Thank you for explaining the difference between narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. Also, the dual mothership model is interesting. I’ve been told that kind of relationship is true love. It’s really not though. A person who truly loves cares for the well-being of the other and does not accept manipulative and antisocial behavior. Real love gives and accepts correction and guidance. 🐝🦋
Such a fine line between authentic emotion and induced emotion, if indeed there is one. Clearly defining this line could create an emotional revolution in humanity. In my not so humble opinion..
In my personal opinion, that describes all the strategies and behaviors that all societies/nations/states are doing to all of us since we are born (chronical CPTSD). Mental illness, narcissism, codependency.... and general life unhappiness are just the result of that. The majority of us are born as unconscious slaves. Thank you Richard for sharing with us the words/tools to describe the feelings that sometimes we otherwise can't express and thus take action.
Spot on most of us have some version of C PTSD and are led astray from our true selves. These insidious bonds are not about genuine inter connected of two whole selves
Agree with both of you. The diabolical fact is that once you are aware of that, it's very hard to heal. If you want to heal, you have to learn by yourself new healty set of rules, while still playing the toxic ones that are necessary to survive among the others. According to my experience this lead to a veeeeeery long recovery time, if it's ever reached. Even if you try to "escape" from the world and live in peace by yourself, the toxic ones always find a way to reach you a take away your healty life, cause if they can't have it, you can not too. Happy recovery to everyone!
This is correct. Sam Vaknin already pointed that out in another video, matching with others in different view angle and wording -> see Lorenz, Fromm, Jung, Adorno.
Ugh I just ended something with someone who I really didn’t want to think would start to display narcissistic tactics … i ended it when he started bread-crumbing …… I’m just wondering if I did something to make him start breadcrumbing? But no … I can answer my own question. I knew the red flags were there from the moment it began. But just to throw a wrench in … I went to the (virtual) Jungian narcissism summit. It was amazing (but I’m biased as I’m a psychology nerd and a Carl Jung nerd … aside from the fact that my psyche needs healing … I’m also just genuinely excited by psychological concepts and philosophical concepts. Anyway I digress … ) In the jungian narcissism summit they talked a lot about how if you’re pointing your finger at the NARC in your life you’re probably ignoring an aspect of yourself that you’d rather not recognize. So when I’m faced with these romantic/sexual relationships where I end up on the receiving end of what I identify as Narcissistic behavior - I always look at the part that is on me. Like, did I have a narcissistic need that I was covertly trying to meet by projecting it onto the intimate partner? It’s probably the baby trauma I have … so it’s barely conscious … mostly physiological … probably around abandonment and having to be the emotional adult and having those expectations placed on me as a form of shaming by my own traumatized parents from babyhood sadly…. It actually makes me sad to think of it now. Oh good, I get to start grieving again now.
Don't be so hard on yourself I think I was picked as a prime target (apart from being A grade cocaine as Richard puts it) for being in a vulnerable state & having an anxious/avoidant attachment style due to my upbringing. I was cyberstalked by 'my' narc for nearly 2 years - it was living hell. Yes we need to look in the mirror & appraise how we got into the situations but just think we grew up with hardship & didn't turn into an A grade prick...no empathy for them whatsoever. Just to top it off I'm a mental health prof; he probs had a mighty laugh at supposedly bringing me down a peg or two. I was well versed in all this stuff & it still happened to me.
It's a problem to split the emotions into "authentic" and "induced", as in "inward" or "outward". The real distinction would be 1) emotions that are based on something that is real between you and your external reality and 2) emotions that are based on things that are only true between you and the narcissist, if you agree to them. Authenticity or any kind of inwardness is not a factor in this, but an illusion.
One of the best "enhanced" explanations, of love bombing, I've heard. Excellent material. The dual mothership model ; also hits home hard. Thank you R. Grannon!
So true ! I got my answer what I had been struggling to find. I never liked my narcissistic lover in first. I didn’t even feel attracted physically towards him. I never understood how come I landed being in love with him. That covert narcissist manipulated my emotions to bring me into his stupidity.
It's like the old bait and switch routine - your fooled into believing your being delivered something desirable/what you want but what you end up with is a cheap rip off, a contract from hell.
Thank you, Mr. Grannon. I've been learning so much from many channels. But this episode struck a chord others haven't. "My narcissist" actually literally did tell me explicitly what he was and what to expect. At the time I thought he was putting up a tough front, but that he'd finally settled on me and I was clearly special enough for him to change for. This was my thinking for 7 years even while he kept proudly flying his red flags ("You knew I was a womanizer when you met me.") Reflecting on this helps me realize I knew all along and it was my choice to carry on that way. And in the end, it was my choice to carry on forward in a different way. My appreciation for your work and the community.
this is also the reason why so many people get romance scammed online, per highly addictive shared fantasy , without even ever meeting the person in real life🤯😲
The way you break down the psychological framework from both sides is so insightful and so helpful. This explanation hit very close to home, as I'm sure it did with.. everyone. I had to admit that I was projecting my own fantasy of him being able to participate in a healthy and loving partnership, as well as recognizing my own codependency and savior/healing mother that I desired to be for him. Thank you.
Its been 3 years and just when I’m sorted and found a sense of me I find out again just how completely fooled and played I was . I knew it he just wouldn’t leave me alone . It wore me out to the point of illness but finally after many times he got completely cut off . It was painful it took family to finally make him leave me alone but geezus I got seriously ill after the aftershock took hold . I nearly died but I’m here still alive . Getting there . Nobody is worth that shite . No more .Richard saved my sanity . Ty
You used the term aftershock, which i had never used or thought about in in regard to narcissistic abuse, but it's 💯 exactly the right word ...... and even years after the worst of it was over, the ripple affect kept lapping up & over my mind set. The affect seems loooong after the immediate shockwaves. They seem oddly endless. It's uncanny how after months of no contact, marriages, jobs, moving I thought, "I guess that's over." Last time I thought that, I was surprised that I didn't perceive the usual melancholy within myself. I pondered it and sure enough I thought, "I'm free! No more rueful f*crked up fantom feelings. I'm really & truly free!" Almost like invisible ripples, he called inside of 24 hours!
This is so well said. I too became sick after the discard. I’m working on unraveling it all now and it’s been super eye opening. I’m on my way to healing now
I can understand the getting ill and almost dying. I have been through multiple such incidents. But since my family doesnt care and i have no support system at all, i kept getting sucked in due to his multiple calls/msgs/hoovering and my own loneliness. I hope i can get out now. Im trying, but even my trying lacks will, push(internal/external) and energy. Cannot explain this state where you know wat is right but you cant do it anyway, the internal resistance is crippling. it is difficult wthout a support system. His msgs showed concern, but the talk or behaviour showed no concern at all. How calculating and numbed out, lacking in values/ethics should a person be to write/say/promise something.. repeatedly.. but not behave accordingly.. and feel no guilt or cognitive dissonance within themselves. Means they are experienced fraudsters who are numbed out to the morality issues of their conduct who will say anything just to get what they want from you. Fool you into giving them what they want, but not fulfill their side, their promise. Its a kind of fraudulent stealing. It means that they really arent emotionally invested or interested in the well being of a fellow being who is their partner/friend/family etc.
I just went on a first date with someone who I now see is a narcissist. He is in recovery, which is fine, but encouraged me to have a few drinks even though I rarely drink as a personal preference. I clearly saw he wanted to erode my boundaries, get me talking, and even sleep with me. It did not work and I was offended bc I had already told him sex was off the table. After the date I called him out and said it was very disrespectful. He went absolutely nuts, sent me 5 multi paragraph texts denying, blame shifting, gaslighting and inadvertently validated my suspicions.
I was just thinking about this today! After a couple of these types of relationships I start to think my compass is broken. Now, when I like a guy, I immediately think “he must be REALLY fucked up!!!” 😂 …okay, I’m joking. Sort of. But -I can’t help but fear my picker is broken. Not all my former relationships were toxic, at all, in fact most were healthy and we’ve remained cordial (and I do realize the times I could’ve showed up better myself, too). However, that pattern of even the couple narcs that I was involved with is concerning to me. Now I think “is me being attracted a bad sign??” Haha *sigh* …Lord save me. I’m tired of being hurt. Liking somebody used to be fun and exciting, carefree. I could afford the rejection and if someone wasn’t compatible I said “oh well!” and made a friend instead or just moved on. Now, I’m just fearful. I didn’t see the dysfunction coming in my last connection and I stayed way too long after seeing incompatibility just blatantly overflowing in front of me. Maybe until I’m back at that place again, that place of inner peace no matter what direction the wind blows, I should just keep working on myself. Also funny, I used to think of my love life as a personified version of the doctor Seuss book “Are You My Mother?” Only replace the word mother with “Daddy” and there you go 😆… yeah I have daddy issues what can you do. My mom is a narcissist my dad wasn’t there. I mean, it’s a tale as old as time! So I definitely relate to the mother-contract analogy.
Omg! What a great reference to that book. My daughter loves reading that story at night. God help me if that’s a sign of what’s to come 👿 P.s. it’s actually written by P.D. Eastman but it’s from the same era and has similar illustrations as Dr Suess books so i got what you were saying. ❤️
@@kallyritter1006 goodness you are right! Same author of “Go, Dog. Go!” I really liked as a kid. I think I always remembered the cat in the hat image on it and cemented it as Dr.S.🤔 Thanks for letting me know though! I wouldn’t worry about your daughter, I think she’ll be okay! 😉💗 haha
Richard claimed that if you had CPTSD you have to be co-dependent. This didn't sit right with me and during an assessment for trauma and CPTSD I posed this question. You can have CPTSD and not be co-dependent.
The guy I was dating literally used alcohol as a means for me to drop my guard. He sold me a story about Mezcal farming and said we could be partners. I signed the contract for sure, not because of the Mezcal but because of the illusion of an adventurous partnership. It wasn't a long romance, it lasted about 4 months. I felt it somatically first. Something was off, I kept feeling a sense of impending doom. I began researching about it because I was left so utterly bewildered by the hot/ cold treatment amongst other text book behavior. It's like they follow the same modus operandi. It was an exhausting 4 months of my life and I thought it would be a clean break when I left him, but it was far from that. The words pernicious and insidious are exactly the words I used to describe the aftermath that has me gripped internally. I started the course yesterday. I'm looking forward to freeing myself from the illusionary prison of his and my making.
@@swissherbgirl2917 I trusted my gut. For the past 8 years, I've been working on myself. Lots of Wim Hoff , body and mind connection; lots of healing. I didn't expect this to happen when I was willingly vulnerable and open to Love. Don't get me wrong, I'm struggling with it because he lives in my mind. Also the behavior that he displayed seemed oddly familiar and that led me down a rabbit hole for sure- childhood memories and all. I'm humbled by this experience. I have so much to learn and understand. I'm taking it one step at a time.
I went through a similar relationship this year. Lasted 7 months, 6 months longer than it should. I should have acted immediately on the first sign and I didn't. Because I wanted to believe he wasn't like that. I wanted to believe he was everything he sold to me. Not a long relationship at all but I always felt there wasn't something right but I pushed through it, trying to get that 'high' again. That illusory man he portrayed in the beginning. He couldn't keep it up for long at all. He used pity tactics a lot to keep me around, and I played into it like a good little codependant. I take responsibility for the part I played in it. But since I broke up >3 months ago, it's still really hurting me. It's got a real hold on me. I'm not too pleased the bastard still has a degree of control over me, and I'm still allowing it.
Sounds like bait and switch. It's a pity that we are taught to approach love purely in an emotional way and to give up ourselves to melt with the other. Live and learn!
Try to RENEGOTIATE their behaviours/the contract and they will soon discard you. You no longer serve the function that you need to fulfill; to buy into the lies and confirm the divinity of their false self. Now you're a mirror, and being around you is painful/ unbearable
Thank you Richard. Actually, you helped me. I used to be in a narcissistic relationship for several years. Ended around 10 years ago. Only now i've accepted it for what it was. Consequences in all areas of life: work, family, friends, finances. Only now I've accepted it was a narcissistic relationship we're my lifeblood was literally being drained. Emotionally healed. Other things need to go Into place. Thank you.
My narc like ex tried to make me jealous time and time again. He told me all his other exes were jealous, and so I thought he was just checking. You know nothing bad just talking to female friends and looking for my reaction. It was a bit strange and somewhat cute. Then he told me you are not like any girl I have ever met before. We saw a couple counselor for a while, and after about 8 sessions she said to him: you are very childish. Up until that point he had wrapped her around his little finger. I laughed quite a bit afterwards. And then he upped his game. He would start flirting with other girls and towards the end of our relationship he told me he had forgotten to delete tinder, we had been together for 2 years at this point. I did not ask him to delete his profile. I asked him if he had had relationship to any of his female friends(i knew the truth) he yelled at me and called me jealous. I said to him: you are a terrible investment for me, you do realize that right? You inteoduce them to me, you have secrets with them about your sexual past. I expect loyalty, and I do want it to be the other way around. We should have secrets from them. He also used to ask them for relationship advice… mad me sick. He came back after having walked off his entitled anger, and had deleted tinder came clean about who of his friends he had had a crush on, and who he had slept with. I lost all respect for him. It was to late, to messy and too toxic. He was degrading me, telling me it was all my fault, he was very cruel. And just not solution oriented. It was like it was my job to make everything good at all time, and he himself always made good situations bad, and bad situations worse.Then we decided to break up. I was heartbroken, as all my dreams about our future were crushed. It was terrible, but every time I missed him I asked myself this: if he asked to come back, what would need to have changed? Do I believe that he is capable of that? Will I feel okey to let go of all that has happened? The true answer to these questions were no, no and no. Have self respect and move on. My ex micro stalked me after our breakup. So beware, and I still to this day do not know if he is a narcissist, but I did personal development after, and it helped me a lot in so many ways, let us say it like this: it made me a better person, manager, friend and girlfriend. Take the worst thing that happens to you and make it the best! And wether or not a person is a narcissist: I would say any abusive relationship or any relationship that leaves you with more scars then you can handle for any reason my best advice is. Do not communicate, find things to do, people to see that makes your life a bit better. For me that was yoga, walking a lot, reading books, travelled a bit to places I wanted to go and crying whenever I felt like it. And gradually all felt better. And no I did not go for the rebound, the revenge body or anything to compete or to give it to him. I had a few nice short mini encounters with other men that were lovely and gave me faith that good men are still out there :) It just sometimes messes with your head right when people say degrading things over and over to you, right?
Fascinating explanation! I had so many "Aha!" moments .. like an appetizer it got me interested for more, as it sheds light and dismantles the stress after years of confusion .. I love to listen to you Are you planning to come to Israel soon by any chance?
Quite illustrative of the narcissistic exchange. It's an uncharted area in one's psyche that is very hard to appear without the abuse of toxic and narcissistic people
Perfect explanation. I'm a survivor of npd aspd bpd ex girlfriend who left me. She had multimorbidities. I was codependent with narc traits and tendencies. Month 2 of No contact. I hope she gets to therapy and will have a wonderful Life even if without me I want her to be happy. I cry sometimes because I could not help her. But right now I am healing thank you Richard.
Since, discarded without a word I've been on a journey of trying to understand this monster only I could see & how to find myself again. Although I've found a couple other channels that helped, I still couldn't wrap my head around how one person who claimed to care could cause so much emotional confusion & pain. I came across a video of yours the other day & as I listened for the first time I think I'm getting what I went through. For example, I couldn't understand what 'supply' meant & what I had that offered that to him. But what I got from you was that narcissistic supply isn't really about me or anyone specific for that matter. Since a narcissistic person can't access their own emotions they need to induce them in others almost as though they can only regulate or hold a sense of being via another person's reactions. I would like to ask if you've done any videos on baiting? If not, would you consider doing one? Specifically on interpersonal romantic relationships where the non narcissistic partner is set up for failure & baited into a reaction leading to some sort of punishment, my ex boyfriend's favorite was the silent treatment. Thank you for your consideration & thank you for your brilliantly informative videos, bravo.
When u look back on what happened & know that alcohol & perhaps drugs played a part in the relationship & with all their other relationships it helps U to cope…it wasn’t all your fault as the Narc repeatedly told U…quite sad actually.
This is super intelligent! Incredibly eye opening. I wish I had listened to this episode a day before meeting my ex. Would have been perfect to shield myself! Thank you for this explanation!
Imagine my shock when I realized in the past year, at age 35, that literally all of the closest people to me, my parents, my sister, my brother and finally... my gf... are all narcissists. I always wondered why they never acted really calm and content like I do and I always wondered why there would be a change in me around "normal" people I would feel more relaxed. They always oscillate between these three: high, euphoria(which becomes more and more fleeting), depressed, stressed. There is no peace and contentment. And through these videos I identified which type each one is. Mother, father, sister grandiose extroverts, they are like on cocaine in group of people. Brother covert, very dangerous but I give him credit he controls it seems he is aware of it and is fighting it. Girlfriend is BPD which gives me hope since from what I understand this one can be "treated". Its really interesting how they act, its all instinctual because they aren't really in control of themselves, they have to keep managing that inner void, that suffering and this is why they are all so predictable, almost like addicts seeking their next fix. What a terrible way to live... At this point I see no other explanation but some sort of supernatural entity, demon, attached to them and is making them act this why because I know for a fact they all had trauma and dysfunctional life in their childhoods and I had reasonably good one... so how can I blame them? They are damaged and need to be healed. The fact that psychology has failed to resolve this despite so many years being aware of it, the ins and outs and why it happened but still nothing?? This is why I am convinced some kind of exorcism is needed I don't care what people think of that no normal person feels a void inside, we are of divine and only explanation is they have been cut of from it.
@@gooner173 Because I had freedom to go outside and play and my dad was working abroad or in another town most of the time, my mother also had a full time job plus they werent demanding at as to us staying home(which is when you thibk about it not really what a responsible parent would do but it was like this everywhere in the 90s children were out and about most of the time). Plus not all narcs are like people portrey them like pure evil, there are degress to this. But main characteristic is they are sad inside and are so easy to enter confrontations and arguments.
@MrFatuchi similar to my childhood. My father was very violent but also worked quite alot. Covert mother. We moved rural which was a lifesaver for me as I spent most of my time going around the place, left to run wild, riding horses, working odd jobs etc. Still had a terrible childhood but with some great times with my family to and got to see other families in action, functional and dysfunctional.
50 Shades Of Grey a “contract of consent” in order to subject a person to something they would otherwise not consent to. In my case after I became isolated I began to notice a change in his behaviour. Post Separation was where I uncovered the truth.
This seems a very convoluted way of saying narcs flatter and future fake to get you hooked. Not sure the whiteboard and the dual mother ship concept helps me at all.
The essence of future faking. To change your thinking towards anticipated gratification - making you busy in doing - distracting you from being - impairing you from becoming - you as introject shall not change in reality.
@@MrBenjaminkruegereu "You shall not change in reality" is key. Vaknin describes how the narc takes a "snapshot" at the onset/ establishment of the "relationship" who cannot change
This is exactly how I got plugged into a narcisistic work relationship. Fascinating and I wondered how the fuck did he get me to forget everything about myself? Well, now I know. He told me early on: Dont thank me, I am not a good guy. I thought he was pathetic and I saw what he was doing but I still fell for it.
I'm a bit perplexed as 'my' narc was my cyberstalker so initially I signed no mutual contract it was forced upon me yet the trauma bonding etc still applies. This took place over a period of 2 years; it altered my perception of reality completely. I'd be grateful if anyone could provide any insight. Dunno what fantasy I was signing up for if not to say the real world was also a problem for me at the time - maybe that's the issue.
My husband to a t. Never come across this before so must have been like taking candy from a baby. Hence i signed a marriage contract. I realise now and have learnt so much. Time to unpick and heal.
Thank you Richard for this clear explanation ! I subscribed for your program, very curious if it’s going to work … I definitely need to take action. When I look at your videos and those of Sam Vaknin (translated in this video as Sam Backman … never heard this one before 😄) all the pieces of the puzzle where put together. I suddenly realized what was happening to me ! Thank you for that 🙏
So would your ex, of a decade long relationship loyl, saying you are the one & I will finish my current relationship then ask to borrow money from you. Then keep you waiting around over a week now for the next move.......(looks like the other relationship might be over, but poor communication & strange body language makes me question the validity of everything)...
This is helpful, something weird is going on atm. I can't talk about it here that would be pointless but I wish I knew someone I could explore this with so I could be sure that I'm not shirking accountability and just projecting but ny instinct is telling me I'm deeply uncomfortable. And I can't tell if that's because I'm not accepting fair criticism or I'm dealing with toxicity.
I've noticed that my partner never liked sober sex .. we always had to smoke a bunch of weed and the drinking would bring out the freakiness .. after that nothing consistent. It wasn't too noticeable in the beginning because I'm naturally lovable with or without the extras. After a while I found my self having sex with someone who's past out while I have to resort to porn just to finish .. it's shameful , wicked. And not ok
Keeping your victims with a fresh drink is like an oral pacifier or a false wholeness ante in to the social contract which keeps them in denial, passive, not investigating and antagonizing what is happening with a negative perspective or a more realistic take on human nature. Narcs want you in obedient child mode, not in police mode. The emotional cocktail is push pull, he loves me, loves me not. It's Red Bull & vodka. lol Emotional artifacts...? yup.. it's the narc knows from internal experience that emotion generates thought & vice versa.. thus they sell pathos oriented speak, guilty conscience xsfer judgmentalism, & scandal sheet trash talk to generate thought in the mind of someone who cares, accepts fate and gives meaning or their truth to that emotion which the narc sold them. So the narc gets something for nothing. They sell emotion to you and you who care, the empaths reaches solid judgment and acts on that emotion.
Expectations can be a big source of pain and stress in relationships if they are not realistic and reasonable. When it comes to relationships involving narcissists, this is even more true. Covert contracts are called "covert" because they are secret. They are agreements and rules we are expecting the other person to agree to - and follow - without ever telling them about it. When they don't, we feel betrayed and hurt. We assume that they should just know and when they don't fulfill what we believe is their end of the bargain, we assume they did it on purpose, either to hurt us or because we aren't worth it. This is why expectations need to be reasonable, clear and based in reality. Has this person demonstrated in any way that this is the kind of person they are, or that they have the capability and desire to do any of these things that you are requiring? When we create these contracts or rules in our minds, we are basing them on what we think is fair, and what we think is reasonable. We are not really considering what is going on with the other person, or whether they think the same way we do. We are simply assuming that everyone is on the same page. But as you know, that is not always the case at all - especially when you are dealing with narcissists. The covert contracts you enter into with pathologically narcissistic people are often extremely unreasonable. They involve things that most people would probably never agree to if they were communicated out loud. Things like unquestioning acceptance of their stories, no matter how far-fetched; unwavering support even when they are wrong or being unfair, unconditional acceptance of their behavior no matter how terrible, never ending the relationship or abandoning them no matter what happens, working constantly to fix their fractured self-worth, taking responsibility for all of their mistakes, problems and behaviors, never disappointing them and many other things that are ridiculously unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic. The problem with this, as with all covert contracts, is that people don't know that this is what is required and in this case, would not agree to it if they did know because these things are impossible to do. Narcissists by and large are probably unable to communicate these things. They are often completely disconnected from their feelings and their needs. Like a child, they cannot articulate what they need. They can only react when they don't get it. When you attempt to interpret a narcissist's needs back to them for clarity based on their behavior, they will often deny this is what they are asking for, even though their reactions clearly prove that it is. For example, if the narcissist throws a tantrum every time you try to do something and you say, "So are you saying that you don't want me to do this," they often say that is not what they want - even though it very obviously is. Their words contradict their behavior and as a result, the other person in the relationship does not understand what they want and cannot even attempt to give it to them. This inability to communicate what they want or how they feel creates a situation where they can never get what they want because no one knows what it is. This is destructive to relationships of any kind and especially in narcissistic relationships, because the other person gets tired of the guessing games and of the narcissist's inability to simply say what they feel or ask for what they want. They get tired of the contradictions. They get tired of being punished for not following all of these unspoken rules. They get tired of never being told how to get things right and therefore always being wrong. The narcissist gets tired of it, too. They get tired of no one giving them what they need, of no one knowing what that is, of everyone always disappointing them and of feeling like there are unfair expectations placed on them where they are being forced to give things to others that they don't have, can't give or don't want to give. It is a disappointing, unfulfilling relationship for everyone involved. Covert contracts can destroy relationships, especially because in narcissistic relationships, what you have apparently agreed to are things you can't even do. This is why boundaries are so important. Boundaries are the clear communication of what you expect. This is the only way to be sure that your needs and desires are known. If you never tell someone what you expect, they will always disappoint you. And if what you expect pushes them away - or what they expect pushes you away, it's good to find that out because this would not be a good fit in the end anyway. Not everyone can give you what you want out of a relationship and it really is best to understand that. If, after you've clearly communicated what you need or expect, the person still chooses not to give it to you, you have a decision to make about whether you want this person in your life. It's not easy, but it's really the only choice because there is no way to have a healthy or fair relationship with an unhealthy, unfair person. We cannot force others to do what we want. We cannot make them act the way that we want them to act. The only thing we can do is choose whether we want them in our lives. Luckily, that's all the power we need. If someone has chosen to live with a narcissist, or find themselves stuck in a situation for the time being, you must remember that nothing you do will control the narcissist's behavior or make them stop being abusive. There are things you can do to help save your sanity but they will not control or change the narcissist. They will not stop escalation or violent behavior if the narcissist chooses to react that way. Nothing can do that. The only way to stop the abuse is to end your association with this person. But to help save you some sanity you must accept the reality of the situation. Let go of the fantasy & accept that nothing will fix the relationship Stop trying to change the narcissist & accept who/how they really are. Stop projecting your feelings onto the narcissist & accept how they really feel and accept the situation. Most of the pain involved in these relationships is due to someone's unwillingness to do this. It hurts and it's hard to hear, but the truth is that most people will not change just because someone else wants them to be different. Some of them can't. If you want to get through this with any sanity left, you have to accept this reality. This means letting go of the fantasy that this relationship will somehow become what you want it to be and dealing with the reality of it, regardless of what the narcissist says. You've probably been around the block with this enough times by now to know that it isn't going to be different, whether they promise that or not. It means not trying to change the narcissist and accepting who and how they really are. It means not projecting your feelings onto the narcissist and letting their actions speak for themselves. They do. This person either cannot or will not be what you want them to be. Part of living with it without being destroyed is understanding and accepting that.
Understand that no expectations will be met consistently, if at all. Create realistic ones that reflect how this person really behaves and feels. Understand your role in the narcissist's life; you're not a sovereign person A lot of the pain involved in these relationships is also due to unrealistic expectations placed on the narcissist or the relationship. This doesn't mean your expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic in general-especially if they're normal things like respect and consideration- it just means this person is not going to meet them with any consistency, no matter how basic they are. Let the person's actions speak for themselves and base your expectations on that, rather than what you think they should do. For example, if you are expecting loyalty even though you've never gotten it from your partner, you need to realize that is unrealistic. If you are expecting comfort from a parent who has never given it to you, you need to realize that's unrealistic. It doesn't mean what you want is wrong. It means the person you are expecting it from has already demonstrated they will not give it to you, so you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. Expectations need to be created that reflect how this person really behaves and how they really feel. You can't get blood from a stone and there's nothing you can do to change that. It's important to understand the dynamics of the relationship and your role in it. When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are not considered a sovereign person by them and will not be treated as one. Changing your expectations of the person and the relationship to reflect how things really are will go a long way toward creating some peace for you. Stop taking It personally and Internalize that the narcissist's behavior is about them, not you Understand that the narcissist doesn't even really know you. Realize narcissists live in a fantasy; they need to believe, say or do these things. This is one of the hardest things to do in any relationship, but especially when someone can be so deliberately cruel and horrible. However, it's necessary if you want to survive. It's also the reality. The truth is, the narcissist's behavior is not about you. It's about them. If you pay attention, you'll see that, in all likelihood, this person doesn't even know you. You're just a tool for them to use in their never-ending quest to make themselves feel better. Everybody is, no matter what the narcissist says. It really is about nothing and no one else but them. You think it's about you because it hurts you, but that isn't the reality. You don't exist as a sovereign person to pathologically narcissistic people, which means that in the end, nothing can ever truly be about you at all. That's why it isn't and never will be. Narcissistic people live in a fantasy world and because of that, they need to say or do or believe these things. But you don't have to live in the same fantasy world, so don't. It's not about you. It's about them, just like everything else. Pick your battles, decide if it's worth it, Decide if it's necessary, Decide if it'll change anything. Living with narcissistic people is like being at war. And like being at war, you need to learn to pick your battles. If you don't, everything can become a battle because this is the kind of person you're dealing with. They can be passive-aggressive, overtly aggressive, sarcastic, mean, nasty, unpleasant, irritable, rude, inconsiderate, and much more. You have to decide what is really worth your time to engage with. Every snotty little comment and nasty little look is not worth the argument. It's not worth your time, and it certainly won't help anything. Learn to pick your battles and let the rest go.This seems unfair to some, but if you're living with a narcissist, it's never going to be fair, so it's time to accept that and learn to work with it. Picking your battles can save your sanity. If the situation is not important, don't bother. This actually protects your energy and your sanity at the same time. For example, battles about finances might need to be had. Battles about the mean thing they said under their breath at breakfast might not. Picking your battles also includes not arguing with them when they try to start with you. You have to decide if a battle is necessary, if it's worth it, and if it'll change anything. Remember that you cannot control this person's behavior or make them stop acting this way. All you can do is control yourself. Learn not to take the bait. It becomes a lot easier when you have accepted the situation, changed your expectations, and are no longer taking it personally. Learn to validate and care for yourself. Stop relying on the narcissist to validate your experiences or feelings. Stop giving the narcissist the power to decide your worth Stop relying on the narcissist for companionship or love. Perhaps the hardest thing about dealing with narcissistic people is the fact that though you have a relationship of some kind, you really are alone in it. However, you can learn to validate and care for yourself. This is probably the most important lesson narcissists can teach us. Learning to do these things for yourself means you need to stop relying on the narcissist to validate your experiences and your feelings. Stop trying to convince an abuser to agree with you that they are an abuser; it's unlikely that they're going to ever do that in any real way. You don't need them to agree with or validate your experiences and your feelings. You can learn to do that for yourself. It means you need to stop giving narcissists the power to decide your worth. Your worth is not determined by what they think of you or how they treat you. No one's worth is determined by how anybody thinks of them or how anybody treats them, but least of all a narcissist. They don't even live in reality. They don't even know themselves, let alone someone else. Learn to see your own worth, and stop giving this power to others. It's too much power for anyone to have in your life and is unhealthy. Many times, the reason people stay in these relationships is that they have become obsessed with proving to the other person that they are worth loving and treating decently. The person you need to prove that to is you, not them. That's who really needs to see it. Learning to validate and care for yourself also means not relying on the narcissist to love, support or consider you. You've got to learn to love yourself, support yourself and consider yourself. No one else can do it for you and a narcissist certainly won't. They can't do it for themselves either. That's what they need you for. Living with narcissists is an exhausting, painful, and ultimately unsatisfying experience where no one ever gets what they want or what they need. These relationships-whether they be family, romantic, or any other kind-are brutal and damaging. But if you are going to live with a narcissist, learning to do these things can at least save your sanity if nothing else. Remember too, that none of these things excuses their behavior or renders them somehow not responsible for things they've done. They are only to keep you from being destroyed.
would it be possible to provide a transcript of this video? It would make it much easier for us non-native speakers to translate this important information into our mother tongues. Thanx in advance!!!! Narcissism is international - therefore, please make transcripts available fo us non-Brits in need ;))))
Th🙏nku Richard. ~ Eye opening food for thought whenst stuck in a crazy making diad. V helpful insights n breakthroughs. I am v greatful fir your fierce but kind approach to this tricky terrain 🙏
I m grieving the loss of my 20 yr old friendship with a narcissist....I broke the contract because she refused to pay me for helping her cleaning up after a flood in my town.I think the fact that money is like a contract might work,but either way I'm hiddng away in India waiting for time to change...Yr Chanel is my therapy...thanks.
Existence always comes first. Then comes knowledge, either true or false. That knowledge leads to desires, feelings, choices and actions. There are no emotions per se, but emotions are always about some true or false knowledge. This is why an authentic emotion is a contradiction in terms. A narcissist does not impose emotions per se, but false information that causes the emotions.
So we get 'tricked to drink the cocktail. But the symbiotic parasitic relationship within the matrix were each person is acting out mother sounds quite comforting if you were into that Stockholm slow brainwashing thing. It still makes me feel while drinking the Kool-aid I play a role in my own demise.
Wow, the ENT I work for, he insists I work a 10 to 11hr day, and can only have a lunch time if I can guarantee cell phone coverage (impossible), so I can't move out of his control.....underpaid too - I'm out of there as soon as I can!!
Hi Richard you said on locals you can't run but you can fight I hate to tell you I can do both 💃💃😈😈 joking loved your banter with the triggernometry boys and laughter soothes the soul 😊
Just 2 hours ago i found out that i have been tangled up in a narcissists web for the last 2 years. So far it hasnt been pleasant and has had some very negative emotions that i dont think will subside soon. These videos are definitely helping me right now. It wasnt my fault but its a hard pill to swallow. im recollecting her past behaviours and now i feel like such fool for sticking by her for so long. She was completely open about who she was and didnt hide it at all. Now i have to try and live in this house (that i recently bought) and have constant reminders of her being in my house and the good times and memories we shared :( i could never have imagined that things would end as badly as they did. The last 24 hours has been the perfect storm of pain and coincidence. This is gonna be a hard one for me to get through.
You have very succinctly described what happened for me a little over 2 years ago. I signed up yesterday to “Unplug from the Matrix of Narcissism” as I intend to discover what the hell happened to me in the relationship that ended traumatically 2 weeks ago. I feel disassembled and hollowed out in a way that doesn’t reflect having a broken heart. I look forward to learning why I let it happen.
Thankyou , Richard. It's so easy listening to you talk us thru this maze of narcissism recovery.. You have helped so many of us just understand how easy it was to fall into the trap..but also how , with the right tools, it is to spot their tricks and let them go with a smile on our face and not treats for years..bless you my God man🙏❣️
Thank you for explaining the difference between narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. Also, the dual mothership model is interesting. I’ve been told that kind of relationship is true love. It’s really not though. A person who truly loves cares for the well-being of the other and does not accept manipulative and antisocial behavior. Real love gives and accepts correction and guidance. 🐝🦋
Such a fine line between authentic emotion and induced emotion, if indeed there is one.
Clearly defining this line could create an emotional revolution in humanity. In my not so humble opinion..
Is eliminating self deception possible where the bourder between perception and illusion is never clear if honest evaluation is employed.
In my personal opinion, that describes all the strategies and behaviors that all societies/nations/states are doing to all of us since we are born (chronical CPTSD). Mental illness, narcissism, codependency.... and general life unhappiness are just the result of that. The majority of us are born as unconscious slaves.
Thank you Richard for sharing with us the words/tools to describe the feelings that sometimes we otherwise can't express and thus take action.
Spot on most of us have some version of C PTSD and are led astray from our true selves. These insidious bonds are not about genuine inter connected of two whole selves
Agree with both of you.
The diabolical fact is that once you are aware of that, it's very hard to heal.
If you want to heal, you have to learn by yourself new healty set of rules, while still playing the toxic ones that are necessary to survive among the others. According to my experience this lead to a veeeeeery long recovery time, if it's ever reached. Even if you try to "escape" from the world and live in peace by yourself, the toxic ones always find a way to reach you a take away your healty life, cause if they can't have it, you can not too.
Happy recovery to everyone!
A. A a
This is correct. Sam Vaknin already pointed that out in another video, matching with others in different view angle and wording -> see Lorenz, Fromm, Jung, Adorno.
@@MrBenjaminkruegereu thanks, will watch it!
Ugh I just ended something with someone who I really didn’t want to think would start to display narcissistic tactics … i ended it when he started bread-crumbing ……
I’m just wondering if I did something to make him start breadcrumbing? But no … I can answer my own question. I knew the red flags were there from the moment it began.
But just to throw a wrench in … I went to the (virtual) Jungian narcissism summit. It was amazing (but I’m biased as I’m a psychology nerd and a Carl Jung nerd … aside from the fact that my psyche needs healing … I’m also just genuinely excited by psychological concepts and philosophical concepts. Anyway I digress … ) In the jungian narcissism summit they talked a lot about how if you’re pointing your finger at the NARC in your life you’re probably ignoring an aspect of yourself that you’d rather not recognize. So when I’m faced with these romantic/sexual relationships where I end up on the receiving end of what I identify as Narcissistic behavior - I always look at the part that is on me. Like, did I have a narcissistic need that I was covertly trying to meet by projecting it onto the intimate partner? It’s probably the baby trauma I have … so it’s barely conscious … mostly physiological … probably around abandonment and having to be the emotional adult and having those expectations placed on me as a form of shaming by my own traumatized
parents from babyhood sadly…. It actually makes me sad to think of it now. Oh good, I get to start grieving again now.
Don't be so hard on yourself I think I was picked as a prime target (apart from being A grade cocaine as Richard puts it) for being in a vulnerable state & having an anxious/avoidant attachment style due to my upbringing. I was cyberstalked by 'my' narc for nearly 2 years - it was living hell. Yes we need to look in the mirror & appraise how we got into the situations but just think we grew up with hardship & didn't turn into an A grade prick...no empathy for them whatsoever. Just to top it off I'm a mental health prof; he probs had a mighty laugh at supposedly bringing me down a peg or two. I was well versed in all this stuff & it still happened to me.
It's a problem to split the emotions into "authentic" and "induced", as in "inward" or "outward". The real distinction would be 1) emotions that are based on something that is real between you and your external reality and 2) emotions that are based on things that are only true between you and the narcissist, if you agree to them. Authenticity or any kind of inwardness is not a factor in this, but an illusion.
This is why I'm single and sober now. You hit the nail on the head!
Meeee too.... My pickers been broken for 30 years 🤣
@@GaelicStorm1 boy do I hear that! Glad I'm not the only one;)
like wise well done stay connected to self
Yassss
😊.
One of the best "enhanced" explanations, of love bombing, I've heard. Excellent material. The dual mothership model ; also hits home hard. Thank you R. Grannon!
Yes!
So true ! I got my answer what I had been struggling to find. I never liked my narcissistic lover in first. I didn’t even feel attracted physically towards him. I never understood how come I landed being in love with him. That covert narcissist manipulated my emotions to bring me into his stupidity.
This 💯
It's like the old bait and switch routine - your fooled into believing your being delivered something desirable/what you want but what you end up with is a cheap rip off, a contract from hell.
I wish I came across this info a few years sooner but never too late to unplug from the matrix
Thank you, Mr. Grannon. I've been learning so much from many channels. But this episode struck a chord others haven't. "My narcissist" actually literally did tell me explicitly what he was and what to expect. At the time I thought he was putting up a tough front, but that he'd finally settled on me and I was clearly special enough for him to change for. This was my thinking for 7 years even while he kept proudly flying his red flags ("You knew I was a womanizer when you met me.") Reflecting on this helps me realize I knew all along and it was my choice to carry on that way. And in the end, it was my choice to carry on forward in a different way. My appreciation for your work and the community.
Never listen to a narcissist, watch the persons actions. Actions over words
this is also the reason why so many people get romance scammed online, per highly addictive shared fantasy , without even ever meeting the person in real life🤯😲
The way you break down the psychological framework from both sides is so insightful and so helpful. This explanation hit very close to home, as I'm sure it did with.. everyone. I had to admit that I was projecting my own fantasy of him being able to participate in a healthy and loving partnership, as well as recognizing my own codependency and savior/healing mother that I desired to be for him. Thank you.
Its been 3 years and just when I’m sorted and found a sense of me I find out again just how completely fooled and played I was . I knew it he just wouldn’t leave me alone . It wore me out to the point of illness but finally after many times he got completely cut off . It was painful it took family to finally make him leave me alone but geezus I got seriously ill after the aftershock took hold . I nearly died but I’m here still alive . Getting there . Nobody is worth that shite . No more .Richard saved my sanity . Ty
You used the term aftershock, which i had never used or thought about in in regard to narcissistic abuse, but it's 💯 exactly the right word
...... and even years after the worst of it was over, the ripple affect kept lapping up & over my mind set. The affect seems loooong after the immediate shockwaves. They seem oddly endless. It's uncanny how after months of no contact, marriages, jobs, moving I thought, "I guess that's over." Last time I thought that, I was surprised that I didn't perceive the usual melancholy within myself. I pondered it and sure enough I thought, "I'm free! No more rueful f*crked up fantom feelings. I'm really & truly free!"
Almost like invisible ripples, he called inside of 24 hours!
This is so well said. I too became sick after the discard. I’m working on unraveling it all now and it’s been super eye opening. I’m on my way to healing now
I can understand the getting ill and almost dying. I have been through multiple such incidents. But since my family doesnt care and i have no support system at all, i kept getting sucked in due to his multiple calls/msgs/hoovering and my own loneliness. I hope i can get out now. Im trying, but even my trying lacks will, push(internal/external) and energy. Cannot explain this state where you know wat is right but you cant do it anyway, the internal resistance is crippling. it is difficult wthout a support system. His msgs showed concern, but the talk or behaviour showed no concern at all. How calculating and numbed out, lacking in values/ethics should a person be to write/say/promise something.. repeatedly.. but not behave accordingly.. and feel no guilt or cognitive dissonance within themselves. Means they are experienced fraudsters who are numbed out to the morality issues of their conduct who will say anything just to get what they want from you. Fool you into giving them what they want, but not fulfill their side, their promise. Its a kind of fraudulent stealing. It means that they really arent emotionally invested or interested in the well being of a fellow being who is their partner/friend/family etc.
I just went on a first date with someone who I now see is a narcissist. He is in recovery, which is fine, but encouraged me to have a few drinks even though I rarely drink as a personal preference. I clearly saw he wanted to erode my boundaries, get me talking, and even sleep with me. It did not work and I was offended bc I had already told him sex was off the table. After the date I called him out and said it was very disrespectful. He went absolutely nuts, sent me 5 multi paragraph texts denying, blame shifting, gaslighting and inadvertently validated my suspicions.
I was just thinking about this today! After a couple of these types of relationships I start to think my compass is broken. Now, when I like a guy, I immediately think “he must be REALLY fucked up!!!” 😂 …okay, I’m joking. Sort of. But -I can’t help but fear my picker is broken. Not all my former relationships were toxic, at all, in fact most were healthy and we’ve remained cordial (and I do realize the times I could’ve showed up better myself, too). However, that pattern of even the couple narcs that I was involved with is concerning to me. Now I think “is me being attracted a bad sign??” Haha *sigh* …Lord save me. I’m tired of being hurt. Liking somebody used to be fun and exciting, carefree. I could afford the rejection and if someone wasn’t compatible I said “oh well!” and made a friend instead or just moved on. Now, I’m just fearful. I didn’t see the dysfunction coming in my last connection and I stayed way too long after seeing incompatibility just blatantly overflowing in front of me. Maybe until I’m back at that place again, that place of inner peace no matter what direction the wind blows, I should just keep working on myself. Also funny, I used to think of my love life as a personified version of the doctor Seuss book “Are You My Mother?” Only replace the word mother with “Daddy” and there you go 😆… yeah I have daddy issues what can you do. My mom is a narcissist my dad wasn’t there. I mean, it’s a tale as old as time! So I definitely relate to the mother-contract analogy.
Omg! What a great reference to that book. My daughter loves reading that story at night. God help me if that’s a sign of what’s to come 👿
P.s. it’s actually written by P.D. Eastman but it’s from the same era and has similar illustrations as Dr Suess books so i got what you were saying. ❤️
@@kallyritter1006 goodness you are right! Same author of “Go, Dog. Go!” I really liked as a kid. I think I always remembered the cat in the hat image on it and cemented it as Dr.S.🤔 Thanks for letting me know though!
I wouldn’t worry about your daughter, I think she’ll be okay! 😉💗 haha
Richard claimed that if you had CPTSD you have to be co-dependent. This didn't sit right with me and during an assessment for trauma and CPTSD I posed this question. You can have CPTSD and not be co-dependent.
Wow- this is profound...and makes you really see the evil with both eyes
I am so grateful for your videos Rick. 6-7 years ago nobody talked about this.
The guy I was dating literally used alcohol as a means for me to drop my guard. He sold me a story about Mezcal farming and said we could be partners. I signed the contract for sure, not because of the Mezcal but because of the illusion of an adventurous partnership. It wasn't a long romance, it lasted about 4 months. I felt it somatically first. Something was off, I kept feeling a sense of impending doom. I began researching about it because I was left so utterly bewildered by the hot/ cold treatment amongst other text book behavior. It's like they follow the same modus operandi. It was an exhausting 4 months of my life and I thought it would be a clean break when I left him, but it was far from that. The words pernicious and insidious are exactly the words I used to describe the aftermath that has me gripped internally. I started the course yesterday. I'm looking forward to freeing myself from the illusionary prison of his and my making.
Pretty sure we dated the same guy. Mezcal was also used… 😂
@@kallyritter1006 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
But I am impressed how clear you can see through this. And only 4 month.
That is when most of us are still in a romantic cloud
@@swissherbgirl2917 I trusted my gut. For the past 8 years, I've been working on myself. Lots of Wim Hoff , body and mind connection; lots of healing. I didn't expect this to happen when I was willingly vulnerable and open to Love. Don't get me wrong, I'm struggling with it because he lives in my mind. Also the behavior that he displayed seemed oddly familiar and that led me down a rabbit hole for sure- childhood memories and all. I'm humbled by this experience. I have so much to learn and understand. I'm taking it one step at a time.
I went through a similar relationship this year. Lasted 7 months, 6 months longer than it should. I should have acted immediately on the first sign and I didn't. Because I wanted to believe he wasn't like that. I wanted to believe he was everything he sold to me. Not a long relationship at all but I always felt there wasn't something right but I pushed through it, trying to get that 'high' again. That illusory man he portrayed in the beginning. He couldn't keep it up for long at all. He used pity tactics a lot to keep me around, and I played into it like a good little codependant. I take responsibility for the part I played in it. But since I broke up >3 months ago, it's still really hurting me. It's got a real hold on me. I'm not too pleased the bastard still has a degree of control over me, and I'm still allowing it.
What's worse. He did write a contract, then left anyway. There is nothing you can do to keep them happy. Thank you for reminding me to stay sober.
Sounds like bait and switch. It's a pity that we are taught to approach love purely in an emotional way and to give up ourselves to melt with the other. Live and learn!
Try to RENEGOTIATE their behaviours/the contract and they will soon discard you. You no longer serve the function that you need to fulfill; to buy into the lies and confirm the divinity of their false self.
Now you're a mirror, and being around you is painful/ unbearable
Yes. The more you ground them, the sooner you'll be rejected.
Boy, did a lightbulb go on in my head when you spoke that lovebombing could happen in the workplace, too. 💡🤯
Same here.
Thank you Richard. Actually, you helped me. I used to be in a narcissistic relationship for several years. Ended around 10 years ago. Only now i've accepted it for what it was. Consequences in all areas of life: work, family, friends, finances. Only now I've accepted it was a narcissistic relationship we're my lifeblood was literally being drained. Emotionally healed. Other things need to go Into place. Thank you.
My narc like ex tried to make me jealous time and time again. He told me all his other exes were jealous, and so I thought he was just checking. You know nothing bad just talking to female friends and looking for my reaction. It was a bit strange and somewhat cute. Then he told me you are not like any girl I have ever met before. We saw a couple counselor for a while, and after about 8 sessions she said to him: you are very childish. Up until that point he had wrapped her around his little finger. I laughed quite a bit afterwards.
And then he upped his game. He would start flirting with other girls and towards the end of our relationship he told me he had forgotten to delete tinder, we had been together for 2 years at this point. I did not ask him to delete his profile. I asked him if he had had relationship to any of his female friends(i knew the truth) he yelled at me and called me jealous. I said to him: you are a terrible investment for me, you do realize that right? You inteoduce them to me, you have secrets with them about your sexual past. I expect loyalty, and I do want it to be the other way around. We should have secrets from them. He also used to ask them for relationship advice… mad me sick. He came back after having walked off his entitled anger, and had deleted tinder came clean about who of his friends he had had a crush on, and who he had slept with. I lost all respect for him. It was to late, to messy and too toxic.
He was degrading me, telling me it was all my fault, he was very cruel. And just not solution oriented. It was like it was my job to make everything good at all time, and he himself always made good situations bad, and bad situations worse.Then we decided to break up. I was heartbroken, as all my dreams about our future were crushed. It was terrible, but every time I missed him I asked myself this: if he asked to come back, what would need to have changed? Do I believe that he is capable of that? Will I feel okey to let go of all that has happened? The true answer to these questions were no, no and no. Have self respect and move on. My ex micro stalked me after our breakup. So beware, and I still to this day do not know if he is a narcissist, but I did personal development after, and it helped me a lot in so many ways, let us say it like this: it made me a better person, manager, friend and girlfriend. Take the worst thing that happens to you and make it the best! And wether or not a person is a narcissist: I would say any abusive relationship or any relationship that leaves you with more scars then you can handle for any reason my best advice is. Do not communicate, find things to do, people to see that makes your life a bit better. For me that was yoga, walking a lot, reading books, travelled a bit to places I wanted to go and crying whenever I felt like it. And gradually all felt better. And no I did not go for the rebound, the revenge body or anything to compete or to give it to him. I had a few nice short mini encounters with other men that were lovely and gave me faith that good men are still out there :) It just sometimes messes with your head right when people say degrading things over and over to you, right?
My compliments Sir. That just hit home so hard I actually feel nauseous.
And you put version of events… this one really resonates with me…twisted conversations we have had…so strange and confusing.
Fascinating explanation! I had so many "Aha!" moments .. like an appetizer it got me interested for more, as it sheds light and dismantles the stress after years of confusion .. I love to listen to you
Are you planning to come to Israel soon by any chance?
I feel like such an idiot and got played hard. Really gives you trust issues!!
Quite illustrative of the narcissistic exchange. It's an uncharted area in one's psyche that is very hard to appear without the abuse of toxic and narcissistic people
Perfect explanation. I'm a survivor of npd aspd bpd ex girlfriend who left me. She had multimorbidities. I was codependent with narc traits and tendencies. Month 2 of No contact. I hope she gets to therapy and will have a wonderful Life even if without me I want her to be happy. I cry sometimes because I could not help her. But right now I am healing thank you Richard.
Since, discarded without a word I've been on a journey of trying to understand this monster only I could see & how to find myself again. Although I've found a couple other channels that helped, I still couldn't wrap my head around how one person who claimed to care could cause so much emotional confusion & pain. I came across a video of yours the other day & as I listened for the first time I think I'm getting what I went through. For example, I couldn't understand what 'supply' meant & what I had that offered that to him. But what I got from you was that narcissistic supply isn't really about me or anyone specific for that matter. Since a narcissistic person can't access their own emotions they need to induce them in others almost as though they can only regulate or hold a sense of being via another person's reactions. I would like to ask if you've done any videos on baiting? If not, would you consider doing one? Specifically on interpersonal romantic relationships where the non narcissistic partner is set up for failure & baited into a reaction leading to some sort of punishment, my ex boyfriend's favorite was the silent treatment. Thank you for your consideration & thank you for your brilliantly informative videos, bravo.
When u look back on what happened & know that alcohol & perhaps drugs played a part in the relationship & with all their other relationships it helps U to cope…it wasn’t all your fault as the Narc repeatedly told U…quite sad actually.
100 %. I forgive myself.
Fantasy that amounted to nothing
This is super intelligent! Incredibly eye opening. I wish I had listened to this episode a day before meeting my ex. Would have been perfect to shield myself! Thank you for this explanation!
Amazing presentation.
Now I get it.
Thank you.
Imagine my shock when I realized in the past year, at age 35, that literally all of the closest people to me, my parents, my sister, my brother and finally... my gf... are all narcissists. I always wondered why they never acted really calm and content like I do and I always wondered why there would be a change in me around "normal" people I would feel more relaxed. They always oscillate between these three: high, euphoria(which becomes more and more fleeting), depressed, stressed. There is no peace and contentment. And through these videos I identified which type each one is. Mother, father, sister grandiose extroverts, they are like on cocaine in group of people. Brother covert, very dangerous but I give him credit he controls it seems he is aware of it and is fighting it. Girlfriend is BPD which gives me hope since from what I understand this one can be "treated". Its really interesting how they act, its all instinctual because they aren't really in control of themselves, they have to keep managing that inner void, that suffering and this is why they are all so predictable, almost like addicts seeking their next fix. What a terrible way to live... At this point I see no other explanation but some sort of supernatural entity, demon, attached to them and is making them act this why because I know for a fact they all had trauma and dysfunctional life in their childhoods and I had reasonably good one... so how can I blame them? They are damaged and need to be healed. The fact that psychology has failed to resolve this despite so many years being aware of it, the ins and outs and why it happened but still nothing?? This is why I am convinced some kind of exorcism is needed I don't care what people think of that no normal person feels a void inside, we are of divine and only explanation is they have been cut of from it.
How did you have a reasonably good childhood if you were brought up by narcissists?
@@gooner173 Because I had freedom to go outside and play and my dad was working abroad or in another town most of the time, my mother also had a full time job plus they werent demanding at as to us staying home(which is when you thibk about it not really what a responsible parent would do but it was like this everywhere in the 90s children were out and about most of the time). Plus not all narcs are like people portrey them like pure evil, there are degress to this. But main characteristic is they are sad inside and are so easy to enter confrontations and arguments.
@MrFatuchi similar to my childhood. My father was very violent but also worked quite alot. Covert mother. We moved rural which was a lifesaver for me as I spent most of my time going around the place, left to run wild, riding horses, working odd jobs etc. Still had a terrible childhood but with some great times with my family to and got to see other families in action, functional and dysfunctional.
50 Shades Of Grey a “contract of consent” in order to subject a person to something they would otherwise not consent to.
In my case after I became isolated I began to notice a change in his behaviour.
Post Separation was where I uncovered the truth.
This seems a very convoluted way of saying narcs flatter and future fake to get you hooked. Not sure the whiteboard and the dual mother ship concept helps me at all.
...less responsibility.
Yess. Blame it on alcohol.
When i sober from narcissistic relationship, i laugh. Its funny when they worshipping themself overly high. 😌
"To get you used to the idea of what could be."
The essence of future faking. To change your thinking towards anticipated gratification - making you busy in doing - distracting you from being - impairing you from becoming - you as introject shall not change in reality.
@@MrBenjaminkruegereu
"You shall not change in reality" is key. Vaknin describes how the narc takes a "snapshot" at the onset/ establishment of the "relationship" who cannot change
'Just because it feels good....
Doesn't make it right!
Oh lord..'
Skunk Anansie
But we are bombarded by mainstream..if it feels good then it must be ok...and anyone giving a little beep that it's not like that is cancelled
This is quite familiar. Either by force or through guile. Excellent way to weaken judgment.
You are Brilliant! Huge Gratitude for alllllll that you share!!!!! Thank you very much
Everything here describes exactly what has gone on in the majority of cultures around the world during the past 2+ years.
You are absolutely incredible and I'm so grateful for the work that you do.
Took from this a Narc mother also needs you to be a mother 🤔
and what if the perceived narcist is a close family member
"Emotional cocktail". 😀 Love it. Perfect description of the love bomb stage.
...and beyond. There will be consant servings...also cocktails with rage , shame,guilt, gaslighting and silent treatment / emotional depravation.
Could the contract be like security , could it be based on safety , a sweet societal security blanket ?
"How I raised my mother" sounds fantastic for the title of my story. Thank you.
A Love Bomb essentially, right?
This is exactly how I got plugged into a narcisistic work relationship. Fascinating and I wondered how the fuck did he get me to forget everything about myself? Well, now I know.
He told me early on: Dont thank me, I am not a good guy. I thought he was pathetic and I saw what he was doing but I still fell for it.
What a perfect description!!!
Can't seem to find the link, "below"
The name of your editor is enough for me to click do not recommend videos from this channel.
I'm a bit perplexed as 'my' narc was my cyberstalker so initially I signed no mutual contract it was forced upon me yet the trauma bonding etc still applies. This took place over a period of 2 years; it altered my perception of reality completely. I'd be grateful if anyone could provide any insight. Dunno what fantasy I was signing up for if not to say the real world was also a problem for me at the time - maybe that's the issue.
Wish you weren’t so handsome…thank you for your work , helping and educating others about these monsters 👹
My husband to a t. Never come across this before so must have been like taking candy from a baby. Hence i signed a marriage contract. I realise now and have learnt so much. Time to unpick and heal.
Thank you Richard for this clear explanation ! I subscribed for your program, very curious if it’s going to work … I definitely need to take action. When I look at your videos and those of Sam Vaknin (translated in this video as Sam Backman … never heard this one before 😄) all the pieces of the puzzle where put together. I suddenly realized what was happening to me ! Thank you for that 🙏
So would your ex, of a decade long relationship loyl, saying you are the one & I will finish my current relationship then ask to borrow money from you. Then keep you waiting around over a week now for the next move.......(looks like the other relationship might be over, but poor communication & strange body language makes me question the validity of everything)...
This is helpful, something weird is going on atm. I can't talk about it here that would be pointless but I wish I knew someone I could explore this with so I could be sure that I'm not shirking accountability and just projecting but ny instinct is telling me I'm deeply uncomfortable. And I can't tell if that's because I'm not accepting fair criticism or I'm dealing with toxicity.
I've noticed that my partner never liked sober sex .. we always had to smoke a bunch of weed and the drinking would bring out the freakiness .. after that nothing consistent. It wasn't too noticeable in the beginning because I'm naturally lovable with or without the extras. After a while I found my self having sex with someone who's past out while I have to resort to porn just to finish .. it's shameful , wicked. And not ok
11:35 🙏🏼🧩GOOD THING I GAVE UP DRINKING 😅🤣😂🕊️🤍🕊️🙏🏼
Omg
Very clear, again thank you for this insight
Keeping your victims with a fresh drink is like an oral pacifier or a false wholeness ante in to the social contract which keeps them in denial, passive, not investigating and antagonizing what is happening with a negative perspective or a more realistic take on human nature. Narcs want you in obedient child mode, not in police mode. The emotional cocktail is push pull, he loves me, loves me not. It's Red Bull & vodka. lol Emotional artifacts...? yup.. it's the narc knows from internal experience that emotion generates thought & vice versa.. thus they sell pathos oriented speak, guilty conscience xsfer judgmentalism, & scandal sheet trash talk to generate thought in the mind of someone who cares, accepts fate and gives meaning or their truth to that emotion which the narc sold them. So the narc gets something for nothing. They sell emotion to you and you who care, the empaths reaches solid judgment and acts on that emotion.
Love your analogies 🙂
Expectations can be a big source of pain and stress in relationships if they are not realistic and reasonable. When it comes to relationships involving narcissists, this is even more true. Covert contracts are called "covert" because they are secret. They are agreements and rules we are expecting the other person to agree to - and follow - without ever telling them about it. When they don't, we feel betrayed and hurt. We assume that they should just know and when they don't fulfill what we believe is their end of the bargain, we assume they did it on purpose, either to hurt us or because we aren't worth it.
This is why expectations need to be reasonable, clear and based in reality. Has this person demonstrated in any way that this is the kind of person they are, or that they have the capability and desire to do any of these things that you are requiring? When we create these contracts or rules in our minds, we are basing them on what we think is fair, and what we think is reasonable. We are not really considering what is going on with the other person, or whether they think the same way we do. We are simply assuming that everyone is on the same page. But as you know, that is not always the case at all - especially when you are dealing with narcissists.
The covert contracts you enter into with pathologically narcissistic people are often extremely unreasonable. They involve things that most people would probably never agree to if they were communicated out loud. Things like unquestioning acceptance of their stories, no matter how far-fetched; unwavering support even when they are wrong or being unfair, unconditional acceptance of their behavior no matter how terrible, never ending the relationship or abandoning them no matter what happens, working constantly to fix their fractured self-worth, taking responsibility for all of their mistakes, problems and behaviors, never disappointing them and many other things that are ridiculously unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic. The problem with this, as with all covert contracts, is that people don't know that this is what is required and in this case, would not agree to it if they did know because these things are impossible to do.
Narcissists by and large are probably unable to communicate these things. They are often completely disconnected from their feelings and their needs. Like a child, they cannot articulate what they need. They can only react when they don't get it. When you attempt to interpret a narcissist's needs back to them for clarity based on their behavior, they will often deny this is what they are asking for, even though their reactions clearly prove that it is. For example, if the narcissist throws a tantrum every time you try to do something and you say, "So are you saying that you don't want me to do this," they often say that is not what they want - even though it very obviously is. Their words contradict their behavior and as a result, the other person in the relationship does not understand what they want and cannot even attempt to give it to them.
This inability to communicate what they want or how they feel creates a situation where they can never get what they want because no one knows what it is. This is destructive to relationships of any kind and especially in narcissistic relationships, because the other person gets tired of the guessing games and of the narcissist's inability to simply say what they feel or ask for what they want. They get tired of the contradictions. They get tired of being punished for not following all of these unspoken rules. They get tired of never being told how to get things right and therefore always being wrong.
The narcissist gets tired of it, too. They get tired of no one giving them what they need, of no one knowing what that is, of everyone always disappointing them and of feeling like there are unfair expectations placed on them where they are being forced to give things to others that they don't have, can't give or don't want to give. It is a disappointing, unfulfilling relationship for everyone involved. Covert contracts can destroy relationships, especially because in narcissistic relationships, what you have apparently agreed to are things you can't even do.
This is why boundaries are so important. Boundaries are the clear communication of what you expect. This is the only way to be sure that your needs and desires are known. If you never tell someone what you expect, they will always disappoint you. And if what you expect pushes them away - or what they expect pushes you away, it's good to find that out because this would not be a good fit in the end anyway. Not everyone can give you what you want out of a relationship and it really is best to understand that. If, after you've clearly communicated what you need or expect, the person still chooses not to give it to you, you have a decision to make about whether you want this person in your life. It's not easy, but it's really the only choice because there is no way to have a healthy or fair relationship with an unhealthy, unfair person. We cannot force others to do what we want. We cannot make them act the way that we want them to act. The only thing we can do is choose whether we want them in our lives. Luckily, that's all the power we need.
If someone has chosen to live with a narcissist, or find themselves stuck in a situation for the time being, you must remember that nothing you do will control the narcissist's behavior or make them stop being abusive. There are things you can do to help save your sanity but they will not control or change the narcissist. They will not stop escalation or violent behavior if the narcissist chooses to react that way. Nothing can do that. The only way to stop the abuse is to end your association with this person. But to help save you some sanity you must accept the reality of the situation. Let go of the fantasy & accept that nothing will fix the relationship
Stop trying to change the narcissist & accept who/how they really are. Stop projecting your feelings onto the narcissist & accept how they really feel and accept the situation. Most of the pain involved in these relationships is due to someone's unwillingness to do this. It hurts and it's hard to hear, but the truth is that most people will not change just because someone else wants them to be different. Some of them can't. If you want to get through this with any sanity left, you have to accept this reality. This means letting go of the fantasy that this relationship will somehow become what you want it to be and dealing with the reality of it, regardless of what the narcissist says. You've probably been around the block with this enough times by now to know that it isn't going to be different, whether they promise that or not. It means not trying to change the narcissist and accepting who and how they really are. It means not projecting your feelings onto the narcissist and letting their actions speak for themselves. They do. This person either cannot or will not be what you want them to be. Part of living with it without being destroyed is understanding and accepting that.
Understand that no expectations will be met consistently, if at all. Create realistic ones that reflect how this person really behaves and feels. Understand your role in the narcissist's life; you're not a sovereign person A lot of the pain involved in these relationships is also due to unrealistic expectations placed on the narcissist or the relationship. This doesn't mean your expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic in general-especially if they're normal things like respect and consideration- it just means this person is not going to meet them with any consistency, no matter how basic they are. Let the person's actions speak for themselves and base your expectations on that, rather than what you think they should do.
For example, if you are expecting loyalty even though you've never gotten it from your partner, you need to realize that is unrealistic. If you are expecting comfort from a parent who has never given it to you, you need to realize that's unrealistic. It doesn't mean what you want is wrong. It means the person you are expecting it from has already demonstrated they will not give it to you, so you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. Expectations need to be created that reflect how this person really behaves and how they really feel. You can't get blood from a stone and there's nothing you can do to change that.
It's important to understand the dynamics of the relationship and your role in it. When you are dealing with a narcissist, you are not considered a sovereign person by them and will not be treated as one. Changing your expectations of the person and the relationship to reflect how things really are will go a long way toward creating some peace for you.
Stop taking It personally and Internalize that the narcissist's behavior is about them, not you
Understand that the narcissist doesn't even really know you. Realize narcissists live in a fantasy; they need to believe, say or do these things. This is one of the hardest things to do in any relationship, but especially when someone can be so deliberately cruel and horrible. However, it's necessary if you want to survive. It's also the reality. The truth is, the narcissist's behavior is not about you. It's about them. If you pay attention, you'll see that, in all likelihood, this person doesn't even know you. You're just a tool for them to use in their never-ending quest to make themselves feel better. Everybody is, no matter what the narcissist says. It really is about nothing and no one else but them. You think it's about you because it hurts you, but that isn't the reality. You don't exist as a sovereign person to pathologically narcissistic people, which means that in the end, nothing can ever truly be about you at all. That's why it isn't and never will be. Narcissistic people live in a fantasy world and because of that, they need to say or do or believe these things. But you don't have to live in the same fantasy world, so don't. It's not about you. It's about them, just like everything else.
Pick your battles, decide if it's worth it, Decide if it's necessary, Decide if it'll change anything.
Living with narcissistic people is like being at war. And like being at war, you need to learn to pick your battles. If you don't, everything can become a battle because this is the kind of person you're dealing with. They can be passive-aggressive, overtly aggressive, sarcastic, mean, nasty, unpleasant, irritable, rude, inconsiderate, and much more. You have to decide what is really worth your time to engage with. Every snotty little comment and nasty little look is not worth the argument. It's not worth your time, and it certainly won't help anything. Learn to pick your battles and let the rest go.This seems unfair to some, but if you're living with a narcissist, it's never going to be fair, so it's time to accept that and learn to work with it. Picking your battles can save your sanity. If the situation is not important, don't bother. This actually protects your energy and your sanity at the same time. For example, battles about finances might need to be had. Battles about the mean thing they said under their breath at breakfast might not.
Picking your battles also includes not arguing with them when they try to start with you. You have to decide if a battle is necessary, if it's worth it, and if it'll change anything. Remember that you cannot control this person's behavior or make them stop acting this way. All you can do is control yourself. Learn not to take the bait. It becomes a lot easier when you have accepted the situation, changed your expectations, and are no longer taking it personally.
Learn to validate and care for yourself. Stop relying on the narcissist to validate your experiences or feelings. Stop giving the narcissist the power to decide your worth Stop relying on the narcissist for companionship or love. Perhaps the hardest thing about dealing with narcissistic people is the fact that though you have a relationship of some kind, you really are alone in it. However, you can learn to validate and care for yourself. This is probably the most important lesson narcissists can teach us. Learning to do these things for yourself means you need to stop relying on the narcissist to validate your experiences and your feelings.
Stop trying to convince an abuser to agree with you that they are an abuser; it's unlikely that they're going to ever do that in any real way. You don't need them to agree with or validate your experiences and your feelings. You can learn to do that for yourself. It means you need to stop giving narcissists the power to decide your worth. Your worth is not determined by what they think of you or how they treat you.
No one's worth is determined by how anybody thinks of them or how anybody treats them, but least of all a narcissist. They don't even live in reality. They don't even know themselves, let alone someone else. Learn to see your own worth, and stop giving this power to others. It's too much power for anyone to have in your life and is unhealthy. Many times, the reason people stay in these relationships is that they have become obsessed with proving to the other person that they are worth loving and treating decently. The person you need to prove that to is you, not them. That's who really needs to see it. Learning to validate and care for yourself also means not relying on the narcissist to love, support or consider you. You've got to learn to love yourself, support yourself and consider yourself. No one else can do it for you and a narcissist certainly won't. They can't do it for themselves either. That's what they need you for.
Living with narcissists is an exhausting, painful, and ultimately unsatisfying experience where no one ever gets what they want or what they need. These relationships-whether they be family, romantic, or any other kind-are brutal and damaging. But if you are going to live with a narcissist, learning to do these things can at least save your sanity if nothing else. Remember too, that none of these things excuses their behavior or renders them somehow not responsible for things they've done. They are only to keep you from being destroyed.
my ex tried to woo me back with love bombing and false promises. l had to read between the lines and say no
would it be possible to provide a transcript of this video? It would make it much easier for us non-native speakers to translate this important information into our mother tongues. Thanx in advance!!!!
Narcissism is international - therefore, please make transcripts available fo us non-Brits in need ;))))
The transcript is in the video description.
You have no idea how much you helped me! Thank you, Richard! 😘
You got her to a tee. I just need some self governance. I honestly don't know if i had any judgment before I met her. 18 years.
If they Lovebombing or want tea and sympathy I’m out.
i have learned so much from you. thank you!🕊️✨
Wow, that was pretty wild, Richard, thank you so much bro.
Narcissist and alcohol good old friends
Ah the American dream.
You explained it so well!
You are brilliant..
Th🙏nku Richard.
~ Eye opening food for thought whenst stuck in a crazy making diad.
V helpful insights n breakthroughs.
I am v greatful fir your fierce but kind approach to this tricky terrain 🙏
I m grieving the loss of my 20 yr old friendship with a narcissist....I broke the contract because she refused to pay me for helping her cleaning up after a flood in my town.I think the fact that money is like a contract might work,but either way I'm hiddng away in India waiting for time to change...Yr Chanel is my therapy...thanks.
This is brilliant, so on point! Thank you.
Very good presentation, except 'Chewing Gum' really spoilt it, visually but especially the audio quality.
Existence always comes first. Then comes knowledge, either true or false. That knowledge leads to desires, feelings, choices and actions. There are no emotions per se, but emotions are always about some true or false knowledge. This is why an authentic emotion is a contradiction in terms. A narcissist does not impose emotions per se, but false information that causes the emotions.
Brilliant thanks man. Genius.
Thank you, hit the nail on the head.. T R U T H
So we get 'tricked to drink the cocktail. But the symbiotic parasitic relationship within the matrix were each person is acting out mother sounds quite comforting if you were into that Stockholm slow brainwashing thing. It still makes me feel while drinking the Kool-aid I play a role in my own demise.
Wow, the ENT I work for, he insists I work a 10 to 11hr day, and can only have a lunch time if I can guarantee cell phone coverage (impossible), so I can't move out of his control.....underpaid too - I'm out of there as soon as I can!!
Hi Richard you said on locals you can't run but you can fight I hate to tell you I can do both 💃💃😈😈 joking loved your banter with the triggernometry boys and laughter soothes the soul 😊
Just 2 hours ago i found out that i have been tangled up in a narcissists web for the last 2 years. So far it hasnt been pleasant and has had some very negative emotions that i dont think will subside soon. These videos are definitely helping me right now. It wasnt my fault but its a hard pill to swallow. im recollecting her past behaviours and now i feel like such fool for sticking by her for so long. She was completely open about who she was and didnt hide it at all. Now i have to try and live in this house (that i recently bought) and have constant reminders of her being in my house and the good times and memories we shared :(
i could never have imagined that things would end as badly as they did. The last 24 hours has been the perfect storm of pain and coincidence. This is gonna be a hard one for me to get through.
Such a deeper and of “love bombing”. This video I found quite helpful. Thank you
The squeaky pen is making my dog think there's a mouse in the room!
You have very succinctly described what happened for me a little over 2 years ago. I signed up yesterday to “Unplug from the Matrix of Narcissism” as I intend to discover what the hell happened to me in the relationship that ended traumatically 2 weeks ago. I feel disassembled and hollowed out in a way that doesn’t reflect having a broken heart. I look forward to learning why I let it happen.
It happens because we were never warmed about narcissists
They don't break your heart, they shatter your soul.
I know the feeling you are on about
Thankyou , Richard. It's so easy listening to you talk us thru this maze of narcissism recovery.. You have helped so many of us just understand how easy it was to fall into the trap..but also how , with the right tools, it is to spot their tricks and let them go with a smile on our face and not treats for years..bless you my God man🙏❣️
So clear. Thank you.
That hurts.
Have you heard of Robertson Firestones conceot of the Fantasy Bond? Irs very similar to this.
Isn't this a derivative of fractionation.
My personal narc proudly calls it her "velvet hammer"