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3 Reasons Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex Won't Chase You
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- Опубликовано: 10 мар 2022
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In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about 3 reasons why your avoidant ex wont chase you after a breakup.
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Absolutely devastating being with one of these men. A constant state of limbo, going no where, never knowing where you stand. Horrible. Don’t waste your life on a dismissive avoidant. Their trauma is not your problem. You’ll walk away more traumatized!! Cause they live in fear about live and intimacy.
You said it right on the nail. And they take away the intimacy and it leaves you confused, hurt , and emotionally messed up.
True, my experience exactly
I'm a guy who just got dumped suddenly my an avoidant who told me many times she had fantasized about being with me for 37 years. So had been dating for about 3 months (clearly dating) and one night I said jokingly "So, after 37 years you finally got me" and her expression totally changed and she said "I did?" And that was it...The next day she pulled away hard, never to return. I was so hurt, shocked and confused. I learned real quick after that about attachment styles. It's just so hard understand how someone who was so highly interested in you and seem to enjoy being with you so much, can suddenly pulled away and leave you with without the slightest bit of remorse and move on so easily as if they never felt anything for you at all. Hardest breakup I've ever experienced.
Agree. Not making the choice to become aware and take accountability / ownership on inner self is completely valid and understandable for children and youth, but far less excusable for grown adults who want to be in healthy, mature, grown, harmoneous romantic relationships. We can't want / expect the outcome without accepting and exercising the courage, work and bravery it requires.
@@harrycrowe7873 how long has it been since this happened? Have you been in touch?
It’s hard but I no longer chase someone that won’t do the same for me
If you didn't know about this type of attachment style, you would just think your DA partner is not interested, they're cold, they don't care. It's not normal behaviour for a relationship and to me personally, it's psychopathic behaviour, causing emotional abuse towards your partner with their mixed signals, being distant, long periods of silence and hot and cold behaviour. They're gaslighters. They will say one thing and do another, they say they love but show all the signs that they don't love you and then tell you that you're the insecure one when you bring it up. Now that I know, I'll be more attentive to the signs and RUN !! I'm glad that I just finished up with one and I feel so at peace. Sorry that you are an avoidant but what even is the point of being in a relationship with another person if you're basically going to treat them like shit, like they don't matter? They need to sort out their own demons before messing with people's emotions. You either have to suffer from dormatitis (okay with being a doormat) to be with a dismissive avoidant or just be as emotionally cold.
Couldn't have said it better myself...not worth it, my peace is worth more
It's devastating and heartbreaking and emotionally and mentally messes you up
Yes it does mess you up health, mind and body. It’s now 7 months since he pulled the pin and not even a “hello “
It’s more the mental and physical trauma that stays with you especially when you tried and minimal in return and I’m still hurting with side effects….
@@milliekozary5667 I'm so sorry this happened to you, it happened to me as well. 3 months since no contact and I'm still hurting. It's like all that time meant nothing 💔
Noticed one in 4days and I pressed reject, cos I dont need stress in my life,period. How does a grown man of over 40 cant deal with themselves and expect someone else to do it for them. Boy bye!!!👐
I dated a DA for about two years. The emotional unavailability was nerve wrecking. It created an imbalance in the relationship that I thought I could overcome, but the burden of being the only with an emotional investment while constantly being stonewalled proved to be emotionally unhealthy. It took years to rehabilitate after that experience. I would advise if you discover this characteristic pray for them and move on. Equally yoked relationships have so much more to offer.
I am just out of a 3 year relationship with an avoidant and no one understands why I am still hurting. It has taken an emotional and mental toll on me and I am trying to heal but it's very hard.
@@adoptioncorner1984 Seven years for me and I empathize with you.
@@pacs0508 I'm so sorry. You never heard from.her again?
@@adoptioncorner1984 This was recent. I have been NC since 07/14/2022 and haven't heard from her after a seven year relationship. I thought it was a relationship?
@@pacs0508 she's a narc point blank. Sorry about this. They just run away.
My DA ex will never hear from me again. One day he'll wake up and realize I'm the only one that would ever have put up with his shit. I'm DONE. If someone has an avoidant attachment style, just get rid of them early before you invest anything important. Yeah, there's tons of coaching out there about how to make relationships work with these types, but unless you want to do 100% of the emotional and mental labor of your partnership 100% of the time, just get out. Who the hell wants that kind of imbalance, especially knowing it NEVER goes away? Never again. Not for anyone.
I agree with you. I wish i knew sooner and didn't invest 6 years into her for her to just monkey branch to a coworker she had lined up and hid the fact she had been dating him for nearly a year while i moved away temporarily. I did not know anything about attachment styles until a few weeks ago and its unbelievable how much one can learn, but sometimes you learn after you go through the hardest times in your life. I can say that only now, a year after she left me and 2 months after i discovered her new relstionship is when i can actually start to learn and improve in a way that she never could and probably never will. I do hope the best for her, only because i as much as i love or loved her i cannot put that energy towards someone who cannot reciprocate but will just choose an easy way out after a 6 year relationship.
People like that may never be whole because they are unable to emotionally invest past a superficial level and cannot handle tough times in a relationship. I was once willing to forgive her even after finding out about the other guy, but frankly i need to respect myself and know my value. One day she will have to deal with these feelings she buried and its gonna be baggage she will carry, i know she already feels guilty about it but is unable to justify things because she has to be right about her decision and also protect her image and fragile emotional state.
@@walzarozo I went through the exact same thing word for word. She just got engaged 2 years after the breakup with the new supply.
@@mw7540 Let her have it, it's all part of the act they try put to try to move on or convince people (and themselves) that they are happier now but the same issues you had will resurface and she will be reminded of you wether she likes it or not.
She most likely attracted someone of an equal maturity level (or lack of). That may not be as happy a marriage as they want to make it seem, but you gotta wish people like that a good life..try to do that while acknowledging that these kind of people have it much worse than we do, dealing with all the pushing away of love while being broken themselves and never being able to face their problem.
It hurts like hell but we tend to ignore so many red flags for people like them that its not even funny when i look back...you build this illusion of something they are not and will not be and you place your life on hold for them while they can seem to move on like nothing happened. As much as I loved my ex I do deserve someone who will love me back, appreciate what I do for them, and be able to grow together.
You are not mourning what you had (really look back at the times they let you down and you justified it), you are mourning the loss of an illusion that wasn't real and honestly you may have a better chance with someone who does want your love. The problem isn't all on them.
They were always like that and probably will be, we were just deluded and didn't see it for what it was. They're really doing you a favor by "moving on", perhaps when you think about it you can see it wasn't what you thought and especially not when it was just one person trying to save and grow the relationship.
No matter how pretty they are on the outside, their unwillingness to work on their emotional issues is not attractive and she is now that guy's problem..something that they can't fix either but he's gonna find out later, and he us gonna lose more than you when it goes south or when there are issues if they manage to remain married. Like me, you are free now to explore/improve yourself and eventually let a better person in your life!
@@walzarozo Yeah thanks, I hear you loud & clear & you are right. I spent 7 years taking care of her & her son. & completely improved her life 180 degrees. Then one day she got mad at me & did not want to discuss it with me, she packed up & moved out basically ran away from the relationship. Moved in with her dad, but that did not work, moved in with female coworker & that did not work. Covid 19 happened & she was in restaurant business which shut completely down for 2 years & during that time she moved in with another older guy who had a younger son who took her & her son in, that I raised from age 6 to 13. 2 year later she announced of FB they are engaged to marry. Total rebound relationship. She bread Crum me while stay there with him a few times but then excommunicated me afterwards. Oh well. I'm getting better day by day, but the thought still comes & go. But you are right, she will realize one day she has made a bad choice in life. & I will have moved completely on from the illusion as you so clearly explained. Thank you.
@@mw7540 Mine is also in the Restaurant business and she also breadcrumbed me. It isnt easy but i feel better every day now knowing I have the ability to grow and express my feelings. I feel better even if its half percent per day, I know you will too.
They are dismissive but they also do not like to be accountable, blame others and deflect. Amazingly other people in their inner circle who they listen to can tell them the SAME thing you have communicated with them, they usually don't change. If they don't believe they are WRONG then they are right.
If you’re kind and gentle, and initiate kindness after an argument, they do take accountability and admit to their mistakes. It’s not easy but it works and helps them being down their wall.
Then they were just toxic next to being avoidant. Ex i dated was a gentle soul but he did go silent. It is just easy and they know the other one is right and the except it. And it is easy 😂😂😂.
The one i have now is also a really sweet man.
He always comes back and is working hard.
They are not all evil and blame the other.
You are so spot on this. I dated a da for two months and didn’t even know this was a thing. Everything you mentioned is what this person was. She ended it with me last week due to the arguing because of me always expressing my feelings and her stonewalling me. She never wanted to accept responsibility for anything. I was like I was feeling really deeply for you but it feels like you’re pulling away. She was like well it’s obvious this isn’t working. I care about you and good luck. I was like lol ok.
@@Ytdeletesallmycomments yeh....they can be so sweet☺️ Not all avoidants believe that their behaviour is perfectly ok. Gentleness is key. And trust!! ✌️✨
and yup.. mine ALWAYS comes back too. 🥲
Don't ever chase. If they want you they will be with you and be in touch
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
Thank you .. let them GO. You got one precious life. I’ll be danged if I’m gonna spend it letting some emotionally broken person hurt me over and over again.. my life’s mission is not to be some soft pillow for an emotionally damaged person .. go get help then seek a relationship when you’re better.
So in a nutshell we're talking ego, Self-sabotage and defense mechanisms operating in survival mode. Yeah classic unhealed childhood wounds and trauma being played out in relationships. I've seen this in an almost 60 year old man. It's unfortunate but reality is there's soooo many of broken ppl being the main ones hopping from one relationship to the next spreading the toxicity instead of investing in their healing. It's exhausting
It can be exhausting for sure
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Absolutely
💯 exhausting.
No one likes bringing up uncomfortable topics or putting themselves in a position of vulnerability. It's just part of life, people need to grow up and take responsibility it shouldn't be our job to pick up the pieces.
Yes, but avoidants do chase in the beginning when they're interested. But I guess that's because there is no conflict at that point.
Happy to see a black professional talking about this. Our community needs to learn about attachment styles
Indeed they do. It’s very important to know yourself!
this has nothing to do with colour. Imagine if someone write glad to see a white person talk about this. STUPID
I dated a dismissive avoidant and while it was difficult towards our breakup, I had my own problems as a anxious preoccupied. I had my own fears and smothered him and wanted CONSTANT attention. I did not see these problems until we separated and I took a deep look at myself. But he did not blame me for anything. He even said it was nothing that I had done and he felt like he could not give me what I needed and he didn't want to hurt me. there are problems and issues on all sides, not just dismissives. We all need to work on being the best that we can be and showing people that no matter what you can change and be better and get the love we all deserve ❤️
Something exactly like that happened with my ex.. It hurts A LOT
I got the same “you deserve better than me” text. Then stonewalling, no discussion. A week before I opted to leave, the next day he contacted me wanting to talk. That talk never happened, he avoided until he decided to pull the plug. Manipulative AF.
My DA told me in person because he's responsible and respectful. I deserved an explanation and he gave it. He didn't leave me hanging though. We're still best friends and hang out every week since the breakup. It's like nothing changed. I've seen his improvement through his actions and the things he says. He's more open now and talks to me about things that he used to not. I'm very proud of him and if given the chance I'd give him another try. Because I really do love him and he's proved he's not the man he used to be
@@JessieTheGinger I’m so happy for you. He loves you and you are handling it incredibly well. They do better with “friends” so they can escape without much guilt if they have to and that’s difficult for an anxious attachment. You need to be very independent and strong and enjoying the moment yet nurturing, loving and trustworthy to make it work. It’s a lot. But, the thing with styles is that they can change. Hopefully over time, this continues developing for you. Keep me posted ❤️❤️❤️😭
@@beccf.s.8012 thank you 🥰 I'm so happy you're not like everyone else who just says "they're heartless assholes, leave them!!" DAs get a bad rep but they're no different than the rest of us. We all get hurt in life and love and we all react to those things in our own way. So thanks for understanding 😊 I'll admit some days it's hard to be friends because I want so much more than that. He's so sweet and he takes care of me and makes me laugh. He's such a big goofball too 😁 somedays I just want to hold him and kiss him so bad it hurts. But good things take time. We both still have healing to do, so I'll have to be strong until then
When a DA says "maybe I'm meant to be alone", that is the finest example that they prefer running away from problems rather than doing the work to fix them. It's, again, an unconscious comfort zone.
This is heartbreaking and I hope to never experience this kind of person again
What those of you that are in agreement of dismissing or shutting out damaged humans dont recognize is, in your dismissal of other humans (men or women) that have trauma, you're exhibiting your own trauma. Yet I can guarantee someone has taken you in, reversed your doubt about yourself and even raised you up.
When a human can heal another humans pain, trauma, or memories, causing anxiety, the healed human begins to become the best version of themselves. The healer becomes enriched with a feeling of joy for having done good to someone in need and thus begins a new cycle of "pay it forward". The healed and the healer create a new community of healers that create a united feeling of acceptance.
If you've previously commented in agreement to shutting out damaged humans, know this isn't about shaming you. You too were once innocent before tragedy befell you. And you too can create a space of acceptance, unity, healing and value.
Choose to be better.
Why do avoidant self sabotage? Like they can have a really good thing and destroy it, not willing to change.
It's fear, not a logical choice to push people away. They have deep core wounds around abandonment. It's not just them being mean to the poor little anxious attachment types.
Spot on Leah 🙌🏾
@@leah-7011 I was never mean but I kept everyone at arms length. I’ve come to realise through therapy and working on myself that a lot of it boils down to fear of past trauma repeating. Which obviously just leads to self fulfilling prophecy. I’m embracing the fear now and going for what I want.
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsap.
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's..
I left my wife of 19 years for a DA, and now after a year she also left me. I got what I deserve, but these people ruin lives and move on to the next one. Warning ⚠️ stay away from them.
It could be those reasons, but if they don't chase then bottom line is they don't want you back enough and would rather stick to those reasons. I think if they really want you then they would get over those reasons. 🤷♂️
Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up
Whazpp him
@Winn Matthews I feel the same.
It’s not easy. They have serious mental blocks
@@westcoastorbust2462 not easy simple but highly rewarding if you truly care and they are aware of a need to grow. Expect thing's that feel like they are directed at you personally but truly are not. 😔
Bid them adieu... Pray they seek the supportive counsel they need... Work on yourself and align with someone who has a more of an secure attachment style. YOU DESERVE THAT!
Well said Coach.. but best avenue is to let them go and never look back.
Whatever’s best for your mental health
I really loved my avoidant ex-gf, but if she can't admit that she wants to be with me, and actually get vulnerable, then there's no way I"ll be chasing her after she dumped me. And that's probably why this will never work. She'll never be vulnerable enough to admit she loved being with me and actually wants someone in her life. And I won't beg and chase someone who gives me scraps.
Dude, you hit every single one of those right on the head! I know this guy for real. It's a real relief to hear from somebody outside of my own head space that I was not and am not the problem. And the last thing you said? Hey, no truer words spoken; be YOUR best self and lead by example. Correct. You don't have to block anybody, or treat him with just as much silence and cruelty as he is giving or has given you. Just be yourself and use a no contact period to get back in touch with how wonderful YOU are and maybe find some empathy for why that person was so crazy actin'.
I just want to thank all the souls that have commented and to Coach Court.
I have been in no contact with my DA ex for 2 months.
All of the comments and key words used in the comments about a typical DA have resonated with me so profoundly. To be fair she did warn me what she was like. I did heed her words to some extent but nothing could of prepared me. I feel so guilty for not listening and regretful that I didnt know how heavy things were going to pan out. Had only I had of found this information out before we ended. I could of helped her and helped myself. I feel for all of you, I really do.
Same, he warned me but l didn't think much of it!
Same here, she warned me I heard her but I didn't listen and selfishly I proceeded pushing and wanting more and she checked out. Wish I could get another shot at it
They can’t be saved .. they only save themselves
Very true!
*Can only
I think if you make a safe, no-pressure environment for the avoidant, they are more open to coming back.
Thank you! I am a female DA and trying to heal myself.😢 We are not all bad to the bone as indicated in so many of these comments. I am trying to ❤
Long sigh of relief. So true. I'm way too thankful for reving up the senior. So true. Thank you. ❤
Got a call from one of those avoidants.
I didn't picked up the phone, and noticed she blocked me on WhatsApp after a few minutes.
I blocked her, and saw she got me unblocked after that.
I was already moving on and already dated a few girls again.
Got a good vibe and emotional connection with ine of them.
I'll keep that dramatic energy drainer on block everywhere.
Conflict delayed or silenced will always manifest in other ways.
Always!
A lot of DA's were taught to be like this, independent in order to not be "selfish kids" "burdening" the parents. There was no one to look out for them and they had to look out for themselves, and protect their parents who couldn't cope with life etc. Don't always know quite what to do in relationships but when they care, they care deeply. Probably the most misunderstood attachment style.
This is probably one of the best videos I’ve seen regarding an avoidant person’s behavior toward a relationship partner. Any personal conversation I tried to start with her was met with immediate resistance and she tried constantly to gaslight me into believing that I wasn’t actually experiencing what I was, in fact, experiencing (re: her behavior toward me). And you’re absolutely right: her avoiding any confrontation that precipitated from her behavior and treatment of me only made things worse. So, I had to end it. My sanity and self-worth are worth more to me than a relationship where I’m constantly made to feel like shit. So, thank you for the validation.
Appreciate the comment Sean!
Can you imagine if there was subtle ways where you can tell if your date is a possible avoidant dismissive type, that’s what we all need to know but great point.
Oh my Goodness... its me. But you've never spoken more truth, its the Trauma and the healing involved in getting over it. I get horrible anxiety and I will do anything in the world to avoid it.
Thanks for all your videos that I've been binge watching :) This is my first time commenting... It is both depressing and heartening to see so many people leaving comments here (and elsewhere) with their experiences with DAs. I think the shear number of people impacted by this garbage points to a MAJOR public health / mental health... dare I say... pandemic... (epidemic ?). It is *crazy* that so many of us other "types" have gotten so tangled up, blindsided, and destroyed by these people... maybe there are repeat posters / commenters on other YT videos from other coaches etc. - but everyone of those channels dealing with this topic is also absolutely loaded with comments about being flattened by DA shenanigans. Honestly, I stumbled upon all of this attachment style topic after several years of my repeatedly trying to fan the flames and hold out hope to rekindle something with a person who claimed they absolutely "adored" me and thought I was "amazing"... then just abruptly ditched me... blowing up everything including the basis of what started as a work relationship, turned into a good friendship (so I thought), then romantic / intimate... and going on 5 years down the line appears to have actually all been so much manipulative bullshit.
They definitely destroy you mentally and emotionally
Wow coach...you perfectly described my ex DA at 7:02 min and has also said exactly what you stated,"maybe I was meant to be alone".
I loved this video!!! ❤️
Thank you!
Mine is in his fifties and I’ve told him that he’s an “emotional fetus”… several times…arguing…yup 🤣👍
🤣
😃
Saving this for potential future use
You're so telling the truth. He hasn't come after me in 38 years and I'm done. I've given him all of me and he's not walking with me. He's always a rebel. Your words are spot on.
Thanks for contributing! 🙏🏾
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈.
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsap.
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's
I left because my emotional needs weren’t being met he ghosted me then reappeared 2 weeks later to then ghost me again. I told him how that made me feel and to not bother me anymore if it’s not going to lead to an in person talk. I know what I deserve and left it at that. Whether he comes back or not is irrelevant to me moving forward with my life with or without him. He can continue to look for the one 😂 and relive this with other women. Working on becoming more secure so I can stop attracting DA’s.
This makes plenty sense . My DA and I split and at first I wasn’t getting any response . I went NC and he reached out . So from there we chit chat here and there . We actually saw each other when I needed him and the vibes are still strong . We shall see
How long was NC?
Hey Court!!! I'm on a break from my IG so I've been watching here. You drove the point home in a way I've never heard presented. They are/ can be subconsciously dismissing concerns and freezing. I always perceived it as just Avoiding conflict or people that trigger their core wounds over time etc I think you laid it out nicely by showing the subconscious strategy of them perceiving that things are gonna end so they freeze etc.
And very eye opening the explanation for the insecure attachment isn't always our definition of trauma- just leaving a child alone becuz of a parent working can cause the nervous system trauma and induced maladaptive behaviors
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help..
I am a compassionate person but I’m fed tf up and he is a grown man who can get help. Boo effing hoo. He wanna be miserable and alone, let him.
My DA ex rather live in pain and suffering, than to reach out to me, say sorry and try to build things back with me. They are miserable, I'm glad im a AP, the pain was horrible after break up but now when I'm healed I feel happy.
same story... you know what he writes to me repeatedly after we broke up? "I'm thinking about you". Like these words are everything he can express.
@@volperossa2020 Well, you got something at least, my ex is silent, I went no contact and it's been almost 6 months now, at this point I dont even want her to contact me ever again as I'm in a good place. But first month or two I wanted her to msg me "I'm thinking about you" would be nice.
@@cheytacpraetoriancomposite3413 I blocked him. I don't want to get from him another "I'm thinking about you". I want a call
@@volperossa2020 Are you sure you want to struggle with this type of connection? I love my ex to bits but I dont want to hear from her againt because I know it wont work.
@@volperossa2020 how can he call you if you’ve blocked him?
How do this type of person problem solve real life issues? If you fold in for smell petty things How can you develop long lasting maturity and evolve as a person? It's a complete turn off and a disappointment. I'll call u out. Just running from your problems. All they do is run and block ppl
Am guilty of this.am usually passive when problems arise i rather not deal with it at all.my x still tryning to find closure but i cant bring myself to face her.iv ghosted her 1 yr ago.had a few hook up but im the problem maybe im ment to be alone in life.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈.
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsap.
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's
DA broke up with me (FA, leaning towards anxious, trying to become secure ) a month ago. Was pulled between having hope in no contact or just giving up on it altogether. We still stalked each other’s stories and I wanted to say something, but I rather not chase. Part of it is out of my own fear, but also here to chase after someone who always fears showing vulnerability.
Update?
5:48 they're aware of whats going on but never enough to alter their behavior..... maaannn they can GET DUNKED ON!!!
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
Thanks, Coach. No longer with my avoidant but I know whom to avoid now & understand them so I can help my friends that have these problems.
Why they won’t chase you:
1:40 - 1. Conflict avoidant. They want to avoid conflict. They want to avoid uncomfortable topics. When they were younger, their parent may have yelled at them or weren't around so they self soothe themselves and did not learn how to resolve conflict. They don't have the skill set to build a stronger bond.
3:24 - 2. They may feel ashamed or guilty. They feel if they avoid it then it'll go away.
3:55 They don't know how to get out of hot water (or being a bad bf/gf, etc. and we see it as healthy communication skill or solving issues. They think, in order for things not to get worse, they shell up but in reality it just gets worse. They're used to sweeping things under the rug but that doesn't happen in relationships.
6:14 - 3. It makes them too vulnerable or look weak. They don't want to seem like they need you or you were that special. It comes back to how much they had to work as a younger kid to be independent (to be alone, to help pay bills, etc).
my most recent ex is exactly 100% this without a doubt 🙁 i was so confused for so long why she wouldn't even bother to repair the otherwise very petty damage done from a very minor misunderstanding, but every single time i tried to come back like 2 or 3 times later in the form of "are you SURE you don't wana talk about this?" it would just end in another argument after she would describe her end in very vague nonsensical ways (almost like she wanted me to
guess what's wrong instead of actually
talking about it like any adult would) and then she'd get hostile & unruly just because i didn't respond to her exactly the way she wanted me to. it still hurts a lot. i wish she still cared like how i did. someone who i grew so close to but left that easily really messed me up pretty bad
Wow that sounds eerily familiar lol. It was like that for mine too. There was also a lack of accountability on her part, and this very frustrating unwillingness to actually DEAL with the issues. I think that sometimes they blame their partners for everything as some kind of “defense mechanism” in order to not have to face some very uncomfortable truths about themselves. So they’ll blame you (us), and justify their decision because of their “feelings.” Them getting angry or annoyed with us as a result of us actually trying to discuss the issue(s), only fortifies their fears, insecurities and unresolved traumas, which in turn triggers them to run instead of face and deal with the problems.
@@blaxpoitation8528
i attempted bout two to three times to hit her up across the span of a few weeks to talk things out. last time we talked was my birthday and she was pretty stuborn for no good reason..like she tried to explain herself (at least i assume she "tried") but it was all such very vague messages with no real point or elaboration like "you make me feel this way, U KNOW WHAT YOU DID". i think the reason why she doesn't elaborate is because she honestly doesn't any real valid thing to be mad about like how you put it. it's really sad how she never really wanted to talk about problems and have healthy arguments rather she would make it into a fight nearly every time. it's like it was a personal attack to her every time (even when it was far from it)
despite all this im lowkey kinda still hoping she's gonna reach out eventually. like maybe in a month or two (if my attempts to be the one to reach out didn't already kill those chances). bottom line we honestly shouldn't have ever split, it was so unnecessary.
Just went through this same thing. Ego & pride
@@blaxpoitation8528 bingo
this is exactly my situation
When you really think long and hard about it, what the partner of a DA is experiencing from the DA, must be almost exactly what the DA experienced from their parents or caregivers in their childhood. After all, apart from the coping strategies they have created for themselves, we learn about how to relate to others from our parents.
My spouses mother was a very extreme DA who was actually institutionalised as mentally unwell. My spouse now behaves almost exactly as her mother did, and she can't even see it.
Agreed
Very true. My ex complained that her mother and her prevoius boyfriend were cold and uncommunicative, and that she never got any support. When the day came that she was in serious need of support from me she was unable to recieve it and just snapped at me for offering it. When she felt that I needed support she simply turned her back on me and broke up "until we both are doing better again". Any attempt to speak about these patterns just pushed her away further. The shame of the DA behaviors makes them unable to acknowledge and work on them. I went from being her partner and best friend to just being a source of pressure and shame. Maybe I could have done better by staying patient for longer, but it took so much out of me. The DA attachment style is truly tragic.
I agree. They're inflicting the same wound on others. Hurt people hurt people.
I can say without a doubt that I have never been blind sided, disappointed, and hurt like this ever in my life. It's been nearly 4 months of no contact, I have not cried even though I feel it would be beneficial. For two weeks in February, I was physically incapacitated. Somatic symptoms had my gastrointestinal in chaos. I could write a book.💔
@@joycejones5881so sorry for your pain. I realise these words will sound incredibly weak and meaningless right now, but breathe in, breathe out, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Do the healthy things to heal yourself - exercise, eat healthily, walk in nature, meditate. Not only will things get better, but you will learn and grow and evolve from this and one day soon you will be the best version of yourself you’ve ever been. Sending you love and light and healing energy ☺️🙏🏼💚
My DA chased me. For some weird reason. But he’s a lot more secure now.
did you block him?
@@volperossa2020 I think that's not a good idea if you might want to get back with them in the future
@@volperossa2020 we’ve broken up at least 6 times in the past three years. the guy who once would flee after spending less than a day with me will now want to stay the entire weekend. the guy who didn’t want to have a commitment talk two years ago is now buying a house for us to move into. i will also say I’ve never waited more than a week for him to come back. And as you can see by the amount of times we’ve broken up and the length of the relationship, it took a lot of time for him to become more secure with me. At the end of the day a person will try if they really want it. But the first step you have to take is stepping away from anything that’s not serving you. It’s hard, it hurts but you have to realize until you respect your needs/wants and boundaries, no one else will.
@Sometimescloudy sometimes I wished he wouldn’t come back but he would never let me go longer than a week.
@Sometimescloudy sounds like a fearful avoidant
My ex called me from a random number and told me he went to two thrapy sessions late last year and now he is heald and in a much better place,while I congratulated him, i told him he should probably be going to thrapy more then once or twice sense hes a avoidant and 1 or 2 sessions isnt going to heal years of trauma..he got upset at me and told me one of the main reasons we broke up is because i always assume the worst like hes a bad person and nothing is ever good enough..mind you he had never spoke of anything like that while we were together and we broke up because he kept ghosting me and deactivating after we would get really close and have a good time together..at the time i had no clue he was a avoidant my ex was and is a good guy,but hes a lot to deal with and seems like he cant control his behaviors when he needs space..instead of saying he needs space he always does something unnecessary to sabotage us..so I just stopped trying to get close,he claims I gave up on him and kinda blames me as the reason why were not together, it's very annoying to me but I understand he has core wounds, he said the therapist told him he is somewhat narcissistic but I believe that's because she may not specify in detachment trauma? or know anything about avoidants? anyways I told him about your channel..but he doesn't seem interested in watching you I dont put in pressure on him because were not together and I dont believe he is all of a sudden healed after two session.. but that's what hes telling himself because he wants us to get back together and I'm really not interested in going through the marry go round dance that he does...I truly believe he needs to be actively seeking thrapy..but it seems like he doesn't want that for some reason..
its such a pity that me and my ex DA could have had the best love story..i loved him more than my life, but he left me and never explained why...after knowing about DA traits i now know why he behaved the way he did..and how my anxiety pushed him further away..i gave him my all and i think even if we had continued it would have ended in the similar manner the way it did..6 years trying to convince him, trying to make him love me was quite draining..he knows how much he means to me and what i can do for him.. still he pushed me away brutally.but i forgive him and myself and wish him a good life..life is weird...i guess it was not meant to be...
Seven years of dating for me and I finally learned why, she is a DA.
What was your last question, it didn't quite come through. You mentioned something about the rain and I couldn't read the rest.
@@pacs0508 I was a bit sad..it was raining two days back and I was feeling low thinking about my past..so I asked if you also get sad when you get flashbacks from the past ...it's been 7 months since my breakup...n I guess I have not yet healed...
Are you a real person?🙂
@@pacs0508 what kind of a question is that! Ofcourse I am real.
God forbid your partner feeling special.... these people are psychos stay far far away from them... unless you want to go insane or become an alcoholic
I won't chase anyone ever not even closest of friends or family. Now ofc if I'm in the wrong I do everything I can to address it and make things right, but if I fall out w someone that's it.
Thanks for sharing that insight.
My DA ex broke up with me 6 months ago. On the 1st, 2nd and 6th month after break up, he reached out.. but to my sister.. saying he’s not okay. But when i reach out to him.. my messages were just ignored. I’m getting confused.. my messages were not even about us.. but merely hoping he’s doing okay, that this will pass. So.. yeah.. he’s reaching out but doesn’t want to get reached either 🤷🏻♀️
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈.
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsap.
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's
So much wisdom... thanks. My interactions with this person have compromised my mental health. Love that you're using Dr Peterson's quotes as well 👍🏾🤗
I study WAY too much 😅
Dr. Peterson is the man 🤙
100%.. so good. I wish i could send this to my ex but i am avoidant and he is anxiously attached and i know he deserves better.
You can become that better
You’ve given me so much insight.. understanding is everything. Thank you.. you explain things so well.
My da ex broke up with me out the blue. It wasn't our first break up. The first two we took responsibility for our ownselves and personal feelings. This time...he put all the blame on me. Eventhough that really hurt, and was unfair, at the time of the break up, i didn't fight it, but offered "healthy communication"... that have felt like hot water. 6 weeks later and 0 communication. The problem was amplified vs resolved as he is well aware how emotionally damaging the silent treatment is he has now taught me, it is a weapon he will use against anyone especially when it is unnecessary 😥. Wish i could encourage him to get your sessions, but we know, people have to want to change on their own.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together.
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's
I have avoidant personality. I definitely agree with ur statements. I hate conflict. I don’t know how to fix my relationship so I’d rather to just not deal with it. I don’t get close to anyone.
Thank you for contributing Shawna. 🙏🏾
can I just ask you as someone dealing w/ a recent breakup from an avoidant woman....why is it so hard just to express yourself? I personally feel conflict arises more when issues are unresolved, I don't feel that discussing issues or misunderstandings in a relationship is necessarily 'conflict'. But again just my opinion
@@TM-173 I agree. It's the ego and trauma-fed cynicism that's the conflict creator.
@@equalitarianbiologist2327 truth and I see that now. I don't regret dating her bc I learned a lot of what type of behaviors/ red flags to avoid next time around so it wasn't all in vain. I kinda feel sorry for her actually and the more info that's shed on this type of behavior, the more the awareness to just leave them stew in their own misery or seek help
That's the best option for everyone.
If it thinks like a narcissist, behaves like a narcissist, and leaves you feeling like you were abused by a narcissist (silent treatments, dismissive, stuck in the past, maladaptive, thwart intimacy & progress, exaggerated self protectiveness etc), it is a narcissist. Avoid.
Very interesting, Coach Court! I guess negotiating and communicating our needs in a kind manner helps the avoidant.
The delivery is important.
This was so helpful, I needed this . It explains my x you a T. I thought he was a covert narc ( had all the signs) understanding that he had childhood traumas and would actually act childlike at times. Like he would go back to his inner child. This really explains a lot. Wow, it really wasn’t me.
❤️❤️❤️
I've dated him too lol
How to differentiate between an avoidant and a narc ?
@@Shehroz-Ali I don’t know. Maybe some people are both.
Thanks...wish I'd found this video 4 months ago. I think I'm dating an avoidant and it's Been a Rollercoaster ride. Nice guy but dismiss al my feelings and never want to talk about anything. It was going well until I brought up a certain topic. He finally ended it..and I'm still trying to understand why
Brilliant content Again. Absolutely nailed it . Geez wouldn’t it be nice if they taught people about attachment styles in school. Xx💚🌸🇦🇺
That would change the whole game!
Love that end quote! So happy I subscribed to this channel! I appreciate the in-depth perceptions and reassurance
That means a lot to me. Thank you for being here🙏🏾
Me too. l got a lot of closure and relief from that end quote.
I lovee your style, from what I’ve seen so far your content is much more related to my personal understanding of life compared to other coaches I’ve come across before. More involved in spiritual truth than petty game playing. Love it. I’m not interested in playing games. You gotta emanate love to attract love, 100%!
Thanks for the feedback Claire! ❤️
It sux so many of the people comnenting have had such a sad outcome with their dissmissive types. I understand the pain and confusion of living in ambiguity, but if you're gentle and calm with them (kinda like a lil squirrel lol) it can be a safe spot for this attachment style to grow and thats anazing to be a part of. 💖
Oh and can't stress enough that you'll need to find some of the emotional connect you're not getting from this one person from other places too. Friends, family, community.. You cant really expect anyone to fullfill all Ur emotional needs and reassurance. We can learn from each other. 🤍
Yeah, but won't that start getting very draining and feel like you're raising a grown person in a while? Even if you're getting stuff from other places, that's your partner.
@@whatisearth yup. I don't recommend seeing that situation as a potential forever relationship. But it can be a learning experience that's not so tough if you genuinely care and connect. 🙂
My person quit talking to me suddenly 8 months ago. I have reached out and just silence in return. So heartbroken.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Whatz'app him for help
十2348050772031⏯⏯(☉｡☉)!.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together.
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈.
he chased me. I broke up with warm ans loving goodbye. he wrote me after 1 month, I disn't reply. he wrote me again after 1 month , I replied with "I'm just fine" and blocked him. Ineed to heal
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together
@✛19059193258❤⏯⏯눈‸눈.
M e s s a g e h i m f o r h e l p o n w h a tsap.
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's
But oddly I guess that was my mistake, I scared her of ,but what really scares me and worrys me is that some stupid fuck might marry her and abuse her maybe it the love or I know It's none of my business, but that how I feel,I pray God gives her courage and wisdom, health,and a life full of happiness and abundance!
Woah…. Almost time for that 10k fiesta!!
Amazing work ❤️❤️
It’s so close haha. Hi Cathy! 👋🏾
@@IamCoachCourt hey you! I’m so happy for you
Hi Coach my ex 46 is a DA , your right it is very sad ! Unfortunately, I didn’t figure it out until after our breakup , only difference is he has been chasing me for 2 & 1/2 years since our breakup , but it’s very hot and cold , everything is on his terms for control ! Him just wanting me for fwb! Which I tried , but doesn’t work for me . Like you said compassion and empathy is the key ! Thank You 🙏🏾
shit...i just realised im a dismissive avoidant
Self awareness is the first step
Coach Court absolutely right. Self-awareness is the first step. Be kind to yourself. I'd like to think would be the second step. I hope the best for you
So you're fond of fleeing 🙃
He doesn't love you the way you love him- think about that.
Hey Coach, such a sensible and sensitive explanation..thankU 4that..What are ur thoughts on the codependancy paradox? It's something that seemingly contradicts much of the self help strategies out there..very confusing when trying to "do the work". Ur explanations are so sympathetic and empathetic that I'm confident if anyone could explain this in a very relatable way; that would be you!
wow, absolutely amazing content! so helpful.
Thanks for watching my videos 🙏🏾
I really like my avoidant boyfriend. He has some quirks but he's not hurting anyone. He seems to do things differently that's all... Like the cat.
Like the cat!
Came across your channel. Great advice. Can you timestamp your videos... at times I like to focus on certain aspects. Thanks. Keep up the good work 👍
Why the fk would we walk on eggshells for a person that wouldn’t an doesn’t do the same thing for us though ?
Sorry you're hurting Nicole.
@@IamCoachCourt thank you i know I should leave him for good an never look back I know I deserve better than he gives me I don’t know how to actually stay away for good it’s literally mental abuse I realized they gaslight manipulate you silent treatment stone walled so much like narcissist it effects you mentally never mind emotionally u can see such good in them but it’s always something that’s just not right or off that I lack I don’t want to live like this forever but I love him I want to leave him so bad though for good because he holds me back from finding someone that truly does love us wholeheartedly with actions and words an my standards an self esteem has been destroyed being with him I don’t know if he realizes internally the damage they cause us after years together it’s disgusting you can’t love someone to be healthy and healed
@@Nicole-fl8gv you have to always do what’s best for your mental health
I don't know you but I feel for you! I'm hurting just the same. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. We love our men... I don't have a solution either. Try to seek the truth. And in the mean time, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF in every possible way.
@@Marcianamusic_ thank you ! I hope you feel better too soon ! I was so distraught! I started therapy and believe it or not he is going to start it next week so hopefully 🙏 our relationship will be healed and healthy not the toxic way it has been for the past 2 years! I’ll keep you in my prayers as well
I just broke up with one after a year and a half of on again, off again. She was always messaging other guys during the relationship, one foot always out the door, keeping her options open. This is also why they move on so quick and never look back, they have many guys all ready lined up.
I am your new subscriber. Thanks for your video.
🙏🏾 thank you for being here
But what if the avoidant broke up with you? We had an argument(about lack of communication on her end from staying away and working on herself.) She spazzed and told me to please leave her alone, delete her photos, she just wants to be happy, and she hopes I can respect that. She is a worst case of a fearful avoidant, we both felt like we were soul mates and to just throw away a relationship without working things out really hurts. It was a toxic relationship, but not because either one of use was verbally downing the other, but because we were two broken people that met at the wrong time. When I wanted to better myself, she wasn't there to help me out and vice versa. She has a lot of trauma from past relationships and family issues. Will she come back? It's even harder because it's long distance(different countries)and I was about to give up my life here and move in with her over there
Coach Thank You! You hit the nail on the head:)
🙏🏾
Do you think if an avoidant comes back once they are more likely to come back again?
My DA came back repeatedly.
they will, if they can manipulate you!
@@cherylthompson2731 And?
@@cherylthompson2731 why do you think he did this? Are you sure he's not a narcissist?
Thank you for the insight.
Do you have feedback on how to foster a sense of safety that fosters healthy communication?
So incredibly helpful THANK YOU!
Thank you Shayla 🙏🏾
Hope you’re subscribed!
4:53 You cannot really have a strong connection with an avoidant...
Ultimately this is pathetic. Childish, Ridiculous. Smh
This is helpful thanks 🙏🏾
🙏🏾🙏🏾
Great advice ! Thank you so much !
Watching this as an avoidant who has been left by his avoidant ex wife. I’ve been working on my issues for the past year but she wasn’t able to see my changes. We have children together so it won’t be possible to disconnect (as we both have in our past) but I do want her back. I don’t know if reaching out or trying to tackle our issues is the best method or simply hoping that at some point she will see my changes and want to come back. This is new ground for me and I’m not sure how to proceed.
Self-Awareness and therapy is best start for both
@@IamCoachCourt thanks for your response. Whilst my ex is highly intelligent and emotionally intelligent I don’t know if she’s ready to do the work. Either way I have no control over what she chooses to do so I’ve decided to continue to do the work on myself and be the best father I can be.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again
my ex is back to me we loving and
happily together, I got help from a
man who brought us back together..
He helped me not quite long and I got my husband who left me over two years ago within 48 hour's.
a da isn't doing anything, and, in a sense, they are right. mine deactivated (i think), and has never really been unkind to me. just dissmissive and avoidant. which, to a secure attacher, is just seeking independence and not a big deal
Coach, 2 months no contact since the breakup 4 year relationship (he is AD) should I text to wish happy birthday or just leave it?
So I had a crush with this girl,and she's 28 I think,so my question why would she run away avoiding even a friend ship,and I express that I would help her open up and be patience,and it's got so frustrated to trust her and because she just couldn't comprehend, I mean,it's not
Bean so long that I'm really having a hard time even remember her 💔.
Yeah I tried because I went thrupght that faze,but hey she cut ties I'm over it I just hope she finds someone that will have a kind heart and be pacience with get I loved her iner child moments it just drove me crazy and I fell more in love because I was already in my head imagining, her by my side and being pacience and warm loveble so she could grow confident one sma step at a time!
Wow that vid was amazing man !! Thank youv
🙏🏾🙏🏾
X gf of 12 years broke up withme and is now quiet for 2 months ...not a word from her side ...so frustrating..not sure if she is seeing anyone in silence
Really good and sound advice
Thanks Marco
So what should you do then? Reach out or not?
Coach, what if it WAS him who scrued it by saying f.. k off while beeing drink, after a few hours back saying iI love you, after 3 years of being together??? It obviously was the relationship full of ups and downs and even 7 months of a break BUT it was the best time for us together the recent one. And all of the sudden... Boom! After that party. What should i think nów, what should i do????
My ex Broke up with me, she cared for me and was nice to me at the beginning, then I begged and got no where and she was getting angry, came across couch channel and it helped save me and I went no contact. My ex reached out after one month of no contact but not to get back but to deliberately hurt me by telling me she has found someone else and that she hates me and that she never loved me. Then she blocked me everywhere and told me not to ever contact her, even though I had not contacted her for over a month and it was her contacting me. She has also made fake accounts on social media to embarrass me. She is deliberately going out of her way to hurt me, she is in a rebound but I can’t understand why she is trying to hurt me, I am already emotionally devastated.Couch why has no contact triggered this hattered in my ex and so much animosity towards me?
Idk, that sounds like she had something going on other than Attachment issues.
Sounds like a narcissistic trait. My ex went on a smear campaign at the end of our marriage. It was emotionally devastating. Not sure I would be here without the support of friends and family who stuck by me. My response was to show compassion and understanding. She’s in pain. She feels hurt that you haven’t been consistent in showing her love. To her it’s probably added to the confirmation bias of the bad character she has created in her mind therefore the abuse is seen as justified.
Know that her words are not a true reflection of you of the partner that you were. It’s a projection of her pain, her insecurities and her past trauma. When you realise that you can be compassionate from afar.
Hi my relationship is fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, l got help from a great man who brought us back together.
Contact him
@@dicerevo thanks for the support your reply really helped and is my situation exactly, I am a good guy and will always be compassionate. No contact has really helped me in trying to move on. Staying strong 💪