A difficulty I have is when I meet people that share one of my main interests they are usually nothing like me. It usually feels like we have this one thing in common, and nothing else.
@@sildurmank I've reported the message to RUclips as Spam multiple times. I'm not sure what Telegram is actually used for other than scamming people. The only time I've ever heard it mentioned is spam comments on RUclips (and I see a lot of those).
It was only when I started volunteering with a suicide helpline that I understood what I was missing. That deep conversation about meaning, life and death. It nourished me with deeper connection in ways I rarely get to duplicate in wider social circles. I can do smalltalk if I'm in the mood but it's an effort, whereas talking properly with someone energises me and feeds my soul. As I get older, I have less and less tolerance for friendships that cost me energy, I'd rather be on my own. So I'm more selective about who I spend my time with and focus on.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head for me in two ways: 1. It also energizes me to have deep conversations about things we all have in common but don’t quite explore or express as much, like our beliefs about death or our perception or relationship with life, etc. 2. I also find myself losing tolerance for people who drain my energy with their constant pessimism or toxic ways of communicating. On one hand, those are ppl who are very dear to me (family members or long time friends) so I don’t want to cut them off. On the other hand, I need to be there for me too and not allow this relationships to drain me. So it’s a catch 22 for me, a balancing act I’m still learning: to be there for my loved ones, accepting them as they are, while still being there for ME, accepting my own limitations and respecting my boundaries. Anyhow, I’m relieved to read what I’ve been feeling from someone else. Makes me feel less alone, so TY.
Yes! I only want deep and real talk and have zero tolerance for meaningless chit chat and gossip. I've called Lifeline several times and always feel sadder afterwards because it hurts my heart that I have to reach out to a random stranger on a phone line because I don't have a real person that I have that connection with 😢
For several years I was invited to my boss' house for Thanksgiving. The food was good and the family were all nice, but what made it particularly enjoyable is that she ran a small business, her husband was a VP for a major company, both her kids got Master's degrees, and some of the other family members or neighbors that would come to the dinners were pretty smart too. It's rare in my life to actually be in a room where the average intelligence was that high and we had some very good conversations. Contrast that to my old neighbor who would invite me to his Super Bowl parties. Also nice people, but he was a firefighter and most of his buddies were firefighters and his wife worked at a grocery grocery store. We could have good conversations about football, but that was about it. Too normal.
You always have such practical advice that aren't simply clichés I've read elsewhere. I'm not even on the spectrum (that I'm aware of), but I resonate with certain aspects of the autistic experience. Thank you.
Same for me. I am not autistic but have an anxiety disorder, so there are things about Paul's experience that overlap with mine. His videos would be useful for anyone who has trouble understanding neuroatypical people.
It's entirely possible to have traits, that aren't collectively sufficient to be diagnosed. The more of the traits you've got and the more of your friends are, the more likely it is that you are. But, having traits without the full on autism is certainly possible.
Honestly, deep conversation with 2 or 3 people in a quiet place with a beverage and/or snack, or possibly a board game- is absolutely my idea of a perfect closer-friend activity. I only know 1 or 2 people I do this with yearly (1 I have to drive 3 hours each way to see). I used to be able to do acquaintances, but can't really bridge the gap because either I am wrong or I just have so little in common. Board games used to be that bridge. I would still crash and burn eventually, but I used to get some good runs in first.
I haven't played board games since some time in my teen years. Those were not only fun but played a role in good connections I had. As I got older, started to miss them and would love to be able to play some again, even some that didn't use boards like Yahtzee.
I'm neurotypical and have social anxiety. I find your videos helpful for building strategies (and therefore confidence) to deal with people in a social setting. Many thanks for your informative content :)
I'm neurodiverse in that I was recently diagnosed as ADHD, but I haven't sought a diagnosis for autism. I don't think I am autistic but I have many autistic traits, sorry for rambling. Paul's videos on here really help me to.😊
The only group activity I've ever done that hasn't completely drained my energy is playing Dungeons and Dragons. Everything else feels soul-sucking. Don't even get me started on work events. Sometimes I take days off to avoid them. Also, I appreciate the Pokémon reference! My boss noticed I like talking about that, so every time he stops by, he'll bring up how his kids did in a local tournament. It's really lovely, actually.
I much prefer one-on-one time with a friend who likes to talk on a deeper level. I don't like large gatherings at all. I'm not autistic, but I've often felt like a misfit for being this way. Some people even think I'm rude for not wanting to join a group for lunch. Hmm, I feel much better having listened to this. Thank you for sharing these insights.
I feel this. I also prefer in-depth knowledgeable discussion with only one or two people. Can’t cope with small talk and large numbers of people. Can’t keep up with changes of topic and my ears don’t know what to listen to for the best!
I have a granddaughter that is on the Autism Spectrum, therefore I look for videos on autism. I occasionally will run across a person who knows someone that is autistic. That is what happened with the lady who did the extensive ultrasound on my legs today. She said her husband is autistic, and a brilliant engineer. She said that over the years she has learned things about autism that she has made allowances for. One of the things you mentioned that she spoke about, is time limits. She said it does not matter who they are with her family/friends or his family/friends that at a certain point, he becomes mentally uncomfortable and will lean over and whisper to her, it's time to leave and go home. She said she does not argue with that, they just get up, she says her goodbyes and they leave. She said the other thing that she has learned was that it does not occur to him to compliment people and speak niceties. She says he is a very good-hearted and quite intelligent man, that does not show much if any emotion on his face nor express the same. So those were things she learned about he husband and makes accommodations for them. So having a relationship with an autistic person might be challenging, but doable if you are willing to put in the effort to learn about the person and their personal intricacies. With my granddaughter, I had to get used to her not looking at me when she speaks to me, which I now know is quite common on the autistic spectrum. My son told me that she can be very involved in IPad and is able to continue what she is doing and hear, understand, and process what you are talking to her about. She is very observant have two kittens and she was talking about one of them and I asked her which one saying their names, her response was, "the one with the LONG TAIL". I told my son, until she had said that, I never paid any attention to that difference, but that she was correct. The male has a long slender tail and the female has a shorter bushier tail. One of her traits is echolalia, but that has gotten somewhat less pronounced, unless she feels stressed. She does not have TRUE echolalia (parroting) as what she says back in said from her 1 person view or a clarifying of the statement to the whole room.
Although I’m considered socially adept at large gatherings, I only appear that way because I’ve learned how. I prefer my small social group because I trust there’s no judgment. Thank you for continuing to share. I always relate to your posts.
The hardest part for me is the unpredictability of my energy levels making me so unreliable. People like to make plans in advance and I'll agree to meet up but when the time comes, I'm so often too exhausted just from the basic functions of living that I end up having to cancel plans and that makes me come across as a flake... and friendships just don't seem to last for me 😢
I try to avoid spending time with people that don't give me energy. It's just not a good experience for anybody involved when they're taking my energy.
I am so thankful that you are able to articulate these struggles for us who maybe struggle to communicate a bit. And are brave and vulnerable in sharing your experiences. I find all this extremely emotionally painful that we have to work so hard to just have someone be willing to have a second conversation.
I've made some very good connections and friendships within interest groups - hobbies, fan groups, or community projects. I do find that I connect better with people who are also neurodivergent, or who are very accepting and upfront people. I really don't mind that being autistic has filtered judgemental people out of my life. They've either not been able to see me for who I am or I've not allowed them in. I don't need lots of connections, just a smaller number of quality connections is good, and some friendly relationships around my community. And I do still like a lot of time alone. Socialising becomes a lot more easy and comfortable for me since some trauma healing and building up a sense of safety.
Some people in the autistic population are extraverts, and some people in the autistic population are introverts, just like how some people in the neurotypical population are extraverts, and some people in the neurotypical population are introverts. What's funny is that back when high functioning autism was called Asperger's syndrome, there was a movie about a man with high functioning autism, named Adam, and the movie was even called Adam. And Adam was modeled after a man with high functioning autism who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's syndrome, and I think that the person being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an introvert since the main character of the movie Adam was someone with high functioning autism who preferred spending most of his time alone with his special interest which was studying about outer space, and if the autistic person who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an extravert instead, then the movie Adam probably would have been different since the main character Adam would have been an autistic person who really wanted a social life but who struggled making friends rather than being someone who preferred being alone with his special interest all the time.
I love deep and meaningful but not with everyone. Most of my friends are online, we connect over shared interests and go deeper sometimes if that's our thing, and that works for me. Usually one or two other people is a good density, especially in real life. Two means I can take a break and just listen to the conversation for a bit if I'm low on energy or whatnot, and there won't be multiple conversations going at once.
I'm only halfway through this video at this moment and will watch the rest of it after saying this; I frequently find that others tend to offload their worries and problems onto me, as if I am the only one in their lives that they can trust to either dump their problems on - or seek genuine understanding and come up with a solution to help them. I prefer the latter but I will also listen to the first because it hopefully makes them feel better. The only word that means anything in what I've said above is 'Trust'; people do trust me. When they've got nowhere else to go, they turn to me. I don't know what that means in terms of being autistic but I'm sure that someone out there will have also experienced it and can explain it.
I love the part about sharing a part of yourself with somebody and the measurement of how to not under or over share. They were so many levels to this video that touched me in so many ways, and it seemed like it came at just the right time, much positive energy, and thanks.
I think it makes total sense to follow activities and there find people who do the same and try to connect, but there are two major blocks for that. One is the type of activity - and I am probably not the outlier here when I say that a lot of the activities I like are not exactly group activities. So at the moment I am doing these: beekeeping, electronics, 3-d printing, running, hiking and skiing. So I am sure that while some of those are really more alone-activities, for some of those activities there are ways to use them to get in contact with people but its not coming by itself. One would have to join a club or something to talk or do these activities in a group and usually I do not really like clubs. And this is the second thing then - when I am actually in some sort of group, it usually goes nowhere. Basically I will sit around and observe the other people talking, maybe occasionally someone will exchange a few words with me but this feels awkward after a short while and then I avoid repeating this.
58 now. "ADHD, with strong autistic traits". Pretty much zero social connections, genuine or otherwise. Not for lack of desire. The years take their toll - lost so many friends to death, emigration, indifference (theirs), addictions, madness, personality disorders, alcoholism, etc. It's heartbreaking. Wonder if it's going to be me, that wakes up one day and realises that there's no one left on earth that knows me and that amongst eight billion or so people, I'm alone. Don't want to see that day. Social confidence wrecked by circumstance and poor decisions. This is no life worth living.
I feel bad reading your story. My story is also sad. If I didn't have my pets, and the meetings of the small group with people with similar problems I surely not want to go on living this life. The biggest issue for me is that I've been bullyied for more than ten years by people in this town because I am very different. Please, don't give up!
Some people here in the comments have given up on friendship entirely, and that's really sad. My experience is that different friendships have different roles, and you don't have to be someone's best friend in order to have a valuable impact on each others lives. I'm very introverted, and most of my friends are extroverts who spend much more time talking to each other than to me. That sounds like it would be uncomfortable but it's actually really nice because we all understand each others needs and communication styles, and we can be our genuine selves around each other. They don't think I'm weird, or they appreciate my weirdness. It takes time to get to that point with a group of friends, but it's totally worth it. It's much easier to develop that when you use a shared interest or activity as a social "foundation", as the video points out.
Yes, as an extrovert with at least two autistic (I think, it's not my place to suggest it in my opinion) friends, I value them and enjoy having them in my life. I don't see them nearly as much as my other friends (their choice, and it did hurt my feelings and confuse me at first), but I consider them part of my life forever. One is my cousin, the other is my best friend's cousin and my childhood friend, and it's been strange trying to figure out how to combine "you are a permanent part of my life" and "we see each other a couple of times per year and I don't depend on you for day-to-day love and support, even though in crisis you are right there", but that's how they like to do it, and it works for me, too. We occasionally get together for a meal and a game or to sit around a bonfire. It could be weird if you think "I see person 1 at least twice a week and know everything about her, and for person 2, I'm vaguely aware that she changed jobs 8 months ago, as I remember her saying something about it last year when we last met." But if nobody thinks about it like that, it's perfectly fine! Person 2 used to feel a bit uncomfortable, and would try to make inside jokes with me referencing our childhood days when we were at school together, I think to try to make an impression on the other people that "yes, I know her even better", but because she and I have very different interpretations of what happened as kids, it didn't work very well. I'm glad that now she doesn't do that, she is more comfortable and secure in herself.
I've found my local Authentic Relating group really helpful for developing deeper connections with people - both with the others in that group and by learning social skills that I can then use with people outside the group. Also, coincidentally a large number of people in that group are neurodivergent in some way.
Making friends as an adult is hard; neurodivergent or not, disabled or not; making new friends, keeping old ones. We all have busy lives and it’s hard to find time for friends. I just broke off a connection with a friend that I only recently got to know. It was hard communicating with them, bc I put in most of the work in the relationship, and they did almost none of it; only when it benefited them. It really wasn’t a relationship at all, now that I’m thinking about it. Bc the definition of a friendship/relationship is where both parties put in the same amount of effort in the connection, which didn’t happen. I felt so drained every time I initiated a conversation (which was all of the time btw.) so I just ended it imminently. Yes, it might have been too abrupt, but we were both going thru so much in our separate lives, and I felt like getting back together now wasn’t the right time. I didn’t give any explanation as to why I cut off the relatationship btw, bc I gave them way too many explanations before and I was just tired of feeding the beast, so to speak. (When they didn’t respond the best I got was “sorry I forgot” or no answer at all, for context on their end). Anyways, I actually felt so much better after I cut off communications, but that feeling didn’t last. I’m still grieving in a way. But now I’m in the exact same spot where I was when I started this relationship. I have even *more* trust issues from this past connection and I’m too afraid to start a new one. I feel like I still need healing from this past cut-off, bc it was only last week. I just don’t know how to move on from this. This never happened to me this abruptly, but I feel like this is a life lesson that I need to learn. I just want to ask, what would you do, if you were in my shoes now? Would u start healing more, or would you try again with a new connection? ☺️
I just started reading Gabrielle Zevin's book, Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow. It's a fictional story that has some deep reflections about friendship, mental health, and resilience. Much of the storytelling connects video game design and playing to human psychology. ( I hope this doesn't seem dismissive on the complex goal of healing.) A recent video about misleading advice about "self care" by Kati Morton had an idea of "bridge" thinking to get through ambiguity and difficult times, too.
Your videos have been a literal lifesaver for me because it has made so much of my life make sense. For a majority of my life, I thought I only had ADHD but upon further inspection, research, and contemplation I came to the conclusion that there is a high likelihood that I have a dual diagnosis. Learning from your videos I have put method into practice to test out this theory. That was years ago and ever since admitting this possibility to myself and working on cohabitating with symptoms instead of masking or outright not acknowledging them, my life has improved drastically. Currently, I am a student that works part time so health benefits are a bit outside of my reach but plan on going through the diagnosis process once I have the health benefits to do so. By the way I was wondering if you could perhaps do a video on job interviews and your other job related content that relates to Neurodivergence/Asperger‘s/ADHD. I can’t tell you how many job interviews that my symptoms have decided to intervene and I suspect I didn’t get the position because of that even though I disclosed that information. Thank you so much!
One might have highly focused interests, but to find broader connections with others, collaborate on a cause that interests you. Whether it is litter pickup or animal rescue or autism advocacy etc, this will give you " more in common" in a deep way with a broader range of people.
this may sound horrible but my issue is that i don't have the desire to maintain friendships in the level that people want. i think our level of connection is good but to them, which is fair on their part cause time and distance doesn't have an effect on me, i don't want to be their friend. i understand where they're coming from but i don't know how to approach their needs in a way that doesn't feel like a chore and it makes me feel bad. i do enjoy connections but i don't crave them as deeply or as often? idk how to explain it well
I get like that too. Some really close friends I have, I struggle to stay in touch with. I think that the issue is elsewhere and not strictly "I don't want to spend time with you." Spontanious plans can be difficult. Reaching out to someone who isn't part of the regular day can be hard. What people want out of a friendship isn't always obvious. It's probably not your fault.
You can make friends with busy people. One of my friends has a very tight schedule, and that works because it isn't demanding for neither of us. We go out together about every 2-3 months (enough socializing for me and she doesn't have me whining about not hanging out every week).
I get this! I want to do things on an “every now and then” basis, but I know that a lot of other people wouldn’t be happy with that and want me to do things more frequently. It wouldn’t be enjoyable for me at that frequency, though. So I need others who are every now and then people as well.
Even if we have some things in common, I would still feel like the odd one out and like technically we don't have anything in common at all. Because for a normal adult interests and hobbies mean, "Oh, I like this thing" while to me they mean, "I either live and breathe this thing or it's currently not interesting at all until one day I suddenly hyperfixate on it again". I didn't have problems finding friends as a child and teen because I guess it's normal for them to really get into the things they are interested in. But it's way harder to still find like-minded people as an adult.
Honestly, I am well aware of the connection barrier. I am thankful that I found a couple friends that share the same type of ND diagnosis I have and as such, they too hate small-talk and enjoy really digging in deep into difficult and hefty topics. When I do branch out and meet other people I no longer feel discouraged by the repetitious rejection. I know Im an annoying, pedantic nerd. I know Im exhausting to talk to. I also dont care anymore, because trying to mold myself around others and restrict myself to make others comfy only made me miserable.
My interpersonal skills are so poor I'm amazed I've ever had friends, although I have been fortunate to always have a few over time. I always feel there is a "gap" though. I don't always get on any better with other people who (I suspect) are autistic too. Maybe they are like mirrors of my weirdness which I can't face. Even my best long-term relationships (and that includes family) are very vulnerable to being destabilized (doubted/confused - I don't always understand my own emotions). Those intercultural, like casual "shop staff" encounters, are okay because they are safe from emotional demands. You can and will just walk away (maybe even after some eye-contact), in my humble opinion anyway. I will never, ever, find socializing easy so everything good is a bonus. I too, like you Paul, prefer dyads. I can only meet with two people if I really understand how they relate to each other beforehand. Thanks for thought-provoking content as ever.
Your question in this video of how do you “make friends when you don’t like a lot of the things most people like?” particularly resonates with me. Thank you for making these wonderfully informative videos about Autism Paul! 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️❤️
I've used TTRPGs and LARPs as a way to meet people and socialize. And usually with LARPs there will be going to get food together after with some of the people. Also most gamers tend to go on tangent style conversations which suit me cause it's all over the place. And then there are a small few who I play TTRPGs with which is like 4 or so people at most and also leads to more one of one conversations usually about game stuff but also about life stuff. Especially when you share what's going on as you try to schedule things with each other to regularly meet up for the game. And since you need to schedule the game meet ups this helps me too cause planning for one time events for me is harder and I forget to check in with people and have a hard time initiating or knowing when/how to initiate plans. The how often really messes me up. But with TTRPS you plan ahead and have a set things of each week or every other week or once a month. And there is an easier in for me to set up or have others set up stopping by to talk about game stuff (and usually tangent into life stuff) one on one between games. To be honest prior to getting into gaming I totally was unable to even a little bit do this and have any sort of regular intervals for seeing people and forming any kind of friendships. So for me it was like a cheat codes/exploit I could use to get around my limitations, confusion, and awkwardness. And since the games I play heavily borrow from or are based in topics that are my special interests I can also leverage my knowledge of those things in the games. Which helps too. So I feel less self conscious too.
I appreciate this video so much. I love the idea of giving yourself permission to identify what kind of connection you really want. I also resonate with some of the specifics of how you like to connect--one or two on one in a quiet location--so I appreciate hearing I'm not alone in that. Those kinds of places (at least public) seem very difficult to find in the modern world.
I find your level very high and i am amazed by it. Good work reaching at this level. It must have been a lot of work. I enjoy having one on one. But mostly people approach me because they need help. Once done they forget me. Until they come back again. None of these people are there when i need help. Mostly because i do not ask help. And people rarely stick around to offer help. I have deep interaction through my work, which is stressful but rewarding on many levels. Other than that i end up having these fleeting interaction around my cat, when she is on a walk. I actually don't like to do more. Don't know why. But it is genuinely tiring.
Every time I listen to you its like you say exactly what I like and feel and in such a relatable and kind way that it just lands. thank you for being you and sharing your life and wisdom with us.
Small talk can be really difficult at first because it's very rote ("How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?") and it takes time to move onto deeper topics. It feels like every party I've ever been to, I spend two hours wandering around before finally finding somebody I can have a real conversation with. I still go to parties, but I definitely prefer smaller gatherings. More so than anything else in life, finding real friends takes a lot of patience.
This is so much more helpful than anything I've ever seen on this topic. It's so much better that you actually understand and deeply know the lived experience of what you're talking about!
In my experience, people who are "life of the party" style are the more judgemental; this kind of people will find your quietness threatening or at least suspicious. Look for connection with lower key friendly people or with someone who doesn't find silence uncomfortable in a conversation (curiously, I almost never have silent moments talking to people who are comfortable with silence, if that makes sense). I prefer small groups (3-4 people), that way they can talk to each other when my energy level falls.
I've experienced that pattern too. I love low-key people and bonus if they also have a passionate interest in something, doesn't even matter if I like the thing or even know much about.
@@linden5165 Quite. Just watching someone light up like a Christmas tree and go to town explaining up-and-down about something they're really passionate about, can make my day, even if I don't care much for the thing they love. Of course, if the thing they love is litterally rocket science, and I don't understand a single word of it (I'm not a scientist, and I "don't algebra well"), then I won't enjoy it, because I wouldn't be able to keep up.
@@isimonsez Uhmm... that's exactly what "in my experience" means? I'm not judging, just establishing a correlation between recurring experiences. You, on the other hand, are judging me, so... may I guess you're a life of the party type or have friends like this? Congratulations for not having bad experiences with that (no sarcasm).
This was great, thank you! I would say that I prefer one on one. It’s much more likely that I’ll feel included and valued and also people tend to be more friendly.
It has always been tough for me to make friends. I can have a quick simple conversation with anyone, even total strangers, if I'm not stressed out. If I'm stressed, I can barely talk with anyone at all. But to actually make friends beyond that first bit of chitchat is hard. I think its because for all of my childhood, most of my peers in the tiny ranchi g village I lived near didn't understand me. I was too different from them. We had no common interests and I wasn't capable of doing the things they thought were important or cool like football, basketball, rodeo etc. Many of them teased me and the rest ignored me or barely tolerated me. My only friends were the few kids whose families moved there for work and who also didn't fit in for various reasons. Just when we'd really start to be getting to know each other it seemed, their families would move again and I'd never see them anymore. So, I grew up with this feeling of increasing futility. Why bother trying to make friends when it never lasts? I gave up on looking for a best friend, a meaningful connection, and just considered anyone who didnt reject or avoid me outright as an acquaintance and to never hope for a real friendship with them. Years later, when I was in my 30's, I met a girl through mutual coworkers setting us up on a date, who was slightly more outgoing than me but still a bit quiet and shy. We turned out to have quite a bit in common including being misfits most of our lives. We dated for two years before I realized that she wasn't going to move away or reject me and that she genuinely wanted to be with me. She's the only real best friend I've ever had.
Since I quit drinking I've found it impossible to connect with people and I feel permanently stuck in awkward mode. I'm pretty hardcore into my solitary interests so I don't get lonely often but I would like to find a partner. But unless they drop from the sky on to my head I doubt I'll ever find anyone lol
I find it easier to talk with people when I am walking with them. Apparently when you walk in step with someone part of your brain syncs up with person you are walking with. I suppose that’s why the military use drill so much. It gets the squad thinking as one.
I feel like when I talk to people it's hard to make that connection, especially neurotypical people. Surface level is easy for me, but actually connecting feels impossible. I don't really know what thats supposed to feel like tbh.
The only time I'm happy to be superficial is if I'm in a group and the group activity is all I have in common with my fellow group members. Otherwise, I prefer to get to deeper connection.
I don’t initiate conversations or friendship. I work with a lot of people (1000+) and no one talks to me and If someone does approach me, they only talk about themselves and I’m too anxious to tell them to go away. When I do try to say something, they always interrupt me . It’s bizarre. I literally can’t fathom going up to someone and talking for minutes on end without checking in to see how they’re responding or caring what they have to say. It’s made me feel like I’m just uninteresting.
Then I feel weird because apparently I’m the one with a lack of social skills, but I literally feel like it’s everyone else???? Like, I NEVER interrupt someone else because of how badly it hurts me. When people talk to me, all I do is ask questions about what they’re saying because I know if I try to add in my own experiences or thoughts, I will get interrupted. It’s fucking weird and it makes me so confused and honestly angry.
I've always found groups of 3 to be most comfortable as 1 on 1 may be too much pressure especially with someone I just met and a large group too exhausting
I'm just not interested in friends. Being in my 6th decade, I have obviously tried, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, and my life is easier without. I have some friends that have been around for decades, but even they take a toll on my mental and physical health. I have also found - just my experience, doesn't mean everyone - that the level of loyalty and trust a ND person invests into a friendship is rarely returned (no one's fault, we're just different), and I don't need that imbalance in my life :)
I think I agree. Its a two way street and there has to be that hook that makes you want to invest in that relationship. Usually there is nothing to get excited about and work friendships are the weakest all of because their foundations are in fact about work and less about what you like to do outside of work. I could never bear Christmas parties and the like. Hideous ordeals.
Hm, and how do (/did) you go about finding a job (one that doesn't break you to pieces), and keeping it, without the help and support of friends? Not to mention being able to "get along with" Bosses and colleagues enough that they don't decide to unceremoniously fire you, with some lame hand-wavy excuse, because they couldn't meet your most basic, most essential needs? Perhaps you live in a society (or environment) that puts emphasis on logic, and efficiency, and understands how to provide the basic essentials to allow "non-socialites" to perform their assigned tasks, but not all of us are that fortunate. I apologize if I come off a little antagonistic. It is not my intention at all. If I have been out of line, I should like to be corrected. Thank you.
Good question. I think in terms of friendships I am interested in small groups or 1 on 1. Small groups to a maximum of 6 people. I would choose to play board games, card games or watch movies with others, typically being in a group of three works really well. It is very interesting to me that being a threesome works so well compared to just being in a pair.
A simple hi or hello with a hand wave is nice when passing someone while you're walking to a store or passing them in an aisle. I don't talk to anyone.
Some of the best times I have had with people were when we were getting toasty and I'd be able to read them clearly enough to play their minds, not in destructively manipulative way's but in mind opening ways which would reinforce my own state of awareness so that we could travel the "way" a little together. I had learnt to meditate effectively as a young man and from there learnt a few other things as well. Probably easier for me to do because of my underlying Autism and I remember a doctor remarking that he did not doubt that I could open doors but had a concern about my ability to close them. Funnily enough I found that learning how to open doors actually made me better at closing them. Still can't arbitrarily filter things the way "normal" people do but I can close the noise out very effectively when I need to. It's still prohibited here though unfortunately. I should supposedly be able to access it medically here now but the stories I have heard make it seem unlikely that I actually could.
I sometimes connect deep with people when we meet the first time, but i think that this is already a kind of oversharing and too much for them. But i'm really too bored of smalltalk. The best way for me to connect with people and get friends is when we share interrests in a group, at university or at work.
My first thought was a politician (word salad; giver of ear fatigue), lol, really did give me a good laugh but I also knew right away what you are really talking about and that too I found a bit humorous, your way of wording that I mean. That line should be put on something, not sure what but something.
It’s not nothing just because it’s not an interest to you. Repetition and monotony is a snooze fest. Chat about where they’re from, sports, school, family… shit just start off talking about anything and it can snowball into other topics. It’s not difficult
@@isimonsez thats good advice, I need to work on that. I can become interested in a topic if the person is clear and truly wanting to tell me something. But I still think some people talk fluff.
HI Paul, thanks for all the content you share... I was wondering, would you allow me to do the spanish subtitle to this video? I would like to share it with some friends that do no understand english that I think would help them understand a little bit better to their kids, nephews, etc. I tried but I couldn't find the option to do it so I thought maybe it's just now available. Anyways, thanks for all the knowledge and understanding you share with all of us :)
I'd say I look for the one-on-one connection, and perhaps if we find something we are both interested to do together, then I will allocate time to do it with them, provided that it does not equate on that point onwards I can only do that activity with them included (for something I have already been doing) or that I will continue to like doing that activity either with them, or with them (for a new activity), or that I might just prefer to do that activity with someone else the next time without including this person and that should be fine too. One-on-one would be what I would like to achieve.
One of the ways I learned to mask was to initiate the greetings at school or work. It is very hard to break the ice at a place if you were known for not talking for so long. Sometimes though you can be put off on trying to establish a connection with anyone because of the people you tried to establish it with rejected it or ghosted you
Great topic and indeed that is how I connect to people. You just have to find a common ground. I love robotics and I found someone who loves it too so ye I have a friend again and I had totally given up friendship though. This is a golden tip indeed 😊
I just say...dnd. It helps a lot. I started one years ago playing in this group, in that time I was new in the city, and I didn't know anyone except my boyfriend. Now I have 2 really good friend and many friends who shares my same hobby. We meet and talk, have dinner toghter and and we play dnd.
I am glad it has worked with you but with me it didn't work in fact it worked against me. I write this because I hope this is useful for anyone else that is reading this. The Dnd thing depends of the country you live in. In my country people don't play D&D how it should fully be played and what do I mean by this? D&D is a fantasy tabletop roleplaying game and the "roleplay" part in my country just doesn't exist. Here I was thinking the "roleplaying" aspect was going to force me to train my social skills and yet people here play it like a video game with no roleplay in it. I literally had a DM yell at me that D&D was not a roleplaying game and that I was wrong to think that 😆. I even spoke to some immigrants that came from countries where roleplay is key get demoralized when they joined these groups and just leave. They all told me "You have a right to feel the way you do. They don't roleplay here and it is a shame.". Now I am sorry if this came as a more of a sad note but I just want you all to know there is always an other side to the coin and if it not working for you we just need to search somewhere else. And it might be harder for you if you live in a country that is very closed off to begin with.
Being in an airplane is like speed dating without the dating part. So it’s speed friendships with no future obligations. And it’s ok to take a nap, or pretend to.
I'm in the diagnostic process right now. One thing that really confuses me is that I tend to connect okay over small talk, it's not too difficult for me most of the time because I know what things I can ask about and I really do like to also explore other peoples interests. The thing were I get stuck is finding deeper connection. At a certain point after the small talk I just don't know where to go from there. Unless I'm comfortable with someone, then I'll resort to talking about my inner world (emotions and experiences). It seems that this is not typical for people on the spectrum, so I am wondering if anyone can relate to it. I feel like it results in people really liking me at first, but when I desire a more intimate friendship (like actually mainting texting and meeting up and being genuinely interested in hanging out), they tend to kind of drop the ball over time, leaving me confused (and sad/feeling rejected) as to why the friendship couldn't form or last.
Just to clarify: I don't have much personal interest at all, so if someone asks what I like I wouldn't even know what to say. That makes it way more comfortable and interesting to talk about someone else's interest. Also: I've always assumed people pull back from contact because I did or said something wrong or that I was weird for them, but even after asking some people about it I never got a clear answer on it. So I just keep guessing, and it's just very lonely and frustrating. Last side note: I also see this happening with my (very) old friendships, not just the new ones.
Hey, I felt compelled to reply, what you wrote is basically how I operate (I do have a decent amount of special interests however) and I can relate to what you’ve said. I’ve recently self diagnosed quite late with a friend telling me they were on the spectrum, and lots of research and self reflection. But yeah, I’m hitting a wall with people so to speak. After telling people some people were supportive, some have started ghosting me, and some I’m figuring out where our limits of friendships/personalities lie. I have been trying to be a better friend to people and reach out more, but it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated, and now I feel at my loneliest despite having more friends then when I previously had none at all. So it’s a head scratcher. My new friend in question has Asperger’s and I’m trying to navigate my way around her. Sometimes I feel I understand her more than anyone and sometimes I don’t understand her at all. You just take every day to learn something new. It is tough.
If you know people that you only socialize with and talk with about one topic (such as Pokemon, to use the example in the video) those are not your friends; they are acquaintances. Acquaintances sometimes "upgrade" to friends as you get to know them.
No. The answer is no. People like easy conversation, and if you can’t provide it, you will not connect. You can go to their events, sometimes even the invite only events, but the deepest connections are the one-on-one and small-group contacts that you will never be part of. Even at their more public events you will feel like a guest, not a participant. You will know they hang out together outside these events and they talk to each other on the phone and they text each other and tag each other on social media and they post face-on-face photos, and you are never part of any of it. If you are lucky you will find friendly, kind people to occasionally hang with. Sometimes they will even be generous and include you, or even give you individual attention. But if you aren’t easy conversation, you will never be close. You will never be the person they contact preferably over someone else. Chats with you will be acts of kindness and patience. Not friendship.
I have had the luck to experience other things, so its not impossible to find friends even with different communication styles (even if it is much harder, at least its close friendship)
I understand the patterns described. The fictional book by Gabrielle Zevin, Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow, might be of interest. ( Although this was just mentioned in response to the comment by Benni777, this book also applies to yours, since the aspects of nonverbal gestures and gaming comradery are a part of friendships, too).
I find this too. I might attach to a group but find myself for ever on the periphery of it. It never goes beyond the surface because I don’t have the tools.
I'm sorry you've had this experience. I've felt that way at times, particularly if the wider group are quite socially superficial people. But in other groups I've definitely had acceptance and built friendships even though my conversation style is not always light and easy. But some people love upfront and deeper talk - those are often our people. Often it's a cultural thing, there are people from some cultures I bond with easily and I'm bicultural and one side is a lot easier to be in than the other.
Im just wandering,... how does this work? What do I have to say to get past the "small talk" ? Do you ask someone 's phonenumber ? Sorry... really in the dark with this...
I know it's a tiny, silly, unimportant question, but since you're using this kind of presentation your perfectly focused wall is great but you're blurred and it's disconcerting and taking my attention from the real gist I want to pay attention to ( you speaking). I know not that easy with modern cameras but it'd be nice to get you and your amazing message back in focus in order to avoid aspi distractions if possible.
My aspie D 23 is pretty, kind, intelligent, quirky....................naieve. vulnerable, lonely. Her peer groups (nt's and autistic) ignore or avoid her. She only relates to some people who are much older or much younger so she stays safe with me her Mum. I love her with all my ❤ but she needs good friends of her own age to go with to the cinema or swimming etc. These activities don't appeal to her peers.
Slightly off-topic, but your hairline looks better than in the past.. possibly dyed hair as well? Hair fibres? Is it just the lighting? What's your secret as my hairline is thinning/receding, of course there's minoxidil/finasteride but that's a long-term commitment. But on topic, I prefer being alone as I feel I can be myself, do what I want and no one judging me .. can wear any old clothes at home, not have to think about my appearance.
Geocaching. There's always something to do together without awkward social situations. And caching in groups allows one to be part of a community without singling them out.
I started Joker laughing at this because, from my own experience, I desperately crave connection, but people run the f@#$ away as soon as they sniff the autism.
I find people aren’t really interested.. they don’t mind talking about themselves but aren’t interested in me.. they just don’t care.. and I’m talking about neurotypical people here…
@@untitled6087 I've had some close friends that have travelled, partied and even lived with me. We've gone through great times and bad times together. But then they've found a spouse and got kids. I'm 42 now and alone 😞
You know when a "friendship" is dying on its legs when you lose interest in what the person opposite you is rattling on about, don't care about the minutiae of their lives and begin wondering how you can extricate yourself from the situation without having the "its not you, its me" conversation to spare their feelings. What you really want to say is "you bore me". Instead you say the cat died and I need time alone to grieve ( for the next decade).
Please excuse me if I misunderstood something in your rather interesting comment. In my experience, it's far better to simply state, that you're sorry, but you no longer find this subject interesting and cannot engage. It may sting the other person, but they'll get over it much faster, than if you pretend to be "friends" with them, and suddenly just drop out of sight and shut off all communication avenues without warning. The latter can feel like a betrayal of the worst kind, and can take a long time to get over. Reasonable people, even when in deep waters, would be capable of respecting that on some level. Please bear in mind, that I'm not trying to "pretend to be better" - I've made the above mistake a number of times, and will probably commit it again, namely in situations, where I'm under too much pressure myself to cope with the situation in a good way. I'm simply stating, what I feel could be the better way, under circumstances that allow for it.
😂😂😂. Arthur, I love your sense of humor! We’ve all been in those situations. What you describe is very common and in my view is a failure on the speakers part to attune to the listener. I’m an introverted NT from a neurodiverse family and in a neurodiverse marriage.
no im sorry someone shouting and swearing isnt just "weird and a bit out of the box" people get scared that person might be actually dangerous me walking around the supermarked with my dooner around me in bare feet singing a tune and doing little dances is a bit out of the box
A difficulty I have is when I meet people that share one of my main interests they are usually nothing like me. It usually feels like we have this one thing in common, and nothing else.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
@@sildurmank I've reported the message to RUclips as Spam multiple times.
I'm not sure what Telegram is actually used for other than scamming people. The only time I've ever heard it mentioned is spam comments on RUclips (and I see a lot of those).
It was only when I started volunteering with a suicide helpline that I understood what I was missing. That deep conversation about meaning, life and death. It nourished me with deeper connection in ways I rarely get to duplicate in wider social circles. I can do smalltalk if I'm in the mood but it's an effort, whereas talking properly with someone energises me and feeds my soul.
As I get older, I have less and less tolerance for friendships that cost me energy, I'd rather be on my own. So I'm more selective about who I spend my time with and focus on.
That's really interesting.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head for me in two ways: 1. It also energizes me to have deep conversations about things we all have in common but don’t quite explore or express as much, like our beliefs about death or our perception or relationship with life, etc. 2. I also find myself losing tolerance for people who drain my energy with their constant pessimism or toxic ways of communicating. On one hand, those are ppl who are very dear to me (family members or long time friends) so I don’t want to cut them off. On the other hand, I need to be there for me too and not allow this relationships to drain me. So it’s a catch 22 for me, a balancing act I’m still learning: to be there for my loved ones, accepting them as they are, while still being there for ME, accepting my own limitations and respecting my boundaries. Anyhow, I’m relieved to read what I’ve been feeling from someone else. Makes me feel less alone, so TY.
Yes! I only want deep and real talk and have zero tolerance for meaningless chit chat and gossip. I've called Lifeline several times and always feel sadder afterwards because it hurts my heart that I have to reach out to a random stranger on a phone line because I don't have a real person that I have that connection with 😢
“As I get older and older I have less and less tolerance for friendships that cost me energy…”
this 💯
For several years I was invited to my boss' house for Thanksgiving. The food was good and the family were all nice, but what made it particularly enjoyable is that she ran a small business, her husband was a VP for a major company, both her kids got Master's degrees, and some of the other family members or neighbors that would come to the dinners were pretty smart too. It's rare in my life to actually be in a room where the average intelligence was that high and we had some very good conversations.
Contrast that to my old neighbor who would invite me to his Super Bowl parties. Also nice people, but he was a firefighter and most of his buddies were firefighters and his wife worked at a grocery grocery store. We could have good conversations about football, but that was about it. Too normal.
You always have such practical advice that aren't simply clichés I've read elsewhere. I'm not even on the spectrum (that I'm aware of), but I resonate with certain aspects of the autistic experience. Thank you.
This was such an amazing video. Loved that he talked to everyone and not just Autistic people (I am), however, I love that he did this!
Same for me. I am not autistic but have an anxiety disorder, so there are things about Paul's experience that overlap with mine. His videos would be useful for anyone who has trouble understanding neuroatypical people.
Aspies are the best people observers. And they summarize human interactions into rules that they can mimic and follow. Paul is great at this
It's entirely possible to have traits, that aren't collectively sufficient to be diagnosed. The more of the traits you've got and the more of your friends are, the more likely it is that you are. But, having traits without the full on autism is certainly possible.
Honestly, deep conversation with 2 or 3 people in a quiet place with a beverage and/or snack, or possibly a board game- is absolutely my idea of a perfect closer-friend activity. I only know 1 or 2 people I do this with yearly (1 I have to drive 3 hours each way to see). I used to be able to do acquaintances, but can't really bridge the gap because either I am wrong or I just have so little in common. Board games used to be that bridge. I would still crash and burn eventually, but I used to get some good runs in first.
I haven't played board games since some time in my teen years. Those were not only fun but played a role in good connections I had. As I got older, started to miss them and would love to be able to play some again, even some that didn't use boards like Yahtzee.
I'm neurotypical and have social anxiety. I find your videos helpful for building strategies (and therefore confidence) to deal with people in a social setting. Many thanks for your informative content :)
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
I'm neurodiverse in that I was recently diagnosed as ADHD, but I haven't sought a diagnosis for autism. I don't think I am autistic but I have many autistic traits, sorry for rambling. Paul's videos on here really help me to.😊
The only group activity I've ever done that hasn't completely drained my energy is playing Dungeons and Dragons. Everything else feels soul-sucking. Don't even get me started on work events. Sometimes I take days off to avoid them.
Also, I appreciate the Pokémon reference! My boss noticed I like talking about that, so every time he stops by, he'll bring up how his kids did in a local tournament. It's really lovely, actually.
I much prefer one-on-one time with a friend who likes to talk on a deeper level. I don't like large gatherings at all. I'm not autistic, but I've often felt like a misfit for being this way. Some people even think I'm rude for not wanting to join a group for lunch. Hmm, I feel much better having listened to this. Thank you for sharing these insights.
I feel this. I also prefer in-depth knowledgeable discussion with only one or two people. Can’t cope with small talk and large numbers of people. Can’t keep up with changes of topic and my ears don’t know what to listen to for the best!
I have a granddaughter that is on the Autism Spectrum, therefore I look for videos on autism. I occasionally will run across a person who knows someone that is autistic. That is what happened with the lady who did the extensive ultrasound on my legs today. She said her husband is autistic, and a brilliant engineer. She said that over the years she has learned things about autism that she has made allowances for. One of the things you mentioned that she spoke about, is time limits. She said it does not matter who they are with her family/friends or his family/friends that at a certain point, he becomes mentally uncomfortable and will lean over and whisper to her, it's time to leave and go home. She said she does not argue with that, they just get up, she says her goodbyes and they leave. She said the other thing that she has learned was that it does not occur to him to compliment people and speak niceties. She says he is a very good-hearted and quite intelligent man, that does not show much if any emotion on his face nor express the same. So those were things she learned about he husband and makes accommodations for them. So having a relationship with an autistic person might be challenging, but doable if you are willing to put in the effort to learn about the person and their personal intricacies. With my granddaughter, I had to get used to her not looking at me when she speaks to me, which I now know is quite common on the autistic spectrum. My son told me that she can be very involved in IPad and is able to continue what she is doing and hear, understand, and process what you are talking to her about. She is very observant have two kittens and she was talking about one of them and I asked her which one saying their names, her response was, "the one with the LONG TAIL". I told my son, until she had said that, I never paid any attention to that difference, but that she was correct. The male has a long slender tail and the female has a shorter bushier tail. One of her traits is echolalia, but that has gotten somewhat less pronounced, unless she feels stressed. She does not have TRUE echolalia (parroting) as what she says back in said from her 1 person view or a clarifying of the statement to the whole room.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
Although I’m considered socially adept at large gatherings, I only appear that way because I’ve learned how. I prefer my small social group because I trust there’s no judgment. Thank you for continuing to share. I always relate to your posts.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
The hardest part for me is the unpredictability of my energy levels making me so unreliable. People like to make plans in advance and I'll agree to meet up but when the time comes, I'm so often too exhausted just from the basic functions of living that I end up having to cancel plans and that makes me come across as a flake... and friendships just don't seem to last for me 😢
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
I think friendships can take a lot of energy unless you're lucky enough to be on the same wavelength.
I try to avoid spending time with people that don't give me energy. It's just not a good experience for anybody involved when they're taking my energy.
I am so thankful that you are able to articulate these struggles for us who maybe struggle to communicate a bit. And are brave and vulnerable in sharing your experiences. I find all this extremely emotionally painful that we have to work so hard to just have someone be willing to have a second conversation.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
I've made some very good connections and friendships within interest groups - hobbies, fan groups, or community projects.
I do find that I connect better with people who are also neurodivergent, or who are very accepting and upfront people. I really don't mind that being autistic has filtered judgemental people out of my life. They've either not been able to see me for who I am or I've not allowed them in. I don't need lots of connections, just a smaller number of quality connections is good, and some friendly relationships around my community. And I do still like a lot of time alone.
Socialising becomes a lot more easy and comfortable for me since some trauma healing and building up a sense of safety.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
Thank you for making these. Your videos have helped me more than I can express.
Some people in the autistic population are extraverts, and some people in the autistic population are introverts, just like how some people in the neurotypical population are extraverts, and some people in the neurotypical population are introverts. What's funny is that back when high functioning autism was called Asperger's syndrome, there was a movie about a man with high functioning autism, named Adam, and the movie was even called Adam. And Adam was modeled after a man with high functioning autism who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's syndrome, and I think that the person being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an introvert since the main character of the movie Adam was someone with high functioning autism who preferred spending most of his time alone with his special interest which was studying about outer space, and if the autistic person who was being interviewed on NPR about what it's like to have Asperger's was an extravert instead, then the movie Adam probably would have been different since the main character Adam would have been an autistic person who really wanted a social life but who struggled making friends rather than being someone who preferred being alone with his special interest all the time.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
@@sildurmank I know, I was only being sarcastic. Lol 🐿️
I love deep and meaningful but not with everyone. Most of my friends are online, we connect over shared interests and go deeper sometimes if that's our thing, and that works for me. Usually one or two other people is a good density, especially in real life. Two means I can take a break and just listen to the conversation for a bit if I'm low on energy or whatnot, and there won't be multiple conversations going at once.
I'm only halfway through this video at this moment and will watch the rest of it after saying this; I frequently find that others tend to offload their worries and problems onto me, as if I am the only one in their lives that they can trust to either dump their problems on - or seek genuine understanding and come up with a solution to help them. I prefer the latter but I will also listen to the first because it hopefully makes them feel better. The only word that means anything in what I've said above is 'Trust'; people do trust me. When they've got nowhere else to go, they turn to me. I don't know what that means in terms of being autistic but I'm sure that someone out there will have also experienced it and can explain it.
I love the part about sharing a part of yourself with somebody and the measurement of how to not under or over share. They were so many levels to this video that touched me in so many ways, and it seemed like it came at just the right time, much positive energy, and thanks.
Friends? What are those? Sounds like something I had once upon a time, maybe, hard to say for sure.
I think it makes total sense to follow activities and there find people who do the same and try to connect, but there are two major blocks for that. One is the type of activity - and I am probably not the outlier here when I say that a lot of the activities I like are not exactly group activities. So at the moment I am doing these: beekeeping, electronics, 3-d printing, running, hiking and skiing. So I am sure that while some of those are really more alone-activities, for some of those activities there are ways to use them to get in contact with people but its not coming by itself. One would have to join a club or something to talk or do these activities in a group and usually I do not really like clubs. And this is the second thing then - when I am actually in some sort of group, it usually goes nowhere. Basically I will sit around and observe the other people talking, maybe occasionally someone will exchange a few words with me but this feels awkward after a short while and then I avoid repeating this.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
58 now. "ADHD, with strong autistic traits".
Pretty much zero social connections, genuine or otherwise. Not for lack of desire.
The years take their toll - lost so many friends to death, emigration, indifference (theirs), addictions, madness, personality disorders, alcoholism, etc. It's heartbreaking.
Wonder if it's going to be me, that wakes up one day and realises that there's no one left on earth that knows me and that amongst eight billion or so people, I'm alone. Don't want to see that day.
Social confidence wrecked by circumstance and poor decisions.
This is no life worth living.
I feel bad reading your story. My story is also sad. If I didn't have my pets, and the meetings of the small group with people with similar problems I surely not want to go on living this life. The biggest issue for me is that I've been bullyied for more than ten years by people in this town because I am very different.
Please, don't give up!
@@rita.amstlv I don't have the slightest intention of giving up. ;-)
Some people here in the comments have given up on friendship entirely, and that's really sad. My experience is that different friendships have different roles, and you don't have to be someone's best friend in order to have a valuable impact on each others lives. I'm very introverted, and most of my friends are extroverts who spend much more time talking to each other than to me. That sounds like it would be uncomfortable but it's actually really nice because we all understand each others needs and communication styles, and we can be our genuine selves around each other. They don't think I'm weird, or they appreciate my weirdness. It takes time to get to that point with a group of friends, but it's totally worth it. It's much easier to develop that when you use a shared interest or activity as a social "foundation", as the video points out.
Yes, as an extrovert with at least two autistic (I think, it's not my place to suggest it in my opinion) friends, I value them and enjoy having them in my life.
I don't see them nearly as much as my other friends (their choice, and it did hurt my feelings and confuse me at first), but I consider them part of my life forever. One is my cousin, the other is my best friend's cousin and my childhood friend, and it's been strange trying to figure out how to combine "you are a permanent part of my life" and "we see each other a couple of times per year and I don't depend on you for day-to-day love and support, even though in crisis you are right there", but that's how they like to do it, and it works for me, too. We occasionally get together for a meal and a game or to sit around a bonfire.
It could be weird if you think "I see person 1 at least twice a week and know everything about her, and for person 2, I'm vaguely aware that she changed jobs 8 months ago, as I remember her saying something about it last year when we last met." But if nobody thinks about it like that, it's perfectly fine!
Person 2 used to feel a bit uncomfortable, and would try to make inside jokes with me referencing our childhood days when we were at school together, I think to try to make an impression on the other people that "yes, I know her even better", but because she and I have very different interpretations of what happened as kids, it didn't work very well. I'm glad that now she doesn't do that, she is more comfortable and secure in herself.
I've found my local Authentic Relating group really helpful for developing deeper connections with people - both with the others in that group and by learning social skills that I can then use with people outside the group. Also, coincidentally a large number of people in that group are neurodivergent in some way.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
Making friends as an adult is hard; neurodivergent or not, disabled or not; making new friends, keeping old ones. We all have busy lives and it’s hard to find time for friends.
I just broke off a connection with a friend that I only recently got to know. It was hard communicating with them, bc I put in most of the work in the relationship, and they did almost none of it; only when it benefited them. It really wasn’t a relationship at all, now that I’m thinking about it. Bc the definition of a friendship/relationship is where both parties put in the same amount of effort in the connection, which didn’t happen.
I felt so drained every time I initiated a conversation (which was all of the time btw.) so I just ended it imminently. Yes, it might have been too abrupt, but we were both going thru so much in our separate lives, and I felt like getting back together now wasn’t the right time. I didn’t give any explanation as to why I cut off the relatationship btw, bc I gave them way too many explanations before and I was just tired of feeding the beast, so to speak. (When they didn’t respond the best I got was “sorry I forgot” or no answer at all, for context on their end).
Anyways, I actually felt so much better after I cut off communications, but that feeling didn’t last. I’m still grieving in a way. But now I’m in the exact same spot where I was when I started this relationship. I have even *more* trust issues from this past connection and I’m too afraid to start a new one. I feel like I still need healing from this past cut-off, bc it was only last week. I just don’t know how to move on from this. This never happened to me this abruptly, but I feel like this is a life lesson that I need to learn. I just want to ask, what would you do, if you were in my shoes now? Would u start healing more, or would you try again with a new connection? ☺️
I just started reading Gabrielle Zevin's book, Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow. It's a fictional story that has some deep reflections about friendship, mental health, and resilience. Much of the storytelling connects video game design and playing to human psychology. ( I hope this doesn't seem dismissive on the complex goal of healing.) A recent video about misleading advice about "self care" by Kati Morton had an idea of "bridge" thinking to get through ambiguity and difficult times, too.
Your videos have been a literal lifesaver for me because it has made so much of my life make sense. For a majority of my life, I thought I only had ADHD but upon further inspection, research, and contemplation I came to the conclusion that there is a high likelihood that I have a dual diagnosis. Learning from your videos I have put method into practice to test out this theory.
That was years ago and ever since admitting this possibility to myself and working on cohabitating with symptoms instead of masking or outright not acknowledging them, my life has improved drastically. Currently, I am a student that works part time so health benefits are a bit outside of my reach but plan on going through the diagnosis process once I have the health benefits to do so.
By the way I was wondering if you could perhaps do a video on job interviews and your other job related content that relates to Neurodivergence/Asperger‘s/ADHD. I can’t tell you how many job interviews that my symptoms have decided to intervene and I suspect I didn’t get the position because of that even though I disclosed that information. Thank you so much!
One might have highly focused interests, but to find broader connections with others, collaborate on a cause that interests you. Whether it is litter pickup or animal rescue or autism advocacy etc, this will give you " more in common" in a deep way with a broader range of people.
this may sound horrible but my issue is that i don't have the desire to maintain friendships in the level that people want. i think our level of connection is good but to them, which is fair on their part cause time and distance doesn't have an effect on me, i don't want to be their friend. i understand where they're coming from but i don't know how to approach their needs in a way that doesn't feel like a chore and it makes me feel bad. i do enjoy connections but i don't crave them as deeply or as often? idk how to explain it well
I get like that too. Some really close friends I have, I struggle to stay in touch with. I think that the issue is elsewhere and not strictly "I don't want to spend time with you." Spontanious plans can be difficult. Reaching out to someone who isn't part of the regular day can be hard. What people want out of a friendship isn't always obvious. It's probably not your fault.
You can make friends with busy people. One of my friends has a very tight schedule, and that works because it isn't demanding for neither of us. We go out together about every 2-3 months (enough socializing for me and she doesn't have me whining about not hanging out every week).
I get this! I want to do things on an “every now and then” basis, but I know that a lot of other people wouldn’t be happy with that and want me to do things more frequently. It wouldn’t be enjoyable for me at that frequency, though. So I need others who are every now and then people as well.
Even if we have some things in common, I would still feel like the odd one out and like technically we don't have anything in common at all. Because for a normal adult interests and hobbies mean, "Oh, I like this thing" while to me they mean, "I either live and breathe this thing or it's currently not interesting at all until one day I suddenly hyperfixate on it again". I didn't have problems finding friends as a child and teen because I guess it's normal for them to really get into the things they are interested in. But it's way harder to still find like-minded people as an adult.
Honestly, I am well aware of the connection barrier. I am thankful that I found a couple friends that share the same type of ND diagnosis I have and as such, they too hate small-talk and enjoy really digging in deep into difficult and hefty topics. When I do branch out and meet other people I no longer feel discouraged by the repetitious rejection. I know Im an annoying, pedantic nerd. I know Im exhausting to talk to. I also dont care anymore, because trying to mold myself around others and restrict myself to make others comfy only made me miserable.
I wonder how many others here felt like this is one of those videos you really want to see what the comments are gonna be.
Screw small talk, I’ll continue to conduct my interactions with people who understand my areas of expertise and special interests.
My interpersonal skills are so poor I'm amazed I've ever had friends, although I have been fortunate to always have a few over time. I always feel there is a "gap" though. I don't always get on any better with other people who (I suspect) are autistic too. Maybe they are like mirrors of my weirdness which I can't face. Even my best long-term relationships (and that includes family) are very vulnerable to being destabilized (doubted/confused - I don't always understand my own emotions). Those intercultural, like casual "shop staff" encounters, are okay because they are safe from emotional demands. You can and will just walk away (maybe even after some eye-contact), in my humble opinion anyway. I will never, ever, find socializing easy so everything good is a bonus. I too, like you Paul, prefer dyads. I can only meet with two people if I really understand how they relate to each other beforehand. Thanks for thought-provoking content as ever.
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@@sildurmank Thanks, it confused me. I thought it might be a herbal "cure" for autism one yet again. Best wishes
Your question in this video of how do you “make friends when you don’t like a lot of the things most people like?” particularly resonates with me. Thank you for making these wonderfully informative videos about Autism Paul! 🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️❤️
I've used TTRPGs and LARPs as a way to meet people and socialize. And usually with LARPs there will be going to get food together after with some of the people. Also most gamers tend to go on tangent style conversations which suit me cause it's all over the place. And then there are a small few who I play TTRPGs with which is like 4 or so people at most and also leads to more one of one conversations usually about game stuff but also about life stuff. Especially when you share what's going on as you try to schedule things with each other to regularly meet up for the game. And since you need to schedule the game meet ups this helps me too cause planning for one time events for me is harder and I forget to check in with people and have a hard time initiating or knowing when/how to initiate plans. The how often really messes me up. But with TTRPS you plan ahead and have a set things of each week or every other week or once a month. And there is an easier in for me to set up or have others set up stopping by to talk about game stuff (and usually tangent into life stuff) one on one between games.
To be honest prior to getting into gaming I totally was unable to even a little bit do this and have any sort of regular intervals for seeing people and forming any kind of friendships.
So for me it was like a cheat codes/exploit I could use to get around my limitations, confusion, and awkwardness.
And since the games I play heavily borrow from or are based in topics that are my special interests I can also leverage my knowledge of those things in the games. Which helps too. So I feel less self conscious too.
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I appreciate this video so much. I love the idea of giving yourself permission to identify what kind of connection you really want. I also resonate with some of the specifics of how you like to connect--one or two on one in a quiet location--so I appreciate hearing I'm not alone in that. Those kinds of places (at least public) seem very difficult to find in the modern world.
I find your level very high and i am amazed by it. Good work reaching at this level. It must have been a lot of work. I enjoy having one on one. But mostly people approach me because they need help. Once done they forget me. Until they come back again. None of these people are there when i need help. Mostly because i do not ask help. And people rarely stick around to offer help.
I have deep interaction through my work, which is stressful but rewarding on many levels. Other than that i end up having these fleeting interaction around my cat, when she is on a walk. I actually don't like to do more. Don't know why. But it is genuinely tiring.
Every time I listen to you its like you say exactly what I like and feel and in such a relatable and kind way that it just lands. thank you for being you and sharing your life and wisdom with us.
Small talk can be really difficult at first because it's very rote ("How are you?" "I'm good, how are you?") and it takes time to move onto deeper topics. It feels like every party I've ever been to, I spend two hours wandering around before finally finding somebody I can have a real conversation with. I still go to parties, but I definitely prefer smaller gatherings. More so than anything else in life, finding real friends takes a lot of patience.
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This is so much more helpful than anything I've ever seen on this topic. It's so much better that you actually understand and deeply know the lived experience of what you're talking about!
In my experience, people who are "life of the party" style are the more judgemental; this kind of people will find your quietness threatening or at least suspicious. Look for connection with lower key friendly people or with someone who doesn't find silence uncomfortable in a conversation (curiously, I almost never have silent moments talking to people who are comfortable with silence, if that makes sense).
I prefer small groups (3-4 people), that way they can talk to each other when my energy level falls.
I've experienced that pattern too. I love low-key people and bonus if they also have a passionate interest in something, doesn't even matter if I like the thing or even know much about.
@@linden5165
Quite. Just watching someone light up like a Christmas tree and go to town explaining up-and-down about something they're really passionate about, can make my day, even if I don't care much for the thing they love.
Of course, if the thing they love is litterally rocket science, and I don't understand a single word of it (I'm not a scientist, and I "don't algebra well"), then I won't enjoy it, because I wouldn't be able to keep up.
Your anecdotal evidence means 0 …. Yet you speaking of “more judgmental”. Pot kettle black
@@isimonsez Uhmm... that's exactly what "in my experience" means? I'm not judging, just establishing a correlation between recurring experiences. You, on the other hand, are judging me, so... may I guess you're a life of the party type or have friends like this? Congratulations for not having bad experiences with that (no sarcasm).
This was great, thank you! I would say that I prefer one on one. It’s much more likely that I’ll feel included and valued and also people tend to be more friendly.
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EPIC video as always Paul!
Enjoy ur day:)
Your content is always so helpful, thank you!
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It has always been tough for me to make friends. I can have a quick simple conversation with anyone, even total strangers, if I'm not stressed out. If I'm stressed, I can barely talk with anyone at all. But to actually make friends beyond that first bit of chitchat is hard.
I think its because for all of my childhood, most of my peers in the tiny ranchi g village I lived near didn't understand me. I was too different from them. We had no common interests and I wasn't capable of doing the things they thought were important or cool like football, basketball, rodeo etc. Many of them teased me and the rest ignored me or barely tolerated me.
My only friends were the few kids whose families moved there for work and who also didn't fit in for various reasons. Just when we'd really start to be getting to know each other it seemed, their families would move again and I'd never see them anymore.
So, I grew up with this feeling of increasing futility. Why bother trying to make friends when it never lasts? I gave up on looking for a best friend, a meaningful connection, and just considered anyone who didnt reject or avoid me outright as an acquaintance and to never hope for a real friendship with them.
Years later, when I was in my 30's, I met a girl through mutual coworkers setting us up on a date, who was slightly more outgoing than me but still a bit quiet and shy. We turned out to have quite a bit in common including being misfits most of our lives. We dated for two years before I realized that she wasn't going to move away or reject me and that she genuinely wanted to be with me. She's the only real best friend I've ever had.
Fantastic advice! Thank you Paul!
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You are a trailblazer to me. Thank you sooo much!
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Since I quit drinking I've found it impossible to connect with people and I feel permanently stuck in awkward mode. I'm pretty hardcore into my solitary interests so I don't get lonely often but I would like to find a partner. But unless they drop from the sky on to my head I doubt I'll ever find anyone lol
You're such a great coach! Thank you always for your talk, so inspirational and makes my mind clear and felt understood.
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I love to be able to connect deeper one on one.
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I find it easier to talk with people when I am walking with them. Apparently when you walk in step with someone part of your brain syncs up with person you are walking with. I suppose that’s why the military use drill so much. It gets the squad thinking as one.
Thank you as always
I feel like when I talk to people it's hard to make that connection, especially neurotypical people. Surface level is easy for me, but actually connecting feels impossible. I don't really know what thats supposed to feel like tbh.
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The only time I'm happy to be superficial is if I'm in a group and the group activity is all I have in common with my fellow group members. Otherwise, I prefer to get to deeper connection.
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@@sildurmank, I learnt that ages ago.
I don’t initiate conversations or friendship. I work with a lot of people (1000+) and no one talks to me and If someone does approach me, they only talk about themselves and I’m too anxious to tell them to go away. When I do try to say something, they always interrupt me . It’s bizarre. I literally can’t fathom going up to someone and talking for minutes on end without checking in to see how they’re responding or caring what they have to say.
It’s made me feel like I’m just uninteresting.
Then I feel weird because apparently I’m the one with a lack of social skills, but I literally feel like it’s everyone else????
Like, I NEVER interrupt someone else because of how badly it hurts me. When people talk to me, all I do is ask questions about what they’re saying because I know if I try to add in my own experiences or thoughts, I will get interrupted. It’s fucking weird and it makes me so confused and honestly angry.
@@ZinniaGulden I experience that too. Especially in large groups of people.
Paul you rule please keep it up you are so helpful. My little one is a panda.
Much love
I've always found groups of 3 to be most comfortable as 1 on 1 may be too much pressure especially with someone I just met and a large group too exhausting
I'm just not interested in friends. Being in my 6th decade, I have obviously tried, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, and my life is easier without. I have some friends that have been around for decades, but even they take a toll on my mental and physical health. I have also found - just my experience, doesn't mean everyone - that the level of loyalty and trust a ND person invests into a friendship is rarely returned (no one's fault, we're just different), and I don't need that imbalance in my life :)
I think I agree. Its a two way street and there has to be that hook that makes you want to invest in that relationship. Usually there is nothing to get excited about and work friendships are the weakest all of because their foundations are in fact about work and less about what you like to do outside of work. I could never bear Christmas parties and the like. Hideous ordeals.
Me too. I don’t much go for friends but that doesn’t stop me wishing I could.
Hm, and how do (/did) you go about finding a job (one that doesn't break you to pieces), and keeping it, without the help and support of friends? Not to mention being able to "get along with" Bosses and colleagues enough that they don't decide to unceremoniously fire you, with some lame hand-wavy excuse, because they couldn't meet your most basic, most essential needs?
Perhaps you live in a society (or environment) that puts emphasis on logic, and efficiency, and understands how to provide the basic essentials to allow "non-socialites" to perform their assigned tasks, but not all of us are that fortunate.
I apologize if I come off a little antagonistic. It is not my intention at all. If I have been out of line, I should like to be corrected. Thank you.
@@arthurlincoln9093 I so hear you re Christmas parties, or any work event. Absolute nightmare, hell on earth. Team building weekends too. Horrible.
@@Rogsie-p6l I'm lucky that I don't even wish for friends. (I sound miserable hahaha).
Good question. I think in terms of friendships I am interested in small groups or 1 on 1. Small groups to a maximum of 6 people. I would choose to play board games, card games or watch movies with others, typically being in a group of three works really well. It is very interesting to me that being a threesome works so well compared to just being in a pair.
A simple hi or hello with a hand wave is nice when passing someone while you're walking to a store or passing them in an aisle. I don't talk to anyone.
Thank you so much! This is immensely helpful.
Some of the best times I have had with people were when we were getting toasty and I'd be able to read them clearly enough to play their minds, not in destructively manipulative way's but in mind opening ways which would reinforce my own state of awareness so that we could travel the "way" a little together.
I had learnt to meditate effectively as a young man and from there learnt a few other things as well.
Probably easier for me to do because of my underlying Autism and I remember a doctor remarking that he did not doubt that I could open doors but had a concern about my ability to close them. Funnily enough I found that learning how to open doors actually made me better at closing them. Still can't arbitrarily filter things the way "normal" people do but I can close the noise out very effectively when I need to.
It's still prohibited here though unfortunately.
I should supposedly be able to access it medically here now but the stories I have heard make it seem unlikely that I actually could.
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I sometimes connect deep with people when we meet the first time, but i think that this is already a kind of oversharing and too much for them. But i'm really too bored of smalltalk. The best way for me to connect with people and get friends is when we share interrests in a group, at university or at work.
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Some people have perfected the art of talking about absolutely nothing
My first thought was a politician (word salad; giver of ear fatigue), lol, really did give me a good laugh but I also knew right away what you are really talking about and that too I found a bit humorous, your way of wording that I mean. That line should be put on something, not sure what but something.
Those are called "bores," and I woukd much rather be alone and finding satisfaction in private thoughts than having my life energy robbed by a bore.
It’s not nothing just because it’s not an interest to you. Repetition and monotony is a snooze fest. Chat about where they’re from, sports, school, family… shit just start off talking about anything and it can snowball into other topics. It’s not difficult
@@isimonsez thats good advice, I need to work on that. I can become interested in a topic if the person is clear and truly wanting to tell me something. But I still think some people talk fluff.
HI Paul, thanks for all the content you share... I was wondering, would you allow me to do the spanish subtitle to this video? I would like to share it with some friends that do no understand english that I think would help them understand a little bit better to their kids, nephews, etc. I tried but I couldn't find the option to do it so I thought maybe it's just now available. Anyways, thanks for all the knowledge and understanding you share with all of us :)
I'd say I look for the one-on-one connection, and perhaps if we find something we are both interested to do together, then I will allocate time to do it with them, provided that it does not equate on that point onwards I can only do that activity with them included (for something I have already been doing) or that I will continue to like doing that activity either with them, or with them (for a new activity), or that I might just prefer to do that activity with someone else the next time without including this person and that should be fine too. One-on-one would be what I would like to achieve.
One of the ways I learned to mask was to initiate the greetings at school or work. It is very hard to break the ice at a place if you were known for not talking for so long. Sometimes though you can be put off on trying to establish a connection with anyone because of the people you tried to establish it with rejected it or ghosted you
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Thanks!
Great topic and indeed that is how I connect to people. You just have to find a common ground. I love robotics and I found someone who loves it too so ye I have a friend again and I had totally given up friendship though. This is a golden tip indeed 😊
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I feel better knowing my neurodivergence, so I don't expect the same socially as neurotypicals now and feel behind or wrong.
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I just say...dnd. It helps a lot. I started one years ago playing in this group, in that time I was new in the city, and I didn't know anyone except my boyfriend. Now I have 2 really good friend and many friends who shares my same hobby. We meet and talk, have dinner toghter and and we play dnd.
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I am glad it has worked with you but with me it didn't work in fact it worked against me. I write this because I hope this is useful for anyone else that is reading this. The Dnd thing depends of the country you live in. In my country people don't play D&D how it should fully be played and what do I mean by this? D&D is a fantasy tabletop roleplaying game and the "roleplay" part in my country just doesn't exist. Here I was thinking the "roleplaying" aspect was going to force me to train my social skills and yet people here play it like a video game with no roleplay in it. I literally had a DM yell at me that D&D was not a roleplaying game and that I was wrong to think that 😆. I even spoke to some immigrants that came from countries where roleplay is key get demoralized when they joined these groups and just leave. They all told me "You have a right to feel the way you do. They don't roleplay here and it is a shame.". Now I am sorry if this came as a more of a sad note but I just want you all to know there is always an other side to the coin and if it not working for you we just need to search somewhere else. And it might be harder for you if you live in a country that is very closed off to begin with.
Being in an airplane is like speed dating without the dating part. So it’s speed friendships with no future obligations. And it’s ok to take a nap, or pretend to.
I'm in the diagnostic process right now. One thing that really confuses me is that I tend to connect okay over small talk, it's not too difficult for me most of the time because I know what things I can ask about and I really do like to also explore other peoples interests. The thing were I get stuck is finding deeper connection. At a certain point after the small talk I just don't know where to go from there. Unless I'm comfortable with someone, then I'll resort to talking about my inner world (emotions and experiences). It seems that this is not typical for people on the spectrum, so I am wondering if anyone can relate to it. I feel like it results in people really liking me at first, but when I desire a more intimate friendship (like actually mainting texting and meeting up and being genuinely interested in hanging out), they tend to kind of drop the ball over time, leaving me confused (and sad/feeling rejected) as to why the friendship couldn't form or last.
Just to clarify: I don't have much personal interest at all, so if someone asks what I like I wouldn't even know what to say. That makes it way more comfortable and interesting to talk about someone else's interest.
Also: I've always assumed people pull back from contact because I did or said something wrong or that I was weird for them, but even after asking some people about it I never got a clear answer on it. So I just keep guessing, and it's just very lonely and frustrating.
Last side note: I also see this happening with my (very) old friendships, not just the new ones.
Hey, I felt compelled to reply, what you wrote is basically how I operate (I do have a decent amount of special interests however) and I can relate to what you’ve said. I’ve recently self diagnosed quite late with a friend telling me they were on the spectrum, and lots of research and self reflection. But yeah, I’m hitting a wall with people so to speak. After telling people some people were supportive, some have started ghosting me, and some I’m figuring out where our limits of friendships/personalities lie. I have been trying to be a better friend to people and reach out more, but it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated, and now I feel at my loneliest despite having more friends then when I previously had none at all. So it’s a head scratcher. My new friend in question has Asperger’s and I’m trying to navigate my way around her. Sometimes I feel I understand her more than anyone and sometimes I don’t understand her at all. You just take every day to learn something new. It is tough.
Pokemon, Physics, applied Engineering in Medicine, TEDx Calgary volunteering ... Deep friendships are born out of 4 special interests of mine :)
Can you please make a video that breaks down Autistic type "Protective Modes" ?? 🙏
If you know people that you only socialize with and talk with about one topic (such as Pokemon, to use the example in the video) those are not your friends; they are acquaintances. Acquaintances sometimes "upgrade" to friends as you get to know them.
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I make a friend now & then, but they just end up moving away. Which isn't very good for motivation to make another friend.
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@@sildurmank I know. I've gotten dozens of these in the past year.
My current social circle is my son's monologues at home and the guys at work trying to hit on me, one more disrespectfully than the other.
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@@sildurmank they're everywhere.
No. The answer is no. People like easy conversation, and if you can’t provide it, you will not connect. You can go to their events, sometimes even the invite only events, but the deepest connections are the one-on-one and small-group contacts that you will never be part of. Even at their more public events you will feel like a guest, not a participant. You will know they hang out together outside these events and they talk to each other on the phone and they text each other and tag each other on social media and they post face-on-face photos, and you are never part of any of it.
If you are lucky you will find friendly, kind people to occasionally hang with. Sometimes they will even be generous and include you, or even give you individual attention. But if you aren’t easy conversation, you will never be close. You will never be the person they contact preferably over someone else. Chats with you will be acts of kindness and patience. Not friendship.
I have had the luck to experience other things, so its not impossible to find friends even with different communication styles (even if it is much harder, at least its close friendship)
I understand the patterns described. The fictional book by Gabrielle Zevin, Tomorrow And Tomorrow And Tomorrow, might be of interest. ( Although this was just mentioned in response to the comment by Benni777, this book also applies to yours, since the aspects of nonverbal gestures and gaming comradery are a part of friendships, too).
I think that sums up my relationship with my coworkers pretty well.
I find this too. I might attach to a group but find myself for ever on the periphery of it. It never goes beyond the surface because I don’t have the tools.
I'm sorry you've had this experience. I've felt that way at times, particularly if the wider group are quite socially superficial people. But in other groups I've definitely had acceptance and built friendships even though my conversation style is not always light and easy. But some people love upfront and deeper talk - those are often our people. Often it's a cultural thing, there are people from some cultures I bond with easily and I'm bicultural and one side is a lot easier to be in than the other.
One on one for sure
I think if we talk in a group ALL the time. It just feels like IDK the REAL person behind each group member
Anyone else?
Im just wandering,... how does this work? What do I have to say to get past the "small talk" ? Do you ask someone 's phonenumber ? Sorry... really in the dark with this...
I know it's a tiny, silly, unimportant question, but since you're using this kind of presentation your perfectly focused wall is great but you're blurred and it's disconcerting and taking my attention from the real gist I want to pay attention to ( you speaking). I know not that easy with modern cameras but it'd be nice to get you and your amazing message back in focus in order to avoid aspi distractions if possible.
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👎🏼
It is the case
I don’t know if I have ever gone beyond surface level with anyone because I don’t know how 😅
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
My aspie D 23 is pretty, kind, intelligent, quirky....................naieve. vulnerable, lonely. Her peer groups (nt's and autistic) ignore or avoid her. She only relates to some people who are much older or much younger so she stays safe with me her Mum. I love her with all my ❤ but she needs good friends of her own age to go with to the cinema or swimming etc. These activities don't appeal to her peers.
Slightly off-topic, but your hairline looks better than in the past.. possibly dyed hair as well? Hair fibres? Is it just the lighting? What's your secret as my hairline is thinning/receding, of course there's minoxidil/finasteride but that's a long-term commitment. But on topic, I prefer being alone as I feel I can be myself, do what I want and no one judging me .. can wear any old clothes at home, not have to think about my appearance.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
Audio is a bit echoey and muffled in this video
You are so incredibly similarly to me
Geocaching. There's always something to do together without awkward social situations. And caching in groups allows one to be part of a community without singling them out.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
What is couch surfing?
💯
I started Joker laughing at this because, from my own experience, I desperately crave connection, but people run the f@#$ away as soon as they sniff the autism.
All that shit with "DM me at telegram" is a scam, an internet fraud using Paul's channel. Don't fall for it people
I can relate all too well. 🙁 I hope you meet someone who doesn't run just because you're autistic.
I find people aren’t really interested.. they don’t mind talking about themselves but aren’t interested in me.. they just don’t care.. and I’m talking about neurotypical people here…
Genuine friendship is a myth
I'm sorry you feel that way. What's causing that?
@@untitled6087 I've had some close friends that have travelled, partied and even lived with me. We've gone through great times and bad times together. But then they've found a spouse and got kids.
I'm 42 now and alone 😞
From personal experience: it is real, but it is rare.
😢🎉😮❤😅😊
You know when a "friendship" is dying on its legs when you lose interest in what the person opposite you is rattling on about, don't care about the minutiae of their lives and begin wondering how you can extricate yourself from the situation without having the "its not you, its me" conversation to spare their feelings. What you really want to say is "you bore me". Instead you say the cat died and I need time alone to grieve ( for the next decade).
Please excuse me if I misunderstood something in your rather interesting comment.
In my experience, it's far better to simply state, that you're sorry, but you no longer find this subject interesting and cannot engage. It may sting the other person, but they'll get over it much faster, than if you pretend to be "friends" with them, and suddenly just drop out of sight and shut off all communication avenues without warning. The latter can feel like a betrayal of the worst kind, and can take a long time to get over.
Reasonable people, even when in deep waters, would be capable of respecting that on some level.
Please bear in mind, that I'm not trying to "pretend to be better" - I've made the above mistake a number of times, and will probably commit it again, namely in situations, where I'm under too much pressure myself to cope with the situation in a good way. I'm simply stating, what I feel could be the better way, under circumstances that allow for it.
😂😂😂. Arthur, I love your sense of humor! We’ve all been in those situations. What you describe is very common and in my view is a failure on the speakers part to attune to the listener. I’m an introverted NT from a neurodiverse family and in a neurodiverse marriage.
😂 love this! And tragically soooo relatable!
no im sorry someone shouting and swearing isnt just "weird and a bit out of the box"
people get scared that person might be actually dangerous
me walking around the supermarked with my dooner around me in bare feet singing a tune and doing little dances is a bit out of the box
Please get a microphone 🎤 🙏🏻
Hmm do we really finde frindes...
Sucks when you don't want friends.
Don't look for friends. It's pointless.
What a tragic life.. geez