5 Red Flags You're Dealing With a Covert Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 29 июл 2024
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chapters
00:00 introduction
01:30 1.covert narcissist is skilled at turning every situation against you
06:19 2.They have mastery in the art of putting people down subtly
08:55 3.A covert Narcissist will perfectly feign Empathy
13:45 4.A covert narcissist Experiences frequent mood swings
16:17 5.They like to be a Martyr in every situation
Don't forget how the covert narcissist uses you as their emotional dumping ground and then blames you for being so negative all the time.
Yep the 2 narcissists i know do this. So negative and dump their negative emotions on me and both of them have constantly accused me of being negative
The man I live with does this to me all the time .....or just starts yelling and telling me everything I do wrong even if I have not done anything and I sitting quietly reading or journaling ....I need to find a way out of this place
They kill their victims slowly and by the time the victim realizes it, it's too late. Coverts are the worst
@@kikikliewer1920good luck
Emotional dumping ground, so could one say maybe like it feels like being an unpaid therapist?
They'll weaponize your words and your silence against you.
if you find yourself justifying, arguing, defending and explaining over and over on a consistent basis, you're absolutely dealing with an idiot narcissist. period.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Yes, absolutely true. My father is a covert narc...no matter what I do or say, he is always denying, disapproving, disagreeing, criticizing, belittling, or lecturing me. It's all about control and him being 'superior'.
@@jbrown2908 good to see you again on the comment sections. 😉
even better move to cut out a toxic person. it's nice if family relations can be repaired, but there's no point ruining one's life for someone/something where there is little to no chance of fixing a serious problem.
-cheers, steven
@@caroleminke6116 💯
@@user-dz7pi5wi6t nothing to achieve with these folks. it's unfortunate to have to cut out a parent (i cut out both my parents back in 2007, no regrets) but if you've done all you can, there really are no regrets to be had. aside perhaps from not doing it sooner, that was my only regret lol. 😉
-all the best, steven
@@caroleminke6116 any attention is good attention for the idiot narcissist lol. they are so backwards in their ways.
-cheers, steven
You end up feeling responsible for their emotional state, and that’s a moving target. They can upset your emotional balance at any time.
True!!!! If a person upsets me with a normal conversation, something is wrong.
They can also destroy you, subtly, with time. Arguing won't work. Nothing works get out fast.
The mood swings are also used to control you. You now have to be tiptoeing around them not to upset them
Trauma bond.
Go no contact, get in contact with your doctor about what you're going through (health wise) and if you can get therapy.
Not only are you then 'off balance' per plan but they then seem to be able to snuggle right down and fall asleep! I wonder sometimes if they don't think to themselves "My work here is done!"
They’re charming and charismatic- a huge red flag
Massive 😏🚩🏃♀️
At first.
They look very sexy or naive and innocent - a huge red flag😅
They're only charming and charismatic to those that can't see past their bullshit
People would tell me I was very charismatic but that’s honestly due to me knowing how to be on guard with ppl sue to the abuse. I wouldn’t dare (subconsciously) sue anything to upset anyone knowing what the narcs did to me 😮💨
The best way to deal with a covert narcissist as far as I know is to ignore them. Don't try to point out their mistakes. Do not take whatever they say seriously, most importantly don't take their comments to heart. Forget that they exist in your life. Have a goal for yourself and work towards it. Put all your efforts in improving yourself and spend most of the time with yourself. Create a beautiful world for yourself, protect it and make sure not to allow the covert narcissist to intrude your space.
They make you feel exhausted, tired and you can see their aggression in their eyes.They hate your happiness and liveliness...
I have experienced this too with my husband. He left almost three months ago. The more successful, happy and confident I became, the angrier he became.
Quiet, kind, caring, humble, insecure, self deprecating until the mask slips, they explode in a sudden rage and you see the demon behind the mask. Deadliest type.
This, absolutely
Yessssss I witnessed this exact thing. Terrifying.
Nailed it!
Covert narcisists play a hero, a victim or a martyr or a combination of the three. They make you feel confused and uneasy and not enough. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. The worst type of them all.
Yelp, and can be codependents too
I experienced this type of narcissist. He shattered my heart. It’s taken me 10 years to heal. A long time but at least I’m past it.
That’s an accurate snapshot. They are also triangulating perpetrators.
@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 THANK YOU!! Couldn't of said it better myself. I made the mistake of letting my soon to be ex mother inlaw move years ago and didn't realize I was dealing with 2 narcissists untill after they left and accused me of being a narcissist. I never looked onto narcissism untill then. They make you forget who you even are as a person and I was like "am I really a narcissist?" So I looked into it and WOW I didnt know how much I was being gas lit.
@@maow9240 I call that psychological gang banging when you are being tortured by two or more narcissists.
In the beginning - It's like finding the most sincere kindest person in the whole wide world. They are nice and gentle. They are affectionate. They will cuddle you and hold you. A couple months in you will notice that they seem to lack in the intimacy department but you will dismiss that to shyness. They will mimic/mirror your style of communication & you the entire time (which goes unnoticed until they become distant with you & use new words). I learned that If you express intimate emotions they will say “I feel the same way for you too or I would do the same thing for you or I love you just as much or I'm glad to hear that.” Which feels insincere and robotic. However you might dismiss that to shyness or inexperience expressing feelings (even tho they could be gorgeous & clearly experienced with women). They will never voluntarily just express their love for you in their own words and say how much they love or miss you. Very rarely will you get an “I miss you" or ” love you" for no reason at all. You will wonder why? Like do they have any feelings? So, you find yourself working harder to make them feel more safe & more loved in hope's that they provide that love back to you. It's easy to dismiss them withholding as a lack of trust or insecurity because they seem so nice. You will look for logic in behaviors and with Coverts there is never any logic which will lead your further down a rabbit hole creating confusion. In time you will start to doubt your own perception of what you see and lack the clarity to see the abuse. You will have more anxiety, lack inner peace & feel tired. Your physical appearance might change where you either gain or lose weight. You struggle to keep yourself at peace. Its exhausting. By now, you have became an expert at everything they like. You take on all the chores and make their life as easy as possible. You feel isolated too b/c they kept you “away". You feel so confused b/c you worked so hard to break down their walls in hopes of a more consistent close bond with them. One day they seem really into you and the next they withhold affection. It's hard trying to figure out what is wrong. The more you vocalize your feelings the more they encourage you with their words that everything is ok. You certainly don't feel “ok" but you make peace with it the best you can and start “withholding” your feelings too b/c they have made you feel like your “too" sensitive and it's too much! Most of the time it will feel like they are present in the flesh but nothing else is going on inside them. Even after all this time you've been together you still feel like you don't really know them. If you happened to gain the courage at a later time to ask more questions as to why things still feel off they will say your being insecure & that they aren't cheating and make you feel like you have issues. If you cry they will watch tv, stare at their phone or even continue to eat dinner. They won't ever give you all their undivided attention & acknowledge your pain. Which makes you more confused bc their actions doesn't match their words. They won't look at you while you cry, they seem like it causes them shame to see you cry. At times you might feel like your having to teach them about feelings as if they were a child. You will wonder why their emotional intelligence seems very immature/off. Everything they have is something you also don't have access too. Their family, phone, friends, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit card statements, and etc. You will start off feeling like they are very private or insecure & years in it now feels like they are super secretive b/c it makes no sense for them to still be so private. They promise things that they don't see through or conveniently feel bad or forget everything that is important to you. They will isolate you and hide their relationship with you. When you express that something about what they are doing isn't right then they act like they lack understanding and that they do nothing to hurt you. You will always be explaining everything and wondering why they just don't get it! They will even use apologies as a form of manipulation. (lack of empathy and no change to their behavior). You will always feel like you need to phone a friend to ask if your situation is normal because this person will give you $200 to pamper yourself but won't invite you to Christmas dinners or let you have access to their phone. They will leave/abandon/ghost you to say they are sleeping at a relative's house then on their way home they will offer to bring you breakfast or something from the store. Even their giving is a form of manipulation. They want to distract you with gifts to keep you off balanced from the emotional abuse they are putting you through. When you ask them why they didn't come home they will say they felt like you didn't want them around or etc. You will spend the entire relationship wondering how someone who seems like such a nice person can be so emotionally cold. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
This comment was amazing. I am amazed how I lived this, and testify to their behavior. She was the Beautiful & most kind woman I ever dated but I noticed narc patterns that were odd. Eventually the relationship eneded and we both walked away.
My story exactly
💯🚩
I never suspected because you're right, they were mirroring me!!! When my emotions got too intense and she couldn't match that anymore. The truth came out. Imagine I was in the rock bottom, how can she mirror that without me being suspicious? Lol. She said I was too difficult. Yes difficult to manipulate. Because my life is no longer treading the superficial, it's not a narcs comfort zone
Nailed it! 💯
They'll stop you from doing things, but you won't really know how, you just find you start doing less and less, and they can say 'I never told you not to do x,y or z' and they'll even go so far as to play the super supportive partner, who sadly has an imbecile on their hands to look after, but they're doing their best! They get all the sympathy and you get treated like you're a dimwit..
That's so true. It's really inexplicable, and that's why not many people who have never been with a narc in any capacity, can thoroughly understand. But I'll say this - they achieve this by withholding crucial information and resources which will help you achieve the best results. Covert narcs want you to do just about enough, so that they can tell the world that they did their best to make you realize your potential, but at the same time, they never want you to achieve so much that you 'outshine' them, so that they can say then that it was a failure on your part.
It's so evil, from the pits of hell
This
Omg you just described my ex husband!
@@GmonkeyJ777truly there is a spiritual evil & uniformity of all of them
What bothers covert narcissists the most is when they have no effect on you. It confuses the hell out of them and makes them extremely angry. My sister is a covert narcissist.
Before I left my wife, I was just done and completely non responsive to an assault that was fairly standard, until it went on and I told her, "when you start talking to me instead of yelling at me, I'll listen." She lost her shit so hard when I used her own words against her.
Yes they'll take you to the Dr, but 99.9% of the time they're the one who made you need a Dr in the first place..
Completely!! Mine nearly drove me to suicide, told my parents how concerned he was about me, staged an “intervention” to show how much he “loved” me, and then drove me to the doctor and told them how much he cared. It was all I could do not to slap the fake concern off his face, because I knew that would only convince them I was crazy.
Then they abandon you while you recuperate!
Amen 🙏
Hell tes!
She keeps dragging me to therapists and counsellors - trying to make me think I’m the one with the problem. No! She’s the problem.
He loved to play *The Perpetual Victim* no one had a harder Life than him, no one was treated worse in Life than him, loved *The Pity Parties* 😏🚩🏃♀️
Oh yes. Whining every day. I finally asked him “do you ever have a good day?”
@@jeanette590 It gets really old listening to their constant whining 😏🚩🏃♀️
Until it's time to put someone else down for being "not giddy enough with joy" just for the pleasure of their stinking company.
You could have a broken leg, bleeding out of your eyes, and he would say others had it worse then you and spin it into all of the crap that happened to him when he was an adolescent...🤦🏻♀️
He made it seem like he has the hardest life ever, because he needed to go to work like every other person. He used substances to "get through it" because it's sooo hard. He also made ridiculous comparisons like, he has a more difficult life than me because both his parents are alive while one of mine died when I was younger! I'm sure though if it was the other way around and his parent was dead he would milk empathy on that for all eternity
These crazy people are just horrible and exhausting. Thank-you for the great content.
For me, the covert narcissist comes across as a people pleaser. They like to be in the spotlight to get the validation that they crave for, as other narcissists but at the same time, they pretend to be humble, simple, generous, over giving. The covert narcissist will take time to build a relationship/friendship with you. During this period, they will show their admiration and their devotion by helping you with everything that is you need. They will try to convince you that you are soulmates and that they understand you deeply. At the same time, you will see them being overly altruistic, maybe helping society by engaging in charities, activism. They feed the poor, take care of the homeless. All this makes you think how lucky you are for having met such a beautiful soul. You want to be by their side for ever. However, soon you notice how much they enjoy being invited in galas to talk about their achievements. But they don’t admit that. They still play the humble guy who doesn’t want all this. Who is beyond money, beyond fame and recognition, who wants to share the floor with other people. But their acts don’t match their words. You come to realise that this selfless soul is actually doing whatever it takes to be in the centre of attention. When you do something together be it at work or at home, they want to control everything about it. They just exerce their control in a more polite and implicit way, making you believe that your voice was heard whereas in reality you did what they wanted you to do. Covert narcissists have a smooth way of leading you on. They don’t shout, they don’t give orders. They are master actors. They convince you that you are together in this. What makes them a narcissist is that when the time comes for them to use you in order to draw certain benefits, they will do it without a second thought and you are not going to believe in your eyes. And when you stand up for yourself and raise your voice against them calling them for their phony identity, then you will see their rage for the first time and the mask will fall. Covert narcissists manipulate less with rage/exhibiting superiority and more with people pleasing behaviour/playing the eternal victim. They are not aggressive as overt narcissists. They are more cunning. What they both have in common is self-centered ness and lack of empathy. In the case of coverts, it will take you longer to find out.They knew what they wanted to get out of you from the beginning. They created a whole theatre play to fool you about who they are and their true motives. You will trust them with all your heart but when the time comes for them to prove their loyalty by choosing your bond over their personal gain, they will choose the latter with no remorse, without even taking any responsibility. Unlike the overt narcissist, they will have an eloquent excuse for doing so, rationalizing why they had to f@ck you over. They will pretend to be sorry about it because this is something that matches the image of modesty that they want to project but in reality they are not sorry at all. You will see them partying with your own money when they said they didn’t have enough to pay you back. You will see them being unfair and untrustworthy to other people as well. When the mask of the victim will fall, you will see the cruel smile of a perpetrator who managed to get what they want without deserving it. If you decide to unmask them run for your life. Additionally, The unwavering support and dedication demonstrated by Metaspyhub@gmail. com have been pivotal in my journey to uncover the painful truth surrounding my partner's infidelity. From the moment I first reached out to them, their professionalism and unwavering commitment to assisting me in finding the answers I desperately sought were readily apparent and highly commendable. Through their swift action and meticulous investigation, They presented me with compelling evidence that left no room for doubt. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I confronted my cheating partner with newfound courage, reclaiming my self-worth and paving the way for a future filled with renewed hope. Throughout this emotionally challenging process, Metaspyhub's expertise and unwavering support served as a constant source of strength, offering invaluable guidance and empathetic understanding when I needed it the most. I am profoundly grateful for their unwavering assistance, as it has empowered me to move forward with unwavering determination and newfound resilience.
I'm sad for all of us. Sorry to everyone who deals with this.
My father through and through. They're the biggest cowards. And he could never eat anything I cooked without saying it was great, but so and so made it better. It was so transparent. He couldn't stand for me to be great at anything.
He want to critize you, but want to Do it sneaky So you dont realize it
@@FM....... You have to pretend you are too stupid to see the insult so they can feel intelligent or they'll throw a tantrum and all the flying monkeys will start swarming again.
That hurt just reading it...!😭What an Ahole...!!! Can’t Imagine my Daddy saying that to me or anyone...I am so sorry. Got to the point with my narc, and others that I said do it yourself and stopped doing Anything at all...I’m stubborn as can be, though...☺️
@@betaylor5031 Oh yeah. He lost the privilege of eating my food. Lol It feels good when you decide you're not going to take their crap anymore. Stubbornness is a gift.
1. Skilled at using every situation against you (with a self-victimizing spiral and addiction comorbidities, and plausible deniability)
2. Mastery in the art of putting people down subtly
3. Perfectly feign empathy. Show up for you but devalue you at the same time (similar to BPD splitting but triggered by you saying no to them)
4. Frequent mood swings, making you a people pleaser
5. Want to be the martyr in every situation.
I could put a photo of my ex under the definition of covert narcissist. Thank you for this video, it took me from wondering to certain.
My mom was a covert narcissist. Nearly cost me my life as a teenager. I walked away and never looked back. Coverts are the hardest to figure out. These are good videos. Thank you!
Severing parental ties is sometimes a necessary act of self-preservation. Did you manage to avoid any negative pushback from your mother?
You were smart to permanently severe ties with her. After doing that for about five years and returning, supporting her, she turned around, twisted an unfortunate event that happened to me into a ‘it was your fault. I raised you better...’ as I could not support her apartment anymore, turned my entire family against me, she would not talk to me and then, passed away out of nowhere about two years later...Talk about a mind Ef...Took me a decade to start to function normally, again. Yes, you were smart to server ties with your momma...!🤗🕊💕
I’m living this right now. It’s the most insidious kind of disorder. It’s so sneaky, so underhanded, soooooo invisible. My mother definitely has this. So does my husband. And I am Borderline. Thankfully a slightly more anxious borderline than aggressive (thankfully for people around me, that is). Talk about being stuck in a hell of my own making.
It is unlikely to be your own making if your intentions are good, we are just not listening to our intuition, and doubting ourselves unneccessarily.
My boyfriend is like this and I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how to break it off but I'm going to just do it hopefully tomorrow. He has been giving me the silent treatment for the last 24 hrs. I can't believe I am dealing with this. I was ready to go to a Dr thinking I am the one losing my mind!
I’m sorry for your pain. I’m there too. 22 yrs in this relationship. I didn’t find this out till finding out he cheated 9 months ago. I don’t see a point out tru reconciliation because he has done nothing to fix things. Avoids convos denying everything then minimizing then saying sorry. I kept finding things because I have questions still and he hasn’t been honest. Found dating app asked played stupid. Makes you feel like I’m loosing my brain.
They do still fly into rages overtly though. When they dissociate and incur a narc injury--they explode!
Yes, the covert shouts out of a sudden
Looks like a snap right? Like a switch flipped? Fight flight freeze ECT. Response activates in you?
I’ve noticed how they call you passive aggressive and it’s like treading on eggshells around the victim when it’s them who’s doing it 😊
Can you discuss the topic of narc neglecting their own health, get sick and expecting YOU to feel sorry and take care of them. Sadly faced it with my covert ex
"You take care of you for me, and I take care of me for you" eludes them?
I’m there now. Did two yrs with a broken molar. Finally went in when half his face swelled 15 yrs with back pain refusing to report work injury. Almost retiring now wants to do it because someone at work made him like a martyr with his back. Been hobbling around. Never mind to visit fam he perks up or does amazon delivery. Yes he’s in pain but it funny how he goes from crippling pain to perky. 😳😳 it’s exhausting. And never listened to me or my advice.
In the private covert narcissists either mirror you or have times they are depressed and need to sleep a ton. I do not think they are really depressed, they just don’t understand why they cant be authentic like yourself deep down. They gave on that a long time ago.
They are undoubtedly the most dangerous ones!
Absolutely
😢
Scary 😢
They’re expert fault finders (they do it as an art form too- perverse and sickening !) - even in an underhanded covert subtle way - digs especially
The digs are the worst
These videos really help. I've grown up with these people, been a magnet for these people as an adult, it helps a lot to hear i'm not alone. Thanks man, means a lot
He would always tell me he never said this or that! Always then when I would tell him I know what he's been up to. He would tell me to prove it. Always telling me to prove stuff to him..even the stuff he said he didn't say in an earlier time..I was starting to think.." am I crazy to the point where I would specifically listen to each and every word so I could try and remember for the future( because I knew he was going to say he never said that) I almost started to record every conversation. I seriously got to that point and then I started thinking this man is trying to make me think I'm crazy. I was not the crazy one!
I actually did record conversations. I'm out now and if I ever feel I have to record conversations again, I will be gone.
Great that you could find out!
Omg yes
I have no idea how I started watching your videos. And because of them I am healing. Today I burst into laughter instead of tears at the accuracy and deep connection I feel with you as you explain the truth of how these loveless individuals act. I didn't know what was happening and got caught up loving them as I do all others in a way that caused me to want to die, later got sick, exhausted me and my career could not be attended to because of depletion. No, I did not "bring it on myself". I didn't know. Now I do. Like I quit smoking to help my lungs, your videos and life show me how to remember the love I am and not allow their decisions not to find what's in them too, take from me like they could when I didn't understand. And I'm a therapist of 40 years. My profession doesn't get it yet. I do and I thank you.
When standing up to a narcissist by refusing to buy into their guilt-tripping bs, they will try to project their own lack of empathy onto you with self-pitying, retorical questions and statements like: "You wouldn't care if I was hit by a bus, would you? You're a cold and unloving person" I had one enraged person threaten to kill themself "and anyone who gets in their way" by driving as fast as they can into oncoming traffic, then ending this threat with: "and it will be all your fault!". My response, after ensuring all reasonable steps were taken to address actual risk: "No. You are responsible for the decisions you make and the actions you take. " Narcissistic behaviour is dangerously toxic.
If you don't stand up for yourself, they abuse you. But if you do stand up for yourself, you're being difficult and wasting time because otherwise you could have been spending nice time together😨😂
I’ve always thought my ex was a covert narc bc he is very good at disguising his toxic traits in public and often at home. But he did lose it and scream at me and the kids. He became physically abusive as well to my older 2 children as they became teenagers. I wonder now if he is a bit of both covert and overt? However, no one outside of our family would ever believe or suspect that behavior from him so maybe it is covert.
He is always the victim or hero/martyr in every scenario. The first time that I discovered he had betrayed me (sexual betrayal) and confronted him, my oldest child was about 4 months old. He got tearful and said “the reason I always went with you to your doctor appointments was bc I wanted to protect you. That’s why I sacrifice and work so hard- so I can take care of you… so you can stay home with the baby” etc etc. He completely shifted the narrative from the focus of his betrayal to his heroic acts of love for me. I was left confused and feeling ungrateful. I felt afraid that if I said anything else about it I might be forced to go back to work when I really did want to take care of my baby full time. There was so much manipulation and confusion my entire 23 years of marriage. I became a shell of myself, silenced and compliant.
This channel has been so helpful to me the last few months, thank you Danish. My mum is a covert narcissist, and guilt has dogged me and my 2 brothers all our lives. My older brother killed himself due to alot of reasons, but guilt was a major factor.
Myself and my mum haven’t spoken since September 2023, (Due to me voicing my concern for another family members welfare in her care) and instead of attempting to repair our relationship like an adult, she has been on a huge campaign to tell anyone who will listen how i have hurt her, and I'm the devil in disguise.
The final reveal of her covert ways came in December, when she sent my younger brother over with a box of my dead brothers shoes (which she knows impact me greatly).
Just horrendous, but so glad i see her clearly now.
Sad about your older brother, they live for kaos and drama, stand clear and don't bother knowing what she's thinking, mine locked up, I've the key 🔑 to where that is but wouldn't know which door 🚪 should I care to visit, dementia diva said I had power of attorney, just more lies, I'm glad that fell through, easier for authorities, her friends, family and neighbours to finally see how nuts she truly is, always was! She'd say too I was best kid to which I'd reply "Tough competition", 😝!
@@joseenoel8093 Dementia Diva 🤣🤣 that gave me a laugh this morning! These bloody mothers are hard work. I used to get that title too, but it's all a load of nonsense. Stay strong my friend 🙌 we got this.
An x friend is a covert. Went no contact recently. Last May I met her son in law. I knew immediately something was wrong with him. Just found out he killed himself. I don’t know his side of the family, but the in laws are totally toxic. Hearing this broke my heart.
@@RaptureReadyforJesus-qv2ql that is horrendous news, that poor man. Yes, toxic families really have a huge impact on mental health and physical health. It sounds bad but the longer I am no contact with my mum, the better I feel. Gabor Mate talks alot about the impact of stress can have on the body and mind, worth a listen 👍
My 17-year-old daughter, finally got out of a relationship with a full-blown, narcissist, not covert, I thought, every sign everything that you mentioned was going on in their relationship, and my daughter already had depression. She believed everything he said to her, and it really messes with your head, especially young people that are not have the experience of many relationships, I kept trying to explain to her that he is a true narcissist. He has every single trait and he has really messed her up. I kept explaining to her things and letting her know that it is not her fault. She was so loving and kind and wanted to be loved, and yet she turns around and blames her self for things that people on the outside know we’re not true, but she believed it, he twisted everything twisted her brain. She finally left him and I finally talked her into blocking him. No contact no communication because nothing will ever work. No talking will ever work. It’s all in a circle and blamed on her. She will explain till she’s blew in the face, and he will never work things out take responsibility or even have a normal conversation but now she has some other mental issues because of it and I just hope that she can heal
What you see is NOT what you get
My mother's mother fits this description perfectly. She loved being the center of everybody's pity party. I think my mother's father was intimidated by his wife to the degree that he always sided with his wife, never with my mother. My mother always felt attacked and victimized by both of her parents. The result? My mother married my overt narc father who loved-bombed her at first, then completely neglected her later. My poor, screwed-up mother became a hoarder because there was never anything for her other than outgrown baby clothes, old newspapers and magazines, and old plastic bags. So those are the thigs she stockpiled. The damage done by narcissists is far-reaching, and it's a sad thing.
In her deathbed she refused to see me, her oldest daughter.” She tortured me my entire life.I deserve to die in peace.”
Because she did so much for the church she was eulogized as “ an angel on earth.”
I hope she is in heaven, because I’m a Christian, but it’s dubious. I wrote on another post what happened with my mother...Sadly, I know your pain...it took me a decade to start functioning normally after she passed. Didn’t get therapy, but watched these videos and prayed hard. Please let me know how you are doing. Know you are not alone...I’m sending you a big Soul Hug and so much Love...🤗💕🕊
My Mom is still alive, but she is the same- she would drag us all to church so everyone could see allllll of her children, then after church little old
Ladies would come up to me and grab my arm and tell me “Your mother is a SAINT!” and I would think, “Aren’t saints dead?” And “YOU try living with her!”. I don’t remember how young I was, but very young - I used to sing that song “Step on a crack, and you’ll break your mothers back”- I used to stomp on every single crack in the sidewalk, sometimes jumping with both feet. I was such an angry little girl. Because of St Helen.
These are definitely signs of a covert but coverts are not all exactly the same. My ex covert boyfriend was 1) Generally fun in public and everyone liked him but awful to me in private 2) always the victim 3) loved to stonewall, blame and give me the silent treatment, 4) was aggressive in public and in private if someone (especially me or another woman) didn't do or say what he wanted and 5) loved giving devaluing comments about my views, achievements, interests and appearance. He was very aggressive when angry and didn't do things like be really affectionate or do lots of things for me. I think covert boyfriend versus covert mother is different because of their roles but the overall effect is the same as the abuse is behind doors and not upfront as with an overt.
Covert narcissist the nice guy or girl very friendly they hide behind the false sweet hero image but the people closest to them know the other side
Is this why I feel like pets are so much better than people?! Ive been so physically sick with brand new things. Now I know why i am constantly sick and not sleeping. 😢
Yes
Thank you for all your videos because many of us only thought that narcissist were fast fancy cars and they looked in the mirror and they had to have their hair. Just perfect and talked about themselves. Had no idea, I had no idea that it had to do anything different.
Covert narcissist was never anything heard of, and then one a person just couldn’t take it anymore, and they type in toxic relationship ……BOOOOOOOOOOOOM…….. these different narcissist types pop up. Darniche, you are such a blessing and we love you very very much. God bless you.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
The covert narc that I was dating would constantly emotionally dump on me, cry nearly every time we were together and I was expected to constantly comfort them despite them never doing that for me. Their problems were always worse than mine, they always had the right to complain but when I wanted too I was too negative. I was so exhausted and stressed all the time that usually when this happened I would have a panic attack and start crying too. After so long of trying my best to help nothing changed so I felt helpless and stressed and scared that they’d hurt themself (as was always held over me). I would then be told that “I’m making it all about me”. I remember one time (near the end of my relationship) this went on again and they were crying and complaining but at this point I was so exhausted I had dissociated from my emotions and wasn’t crying, just responding in a robotic tone. They immediately started crying harder saying that “I don’t care” and that I’m a “bad partner” and “I’m not listening” and “i dont love them” and after being berated with this for a while I finally snapped and did start crying and panicking trying to convince them that I did care. After I finally snapped, they dropped the act and said something along the lines of “this is the REAL you I wanted to see.” As if the “real me” is only present when I’m at my breaking point stressed out of my mind. As if all I am is there to be an emotional punching bag to boost their ego. It was then when I realized what I was really dealing with. Fucking disgusting.
@hex11244 holy crap!!! 😰🤭 thank you for sharing! Most of what you shared, is my life too… but that last part… where they said that’s the You they were waiting to see!?! 🤯 I hope toy are OUT!!! God bless you!!!❤❤❤
Their ego is sick!
@@yumildarodriguez1175 truly 🤢
My mother is a covert narcissist. It left invisible wounds all over my life that I didn't know I had. I just felt like I didn't deserve to be alive for some unknown crimes I must have committed. As a teenager, I ended up in hospital, suicidal. I stayed a while. There were meetings with my family, doctors, and myself, regularly. My parents and sibblings were supposed to attend them with us. But only my mother would come, giving the staff excuses why I wasn't important enough to have others attend the meetings. But she was the perfect mother that wouldn't miss them. I remember the last time she showed up. The doctors were trying to make her understand that changes were needed at home and with the parenting we were receiving or the children would keep suffering. She started crying, shouting, "MY family doesn't have a problem!! SHE IS the problem!" She took off and no one attended my health meetings after that. Months later I was released from hospital. She came to pick me up. She had brought the golden child along. In the end, she gave me a coin, told me to ride the bus closer to home where she would eventually pick me up. She and the golden child drove off together. I felt my heart break. I wanted to walk right back in that hospital. I am 40 yo now and I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore and I finally feel I deserve to be alive.
So sorry about what you have to experience and so happy you're living the life you deserve now.
It's been eight years since I left her. I'm still not sure if she even knows what she was doing. I didn't know what emotional abuse was, but I do now. She tried so hard to assign motive to my missteps and create a narrative to make herself a victim. In my face, cornering me, daring me to do something about it.. I did. I left.
To this day she seems to remember everything as if it there were no problems. She even retells old stories from her perspective that are completely inaccurate in context.
Thats the tricky part isnt it. They dont actually know what they are doing. I work 14 hrs a day 6 days a week and then come home to work sun up to sun down sat and sun, i just found out my current wife is telling everyone im financially abusive to her. WTF even is that, i just want the bills paid. We almost lost the house because of her financial problems and somehow im the bad guy. But she is all nice to my face, wont ever talk to me about something bothering her, i have to hear it through the grapefine....
They first act as a empath they try to be into you and understand ur feelings before ur in their trap once ur in they are very cold and they always want you to understand they never fulfil any promise of their and always judge you slightly and they can go on and on and remind you of ur past mistakes and how they helped you the help wont be so big but they will glorify their mistakes ...
And they justify by saying “I just need to speak my mind.”
Another problem is that couples therapy isn't very effective. Few therapists can recognize a covert for the same reason that friends and extended family can't see it. It's hidden except for in very private. My completely unaffectionate bf sat down for our first couples session and took my hand-something he had never really done in private, so of course i looked like the uncooperative one when i pulled away. This is typical- they'll bait you so that you look like the volatile one, while they demonstrate how "reasonable" they are. Our therapist finally caught on when she asked him to imagine how i felt and realized he had zero empathy. Now she only works with me
Denzo moss: coverts have very powerful demons which gives them the ability to be as subtle and effective as they are. Very stealth, quiet. My experiece is well understood now. Can't explain. You have to have experienced it. So dark, cold, cruel and most likely a psycopath!
Well said you are spot on ...they have powerful demons which gives them the power to feel your energy
My mother would tell me that I took better care of my pets than my kids when she watched me prep salads for my rabbits to eat!
When I graduated from college, she insisted I have a graduation party that she threw for me. She made it a combination grad party and wedding anniversary celebration and then took all the money I got in the cards to reimburse her for the expense of throwing the party!
Center of attention and backwards compliments really resonated. Thank you Danish!
Wow… this should be required information for anyone that’s looking for a partner.
Like you, I grew up with a mother that was narcissistic. Not to the level that you experienced, from what I’ve gathered here.
I’m not traditionally trained in any way. And I never really knew what a narcissist was, until after my divorce. I came out of my marriage, lost and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’ve devoured as much information about narcissism as I can since.
Your part in this video, about your friend getting that job, hit me like a ton of bricks.
After many years of changing myself, doing anything I could to better myself, and months or couples therapy, I decided to do something special for my then wife. A 3 week vacation, week in Florida, week in California and finishing with a week in Hawaii with some old friends. It was the middle of winter, sunshine sounded amazing.
First two weeks were good, but the first night in Hawaii, not so much.
I was having a great time reconnecting with my friends, and they were being nice to her. But out of nowhere, she started crying, when we all were talking. My friends consoled her, we figured she was just overwhelmed.
Later that night, it was only me and her, and a close friend hanging out. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, but as I entered the house and walked to the bathroom, every hair on my body stood up. Confused I looked around… and that’s when I was rewarded for my efforts. I could see her out of the window, stand up and walk over to my friend, grab him, and start making out with him.
He had to push her off. And I went to the bathroom. When I went back outside, I noticed my friend at the corner of the house and when we made eye contact, he put his down and walked away.
I’ll spare the rest of the story, as this is long enough.
When a narcissist is found out, they should be marked for the world to see. That way, they can’t hurt others.
When I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer my now ex’s mask began to slip. In public, he was the most supportive husband, ever. At home, I was living with two hells to deal with. In one of his rages he started screaming about how I had “too many wins.” I finally got him to explain that and he screamed he keeps tracks of wins and losses and that I had too many wins compared to him, so he was done with the relationship. Looking back, he was trying to manipulate me to do even more while going through treatments and surgeries for cancer, working full time, and being the one doing all the housework and maintenance. Seems so unreal thinking back on it now 😢
That is so crazy! Like you are in a battle with a sibling who gets more desert
so there right now 😢
@@susanjohnson8290 sorry to hear that :(. Sending strength, clarity, love, and peace to you 💜💜💜
They are heartless. I hope your health is getting better now. Drop that asshole and you'd probably be healed quick
Mine has never said I’m sorry and never cried. Neither would he first reach out and hold my hand, I’ve always had to do it
This is one of the many reasons why my mom never cared for me. This subtle stuff never worked on me. I didn't care enough. Just ignored it. But behind closed doors she'd unleash on me. Probably as punishment that I didn't care enough or was too stupid or too authentic to play the game.
One time she tried to get a reaction out of me and it worked. On a day that she was jealous of me she told a bunch of people that my little sister was cuter than me at the same age. She knew I could hear that and I stormed off. Later she tried to make it right by telling me I was really the cuter one lol. As if THAT'S what I was upset about. I explained that I was upset that she would even think to say something like that out loud, the deeper implications of what that meant. She could not understand or pretended to not understand and just kept repeating "no, you were the cuter one! Are you happy now?!" First of many times I would come to realize I don't really have a mother. I'm very close with my daughter and grateful to break the cycle.
Yes and you must buffer, go between the 2, my mom tried to get my daughter to disrespect me at 17 when she'd visited there alone, everyone ends up being slandered/targeted, they've the mind of a mouse 🐁! 😮
"Too authentic to play the game."
If I was crying, I never was consoled !
If he acted upset, oh you better show him all the attention. Such selfish babies !
Boy I never got so emotional 😭 and when you said i became a people’s pleaser it hit home 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thank you for your videos! They have been extraordinarily helpful. I kept trying to figure out what was happening......his behavior never made sense. I suspected covert narcissism, but didn't have enough info until I found your videos. Lots of missing puzzle pieces. Now I know and will leave. It was so insidious, I can't believe I second guessed myself. You and your videos are a blessing! You're saving a lot of people from abuse. Thank you again!
It's absolutely insane how they convince themselves, and everyone else around them, that you are the problem. And when you try to call them out for their manipulative behavior - they call you a liar and make you go crazy to the point of convincing you that YOU are narcissist and the problem. In the end - those looking from the outside in can't tell the difference as to which one is and isn't the narcissist.
They buy you absolutely lovely gifts or really crappy ones. Often buying you something that they want or need.
This entire video fully describes what I’ve dealt with. Thank you.
He used to call me "the milking cow" - and the comment was - you cook the best, you take care of the kids the best, you do everything the best, but then you just spill the milk with your stupid behaviour. And the behaviour was me going to work...
Thank you, Danish, for sharing the public clues about narcissism. At least the people can guard themselves from narcissistic abuse. I like how you explain the characteristics of the narcissist temper. You're on point all the time. God bless you for being there for us unsuspecting people about narcissism. ❤🙏🏻❤
I was thinking it was my fault that communication wasn't happening and that I did something to make them act the way they were acting but they were just enjoying being difficult to watch me be in pain. Than when I did finally get a chance to reflect long enough to communicate all I wanted to they provoked me and confused me so that I felt like the things I was saying wasn't even me but incomplete thoughts that were never given the time to be drawn to a point. There is a proverb in the Bible that perfectly describes this Proverbs 29:9 AMP
[9] If a wise man has a controversy with a foolish and arrogant man, The foolish man [ignores logic and fairness and] only rages or laughs, and there is no peace (rest, agreement).
I lost 25 years in a burning hell because of my covert narc. Now I am taking my revenge. STEP BY STEP.
Just let go. They are sick, messed up people, dare I say they dont have a choice but act that way.
Just let go. Forgive. Live.
"He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves"
As the lemon above said, forgiveness. You're not forgiving them for them, but for yourself and your own mental health.
Its been 10 years for me, im just comming to terms with my spouse and acting the way she does. Im starting to understand a little better. Im getting my things in order so i can do what needs to be done. The hard part is going to be actually doing it. Once its done i can focus on my little girl and be done for the most part with my soon to be ex.
I was "The Problem"
Thank you! I now know exactly what I'm dealing with. My former pastor that I worked for for over twenty years is a covert narcissist and his wife overt. Plus I am actually still receiving abuse from them more than a year after being kicked out of their ministry. It's helpful to know what I'm dealing with. Thanks again!
Real monsters 😔
I WILL RIGHT THIS IN CAPITAL LETTER ' MY MOTHER' ENABLING MY FATHERS NARCISSISM AND TURNING EVERY SITUATION AGAINST ME AS I AM THE SCAPE GOAT. 14 FUCKING YEARS
We cannot even recognize them but we cannot categorize them u helped us a lot jazakallah khair
I need Almost my whole life to recognize him
Another thing I have found is a Covert Narcissist will have other people do their dirty work and avoid going to Jail. Some of them are quite intelligent in a very sick and twisted way.
I’m still traumatized over a year later. We were old friends from HS so I kept making excuses but 2 days into seeing each other first flag, another week another flag, but being a people pleaser I kept making excuses. It got to be where I couldn’t tolerate them even though they came across as nice and caring and helpful. Ignored all boundaries, always the victim, constantly needed to make him feel secure. Just a Giant manipulative con artist. Trust your gut, he gave off vibes and I ignored because of past friendship. If someone shows you who they are believe them. Run, run if you encounter one.
I think you hit all the 5 red flags for my mum she was truly a Covert Narcissist and my Aunt was an Overt Narcissist. Everything you said about the Overt and the Covert was definitely to my Mum and my Aunt. Well done! Danish Bashir
Ohh..its very painful that i am dealing with vulnerable covert narcissist ...my husband discarded me suddenly after devaluation state of 2 years.My 10 years of marriage was broken and i was left alone with my daughter. He was charming and charismatic person but shows his true monsters face.I have gone no contact since 1 month.I decided finally to leave him and do single parenting. I can't thank enough Danish for your valuable insights on this monster's narcissist who just ruined our life..I pray for all victims 🙏 and thanks Universe to send Danish as an angel in our life to save from this hell...thank you soooo much Danish 🙏🙏.
Will be grateful to you all my life🙏🙏.
Thanks so much for this video! It helped me so much!
Danish, Thank you for your ongoing mission keeping us informed❤
Thank you for the clarity in all your posts .Thank you for your detailed analysis
Cheers your insights are amazing. Many thanks for sharing it with us Dennis.
Thank you Danish, wish I heard this 3 yrs ago, started having suspicions 2yrs ago. Today Ive watched many of your vids so grateful, I ended that relationship in my mind. My guilt has disappeared in toto, amen.
You are the best buddy...
So deep and true...
It resonates with my situation with my covert narcissist MIL....
I had tears in my eyes listening to you
So amazing, get a heads-up ❤
Love your content! Thank you!
It took me over 2 decades to realize my doorman is a covert narc. Ironically, the way I found out was through my overt narc mother...who might have overreacted when a neighbor's dog came out of the elevator, surprising her. That neighbor is very friendly with the doorman. Even though I wasn't involved, other neighbors became very rude and nasty towards me...and they also happened to be the ones who always socialize with the doorman. Putting 2 and 2 together, I found out the doorman is a covert narc who was badmouthing my family over the dog incident. In hindsight, other signs that he is a narc: (1) He likes to be an 'expert' or 'know-it-all' and shows off what he knows (2) He gossips about everyone, usually negative (3) He is friends with the overt narcs (4) He can be passive aggressive (5) He cares a lot about his image and does everything/anything to maintain it (being friendly, sociable, hardworking, competent, reliable, etc.).
Number 1 isn't really a sign though
@@redefinedliving5974 Most of the narcs I've known like to brag or appear superior in some way.
More power to you man ...u helped me alot ❤
I literally had to start recording my husband. He would cry and having a temper tantrum almost anywhere!! He would say things or say i said things that NO ONE EVER SAID. He also wouid tell me all about how everyone treats him so badly. I knew then i had to record interations. For 7 months i recorded nearely every interaction so he couldnt lie. I began to realize how is it that EVERYONE is always doing something to him. its such a destabilizing situation.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing. so sorry to hear about how awful your 2 parents treated you. Thats why you created this channel Im sure.. to spread the message. That must have been scary & tough for you a a little child. I too have 2 narcassitic parents. You are the first person I met that also has 2 narcissistic parents. It was hard & scary for me as an only child, I had no one to turn to but honestly looking back I am stronger from it. Ive gone thru a long journey of self discovery, learning & healing and now have a happy life with a great husband and amazing daughter. Wishing you the best!
And the oscar goes to the covered narcissist ... They are the best actors ever -without the hints from my children I would never ever have found out ... But "decovered" could not only become my husband, ... my mother and nearly unbelievable my father doing the greatest covered narcissist job ever - are/were acting as the best flying monkeys ever ... All not new for some of my old friends "well, your parents always blamed you for this and that when you were a teen ..." Such a big story I never ever could expect - but I survived and also my children will have a better future now ...
Just realized the situation you mentioned at @16:16; and it was followed by a wall of pains that is as tall and intensive as Niagara fall coming at you.
Thank you for being brave and sharing with us.
So correctly said. You describe it all so perfectly.
Thank you Danish
💯 True
Was raised by one too…they are dangerous and take pleasure in turning people against you…❤
Thanks!
I got 'mine' telling me today how I was 'cursing' at him snd the midwife when I gave birth. I had a home birth without epidural, nothing against the pain, I was screaming thinking I would die giving birth and between all that pain I asked 'please be quiet', but yeah he tries to ruin even those memories.
And all what he has done, he won't stop repeating ' that's what you make of it'.
Can't wait to not having to share the same roof ever again.
Thanks for this helpful video.
Omg my separated husband said ill always be here for you after the discard and i EXPECT you to be here for me! Omg 😲
Wow very helpful content.
My ex drank and drank. He works always say he didn’t drink that much. I used to hear him throwing up in the bathroom in the middle of the night and wake up to the things go broke or the mess he made, he didn’t remember doing it.
He drank himself sick twice right before he moved out of his apartment back to his parent’s house.
This is spot on
Hi Danish, I am sorry to say I've read a bunch of the comments on this and many other videos and though I am confident that you're qualified I'm not so sure that the peanut gallery. I feel like there are too many chefs. Everyone is trying to blame someone else... I just want to write I am fully aware of my contribution to MY shit show. It took me a bit but I get it. Thank you for your work.
I really appreciate you doing this video.🙏
Two people I care deeply about think the other is a narc, both show some of these signs, and im starting to worry that both are this, yet because of who they are to me i feel this mental block, refusing to go to a concrete yes or no.
These are not people i can easily cut out of my life. And also people i do not want to cut out of my life because of how important they are to me, especially if I'm wrong.
I'm just gonna continue going with the flow for now and pray the universe puts things back in balance again.
Thank you again for covering this. 🙏
Wow ! exactly what I am living with now. Thank you so much with this video. I knew there was a name for her condition. It is energy, sucking, and grief stricken to be around her . I’m making plans now to get her out asap.
OMG DANISH, thank you soooo much for this video. I have yet to even go on to point number 2 but you hit everything on point and now I can confirm he is a covert narcissistic. I was thinking he is between overt and covert but now I am sure he is covert.