CS to test your mask lol (couldnt of used smoke?), dog and pony shows, black mold in the barracks, waiting forever for nothing to happen, "check the box" classes, talking about creative ways to murder the armorer if he doesnt take our shit, oh fuck where is my weapons card?, antibuse, they never fuck up your SSN until its time to pick up important documents like your DD214...A.A./N.A. 4 Lima
@@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 no, he just forgot the game can't be masturbatory self-indulgence to be good. Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing have no conflict at all yet they are incredibly beloved.
@@AirahsELL I'd say it's matter of what the person likes. I enjoyed the long travels and silences because it was a breath of fresh air ( as compared to a lot of games where you shoot, go somewhere else, shoot something or someone else, take another set of orders and repeat the whole process). Sorry if this is a bit contradictory to my previous comment (it was meant to be a joke, the original one).
I chose the "Abused, Underprivileged Inner-City Ghetto-born" background, the recruiter got me with that line about rappers being ex-marines. Should have seen it coming.
Watching sand DLC is unfortunately unavailable in my (Czech) localization of the game unless you somehow manage to get deployed through the international matchmaking servers. All I ever got was the watching trees in rain default gameplay. Fortunately I'm going to finish the game on monday after 3 years of gameplay and go study physics. Best of luck to you on your sand watching quest. And make sure to glass any sand that should conduct itself in an unseemly manner.
the speedrunners take the loose screw in your bunk in the first mission and backhop against it for precisely 17 frames, then do a 180 crouch jump and build up speed in the other direction for 17 frames. the horizontal speed is cancelled but the vertical speed exponentially increases, until you go past mach 1, causing the game to assume you are in the jet mission. because that mission ends at your bunk, you instantly complete it and trigger the attack on the base in your sleep. after the attack is triggered, clipping in the right spot will coc you to the terrorist base instead of your own, skipping that mission. after that, you are sent home and awarded a medal of honor, which, as we all know, has the shortest epilogue in which you can't live with yourself and commit suicide. the current record sits at 2 minutes, 47 seconds for any%
Speedrunner, MW3. Speedrunner, i just found the Red Pill. now i can Shoot people outside of the Video game. Proceeds to walk to his own house, takes the Controller, and plays the game with his own character as he Continues to break the 4th wall after 4th wall. Having his own private Army Stationed at his own house
Wow after so many years I’ve finally found it. This video jebaited be 9 years ago when I was a kid. I remember being hyped for the realistic cod game and the only thing I remembered was when the one lady was talking about how she got killed when staring out in the open and had to start over. I remembered that but it got distorted in my mind over time ( I remembered her as being very excited and impressed about it for some reason). The rest of this video never stuck in my mind, so weird. For years every now and then that memory would pop in my head about the realistic cod game scene where the lady died in the open but I never recalled it happening when I played all of the COD MW games. It bothered me for years and now I know I was trolled by the onion when I was child. It feels unreal, that now I know that memory I had wasn’t just a dream and it really happened, I can’t believe it.
ArmyGrunt1986 good idea I don’t shop at Walmart ever since I.. wait I never went there I have always gone somewhere else it’s just i pass Walmart a lot
Make sure to tell him it was or you won’t be redeployed. But he has to invite you to a pub crawl first and then you have casual unsatisfying sex with a girl who thought it would be exciting to bang a real war hero.
How about an Air Force version? You get sent as an aircraft mechanic to a base supporting C-130s. You sit around in an air condition room watching movies. Occasionally there will be something to fix, then it back to the movies. When your shift is over you go back to tent city and drink your 3 rations of beer, then go into the rec tent and play Grand Theft Auto.
@HaloLoreNerd dude, that's actually a legit idea! My Old Man was an Air Force mechanic, and I'm a former Army Engineer. I've always dreamed of a game where I could fly AND fix them! Maybe make some custom modifications...
Holy crap, that is realistic. Maybe the patch will include pulling security for hours while you wait for EOD to show up and disarm a bomb that almost killed you. I wonder who their military advisor is.
I am an Iraq War Veteran (and an active-duty soldier)... I was actually in Iraq when this video was published. This is extremely accurate. I'm sure a veteran wrote this.
476 Anno Domini Yeap, I’m a veteran, and a commie. If you believe in, from each according to his abilities and to each according to their needs, the US military is about the closet you can get to that.
Wanax I’m talking about pay and benefits. If I’m sick, I get treatment, no charge. If o get married, and have kids, I get a house or a housing allowance. Want to go to school, they pay for it. If you have be exploited, at least get some benefits. All that being said... if I can figure out a way to get out without significantly impacting the lifestyle of my family, this will definitely be my last contract.
Totally sending this to my veteran buddies. Especially Chris who spent his entire deployment "in the rear with the gear" schlepping crates and vehicles across the same body of water.
I remember doing a "mission" in Iraq where we were ready to roll out and had to wait for 12 hours in the rain next to our vehicles near the gate waiting for medevac to turn green. It didn't and we headed back to our tents
Recently, in Kuwait, went to the army range to fire. We waited 3 hours to fire because medvac wouldn't go green for visibility, despite us bringing our own ambulance and being right down the road from Buehring.
I like the the mission where eight soldiers are crammed so tight in the back of a sweltering hot Bradley fighting vehicle that you lose all feeling in your legs and get an agonizing back ache.
Chancery Melton My first death in this game came when I forgot to bring water during that mission and died of heat stroke because I felt awkward about asking his friends.
Noremac Cameron Yep Bradley was a shit vehicle cause they wanted it to be able to do several things along with it’s initial role of carrying infantry that it eventually become something and the infantry role was gradually lost. All you had was a sweltering fucking compartment.
The new Star Trek game: Star Trek: Ordinary Crewman, is 100,000 hours of solid gameplay as an ordinary crew member on the Enterprise. 99% is spent on mundane tasks such as cataloguing gaseous anomalies, but randomly you are thrown from side to side violently, and nobody bothers to tell you what the fuck is going on. At the end of the game, Captain Picard decides to ram another ship with the Enterprise, and since your cabin is at the front of the saucer, you die in your sleep.
As a man in the military, I can confirm that while MW3 is more realistic than its predecessor, it failed to show the constant safety briefs, punishment for others actions, false motivational morale, and casual homosexuality. It did have more forms that you can keep track of, useless equipment that you have to haul around, and a fully untrained organization of 18-20 year olds in charge of all your money.
Claystead I’m still waiting for the DLC where your working nights and you go for a shower in the middle of the night to find some guy taking a shit in the shower.
Welshie Ranger I bought the Air Force version. You are given a full nights rest except for a couple times a week where you watch the door for a couple hours.
I am still waiting for the realistic shooter game where getting shot once means you have to spend a week in hospital, months in physical therapy and it still leaves your physical abilities permanently impaired.
My favorite levels are the ones where you marry a stripper just before deploying and then a couple levels later without warning she cleans your bank account of all the hazard pay you saved up. Impressive continuity
That shit happened to my first supply Sergeant. Married a stripper we had met the month before NTC and was divorced and in debt by the time we got back from Iraq about a year later. Dudes will do some strange shit when they fear for their mortality, I guess. Soldiers, stay way from car dealerships and strippers, please.
@@alangriffin8146 I think every vet, who's not the victim, has a story of the guy who married some chick of questionable character/reputation not long after meeting her and got cleaned out by her while he was deployed. Man, I'll tell ya, the young and the dumb.
@@apexone5502 unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be a lesson that can be taught. I’m glad I joined as an older guy. The types that join the military are especially prone to rash action, it seems. Hence, them joining the military. I’m no different, but was a bit wiser than the young bucks. A frat house with guns, man.
@@alangriffin8146 well, you and I are neck and neck. I had joined at an older age as well (late 20s). The few of us who were a little more seasoned were able to avoid a lot of the nonsense the younger soldiers would get themselves into. I can't imagine what I would've gotten into had a joined at 18 (like I almost did) away from the parental thumb.
7 years ago I wrote a report on this video for a college literature class about realistic staire in media and how satire is sometimes closure to the truth than people's perceptions of reality and got an A on it... true story lol
After you beat the game you unlock Re-drafted mode, where you start the game over again with all your items, but as a 40+ year old man. You have a slower move speed, worse eyesight, and if your Gout meter fills up all the way you get sent home
Actually some of these shoot-the-shit convos could be fun to play through. Almost like a visual novel experience. Some of the most inventive scenarios come out of boredom.
Until you're forced to choose between things like "would you rather eat shit, or drink shit", and are attacked on a personal level for choosing a different answer.
12GB of audio with possible combinations of what you could shoot-the-shit about! Endless entertainment! Get your free copy at your local recruiter's office! _part of an advertisement on TV at the time_
Sending you so much love and light. PTSD is rough but it can be overcome. Keep that light in you burning, even if it’s just a feeble flame some days. ❤
So I need help here. I'm playing this game right now. I'm in the middle of the ten hour wielding mission, and I'm supposed to be gossiping about celebrities, but I keep ending up revealing private information about my family. What buttons am I supposed to push to start talking about my jealous rage for Matt Damon? =)
Can't wait for the DLC that features the realistic themes of PTSD, Finding your wife/GF in bed with another man, Divorce, Losing your house & other shit, being homeless, suicide & the post credits; "We didn't notice any of the signs. He seemed perfectly fine, we don't know what happend to him."
Can't forget about the main mission of the dlc: dealing with lack of government support after you become severely disabled but it's ok because someone in Walmart thanked you for your service
Once found a guy laying on the side of I-75 in the rain we thought was dead. Turned out he was incredibly drunk because he just got back and found out his wife had cheated and cleaned him out. Said he had nothing left and to just leave him alone and let him die. My friend had already called the police and ambulance before he woke up and when he found out he stumbled into a nearby swamp to hide from them. I couldn't convince my friends to not tell them where he went so the poor guy probably got charges on top of his already f-ed life.
@@BillyBob-qu1fsI’m a woman and I’m pissed at that wife. What a disgusting lack of character/morals/empathy, making an already-difficult situation (of readjusting to civilian life and dealing with trauma) 10000x worse. Disgusting.
They pretty much nailed it, especially moving around equipment and filling out paperwork. Hate it when they put me on task to clean cigarette butts. I'm like I don't even smoke make the smokers clean it.
Yo, I am actually on the special feature; deployment Germany, where we sit around and repair strykers for my whole contract. This video game is the story of my life.
Oh man I'd almost forgotten about this video. This brings back some great memories I have of the game. One playthrough, I made it all the way through my deployment, came home, and ETS'd only to run into some weird bug where my VA paperwork never went through so I went to a bar to lower my stress meter and ended up committing manslaughter in a bar fight and got a game over.
How hot was it? How many people have you killed? Do you see the movie Black Hawk Down? Did you ever do a Black Hawk Down? Were you ever like the guy in Black Hawk Down? You know the movie Black Hawk Down? I like that movie.
Because you was playing the drawdown storyline, you need to play the surge storyline. In the surge storyline you can get a waiver for everything, (including previous convictions, tattoos and drug abuse) and failing the asvab guarantee you an 11b position.
@@TheQrow88 They can lower the standards in order to meet their numbers. Was done during the Iraq when the sectarian violence was in the highest, from 2005 to 2008. www.google.com/amp/s/slate.com/news-and-politics/2008/01/the-u-s-army-lowers-recruitment-standards-again.amp
Oh they love to save money, whenever it concerns the average citizen. Medicare4all? Nah to expensive. Infrastructure? Sorry can't afford. Public schools? Better try the private ones COVID relief? We wish we had the money But: Military contractors? Take what you need Broke mega corporation? We got your back Big tech? Take our subsidy Criminal banks? We bail you out
@@themeddite I believe 24% or so is spent on military personnel. Thats wages and retirement benefits. Most of the budget goes to maintenance wich is about 42%. This covers alot, including Healthcare for personal, as well as maintenence and training.
Games like this exist and I love them. Example: CM-SS13. Game of Colonial Marines vs Xenos. Marines have a military structure, hierarchy and economy. Some marines are literally just ordering and sending supplies, hauling equipment. Some are engineers just repairing stuff. Some are just pilots. Some are just doctors giving surgery to coma patients. There are also commanding officers, military police, even a combat reporter. All real players on a server, by the way.
Also, the defending of phoron wells really feel like you’re garrisoned there. Fucking around with destroyed buildings, asking people their thoughts on OBs, that deal.
@@bradley4465 pleasure to see you here, Marine. Indeed, it is quite the milsim experience sometimes. One time I saw a guy using all the correct protocols on the mortar launcher. Me, having been a mortarman irl before, I ask him in LOOC where he served and he just tells me he read a mortar manual he found online. Fucking love this community.
@@Frankey2310 That was a rip off, when my guy has a meltdown it is literally just a reskin of Mason losing his shit in the hallway at the end of Black Ops 1.
I personally like the mission where you sit through a 11 hour flight home
Then there is the dlc where you have to battle PTSD and drug abuse
@@brandonknight431 PTSD from what
@@lol-un6nl Repairing trucks
@@brodik6207 the loud clangs of dropping tools and bumping your head constantly really gets to you after service man
Thank you for your service to Israel- I mean America
I hear they're going to release a veteran DLC which is pretty much a homeless simulator
*Cutscene* First your wife cheats on you, you find out and fight the guy she's fucking. You fight him and she gets upset. Then you get told you will never get in the house again and the mission starts.
Maddy Grand oddly specific
You even get to train pigeons to shit on people.
The nightmare mini game is pretty lame
I think they stole Postal 2's gameplay with the hidden Taliban base in your backyard. Plus, just like in that game, if you put on a police uniform you get to kill people without worrying.
The play time is slightly less than 2 years.
Definitely worth the price.
Sousabird by now you could've finished the whole game twice!
I got the lying recruiter dlc, where you’re tricked into a 6 year contract being told you’ll be special forces, but end up guarding the gate and checking ids for 6 years. Play time is 6 years exactly, ending when you get your dd214
Sean Stevenson That DLC was such a bullshit man, I've been there.
the Australia DLC is 4 years with another 4 years when you realise you have no transferable skills into Civilian life but i heard if you get a high enough score you can finish the game after your 6th year if your knees explodes and you get a slipped disc
@@seanstevenson2738 still better than getting the Lying Recruiter DLC AND the Shitty Squid MOS DLC where you spend 6 years cleaning up the ship and arguing with pinoys.
"Skills: Impressions of superiors."
Someone in the military definitely helped write this.
I usually fart myself asleep
Have you sharted yourself asleep?
@@khu649 yes
@@computershutoff13666 have you ever, at like 10:30am, when you are completely awake and lucid, sharted so hard the force of the shockwave made you and your companions lose consciousness, sort of like how test pilots lose consciousness when they go over 5 Gs?
@@nicholasm7822real life sleep spell
So much effort put into a shitpost, gotta love the onion.
There's a lot of dedication in these videos
It's sad that more effort and professionalism was put into a parody news broadcast than most real new broadcasts.
ohhh i forgot this was the 🧅
It's not a shitpost. It's a news parody
@@danielskrskr ok brainlet
This game was amazing. I can't wait for the military divorce DLC.
And the. Working fast food because your wife took your very little money
bruh too accurate
Objective: Secure custody of your child
With character upgrade: PTSD flashback.
+50% emotion
-100% focus
-100% sanity
+500% damage
That actually happens to people in the army?
I heard if u get prestige master in the game u get something called PTSD where u are able to rewatch epic montages of your gameplay at anytime
This is grim and I love you.
That's fucking horrible 😂
10/10 comment
I do it daily
Sounds fun
The mission where you try not to get caught dozing off during mandatory PowerPoint briefings was the most intense.
They put that in Americas Army. Fucking medic exam.
@@janneskoneczny4989 SF training as well
@@janneskoneczny4989warrior spirit hoah?
Anyone kid struggling to pay attention has ADD. Any kid having more success at it and remaining still is a well trained kid with ADD.
@@Courier_6I replaced my ADD with PTSD now I don't even sleep anymore 💪
Surprisingly the onion has more of a clue about video games than the actual media
Truer words have never been spoken my friend! Ok, maybe they have, but you get the point.
Guess they must all be nerds at heart. Judging by their satirical nature, I wouldn't doubt it. I'm more surprised about how the called an M249 by it's name, got the weight closish, and nailed the "fire only with explicit orders." It's kind of depressing that The Onion does more research than most real news outlets...
"news outlets" you mean infortainment channels.
Yeah but its not surprising. The onion its got a pretty good clue on most stuff. But its mainly because the media aint got a clue about anything.
so true
My favorite part was the quick-time event where you struggle to remember the Arabic word for "storm drain."
How do you play these missions ??
im an arab and i don't know the word for that XD, i just say a "water stream" lol
@Biggus Dickus Maximus I of the Seven Megatheroids isn't "majari" sewers? its not a storm drain or is it?...now you're making me doubt my own language lol
doar maybe
I feel like there’s a story behind that comment lol
For the speedrunners out there, if you clip into the corner of the mess hall just right you can skip ahead and you only have to wait 3 hours for some truck to arrive instead of 4
Yeah, you can actually entirely skip that sequence if you press spacebar when exiting the helicopter at the start of the game
woah really? imma try this now!
is this a bug or a glitch of some sort?
Rare comment
I think they fixed that. Now if you try to abuse the glitch, sergeant's gonna bite your head off.
@@miloradowicz you need to downpatch the game and it still works, though a new skip we found which lets you not repair the trucks only works on the latest version and is faster
After 7 years of being out, I recently considered reenlisting
This was all the motivation I needed to stay a civilian…
NOW LISTEN HERE TROOP. ACTIVE DUTY TAKE ALL THE WEAPONS BUT DON WORRY. I HADDA DIG UP ANDREW JACKSONS GRAVE BUT I FOUNDYA A GODDAM RIFLE. NOW GET ON THAT BUS, CUZ YO ASS GOING TA NAM. THATS RIGHT, WE GOIN BACK. OORAAAAAA-
what the fuck why would you ever reenlist, thank god you watched this
@@NoxysPlace1 hour ago??? Weird
@@Traveler_2028 hours ago??? Weird
@@I_Dislike_RUclips_Handles 11 hours ago??? Weird
I gotta say, that Shakira argument is pretty solid.
Im still with Jessica Biel on this one
2muchwhit1 you’re saying you wouldn’t have sex wit shakira if she was right there?
@@max4750 Not if Jessica Biel was right there.
I agree with his point about Shakira, but Jessica Biel’s ass is just too good to pass up.
@@DuncanUdaho67 But pray tell who is better at moving that ass, hmm??
They forgot to add cheating wife feature. 0/10
That's the dlc you noob
PROJARED
@@ilikefoodcrazy I thought that unlocked after you beat the game on veteran mode...:(
Jodyed
Fucking Jodie’s in the game now!
Need some help.. I'm stuck at the part where you're supposed to talk to some locals and ask where they saw some truck going but when you get there nobody they sent speaks Arabic so we're stuck awkwardly standing around...
Try pressing X as fast as you can.
This is a late reply, but in case anyone else is stuck and happens to be reading this, here is what you do:
You don't need to talk to anyone. Just walk into random houses and search through their things. After your squad searches 25 houses, the mission is complete and you can head back to base.
Speed matters. To recieve full credit, you need to get back to base before chow starts. Choose houses with friendly residents, to avoid confrontation. If a door is locked, don't wait for someone to unlock it. Just break it down. If a dog runs towards you, shoot it. If anyone appears upset or agitated, detain them. Don't worry about breaking anything or leaving a mess. It doesn't matter. (Spoiler: There is no information on the truck to be found, so don't bother searching more than 25 houses.) Just ransack 25 houses, then head back to base as quickly as possible.
There are two achievement that can be obtained on this mission. One is for getting a picture of yourself wearing ladies undergarments on your head. The other is for stealing food from a home and eating it in front of the family. There is also, of course, the achievement for collecting 1000 war trophies, so don't forget to do that.
I hope this helps!
David S. Amazing 😂😂😂.
NorthernWindNut You gotta call HQ and have them send an interpreter but they have to make sure he brings a mask so that he won't be identified. I'm actually stuck at the level where you're tasked with picking up all the cigarette butts around the CP. 😩
I'm stuck at the level where you have to eat your breakfast because I keep dropping the plate on accident
The fact they made it look like a convincing 360 game with it's graphics, HUD and animations is so cool, a shame they don't do this anymore
It’s gameplay ripped from Modern Warfare 2, they just layered certain elements on top
@@brysonkuervers2570 I believe this cut of the game was to convince normies that there wasn't any controversy scenes like "No Russian". Just like MW 2019 where the game came back to its roots but due to explicit scenes, we get a marketing scheme that is MW2 2022.
@@FutaCatto2What?
@@brysonkuervers2570The dudes sitting around aren't from MW2 afaik
@@LordVader1094 They are. These are all scenes of different areas of the first mission in MW2.
"A 17 pound Wii remote shaped like an M249 machine gun that you must carry at all time but cannot fire without explicit orders"
*LMAO*
Is it compatible with the Wii Wheel?
I died when he said 17lbs haga
the quiet kids school project
Cannot fire without explicit orders is spot on 🤣
Remember No russian
“You have to face a college student who keeps asking you if it was anything like _Black Hawk Down.”_
Yeah I was in the Delta Force brah
@@rykehuss3435 Delta Force is for noobs. I was in Echo Force. That's one letter better than Delta force.
Sierra12 what the fuck did you just say about me you little bitch
Sierra12 I was in CHARLIE force
Black Hawk Down is a realistic depiction of what to expect if you enlist in the military
I love how the onion made this as satire, but if this was actually released it would get a cult following immediately... just look at tank mechanic simulator.
Honestly the playing a private skating duties seems like a great sequel to the bully franchise.
Look up Terragov marine corps Its EXACTLY this
"My Summer Car" is a good example. Or "Forktruck Simulator".
@@BillyBob-qu1fs one of my favs right there MSC is painful but fun
@@youruncle2 Although it's glitchy af, or used to be anyway, as a programmer and shade tree mechanic I admire the detail and effort put into that game. Autism projects are the best projects imo.
"You have to drive this supply truck from this village to some other village and when you get there they say that the order was messed up so you have to drive back."
This is absolutely true lmao 😂😂
Squad gameplay
@@abcdef-mz7gfain't called military simulator for nothing is it
When you get shot you spend 6 months in a clinic while listening to a soldier with PTSD crying and screaming in the other room.
Drake P. Nice
Drake P. Nice
Drake P. Nice
Drake P. Nice
Drake P. Nice
"Not if Shakira was sitting right there" now that is one of the most truthful and accurate things about the mid 2000's
I like your post, but I love that username.
For Krieg!
Its also an accurate representation of the army. We are always arguing over which celebrity we would rather fuck.
Hips don't lie, especially not hers
StormJet
Wutz a “kreeg”
this came out when i was like 11 and i couldn't understand this was satire so i told my friends at school about this and then was really confused when the actually modern warfare 3 came out because it was nothing like this
Priceless!
That just shows you how easy it is to make fake news. It doesn't even have to be very realistic. People will believe it if it looks kinda legit.
[OCB] yeah fuckin sheaple god damnit its like they refuse to learn about the cloud people, their putting fetus parts in our food people!
Frisp eh when I was like 10 I saw something about Justin Bieber really being a 52 year old man and thought it was real lol
@@dumbestsphinx1355 me too man
I saw this video when it first came out, then I joined the Army..... I found out how true this video really is. I mean down to the avoiding mess hall details.... like wow so realistic 10/10 would not join the Army again.
I’ve been thinking about it, is it really that bad? 😂
@Bryson Kuervers Honestly, it just depends on the kind of person you are. Some people Excell some people don't. It is worth a shot though, I learned a lot from the Army. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm drunk AF haha
My uncle always described the military as, “the best worst option anyone has”, as in, he is thankful for what the military taught him and he made some very close friends. However, he would rather, “suck a fat, salty dick”, than re-enlist.
The stories of incompetence and abuse from higher ups made me reconsider joining.
@@brysonkuervers2570 I was in active Combat so to behonest what he talking about is actually the best part of it it just get boring and tedious still better then watching you friends and colleagues get gunned down
I personally like the mission where you order screws because you need 2 of them but they only supply screws in packs of 1,000. I especially enjoy the part where we throw the other 998 screws into a dumpster.
And then best of all, you find out you actually needed 1 extra screw from the pile and so have to drive 20 miles back and then dumpster dive around the city to find them again.
I’ve done some shit like this. My last deployment I was RPPO and my boss wanted to buy a tv for his office. We ordered it, it came in and he decided he didn’t want something that big in his office so it sat in our storage space for months until I was ordered to throw it away. If I wasn’t in Africa I would have taken it home or mailed it.
@@nethandelwampa116 thats fucked up bro ;
@@nethandelwampa116 Sounds like an Officer
I just got a copy from Gamestop, my favorite mission was the one where you go on patrol and have to sit in the Humvee for several hours while nothing goes on. Then when you return to base you have to do paperwork about how nothing happened. Later that night you have to decide if you are going to urinate in the toilet or out in the desert to prove you can piss into the wind and not get wet.
My dad Is in the Navy and I showed him this and he laughed his ass off. He said this shit is so true to life
Respect to your dad :)
@@cmdell4693 thank you
It's a little too accurate. The onion knows.
@@hambone0000 the onion knows all. You cannot escape the onion and it’s layers
It really is. Army says hi.
“A 17 pound wii remote designed to look like a M249-“
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY
ZSU-23-4 Kirov But you have to carry it around all the time and you can’t fire it unless explicitly ordered to.
@@classifiedad1 That sums up all 4 years..
@@classifiedad1 That's even better, why go outside to join the miltary when you can join the military in the comfort of your own home. I'm just waiting for the enemy fire peripheral where it shoots real bullets at you when your character is under fire, that way you can also experience realistic PTSD.
@@dhgmrz17 That comes with the VR remaster.
Hey I'm a pro at that controller !
I remember playing this when I was still a dumb teenager and a lot of things went over my head. During the ending mission where you return home from your deployment and you greet your wife and son, I didn't understand why my son was black even though I chose the white character. Now that I'm an adult I can really appreciate the effort they put into realism.
@@cat-le1hf Yeah, that was a bitch of a QTE sequence. I kept pressing "belt" instead of "backhand." Took me like eight tries to get it right. Fun little UCMJ side quest after completing it tho.
Brutal
It's because your wife is black, noob.
@@cat-le1hf Ever played the more than 50% of crimes and food stamps DLC?
@@deloreandmc88 Nah but I played the over 50% of mass shootings DLC, that shit was crazy
They've just released a naval edition of the game. Missions include peeling potatoes, lubricating machinery and repainting bulkheads. For the final boss battle you must face a disciplinary board on sexual-harassment charges following an unfortunate teabagging incident.
lmao! goddamn that was good
youtert news of a DLC where you get deployed and clean up after marines during your whole 12 month deployment.
Can't wait for the submarine dlc, I hear there's a level where you get caught drinking at sub school and have to stand at attention for your whole work day for a week while a warrant officer occasionally walks over and yells unintelligibly at you
hey guys, how do I skip the SHARP custcene? it happens way too often, so i remember it fully yet I can't seem to be able to go past it.
@@buckplug2423 I have the same problem with suicide prevention. I want my money back.
Didn't realise it was a joke till they said Congress was trying to save money.
Most underrated comment of the month. Well done sir.
I only realised this was a joke after 2 years Lmao
Hold at 666
But Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 came out in 2011 and it's nothing like that.
Oh now I get it
The "WW1 U.S. Soldier" game that came out last week is super realistic. For the first couple of years you sit around in a cabin on the border of Mexico and ride around on ships, then you get sent to France and cry yourself to sleep after hearing your friends slowly die from trench-foot. 9/10 not enough shell shock.
Führer des Benutzers That’s just the price you have to pay for immersive gameplay.
@@arandomzoomer4837 I got shot in the leg while playing it, and the hospital ended up being very low-quality, and they ended up amputating half of my leg, now I'm suffering from -7 speed debuffs.
Shady Sam
Damn that sucks.
I really liked the part where you have to try to fall asleep. It's super challenging due to the dysentery/starvation-induced hunger cramps, the corpse stench, and the rats nibbling at your face when you start to doze off. I almost had it, but then a shell landed in my trench and I had to start over. Way better than Dark Souls.
"7/10 Too much mud" -IGN
When I was in the Army from 2005-2010 I did get people asking how many people I killed. I was also in Sadr City Iraq. That mortar attack was scary. Truly terrifying. I was on the toilet at the moment. But not for long.
I was an infantryman after all with an M249 and of course folks wanted to know .
I told those asking me how many I killed in combat. They didn't seem to even care that much. They just wanted a number. No mention as to details, why, any consequences from doing so, where this was, or what happened exactly or how other people saw me.
None. They just wanted a number. Which I found to be odd.
Because my answer had many other factors attached to it. In fact, its as if the number I gave was on an invisible list in their mind and I was being compared to movie stars. Very odd.
If you are going to ask me a dark question like " How many people did you kill?" You need to hear the whole story and it's context. Not just the number. You need to know the context and all its variables.
Which takes time to tell all that.
This way you can understand some things. Then asking me how many I killed may not be a question many will ask . Because it is descriptive.
My dad was a paratrooper and was in the invasion of Panama and in Iraq. Kids are curious so one time I asked how many people he killed and he just said he doesn’t know. He said he just shot at people who were shooting at him.
@Michael Lochlann bruh how does he not notice what kind of fucked up question that is
Whats your story in Iraq ? How it went leading up to firefight and few deads
Yeah, some people are stupid and think that real military service is like videogames. In the military you don't know how many people you've killed, unless it you're in CQB then there's no way to confirm how many you've taken out. Many engagements are hundreds of meters away and you're really just lobbing bullets at each other.
Just answer the question and say the fucking number you loser.
This is just an Arma 3 roleplay server
Nah arma 3 is not that realistic but its one of the games wich is closest to be a walking Simulation
^
Can kinda agree, but Arma 3's kinda mainstream now in the FPS community imo. Arma 2 OA was the OG. I remember spending an entire gaming session with friends driving around Takistan, not firing a single shot.
Julius 85 /r/woooosh people like you don't belong in the internet boomer
@@SimakSantana bruh i got the joke idiot now get out of here reddit wannabe you are annoying people with your dead memes
@@SimakSantana don't you have band class to attend?
Honestly despite the Onion being satire, with the amount of effort they put into small details that otherwise most people don't notice is amazing to me considering that the mass media does a terrible job of putting in extra work to the full story. CNN and Fox News would have called the M249 an AK-15 weighing 25 pounds or something.
CNN yes, Fox News maybe...
These people actually take pride in what they do. MSM just vomits last year's Hamburger Helper & calls it news...
You had to make it political?
What's political about shitting on the MSM?
To be fair, they have a lot more time to make these, you can't wait a week to polish a prerecorded segment when you're reporting on tonight's news
I really wish they did make 17 pound controllers shaped like guns. Talk about getting fit while you play
Its weighs over 20lbs loaded though
Nintendo did that... But it's for mw1
Excuse Me No they didnt lol The fact that you got 8 thumbs up scares me
@@LushForests No, it doesn't. The M249 is 17 pounds loaded.
The 240B has a loaded weight in excess of 20 pounds.
Smitty Werben Jaeger man Jensen you guys know abosolutly nothing about guns
Modern Warfare:
99% Boredom
1% Sheer Terror
Now that's a video game experience.
Arma.
100% terror if you’re in Ukraine
@@tylerwilliams33 I'm still stuck where the game plops you into a minefield and you get lost
You forgot the 0% understanding from fellow citizens and the 100% indifference from the VA
I know I shouldn’t laugh when it says “you died game over” but to me that was the most realistic part. Games today are such BS where you get hit dozens of times and don’t die. All injuries repaired by a magic drink. I often wondered why veterans didn’t get more turned off by this.
"You mean if Jessica Biel were standing right there, you wouldn't go for her?"
"Not if Shakira was right there".
I wonder what year the game was supposed to take place in, both of those women were old news by 2011.
@@Clay3613 still... It's really funny.
@@Clay3613 Shakira is beautiful to this day
@@Clay3613 well, mw2 took place in 2016, and mw3 was in 2016- january 2017, so i would assume it would be the same timeline
nah that dude is gay, Jessica Biel all day.
I really love the part where your commander accidentaly mistakes a school bus for a military vehicle, so you now get to play a bonus mission situated in the Hague.
Haha, that's so funny.
US troops can't be tried in the Hague, because the US doesn't aknowledge the supremacy of international law on their soldiers.
Soooo funnyyy..... Hahaha.
@@rockCity777 It's not a warcrime if we have nukes.
A lot of nukes.
@@litfurher4206 how is it a good thing that us soldiers are unaccountable?
@@tristanbeal261 Its ( I hope ) a joke
Lmfao haha
This game would actually sell really well these days, assuming the humvee repair was sufficiently detailed
My Summer Car: Deployment Edition
Never underestimate the capacity of a gamer to not have a life.
@@BillyBob-qu1fs Lmfaoooo 😂
@Robert Hook We know you would
Death Stranding
I love the feature where you can select to see a doctor if you’re injured but you need to wait several months for authorization, spend a few days in a hospital, and then be told your injuries weren’t service related. 10/10 would step on a land mind for Uncle Sam again!
The army takes such poor care of soldiers... and what’s worse, they make big promises and give you a false sense of security that they will take care of you (making you less hesitant to risk your health/welfare etc. because you think it’s gonna be covered by the army). And they end up abandoning you in your time of need.
@@TofuTeo then they wonder why recruitment rates have taken such a drastic downturn
Features include:
* Random conversation with a DoD contractor where you realize they make 100k for "security" .
* Random mission to guard what appears to be flowers but you realize it's Opium.
gotta keep that States' sanctioned drug trade alive and well.
Gotta have a reason why doctors in the States can prescribe oxy for minor pain and get they're patients hooked on it.
*be pat tillman and suffer a friendly fire incident
As a recovering opioid addict, please forgive me if this is a ridiculous question, but have you ever heard of incidents where soldiers would milk the poppies/dry the pods and make tea/smoke the raw opium resin/try to get high on the fields they're guarding?
Personally I'm an undisciplined lazy asshole and don't have training pounded into my skull, so I feel like I'd have a _REALLY_ hard time working next to what could be the potential to your own safe/limitless supply of personal dope (assuming you never got caught or those that _did_ know didn't report you)?
I'd definitely be thinking about it...
@@dr.schlopp4089 this doesn’t seem like a good thing to be thinking about as a recovering addict….
War's even more miserable than I thought.
Eric Stevenson Only for POGs
War...war never changes
Diego suarez *PC MASTER RACE* music in the BACKGROUND
Pandemic.
"12 teens busted in adult pornography ring" lmaoooo
Onion was the shit back then man
@@ioiaxopanel3652 or they see future
@@ultimonx9152 I do not mean to crassly rain on your 2D parade, but it is possible that your preferred porn was made in a sweatshop.
Onion is the modern version of that 1990's show that has its reporter go to the future. Sadly, the host died in 2004 and the show was cancelled luckily a RUclipsr named Ryan George has documented this show on his channel. @@memesfromdeepspace1075
@@reddytoplay9188 thank for the info
Love how there are actually simulation games exclusively for these kinds of things now. Cleaning sims, car mechanic sims, terraforming sims, etc.
It always existed at the time, now it's just more popular in the English market. Before it was mostly Germany.
6/10, wasn’t immersive enough, they forgot 24 hour staff duty, 3 hours of SHARP PowerPoints, Libo speeches, waiting for hours in line to turn in your weapon only to be told by the armorers that you missed one flake of carbon in your M4’s star chamber. Also, there was no mention to the borderline addiction of alcohol, energy drinks and tobacco products, slow advancements and many more reasons.
You had it guys, you almost had it.
@TRID3NT W4RR1OR this describes my time in the infantry to a T!
This is exactly what its like lol
Lol good shit!
Stop loss, fence in, roomate masturbating when your in the room, DFAS paying you $100 more one month and taking back $500 to fix their mistake, talking about creative ways to murder Jody, police calls, ankle pads, bullshit work, CS to test your mask lol (couldnt of used smoke?), dog and pony shows, black mold in the barracks, waiting forever for nothing to happen, "check the box" classes, talking about creative ways to murder the armorer if he doesnt take our shit, oh fuck where is my weapons card?, antibuse, they never fuck up your SSN until its time to pick up important documents like your DD214...A.A./N.A. 4 Lima
Tis life in a cav unit
If only more people cared about good game design, jeez!
"The majority of gameplay spent hauling equipment and filling out paperwork"
So Death Stranding.
Yeah basically just a waste of money if u buy the game, just watch the cutscenes on youtube
Ah yes, kojima forgot that some people need constant death and explosions to be interested in a game.
@@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 no, he just forgot the game can't be masturbatory self-indulgence to be good. Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing have no conflict at all yet they are incredibly beloved.
@@AirahsELL I'd say it's matter of what the person likes. I enjoyed the long travels and silences because it was a breath of fresh air ( as compared to a lot of games where you shoot, go somewhere else, shoot something or someone else, take another set of orders and repeat the whole process). Sorry if this is a bit contradictory to my previous comment (it was meant to be a joke, the original one).
@@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 You dont play videogames for a breath of fresh air, you go outside for that
Tutorial takes over 18 years
Game availability subject to wartime status
handofstand don't you worry about that
@@Leo1239150 lol
Most of it is spent on finding humvee keys and knocking on ambrams armour
I chose the "Abused, Underprivileged Inner-City Ghetto-born" background, the recruiter got me with that line about rappers being ex-marines. Should have seen it coming.
Considering how popular simulator games are, this could've been a big hit
It is a big hit, its called arma 3.
@Ben-lv6tj Arma 3 is boring. You can always play Squad which is a much better game.
@@FutaCatto2 Better in the aspect that it matches the video
"Drive a supply truck for hours"
As I'm currently Sitting in Humvee in desert outside of El paso... I can vouch for the games realism.
Only 5 more hours of watching sand to go
Watching sand DLC is unfortunately unavailable in my (Czech) localization of the game unless you somehow manage to get deployed through the international matchmaking servers. All I ever got was the watching trees in rain default gameplay. Fortunately I'm going to finish the game on monday after 3 years of gameplay and go study physics.
Best of luck to you on your sand watching quest. And make sure to glass any sand that should conduct itself in an unseemly manner.
I'm out here too, bro
God bless 1AD.......i hate it here
WAIT ... do you see that ... i swear that sand moved...
@@johnfish3672 Don’t Tread On Me. 1775.
"single player campaign will clock in at record 17,250 hours"
Speed runners: 3 minutes, take it or leave it
the speedrunners take the loose screw in your bunk in the first mission and backhop against it for precisely 17 frames, then do a 180 crouch jump and build up speed in the other direction for 17 frames. the horizontal speed is cancelled but the vertical speed exponentially increases, until you go past mach 1, causing the game to assume you are in the jet mission. because that mission ends at your bunk, you instantly complete it and trigger the attack on the base in your sleep. after the attack is triggered, clipping in the right spot will coc you to the terrorist base instead of your own, skipping that mission. after that, you are sent home and awarded a medal of honor, which, as we all know, has the shortest epilogue in which you can't live with yourself and commit suicide. the current record sits at 2 minutes, 47 seconds for any%
its 20 actually
No fair! That speed run was with the "Bone Spurs" skip!
the secret is to go AWOL
Speedrunner, MW3.
Speedrunner, i just found the Red Pill. now i can Shoot people outside of the Video game.
Proceeds to walk to his own house, takes the Controller, and plays the game with his own character as he Continues to break the 4th wall after 4th wall. Having his own private Army Stationed at his own house
As former military, this is surprisingly close to actual service.
Was it like Black Hawk Down
How many people did you kill?
How hot was it?
Was ist like American Sniper?
Shakira or Jessica Biel?
Wow after so many years I’ve finally found it. This video jebaited be 9 years ago when I was a kid. I remember being hyped for the realistic cod game and the only thing I remembered was when the one lady was talking about how she got killed when staring out in the open and had to start over.
I remembered that but it got distorted in my mind over time ( I remembered her as being very excited and impressed about it for some reason). The rest of this video never stuck in my mind, so weird. For years every now and then that memory would pop in my head about the realistic cod game scene where the lady died in the open but I never recalled it happening when I played all of the COD MW games. It bothered me for years and now I know I was trolled by the onion when I was child. It feels unreal, that now I know that memory I had wasn’t just a dream and it really happened, I can’t believe it.
To be fair if you play multiplayer and just stare at nothing you're definitely gonna get shot.
I feel you.
Ily
why is this so weirdly wholesome lol
You probably remember her excited because you had an optimistic/excited/positive outlook on the game.
Our brains a re weird.
Awesome, finally a realistic combat game. Im going to Walmarrr.... Im mean Target right now to get this.
ArmyGrunt1986 I don't shop at Wal-Mart either I was just having to take a detour since they shut down the road
Do they sell video games at Walmart? I mean, I wouldn't know since I don't go there.
ArmyGrunt1986 good idea I don’t shop at Walmart ever since I.. wait I never went there I have always gone somewhere else it’s just i pass Walmart a lot
What's a Wal-Mart? It sounds real, but I've certainly never heard of it.
ArmyGrunt1986 uhm oh Walmart isn’t that a Mexican market or somethin’? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been to Walmart..
This could legit be a popular game for purely killing time, only thing is the game would need one hell of a dialogue queue
Developer:" ok boys we go to Afganistan US military base to take sample for next our game "
Employee:" who?"
Developer :" all of US"
Honestly, BFBC captured this in their dialogues and a lot of people loved it. People also play Arma so I see no reason why this couldn't be a big hit.
Just make a military themed chat room in vr
@@mautun3830 You know, that would actually be kinda fun. Throw in the occasional combat mission or whatever, and you have a solid idea.
it's called GMOD military RP it actually exists.
“You have to face down a college student, who keeps asking you if it was like Black Hawk Down.”
That had me crying on the floor🤣
Make sure to tell him it was or you won’t be redeployed. But he has to invite you to a pub crawl first and then you have casual unsatisfying sex with a girl who thought it would be exciting to bang a real war hero.
How about an Air Force version? You get sent as an aircraft mechanic to a base supporting C-130s. You sit around in an air condition room watching movies. Occasionally there will be something to fix, then it back to the movies. When your shift is over you go back to tent city and drink your 3 rations of beer, then go into the rec tent and play Grand Theft Auto.
@HaloLoreNerd dude, that's actually a legit idea! My Old Man was an Air Force mechanic, and I'm a former Army Engineer. I've always dreamed of a game where I could fly AND fix them! Maybe make some custom modifications...
Is this from personal experience because if it is I’m willing to sign up shieetttt, and they get me a dodge hellcat too boi bet lolol
Play video games inside a video game seems intense
Hear a loud noise, claim it was a mortar round, claim ptsd, and get benefits for the rest of your life and a bronze star.
DangerousThoughts damn lmfaooo 😂🤣
Just got click baited from 8 years ago
TheRedfox909 right?
@Ty Thomas Boxing Training i do but i thought it was the new one and had a fun time when i saw it was old the joke its the title
how the fuck is this a clickbait?
Dude, it isn't clickbait, it's a joke. But don't listen to these salty Mojave haters.
@@ncrsoldier4603 and i thought it was scrapped 😅
Are they expecting us to believe that congress cares about saving money??
No there not because The Onion is all BS they do this on purpose
Saving money for whom?
Most ridiculous thing they have ever said
@Altiods all the people that replied to your comment bit right into the onion
Dang guys you really bit the onion huh
There’s no way this wasn’t written by actual service members, this is peak
Holy crap, that is realistic. Maybe the patch will include pulling security for hours while you wait for EOD to show up and disarm a bomb that almost killed you. I wonder who their military advisor is.
Bonus mission: Find the blue falcon that ransacked through all the MREs
@@timmysantana3263 this is fake right
I am an Iraq War Veteran (and an active-duty soldier)... I was actually in Iraq when this video was published. This is extremely accurate. I'm sure a veteran wrote this.
Jon Coda and a commie smh
476 Anno Domini Yeap, I’m a veteran, and a commie. If you believe in, from each according to his abilities and to each according to their needs, the US military is about the closet you can get to that.
@@joncoda365 good point
Wanax well damn then I’ve been doing it all wrong. I suppose you’re talking about the officers? Lol.
Wanax I’m talking about pay and benefits. If I’m sick, I get treatment, no charge. If o get married, and have kids, I get a house or a housing allowance. Want to go to school, they pay for it.
If you have be exploited, at least get some benefits.
All that being said... if I can figure out a way to get out without significantly impacting the lifestyle of my family, this will definitely be my last contract.
Totally sending this to my veteran buddies. Especially Chris who spent his entire deployment "in the rear with the gear" schlepping crates and vehicles across the same body of water.
Hell even us combat vets spent 80-95% of our time like this.
And HE WAS A VOLUNTEER
I remember doing a "mission" in Iraq where we were ready to roll out and had to wait for 12 hours in the rain next to our vehicles near the gate waiting for medevac to turn green. It didn't and we headed back to our tents
Sounds like someone didn't complete one of their objectives, thus halting your own campaign. Tis the perils of co-op
Recently, in Kuwait, went to the army range to fire. We waited 3 hours to fire because medvac wouldn't go green for visibility, despite us bringing our own ambulance and being right down the road from Buehring.
When Onion News know more about videogames than CNN.
When Onion News knows more about the military than most civies!
@DeltaGem preach pastor
I mean that ain't hard
I like the the mission where eight soldiers are crammed so tight in the back of a sweltering hot Bradley fighting vehicle that you lose all feeling in your legs and get an agonizing back ache.
Chancery Melton My first death in this game came when I forgot to bring water during that mission and died of heat stroke because I felt awkward about asking his friends.
Noremac Cameron Yep Bradley was a shit vehicle cause they wanted it to be able to do several things along with it’s initial role of carrying infantry that it eventually become something and the infantry role was gradually lost. All you had was a sweltering fucking compartment.
Oh fuck the good ol days. Dying from being stuck in between mre boxes, piss bottles and stacks of porn magazines in the hell hole.
The onion has a better idea of how the military works than most government officials
That's cap.
@@Donjuanantoine Not really.
It should have quick time events where you call your wife and need to convince her not to cheat
that's hilarious🤣
The new Star Trek game: Star Trek: Ordinary Crewman, is 100,000 hours of solid gameplay as an ordinary crew member on the Enterprise. 99% is spent on mundane tasks such as cataloguing gaseous anomalies, but randomly you are thrown from side to side violently, and nobody bothers to tell you what the fuck is going on.
At the end of the game, Captain Picard decides to ram another ship with the Enterprise, and since your cabin is at the front of the saucer, you die in your sleep.
Hardest Difficulty level is Red Shirt with a 100% guarantee of death
Damn.
I can't believe Picard would just sacrifice everyone's favorite bar like that.
As a man in the military, I can confirm that while MW3 is more realistic than its predecessor, it failed to show the constant safety briefs, punishment for others actions, false motivational morale, and casual homosexuality. It did have more forms that you can keep track of, useless equipment that you have to haul around, and a fully untrained organization of 18-20 year olds in charge of all your money.
Claystead I’m still waiting for the DLC where your working nights and you go for a shower in the middle of the night to find some guy taking a shit in the shower.
Welshie Ranger I bought the Air Force version. You are given a full nights rest except for a couple times a week where you watch the door for a couple hours.
Man the military fucking sucks.. yet it was the best time of my life. How retarded are we?
>casual homosexuality
wait what
Excuse me, did you just say "casual homosexuality"?
I didn't know this was a joke until the end where they talk about Congress wanting to save money
tbf congress would cut your electricity if that means saving money for military development.
Family fights to keep deceased woman on respirator
I don't live in the US. I have done my mandatory army service in my country, and I'm amazed at how accurate this is.
It's true for every peacetime military.
Military Service Members and Veterans were clearly involved in writing this
I just realized they actually asset flipped the first level of Modern Warfare 2 to create those animations.
nah, i think they just recorded MW2 and did some basic stuff in post.
@@limetwistanimations8628 nope, these characters and animations aren't in that level. I checked.
I am still waiting for the realistic shooter game where getting shot once means you have to spend a week in hospital, months in physical therapy and it still leaves your physical abilities permanently impaired.
The closest I've played were some games where if you get shot, your character falls over dramatically and takes a century to get back up.
@BoomerLemon Press F to stave off suicidal urges.
@@Crowley9 ffffff
it's not working
Best I can give you is Insurgency. Take it or leave it
Still better than MW3 2023
My favorite levels are the ones where you marry a stripper just before deploying and then a couple levels later without warning she cleans your bank account of all the hazard pay you saved up. Impressive continuity
The best part is when your character is bitter and calls all women whores as a result of his stripper wife mishap.
That shit happened to my first supply Sergeant. Married a stripper we had met the month before NTC and was divorced and in debt by the time we got back from Iraq about a year later. Dudes will do some strange shit when they fear for their mortality, I guess. Soldiers, stay way from car dealerships and strippers, please.
@@alangriffin8146 I think every vet, who's not the victim, has a story of the guy who married some chick of questionable character/reputation not long after meeting her and got cleaned out by her while he was deployed. Man, I'll tell ya, the young and the dumb.
@@apexone5502 unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be a lesson that can be taught. I’m glad I joined as an older guy. The types that join the military are especially prone to rash action, it seems. Hence, them joining the military. I’m no different, but was a bit wiser than the young bucks. A frat house with guns, man.
@@alangriffin8146 well, you and I are neck and neck. I had joined at an older age as well (late 20s). The few of us who were a little more seasoned were able to avoid a lot of the nonsense the younger soldiers would get themselves into. I can't imagine what I would've gotten into had a joined at 18 (like I almost did) away from the parental thumb.
7 years ago I wrote a report on this video for a college literature class about realistic staire in media and how satire is sometimes closure to the truth than people's perceptions of reality and got an A on it... true story lol
Crazy it's been so long so fast
then the whole class stood up and clapped!
I dunno what about this story was so unrealistic for you
Cool
@@GladiusTR no no, you don't understand.
Success never happens.
2011 be like : "ULTRA REALISTIC!! GRAPHICS!!!"
2019 be like : "Good graphics"
Pretty sure this originally came out on ONN's own channel well before 2011.
I love retro games
Pfffff Good graphics are overrated. Some of the best and classic games don't need realism.
Can anyone help me on the mission where you get into actual combat after like 6 months? I keep getting killed by this one IED.
After you beat the game you unlock Re-drafted mode, where you start the game over again with all your items, but as a 40+ year old man. You have a slower move speed, worse eyesight, and if your Gout meter fills up all the way you get sent home
I’m dead 😂💀
Gout 🤣🤣🤣🤣
New speedrunner strat, steal burgers and booze from the Officer's diner to max out your gout levels. Instant discharge, game won.
@@Riley_Mundt but that requires you to have already beaten the game so it's not allowed in any%
Metal gear solid 4
Honestly, the Onion's take on MW3 should have been the real game.
It is, its called Arma 3
Heard of Squad?
@@humanbeing9079 It's nothing like squad.
It actually sounds fun
Really.........?
Actually some of these shoot-the-shit convos could be fun to play through. Almost like a visual novel experience. Some of the most inventive scenarios come out of boredom.
Until you're forced to choose between things like "would you rather eat shit, or drink shit", and are attacked on a personal level for choosing a different answer.
@@thehistoryguy4018 It would be character building.
@@squidlytv I cam tell you from experience, it doesnt build character, it causes fights because of how seriously we take it
@@thehistoryguy4018 Jokes.
12GB of audio with possible combinations of what you could shoot-the-shit about! Endless entertainment!
Get your free copy at your local recruiter's office!
_part of an advertisement on TV at the time_
Holy fuck non vets have no idea how terrifyingly realistic this is. I'm having a PTSD episode watching this lmao.
Sending you so much love and light. PTSD is rough but it can be overcome. Keep that light in you burning, even if it’s just a feeble flame some days. ❤
So I need help here. I'm playing this game right now. I'm in the middle of the ten hour wielding mission, and I'm supposed to be gossiping about celebrities, but I keep ending up revealing private information about my family. What buttons am I supposed to push to start talking about my jealous rage for Matt Damon? =)
When I was 11 or 12 when this game out and I actually thought it was real. Jesus Christ.
Same here.
Joey Salads just made u realize how easily media can brainwash its people
Earl Kent Sucalit Or it shows how a twelve year old can fall for satire
@@zasmrcaveman5725 No, don't.
Z ASMR Caveman lol military is for sheep who have a desire to fight for corporate agendas and nothing that has to do with our people's actual freedom
Can't wait for the DLC that features the realistic themes of PTSD, Finding your wife/GF in bed with another man, Divorce, Losing your house & other shit, being homeless, suicide & the post credits; "We didn't notice any of the signs. He seemed perfectly fine, we don't know what happend to him."
Can't forget about the main mission of the dlc: dealing with lack of government support after you become severely disabled but it's ok because someone in Walmart thanked you for your service
Once found a guy laying on the side of I-75 in the rain we thought was dead. Turned out he was incredibly drunk because he just got back and found out his wife had cheated and cleaned him out. Said he had nothing left and to just leave him alone and let him die. My friend had already called the police and ambulance before he woke up and when he found out he stumbled into a nearby swamp to hide from them. I couldn't convince my friends to not tell them where he went so the poor guy probably got charges on top of his already f-ed life.
@@BillyBob-qu1fs Jesus, I know I kinda joked about these issues in my original comment. But stories like this just show how much it can fuck a guy up.
@@BrotherHood-xh9sg Well the best satire is based in truth so yeah. It does suck that the world is this way though.
@@BillyBob-qu1fsI’m a woman and I’m pissed at that wife. What a disgusting lack of character/morals/empathy, making an already-difficult situation (of readjusting to civilian life and dealing with trauma) 10000x worse. Disgusting.
They pretty much nailed it, especially moving around equipment and filling out paperwork. Hate it when they put me on task to clean cigarette butts. I'm like I don't even smoke make the smokers clean it.
Yo, I am actually on the special feature; deployment Germany, where we sit around and repair strykers for my whole contract.
This video game is the story of my life.
Why do people in Germany keep breaking them?
@@NJ-wb1cz It's not German engineering
@@NJ-wb1cz because then they won't have anything to do
@@bobchipman4473 So it's basically USSR 2.0 - doing pointless work for the big government cash..
Got it.
Have you visited the local whores? Lotta tramps hanging around outside the base!
Oh man I'd almost forgotten about this video. This brings back some great memories I have of the game. One playthrough, I made it all the way through my deployment, came home, and ETS'd only to run into some weird bug where my VA paperwork never went through so I went to a bar to lower my stress meter and ended up committing manslaughter in a bar fight and got a game over.
I remember being 10 years old and thinking this was real
The_Weasel_2012 Same here
Lol
LOL me too 🤣
You were a dumb 10 year old then
@@squidward1728 no that's just how 10 year Olds are. You wouldve been fooled too if you were the same age
This is one the funniest videos I have ever seen 😂. And as a 2x Iraq War vet, 100% accurate. Such good writing 👏👏
How hot was it? How many people have you killed? Do you see the movie Black Hawk Down? Did you ever do a Black Hawk Down? Were you ever like the guy in Black Hawk Down? You know the movie Black Hawk Down? I like that movie.
@@wako1576 yes I have the same questions. I hope he answers
How many confirmed kills did you daydream about while you were avoiding cleaning the mess hall?
That’s not realistic enough.
It’s realistic if you can’t find the LT
Hahaha
LT means loosetits
Wheres LT? I've been needing him to sign this dispatch for 3 hours and we roll out in 15 minutes????
Cant score high enough on the asvab in the prologue 1/10
😂😂
Because you was playing the drawdown storyline, you need to play the surge storyline. In the surge storyline you can get a waiver for everything, (including previous convictions, tattoos and drug abuse) and failing the asvab guarantee you an 11b position.
@@TheQrow88 They can lower the standards in order to meet their numbers. Was done during the Iraq when the sectarian violence was in the highest, from 2005 to 2008. www.google.com/amp/s/slate.com/news-and-politics/2008/01/the-u-s-army-lowers-recruitment-standards-again.amp
The irony? You actually do this in Arma 3 if you're into those "hardcore" milsim clans
Yepp...
POV: you are playing Squad
This is why I hate games, they appeal to the male fantasy
Lol
Then play SIMS
That's the whole point,
Like, you only do things that fulfill what you’d want to imagine......
nigga stfu
What you're looking for is "ARMA 3"
or Squad
Only thing that was inaccurate of this whole thing is congress trying to save money.
Congress trying to funnel tax money to their buddies.
@@carlost856 *themselves
They provide services, they get the money
Oh they love to save money, whenever it concerns the average citizen.
Medicare4all? Nah to expensive. Infrastructure? Sorry can't afford.
Public schools? Better try the private ones
COVID relief? We wish we had the money
But:
Military contractors? Take what you need
Broke mega corporation? We got your back
Big tech? Take our subsidy
Criminal banks? We bail you out
@@cauchyschwarz3295 I would say military spending is absurd but a massive chunk I belive 33 or 45% is wages for soldiers and such.
@@themeddite I believe 24% or so is spent on military personnel. Thats wages and retirement benefits. Most of the budget goes to maintenance wich is about 42%. This covers alot, including Healthcare for personal, as well as maintenence and training.
Games like this exist and I love them. Example: CM-SS13. Game of Colonial Marines vs Xenos. Marines have a military structure, hierarchy and economy. Some marines are literally just ordering and sending supplies, hauling equipment. Some are engineers just repairing stuff. Some are just pilots. Some are just doctors giving surgery to coma patients. There are also commanding officers, military police, even a combat reporter. All real players on a server, by the way.
Based ss13 enjoyer.
Also, the defending of phoron wells really feel like you’re garrisoned there. Fucking around with destroyed buildings, asking people their thoughts on OBs, that deal.
@@bradley4465 pleasure to see you here, Marine. Indeed, it is quite the milsim experience sometimes. One time I saw a guy using all the correct protocols on the mortar launcher. Me, having been a mortarman irl before, I ask him in LOOC where he served and he just tells me he read a mortar manual he found online. Fucking love this community.
And to think the most fun I had in this game was during a 70 minute firefight where I didn't even kill anyone.
What a ripoff.
My character just sat there crying and saying "oh fuck please help me I don't wanna die" wtf
Git gud
@@redsunrises8571 omg lol
You should replay that mission and score at least a couple of kills - that's how you unlock the PTSD campaign.
@@Frankey2310 That was a rip off, when my guy has a meltdown it is literally just a reskin of Mason losing his shit in the hallway at the end of Black Ops 1.