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How to “keep” the avoidant
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- Опубликовано: 6 июн 2024
- #avoidant #avoidantattachment #insecureattachment #relationship #attachment #dismissiveavoidant #dating #fearfulavoidant #relationshipcoach #situationship #heartbroken #emotionallyunavailable #breakup #discard #divorce #anxiousattachment
Sounds like he's as fed up with avoidants as I am.
😂😂😂😂😂
Let the avoidant go. What you describe is unacceptable. It's better to be alone!
You don't keep them. You let them go.
👏👏👏
🙌🙌🙌🙌
Yes absolutely. I do not want a patient, I want a partner. Other channels want you to become their therapist. No way. I Ended it sent them to therapy.
Most professionals I've come across sympathise with the avoidant and are accusatory toward the anxiously attached person. Thank you for not being like that. Your videos are helping me heal from being discarded. I feel less and less like used tissue and better about myself.
True, a healthy relationship requires emotional connection where both partners have to feel safe. When only one puts in the effort it becomes overwhelming.
This is your best video! One week of happiness for every 3 months of pain, confusion, and anxiety. It's hard to let go when you're in love, especially when they actually were vulnerable with you. However, immediately following the emotional intimacy came breadcrumbing, ghosting and stonewalling while he started 3 surface level relationships. Craziest, most confusing dating experience of my life 🤯
I hear you. Happened to me, also, over a period of four years. Never again!😂
I experienced something similar. It's been so hard to move on but I'm finally feeling ready to let go
That's what happened to me. 2 years of this bs. I went in Securely Attached and came out Anxiously (and losing my mind) Attached.
It's been 3 months (after discard #3) and I'm still a fkg mess; barely able to recognize myself.
R U N.
Just run.
I feel you. I was only in for 5 months. And boy the hurt was unlike anything ive ever felt. I DID NOT know this level of emotional pain can exist. The wound will heal but the scar will always remain.
It was only a half a year, but ended up half a year in therapy (weekly) . Now I more or less fine, but vulnerable still. I had almost every mark of narcissitic abuse. I believe it was the most painful and challenging thing mentally I ever overcome. I cried rivers, wanted to seize to exists. Everyday I did researches about narc abuse, healing, etc, and went almost all my energy to it. I did my life beside this on autopilot.
And all of these still not describes fully the experience. I got to a point when some of my female colleague was a bit louder, I got triggered, because I did not feel safe around them, instant emotional flashback. I even had to leave the office to be alone and started crying miserably. And I'm a 30+ years old male.
Well said Coach ❤
I don’t understand why some coaches on utube keep enabling the DA behaviour and giving misleading advice to those who have been victims of them as if it is their fault 😤😠
👏👏 👏 Totally agree! They are hurting people with those videos. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship much longer than I would have otherwise because of those bad advice videos. I ended up damn near crazy from trying all their advice, stuffing my own emotions and needs trying to placate my avoidant. Their advice is very harmful, UNETHICAL, and is damaging people, I believe. I feel very lucky to have figured it out and to have found Coach Dan for support! If I hadn't seen the light, seen how far I'd sunk into keeping my avoidant from bolting, I'd have become a mousy, nail biting ball of anxiety. I was already avoiding leaving the house for longer than 20 min out of fear I'd come home and he'd be packed and gone, as he'd done multiple times before. He was super sick, and i was quickly becoming so. And we can't fix avoidants, they have to want to fix themselves, and enabling them only makes it worse. I am very disgusted by these other quacks propagating the toxic "here's how to keep / get them back (I.e. enable them while ignoring our needs) vids, PREYING on vulnerable, hurting people who genuinely seeking help and also want to learn how to help their loved one. It's deceptive, a vicious trap, and should be criminal!
Coach Dan, what can we do besides help make your channel popular and stop our watching/subscriptions to the junk?
Geezus.
Just forget it.
I feel healthier already.
I just want to say that one thing I like about your videos is that you go against the, often seen, grain of needing to bend over backwards to cater to the avoidant's needs. Too many social media "coaches" preach things like "Oh, well, you just need to understand the avoidant and work to meet their needs!" Uh, no, no we don't. A relationship is 50/50. You are supposed to meet that person halfway. Why the hell would I extend myself to doing 100% of the work permanently while they get what they want doing 0%. I feel sympathy for avoidants to the extent that their trauma's are not their fault, but they are their responsibility. All the pain they feel inside, they transfer that to their ex's when they lead people on, only to discard. If avoidants actually took accountability, did self-reflection, and made positive changes to become healthier/secure partners, then I may change my stance. To any avoidants reading this, get off dating apps and go to therapy.
EXACTLY 💯
I second this 110% get off dating apps and work on yourself!
Word thank you for this. The oxymoron is avoidants upon reading this will just generally say "this is just me, its not that i have issues"
@@johndoe8923-k2d I agree. It's hard for them to know anything different when this has been their whole life as "normal." A lot of these avoidants are entering their 30s and 40s. A lot of them are just mentally ingrained that they are just "too independent" for relationships and that the problem is everyone else is "too needy." To them, its unfathomable that they are missing out (on healthy relationships) because they've never had one and they don't know what they are missing out on. It's like saying "man, everyone loves ice cream, but idk, I don't think I need to try it even though I've literally never eaten ice cream in my whole life before."
Message approved🎉 say it louder for the avoidant at the back. This coach's videos pop up on my feed after leaving a FA then learning about attachment styles , glad I got out of it I see comments from people who stayed years with an avoidant preaching about the problems they bring. This coach is the only "coach" out here keeping it real and not teaching secure attachment people to bend over backwards for an avoidant, he is a constant dose of reality for anyone who crosses paths with an avoidant.
Anxious types leave now if you're not already, you'll be a f###ing mess being ran through with all that avoidant behaviour and look years older than you are😮. Secure types...well I know you're not gonna entertain an avoidant for long 😊
Thank you so much for saying that about other relationship advisors/coaches because that’s what kept me with my dismissive avoidant for so long despite my cousin constantly saying ‘but what about you and your needs’. I’m an anxious attacher and chronic people pleaser and i was ok abandoning my needs thinking i needed to grow, i’m more secure than he is, i just need to be patient, our love is worth fighting and being patient for. He told me he never had feelings (we were ‘casual’ but acted like we were in a relationship when we met up, deeply intimate and vulnerable with me, claimed me in public physically, spa weekends, planned holidays etc.) and was something he said everytime i professed my feelings for him and not wanting to be casual. And he emotionally cheated on me these last two months but lied about it and pushed me to end things saying ‘he doesn’t feel what i feel and i know this, i’m asking too much of him and he just wants sexual encounters’. It was only later i found out about the other woman..
Sometimes i feel this is my fault because he told me he doesn’t feel that way for me and i carried on..but then i remember him manipulating me saying how much he misses me and wants to see where this goes and doesn’t want to lose me..the romantic and emotionally intimate dates we had, the amount of physical affection he gave me and how safe he said i made him feel…
You are a hero! I just unfollowed a person who calls himself an avoidant expert. Things he would have an avoidant partner do did not sit right in my spirit. I could say so much more but I want to focus on your videos. I was secure and got into a push pull with an avoidant. I became anxious. I finally was able to fully let go and choose my dignity to save me. I’m working on me to heal and it’s been great to feel free from what felt like chains on my soul. Thank you everyday for showing us it’s not our fault on how they acted toward us.
Just want to back what you say, you said it well, it is "enabling"! Where are all the videos for avoidant to watch about how to understand, coddle and placate and walk on eggshells and manipulate and enable anxious attackers? After all, it's the avoidant who made us that way!
Agree!! I'm pulling myself out IMMEDIATELY
I unfollowed that "avoidant expert" as well. He's mostly in it for the $$. Check out what he charges for 1 session.
@@bumblebee74911 wow that’s a crook! Hopefully he gets exposed for being a crook only in it for the money and not genuine.
You made this make sense! Thank you! I knew no one was ever that busy. He was just ghosting every time we got more intimate. Wow. Bread crumbs yes!
If you haven't heard today...
You are so very loved
and you are so very worthy of love.
The hardest part is learning to love your self
and to know: it's not all your fault,
and to see: that you're beautiful;
wonderfully perfectly brilliantly created.
You're stronger than most;
a true leader/warrior in the making.
Keep going and keep thanking.
Remember Jesus was an outcast
and he suffered more
than any human being could ever endure...
And the most important message hear is to forgive them
and to forgive yourself
and to love all.
Keep walking in truth.
If you're avoidant,
you most likely have said to family members
who had a major role in your childhood:
"You only accepted me or liked me
when I was happy/obedient/emotionless."
This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms
of avoidant attachment:
1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)
2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave
but can't always ask for
3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems
4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent
or even getting bullied and teased/mocked
5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)
Remember ALWAYS
this process is all about YOU!!!
Not him. He is just a catalyst.
Consider,
he may be your twin flame.
Look into that.
After he initiated your trauma,
you're now left to deal with
and to heal: all that has come to the surface.
GOOD! This is a blessing.
Albeit painful. A necessary blessing, nonetheless.
HUGE-HUGE gift!
Major advice!!!
Listen closely!!!
NEVER ever
CHASE HIM.
He will run further
and you will lose yourself more.
You are the feminine.
You are the divine goddess.
You just be
and approve (or disapprove)
whoever comes along.
It's a yes: you meet my requirements,
or: it's a no,
you do not.
Be clear
on whom you're accepting as a partner
and DO NOT settle for less
(or you just delay what's meant for you).
Accept your struggle, anxiety, fear, sadness. Whatever comes up.
It's all human, and in need of your attention.
If you push it away, block it, or run from it...
You will just have to deal with it later...
1) Put yourself first and foremost!
2) Fall in love with yourself. Be your own dream girl.
Glow up and level up. Be the best version of yourself.
3) Rejection is redirection. Embrace the energies of miraculous possibilities.
And,
Any time you have a painful thought/memory/flashback/worry/belief:
1. Find the belief...
2. Write 11 DISADVANTAGES to having the belief
3. Write 11 ADVANTAGES to having the belief
If you can NOT find advantages
then that’s EXACTLY why you're stuck!!
When you finally see both sides...
Your mind will STOP thinking about it
'cause your brain will be rewired.
So you gotta keep at it,
until you find the positive
to the negative...
And therefore, ultimately
rewire your brain!
AND REMEMBER:
STOP making it all about manifestation
when really, it's actually all about VIBRATION!
Thank you ❤
What do you mean vibration?
@1:26 my issue too these other "coaches" give advice that will turn you into an avoidant. You continue to keep it real Ryan, you're the only one in these RUclips streets that's not about enabling the avoidant. This is the place for secure attachment types and those trying to get it back after dealing with an avoidant. If you look at Ryan's comment section the avoidant types stay clear 😂 there over there on other channels that help enable them, and justifying their behaviour they cant handle it here 💯. I'm empathetic to their behaviour as far as seeing the trauma is not their fault, but their response to it while in a relationship totally is 😏
Totally agree!! Where are all the vids telling avoidant how to understand, coddle, walk on eggshells, do this don't do that (manipulate), placate, and enable anxious attachers?! After all, they're the ones who made us this way. Maybe they should be chasing us!
100% Exactly! I've seen all of those 'expert' vids and what you should/shouldn't do. I've taken a lot of their advice and now I literally feel even more stupid and walked on. Coach Ryan is the one with the best, most helpful advice by far!
Very good video, congratulations.
I had no idea that this was what I was dealing with I tried looking for answers but this was before people were really talking about attachment style. This was my existence for 27 years until I was finally discarded
This is the best video by far. Gives me clarity. I’ve spent 5 years trying to pursue a relationship with my son’s mother. She has probably left me around 20 times throughout these years and each one hurts as much as the first. I’m going through it right now once again. I need to be strong enough to say no next time she tries to seduce me back into again, because once I’m in I’m out again. I’m then gaslighted and told she’s never loved me and just uses me. Which I now believe to be true. Wish me luck next time she comes around 😅
Changing your name to “Coach Hammer” cause you hit this right on the head and drove it home. I recognized there were issues and got stone walled. I believe she was trying but by the time I educated myself she was gone. Your life is too short and precious to waste it on anyone who won’t confront their issues and work with you to resolve them in order to form a more perfect union. I recognize it takes two and I even discovered my own issues regrettably it was too late. If someone won’t meet you half way…run.
Thank you for honoring the hurt that one feels after all of the love and efforts to serve the avoidant have been devalued. You are right, friends and family, although they knew that the avoidant wasn't my ideal partner, don't understand the hurt. Therefore, even hurting and healing seems like a lonely process. You compassionately speak in a way that gives me permission to feel the pain. However, the knowledge you convey lessens the pain a little, honestly.
I never knew how he is that there was a name for it! Definitely making me anxious and feeling like i cant be me or ask for emotional closeness because its too much for him!! To hell with this! Im not pushing my needs/wants to the side for him! My happiness matters!! Thanks for REAL EYE OPENER
This video speaks volumes. I appreciate this perspective, much needed and appreciated.
You can't be authentic. You can't be authentically you. They will run. They will be triggered. Is that what you want?
@5:27 everyone who has left an avoidant or thinking of it listen to this part again, you know the answer.
This is my favorite video of yours (so far)! Thank you for the "tough love" tone of this message. You totally nailed it, it definitely resonated and you truly gave me a new perspective to consider.
I got out in time.
@2:48 secure attachment types pull up this part and listen once more. Get out before they mess you up.
If you are with an avoidant you are going to be avoiding date nights when they flake out on you hours before the date.
I’m at my wits end. 2.5 yrs of this toxic abusive bs. She’s going to be a lonely old woman. No guy will put up with this, and it will happen to the next guy and the guy after that
By the way my avoidant ex is 56 going on 14
... Or minutes before the date
Yeppp that's why I'm not sitting in this trap any longer
They can trigger your every single fear just don't trigger theirs....selfish!
Well said! You writing this helped me see it in my own relationship. Thank you! 😊
Helll yeahh
Absolutely!!!!
I've been watching all the videos and reels about avoidant attachment. because my ex who I've decided to end up was avoidant. I'm not get over him at all still hoping miracle happen but this video hits me more than any other things. deep down me know it's not right that I'm still hoping but like you said was I enjoying all the things? NO i don't wanna do that again. but why I can't stop thinking
Have compassion for yourself. It's freaking hard. I'm just finally coming out of mine. It's okay to miss them. The book attached helped me remove the personalization of it and allowed me to create my own closure thru understanding. Just be patient with yourself fr.
Same here and it's nearly 2 years. I read the book on attachments and watching Ryan's videos and others and my healing process improved
Living this now.
28 year marriage, 20 years of therapy to get to what looks like the middle of the storm. Does not seem to me that therapy is working. So tired, and soooo much more anxious.
Honestly I learned not to hold on too tight. I made that mistake once, and luckily she came back. She's allowed to have her space, and over time she's been taking less and less.
In my first serious relationship when I was 16, my girlfriend at the time was super avoidant. My parents gave me the advice of basically bending one knee and doing whatever it took to please her. What absolutely garbage advice. It made me int oa super anxious people pleasing person. Now it's taking me years of time to undo the damage that was done to me during that 3 year relationship.
What I don’t understand is why does it still hurt when I know clearly that I don’t want him in my life and he is not the one 😮
Rejection hurts what can I say 🤷🏾♀️
So true
He texts me regularly so I don’t feel rejected anymore. But never calls me or comes to see me. Tell me he likes to spend time with me and we can live in hope
I don’t even know what he wants with me 😟
@@Mine4ever-p3r my ex broke up with me last Sunday… let’s keep in mind that this person ghosted me so many times through the relationship! Let’s not talk about his gaslighting and the way he called me “ needy” I was not expecting him to discard me the way he did but let’s face it… people like them are not capable of loving 🥺… my advice to you would be ignore him and move on with your life 🫶🏼 I know it hurts but we gotta be strong ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
@@Mine4ever-p3rPlease, my friend, don't let him string you along. That is what he's doing. Rip the band aid off. I know it hurts 😢 and I'm sorry you're experiencing less than the best treatment. Everyone deserves respect, and being strung along with crumbs is not respectful. Believe you deserve something much better!
No, i gave for 2.5 years,and to be dumped cold thst he only wanted me around for sex. Was unconditional with him. Didnt see him everyday but spent beautiful time together. Came out of the blue.
I miss him dearly,but he has issues i dont think he'll ever get help.
Absolutely correct!
Thank you for your content. It's very helpful.
Excellent content 🎉well done
💯 percent Correct
Thanks for this reminder.. 😇
Iam Fa and i start my healing i was crazy about Da now i do not found him attractive any more i feel he is emotionally weak and always run away
No we not keeping no one that clearly doesn’t want to be kept.
I needed to hear this.
Not entirely true, avoidants do want intimacy and closeness it’s just that they fear it. Total transparency in a relationship where they feel safe can ease those fears and needs can be mutually met. Obviously there might be people with extreme avoidant behaviours, where no headway can be made, but I can’t imagine those partnerships would last long enough to matter.
If the avoidant can't make it happen, it doesn't matter. Like someone who says someday they'll learn a new language, but never actually do the work.
@@a.d.b535 my DA ex was doing the work and our relationship was healthy and amazing for 2.5 years, but there came a point where I needed her for emotional support and she couldn’t manage it, distanced herself which made me nervous/anxious and within a few months she fully deactivated and left me. I never expected it because she was always so steady. She felt like she couldn’t give me what I needed, even though I told her she was, she said she had been the happiest she’d ever been and had never had a better love but walked away anyway. Tragic.
Thank you very much! Have a great weekend!
The only way I feel a person can keep an avoidant is to not care if they go away or not. When you don't care you can't get hurt. You can still love them but you can just simply not care if they leave you or not. But that's kind of a weird relationship. It's kind of a weird way to live. But if you think about it we aren't supposed to be attached to outcomes anyways.
"Not caring" is against your own biology. You can choose to detach from your own needs, but it's ultimately going to leave you unfulfilled & longing for more. You can't over-ride biology.
@@Oralaposteli well said. What kind of relationship is that anyway? to not care. that is not a relationship. That is called being single.
I got it! Great video directed to the point
What's to stop them from avoiding if they're in therapy? He is in therapy but I don't know that he's spearheading anything inconvenient to him
They come back
They’re like cats
Get quieter
It's horrible 😢
I completely catered and they still left *shrug* time to work on my own attachment problems
Same😢
You don’t
I know
What if you're married to an avoidant. Why wont you recommend prayer, God can do miracles and heal people's hearts.
Go look up Adam Lane Smith. He specializes in this.
God also gives you wisdom and discernment
And His plans for their healing may not involve your presence
Good luck lol
Can someone who was secure come out as an avoidant after discard?
Yep. I did for a while,but now I'm working towards being secure
Yes, it happened to me.
Wow ... this is me .. went in secure came out with anxious side .
Our good days were the best ...
If only she could do the work withba counselor
Blocked
pain
nah
The gloves are off.
Why is it all so negative. Why cant you give some good advice, you marry for life, you say till death do us part, why wont you think about that and give people some hope who are married to an avoidant.
The principle, what you said is valuable, but either your partner is a partner to address these issues, or not or even deny them. Since you cannot change others, at some point you have to ask yourself a question. When do you give up for your own sanity? And "never" may sound admirable, in fact it is often not the right answer. I agree, it is sad, but it is true.
this is the real world sweetheart....................... keep eating that candy floss.!