As a child the dismissive avoidant had a parent/caregiver that was emotionally neglectful; whether intentionally or unintentionally. Their attempts at connection as a child went unmet or, at best, inconsistent. Children get two messages about the world; either something is wrong with me or something is wrong with the world. DA's were conditioned to have both. In short, they crave the intimacy but also fear being engulfed. Any encroachment on their freedom is registered as a threat. This is a survival skill that kept them alive as a child. It is a protective part of them. The desire for intimacy often comes from their idealistic views of love. Remember their needs went unmet so they had to look externally for it; rather in themselves. The thought of being controlled send their nervous system into protection mode. It goes that deep. This can be healed. It takes a great deal of work on themselves to see their worthiness and ability to trust that others will be there for them. They are used to doing it all for themselves by themselves. In short, it is attachment trauma.
So true. Super selfish. Can’t stand it. Once you realize they just are gonna be like this, the attraction begins to fade. But it took me a year and some change to realize it. It’s ok tho. Dodged that bullet with the swiftness 😅
@@Cathy-ux9xd oh I bet you’re exhausted. I feel for you. Like you wish you didn’t love them and can just walk away. I just knew he was gonna be my husband one day.But I was wrong and I accept that. Im wishing you the best.
@@cherisew oh Cherise, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Especially after enduring all the pain we do with them. Are you going to join the celebration tonight!!?
Nope these people are so selfish and have no respect for anyone.Please gather your dignity and move on such people don't care or want you. please respect yourself, your needs are valid don't think otherwise.💀
Thank you! Reasons why your DA may want to stay friends: 1. Looking for validation or you met their love language. 1:40 2. They valued the connection you had with them. 4:00 3. May want to reconnect romantically 5:28 7:20 do not be overeager to reconnect. It takes time for them to rebuild the reconnection.
This is a fact. Most DAs only think about themselves and what they feel is a priority to them. Once that trust is broken for them its best to detach from the situation completely whether thats sex or emotional connection because you will never get what you want in the end. Most cases you will end up a side piece so its best to put value on yourself and seek out those who value your presence as a priority.
Wow, that part about the “ex” (and I use that term loosely as I feel he ultimately diminished it down to a fling a/k/a casual) texting you but when you reply, they don’t respond back… is bang-on accurate! He always initiated texts yet when I reply back, he would then take 2-3 hours to reply with a 3 word sentence. Don’t be fooled by them reaching out and thinking it is because they miss you and/or want you back. They simply want validation and/or are bored at the moment. It’s called bread crumbing and those are men who have F-boy tendencies. Be rid of them because in keeping them around, you’ll invite a lot of confusion and anxiety into your life.
The part from Don't be fooled on was the best short, simple advice. Completely accurate. Yes they do have the F boy tendencies. They are f boys by nature.
I had an ex reach out after 2 months of silence saying she wants to be friends . I honestly don't see a point to it . I said sure but I'm not reaching out to her for anything .
I challenged that idea with the avoidant I was dating asking why they wanted to be friends when they were clearly incapable of meeting me halfway on even pretty basic things
@@IamCoachCourt they eventually agreed that we should not speak anymore because I stood my ground on not wanting to be friends. We were friends before dating, however, closeness revealed their fatal flaw and I no longer could take the idea of being thrown away on a whim
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
Dealing with this now; broke up in Jan 3 (he blindsided me after 2.5 years) I initiated no contact after a talk 10 days later, still in no contact now (he reached out once for my bday which we discussed, and once to check in but I just wasn’t ready to hear him reiterate how certain he is about the breakup and focus on “me being okay” when he’s not even feeling his feelings. Recently heard from one of his friends that they’ve chatted about it and my ex wants to be my friend. I’m not capable of being that for him rn and it would kill me to watch him move on, so while I do plan on having another convo soon, I don’t think I can be his friend, and rn I need time to work on myself (previously secure, now leaning AP and trying to get back).
I think that in many cases it is the friendship that they value the most because they are lacking in emotions but when the partner has strong emotions,then the friendship doesn't work. A DA is always looking for his emotions which he can't find.
My ex FA monkey branched and still wanted me in his life as a friend. No way. I let him go without a tear. No complaints, no questions, nothing. I still have love for him as we did have four years together. I am healing and have moved on. NC forever for me.
We DAs have Deep feelings for you, thus at some point you have become too much, to needy or controlling and we become overwealmed. We feel confused as We feel we cant love as deeply as u do, for that reason we disconnect. When u threatrn to leave u ussualy hear "ok" from DA and we feel relief...after 2 montch we cry and grief that we allow such a great person go...We try to be friends with u as we know we cant give u what u want. Its not that we dont have feelings for you.....its just these feelings are sometimes just too much...is it abt validation? Hmm most DA u know are confident, independent and succesful as this the thing we have been forced to learn duet to our wounds and this is propably qlso why you are qttracted to us....I.dont think we crave validation that much....but be sure we know we are broken Deep inside and love is the only think we dream of as we cant have it...
Thank you for this input!! I feel like you explained the struggles very well and honestly which I appreciate. I also think what you are saying is exactly what my ex would say as well! I am shocked really to hear these words from someone else. ❤️
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
I think my DA ex would definitely rather just not acknowledge that I ever existed - because to do so is an admission that she knows what she blew up for *zero* logical reason... hilarious, as she was always claiming to be so rational / logic / evidence based. There was always some undercurrent of people being weak vs. strong (either explicit or implied) with the implication that any neediness (minimal from my perspective - I am very independent - but ya know, it's good to reminded that you exist to them once in awhile...) is a form of weakness... I was teased occasionally about being a drama queen... which was sort of funny at first until I realized it wasn't all just in good fun... but revealed an actual perspective she had toward me. And the thing that always used to get to me was she was always very outwardly self-confident and did / took / demanded what she wanted (in most situations)... just an overall "don't give f*ck" attitude that I'm sure was some sort of defense / survival mechanism. Depending on the context it came across as confidence, recklessness, and/or outright lack of empathy... But she wasn't any of those things in totality... just flashes of some blend of it... exasperating but intriguing in equal measure. What I ended up realizing is that they aren't *really* strong - in the context of relationships, they just externalize their weakness... they export it for their partner to bear the full burden and turn the pain and vulnerability inevitably exhibited by their partner as evidence that their partner is "weak" and not "strong" like they are... Have to agree with so many others here who have been blindsided by this - it is completely 100% toxic.
I could not agree with you more. Similar situation to mine! The two best words I can think of her now to describe her... toxic and narcissistic. That's a bad cocktail !!!!
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
uff too the point. My exact was exactly same, relation of 1 yr and then me suffering for 5-6 months after she discarded. Earlier I was calm, loving , never spoke rude. My calm nature was weakness for her lol (sometimes like how I treat some of my bad friends/enemies). But relationship was very hot to extremes and then very cold sudden which started making me questioning a little bit and she started me saying that" YOUR ARE RESTLESS", started abusing me, fights with me until i say sorry and begged for the sorry. There is never a single time she would have said sorry(just a few times). She is very arrogant, rude and never listens others opinion/way of thinking and my basic needs( they weren't much to be true). for her always she is right and I am wrong whether that's even a smallest thing. I really feel bad upon myself that the person I loved more than everything was such a person and break me heart very bad. I was in depression for about 4 months and ik how I handled it, I started smoking and drinking some days a week which I earlier didn't. I still love her but Ik how toxic she is. i literally begged for her, when i was in miserable condition but she saw that's like "What happened, why are you thinking so much, it was just a normal relationship" , which started pushing me in more trauma and she went even more rude and cold to extent she started saying me "fuck off, i never loved you, i dont need you", It was just BRUTALLL uff DAMN GOD. I left her for good and started NC and blocked her from social media. Then she is again back6 months after breakup (didn't expected), "To JUST BE FRIENDS", She is playing some sort of victim card due to her miserable condition (Something related to studies) when i started doing little flirt she was like"I just want you as a FRIEND". A BIG SORRRRYYYY, there is not a single benefit of being just friends for me and i have moved on almost 80% and i want to continue moving on enjoying my life ,focusing on my career. Sometimes it still hurts, That what kind of hell she is and I loved her so much at one time and i thought my love for her would be forever but i dont love her as i thought it would be. She either doesn't have any guilt or she is not showing for the condition she did of me. Now those good memories(intimate) , her smile , time spent with her haunts me really. I externally force myself not to miss her, because it haunts me.
What a great video! Thank you so much. I agree with all the reasons. It is important to remember, DA are not monsters, ussually they are just afreid people :/ (That doesn't mean we have to stay), but we can understandthem better, so all this toxic behavoir doesn't strike our selfworth.
Thank you for being such a. Positive influence and asking people to not vent their hate on here. Although I’m devastated, it’s comforting to learn about my DA ex rather than play victim and feel like he had bad intentions because I know he didn’t even though I feel that way when I’m in my feelings. It’s hurtful for me to also hear mean comments about him, because when you love and respect someone you don’t degrade them even if you have to leave them.
Thank you coach that gives a lot of clarity ! My ex of almost 3 years dated almost 3 years , friends for 20 he is a DA , I was blindside by breakup ! I pulled back We’ve been communicating and not over the past 3 years ! I tried fwb with him 3 times over past 3 years ! He is not really a chaser but w/ me seems like it ! His proposal Friday again was just sex nothing else ! I told him NO ! But it almost feels like he would gradually work back up to us being a couple ! But idk it’s so confusing ! I just know that he was the one our chemistry , compatibility was / is undeniable ! Now I’m doubting if I was too rash with my No ! Yet I feel, I know I deserve more , it’s just not always black and white 🙏🏾♥️
Coach Court I just wanted to say thank you for existing and doing what you do. You have helped me and plenty of other people through their healing processes. As a 19 year old you not only have helped me find closure in this pain, but you’ve also inspired me to help others just like you do. Now that is truly the meaning of an honourable life.
I really appreciate that. I heard a quote one that goes, “it’s not about how many followers you get, it’s about how many leaders you create”. Go live a fulfilled life 🙏🏾
My DA was willing to stay friends with benefits as well, and only saw me exclusively; however, he never came back to me. He kept me at a distance and stayed shut down and only saw me 2-3 times a month.
@@sshuteandrew I compromised my desires and was even willing to try the friends with benefits because he told me the only reason we weren’t together was he was too stressed and couldn’t give me the attention I required🙄 He said he didn’t want to be with anyone else and didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and wanted me to wait for him to not be so stressed! I agreed to sleep with him as long as he wasn’t seeing or sleeping with anyone else. This was extremely important to me and he knew it! Then I find out he lied to me over a year and was seeing and sleeping with someone else the whole time since I broke up with him! His rebound girl! I never saw that coming!! I trusted him so much it was horrible!
My da ex gf broke up with me and was addament she wanted to remain friends as it would be a waste im probally someone she can text and video call when she gets lonely I said I can't im sorry friendship doesn't cut it have a good life and do well the end.
Yes!! I agree they want to get their needs met while ignoring yours. I’m experiencing this right now. Left me for his ex but wanted to still be friends. I tried for a weekend then I let it go and started building myself up. During the relationship he was great at being a great friend so I got something outta it too..he helped me believe in connections/relationships again. Now I’m better because of this relationship. Still bottom line…Cut ties..comfort yourself and stop looking for them to do it. Build yourself up/back up!
Arrrrrrrrrr bless him. My boyfriend lover friend. Friend with benefits. Friends with no benefits. Where did he go. Oh look he's back. He's checking me out
When my ex boyfriend told me he was already seeing someone else yet he wanted to stay friends with me I told him no I just cant I still love him but I'm focusing and healing from my heartbreak 😢
Nope you went over there so stay over there forever. I don't soothe egos or meet needs of people I'm no longer with. Also I don't go back to people, places, or things that are terrible
I have an ex from over 20yrs ago. He been married and I've been divorced. He calls to get validation a couple times a year or texts. He usually starts out pumping me up about a pic or accomplishment he saw online. Telling me how great I am. But I know he wants or needs the same in return. So I'll pump him up. We joke around a bit. Talk about what's going on in our lives. We give each other advice when needed. Chop it up for the next day or so. Then we don't contact each other for months. Maybe even a year or so. But on average bout 3x a year. No chance of any thing being rekindled. I ain't there and I'm fairly sure he isn't either. But most of the time it's him contacting me 1st. Every blue moon I will reach out first. He gives me business advice that typically works out in my favor so I listen. We love each other as friends. But ain't nothing getting rekindled 😂
Hello ! I hope you answer my question: is it a bad idea to explain to a dismissive avoidant the psychology behind their behaviors to help them be more self aware or will that make them run away from me even more
Facts!!! I dated a guy once but we decided to become friends instead. Our relationship was great until he started crossing the boundaries of friendship. Eventually, I had to pull back hard (for myself) bc he wouldn't stop crossing the lines, which was making me feel confused (bc I was still attracted to him), especially since he was dating and entering into relationships other women. We're still friends but don't talk much (I can't have him in my energy if I'm trying to meet a man). He recently reached out to ask me if I want to take an overnight trip with him to the beach. 😒 Bruuuuh, you know we ain't going to the beach on an overnight trip! Why you asking me that like I don't know what you doing?
He sounds like my ex and was trying to play the field. Talking to other women while still communicating with you and asking you out on beach trips was also what my ex did! Not to mention, it’s his perfect opportunity to see you in a bikini. It will certainly lead to confusion if you are still emotionally attached to him. It keeps you in the gray area and hinders your ability to move on - and he knows this. It is very sly wherein he has not voiced that he actually WANTS a relationship with you but just simply hopes you’ll happily jump back into bed with him. Hope you have permanently cut him out of your life. You can’t be friends.
I thought your video was very informative...I didn't really didn't go through a breakup but i recently had a connection with an ex boyfriend from years ago.. but this help me to understand what he might be thinking....he already told me a few things so explain himself.. but this video really helps thanks
My ex dismissive avoidant was friends with all his exes on FB and I never understood why until we broke up after 3 years and I became aware of attachment style. We had a strong bond, but he flat out told me he could not love me the way I needed him to. Sooo, we're friends now kinda, while he's dating someone new. I told him good luck with the new girl cause he's an avoidant...and he had no idea what that is. There's more than likely no future with us again, other than friends because he moved away for his career. He always tells me he still cares. Yeah, that doesn't help.
i'm a dismissive avoidant and i am friends with many of my exes and i always want to stay friends lol. i can disconnect all feelings and just appreciate the person for who they are though. i don't do it for validation.
My ex DA suggested us to stay friends. ‘To change a label and keep the relationship’. I agreed and it sucked me dry. Cause I don’t want to invest into someone who doesn’t not invest in me. He used me..? 1.5 month after I tried to break it, ended up being needy, it was messy and horrible.
What about love?? Do u allow yourself that or do u run away?? Huge difference!! Friends there is no threat/fear or commitment....but what If u truly feel for somebody.....its so painful to watch someone pull away because they so deeply may want it.....yet triggers or past wounds/fear are stronger & they believe them.....so I just found out?? How sad to believe these subconscious painful stories 😢
No judgement! But do u not find that disconnected/unusual? Because it's very painful for your partner/lover/friend....u have absolutely no idea!! U really need to think about that & not just your own needs! .its so painful!!
@@pure-pisces4512 It sounds like you are probably anxiously attached, so you may also need to think about other people's needs and where they are at. It's unfair to expect us to be different from who we are just to appease you. That's selfish. I do allow love in, for the right people who are patient enough with me and accept me as I am. Not people who smother and suffocate me and put all their issues and drama on me. I don't fear commitment or love, I fear being taken advantage of, abused, and I fear my freedom/space being violated. I am waiting for a securely attached person who doesn't freak out because I need a bit more space than the usual person.
No I’m done with the game three years of this nonsense I want to be together I don’t wanna be together I do wanna be together I don’t wanna be together no I’m done with Max she can go ahead and deal with her circumstances.
But what if we have kids together (we got 5 after 13 years together)? I'm not really sure if I should set up boundaries with her (since she's a DA, and she's moved out), or if that pushes her away? It's been two weeks, and she's still coming over for what appears to be social visits just hanging out as if nothing happened. She often kisses me (on the lips) as she's about to go (to her new) home as well, which is highly confusing to me.
@@danigc4526 sure. The D.A. is also the malignant narcissist & the so called dark empath. They can become aware of thier personality disorder but usually those one's are very high I.Q. around 190. Thier young in the mind. No older than 11 according to th 5th D.S.M. they cannot grow up so they convert to becoming master manipulators.
Thank you coach God Bless you appreciate your honesty always ! Your right! I feel people are being harsh ! I get it it’s very frustrating being with a DA! FA , or even anxious , but We all have/ had issues and no one is perfect so we shouldn’t put others down ! Either your in or out ! Either decision is okay ! 🙏🏾♥️
Thanks for your advise just trying help daughter make her mind up to stay friends (working realationship ) with her first ex boyfriend. Thanks heaps (she knows there is no chance of connecting back in his love life) thanks for your videos
I'm still in the place where i think you're speaking of avoidants who are halfway normal. For instance, I had an ex that called me his friend on Friday, but didn't show up at the train station to give me a lift to my new job training which was in the building right behind where he worked, which he knew could've gotten me fired before I could even learn the job. Another time, same dude spent a whole weekend hooking up cables and doing all kinds of repairs around my apartment but, when I called to thank him again; to say that I really did appreciate all the work he put in, he got angry and refused to speak to me. What? It's okay to admit to being friends, right? But does some kind of shame come along with admitting that you're okay with being friends? I mean, he broke up with me, and I didn't ask him to do all that repair work OR to volunteer to take me to work that week for training. It was all his idea. What? Chile, just laugh.
I don’t understand this guy that I love. He and I were close but he left my life for many years and just returned. He is very closed up , doesn’t tell me anything personal. I don’t know how to get close without chasing him.
Patience, and consistency . They have to know you will be their , but you risk your needs not being met. It takes time and understanding and a complete knowing through intuition that they truly care. It’s not easy
Sometimes the surprise visits are a needs & confidence gaining mission in disguise. Unfortunately this is achieved at the expense of your own confidence and self esteem. Be on guard!
Me and my ex been broken up for 5 years and she recently got out of a abusive relationship and she wants to be friends with me and honestly I don't know how I feel about being friends
my ex want to be homie lover friends. Jes insecure and needs help w his issues. We live together. He loves me but does not trust me. his insecurities stem from his ex. I love him and still want to be intimate. But not sure i can handle it when he meets someone else. He aaid we can be intimate but be honesy when we meet someone. What should i do
So I have a best friend that I’ve been friends for 10 years. We’ve always had a very special connection and I’ve always had “what if we dated” thoughts in the back of my head. I’ve had a crush on her in high school but pretty much got rejected. As the years went on, we both matured a lot and my feelings for her were always a roller coaster for years. We finally decided to give dating a shot and I’ve learned a lot about her and myself in the past 3 months. Found out that she’s a DA and I’m an AP. Everything in the beginning was going well like she was very open, vulnerable and caring but since I’m an AP, I accidentally got too clingy cause of how much quality time I liked having with her. On the 3rd month, I noticed that she wanted a lot more space than usual and it was triggering my anxiety like crazy. I’m well aware how important her space is but I feel like I fucked up everything. I gave her so much space for the past 3 weeks and I couldn’t handle my anxiety so I decided to open up to her. I told her how I’ve been feeling and had a wrong approach of telling her that we should work on our open communication and explained small descriptions of attachment styles and overall told her that I feel like we’re on two different pages now cause of how personal I took her space. She replied to me with saying how she feels like I’m a “child” and stopped going on dates with me cause she felt like I was her kid or something and she also said she felt like things were going too fast and wasn’t ready to commit. I got very hurt hearing that and didn’t even wanna clarify what she meant by that and I just asked her if she wants to end this or not.. she asked if we can still be friends and I told her no because I would need to recover and that was that. After that, I started to do a lot of research on her being a DA and I realized I really did mess up everything. Even tho I was asking for my needs, I realized that my trauma responses were triggering her trauma responses and I think she called me a kid because of how much I needed my needs to be met and I really want to fix this now. It’s been a couple of days since I haven’t talked to her and I plan to give her space. The only thing I’m scared of is if I wait too long, will there be a possibility of losing the chance of getting back cause of faded feelings? I know how to be more mindful towards her needs now and I’m more aware of my triggers and I feel like it can work out but I have high doubts that she wants me back or even cares. What should I do?? Is it possible to get her back still?
Whatever she said to me, I’m sure she did a detaching strat and just focused on my negative trait and she feels like I’m not “independent” enough. I know I have a lot more positive traits that outweigh her view of my negative trait but I can’t help but think that she’s already set on not getting back with me cause of how bad she’s viewing my negative side.. wonder if there’s still a chance, thanks.
haha exactly she said till end and even after breakup "you act childish, you are immature". No you didn't messed up buddy , don't blame yourself. DA are really tough to handle , her trauma responses were triggering yours. I also was very calm, understanding in the start but how she took things made me "RESTLESS", that's what she calls. let me tell you my story in short, 1 yr relationship , last 1 month was hell(extreme). begged for 1 month, she blocked me from whatsapp. then I did NC for 1 month. Then I contacted her just to check (normal chit chat) she was rude still. again 1 month of NC. again I reached she was not rude( due to some problems in her studies and she was miserable). At that time it was like 4.5 months after breakup and I was tired and blocked her from insta and snapchat. now few days back(5.5 months after breakup) she is texting me(unblocked from whatsapp) to be friends. but I replied sorry I don't want anything from you. Thats the power. let me give you solution, Untill you try and be clingy or you show even slightest desperation she would never be back into your life. Dont make any contact not even a single hi, don't initiate. Next time she reaches to you just say just after hi , "I really appreciate your to be friends, but I am sorry we cant be after all what we had. Have a great future thanks." For da to come back you have to show them your worth. UNntill you keep asking their validation or keep begging they would surely not come (READ THIS LINE AGAIN). You have to show her and actually do MOVE ON. I know these words would be harsh for you for the time being but that's what it is. Start dating, they will realise and fear to loose you and then they will may be come back! but don't stop your life. JUST DONT INITIATE anything, DONT BE THEIR NORMAL CHIT-CHAT BUDDY. WE DESEARVE MORE ! (If you want to discuss more send me email (g mail) -> ctanejaa
You typically need to wait for about two months when the DA properly withdraws. In that time distract yourself at all possible times. Don't let your overthinking brain go idle. It's very common for the DA to view their partner as a child. This is a textbook example of DA distancing, in fact I'd say it is one of the stronger techniques. The aim is to alter their own perception of their partner so that they can effectively turn themselves off, lose attraction, and even become irritated. DA's are very strong minded and are able to convince themselves of a fact or situation that is not correct or doesn't even exist. This self mind control helps them self sooth, because they can invent or fabricate a narrative in their minds and convince themselves that it's genuine. In relationships there are good and bad dynamics, however the parent child dynamic is a certified relationship killer, because no parent wants to sleep with their child and the thought alone is sickening. Hey presto, attraction gone! The first time a DA partner attempts to cast you in the role of the child you must flag it up immediately and let the DA know that you must not establish a parent child dynamic. Be careful not to do or say anything that could support the notion of you as the child and always point it out if they say anything to collude with the notion. Be totally calm and objective though, and make sure to not react in a defensive way. Other DA strategies can include trying to create a situation to which you react in a less than dignified way that perpetuates any false perceptions. You're anxious so it's likely you'll date other DAs, so it's worth being prepared and knowing what to look out for and how best to respond.
It is hard to disconnect! Sometimes you realize that you cannot have the bond you need as a woman (to feel like a woman) but as a friendd like a brother. When you fighted like brother and sister and that mead to the break up maye it was because you were not meant to be or become husband and wife
Hey coach i dated this babe for 6yrs this year we had a break and after a month she claimed that she was focused on school and so i gave her space though we talked once in a while so a few weeks later she texts requesting that i help her with her school project which i did and a week later i find out that she's been seing someone else so from there it pained but i accepted and after a few weeks she texted back asking if i can help her draft her ciriculmn vitae which at this post i felt like she was using me so i didn't do so. A week later we had a closure date where she broke down but i respected the fact that she now had someone although she insisted on us being friends and a few weeks later i woke up and blocked her on all my socials its just last week when she belled me through a normal call but i didnt call back
Long Distance relationship, so only spent time togehter every 3 months. I broke up over the phone 2 weeks ago because we weren't really growing a connection in person. Since then we still text and send memes to each other as we have similar humor. Nothing emotional is spoken. Is this okay or very bad for me?
I am a FA. I broke up with my DA boyfriend and he never chased me. I contacted him thanking him for a gift he gave (Healing Runes) and they were very helpful. I struggled with even wanting to call him because I did not want to send mixed signals (I guess I did anyway because we were friends for a few years before dating) and then I found out I have breast cancer. He was someone who was extremely comforting and I contacted him telling him up front I needed one of his hugs. He had been my friend and I missed him. I broke up because we both wanted different things. It is a struggle to navigate when so many feelings come up at once. It is very confusing because I still hold affection for him.
Did you genuinely want different things or is that the perception? I ask as that is one of the more popular conclusions that a DA will try to convince themselves of so they can effectively detach plus it's a scenario that doesn't identify a single guilty party. So they don't have to feel bad about it.
@@roberttruman8444 I think your conclusion is correct. I said I wanted to be married (eventually) and he said he wanted a companion. We were both very curious about the other and we both agreed to see where the relationship would go. In many ways we were compatible. He was entrenched and I could see that so I broke it off with him.
I will also add my DA ex and I were extremely close before the break up (I broke up with him then tried to get back together and it was never the same). I totally agree 💯 about flying too close to the sun!! He told me that in so many words. He made me his priority over his elderly dad (in his mind) and then I broke up with him. He basically vowed to not do that again so he kept me at a distance after that. And of course once I found out he was seeing someone else to and lying to me about it for over a year now I cut all ties!!!! It’s hard he was my best friend 18 years and I trusted him over everything I noticed telling me he was detaching from me. It’s something I can’t ignore though. He lied countless times about seeing and sleeping with someone else. Uggh so hard someone you think you know infact you don’t know them at all!
I seen from another Coach regarding Avoidant’s that they all Cheet on their SO. I asked my SO several times with the info I had and Ofcourse it was always a Denial on each. Honestly, I am no Psychologist or Expert but I lived with my SO 19 years now and know their behaviours inside out and it really reflects avoidant or F/A attachment. In my a heart I will not say all avoidant personality Attachment individuals are cheeters and possibly Majority is and my SO asked 2 years ago to be Friends in our marriage but I told my SO “NO” as I will not be reduced to a “FRIEND “ or a “Roommate “ from a Married Partner Status. Anyway next summer after that My SO wanted Separation and now I presented a Application to Court for a Divorce…enough is too much…
I’m dismissive -avoidant but moving towards secure and I’ve always been friends with every ex. I cared about them but I either moved on or whatever. I’d provide them advice and all that. Idk if it’s validation or just not wanting to be strangers so yea I want a connection just not a romantic one.
What if you never got physical and when you tried to take dating into a relationship thats when they pulled away. Can you stay friends or should you ! I agree that a person like this only comes around once in a decade
Coach 🌸 Do peoples attachment style change depending on the person they are in a relationship with . Or do patterns eventually play out the same , depending on how triggered they get . Da’s in particular. Showing up different with different relationships? 🌸💚
I found out my boyfriend's friends with his ex to. She told my boyfriend that she has family issues. I also know her to. We all went to high school together. but I went to middle school with her so I did meet her ahead of time. I wasn't really the best friend with her. But it still makes me uncomfortable. But she don't talk to me she only talks to my boyfriend. My boyfriend and her keeps letting each other's in lives on and off every year. My boyfriend makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I don't understand why boyfriend let's there ex in there. And of course he doesn't allow me to talk to my ex try to be friends with him. Tell me to block him how would he feel if I tell him to block his ex.
I believe my friend who left for navy boot camp at the end of September maybe avoidant Is it normal for avoidant attachers to believe that relationships don’t last forever or have problems maintaining long distance friendships? My friend has divorced parents who have been that way since he was eight years old and he has told me he was bullied throughout elementary and high school We started off dating and I was the one who caught feelings hard in the three week period we dated and I stupidly believed if we stayed friends and I never mentioned my feelings that he would eventually meet me where I was He claimed friendship would be hard to maintain once he joined the navy because we wouldn’t be able play games and watch tv together in person what I’m really starting to believe is that all the sex we were having was the reason he stayed so long, but he wouldn’t admit that in fact, he always said every time I asked him if I decided that I wanted to stop having sex that it wouldn’t affect the friendshipI never believed it though.
Just a week ago my prodigal spouse said she just wanted to be " friends" after I did agree with her taking girls trips if we reconciled. Not once did I think she wants me to continue to pour into and build her up. Wow smh
Me and my ex-girfriend were together for 12 years and I have planned a surprise next year to propose her and to get married. This is the thing that she has been asking for quite sometime. I am a married guy going through a divorce and I do have a son age 24 who is almost completing his degree. I don't wish to disrupt his studies so I hold back till he completes and will finalise our divorce and to be with the woman I have been with for a long time. I was given a surprise by my ex-gf that she has met someone and decided to get married to him. I am so much in pain and just don't know what to do. I have given her my blessings and accepted to move on but it's so difficult when she kept contacting my to see how I am doing. what should I do?
Not friends, but a former close acquaintance. The term Friends, like the word, are thrown around much too lightly IMO. Just sayin, no hate please, for me at least.
my best friend and even more because of being in romantic relationship. he can't let go but after he doesn't want a relationship but it's to much pain this way and i get triggered into my anxiety he us understanding and i work with my therapist for years now. it's not a waist of time perce just so painful. i have no family they all died one after the other and all. i see thatnit gives him more stress cause i make him "to important" i don't know to get both or needs met.
As a child the dismissive avoidant had a parent/caregiver that was emotionally neglectful; whether intentionally or unintentionally. Their attempts at connection as a child went unmet or, at best, inconsistent. Children get two messages about the world; either something is wrong with me or something is wrong with the world. DA's were conditioned to have both. In short, they crave the intimacy but also fear being engulfed. Any encroachment on their freedom is registered as a threat. This is a survival skill that kept them alive as a child. It is a protective part of them. The desire for intimacy often comes from their idealistic views of love. Remember their needs went unmet so they had to look externally for it; rather in themselves. The thought of being controlled send their nervous system into protection mode. It goes that deep.
This can be healed. It takes a great deal of work on themselves to see their worthiness and ability to trust that others will be there for them. They are used to doing it all for themselves by themselves. In short, it is attachment trauma.
DA's want to stay friends so they can get their needs met without having to meet yours. It's a difficult place to be. Better to cut ties and move on.
💯
So true. Super selfish. Can’t stand it. Once you realize they just are gonna be like this, the attraction begins to fade. But it took me a year and some change to realize it. It’s ok tho. Dodged that bullet with the swiftness 😅
@@cherisew three years for me. I’m exhausted. I feel trapped.
@@Cathy-ux9xd oh I bet you’re exhausted. I feel for you. Like you wish you didn’t love them and can just walk away. I just knew he was gonna be my husband one day.But I was wrong and I accept that. Im wishing you the best.
@@cherisew oh Cherise, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Especially after enduring all the pain we do with them.
Are you going to join the celebration tonight!!?
I don’t believe in staying friends with someone one was intimate with. It can also be for “friends with benefits.” No, thank you.
Nope these people are so selfish and have no respect for anyone.Please gather your dignity and move on such people don't care or want you. please respect yourself, your needs are valid don't think otherwise.💀
Thank you! Reasons why your DA may want to stay friends:
1. Looking for validation or you met their love language. 1:40
2. They valued the connection you had with them. 4:00
3. May want to reconnect romantically 5:28
7:20 do not be overeager to reconnect. It takes time for them to rebuild the reconnection.
This is a fact. Most DAs only think about themselves and what they feel is a priority to them. Once that trust is broken for them its best to detach from the situation completely whether thats sex or emotional connection because you will never get what you want in the end. Most cases you will end up a side piece so its best to put value on yourself and seek out those who value your presence as a priority.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
Wow, that part about the “ex” (and I use that term loosely as I feel he ultimately diminished it down to a fling a/k/a casual) texting you but when you reply, they don’t respond back… is bang-on accurate! He always initiated texts yet when I reply back, he would then take 2-3 hours to reply with a 3 word sentence. Don’t be fooled by them reaching out and thinking it is because they miss you and/or want you back. They simply want validation and/or are bored at the moment. It’s called bread crumbing and those are men who have F-boy tendencies. Be rid of them because in keeping them around, you’ll invite a lot of confusion and anxiety into your life.
💯👍🏼
The part from Don't be fooled on was the best short, simple advice. Completely accurate. Yes they do have the F boy tendencies. They are f boys by nature.
I’m done once I’m no longer an important person in your life
You don’t think friends are important?
@cosimavonliebenau8317 it's not friendship, it's aquantiances
I would love to say this, but I'd be lying to myself.
I had an ex reach out after 2 months of silence saying she wants to be friends .
I honestly don't see a point to it .
I said sure but I'm not reaching out to her for anything .
I challenged that idea with the avoidant I was dating asking why they wanted to be friends when they were clearly incapable of meeting me halfway on even pretty basic things
Eeek. What they say?
@@IamCoachCourt they eventually agreed that we should not speak anymore because I stood my ground on not wanting to be friends. We were friends before dating, however, closeness revealed their fatal flaw and I no longer could take the idea of being thrown away on a whim
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
Whatz'app him for help.
Dealing with this now; broke up in Jan 3 (he blindsided me after 2.5 years) I initiated no contact after a talk 10 days later, still in no contact now (he reached out once for my bday which we discussed, and once to check in but I just wasn’t ready to hear him reiterate how certain he is about the breakup and focus on “me being okay” when he’s not even feeling his feelings. Recently heard from one of his friends that they’ve chatted about it and my ex wants to be my friend. I’m not capable of being that for him rn and it would kill me to watch him move on, so while I do plan on having another convo soon, I don’t think I can be his friend, and rn I need time to work on myself (previously secure, now leaning AP and trying to get back).
I think that in many cases it is the friendship that they value the most because they are lacking in emotions but when the partner has strong emotions,then the friendship doesn't work. A DA is always looking for his emotions which he can't find.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
My ex FA monkey branched and still wanted me in his life as a friend. No way. I let him go without a tear. No complaints, no questions, nothing. I still have love for him as we did have four years together. I am healing and have moved on. NC forever for me.
My ex would love to be friends with me but I wont allow it I'm not friends with any of my ex's and he is no exception
We DAs have Deep feelings for you, thus at some point you have become too much, to needy or controlling and we become overwealmed. We feel confused as We feel we cant love as deeply as u do, for that reason we disconnect. When u threatrn to leave u ussualy hear "ok" from DA and we feel relief...after 2 montch we cry and grief that we allow such a great person go...We try to be friends with u as we know we cant give u what u want. Its not that we dont have feelings for you.....its just these feelings are sometimes just too much...is it abt validation? Hmm most DA u know are confident, independent and succesful as this the thing we have been forced to learn duet to our wounds and this is propably qlso why you are qttracted to us....I.dont think we crave validation that much....but be sure we know we are broken Deep inside and love is the only think we dream of as we cant have it...
Thank you for this input!! I feel like you explained the struggles very well and honestly which I appreciate. I also think what you are saying is exactly what my ex would say as well! I am shocked really to hear these words from someone else. ❤️
@@nicoleflusk5434 🙏🙏🙏 stay strong u deserve better in life and I wish u that
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
Whatz'app him for help
For confidence i doubt deeply even independency
I'm easily replaced and quickly forgotten so I can't relate.
Sometimes the connection is sex. Hold out as Long as possible, it is key..
Shut up and buss it open
Avoid them as much as possible.
I think my DA ex would definitely rather just not acknowledge that I ever existed - because to do so is an admission that she knows what she blew up for *zero* logical reason... hilarious, as she was always claiming to be so rational / logic / evidence based. There was always some undercurrent of people being weak vs. strong (either explicit or implied) with the implication that any neediness (minimal from my perspective - I am very independent - but ya know, it's good to reminded that you exist to them once in awhile...) is a form of weakness... I was teased occasionally about being a drama queen... which was sort of funny at first until I realized it wasn't all just in good fun... but revealed an actual perspective she had toward me. And the thing that always used to get to me was she was always very outwardly self-confident and did / took / demanded what she wanted (in most situations)... just an overall "don't give f*ck" attitude that I'm sure was some sort of defense / survival mechanism. Depending on the context it came across as confidence, recklessness, and/or outright lack of empathy... But she wasn't any of those things in totality... just flashes of some blend of it... exasperating but intriguing in equal measure. What I ended up realizing is that they aren't *really* strong - in the context of relationships, they just externalize their weakness... they export it for their partner to bear the full burden and turn the pain and vulnerability inevitably exhibited by their partner as evidence that their partner is "weak" and not "strong" like they are... Have to agree with so many others here who have been blindsided by this - it is completely 100% toxic.
I could not agree with you more. Similar situation to mine!
The two best words I can think of her now to describe her... toxic and narcissistic.
That's a bad cocktail !!!!
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together....
Whatz'app him for help..
uff too the point.
My exact was exactly same, relation of 1 yr and then me suffering for 5-6 months after she discarded.
Earlier I was calm, loving , never spoke rude. My calm nature was weakness for her lol (sometimes like how I treat some of my bad friends/enemies). But relationship was very hot to extremes and then very cold sudden which started making me questioning a little bit and she started me saying that" YOUR ARE RESTLESS", started abusing me, fights with me until i say sorry and begged for the sorry. There is never a single time she would have said sorry(just a few times). She is very arrogant, rude and never listens others opinion/way of thinking and my basic needs( they weren't much to be true). for her always she is right and I am wrong whether that's even a smallest thing. I really feel bad upon myself that the person I loved more than everything was such a person and break me heart very bad. I was in depression for about 4 months and ik how I handled it, I started smoking and drinking some days a week which I earlier didn't. I still love her but Ik how toxic she is. i literally begged for her, when i was in miserable condition but she saw that's like "What happened, why are you thinking so much, it was just a normal relationship" , which started pushing me in more trauma and she went even more rude and cold to extent she started saying me "fuck off, i never loved you, i dont need you", It was just BRUTALLL uff DAMN GOD. I left her for good and started NC and blocked her from social media.
Then she is again back6 months after breakup (didn't expected), "To JUST BE FRIENDS", She is playing some sort of victim card due to her miserable condition (Something related to studies) when i started doing little flirt she was like"I just want you as a FRIEND". A BIG SORRRRYYYY, there is not a single benefit of being just friends for me and i have moved on almost 80% and i want to continue moving on enjoying my life ,focusing on my career.
Sometimes it still hurts, That what kind of hell she is and I loved her so much at one time and i thought my love for her would be forever but i dont love her as i thought it would be. She either doesn't have any guilt or she is not showing for the condition she did of me. Now those good memories(intimate) , her smile , time spent with her haunts me really. I externally force myself not to miss her, because it haunts me.
What a great video! Thank you so much. I agree with all the reasons. It is important to remember, DA are not monsters, ussually they are just afreid people :/ (That doesn't mean we have to stay), but we can understandthem better, so all this toxic behavoir doesn't strike our selfworth.
Thank you for commenting Rana 🙏🏾
sounds like NARC behavior
They are..
Coverts.
They will not have access to me or benefit of me anymore
Thank you for being such a. Positive influence and asking people to not vent their hate on here. Although I’m devastated, it’s comforting to learn about my DA ex rather than play victim and feel like he had bad intentions because I know he didn’t even though I feel that way when I’m in my feelings. It’s hurtful for me to also hear mean comments about him, because when you love and respect someone you don’t degrade them even if you have to leave them.
Thank you coach that gives a lot of clarity ! My ex of almost 3 years dated almost 3 years , friends for 20 he is a DA , I was blindside by breakup ! I pulled back We’ve been communicating and not over the past 3 years ! I tried fwb with him 3 times over past 3 years ! He is not really a chaser but w/ me seems like it ! His proposal Friday again was just sex nothing else ! I told him NO ! But it almost feels like he would gradually work back up to us being a couple ! But idk it’s so confusing ! I just know that he was the one our chemistry , compatibility was / is undeniable ! Now I’m doubting if I was too rash with my No ! Yet I feel, I know I deserve more , it’s just not always black and white 🙏🏾♥️
Coach Court I just wanted to say thank you for existing and doing what you do. You have helped me and plenty of other people through their healing processes. As a 19 year old you not only have helped me find closure in this pain, but you’ve also inspired me to help others just like you do. Now that is truly the meaning of an honourable life.
I really appreciate that. I heard a quote one that goes, “it’s not about how many followers you get, it’s about how many leaders you create”. Go live a fulfilled life 🙏🏾
Yes!!! My DA ex wanted to stay friends with benefits! Then I find out he was seeing someone else as well🙄
My DA was willing to stay friends with benefits as well, and only saw me exclusively; however, he never came back to me. He kept me at a distance and stayed shut down and only saw me 2-3 times a month.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
@@sshuteandrew I compromised my desires and was even willing to try the friends with benefits because he told me the only reason we weren’t together was he was too stressed and couldn’t give me the attention I required🙄 He said he didn’t want to be with anyone else and didn’t want to have sex with anyone else and wanted me to wait for him to not be so stressed! I agreed to sleep with him as long as he wasn’t seeing or sleeping with anyone else. This was extremely important to me and he knew it! Then I find out he lied to me over a year and was seeing and sleeping with someone else the whole time since I broke up with him! His rebound girl! I never saw that coming!! I trusted him so much it was horrible!
My da ex gf broke up with me and was addament she wanted to remain friends as it would be a waste im probally someone she can text and video call when she gets lonely I said I can't im sorry friendship doesn't cut it have a good life and do well the end.
Yes!! I agree they want to get their needs met while ignoring yours. I’m experiencing this right now. Left me for his ex but wanted to still be friends. I tried for a weekend then I let it go and started building myself up. During the relationship he was great at being a great friend so I got something outta it too..he helped me believe in connections/relationships again. Now I’m better because of this relationship.
Still bottom line…Cut ties..comfort yourself and stop looking for them to do it. Build yourself up/back up!
Arrrrrrrrrr bless him. My boyfriend lover friend. Friend with benefits. Friends with no benefits. Where did he go. Oh look he's back. He's checking me out
When my ex boyfriend told me he was already seeing someone else yet he wanted to stay friends with me I told him no I just cant I still love him but I'm focusing and healing from my heartbreak 😢
😕
Same
Nope you went over there so stay over there forever. I don't soothe egos or meet needs of people I'm no longer with. Also I don't go back to people, places, or things that are terrible
I have an ex from over 20yrs ago. He been married and I've been divorced. He calls to get validation a couple times a year or texts. He usually starts out pumping me up about a pic or accomplishment he saw online. Telling me how great I am. But I know he wants or needs the same in return. So I'll pump him up. We joke around a bit. Talk about what's going on in our lives. We give each other advice when needed. Chop it up for the next day or so. Then we don't contact each other for months. Maybe even a year or so. But on average bout 3x a year.
No chance of any thing being rekindled. I ain't there and I'm fairly sure he isn't either. But most of the time it's him contacting me 1st. Every blue moon I will reach out first. He gives me business advice that typically works out in my favor so I listen. We love each other as friends. But ain't nothing getting rekindled 😂
Hello ! I hope you answer my question: is it a bad idea to explain to a dismissive avoidant the psychology behind their behaviors to help them be more self aware or will that make them run away from me even more
How to Tell Your Partner or Ex They May Have A Dismissive Avoidant Attachment | Coach Court
ruclips.net/video/Zatj57n-peU/видео.html
Facts!!! I dated a guy once but we decided to become friends instead. Our relationship was great until he started crossing the boundaries of friendship. Eventually, I had to pull back hard (for myself) bc he wouldn't stop crossing the lines, which was making me feel confused (bc I was still attracted to him), especially since he was dating and entering into relationships other women. We're still friends but don't talk much (I can't have him in my energy if I'm trying to meet a man). He recently reached out to ask me if I want to take an overnight trip with him to the beach. 😒 Bruuuuh, you know we ain't going to the beach on an overnight trip! Why you asking me that like I don't know what you doing?
He sounds like my ex and was trying to play the field. Talking to other women while still communicating with you and asking you out on beach trips was also what my ex did! Not to mention, it’s his perfect opportunity to see you in a bikini. It will certainly lead to confusion if you are still emotionally attached to him. It keeps you in the gray area and hinders your ability to move on - and he knows this. It is very sly wherein he has not voiced that he actually WANTS a relationship with you but just simply hopes you’ll happily jump back into bed with him. Hope you have permanently cut him out of your life. You can’t be friends.
@@smores8982 No emotional attachment from my side. I moved on and I'm glad about it. But I'm not putting myself in a situation to be used like a toy.
THIS 🔥🔥 Thank you for much for sharing. This is exactly my situation it's frustrating and devastating.
U on bullshit , stop wasting that man time
@@blacksongbird100yess! It’s him crossing back over the boundaries whenever he wants sending me mixed signals 😭. Ugh.
I thought your video was very informative...I didn't really didn't go through a breakup but i recently had a connection with an ex boyfriend from years ago.. but this help me to understand what he might be thinking....he already told me a few things so explain himself.. but this video really helps thanks
My ex dismissive avoidant was friends with all his exes on FB and I never understood why until we broke up after 3 years and I became aware of attachment style. We had a strong bond, but he flat out told me he could not love me the way I needed him to.
Sooo, we're friends now kinda, while he's dating someone new. I told him good luck with the new girl cause he's an avoidant...and he had no idea what that is.
There's more than likely no future with us again, other than friends because he moved away for his career. He always tells me he still cares. Yeah, that doesn't help.
i'm a dismissive avoidant and i am friends with many of my exes and i always want to stay friends lol. i can disconnect all feelings and just appreciate the person for who they are though. i don't do it for validation.
Thanks for sharing that!
My ex DA suggested us to stay friends. ‘To change a label and keep the relationship’. I agreed and it sucked me dry. Cause I don’t want to invest into someone who doesn’t not invest in me. He used me..? 1.5 month after I tried to break it, ended up being needy, it was messy and horrible.
What about love?? Do u allow yourself that or do u run away?? Huge difference!! Friends there is no threat/fear or commitment....but what If u truly feel for somebody.....its so painful to watch someone pull away because they so deeply may want it.....yet triggers or past wounds/fear are stronger & they believe them.....so I just found out?? How sad to believe these subconscious painful stories 😢
No judgement! But do u not find that disconnected/unusual? Because it's very painful for your partner/lover/friend....u have absolutely no idea!! U really need to think about that & not just your own needs!
.its so painful!!
@@pure-pisces4512 It sounds like you are probably anxiously attached, so you may also need to think about other people's needs and where they are at. It's unfair to expect us to be different from who we are just to appease you. That's selfish. I do allow love in, for the right people who are patient enough with me and accept me as I am. Not people who smother and suffocate me and put all their issues and drama on me. I don't fear commitment or love, I fear being taken advantage of, abused, and I fear my freedom/space being violated. I am waiting for a securely attached person who doesn't freak out because I need a bit more space than the usual person.
No I’m done with the game three years of this nonsense I want to be together I don’t wanna be together I do wanna be together I don’t wanna be together no I’m done with Max she can go ahead and deal with her circumstances.
Mine is #2 and #3. I wish there was was a whole video on that 😞
But what if we have kids together (we got 5 after 13 years together)? I'm not really sure if I should set up boundaries with her (since she's a DA, and she's moved out), or if that pushes her away? It's been two weeks, and she's still coming over for what appears to be social visits just hanging out as if nothing happened. She often kisses me (on the lips) as she's about to go (to her new) home as well, which is highly confusing to me.
It's looks narcissistic but a narc gets validation through nastiness. DA gets it through conversion.
can you explain further?
@@danigc4526 sure.
The D.A. is also the malignant narcissist & the so called dark empath. They can become aware of thier personality disorder but usually those one's are very high I.Q. around 190. Thier young in the mind. No older than 11 according to th 5th D.S.M. they cannot grow up so they convert to becoming master manipulators.
Coach, you channel is awesome! You break things down well ))
Glad you like them!
Thank you coach God Bless you appreciate your honesty always ! Your right! I feel people are being harsh ! I get it it’s very frustrating being with a DA! FA , or even anxious , but We all have/ had issues and no one is perfect so we shouldn’t put others down ! Either your in or out ! Either decision is okay ! 🙏🏾♥️
Absolutely and I declined his offer he made of friendship after 30
Days of no contact. Go be friends with someone else 😂.
I love your videos dude, seriously. Keep it up truly!
Appreciate you Ben, thanks for watching them
Thanks for your advise just trying help daughter make her mind up to stay friends (working realationship ) with her first ex boyfriend. Thanks heaps (she knows there is no chance of connecting back in his love life) thanks for your videos
I'm still in the place where i think you're speaking of avoidants who are halfway normal. For instance, I had an ex that called me his friend on Friday, but didn't show up at the train station to give me a lift to my new job training which was in the building right behind where he worked, which he knew could've gotten me fired before I could even learn the job. Another time, same dude spent a whole weekend hooking up cables and doing all kinds of repairs around my apartment but, when I called to thank him again; to say that I really did appreciate all the work he put in, he got angry and refused to speak to me. What? It's okay to admit to being friends, right? But does some kind of shame come along with admitting that you're okay with being friends? I mean, he broke up with me, and I didn't ask him to do all that repair work OR to volunteer to take me to work that week for training. It was all his idea. What? Chile, just laugh.
I don’t understand this guy that I love. He and I were close but he left my life for many years and just returned. He is very closed up , doesn’t tell me anything personal. I don’t know how to get close without chasing him.
Patience, and consistency . They have to know you will be their , but you risk your needs not being met. It takes time and understanding and a complete knowing through intuition that they truly care. It’s not easy
Sometimes the surprise visits are a needs & confidence gaining mission in disguise. Unfortunately this is achieved at the expense of your own confidence and self esteem. Be on guard!
Me and my ex been broken up for 5 years and she recently got out of a abusive relationship and she wants to be friends with me and honestly I don't know how I feel about being friends
my ex want to be homie lover friends. Jes insecure and needs help w his issues. We live together. He loves me but does not trust me. his insecurities stem from his ex. I love him and still want to be intimate. But not sure i can handle it when he meets someone else. He aaid we can be intimate but be honesy when we meet someone. What should i do
So I have a best friend that I’ve been friends for 10 years. We’ve always had a very special connection and I’ve always had “what if we dated” thoughts in the back of my head. I’ve had a crush on her in high school but pretty much got rejected. As the years went on, we both matured a lot and my feelings for her were always a roller coaster for years. We finally decided to give dating a shot and I’ve learned a lot about her and myself in the past 3 months. Found out that she’s a DA and I’m an AP. Everything in the beginning was going well like she was very open, vulnerable and caring but since I’m an AP, I accidentally got too clingy cause of how much quality time I liked having with her. On the 3rd month, I noticed that she wanted a lot more space than usual and it was triggering my anxiety like crazy. I’m well aware how important her space is but I feel like I fucked up everything. I gave her so much space for the past 3 weeks and I couldn’t handle my anxiety so I decided to open up to her. I told her how I’ve been feeling and had a wrong approach of telling her that we should work on our open communication and explained small descriptions of attachment styles and overall told her that I feel like we’re on two different pages now cause of how personal I took her space. She replied to me with saying how she feels like I’m a “child” and stopped going on dates with me cause she felt like I was her kid or something and she also said she felt like things were going too fast and wasn’t ready to commit. I got very hurt hearing that and didn’t even wanna clarify what she meant by that and I just asked her if she wants to end this or not.. she asked if we can still be friends and I told her no because I would need to recover and that was that. After that, I started to do a lot of research on her being a DA and I realized I really did mess up everything. Even tho I was asking for my needs, I realized that my trauma responses were triggering her trauma responses and I think she called me a kid because of how much I needed my needs to be met and I really want to fix this now. It’s been a couple of days since I haven’t talked to her and I plan to give her space. The only thing I’m scared of is if I wait too long, will there be a possibility of losing the chance of getting back cause of faded feelings? I know how to be more mindful towards her needs now and I’m more aware of my triggers and I feel like it can work out but I have high doubts that she wants me back or even cares. What should I do?? Is it possible to get her back still?
Whatever she said to me, I’m sure she did a detaching strat and just focused on my negative trait and she feels like I’m not “independent” enough. I know I have a lot more positive traits that outweigh her view of my negative trait but I can’t help but think that she’s already set on not getting back with me cause of how bad she’s viewing my negative side.. wonder if there’s still a chance, thanks.
and it amazed me when the ex said "WHY ARE YOU SO RESTLESS"
FUCK YOU MADE IT !!
haha exactly she said till end and even after breakup "you act childish, you are immature". No you didn't messed up buddy , don't blame yourself. DA are really tough to handle , her trauma responses were triggering yours.
I also was very calm, understanding in the start but how she took things made me "RESTLESS", that's what she calls.
let me tell you my story in short,
1 yr relationship , last 1 month was hell(extreme). begged for 1 month, she blocked me from whatsapp. then I did NC for 1 month. Then I contacted her just to check (normal chit chat) she was rude still. again 1 month of NC. again I reached she was not rude( due to some problems in her studies and she was miserable). At that time it was like 4.5 months after breakup and I was tired and blocked her from insta and snapchat. now few days back(5.5 months after breakup) she is texting me(unblocked from whatsapp) to be friends. but I replied sorry I don't want anything from you. Thats the power.
let me give you solution, Untill you try and be clingy or you show even slightest desperation she would never be back into your life. Dont make any contact not even a single hi, don't initiate. Next time she reaches to you just say just after hi , "I really appreciate your to be friends, but I am sorry we cant be after all what we had. Have a great future thanks."
For da to come back you have to show them your worth. UNntill you keep asking their validation or keep begging they would surely not come (READ THIS LINE AGAIN). You have to show her and actually do MOVE ON. I know these words would be harsh for you for the time being but that's what it is. Start dating, they will realise and fear to loose you and then they will may be come back! but don't stop your life. JUST DONT INITIATE anything, DONT BE THEIR NORMAL CHIT-CHAT BUDDY. WE DESEARVE MORE !
(If you want to discuss more send me email (g mail) -> ctanejaa
we have kinda same exes lol
You typically need to wait for about two months when the DA properly withdraws. In that time distract yourself at all possible times. Don't let your overthinking brain go idle. It's very common for the DA to view their partner as a child. This is a textbook example of DA distancing, in fact I'd say it is one of the stronger techniques. The aim is to alter their own perception of their partner so that they can effectively turn themselves off, lose attraction, and even become irritated. DA's are very strong minded and are able to convince themselves of a fact or situation that is not correct or doesn't even exist. This self mind control helps them self sooth, because they can invent or fabricate a narrative in their minds and convince themselves that it's genuine. In relationships there are good and bad dynamics, however the parent child dynamic is a certified relationship killer, because no parent wants to sleep with their child and the thought alone is sickening. Hey presto, attraction gone! The first time a DA partner attempts to cast you in the role of the child you must flag it up immediately and let the DA know that you must not establish a parent child dynamic. Be careful not to do or say anything that could support the notion of you as the child and always point it out if they say anything to collude with the notion. Be totally calm and objective though, and make sure to not react in a defensive way. Other DA strategies can include trying to create a situation to which you react in a less than dignified way that perpetuates any false perceptions. You're anxious so it's likely you'll date other DAs, so it's worth being prepared and knowing what to look out for and how best to respond.
I don't entertain exes period. I expect the same in return or not. I won't stick around for the nonsense.
Love your videos Thank you ♥️🙏🏾
Thank you TJ!
I’m still super attached 2 weeks after break up and have cut ties
It is hard to disconnect! Sometimes you realize that you cannot have the bond you need as a woman (to feel like a woman) but as a friendd like a brother. When you fighted like brother and sister and that mead to the break up maye it was because you were not meant to be or become husband and wife
Hey coach i dated this babe for 6yrs this year we had a break and after a month she claimed that she was focused on school and so i gave her space though we talked once in a while so a few weeks later she texts requesting that i help her with her school project which i did and a week later i find out that she's been seing someone else so from there it pained but i accepted and after a few weeks she texted back asking if i can help her draft her ciriculmn vitae which at this post i felt like she was using me so i didn't do so. A week later we had a closure date where she broke down but i respected the fact that she now had someone although she insisted on us being friends and a few weeks later i woke up and blocked her on all my socials its just last week when she belled me through a normal call but i didnt call back
I don't want to be his friend.
Long Distance relationship, so only spent time togehter every 3 months. I broke up over the phone 2 weeks ago because we weren't really growing a connection in person. Since then we still text and send memes to each other as we have similar humor. Nothing emotional is spoken. Is this okay or very bad for me?
I am a FA. I broke up with my DA boyfriend and he never chased me. I contacted him thanking him for a gift he gave (Healing Runes) and they were very helpful. I struggled with even wanting to call him because I did not want to send mixed signals (I guess I did anyway because we were friends for a few years before dating) and then I found out I have breast cancer. He was someone who was extremely comforting and I contacted him telling him up front I needed one of his hugs. He had been my friend and I missed him. I broke up because we both wanted different things. It is a struggle to navigate when so many feelings come up at once. It is very confusing because I still hold affection for him.
Did you genuinely want different things or is that the perception? I ask as that is one of the more popular conclusions that a DA will try to convince themselves of so they can effectively detach plus it's a scenario that doesn't identify a single guilty party. So they don't have to feel bad about it.
@@roberttruman8444 I think your conclusion is correct. I said I wanted to be married (eventually) and he said he wanted a companion. We were both very curious about the other and we both agreed to see where the relationship would go. In many ways we were compatible. He was entrenched and I could see that so I broke it off with him.
I will also add my DA ex and I were extremely close before the break up (I broke up with him then tried to get back together and it was never the same). I totally agree 💯 about flying too close to the sun!! He told me that in so many words. He made me his priority over his elderly dad (in his mind) and then I broke up with him. He basically vowed to not do that again so he kept me at a distance after that. And of course once I found out he was seeing someone else to and lying to me about it for over a year now I cut all ties!!!! It’s hard he was my best friend 18 years and I trusted him over everything I noticed telling me he was detaching from me. It’s something I can’t ignore though. He lied countless times about seeing and sleeping with someone else. Uggh so hard someone you think you know infact you don’t know them at all!
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help..
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
Avoidants seek perfect love and relationship as soon as there are issues and esspecialy of you blame avoidant he/she will disconnect.
I seen from another Coach regarding Avoidant’s that they all Cheet on their SO. I asked my SO several times with the info I had and Ofcourse it was always a Denial on each. Honestly, I am no Psychologist or Expert but I lived with my SO 19 years now and know their behaviours inside out and it really reflects avoidant or F/A attachment. In my a heart I will not say all avoidant personality Attachment individuals are cheeters and possibly Majority is and my SO asked 2 years ago to be Friends in our marriage but I told my SO “NO” as I will not be reduced to a “FRIEND “ or a “Roommate “ from a Married Partner Status. Anyway next summer after that My SO wanted Separation and now I presented a Application to Court for a Divorce…enough is too much…
I’m dismissive -avoidant but moving towards secure and I’ve always been friends with every ex. I cared about them but I either moved on or whatever. I’d provide them advice and all that. Idk if it’s validation or just not wanting to be strangers so yea I want a connection just not a romantic one.
Great content. Can you timestamp your videos at times like to replay certain parts of it. Thanks 👍
Whatz'app him for help
What if you never got physical and when you tried to take dating into a relationship thats when they pulled away. Can you stay friends or should you ! I agree that a person like this only comes around once in a decade
DAs should meet up with Rambo & Terminator, get a few punches in the stomach to get healed.
Coach 🌸 Do peoples attachment style change depending on the person they are in a relationship with .
Or do patterns eventually play out the same , depending on how triggered they get . Da’s in particular. Showing up different with different relationships? 🌸💚
Yes. Your attachment style can change
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together...
Whatz'app him for help...
I found out my boyfriend's friends with his ex to. She told my boyfriend that she has family issues. I also know her to. We all went to high school together. but I went to middle school with her so I did meet her ahead of time. I wasn't really the best friend with her. But it still makes me uncomfortable. But she don't talk to me she only talks to my boyfriend. My boyfriend and her keeps letting each other's in lives on and off every year. My boyfriend makes me uncomfortable sometimes. I don't understand why boyfriend let's there ex in there. And of course he doesn't allow me to talk to my ex try to be friends with him. Tell me to block him how would he feel if I tell him to block his ex.
I believe my friend who left for navy boot camp at the end of September maybe avoidant
Is it normal for avoidant attachers to believe that relationships don’t last forever or have problems maintaining long distance friendships?
My friend has divorced parents who have been that way since he was eight years old and he has told me he was bullied throughout elementary and high school
We started off dating and I was the one who caught feelings hard in the three week period we dated and I stupidly believed if we stayed friends and I never mentioned my feelings that he would eventually meet me where I was
He claimed friendship would be hard to maintain once he joined the navy because we wouldn’t be able play games and watch tv together in person what I’m really starting to believe is that all the sex we were having was the reason he stayed so long, but he wouldn’t admit that in fact, he always said every time I asked him if I decided that I wanted to stop having sex that it wouldn’t affect the friendshipI never believed it though.
Would you say that a dismissive avoidant ex is different from a narcissistic ex? What are the differences and what are some ways to pin point them?
Just a week ago my prodigal spouse said she just wanted to be " friends" after I did agree with her taking girls trips if we reconciled. Not once did I think she wants me to continue to pour into and build her up. Wow smh
DAs can be on the narcissistic side very selfish and self-centered
Me and my ex-girfriend were together for 12 years and I have planned a surprise next year to propose her and to get married. This is the thing that she has been asking for quite sometime. I am a married guy going through a divorce and I do have a son age 24 who is almost completing his degree. I don't wish to disrupt his studies so I hold back till he completes and will finalise our divorce and to be with the woman I have been with for a long time. I was given a surprise by my ex-gf that she has met someone and decided to get married to him. I am so much in pain and just don't know what to do. I have given her my blessings and accepted to move on but it's so difficult when she kept contacting my to see how I am doing. what should I do?
My x took sex from me and intimacy so I’m thankful for that it prompted me to love myself more and value my feelings more I don’t need his input
He cheated on me bc he didn’t want commitment
You Said it Perfectly…Sums it up for me too…Take care and stay strong cuz we are !!!…
what if it’s reason number one, she’s with someone and needs to have her needs met etc.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
what do you do for each of these reasons though.
walk away mostly.
Not friends, but a former close acquaintance. The term Friends, like the word, are thrown around much too lightly IMO. Just sayin, no hate please, for me at least.
Don't respond at all. Just using you
my best friend and even more because of being in romantic relationship. he can't let go but after he doesn't want a relationship but it's to much pain this way and i get triggered into my anxiety he us understanding and i work with my therapist for years now. it's not a waist of time perce just so painful. i have no family they all died one after the other and all. i see thatnit gives him more stress cause i make him "to important" i don't know to get both or needs met.