THIS is why your NARCISSISTIC EX wants to stay FRIENDS
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 29 апр 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. 
Развлечения
Why do they want to stay friends? Because they can then pretend to themselves they're good people.
good point!!!
Yes so they can continue to mirror the good in you to fool others and look good And hide the dark side of themselves
Yes!!
They will never let you go, even when you move on to a new relationship.
& in front of the others. In the eyes of the others.
"You weren't cherished, valued, or cared for then. So why would they cherish, value, or care for you now?"
Words to remember.
💯I've been repeating this to myself all day, a very powerful reminder* alongside* "Anything they were willing to do to you in a relationship, they will be willing to do you in a friendship....so do you really want to be friends with this person?"
@@ktbiwk Thanks for commenting. I needed to re-read this post. Too much is going on, and it feels like there's no one to turn to.
Yep. My mantra, about my Ns, is this: It's all about what THEY want. All their behavior, is about what they want. They have no room left for the needs of others.
Exactly.
Hardcore fact: A fiend can never be your friend.
Wow
Hardcore fact ! Indeed!!!
Dyslexics untie!
Well said 👏
❤
Dont forget another reason:
To make the new supply jealous/insecure
Definitely!
Yes!
I'm married to one that do this on a regular basis
Exactly
They feed off of your pain. For a normal loving person, this one aspect alone is so odd it's hard to believe. Which is what led to my denial.
Yes! I will not allow my ex narc to use me for triangulation with a new supply.
They want to stay friends because of the benefits and conveniences. You bring something of value to them. Or maybe they’re just bored and you’re something they can occupy their time with. But there’s no connection and they don’t care about you. They’re only in it for themselves. For whatever they can get out of it.
So in other words because they're bored so they look at you like a toy they just want someone they can occupy their time with and play with
💯 👏 ❤
A narcissistic friend I know actually told me that I was a good source of entertainment and it was a game to him. How sad people like that are so selfish and inauthentic.
@@lynettecaballero1660 that's also a very condescending thing to say I mean he basically admit that he finds humor in the misfortunes of others
Staying friends with a toxic person like a narc just gives them chance for a hoover and manipulations. Its an open door to swoop back in and come back stronger and more toxic.
Literally the exact reason why I’m not friends with or keep in any contact whatsoever with my ex narcs. They are banished forever!
The best compliment from a narcissist is when they don’t want you in their life. They know the gig is up, truth is out and they know you know. The silence is the ultimate ego killer to them!
You got it !! ✊🏼
They don't like losing possessions and they want to control you even after you're gone
Yes. Let’s be friends… so they can know everything about your personal business. Collecting intel for the future. Control. And if you have a weak moment, this snake will be right there to slither back into your life and you’re back to square one. So caring. Close that door asap.
Right..I've stopped it from the jump
This is exactly why my ex was trying to stay "friends". I told him we haven't been friends for years why do you think I want to be friends now. I also said I needed space. He was not happy with me. Since then, I just keep getting stronger.
He once tried to cold call me and wanted to "chat". He wanted to know about my dating life. I told him he did not need to know. Since then, he has been angry and oppositional. Parallel parenting is a must, doesn't work any other way unfortunately.
Take the label of 'difficult' from a narc as the ultimate compliment. It means they had to put some effort into manipulating you and using you, you didn't take it lying down.
❤ these sentences.... Yes !
They get a thrill out of preying on as many people as possible. Quantity is more important to them than quality in terms of supply.
My nex literally said to me in front of the relationship counselor, "If we breakup then I'll date a bunch of people! Abundance mentality!"
This has happened to me every time. They enjoy playing with your heart and exerting dominance. They want to keep having power over you while putting less into the relationship. They want you as a backup partner in case they feel like it sometime in the future. Disgusting 🤮.
💯
They wanna use you to make someone else jealous and probably also to continue speaking bad about you, saying it's you that can't let go.
This
Friendship doesn't mean the same thing to them that it means to you.
They need to keep a backup supply and show others that they are a amazing person while they monitor you.
@Tarsarian I was going to say the same thing. Their only reason would be to build their ego and image back up that we still have them around, aren’t we lucky.
Don't do it. He ruined my life. We dated for less than a year but we're "friends" for like 13 years. I was still trauma bonded. It literally nearly killed me. He was a covert. I didn't even know what was happening until a couple of years ago.
Totally get this. You’re in like a dream and you finally wake up to the hell they put you through. You change and grow. Why let them back in even as a friend??
Same
I went through a very similar experience to yours. Years of "friendship" and trauma bonded. The pain of it was worse than the relationship itself. Which was horribly painful!
You weren’t cherished, cared for and valued. Additionally you were betrayed and lied to, deceived and manipulated. I don’t want to be friends with anyone treating me the way the narcisists did. Thank you dr Ramani ❤ God bless you😊
They don’t want to burn bridges, so they can pick up again when they’ve no one else.
They don't love you, care about you or have your best interest in their heart. They only care about the love that you show them to fill that deep dark void inside of them
So very true
Meanwhile, all my narcissistic exes don’t want to stay friends with me because I’m too self-aware and don’t give them enough drama to keep them entertained.
That's definitely a good thing. My last narc wanted to remain friends and at first I said yes, then thought about what that would realistically look like like and what I have going on and realized it wasn't a good idea.
I blocked my ex narc and gave him the silent treatment. I now have peace. He can’t use me anymore.
The desire to stay friends, in their mind, neutralizes the full effect of their offensiveness.
Absolutely NOT ever going near that rabbit hole again !!!!
This kept me entangled two extra years. No contact was the only way to free me. 💜
An ex who caused me severe pain and stress in my life suddenly sent me an Instagram friend request after not hearing from him for years. I thought it was super insensitive and entitled of him to do so after what happened between us. The relationship was traumatizing to me, it was very emotionally and psychologically unsafe. and I haven’t been in one since. He was so awful to me I was surprised he sent the request. I quickly deleted it. Not someone I trust nor want in my life. Grateful I am at a point in my life where I value my well being more. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Ik wut u mean, same happened to me. It's disgusting thinking they can come back around a yr+ later as nothing bad ever happened. The nerve I was so furious. I'm still picking up the pieces 2 1/2 yrs later. The damage he caused me is crazy. Unbelievable.
Power and control. Don’t want you with anyone even though they dont want to be. They like to recycle their supply.
My ex husband didn't conduct real, meaningful relationships. He collected droves of acquaintances whom he didn't much care for because he trusted almost no one ,lied about nearly everything, and then complained he wasn't happy. I'm sorry I had to marry in order to discover he learned this awful behavior from the best teacher in his life--his mother.
He wanted to remain "friends" with me as well, but I was so sick of his BS by then. I went no contact after threatening him with a restraining order. With friends like him, I'd need no enemies.
I think sometimes it can be a selfish way of assuaging their own guilt.....Like remaining friends with you "erases" or "minimizes" the terrible things they've done to you so they don't have to live with the person's justifiable anger toward them or the intrinsic guilt they feel but keep quiet about....In their mind if they can get you to be friends with them that kind of wipes the slate clean......They know that they treated you badly but they will never acknowledge it directly and apologize because they don't like addressing their own shortcomings and failures.......but they also don't like knowing that there are real examples of their faults on heir life record and looking at those failures is exceedingly painful to them because those failures serve as a constant reminder to them that the grandiose ideas they have about their own virtuous nature are in fact false......Lastly, I think that they want to stay friends because they believe that if they can get you to be their friend it will decrease the likelihood that you will do further damage to their reputation by talking about what they've done to you to others....In a sense, they are doing damage control.....It's kind of manipulative in my opinion.....
Very well said.❤
I was married to a textbook narcissist for years.. I finally got away, rebuilt my life and am happily married now. Every once in a while I get a text message from my ex with random excuses to find out about me. I think he cannot wrap his head around the fact that I was the one who got away.. anyhow, my response is always the most cheerful, I am always doing exciting things and having a great time (because most of the time, I am…). I must admit it gives some degree of pleasure to see that HE is still stuck in his old ways while I moved on and found happiness. But it also amazes me that he keeps my number (and the idea that I care) after over a decade. These people are relentless….
I wouldn't even respond tbh
@@FCUK- I guess it’s a sense of pride that makes me respond. I am SO over it… after years of suffering (and working on averting) the ill effects of a narcissistic relationship, I was truly lucky to recover, assert myself and find a partner worthy of the name. It was not easy but I am healed, and I am so proud of myself…. He cannot hurt me anymore.
@@FCUK-I agree. They are gathering any information they can and they can see that you’re trying to put up a front and that is supply to them. They think you’re trying to impress them.
@@mos8896 you and Fcuk have a point…
@mos8896 yes any response to them is a win. They looooove to play the game. The best thing anyone can do is cut complete ties and ignore them! They will hate it. Sometimes saying nothing shows them exactly how well u are doing. They don't deserve to know ANYTHING.
Needs more supply and loves being able to have a sense of control
Just leave them. It has nothing to do with them caring about you. Just know that, and leave them for good.
Information. Narcs need a constant supply of information, of your "meta-data". They don't care about useful data to enrich their lives and others around them such as learning a skill. No, just the "meta-data". Where you are, who you spoke to, who so and so spoke to, what they ate, what you ate, etc, etc, etc
Facts! My ex narc has a “new supply” (ofc we overlapped…he tried to triangulate) yet is asking me about my love life, specifically the person he is most threatened by. 🗣️Leave me alone!
well said brother
To stay friends you have to BE friends, and if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist that is now broken up, I promise you they are NOT your friend. They've made your life hell. I've stayed friends with all the guys I've dated since my divorce, because they are good people and the reasons of us breaking up have nothing to do with narcissism.
As my daughter says,the goal is always moving! After 40yts,he divorced me!!!!!!
Just like you wouldn't eat poison just because you are hungry, loneliness shouldn't be a reason to return to a previous toxic relationship.
Never the door is shut and welded
If narcissists had the qualities required for a friendship then we would still be together with them in a relationship.
So true! 👏
Exactly!
I'm the first one to say no to this. Anyone who has harmed me so intentionally and significantly is NO FRIEND. He has kept ALL the others close at hand and often told me they ALL begged him to take them back.
Optics and Control! Keeps trying to get me to do something against my will and I am standing strong!
Been there recently and uno reversed that. Tentatively stayed “friendly” for a few weeks thinking maybe there was a scrap of closure or even a hint of understanding that would be soothing to me. It all came to head at one point because I unemotionally referred to a time this person had physically threatened me. They couldn’t handle it, demanded I take it back, that it never happened, they went nuts with trying to control the narrative. Face to face I just calmly said they are welcome to think I’m lying, I’m making things up or I’m crazy. but for me, I will stick to my memories of the situation and that’s just how it will be. They resorted to demand demand demand. I just retorted, what are you gonna do? Break up with me? They threatened to leave and not come back and I welcomed them to do so. Life’s been amazing since.
He walked out the door 10 years ago. Apart from seeing him once for financial mediation and once at a friend's funeral I've never seen nor heard from him. He recently betrayed me by inviting my friends to my daughter's wedding and swearing them to secrecy, to which I wasn't invited and had no knowledge about apart from what I saw on social media. I'm not interested in seeing him again. I haven't seen or heard from my son for 6 years and my daughters for longer. And I reiterate, the breakup was because of religious abuse by 'church' leaders who hated and lied about me behind my back.
He has so many exes as friends. 😣 Not this one, though. I refuse.
Yes, I will be after the divorce the first to go "No Contact"
Just after petitioning me for a divorce, my ex said - I hope we can stay friends. I didn't reply and just looked at her in a way that said - you have got to be joking. She got the message and didn't pursue it
Brilliant. They want continued access to you for a number of possible manipulative reasons. Know what these are. If they didn't care about you in the relationship, they're not going to care about you as a friend. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I also think my ex reached out sending a friend request because he wanted to use me again. When I was with him I had to support him so much it was exhausting. He had little money, was an alcoholic going thru a tough divorce, could barely take care of himself, so I ended up feeling like his mother. Not a partnership. He also lied about his divorce, asked me to marry him then denied it, and cheated on me who knows how many times, then would gaslight/blame me, never really having my back with things like his ex wife raging at me. Totally felt uncomfortable, psychologically and emotionally unsafe. No interest in being his ‘friend’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I had a similar experience. I hope you are healing and moving on. It's so hard at times, but once you do the work and process and release attachment, it feels so much better. All the best to you.
“It’s an entire net, frankly”😂
I can thunk of nothing worse than staying friends with an Ex, especially a Narcissistic one. I wouldn't want to be hearing all about then and their new supply. It would not only be hurtful, but degrading and demoralising. An insult. I believe that once you split up, that should be it, unless you have children involved, in which case you keep contact to a minimum. 🍒
Yes! Old supply is always better than 10 new ones
Friend? 😀 My narc ex views me as mortal enemy because i wanted joint custody for our son.
For me a good relationship starts with being friends but I cannot be friends with anyone who just wants to use me for their own gain. No contact is the only solution for me when it comes to people who just want to use me.
My ex married and had a kid with another woman and used our children to try to connect with me. I’ve been no contact for almost 20 years now
Ohhh that sucks
The narcissistic psychopath I am divorcing ~ I filed ~ wants to remain married “in name only”! How pathetically transparent. Thank God my attorney is also a close friend who herself divorced one of these monsters. Her reply, without hesitation; “My client is adamantly pursuing divorce.”
The further out of my life this pretend human being gets ~ the more I am flourishing with those capable of reciprocal love and caring.
Narcissists Be Gone! 🙏🏻
She called me her best and most successful project. I don't even know how to comprehend it.
Control control. And ready supply. Its not personal. Theyll do it to anyone who allows it.
Excellent and much needed message. It seems like a person shows more esteem by saying no to this. Not obligated and shouldn't be manipulated into it.
I will no longer supply what my X narc abuser need.I left for a reason,why...how...can i be friends with Satan ?
This is EXACTLY what happened to me! In the beginning, I thought it was the high road. The longer I was away from him and the more healed I became, the more disgusting I perceived him to be.
Once, in an effort to “be friends,” I texted him pictures of an event. The only response I got was where are you, who are you with, and why are you with them? No mention of the event at all! I realized then nothing had changed, we weren’t friends, and we never were.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose".
~JIM ELLIOTT~
In the end you're not taking anything with you.
They want to stay friends because it makes them look good in front of others. Definitely gives them control because they know what’s going on with you.
That's my ex
It's very helpful
Thank you, doctor Ramani
I know they have an ongoing need for supply, but also to show people they're not bad because they keep their exes around and constant attention, and then they can come back if they want/need to for more romance. They are yo-yos.
The man I was seeing keeps saying to me it’s okay if you move on but when I stop having any contact with him he shows up at my place to say hi or texts me. He has no clinical diagnosis but I believe he is on the narcissistic spectrum.
And my ex narcissist offered NOTHING in return I'm done with her.
Hey.. he didn't even want to stay friends with me when he discarded me. He wanted nothing to do with me and looked at me like
I was some sort of bothersome bug. I was the one who kept saying, "Can we be friends." Literally begged on my knees. I feel embarrassed about begging now. He literally put my dignity under his feet, and smashed it well. I guess I wanted him more than he wanted me.
So in other words he watched you and even enjoyed seeing you grovel that's sick
@jeremy19175 ya. That is what I found strange. I almost was like, huh? For a moment.. like I wanted to be alone, but he wanted to sit next to me, watched me.. scoffed and then said, "Are you done? I got to go."
@@phoenixrising4768 yeah he's got alot of issues why would you want to be in a relationship with such a condescending person when my toxic stepfather left while everyone else was heartbroken about it I said good riddance because why would I want a relationship with such a self centered person I am better off without people like that in my life
@@phoenixrising4768get that phoenix rising thing going!
head up onward.
I always laughed when my ex said lets be friends... you treat me like garbage when i was in a r.s with you why would i want to be your friend !?!?!?! 3:45-3:55 SAY IT AGAIN❤
💯 they love to seem evolved!!! (ie better than everyone else)
Remember, its not that you're special when they pop up again after weeks or years. They reach out to others like this as well and simultaneously when reaching out to you and/or with a partner as well.
They always have others they swing back to just like you. You're always one of many. Not special in any way or the sole one, no matter what they tell you and the others. It's not flattering, but don't believe you're special or exclusive bc you'll be sorry.
You look so beautiful 🥰🥰 really good video thank you
This is an excellent topic I could never understand. After 38yrs of marriage, my now Ex made his exit after years of deceit. Yet, he continued to give me birthday and Xmas gifts. His cool, arrogance after all the psychological abuse, completely confused me!! I found peace by blocking him. Those gifts still remain unopened! Thank you Dr. Ramani for the explanation
My ex wants to stay friends just so he doesn't look like the bad guy. It's only for his public image. In his brain it shows that cheating on me right after I gave birth to our third baby wasn't a bad thing. I refuse to pretend he did nothing wrong and yet I don't want to be that person who refuses to play nice while we coparent so it's really hard. People have looked down on me for not being able to pretend to be ok with everything.
At the end …… my narcissistic ex wife and I were discussing our futures knowing we were going our separate ways. She suggested that she would still like to “ come over for sleepovers “. I hid my shocked reaction to her statement. I basically calmly and quietly agreed ( I was lying and in no way wanted that to ever happen )
They are so predictable 😅
Just like zombies, they may look different but you can tell they're totally the same ! 😊
Thank you Dr Ramani. So true. My display model was never my friend during the marriage. Of course he tried his key and to dance in 3 weeks after he left. So sad, all locks were changed!
Because they STILL want to manipulate you.If you turn them down, then they'll be your enemy -- maybe accuse you of something and force you to defend yourself in court. It's all the same to them. It's all about being the center of attention and making you dance to their tune. It only ends when somebody drops a house on them.
Watching this happen, also was in the company of somebody who the narc got to and all I kept thinking there are two sides and she really isn't the victim
Be very careful if you stay friends with your ex, especially if you have kids together. I left because he cheated on me constantly and was irresponsible and I moved on and so did he. We stayed friends for the boys but as soon as I got serious about someone else...he became abusive again and used triangulation with friends and family and shady legal tactics to make my life hell. He also gave a sob story to my parents and worked them for money for years, even after he had gotten another woman pregnant.
That's why my narc ex partner went ballistic and tried to create trouble for me when I blocked him and went no contact. Oh well, he's not my problem any more 😀
1)Some? Yes, keeping You as an option/plan Z...
2)All?
-Harvest admiration (for everything,even nothing done)
-Use You as a trashcan to say sh*T on others, complain, talk for hours, AND NOT ASKING A SINGLE QUESTION...
My most recent (and LAST) showed up yesterday (drunk) asking for money to buy a burro…
Thank goodness I’m finally in a place where I just laughed at him and sent him on his way ~
Felt sooooo good 😁
They never want to be my friend lol. boundary phobia gets in the way.
Thank you for bringing up this. It's spot on my ex-narc. He was all about lets stay friends and collueges. And I thought well maybe I can still work with him. But after I found out about him cheating on me, learning more about narcissists and saw who he truely is. I blocked him. Now he is back with his second ex-wife.....she is horrible as well. They deserve each other 🤑🤮 money and status, looking good and blah blah blah.
Almost halfway through your book. It takes time to read. Because I take notes on every page 😅🙏❤️
This is so helpful Dr. Ramani. Wishing you all the best and appreciation. 💜💜
Supply, control and wanting to look like a good person. I am glad the first chat with my ex as 'friends' blew up and caused me to remove him from my life completely. I've been doing great since. Better to be alone than around toxic 'friends' any day.
Supply.
They can circle back round. Use you when needed whilst working on the new supply.
Deemed a good person to their children friends etc. Gives them knowledge of your life. Ultimately to keep you keep you shelf when other supplies figure them out.
Also, they don't feel that you have a right to decide to bow out completely.
A childhood friend of mine, who was very promiscuous, once told me….”always have a backup plan.”
This is why narcs want to be friends. It doesn’t matter the context or kind of relationship. They just want a contingency plan of some kind
Dr. Ram, thank you so much for your work. Helping those of us cover our blind spots is invaluable!
Thanks for speaking on this subject today. I appreciate you DR Ramani
Dr Ramani nailed this one 100%.... My narcissist ex husband wants to talk when I get up(4am) my lunch when I'm at work, and keeps me on the phone when I get home..... I know it's so he can account for my every free minute and because of the trauma bond I have allowed it
So true!!!! Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Yep my narc said he was just pretending because we are co parents but he was my friend he’s a lair and want his wife to think he want my friend like you said all for show
Yeah, I think they know that they look more normal too the more relationships they can hold onto. Narcs who are self aware realize that new people can identify them as bad people if they have no friends so it's self preservation on some level..
This is spot on!! It took me a few years to realize my ex and his ex were best friends behind my back. To me he bashed her and couldn't stand her. But he portrayed to her they were best friends. I finally realized he was trying to control and manipulate her. She had 2 "baby daddy's" and he always wanted to be the best one in her eyes. She was his supply and he had control over her. She doesn't see it. That was one of many reasons our marriage didn't work. It took a year of therapy, reading, and learning to put all my confusion into perspective. The gaslighting and manipulation had me so confused I thought I was going crazy. I have learned so much from your channel. Thank you!
… I am on track for every video you have produced for me in the last year and a half … This video is highlighting my current problem … I am bad guy if I won’t even say good morning or good night. And he didn’t burly sent me a text. He shared with one of our friends saying that I had contacted him and was gabbing away and he’s thinking I want to get back together with him and how to approach it. 🥺🤯💥🙏🏻
Just say no. I'm absolutely loving that word these days
@@unomeecj I am still in recovery and he knows how to reel in those heartstrings … 🥺
A narcissist person wants to be friends so you can be a witness to his life , they desperately need your approval that you used to give before. A "highly moral "narcissist wants to seem good and cool even if he is not , bur he needs to be justified.
💯!!!
I got to see this first hand where a very entitled, unemployed narcisst stayed "friends" with their ex so they could continue exploiting them and their goodwill.
i really needed to hear this today. thank you 💖
To add u to there harem , for the benefits and caveats 😂, they are insecure 😟 keeping u on a leash so they can monitor you. so they can have info about YOU and keeping tabs on your life. I said this in a previous post. I decided to disconnect because you weren’t good as a partner why would I choose u as a friend ? How u do anything is how u do everything. You weren’t a good partner so the likely hood of you being a good friend is small. I’m good!!
This is one of the quotes I'm sure I saw during the relationship with ex. Saw it again the other day. "The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley.
Bang on the money. My narc ex contacted me last month after seeing me at the traffic lights. Had no contact for 3 years. Everything Dr R said rings so true
I wish I was at this point already
You'll get there! :)