Growing up around narcissistic family members and having been bullied a lot, I tend to question every move and every decision I make because it’s like I’ve been conditioned to believe that everytime something goes wrong, it’s automatically my fault.
I understand its definitely debilitating to have family members that have a negative quality 😢 I believe narcissistic behaviour makes mental health issues worse when you need help from the people that are suppose to be supportive
Yes absolutely paralyzing… this is why I’m always “stuck”…because of being conditioned by my mom first, but the worst has probably been my current husband of 24 years… I’m so overwhelmed with stress from ongoing never ending narcissistic abuse, I have fear of expressing the emotions that I’m *appropriately* feeling towards something or someone’s behavior,..because I’m not permitted to ever. Ever. I end up freezing and essentially silencing myself before that person does. This is what causes so much chaos in me. The every day battle within..I’m frustrated… I’m at the stage where my memories are finally coming back a little (trauma and ongoing stress changes the brain, effects memory, etc etc ) and everything triggers another memory…another memory.. another memory… and nothing ever gets resolved with a narcissist.. so when he was/is being awful (to put it simply) I could not/cannot express my emotions and confront him! That leads to more suppressed emotions and resentment… then when he is on his best fake behavior (usually to manipulate me or a situation) im still triggered by things and mad about something from before…and then because he is being fake , he then wants to know what MY problem is because he “Isn’t even doing anything wrong right now!” He says.. And that makes me feel unnecessarily ashamed and confused… because he is making me feel guilty for not wanting to be fake lovey nice back and pretend everything is fine... I hate it!! I just want him to go.. he left me MULTIPLE times in the beginning of this marriage, and literally threatened to divorce every year of the 24! And NOW he “has nowhere to go” he says so he’s accusing me of “wanting to throw away 24 years without even trying “ 🤮 And he keeps trying to prevent this much needed separation from happening. I have so much resentment and I don’t like the way it makes me feel . But see what I’m doing? I’m allowing it out of guilt shame fear ! As Richard Grannon has said about the narcissistic personality … I am not abandoning a child. He’s not a child. He’s been mean, deceptive, manipulative, gaslighting, projecting nonstop, bullying, causing years decades of sleep deprivation , and more….and then when he needs to use me or manipulate my emotions (like currently he’s scared that he might be evicted because the neighbors complain about him) so he’s being oddly nice. It makes me uncomfortable. And yet I STILL feel bad for him like he’s a child! And my mind is telling me “remember this” “remember that” “he’s thrown you under the bus so many times” I am tired of being mad at myself for not defending myself and not thinking I’m worthy of being happy Thanks to whoever listened to my rant 😅 Y’all please pray for my strength 💪🏼🙏🏼 ❤️🩹
I blame myself for all sorts of things because there is a belief that I can always do more to make things right or better. Never enough, starting to see that distorted thinking
Right like if I could just make better decisions initially bad things wouldn’t happen. Good when there’s truth to it but I spiral when I start thinking about things that are out of my control
When things went awry, when I made mistakes, even minor ones, I started saying half-kiddingly, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry for my very existence" because I could hear myself apologizing almost constantly. I was trying to make a joke out of that behavior, but I realized that I had truly been apologizing for my existence since I was very young.
Every day I say my modified version of that serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and leave them in your hands, and courage to change the things I can with wisdom as to what and how.". I struggle with self blame and really appreciate this video!
I've lived with emotionally abusive and toxic family my whole life, plus was bullied in school, along with dealing with so many health issues (8 surgeries so far). You have no idea how freeing it is to realize everything isn't actually really my fault. I've even thought i was cursed!
How did you realise it? I know its not my fault but it feels like its my fault when i know its not. Cause its being said its my fault and i want x person to know its not which gives another problem
1) De-centering(cognitive defuse) notice yourself blaming thoughts and detach from that belief. 2) Get clear on taking responsibility (ask yourself what are all the factors led to this event happening) and write them down and assign them on a pie chart. 3) Choosing helpful, value-based action: how to tell if its your fault? it doesn't matter who to blame but if you really are to blame then ask yourself if there is a practical step that I can take now to make repairs or to learn from the experience, to prevent to happening in the future.
I really love it when I find people talking and explaining cognitive distortion. As someone struggling with performance anxiety and mood disorder it helps to understand how my brain works
Your are a blessing. I started watching this channel four years ago. I have not had a chance to watch it in a while and this just came a the right moment after ruminating for quite some time. I blame myself all the time. I immigrated to this country 25 years ago. I left my significant other and my bother passed away 13 years after I moved here and I always blame myself for having left. I always thought I was selfish and immature. I feel blessed for all the good that It has happened to me, however when something bad happens I think I am being punish for that. Thank you for opening my eyes and continue healing.
Guilt isn't something I hear talked about a lot... but it's something I feel in abundance. I make sure to let my kids know that when I'm upset about something related to another relationship or my own issues that it isn't their fault and that I still love them. I also recognize that my temper is my responsibility and I make sure to apologize to them if I explode because CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE
I think it's also about actions, not just words. We have to demonstrate how we feel rather than just saying it, although explaining is definitely important. (I'm making a hypothetical point, not trying to attack or shame you). I remember being told the advice, "demonstrate ------- in different ways" in my old job. We send out a lot of non-verbal signals and probably many we aren't even aware of.
Self blame has been a major part in my. Now I've realised how much negative happens after . Its not that easy for me to remember this all the time. I'm having huge relief
A week ago I discovered my husband watching Porn and immediately blamed myself for not being attractive, sexy and available enough. If I was hot, he would not need to pleasure himself while looking at other women. My self-worth has plummeted and I feel gross about my body. He tells me I am hot and that he will quit but I will never be hot enough as those women on Porn. This video helps me realize that I am blaming myself for his behavior and I need to stop taking the blame...yet I still feel it's my fault for not being good enough for him.
Unless you meant that he said that you will never be attractive enough, it's probably the case that they are suffering from porn addiction (which causes real brain damage) they're probably not doing it because of an unattractive partner but rather to escape reality/numb pain but i dunno
Hello, I had a problem with porn for more than 50 years. Are things open enough between you and your husband that you can ask him how old he was and what circumstances was he first exposed to porn? I'd like to believe that he would want to liberate himself from it and going into the origin of exposure might help. The character who called himself my father exposed me to porn when I was in kindergarten. Your husband might have some comparable history. Just talking about it is a beginning. Really, being free and clear of porn is wonderful. I can't describe what it does to the brain, but it does something for sure. Please know and be certain, his porn addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you. I hope you're well and things work out for the best.
My heart hurts for you. Please understand that watching porn is not usually about the way people look. It’s about the instant gratification and the selfishness of it being about the viewer just getting pleasured. There is no other person to perform for there is no one to emotionally connect with and it’s a very one sided method of pleasure. Your husband can be completely selfish in this act and get what he wants. I can completely relate with thinking. “How can he ever find me attractive when I don’t look anything like that person?” and I think that’s a normal thought, but please know that most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with what the actors look like. I will tell you porn wires the brain every time you watch it it creates a deeper need for it and it creates, a need for stronger content over time. If he is willing I would find a good couples therapist. There are many reasons people watch porn that run too deep to just “give it up” for someone. ❤
Yeah, I blame myself for everything. I was the scapegoat in my family (still am honestly) and blamed for nearly everything. Snapped and yelled at, chastised for simple mistakes. It also didn't help I had an uncontrollable temper. But my parents didn't help me manage it, they yelled and screamed at me, hit me, told me I'd loose the relationship with my sisters if I kept acting this way. I was always thrown into my bedroom when I had a tantrum, alone and isolated, while the rest of my family just went about like normal. I still feel like everything's my fault, I take responsibility for things that don't even make sense. It feels impossible for me to unlearn that ingrained mindset.
I love how you break down the cognitive distortion of self-blame in such an approachable way. I had a client who felt they had to take responsibility for keeping peace in their family growing up, and as an adult, they still carried that belief. It wasn’t until we explored the distorted thinking-just like you do here-that they started to question whether all the blame they were holding onto was actually fair or true. Your reminder to ask "Would I treat a friend this way?" was a game-changer for them, and now they’re starting to set boundaries with confidence. Thank you for making these insights so clear and actionable!
If it’s my fault then I can do something about it… letting go of that has just left me hopeless. Can’t trust anyone / anything outside of me to make anything better.
Every time I watch one of your videos, I feel a little bit lighter and more hopeful. Today was no different. Thank you for all you do in this world to teach knowledge and skills in clear and helpful ways.
Thank you for sharing. Recently, I've been struggling with severe self-blaming, feeling an overwhelming disgust for myself at times, while at other moments trying hard to pull myself back from the depths of guilt. The information you provided has given me a glimmer of hope and warmth. I feel much better now, thank you.
Thank you for this video. I am an expert in feeling guilty - at least now I know why. If you could do a video on guilt and blame in relation to substance abuse, that would be very appreciated. But I know it is a big ask and a complicated topic to handle.
Hello Emma, I'm just past the example of a child spilling milk and the dad having a cow. And... well... I'll listen to the rest of this, but I feel already that I understand some things in my life much much better. Thank you!!!
Almost 3 years ago I was told I had cirrhosis from fatty liver and I took action and lost weight and did reverse it but I have had a few bumps in the road and gained weight back and I am blaming myself because I have had some functional heartburn and probably contributed to gaining weight. I think I did this to myself and hurt my liver
I have just started coming across your videos and I am in Awe about how much I needed to hear these things. Wow thank you. This feels like being let out of a cage I have lived in my whole life. People who know say I can find a way the Titanic was my fault. I am a nurse and this feeling that everything is always my fault and feeling not good enough makes a tough job I love feel painful. I care deeply and I wishe we had more resources to give. Maybe that's not all my fault. Maybe I can focus on how to improve and problem solve over ruminating about inadequacies.
I listened to thus to help myself. But it made me feel worse because I realized many things I said to my daughter may have caused her trauma. I feel just terrible as I didn’t realize it at the time. She’s actually doing ok now at age 26 and she’s had therapy (me too)
You’re really out here doing Lords work! I love you and your account, please never ever stop. You’re not even aware how many people you might help with these videos. I want to give you a big thank you!!! God bless ❤
This is a very difficult habit to break but I'm working on it. I grew up in a scenario that a situation would never be closed until I blame and bash myself as to almost open the door for further external ridicule. If someone I didn't even speak to would behave poorly in the neighborhood or at school, I'd have to accept blame because even knowing they existed would make me associated and a poor reflection.
Why do narcissists parents or spouses like to see you suffer and make it so they don't see their kids or help her find the good and they want you to be as miserable as they are
Thank you for this video! My loved one who struggles with this has a particularly hard time with the concern that she can't let herself off the hook, and that she's just being honest when engaging in negative self-talk/self-abandonment. We know that this was created and reinforced by cycles of trauma/abuse (some ongoing) but she still has been struggling for a long time with it. So in short: what if the person doing the self-blaming feels like they're under-equipped (in terms of energy, mostly) to challenge what feels true by default?
6 months out of my situation and still wake up hoping i didn't hurt them, that I'm not making them mad, knowing they keep telling their family and some of mine that I'm punishing them because I didn't "understand"... just in that I realize it was always on me to "understand" even if there was never a solution, and the loop starts. Trying to realize I could never understand because they never wanted me to. But that created a sense of never knowing if or when I was wrong, or could fix, ... some thought processes are hard to end.
The automatic thoughts are there to protect me from expecting things FROM others. If I can Only control myself, it's much more appropriate to just blame myself than others.🤷♀️
Hi, can u please make a video about how to develop critical thinking skills and overall Better attitude? I'm overcoming my overthinking tendencies, thanks to ur tricks 😊
I blame myself for being the reason my boyfriend killed himself. He did it a day after we broke up. I didn’t give him a chance to fix things because I didn’t reply to his messages that day. I can stop blaming myself and make amends but he’s not here anymore. I can’t fix our relationship. I’m beyond repair.
He should have had more reasons to live than solely your relationship. That is unfair to you. You are not to blame. It was his decision. You did nothing to get him to that point (no, seriously - nothing!) The same thing happened to my parents, and I (and nobody else for that matter) would ever blame my mother for the decision my father took. Sending lots of love your way!
You are never beyond repair! And you're not broken! You may need to un-learn some things and re-learn them in a different way. That's called growing. We all need to do it. As a Christian, I'm being called to renew my mind daily so I can think in a way that pleases God. He knows we were born into a sin nature and gave us a way to come back into relationship with Him, thus making a way for us to be whole and learning how to be the way we were originally intended before man originally sinned. It's all a process. God doesn't toss me into jail every time I sin or make a mistake. He asks for repentance and we move on. I submit to this process because I know His way is best. And I know His way is best because I tried things my way and it didn't work.
Being bullied at school can also cause this trauma response. "If I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc, etc . . . they wouldn't be bullying me" response to harassment and bullying.
@@stillaworkinprogress2147 My school bullying trauma has shaped my entire existence to this day. I’m 44 and still learning how to deal with always on edge in unfamiliar places and in activation mode. Started bodybuilding 10 years ago. Nobody picks on me any more but all the junk is still in my head. It’s like actual luggage at this point.
I often blame myself for others not liking something I like. I often feel weird or embarrassed for liking what I do or that I am biased or dumb because I like certain games, shows, or activities. This is especially prominent when I look on the internet. People often say what I enjoy is boring or trash. I try to limit my intake of negativity on the internet and your channel really helps! I love your drive to help improve others lives. Thank you so much! I'm trying to challenge these negative thoughts more and more because of help from people like you!
The internet can be a harsh place where people can be more vocal due to being less personal but I do have friends that like similar things to me it's just that my mind focuses on the negative and pushes it to a grand scale. But I'm working on that like I said your's and other videos have been extremely helpful!
I'm very confused because my blaming mother hates me for learning about things and going to school and things that turned me into some weirdo when I love the years that I could go to school in between working and I'm sitting here thinking what the hell kind of mother did God give me
Emma, thank you so much for this. Yesterday morning, I was sitting alone in my car, calling a crisis hotline and crying my eyes out which I have not done in the 40 years of my life because I feel I made many choices that were wrong that led me to the bad situation I am in. Basically, I left a decent corporate role to start my own business but things have not been well. And I blame myself for putting my family in such a situation . I started catastrophising and every little setback was amplified multiple times by the negative emotions and self blame. I don't know if I can move beyond this self blaming thoughts, but I really appreciate that you put it into perspective. One of my businesses was a car rental business and I rented to a criminal using a fake ID. I blamed myself so much for it when there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I hope to start taking actions and making sure that I can live my life to the best that I can be. Thanks for this video Emma.
I can easily answer this. I blame myself for everything and have for most of my life simply because everyone ELSE blamed me and intoned I was defective. Big surprise that I came to believe that. Still do at 50
yeah, some people really do blame kids/or other people for everything, and it can be easy to get stuck in that habit...but you truly can learn to challenge those thoughts and replace them with something more helpful.
what if you self blame yourself because you developed a puniitve super-Ego? That's my psychiatrist conclusion after he got to know myself and also after asking me to write him a paper with Q&A regarding how I do I see myself and how I think others see myself and what do I think I should have been/done vs how I perceived I should have acted (he's also a great psychoterapist)? I know that self-blaming does not lead to nothing good, as we diminish ourselves instead of empower one self, but the process started to happen at a so subsconsciouness level I didn't really noticed (at least a lot). I'm not really strange to human behavior, as I have a undergrad, master an PdH degree in Sociology (a behavior and social science), and I'm also turning a page on my work (currently a College Researcher which I get tired off as here is just so stressfull and not because of the Science) in such finishing my undergrad in Psychology and I'll start next year, or so I hope, my Master's classes. The Pyschiatrist he values me a lot, but logically we does not want o validate me too much because validation should be mostly an internal process, and even before I started having the psychology classes he, was also during a process, asked me if to go with him (note: with him, not for him - details are precious and hide a lot of info), and I accepted because I respect him and now he's even mentoring me in stuff we don't learn on classes and he thinks is important to me as a clinical psychologist (my goal). Do you think you can shed a bit more light on the self blame mechanism in my situation? I love to learn and I'm never strange to second opinions - either if they converge or diverge. Thanks and great video. Sorry for my english, and you surely understood I'm not a native :)
My goal is to just create a place where we can come together and discuss to navigate the world. Hope to see you there! Come on you INFJ's (I am one) -Don’t Be A Tree
A person I knew as a friend stole all my hand worked savings, have been depressed & stressed for months I am trying to forget and move on but i don't know how to forget an issue. if anyone knows any ideas please help me
😅 I don't have to watch the video. I already know because my narc mother blamed me for everything, including things outside of my control, like when the fridge broke, or a storm, or getting ill, or being pale, or being covered in bruises because I bruise easily, having freckles etc, etc. Everything was my fault. Everything I did was wrong, stupid, and infuriating. Nothing was ever good enough. By the time I got to my twenties, I fully believed that I was unlovable and that not only was I failing in every single aspect of my life, but I was failing at a fundamental level. I was failing at being a human being. Now, I'm 44, have never been in a healthy relationship, have ADHD, Depression, raging anxiety, lots of health problems, and most days are a struggle. I've done a lot of work on myself and take a lot of meds. But I still have days where I feel completely alone, think that no one enjoys spending time with me, that I am unlovable, and I often have a lot of self-doubt. I don't hate my mom, I'm not angry, but I also don't love her, and I can never forgive her for what she's done to me. She doesn't care, though. She has never apologised, taken accountability or tried to repair our relationship. The hard truth is that she never loved me and never will. Judging by the way she has treated me, it's pretty clear she hates me. I couldn't even treat my worst enemy the way she treated me.
You're not alone. I have and are medicated for extreme high anxiety high functioning autism and social anxiety. We all have a flaw. Even famous people. I know it's hard to be easier on ourselves..
I'm sorry about your mum. Mine is my confidence and my voice. I'm 18. I couldn't imagine life without her. I'm truly sympathetic. I don't relate but sorry for your loss of a mum figure
mainstream stuff about self-improvement are so overrated.The best investment you can make is in yourself. Books are the ultimate learning tool. Reading Magnetic Aura from Borlest helped me build attraction and charisma better than 90% of people
Growing up around narcissistic family members and having been bullied a lot, I tend to question every move and every decision I make because it’s like I’ve been conditioned to believe that everytime something goes wrong, it’s automatically my fault.
I understand its definitely debilitating to have family members that have a negative quality 😢 I believe narcissistic behaviour makes mental health issues worse when you need help from the people that are suppose to be supportive
Yes absolutely paralyzing… this is why I’m always “stuck”…because of being conditioned by my mom first, but the worst has probably been my current husband of 24 years… I’m so overwhelmed with stress from ongoing never ending narcissistic abuse,
I have fear of expressing the emotions that I’m *appropriately* feeling towards something or someone’s behavior,..because I’m not permitted to ever. Ever. I end up freezing and essentially silencing myself before that person does. This is what causes so much chaos in me. The every day battle within..I’m frustrated… I’m at the stage where my memories are finally coming back a little (trauma and ongoing stress changes the brain, effects memory, etc etc ) and everything triggers another memory…another memory.. another memory… and nothing ever gets resolved with a narcissist.. so when he was/is being awful (to put it simply) I could not/cannot express my emotions and confront him! That leads to more suppressed emotions and resentment… then when he is on his best fake behavior (usually to manipulate me or a situation) im still triggered by things and mad about something from before…and then because he is being fake , he then wants to know what MY problem is because he “Isn’t even doing anything wrong right now!” He says..
And that makes me feel unnecessarily ashamed and confused… because he is making me feel guilty for not wanting to be fake lovey nice back and pretend everything is fine...
I hate it!! I just want him to go.. he left me MULTIPLE times in the beginning of this marriage, and literally threatened to divorce every year of the 24! And NOW he “has nowhere to go” he says so he’s accusing me of “wanting to throw away 24 years without even trying “ 🤮
And he keeps trying to prevent this much needed separation from happening. I have so much resentment and I don’t like the way it makes me feel . But see what I’m doing? I’m allowing it out of guilt shame fear ! As Richard Grannon has said about the narcissistic personality … I am not abandoning a child. He’s not a child. He’s been mean, deceptive, manipulative, gaslighting, projecting nonstop, bullying, causing years decades of sleep deprivation , and more….and then when he needs to use me or manipulate my emotions
(like currently he’s scared that he might be evicted because the neighbors complain about him) so he’s being oddly nice. It makes me uncomfortable. And yet I STILL feel bad for him like he’s a child! And my mind is telling me “remember this” “remember that” “he’s thrown you under the bus so many times”
I am tired of being mad at myself for not defending myself and not thinking I’m worthy of being happy
Thanks to whoever listened to my rant 😅
Y’all please pray for my strength 💪🏼🙏🏼 ❤️🩹
My Life as a child exactly!!❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@imsaltylit3101hope you're ok now🙏
@@imsaltylit3101 I think I am you?? Please friend me. I have been with the one for almost 25 and we have stories to compare.
I blame myself for all sorts of things because there is a belief that I can always do more to make things right or better. Never enough, starting to see that distorted thinking
Right like if I could just make better decisions initially bad things wouldn’t happen. Good when there’s truth to it but I spiral when I start thinking about things that are out of my control
When things went awry, when I made mistakes, even minor ones, I started saying half-kiddingly, "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry for my very existence" because I could hear myself apologizing almost constantly. I was trying to make a joke out of that behavior, but I realized that I had truly been apologizing for my existence since I was very young.
Every day I say my modified version of that serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and leave them in your hands, and courage to change the things I can with wisdom as to what and how.". I struggle with self blame and really appreciate this video!
Amen!
Self blaming is surprisingly a comfort zone for me. Otherwise I need to take action and it is not easy. Thank you for this timely video😊
That is a really good point
Your commet really resonated with me. Thank you.
I've lived with emotionally abusive and toxic family my whole life, plus was bullied in school, along with dealing with so many health issues (8 surgeries so far). You have no idea how freeing it is to realize everything isn't actually really my fault. I've even thought i was cursed!
How did you realise it? I know its not my fault but it feels like its my fault when i know its not. Cause its being said its my fault and i want x person to know its not which gives another problem
1) De-centering(cognitive defuse) notice yourself blaming thoughts and detach from that belief.
2) Get clear on taking responsibility (ask yourself what are all the factors led to this event happening) and write them down and assign them on a pie chart.
3) Choosing helpful, value-based action: how to tell if its your fault? it doesn't matter who to blame but if you really are to blame then ask yourself if there is a practical step that I can take now to make repairs or to learn from the experience, to prevent to happening in the future.
I really love it when I find people talking and explaining cognitive distortion. As someone struggling with performance anxiety and mood disorder it helps to understand how my brain works
Your are a blessing. I started watching this channel four years ago. I have not had a chance to watch it in a while and this just came a the right moment after ruminating for quite some time. I blame myself all the time. I immigrated to this country 25 years ago. I left my significant other and my bother passed away 13 years after I moved here and I always blame myself for having left. I always thought I was selfish and immature. I feel blessed for all the good that It has happened to me, however when something bad happens I think I am being punish for that. Thank you for opening my eyes and continue healing.
I overthink so much and just listening to your voice is soothing! It instantly calms me down. ❤
There are things that are totally MY FAULT!!! However, I beat myself up so much!!
Guilt isn't something I hear talked about a lot... but it's something I feel in abundance. I make sure to let my kids know that when I'm upset about something related to another relationship or my own issues that it isn't their fault and that I still love them. I also recognize that my temper is my responsibility and I make sure to apologize to them if I explode because CHILDREN ARE PEOPLE
I think it's also about actions, not just words. We have to demonstrate how we feel rather than just saying it, although explaining is definitely important. (I'm making a hypothetical point, not trying to attack or shame you). I remember being told the advice, "demonstrate ------- in different ways" in my old job. We send out a lot of non-verbal signals and probably many we aren't even aware of.
Self blame has been a major part in my. Now I've realised how much negative happens after . Its not that easy for me to remember this all the time. I'm having huge relief
A week ago I discovered my husband watching Porn and immediately blamed myself for not being attractive, sexy and available enough. If I was hot, he would not need to pleasure himself while looking at other women. My self-worth has plummeted and I feel gross about my body. He tells me I am hot and that he will quit but I will never be hot enough as those women on Porn. This video helps me realize that I am blaming myself for his behavior and I need to stop taking the blame...yet I still feel it's my fault for not being good enough for him.
You are good enough, he is blind
Unless you meant that he said that you will never be attractive enough, it's probably the case that they are suffering from porn addiction (which causes real brain damage) they're probably not doing it because of an unattractive partner but rather to escape reality/numb pain but i dunno
Hello, I had a problem with porn for more than 50 years. Are things open enough between you and your husband that you can ask him how old he was and what circumstances was he first exposed to porn? I'd like to believe that he would want to liberate himself from it and going into the origin of exposure might help.
The character who called himself my father exposed me to porn when I was in kindergarten. Your husband might have some comparable history. Just talking about it is a beginning. Really, being free and clear of porn is wonderful. I can't describe what it does to the brain, but it does something for sure.
Please know and be certain, his porn addiction has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I hope you're well and things work out for the best.
@@JesusIsLord2478Or he will be soon enough. 😆
My heart hurts for you. Please understand that watching porn is not usually about the way people look. It’s about the instant gratification and the selfishness of it being about the viewer just getting pleasured. There is no other person to perform for there is no one to emotionally connect with and it’s a very one sided method of pleasure. Your husband can be completely selfish in this act and get what he wants. I can completely relate with thinking. “How can he ever find me attractive when I don’t look anything like that person?” and I think that’s a normal thought, but please know that most of the time it doesn’t even have anything to do with what the actors look like. I will tell you porn wires the brain every time you watch it it creates a deeper need for it and it creates, a need for stronger content over time. If he is willing I would find a good couples therapist. There are many reasons people watch porn that run too deep to just “give it up” for someone. ❤
Yeah, I blame myself for everything. I was the scapegoat in my family (still am honestly) and blamed for nearly everything. Snapped and yelled at, chastised for simple mistakes. It also didn't help I had an uncontrollable temper. But my parents didn't help me manage it, they yelled and screamed at me, hit me, told me I'd loose the relationship with my sisters if I kept acting this way. I was always thrown into my bedroom when I had a tantrum, alone and isolated, while the rest of my family just went about like normal. I still feel like everything's my fault, I take responsibility for things that don't even make sense. It feels impossible for me to unlearn that ingrained mindset.
I love how you break down the cognitive distortion of self-blame in such an approachable way.
I had a client who felt they had to take responsibility for keeping peace in their family growing up, and as an adult, they still carried that belief.
It wasn’t until we explored the distorted thinking-just like you do here-that they started to question whether all the blame they were holding onto was actually fair or true.
Your reminder to ask "Would I treat a friend this way?" was a game-changer for them, and now they’re starting to set boundaries with confidence.
Thank you for making these insights so clear and actionable!
If it’s my fault then I can do something about it… letting go of that has just left me hopeless.
Can’t trust anyone / anything outside of me to make anything better.
You got that right! And it doesn’t help that we really can’t trust people!😅
Every time I watch one of your videos, I feel a little bit lighter and more hopeful. Today was no different. Thank you for all you do in this world to teach knowledge and skills in clear and helpful ways.
Thank you for sharing. Recently, I've been struggling with severe self-blaming, feeling an overwhelming disgust for myself at times, while at other moments trying hard to pull myself back from the depths of guilt. The information you provided has given me a glimmer of hope and warmth. I feel much better now, thank you.
This is seriously good discussion. People pay thousands for information like this.
Thanks Naveed
I've been struggling with that :(( I hope this video will help. Thank you💖
@@kausarjaffry3699 I wish you shower of unlimited blessings to take away your pain away.
Thank you for this video. I am an expert in feeling guilty - at least now I know why. If you could do a video on guilt and blame in relation to substance abuse, that would be very appreciated. But I know it is a big ask and a complicated topic to handle.
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving 😢
Hello Emma, I'm just past the example of a child spilling milk and the dad having a cow. And... well... I'll listen to the rest of this, but I feel already that I understand some things in my life much much better. Thank you!!!
Almost 3 years ago I was told I had cirrhosis from fatty liver and I took action and lost weight and did reverse it but I have had a few bumps in the road and gained weight back and I am blaming myself because I have had some functional heartburn and probably contributed to gaining weight. I think I did this to myself and hurt my liver
I have just started coming across your videos and I am in Awe about how much I needed to hear these things. Wow thank you. This feels like being let out of a cage I have lived in my whole life. People who know say I can find a way the Titanic was my fault. I am a nurse and this feeling that everything is always my fault and feeling not good enough makes a tough job I love feel painful. I care deeply and I wishe we had more resources to give. Maybe that's not all my fault. Maybe I can focus on how to improve and problem solve over ruminating about inadequacies.
Thanks
I do blame myself for everything because I was blamed for everything even if I wasn't the problem I was the problem
Same
My childhood was complex not knowing where/ who with I was living. Bit real for internet. Just saying I sympathize.
I listened to thus to help myself. But it made me feel worse because I realized many things I said to my daughter may have caused her trauma. I feel just terrible as I didn’t realize it at the time. She’s actually doing ok now at age 26 and she’s had therapy (me too)
lion king and batman examples were so wonderful thank you really helpful video this one for me
Im 35 and i still dont know how to be the right "me" for others, so i dont know whether to blame myself or others
You’re really out here doing Lords work! I love you and your account, please never ever stop. You’re not even aware how many people you might help with these videos. I want to give you a big thank you!!! God bless ❤
You have such a beautiful personality! All while sharply delivering the message, good job.
This is a very difficult habit to break but I'm working on it. I grew up in a scenario that a situation would never be closed until I blame and bash myself as to almost open the door for further external ridicule. If someone I didn't even speak to would behave poorly in the neighborhood or at school, I'd have to accept blame because even knowing they existed would make me associated and a poor reflection.
Thanks so much for offering one time courses! I'd like to support in the future but channels with memberships are out of my price range right now.
Why do narcissists parents or spouses like to see you suffer and make it so they don't see their kids or help her find the good and they want you to be as miserable as they are
Thank you for todays reminder and I appreciate all of the content you share:)
Great video!You and your channel are the best! Thank you!
Thank you for this video! My loved one who struggles with this has a particularly hard time with the concern that she can't let herself off the hook, and that she's just being honest when engaging in negative self-talk/self-abandonment. We know that this was created and reinforced by cycles of trauma/abuse (some ongoing) but she still has been struggling for a long time with it.
So in short: what if the person doing the self-blaming feels like they're under-equipped (in terms of energy, mostly) to challenge what feels true by default?
Just wanted to say thank you
This is exactly what i need
Thank you❤
I totally have to re-watch batman begins now
Wonderful, thanks very much. As a Counselling Psychologist, I have gained a lot from your expertise.
This video was fantastic. Thank you.
Super super good and sooooo helpful. Thankyou so much 😊❤
I don't understand why people think college is useless what if we had mothers just like her that had this education we need it more than ever
Trauma is insidious.
but what is if we actually did something wrong? how can we forgive ourselves and how can others forgive us?
Thank you, I needed that
Can you please make a video about healthy grieving (lost time/ loved one)
6 months out of my situation and still wake up hoping i didn't hurt them, that I'm not making them mad, knowing they keep telling their family and some of mine that I'm punishing them because I didn't "understand"... just in that I realize it was always on me to "understand" even if there was never a solution, and the loop starts. Trying to realize I could never understand because they never wanted me to. But that created a sense of never knowing if or when I was wrong, or could fix, ... some thought processes are hard to end.
Everything will be alright
The automatic thoughts are there to protect me from expecting things FROM others. If I can Only control myself, it's much more appropriate to just blame myself than others.🤷♀️
aimentalhealthadvisor AI fixes this. Blame yourself for everything discussed.
I'm thrilled that I found you 😊
Hi, can u please make a video about how to develop critical thinking skills and overall Better attitude?
I'm overcoming my overthinking tendencies, thanks to ur tricks 😊
My narcissistic family brought me up to believe that everything is my fault
Narc sucky sorry for mouthing about your family.
Omg I love your chickens! ❤ Thank you! This is super helpful
Thank you so very much ❤
When I was a teenager and felt guilty for everything I sang the song "Sorry, blame it on me" by Akon.
I blame myself for being the reason my boyfriend killed himself. He did it a day after we broke up. I didn’t give him a chance to fix things because I didn’t reply to his messages that day. I can stop blaming myself and make amends but he’s not here anymore. I can’t fix our relationship. I’m beyond repair.
He should have had more reasons to live than solely your relationship. That is unfair to you. You are not to blame. It was his decision. You did nothing to get him to that point (no, seriously - nothing!)
The same thing happened to my parents, and I (and nobody else for that matter) would ever blame my mother for the decision my father took.
Sending lots of love your way!
You are never beyond repair! And you're not broken! You may need to un-learn some things and re-learn them in a different way. That's called growing. We all need to do it. As a Christian, I'm being called to renew my mind daily so I can think in a way that pleases God. He knows we were born into a sin nature and gave us a way to come back into relationship with Him, thus making a way for us to be whole and learning how to be the way we were originally intended before man originally sinned. It's all a process. God doesn't toss me into jail every time I sin or make a mistake. He asks for repentance and we move on. I submit to this process because I know His way is best. And I know His way is best because I tried things my way and it didn't work.
Being bullied at school can also cause this trauma response. "If I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc, etc . . . they wouldn't be bullying me" response to harassment and bullying.
@@stillaworkinprogress2147
My school bullying trauma has shaped my entire existence to this day.
I’m 44 and still learning how to deal with always on edge in unfamiliar places and in activation mode.
Started bodybuilding 10 years ago. Nobody picks on me any more but all the junk is still in my head. It’s like actual luggage at this point.
@@sebanapohave you ever gotten trauma therapy?
I did and it was life changing. Go for it!!
Agree unfortunately true
Wow i blame myself for a lot of things and I have been doing this for a long time!
I often blame myself for others not liking something I like. I often feel weird or embarrassed for liking what I do or that I am biased or dumb because I like certain games, shows, or activities. This is especially prominent when I look on the internet. People often say what I enjoy is boring or trash. I try to limit my intake of negativity on the internet and your channel really helps! I love your drive to help improve others lives. Thank you so much! I'm trying to challenge these negative thoughts more and more because of help from people like you!
Sorry people are rude
The internet can be a harsh place where people can be more vocal due to being less personal but I do have friends that like similar things to me it's just that my mind focuses on the negative and pushes it to a grand scale. But I'm working on that like I said your's and other videos have been extremely helpful!
Thanks
I'm very confused because my blaming mother hates me for learning about things and going to school and things that turned me into some weirdo when I love the years that I could go to school in between working and I'm sitting here thinking what the hell kind of mother did God give me
Emma, thank you so much for this. Yesterday morning, I was sitting alone in my car, calling a crisis hotline and crying my eyes out which I have not done in the 40 years of my life because I feel I made many choices that were wrong that led me to the bad situation I am in. Basically, I left a decent corporate role to start my own business but things have not been well. And I blame myself for putting my family in such a situation .
I started catastrophising and every little setback was amplified multiple times by the negative emotions and self blame. I don't know if I can move beyond this self blaming thoughts, but I really appreciate that you put it into perspective. One of my businesses was a car rental business and I rented to a criminal using a fake ID. I blamed myself so much for it when there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
I hope to start taking actions and making sure that I can live my life to the best that I can be. Thanks for this video Emma.
I can easily answer this. I blame myself for everything and have for most of my life simply because everyone ELSE blamed me and intoned I was defective. Big surprise that I came to believe that. Still do at 50
i am 26 and do the same. it is hard to not blame myself for anything bad. sucks huh?
yeah, some people really do blame kids/or other people for everything, and it can be easy to get stuck in that habit...but you truly can learn to challenge those thoughts and replace them with something more helpful.
Wow, great video!
Excellent video
11:20 HA!! I was about to ask this question if you have patients chart it in some manner
what if you self blame yourself because you developed a puniitve super-Ego? That's my psychiatrist conclusion after he got to know myself and also after asking me to write him a paper with Q&A regarding how I do I see myself and how I think others see myself and what do I think I should have been/done vs how I perceived I should have acted (he's also a great psychoterapist)? I know that self-blaming does not lead to nothing good, as we diminish ourselves instead of empower one self, but the process started to happen at a so subsconsciouness level I didn't really noticed (at least a lot). I'm not really strange to human behavior, as I have a undergrad, master an PdH degree in Sociology (a behavior and social science), and I'm also turning a page on my work (currently a College Researcher which I get tired off as here is just so stressfull and not because of the Science) in such finishing my undergrad in Psychology and I'll start next year, or so I hope, my Master's classes. The Pyschiatrist he values me a lot, but logically we does not want o validate me too much because validation should be mostly an internal process, and even before I started having the psychology classes he, was also during a process, asked me if to go with him (note: with him, not for him - details are precious and hide a lot of info), and I accepted because I respect him and now he's even mentoring me in stuff we don't learn on classes and he thinks is important to me as a clinical psychologist (my goal). Do you think you can shed a bit more light on the self blame mechanism in my situation? I love to learn and I'm never strange to second opinions - either if they converge or diverge. Thanks and great video. Sorry for my english, and you surely understood I'm not a native :)
My first thought seeing the name of the video: yes, I do. because it is my fault 😅
Fabulous content 🎉
Very eloquent put. I kind of don't, actually. But I got friends :))
10:12 I literally do all of these, i thought this is just normal. 😭😭😭
Like placed 🖐️
I enjoyed the video, and I do always do that blame myself. However, how do I stop that habit?
❤❤❤ your amazing. Thank you
What are you meant to do if you suspect something's wrong but have no idea what it is?
Great vid. The audio sounds a bit possessed though with the punch-ins or distortions 👹
No. I blame my parents.
I sometimes be blaming myself for somethings fr
My goal is to just create a place where we can come together and discuss to navigate the world. Hope to see you there! Come on you INFJ's (I am one)
-Don’t Be A Tree
Infj here 18 years.
Gosh, thank you
Did she link the values worksheet?
Always feeling responsible for other peoples situtations ..
Please help''!
Very good presentation and helpful, But some of the speeches was so fast that the words were joined, making the entire sentence illegible.
A person I knew as a friend stole all my hand worked savings, have been depressed & stressed for months I am trying to forget and move on but i don't know how to forget an issue.
if anyone knows any ideas please help me
Batman therapy 😎
Therapy in a Nutshell….a very appropriate receptacle LOL
it's crazy how nobody is talking about the banned ebook Magnetic Aura from Borlest
Birthday girlll 🎊 🎉
I do this
Yes I just realized I'm internalised the pattern that my parents installed to me...
😅 I don't have to watch the video. I already know because my narc mother blamed me for everything, including things outside of my control, like when the fridge broke, or a storm, or getting ill, or being pale, or being covered in bruises because I bruise easily, having freckles etc, etc. Everything was my fault. Everything I did was wrong, stupid, and infuriating. Nothing was ever good enough. By the time I got to my twenties, I fully believed that I was unlovable and that not only was I failing in every single aspect of my life, but I was failing at a fundamental level. I was failing at being a human being.
Now, I'm 44, have never been in a healthy relationship, have ADHD, Depression, raging anxiety, lots of health problems, and most days are a struggle. I've done a lot of work on myself and take a lot of meds. But I still have days where I feel completely alone, think that no one enjoys spending time with me, that I am unlovable, and I often have a lot of self-doubt. I don't hate my mom, I'm not angry, but I also don't love her, and I can never forgive her for what she's done to me. She doesn't care, though. She has never apologised, taken accountability or tried to repair our relationship. The hard truth is that she never loved me and never will. Judging by the way she has treated me, it's pretty clear she hates me. I couldn't even treat my worst enemy the way she treated me.
You're not alone. I have and are medicated for extreme high anxiety high functioning autism and social anxiety. We all have a flaw. Even famous people. I know it's hard to be easier on ourselves..
I'm sorry about your mum. Mine is my confidence and my voice. I'm 18. I couldn't imagine life without her. I'm truly sympathetic. I don't relate but sorry for your loss of a mum figure
mainstream stuff about self-improvement are so overrated.The best investment you can make is in yourself. Books are the ultimate learning tool. Reading Magnetic Aura from Borlest helped me build attraction and charisma better than 90% of people
❤
painful session 😢
you need to find the banned ebook magnetic aura even if it's the last thing you do in life
Excellent Content.
Glad you think so!
❤❤❤❤❤
💙💙💙