this was very informative, i have past trauma and was not aware of voice changes, when i started using voice chat a lot people would occasionally ask me if i changed my voice or even if there was another person present, it was really confusing , at first i thought it was a way of people trying to pick on or make fun, but some people were genuinely confused . Learning about it was a bit hard to process because its not intentional or noticeable to me, so it was something i had to accept as just something that happens.
Really ?? What's your next question gona be ? "Was your mother ugly ?" Narc's looks have an impact on their traits. Start a Utube channel of your own. See how many likes you get ?? @@JavaZombie I work for An International Airline for the last 23 yrs. I travel Business Class for peanuts literally . I travel the world three times a year. When was the last time you set in an aircraft ?? When's your next Flight ?? How many countries have you visited.? The one you were born in and this one ??
Narcissists think they can control you by yelling and shouting, but I will not take his crap. I opened the windows and doors on purposely for the neighbors to hear. If he has different intentions, at least the neighbors know who he is. The lady next door asked. Are you OK? I told the narcissist that the neighbor is asking if I'm OK or not. I told them the truth. He shivered. Since then, he hardly yelled lor shouted anymore. He knows what I will do.
My narc would say horrible stuff to get me yelling then he would open all the windows, I caught on when my neighbors told me I was the only one they could hear. That helped me go grey rock it took me a year to master it and 8 years to figure out I wasn’t the whole problem
@@paulinsky53it means you don’t do anything to stand out to them, to catch their attention for them to make you their target so the novelty of picking on you eventually wears off, they get bored with you because you’re not feeding into their trap anymore and will go find someone else to feed off of who will.
Even after more than 40 years of marriage, my covert-narc hub was still talking about the fiancé that dumped him. l married him, so that must make me the fool?
Covert narcissists are the most moody, broody people on the planet. Stay as far away as you can from these blame-shifting shape-shifters, turn a deaf ear to them like they do to you. Good video.
They seem to appear externally until we realise all those demons are just our shadow self parts, the unhealed and unconscious within us. When we attend to it, our own internal state get appeased, fear and anger leaves our system, we find peace with ourselves and therefore others.
This is a HUGE one that no one really talks about! They change their voice up but don't technically SAY something bad so they can come at you like "are you stupid?" With their voice but you have no tangible proof because they didn't verbally SAY mean things. It's so maddening
Would you describe it as if they say something in such a hurtful tone that adding "…you dumb motherf*&+er" at the end wouldn’t hurt anymore than what was already said?
@fuzzytattoo I'm sorry... what you said made absolutely no sense to me? Verbal abuse is already a givin in these types of relationships, were on the topic of covert subliminals though. These are micro mannerisms and passive agressive tones to where they elude to something but don't actually say it. For example if I asked my ex a question and he didn't like it he would creepily cock his head and give me a creepy stare and say "why no Amanda, of course not." Nothing verbally wrong with that statement but the underlying message that is being givin is unsettling and tone used is to either make you feel less than/stupid or to instill fear. It's a silent control and bully tactic.
oh, I’m sorry I didn’t make sense. My apologies. I think I know what you mean though, like the creepiness/eeriness of the look or voice tone implied a threat to words that were said were not inherently threatening. If I am wrong there feel free to correct any misunderstanding on my part. I guess for clarification on my original comment I was more speaking to the, they don’t SAY something bad but come at you like you’re stupid with only voice not the words themselves, aspect of the comment. I apologize if I am misunderstanding that though. There are times when I would ask a question and get a response in such a tone of voice that was intended to make me feel lesser or stupid, but the words were simply the answer to the question, so there was no proof of the attack on your mental well being. So if I were to would ask why they said it like that or react hurt in anyway, they would accuse me of being too sensitive, or simply just say that they just said it flatly as if there was no inflection or tone at all. Both responses meant to gaslight and make me again feel lesser, question my reality, or not want to engage after being talked down to. For example I ask “what would you like to do for dinner tonight?” And would get “we’re having the leftovers in the fridge.” Sounds perfectly normal in text form. But was said in such a tone of voice that came across more like “we’re having the left overs in the fridge, you fucking moron!” I hope that makes sense. It’s so hard to get across what is intended in comments. So I again apologize for the misunderstanding.
Quiet martyr voice.. omg I thought I was the only one! It's so hard detect, especially after a life time of being around it. That description is spot on
I was with a covert narcissist for almost a decade. He used all of these voices at one time or another depending on what worked in the moment. He was twice the size of me and would stand over me and yell into my face when he was angry which was often the case because I challenged his behaviour. When I asked him to stop yelling he actually denied he was doing it!! My roommate overheard our argument once and confirmed to me his was the only voice she could hear. This validation helped me to eventually leave. They really do mess with your mind!
I had pretty much the exact same experience with my ex husband of 21 years. "I'M NOT YELLING!!!" While also standing over me to scare me. Boy I don't miss that.
My ex was an overt narcissist. When I tell you the fear me and my children experience when he would start screaming, would shock you. Sadly, it would turn for physical when I stopped reacting to his screaming. If you find yourself in these situations, I pray for your safety and well-being.
This when MIL FaceTime calls my daughter that sick, sweet voice makes my skin crawl then she switches to the monotone, contempt IF she says something to me or speaks of me. My daughter picked up on it a few years ago. She said it’s weird how she switches so quick. Mil used to treat my son with the monotone voice until I pointed it out and she realized it wasn’t a good look. She speaks to him with a weird combination of sweet and monotone. My son was never open to the manipulation so she gave up years ago because he’s “too much like his mom”. I’ve made sure to tell my son for years his grandmother’s behavior isn’t a reflection of him it’s a reflection of the brokenness in her due to never being seen by her mom and her brother was perfection personified.
Isn't that tiring needing to protect your kids from gnaw? I should have done the rounds to have everyone sign her 85th b-day card, nah! Visiting 17 yrs ago alone with my daughter, we came home, she did a drawing of a pig 🐖 with a devil's pitch fork with a "R.I.P. Do as you please, See you again" pig's tooth gleaming/shining next to covert gmaw's grave. It was my daughter's way of dealing with the horrendous way gnaw treated me (I didn't say one word about it). My daughter walked away leaving the larger than life drawing there for me to see, comprehend, get her take on it! I stashed it for yrs, my daughter now doesn't think that's what she meant at 10 but I know better! Xox
No narc trauma expert on YT can explain the detrimental use and abuse of the narc's voice on the victim like you, Danish! Other narc experts explain these conditions dispassionately while you spark recognition and immediate awareness in victims so they save their own lives in real time! You have gathered almost 100k more followers in less than 4 months! You resonate for all who yearn for ur voice and caring!! You are one of us and that makes ALL the difference. We love and appreciate u so for ur deeply caring authenticity! Ur our gift that keeps on giving! ❤
Well said! I agree completely! There is a special quality Danish has that no other RUclipsr possesses on the topic. Many are knowledgeable, even helpful, but Danish explains the subtleties of NPD in depth, using examples, often feom his own life, which resonate through and through. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are left brain dead by the end of the experience. Not Danish. You get the sense he's just getting started. Every video he prepares carries a new aspect of NPD, and how it affects their victims. Danish has done something truly remarkable. He has found his way through the years long trauma, and has come out on the other side, fully aware, intellectually armed, and willing to use his understanding to benefit others. An extraordinary human being. My gratitude knows no bounds.
Better not pay attention; your sanity's 😵 what they're after! Mom is/was (cripes is she dead yet?) covert 😷 and we learn what "Walking on eggshells" means, we're always feeling nervous 😓 around them once hatched Blessings everyone, better to laugh, we've cried enough! 🎠 🌅
My ex leaves voicemails that talk about what a good mother I am and how I’m the only person who can help him talk to the kids. When I don’t respond he leaves nastier toned messages that since I won’t help him, he will “fix it himself”. I was worried at first that he might do something violent but then I figured out that he was sending voicemails directly to the kids. At first it was the same, honey sweet nonsense. When my daughter didn’t respond, he started sending screenshots of wall hangings that say “you should forgive your parents”. He’s done nothing to even try to seek forgiveness. He just want to be forgiven without any effort. My kids and I agree that not responding is the best way to deal with him.
Same and so embarrassing! Older overt coke head sis' a pro at leaving brutal messages under 3 secs flat, learned from the best, our mom, her nastiness also went through my wanna be narc hubby's laptop message trap, once he listened to how everyone knew I'd tried to kill him! Plus how she was about to do a well-ness check on me, yikes! I've not seen her in 2 decades, if she trick called me I'd hang up! She spreads her demonic verbal abuses to her own kids, their kids hear it all and she can no longer get through to dementia diva as I've blocked her, again, nursing home unblocked her as mom had covid but of course Mom survived if only to spite me (I'm executrix/next of kin) but quiet child, bro, dealt with coke head sis which caused me to block him and doesn't quiet child get his kid, my nephew, texting her and he also gets targeted for abuse, as bro did, like anyone who hasn't learnt and still deals with her! I told bro it's his ego which always takes her back! No contact, stay the course! Have you seen "Rebecca Zung's divorcing a narcissist" U-Tubes? She's the bomb 💣, good luck!
I feel like my ex was equal parts covert narcissist and overt malignant narcissist. He was always going through the worst things in the world (and had survived things that would kill ANYONE else), but he would also do the back-handed compliments, be kind and supportive (when fishing for more info from me), and would help anyone in need. But he was verbally and emotionally abusive af, too. Especially the last year of our relationship.
Very inciteful information. My covert uses the victim voice quite often until she doesn't get what she wants and then it's rage. The happy voice is her public persona.
The best tactic is simply to ask them to repeat what they said. All of a sudden you'll see them experiencing amnesia and they'll become defensive and unable to repeat their own words upon your request. With a calm demeanor, continue to ask them to repeat themselves untill they get flustered and leave the room. Works every time.
wouldn't they just make up something to defend themselves? and it usually causes a fight or makes them defensive to ask even innocent questions. I would bet that they would just insist they said something different and say you are the one who is wrong. without a witness there is nothing to stop them from doubling and tripling down on something even if it is a lie. I can't imagine a narcissist making a big effort to sincerely answer your question, why would they care if they can just pretend you are the one who is wrong?
Danish, Thanks for bringing us another list of narcissistic traits. Unfortunately, I can relate to most of them on a personal level. Looking back, the super-sweet-drippy-sugary voice is one of the most disgusting. I experienced that for decades, and always regretted being 'snuckered' into going/doing things I didn't have the time/interest/energy for. I always knew some unhandy request was in the offing when I heard that overly friendly voice start making requests. The snarling/bitter/mean/forceful/threatening/angry voice is all too familiar, too. It was deployed when I wasn't complying with how they thought I should live/breathe/work/have goals/education/whatever they couldn't seem to control. The most demonic voice was used to declare, "YOU are not a Christian. You don't know how to read Greek or Hebrew. All you know is JESUS LOVES ME." I (secretly) thought, "Yes, and that knowledge/faith/belief will take me to Heaven." :) I fully agree with you, Danish, that narcissists are controlled by evil. I couldn't prove it, of course, but I can imagine that the serpent in the Garden of Eden fooled Eve using that sweet-drippy-sugary voice. :)
In court ordered counseling, my husband said “SHE CALLS herself a CHRISTIAN. CAN’T SHE JUST FORGIVE?” I immediately responded by asking “Ok, what is it that you need forgiveness for?”. His answer/reply was a disgusted grunt. He NEVER would apologize or admit any wrong doing
When my mother had that victim voice I always felt guilty and responsible for her. That voice gave me a lot of weight on my shoulders and a horrible feeling. Years later when she had that voice I felt disgust and angry. Know she doesnt need me anymore and has that monoton voice. Exactly like you sad!!
Sorry for comment spamming, but I also want to say thank you for acknowledging those of us who act bubbly and different in public to hide our trauma, but suffer terribly in private! Worrying about stuff like this is what made ME feel like a narcissist for a while. Info like this helps so much 🖤
@@acolley2891 I've heard that. It's the gaslight trauma, I think... Even though I might know something for a fact, I still catch myself full of doubt and questioning reality.
They use this voice modulation, martyr type of voice when they feel like they lose grip on you too, not only with new supply. They want others to feel pity for them, will play the vulnerable just to attract the empaths' willingness to be of service to them. They can even insult themselves in front of you so you think they're humble, but don't be fooled they don't really think that, it's just to manipulate. "I'm really too stupid to do X, Y or Z task" when in reality their display of humility is only temporary and won't last. It's often just because they want others to do these tasks for them even if they absolutely could do it and are able to do it. I found they also fake virtue. One example : "Oh I hate wasting food! I always try to avoid that" when talking to someone who's really conscious about wasting food. But when at home, they will order restaurant even if vegetables and meat are about are about to be wasted in the fridge. Or "Everyone should pay their fair share of taxes" but will do everything to avoid paying taxes when they earn any kind of money themselves. It's always double standard, double discourse, 2 face personality.
One of the voices I heard sounded literally like a serpent hissing. It was so unreal every time I heard it, that I don't remember the words. It gave me a creepy feeling and was so scary! 😮🐍🐍🐍
I had this exact same experience while being around a narcissist, and I can completely relate to what you're describing. It's remarkable how I, too, felt like I could hear a serpent-like voice, reminiscent of those movies where individuals pretend to be lizard people, complete with a slight hissing sound as they spoke. It was almost like a wind howling, a chilling and eerie hiss that sent shivers down my spine. This out-of-body encounter with a narcissist truly stands out as one of the most bizarre and unsettling experiences I've ever had in my life.
@@JamesNGames yes, I also recall the eyes during the weird sound, vacant, unemotional and 'pointing' at something. I think only people who have seen and heard this understand. Horrible!
My mother each time she would talk to me after a certain time after I awakened to the dysfunction and narcissism. I could literally see snake venom coming from her mouth…
Danish possesses a quality no other RUclipsr I've ever seen possesses on the topic of NPD. Many are knowledgeable, even helpful, but Danish explains the subtleties of NPD in depth, using examples, often from his own life, which resonate deeply with me. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are left permanently emotionally disabled, even shattered. Not Danish. With every video, you get the sense he's just getting started. Every video he prepares carries a new aspect of NPD, and how it affects their victims. Danish has done something truly remarkable. He has found his way through the years long trauma, and has come out on the other side, fully aware, intellectually armed, and willing to use his understanding to benefit others. An extraordinary human being. My gratitude knows no bounds.
I once caught that change of voice and turned on her. I told her in quite an annoyed way to stop crying and manipulating. She was so shocked that she directly stopped crying. That was when I didn’t know about narcissism yet and I’m still glad about it. It was just one time, though, when it was so very obvious that her crying was a playacted move.
As I look back over the years. My Mom, 1 aunt, 1 uncle (11 kids in the family) and 3 friends are all covert and/or overt narcs. I noticed that they all have a weird body movement that is strained or fidgety. (Hard to explain, it's not natural) And they all have that look where it's like a cat checking every nook and cranny of what your wearing, your home, car, etc. They are always looking for things to gossip about behind your back. It's a look of jealousy or something like that? They are very weird/automated when you notice their body movements.
First, I saw her face, instantly attracted, secondly, she poured out the fake bubbly personality that faded rather quickly after we started seeing each other and I was confused by it but that was just the beginning.
Ah yes... the voices... My apartment manager and my doctor have both raged AND used the sickly-sweet voice; one is terrifying, the other is nauseating. My mother has used the martyr voice, a sardonic voice and a deadly voice. Strangely, when dealing with my mother, I myself have raged and can feel my eyes pulsing...I learned later (after stopping all calls) that I had had a "silent stroke" --- I don't know if my fury brought it on, but I wouldn't be surprised. She truly is deadly, like a viper.
Yes. They do that ALOT with voice manipulations. My ex would go from talking so nicely and sweetly to crazy talking. Same thing happened with my mom growing up. From talking normally to banging tables. But mom was still preety much covert. She was still someone you could talk to on certain days. But my overt ex husband is quite another story. The funny part was watching him give this ipad to my daughter and he had put a tracker in it. I deliberately asked that gadget so that I could see what else he and his ex wife(aka) old supply was tracking in our homes. So before I migrated,I made sure i figured it all out. Fortunately I was in touch with the cops all the time. These people are twisted. You have to be ahead of the game.
Good strategy! Looking to narcissistic abuse from a legal lens is always a good thing. Obtain evidence, keep a file, and predict their games so you can 'catch' them once they slip. This is all very exhausting, so it needs to be done for the goal of moving on. I needed to expose my narcissists so their ensuing mortification would cause the hoovering attempts to finally stop. This was not without them lying to the police so I got a little visit (from police officers who luckily seemed to know what narcissism and borderline are), but this visit by police was also a good sign that the narcissists now see me as a threat. I called their bluff, exposed some more stuff to more people, nothing happened, and now I can go on.
It's always the same old ones in their "bag of tricks". But they have a weakness. And that's their ego. Once we learn how to use their ego against them,the tables can turn very quickly. They are not as smart as they pretend to be. Infact,deep inside,they are just scared lil children. Knowing that they can be exposed and caught anytime of the day
"i just had a dream" the zombie voice is what gets me. do you think they realize when they say those things or the things they say or do on purpose to make a person look bad?
Let it pass sugar, pay no attention, they can never get enough so why bother, they try to make something exciting and never seen one experienced before, let them only boringly amazed themselves!
I don't know if my mom is NPD, but she definitely has traits of covert narcissism (along with untreated borderline and PTSD and general "smother mother"). But everything matches what you say in this video. The trauma effects are real. My mother would use her own anxiety to control me: "If you don't call me, I'll worry." "If you go out late, I'll worry." "If you don't tell me what's going on in your life, I'll worry." Note that I'm not a child; I'm in my 40s. I've been no contact for a month now.
It's like she is doing this to you on purpose so that she is never out of your thoughts. My mother did the same to me as a little girl.. she would encourage me to venture out, only to pull me back when I proved I didn't need her. Its like she wants to pretend that she's letting me go, but desperately trying to keep me a prisoner.
A month!? I bet she's really worried! 😏 On a serious note though congratulations on cutting the ties and keeping it up. I'm so sorry it's a parent, that has to be so rough. But you deserve peace 🖤
First of all if your mother was a narcissist, you wouldn't be wondering, you would know. You sound like the "drunk" who got sober because he dropped a martini down his spiral staircase in his mansion. LoL that's called a quality problem. Your poor mother!
This video makes me well aware of that abandonment trauma in me that is played to get something out of me. I also see how the weight of their responsibility get shifted over time into the playing of a role with me saying to myself "what I know I must do and only I can do is what I must do" as if it is a moral IMPERATIVE, when it is actually a disgusting being sucking off of you. So I say to them, "GET OFF of me". Thank you for this critical piece of wisdom.
what I like about your channel is that you talk from experience and have inside knowledge and have gone through the trauma. Many so called therapists on youtube, only speak from books and experience as therapists not direct knowledge. There are narcissists on youtube try to give advice online and have sessions with people, being unqualified as therapists, it just seems like a money earner for them. One particular young woman very often talks about the devil and appears to be some kind of a witch, she is very suspect to me, possibly a narcissist herself. She talks a lot about the ego, higher consciences and other new age stuff. She has 100K followers to date ?! I think people should be more wary of who they listen to. What really put me off is when she said about the bible, " I don't read that shit."
What my father would do out-of-the-blue would yell at the top of his lungs my name and tell me to come here. When I walk up to him he would talk in a normal voice and it wasn't anything serious that he needed to talk about or would just throw his weight around. Every time he yelled it would send me into a panic. A great fear. Been thinking about it recently and 45 years later I'm dealing with what I consider PTSD.
I once wanted to write a book titled "Tiny Daggers" to share my experience in my family with covert narcissism. It makes so much sense hearing you talk about being stabbed by invisible knives. Thank you for the work you do in bringing light to this topic.
It was so heartbreaking to finally hear someone say those words to us we always wanted to run away from. If only this was not our reality ... but...it is. And we have to accept it.
@@engleharddinglefester4285 As much as my logical brain thinks it would be a good idea to share my testimony, my heart isn't sure it wants to spend that much time devoting energy to that story any more. Maybe one day, but that day will be when I don't live in the current environment that I live in and when I'm surrounded by more peace, love, and safety. I appreciate your suggestion and push towards sharing my story. One day.
Even i was like you Danish bending backwards to keep my Jekyll and Hyde mother happy. It was so scary growing up in that house. When I attended college she would ignore me or bark at me when I went home. Same when I went home from abroad. If I say I am not coming she will beg me to come and visit her. I was losing my mind
This description fits my SIL. She used to manipulate me with her voice and still does. Now that I heard you describe it all, I can relate to it. Sometimes she spoke with me in the dead voice and dead eyes abd then turned around to speak with another person, usually a close friend of mine in a sweet voice. The dead voice was reserved for me. Others didn't hear it or know it. I get it now.
This is the first time that I have ever heard someone talk about voice change. My mother had two different voices that she used, one was sickening sweet when there was something that she wanted and the other was one that I swear would actually lower an octive. The deep, loud voice was the voice that you knew to run and hide from.
This is a new age of enlightenment. Like my sister said, mom and dad didn't even have Oprah to figure things out. We're both in our 70s and after surviving through our school, work, and family years are grateful for the knowledge that gives credence to our experiences. Thank you for spreading help.
Finally someone is addressing how narcissists use their tone of voice to manipulate, their 'silver tongue'. This is extremely validating and confirming for me thanks Danish!
My husband mimics his exs or women he cheats with it’s always my first que he’s been sneaking around again! But with him he always had several relationships even tinder girls etc it was horrible
My sister has used all these voices in one conversation..from talking like she's a therapist (with no qualifications) to holding her side and groaning, to angrily claiming she couldn't trust me and finally dead indifference once she realised I'm finally immune. It was fascinating, until she started to work on my son, making him (in Sam Vaknin's words) her 'flying monkey'.
Sam Vaknin is not a real doctor. There's a video about him called Am I a Psychopath? or Can I be a Psychopath or I, Psychopath or something ( you will have to look for it on google) on youtube. Also make sure to read his wikipedia page.
My daughter is a covert narc does all these voices plays the victim threatening suicide so I give her money. Then I hear her on the phone with mates sweet voice then I get the monotone and shouting. I have to stay close which is hard as I have 2 grandsons to protect. My mother is also a narc I can keep her at arms length. It’s hard to juggle narc family 🙄
@@borishudej691 I wrote her a stern letter describing her behaviour, but they can't face the truth and of course I got no reply. My son and I were estranged for a while and that hurt a lot but I just kept saying to myself "I just need to love him" (that is my job) and eventually he came back to me, though we never discuss it. It's a hard road. Thanks for your interest.
Thanks for this vlog about this aspect of the abusive narc. You are so spot on about the different voices. Even though for me the narc situation (a supposed friend) lasted only a few months (thanks to God), this woman could have come straiht out of a horror movie, especially her anger/impatient behavior and voice versus the 'lovey-dovey' act. it was almost like a person possessed the way behavior/voice would change instantaneously. This narc in particular also had a certain voice she used when she was lying. I am thinking it is because she is a senior (70) and she is no longer aware of how much the 'mask' was slipping. Though the behavior/voices were completely intentional , she just didn't realize how transparent she was to people who were unfortunate enough to spend tome in her presence. In any case, your description in this vlog is helpful and validating-- thank you.
Wow you really nailed this one! I was flipping through each memory of each voice type when you went through them, then how I reacted to each one. Thanks for this helpful explanation. As Jesus told us to not be controlled by our emotions, but by the word of God. As Gods word states to love him and our neighbor, so when we don’t react, we are showing love by being wise and not hurting others by our reactions, even if the narcissist hunts us with baiting our emotions to react, as the devil prowls around as a lion, seeking whom he shall kill, we shall respond accordingly to each in love, and with boundary’s as no weapon formed against us shall prosper. Lots of love. Thanks again. Shalom is
Coming from a large family of successful social creatures, who took great pride in charming and schmoozing, I can agree completely with this. The switch in tone from person to person, adapting to different situations was always calculated and utterly cynical. They loved hoodwinking people. It wasn't just for gain. They enjoyed deceiving and getting away with it.
My parent uses a sudden authoritative voice to demand things. "I need to know....I need you to do....". Stuff like that. It's unexpected and I am not good at not jumping to for him. I'm aware it's manipulative though and I guess that's a good start.
Ya keeping us on edge... I'd hear "Josie, what are you doing, well stop it!" Visiting yrs later her middle husband got "What do you want?" Whenever the poor bastard simply walked into the kitchen "Absolutely nothing" he'd respond, his health really picked up once they split up, she had him drinking himself to death, Crown Royal at 10:30 a.m.!
@joseenoel8093 OMG! The many ways they abuse ppl is criminal. I wish I had only experienced it on TV, but then even actors and actresses (unless they are covert narcissists revealing themselves). cannot get it right. Narcissistic abuse is as real as ever!!
I have given you money.. i have helped you. I have rights to abuse you and insult you. You broke your promise by leaving me. You are a promise breaker. How can you not take accountability of your promise. If you loved me you wouldn't leave no matter how much i abuse you. Is it or is it not narcissist words?
Textbook, dual trauma, all narcs have money 💰, ours for the taking until it's enough abd we can no longer be bought, that's pretty much the same time as we learn about narcism!
Everytime i pointed out his abusive behaviour he would just come back talking about all the material things he got me as if that was an excuse i clocked this very quickly as my narc mother used to do the same
ok, the first one...thats my dad. Ive been totally taken in by that voice.He does it all the time. That sweet calm voice...I bought into something he said on Oct 31st 2021, and that got him out of the living facility situation he was in which is what brought him here for those 8 months . And that scenario here, ended up as hell in my home. And the second one..the martyr..thats mom.OMG. This is tough to acknowledge. I was the family middle child and the family mediator, I was just a child. A child who worked so hard to make them happy. Id be shampooing the carpets at midnight or baking butter tarts, all to surprise them when they got home..so theyd be so happy with me when they got home, or, Id get up early and clean up the kitchen after the late night drunken poker games or parties...holy shite.Memories are pouring in and I am feelin it. . I was the pleaser. Not anymore, thats for sure! Im 63, and I just found out my parents are both narcs and Im in survival mode. . Unbelievable.Kinda feel ill.Just remembered, last summer my mom threatened to give up on our mother daughter relationship....and I bought into it. I actually cried and practically begged her to not do that. All in all, I see her now. I see alot, now. I guess its a good thing. No wonder my body and brain have been telling me to have little to no contact..it all makes perfect sense. After dad being here for 8 months...until this June...when we got him into a retirement home...it took awhile to calm down..but about a week or so ago...I learned that I'm in Survival Mode. I thought it was because of my deep dive over past 10 yrs into the truth about whats happening out there...waking up to this stuff is hard but the thing with dad here..and last 3 months or so of that...was hell. Dad and his demons could have destroyed me emotionally and my marriage and it was all done..ohhhh soooo subtly, so quietly, almost like he was abusing me emotionally by his thoughts alone!! WTH. I am so thankful for this information, all of your videos, you are most likely helping thousands of people discover truths that have been hidden. God has blessed you..what the devil meant for evil..God can and will use that, for his good and his purposes.
the covert narcissistic mother will show to the world like a mother who does only good for her children. she will do anything to you behind closed doors and then you turn into a monster. and the people around your mom are the same. suffering, cries
The information in this video is so right on with a person I had to go completely no contact with. She was on the verge of death for the entire 10 years I knew her. She would use the voice mannerisms as described to a T. But it was done in a theatrical way for dramatic effect. She was so fake and could switch to a different mode instantly depending on the situation. She knew what she was doing too. I called her out a few times and she would huff off and go sulking to make me look like the bad guy.
Wow, you described my mother, in fact, I use the same word: "theatrical." Sometimes it looked like she was playing a role on stage, using hand gestures and everything, that were completely unnatural. She would drop the act behind closed doors with us, her kids
My mother was not a narcissist but, she always gave freedoms to my older sister, a narcissist. She was an A student but, once when in grade school, in English she got a B, she flipped out. She raged when angry but uses all those voices. She was bossy and controlling, we shared a room until she went to college. She once cornered me in the kitchen, threatening me and blocking my way. Something in me took over and I don't know Karate or anything, but I grabbed her head and flipped her around and took her down to the floor with me on top of her about to start slugging her. Then she started laughing, saying, "You should see your face right now!". I got up and she never confronted me like that again. We're older now. Tried to be phone friends but she is exhausting, toxic still. It's hard to think someone should be loving you but just can't. We don't talk as of this year.
Narcissist are also cowards, when she saw your anger and standing up for yourself she got scared and used laughter to diffuse your anger, you should have hit her, now she will use laughter again in the future, these narcs never learn or change
Yep, this is very true. I had a Narc in my life and his voice was like honey. He was always so mild and sweet sounding in every thing he said- even insults sounded lovely. It was extremely off putting because he could say cruel things but sounded like he was being the kindest soul. It almost made you feel like he was sugar coating some ugly "truth", when in reality he was spewing hate filled lies under the persona of a harmless puppy. I always felt off balance in my relationship with him- always questioning both his motives and my own perceptions of what was really happening. It was the ultimate gaslighting. What was even scarier was when he got mad or wasn't getting the reaction he wanted he could switch gears in a flash and that sweet honeyed voice could be cold and harsh- even back and forth between sentences as he tried to manipulate the situation in anyway he thought would work. He could go back and forth from victim to aggressor so quickly and so often it was hard to know if I was defending myself or actually hurting him. I had no contact with him for years and learned about covert narcissism in the meantime. When he contacted me again, I was armed with knowledge and had no intentions of taking him back. But I swear, that damn voice of his has an almost hypnotic quality... heck maybe almost is the wrong word. It IS hypnotic! He didn't work his magic on me that last time- but I swear I left the conversation feeling drained and still somehow a little guilty for not giving into him. These folks are the worst!
Omg I’ve experienced this with an ex. He hooked me with this voice. To the point where he treated me so bad and I was still at his beck and call because of that damn voice. I could never explain it but this video and your comment explained it perfectly.
same here. My x partner would insult me in such a cool way as if it definitely true and he has some rock hard evidence to support the insult and it wasn't true.
True! My narc mom will scream at me to "Shut Up! Go to hell!" if I even dare to attempt speech. Once, when I tried to talk over her, she got up out of her chair and beat on me. Narcs will do anything to keep their victims silent and suffering.😢
THIS! 4:08 Why so few people understand that there is many reasons why people might appear cheerful! Laugh is a natural way of stress release and smiling gives strenght when struggling.
4:19 Not any book expert, but from MY experience and perspective, there is no such thing as a trauma survivor who doesn't both inadvertently, and intentionally mask their trauma symptoms, which makes sense, from a misunderstood, hurt, and confused stance.
My husband's mother, he never learned. We never got ahead in life financially, there has been no end to our struggle even though she has been gone 10 years.
I couldn’t care less about how they personally feel about me. The problem is when you work for them, you can’t enforce boundaries because they have all the leverage. I’m 48 and employment is slim pickings these days.
I remember my ex used to have a very different tone of voice and when she felt like she was losing me she started to talk like a little sweet girl and I felt so confused but never realized until years later that she was playing with my inner desire to adore her and care for her who is so baby like
YES!! people would call me crazy and that the narcissist peoples in my life, one of the main ones, didn’t do this to me. i distinctly recall many times when my name was called in such a manner that would make me freeze and get sick internally. definitely triggered a fight/ flight reaction. the sick part was it was that “ i am beyond disappointed and disgusted with you “ tone/way of speaking; and specifically used knowing i would think i was in trouble, only to show me something they found funny… they had also admitted that they liked to mess with me or start a fight intentionally because they got a kick out of seeing my reactions. they were truly one of the biggest covert narcissists i have ever had in my life. i feel like my schema garbage makes me drawn to the narcissist in the vicinity and duped once again. i’m working on that and getting my assertive side back. that was broken by the many narcissistic people/asshats throughout my entire life
My mother - creepy as F using her tone of voice to CONTROL AND MANIPULATE ME 24/7. I thought she knew everything I was thinking and read my next thoughts, CREEPED ME OUT MY WHOLE LIFE. I HAVE SUCH AN EXTREME AVERSION TO HER 100% OF MY LIFE, NEVER WANTED HER TO TOUCH ME, NEVER WANTED TO BE SO CLOSE I SMELLED HER OR HER BREATH ESPECIALLY, ITS LIKE THAT TOO COULD OVERCOME MY IDENTITY AND I'D BE IMPRISONED BY HER, SO I STAYED JUST OUT OF ARMS REACH INSTINCTIVELY. SCARY STUFF FROM AGE 2 I REMEMBER HATING HER LOOKING AT ME AND I NEVER MADE EYE CONTACT SO I WOULDN'T FEEL WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO. UGGGGG, AND I ALWAYS TALKED MORE TO PLUG MY EARS FROM HER BRAINWASHING ME WITH GUILT AND SHAME.
Everyone said how "sweet" my mother was. I was the only one who begged to differ. I was the outcast, the black sheep. Everyone looked at my mother liked she was this long suffering victim. She always took food to work, made a huge deal over Christmas, pretended to be so nice to people. But did she really care? Hello no. How did I know and the others didn't see? I am not afraid to think or to look at things and I was the one who knew and she knew I knew. Jealousy as well from her was paramount. It all began because I loved my Dad and I didn't hate him or blame him like she did. She wanted everyone's pity and sympathy instead of taking responsibility for being a rampant cheater and my Dad leaving her because of that. He was no angel either but one of my earliest memories of this was I was little (3? 4?) and my mother had taken my brother and I in the car with her and parked it in front of an apartment while she went in and left us in the car. My dad showed up and asked us where my mom was. I pointed to the apartment building. He went in and dragged her out. I guess she had a boyfriend. She was always egging men on, flirting, and loved to see men fight over her. Well, she never forgave me for telling on her, for pointing out where she went. Mind you, I was a little kid. I was innocent but my mother had to blame someone and it wasn't going to be herself. So, yeah. Always the victim, always acting like she was so "sweet" and using sex to ensnare men into believing how she "needed" them but in actuality she didn't love anyone as far as I could tell, certainly not us kids. The other thing she did was wear "cuddly" sweat shirts, that had "puffy" animals on them like Care Bears, to help portray this image of total innocence, like she wouldn't ever hurt a fly 🪰🕷🕸 but, underneath...............
You are so right- I am a high functioning alcoholic and have anxiety. But the narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. Don’t let them fool you. When I mentally and emotionally crash I am so embarrassed and I go to my car. Sometimes I throw up in a trash bag in my car. In no way do I want to be around anyone nor seek attention for my woes because if I do it backfires on me. My only issues are from dealing with the narcs in my life and people think I’m being dramatic when I was always crying for help. I trained myself to stop crying in front of others. Except in front of my kids- who give me hugs. Other than that I trust no one. My Narc dad still yells at me when I cry. I’m 45 year old mother. Trying to divorce a narcissist husband and go through custody battle. But I’m not allowed to cry and feel??? I’m not allowed to feel sorry for my children??? I sure as fuck won’t cry when these pieces of shits die. Nope. I won’t. Wont even go to the funerals. 😊 sorry for the foul language but y’all get it . 😉 ❤❤❤
Thanks for explaining. The Emotionless Voice: this voice and the looks that comes with it... I wilted like a dry leaf being fluttered lifelessly along. I didn't know about this when I was experiencing it. This memory brought back tears after so many years have passed. I can work on my healing now that I have some understanding.
They use volume and gnashing of teeth to intimidate you and induce fear but really inwardly they're terrified of you catching onto their mind games and exposing them! They're nothing more than cowards who kick puppies.
Omg! I knew it! Sometimes I get so irritated when he is talking to me. He would also try to humiliate me in front of people by correcting me and speaking to me like a child, " it's may I, NOT can I have. Although it's correct, it's when he would do it. Always to make themselves look better than..
@narcabusecoach I am awake and sleepless in Texas at 2:10 in the morning watching your video because my sleep and entire life is being disturbed by my covert narcissist mother. She is giving me the silent treatment, but she is talking about me to herself, out loud of course for my benefit, in a mocking tone. She is always the victim, but she is actually the abuser. She is the personification of a horrible woman, and I only wish that I had known about narcissism years ago instead of losing so much time, energy and hair from being stressed out from her terroristic tactics and manipulation. My mother discarded and devalued me months ago and boy, is she raging. The growling, smear campaigns, belittling, and the monotone voice are all what I am experiencing right now. I am that classic case of a covert mother being jealous and hateful of her daughter. This is a horrible position to be in. Thank you so much for sharing your personal and professional experience and wisdom to educate our community and to direct us on a journey of freedom and healing.💛
Oh, Lord. One minute screaming. Then sweet almost patronizing. Then pitiful. Then blank stare and cold. So glad I don't have to deal with all of that anymore. Now, I almost overanalyze speech.
Thank you, I feel so understood through this. It took me 33 years to find clear despriptions for what happened to me, to understand how they could be this way, no matter what I said and how angry or frustrated I was, I was always gaslit and told I'm too sensitive and it's not my right to talk and feel this way anyway, but besides the anger, confusion, guilt, shame, fear and frustration this narc behaviour instills in me. I still love my family and feel somewhat obligated to and sorry for my mom and that's the trap in all this, cause it means I have to learn how to handle all this, to set clear boundaries and watch after my own energy and trust my judgement what I can and can't allow. Besides that, I've isolated myself a lot, but when I get closer to people I feel like I'm in danger of hurting them as well, because I was a victim to this all my life, afaik just like the generations before me. I struggle with addiction, loneliness, self loathing, anxiety, etc BUT... I believe it can get better when we help each other. I'm grateful for people who share their stories and everyone telling their real truths, especially the wrongdoers, cause it helps understanding. Thx 🙏❤
Currently going through this cycle of sweet voice and emotion less voice. After staying apart I realised how toxic my family is including me i guess and my father is an overt narcissist. 2 years prior he tries to lure me back with a problem going on in my brother’s life and he (my father) needed emotional support for that. He talking about emotions was very strange to me. Went no contact for a year. My guilt and my living situation brought me back here. Now that i know him truely and couldn’t stand him initially we had fights. Now even the slightest health related matter and he acts like he is dying. And I am no more the supply. My niece is. And he is doing exactly what he did for me for my niece.
I know a woman who always sounds very friendly when we're around other people but puts on the dead monotous voice when we're alone.. Another way the narcissist tries to control you, especially when you are with them in public is talk down to you in a loud voice as if they were the adult and you the child. IT's a form of shaming to keep you under control.
One ex's voice would get very deep and aggressive and intimidating, resorting to yelling when he thought he was losing control, while the other one would be more monotone and calm but condensending and using his words to shame and make you feel guilty about something and my mother would just talk calmly but making you feel stupid and inadequate she was very judgemental
My mother saw something in my future husband that I missed early on. But I remember my parents said if i wanted to marry him then they agreed. My mother told him if he ever puts his hands on me, raise his voice so I don't feel safe, that she would come to our little town and tear it down brick by brick till she finds him. Lol the look on his face. Although he tried that deep voice thing with me a couple times I told him to save that for someone who cares. My family is very large and very close so I never had to worry about the hands on or scary voice. Nor am I afraid of him. But I did endure a lot of crap I never told my parents about. Lying, alcoholism, cheating.
I wish I paid more attention to this voice change red flag. 20 years ago, when we were going out in the car, my narc fiancée was totally changing his voice to the most charming tone he possibly could - and this only when he received calls from his female clients (he was a trainer)... this, shamelessly in front of me.. and if questioned why he used that inappropriate voice while he was supposed to be professional, he'd laugh it off and ask me was I jealous or what... Sick ... 20 years and 2 kids later it only got worse in every possible way!!!!
I experienced firsthand from an individual who I had a personal relationship. Listening to you, I went back over the experiences and identified every single incident! Thank you so very much!!!! I’m no longer in the relationship. It only lasted 11 months and happened when I was 62. I’m now 73, still alone, went through many scenarios over and over in my head. I know he’s a narcissist! I know he can’t be helped! Yet, I still feel the guilt and am just getting to the point where I can see it was not my fault! Thank you, Danish, for all you do!!!!❤️🤗❤️
I did face same in my 20s n now m 40 still single. n after this video i solved it. Yes his voice was a tool he used to get whatever he wanted. Yes, scars on the soul to longer time to recover but u will recover soon, may GOD bless u
OMG you definetely defined my ex.... She was once a sweet loving person that turned later on into some kind of monster. Till now I still wonder how can a person change suddenly. The two personalities doesnot match at all
I am going through this now, and this really helps me remember I'm not alone and it doesn't have anything to do with what I did wrong or my value. Thank you so very much.
Link to my best resources:
linktr.ee/narcabusecoach
Correct
this was very informative, i have past trauma and was not aware of voice changes, when i started using voice chat a lot people would occasionally ask me if i changed my voice or even if there was another person present, it was really confusing , at first i thought it was a way of people trying to pick on or make fun, but some people were genuinely confused . Learning about it was a bit hard to process because its not intentional or noticeable to me, so it was something i had to accept as just something that happens.
@@JavaZombieAnd what about you.?Do u think your Ethnicinity is the reason why u asking such a Question?
@@JavaZombie...What's your mother's culture ?
Really ?? What's your next question gona be ? "Was your mother ugly ?" Narc's looks have an impact on their traits.
Start a Utube channel of your own. See how many likes you get ?? @@JavaZombie
I work for An International Airline for the last 23 yrs. I travel Business Class for peanuts literally . I travel the world three times a year.
When was the last time you set in an aircraft ?? When's your next Flight ?? How many countries have you visited.? The one you were born in and this one ??
The more you breakdown narcissist behavior. The more they sound like something that should be locked away😒
“His talk is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords.” Psalm 55:21
❤❤
Narcissists think they can control you by yelling and shouting, but I will not take his crap. I opened the windows and doors on purposely for the neighbors to hear. If he has different intentions, at least the neighbors know who he is. The lady next door asked. Are you OK? I told the narcissist that the neighbor is asking if I'm OK or not. I told them the truth. He shivered. Since then, he hardly yelled lor shouted anymore. He knows what I will do.
My narc would say horrible stuff to get me yelling then he would open all the windows, I caught on when my neighbors told me I was the only one they could hear. That helped me go grey rock it took me a year to master it and 8 years to figure out I wasn’t the whole problem
What’s grey rock
Just think of how a grey rock in nature behave when you walk by it.
That's the definition of Grey Rocking. You become the same grey rock to them ✌🏼
@@paulinsky53it means you don’t do anything to stand out to them, to catch their attention for them to make you their target so the novelty of picking on you eventually wears off, they get bored with you because you’re not feeding into their trap anymore and will go find someone else to feed off of who will.
Brilliant!
My ex would go from speaking like a sophisticated britisher to sounding like a wounded skunk in a trap. It was profoundly disturbing.
And real stinky too, I bet.😅
I wonder if they ever realize how creepy they could seem to another human being.
Even after more than 40 years of marriage, my covert-narc hub was still talking about the fiancé that dumped him. l married him, so that must make me the fool?
@@grammyspa-jammies1737They are just very good "Actors", "Manipulators", "Con Artists", " Charmers", and the "Victim", all done to reel us in.😏🚩🏃♀️
@@grammyspa-jammies1737No not really they like to have pity parties for themselves
Covert narcissists are the most moody, broody people on the planet. Stay as far away as you can from these blame-shifting shape-shifters, turn a deaf ear to them like they do to you. Good video.
It seems we must battle demons in this life until we become warriors. Exhausting. 😥🙏🏼
They seem to appear externally until we realise all those demons are just our shadow self parts, the unhealed and unconscious within us. When we attend to it, our own internal state get appeased, fear and anger leaves our system, we find peace with ourselves and therefore others.
That's a pretty good analogy.
The bible says we’re at war
This is a HUGE one that no one really talks about! They change their voice up but don't technically SAY something bad so they can come at you like "are you stupid?" With their voice but you have no tangible proof because they didn't verbally SAY mean things. It's so maddening
This. Yes. 👏 like you're stupid but the most calm tone so you seem absolutely nuts.
Would you describe it as if they say something in such a hurtful tone that adding "…you dumb motherf*&+er" at the end wouldn’t hurt anymore than what was already said?
@fuzzytattoo I'm sorry... what you said made absolutely no sense to me? Verbal abuse is already a givin in these types of relationships, were on the topic of covert subliminals though. These are micro mannerisms and passive agressive tones to where they elude to something but don't actually say it. For example if I asked my ex a question and he didn't like it he would creepily cock his head and give me a creepy stare and say "why no Amanda, of course not." Nothing verbally wrong with that statement but the underlying message that is being givin is unsettling and tone used is to either make you feel less than/stupid or to instill fear. It's a silent control and bully tactic.
oh, I’m sorry I didn’t make sense. My apologies. I think I know what you mean though, like the creepiness/eeriness of the look or voice tone implied a threat to words that were said were not inherently threatening. If I am wrong there feel free to correct any misunderstanding on my part.
I guess for clarification on my original comment I was more speaking to the, they don’t SAY something bad but come at you like you’re stupid with only voice not the words themselves, aspect of the comment. I apologize if I am misunderstanding that though.
There are times when I would ask a question and get a response in such a tone of voice that was intended to make me feel lesser or stupid, but the words were simply the answer to the question, so there was no proof of the attack on your mental well being. So if I were to would ask why they said it like that or react hurt in anyway, they would accuse me of being too sensitive, or simply just say that they just said it flatly as if there was no inflection or tone at all. Both responses meant to gaslight and make me again feel lesser, question my reality, or not want to engage after being talked down to. For example I ask “what would you like to do for dinner tonight?” And would get “we’re having the leftovers in the fridge.” Sounds perfectly normal in text form. But was said in such a tone of voice that came across more like “we’re having the left overs in the fridge, you fucking moron!”
I hope that makes sense. It’s so hard to get across what is intended in comments. So I again apologize for the misunderstanding.
@@fuzzytattoo Yes! Exactly 💯
my narc husband tries talking to me in that very quiet martyr voice. I lower my voice even more so he can't hear me. jerk. I'm planning to leave soon.
Quiet martyr voice.. omg I thought I was the only one! It's so hard detect, especially after a life time of being around it. That description is spot on
I was with a covert narcissist for almost a decade. He used all of these voices at one time or another depending on what worked in the moment. He was twice the size of me and would stand over me and yell into my face when he was angry which was often the case because I challenged his behaviour. When I asked him to stop yelling he actually denied he was doing it!! My roommate overheard our argument once and confirmed to me his was the only voice she could hear. This validation helped me to eventually leave. They really do mess with your mind!
Z ze a
I had pretty much the exact same experience with my ex husband of 21 years. "I'M NOT YELLING!!!" While also standing over me to scare me. Boy I don't miss that.
My ex was an overt narcissist. When I tell you the fear me and my children experience when he would start screaming, would shock you. Sadly, it would turn for physical when I stopped reacting to his screaming. If you find yourself in these situations, I pray for your safety and well-being.
Also known as grandiose narcissists.
1st two describe my Mom~~to a TEE
Last 2, my husband of 31yrs!!
Soul shattering....On PURPOSE!!!
This when MIL FaceTime calls my daughter that sick, sweet voice makes my skin crawl then she switches to the monotone, contempt IF she says something to me or speaks of me. My daughter picked up on it a few years ago. She said it’s weird how she switches so quick. Mil used to treat my son with the monotone voice until I pointed it out and she realized it wasn’t a good look. She speaks to him with a weird combination of sweet and monotone. My son was never open to the manipulation so she gave up years ago because he’s “too much like his mom”. I’ve made sure to tell my son for years his grandmother’s behavior isn’t a reflection of him it’s a reflection of the brokenness in her due to never being seen by her mom and her brother was perfection personified.
Isn't that tiring needing to protect your kids from gnaw? I should have done the rounds to have everyone sign her 85th b-day card, nah! Visiting 17 yrs ago alone with my daughter, we came home, she did a drawing of a pig 🐖 with a devil's pitch fork with a "R.I.P. Do as you please, See you again" pig's tooth gleaming/shining next to covert gmaw's grave. It was my daughter's way of dealing with the horrendous way gnaw treated me (I didn't say one word about it).
My daughter walked away leaving the larger than life drawing there for me to see, comprehend, get her take on it! I stashed it for yrs, my daughter now doesn't think that's what she meant at 10 but I know better! Xox
No narc trauma expert on YT can explain the detrimental use and abuse of the narc's voice on the victim like you, Danish! Other narc experts explain these conditions dispassionately while you spark recognition and immediate awareness in victims so they save their own lives in real time! You have gathered almost 100k more followers in less than 4 months! You resonate for all who yearn for ur voice and caring!! You are one of us and that makes ALL the difference. We love and appreciate u so for ur deeply caring authenticity! Ur our gift that keeps on giving! ❤
so true..
He has suffered narcissistic abuse first hand so he knows their tactics very well...
@@sonur5080exactly
Well said! I agree completely! There is a special quality Danish has that no other RUclipsr possesses on the topic. Many are knowledgeable, even helpful, but Danish explains the subtleties of NPD in depth, using examples, often feom his own life, which resonate through and through. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are left brain dead by the end of the experience. Not Danish. You get the sense he's just getting started. Every video he prepares carries a new aspect of NPD, and how it affects their victims. Danish has done something truly remarkable. He has found his way through the years long trauma, and has come out on the other side, fully aware, intellectually armed, and willing to use his understanding to benefit others. An extraordinary human being. My gratitude knows no bounds.
I second that.
Better not pay attention; your sanity's 😵 what they're after! Mom is/was (cripes is she dead yet?) covert 😷 and we learn what "Walking on eggshells" means, we're always feeling nervous 😓 around them once hatched Blessings everyone, better to laugh,
we've cried enough! 🎠 🌅
I’ve noticed that when people know they’re wrong, they’ll start raising their voice, & get confrontational to get you to back down.
My ex leaves voicemails that talk about what a good mother I am and how I’m the only person who can help him talk to the kids. When I don’t respond he leaves nastier toned messages that since I won’t help him, he will “fix it himself”. I was worried at first that he might do something violent but then I figured out that he was sending voicemails directly to the kids. At first it was the same, honey sweet nonsense. When my daughter didn’t respond, he started sending screenshots of wall hangings that say “you should forgive your parents”. He’s done nothing to even try to seek forgiveness. He just want to be forgiven without any effort. My kids and I agree that not responding is the best way to deal with him.
Same and so embarrassing! Older overt coke head sis' a pro at leaving brutal messages under 3 secs flat, learned from the best, our mom, her nastiness also went through my wanna be narc hubby's laptop message trap, once he listened to how everyone knew I'd tried to kill him! Plus how she was about to do a well-ness check on me, yikes! I've not seen her in 2 decades, if she trick called me I'd hang up! She spreads her demonic verbal abuses to her own kids, their kids hear it all and she can no longer get through to dementia diva as I've blocked her, again, nursing home unblocked her as mom had covid but of course Mom survived if only to spite me (I'm executrix/next of kin) but quiet child, bro, dealt with coke head sis which caused me to block him and doesn't quiet child get his kid, my nephew, texting her and he also gets targeted for abuse, as bro did, like anyone who hasn't learnt and still deals with her! I told bro it's his ego which always takes her back! No contact, stay the course! Have you seen "Rebecca Zung's divorcing a narcissist" U-Tubes? She's the bomb 💣, good luck!
Smart.
I feel like my ex was equal parts covert narcissist and overt malignant narcissist. He was always going through the worst things in the world (and had survived things that would kill ANYONE else), but he would also do the back-handed compliments, be kind and supportive (when fishing for more info from me), and would help anyone in need.
But he was verbally and emotionally abusive af, too. Especially the last year of our relationship.
I feel that way for my dad except he’s definitely not ‘also a sociopath’
Very inciteful information. My covert uses the victim voice quite often until she doesn't get what she wants and then it's rage. The happy voice is her public persona.
yep. my mom to a T
My mom and daughter to aswel !
The best tactic is simply to ask them to repeat what they said. All of a sudden you'll see them experiencing amnesia and they'll become defensive and unable to repeat their own words upon your request. With a calm demeanor, continue to ask them to repeat themselves untill they get flustered and leave the room. Works every time.
wouldn't they just make up something to defend themselves? and it usually causes a fight or makes them defensive to ask even innocent questions. I would bet that they would just insist they said something different and say you are the one who is wrong. without a witness there is nothing to stop them from doubling and tripling down on something even if it is a lie.
I can't imagine a narcissist making a big effort to sincerely answer your question, why would they care if they can just pretend you are the one who is wrong?
Quite interesting tactic coupled with the gray rock, uninteresting response to their demands
Danish, Thanks for bringing us another list of narcissistic traits. Unfortunately, I can relate to most of them on a personal level. Looking back, the super-sweet-drippy-sugary voice is one of the most disgusting. I experienced that for decades, and always regretted being 'snuckered' into going/doing things I didn't have the time/interest/energy for. I always knew some unhandy request was in the offing when I heard that overly friendly voice start making requests. The snarling/bitter/mean/forceful/threatening/angry voice is all too familiar, too. It was deployed when I wasn't complying with how they thought I should live/breathe/work/have goals/education/whatever they couldn't seem to control. The most demonic voice was used to declare, "YOU are not a Christian. You don't know how to read Greek or Hebrew. All you know is JESUS LOVES ME." I (secretly) thought, "Yes, and that knowledge/faith/belief will take me to Heaven." :) I fully agree with you, Danish, that narcissists are controlled by evil. I couldn't prove it, of course, but I can imagine that the serpent in the Garden of Eden fooled Eve using that sweet-drippy-sugary voice. :)
In court ordered counseling, my husband said “SHE CALLS herself a CHRISTIAN. CAN’T SHE JUST FORGIVE?” I immediately responded by asking “Ok, what is it that you need forgiveness for?”. His answer/reply was a disgusted grunt. He NEVER would apologize or admit any wrong doing
My mother is a covert narcissist. This description is absolutely spot-on.
When my mother had that victim voice I always felt guilty and responsible for her. That voice gave me a lot of weight on my shoulders and a horrible feeling.
Years later when she had that voice I felt disgust and angry. Know she doesnt need me anymore and has that monoton voice. Exactly like you sad!!
Thank you so much! All this info better prepares me for future attacks! Narc's are so exhausting!
I agree, there are a lot of them!!!
It cracks me up thinking of all the times my mother said someone else was a narcissist, and she's been a covert narcissist the whole time
Sorry for comment spamming, but I also want to say thank you for acknowledging those of us who act bubbly and different in public to hide our trauma, but suffer terribly in private! Worrying about stuff like this is what made ME feel like a narcissist for a while. Info like this helps so much 🖤
Don’t worry, dear one. We are all on the path. Blessings 😊🙏🏼🤍
If you're worried about whether you are are a narcissist you're probably not one.😊
@@christinalw19 thank you! The support here is amazing 🖤
yes i do the same
@@acolley2891 I've heard that. It's the gaslight trauma, I think... Even though I might know something for a fact, I still catch myself full of doubt and questioning reality.
They use this voice modulation, martyr type of voice when they feel like they lose grip on you too, not only with new supply. They want others to feel pity for them, will play the vulnerable just to attract the empaths' willingness to be of service to them. They can even insult themselves in front of you so you think they're humble, but don't be fooled they don't really think that, it's just to manipulate. "I'm really too stupid to do X, Y or Z task" when in reality their display of humility is only temporary and won't last. It's often just because they want others to do these tasks for them even if they absolutely could do it and are able to do it.
I found they also fake virtue. One example : "Oh I hate wasting food! I always try to avoid that" when talking to someone who's really conscious about wasting food. But when at home, they will order restaurant even if vegetables and meat are about are about to be wasted in the fridge. Or "Everyone should pay their fair share of taxes" but will do everything to avoid paying taxes when they earn any kind of money themselves. It's always double standard, double discourse, 2 face personality.
Wish I could copy and paste this.
One of the voices I heard sounded literally like a serpent hissing. It was so unreal every time I heard it, that I don't remember the words. It gave me a creepy feeling and was so scary! 😮🐍🐍🐍
I had this exact same experience while being around a narcissist, and I can completely relate to what you're describing. It's remarkable how I, too, felt like I could hear a serpent-like voice, reminiscent of those movies where individuals pretend to be lizard people, complete with a slight hissing sound as they spoke. It was almost like a wind howling, a chilling and eerie hiss that sent shivers down my spine. This out-of-body encounter with a narcissist truly stands out as one of the most bizarre and unsettling experiences I've ever had in my life.
@@JamesNGames yes, I also recall the eyes during the weird sound, vacant, unemotional and 'pointing' at something. I think only people who have seen and heard this understand. Horrible!
My mother each time she would talk to me after a certain time after I awakened to the dysfunction and narcissism. I could literally see snake venom coming from her mouth…
Demons.Pray to God Amighty for protection,please.
@@queenmosessoul it is definitely the narcissist in their true colors, utterly disgusting 🫣
Danish possesses a quality no other RUclipsr I've ever seen possesses on the topic of NPD. Many are knowledgeable, even helpful, but Danish explains the subtleties of NPD in depth, using examples, often from his own life, which resonate deeply with me. Many victims of narcissistic abuse are left permanently emotionally disabled, even shattered. Not Danish. With every video, you get the sense he's just getting started. Every video he prepares carries a new aspect of NPD, and how it affects their victims. Danish has done something truly remarkable. He has found his way through the years long trauma, and has come out on the other side, fully aware, intellectually armed, and willing to use his understanding to benefit others. An extraordinary human being. My gratitude knows no bounds.
Thank you.some of these people have addictions I find.
Well they're not very happy people so they need something.
I once caught that change of voice and turned on her. I told her in quite an annoyed way to stop crying and manipulating. She was so shocked that she directly stopped crying.
That was when I didn’t know about narcissism yet and I’m still glad about it. It was just one time, though, when it was so very obvious that her crying was a playacted move.
As I look back over the years. My Mom, 1 aunt, 1 uncle (11 kids in the family) and 3 friends are all covert and/or overt narcs.
I noticed that they all have a weird body movement that is strained or fidgety. (Hard to explain, it's not natural) And they all have that look where it's like a cat checking every nook and cranny of what your wearing, your home, car, etc. They are always looking for things to gossip about behind your back. It's a look of jealousy or something like that? They are very weird/automated when you notice their body movements.
First, I saw her face, instantly attracted, secondly, she poured out the fake bubbly personality that faded rather quickly after we started seeing each other and I was confused by it but that was just the beginning.
Oh my gosh! 😱 Now I really see the whole picture! Her mother was always pulling that guilt crap! My dad did the same thing!
Ah yes... the voices... My apartment manager and my doctor have both raged AND used the sickly-sweet voice; one is terrifying, the other is nauseating. My mother has used the martyr voice, a sardonic voice and a deadly voice. Strangely, when dealing with my mother, I myself have raged and can feel my eyes pulsing...I learned later (after stopping all calls) that I had had a "silent stroke" --- I don't know if my fury brought it on, but I wouldn't be surprised. She truly is deadly, like a viper.
Yes. They do that ALOT with voice manipulations. My ex would go from talking so nicely and sweetly to crazy talking. Same thing happened with my mom growing up. From talking normally to banging tables. But mom was still preety much covert. She was still someone you could talk to on certain days. But my overt ex husband is quite another story. The funny part was watching him give this ipad to my daughter and he had put a tracker in it. I deliberately asked that gadget so that I could see what else he and his ex wife(aka) old supply was tracking in our homes. So before I migrated,I made sure i figured it all out. Fortunately I was in touch with the cops all the time. These people are twisted. You have to be ahead of the game.
Good strategy! Looking to narcissistic abuse from a legal lens is always a good thing. Obtain evidence, keep a file, and predict their games so you can 'catch' them once they slip. This is all very exhausting, so it needs to be done for the goal of moving on. I needed to expose my narcissists so their ensuing mortification would cause the hoovering attempts to finally stop. This was not without them lying to the police so I got a little visit (from police officers who luckily seemed to know what narcissism and borderline are), but this visit by police was also a good sign that the narcissists now see me as a threat. I called their bluff, exposed some more stuff to more people, nothing happened, and now I can go on.
It's always the same old ones in their "bag of tricks". But they have a weakness. And that's their ego. Once we learn how to use their ego against them,the tables can turn very quickly. They are not as smart as they pretend to be. Infact,deep inside,they are just scared lil children. Knowing that they can be exposed and caught anytime of the day
"i just had a dream" the zombie voice is what gets me. do you think they realize when they say those things or the things they say or do on purpose to make a person look bad?
Let it pass sugar, pay no attention, they can never get enough so why bother, they try to make something exciting and never seen one experienced before, let them only boringly amazed themselves!
I don't know if my mom is NPD, but she definitely has traits of covert narcissism (along with untreated borderline and PTSD and general "smother mother"). But everything matches what you say in this video. The trauma effects are real. My mother would use her own anxiety to control me: "If you don't call me, I'll worry." "If you go out late, I'll worry." "If you don't tell me what's going on in your life, I'll worry." Note that I'm not a child; I'm in my 40s. I've been no contact for a month now.
It’s like you sharing my life story
It's like she is doing this to you on purpose so that she is never out of your thoughts. My mother did the same to me as a little girl.. she would encourage me to venture out, only to pull me back when I proved I didn't need her. Its like she wants to pretend that she's letting me go, but desperately trying to keep me a prisoner.
Same with my mom.. she also uses same words..I left my house but she still controls me..
A month!? I bet she's really worried! 😏 On a serious note though congratulations on cutting the ties and keeping it up. I'm so sorry it's a parent, that has to be so rough. But you deserve peace 🖤
First of all if your mother was a narcissist, you wouldn't be wondering, you would know. You sound like the "drunk" who got sober because he dropped a martini down his spiral staircase in his mansion. LoL that's called a quality problem.
Your poor mother!
This video makes me well aware of that abandonment trauma in me that is played to get something out of me. I also see how the weight of their responsibility get shifted over time into the playing of a role with me saying to myself "what I know I must do and only I can do is what I must do" as if it is a moral IMPERATIVE, when it is actually a disgusting being sucking off of you. So I say to them, "GET OFF of me". Thank you for this critical piece of wisdom.
what I like about your channel is that you talk from experience and have inside knowledge and have gone through the trauma. Many so called therapists on youtube, only speak from books and experience as therapists not direct knowledge. There are narcissists on youtube try to give advice online and have sessions with people, being unqualified as therapists, it just seems like a money earner for them. One particular young woman very often talks about the devil and appears to be some kind of a witch, she is very suspect to me, possibly a narcissist herself. She talks a lot about the ego, higher consciences and other new age stuff. She has 100K followers to date ?! I think people should be more wary of who they listen to. What really put me off is when she said about the bible, " I don't read that shit."
What my father would do out-of-the-blue would yell at the top of his lungs my name and tell me to come here. When I walk up to him he would talk in a normal voice and it wasn't anything serious that he needed to talk about or would just throw his weight around. Every time he yelled it would send me into a panic. A great fear. Been thinking about it recently and 45 years later I'm dealing with what I consider PTSD.
I once wanted to write a book titled "Tiny Daggers" to share my experience in my family with covert narcissism. It makes so much sense hearing you talk about being stabbed by invisible knives. Thank you for the work you do in bringing light to this topic.
It was so heartbreaking to finally hear someone say those words to us we always wanted to run away from. If only this was not our reality ... but...it is. And we have to accept it.
So get to work on writing that book. There's a lot of people who need your testimony.
@@engleharddinglefester4285 As much as my logical brain thinks it would be a good idea to share my testimony, my heart isn't sure it wants to spend that much time devoting energy to that story any more. Maybe one day, but that day will be when I don't live in the current environment that I live in and when I'm surrounded by more peace, love, and safety. I appreciate your suggestion and push towards sharing my story. One day.
@@monicarai1497 The caged bird will be free one day
@@imsaltylit3101 Good for you. Journaling is so essential. Take all the care you need for yourself
Even i was like you Danish bending backwards to keep my Jekyll and Hyde mother happy. It was so scary growing up in that house. When I attended college she would ignore me or bark at me when I went home. Same when I went home from abroad. If I say I am not coming she will beg me to come and visit her. I was losing my mind
You're not alone. Each and every milestone or accomplishment in my life, that I work really hard to attain, means nothing to them.
This description fits my SIL. She used to manipulate me with her voice and still does. Now that I heard you describe it all, I can relate to it. Sometimes she spoke with me in the dead voice and dead eyes abd then turned around to speak with another person, usually a close friend of mine in a sweet voice. The dead voice was reserved for me. Others didn't hear it or know it. I get it now.
Yeah, yeah they are adept at hiding their true self from others, while revealing themselves to us - their mark. And you know what happens to a mark.
So accurate and deep💯💯💯💎💎💎
This is the first time that I have ever heard someone talk about voice change. My mother had two different voices that she used, one was sickening sweet when there was something that she wanted and the other was one that I swear would actually lower an octive. The deep, loud voice was the voice that you knew to run and hide from.
This is a new age of enlightenment. Like my sister said, mom and dad didn't even have Oprah to figure things out. We're both in our 70s and after surviving through our school, work, and family years are grateful for the knowledge that gives credence to our experiences. Thank you for spreading help.
Finally someone is addressing how narcissists use their tone of voice to manipulate, their 'silver tongue'. This is extremely validating and confirming for me thanks Danish!
My husband mimics his exs or women he cheats with it’s always my first que he’s been sneaking around again! But with him he always had several relationships even tinder girls etc it was horrible
They also use their charm and quick wit. They have so many techniques.
Thank you so much for validating this Danish.
My sister has used all these voices in one conversation..from talking like she's a therapist (with no qualifications) to holding her side and groaning, to angrily claiming she couldn't trust me and finally dead indifference once she realised I'm finally immune. It was fascinating, until she started to work on my son, making him (in Sam Vaknin's words) her 'flying monkey'.
Sam Vaknin is not a real doctor. There's a video about him called Am I a Psychopath? or Can I be a Psychopath or I, Psychopath or something ( you will have to look for it on google) on youtube. Also make sure to read his wikipedia page.
My daughter is a covert narc does all these voices plays the victim threatening suicide so I give her money. Then I hear her on the phone with mates sweet voice then I get the monotone and shouting. I have to stay close which is hard as I have 2 grandsons to protect. My mother is also a narc I can keep her at arms length. It’s hard to juggle narc family 🙄
@@Brummiebythesea It is. And she will probably try to turn your grandchildren against you, just keep loving them, they will know.
@@borishudej691 I wrote her a stern letter describing her behaviour, but they can't face the truth and of course I got no reply. My son and I were estranged for a while and that hurt a lot but I just kept saying to myself "I just need to love him" (that is my job) and eventually he came back to me, though we never discuss it. It's a hard road. Thanks for your interest.
Sorry for your pain.
Spot on ❤
Thanks for this vlog about this aspect of the abusive narc. You are so spot on about the different voices. Even though for me the narc situation (a supposed friend) lasted only a few months (thanks to God), this woman could have come straiht out of a horror movie, especially her anger/impatient behavior and voice versus the 'lovey-dovey' act. it was almost like a person possessed the way behavior/voice would change instantaneously. This narc in particular also had a certain voice she used when she was lying. I am thinking it is because she is a senior (70) and she is no longer aware of how much the 'mask' was slipping. Though the behavior/voices were completely intentional , she just didn't realize how transparent she was to people who were unfortunate enough to spend tome in her presence.
In any case, your description in this vlog is helpful and validating-- thank you.
Thank you so much for your videos. You always explain things in such a clear and easy to understand manner.
Wow you really nailed this one! I was flipping through each memory of each voice type when you went through them, then how I reacted to each one. Thanks for this helpful explanation. As Jesus told us to not be controlled by our emotions, but by the word of God. As Gods word states to love him and our neighbor, so when we don’t react, we are showing love by being wise and not hurting others by our reactions, even if the narcissist hunts us with baiting our emotions to react, as the devil prowls around as a lion, seeking whom he shall kill, we shall respond accordingly to each in love, and with boundary’s as no weapon formed against us shall prosper.
Lots of love. Thanks again.
Shalom is
This is a good reminder, thanks 😊 ❤
amen!!! I love this post
Coming from a large family of successful social creatures, who took great pride in charming and schmoozing, I can agree completely with this. The switch in tone from person to person, adapting to different situations was always calculated and utterly cynical. They loved hoodwinking people. It wasn't just for gain. They enjoyed deceiving and getting away with it.
My parent uses a sudden authoritative voice to demand things. "I need to know....I need you to do....". Stuff like that. It's unexpected and I am not good at not jumping to for him. I'm aware it's manipulative though and I guess that's a good start.
Ugh, and they love preaching what you 'should' do.
@@norcal1009 right? And there is no point in trying to have a conversation because they are always right and you know nothing.
@@sadderandwiseryo fr
Ya keeping us on edge... I'd hear "Josie, what are you doing, well stop it!" Visiting yrs later her middle husband got "What do you want?" Whenever the poor bastard simply walked into the kitchen "Absolutely nothing" he'd respond, his health really picked up once they split up, she had him drinking himself to death, Crown Royal at 10:30 a.m.!
@joseenoel8093 OMG! The many ways they abuse ppl is criminal. I wish I had only experienced it on TV, but then even actors and actresses (unless they are covert narcissists revealing themselves). cannot get it right. Narcissistic abuse is as real as ever!!
My mom is a covert narcissist. I didn't know until a few years ago. If I had known sooner, I would have ran away. Thanks! ❤
I have given you money.. i have helped you. I have rights to abuse you and insult you. You broke your promise by leaving me. You are a promise breaker. How can you not take accountability of your promise. If you loved me you wouldn't leave no matter how much i abuse you.
Is it or is it not narcissist words?
Textbook, dual trauma, all narcs have money 💰, ours for the taking until it's enough abd we can no longer be bought, that's pretty much the same time as we learn about narcism!
my last convo with my narc ex. "after everything I have done for you!!" He did a lot, but it wasn't worth me taking his s%^&
@@FindYourFree Thanks for giving me a line I needed but couldn't find words. 'He did a lot but it wasn't worth taking his abuse'.
Everytime i pointed out his abusive behaviour he would just come back talking about all the material things he got me as if that was an excuse
i clocked this very quickly as my narc mother used to do the same
ok, the first one...thats my dad. Ive been totally taken in by that voice.He does it all the time. That sweet calm voice...I bought into something he said on Oct 31st 2021, and that got him out of the living facility situation he was in which is what brought him here for those 8 months . And that scenario here, ended up as hell in my home. And the second one..the martyr..thats mom.OMG. This is tough to acknowledge. I was the family middle child and the family mediator, I was just a child. A child who worked so hard to make them happy. Id be shampooing the carpets at midnight or baking butter tarts, all to surprise them when they got home..so theyd be so happy with me when they got home, or, Id get up early and clean up the kitchen after the late night drunken poker games or parties...holy shite.Memories are pouring in and I am feelin it. . I was the pleaser. Not anymore, thats for sure! Im 63, and I just found out my parents are both narcs and Im in survival mode. . Unbelievable.Kinda feel ill.Just remembered, last summer my mom threatened to give up on our mother daughter relationship....and I bought into it. I actually cried and practically begged her to not do that. All in all, I see her now. I see alot, now. I guess its a good thing. No wonder my body and brain have been telling me to have little to no contact..it all makes perfect sense. After dad being here for 8 months...until this June...when we got him into a retirement home...it took awhile to calm down..but about a week or so ago...I learned that I'm in Survival Mode. I thought it was because of my deep dive over past 10 yrs into the truth about whats happening out there...waking up to this stuff is hard but the thing with dad here..and last 3 months or so of that...was hell. Dad and his demons could have destroyed me emotionally and my marriage and it was all done..ohhhh soooo subtly, so quietly, almost like he was abusing me emotionally by his thoughts alone!! WTH. I am so thankful for this information, all of your videos, you are most likely helping thousands of people discover truths that have been hidden. God has blessed you..what the devil meant for evil..God can and will use that, for his good and his purposes.
Your articulation of what a covert narcissist is amazed me! You hit it spot on!
the covert narcissistic mother will show to the world like a mother who does only good for her children.
she will do anything to you behind closed doors and then you turn into a monster. and the people around your mom are the same.
suffering, cries
they enjoy when you suffer. i doesn't matter if its cruel
The information in this video is so right on with a person I had to go completely no contact with. She was on the verge of death for the entire 10 years I knew her. She would use the voice mannerisms as described to a T. But it was done in a theatrical way for dramatic effect. She was so fake and could switch to a different mode instantly depending on the situation. She knew what she was doing too. I called her out a few times and she would huff off and go sulking to make me look like the bad guy.
Wow, you described my mother, in fact, I use the same word: "theatrical." Sometimes it looked like she was playing a role on stage, using hand gestures and everything, that were completely unnatural. She would drop the act behind closed doors with us, her kids
@@gojiberry7201 Oh yes, the hand gestures! She knew sign language and loved to show it off too. She was an expert on EVERYTHING.
@@Todd.the.Wraith Oh my goodness. How awful ☹
@@gojiberry7201call them out on that its bullying
My mother was not a narcissist but, she always gave freedoms to my older sister, a narcissist. She was an A student but, once when in grade school, in English she got a B, she flipped out. She raged when angry but uses all those voices. She was bossy and controlling, we shared a room until she went to college. She once cornered me in the kitchen, threatening me and blocking my way. Something in me took over and I don't know Karate or anything, but I grabbed her head and flipped her around and took her down to the floor with me on top of her about to start slugging her. Then she started laughing, saying, "You should see your face right now!". I got up and she never confronted me like that again.
We're older now. Tried to be phone friends but she is exhausting, toxic still. It's hard to think someone should be loving you but just can't. We don't talk as of this year.
Narcissist are also cowards, when she saw your anger and standing up for yourself she got scared and used laughter to diffuse your anger, you should have hit her, now she will use laughter again in the future, these narcs never learn or change
@@paulinsky53💯
Thank You Brother Danish for Illuminating these facts! We Love You Sooooooooh MUCH!
Yep, this is very true. I had a Narc in my life and his voice was like honey. He was always so mild and sweet sounding in every thing he said- even insults sounded lovely. It was extremely off putting because he could say cruel things but sounded like he was being the kindest soul. It almost made you feel like he was sugar coating some ugly "truth", when in reality he was spewing hate filled lies under the persona of a harmless puppy. I always felt off balance in my relationship with him- always questioning both his motives and my own perceptions of what was really happening. It was the ultimate gaslighting. What was even scarier was when he got mad or wasn't getting the reaction he wanted he could switch gears in a flash and that sweet honeyed voice could be cold and harsh- even back and forth between sentences as he tried to manipulate the situation in anyway he thought would work. He could go back and forth from victim to aggressor so quickly and so often it was hard to know if I was defending myself or actually hurting him.
I had no contact with him for years and learned about covert narcissism in the meantime. When he contacted me again, I was armed with knowledge and had no intentions of taking him back. But I swear, that damn voice of his has an almost hypnotic quality... heck maybe almost is the wrong word. It IS hypnotic! He didn't work his magic on me that last time- but I swear I left the conversation feeling drained and still somehow a little guilty for not giving into him. These folks are the worst!
Omg I’ve experienced this with an ex. He hooked me with this voice. To the point where he treated me so bad and I was still at his beck and call because of that damn voice. I could never explain it but this video and your comment explained it perfectly.
This sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Wow. Scary.
same here. My x partner would insult me in such a cool way as if it definitely true and he has some rock hard evidence to support the insult and it wasn't true.
Thanks Danish, I really appreciate your work and explanations here, great content thanks for the input keep the good fight up running
True! My narc mom will scream at me to "Shut Up! Go to hell!" if I even dare to attempt speech. Once, when I tried to talk over her, she got up out of her chair and beat on me. Narcs will do anything to keep their victims silent and suffering.😢
THIS! 4:08 Why so few people understand that there is many reasons why people might appear cheerful! Laugh is a natural way of stress release and smiling gives strenght when struggling.
this is so true. I hear my mother and all my defenses go up
They yell, scream, bully, and beat you down emotionally.
4:19 Not any book expert, but from MY experience and perspective, there is no such thing as a trauma survivor who doesn't both inadvertently, and intentionally mask their trauma symptoms, which makes sense, from a misunderstood, hurt, and confused stance.
My husband's mother, he never learned. We never got ahead in life financially, there has been no end to our struggle even though she has been gone 10 years.
This is so true 😳
I couldn’t care less about how they personally feel about me. The problem is when you work for them, you can’t enforce boundaries because they have all the leverage. I’m 48 and employment is slim pickings these days.
I remember my ex used to have a very different tone of voice and when she felt like she was losing me she started to talk like a little sweet girl and I felt so confused but never realized until years later that she was playing with my inner desire to adore her and care for her who is so baby like
YES!! people would call me crazy and that the narcissist peoples in my life, one of the main ones, didn’t do this to me. i distinctly recall many times when my name was called in such a manner that would make me freeze and get sick internally. definitely triggered a fight/ flight reaction. the sick part was it was that “ i am beyond disappointed and disgusted with you “ tone/way of speaking; and specifically used knowing i would think i was in trouble, only to show me something they found funny…
they had also admitted that they liked to mess with me or start a fight intentionally because they got a kick out of seeing my reactions. they were truly one of the biggest covert narcissists i have ever had in my life. i feel like my schema garbage makes me drawn to the narcissist in the vicinity and duped once again. i’m working on that and getting my assertive side back. that was broken by the many narcissistic people/asshats throughout my entire life
He had the sickening victim voice or the rage voice yet made sure to be quiet enough that people only heard me reacting
My mother - creepy as F using her tone of voice to CONTROL AND MANIPULATE ME 24/7. I thought she knew everything I was thinking and read my next thoughts, CREEPED ME OUT MY WHOLE LIFE. I HAVE SUCH AN EXTREME AVERSION TO HER 100% OF MY LIFE, NEVER WANTED HER TO TOUCH ME, NEVER WANTED TO BE SO CLOSE I SMELLED HER OR HER BREATH ESPECIALLY, ITS LIKE THAT TOO COULD OVERCOME MY IDENTITY AND I'D BE IMPRISONED BY HER, SO I STAYED JUST OUT OF ARMS REACH INSTINCTIVELY. SCARY STUFF FROM AGE 2 I REMEMBER HATING HER LOOKING AT ME AND I NEVER MADE EYE CONTACT SO I WOULDN'T FEEL WHAT SHE WANTED ME TO. UGGGGG, AND I ALWAYS TALKED MORE TO PLUG MY EARS FROM HER BRAINWASHING ME WITH GUILT AND SHAME.
Everyone said how "sweet" my mother was. I was the only one who begged to differ. I was the outcast, the black sheep. Everyone looked at my mother liked she was this long suffering victim. She always took food to work, made a huge deal over Christmas, pretended to be so nice to people. But did she really care? Hello no. How did I know and the others didn't see? I am not afraid to think or to look at things and I was the one who knew and she knew I knew. Jealousy as well from her was paramount.
It all began because I loved my Dad and I didn't hate him or blame him like she did. She wanted everyone's pity and sympathy instead of taking responsibility for being a rampant cheater and my Dad leaving her because of that.
He was no angel either but one of my earliest memories of this was I was little (3? 4?) and my mother had taken my brother and I in the car with her and parked it in front of an apartment while she went in and left us in the car.
My dad showed up and asked us where my mom was. I pointed to the apartment building. He went in and dragged her out. I guess she had a boyfriend. She was always egging men on, flirting, and loved to see men fight over her. Well, she never forgave me for telling on her, for pointing out where she went. Mind you, I was a little kid. I was innocent but my mother had to blame someone and it wasn't going to be herself.
So, yeah. Always the victim, always acting like she was so "sweet" and using sex to ensnare men into believing how she "needed" them but in actuality she didn't love anyone as far as I could tell, certainly not us kids. The other thing she did was wear "cuddly" sweat shirts, that had "puffy" animals on them like Care Bears, to help portray this image of total innocence, like she wouldn't ever hurt a fly 🪰🕷🕸 but, underneath...............
You are so right- I am a high functioning alcoholic and have anxiety. But the narcissist knows exactly what they are doing. Don’t let them fool you. When I mentally and emotionally crash I am so embarrassed and I go to my car. Sometimes I throw up in a trash bag in my car. In no way do I want to be around anyone nor seek attention for my woes because if I do it backfires on me. My only issues are from dealing with the narcs in my life and people think I’m being dramatic when I was always crying for help.
I trained myself to stop crying in front of others. Except in front of my kids- who give me hugs. Other than that I trust no one. My Narc dad still yells at me when I cry. I’m 45 year old mother. Trying to divorce a narcissist husband and go through custody battle. But I’m not allowed to cry and feel??? I’m not allowed to feel sorry for my children??? I sure as fuck won’t cry when these pieces of shits die. Nope. I won’t. Wont even go to the funerals. 😊 sorry for the foul language but y’all get it . 😉 ❤❤❤
Thanks for explaining. The Emotionless Voice: this voice and the looks that comes with it... I wilted like a dry leaf being fluttered lifelessly along. I didn't know about this when I was experiencing it. This memory brought back tears after so many years have passed. I can work on my healing now that I have some understanding.
They use volume and gnashing of teeth to intimidate you and induce fear but really inwardly they're terrified of you catching onto their mind games and exposing them!
They're nothing more than cowards who kick puppies.
I’ve noticed this
Omg! I knew it! Sometimes I get so irritated when he is talking to me. He would also try to humiliate me in front of people by correcting me and speaking to me like a child, " it's may I, NOT can I have. Although it's correct, it's when he would do it. Always to make themselves look better than..
@narcabusecoach I am awake and sleepless in Texas at 2:10 in the morning watching your video because my sleep and entire life is being disturbed by my covert narcissist mother. She is giving me the silent treatment, but she is talking about me to herself, out loud of course for my benefit, in a mocking tone. She is always the victim, but she is actually the abuser. She is the personification of a horrible woman, and I only wish that I had known about narcissism years ago instead of losing so much time, energy and hair from being stressed out from her terroristic tactics and manipulation. My mother discarded and devalued me months ago and boy, is she raging. The growling, smear campaigns, belittling, and the monotone voice are all what I am experiencing right now. I am that classic case of a covert mother being jealous and hateful of her daughter. This is a horrible position to be in. Thank you so much for sharing your personal and professional experience and wisdom to educate our community and to direct us on a journey of freedom and healing.💛
You're the best.
Thank you, Danish
Oh, Lord. One minute screaming. Then sweet almost patronizing. Then pitiful. Then blank stare and cold. So glad I don't have to deal with all of that anymore. Now, I almost overanalyze speech.
Thank you, I feel so understood through this. It took me 33 years to find clear despriptions for what happened to me, to understand how they could be this way, no matter what I said and how angry or frustrated I was, I was always gaslit and told I'm too sensitive and it's not my right to talk and feel this way anyway, but besides the anger, confusion, guilt, shame, fear and frustration this narc behaviour instills in me. I still love my family and feel somewhat obligated to and sorry for my mom and that's the trap in all this, cause it means I have to learn how to handle all this, to set clear boundaries and watch after my own energy and trust my judgement what I can and can't allow. Besides that, I've isolated myself a lot, but when I get closer to people I feel like I'm in danger of hurting them as well, because I was a victim to this all my life, afaik just like the generations before me. I struggle with addiction, loneliness, self loathing, anxiety, etc BUT... I believe it can get better when we help each other. I'm grateful for people who share their stories and everyone telling their real truths, especially the wrongdoers, cause it helps understanding. Thx 🙏❤
This whole channel describes my father in law.... So true... Voice point is so accurate
Currently going through this cycle of sweet voice and emotion less voice. After staying apart I realised how toxic my family is including me i guess and my father is an overt narcissist. 2 years prior he tries to lure me back with a problem going on in my brother’s life and he (my father) needed emotional support for that. He talking about emotions was very strange to me. Went no contact for a year. My guilt and my living situation brought me back here. Now that i know him truely and couldn’t stand him initially we had fights. Now even the slightest health related matter and he acts like he is dying. And I am no more the supply. My niece is. And he is doing exactly what he did for me for my niece.
I appreciate your inclusion of neuro a typical symptoms. Your message and delivery was kind and encompasses.
I know a woman who always sounds very friendly when we're around other people but puts on the dead monotous voice when we're alone.. Another way the narcissist tries to control you, especially when you are with them in public is talk down to you in a loud voice as if they were the adult and you the child. IT's a form of shaming to keep you under control.
Thank you for creating this video.
One ex's voice would get very deep and aggressive and intimidating, resorting to yelling when he thought he was losing control, while the other one would be more monotone and calm but condensending and using his words to shame and make you feel guilty about something and my mother would just talk calmly but making you feel stupid and inadequate she was very judgemental
My mother saw something in my future husband that I missed early on. But I remember my parents said if i wanted to marry him then they agreed. My mother told him if he ever puts his hands on me, raise his voice so I don't feel safe, that she would come to our little town and tear it down brick by brick till she finds him. Lol the look on his face. Although he tried that deep voice thing with me a couple times I told him to save that for someone who cares. My family is very large and very close so I never had to worry about the hands on or scary voice. Nor am I afraid of him. But I did endure a lot of crap I never told my parents about. Lying, alcoholism, cheating.
I wish I paid more attention to this voice change red flag. 20 years ago, when we were going out in the car, my narc fiancée was totally changing his voice to the most charming tone he possibly could - and this only when he received calls from his female clients (he was a trainer)... this, shamelessly in front of me.. and if questioned why he used that inappropriate voice while he was supposed to be professional, he'd laugh it off and ask me was I jealous or what... Sick ... 20 years and 2 kids later it only got worse in every possible way!!!!
I experienced firsthand from an individual who I had a personal relationship. Listening to you, I went back over the experiences and identified every single incident! Thank you so very much!!!!
I’m no longer in the relationship. It only lasted 11 months and happened when I was 62. I’m now 73, still alone, went through many scenarios over and over in my head. I know he’s a narcissist! I know he can’t be helped! Yet, I still feel the guilt and am just getting to the point where I can see it was not my fault! Thank you, Danish, for all you do!!!!❤️🤗❤️
Seek God, that helped me
I did face same in my 20s n now m 40 still single. n after this video i solved it. Yes his voice was a tool he used to get whatever he wanted.
Yes, scars on the soul to longer time to recover but u will recover soon, may GOD bless u
OMG you definetely defined my ex.... She was once a sweet loving person that turned later on into some kind of monster. Till now I still wonder how can a person change suddenly. The two personalities doesnot match at all
She may not have changed. The sweet loving person may never have existed in reality, just an act.
Thank you for this insightful video. Blessings on you Danish.
I am going through this now, and this really helps me remember I'm not alone and it doesn't have anything to do with what I did wrong or my value. Thank you so very much.
The way a "Covert" Narcissist behaves is insidious and devious, laying on the "charm" to hook you in, you dont see it coming 😏🚩🏃♀️