Going No Contact with a Dismissive Avoidant
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
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In this video, coach Courtney Gatlin talks about what you'll potentially see when you go no contact with a dismissive avoidant. As a general rule, a dismissive won't be the ones to reach out and try to re-engage the relationship.
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Learn more about the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment with this PLAYLIST:
• The Dismissive Avoidan...
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It’s crazy that every video I watch is like he’s telling me about myself it’s exciting to know what I am and how I can grow in who I am
Hope it helps you!
Coach Court it definitely is thanks much... do you have videos of the other types that I can watch
Willie Georges I have anxious preoccupied videos and will dive deep soon into fearful avoidants
Coach Court ok I’ll be looking out for those
Same here....it was frighteningly familiar... i wish id had found him 6months ago...could've resolved it long ago....but i didnt, but gained myself and got valuable information...best coach on RUclips
Well I will never know. I've given up on this person. I will not be reaching out. How much rejection can a person take. And for what, loving them? It's unfair and abusive. I have to protect myself.
Always!! Guard your mental health
How's it going now Elle? Getting stronger or gone back?
@@OregonSingles not back but not stronger. At least not apparently. He's been reaching out more but idk a few days ago I looked at myself and felt upset. I'm still me and he's a super cheap, emotionally speaking, version of who he was. He wants me to the stay the same and give me nothing. So I'm not NC but I barely respond. I'm even annoyed at how he is slipping terms of endearment and things now. I shouldn't have to make myself small for kibble of affection. It isn't right and I don’t trust it. I'm never the type to walk away. I try to be brave but a little heart goes a long way with me. I finally accepted that it is what it is so I'm busy with school, work, my side business, my family. What has showing up 150% with love, patience, and good will netted me? Lazy texts from someone who was so into us and flipped? Just shrugging at me but not gone? I don't get it and I don’t need to get it.
No, I'm not back. Just trying to get through this part day by day and moving on
Elle B living that life right now too. It’s hard.
@@elle381 thank you for your story. I tried six years with an avoidant or covert narcissist imo. Very draining, extremely painful. Gave it all, got nothing in return....I wanted to make it work, but no chance with a person like this.
I was obsessed and emotional addicted and it had bad influences on all parts of my life.
We are both in our 50.
She finally moved out, I thought I wouldn't survive.
It's only been a week, but surprisingly I am doing better than before. It's like a big dark cloud lifted. She already reached out, but only to walk the dog. I said already no before she left, so I didnt even respond.
It's my dog and I don't want us stuck waiting everytime she walks away.
She had moved out in the past and moved back in and I was very happy then....but I just got more of the same rejective treatment from her.
If other people grieve the loss of the good times....we never had them, because she ruined every one of them. Her avoidance kicks in even stronger after something nice has happened. One moment I felt finally good, started to relax, next moment I got dumped.
Right now I am not looking for anybody, just want to be a good pack leader to my dog.
But they sure don't mind rejecting somebody else! They don't want to get hurt but they have No problem hurting the other person to "Save" themselves. They want you to understand Them but don't try at all to understand You
Yeah. It's all about them and your failure to understand them and their needs. Meanwhile they've done NOTHING to address your own. They don't even appreciate your obvious efforts.
Omg, literally me with my recent ex. I was always tying myself in knots trying to accommodate his needs but if I wasn’t a needless, emotionless robot at all times I was triggering to him. Didn’t see him ever trying to give a crap about what I wanted or needed.
Right!!!!
😢😢
It's so sad to see how many people are disappointed by a DA partner 😞 it's just so draining and hopeless
There’s always hope. Every relationship is different with lots of variables
It’s is draining I’d rather not focus on the hope of keeping a relationship with her. She’s let me down to many times. It’s time to move on for me and find someone who actually wants me around.
I tried dating a DA, and I wasn't sure her attachment style until recently. Their part, their balance to the relationship scale just is not acceptable. You have to look at it from the other person's perspective. Love, or friendship is a two way street. That is THEE rule for healthy relationships. You can't be the one to give and give and give, without getting something significant back.
I am sorry, but DAs NEED therapy. They do. You cannot expect a healthy happy marriage when the scale is completely off balanced.
Well...it's sad how people are untrustworthy and will up and leave over petty reasons. I'm a DA and thank God I'm wired this way it protected me from fake ppl which is 90 % of the population
@@crystalclimenhage7159 😆 You aren't wired to be a DA. Nor are people wired to be specific other attachments. It is okay if you are happy with yourself, just stay out of dating. I have had experience trying to date a DA. Fcked me up and she broke my heart.
“They look for your flaws…” YES. Despite being empathetic and patient, I apparently don’t deserve the same grace when I’m not perfect all the time.
ye
Same here, god forbid I make one mistake.. but him? I always forgave! 🤦🏾♀️ I refuse to run behind him. NC it is!
Who goes into relationship looking for flaws? . This girl I am talking to will always pick flaws , and I just playfully call her the flaw investigator and i am looking for the next flaw she will pick. It was like an everyday thing . Haha .
And if someone always wants distance and will likely go on hook ups, they are not what I want. That is really unhealthy …
THISC
Why would anyone watching this want to go back to an avoidant? It's a cold miserable existence devoid of what a true relationship should be! After the first few months, it's torture.... Break the trauma bond and move on!
Agree make a head over heart decision on this one...your future self will thankyou
They're A LOT of work. Their own fears will sabotage the relationship. They will suddenly leave you. If you are in the early stages of a relationship with one, run!
Yeah they sabotage the whole thing and it just destroys you watching it all unfold.
Don't you dare interrupt them as they purposely destroy it either lol
So true, broken people. My DA was posting a new guy kissing before the 2 month mark lol. Dudes a copy and paste of me??
My intuition was screaming and it was right. Broke up with him and ran at the early stages cause I already dated avoidants in the past, can’t make that mistake again.
I'm not dating a DA ever again. They're not mature enough to date anyone. Most older DAs are alone and have no friends.
Honestly, they have such a lack of emotional matureness. Zero accountability for their actions
Oh mate I was with one for 2 years and always wondered why she had no friends now I know why
@@Matt-ee3qgSometimes they have tons of friends but no one truly to be there or that are truly connected to.
I absolutely don't want him back. He pulled away from me and I walked away. It feels so good to be free from the emotionally unavailable nonsense.
I have dated 2 avoidants in the past and just recently got out of a relationship with one, just now learned about these attachment styles and I will never, I repeat, NEVER again date another avoidant. It's too much work for little to no reward. It's simply not worth it.
I'm an avoidant and reciprocate ..I dunno maybe cuz im aware...only if the person is worthy to and genuine
@@crystalclimenhage7159 If you're aware then at least you can work towards becoming more secure. I used to have an anxious attachment style but I've worked on it for multiple years and I'm very close to having a secure attachment style now, although I'm not 100% there yet :)
How did you know that they are avoidant?
@@azbycx46 I read about it afterwards and realized that they fit like a glove with the description of an avoidant. Could never figure out why they behaved the way they did until I came across the term and started digging.
I have dated 3 avoidants as well 😢. I learnt about this attachment after the last one dumped me for no reason after 2 months. 4 months in no contact now, trying to move on.
One joke toxic thing about the avoidant, is there unrealistic expectations on relationships, recently been broken up with a DA and at first I was sad (and still have my moments) but now I feel free. Noway in hell will I break no contact to see how they are doing, they messed up hard when they let me go, they are going to either find out the hard way and come crying begging and proof change to get me back, or I just have to trust God has someone much better for me. The more i find out about DA’s the more turned off I am and over my toxic ex. 2 years together and thrown away because of there disrespect and fear.
And also the hook up/ rebound things post break up. Its a deal breaker for me. They always think the grass is greener on the other-side when things get tough and not fully invested in their current relationship. They’re not able to do long term committed relationship until they’re aware of their actions and healed from their childhood trauma.
I think you got it WRONG buddy! It is definitely NOT worth it pursuing a dismissive avoidant (DA). It is a complete waste of your time, money, energy, and resources. Why pursue someone who isn't emotionally available and will gladly treat a stranger better than they will treat you? Heeeeeeeck NO!!!
I've been there, done that, and will never ever everrrrrr do it again!
Rick James Thank you for your wisdom. If sometime hurt you who was emotionally unavailable I’m sending out vibrations of forgiveness for you. 🙏🏾
@@komatsu8169 true
Agree. All the videos asking us to tiptoe around them and sacrifice our happiness ... it is completely draining!
I keep saying that the DA needs to work with therapy. They literally have problems deep within them that are not natural. Trauma primarily is their problem. If they can do serious therapy/counseling for that event and talk out the stuff, they may be able to change their style completely.
@@komatsu8169 why is this so true lol
I say it’s NOT worth it. If you aren’t too far in, RUN. I’m married to mine and it’s been nothing but heartbreak.
Hey, one year later, are you still with your partner ?
So glad I'm discovering this now. It's been "only" 9 months of pure confusion and crushed self esteem before I started researching any of this. I've been left hanging on so many occasions and let me tell you, I'm sure many of you know, there is nothing worse than to keep shoving your needs aside and being left hanging over and over. Feeling inadequate, feeling all yourb flaws under a microscope...I've never felt more alone in my life than with this person. At least now I have answers. My self esteem has taken a dive and it's made my anxious attachment tendencies even worse. Being called needy for wanting to spend more than 1-2 hours a week together...I decided to go no contact when he decided to take another vacation for 2 weeks for his birthday and says he "isn't ready" to include me yet.
Hope you've gotten out by now. Dont lose yourself to this selfish person
I resonate with this and am 6 weeks out. Their selfishness is astounding - intentionally or not.
Wow… I had to “research” as I was do confused 🙄…
Your not alone. I went through something so similar. They leave you off balanced and confused as well.
Good for you Kelsey. Most people need a connection, and it is not ok to check out of a relationship for two weeks without saying a word.
You just summarized my four year heart wrenching relationship with the man I love but I am broken, exhausted, drained, empty, heart broken due to his DA behavior and he has no intention of getting help or changing. I will never ever again hope to fall in love with a DA. It is impossible. Unless youre okay with feeling like shit most of the time. Working on my own wounds now. Feels like I have been wrestling a lion and carressing a kitten, which could turn any time in to this lion again.
I am so sad. He has a good heart. But he is broken. And now me too.
It was hurtful at first, but im good now after 3 months. He was just breadcrumbing me anyway. He is not worth my time, DAs are most likely narcissts also. I wish I’d never met with him.
Then, why you are here at all?
This is how my ex is. He’s very avoidant and walks away in and out it’s draining. Then when he comes in he acts all loving then the next switches up on me. And blames me ENTIRELY on everything. It’s so toxic. And abusive. I did effort mainly and chased him for far too long and gave him chance after chance. I’m done with him and had my realizations recently I’m fed up.
He is a narcissist not an avoidant.
Me and the DA broke up over a month after 4 years of back and forth. I’m an AP but have been working on becoming more secure. DA’s can be nice people with great qualities but I wouldn’t recommend trying to get back with one unless you are ok with being the only one fighting for the rel when things get rough. This is unhealthy for you, do you truly want someone who says “they are just fine being alone” “you need too much” think about it...8 years from now, can you manage to resolve every argument on your own without lowering your self esteem each time? The DA will never fight there mode is to flight. Do you want to have kids with someone who really dosnt value relationships as much as you do?
I know you love them and just want it to work but it’s better to find yourself a secure or anxious partner. Don’t spend years trying to be on your best behavior hoping they will magically gets attached the way you do, it’s not possible they will leave you high and dry then you will beg them back and suppress your own needs then you start to become disconnected.
Work on becoming more secure so you won’t feel the need to chase. Good luck I know how painful it all is.
Thank you for sharing Sophia!
Yes thanks for sharing your point of view,and be vulnerable,I'm mostly in the secure type of attachment and I don't understand why always is the anxious part the one who needs to do a change or the one who make the big effort,the patience ,in almost all the videos that I see are about the anxious person copping with the DA partner,why can be the DA the one to need to be patient,the one to make the big effort, from my point of view being extremely individual is more risky ,is about make bridges not throwing them witch and empatic anxious understand the concept better (of course not talking about extremes !!)
ugh, I feel like maybe I should just run away now, instead of investing more time. We've been together for a year, it has ups and downs, and now (when things started being more serious) they have distanced, half ass broken up with me (but not completely) and I feel left high and dry and like he doesnt value the relationship. I can move on now, it may be better for me, :(
@@sofiapaladino5172 same boat we got close then he ran. High and dry. I don't understand or know what to think, feel or do 😔
Hi Sophia. Do you think that if they work on healing their attachment style and moving towards a more secure type it is possible to make progress in the relationship? Do you think that, with work on both sides, the relationship can eventually get to a good place?
"Is it worth getting your DA ex back? It CAN be." With respect, I disagree, at least in my case. My relationship was full of love bombs, future faking, and emotional abuse, followed by more love bombing, future faking, and lies upon lies. She pretended to be someone she wasn't in order to keep me in her life while she waited for "the one" to take her back. Then discarded me as if I never existed. No apologies, no "thank you for keeping me company," nothing. Any emotions she shared were part of any one of 8 different personas she took on in order to cope with the world. No one knows who she really is, including herself.
Sounds like you may have been dealing with monkey branching or someone who was a narcissist
I'm sorry that happened to you :( that's why he said it CAN be, not that it always is. In your case it wasn't, and that sucks!
@@thehealingfairee Thanks for commenting, I love your channel ☺️
@@IamCoachCourt Aw thank you! Same to you, You deserve so many more subscribers because everyone needs to know about attachment styles!
@@thehealingfairee everyone does need to know about it, it’s a game changer which is why I started pushing the topic more
They enter their “I miss you” after two weeks BUT WONT communicate it to you they will reach out in an odd way
Don't bother trying to get them back. Tell them what they are then leave them to work on it. If they care they will appreciate you telling them attachment style and fixing the jigsaw.
@Patrick Fell Once they heal they will realize their errors with you. Once they heal they will stop deeply hurting others. To truly love someone is to want them to be happy and well, as painful as a picture for that might be of one which doesn't include us. Once they heal we can see them for who they really are instead of potential.
Leave these people be. Who has time for all of this. Wish them peace and love and leave. When they come back, it’s always the same ol same ol
Trust isn't something we prove to another. It is given freely when your love is worth any risk
Guys.. you aint IN love with them, your in love with the constant chase, its exciting.. but excitement in an enviroment where vunrability and growth needs to grow to let love flourish and most importantly SURVIVE is a basic human need.. do not deny yourself that comfort.. life is hard enough on the outside.. balance it out.. for your mind and mostly your heart.
thank you, I think you're so right...the most draining relationship I've had
There’s nothing exciting about it
@@pittapatta5606 Yeah, I agree though, I don't like the chase and I don't feel excited. I love this person, he has a fascinating mind and a nice heart but... the emotional absence kills me, it's just waiting and hoping they'll change what keeps me going...which will probably never happen.
Depends on your take of things, I found it exciting at the START
I just told my dismissive avoidant partner that I needed space. And it was very kind and I explained why thoroughly. And it was just like okay bye. Talk to you later. So I’m not saying a word. And this video hit it right in the head. Him to a tee. If he doesn’t reach out. I won’t be either.
this is way too much to deal with...
If it is too much for your mental health, time to pull away and heal yourself....FOR YOU
Agreed
Let me try more coach court and if my mind cannot take it anymore then I will give up.
it's not worth it
@@IamCoachCourt I love the way you reply to everyone. Showing everyone love and empathy.
Loving a DA is like dying a silent death everyday.you love ur partner to the core, do everything for them and they will hurt you deeply everyday.ul lose your sanity.i loved my ex for 6years.endured his lies, cheating but didn't leave.its like loving a person who is not even there when you are in the same room.whats the point if you have to stay single while being in a relationship.u cant hug them, kiss them, sleep with them,eat with them.even when ul talk to them they will not listen..this is not a relationship.in these 6 years my DA bf broke up with me several times and these were the moments when we had the best time together.which always shocked me as to why he is saying so when we are enjoying so much.i thought i was crazy.i used to beg and plead to take me back.i had to apologize for his faults when he was the one hurting me.its not worth it.one day finally he dumped me.and i am glad he did..coz i wud not have been able to do so myself.my health has deteriorated.i m still a living dead bt there is stability..now i dont hv to stare at my phone and wait for calls, msgs, i don't have to get hurt celebrating my bdy or festivals alone.that uncertainty,fear, lonliness in the r/s was killing me..its painful to live without him, missing his smile, face, but i think in this love had to lose only...with him or without him in my life..coz he was never really there even if he was physically present...its a pity that we could have had a wonderful love story but who knew bad parenting could impact his life and my life like this!
I dont want mine back self absorbed wont be accountable, no Communication, and unmet needs... thats not atractive/ acceptable to me anymore, not that it ever was
Never reach to them. Have some self respect and dignity
Been on no contact for 10 years, really think it's working.
😂😂😂😂😂
Lol 😂
I’m glad I found this I was dating an avoidant and didn’t know it our relationship started to go left when I asked why doesn’t she reciprocate love and run from ALL PROBLEMS like we can’t even talk about .I was calm and relaxed each time but we didn’t last she back with her ex and making post but she knows I never mistreated her in anyways .so she’ll be back
Thank you , I’m so happy you emphasized its regardless of who breakups with who. All the videos I watched are from a dumpee perspective and I’m the dumper that actually broke it off and tried to still fight for the relationship. He said exactly what you said “it’s a relief”. I’m more of an anxious attachment style. That can hurt but sometimes it’s not always about ME. People don’t realize that the dumper goes through emotions as well.
By that time you might not want anything to do with them, you have heal so keep moving.
Six years for me before i smartened up and dumped. No contact. So incredibly painful. Always felt i wasnt good enough.
Oh yeah, they come back but only when their rebound doesn't measure up either
I just found out I'm a dismissive avoidant. Not only did you get everything about my personality kind of right, you got it spot on. Everything from the thought process to the duration of time it takes me to start wanting a relationship again is absolutely spot on. I'll look into this some more and hopefully I figure out a way to be more comfortable with having closer relationships.
(though in my case relationships mean friendships, I'm not even thinking about having a romantic relationship when I can't even make friends because of my inability to get close with people)
There is hope when you know what you offer to others. Realizing your a DA is huge. It means you can work on your attachment style and try to change some of your behaviors you exhibit when in a relationship. I feel sorry for you. I think being DA is such a detriment to having a secure loving relationship and I feel sorry for those who are avoidants.
My ex (I believe she is a dismissive) opened up to me one night about her past abusive relationship and her alcoholic father. Immediately after telling me, she turned to me and said, "now that I opened up, you know I'm going to push you away" and she did... I got to see her less and less the coming weeks, and it got to the point where I could barely see her at all. The relationship ended shortly after and I found out that she is now hooking up with a former fwb of hers. It sucks so much, cause I was crazy about her and she even said I treated her better than anyone else ever had.
And you probably did treat her well, but she had to want to change
@@IamCoachCourt Thanks... Yeah, her abusive relationship lasted 12 years, and she was only 6 months out of that when she started seeing me. We were together for 5 months... half way into our relationship she started telling me that I was the first person she ever pictured marrying, and she realized that she loved me so much that she realized I was capable of breaking her heart... I wish I had picked up on that as a sign. Like I said, it sucks so much... I thought the world of her and still do. But yeah, you're right... she needs to want to change. Thanks for the reply... I really appreciate it.
my ex collapsed in my arms early in dating saying she was afraid she would push me away. she did
Yeah, mine told me I made her want to have more kids. It's all how they feel in that moment though when they leave they seem to diminish all you ever were. It's truly heartbreaking. I'm 2 weeks no contact and I know I can't do anything but hope she sees me as I was. I wasn't perfect but she really made my head spin.
@@jamesgraves9858bruh!!! When mine is with me all will be well, but the moment I drop her off . The next text I’m getting from her is like a problem. Its like being close when around and once she leaves I’ll be expecting to hear something negative the next time we talk.
My avoident ex reached up wanting to apologize after 3 months. She said that she only appreiactes what I did for her now that she realized no one would have done the same. It got me thinking... how did she come to that realization? My thought is that she tried to get with someone else and she thought he would be better...and when she saw that it really wasn't, she came back to me. I hate this. I hate being an option and I will never take her back. I suffered and mourned while she tried to get with other guys after dumping me. It hurts so much.
Yeah. The pain I've gone through for her is immeasurable. I cannot allow her back in if she were to come back. I'm 2 weeks no contact and it has been hard to just accomplish that. I feel like in protecting themselves they destroy you. Make you less important. Push you away. They alter who you are in their mind to diminish your worth. It's sad and I know I did all I could. I wasn't perfect but I really tried to show her love. I really wanted her to meet me half way and be a partner to me. I gave her time. I gave her my energy but for what? They just watch as you give and give and they just can't emulate you.
They walk around with a photo frame looking for the perfect partner and if the picture doesn't fit the frame even if they have shown interest in you in the beginning it's over for them, NEXT. You have a better chance pulling hens teeth out then getting their attention again. The DA I met on the day we met said to me "You can be mine if you play your cards right",🤦♀️ I was never any good at playing anything right so that was me out of the photo frame very quickly. 🤷♀️😆
Lol sounds like my avoidant recent ex boyfriend.
@@zolekamhlanzi6699 This is what my DA boyfriend told me when we started dating! Well let's say i am almost out of the photo frame haha
OMG mine said the same thing
After I had my first kiss with mine she said something to the effect that she broke up with a guy before because he wasn't good at kissing lol There were a lot of subtly abusive things and future faking done throughout the relationship. Toward the end it was a brutal massacre (of me).
DAs are funny because the one I’ve dealt with recently was calling me every night in the beginning then the flip just switched. I didn’t know about the theory at the time but I’d say I was pretty secure right up until that moment lol
This is the thing, I was secure until I was with a DA, it triggered every single insecurity inside me.
Holy heck yes i can relate
💗
Just happened to me. I figured out what I was dealing with. We were dating and about to become a boyfriend/girlfriend, then she pulled back heavy. Strange to deal with that.
This happened to me!! I met her and immediately she texted me Good Morning on Snapchat and snapped me everyday practically. Our Snap scores skyrocketed. Then all of a sudden she just basically lost interest. Our Snapchat friend status litterally went from the 2nd highest (I think its SuperBff?) crashing down to just best friends which is basically a casual friend on Snap, in 1 day. I think she was constantly snapping her girlfriends to avoid me and they knocked me off her list of big time important people.
Every time I brought up romantic stuff after time passed, she got really distant and shut off her emotions for me. Even though she did show SOME interest.
Finally I had to ask where we were going. Which of course looking back knowing her attachment wasn't the best idea if I wanted to keep her interested. She refused deep romance that I wanted, and so I had to let her go. It had been 6 months and she contributed hardly anything to the relationship. I did everything.
@@cookiedough5374 Exactly! Same happened to me. Any attempt to take the relationship to another level gets a immediate shutdown.
You have a such a great way of educating on this topic. 👏
I am a DA and was dating another DA - needles to say we are no longer dating but I’ve learned in the process that I’m more brave than him
Thank you! 🙏🏾
Recently went thru a break-up with a DA - it was the toughest breakup I've ever had. We reconnected after almost a year, but I found out she had gone back to her previous ex while we were apart. That didn't sit well with me and alas, we are broken up once again. I still love her though. Sometimes it's just not meant to be.
Stay strong bro
My ex was this way. Started to disconnect about a month before leaving. She would say things like “I want to “want” to be with you but I don’t. She would also say “I love you but not in love with you” and the turn around days later and tell me “ I love you. I am afraid of commitment and afraid to fail so I run”. She went totally silent 4 weeks ago. I saw a picture and got pissed and she immediately, almost instantly responded a couple days ago. I sent her an email telling her since Feb she has sent me mixed signals and I’m moving on with my life……even though I don’t want to.
What happened after
Yes so true....wish I knew this when it was salvageable. He has blocked me and when I see him he is very cold and detached. I know love is there and pray he will one day see that I am not the enemy.
Watched many vids on DA's and im actually proud now, after we broke up, that I handled the relationship for 5 years. 3 first years were the best years of my life, the next 2 was a slow withdraw on her side.
Yep. Was there for my wife for 6 years and step son. As soon as we had any sort of disagreement which happened every 6 months she would pack up the house and leave then come back. Just recently was the 4th time and said she won’t be back. I don’t think I could have her back again anyway it’s just far too much of an emotional roller coaster. Should have seen the red flags.
I appreciate you addressing this. I just tried dating a lady, that I didn't know at the time her true attachment style. I myself tbought I was the problem, and it stung because she was in my eyes my ideal mate aside from her distancing constantly, which I didn't know at the time what was up.
Fortunately she did mention she had past trauma and was working with a therapist. But I was unaware at how how much trauma can influence a person's attachment greatly.
I even thought about trying no contact, beforehand.
You're welcome
I was "The one" but, he couldn't handle being vulnerable. I don't have to do NO contact. After being gone 4 months, he came back then left again. It broke my heart but, it was enough for me. I can be friends and move on without another man.
Yeah I was told the vulnerable line too. But in the end they don't say it again they just say all these awful things to you to get you to give up. They don't want you. You're no good. It was never special. It's sad. I'm 2 weeks no contact and I don't know if I'll ever hear from her ever again. It's truly heartbreaking.
Omg! This is my ex! I’ve been pining over this fool for nothing!!! Poor thing is just as messed up as I am. I’m going to have to watch this video every day until I move away!
I appreciate the views!
After the 2 months or so pass by and if he reaches out to me....I will treat him as he did me.. ignore, ignore, ignore!!! I do not ever want to deal with a DA in my love life again.
Did he reach out?
@@DR-fd6vu not really. Saw him 1x in 7 weeks..I am over him. I've yet to meet the one and I am ok with it. Thanks for asking.
I'm an AP in love with a DA trying to get things moving. Nothing I read or hear about a DA puts me off of loving her. But I do see that I wont win. I try, she pushes. I dont try neither does she. I want to spend time with her she wants space, I give her space she is ok with that. We see each other for a day she's happy but if we dont for weeks she's happy. I feel, she thinks.
Literally I feel like she doesnt care whether I'm there or not. Yet when I tell her, she will offer to meet me for coffee, or ask me over for a tea. Very small things which I 'think' I should see as a big gesture of trying. But I just dont know
We're in the same boat. What you're saying is exactly, and to the T what I'm experiencing. But I chose to walk away and not subject myself to all that hurt.
Honestly...walk away.
Think about it; this pattern will NEVER change unless your DA WANTS to change - and what are the chances of that happening? Slim, to none. DAs are not introspective when it comes to emotional attachment; they are mostly fearful and get panicky if things get too close. What you are craving is not *her*, it's the tiny reinforcements that she gives you when you reach out; it's *your illusion* of what and who you think she is. Think hard on this. Do you really enjoy yourself when you are with her, or just pleased that she had *finally* conceded to spend a few hours with you? Are you always walking on eggshells when it comes to expressing your needs? Imagine going through this for years, or if you were married with children. What kind of mature modeling can a DA provide for a child? I'm not a therapist, but I'll wager that it's not healthy modeling, and most likely as soon as the child gets past 2-3 with real needs the DA will distance herself and become emotionally unavailable to the child, or emotionally unavailable to you. Frankly, I have empathy for DAs; it's not their fault that they are afraid of intimacy and commitment; it's because they were let down by their early caretakers during a crucial age development . It's tragic, when you think about it. Unless you are really, really secure or somewhat of a DA yourself, you are putting yourself through hell. Sure, she's trying with small gestures; sure, she has "potential", but how long are you going to wait for her potential to realize itself - if indeed it ever does?
This is not to say that one cannot have a love relationship with a DA, but s/he has to want to *work* with you to make that happen. How many years are you willing to invest? How much anxiety about the "push-pull" syndrome between you (AP) and your DA?
The only way to resolve this for yourself is to set firm boundaries and convey them in a very measured, neutral way. What are YOUR needs? Do you love yourself enough to at least want your most basic needs for love met by your partner? How much of your own needs (and time) are you willing to sacrifice for "maybe, some day"?
I wish you well, my friend. Last, if you need to, don't be shy about seeing a therapist about *your* issues - about making you more secure. Short-term therapy can do wonders.
@@jsphotos BEST COMMENT
Its like dying a silent death everyday.you love ur partner to the core, do everything for them and they will hurt you deeply everyday.ul lose your sanity.i loved my ex for 6years.endured his lies, cheating but didn't leave.its like loving a person who is not even there when you are in the same room.whats the point if you have to stay single while being in a relationship.u cant hug them, kiss them, sleep with them,eat with them.even when ul talk to them they will not listen..this is not a relationship.in these 6 years my DA bf broke up with me several times and these were the moments when we had the best time together.i used to beg and plead.its not worth it.one day finally he dumped me.and i am glad he did..my health has deteriorated.i m still a living dead bt there is stability..i know now i dont hv to wait for calls, msgs, i don't have to get hurt celebrating my bdy or festivals alone.that uncertainty in the r/s was killing me..its painful to live without him, seeing his face, but i think in this love had to lose only...with him or without him in my life..coz he is never present...
Be aware that new contact is for our sanity. Dismissive avoidant don’t care.
Who would want them back!
4:37 hit the nail on the head. They don’t want to seem like they’re chasing after you. It feels so petty on the receiving end of this. I’m not his healer
My DA ex reached out and said he missed me. He apologised for how he treated me and said he wanted to meet up. I agreed and he asked me when I was free. I gave him dates/times and he went silent. WTH??? I was by myself and healing when he came back. I’m back in NC. How can they play with feelings like that?
I honestly don’t know Amara, I’m sorry that happened to you.
That’s so terrible. I’m sorry. :(
I feel your pain. This is the pattern with my DA. Will reach out after weeks or a month, apologetic, starts to open up, acknowledge fear, only to make plans then cancel or no show. Cycle begins again. I'm over it at this point...emotionally detaching.
@@coolidgedcf protect yourself. I think you should remove yourself from the situation. It’s an emotionally and mentally draining dynamic to be in.
@@Cafelattechic totally agree. It took me sometime to figure it out because of other things...a year in I'm detaching. To be honest, I'm less interested at this point because of the pattern.
I m just gonna drop it I can't deal with this amount of drama......I was really nice to him despite he treated me disrespectfully
Interesting to know that it’s tough to get them back but I would not risk losing that person again if that’s their nature to leave the loved ones!!
Thats on point, first 2 montchs after a break up I was so happy, focusing On work, gym and myself...after 2 montchs mark I broke no contact myself as gruef stage started
Hey Coach! When you say that a relationship with a DA can be "one of the most fulfilling relationships that you can have"...it feels like there is a caveat missing there. Perhaps..."if they have worked hard on their traumas and become secure"? Otherwise, I don't see how dating an untreated/unaware DA (the majority out there) can lead to having any kind of healthy, let alone fulfilling relationship.
When they start to trust you, they won't let you fall. It means you have to respect their needs, if you can't just leave
@@canm7157 it’s all about their needs. That’s why it’s deeply unhealthy unless they are working on themselves to become secure.
@@mariachiingles2348 You can also try to help them by reinforcing their positive actions and when they slowly start to trust you, they will start to meet your needs, but as it is said in this video, it's too difficult. Someone, who is securely attached, would have no problem do deal with an insecure Attachment style, that's why you have to understand, that you also take responsibility when committing to a relationship with a DA or FA. Hence, if you are not secure and feel confident, then don't even try to be in a relationship with an insecure one, otherwise it makes things worse on both sides. It is not only their fault
@@canm7157 you are wrong. You can be secure and still suffer in an unfulfilling, one-sided relationship with an insecure person.
@@mariachiingles2348 You can also suffer from a regular relationship, its up to you how you deal with it
I am afflicted with this. This guy is giving good advice. It takes me months to begin to regret leaving. A double text will get you blocked. LOL!
I can't explain to you what this video means to me. I've felt broken for so long and have urgently sought answers until now. I made a mistake that I didn't think was crucifiable but he ran for the hills despite how incredible things were going. I haven't been able to understand. Until now. I will be so patient and will do everything I can to get his trust back.
🙏🏾🙏🏾
I started looking into this info thinking a girl I was dating was a DA but the more I learn I’m realizing I’m a DA..Wow.
Thank you, this is a very compassionate perspective on avoidant attachment style people.
I know we come across as cold, but we have a lot of fear, insecurity, and worry that others cannot be depended upon. If we do like you, we will try to keep you and listen to your needs. We want equality, but want to see the other person is just as committed as we are.
100%
This is so strange and I’m left so confused. I was the most consistent & committed person my DA could find (I’m AP attachment style with perfectionism), I’d always explain from my and his perspective what feels right and wrong. But he started liking single girls on Fb whilst living with me and saving naked pics in his phone. I was heartbroken to learn he betrayed me, that he spend more time outside our relationship than with me. I told him that I’d never do anything like that to him, I was perhaps the most loyal and consistent he’s had in his life. I had to break up. It’s heartbreaking, but good luck to him who never appreciated somebody dead loyal, committed, consistent and honest! Not all DA want loyalty I don’t believe that given my experience 😕
He tried to re-connect but I no longer trust him and he barely puts any effort in. So Yh. His loss I suppose.
@@Elvira.L.E. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
You deserve someone who gives the same energy you do. It sounds like your ex's heart was not in it.
You did the right thing by not offering any more chances.
Like I mentioned in my original comment, if we want someone, we make the effort. If the effort isn't there, were playing with you and probably just lonely. Trust me though, we will make the effort when we want someone, so if the effort isn't there, they weren't being real with you.
Sending lots of love Xx
My ex got me investing and then pulled out. He is classic DA and top it off with abusive and toxic. I feel like he loved me but didn't like me. DAs wait for you to do the work first and only once the bed is laid they come to sleep in it. You'll get a few cuddles but they seem to need you to do more work and first work, only then will they trust. It's unfair
Sad how people are damaged🥺,but there is no way to have a healthy relationship when some one is not conscious of their habits & traumas
I'm a DA...I'm conscious. However.... most ppl are not trustworthy and feel thar rhe proper foundation to a long, lasting , healthy relationship are lies, cheating , and exiting over petty reasons. This is 90% of the population and being hard wired this way has protected me. It is not wise to give ppl the benefit of the doubt
Absolutely great video.
I saw myself in everything you said except for the hookup as I am a Christian, I don’t want any of this but other than that it’s totally me. I am healing from this but it’s hard because it means that I have to be vulnerable after so many years of bulging walls. Thank God I just lived a heart break with another dismissive avoidant and truly I think it’s a blessing in disguise as he def hold a mirror in front of me. God bless
Religion would for sure be a modifier. No problem!
Was just looking through some videos trying to find my partner's personality style and the one that fits so perfectly is this one! Dismissive avoidant! Everything you have said is so true it's unreal! It's been really difficult for me coz I know how much she loves and cares for me but it's hard to stay in the relationship coz we are 2 very different people. I am naturally an open person and have always been patient and understanding to her and I can tell she is really trying to work things out but I think I have to break up with her! I don't want to hurt her as I do love her but I don't see her ever being able to change these dismissive avoidant traits. I've tried for a few years now and I think I am done!
@@MM-nl8ci yes again your right! I was definitely a secure attachment for her. I was always there for her took on all her problems tried to understand her anxiety and fears even when they mad absolutely no sense to me! I took care of her , paid for everything sent her an allowance and she still told me she doesn't feel secure enough to open up to me coz she feels like I'm not really there for her! Everytime she would say this I would keep doing more to prove that I was committed but it would laways be the same. She would draw away from me until I had to leave her
Then so be it. I want a healthy relationship with a man that wants me as much as I want him.
He just told me he loves and cares for me, that he's insanely attracted to me, that he loves the way I make him feel, loves spending time with me but that he doesn't feel the feelings he needs to feel to move this to the next level. We've been friends for 15 years, have been dating long distance for 2, and now I moved back to where he is and he feels I'm not the one for. him, despite how magical our connection is and how much he enjoys my company and thinks I'm a beautiful person. He wants to stay good friends and I had to tell him no way--we have no self control around each other because the attraction is off the charts. This is validating. Thanks!
My ex broke up with me a month ago . I think he's a dismissive avoidant because whenever I bring up the slightest criticism he would get mad and dissapear for a week. We were together for three months. He said he wanted to be friends for " a while" but couldn't give me a specific timeline. it seemed like we were going to get back together but he said he needs more space but he would like to spend time as "friends". I feel taken for granted so I started no contact again. I hope I made the right decision. I told him I care about him but I need space and I'm not ready to be his friend right now.
They tend to not take criticism well, I guess it reminds them of the core wound that made them DA to begin with. They react as opposed to responding and often say hurtful things, then disappear and when our anxiety ramps up we contact them because (me) as an AA, I can't take the silent treatment. It wrecks your self esteem, for sure.
this is one of the most insightful videos I've watched. everything you've said describes my ex. one minute everything is going great between us, professed our love for each other, I go on a week long vacation with my son and when i get back she wants to end the relationship just like that! out of no where. I've been in no contact for a month...gonna wait till Xmas and I'll reach out again
Go Cards!
The Rollercoaster ride was too much for me. I love this man so much and felt he loved me but I walked away and know he may not contact me. I will have to be ok with that.
Recently went into no contact with a DA for a second time. The first time I implemented no contact my DA ex would blow up my phone. The reason why I've gone into no contact this time is because I saw a post indicating that she is still in love with an ex. I still love her but I have to do this for me. Never dating a DA ever again.
Honestly, I really appreciate the insight you've been able to provide for me... I was always feeling like I was doing something wrong, like they didn't care... They did and I didn't realize until I took the time to really see and with your help it's helped me to understand... Maybe it's not the right match as I'm an anxious attachment, but I really care about him and I'm hoping maybe somewhere down the line things will align... Thank you!!!
I’m glad I could help
You keep saying, "...get them back." How about they heal and then make the effort to earn us back? 👀💯
i wish nothing but the best for my avoidant. And i do hope we can reconcile. But i do not believe that it is on my part to make the effort at this point. The effort i'm making is simply towards the future i'd like to see, with or without them- preferably with them.
That being said, thank you for your service!
Namaste 💜🙏🏽🕊️
🙏🏾
You're great - hope your channel blows up because you deserve it.
That means a lot! Channel dedicated to the people who can’t sleep at 2/3 am 🤷🏾♂️
Coach Court LOL from one RUclipsr to another... I feel that next level. 😹🔥 But I’ll def recommend you - nice having new experts with a real, authentic perspective.
I speak what I know as my truths and hope it resonates with people 🙌🏾. Thank you!!
Everything was going ok until you said that "avoidants can be some of the most fulfilling relationships we can have". With all respect, this is completely wrong. Avoidants will avoid intimacy, and they tend to never change. You will always survive on crumbs of affection and will be constantly dealing with distance from your partner. They will make you feel inadequate and treat you bad if you get to close to them. Brother, if you are going to talk about this, please read "Avoidant:How to love(or leave) a dismissive partner" Kinnison, Jeb. Of the three attachment styles, avoidants are the LEAST DESIRABLE, and the most abundant in the dating pool. They are the most abundant in single circles because get eliminated more often as potential partners. I have an avoidant wife of many years, and it's no fun at all.
Yeah it gets so bad you even catch yourself having less feelings for them because they make the relationship so one-sided and not fun. It's sad but in the end I just missed who she'd been. The person she became in front of me was not even comparable
@@jamesgraves9858yup you start even detesting them… Because its like the attachment style makes you feel like you are unworthy and nothing . Meanwhile, this is who they are on the inside.
See my DA always tried to stay friends or associates with me. I've never allowed it (I've broken up with him 3 times due to his behavior, I just now understand it's due to him being a DA). I never understood why he wanted to try to keep in any form of contact when he's so disrespectful but then tries to love bomb when he knows I'm fed up. I went no contact for good last year.
As a AP this validated my feelings because I thought the DA did not care about me or the breakup
Thanks for sharing that!
I was in a 6 year relationship with a DA. Up and down for the start, and then solid for past 3 years. It ended recently. He moved out. I’ve never been more hurt I feel like I’m dying inside. Idk what to do to get things back. I want to leave him alone. But I also don’t want him to forget about me. We broke up because I needed more quality time and all he wanted to do was drink and hang with friends, he said I made him feel “guilty” for what he wants to do. Hence fights and imbalance. I never thought it was unfixable.
I've been with mine fur six years and I just learned how to fix it. Work on your anxiety attachment style with Coach Court videos, and youtube channels like the personal development school, Brianna Macwilliam, Nu Mindframe, Helen Hart, Valerie Greene, Jonathan Aslay, and etc... once you have become a Secure Attachment style he will be back and you can have something healthier! Good luck and God bless you both! !
@@gwendolynn7314 a little unfair if the anxious attacher is the only one who works on being secure, and not the DA. Unless if you're saying they should both work on becoming more secure.
This sounds so much like mine. Solid for 3.5 years, then the last 6 months my mental health took a dip. He pulled away, I tried to talk to him, I wanted more quality time, but he always would invite our friends around and we never got to be alone. He just wanted to hang out with our friends and drink, started avoiding me. It was agony. I wanted to work with him, but he gave up.
How are things for you now?
@@gwendolynn7314 hey thanks! Was doing some research so I can make some updated videos about dismissive avoidants and it was nice to see my channel mentioned here lol💜
Wow, you just made me realize something insanely important. Regarding how my ex's previous relationship ended and how I was going about certain things, thinking it was the right decision. Not saying I did anywhere near the same as her previous relationship, but how it correlates and how she is feeling about my actions.
Why is this so comforting? I think I used to be dismissive avoidant too, so I can vouch for a lot of this.
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Short term hookups.... yea I'll rather go separate ways then. As an anxious attachment style that breaks me, but moving on is best.
This is the most ‘real’ that I’ve heard. Thanks 3 minutes into the reading
I’m not a DA but I do cut off everything when we break up & distance myself. I have to do it in order to get over everything.
Thanks for sharing that
My DA partner and I have been in a separation for just over two months after I discovered he had been chatting with another woman online and I have no clue what is going on. My neediness at times pushed him away. Things weren’t great at times, but I know now what we both did wrong. I have made attempts to reach out and get friendly, normal replies but nothing more while trying to give space. I then sent him an accountability, calm message to say sorry for my part & I want to give him time and I want to reconnect gradually. He replied instantly and said he would like to call to catch up first; but I gave it 5 days and nothing. I have gone into no contact for approx 3 weeks now, I’m confused & feel like I’m always making the first move. Was he wanting me to text him to call? I feel I need some validation from him too after he was the one who wanted space
Sounds like he may be a dismissive for sure. Send me an email and we can go from there. Courtney@fruitfulseedz.com
My DA wanted to still be friends after. I said no. I think he just got scared about intimacy because I asked if we could. Friend zoning me helped him feel better and less stress
Usually "being just friends" is putting u as a backup while they explore other options which mostly likely won't work out and they'll eventually regret losing you. I agree you should not agree to be friends with someone who was only thinking about themselves.
7 year relationship with a DA woman, we lived together. She broke up with me 8 months ago.
Before me she divorced her husband, and on top of that I was her second serious relationship, we didn't get married, but she left me as well. Genuine DA.
I can confirm that the DAs look for red flags to find a reason to be distant the whole time through the relationship. Even if you do everything perfect, they will find a reason - in my case, I wasn't perfect at all, but who is? There was no cheating, no abuse, it was just either her way or no way, if it didn't go her way, even for minor issues, she will just use them as an excuse to be distant. Everytime we fought within the years she always used the phrase "i want to break up" - she never did, but it lasted for 7 years.
I loved her, she loved me, but it was in her DA character that she was looking for way out. Can I blame her? During her childhood she lived through 2 divorces by her mother - as it was mentioned in the video, she had childhood issues. Her father and step father (I've met them) never caused any issues to her or her mother, I guess her mother was also a DA.
Anyway, after the breakup, I went No Contact immediately and within a week she wanted to see me, we talked for a couple of hours, but I was still hurting and messed the whole thing up by being desperate. After I saw her, all my emotions came out and I was acting desperate and needy, texting her all the time for about 2 months until she blocked me completetly from everywhere. In the 3d month she found an "excuse" to talk to me again, I was different, more happy and positive. I don't know if I messed things up again but she blocked me again without a reason - it's like she got her dose and left again. After that everytime I went No Contact it seemed she got angry with me because I did. I haven't talked to her for 4 months, of course I have my ways to reach out to her even if I'm blocked but I don't do it - it has to be in her own.
Just because I understand her, and love her, I know why she was a DA, I will give her another chance
Bro you sound exactly like me! Very similar scenarios with people of this personality type. The love and the good times is what keeps you open to being mistreated again! I have learned that in life you have fixers and people who need to be fixed. The fixers are logical understanding reasonable people who want to produce the best outcome in every situation and so are wired to helping people when we are in relationships we share and accommodate and compensate for our partners shortcomings! The Da thinks differently, they act on how they feel and are lead mainly by how they feel so when they suddenly have memories of being mistreated as a child they can just turn cold and moody in a heartbeat leaving you wondering what you did to them! If they fall in love with you and find themselves getting comfortable this gives them anxiety coz they feel like if you left them they couldn't take the pain so they back away from you when things are going great between you. They basically unintentionally ruin every chance at advancing in a relationship! Trust me bro stay away from her! Love will not stop this cycle from continuing! Lost cause trust me
@@backchattvsports2905 same here. My bf back away cuz he felt too much love for me. Then came back cuz he thought I am the one for him....what a sarcastic & sadistic love!!! I'm now have to do meditation 5 times a day just to heal myself. If I can tolerate such a relations for long, I would be a female priest one day. 😅😭😓
@@878tailor lol I know it's a whole emotional rollercoaster
One big thing I learned from this difficult relationship was that love is not enough! It wasn't a relationship without love it was very much the opposite but compatibility is first before love!
If you still care for her it was good that you answer back when she reached you, if you didn't probably you would never have known anything about her ever again cause you would have made her feel like a fool who tried to reach again just to be rejected, but the thing with DAs is that we want things to go slowly because if the things go to fast it seems like really weird and scare us.
And of course she was angry when you go no contact after she look for you for the reason I talked about before, she felt she already make the investment yo get you back just to get rejected, although she was the one who distanced first but I hope it makes sense.
If you really love her then give her a LAST chance and try to comprehend her and let things go slowly so she doesn't get scared. If she does the same thing again then there is no turn back, she will be really hurt cause she will think "it happened what I already knew would happen, he abandoned me just like evertbody else" but it will be a consequence of her indecision.
My DA story goes like this; met in work. I am in the UK, she was in the USA (company has offices in both locations). We met up, went to Amsterdam, went on a cruise, we had the time of our lives (she said it was the best relationship she has ever been in). I got engaged to her after just 6 months, that's how incredible it all was. Then I found out she'd tried to date a guy from our workplace - which made me feel like she just wanted to date anyone. Then I found out her last relationship was with a guy in Philippines, and then a guy in Canada. Suddenly, I started to feel like I was part of some pattern. I had no idea what the pattern was. Then she began saying I had faults, and I was wrong. She'd argue with me almost constantly. Anything I said was (in her eyes) criticism.
This cycle continued. Happy, sad, angry etc She'd fly over to be with me for a few weeks at a time and get angry with me and want to split up. I couldn't take it anymore so I split up with her. Little did I know, splitting up with a DA triggers that feeling of abandonment. We didn't talk for 5 months. She flew back to see me again 5 months later and she split up with me 3 times in 24 hours!!!! It was exhausting and mentally draining. Then I found out she had been screen-shotting my families messages to her (nice messages of course) and her and her sister had been disrespecting my family.
I shouted and screamed at her at the top of my lungs. She said she wants nothing more to do with me and blocked me on everything. I truly did love her and the first few months were absolutely INCREDIBLE. But she self-sabotaged the entire relationship. She made fights happen out of nowhere and when I got mad, she's say how it was all my fault and that I didn't compromise or give in to her needs. Not once did she care about my needs or see things from my perspective.
5 years down the drain. Dealing with these people or trying to be empathetic will make you worse mentally. I never had severe anxiety or depression until I met this person. Anytime I tried to address the fact that we have no more intimacy in our relationship they’d storm off and sleep in another room because I was always “starting drama”. When indeed I’m communicator and in 5 years I’ve never yelled. Just asked logical questions about how why they were with me if they touched me or wanted to spend time with me. Their response was “I’m here ain’t I?” But anytime we were together they would be in the same room with me glued to their phone or watching tv. Not interacting with me or giving me eye contact when I’d try to start conversations. It’s a painful experience. If you’re reading this. Idc about your age, your gender, your religion, or anything else. Please just leave. Stop trying to make it work and sacrificing your best years and your physical and mental health. There’s not that much love in the world. Especially when they wouldn’t sacrifice or be selfless for you. 💔
Sorry to hear you've gone through this as well. I posted my story (you can see if you sort by most recent posts) and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I got very ill during my 2 year relationship with a DA. She didn't seem to care about me whatsoever. Everything revolved around her. No empathy, no sympathy, just devoid of emotions. It was a cruel relationship to be in. I would also say, never, ever date a DA. As soon as you realise they're a DA, you have to go, for your own mental health and sanity. That being said, I didn't know she was a DA until around 12 months in. When I found out, it all made sense. I tried for 6 months or more to make it work, but she blocked me on and off for 5 of those months and in the end I was having to contact her via EMAIL to try to discuss things, it was absolutely pathetic.
chase the DA because your ego doesn't like being dismissed by them and you want to fill that gap..... nah. love yourself.
You hit the nail on the head with this message. It has been two months and I am losing hope. He is everything you said. But he knows I would never do or say anything to hurt him. I am going to stop waiting. :'(
Do what feels right in your soul 🙏🏾
I'm curious, did your ex ever reach out? Or did you just forget about him and moved on with your life?
@@MichelleLeeSWEKR Yes, he did reach out. But we definitely broke up on March 10 (a little over a week ago). I decided it was better to move on. He is not that into me and I have to have some dignity and love myself. He said he was ok whether I stayed or not. That right there is telling me he is not into me so I have no other choice but to leave this behind.
@@alexandranoboa Oh okay, that sucks that you got thrown into that relationship and that it ended, again. How long did it take for him to reach out? I have decided that even if my ex does reach out, I will not give him another chance, it's just not worth it when it comes to avoidants. They're not even aware of their problems, I will "avoid avoidants" from now on, lol.
@@MichelleLeeSWEKR I don't remember but he's not worth it. He is not in love with me anyway. So it was basically a waste of time.
7:52 they are the most likely to have short term hookups .... Maaannnn GTFOH! 😂😂😂😂😂
YOU all best take the lesson and keep it moving 💯 👌 🙌
YESSSSSSS
Yup he used the same “I put all your stuff in the box . Do you want me to deliver to your house?” Excuse
So I just went no contact with my LDR girlfriend of 3 years. I Have done everything to bridge our 1000 mile distance, I was gonna drive to see her she said don't in the beginning, so after a bit of time I bought her a plane ticket, she mysteriously went distant the day of flight and said she was sick, so we made up after all that and about a year ago I drove 1000 miles to see her and I ended up sitting in the hotel for 3 days before driving home cause she avoided me when I showed up. So its been a year since me going to see her and I finally said to her if she can figure out a way to see me let me know, but until then we are not gonna communicate.
Remember nothing last forever
Mine cancelled all when we were at peek setting off to start exclusivity. It was always building up to something better for two months and after we decided to be exclusive she sends me a message how it wont work with reasons that made no sense.
I tried reaching out about a month later but she kept telling me she didnt want to communicate and pushed me away. I think she was hurt because a week after she broke it off I unfollowed her. Which a few days later she unfollowed me when she found out. I gave her a couple of more weeks before emailing her one more time thinking Ill be very kind but also after enough space. I was blocked further. It's been weeks, will she come around or did she shut me out completely? I never blamed or was negative, ALWAYS amazing and supporting and so was our relationship. There was all love in it, happiness and positivity.. except that she was afraid to hell of showing or admitting affection because when she did she was visibly shaking. She's such a scaredy cat.. it's sad/
@@neonpop80 Man I understand you,hope you are doing okay,from my neutral perspective you do all the necessary (if you consider that is one more attempt to do go for it but without chasing her or pressure her) you need to understand that is not about you ,you are not the problem (if you're right in what you said) focus on your own goals or create new ones and more important stay confident that you give your best and the situation don't depends on you,if she reach back to you ,Make sure you're in a good mentally place not for her for yourself !!! Good luck buddy !!
As a FA leaning avoidant.. she just needs healing herself, and to understand her own attachment style. Her shaking due to physical touch…. that’s deep… she needs therapy and lots of reassurance. If you love her… show her. Keep her needs met. No games. Our core wound is being abandoned. If she senses you will abandon her, then she will run.
Its embarrassing but you just described me to a T..ive never heard someone 'get' me and analyze me so accurately without ever meeting me. I am a text book dismissive avoidant without having ever realized it. 🙁
Thank you for sharing that. This community really wants to help and bridge the gap.
This is so hard to hear, i saw him yesterday i was crazy. I was begging, he got annoyed, he always felt like he was trapped. I was too jealous, controlling. He really wants to be independent, i am his first love, that can be a great thing, i want him. I havent dissapointed him, i did figure out that there is a girl already that he has friendly contact with. But i know for sure that he doesnt want that emotional rollercoster from a relationship (in how he experienced it) all over again. So maybe it will be simple hook ups, talking untill it gets to close. I wanna move on, but i want him back as well. Im hurt because of the girl.
Account Not everyone knows this, so she has to do everything right also. Heal yourself and show up better in the future!
Block him in everyway, please! Keep your dignity, he only views your feelings as "too much." You deserve equal mutual energy, you know that, remember that.
I am an Anxious and my partner is Avoidant but what confuses me is that she got really triggered about some things and i started working on my self a month ago and she even acknowledged how immerse the change and how fast. She never broke up with me but she was distant and currently we live in different counties. The last conversation we had she went on full panic mode as soon she mention breaking up and i had to calm her down by making her do some breathing work. I suggested since she never really took some time for her self and clearly she don't wont to lose me by the way she acting to do some no contact since i was every other day trying to reach out. I though it would be good for her to relax and get some space and for her to finally be able to feel her feelings without fear. When i mentioned that she start panicking again what if but i want to know how you doing and how's your new job going etc. I took that again as a positive since all i read and heard is that if avoidant wants to break up they just do. I never saw any video mentioning something similar to my situation. Do you think no contact will be good in my case?
This is weird. This video popped up in my feed. I am DAv and this is pretty spot on, except I have never grieved a relationship ( not that I’ve had a lot) and I don’t do hook ups. I prefer to be alone. Just a FYI: I am the single child to a single mother high on the NPD and I was socially isolated as a child and teen, had to fend for myself at 12. Was straight abandon by my mother for 3 years until my great grandmother made her take me back. Big mistake, long story short, my mother made it well known she hated me. I heard almost daily how she couldn’t stand me. And how the worse decision she made was to become a mother. No hugs, kisses, love, talking, support, etc, just, I can’t wait for you to get the f out my house.
Wow. So big time deprivation of love. I’ll be praying for your healing and your ability to manifest a loving relationship. Thank you for your insight! 🙏🏾
@dierjran I don't know what I felt when I read your story but I felt the pain here in my heart by what your mom speak and treated you. I Hope you have someone who can understand your feeling and emotions in the future if God permits. You are a vulnerable person and you deserve someone who will see your worth and value and give respect for you as a person.
I am so sorry this happened to you, no one deserves that. Find loving people in your life and try to learn to love and communicate ❤️❤️