When to Change vs Accept Who You Are
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health drops Aug. 18th: bit.ly/3hYWIfA
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#psychology #mentalhealth
There's an Alan Watts quote I really love. "You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."
True. But is that necessarily a good thing? What about building habits and routines? Discipline? Those things, in order for them to have a real impact on individuals, tend to (need to) influence people on a personal level. ie. their sense of identity. A person with a transient sense of identity may have a sense of “freedom” from being tied down to anything or any label since they’re rapidly changing by the second, but they’ll usually wander around aimlessly (typically) in their lives.
@@anomallie Thinking a little too hard about it. "You are under no obligation to be" does not mean you never should be.
@@imSoCalamari ?? What *does* it mean then. What’s the moral to be drawn from it?
@@anomallie The general meaning is that each minute of every day, you have the full power to become a different you. So instead of thinking of yourself as a bundle of all your past mistakes, failures, shortcomings, and flaws, and letting you hold yourself back or beat yourself up because of them, you can simply observe them and dedicate yourself in each waking moment to change for the better as the ever improving human you are.
In other words, don't let the past you dictate who current you is, as Dr. K states in the video.
@@imSoCalamari Thank you my friend. I really needed this.
Dude this guy is always releasing stuff about things I'm currently trying to figure out
Right?! I've been actively thinking about this specific topic for last two days and here comes this video.
same wtf?
Feeling attacked eh? Yah no worries he does it to us all 😆
yo oversampled i love ur vids
This is just so true. My gf broke up with me because I couldn't accept myself and this video hits.
"It's not your fault, it's the dude from a year ago."
That hit like a fucking truck.
The kid didn't know any better. They were trying their best.
Man that hit close.
What if the kid 1 year ago was way better than what you are now? :(
@@deninpaul7509 Circumstances change and people change for better or for worse. Future you would probably look back at 2021 you and say "the kid didn't know any better, they were trying their best" too. So be kind to yourself man, life's full of uncertainty and all anyone can do is to try their best and see where that takes them!
@@deninpaul7509 There is an "what if" in your sentence. so this wont get you anywhere. thats what dr k talked about at the beginning.
Doesnt mean its not correct. but it doesnt change anything for your current situation other than beating yourself up that you dont reached your potential that you would have had now. But this doesnt matter as you cant change the past. You can only focus on the Now.
@@udayv1301 What if the kid did know but just didn't act, since he knew, he is essentially the same as me, so I have no way of saying something like this.
HealthyGamer is the best therapist on RUclips, hands down
It's not therapy Kapp
He's great, but for me that goes to Theramintrees
nice
Dr Ramani
Dr. K is great and Anna Akana is awesome as well!
“It’s not your fault, it’s the dude from a year ago”
Just remember that you should apply this differently regarding people you did wrong in the past, it’s not supposed to bail you out of it when there’s another human being involved. Dude from the present has to take the responsibility even if it’s not his fault. Another aspect of acceptance. Accepting and admitting to past mistakes is crucial in relationships. Then comes change.
The difference is to you, the thing you did 6 months ago was done by a different person that you are accountable for, but to everyone else, it's the same person
@@nyalan8385 and if they reject your change, it could lead to feeling like a pariah, and you lash out.
@@nyalan8385 The you from six months ago is still a part of the new you. You can remember it. You still did it, it's just that you have changed, for the better or the worse.
@@williampan29 If you lash out you didn't really change did you?
Well he also said it “the you now has to clean that shit up”
A key takeway for me: Acceptance doesn't mean allowing unhealthy behaviour, rather it means to be aware that patterns exists so we can now take the next steps
I was just reading _The Six Pillars of Self Esteem_ and he was saying how 'accepting yourself' doesn't mean you *like* every part of yourself. Like you can accept that you're currently overweight, but still dislike how you look and actively try to change it.
exactly, and then you can *like* yourself for actually trying to change it. The end result? You like yourself more and you lose weight.
Yup yup! You can even like how you look and feel like you’d like even more if you changed.
Almost like I like my current pc and I accept it’s the one I have however I also accept that I want better graphics so I’ll have to upgrade it.
I think a lot of it comes from the idea that dislike or hate like negative things are what motivates us to change but that doesn’t have to be the case.
Amazing book
I started reading this book thanks to your comment and it was monumental in providing me with clarity on a lot of issues regarding self acceptance. So thank you :)
Right. Accepting just means *acknowledging it as a part of your reality* as opposed to denying it exists because you feel shitty thinking about it (denial)
It’s very different from what you choose to *do* with that. Accepting is about perception. Not judgement.
"Life is a bunch of patchs and bugs fixing "
Me: I feel like cyberpunk 2077 right now
a good one i can relate ^^
I’m more of a No Man’s Skye
@@jacobtruelove9326 good job
I just imagine the funny meme music when you said that
So made by developers that are quite loved by the community, game priced fairly, that already improved a lot, with a lot of hope for getting great one day and hopes for good DLCs coming? There always is a way to look at things in a positive way
The thing that surprised me most about this talk is that Dr K. is 38 lmfao
True, without knowing anything about him, first time meeting with this guy you'd think '28 y-o tops' trying to guess the age.
the age make sense in terms of where he is in his life but yeah in terms of appearance he's got some magic going on there
I thought he was a young looking 40 year old
@@SkinnyLegend1800 Good skin and a head full of hair (not grey/white) works magic.
look at his neck. easiest way to see age
One thing I feel like is missing from this discussion is the importance of not just accepting your mistakes and then working on yourself but also apologizing to the people you've hurt and making it up to them. Just because there is nothing I can do about the shit my past self has done, doesn't mean I should expect others to just forget and forgive my shitty past behaviours. It's probably a pretty obvious thing to point out but I feel like it's important to explicitly say it.
I tend to think that it depends on the people. Some people the best way to move on is to just move beyond it and never speak to you again. Others may want the apology. I personally think that if it's a like here and now thing of like it happened recently then yeah. Apologize and make it up. But if it was when you were middle schoolers and didn't know any better and now you're in college and haven't spoken? It might not be worth it to rehash old wounds unless a the hurt party in question is actively seeking out an apology.
Sometimes, you lose contact with people or some of the damage someone has done is beyond repair or forgiving and in those cases an apology will not heal their wounds.
I get your point and i would definitely apologize to People I've hurt if i had the opportunity, but Sadly some Just prefer to never interact with us again.
In this point, it's probably better to Just move on and be a better person for New People, for that person they might remember you as the worst person in the World, but for someone else, you might be their Best person that happen in their world
Focus on what you can control. Don't focus on explaining what made you act in a certain way; you already know that. Focus on saying that you will do better in the future.
Them responding back saying you can try to be friends again is more of a miracle than an actual goal. You can't control how other people would react.
Dude in chat said "we smurfed on animals" lol
Time stamp ?!!
Ok I found it 11:22
Ahahahha gold😂
@@-na-nomad6247 Now that I think about it, he's right. People who learn to play games are the ones who can self analise.
I just love when Dr. K use game analogies to explain life problems. It makes so much sense.
That’s cuz a lot of us understand vidya better than real life.
Ni-dom gang gang
Game analogies are so much better than the normal analogies people use. I wanna hear about how a lvl 5 shouldn't be expected to take on a lvl 50 boss, or that you gotta look at your skill tree and decide your strategy. That's the fun stuff
@@nudibranch8659 that's mostly because People here are more fond to video games and Thus accept those messages better.
But normal analogioes are not bad by any means, they did work and have their use, but it's mainly for non gamers and for People in the past
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -Carl Rodgers
Got here early, but I am so glad that I found Dr.K. I am studying for a Masters in Psychology, and also will be working as a teacher in school. Seeing how Dr.K guides people through interviews, and these mini episodes have also allowed me to help people around me. Keep up the good work, Dr.K. Your work means a lot to an aspiring counsellor and to many students navigating through their adolescent lives.
Good luck!
All the best on your journey
Hi :) ! I’m so glad I came across your commentary!! I can absolutely relate to your future aspiration of becoming a teacher with a psychology degree. My dream is to make a difference in a community having a deeper understanding of what moves people, being able to help and counsel. May I ask you how you plan to get into teaching after studying psychology? Or do you already have a teacher’s license? So cool to find someone with the same goal 😁
I been paralyze to do anything for the longest time until recently I just accept that Ill 99% fail at anything I do and thats okay. The % kinda gets lower each fail
@@shoban That's a good one
@@shoban Apropos name.
wait..........
.....
@@shoban Thank you; it's quite an intriguing word.
@@shoban it’s French btw
Here is my take on it. Accept the good and bad of yourself, focus on doing more of the good and less of the bad but don’t try to change who you are.
Like a car, if you are a Honda Civic, don’t try to be a Lamborghini. You can change the color, under the hood, and turn into a legitimate fast car, keep it clean, nice interior, etc. but don’t rice it out where it looks like shit with fake autozone vent stickers and a wing on the back but struggles to get above 100 mph.
nice one, this was way too funny to visualize !
"Where did we get the idea that acceptance means you don't change."
Well, there are two different kinds of acceptance. Accepting that you have an issue, and acceptance yourself with all of your issues. Accepting that you have an issue is what can create change. But people who don't accept themselves, don't accept themselves because they accept that they have an issue, and believe that they can't change it, and they're bad because of it. If they accept their whole self, that means their issue no longer bothers them. If their issue no longer bothers them, then why would they change their issue? That's where the confusion is.
Exactly the guy in the video didn’t understand what the question meant bu “accepting”
I think the only things we should 100% accept, to the point where it does not bother us, are the things we actually cannot change (for example, our ethnicity, sexuality, genetics, etc).
You accept everything, including yourselves, the will to change for the better, the fear and discomfort to change. And you need to consolidate those without rejecting any part. That is what it means to accept your whole self. If by the process of “accepting yourselves” you discard the willingness to be better (if there is) along the way, you are not fully accepting yourselves yet.
And it’s ok if once you consolidate everything you don’t feel like you need to change anymore. That can happen. The difference is you have a clear mind that this is the way you want to be. You understand truly why society expectation, ideal, whatsoever does not work for you. You can feel free and at ease at yourselves because you truly choose wether to stay that way or change.
My 2 cents: When I think of issue, I think undesirable. By accepting that I have issues, I say that I admit that I have undersirable qualities. By accepting myself with all my issues, I mean to say that having undesirable qualities doesn't make me an unlovable/undesirable person.
If I am not working on resolving my issues because I accept them, then they are no longer "undesirable" are they? Then it's not a bug but a feature. Then I am not overweight, I am big boned. I resolved the issue by making my weight being high a desirable quality. It's no longer an issue then. And if it's no longer an issue, then why do I need to accept it as an issue?
@@shinobi_endure because in that case you'd probably be lying to yourself. calling it big boned sounds to me like the ego justifying the problem by talking it down and by pushing the responsibility away (you can't change your bone structure even if you tried). if one conciously decides it's okay for them to have a shorter AND lesser quality life by being obese, more power to them, but tbh I highly doubt it. I feel like being able to make a decision like that is a sure sign of being depressed but that's my opinion and it might be my own ego speaking, who knows.
Wouldn’t “admitting” or “acknowledging” be a better word than accepting? I feel like accepting has other connotations
Admitting or acknowledging a mistake is the same as accepting it. Most people have problems because they can't admit their mistake.
When you accept reality and yourself as it is right now in this moment, then things will change.
Also another subtle difference I noticed. I have a friend who always admits his fault or acknowledges he's done something wrong but he beats himself up for it instead of accepting it.
Well, acceptance is those things and more. It's a comprehensive term.
@@Mani_Katti No I agree with OP. The only reason the person who made the Reddit post seemed like, on a superficial level, to have had that pre-conceived definition of acceptance is because *there’s no other concise way to name the problem*
Just think about it. When a person is beating themself up for, a mistake they made, a general flaw about themselves, whatever, and their well-meaning friend tells them “accept yourself!”, *what does that even mean?* The person beating themselves up doesn’t understand what the fuck they’re really trying to say in response to them beating themselves up over a flaw _they are clearly very aware that exists in themselves_ .So the only logical conclusion they can make in their heads is “So I can’t do anything about it is what you’re really telling me?”. It’s a response that *confuses the hell out of people* .
It’s not only that, but some situations, certain efforts are *wasted* and you simply must “ *accept that there’s nothing else you can do* “ .There’s a reason why people conflate acceptance with defeat. This is exactly why. Because it’s used to usually express *this is all there is. / IT IS WHAT IT IS* .
In conclusion: it’s *extremely* important to be precise in our wording and communication. It’s saves a LOT of suffering through misunderstandings. aka say “acknowledge that this is happening/happened” instead of saying “accept it”.
@@anomallie Acceptance of yourself actually has a long spiritual history. It's about accepting the truth about thyself, about your composition, about your inner systems, functionings and emotional balance. It is done so, because then you can let go of all non important thoughts, like regret. If you let go of all negative emotions, you can start focusing on how to fix thyself. That's why it's called accepting yourself and not acknowledging.
9:27 “learning what you can trust about your mind is one of the most useful skills that I’ve ever learned”. Great quote
The “META GAMING POGGGERS” killed me
The way I now understand the necessity of meditation... Finally, someone explained that to me, what was happening with my mind while I was meditating every day. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep it up till today, but definitely, I'm going back to it now
I order you to sit and meditate for one hour tonight young man
@@thewildhealer541 haha
There was this funny reply to self reflection and depression : "Uninstall it" at 10:35, just felt like shouting it out.
Another one just after it said:
"[Pepe] install firewall"
This is a perfect time for me. RUclips recently recommended me the scene from Breaking Bad where Jesse is trying to sell meth to a support group, but he actually kind of opens up because he gets so offended by the idea that he should accept who he is, considering how awful of a person he actually is.
Something about that scene really stuck with me.
my god, the way he weaves MMO jargon into the way he talks about life is absolutely brilliant. We need more people to take this approach to discussions of mental health. This is amazing.
''Learning what you can trust about your mind is one of the most important skills that I ever learned''. Couldn't agree more
Glad you wrote this down because you said it do enthusiastically and fast 😂
That "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" part - Trueeeeee, I always hated this entitled attitude people that have that mindset show. Acceptance then Change
This is really helpful for me. I've been finding myself in this bad mindset where I do badly in my studies for a semester and instead of doing my best to still accomplish something I thought "well I shouldn't beat myself up for failing" and basically geared up to procrastinate more and accept my failure. I can accept what happened in the past without accepting that I'll do it again now.
Luckily I got my shit together this semester, thanks to my friends believing in me and not wanting to dissappoint them.
This happened to me except for the entire school year last year. I fucked up the first semester but I truly didn’t think I could ever fix myself and I went down this hole of procrastination and self hate. The only reason why this happened is because I never accepted myself and my failures. Nonetheless, good for you for getting your shit together! ❤️
@@awkblkgirll haha same... Fucked up my 1st year in college. Had a lot of soul-searching to do
Oh shit this is me
"I can accept what happened in the past without accepting that I'll do it again now." - that's such a powerful sentence. You have power, friend.
The way I heared this concept that clicked as a way to articulate self acceptance without adopting a stuck mindset was "Love yourself completely as you are, but do not love the state that you are in."
Acceptance is merely refusing delusion.
6:45 getting "cursed gear", what an amazing analogy! Really puts into perspective some of the things we get frustrated over that were inherited from our elders
I love when Dr.k gets on these emotionally charged rants.
Subbed to this guy out of curiosity, only just sat now and watched a vid, what a beautiful human being!
I hope anybody reading this improves their lives 😊
Accept the past; change yourself in the present so you can embrace the future
This is an interesting and helpful take on the question, but I had a different interpretation of it entirely which I think could be its own entire discussion. To rephrase it the way I read it, "How do I know what about myself I even should be critical of in the first place?"
There are obvious things, like lack of motivation, physical fitness, etc. but then there are more nebulous things I see people I know struggle with; like being a porn-centric artist in spite of a strict Christian upbringing, which not only invokes conflicting feelings about the potential _morality_ of the practice, but can also lead to you getting surrounded by a somewhat unsavoury community.
There's reluctance to pursue relationships in a general societal climate where such things can be hazardous, financially untenable, and/or have proven historically on a personal level to always end poorly for similar reasons. I see about 20 times more people miserable with their current or past relationships than anyone who's had anything work out well for them in the long term, meanwhile I see plenty of people who've learned to cope with being single and even embrace the freedom of it. Yet it's supposed to be an important thing to pursue and I've no doubt is adversely affecting my mental state to be wilfully pushing aside in spite of how much _objectively better_ my life has been in its absence.
How do you figure _that_ crap out??
that's why you need to read the bible.
practice everything in the bible "constantly" and "devoutly". For it is God's words, and God is all knowing.
do not listen to non-believers, listen to non-Christians, listen to atheist. For they try to confuse you and disorient you, tempt you to give up your belief.
Therefore all non-Christian are what doctor K describes: those that don't accept God and insist they don't have to become better via believing in Christianity.
@@williampan29 Been there, done that, thanks.
@@MediaMunkee I'm being sarcastic. Apologize.
the truth is your question partly objected some of the premise of doctor K, and exposes the weird paradox of self-improvement:
for instance, we usually think a person that farts wherever he finishes a meal is a flaw that should be fixed. but if you are living on an island alone, do you think it matters you need to fix it? would you be critical of yourself farting? if you see a person being anxious or worry of farting in the middle of no where, would you think he is sane?
You wouldn't, because this quirk is a "flaw" only in the context of living among people or dense urban area where doing so will make you looked down upon and reduce chance of making friends or promotion.
therefore just like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder; flaws is in the eyes of the beholder, too. We are critical to parts of ourselves depending what others deemed to need to fix. Others are mirrors to us. Otherwise why expend time and energy into fixing something that won't bring social benefits? Remember: you cannot buy time back.
The anxiety then, comes from having no visible feedback from the improvement, to prove the causality between what you/doctor K. see as critical: if you dress well sleep well eat well and have fix most of your flaws but still no job no girlfriend for 5 years, is there really a causality between your flaws and your current less desirable state?
If you continue to believe there is a causality despite the weak link, what makes it any different than believing it is caused by not believing god?
that's why conspiracy theories arise during time of economic recession: I've worked on myself so hard; I've been critical to myself to the point of burnout, why is there no improvement? Therefore, it is due to outside circumstances: jews, immigrants, elites, etc.
It’s like Jordan Peterson said “no you’re not fine the way you are” but he also says to not to be too hard on yourself and to compare yourself to the previous version of yourself not to other people.
There’s a lot of problems with JP
I would love to see Dr.K talking with JP about psychology
@Timothy This. Exactly.
@Timothy nah bro he is literally transphobic, misogynistic and pushes the Cultural Marxism conspiracy theory on a regular basis. He's good at giving advice regarding psychological issues tbf but he is NOT educated or correct in anything he says regarding politics. Critique those you look up to or you will be destined to be a parrot rather than a rational actor. JP is not Jesus, and even if he was, he is not above criticism.
@Timothy the dude cant go five minutes without scapegoating leftists...
The strangest thing is that as a society we expect the exact opposite from people. We have these hard and fast rules that humans at all ages of all upbringings are supposed know and understand and wether or not you break any of the rules really just come down to a role of the dice as to wether or not you find yourself in a circumstance in which it is plausible that you'd make the wrong decision and if you do everyone shits on you. It makes no sense.
Yep, that's tribalism in a nutshell.
Guys dont be surprised if the views on this video increase tenfold, i'm gonna watch it 300 times
Roger that
That’s not how RUclips views work
Accepting everything about yourself sounds odd until you recognize that the alternative requires rejecting things about yourself. Rejecting that something shitty happened to you, or that you did something shitty. Rejecting that you have ADHD or depression. Rejecting the portion of reality that describes who you are and what you're experiences have been.
The only alternative to accepting everything about yourself is therefore denial, and most people are in denial about something, including me!
These psychology vids are pog and all but what I really want is a vid on dr K’s hair products
I think he mentioned it in a Q&A at some point. You could probably find it by skimming through the comment sections of those vods with Ctrl+F.
I'm willing to bet his gorgeous hair is due to genetics and proper diet.
His hair truly is amazing.
I thought only i was developing this hair fetish
Someone please link the video here if found his hair care
not even 2 minutes in but I frickin' love Dr. K
> RANDOM NOTES <
Accept and forgive each and every aspect of your present self, wherever you are. This means accepting that you can’t do anything about anything that has happened before. If you’re undeveloped in adulthood because of your childhood or if you made a bad decision that is still haunting you, accept that there is nothing you can. You can beat yourself up for it, think over the what-ifs, blame your past self for not doing X, or you can do the helpful, healthy thing and just accept it. Reality is the present, not the past or the future. Think about what you can do instead.
==You didn’t know any better==
Recognize that it’s not your present self’s fault for the circumstances you find yourself in. After all, the you of today is not the same as the you years ago when you made those mistakes. When you think about it, those are completely different people! How can you blame your past self? He didn’t know any better. Poor kid must be so confused and unguided. How can you expect him to understand what he understands now? It’s foolish to blame him, you have better uses of your time.
What we must do is accept the present circumstance and that we can’t do much to change the past. Accept that you did what you did, that you didn’t know any better. This is self-compassion. Mistakes are deterministic, caused by past events, and part of everyday life. What matters is the present and what you can do now.
==Play the present game with base stats==
It’s like in a video game where you have base stats. You don’t whine at the character backstory for making this so, you just play the game with these stats and limitations. Everything is just circumstances and limitations in the present, there’s nothing to blame, it is the way it is. All you need to do is find what you can do to change it.
I think that person meant "How to understand what parts of yourself you can't change and stop beating your head against the wall trying".
The answer to this question, however, is not the one people would like to hear.
There's no method or guarantee to achieve that on your own. You should see the actual living breathing specialist face to face. A psychotherapist, maybe a psychiatrist.
an especially painful reality if you dont have the money to gamble on one
I feel the essence of the question "How to understand what parts of yourself you can't change and stop beating your head against the wall trying" is that the person in question doesn't understand themself enough, causing them to lack knowledge (or confidence) in what parts of themself can change and what parts cannot change.
If all that is lacking is knowledge of oneself, all that one needs to do is explore oneself (AKA ask questions about yourself, reflect why you are the way you are). This can be done alone, with close friends, or with a specialist, though in most circumstances, doing it with a specialist will/should be the most effective by virtue of the specialist's skills and experience.
@@kavenxiong5521 This can't be done alone, because you call judgements by means of your own cognition. And your friends will probably not be able to help you either, because since you're friends, you might be sharing the same world view, biases and cognitive mistakes. It's like trying to fix dislocated hand with the same hand. Stuff of movies, not reality. You need a specialist.
And good luck if you have a mental condition and don't know about that. It'll be the same trouble times five.
@@qasderfful In my humble experience, I would say that you are underestimating the capabilities of humans. For what it's worth, I know with certainty that I and some people in my life have been able to identify what they can, can't, want to, and won't change about themselves without the help of a specialist, whether it be with a group or alone. From trivially easy things to identify like appearance and behavior to complex things like motivations, how they show love, what instills anxiety/fear, and deep-seated biases, it is my understanding that people are capable of at least identifying things they can and cannot change.
Additionally, I'm curious where you got the notion that being biased makes it impossible PERIOD. It's not like we're talking about the actual act of changing, which is long, arduous, and often does require a specialist. But I digress. In my experience, while our biases will make the task more difficult, it is nevertheless achievable. It takes some trial and error, ego bruising, and hard pills to swallow, but it is nevertheless achievable.
There's certainly people where they can't identify such things without a specialist or even not at all. However, I'm assuming most people who read this also frequent Dr. K's content and thus are at least aware of mental health. To them I could not in good conscience say that it's IMPOSSIBLE to do it without a therapist, only more difficult. (Obviously I'd reccomend seeing a therapist but if circumstances don't allow for that it's not like it's unsolveable without one.)
@@kavenxiong5521 By the looks of it, this is a survivorship bias. I trust in your ability to find out what it is by yourself.
The point is, your people got lucky. Assuming they indeed figured themselves out. And billions don't get lucky. Luck isn't a method, you can't *rely* on some circumstances happening that will show your life in a new light.
Moving on, I'm not talking about plain bias. I'm talking about logical fallacies, culture (that acceptance misconception the video's about, for example, is a product of USA's (and some other countries') culture), narcissistic parents, autism, schizophrenia.
We all have lens we're observing the world through. If your lens have been damaged ever since your birth, basically, you wouldn't be able to know this, unless somebody, or some circumstance, points it out in the way you can understand. And circumstances only happen for *some* people. And if you check your lens (or say the image of your lens) for damage *through the very same lens*, you wouldn't know what's really happening with them.
My mother had some wisdom about this back when I was young and got disgusted with myself over something I'd screwed up... It was something of formative years and I just wasn't good at a skill or some such...
She taught me to go to a mirror every night, and apologize to myself for all the shortcomings and screw ups I could remember for the day... Apologize for being human and flawed as a blanket sentiment is just as good... but specifics help point out where I needed to work on myself... AND then accept that apology. FORGIVE myself for being human.
AND every morning go back to that mirror with my list of things to work on, and make a promise to do just a little bit better than I was the day before. It's a new day, and I can improve. It doesn't mean I have to completely fix anything, only work on it... MAKE the effort.
AND understand that it's not always going to work out as well as I hoped for. Being human is a state of being less than perfect. Owning up to our imperfections and seeking to improve ourselves is an exercise toward growth and progress.
I'm 45 now, and I still practice that goofy little exercise more nights and mornings than not. I'm still not as patient or tolerant of other people's BS as I'd like to be, but as they say "It's a work in progress"... Most of us are just winging it anyways. ;o)
I am honestly astonished how even Dr. K's videos about topics that I think will be about X are actually about X and Y and Z too and unearth some stuff that has been bothering me and it helps me so much that someone qualified says and explains stuff in a way I can understand.
This may sound strange but this channel has helped me more over the course of a few weeks than anything else to get past my issues or at least start working on them in an effective way.
I had a really bad day today, I had unhelpful thoughts, I was anxious, I let my depression creep in, but listening to Dr. K makes me feel like I am getting back on the right track and into the right mindset again. It's literally free therapy for me and one that actually helps and is not some bla bla (which I had experienced and had to pay for it too). Thank you Dr. K, thank you so much.
The only thing that I have a different experience with is meditation helping depression. I tried it for several weeks and I found out that it can actually make my depression worse because I am "alone with myself" and when my mind starts to take over it's not good.
This really reminds me of a lot of trauma work. Like how when you have a flashback one of the activities is to ground and stay present and another is to separate yourself and soothe your inner child/self that experienced the attack whilst reminding yourself you are separate and adult/stronger than your past self.
I can see this is good advice for a lot of things. My problem is when something can't be changed. Such as having chronic fatigue. I can keep trying and trying to make it better, but it is never happening. In those cases I think it's better to accept it, and try to manage as best as you can. I feel lke there are some things you just need to learn to live with, because beating your head against the wall stops being fun real fast.
I have chronic fatigue/burnout too. Dr K's advice on accepting where you are at now is really important. But don't resign yourself to never improving. Focus on giving the body lots of rest and healthy food to heal, and then very slowly increase activity levels. I mean very very slowly, lots of pacing yourself with short efforts and long rest breaks. Avoid triggers and distress. It's a condition that improves on what I call a 'roller coaster path' of progress and setbacks, that you can get to trend slowly upwards over the time frame of years. 5 years ago I was mostly bedridden, could barely stand to warm pre-made meals in a microwave and was loosing muscle condition, after lots of rest, learning to calm the system down via the parasympathetic nervous system, self pacing, graded exposure ladder processes and self care, I can now cook simple meals and walk 3kms. I still have to be very careful of my triggers and anything that puts load on my immune system, as they can put me back into bed for days and scramble my ability to think clearly. But now I have more days where life feels closer to 'normal', well maybe 70% of normal! My expectations of life and work have changed. When you are running on low energy then it becomes more important to do the meaningful stuff and let go of many of society's expectations. I hope this helps others who read this.
Dr. K just put into words something I've been struggling to explain for years. Accepting and loving yourself does not mean complacency
Wow I've had this question for years, I'm glad Dr. K answered this post
I was told again and again to not blame myself for the past and it didn't drilled on my head until I heard "Are you going to blame a lvl 6 for not being a lvl 22?" for the first time, it finally clicked.
When you accept yourself the realization that one IS change comes, and nothing can be done about that
Nailed it Dr. K. I manage web developers and they really get caught up in the metacognition surrounding the job. So much of what I do is helping them let that go and accept their current limitations as completely acceptable at the moment and not permanent, and that we're in the level up journey together. Tech skills can be learned! Being a noob or new isn't bad, worrying about being bad will only take away your motivation to take on new challenges (slowing innovation). I know from my own experiences from my time as a developer 🤣
...huh. I'm guilty of vicious self-talk, and I've heard the advice of accepting myself in the past. And I've never given it enough credit because if I wasn't highlighting my character problems then I believed I would become complacent in not changing them.
...never once occured to me to think of the way Dr. K just described...
My biggest problem with my last therapist is that she kept harping on acceptance. She would always suggest that I should accept things, but she never gave me a workable definition of acceptance. What is the "doing" of acceptance? How is it supposed to feel? How do I know when I've done it? How do you really release the attachment and the charge from a thought or feeling?
I don’t think Dr.K understood the question, I think what the question means is like if someone is introverted should they accept that they’re not social or should they be working on becoming more social, something like that
Yeah I think that, too, especially because he talked about his natural temparament in his last videos that he stopped trying to change; although this video was still very enlightening
Yup exactly..... you should be working on being more social.... even im trying and its fricking hard esp with social anxiety
but being in that pit aint gonna do any good :/
It depends, imo. If you feel like you are lacking social interaction and want to change, but your introversion or social anxiety is holding you back, you should be working on it. If you're happy with the level of social engagement you have in life and don't do it more because of a healthy choice based in your innate temperament, rather than anxiety or depression or bad coping mechanisms, then you should work on it.
For me, I basically had to get to the point where I was someone who is able to go to a party and have a good time and be social and not have anxiety. Once I was that person, I could choose not to go to parties if I don't want to, so I mostly don't. But at least I have the option now.
Also important to remember some people's Dharma legitimately comes down to *not* being social. The difference is that most people who are not social are that way because of maladaptive programming. It is a very important distinction that can easily be lost.
Unfortunately, a 13 minute video cannot address the massive complexities of mental health. There will always be some degree of inaccuracy and some degree of missing-the-point.
Here is where I have contemplated the meanings of "egosyntonic" and "egodystonic".
If a trait of yours is egosyntonic, fèlicitacions! Sit with it and be happy with yourself.
If a trait of yours is egodystonic, work on it.
Things like this can even apply to neurological traits as well, such as undesirable quirks in autism. I've learned theory of mind throughout the years by practicing lying, and where I once had a poor understanding of others and a faulty expectation for them to understand me, now I can measure others in a matter of seconds with a few strategic words, and even explain myself better.
Hell, I even managed to shape my sexual orientation to something a bit more to my tastes!
This video did more for me than 2 years of conventional therapy did. I had to pauze it right here and just spend an hour recollecting myself.
I didn’t realize that I was so angry at myself for the psychoses I went through four years ago.
I just celebrated the fact that I’m not sick anymore, that I’m doing life without medication. I’m living my best life again, with loving friends, hobby’s, studies and a cool job. I praised myself for my hard work. Not knowing how much judgement I had for how I behaved when I was sick.
The kid was so confused. He didn’t knew any better. He did what he could. Clueless kid. Give him a brake. He needed help.
Thanks for your amazing work Dr K. Watched 80% of your guide. And I’m halfway through all your RUclips video’s. It really helped rebuilding the foundation of my mental health. I’m grateful.
You can’t even EAT until you ACCEPT that you’re HUNGRY. You might even say “I’m hungry” acceptance really is step 1.
Dr. K is such a blessing to all of us. Thank you so much! Stay Healthy, Gamers. Keep grinding. 💪🏻
Dr.K and David Goggins are the two people giving me the tools and structure to make a life and person I’m proud of👌👌
"The only difference between poison and the medicine is the dosage." - Paracelsus
For the first time in years I feel hope.
Ironically, I was thinking about this today. I was thinking about wanting to be the best version of myself at all times, but I'm not sure where that ends and begins. I think it goes into always feeling like I need to learn and correct things about myself, but I do it to a point of bad burnout.
that's because people don't "improve", they "adapt".
a giraffe with longer neck is not better than one with shorter neck. the neck length change is simply how giraffes adapt to eating leaves from taller and taller trees.
therefore adaptation is eternal and constant: employers hire high-school diploma decades ago. Later all want bachelors; then, all want masters; eventually PhDs, then nepotism.
if you can't adapt, you perish.
I feel like the question wasn't addressed, which is a shame because it's something I struggle with very immensely. Given the opportunity, there is nothing I would not change about myself. If I could have anything I wanted, I would be a different person entirely, with none of the same memories or loved ones or anything. Obviously this will never happen, so where do I practically draw the line? What things should I not obsess over trying to change when I hate absolutely everything?
When you wanna change things that you can't, it really paralyzes you and saps your ability to change the things that you can and need to. How do I "accept" these things? I know they'll never change but I'll always want them to. I can't see a reality where I "accept" my state of being without being totally resigned, apathetic and completely soul crushingly depressed.
8:40
I feel like you've answered your own question... If there are things you genuinely can't change, you need to stop obsessing over them. Its okay to look at where you are now and say "alright, so I haven't been able to change these things for the last 2 years/5 years/10 years or whatever and that sucks, and these things may still be unchanged 5 years from now and that sucks too, BUT, here is a thing I can start changing right now. I don't have to let the past self continue to sabotage this."
Obviously its gonna be really hard, but think about it: a year from now you could either be exactly the same, or you could be the same APART FROM that one thing that you worked on. And the thing about forcing changes upon yourself is that it can unexpectedly change the way you think about a lot of other stuff. The more I force myself to go out and meet people to combat my social anxiety, the less negative feelings I have about my body, and the less I see myself as a failure. There are things we cannot change, but we CAN change the way we look at them.
But the fact remains that I'll always want to change these things, and I'll always be miserable for my inability. I can't simply decide not to want to change.
i wish the "therapist" from the rehab in breaking bad have told jesse the same thing, because he hasn't, and i was left for a long time with a feeling that some people are bad and they have to just accept it and then drown in self hatred
I love how sassy and passionate Dr. K gets here. So funny but also really gets the picture across. I'm encountering so many ways people have misconceptions like this.
Also I have felt that I've lived many lifetimes, so Dr. K seeing himself at a different age as a totally different person is reassuring.
Every dr K video I watch, just blows my mind ☠️.
I love Dr K and his analogies to games. It's like so understandable hahaha
my first girlfriend told me "would have/should have doesnt exist". Sticks with me to this very day.
That's been the most insightful video in a while for me. Much love to the HG-Team!
Just wanted to say that Dr.K is now officially a world heritage landmark.
Also I dig the psychedelics thing and you're right to give some warnings and disclaimer. That being said, I did some research on MDMA and the funny thing was that the professional manual was basically "let the drug work and do its thing on the patient, just stand in the back and be a helpful presence". HOWEVER there are many things to know and one can never fully appreciate the info needed and the research that are what essentially make a true professional. Stay safe out there. Cheers.
This is easily one of the most important videos on this channel. Thank you, Dr. K.
- Accepting yourself has nothing to do with not changing. We are conditioned to think the opposite by society. The “If you don’t accept me at my worst” bs.
- Accept everything and change everything.
- Accept each and every aspect of yourself, your present self, wherever you are. Accept that you can’t do anything about anything that has happened before now. If you’re screwed from your job because of the pandemic, there is nothing you can do about that. Determinism creates us. It the game. Accept it. And then, change it.
- We must accept. So many people get caught up rewriting history instead of accepting the present. “If I did this thing, this wouldn’t be in this situation” thinking is completely useless. That shit happened. There are no Ifs, reality is in the present.
- Know that it’s not your present self’s fault that you can choose to beat yourself up for it or accept it. After all, the you of today is not the same you as you years ago when you made those mistakes. Those are completely different people. How can you even blame your past self? The guy didn’t know any better. Poor kid was confused and unguided. How can you expect him to understand what he understands now. He didn’t know any better. Mistakes are deterministic and they are a part of life. What we must do is accept the present circumstance and that we can’t do much to change the past. Don’t beat yourself up for it, play the game with these circumstances. It’s just another level with different elements and difficulties. This is what self-compassion is: not blaming the poor kid of the past for being a kid.
- Accept that you did what you did, that you didn’t know any better, accept every aspect of yourself, and then change.
- Accept that you aren’t perfect 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago, hell even now. Each iteration has bugs. Your mission is to improve it, but you gotta accept there’s some bugs there first.
People like to confuse what acceptance and tolerance mean. Acceptance simply means acknowledging what something or someone is, and tolerance simply means putting up with it instead of changing.
Healing tears, Dr. K! Thank you so much, you're such a blessing to us. This vid hit HARD.
Thank you Dr. K Always helping us understand and grow
I microdosed psylocibin (legally) while suffering extreme depression for a couple weeks, it actually worked. I know it could come back but in that moment, they really helped me to see things from a new perspective and helped against rumination.
I feel like this is such an obvious thing to understand. I had trouble with this for a long time since growing up, I’m now turning 18 and have already discovered the impact of accepting who you are making you feel more likely to change. Watching this video makes it clearer to understand even after. You should always know that you have control of your life and be confident in yourself even with your flaws and good sides, but you are not always perfect in what you do so you should look to improve. Ever since I found Dr. K’s channel I’ve been learning so many things. I want to thank you Dr. K for the many things you’ve helped me with!
Imo what determines if I should change or not is if I'm having an issue in my life that I can't or don't want to have.
If someone is mean but they're genuinely ok being alone and hated by everyone, they have the full right to live that way unless they do anything illegal.
But if someone feels lonely and wants to be accepted by a society, even if they're not necessarily evil, there's probably something they can work on.
1:55-2:41 this whole concept blew my mind. It seems so obvious but the way you put it made me truly understand it so clearly.
I just found this channel today and the amount of questions he just answered that ive been dealing with for the past year that ive slowly tortured myself trying to understand is unbelievable.. everything ive been so confused about and struggling over and hating myself for has all become so much more clear due to these videos. I dont feel completely alone in trying to solve these issues. You truly are an incredible person.
I'm 30 and I swear this is so helpful. Why didnt I meet you 10yrs ago Dr. K or even 15yrs ago. 😤 Kidding aside, thank you so much.
Wow. Thank you for the talk about not blaming your past self, because our past selves didn't know any better, I can let it go and move forward. I really needed to hear that.
I wish they thought us that in school... It would've saved our lifes or at least a HUGE amount of time
Unlikely you'd have listened to it. Kids don't do that well, even if it makes sense.
That's your parents role to teach you life lesson and how to act as a individual, school is only here to get you a job
@@jeffrey6067 you’re right. I have no doubt all of our high school were littered with cat-poster type material posted up on the walls, trying to tell us these truths about life. The reality is that a) they aren’t enough, and b) we weren’t ready to accept them
@@jeffrey6067 its not that kids are unwilling to learn.
Schools usually just go at things in a very backwards way. Forcing the kids to come to them instead of going to the kids.
Thats what your parents are supposed to do... good luck with that
Dr K is like the wise parent i never had. Great pep talk!
I'm going to take that "Go out there and drink bro" part out of context as advice. Thanks Doc
I just wanted to tell you I felt really down and I was searching the internet for advice but everything just made me feel worse about myself. I think you do great work and really saved me from having a mental breakdown and for that I thank you.
i just wanna live in a place where im not dealing with constant hostility and rejection no matter what i do while people who openly harm others are met with acceptance and reward.. i want to live in a place where people can acknowledge basic science like - humans need to bathe / eat / sleep and the reality that employers never hire people who have no stability in their lives.. i want to live in a place where gaslighting isnt the most common form of communication. i want to live in a place where the person who has been clean from drugs for a decade gets treated better than the person shooting heroin into their body on a daily basis. why is everything here so fucking backwards?
Why would you treat someone better based on what they choose to put into their body? Seems like some backwards thinking people like my grandparents would do. De-stigmatise drug use, like our friends in canada and all around europe have done. Drugs are not inherently/morally bad, we've just been tought to think that way. Recognize social constructs so we can all move forward in society
@@lordgriselbrand4600 Because a lot of people want to live in a morally black and white-ish system. "Do x, get y" etc.
@@lordgriselbrand4600 It’s not about what drug users do, it’s about what it represents. It’s always about what it represents. The problem is not heroin itself, but how people typically tend to use it and the ways they typically tend use it is to chase that feeling of high. They attach themselves to a sensation.
That’s addiction in a nutshell. Addiction throws people off balance and they in turn have unhealthy lives. They experience intense withdrawals because the bodies of heroin addicts have adapted their “balance” to only being able to basically live off of heroin. Heroin becomes breathing to them and if they don’t get it in their system then they “can’t function”.
It’s the same thing with having an alcoholic for a father. Knowing this are you still going to defend people like them?
Was with you 100% until the last point. Drug users do not inherently deserve to be treated worse than people who don't use. The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection.
To add to this, there are definitely things that we can't change about ourselves that we should accept. For example the shape of our nose or the sound of our voice. We can't change this, but we should learn to accept it even if we in some cases are insecure about them.
This is a great video. I feel like I need to set a reminder to rewatch this one a month just to remind myself of the key learnings here
Thank you for this concept Dr. K
I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder back in late 2019, and PTSD on top of that early 2020. I ran from getting the help that I needed to heal shortly after the 2nd diagnosis. It's taken me so long to accept the decision I made back then, running away from the ones who loved me genuinely. I am kind of stuck in a toxic situation because of the pandemic currently, but I'm going to accept that fact from now on, and look more towards moving forward from this point on. I desperately want to understand how my mind works, even though it's confusing trying to understand the intricacies of my diagnosis' and how they coincide together. When I think back on the months before leaving, I don't understand what made me make such a brash decision in the first place. I'm going to work on thinking more clearly in the present, and trying not to focus on what was going on a year and a half ago, because it's all so hazy now anyway. I need to be present, and change accordingly.
Me and my Boyfriend were talking about this kind of recently, about when you should be yourself in a relationship and when to change to please a partner. How much give and take there should be
there should*
sorry 😞
@@alergames147 thanks
@@morningcoffeecat2271 That is something you want to discuss with your partner for sure. In a healthy relationship, there should be a lot of open communication. What kind of change are they looking for in you and you in them? Write it all down and see if the two of you can come up with agreeable ways to adjust them appropriately. This also let you see clearly how much changes you're expecting from each other.
Dr. K I hope you read this one day. I lost my ex of 3 years, I lost my brothers and I had no friends. I found your RUclips channel through RUclips shorts and I can confidently say you've changed the path my life might've taken. Thank you for being a positive role model for me!
I feel like Dr. K is having an issue with using the wrong words. I think he means acknowledge, not accept.
He says "where on earth did we say that once you accept something that's the way it is forever?"
But that is kinda the definition of "accept": to receive willingly; to give admittance or approval to; to endure without protest or reaction; to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable.
Whereas acknowledge seems much closer to what I think he is saying.
Change is slow. You gotta accept where you are, meaning your emotions too. Acknowledging things only involves the mind and still allows separation.
I think acceptance is right. He is talking about really accepting that, right at this present moment, things are the way they are. Because you can't change what already happened. Acceptance of the present moment does not obligate you to accept that you (or the situation) can't change, though. You can decide to take action.
Eckhart Tolle says exactly the same thing.
I mean, I have mad respect for this man in general. But if he is somehow managing to say the things he says AND read his comments in Twitch chat at the same time and not get completely distracted from his train of thought …. He deserves even more respect. Lol
lately I've been really beating myself up over not starting HRT when I wanted to 5 years ago when I was 21. and honestly if I did start HRT back then I would most likely be who I want to be now. now I'm just about to start at 26. I will likely never be passable because I'm starting so late. but watching this video I started crying because I was finally able to feel compassion for that 21 year old 5 years ago cuz she was just figuring things out. its not worth it to worry about how things couldve been if I had started HRT back then. I've accepted that I can only change the present. Thank you.
In regards to your statement about people being different now vs 10 years ago; what about people who repeat the same mistakes over time? If you lose trust for someone, you can’t get it back just because it’s been a long time. Do we just have faith in people and accept the risk of being hurt again?
Hmm... To be fair though, he was referring more about accepting your past self rather than others' pasts. For me though, I guess I would remain distrustful until they have clearly changed. How clearly I'd determine that, I don't know yet... I'm still 17 lol. Thanks for the question, I'll think more about it.
Edit: typo
Thats up to you.
As the other commenter said dr.k was talking about self acceptance.
Accepting others and not accepting others are two choices you are free to make. No one can make them for you nor should you make them for someone else. Acceptance and trust are powerful things.
You must understand and completely believe in your heart that other people are outside of your control. People believe what they want to. You cant forcibly change the inner character of other people, if you are lucky and manage to truly convince them you may be able to change their *behavior*. If you are unlucky and are dealing with a bad person (psychopath, narcissist, etc)
You simply cant change them, you need to escape these people as fast as possible. Get far, far away from them, cut all ties because they WILL NOT listen, they will drag you down, gaslight you, make you feel self doubt, hatred, fear, guilt etc.
Commenting this before the video starts. I have an enormous issue with this. Ive tunneled vision the idea of being who I am and not wanting to change that bc then I won’t be who I am. I think made sense right? That’s the short of it. I would go in circles if I continue.
No matter how much you change, you will always be who you are
to reject change is to reject growth. Aren't we all here watching this channel because there are parts of ourselves we are unhappy with? I agree change is scary, but stagnation seems far worse
I find it difficult to listen to this because ever since kid, late elementary I would say, I had that as my attitude that "accepting who you are" is not set in stone forever. I feel like I was talking to the wall and eventually, I went with phrase "don't cast pearls before swine". It's just - whenever I said to people something about improving, they were like "Hey, it's just enough who you are" and I started to detest that phrase because in 99% of cases it meant - don't do anything.
Just thanks for publishing such video. Especially, the the fact that acceptance is not the solution, but only a first step. Thank you!
What about stuff like "I'm not as cool or interesting as I should be or I am not as funny." How much of your personality should you change or accept?
I guess the answer is to accept those feelings, not that fact. I mean, the problem is not the object (I'm not as cool), is your vision of the object. Looks like it comes from intrusive thoughts or some TOC. I recommend you to watch his interview with connoreatspants. It's bold to assume that I hit the bullseye, but I hope so. Good luck and tell me if it helps you.
I think you are restating the question answered in the video. Within that statement, there is a "should". Your notion of what you "should" be is premised in lacking acceptance because you are focused on the past and what could have been "if" this and "if" that. As Dr. K mentioned, you are not choosing between accepting and changing. In fact, not accepting stands in the way of you changing because it prevents you from seeing the problem and/or encourages you to beat yourself up over not meeting that "should".
As mentioned in the video, accept and change everything. Each iteration of yourself is going to be imperfect. What you actually end up trying to change is completely up to you. It depends on where you honestly think you an improve after working out shame, self-blame, and other things so that you can honestly diagnose what your bugs are.
@@ab3240 what if you hate yourself?
@@vivvy_0 Hating yourself is something you have to work through, as mentioned at the end of my comment and in Dr K's video. Is it very hard to improve yourself when you are constantly feeling shame and putting yourself down because it messes with your motivation and ability to see where you can improve.
Being cool and interesting is overrated. The warm and boring people are the happy ones.
The thing I'm worried about is when I'm trying so desperately to "change" myself to impress or please others, I begin to lose myself. Should I "change" so I can live up to others' expectations in exchange for losing who I am no matter how high the standards may be?