It's puzzling how repressed memories continue to modify our behaviour and response to stimulus even though the memories are inaccessible. It would be great to have a video on that.
It's weird to me childhood never affected me until now. All the memories, flashbacks, ugly truth keeps replaying in my mind and I used to hate when people used it as a cruch but at this time it is literally paralyzing how I move forward. I need help with this
Me also. I feel a darkness rising from within. Not an 'evil' darkness, but a foreboding feeling similar to a primal fear. It's not the type of fear I'd feel for example if someone jumped out of a corner to scare me. It's not a fleeting fear which I could giggle about and get over. It's more like the fear of having been in a scary place for a long time, and I'm just now realizing it. I'm thinking to myself "What the heck. Where'd this come from?"
What @Laniakea said. The stuff comes up when you’re in an emotional space to be able to deal with it. I’m going through this myself right now, and I’m seeing a counselor who specializes in trauma recovery. May you find good help.
I am proud to say I reached the most helpful perspective regarding my childhood trauma: I am not a child anymore. I am safe now and I know I can take care of my needs and love myself now. I understand the reasons I was abused and figured out why I became a Codependent. I choose to be aware of my behavior towards myself and others. I will not do to others what has wrongly done to me. 💕 Amor Fati 💕
That is wonderful. I am on that way because of a narc abuse. Can I ask you how is your love life; do you have a healthy partner relationship or you also had/have sldd&narc relationship? Hope my question reaches you. 🙏
@@natalijamartina I was raised in a master- slave dynamic and it hurt me for life. I end up married to a malignant narcissist. I was on my way to my grave when my defenses finally kicked in and scape slavery. From my mom and from my husband. I am on my journey towards well being And learning how to be a sovereign human being for the first time in my life. Love is foreign to me because I was hated as well. I have no love life because I am still working on myself. I want to reach certain level of mental health before trying romance again. For now I will continue to focus on my well being. If I am well then love will come easy.
when you speak I feel a sense of calm because everything you say is so true for me, and it makes me have hope that there are those out there who understand what I am going through. It alleviates the loneliness somewhat. I can't thank you enough
Lack of self identity I feel guilty if I rest or spend money on myself after a childhood of being told I was not good enough fall of faults a disappointment a burden useless
Full of faults damn predictive texts I was encouraged to be useful look after my lonely grandma or depressed father my role as child and teenager to be a care giver
This is so sad.... We hold onto things that just don't serve us and stops us from enjoying life to its fullest.... So let it go....just let it go. Jump over your dark shadows. I am doing that!!! It's hard but I'm being brave!
Thank you so much, Ross!! ....the answers are here....it's never too late to heal this...my heart goes out to others who are suffering ... and years of being misunderstood... 💓
Watching some videos on trauma, half of the speeches in general talk about the speakers qualifications, and the remaining time is mostly about identifying trauma and it leaving you pain and damage, but very little about how to cure it. I suggest really looking at yourself and your life, during each day, and looking for ways for to be really good to yourself, both with treats and healthwise. I suggest that we have to put back what life / perpetrators have taken from us....also give yourself time every day to do some hobbies (or start some) to relax, playing with art is especially good, and pets, if you don't one, as they are empathetic and intuitive to our feelings.
Do you mean "put back" as forgiving them? Cuz I dont think I can. Becuz I cant see why I have to go through this long cure shit for the things that maggot caused, while watching it becomes more and more content in life, everyday, without regreting... Well, sometimes I do want to get out of this, but as that maggot is my family, I get numb and remember it everyday, thus can't get peace. What do you suggest?
@@trangtran7674 the numbness protects you. You start to see the patterns. People in your life, you will see, begin to show the same characteristic as your abuser Sometimes when you recognize it, it may be real, or not. Look to see if what you feel about that person is real, or not. Your ego is reminding, and protecting, you. It makes you crazy, but your NOT. It's just you remembering.
@@whotelakecity2001 we need them to build research. Eventually the research will help us. They don't yet know how to fix it. I find that trying to turn my thoughts to neutral when I first realize it is going it hit me helps. Slowly you can bring in the positive. Just try to go blank, numb. Don't fight the thoughts, that makes them stronger. You don't have to forgive
PTSD is not the only trauma disorder, there are many dissociative disorders that are directly linked to disorganised attachment. When he said it hurts so much we can’t feel it. That’s part of dissociative amnesia and the person has probably never felt safe.
I'm the youngest of 5, mums full narcissist, dad was co dependant, we lived next door to a migrant facility where the residents brought me up, if it wasn't for their kindness I would of been much worse off.
beth shadowen I got a lot of love from my mother's dogs, I would hide in the kennel overnight if house full of touchy feely drunks & she never found me lol
I believe everyone who's been hurt or abused in life are like angels with broken wings. If emotion was a tap ours have been left running until there's only tiny drops left but yet we still manage to drink from it to keep ourselves alive because what else can we do:hopefully one day we will fill the cup to the top with water and learn to love ourselves again.my only true friend has been my misery and pain but remember tomorrow is a new day.
Thank you for this informative lecture. I have suffered with ongoing issues since as far back as i can remember. I am currently receiving support and i pray that i can continue living the rest of my life as 'normal' as possible
i just ended a one year friendship with a woman who is 60 years old and still talks endlessly about her mother's mental illness and neglect of her as a child. She disparaged my hobbies and wanted me all to herself. I think she was looking for a codependent relationship and i've been through that before so i had to let her go but i feel terrible about it. I wish her the best. i think i dodged a bullet tho.
Wow - That is so powerful that you have completely nailed it. WOW - FIRST time in 41 years that something has finally made sense to me. Thank you. Now, I can work towards healing it!
To: Ross This has saved my life. I mean this: I’ve been searching and searching, and now my questions have been answered by finding your channel & I thank you 😊
This lecture reminds me of a book from the olden days "Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery" by Wayne Kritsberg and what called chronic shock. This gives me better structure to understand it. Also, I saw Albert Ellis say that all of us respond differently to abuse and trauma. This confirms what I have seen. TY.
I just wanted to say how much your videos really helped me! I realized I dated two people with different personalities but the same attachment style (avoidant) attachment! As I am a sld and can fully recognize it.....and more than anything I have to pick someone with a healthy attachment! (I have never noticed it before but after reading more into it it’s so much easier to recognize!). What made me pick two people with avoidant attachment I think 🤔 it was the thrill of the chase! But now I know better... and am learning every day...
Thank you so much for sharing!!! I would also suggest you to explore Ross's full-length video seminars to help you: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads
I had a tricky situation a few days ago. Someone I lived with and was virtually family-member to me, lied to me a lot. I got into the habit of forgetting the lies soon after he told them. Sometimes he would steal from me but I had no hard evidence. What is significant about this story is that he took me into his confidence regarding some issues in his life. One day a Tennant who rented one of our family properties told me that he had been talking behind my back. A light bulb sudd went on. I knew I was being stolen from and lied to. I knew it and tried to live around it like an elephant in the room. My consciousness when my Tennant spoke to me awoke. I "saw" what had been going on. Where had I been for all the times I was lied to? I had been busy trying to accommodate things I had no business accommodating. I planned to tell my sister about it. I found myself sifting the information I told my sister in order to protect this person. I felt obligated to do so. It was only after talking to my sister that my own behavior became apparent to me. I felt obligated to protect some who had hurt me in so many different ways. I realised that we keep on repeating the patters formed by our trauma. It is not surprising that my life whole life feels hazy. I do not recall events in my life. I try to disguise it by pretending that I remember incidents that I actually do not remember. It is a strange life, one I feel I have not lived. it as if I have been sleepwalking throughout my life. I now practice mindfulness because I no longer want my own life to feel like " hearsay" to me. We do forget because it's painful and we keep on forgetting, pretending and re-enacting our trauma. This video is really precious. It validates our unvalidatec lives.
I really appreciate your dedication to this field and to advancing our understanding of these important issues. I appreciate the quality of your content here. Thank you for doing this and for sharing your work. I wish you a lot of success.
I'm sorry but it's not just one particular trauma, in my case. it's a lifetime of trauma. I am in therapy and I feel worse. I'm remembering all this stuff I buried and it just makes me feel worse about my shitty life.
Please do not do this to yourself. I have lived this myself, started therapy, things have gotten worse but I have to believe they will get better. It is just raw right now, like I am truly reliving it. But I too stuffed it all down, I didn’t feel it then, so I believe by now feeling it, as painful as it is, is what I need to do to finally get past this. I am 55 years, and want to live my life MY way now. It is like a rebirth. Peace and love to you.
Keep pushing through. It’s gotta get worse before it gets better, just because we’ve got to actually feel and process all the horrible stuff before getting through to the other side
You want some suggestions that won’t cost you thousands by going to endless therapists, books, seminars?? Go find your local NA group and attend a meeting... but before you say that you don’t have a drug problem, let me tell you that the program does cover not using drugs and that’s the small part of it...it’s all about you and being able to confront the issues we bury deep that cause us to do and feel the way we do about ourselves...in short it’s about changing oneself and finding a new way to live life on life’s terms....ohh btw it’s free!
When your child (children) suffers a traumatic events between 3-8 yrs old effects everyone that loves them. Sadly they are victimized over and over again through out life.
Lennox what he says makes sense. It's only simplistic so it is easier to understand. Literally anything in anyone's life can cause trauma. Just because he didn't mention your trauma doesn't mean it isn't trauma. Don't negate your past
that sounds quite narcisstic. Their pain is the only most important ... others dont exist. The video must be about me, or otherwise I cant use it to manipulate others, so I can cry some more for attention, so a video can be made just for me. Then I can make the victim charade prolong.
Ross, Thanks for this video. Loved that you presentation was not well-reheated, flawed (3 missing) and you came across as authentic and grounded. The Disneyworld trauma example worked very well in supporting and clarifying the different degrees of trauma. Suggest next time video recording so slides are more easily legible or even making them an attachment. Good Job!
I believe the healing process is on a spiritual level and you have to go inside yourself and "peel the layers back". I felt like an onion at one point and time because its painful but the release and Love that comes after is awesome. We seem to shame ourselves for abuse when endured as children and its not our fault. And we hold onto like those little kids forever and our adult lives are shaped by our child self is trying to hide from the world. It wasnt our fault. Children are innocent. There are no "bad" children! I had been healing for a few years and Ive got to a point that I dont remember. There are a few key memories, but for the most part, I cant remember much of anything of my childhood up until I was about 7 years old. And knowing how some of the repressed stuff works, it makes me wonder. At the same time I dont want that thought creating anything thats not there (maybe?) or I dont want to try to dig because I believe its a delicate layer to pull back that can have a bad effect. Trigger (?)... I also dont know how, if i wanted to just draw something out, any effective delicate ways to assist in my remembering. Or couldve just been somewhat un-eventful and repetitive so it just seems like i dont remember. (? is that a possibility?
There is no easy or quick way around it. Its a process. We just have to trust that process. When we peel those layers back, and cry, because it is painful, we are releasing that pain instead of holding on to it. At the same time we are knowing our self and what makes us tick. None of it is easy but, is very worth it. I say and I try to apply this on all things, that pain is a tool for wisdom gained when we can see the pain, release it, which means we've learned from it and rise above. Ascention on this plain, toward our best self. Blessings come in disguise. Healing is a beautiful thing. I cant remember how the saying goes, something along the lines of a seed cracks and breaks and must come totally undone before it sprouts and grows into itself, the beautiful flower. To the outside world the process looks like total chaos... Ive had a whole lot of things "peeled back", that all I could say was WHOA! But I dont know why Im repressing so much of my childhood. I try to remember and theres a few things it seems that im remembering, the same things. Not trying to force anything thats not showing itself yet. I just dont understand why I cant remember much but a few memories... Theyll surface when Im ready I suppose. Or Im looking for things that arent there...(?) Many blessings to you on your path of healing 💖 I believe it leads us to our journey as healers... See your strength!
⬆⬆ none of it is easy BUT is very worth it i shouldve said... And there is no delicate way to pull back those layers except being delicate on yourself. By that i mean forgiving yourself. No harsh judgement or shaming the self, for example...
Thank-you for your contribution to my healing journey. It is as you say. Transformation is intense and healing the emotions through the method you describe is paramount. ❤️🕊️
Hiya.. Well, we need to release the painful emotions that lockus into our behavioral patterns and hence negative lifestyles/relationships. When the painful feelings/traumas within our mind are released, then we feel better and our relationships get better. But, during therapy / mediatation, along the way, the emotions tend to come out, and we do feel them. It's better to feel a bit of suffering, as we get to the root of things, and release them, than to leave them buried, only to keep on affecting our lives in a negative way. It's like detoxing the mind. I'm a Buddhist, and through the many meditation techniques there are, the forces within our minds, that are usually hidden, come out. So, some uncomfortable feelings arise, then .... GONE ...!
u feel pain because your in dysfunctional relationships which are cyclic. but the fact that you are here show that your are opening eyes to the truth and healing. the pain you feel is not because of you but because of others that yuou have relationship with. after you end this relationship you wont feel pain bit void, which means you'll get closer to the problem. after you feel this void by releasing trauma and startin to love youself and be able to be by yourself without feeling lonely and seeking happiness or validation externally you are healed. after these you can go look for relationships and grow and become happier and happier have fun and live life fulfilled.
Imagine a child in a military family that moves often and lives in a lot of different places and cultures. No long term friends or much contact with grandparents or other relatives. The child lives with guns and war implements (aircraft, tanks, etc.) and alerts (sirens, etc.). The child knows that other counties have targeted his base with nuclear missiles. A parent engages in hazardous training and is frequently deployed to combat situations. That parent returns different but trying to re-integrate with the family, often not successfully. We should care for these military families and children better than we do. We should recognize and appreciate their sacrifices, too.
Appreciate the thought. But most moves were to bases within the continental U.S.. With respect to the overseas bases, our country has been far safer because of them. Most civilians are usually unaware of the many crises prevented and averted (not reflecting on you, specifically; you may well know). Those bases have long been deterrents or launch points for special missions. At least families there are not separated from each other for long periods of time (like with sea cruises or combat zones). The military should move people less often when possible and the country should recognize the sacrifice, service, and harm the families go through to keep our country safer. The military provides more assistance now than they did in the past, but they should offer more, such as counseling, for example. They should find a way for children to occasionally return to the bases they called home after they have grown up, should the base still exist. Recognition and closure helps. The public seems to try to honor the service of vets more now than immediately after the Viet Nam war and that's a good thing. (Paying more taxes to take care of them would be better.) But the vets are not the only ones who sacrifice.
I agree with the overall psychological and familial concepts that you are espousing, but I cannot agree with the military or foreign policy that you are talking about. And I am not trying to take away from Mr. Rosenberg's discussion about trauma. I am trying to add to it. Post 9/11, the US has become more dangerous and less free due to the wars in the Middle East. Foreign interventionism, entanglements and wars lead to blowback. I am no fan of Islam, but I can't blame how they respond to the US and Allied occupation of their lands. And even though I do not support the wars or the troops, wounded and traumatized soldiers should be fully taken care of. But they should not be taken care of by taxpayers. They should be taken care of by the corporations that make billions from taxpayer-funded government contracts. It is quite a painful thing to have to wake up to the fact that your life was negatively impacted by narcissistic parents. But if that's the truth, then facing it is the only way to healing and recovery. Likewise, it's a painful thing to realize that the US government and the corporations it serves are causing problems for the American people by waging these wars. But if that's the truth, then facing it is the only way to healing and recovery. I recommend, for starters, the writing of Chalmers Johnson and the You Tube channels The Corbett Report and HighImpactFlix. Take care.
7 лет назад+2
yea we should cry for a voluntary military who accepts orders to kill children and call them collateral. give me a fucking break.. i can tell you firsthand.. most military members are there for what they couldnt get at home because of the economy or area they are from... they want to pay for school and DONT GIVE A SHIT what they destroy to accomplish that. they can leave any time they want ... this isnt fucking north korea. ok?
So much anger and profanity in your post. Don't blame the soldiers. They follow the orders of the President authorized (and paid for) by the House and Senate, all elected by us. We all bear a lot of the blame. The service members have sworn oaths and they are keeping them. If you don't like those orders, vote, donate, work, and demonstrate to persuade Congress and the President to do something different (they want most to be re-elected, after all). We did that with the Viet Nam war. It took a lot of time and effort by a lot of people, but we persuaded the government to get out of that war. Use that anger and frustration in a positive way. Fight to change it. Elect people who agree with you to local office and then support them to run for higher office. Don't blame the military. Yes, some volunteer soldiers have very few options and live in parts of the country were there are few opportunities for young people who can't afford college. Some of them are in desperate circumstances. Why are you so angry at them? At least they are earning their financial aid. They give up many of their rights and freedoms and many endure extreme hazards to earn that benefit. I have personally seen a lot of young people who did not serve but get grants and scholarships for free who come to school, goof off, party, and flunk out. That's not what the veterans do. The veterans are disciplined and work hard to make the most out of that aid. There are as many motivations for being in the military as there are people serving, so generalizing is not accurate. I can't vouch for all branches of the service, but fighter pilots are there for something entirely different from earning financial aid for school. Officers already have degrees, so that's not the motivation for them. And, yes, some service members just like big explosions and guns and violence. Many service members do struggle with carrying out questionable orders. Some resign. Some refuse unlawful orders. Others at higher ranks work from inside to better educate the President and members of Congress about the impact of the use of military force (where that's possible). Simple anger and blame alone does not accomplish anything positive. Take that anger and let it energize you to work for change.
My Dad put a perfection bug in me very early when I just started going to pre school.. I became a human doing then, I would be praised for being an intelligent kid just like him..learning things faster.. learning skating faster.. learning basketball faster.. I had to outdo my siblings n neighborhood kids. If I got a second position in class I would be so terrified to lose his admiration because that meant I wasn't good enough.. I had let him down. In my college I got into a serious fight with one of my faculty members because they lowered my grade due to attendance shortfall.. n I became the bad girl.. everytime I needed his support in my personal battles he would back off I felt cheated n betrayed.. when I scored well he would pop up to take the credit of being my dad..
I think i have heard you mention about working with addicts... I'm not sure of other kind of addicts...but I've had opportunity to observe alcoholics and smokers in my life... To heal an addict you need to know their problems first... i know u told me of how you got out of your smoking addiction... I don't smoke or drink... but i have been tolerant enough with a few of them to observe their reasons... Here's the story... I worked in a competitive corporate world living in my own set of rules and standards, not willing to break it... i got to work with a friend who smoked and asked her how she could smoke... i was shocked hearing her reasons to smoke and drink... she said, "it's in the smoking zones and bars you get to hear many secrets of the higher authorities you work with" ... this got me curious and decided to accompany her to all her smoke breaks... i may have been with her for a few breaks... people were really not comfortable when i entered the smoke zone, they went silent... but i had the opportunity to read their body language to find who has authority over whom and other things... Did you know smoking has it's own body language?? Or did u miss because you were a smoker yourself?? NO! i was not the smoker have to stay conscious to observed the underlying messages... and NO i do not mind walking into a smoking zone or bar to read the culprits around me... i do it willingly without hesitation, except i do not become one of them and yes, it is tough to get information out of them when they are not comfortable with you... no wonder the other girl smoked to be a part of that group... After all addiction is a conflict of inner self confidence or values and personality as per my observation... you need to gain trust to enter or gain their private information... i did not need to hear them speak.. words can be misleading, so i observe... i didn't need to gain their trust.. Eg: if in 3 to 4 smoking managers, you can see the way he exhaled the smoke with his head tilt high to the sky, speaks of dominating, crave for power and authority,confidence... he is 90% the boss... if the boss' subordinate shows that sign, the boss is lazy and this person is the right hand who gets the job done for the boss... 2. Never trust the person who exhale the smoke through the side of his lips (except for side, the whole lip is sealed): he is covert, liar, manipulative... some show signs of bending and smoking out on themselves.. same... I believe you people have a study on that too... This just popped up because i had been seeing someone smoke in a far terrace from my building 2 to 3 times now....
Wow! Ross, what a gem-filled , eye-opening experience, watching your video. I was quite gob-smacked with your presentation & so nicely balanced against Cinderella's dramatization of her own childhood trauma!! :) I am currently involved with handling an individual with multiple present day life consequences after this same scourge. I deeply appreciate the illumination you have rendered to my understanding. May your good humored work continue and assist more of those in desperate need of answers. My very best wishes, Calvin.
my husband said I have PTSD, that's how I know. but who's gave it to me. i suspect it was him. but also, i was not allow to be upset when he gaslight me, just to confirm what mom said about me thousands of times over, that no one love me, i'm not good enough, why can't have any friends, or getting along with anyone, even my husband, and he loves me. i know mom, but you don't know about him. he is just like dad, something it took me a long time to have thought and know about it. that this is true, and not identifiable by any mean resembling the fact that dad beats us up. but this one doesn't, he just dissappeared without telling me where he's going to, and when he'll ever want to be back. I can't get mad or upset about him, when he punishing me like gaslighting, because, that means I'm myself, and dening himself, as this righteous, being above and convincing one. just like dad, who beats me up, and asked why I tear, and why can't I tell him why i cried, so he slapped me more viciously, anyway, not letting me speak up.
should a boy be conditioned to be embarrassed of admiring female characters? doesn't that teach him to amputate his feelings? what does it say about how he will view women as an adult.
I was bothered by his comment as well and wondered if anyone else had the same reaction I did. Why in the world should a boy be embarrassed of admiring a female character?? You ask good questions, Ashley_Martin Dunn.
Might it depend on the extent of the admiration, what the female is being admired for, and your response to the admiration? Can you expound on what you mean? Is there another word we can use for 'admiration' so that we can understand the full scope of how this word is being used?
@@bananian I'd need to listen to the video again, since I heard it 11 months ago and don't remember the context to which I commented on. Do you happen to know where in the video the original poster is commenting on?
This could explain my severe form of Crohn's disease.. and i can"t remember anything. But recently i have been having flash backs.THANK YOU SOOOO FOR SOLVING THE PUZZLE!!! Eva, Belgium
There is some genetic component which causes each one to react differently to the same trauma. I became altruistic but I also have been diagnosed with C-PTSD.
I really agree with you, and thanks for saying that and sharing the information. Interesting!!! Wish more therapists knew it too!! Some seem so backwards!!! Ughhh! 😣😣😣😣😥😥😥
Alex Klatt I think it also can come out in different ways for different scenarios and can evolve over time with age and accumulation of varying experiences. And unfortunately, once you become self-aware of certain triggers and reactions, in the beginning of attempted self-improvement and healing, it brings out the complexity and shame and pain needing to be identified and sorted out, and WHOOOOO can it be ugly!!!!! Jealousy may bring out the green-eyed monster, but SHAME brings out the black-eyed monster 😑
I was the oldest, took all their responsibilities on me, only in my 40 I begun to be conscientious of that and that was an angry period. All my life I have been running from love & marriage. Now I have problems with my 30y old sun, who is narcissistic by nature and partly it was my doing too, making sacrifices in order that someone loves me. Is it too late?
This is really dark humor: drunk Disneyland Cinderella refuses to hug 6yr old girl and pushes her mother. Even darker and tragic of the mother having a melt down in front of that poor 6yr old and being hauled to jail because of own narcissistic rage. Thanks for deconstructing and clarifying the trauma spectrum. Good to know
i too feel that way. in my 30's i was able to open my own business but at 40 i was exhausted by conflict. i developed extreme phobia of conflict because i was taught to please people. i was ranted at that i was going to be a bad person if i did not please people. Especially how to please a husband by being subservient. i fought against it. Now am 57 and never married or long-term relationship although i wanted it. i was too nice and did not stand up for myself. i am exhausted and reclusive and have GAD. had to move back home and live where the long-term trauma and neglect as and I have flashbacks and only want to stay in a fetal position. I sweat from my face and my eyes and my nose runs when I am doing hair so I am not working now. I need help.
I recognise so much of myself in your discussions but I can't pull all the threads together to make sense, nor find a therapist to help. I can clearly see that my mental health has worsened with each trauma I've experienced, and cam recognise a turning point of decline, but don't ķnow what to do next and can't find help. I'm very scared that I'll break.
Hi Saskia, I hear you. It's tough but you can do this! EMDR is a form of therapy which I found more supportive than only talk-based therapy. A qualified EMDR therapist could support you if you are interested. Good luck and all the very best to you.
omg PRAISE GOD I hear the lord using this man everything God has taught me personally about childhood trauma he is reiterating really don't know why many Christians see psychology as evil I have always been fascinated with how the mind works and emotions. I cant wait till I receive more inner healing and address my childhood trauma more Deeply I will become a therapist . Here's a prayer for anyone who would like to heal more deeply . On the cross a curse Jesus became his heart was broken and burst from carrying all the worlds pain . He loved us all with an UNCONDITIONAL love , it doesn't matter who is reading this Atheist , Budhist he loves you. his stripes were for healing and restoration of mind body and soul. Ask him jesus in to your heart today, our problems may not go away but he will give you courage to face all life pain and overcome it because jesus reigns . Eternal his kingdom is one of light, righteousness and justice much love
im sickly codependeny (miserable ) & also experience terrible ptsd, major dissociation and depersonalization. Do you know of any psychs or therapists in houston, tx? i am not sure where in my childhood that the trauma accured, had a pretty rough childhood.
Thank you Ross. This is the best explanation. How can I find the follow up on the therapy needed. I'm an American living and working in Cambodia. If I have one shot, what's the best? Your next video? Your book?
This was very enlightening. I know that I've undergone trauma, I remember the details but I don't really feel anything towards it. That made me think that it wasn't so bad but I remember I was terrified each time it happened. I can't really remember in an episodic way what happened, just in a factual way with little bits and pieces of episodic memory. I feel like I'm suffering from the side effects of this trauma because I just don't feel safe a lot of the time which makes sense- the trauma was caused by my dad and my mum was not sympathetic about it at all so home wasn't really a safe place.
I’ve put up walls now. I’d rather be alone and lonely than relive my trauma over perceived abandonment and rejection. I’m harmful to others. It’s just better to be alone.
I don't know if you still need/want to hear this, but healing is possible and everyone including you deserves love and companionship if that is what they want.
so if we can't process our trauma, how do we expect to heal from it? if we're told what is wrong with us we're expected to not be able to process it? I mean, how does that work? Is that not in itself negative thinking and narcissism at its finest?
"And maybe an androgynous five year old boy. He's not old enough to know that's embarrassing." So... in the middle of talking about childhood trauma, a licensed mental health professional is shaming a hypothetical child for not performing masculinity. I wonder what gender-based trauma he's putting his own children or clients through. How is that something you can just... get away with as a psychotherapist and face no repercussions for?
@@Paarthurnaxdova You're ignoring thousands of years of human history and culture. Pretty much every human civilization has had more than two. Widen your google search or don't open your mouth.
I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD from my childhood trauma from being raised by a NPD parent. I am currently just beginning using EMDR and so far I am impressed with it. I do have very vivid dreams post an EMDR season but it seem to be helping with the processing. Do you have any experience with how well EMDR works for C-PTSD?
Guys, I need help. I'm the golden child, the youngest of three, my mom's a full-blown Narc. I became a narcissist myself, but had to liberate myself from the guilt, now my False-Self is gone and I no longer feel like a child. I rather die than face the truth. Is there a way to reverse this and go back to being a Narc? I'm trying to act like myself from the past, but that doesn't come naturally to me anymore and it scares the hell out of me. How can I suppress the anger to the point of reversing back to being a child and restoring my False-Self again? This has gone too far. There must be some way to go back. Oh, God, I will never forgive myself for finding out about my trauma. I literally feel that I have moved so far ahead that nothing of my False-Self is left. I wasn't aware of the consequences when I wanted to break free. Damn it. Please help me. And please, DON'T POST COMMENTS ABOUT MOVING FORWARD 'cause I can't even stand the thought of it and I rather die.
I never was in denial of my childhood trauma or was it or has it been buried in my subconscious. I've always been aware of it. I just didn't deal with it or know how to deal with it and what to do with it because I was in denial that I needed help about it which I'm now getting through therapy. I have been into self-help books for years however and that has also helped in many ways. It's not enough to read books or watch videos, one has to do the inner work as well and so do the narcissists who don't believe in therapy and are also in denial that they need any help like my late narcissistic father, former late father in law and my late originally covert narcissistic emotionally abusive husband. Female narcissists can be like this as well, but I still think this is more prevalent in our society with men since they're mostly raised with that air of patriarchal male narcissistic entitlement and Donald Trump takes the cake in that area, imho!
Daughter of a narc father. I had to completely cut him out of my life changed my last name and never looked back. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself.
$115 for the full length video? Seriously? I can understand that amount for attending the seminar, but for the video? Also I once heard a funny statement by the late Dr Richard Rockefeller. That is the effectiveness of treatment for any given ailment is inversely proportional to the number of treatments available for that ailment. Just look at how many medications and therapies there are for the common cold in the pharmacy as an example. This seems like just another treatment to add the pile of failed treatments for trauma. Are there any publications or research papers showing how effective this particular method is?
you can probably find what you need online for free, we're all unique so we all respond differently, if you look long and hard enough you'll find the help you need.
Ross, I have a question. I just realized that I am living with a very covert narcissist and I don’t know how to get him out of my apartment and my life without him maybe succeeding in making me feel like a bad person for putting him and his dog out of my apartment. Please direct me on how to discreetly and carefully make this move as to avoid vindictiveness. Because of your you tube videos, I have made an appointment with a psychotherapist in my area here in LIttle Rock, AR. Before I attend my first session, is there a particular psychotherapist you recommend in my area? Thank you for all you do. Thank you for helping me grow. May God bless you and yours! Lisa
Dr. Ross - I love you, you get me. You are the most handsome and the most brilliant man I have come across who is a genius and a very giving person. May god bless you, you have my heart.. it’s broken but I will give it to you ❤️
No Labels my mom did! She was super narcissistic and super religious. She would beat me daily for not acting or being like she wanted. I was terrified of her growing up. Now I have kicked her out of my life, left the Christian path and am fully codependent with narcissistic tendencies. She ruined me
There are no perfect people anywhere. If someone says hateful things to you, just laugh and tell them to stick their thumb up their butt. Don't be dependant on a human.
Dr Pius Ozigbe is Always on time. compassionate. Empathetic. easy to take to and relates exceptionally well. Hands down the most effective and efficient doctor I recommend him. thank you doctor..
Hi Ross, I admire your work and I love your book. You said Codependency is a symptom of other problems. I know you mentioned attachment disorder, Can you name some More problems that result with codependency symptoms?
Intro song. Love it! Reminds me of Clapton. 🤗 Anyway, I am going in fierce on this recovery. You are on alert in all notifications. Love You RR! Thank you for your dedication.
Hello Ross, I fall in the second but probably third continuum coz i have very high level of suppression. I have been in therapy on and off and nothing seem to release the inner world of feelings & emotions, i get demotivated quickly. What should i do?
try EMDR for complex PTSD. six sessions and omg I'm immune from narcs, no longer anorexic, have firm and flexible boundaries and have 100% self acceptance.
I can remember a lot of the abuse, enough to let me identify it as abuse and cut off the abuser and any of their supporters. But what I CAN'T remember because I was too young, I prefer to keep buried because I think knowing would kill me.
that was funny...ty for explaining the trauma child. rejection, trauma...all follow into adulthood. the play is often repeated...how sad it comes out in the wash. so on spot. do not even feel safe around a new neighbor. flashbacks are so bad it s not fun to deal with....such is life. this is one reason why i worked with ptsd kids. so complex...so misunderstood.
The "objective criteria" in the DSM that you refer to are in fact not objective at all. They are subjective and arbitrary, arrived at thru consensus. The DSM is a political document, not a scientific one.
yep. created by people who think they know it all. it would be just pathetic if it didn't stigmatize people on top of the damage done to them that caused their suffering in the first place. makes it so easy for DMS believers to put a label on you and not having to deal with you as a severely hurt fellow human being. all the best to you!!
Naomi that's the ideal situation, but it is not the one many people experience. I believe the psychiatric field has a LOT to atone for for the people it has further harmed.
Imagine how the five year-old Daughter of slain Phliando Castille's child and Her Mother felt as they sat in the back of the same cruiser that the murderer drove perhaps watching them for hours after their loved ones blood yet covered them.
Rose, Im just curious, because of my own theory of a possible contributer of dyslexia. Are you or any of your family members left handed? My Grandmother became dyslexic after a teacher forced her to write with right hand because she was a south paw and i dont guess being a left hander was proper back then. I can see that being a shock to a kids system. As an adult, if I were forced to write something of importance with my left hand and it be legable, Id be S.O.L.! My son writes with his left, with excellent (pendmenship), throws a baseball with his right but bats left, etc. He is ambidextrious and Ive always thought he has a very mild form of dyslexia. If there is a such thing as mild. Ive heard that its common for trauma and abuse can be a culprit of stuttering...
Not really. But it is very interesting. I really don't know anyone in my family that is a lefty. I was forced to try to be right handed too. In the 3rd grade my dyslexia showed up along with other learning disabilities. I wouldn't mind hearing more of what you find out. I went through a great deal of Trauma as a child. I also had some repressed memories, but most I think I retained. Every once in awhile I'll hit a Tigger, and get a new a memory. I hope this helps with your research.
Ive got some deeply repressed things i think. Not sure though. Could be that i draw a big blank as far as my childhood goes for a few years and maybe it was just a reallu uneventful time...
I was 15, i'll just needed 3 more years turnin 18 and be my own man.... Like i was thsn able to make my own money, get a car, amd live in my own rules...
“It hurts so much that we can’t feel it” that made me tear because is so true😪
Agree with you!!! 😣😣😣
I know
This is the most frightening thing
And therefore have a difficult time articulating it (for me anyway).
After you experience so many years of it, makes you feel numb.
Childhood trauma can really screw you up. Work on yourself. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON.
Yeah, true Carla, but it's can be very hard to find good help now, it seems!!! 😣😣😣😥😥😥
You are right but some people like me never win. I always think of exit way.
Thank you Gretta ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It's puzzling how repressed memories continue to modify our behaviour and response to stimulus even though the memories are inaccessible. It would be great to have a video on that.
Traumatized at 5 yrs old and up now I'm 41 with a husband and kids no reason at all to not be happy yet my past always haunts my mind
It's weird to me childhood never affected me until now. All the memories, flashbacks, ugly truth keeps replaying in my mind and I used to hate when people used it as a cruch but at this time it is literally paralyzing how I move forward. I need help with this
Me also. I feel a darkness rising from within. Not an 'evil' darkness, but a foreboding feeling similar to a primal fear. It's not the type of fear I'd feel for example if someone jumped out of a corner to scare me. It's not a fleeting fear which I could giggle about and get over. It's more like the fear of having been in a scary place for a long time, and I'm just now realizing it. I'm thinking to myself "What the heck. Where'd this come from?"
It's called late ptsd. Happens in adult age.
When you're reacing safe area and can rethink your past.
What @Laniakea said. The stuff comes up when you’re in an emotional space to be able to deal with it. I’m going through this myself right now, and I’m seeing a counselor who specializes in trauma recovery. May you find good help.
Those are my thoughts and feelings in the last 2 very tough, desperate at many points, years
I'm so very sorry.
I am proud to say I reached the most helpful perspective regarding my childhood trauma: I am not a child anymore. I am safe now and I know I can take care of my needs and love myself now.
I understand the reasons I was abused and figured out why I became a Codependent.
I choose to be aware of my behavior towards myself and others. I will not do to others what has wrongly done to me.
💕 Amor Fati 💕
That is wonderful. I am on that way because of a narc abuse. Can I ask you how is your love life; do you have a healthy partner relationship or you also had/have sldd&narc relationship? Hope my question reaches you.
🙏
@@natalijamartina I was raised in a master- slave dynamic and it hurt me for life. I end up married to a malignant narcissist.
I was on my way to my grave when my defenses finally kicked in and scape slavery. From my mom and from my husband.
I am on my journey towards well being
And learning how to be a sovereign human being for the first time in my life.
Love is foreign to me because I was hated as well.
I have no love life because I am still working on myself. I want to reach certain level of mental health before trying romance again.
For now I will continue to focus on my well being.
If I am well then love will come easy.
when you speak I feel a sense of calm because everything you say is so true for me, and it makes me have hope that there are those out there who understand what I am going through. It alleviates the loneliness somewhat. I can't thank you enough
Lack of self identity I feel guilty if I rest or spend money on myself after a childhood of being told I was not good enough fall of faults a disappointment a burden useless
Full of faults damn predictive texts I was encouraged to be useful look after my lonely grandma or depressed father my role as child and teenager to be a care giver
That’s interesting . I feel a huge amount of debilitating guilt all the time . Like nothing I’m doing is good enough 🤔
I can relate to that feeling of being a burden on others and always expending all my energy to please others.
Same...
This is so sad.... We hold onto things that just don't serve us and stops us from enjoying life to its fullest....
So let it go....just let it go. Jump over your dark shadows. I am doing that!!! It's hard but I'm being brave!
Thank you so much, Ross!! ....the answers are here....it's never too late to heal this...my heart goes out to others who are suffering ... and years of being misunderstood... 💓
Watching some videos on trauma, half of the speeches in general talk about the speakers qualifications, and the remaining time is mostly about identifying trauma and it leaving you pain and damage, but very little about how to cure it. I suggest really looking at yourself and your life, during each day, and looking for ways for to be really good to yourself, both with treats and healthwise. I suggest that we have to put back what life / perpetrators have taken from us....also give yourself time every day to do some hobbies (or start some) to relax, playing with art is especially good, and pets, if you don't one, as they are empathetic and intuitive to our feelings.
I agree so much with your comment.
Totally. It's how experts build research and careers- on the backs of people in pain. Literally.
Do you mean "put back" as forgiving them? Cuz I dont think I can. Becuz I cant see why I have to go through this long cure shit for the things that maggot caused, while watching it becomes more and more content in life, everyday, without regreting...
Well, sometimes I do want to get out of this, but as that maggot is my family, I get numb and remember it everyday, thus can't get peace. What do you suggest?
@@trangtran7674 the numbness protects you. You start to see the patterns. People in your life, you will see, begin to show the same characteristic as your abuser
Sometimes when you recognize it, it may be real, or not. Look to see if what you feel about that person is real, or not. Your ego is reminding, and protecting, you. It makes you crazy, but your NOT.
It's just you remembering.
@@whotelakecity2001 we need them to build research. Eventually the research will help us. They don't yet know how to fix it. I find that trying to turn my thoughts to neutral when I first realize it is going it hit me helps. Slowly you can bring in the positive. Just try to go blank, numb. Don't fight the thoughts, that makes them stronger. You don't have to forgive
PTSD is not the only trauma disorder, there are many dissociative disorders that are directly linked to disorganised attachment. When he said it hurts so much we can’t feel it. That’s part of dissociative amnesia and the person has probably never felt safe.
I know this was some years ago, if you get this, could you point me toward this? On a discovery journey and many areas are "in the dark"
I'm the youngest of 5, mums full narcissist, dad was co dependant, we lived next door to a migrant facility where the residents brought me up, if it wasn't for their kindness I would of been much worse off.
JoJoZep ofthejungle wow that's insane!!
beth shadowen I got a lot of love from my mother's dogs, I would hide in the kennel overnight if house full of touchy feely drunks & she never found me lol
JoJoZep ofthejungle , that’s sounds like a cool plot to a migrant movie. 🎥
Bless them JO JO. I had a grandmother who did the same thing for me.
🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
I believe everyone who's been hurt or abused in life are like angels with broken wings. If emotion was a tap ours have been left running until there's only tiny drops left but yet we still manage to drink from it to keep ourselves alive because what else can we do:hopefully one day we will fill the cup to the top with water and learn to love ourselves again.my only true friend has been my misery and pain but remember tomorrow is a new day.
Thank you, that was really a nice thing to say!!! My cup is half-empty but I know i'm the only one who can fill it.
Thank you for this informative lecture. I have suffered with ongoing issues since as far back as i can remember. I am currently receiving support and i pray that i can continue living the rest of my life as 'normal' as possible
numbed until triggered 😕
Janny Jan yup sure understand this.
Anger management?? Anyone?
Awwwwww!!! GBU 🤗🤗😏🤗
Eugh... way to sum my life up in 3 words. 💯 👍🏼
True
i just ended a one year friendship with a woman who is 60 years old and still talks endlessly about her mother's mental illness and neglect of her as a child. She disparaged my hobbies and wanted me all to herself. I think she was looking for a codependent relationship and i've been through that before so i had to let her go but i feel terrible about it. I wish her the best. i think i dodged a bullet tho.
She sounds like a narcissist 👍
Feelings have an attachment two her
@@MT-sw8rf That is what I thought too. Could possibly be a covert narcissist. They love to use the victim card over and over and over again.
Wow - That is so powerful that you have completely nailed it. WOW - FIRST time in 41 years that something has finally made sense to me. Thank you. Now, I can work towards healing it!
To: Ross
This has saved my life. I mean this: I’ve been searching and searching, and now my questions have been answered by finding your channel & I thank you 😊
Glad I could help!
This lecture reminds me of a book from the olden days "Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step By Step Guide To Discovery And Recovery" by Wayne Kritsberg and what called chronic shock. This gives me better structure to understand it. Also, I saw Albert Ellis say that all of us respond differently to abuse and trauma. This confirms what I have seen. TY.
I just wanted to say how much your videos really helped me! I realized I dated two people with different personalities but the same attachment style (avoidant) attachment! As I am a sld and can fully recognize it.....and more than anything I have to pick someone with a healthy attachment! (I have never noticed it before but after reading more into it it’s so much easier to recognize!). What made me pick two people with avoidant attachment I think 🤔 it was the thrill of the chase! But now I know better... and am learning every day...
Thank you so much for sharing!!!
I would also suggest you to explore Ross's full-length video seminars to help you: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads
I had a tricky situation a few days ago. Someone I lived with and was virtually family-member to me, lied to me a lot. I got into the habit of forgetting the lies soon after he told them. Sometimes he would steal from me but I had no hard evidence.
What is significant about this story is that he took me into his confidence regarding some issues in his life.
One day a Tennant who rented one of our family properties told me that he had been talking behind my back. A light bulb sudd went on.
I knew I was being stolen from and lied to. I knew it and tried to live around it like an elephant in the room. My consciousness when my Tennant spoke to me awoke. I "saw" what had been going on.
Where had I been for all the times I was lied to? I had been busy trying to accommodate things I had no business accommodating.
I planned to tell my sister about it. I found myself sifting the information I told my sister in order to protect this person. I felt obligated to do so.
It was only after talking to my sister that my own behavior became apparent to me. I felt obligated to protect some who had hurt me in so many different ways.
I realised that we keep on repeating the patters formed by our trauma. It is not surprising that my life whole life feels hazy. I do not recall events in my life.
I try to disguise it by pretending that I remember incidents that I actually do not remember.
It is a strange life, one I feel I have not lived. it as if I have been sleepwalking throughout my life.
I now practice mindfulness because I no longer want my own life to feel like " hearsay" to me.
We do forget because it's painful and we keep on forgetting, pretending and re-enacting our trauma. This video is really precious. It validates our unvalidatec lives.
Spectacular video. I appreciate this profoundly, & esp to get this without having to pay for an academic course. Very needed. Many thanks.
I really appreciate your dedication to this field and to advancing our understanding of these important issues. I appreciate the quality of your content here. Thank you for doing this and for sharing your work. I wish you a lot of success.
I'm sorry but it's not just one particular trauma, in my case. it's a lifetime of trauma. I am in therapy and I feel worse. I'm remembering all this stuff I buried and it just makes me feel worse about my shitty life.
Look into emdr..
ASMRyouVEGANyet? Me to hun 😢
Please do not do this to yourself. I have lived this myself, started therapy, things have gotten worse but I have to believe they will get better. It is just raw right now, like I am truly reliving it. But I too stuffed it all down, I didn’t feel it then, so I believe by now feeling it, as painful as it is, is what I need to do to finally get past this. I am 55 years, and want to live my life MY way now. It is like a rebirth. Peace and love to you.
Keep pushing through. It’s gotta get worse before it gets better, just because we’ve got to actually feel and process all the horrible stuff before getting through to the other side
@Whizper2me i love all of those things, but I just was just diagnosed with C-PTSD. Having a chance to one day to feel loved is worth it.
This explains so many things I’ve wondered about
Ross, This is outstanding! Thank you!
I'm living a broken record and I'm physically and mentally breaking down. I feel as though there is only one way out
and I cannot afford help
Just Keep Living.
Go on line to the Tiny Buddha. Letting go of difficult emotions by Lori deschene. The entire site is devoted to dealing with these problems.
You want some suggestions that won’t cost you thousands by going to endless therapists, books, seminars?? Go find your local NA group and attend a meeting... but before you say that you don’t have a drug problem, let me tell you that the program does cover not using drugs and that’s the small part of it...it’s all about you and being able to confront the issues we bury deep that cause us to do and feel the way we do about ourselves...in short it’s about changing oneself and finding a new way to live life on life’s terms....ohh btw it’s free!
@Jacky Lacroix very thoughtful, Jacky, thank you for those words. Very wise and kind.
When your child (children) suffers a traumatic events between 3-8 yrs old effects everyone that loves them. Sadly they are victimized over and over again through out life.
So Simplistic of explanations , you don't know what is real mental pain and suffering man , till you have it yourself .
Lennox what he says makes sense. It's only simplistic so it is easier to understand. Literally anything in anyone's life can cause trauma. Just because he didn't mention your trauma doesn't mean it isn't trauma. Don't negate your past
How are you so sure he doesn't have awful experiences just like you?
that sounds quite narcisstic. Their pain is the only most important ... others dont exist. The video must be about me, or otherwise I cant use it to manipulate others, so I can cry some more for attention, so a video can be made just for me. Then I can make the victim charade prolong.
He did
Ross, Thanks for this video. Loved that you presentation was not well-reheated, flawed (3 missing) and you came across as authentic and grounded. The Disneyworld trauma example worked very well in supporting and clarifying the different degrees of trauma. Suggest next time video recording so slides are more easily legible or even making them an attachment. Good Job!
I believe the healing process is on a spiritual level and you have to go inside yourself and "peel the layers back". I felt like an onion at one point and time because its painful but the release and Love that comes after is awesome. We seem to shame ourselves for abuse when endured as children and its not our fault. And we hold onto like those little kids forever and our adult lives are shaped by our child self is trying to hide from the world. It wasnt our fault. Children are innocent. There are no "bad" children! I had been healing for a few years and Ive got to a point that I dont remember. There are a few key memories, but for the most part, I cant remember much of anything of my childhood up until I was about 7 years old. And knowing how some of the repressed stuff works, it makes me wonder. At the same time I dont want that thought creating anything thats not there (maybe?) or I dont want to try to dig because I believe its a delicate layer to pull back that can have a bad effect. Trigger (?)... I also dont know how, if i wanted to just draw something out, any effective delicate ways to assist in my remembering. Or couldve just been somewhat un-eventful and repetitive so it just seems like i dont remember. (? is that a possibility?
There is no easy or quick way around it. Its a process. We just have to trust that process. When we peel those layers back, and cry, because it is painful, we are releasing that pain instead of holding on to it. At the same time we are knowing our self and what makes us tick. None of it is easy but, is very worth it. I say and I try to apply this on all things, that pain is a tool for wisdom gained when we can see the pain, release it, which means we've learned from it and rise above. Ascention on this plain, toward our best self. Blessings come in disguise. Healing is a beautiful thing. I cant remember how the saying goes, something along the lines of a seed cracks and breaks and must come totally undone before it sprouts and grows into itself, the beautiful flower. To the outside world the process looks like total chaos...
Ive had a whole lot of things "peeled back", that all I could say was WHOA! But I dont know why Im repressing so much of my childhood. I try to remember and theres a few things it seems that im remembering, the same things. Not trying to force anything thats not showing itself yet. I just dont understand why I cant remember much but a few memories... Theyll surface when Im ready I suppose. Or Im looking for things that arent there...(?) Many blessings to you on your path of healing 💖 I believe it leads us to our journey as healers... See your strength!
⬆⬆ none of it is easy BUT is very worth it i shouldve said... And there is no delicate way to pull back those layers except being delicate on yourself. By that i mean forgiving yourself. No harsh judgement or shaming the self, for example...
Thank-you for your contribution to my healing journey. It is as you say. Transformation is intense and healing the emotions through the method you describe is paramount. ❤️🕊️
Why would I want to "feel" the pain I feel, when it is painful and I am tired of feeling pain and suffering in this life?
Hiya.. Well, we need to release the painful emotions that lockus into our behavioral patterns and hence negative lifestyles/relationships. When the painful feelings/traumas within our mind are released, then we feel better and our relationships get better. But, during therapy / mediatation, along the way, the emotions tend to come out, and we do feel them. It's better to feel a bit of suffering, as we get to the root of things, and release them, than to leave them buried, only to keep on affecting our lives in a negative way. It's like detoxing the mind. I'm a Buddhist, and through the many meditation techniques there are, the forces within our minds, that are usually hidden, come out. So, some uncomfortable feelings arise, then .... GONE ...!
Mr J so true I've done the pain and the negative behaviour and not I'm in the dealing stage
Like the relief experienced when a boil is lanced and all the high pressure pus ejaculates from the wound.
u feel pain because your in dysfunctional relationships which are cyclic. but the fact that you are here show that your are opening eyes to the truth and healing. the pain you feel is not because of you but because of others that yuou have relationship with. after you end this relationship you wont feel pain bit void, which means you'll get closer to the problem. after you feel this void by releasing trauma and startin to love youself and be able to be by yourself without feeling lonely and seeking happiness or validation externally you are healed. after these you can go look for relationships and grow and become happier and happier have fun and live life fulfilled.
Chicacherrycolalime So well said.
Imagine a child in a military family that moves often and lives in a lot of different places and cultures. No long term friends or much contact with grandparents or other relatives. The child lives with guns and war implements (aircraft, tanks, etc.) and alerts (sirens, etc.). The child knows that other counties have targeted his base with nuclear missiles. A parent engages in hazardous training and is frequently deployed to combat situations. That parent returns different but trying to re-integrate with the family, often not successfully. We should care for these military families and children better than we do. We should recognize and appreciate their sacrifices, too.
A simpler solution would be to not have military bases overseas. It would be better for military families and better for the world.
Appreciate the thought. But most moves were to bases within the continental U.S.. With respect to the overseas bases, our country has been far safer because of them. Most civilians are usually unaware of the many crises prevented and averted (not reflecting on you, specifically; you may well know). Those bases have long been deterrents or launch points for special missions. At least families there are not separated from each other for long periods of time (like with sea cruises or combat zones).
The military should move people less often when possible and the country should recognize the sacrifice, service, and harm the families go through to keep our country safer. The military provides more assistance now than they did in the past, but they should offer more, such as counseling, for example. They should find a way for children to occasionally return to the bases they called home after they have grown up, should the base still exist. Recognition and closure helps.
The public seems to try to honor the service of vets more now than immediately after the Viet Nam war and that's a good thing. (Paying more taxes to take care of them would be better.) But the vets are not the only ones who sacrifice.
I agree with the overall psychological and familial concepts that you are espousing, but I cannot agree with the military or foreign policy that you are talking about. And I am not trying to take away from Mr. Rosenberg's discussion about trauma. I am trying to add to it.
Post 9/11, the US has become more dangerous and less free due to the wars in the Middle East. Foreign interventionism, entanglements and wars lead to blowback. I am no fan of Islam, but I can't blame how they respond to the US and Allied occupation of their lands.
And even though I do not support the wars or the troops, wounded and traumatized soldiers should be fully taken care of. But they should not be taken care of by taxpayers. They should be taken care of by the corporations that make billions from taxpayer-funded government contracts.
It is quite a painful thing to have to wake up to the fact that your life was negatively impacted by narcissistic parents. But if that's the truth, then facing it is the only way to healing and recovery. Likewise, it's a painful thing to realize that the US government and the corporations it serves are causing problems for the American people by waging these wars. But if that's the truth, then facing it is the only way to healing and recovery.
I recommend, for starters, the writing of Chalmers Johnson and the You Tube channels The Corbett Report and HighImpactFlix. Take care.
yea we should cry for a voluntary military who accepts orders to kill children and call them collateral. give me a fucking break.. i can tell you firsthand.. most military members are there for what they couldnt get at home because of the economy or area they are from...
they want to pay for school and DONT GIVE A SHIT what they destroy to accomplish that. they can leave any time they want ... this isnt fucking north korea. ok?
So much anger and profanity in your post. Don't blame the soldiers. They follow the orders of the President authorized (and paid for) by the House and Senate, all elected by us. We all bear a lot of the blame. The service members have sworn oaths and they are keeping them.
If you don't like those orders, vote, donate, work, and demonstrate to persuade Congress and the President to do something different (they want most to be re-elected, after all). We did that with the Viet Nam war. It took a lot of time and effort by a lot of people, but we persuaded the government to get out of that war.
Use that anger and frustration in a positive way. Fight to change it. Elect people who agree with you to local office and then support them to run for higher office.
Don't blame the military. Yes, some volunteer soldiers have very few options and live in parts of the country were there are few opportunities for young people who can't afford college. Some of them are in desperate circumstances.
Why are you so angry at them? At least they are earning their financial aid. They give up many of their rights and freedoms and many endure extreme hazards to earn that benefit. I have personally seen a lot of young people who did not serve but get grants and scholarships for free who come to school, goof off, party, and flunk out.
That's not what the veterans do. The veterans are disciplined and work hard to make the most out of that aid.
There are as many motivations for being in the military as there are people serving, so generalizing is not accurate. I can't vouch for all branches of the service, but fighter pilots are there for something entirely different from earning financial aid for school. Officers already have degrees, so that's not the motivation for them. And, yes, some service members just like big explosions and guns and violence.
Many service members do struggle with carrying out questionable orders. Some resign. Some refuse unlawful orders. Others at higher ranks work from inside to better educate the President and members of Congress about the impact of the use of military force (where that's possible).
Simple anger and blame alone does not accomplish anything positive. Take that anger and let it energize you to work for change.
On the bright side, At least life eventually ends.
yay cant wait
bad news. it doesn't.
Thank You Mr . Rosenberg.
+Sheila Rubenstie you are very welcome!
I’m 42. 10 years of trying to heal my trauma and I still feel just as stuck 😞
Thanks for sharing Carli. Please consider exploring Ross's resources at: www.selfloverecovery.com/ to help you.
My Dad put a perfection bug in me very early when I just started going to pre school.. I became a human doing then, I would be praised for being an intelligent kid just like him..learning things faster.. learning skating faster.. learning basketball faster.. I had to outdo my siblings n neighborhood kids. If I got a second position in class I would be so terrified to lose his admiration because that meant I wasn't good enough.. I had let him down.
In my college I got into a serious fight with one of my faculty members because they lowered my grade due to attendance shortfall.. n I became the bad girl.. everytime I needed his support in my personal battles he would back off I felt cheated n betrayed.. when I scored well he would pop up to take the credit of being my dad..
I think i have heard you mention about working with addicts... I'm not sure of other kind of addicts...but I've had opportunity to observe alcoholics and smokers in my life...
To heal an addict you need to know their problems first... i know u told me of how you got out of your smoking addiction...
I don't smoke or drink... but i have been tolerant enough with a few of them to observe their reasons...
Here's the story... I worked in a competitive corporate world living in my own set of rules and standards, not willing to break it... i got to work with a friend who smoked and asked her how she could smoke... i was shocked hearing her reasons to smoke and drink... she said, "it's in the smoking zones and bars you get to hear many secrets of the higher authorities you work with" ... this got me curious and decided to accompany her to all her smoke breaks... i may have been with her for a few breaks... people were really not comfortable when i entered the smoke zone, they went silent... but i had the opportunity to read their body language to find who has authority over whom and other things...
Did you know smoking has it's own body language?? Or did u miss because you were a smoker yourself?? NO! i was not the smoker have to stay conscious to observed the underlying messages... and NO i do not mind walking into a smoking zone or bar to read the culprits around me... i do it willingly without hesitation, except i do not become one of them and yes, it is tough to get information out of them when they are not comfortable with you... no wonder the other girl smoked to be a part of that group...
After all addiction is a conflict of inner self confidence or values and personality as per my observation... you need to gain trust to enter or gain their private information... i did not need to hear them speak.. words can be misleading, so i observe... i didn't need to gain their trust..
Eg: if in 3 to 4 smoking managers, you can see the way he exhaled the smoke with his head tilt high to the sky, speaks of dominating, crave for power and authority,confidence... he is 90% the boss... if the boss' subordinate shows that sign, the boss is lazy and this person is the right hand who gets the job done for the boss...
2. Never trust the person who exhale the smoke through the side of his lips (except for side, the whole lip is sealed): he is covert, liar, manipulative... some show signs of bending and smoking out on themselves.. same...
I believe you people have a study on that too...
This just popped up because i had been seeing someone smoke in a far terrace from my building 2 to 3 times now....
Wow! Ross, what a gem-filled , eye-opening experience, watching your video. I was quite gob-smacked with your presentation & so nicely balanced against Cinderella's dramatization of her own childhood trauma!! :) I am currently involved with handling an individual with multiple present day life consequences after this same scourge. I deeply appreciate the illumination you have rendered to my understanding. May your good humored work continue and assist more of those in desperate need of answers.
My very best wishes,
Calvin.
Calvin Duffield y
my husband said I have PTSD, that's how I know. but who's gave it to me. i suspect it was him. but also, i was not allow to be upset when he gaslight me, just to confirm what mom said about me thousands of times over, that no one love me, i'm not good enough, why can't have any friends, or getting along with anyone, even my husband, and he loves me. i know mom, but you don't know about him. he is just like dad, something it took me a long time to have thought and know about it. that this is true, and not identifiable by any mean resembling the fact that dad beats us up. but this one doesn't, he just dissappeared without telling me where he's going to, and when he'll ever want to be back. I can't get mad or upset about him, when he punishing me like gaslighting, because, that means I'm myself, and dening himself, as this righteous, being above and convincing one. just like dad, who beats me up, and asked why I tear, and why can't I tell him why i cried, so he slapped me more viciously, anyway, not letting me speak up.
This is really helpful info. Thank you for posting this.
should a boy be conditioned to be embarrassed of admiring female characters? doesn't that teach him to amputate his feelings? what does it say about how he will view women as an adult.
I was bothered by his comment as well and wondered if anyone else had the same reaction I did. Why in the world should a boy be embarrassed of admiring a female character?? You ask good questions, Ashley_Martin Dunn.
Might it depend on the extent of the admiration, what the female is being admired for, and your response to the admiration? Can you expound on what you mean? Is there another word we can use for 'admiration' so that we can understand the full scope of how this word is being used?
@@lynnv8501
You pulling a Jordan Peterson with your word salad?
@@bananian I'd need to listen to the video again, since I heard it 11 months ago and don't remember the context to which I commented on. Do you happen to know where in the video the original poster is commenting on?
It's been a year and your valid question has never been given any response..I find that disheartening
This could explain my severe form of Crohn's disease.. and i can"t remember anything. But recently i have been having flash backs.THANK YOU SOOOO FOR SOLVING THE PUZZLE!!! Eva, Belgium
There is some genetic component which causes each one to react differently to the same trauma. I became altruistic but I also have been diagnosed with C-PTSD.
Alex Klatt ,, my sister is normal, but I’m not. We both went through same stuff. But I believe my sister was babies more.
I really agree with you, and thanks for saying that and sharing the information. Interesting!!! Wish more therapists knew it too!! Some seem so backwards!!! Ughhh! 😣😣😣😣😥😥😥
Alex Klatt I think it also can come out in different ways for different scenarios and can evolve over time with age and accumulation of varying experiences. And unfortunately, once you become self-aware of certain triggers and reactions, in the beginning of attempted self-improvement and healing, it brings out the complexity and shame and pain needing to be identified and sorted out, and WHOOOOO can it be ugly!!!!! Jealousy may bring out the green-eyed monster, but SHAME brings out the black-eyed monster 😑
I was the oldest, took all their responsibilities on me, only in my 40 I begun to be conscientious of that and that was an angry period. All my life I have been running from love & marriage. Now I have problems with my 30y old sun, who is narcissistic by nature and partly it was my doing too, making sacrifices in order that someone loves me. Is it too late?
Not if u due wats rite Anna stop da wrong stuff
thank you for sharing this with the public!
This is really dark humor: drunk Disneyland Cinderella refuses to hug 6yr old girl and pushes her mother.
Even darker and tragic of the mother having a melt down in front of that poor 6yr old and being hauled to jail because of own narcissistic rage.
Thanks for deconstructing and clarifying the trauma spectrum. Good to know
thanks Ross, helpful video.. keep up your excellent work...
i too feel that way. in my 30's i was able to open my own business but at 40 i was exhausted by conflict. i developed extreme phobia of conflict because i was taught to please people. i was ranted at that i was going to be a bad person if i did not please people. Especially how to please a husband by being subservient. i fought against it. Now am 57 and never married or long-term relationship although i wanted it. i was too nice and did not stand up for myself. i am exhausted and reclusive and have GAD. had to move back home and live where the long-term trauma and neglect as and I have flashbacks and only want to stay in a fetal position. I sweat from my face and my eyes and my nose runs when I am doing hair so I am not working now. I need help.
Try Tanglewood fast
Excellent presentation !
I’m so glad I discovered you. ❤️
Look up Tim Fletcher too, and Patrick Doyle... And Dr. Less Carter...
I recognise so much of myself in your discussions but I can't pull all the threads together to make sense, nor find a therapist to help. I can clearly see that my mental health has worsened with each trauma I've experienced, and cam recognise a turning point of decline, but don't ķnow what to do next and can't find help. I'm very scared that I'll break.
Hi Saskia, I hear you. It's tough but you can do this! EMDR is a form of therapy which I found more supportive than only talk-based therapy. A qualified EMDR therapist could support you if you are interested. Good luck and all the very best to you.
omg PRAISE GOD I hear the lord using this man everything God has taught me personally about childhood trauma he is reiterating really don't know why many Christians see psychology as evil I have always been fascinated with how the mind works and emotions. I cant wait till I receive more inner healing and address my childhood trauma more Deeply I will become a therapist . Here's a prayer for anyone who would like to heal more deeply . On the cross a curse Jesus became his heart was broken and burst from carrying all the worlds pain . He loved us all with an UNCONDITIONAL love , it doesn't matter who is reading this Atheist , Budhist he loves you. his stripes were for healing and restoration of mind body and soul. Ask him jesus in to your heart today, our problems may not go away but he will give you courage to face all life pain and overcome it because jesus reigns . Eternal his kingdom is one of light, righteousness and justice much love
The ones who really should have loved you, your parents are the ones who mattered, not gods.
Amen
im sickly codependeny (miserable ) & also experience terrible ptsd, major dissociation and depersonalization. Do you know of any psychs or therapists in houston, tx? i am not sure where in my childhood that the trauma accured, had a pretty rough childhood.
Try sending his books
God took DPDR away from me in 8 days
Thank you Ross. This is the best explanation. How can I find the follow up on the therapy needed. I'm an American living and working in Cambodia. If I have one shot, what's the best? Your next video? Your book?
Books are at your own pace
You described my life in first 2 mins
This was very enlightening. I know that I've undergone trauma, I remember the details but I don't really feel anything towards it. That made me think that it wasn't so bad but I remember I was terrified each time it happened. I can't really remember in an episodic way what happened, just in a factual way with little bits and pieces of episodic memory. I feel like I'm suffering from the side effects of this trauma because I just don't feel safe a lot of the time which makes sense- the trauma was caused by my dad and my mum was not sympathetic about it at all so home wasn't really a safe place.
I’ve put up walls now. I’d rather be alone and lonely than relive my trauma over perceived abandonment and rejection. I’m harmful to others. It’s just better to be alone.
I don't know if you still need/want to hear this, but healing is possible and everyone including you deserves love and companionship if that is what they want.
The audio is too low, thanks
This was deep.. but a complex issue made easy to understand. Will help me to help my BPDers
so if we can't process our trauma, how do we expect to heal from it? if we're told what is wrong with us we're expected to not be able to process it? I mean, how does that work? Is that not in itself negative thinking and narcissism at its finest?
Thank you Ross. You are helping me so much.
"And maybe an androgynous five year old boy. He's not old enough to know that's embarrassing." So... in the middle of talking about childhood trauma, a licensed mental health professional is shaming a hypothetical child for not performing masculinity. I wonder what gender-based trauma he's putting his own children or clients through. How is that something you can just... get away with as a psychotherapist and face no repercussions for?
I completely agree with your comment
I felt considering his job hes pretty tone deaf.
There is only two genders.
@@Paarthurnaxdova You're ignoring thousands of years of human history and culture. Pretty much every human civilization has had more than two. Widen your google search or don't open your mouth.
@@genesismars613 they're mentally ill, moron lest hermaphrodite.
I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD from my childhood trauma from being raised by a NPD parent. I am currently just beginning using EMDR and so far I am impressed with it. I do have very vivid dreams post an EMDR season but it seem to be helping with the processing. Do you have any experience with how well EMDR works for C-PTSD?
Guys, I need help. I'm the golden child, the youngest of three, my mom's a full-blown Narc. I became a narcissist myself, but had to liberate myself from the guilt, now my False-Self is gone and I no longer feel like a child. I rather die than face the truth. Is there a way to reverse this and go back to being a Narc? I'm trying to act like myself from the past, but that doesn't come naturally to me anymore and it scares the hell out of me. How can I suppress the anger to the point of reversing back to being a child and restoring my False-Self again? This has gone too far. There must be some way to go back.
Oh, God, I will never forgive myself for finding out about my trauma. I literally feel that I have moved so far ahead that nothing of my False-Self is left. I wasn't aware of the consequences when I wanted to break free. Damn it. Please help me. And please, DON'T POST COMMENTS ABOUT MOVING FORWARD 'cause I can't even stand the thought of it and I rather die.
Good material, but such a shame there's no zoom in on the slides!
I never was in denial of my childhood trauma or was it or has it been buried in my subconscious. I've always been aware of it. I just didn't deal with it or know how to deal with it and what to do with it because I was in denial that I needed help about it which I'm now getting through therapy. I have been into self-help books for years however and that has also helped in many ways. It's not enough to read books or watch videos, one has to do the inner work as well and so do the narcissists who don't believe in therapy and are also in denial that they need any help like my late narcissistic father, former late father in law and my late originally covert narcissistic emotionally abusive husband. Female narcissists can be like this as well, but I still think this is more prevalent in our society with men since they're mostly raised with that air of patriarchal male narcissistic entitlement and Donald Trump takes the cake in that area, imho!
So well said.
Daughter of a narc father. I had to completely cut him out of my life changed my last name and never looked back. It’s the best thing I ever did for myself.
B's u decided choiced them and not stopped it and now blame da pres lick nanni an chumer
Sorry I mean chewmer
Donald Trump is the real case yes. That explains why his 3rd wife melania is so low self esteem. I see that now. Shame in people.
$115 for the full length video? Seriously? I can understand that amount for attending the seminar, but for the video? Also I once heard a funny statement by the late Dr Richard Rockefeller. That is the effectiveness of treatment for any given ailment is inversely proportional to the number of treatments available for that ailment. Just look at how many medications and therapies there are for the common cold in the pharmacy as an example. This seems like just another treatment to add the pile of failed treatments for trauma. Are there any publications or research papers showing how effective this particular method is?
you can probably find what you need online for free, we're all unique so we all respond differently, if you look long and hard enough you'll find the help you need.
Free stuff is valued two u,but I value good costly things
Yes the problem is getting there and not getting stuck there , I am and have been stuck for awhile, went grey rock and couldn’t climb out
I know my attachment trauma.. I understand it I remember it but what do I do to change it?????
you work on learning how to be your own loving parent. Al anon/OA/AA/ will help
Inner child work. Simple. Cheap.. by a teddy bear. Google info on it . Works immediately...yes, like others said, become your own parent x
Ross, I have a question. I just realized that I am living with a very covert narcissist and I don’t know how to get him out of my apartment and my life without him maybe succeeding in making me feel like a bad person for putting him and his dog out of my apartment. Please direct me on how to discreetly and carefully make this move as to avoid vindictiveness. Because of your you tube videos, I have made an appointment with a psychotherapist in my area here in LIttle Rock, AR. Before I attend my first session, is there a particular psychotherapist you recommend in my area? Thank you for all you do. Thank you for helping me grow. May God bless you and yours! Lisa
Dr. Ross - I love you, you get me. You are the most handsome and the most brilliant man I have come across who is a genius and a very giving person. May god bless you, you have my heart.. it’s broken but I will give it to you ❤️
The narc mom would most likely end in shaming the little girl for even wanting anything.
No Labels my mom did! She was super narcissistic and super religious. She would beat me daily for not acting or being like she wanted. I was terrified of her growing up. Now I have kicked her out of my life, left the Christian path and am fully codependent with narcissistic tendencies. She ruined me
There are no perfect people anywhere. If someone says hateful things to you, just laugh and tell them to stick their thumb up their butt. Don't be dependant on a human.
Dr Pius Ozigbe is Always on time. compassionate. Empathetic. easy to take to and relates exceptionally well. Hands down the most effective and efficient doctor I recommend him. thank you doctor..
Hi Ross, I admire your work and I love your book. You said Codependency is a symptom of other problems. I know you mentioned attachment disorder, Can you name some More problems that result with codependency symptoms?
Thank you for this video ! I’m learning a lot about my Cptsd and trauma attachment
Intro song. Love it! Reminds me of Clapton. 🤗
Anyway, I am going in fierce on this recovery. You are on alert in all notifications. Love You RR! Thank you for your dedication.
Hello Ross, I fall in the second but probably third continuum coz i have very high level of suppression. I have been in therapy on and off and nothing seem to release the inner world of feelings & emotions, i get demotivated quickly. What should i do?
try EMDR for complex PTSD. six sessions and omg I'm immune from narcs, no longer anorexic, have firm and flexible boundaries and have 100% self acceptance.
jamk916. try writing about your feelings.
MDMA helps with that.
Excellent Ross!
Very deep analytical work
I can remember a lot of the abuse, enough to let me identify it as abuse and cut off the abuser and any of their supporters. But what I CAN'T remember because I was too young, I prefer to keep buried because I think knowing would kill me.
Your voice when you talk is so soothing that I slip into a doze. Did I still take it in? I feel like I missed the middle part.
U took the part u said u did
🔥Great stuff starting to figure out myself 🎯🎯🎯🎯🏎💨💨💨
very helpful thank you.
But what is SLDD?
thanks for the vids
wow then I must be doing it right...I am hurting a lot lately
that was funny...ty for explaining the trauma child. rejection, trauma...all follow into adulthood. the play is often repeated...how sad it comes out in the wash. so on spot. do not even feel safe around a new neighbor. flashbacks are so bad it s not fun to deal with....such is life. this is one reason why i worked with ptsd kids. so complex...so misunderstood.
Thank you
The "objective criteria" in the DSM that you refer to are in fact not objective at all. They are subjective and arbitrary, arrived at thru consensus. The DSM is a political document, not a scientific one.
yep. created by people who think they know it all. it would be just pathetic if it didn't stigmatize people on top of the damage done to them that caused their suffering in the first place.
makes it so easy for DMS believers to put a label on you and not having to deal with you as a severely hurt fellow human being.
all the best to you!!
Naomi that's the ideal situation, but it is not the one many people experience. I believe the psychiatric field has a LOT to atone for for the people it has further harmed.
Lartele
Good comment!!!
Imagine how the five year-old Daughter of slain Phliando Castille's child and Her Mother felt as they sat in the back of the same cruiser that the murderer drove perhaps watching them for hours after their loved ones blood yet covered them.
I bet you're lots of fun on the holidays.
@@davidsirmons Because trauma is such a cheerful subject right? 🙄🙄🙄
I got over my codependent problems as a teen... lol
Rose, Im just curious, because of my own theory of a possible contributer of dyslexia. Are you or any of your family members left handed? My Grandmother became dyslexic after a teacher forced her to write with right hand because she was a south paw and i dont guess being a left hander was proper back then. I can see that being a shock to a kids system. As an adult, if I were forced to write something of importance with my left hand and it be legable, Id be S.O.L.! My son writes with his left, with excellent (pendmenship), throws a baseball with his right but bats left, etc. He is ambidextrious and Ive always thought he has a very mild form of dyslexia. If there is a such thing as mild. Ive heard that its common for trauma and abuse can be a culprit of stuttering...
Christy McKee I am
Ranie Dean, you are a south paw and have dyslexia?? If so, have you felt there is a connection. Are you ambidextrious (spell check)?
Not really. But it is very interesting. I really don't know anyone in my family that is a lefty. I was forced to try to be right handed too. In the 3rd grade my dyslexia showed up along with other learning disabilities. I wouldn't mind hearing more of what you find out. I went through a great deal of Trauma as a child. I also had some repressed memories, but most I think I retained. Every once in awhile I'll hit a Tigger, and get a new a memory. I hope this helps with your research.
Ive got some deeply repressed things i think. Not sure though. Could be that i draw a big blank as far as my childhood goes for a few years and maybe it was just a reallu uneventful time...
I was 15, i'll just needed 3 more years turnin 18 and be my own man....
Like i was thsn able to make my own money, get a car, amd live in my own rules...
you are amazing 🎉🎉🎉
Thank you, thank you, thank you. xo
so you have trauma but no safety especially when the people who are supposed to protect you are the ones doing the damage.
When a parent is the source of the trauma, it is called "disorganized attachment".
lord i pray help
Your articles link in the description section of the video is broken. Please fix. 😍