A poem for FTL
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- I've spent a lot of time playing FTL: Faster Than Light lately that I should have been spending on something productive. So I thought if I made a video about it I could rationalise it to myself. Also you should check out FTL, it's pretty fun.
![Pixel Inferno [FTL: Faster Than Light]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/sGhVeqntLOI/mqdefault.jpg)
I wonder how many times he had to play this just to find a store selling the Glaive Beam.
Huh, didn't expect you to be here, let alone have two comments.
Well then.
We never expected special forces.
Been spammed with it lately when using the stealth A ....unfortionatly by spam i mean one shop offering me 4 of them and two very shit weapons....when i wasn't able to buy a single shieldpiercing weopon and have already reached sector 6
ive found like 8 stores the last few days that have sold either glaive beam or vulcan
Glavie Beam isn't that good
"so we are sorry you died for the sake of our kit, but you have to admit that gun is the shit" XD
Hahaha
srsly tho the glaive beam is the fucking shit
its still not good enough to make stealth B actually decent.
The irony is that he would have gotten more scrap if he had accepted their surrender.
He ended up with 24 scrap, but they offered 27 scrap.
To admit the truth, some will hate,
but the fact remains, that beam is a bait.
It fires too slow, so the weapons go down,
Fires are burning, and breaches abound,
Oh, why did I buy that treacherous glaive,
to whose long timer I now am a slave.
Drone beams are red,
Shield points are blue,
and your little poem is so very true :>
We'd like to continue
To the next venue,
But it seems the hull's gone out;
So bring up the menu
And hale your nephew,
Because shit's hit the fan, no doubt.
Ok here's the lyrics (I think, might be mistakes in there)
I am the captain of a pirate ship and I am hailing the man who gave the command
to blow off my wings and kill all my hands as firm repremand for my hasty demand
that you hand us your money and also your keys so that we can seize whatever we please
but now you've brought us down to our knees and we'd very much like to survive this please
so won't you forgive this misguided offender? Came the reply: "We do not accept surrender."
I appreciate that this comes a bit late but you've put me in quite a difficult state
Your missiles took out our oxygen gear and now I fear my breathing feels weird
and it appears that we've lost the translator in the fizzling crator that was the generator
my guns aren't workin' and the drones gone bezerkin' the admin department and killed all the clerks
and we're light years from a decent hull mender. But you still you reply: "We do not accept surrender."
I'm giving up now because you've earned my respect and because I suspect I'm the only one left
Mandy and Brock both fell out the airlock I'm not hearing a word from the engine block
and my rock has now locked himself in the head to stew in his dread and my slugs are all dead
My last engi vacated to sort out a fault in the shield generator but it seems that my zoltan
hadn't quite told him that the shields are in embers and yes, I remember, you do not accept surrender.
Look, what do you want? Let me get out my purse, it's a wee bit perverse you won't even converse
about doing a reverse before things get worse. You are everything that's wrong with this universe
I don't even like the rebellion fleet, they're smug and elite and full of conceit
but now in defeat I can see the appeal of making a deal with a rebel so heel
maybe defend us from fascists like you WAIT WE SURRENDERED DON'T SHOOT US-
I am a captain of the United Federation and I give consolation for your expurgation
'cuz two stops ago we ran into a chap selling Glaive Beams for just 120 scrap
and we said "Oh crap" 'cuz we couldn't afford it, until you show up, yelling "Prepare to be boarded!"
So we're sorry you died for the sake of our kit, but you have to admit, that gun is the shit
So we'll salvage your bits and go back to that vendor 'cuz the Rebel Defenders do not accept surrender.
Joseph Wallaby ^.^
replace "SURRENDERED" with "SURRENDER"
I know it's been a while but found 2 mistakes:
"Drone's gone berserk in"
and
"making a deal with a rebel so he'll"
Pronounciation is a bit weird, but in context this is what makes sense.
Eight years later I find out this exists and I love it.
I find eleven year after it has been posted.
This video is about half my age.
I’m in my 20…
That was actually a really good poem.
yes so cool
My god this sums up the greatest parts of FTL perfectly. For the Federation!
Rainbowhawk1993 There should be a mod to ask for surrender, but the catch is they ALWAYS say: We will not accept surrender!
I can say, with absolutely no exaggeration, that this video was what finally convinced me to buy FTL. Over 100 hours of gameplay later, it's still one of my favorites!
Weird. Something from Yahtzee that I can show to my little brothers. Never saw that coming.
You know, when you board an enemy ship and kill all crew without destroying it, you should be able to use that ship too and fly in formation.
+rlrsk8r1 It would be a nod to Galaga.
+rlrsk8r1 Modding community; GET ON THIS
It would probably make the flagship too easy to fight with 4 ships simultaneously. Other than that it would also basically mean double fuel costs and fuck that.
Due to the interface, I would probably cap it at two.
rlrsk8r1 Well you wouldn't have to micromanage your other ships. You can just tell them where to target and buy crew/upgrades for them, the AI would do the rest as normal
Yahtzee, this is the most magnificent and epic poem ever to be uttered by human lips. It's everything that was good about The Raven, Jabberwocky, and Kubla Khan all rolled into one.
He's got a point, the glaive beam is indeed the shit.
Especially with an Ion Blast mk 2 to compliment it.
Definitely. Especially especially with a hacking module or mind control to knock out the helm and score guaranteed hits for awhile.
Though I think, now that advanced edition has come out, the chain vulcan is my new favorite weapon. It's entirely possible to beat the flagship with that as your only weapon.
Indeed, so long as you have the power and defense systems to back it up.
I haven't been able to beat the flagship without at least one bar in the stealth system.
On normal? Me either. On easy, I've managed it a few times but yeah, stealth does make a big difference, especially in phase 2. If you only power it to 1 bar and pop it as soon as the power surge starts, the cooldown will be up by the time the next one happens.
MrClickity Oh god, the Vulcan. Much love for that gun.
That's true. How come YOU can't surrender when shit hits the fan?
Rebels want you dead, pirates want to enslave the crew or disassemble the ship for more scrap.
BECAUSE THE REBEL DEFENDERS
DO NOT ACCEPT SURRENDER
At killdog : why do the slavers blown u up then?
Why can't you become FTL: Slave Simulator Edition?
I mean at killer
Kent Fuller Maybe because you're on an important mission which will determine the fate of the Federation and perhaps the entire universe and as such would rather fall in combat than surrender yourself to slavers, who would probably not let you continue on your mission.
first few playthoughs, i actually tried to play morally. then i realized that its much better to kill everything if you want to survive...
+Slayer Jesse That's what I did with life. Seems to be working; this run I haven't died for 27 years.
This poem was smart
and kind of touched my heart
refrigerator parts
(thanks pendulum)
Sgt Pendulum actually just wanted to make my (stupid, first grade poem) sound a lil bit like a haiku
however, the parts make a good rhyme there ;D (edited)
that's alright your poems not shite and besides you have time to find a good rhyme but work on you'll find that @@AlanTheFellow can make a good poem now go and show them
It's been over a year, and I'm sorry to just be seeing this now. Twas glorious - wish there was a playthrough by yahtzee
Your wish has been granted
Search for let’s drown out ftl
In FTL there is no morals.
+Levi Campbell A little part of me die everytime I play this game, but its sooooo goood.
Its a good thing you are in space. You can jettison those ethics without feeling a thing.
because the game difficulty also has no morale.
AmphiDsf Ethichs airlooked. Captain turns around to crew. They made me throw out my moral I will kick them in the nuts. Rages until next jump point where I die to advanced drone with four shields and three weapons.
i suppose the only real moral thing i consistently care about is trying to keep my crew alive. Clones also mean the original guys die so you can't just avoid it that way.
I came because this was NerdCubed mystery video. This is so good I'm going to subscribe just because of it.
Enjoy the plunge into darkness that is Yahtzee
+Thomas House me too
+Thomas House me2!
+Thomas House you are in for a treat my friends.
+Thomas House what vid?
A great poem just as always, Mr. Croshaw.
The rhymes you make always leave me in awe.
And yes, this poetry in the comments
are probably driving you insane and you want us to stop it.
But is it so wrong you inspire us so.
That we like your work and want to know
that you, Yahtzee, are our favorite reviewer.
And I, a fan, am glad to be a viewer.(does that last one count?)
I'm gonna take a wild stab here and say that this is the genesis of Rhymedown Spectacular.
This and the Wolfenstein review
I miss Rhymedown Spectacular :'(
The only reason I wish Jim Sterling hadn't gone independent were the poetry sessions between him and Yatzee.
jim noticed that escapist was turning into yahtzee magazine...
Nieildilson Souza well, in the absence of any other decent content, it is now.
If it weren't for ZP, I'd not know what the Escapist actually was.
Your voice seems to agree very well with the google voice to text program.
"Your missiles took out our oxygen gear and now I fear that my breeding feels weird." ROFL
+RandomGuy1994 Im sure he said breathing.... not breeding.
Matthew Mercado Thank you Captain Obvious
RandomGuy1994 You are welcome.
Butter of Sorrow Nope, the autogenerated subs now say "breathing"
I was sent by the man who blamed the shopkeepers.
+StaggieMackie that pike beam killed him........ the shopkeepers shall die!!!!!! who is with me for this rebellion? but save the guy with the glaive beam for 120. RISE WITH ME
+StaggieMackie I was also sent by him
wow this has been out for like 9 years and it's still great
"I am the captain of a pirate ship and I am hailing the man
who gave the command
to blow off my wings and kill all my hands as a firm reprimand
for my hasty demand that you hand us your money and also your keys
so that we can seize
whatever we please
but now you've brought us down to our knees
and we would very much like to survive this please,
so won't you forgive this misguided offender?"
Came the reply "We do not accept surrender"
"I appreciate that this comes a bit late,
but you've put me in a difficult state.
Your missiles took out our oxygen gear
And now I fear
That my breathing feels weird
And it appears
That we've lost the translator
In the sizzling crater
That was our generator
My guns aren't working
And the drone's gone berserking
In the admin department and killed all the clerks and we're light years away from a decent hull mender and still your reply
We do not accept surrender
"I'm giving up now because you've earned my respect
And because I suspect
That I'm the only one left
Mandy and Brock
Both fell out the airlock
I'm not hearing a word from the engine block
And my rock
Is now locked in his head
To stew in his dread
And my slugs are all dead
My last engi vacated to sort out a fault in
The shield generator but it seems that my zultin
Hadn't quite told him
That the shields are in embers
And yes I remember
That you do not accept surrender
"Look, what do you want? Let me get out my purse
It's a wee bit perverse
That you won't even converse
About doing a reverse
Before things get worse
You are everything that's wrong with this universe
I don't even like the rebellion fleet
They're smug and elite
And full of conceit
But now in defeat
I can see the appeal
Of making a deal with a rebel so he'll
Maybel defend us from fascists like you
Wait! We surrender don't shoot-"
"I am a Captain of the United Federation
And I give consulation
For your expergation
For two stops back
We ran into a chap
Selling Glaive beams for just 120 scrap
And we said 'oh crap!'
Cause we couldn't afford it
Until you show up saying 'prepare to be boarded'
So we're sorry you died for the sake of our kit
But you have to admit
That gun is the shit
So we'll salvage your bits and go back to that vendor
Because the rebel defenders
Do not accept surrender
.. This was unexpectedly awesome
this is better than all those reviews
I watched this a while ago having not played the game, and I did NOT get it. But now I've purchased, played, and loved the heck out of the game. And coming back to this poem, I find it to be a true masterpiece. Well done, Mr. Croshaw.
that federation poem was quite nice and pretty much fits for all of us players. Feel bad for those Pirates though. :(
They should have made this skit into a multiverse easter egg...
This is literal golden...
Being a fan of Yahtzee, how have I never seen this before? XD
this really has that laid back 2013 RUclips flair to it huh? Truly perfect🥰🥰
Yeah, but compared to his usual obscenity bombardment, "shit" is about as offensive as "blueberry muffin".
Wait, what the hell, this is 8 years old???
It's a masterpiece.
Still one of my favorite videos on RUclips.
When the game came out, my roommate played it all the time. I had no idea what he was doing or what FTL even was at the time, but every few minutes, he would shout, "NO SURRENDER BALLS!"
that offer of surrender was more lucrative than the postmortem salvage lol.
This was great! I can't believe I found it so many years later.
Now do one for papers please.....please
GLORY TO ARSTOTZKA!!!!!
HAIL CARGONIA!
Land of stolen things!
You sir, are a legend. I've never found one of 'these' setups that actually work, but this one is the dogs bollocks. Strong work.
Tip: Try to kill the enemy crew, without destroying their ship. That way, you will earn more resources. This is easy to do if you have a teleporter.
i still can't get over how nicely this fits with the still dre instrumental
This is a masterpiece.
I have been sick for days. Some kind of flu.
I have been watching a lot of FTL Twich streams. They have really been helping.
This has been a sad painful morning.
But, this video. Really makes life worth it.
This was fantastic!
Gawd, playing FTL (paused to type this), your dulcet tones sum up a good hand dealt on hard difficulty.
A poem for FTL
Yahtzee Croshow
I am the captain of a pirate ship
and I'm hailing the man who gave the command
to blow off my wings and kill all my hands
as firm reprimand for my hasty demand
that you hand us your money and also your keys
so that we can seize whatever we please
but now you've brought us down to our knees
and we'd very much like to survive this, please.
So won't you forgive this misguided offender?
Came the reply;
We do not accept surrender.
I appreciate that this comes a bit late
but you've put me in quite a difficult state.
Your missiles took out our oxygen gear
and now I fear that my breathing feels weird
and it appears we've lost translator
in the fizzling crater that was the generator.
My guns aren't workin' and the drone's gone bezerk
in the admiral department and killed all the clerks
and we're light years from a decent hull mender
but still you reply;
We do not accept surrender.
I'm giving up now 'cos you've earned my respect
and because I suspect I'm the only one left.
Mandy and Brock both fell out the airlock,
I'm not hearing a whirr from the engine block
and my rock has now locked himself in the head
to stew in his dread and my slugs are all dead.
My last NG vacated to sort out a fault in
the shield generator but it seems that my Zoltin
hadn't quite told him that the shields are in embers
and yes, I remember;
You do not accept surrender
Look, what do you want? Let me get out my purse
It's a wee bit perverse you won't even converse
about doing a reverse before things get worse.
You are everything that's wrong with this universe!
I don't even like the Rebellion Fleet.
They're smug and elite and full of conceit
but now in defeat I can see the appeal
for making a deal with a rebel so he'll
maybe defend us from fascists like you.
Wait! WE SURRENDER! DONT SHOOT AT- (BOOM!)
I am a captain of the United Federation
and I give consolation for your expurgation
'cos two stops ago, we ran into a chap
selling Glaive Beams for just one-twenty scrap
and we said "Oh crap" 'cos we couldn't afford it
until you show up yelling "Prepare to be boarded!".
So we're sorry you died for the sake of our kit
but you have to admit, that gun is the shit
so we'll salvage your bits and go back to that vender
'cos the Rebel offenders
do not accept surrender.
First time I see someone transcribe it with "berserk in" (although misspelled, but strange word), and "he'll", instead of erroneously writing "berserkin'" and "heel"
dear tahtzee, thank you for the 9 (A in strange scoring system) in my english class. your poem (that some people now think it's mine) made great success.
2:10 FTL drop and walk away...
I love that all the videos that put a rap to this and choose a Snoop Dogg Song, but all I hear is "Fire Coming Out of a Monkey's Head" by Gorillaz, and with a bit of tweaking, it sounds awesome.
I love the poetry, it sounds fantastic.
Somebody get this man a award.
brilliant, i was hoping his Wolfenstien review wouldn't be his last piece of prose. honestly i think i like this one even more. i didn't think that was possible.
that was awesome
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This is beautiful
HELLLLOOOOOO PROCRASTINATORS!
Accually, I have nothing to do :)
oh no, two great youtube fandoms are beginning to merge
***** what do you mean exactly
i like nerd's fandom because it's undeveloped as fuck
by disabling comments, he's held them in stasis by allowing no inside joke spam or stereotypes to emerge
Fep Joe What?
***** Hello frank
Good rule of thumb: if you're going to barter for your life, don't lowball me.
Pffft hahahah
That's a nice ship you've got, all shiny and new.
I'll just teleport over and relieve it of all its crew.
So you need not worry about surrender.
that was Awesome
I'll try to make this poem a hit, even though my meter is shit.
To declare my love in a forum for all to see, this man who goes by the name of Yahtzee.
His reviews inspire in this fetid gaming mire a feeling in me which had all but retired.
To hear you rhyming with such excellent timing I feel quite inspired.
Now to flee from this theater in my old broken beater i'll leave you with this mate; Good on ya!
"RTSs are for fat virgin shut-ins"
"FTL is one of my favorite games"
~Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw
Look if you can slam your hand down on the space bar to stop time like an all powerful demigod of space and time it’s not an rts it’s just the s with rt elements
Great poem Yahtzee. It made me think of how we play video games and view the villains we mercilessly kill at times.
Hey, no one let's us surrender
Hot damn that was good.
That was the most heartbreaking story I ever encountered in any game.
11/10 would laugh again
It's this the yahtzee from 0 punctuation?
Yes, yes it is.
*****
hmmm. i think im sensing sarcasm.
I do to... It's over 9000...
***** My name is Josh Thomas, and you have officially creeped me the fuck out...
Joshua Thomas holy crap it's eezthay
i'm your biggest fan, infinity punctuation is my favorite show
Yahtzee made a poem about FTL in 2013 and I'm only being informed now? AlgoRITHM!!!
Thx dan
I love all of his escapist videos and this just one more gleaming diamond brought to the internet keep up the good work.
Australian Dr.Suess w/ real imagination.
he is British, just lives in Australia
Shark Lizard Technically that makes him Australian.
Kristian Kumpula no, it makes him a citizen of australia. He's still british
Nice that you post unique stuff on your original yt channel from time to time :)
Disappointed there was never a review of this
Niall O'Gorman there absolutely was!
I only just saw this...how has this not come across my feed sooner?! HAHAHA.
I always accept surrender.
But you have to admit, that gun is the shit.
You have proved time and time again that you are a genius writer. Yet, you keep amazing me.
*slow clap*
This here, is the best endorsement of this game I have ever seen. Good job sir.
Am I the only one who bought FTL because of this video?
Damn it Brian!
... Well now I'm going to have to start calling your brain Brian.
Does that make me a genius or insane?
Yay! So what are we going to do tonight "Brian"?
Surrender really is a complicated thing in FTL. Like, I'm sorry man, the galaxy is ruthless and you thought wholeheartedly that you'd be the one listening to me plead, but you've gotta understand that I need the supplies, and my enemies won't be listening either.
Wait! Buy the halberd, it's better!
Despite the power and cost, the Glaive Beam does 3 damage (unblocked) per room hit and it has the ability to pierce two shield layers on an enemy for reduced damage. Combine with a Flak II from AE and everything dies.
***** I didn't know that the glaive beam pierced shields. Sorry.
MrGameSecrets It's alright.
MrGameSecrets All beams pierce shields. Any beam will have its damage reduced by one for each shield it encounters. So the Halberd will pierce one shield and do one damage (because it deals two when unblocked), the Glaive will deal three if it's up against no shields, two if it has to go through one, and one if it has to get through two, and any other beam is stopped by any number of shields.
***** the extra 1 point of damage really isn't worth the effort. It simply takes way too much scrap to upgrade the reactor and weapons system so you have enough power to support both glaive and a decent missile weapon which you inevitably need. Even if it didn't have such expensive requirements it still takes way too goddamn long to charge and it's happened to me so many times that when i'm just about to get my glaive beam charged up my weapon systems get shot and I have to charge everything again without getting a single shot out.
That doesn't really happen with Halberd beam since it has a whole 8 seconds shorter cooldown, which is a long time in a combat situation.
its nice to hear someone talking sense
i was reading these comments and i was sitting on the fence
making my mind up and not trying to seem dense
now i am typing i am beginning to repent
but there is no time for this ol' chap to lament
i only came here to listen to this fine mans accent
although I'm British I'm born in the north
It's shit up here mate.
No really.
Dunno why, but I always hear the "Until you showed up, yelling 'prepare to be boarded!'" part in GLaDOS's voice
This is the only poem I have ever enjoyed.
That fits so fracking well. Holy crap.
Love ZP
Love FTL
Love poetry
WHAT IS THIS PERFECT VIDEO???
yeah, i can understand that. but people are just having fun in a way that in a certain light can be very beneficial to members of both fanbases. and besides, if someone was going to ponify this video, i don't think anyone could really stop them. best not to worry about the things we can't control :)
I made these decisions based on the in-universe utility function. For example, I'd always finish off pirates unless the offer was really good, because if I didn't, they'd just go attack someone else who might not be as lucky. But the Rock ship hiding from the Zoltan border patrol, I'd accept any offer.
That was great! This is so accurate!
This deserves the slowest. Clap. Ever. With the look of utmost respect on the face.
... you win, sir. Fits excellently.
Holy shit the Google transcribe actually works almost flawlessly in this video
Clapping as in applause, as in 'well done', as in 'OMG I can't even'
This is brilliant, very reminiscent of Poe (as the top comment reflects nicely). Your writing is both incredibly smart and bloody funny (I just bought Mogworld and it's shaping up exactly the same way). Keep up the great work!
Best poem I've heard in a year *starts to cry*
F-in dropped over 30 hours into FTL and even though I've been away from it for awhile I intend to pick it up again soon. Waaaayyy too much fun with quite a bit of frustration too I might add.
and we said "Oh crap!"
cause we couldnt afford it.
until you show up
yelling "Prepare to be boarded!"
goddamn that poem is amazing, love it
i swear, every character in FTL is some mix of a samurai, a nord from skyrim, and straight up concrete wall.
i can almost hear them shout: VICTORY OR SOVNGARDE, while i casually aim the glaive beam at their ship.
The funniest thing just happened. I was listening to some glitch hop and it sounded like Yatzhee was rapping to it perfectly. The song was The Fixer by MakO off of the neurofunk grid channel.
Strangely beautiful.
In most games my avatar is relentless do gooder and I used to be quite merciful in FTL outings until this poem. Turns out all that is needed to dissolve my long held morals is some catchy rhymes.
I'd use 120 scrap to buy more energy bars, or upgrade my shields. I'm fine with the 1st Engi ship's starting equipment, and maybe a blast laser.
based
That is a beautiful combination. This poem just got badass.