Coming out of your closet | Ash Beckham | TEDxBoulder
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- Опубликовано: 15 окт 2013
- Ash discusses the current state of homophobia in our culture challenging even the word "homophobia" itself. There is no fear, just loathing. Hating things we don't understand, people we don't know or anything that is different than our day to day.
"Homophobic" people are not scared of anything. We all have a responsibility to live our lives as active activists not passive ones when it comes to protecting our fellow humans from hate of any kind.
Videography credits
Jenn Calaway, Enhancer
Michael Hering, Lodo Cinema
Sarah Megyesy, Side Pocket Images
Satya Peram, Flatirons Films
Sean Williams, RMO Films
Anthony Lopez, Cross Beyond
David Oakley
Too much blood has flown from the wrists of people afraid to show who they really are. This is unacceptable.
True
I'm one of those persons
6:01 - 'when you keep the truth about yourself a secret, you're essentially holding a grenade.'
This bit hit me
That story about the little girl was amazing. Sometimes kids can be the most clear-sighted of us.
The problem is when a kid asks a question that might seem impolite you have to remember the source... they're not coming to the conversation with the political, social, economic baggage adults have been straddled with in modern society.
It's like my stepson when my eldest daughter was born, he was 6 and his mum had just had a baby 6 weeks before me. He kept asking "are my brother and sister, brother and sister?" and people were getting annoyed with him.
Then we took my stepsons out and he asked me. I just said to him "No, but do you understand why?" he shook his head so I explained "Your brother is your brother because you have the same mummy, your sister is your sister because you have the same daddy, but your brother's mummy and daddy are mummy and [his daddy] and your sister's mummy and daddy are me and daddy." and he was cool about it.
He wasn't interested in family politics, he didn't understand why this was a bad question (which it's not anyway!) it didn't take much for him to get it.
Claire Harris-Bullows Ugh, that's terrible. A child should be commended for asking questions, not chastised or otherwise penalized. That sort of reaction would impair their ability and willingness to learn; after all, how are they supposed to learn about the world around them without questions?
David Hernandez How was she "chastising or otherwise penalizing" the children at all? If anything she has been a very open stepmother (and mother) who is willing to answer questions when they are asked. If this is an accurate representation of events, then she very much taught them about the "world around them" as much as they can understand at their age. All of that would have, and hopefully did, encourage more questions in the future.
Garlish I believe David Hernandez was referring to people getting annoyed with Claire's son, not Claire herself.
I used this video in order to break the ice with my dad about my bisexuality.
He found out by accident, as did my religious family, and we had a huge blow up. He told me I was dishonouring and selfish for not thinking about how it makes my family feel, and how I don't know anything because I'm so young. I was hurt, I thought he had made so much progress and openly had such a different perspective about the world and about LGBT communities, especially considering how liberal my sisters and I are, and now I felt betrayed. I think sometimes it's typical that parents are "whatever" about it until they find out that one of their own kids is not heterosexual, or is transgender, and I was so upset that I was one of those kids with those parents. I was mad that I had gone years of being out and never facing bullying or exclusion from my peers, coworkers, siblings -- and now it was finally coming back to bite me. After some time, I went to him, dropped my laptop on his lap with this video and I said "don't talk to me until you've watched this". I had my hard conversation afterwards, and now he defends me against my extended family. I revisit this Ted Talk so often, it's my pick-me-up just when I need it.
+Nacho I support you nacho
+Nacho
You blab your sexual preference to total strangers too.
George Harrison Your statement sounds like it has a negative undertone, I don't really understand... "Blab" makes it sound like I'm telling some secret or something about someone else. I'm sharing my experience and why this is important to me, and why I this Talk was significant. My "preferences", or lack thereof, are not exclusively "sexual" either. I'm not sharing intimidate or graphic details about my romantic life or something.
+Nacho
You are blabbing not only to your family that you
are bi-sexual, but to the entire world, and you have to say to me that you don't get it? My gawd.
What is wrong with you? Just the word "bi-sexual"
itself indicates you are speaking about your private life to people and blabbing about your
sexual preferences. I can't even imagine you
blabbing about your personal life to your parents,
let alone the entire friggen world. It's not the fact
that you are bi-sexual that makes it any problem.
It's the fact of you announcing things so personal
to your family and to the world that makes it so
horrible. I mean no one wants to hear about
someone's personal life. People have eyes and
can see for themselves what's going on, or they
don't. They don't need you to tell them, and it's
really no one's business but your own. When will
people like you 'get it" that none of us, especially
strangers need to know about the personal
details of your private life? Are you really THAT
desperate for attention? Geez.
+George Harrison Honey, Nacho's just sharing a story relevant to the topic of the clip, as well as the reason why that talk might be so inspiring. There's nothing obscene or improper, either in the story, or the word "bisexual".
Really love what she said around 8 minutes in, about how she could go back to her table and make fun of what those people were saying, but instead, she chose to appreciate the fact that they were trying to show support.
palmfrond Exactly! This kind of thoughts is what humanity is lacking!
This inspired me to come out of my closet, my closet which is depression, I've finally spoke out about it, I've finally decided to stop bottling it up, and the support I've received from everyone has been amazing.
Jack Daniels you go first :)
Bro thinks he's tough talking on RUclips 😭 if you ever see me in the streets you better run because I dont play no games.
She's not angry. She's brilliant. This women helps me with just this video. Thank you, Ash!
Nah
Well, this was a truly inspirational talk and applies to everyone regardless of their sexuality. Hard is not relative, Hard is Hard.
I was going to say the same thing!
I disagree
A friend shared this link with me; so thrilled she did. Cried through most of it. I'll never know what it's like coming out as a lesbian, but I came out as an atheist to my devout Southern Baptist family. I lost some family for it...we all have our closets and as hard as they are to walk out of, we must.
Something she said ...Kudos. "The only story that matters... is the one you want to write."
What people often forget, conveniently sometimes, is that the 'human condition' is universal.
Everyone has something. Something that hurts, something that helps, something that raises up, something that beats down, and the deep abiding fear that there is something wrong with them that everyone will hate them for when it comes to light.
We feel as if we are in a leaking boat, adrift in a vast sea, and no one is looking for us. When in fact we are all bobbing around in the water, within arms reach of each other, and no where near alone on a planet with 8 billion people on it.
Thank you Ash for sharing your insights.
This for me is not about homophobia. My closet was that I was mentally unwell. Depression, anxiety and OCD were my picks from the catalogue. Imagine my dismay to be blamed when someone very close to me fobbed off my "coming out" moment with a throw away line of "You'll get over it." I have never been able to get over that comment. I wish I could but it burns every time I see that person or just think about them. Ever since that time I have been passionate about sharing my story with the hope that it helps others come out of their closet.
Such a powerful speech... Ash just helped motivate me to stick my middle fingers up at haters and just live!
I don't think that's what she wants people to do. It sounds like she chose to "have the hard talk" rather than....as she puts it....go militant on some one. But than again....it's your choice.
Sounds like you are the hater if you are going to be sticking up middle fingers at people hey!!
Milan Pavkovic
I'm sorry you didn't get the very simple point I was making. So, allow me to rephrase myself: Ash just helped me understand it's okay to be myself and not let anybody stand in the way.
^ I hope that's easy enough to understand.
Don't be sorry. I got your simple point the first time. I just don't agree friend.
Milan Pavkovic You don't agree that people should be able to be themselves?
If you wanna be real with somebody, expect real back. And never apologize for who you are. Loved this talk, Ash is just amazing❤
Is
I would always watch this video when I was feeling bad about my self . Or just didn't feel like I would ever feel comfortable coming out .. Coming out isn't easy . But it's worth it. And you will feel so much better after doing it.
S
I can fully identify with what this woman is saying because I've been there and done that and I'm lucky I don't have any scars because of it. She is right we all have our own closets.
A good friend one time asked me whats the difference between being in a rut, in a closet and in a grave? I didn't have an answer for him. His answer floored me "Nothing, they are all the same the only things that changes is the size." It took me a while to grasp what he had said... now it's your turn. Blessings all, be well and be safe
Sie
This message, I felt, is more than a discussion on homophobia. She even said it herself. It's about being afraid and scared to tell someone anything of a major importance to you, whether be that you're gay, that you have cancer, even that you're pregnant. This is an AWESOME message for everyone.
I'm the 11th word in yo sentence
Here is what I get when I tell people that I'm gay (Been out of closet since I was 16): "I know a girl from church who is gay.. she is nice" "Ellen Degeneres is so cool" "You don't *look* gay" "You're too pretty to be gay " "Oh wow. I think I might be gay too, how do you know if you are?" lol Completely awkward sometimes and random responses. I know they feel obligated to say something and think they are trying to be nice, so I let it go. One day I feel as though it will be as normal as telling people you are Catholic or vegetarian. Coming soon to a mind-set near you!
#1 Be Authentic, you want someone to be real with you, you got to be real with them too. We all bleed.
#2 Be Direct, You are who you are, say it. Don't give half answers that give people false hope.
#3 Be Unapologetic: Apologize for mistakes you make, but NEVER apologize for who you are.
~Ash Beckham.
Love it, thank you Ash.
Ratioooo
"Stupid Hypothalamus" ... 9:13 ... Hilarious! The entire talk was fantastic - thank you!
I was there once, and I know exactly what she means, and it was a sad and dark place, but when I finally got my life, by that I mean I left my parents house, I just didn't care anymore, and then I was really happy, and to all the haters, I don't really care about them, because what they think or say makes 0 difference in my life, especially when they say "You are not gay, you don't "look" like one, god will save you. that's the hint that they know nothing and yet plays as they hold all the answers,before being gay/straight/white/black we are all people and people are different, and it's incredible like everyone seems know how to live your life, instead of living theirs, but as they say,it's always easy to judge when you are standing on the sidelines...
I am so terrified to come out of this dark place I'm in, all I can do is watch my life flash by through this tiny key hole and it's not even funny at all. But I tell you what, that day will come, I'll let the light in to see the colors on my walls, they probably look outstandingly beautiful...God strengthen me.
+Mlamuli Phungula It's a journey. Do it when you are ready and feel comfortable with yourself and 'sexuality'.
+Sinethemba Dywili Thank you, I feel like I'm almost comfortable now, as I use to shiver a little when the subject of homosexuality was raised, but now I talk about it openly...I've let some of my friends in, next thing I'll be moving on to family, but of course I have to be comfortable enough and be ready for anything.
+Mlamuli Phungula
You came out of your mothers womb when you were
born. That's the main dark place.
I loved this speech. I'm a pretty boring straight middle aged midwestern mom but I think she had an awesome point, a well delivered and moving speech.
+Palyne Gaenir - Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and think about it. We're nowhere without our allies.
Bro thinks he's tough talking on RUclips 😭 if you ever see me in the streets you better run because I dont play no games.
Thanks Ash! This is one of the best videos I have listened to. Eloquent, simple and understandable, but so deep, so thanks. Thanks.
This is fantastic. I'm a bit unhappy with how often people see their own struggles as more relevant than others. Hard conversations need to be had. Between people and in culture as a whole. Empathy is possibly one of the most valuable parts of communication and it's amazing how little of it is used day to day.
Ratic
This should be thought at schols.. Like, world wide, in exact this way!
#truth
Ash Beckham, you might have just changed/saved my life, so thanks.
This is a beautiful and powerful message. For me my closet is the broomcloset and it's hard to deal with it when all the people you love and your entire family is Christian. Whatever YOU are going through and whatever YOUR closet is, just remember that people fear what they don't know or what they don't understand. But know that you are still a beautiful, strong and worthy individual because of your uniqueness, because your scars and imperfections gives you depth and character. And those things equates a life lived fully and fearlessly. I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes by Anthony Hopkins "My philosophy is: It's none of my business what other people say of me or think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything."
This is a video all should see.
This was one of the most touching videos I've watched this year. Ash speaks some very confronting home truth's, yet we've all been there at least once and it's nice to know that at the end of the day, we're all human. Thanks for sharing Ash!
"In the dark, you can't tell what colour the walls are. You just know what it feels like, to live in a closet." Sadly so relatable.
i LOVE this. he demeanor while speaking irradiates such a peace and clarity amidst a crisis.. its just inspiring. Also.. i cant picture her in pony tail and heels hehe.
You literally just saved my life. As a gay hiv+ male, I was ready to kill myself. After watching this, I'm getting help.
Hope you are doing better
🙏🏽🙏🏽 you good?
THIS is truly awesome. What Ash talks about is universal- difficult conversations and being real. (It's not actually about homophobia, as the description notes (which is a limitation and a shame).) What she has to say is worth the 11 minutes.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
I honestly love this video so much, and I really think that the issues covered in it are so eloquently covered. It has inspired me to create a speech for English on a similar topic, so thank you for this
Brilliant! We can all say yeah well duh but putting this methodology into practice is much harder than it sounds. We must have those hard conversations and move on to truly life our lives.
Thank you, amazing , insightful and courageous !
Great message!
The point about not bashing on those who are trying is really poignant. Far too often, activists bash allies or supporters or simply people who do not belong to a certain group for not knowing everything immediately.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
This is so beautiful. Not only in her fluidity and confidence in how she presents, but really... I hear of the relief people find when someone epitomizes a feeling they've never been able to put into words, and this video was that moment for me. She articulates everything I've ever wanted to say to my dad in my whole life, and when he and my whole paternal family found out about my bisexuality, it exploded into this huge war I only thought I'd ever read about and never have to experience first hand... and now I have the words to confront him, for myself. Thank you.
Her mentioning cancer really resonated with me as I lost friends when I had cancer. This is so common as to be expected, according to the blogosphere! I started to be a bit more careful of talking about it, my personality means that I was never in the closet about it, but I can see that some people would be.
What a great video. I hope that more people can open their heart and hear your message. Peace.
What an amazing and brave lady. I've watched this three times now and could watch it another ten and still feel the same. Let freedom ring
✨8:00-8:20 was the most powerful part of her speech.✨ It was about love and acceptance.💕I'm super girly and people judge me for that, but it's just who I am💁🎀👑.
This speech was one of the most insightful and unexpected things I've ever heard. It was so full of wisdom. It really hit home with what I have been going through over my religious beliefs and I never thought of it as "a closet" but it certainly is. After "dying" in a car wreck and having an experience that went against what I was taught to believe, I kept my new beliefs inside so I could be accepted by people. It was like living in my own personal hell, and I'm sure that is what is felt by anyone living in their own closet. After many years and just a few months ago, I finally decided to face the music and started talking more openly around those I love but that I knew would probably never accept me. And I'm learning to be ok with that. Ash Beckham really helped me see things from a new perspective. Hard isn't relative. Hard is just hard. We all have more in common than we probably think as we work to have more happiness and peace of mind in our lives. I have great respect and appreciation for Ash, her wisdom and insight that helped her keep the clip on the grenade and deflate those situations that could have gone very differently!
Good job and very insightful Ash. Being authentic and true to our self is the only way to find any real happiness, and it makes life so much easier to not live a lie.
The story about the little girl was the cutest ^^
If only it were that easy with everyone
I'm so glad I watched this. I saw it when it was first uploaded and I knew I had a closet to come out of but didn't know what it was. Finally found out I have asperger's and I've been able to bust down the door to my closet. It really is no place to live for anyone.
Excellent message.
As an odd aside; I found her voice and cadence incredibly relaxing. Could listen to her speaking forever.
Luuving Mr Rogers at 9:37! Hah! This was a really moving piece. You are absolutely right, everyone has a closet. Thank you for sharing your gift!
I have been asked the same question many times over the years and i always answered Yes and left it at that.
This is the most touching and inspiring video I have ever seen and it has helped me explain to my children the same questions that they ask my gay and lesbian friends. Thank you so much for this post.
This was truly liberating best preech/speech I've ever heard.just fantastic.good job.
I'm 17 and I'm am fully out as a lesbian at school. At home and to other family members I'm not. It's hard to come out when you know they won't react well to it. But it's who I am. Thank you so much for this :) you make it seem a little less scary.
+Jazzcal99 15 I dont think you have anything to worry about with the men in your family. Unless they literally live in church all day. Dont know about how female family members feel about homosexuality though. I'd tell the men first.
you my lady are an inspiration and you speak the truth !!!
I learned in my life that we should be respectful for what we really are at any circumstance and never hide anything about our true character. Thanks for Nice Message.
great talk , I notice in the comments , empathy is a quality
a lot of people still don't have a grasp of .
Wondering if you are around my age, because I said on another comment that I have noticed how much empathy and caring about other's hurts seems to have all but disappeared. The ol' "look out for number one" seems to be the loudest cry of the day anymore. I totally agree with you! Take care
Mary Mclocke have empathy for me or is that sympathy ,ha ha , I'm turning 57 in a few days .
Rick Salt Happy birthday early or late.. I'll be 61 in September....You're still a youngin' haha/.. We're not old, we're "medium."//My grandkids buy that! :) Take care!
amazing.
I understand the struggle, it makes us all stronger to go through all that we do in this thing we call life.
Damn! Straight or gay, doesn't matter. This. Was. Amazing.
Then something just snapped, something inside of me. “No! No more! That’s it! I don’t care!” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about being better than Kakarott. I didn’t care about being a super Saiyan. I didn’t care if I lived! I didn’t care about anything
Such a beautiful delivery of your powerful message. Thank you so much.
Can't believe I met her at the NJ GSA Forum yesterday! :D She was so cool!
I loved this... Esp "the only story that matters is the one you want to write." Thanks for the inspiration!
A brilliant talk. Relevant to all of us. "That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write."
Amazing. Truly the best TED Talk I have ever heard. Powerful in its simplicity. My only criticism would be to the uploader and the misleading description of the video. This is not a discussion on homophobia at all. I would urge you to correct this and as a result, allow more people to enjoy the universal truths of what Ms Beckham has to share.
Gee, God, thanks. This was said perfectly and poignantly. So many people waste their entire lives afraid to be themselves. So many. I welded my closet shut by force of will. I am a coward. I blame my parents but not so much as I blame myself. This speech is the speech we all need to be able to make but which all of us tragically are not actually able to make. For fear, for shame, for dread of the spectre of despair. You are brave and right - we are cowards and wrong and that's all there is about it.
This is the 5382058th time I have shared this with a friend. Hands down my favorite Tedtalk. Hard is hard is hard.... I have to remind my self often.
One of the best speeches so far. Thank you so much :)
Beautiful. Thank you. I don't know of a single person who is not trapped in one closet or another. Never be afraid or ashamed of your TRUTH.
This talk was great. Thank you so much for the upload.
I loved the story with the little girl. Kids rarely judge anybody; they just want to be loved and have fun.
I love this. I have my own closet and it's not sexuality and therefore, until this talk, I minimized my experience. My experience is. . . hard. Like yours and yours. Thank you for sharing.
My heart is so wide open ...thank you for your courage...
"All a closet is is a hard conversation." Love it!
This speech was so Beautiful, I'm so happy I watched it;.;
Incredibly touching. It went straight to the heart.
I liked the fact that hard isn't relative. It's so liberating to accept that I am not the only one in coming out situation. Hard conversations can have multiple situations.
Great TedX talk, Ash!
#1 - Authenticity ... Absolutely!
THIS IS SO AMAZING I'M CRYING HAPPY TEARS AND GAAAAAHHHH LOVE THIS VIDEO!
This is beautiful, Ash. Thank you so much for showing up and helping us see our own closets and how we can throw our grenades with grace!
I loves this! Your words are so powerful! I quoted you on a few things for a debate speech on homosexuality for my English class! It made me have chills!
Thank you so much for such great message and wisdom that you bring to the human kind. I look forward that your messages reverberate in the hearts of every lost soul around the world and find comfort in your words. We are no alone, we just need to talk. Thanks
Fantastic speech here and so very true. Hard is not relative. Hard is hard.
Awesomeness beyond words. Wow - just wow.
Thanks so much for this :)
Rainbows are amazing! Thank you for making this. This can really help people who are struggling with themselves!
I really needed this tonight.
This is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
Still love this. Helps me remember that sometimes the "pancake girl" in front of me is just asking a very simple questions, not challenging me to a duel at daybreak :)
Brilliant and so true! Thanks Ash!
Well done, Ash! Great people do not fulfill our expectations they change them. You did thid for me. Thank you!
This is powerful poetry, "There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard, to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard."
Thank you!!! Love this!
Hardest convo I have ever had was with my daughter when I found out she is bi. I was at that "table of politically correct old people trying to find the appropriate thing to say" I have never been so grateful for her understanding.
What an inspirational speech! This is amazing, thank you.
This was just so inspiring. ^^
Thanks for posting this. It was very inspiring :)
There's another lessons here other then importance of coming out. The story regarding the little girl shows how ones perception of predicted behavior of others is warped when under stress.
Luckily she had the presence of mind to not verbally assault a kid with an inquiry. If Ash did berate her she may had confirmed bigoted ideals the little girl may or may not be being bombarded with. This would have likely contributed to a prejudicial view of lesbians due to one little incident. Ash being polite and informative to the girl adds one data point refuting the notion that gay people are evil.
Plus you also don't want to punish a kids genuine curiosity regardless of the topic. Kids need data to crunch to understand the world to do that they need to ask question that might be deemed inappropriate.
Love love love this!!
Beautiful speech. Really made me think about my struggles
I love listening to Ash Beckham speak.