I am ashamed about who I am

I’m actually deeply ashamed of who I am as a person. On a daily basis I find myself feeling overwhelmed by my own existence. Quite often I’m very confused about why I’d feel this way. I have many good things going for me in life after all, generally speaking. Externally life isn’t so bad. Internally, it is a proper struggle, and I show no one that side, not even myself. I’m so ashamed about how I truly feel about the way I’m feeling that I can’t even let myself see it. It’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s unlovable and just unacceptable, I tell myself. I lie to myself, I lie to others, I try to maintain a facade of perfection, I manipulate covertly, and I’ve been unwilling to acknowledge many of these less acceptable sides of myself. I withhold my truth, I repress my emotions, and I contort myself to make myself appear to be more loveable and acceptable.
The honest truth of who I actually am is far less attractive than what I put on as a public persona. I am emotionally stunted in many ways and this has shown up in intense co-dependency, substance addiction, and tactical covert manipulation of the space and people around me.. It’s fucked. The consequences of this trauma shows up in undeniable patterns in my relationships. And I can CLEARLY see how and why this has been my life experience up to this point, and that at least helps me find compassion for myself and patience and love. None of it is my fault, it’s not my parents fault, no one is really to blame at the end of the day. This is just part of the human condition.
I’m at a chapter in my journey where I have gotten pushed to a point of realizing the pain of staying same is greater than the pain of changing. I can’t unsee what I now see and this is just such a large part of becoming a man and taking responsibility for my life. Ain’t nobody coming to save me as much as a younger version of myself would desperately hope for.
#truth #vulnerability #shadow

[@corazonquantico]

I think we all show the best part of ourselves to be integrated into some community. The bad thing about this is that they use you until you say no more. So people blame you for having a difficult character. What you say is always like a shadow that follows us and watches us all the time. It is a defect of a society that is very rotten from within but accepted by everyone. It is better to be a character with a difficult character than one who gets lost in the acceptance of many. I wish you well and love.