This is just your opinion based on your own experience. I can tell you that you can be friend with your ex, and it's OK if you still have feelings, just be stronger and don't let that ruin the beautiful friendship, because a person who's been intimate wight you knows you better than everyone else. You can still find a new person to fall in love and be friend with your ex. With strong will and self awareness we can prevent jealousy to explode, and btw feelings like jealousy are egotistical, they show you want to possess the person which is not true love. True love means freedom.
Being friendly, and staying friends are totally different things. People who stays "friends" with their ex often have low self esteem. They need someone to fall back on if the new thing doesnt work out.
Rule 1: Don't try to be friends with your ex. Your future partner is always, always going to question the nature of your relationship. And they should. Cut and run. You left him/ her for a reason, and it's dishonest to hold that person close for the bump in self-esteem, or for a "friend." Cut and run. Your future partner isn't lacking self-esteem for questioning your relationship with your ex, he/ she is smart.
I think that's bollocks. Relationships are not only valuable because of their status, and ofc the partner is insecure if they think that being friends with an ex is a problem. If the partner thinks that being friends with an ex is a reason to suspect cheating or their partner might go back, maybe the relationship wasn't supposed to be from the start. I think it's a good sign if a person is friends with their ex as it might show that they value friendship, which for me is the most important part of any relationship.
@@michan8093 or the more obvious point, if you feel that strongly about remaining connected to your ex, then you should probably try to make that relationship work again if it’s possible? Once there’s been a romantic connection, you can’t ever just “go back” to however it was before that happened. But if you want to rekindle a relationship, just be honest about it
@@hannahberlinpetry450 Hmm. I just believe that's an oversimplification of human relationships. Ppl form and experience relationships differently. If you start a relationship from a friendship etc. there is already an established connection that you add intimacy, responsibilities and boundaries to. If a part of it breaks down or doesn't work out it doesn't mean other parts of the relationship are not still intact or even stronger. I just think of it like becoming roomates with your friends. Maybe you'll realize that you are not fitted to live together but still stay friends after living together, maybe you start hating each other or maybe you like living together alright but situationally it doesn't work out. Obviously part ways if the friendship impacts you negatively! I think we just have different ways of viewing relationships in general, probably due to being in different cultural environments. This is just what I wanted to point out, that not staying friends is not a good rule for everyone.
I don't keep exes as friends and I won't date someone that keeps exes as friends. But I've also never dated a woman that I was friends with and I don't think I would enter into a romantic relationship with a friend. Edit: I've tried having exes as friends and being with others that kept their exes as friends and it's not what I want in my life. It's easier for me to walk away from a relationship than to fight and be accused of being "controlling".
Omg I can't believe I've found people who think the same way I do! I said that a person being friends with their ex is a red flag on reddit and people came after me calling me insecure and controlling🙄 There was a ton of pickmes trying to justify their partner's close friendship with their ex and how because they allow them to be best friends with their ex they're not insecure and jealous like I am. Do these people even hear themselves? I hope they keep that same energy when their partner cheats on them with their ex they're FrIeNdS with. To be honest being friends with exes sounds messy af and I don't want any parts of it. I have boundaries and I'm not afraid of sticking to them nor will I be shamed out of doing so. What's insecure to me is staying friends with an ex and secretly hoping that they'll come back to you and suppressing those feelings. I don't want to be second in my own relationship. If a guy is FrIeNdS with his ex, I'm out. It's better to start with a clean slate.
You don't have to understand it. Seems to me that most people in the comment section are being judgemental af. Not everyones situations is the same. I'm friends with one ex. We were better as friends. So after realizing that a romantic relationship wasnt for us. We decided to be friends. It took us time to get back to our friendship. But now he's one of my closest friends. Am I supposed to break a friendship with him just because we dated?
@@DeePeeZee And if that works for you, so be it. You chastise others for being judgemental and then pass judgement. The only person I am in control of is myself. Handle your business how you want and I'll handle mine the way I want.
"Staying friends with the ex" is a misnomer. A past history of intimacy with the partner automatically disqualifies the person as a "friend". Friendships are by definition platonic as much as some people seem to want to muddle the meaning. What it really means is two confused persons, playing an act in theater, attempting to bury or suppress their emotional history while trying to convincing themselves they are mere "friends".
Never date someone who is friends with their ex It's usually a red flag when someone is friends with their ex, it means there's still a connection and feelings between them and there is a possibility of them getting together even if it's just a one-night stand.
I tried to be friends with my last ex because I was able to switch my feelings for him off and compartmentalism a friendship. He was an anxious attachment style and I could see how much pain it caused to even offer a friendship because to him, that meant I was no longer interested romantically. Looking back now I understand where I didn’t at the time.
I can never stay friends with an ex simply because that's not how it works also I think it's probably wrong to his future partners as well as mine... Though I can definitely strike a civil conversation if I ever meet em in gathering.
My girl said she's friends with her first love and she said she does not have any feelings for him anymore but they contact almost all the time and I broke up with her
I want to stay friends with my ex so that I can take her places we always wanted to go, to see her laugh and smile, to hear more of her jokes and original observations. I am in love with her and have so much room in my life for her. Our relationship felt unstable because I expressed doubts and couldn't forgive myself, nor could she forgive me. Right up until the week before we broke up we had such passion and fun together. I was so happy.
Thank you for this video! I recently stopped seeing this guy I really liked because he was best friends with his ex and they hung out often. I couldn't wrap my brain around why anyone would want to be close friends with their ex until I saw this video although my personal take is you can be cordial with an ex, but you don't have to be friends.
I attempted to make amends with my ex and be friends with him- with absolutely no malicious intentions- but he started being sketchy about it and was essentially cheating on his then-girlfriend with me. Then he gaslit me online saying I was coming onto him when he was the one suggesting we do stuff behind his girlfriend's back. Lol. Never doing that again.
Always variables and situations. My ex was a childhood friend I have known since I was 14 and our families have known each other as far back as I can remember . Got together in our 20s and we were together 6 years as a couple. When we split we don’t really meet up anymore but we text and communicate. We have both moved on amicably but we update each other on what the other has been up to. Just being cordial and supportive as friends because we are both busy with our careers.
You're actually right, the reason why I watched this video is because my partner is still friends with his ex to this day. I am an overthinker, and I was cheated on by a previous partner, and because of their friendship I get anxious and overthink that "they might be doing something else other than just chatting and catching up." My partner has reassured me a lot of time that they don't have feelings for each other anymore and that they were childhood friends, but it still couldn't make me stop from overthinking. Help please
Speak up and tell your partner that you're not comfy at all to their friendship. You have right to do that since their friendship can caused you problems. Everyone deserves to feel safe and secure in a solid relationship. Find a win-win solution is better than get anxious and ruin your inner peace because of you're scared.
I've been with my current partner for almost 5 years now, and we're anticipating breaking up. The whole time he's told me that he's not looking for commitment or marriage, we have hardly any expectations of one another beyond spending time together, goofing around, watching movies, playing video games and obviously sexual intimacy. The seriousness of our relationship was something I grieved, but accepted as I can focus on my art and career and friendships. Nowadays, I'd like to move on to something serious (and him, the opposite), but we've had the hardest time separating because losing the friendship we've built feels so devastating. sigh
Depends on the person. My first ex i stayed friends with and we are great friends even after years, once we broke up the line was never crossed again. My 2nd ex tho I tried staying friends but he really couldn't. I thought it would be like my first ex but definitely not, everyone is different and every situation is different
We were very good friends before the relationship, both introverts, agreeable characters, broke up on good terms due to practical differences turning our romantic relationship toxic. I’m not sure if we’ll stay friends long term, e.g. when he finds another partner and that person being possibly jealous and also because I’m moving out of the country.
My partner is close friends with his ex that he dated over 10 years ago.. it makes me extremely uncomfortable but they have both made it clear multiple times that there is no chance of romance and that the thought of them ever being romantic seems like a different life time. They text every now and again and when he was single they’d hang out super often in a platonic way and in group scenarios. They have been friends longer than they were ever romantically together and they never fooled around since, it just makes me so uncomfortable.. he’s always understanding where I’m coming from and always assures me there is nothing to worry about but being friends with and ex is something I cannot process.. he’s an amazing man but this is the one thing in our 3 year long relationship that we argue and butt heads over. I’m not sure what to do. I have told her personally it makes me uncomfortable and they still text every now and again regardless.. he says she’s someone that was there for him and he was there for her through tough times and he can’t just cut off a good friend completely after knowing her for so long he’s a 36 year old M and when they dated they were not romantically compatible at all and realized they worked a lot better as friends which is what they are now.
You have to work on your own insecurities. Having these doubts and fears can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. In a mature relationship, both partners should respect each other's lives and freedom. Wanting to control any aspect of another's life is a sign of something off within the one wanting to do the controlling.
Haha im friends Whit My ex but i would hate that and him two we just Call eachtor when we have problems becuse we know eatchors flaws so well we did end Up at THE same party ones whitout knowing we knew THE same People that whent bad i was on a date but he Took it like a champ and left instead of going apeshiet i feel bad Four you broe.
I was the one breaking up, and it may sound heartless, but did not want to stay friends with my ex. He blocked me everywhere after breaking up, which of course I understood. He recently reached out again after 8 years, but I see no point to meet. We are very different people now, and I would definitely not want to raise his hopes, if there are any. Also, the last year of relationship was tough on both sides, and we were never friends before getting together. Do not feel the obligation to stay friends with the person you broke up with, and specially not for guilt, in the absence of a real connection.
Personally, I can't stay friends with an ex and thankfully my boyfriend has the same view. If lets say he were to be friends with an ex, I would have to set boundaries and if he can't respect them, I would leave the relationship. To each their own.
I have been friends with my ex for a long time. However, we started as good friends, got "together" after we werent sure if what we feel towards each other was love or Deep friendship. After a month it was clear that typical friendly activities were still great, but more typically relationship activities (sex, attempts at living together, being generally romantic) were kinda... Off? Like nothing bad, but it didnt feel as good as it supposed to do. We "officialy" broken up after 5 months, but realistically we didnt do anything close friends wouldn't do for the last 3 months. After that we just came to the conclussion that we are just not meant to be together, no real love here. We stayed friends. Unfortunately its a constant struggle with my current gf. I absolutely understand her perspective, but Im not gonna drop my long time friend, because of mild jealousy (its not big, we dont fight over it, but I can feel she is not 100% fine with that).
I cut my ex wife off. She deliberately and consciously stepped out of our marriage for two years with another man. I didn't know until after the divorce the extent of the infidelity. I didnt feel that being friends with her would provide me with any benefit. We have a child together who was 13 at the time and I managed a polite conversation for my child's sake. The disrespect continue in smaller ways during that time...so I for me it was good decision to cut her off now that my kid is 18.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he wanted to be "friends" with his ex lied whole time they are in a relationship while we are together.
I am still friends with my exes. Not best friends rather relatively distance friendship. That is because eventhough we crossed our paths doesn't mean we should hate each other. It comes from being indifferent. Not out of love, guilt or hate. ❤
Ex's always want to be friends with me. The few times I have its been disastrous for me emotionally, I've told this to friends and online people and I have been scorned for it. It seems so easy and does have obvious good things about it but, it hurts too much for me. Its my top 3 worst feelings in life. If I like someone and they don't like me back yeah that stings but if I get with someone and get intimate and romantic, and then they wanna be friends. I can't do it. Some part of me says I'm bad and weak for not just staying friends.
The gradually increasing noise on the background that appears sometimes makes the video more dramatic :-))))) P. S. It's probably the metro sound but it feels like thunder and really adds some extra tension which makes the speech more epic :-)
My ex and I are very good friends. We were friends before we started dating and after some time cooling off post-break-up are friends after too. It’s been four years since we broke-up and we’re great!
I'm friendly with 2 of my exes, and one I was very close friends with (and their SO for their entire relationship) the 3rd, and am still fairly close with her now. I feel like the close friend first is a slightly different situation.
I haven't watched your video yet but I am friends with a couple of my exes. Purley platonic. They're good people, and one of them was my first relationship so he holds something special. Would I ever want to get back with him? It's not even on the table. Like ever. Thinking about it is weird. I stay friends because I genuinely like him as a person and we get along great. There are other guys who I try to stay "friends" with and I think on their end it's them trying to get tail. So I keep distance, don't initiate convo, and even have to block them if necessary. So. People CAN be friends with their exes - other people I know have similar things going on. It really depends on the person.
I feel the same with my ex too. He was my first real relationship and we share some special memories together. But at this point our relationship was so long ago that those romantic feelings are gone and I just value the interests we have in common. Could never imagine getting back together tho. I realized our goals in life just didn't line up
Im best friends with one of my exes. We’re both gay and we got along really well so we just decided to stay friends after the break up. But we also didn’t date for that long either (only about 2 months). Some of my friends are into non monogamy aswell. I think it has to do with rejecting heteronormative standards.. because growing up we learned they never really worked for us. I can’t speak for the whole community but I feel that there isn’t as much pressure to adhere to societal rules about roles or relationships with people. And there aren’t as many expectations to uphold as I feel like straight couples do. There’s less pressure to get married, have children, etc. I find that there’s a lot more communication that goes on in terms of boundaries and wants/needs when it comes to lgbt relationships because of this, and building a relationship “framework” that works for you along the way. Whereas, with my straight friends who are in relationships, it seems like they already have a relationship framework in mind and set of expectations that come along with it.
I feel like I have a unique experience and Im only commenting to see if it isn't unique, haha. My ex and I broke up over 7 years ago and within the last year, re-connected and have been "friends." The only reason I quoted that is because his intentions are to be friends and my intentions have been more reserved/guarded. My initial feelings didn't want to be friends with him. He was my first love and we dated for 6 years with the plan to get married, kids, house, grow old together, etc. So a lot of baggage that I have taken the time to work through and heal from over the last 7 years of no contact and separation. I had no idea he would appear back in my life this year- it was a random coincidence. He calls me his friend and Im finally okay with that, but I still need to figure out how I feel because I don't think I want to be friends long-term. I can see us possibly getting back together or me ending everything and going back to no contact for the rest of my life. Which I know sounds so serious, but Im the kind of person who needs things to be crystal clear. There's a part of me that knows I need to have another honest conversation with him about where Im at, but I need to figure out what the heck that is, because Im still so hesitant to try it out with him again.
I am still really good friends with my most recent ex, but I realized that are difference in each other that can never work and he’s acknowledged it. But before I could became friends with him I did have to separate myself from him for time until I knew I was no longer in love or had certain emotions towards him. He showed me a lot about myself, I’d wish knew before I got in a relationship with him but I believe it is possible but both sides really need to acknowledge there pros n cons together in order to maintain a friendship with a ex. When you can acknowledge n see the situation for it is n not what it isn’t then anything is possible on both sides.
I think time is really important. Trying to be friends right away is not natural. But starting over after some time and being friends, if there was real friendship and understanding in the relationship, that makes total sense to me. I even see it as victory of humanity over vanity. Wanting to be friends right after the breakup sounds either as an empty phrase (let`s stay friends) or as an attempt to get back together/not go through the pain of loss. I have a friend who is really good friends with an ex and her new family (her husband obviously doesn`t mind, cause he is included in the friendship), but after he got married, his wife started getting insecure about that. I haven`t been in the situation myself, but to me it seems reasonable and safe to be family friends with an ex of my man, if they broke up many years ago and no sexual attraction can be perceived now.
Anyone know if she’s done a video regarding sex in a relationship? Maybe in regards to the psychology importance of in couples, what the lack of it may represent and result in, as well as the bond it garners within relationships?
Me and my ex were together 12 years. We seperated, his decision, and about a year after separation we got together our anniversary weekend... after everything tjat happened that weekend he just wants to be friends.. like what's the point in that? We have no kids no financial relationship we don't have friends in common.. I will never understand how he couod even eant to be friends.
Can you do one about dating married men in the process of divorce? I’m not naive.. I know, I know.. but he found me on the dating app. Also, I can elaborate on why there should be some kind of consideration of the circumstances.
Hii I really love your videos, I'd appreciate it a lot if you could talk about friendships, a golden ratio or some way to keep them healthy and/or how to avoid burnout in a friendship. Thank you for putting up this great content, you bright my days w your knowledge
I was just thinking about this today! I didn't stay friends with my ex. He has reached out many times over the years. He is married with children. I believe he's reaching out, not because he misses me or cares, but because he's curious or lonely. Regardless, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I never reply. We tried staying friends for a while, but I never saw him that way. It felt like a downgrade. I can't be friends with someone I have been intimate with, just like I can't be intimate with my friends. It's a clear line that can't be crossed. I didn't stay friends with my ex because I love myself more than him, and my feelings are more important than his.
@Marie B My sentiments exactly, yet people don’t understand this logic and tell me that I’m mean and in reference to my male friends people say well “just give it a try” but he is my friend and there are lines you just don’t cross!
My take? You can’t “stay” friends with an ex if you were never friends to begin with. Some couples really were friends before they started dating, so it’s possible that they can revert back to a friendship after a breakup and some time to cool down, but more than half of you had no genuine friendship with your partner before you started dating them. It is utter foolishness to think that you will be friends with them after a traumatic breakup when you were never even friends in the first place. It’s hard enough to build a good friendship when you’re starting from nothing; there’s no way you can build it from a foundation of disappointment or betrayal!
This is an EXCELLENT point. I have a good friend that I'm still close to after we dated for over a year and then broke up, but we had been friends for more than two years before that, so it was more a matter of just slipping back to what we had before. It did take me a minute to properly get over my feelings (and I think that if she were ever to suggest a relationship again, I'd likely seriously consider it), but I ultimately really respect her for being willing to communicate the way she did, and it's reinforced the fact that we do really care about each other as people and friends. In some ways it's made our friendship stronger, because I can trust her to mean what she says and not just go along with things for my sake (something we've both had trouble with in the past, and one of many reasons we have such a strong mutual understanding).
My predicament, because I love the person and want him to be happy but I can accept that we aren't romantically compatible. I miss him I dont miss the relationship
I am in a similar situation with my ex (he is in a relationship while I am working out things with myself before getting into another one) and I accept that we weren't really compatible to begin with, but we appreciate each other's insight and company :)) We have found a safe space in each other but I wouldn't want to get back with him and him with me as well :))
@@poddeeznuts ok see, I was starting to wonder if it was a bad thing but I originally saw it as "i appreciate you as a human/soul enough to not want to discard you like trash just because of my pride/ego."
@@jessicafernandez777 Exactly! There are times when losing contact with an ex is the best decision, especially if one wasn’t treated well and there wasn’t a friendship built during your time together. But if that isn’t the case, any relationship can be kept and maintained if the intentions are coming from love :)) there really isn’t a right or wrong way but whatever feels right with you and the other person :))
Be aware that some of them could be narcissists as they need to have their harem garage of supply. Be aware of people who stay in touch with all of their exes and somehow never let go of them even when they are in a new relationship
The girl I may date soon had 3 exs and she's said that her past was bad but yet is close to one, two or all of her exs for idk what reason! Is this a red flag to u? And why? What shud I do abt it?
@@Vnp99 it sounds like she is about to make you a rebound. Since she had a bad relationship but can’t let go of him at the same time, goes to show that she might still be emotionally invested in her previous relationship. I would say have a talk with her. She isn’t a narcissist, she seems like she isn’t fully over her ex yet and that is the redflag
Honestly, I had two and my first ex is one of my best friends, and the other one is still a very close friend. I wouldn't call myself a narcissist at all haha. Personally, I don't get into a relationship if the person is not a friend of mine or close first, and when the relationship is over is still value them as friends and want to get along well as friends.
@@marina816 absolutely, is not a general rule. This is why i suggested people to be careful out there. Is good to double check people’s motives all the time. Is a cold world
As someone who's still good friends with one of his exes to this day, I can assure you it's because it was a healthy relationship that just wasn't meant to be.
If you stayed friends what does your new partner think of that? My boyfriend wanted to hang out with his ex and I wasn't willing to do that, why would I it's weird! Just a friendly chat is ok but not hanging out with them.
I don’t understand how some people stay in contact with an ex and switch to being their friend right away. How do you get over someone if you’re still talking all the time? I went through my first breakup very recently and we decided not to have any kind of contact for a while before considering a friendship.
Because you're not necessarily talking all the time. For me, being friends with my (dickhead) ex simply means making music together; that was the best thing about our relationship anyway. If he continues the passive aggressive misgendering crap, though, I won't even be able to do that with him. To be honest, I was over the relationship before we split up -- not that I didn't realise how awful it was afterwards and cried a lot. Like, there's no objective reason not to be friends just because you stopped fucking. A good reason not to be friends would be in the case of abuse (clearly, though, I am foolhardy and trying to love everyone, or something of the sort...)
@@BooksAndShitButNotLiterally I feel like it’s very hard to get over the romantic and emotional connection at least right after the breakup, especially if it wasn’t abusive. Friendship isn’t the same and I’d need time to grieve the loss. Didn’t do anything sexual anyways cause he’s waiting for marriage.
@@madelinevlogs5898 Everything is different for everybody. I did feel extremely sad after the breakup, because I had to realise that I'd clung to the relationship almost in a state of delusion, ignoring quite how bad the bad parts were. I had to realise that the first time I had made myself truly vulnerable in a relationship, it had been a mistake. Now that's a hit to the ol' pride! But I always knew there was that theme in our relationship -- he didn't believe in love, so he was going to remove my (nascent) belief. And I thought maybe he would feel my love if I loved him enough. No, it doesn't really work like that. Not at all. I certainly couldn't immediately be pally with him. But I've been on good terms with all of my exes, bar one. It turns out there was an abusive element in all of those relationships, however, so maybe I was fooling myself. It's just.. how to put it. It's hard to truly condemn anyone. Part of me is paranoid; the other half counteracts it by being incredibly naiive.
@@rashaadbrown175 it's clear you don't know much. Some romantic relationships don't last because the people in the relationship aren't compatible with each other. Not all relationships are toxic and not all have to end in bad terms.
Mine failed bc of a lack of communication and having some different values at that point in time, too much was assumed, leading to misunderstandings and hurt. Easily avoidable and fixable, but she never wanted to work things out or try again, having misconceptions about me she won't let go of. All I can do is live my life, if she sees otherwise somehow, great, but I doubt it. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is perfect here. I've tried.
Before knowing the reasons, you gotta separate them into groups: the one who dumped, the one who got dumped, mutual breakup, and external causes breakup. Each group will have different reasons to stay friends with their ex. It's impossible to generalize all of them with the same mindset.
Main problem I see with staying friends with an ex is that it’s a stagnant connection. There can’t be any forward progress and you’re clinging to a past connection. Maybe if were friends before relationship and have overlapping social circles would stay friends with an ex. But if met with express intention of romance (esp through a dating app) is very hard to stay friends after relationship ends
It’s a no from me. 🥲 Someone is always holding on to hope. I wish them the best, maybe we could have a short cordial conversation if we bumped into each other(and I didn’t run the other way 🏃🏻♀️💨) but definitely not a ‘friendship’ scenario.
Great video Ana! Just a personal observation on Avoidant attachment types: they often want to stay friends with their exes because of guilt. It’s their peace offering for not showing up for you during the relationship.
Well I have an avoidance attachment style, my ex is anxious attachment. They wanted to remain friends and I didn't. All or nothing, not further rejection
It’s not impossible to have a platonic relationship with an ex but I think it is rare especially if it was a long term serious relationship. I wouldnt be ok if my bf was close with an ex and vice versa with my bf. I just see it as, that person was in your past so leave em there. There’s really no point in holding onto em
C i don't think they have just be part of your past or be left there. If they are a good person then why toss them away. Idk it's different for everyone. If it is a mutually healthy friendship it can be a blessing.
@@afifatanjeem2464 Some people are better off as friends and are capable of having a platonic friendship after break up - especially after long term. You get to know a person and find common interests. If they are a good person and you want to remain friends, then fine. Two good people won't increase heartbreak because they know they don't work romantically.
Yes and it interferes with the current relationship because it always makes you wonder if they’re having bad intentions with this person constantly. Or if the other party is trying to sway them to be romantically involved with them.
Staying friends with my ex was one of my biggest mistakes in navigating our breakup, it just brought me pain and got me taken advantage of. Know your worth everyone
most cases but probably not always, sometimes it's just honest loss of attraction/love, but everything else like emotional connection might still be there, however I think it's mostly a sad and depressing premise for those who got dumped, are still in love and accept the measly friends offer, while it's hard to come by any good stats on this, pretty much everything I've heard about this is that the chances of getting back with someone via friends route is next to done, but then again getting back in any other way is a very small chance anyway so it almost does not matter
My narcissist ex stayed friends with his ex's for supply and wanted to remain friends with me after he ghosted for several years. I refused and he bullied me for getting rid of all the toxicity out of my life, as if me being healthy and free of toxicity was an attack on him, when in fact, I was protecting myself so that I could heal from all of the abuse.
I was just going to say this!!! There are a ton of videos on narcissistic abuse and they stay friends with their ex. So sorry but i'd say because of that don't stay friends.
I dated someone who was close friends with his ex and it was a terrible experience. I tried to be understanding and I kept giving him chances against my better judgement. It was a big mistake and I would never date someone with that arrangement again. When I would raise concerns about some of the things his ex was doing like baking him desserts and making him dinner he would call me "jealous" and "insecure." What makes someone jealous of an ex exactly? Are you saying your CURRENT bf/gf is jealous of what a strong relationship you have with your ex? Your relationship with your ex is supposed to be finished in order for you to even be in a new relationship to begin with. The whole concept of being close friends with your ex while you're dating someone else just boggles my mind but people will do it. I eventually had to accept the fact that their relationship, regardless of how they labeled it a "friendship," was the primary relationship. Whereas I was the secondary relationship. So I walked away. He let me leave too, which further indicated how attached he was to his ex. You have to know your boundaries early or you'll get taken for a ride and hurt like me 😔
I have never stayed friends with my exes. Once it's over, it's over and my feelings for them die within a few weeks. Honestly, once the relationship dies, why carry around the corpse? Bury it and move on.
Right? It’s ok to be civil around your ex if you run into them and y’all resolved the end of the relationship, but to be friends? Respect the dead, grieve, and move on
Yeah but don't you care about them? We have limited time on Earth and I can't imagine just spending it separately from someone who is like family, who's company I enjoy and who I really care about (I care about if he's well and if he's happy). I can't imagine how people don't stay best friends after a break up, I would still want to share everything with my ex and talk every day.
@@nonono777 When I said my feelings for them die, I wasn't joking. After the breakup, my now ex doesn't mean anything more than some random person I encounter on the street. When I give my heart to someone and she accepts it as her own, that's an emotional point of no return. It becomes an all or nothing deal. If we break up, then the "all" is over and the only thing left is the "nothing", which is exactly what there is between my ex and I. It might seem cold, but survival takes top priority and survival isn't always nice.
I don’t communicate with any ex at all. I don’t like when my current partner is friends with their ex unless they were already friends before we met. Even then I don’t like it.
not to dig into it but there may be some trust issues or jealousy. If you are confident in your relationship you should be fine with him still keeping in touch as long as it is not non stop talking and over the top. Many times people realise they don't have a romantic future together but this doesn't mean they can't genuinely be friends. If this is how you do, it doesn't mean this is how your partner should do it too.
@@marina816 you’re absolutely right. I have a dear guy friend and he has a gf now and I would be devastated if we couldn’t be friends bc of it. I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her either. He wouldn’t not allow it but I don’t get invited to things she’s going to attend. But I think she knows we hang out. That’s fine. Also I feel like if I made a move on him he wouldn’t decline. That’s just a shitty assumption, and I won’t test it. The truth is, I am very possessive. I have also had many men who are attached make advances towards me. So of course that doesn’t make me trust men as a whole.
but what he saying its not nessary to have an ex as a friend or still contacting them if the relationship was over but ur right if thier only friends u can put trust in bf gf whoever they are to u still being friends with ex its a reason to still contact them if there kids involve depends on age but nothing more just to help them with the kids yeah it depends on thier situation with kids is why they still might contact eacother only for the kids nothing more they current partner should trust bf or gd if no cheating involve
I agree but all u have to do is have trust in ur partner u cant control what ur significant other does but all u can do is communicate/express ur feelings and if it doesnt work then it doesn't work out if it does then ur relationship works out
Got into a relationship with my best friend. We lasted almost 3 years and recently broke up but we’re still living together. It’s very sad, and there’s only so much we can do to comfort each other. It doesn’t help that we were pretty dependent on one another for the most part. I don’t want to get back together, and I don’t regret what happened, but I do find myself asking why Is It that we need to go through all of this grief in order to grow? I miss my friend.
To each their own, but I could never remain friends with an ex. I could be friendly , but not friends. Remaining friends makes me feel like I'm the backup plan or break glass in case of emergency guy.
if my bf is friends with his ex he gotta go i’m not gonna tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but i’m not gonna deal with that , there’s no man i’d trust enough with another woman especially not a woman you used to be involved with and for some reason can’t let go
Loving the Morticia Addams vibes you are serving in this video Ana! No shade to people who do, but I could never stay friends with an ex. I guess this could be because I’m most likely an avoidant attachment style, but I always thought it was due to being highly emotional. I’ve had a couple breakups that were very mature and I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards these former partners, but I haven’t talked to either of these people in years and I could never maintain a friendship with them. It would bring up too many emotions and feel like I’m trying to go back to the past
I can see how you might periodically stay in touch, but I don’t see how a true nurturing friendship could continue because you need to move on and focus on other people. You can’t really move on to someone else if you keep falling back on the ex for a connection.
For me it's simple. Sexuality is detachable. Sometimes you find an amazing emotional bond with a partner, and when you break up, all you are saying is "I no longer want to have babies and grow old with you", that could be caused by a number of reason not related to your chemistry, emotional compatibility, etc. If you find a solid relationship with somebody you no longer want to team up with, as long as your both able to emotionally handle it, why ghost each other? makes no sense.
I agree. But I think it could be holding you back from moving forward in life, and it's very hard for jealousy not to appear sometimes. It invites mixed feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, attachment, attraction, etc... and all this confusion is not healthy, sometimes hard to rationalise it.
so, this is it? it's all about loving people then dumping them into the garbage just because it didn't work out? i think we cut loose the ones who makes us real bad, the partners that actually are not worthy of keeping around, but most of our partners are people that in some point deserve our trust, we choose them for some reason, now, if you only have terrible partners to remember and all you wanna do is pretend they never existed well, thay may say more about you and the way you choose poeple in you life, and if you can't manage things like romantic feelings and jealousy that's a different story, that's up to you and the development of your ego. mature and well developed persons should come easy with frindship, even more if it is with a person that you had such an intimacy and trust.
my ex contacted me 2 days ago wanted to be friends. he tried being friends before but i wasn't ok with it and i don't think he'll ever get that i will never be ok w it because he's a selfish, man-child. i can't hold on to people that make me feel bad. that just slows down the spiritual path i've chosen for myself. lame.
I'm still friends with a few girls I dated. Only the ones that didn't do me wrong. And we ended it on good terms. The ones that were toxic, (cheating narcissistic etc) didn't bother keeping them in my life. Tried to but knew it wasn't going to work with them being so toxic. But of course when I am dating again I don't tend to talk to my exes at all. Unless they message me, they are respectful if I'm in a relationship or dating and so do I if their in a relationship. Wish everyone you came across knew what respect is.
Forget the study. Everybody knows what the game is. If they’re keeping their ex (backup plan) around, do not hang around. If they bring one back in to their life, do not hang around. However you figure it out, always draw the line. Not only is it far easier to have sex with someone you have previously, there is emotional attachment from one, the other or both. They will lie to you, they will lie to themselves that it’s nothing. Ask yourself how they see you when they’re willing to knowingly put themselves in that situation when they’re with you.
No, most healthy people do not believe that you need to hate your exes. Many healthy people may even feel many positive emotions for an ex-partner, for example, admiration or tenderness for the good things that they shared as a couple. But they are also mature enough to understand that having these emotions - which are perfectly normal - does not mean that it is wise or necessary to hang on to that same ex-lover once the relationship is over. They know that hanging onto the past may well keep them from fully moving forward into the future. they also realize that maintaining a bond with an ex-lover is unfair on and disrespectful to any future partner that they may have, not to mention their ex-lover's new partner, and is very likely to cause problems in a new relationship. So, yes, no matter how 'cool' that person is, they bite the bullet and move on...
@@suzy1750 your first sentence says "no, most HEALTHY people do not believe you have to hate your exes" and I never mentioned healthiness at all which completely changes the meaning of the sentence. I had to check to see if you were actually responding to me because it seems so unrelated. I hope you see what I mean.
@@CDLatin No, I don't see what you mean - my response was on point. I'm not sure what you are confused about to be honest. But if you still think the response is 'unrelated' let me put it this way - people who are emotionally healthy do not believe that you need to hate an ex - hating people in general is not healthy unless they are truly awful people. Emotionally healthy people simply understand that remaining involved with ex-lovers will often prevent them from moving on quickly and definitely be unfair on future partners as well as detrimental to future relationships. I hope that makes it more clear? Either way, it doesn't matter, I really can't make it any more clear. :) Be well.
My ex is my best friend. We grew apart after a few years in the relationship sense, we wanted different things from life! But we still had a lot in common, and had built an unshakeable friendship over the time of our relationship. I'm amazed looking through the comments at how black and white some people see things. Why would you be with a partner you don't trust? What is it that you're insecure about exactly? It's entirely possible for 2 adults who had been involved romantically in the past to be JUST friends. Not everybody lives their life based on past experiences/emotions. Things are always changing and we all grow in different ways throughout the course of our life.
This is one the most emotionally mature comments here. I've seen many people maintain healthy and beneficial relationships with exes. Breakups aren't always catastrophic, sometimes the reason was two people started to feel more like friends than romantic partners anyway. A lot of people in the comments aren't seeing past their own experiences and insecurities. "It didn't work out for me, that makes means it won't work out for anyone."
Those of us who are calm, secure, stoic can tolerate partners having contact with ex partners and have friendships with exs. I'm in my mid thirties and I aint got time to tilt at windmills@@SKBottom
I like the way you emphasize that you are under no obligation to stay friends with someone after a breakup - or even to accept that you're going to be friends as a pretense. I vividly remember the first time I got the 'friends' talk. I was a senior in high school, and I asked a girl to the prom. She initially said yes, and then a week later - you guessed it - someone else asked her and she ditched me. And of course she bookended the whole thing with a promise that we were going to be wonderful friends for life, and that was pretty much the last time she ever talked to me. Okay, so she was probably about 17, and hardly the first or the last teenage girl to ditch a prom date, and hardly the first or the last to use the 'friends' talk as a way to make herself feel better under the pretense that it was really supposed to make the guy she just casually torpedoed feel better. I can cut her some slack. Further, years later I came to understand that you really can't control whether you're interested in dating someone - I have in fact had girls who expressed feelings for me I didn't have for them. Thing is, though, I never, ever use the 'friends' talk. It's just a lame cop-out, and no one ever says it for any other reason than to make themselves feel better. If you're breaking up with someone, or even just telling someone you don't feel 'that way' about them - do both yourself and the person you're giving the news to a favor and don't ever hit them up with the 'friends' talk. And if someone ever tries to use it on you - just smile and walk away. Believe me, you're not walking away from much.
I’m bisexual and dated a girl for 3 months, it ended because I wasn’t in such a great head space. . I recently got close to the LGBTQ community and realized a lot of them stay friends, maybe it’s the unity of it? Think
It may also have to do with the contained community aspect. In many towns GLTB don't have as many social options as do the larger community and and the frequency of chance encounters is higher. Just my guess.
3:33 as a bisexual person when I break up with other people it had more to do with the fact we were friends BEFORE we dated. That’s how a lot of queer / same sex relationships start. You become friends first realize that you don’t just have platonic feelings for one another and then date. It’s not the same for all queer people but with the majority I’ve dated and met that’s how it goes. So that’s why it’s important to keep the friendship after the breakup. Hope this helps!
yes omg fellow queer person watching this video much later after it came out you are making me feel SEEN a lot of this made me so sad for cishet people tbh
I don't see any problem with being friends with an ex, but I think it's only possible if enough time has passed after the breakup I think it's fine if a couple years have passed. But being friends right after breaking up will definitely end badly because feelings take a while to fade away
My ex reached out behind his gf"s back over the years(2015-17 and then again 2019-to now), I eventually got fed up coz he was pushing to see me/sleep with me and I had said I wasn't interested in him or being friends only open to some communication coz of covid (thought it was a hars tike for everyone) but kong story short, he was being a sleeze so I ended up fowarding his gf all the messages he sent me. He even sent me stuff like "is your bf as good as me in bed?" And wanting to know about my sex life - well I'm doing someone else, hakuna Matataa!
I actually stayed friends with my last partner, but we decided not to have contact anymore. She was the perfect match at that time, but at one point our staying together as a couple would just hinder each of us in our development and our goals, due to us being at completely different stages of our lifes. We could not just go back and play best friend after being so close and intimate with each other. And even though that I wish for her to find someone who's even way better than me, I guess I could not bear witnessing her with someone else while being her friend. So we each went our own paths, but still hold each other and our friendship dear into our hearts. I know if I ever need anything I could contact her and she would be there for me, as I am there for her.
He’s not even my ex. We just can’t be a couple. Anyway we have no contact now. I still strived to stay friends and we were good friends in the beginning. Also I didn’t really mind him falling for someone else. Yet after a while I started to understand why it’s better to be strangers, Like how he avoided me after realizing we weren’t meant for each other. If You love a person , for some reasons you separate, the attachments will linger. When one feel lonely, people are likely to seek some memories back. People can hardly strike a balance. Like you have sweet dreams, but the sweetness for now will leave you ponder why just staying sober seems to be so tough. There’s nothing wrong with the recollections. In reality, we aren’t allowed to ask for more, which is unacceptable sometimes. We just can’t put rewind. Staying away from loved people we can’t be with is painful; nevertheless, in the grand scheme of things, it’s healthier.
Seems like I'm in the minority on this one but I've stayed friends with both of my exes (1.5 years in high school, 4.5 years in uni + domestic together). The second breakup was definitely the most painful, and we had the unusual situation of living together for 3 months post-breakup, but we now have a really strong friendship. I'm in a new relationship and my new partner is also friends with his ex. Seems to be more common with LGBT people, as was pointed out in the study.
I could not stay friends with exes. Imagine them flashing their new guy before me, and that I have to act as if nothing ever happened between me and the ex. That's narcissistic triangulation and I don't want anything to do with that.
Staying friends with an ex is usually a bad sign for your current partner. Either you haven't moved on or you weren't that much invested in your previous relationship, which means you likely won't be invested in this one either. There are probably some exceptions, but as a general rule it's bad.
Sometimes people stay friends because they were friends in the first place and tried to be a couple but realised they weren't romantically compatible!
yea that’s what happened :,)
Yeah that happen to me
Yep
That’s what happened to me😭
Good point.
you can remain friendly.. but you don't have to be friends
Absolutely
Thank you so much!
Thank you!
ありがと
This is just your opinion based on your own experience. I can tell you that you can be friend with your ex, and it's OK if you still have feelings, just be stronger and don't let that ruin the beautiful friendship, because a person who's been intimate wight you knows you better than everyone else. You can still find a new person to fall in love and be friend with your ex. With strong will and self awareness we can prevent jealousy to explode, and btw feelings like jealousy are egotistical, they show you want to possess the person which is not true love. True love means freedom.
Being friendly, and staying friends are totally different things. People who stays "friends" with their ex often have low self esteem. They need someone to fall back on if the new thing doesnt work out.
Rule 1: Don't try to be friends with your ex. Your future partner is always, always going to question the nature of your relationship. And they should. Cut and run. You left him/ her for a reason, and it's dishonest to hold that person close for the bump in self-esteem, or for a "friend." Cut and run. Your future partner isn't lacking self-esteem for questioning your relationship with your ex, he/ she is smart.
Preach!
Finally, a smart person with a high emotional quotient
I think that's bollocks. Relationships are not only valuable because of their status, and ofc the partner is insecure if they think that being friends with an ex is a problem. If the partner thinks that being friends with an ex is a reason to suspect cheating or their partner might go back, maybe the relationship wasn't supposed to be from the start. I think it's a good sign if a person is friends with their ex as it might show that they value friendship, which for me is the most important part of any relationship.
@@michan8093 or the more obvious point, if you feel that strongly about remaining connected to your ex, then you should probably try to make that relationship work again if it’s possible? Once there’s been a romantic connection, you can’t ever just “go back” to however it was before that happened. But if you want to rekindle a relationship, just be honest about it
@@hannahberlinpetry450 Hmm. I just believe that's an oversimplification of human relationships. Ppl form and experience relationships differently.
If you start a relationship from a friendship etc. there is already an established connection that you add intimacy, responsibilities and boundaries to. If a part of it breaks down or doesn't work out it doesn't mean other parts of the relationship are not still intact or even stronger.
I just think of it like becoming roomates with your friends. Maybe you'll realize that you are not fitted to live together but still stay friends after living together, maybe you start hating each other or maybe you like living together alright but situationally it doesn't work out.
Obviously part ways if the friendship impacts you negatively!
I think we just have different ways of viewing relationships in general, probably due to being in different cultural environments. This is just what I wanted to point out, that not staying friends is not a good rule for everyone.
I don't keep exes as friends and I won't date someone that keeps exes as friends. But I've also never dated a woman that I was friends with and I don't think I would enter into a romantic relationship with a friend.
Edit: I've tried having exes as friends and being with others that kept their exes as friends and it's not what I want in my life. It's easier for me to walk away from a relationship than to fight and be accused of being "controlling".
Omg I can't believe I've found people who think the same way I do! I said that a person being friends with their ex is a red flag on reddit and people came after me calling me insecure and controlling🙄 There was a ton of pickmes trying to justify their partner's close friendship with their ex and how because they allow them to be best friends with their ex they're not insecure and jealous like I am. Do these people even hear themselves? I hope they keep that same energy when their partner cheats on them with their ex they're FrIeNdS with. To be honest being friends with exes sounds messy af and I don't want any parts of it. I have boundaries and I'm not afraid of sticking to them nor will I be shamed out of doing so.
What's insecure to me is staying friends with an ex and secretly hoping that they'll come back to you and suppressing those feelings. I don't want to be second in my own relationship. If a guy is FrIeNdS with his ex, I'm out. It's better to start with a clean slate.
Thanks for everyone commenting on here
You don't have to understand it. Seems to me that most people in the comment section are being judgemental af. Not everyones situations is the same. I'm friends with one ex. We were better as friends. So after realizing that a romantic relationship wasnt for us. We decided to be friends. It took us time to get back to our friendship. But now he's one of my closest friends. Am I supposed to break a friendship with him just because we dated?
@@DeePeeZee And if that works for you, so be it. You chastise others for being judgemental and then pass judgement. The only person I am in control of is myself. Handle your business how you want and I'll handle mine the way I want.
@@doug4974 and that's on period doug.
"Staying friends with the ex" is a misnomer. A past history of intimacy with the partner automatically disqualifies the person as a "friend". Friendships are by definition platonic as much as some people seem to want to muddle the meaning. What it really means is two confused persons, playing an act in theater, attempting to bury or suppress their emotional history while trying to convincing themselves they are mere "friends".
Never date someone who is friends with their ex
It's usually a red flag when someone is friends with their ex, it means there's still a connection and feelings between them and there is a possibility of them getting together even if it's just a one-night stand.
Or they might talk about you when problems arise. Not good.
They probably already have if that's what it's about
I tried to be friends with my last ex because I was able to switch my feelings for him off and compartmentalism a friendship. He was an anxious attachment style and I could see how much pain it caused to even offer a friendship because to him, that meant I was no longer interested romantically. Looking back now I understand where I didn’t at the time.
I can never stay friends with an ex simply because that's not how it works also I think it's probably wrong to his future partners as well as mine... Though I can definitely strike a civil conversation if I ever meet em in gathering.
My girl said she's friends with her first love and she said she does not have any feelings for him anymore but they contact almost all the time and I broke up with her
Your Morticia Addams vibe in this one is kinda on point. Kudos and thank you!
I want to stay friends with my ex so that I can take her places we always wanted to go, to see her laugh and smile, to hear more of her jokes and original observations. I am in love with her and have so much room in my life for her. Our relationship felt unstable because I expressed doubts and couldn't forgive myself, nor could she forgive me. Right up until the week before we broke up we had such passion and fun together. I was so happy.
Thank you for this video! I recently stopped seeing this guy I really liked because he was best friends with his ex and they hung out often. I couldn't wrap my brain around why anyone would want to be close friends with their ex until I saw this video although my personal take is you can be cordial with an ex, but you don't have to be friends.
I attempted to make amends with my ex and be friends with him- with absolutely no malicious intentions- but he started being sketchy about it and was essentially cheating on his then-girlfriend with me. Then he gaslit me online saying I was coming onto him when he was the one suggesting we do stuff behind his girlfriend's back. Lol. Never doing that again.
@@vanyakalinka8305 she was thinking of how she could have him as a fwb
@@kenseisato1989 lol i was seventeen and a virgin. he went and got another girl pregnant eventually while he was still with his girlfriend.
@@maikanazareno7682 sheesh😐🙆🏽♂️
Maybe you and your ex were both wrong
Always variables and situations. My ex was a childhood friend I have known since I was 14 and our families have known each other as far back as I can remember . Got together in our 20s and we were together 6 years as a couple. When we split we don’t really meet up anymore but we text and communicate. We have both moved on amicably but we update each other on what the other has been up to. Just being cordial and supportive as friends because we are both busy with our careers.
You're actually right, the reason why I watched this video is because my partner is still friends with his ex to this day. I am an overthinker, and I was cheated on by a previous partner, and because of their friendship I get anxious and overthink that "they might be doing something else other than just chatting and catching up." My partner has reassured me a lot of time that they don't have feelings for each other anymore and that they were childhood friends, but it still couldn't make me stop from overthinking. Help please
It seems that your problem is not his friendship with his ex, but your overthinking.
If its causing you're anxiety that's a clue. I was in similar shoes and never gets better.
Speak up and tell your partner that you're not comfy at all to their friendship. You have right to do that since their friendship can caused you problems. Everyone deserves to feel safe and secure in a solid relationship. Find a win-win solution is better than get anxious and ruin your inner peace because of you're scared.
You have every right to be concerned. This is a red flag. If your partner can’t let go of their ex, they still want them. Run for the hills.
I appreciate your analysis of the reasons one might remain friends with their ex. Very well developed thesis and very consistent
I've been with my current partner for almost 5 years now, and we're anticipating breaking up. The whole time he's told me that he's not looking for commitment or marriage, we have hardly any expectations of one another beyond spending time together, goofing around, watching movies, playing video games and obviously sexual intimacy. The seriousness of our relationship was something I grieved, but accepted as I can focus on my art and career and friendships. Nowadays, I'd like to move on to something serious (and him, the opposite), but we've had the hardest time separating because losing the friendship we've built feels so devastating.
sigh
Depends on the person. My first ex i stayed friends with and we are great friends even after years, once we broke up the line was never crossed again. My 2nd ex tho I tried staying friends but he really couldn't. I thought it would be like my first ex but definitely not, everyone is different and every situation is different
We were very good friends before the relationship, both introverts, agreeable characters, broke up on good terms due to practical differences turning our romantic relationship toxic. I’m not sure if we’ll stay friends long term, e.g. when he finds another partner and that person being possibly jealous and also because I’m moving out of the country.
All of these signs except "constantly spending time with them" ... I'm so glad I broke up 3 weeks ago.
My partner is close friends with his ex that he dated over 10 years ago.. it makes me extremely uncomfortable but they have both made it clear multiple times that there is no chance of romance and that the thought of them ever being romantic seems like a different life time. They text every now and again and when he was single they’d hang out super often in a platonic way and in group scenarios. They have been friends longer than they were ever romantically together and they never fooled around since, it just makes me so uncomfortable.. he’s always understanding where I’m coming from and always assures me there is nothing to worry about but being friends with and ex is something I cannot process.. he’s an amazing man but this is the one thing in our 3 year long relationship that we argue and butt heads over. I’m not sure what to do. I have told her personally it makes me uncomfortable and they still text every now and again regardless.. he says she’s someone that was there for him and he was there for her through tough times and he can’t just cut off a good friend completely after knowing her for so long he’s a 36 year old M and when they dated they were not romantically compatible at all and realized they worked a lot better as friends which is what they are now.
You have to work on your own insecurities. Having these doubts and fears can ruin an otherwise happy relationship. In a mature relationship, both partners should respect each other's lives and freedom. Wanting to control any aspect of another's life is a sign of something off within the one wanting to do the controlling.
I was just thinking about this topic and you made a video on it! Amazing! Thanks for all the useful information! ☺
My ex's only friends were all originally my friends. I really wish she would get her own.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF
Haha im friends Whit My ex but i would hate that and him two we just Call eachtor when we have problems becuse we know eatchors flaws so well we did end Up at THE same party ones whitout knowing we knew THE same People that whent bad i was on a date but he Took it like a champ and left instead of going apeshiet i feel bad Four you broe.
I find this comment unexpectedly hilarious.
I was the one breaking up, and it may sound heartless, but did not want to stay friends with my ex. He blocked me everywhere after breaking up, which of course I understood. He recently reached out again after 8 years, but I see no point to meet. We are very different people now, and I would definitely not want to raise his hopes, if there are any. Also, the last year of relationship was tough on both sides, and we were never friends before getting together. Do not feel the obligation to stay friends with the person you broke up with, and specially not for guilt, in the absence of a real connection.
Personally, I can't stay friends with an ex and thankfully my boyfriend has the same view.
If lets say he were to be friends with an ex, I would have to set boundaries and if he can't respect them, I would leave the relationship. To each their own.
I have been friends with my ex for a long time. However, we started as good friends, got "together" after we werent sure if what we feel towards each other was love or Deep friendship. After a month it was clear that typical friendly activities were still great, but more typically relationship activities (sex, attempts at living together, being generally romantic) were kinda... Off? Like nothing bad, but it didnt feel as good as it supposed to do. We "officialy" broken up after 5 months, but realistically we didnt do anything close friends wouldn't do for the last 3 months. After that we just came to the conclussion that we are just not meant to be together, no real love here.
We stayed friends. Unfortunately its a constant struggle with my current gf. I absolutely understand her perspective, but Im not gonna drop my long time friend, because of mild jealousy (its not big, we dont fight over it, but I can feel she is not 100% fine with that).
I cut my ex wife off. She deliberately and consciously stepped out of our marriage for two years with another man. I didn't know until after the divorce the extent of the infidelity. I didnt feel that being friends with her would provide me with any benefit. We have a child together who was 13 at the time and I managed a polite conversation for my child's sake. The disrespect continue in smaller ways during that time...so I for me it was good decision to cut her off now that my kid is 18.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he wanted to be "friends" with his ex lied whole time they are in a relationship while we are together.
I am still friends with my exes. Not best friends rather relatively distance friendship. That is because eventhough we crossed our paths doesn't mean we should hate each other. It comes from being indifferent. Not out of love, guilt or hate. ❤
Ex's always want to be friends with me.
The few times I have its been disastrous for me emotionally, I've told this to friends and online people and I have been scorned for it.
It seems so easy and does have obvious good things about it but, it hurts too much for me. Its my top 3 worst feelings in life. If I like someone and they don't like me back yeah that stings but if I get with someone and get intimate and romantic, and then they wanna be friends. I can't do it.
Some part of me says I'm bad and weak for not just staying friends.
The gradually increasing noise on the background that appears sometimes makes the video more dramatic :-)))))
P. S. It's probably the metro sound but it feels like thunder and really adds some extra tension which makes the speech more epic :-)
the topics you talk about are super helpful
I'm only friends with exs, that I never got serious with. Anyone who I was serious with, we cut off complete contact.
Me af
My ex and I are very good friends. We were friends before we started dating and after some time cooling off post-break-up are friends after too. It’s been four years since we broke-up and we’re great!
I'm friendly with 2 of my exes, and one I was very close friends with (and their SO for their entire relationship) the 3rd, and am still fairly close with her now. I feel like the close friend first is a slightly different situation.
I haven't watched your video yet but I am friends with a couple of my exes. Purley platonic. They're good people, and one of them was my first relationship so he holds something special. Would I ever want to get back with him? It's not even on the table. Like ever. Thinking about it is weird. I stay friends because I genuinely like him as a person and we get along great. There are other guys who I try to stay "friends" with and I think on their end it's them trying to get tail. So I keep distance, don't initiate convo, and even have to block them if necessary. So. People CAN be friends with their exes - other people I know have similar things going on. It really depends on the person.
I feel the same with my ex too. He was my first real relationship and we share some special memories together. But at this point our relationship was so long ago that those romantic feelings are gone and I just value the interests we have in common. Could never imagine getting back together tho. I realized our goals in life just didn't line up
Way to go you used the example I'm in and used my Name. Creepy lol
Im best friends with one of my exes. We’re both gay and we got along really well so we just decided to stay friends after the break up. But we also didn’t date for that long either (only about 2 months).
Some of my friends are into non monogamy aswell. I think it has to do with rejecting heteronormative standards.. because growing up we learned they never really worked for us. I can’t speak for the whole community but I feel that there isn’t as much pressure to adhere to societal rules about roles or relationships with people. And there aren’t as many expectations to uphold as I feel like straight couples do. There’s less pressure to get married, have children, etc. I find that there’s a lot more communication that goes on in terms of boundaries and wants/needs when it comes to lgbt relationships because of this, and building a relationship “framework” that works for you along the way. Whereas, with my straight friends who are in relationships, it seems like they already have a relationship framework in mind and set of expectations that come along with it.
I feel like I have a unique experience and Im only commenting to see if it isn't unique, haha. My ex and I broke up over 7 years ago and within the last year, re-connected and have been "friends." The only reason I quoted that is because his intentions are to be friends and my intentions have been more reserved/guarded. My initial feelings didn't want to be friends with him. He was my first love and we dated for 6 years with the plan to get married, kids, house, grow old together, etc. So a lot of baggage that I have taken the time to work through and heal from over the last 7 years of no contact and separation. I had no idea he would appear back in my life this year- it was a random coincidence. He calls me his friend and Im finally okay with that, but I still need to figure out how I feel because I don't think I want to be friends long-term. I can see us possibly getting back together or me ending everything and going back to no contact for the rest of my life. Which I know sounds so serious, but Im the kind of person who needs things to be crystal clear. There's a part of me that knows I need to have another honest conversation with him about where Im at, but I need to figure out what the heck that is, because Im still so hesitant to try it out with him again.
It goes against my bottom line, you're free to be friends with your ex but I won't be a part of it.
This was oddly timed in my feed...
I am still really good friends with my most recent ex, but I realized that are difference in each other that can never work and he’s acknowledged it. But before I could became friends with him I did have to separate myself from him for time until I knew I was no longer in love or had certain emotions towards him. He showed me a lot about myself, I’d wish knew before I got in a relationship with him but I believe it is possible but both sides really need to acknowledge there pros n cons together in order to maintain a friendship with a ex. When you can acknowledge n see the situation for it is n not what it isn’t then anything is possible on both sides.
you are so truly beautiful and brilliant. your voice, inflections and demurely grounded expressions. everything about your face and eyes. good grief 😍
…bc, you have a solid friendship, between two people with integrity based on trust.
This was very insightful thank you
I think time is really important. Trying to be friends right away is not natural. But starting over after some time and being friends, if there was real friendship and understanding in the relationship, that makes total sense to me. I even see it as victory of humanity over vanity.
Wanting to be friends right after the breakup sounds either as an empty phrase (let`s stay friends) or as an attempt to get back together/not go through the pain of loss.
I have a friend who is really good friends with an ex and her new family (her husband obviously doesn`t mind, cause he is included in the friendship), but after he got married, his wife started getting insecure about that. I haven`t been in the situation myself, but to me it seems reasonable and safe to be family friends with an ex of my man, if they broke up many years ago and no sexual attraction can be perceived now.
Anyone know if she’s done a video regarding sex in a relationship? Maybe in regards to the psychology importance of in couples, what the lack of it may represent and result in, as well as the bond it garners within relationships?
My advice don't do it. Don't tolerate it from a partner and don't do it to a partner!
How funny, just stumbled upon your video and you’re Romanian. Me also. 🤙
i love your hair in this video :)
Me and my ex were together 12 years. We seperated, his decision, and about a year after separation we got together our anniversary weekend... after everything tjat happened that weekend he just wants to be friends.. like what's the point in that? We have no kids no financial relationship we don't have friends in common.. I will never understand how he couod even eant to be friends.
What if there are a lot of practical reasons to stay friends but you still have feelings?
Sex causes soul ties, attachment. Cut the cords and move on!
Can you do one about dating married men in the process of divorce? I’m not naive.. I know, I know.. but he found me on the dating app. Also, I can elaborate on why there should be some kind of consideration of the circumstances.
Hii I really love your videos, I'd appreciate it a lot if you could talk about friendships, a golden ratio or some way to keep them healthy and/or how to avoid burnout in a friendship. Thank you for putting up this great content, you bright my days w your knowledge
lol 18 seconds ago, and here I am, cos I'm trynna stay friends with my ex. We broke up a month ago, (still like him LOL)
I was just thinking about this today! I didn't stay friends with my ex. He has reached out many times over the years. He is married with children. I believe he's reaching out, not because he misses me or cares, but because he's curious or lonely. Regardless, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I never reply.
We tried staying friends for a while, but I never saw him that way. It felt like a downgrade. I can't be friends with someone I have been intimate with, just like I can't be intimate with my friends. It's a clear line that can't be crossed.
I didn't stay friends with my ex because I love myself more than him, and my feelings are more important than his.
Love this!
Damn Marie B, well said. 👏👏👏👏👏
Exactly.
@@Dreamingwithin By "intimate," I mean sexual relations.
@Marie B My sentiments exactly, yet people don’t understand this logic and tell me that I’m mean and in reference to my male friends people say well “just give it a try” but he is my friend and there are lines you just don’t cross!
My take? You can’t “stay” friends with an ex if you were never friends to begin with. Some couples really were friends before they started dating, so it’s possible that they can revert back to a friendship after a breakup and some time to cool down, but more than half of you had no genuine friendship with your partner before you started dating them. It is utter foolishness to think that you will be friends with them after a traumatic breakup when you were never even friends in the first place. It’s hard enough to build a good friendship when you’re starting from nothing; there’s no way you can build it from a foundation of disappointment or betrayal!
Unironically one of the best comments I've seen on RUclips
@@BotBruh448 agreed
This is an EXCELLENT point. I have a good friend that I'm still close to after we dated for over a year and then broke up, but we had been friends for more than two years before that, so it was more a matter of just slipping back to what we had before. It did take me a minute to properly get over my feelings (and I think that if she were ever to suggest a relationship again, I'd likely seriously consider it), but I ultimately really respect her for being willing to communicate the way she did, and it's reinforced the fact that we do really care about each other as people and friends. In some ways it's made our friendship stronger, because I can trust her to mean what she says and not just go along with things for my sake (something we've both had trouble with in the past, and one of many reasons we have such a strong mutual understanding).
👏👏👏
Thank you!
My predicament, because I love the person and want him to be happy but I can accept that we aren't romantically compatible. I miss him I dont miss the relationship
I am in a similar situation with my ex (he is in a relationship while I am working out things with myself before getting into another one) and I accept that we weren't really compatible to begin with, but we appreciate each other's insight and company :)) We have found a safe space in each other but I wouldn't want to get back with him and him with me as well :))
@@poddeeznuts ok see, I was starting to wonder if it was a bad thing but I originally saw it as "i appreciate you as a human/soul enough to not want to discard you like trash just because of my pride/ego."
@@jessicafernandez777 Exactly! There are times when losing contact with an ex is the best decision, especially if one wasn’t treated well and there wasn’t a friendship built during your time together. But if that isn’t the case, any relationship can be kept and maintained if the intentions are coming from love :)) there really isn’t a right or wrong way but whatever feels right with you and the other person :))
Relationship which takes on a different form as in friendship* is what i meant of course :))
The delusion in this thread is unreal 😂
Be aware that some of them could be narcissists as they need to have their harem garage of supply. Be aware of people who stay in touch with all of their exes and somehow never let go of them even when they are in a new relationship
The girl I may date soon had 3 exs and she's said that her past was bad but yet is close to one, two or all of her exs for idk what reason!
Is this a red flag to u? And why?
What shud I do abt it?
@@Vnp99 it sounds like she is about to make you a rebound. Since she had a bad relationship but can’t let go of him at the same time, goes to show that she might still be emotionally invested in her previous relationship. I would say have a talk with her. She isn’t a narcissist, she seems like she isn’t fully over her ex yet and that is the redflag
@@Ellejas now that you've said this, it makes sense and I think you're absolutely right. Thank you :)
Honestly, I had two and my first ex is one of my best friends, and the other one is still a very close friend. I wouldn't call myself a narcissist at all haha. Personally, I don't get into a relationship if the person is not a friend of mine or close first, and when the relationship is over is still value them as friends and want to get along well as friends.
@@marina816 absolutely, is not a general rule. This is why i suggested people to be careful out there. Is good to double check people’s motives all the time. Is a cold world
As someone who's still good friends with one of his exes to this day, I can assure you it's because it was a healthy relationship that just wasn't meant to be.
Same!
If they were truly, you should still be able to be good friends. It's the toxic ones you need to axe
Love the way you phrased this
Sounds like rubbish
If you stayed friends what does your new partner think of that? My boyfriend wanted to hang out with his ex and I wasn't willing to do that, why would I it's weird! Just a friendly chat is ok but not hanging out with them.
I don’t understand how some people stay in contact with an ex and switch to being their friend right away. How do you get over someone if you’re still talking all the time? I went through my first breakup very recently and we decided not to have any kind of contact for a while before considering a friendship.
Social currency, supply of dopamine, and mostly to see people as a means to an end.
@@kenseisato1989 by means to an end do you mean they want to keep them around as an option or get back with them eventually?
Because you're not necessarily talking all the time. For me, being friends with my (dickhead) ex simply means making music together; that was the best thing about our relationship anyway. If he continues the passive aggressive misgendering crap, though, I won't even be able to do that with him. To be honest, I was over the relationship before we split up -- not that I didn't realise how awful it was afterwards and cried a lot.
Like, there's no objective reason not to be friends just because you stopped fucking. A good reason not to be friends would be in the case of abuse (clearly, though, I am foolhardy and trying to love everyone, or something of the sort...)
@@BooksAndShitButNotLiterally I feel like it’s very hard to get over the romantic and emotional connection at least right after the breakup, especially if it wasn’t abusive. Friendship isn’t the same and I’d need time to grieve the loss. Didn’t do anything sexual anyways cause he’s waiting for marriage.
@@madelinevlogs5898 Everything is different for everybody. I did feel extremely sad after the breakup, because I had to realise that I'd clung to the relationship almost in a state of delusion, ignoring quite how bad the bad parts were. I had to realise that the first time I had made myself truly vulnerable in a relationship, it had been a mistake. Now that's a hit to the ol' pride! But I always knew there was that theme in our relationship -- he didn't believe in love, so he was going to remove my (nascent) belief. And I thought maybe he would feel my love if I loved him enough. No, it doesn't really work like that. Not at all.
I certainly couldn't immediately be pally with him. But I've been on good terms with all of my exes, bar one. It turns out there was an abusive element in all of those relationships, however, so maybe I was fooling myself. It's just.. how to put it. It's hard to truly condemn anyone. Part of me is paranoid; the other half counteracts it by being incredibly naiive.
I can't ever be friends with my exes,because I can never truly heal if they are still in my life.
Heal what tho? What if the relationship wasnt toxic? What is there to heal?
Maybe pain , disappointment or even healing from anger . Doesn’t always need to be toxic to heal from a failed relationship.
@@markdonkor5409 u delusional asf bro if the relationship was healthy why would it end?
@@rashaadbrown175 it's clear you don't know much. Some romantic relationships don't last because the people in the relationship aren't compatible with each other. Not all relationships are toxic and not all have to end in bad terms.
Mine failed bc of a lack of communication and having some different values at that point in time, too much was assumed, leading to misunderstandings and hurt. Easily avoidable and fixable, but she never wanted to work things out or try again, having misconceptions about me she won't let go of. All I can do is live my life, if she sees otherwise somehow, great, but I doubt it. The old saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is perfect here. I've tried.
Before knowing the reasons, you gotta separate them into groups: the one who dumped, the one who got dumped, mutual breakup, and external causes breakup.
Each group will have different reasons to stay friends with their ex. It's impossible to generalize all of them with the same mindset.
Breakups are never mutual.
@@henderickmitchell6941 I've had mutual breakups. Usually a friend you dated and both preferred the friendship.
Exactly. It definitely matters who broke up with whom and what they mean by staying friends if you want.
@@henderickmitchell6941
Yes, they can be
@@henderickmitchell6941 sometimes they can be
Main problem I see with staying friends with an ex is that it’s a stagnant connection. There can’t be any forward progress and you’re clinging to a past connection.
Maybe if were friends before relationship and have overlapping social circles would stay friends with an ex.
But if met with express intention of romance (esp through a dating app) is very hard to stay friends after relationship ends
It’s a no from me. 🥲 Someone is always holding on to hope. I wish them the best, maybe we could have a short cordial conversation if we bumped into each other(and I didn’t run the other way 🏃🏻♀️💨) but definitely not a ‘friendship’ scenario.
Great video Ana! Just a personal observation on Avoidant attachment types: they often want to stay friends with their exes because of guilt. It’s their peace offering for not showing up for you during the relationship.
Well I have an avoidance attachment style, my ex is anxious attachment. They wanted to remain friends and I didn't. All or nothing, not further rejection
This is me 100 goddamn percent I feel so guilty
OMG YESSSSSS!!!
@@fweshy274 agreeable avoidance attachment
I have avoidant attachment style and i have never wanted to stay friends with any of my exes
It’s not impossible to have a platonic relationship with an ex but I think it is rare especially if it was a long term serious relationship. I wouldnt be ok if my bf was close with an ex and vice versa with my bf. I just see it as, that person was in your past so leave em there. There’s really no point in holding onto em
C i don't think they have just be part of your past or be left there. If they are a good person then why toss them away. Idk it's different for everyone. If it is a mutually healthy friendship it can be a blessing.
@@llararulens8895 If they are a good person, it actually creates even more heartbreak. You are holding onto an enigma, never healthy
@@afifatanjeem2464 Some people are better off as friends and are capable of having a platonic friendship after break up - especially after long term. You get to know a person and find common interests. If they are a good person and you want to remain friends, then fine. Two good people won't increase heartbreak because they know they don't work romantically.
They could have kids and just want to do their best to coparent while exploring their new separate lives.
Yes and it interferes with the current relationship because it always makes you wonder if they’re having bad intentions with this person constantly. Or if the other party is trying to sway them to be romantically involved with them.
I can't do it personally. It either hurts deeply or no point at all
Staying friends with my ex was one of my biggest mistakes in navigating our breakup, it just brought me pain and got me taken advantage of. Know your worth everyone
I feel this can’t be understated.
They just want the benefits without the commitment. You are being demoted/devalued while they source “someone better”
I agree. Underrated comment
That's not true
In general maybe, but I’m not convinced it’s always the case
Yup, totally agree
most cases but probably not always, sometimes it's just honest loss of attraction/love, but everything else like emotional connection might still be there, however I think it's mostly a sad and depressing premise for those who got dumped, are still in love and accept the measly friends offer, while it's hard to come by any good stats on this, pretty much everything I've heard about this is that the chances of getting back with someone via friends route is next to done, but then again getting back in any other way is a very small chance anyway so it almost does not matter
My narcissist ex stayed friends with his ex's for supply and wanted to remain friends with me after he ghosted for several years. I refused and he bullied me for getting rid of all the toxicity out of my life, as if me being healthy and free of toxicity was an attack on him, when in fact, I was protecting myself so that I could heal from all of the abuse.
Yikes, I have a feeling my ex is gonna try doing the same thing. Good on you. Keep him out!
I was just going to say this!!! There are a ton of videos on narcissistic abuse and they stay friends with their ex. So sorry but i'd say because of that don't stay friends.
That's good u took toxic people out of ur life
I dated someone who was close friends with his ex and it was a terrible experience. I tried to be understanding and I kept giving him chances against my better judgement. It was a big mistake and I would never date someone with that arrangement again. When I would raise concerns about some of the things his ex was doing like baking him desserts and making him dinner he would call me "jealous" and "insecure." What makes someone jealous of an ex exactly? Are you saying your CURRENT bf/gf is jealous of what a strong relationship you have with your ex? Your relationship with your ex is supposed to be finished in order for you to even be in a new relationship to begin with. The whole concept of being close friends with your ex while you're dating someone else just boggles my mind but people will do it. I eventually had to accept the fact that their relationship, regardless of how they labeled it a "friendship," was the primary relationship. Whereas I was the secondary relationship. So I walked away. He let me leave too, which further indicated how attached he was to his ex. You have to know your boundaries early or you'll get taken for a ride and hurt like me 😔
I have never stayed friends with my exes. Once it's over, it's over and my feelings for them die within a few weeks. Honestly, once the relationship dies, why carry around the corpse? Bury it and move on.
I totally agree. Go through the death of the relationship. Heal and move on!
Right? It’s ok to be civil around your ex if you run into them and y’all resolved the end of the relationship, but to be friends? Respect the dead, grieve, and move on
Yeah but don't you care about them? We have limited time on Earth and I can't imagine just spending it separately from someone who is like family, who's company I enjoy and who I really care about (I care about if he's well and if he's happy). I can't imagine how people don't stay best friends after a break up, I would still want to share everything with my ex and talk every day.
@@nonono777 When I said my feelings for them die, I wasn't joking. After the breakup, my now ex doesn't mean anything more than some random person I encounter on the street. When I give my heart to someone and she accepts it as her own, that's an emotional point of no return. It becomes an all or nothing deal. If we break up, then the "all" is over and the only thing left is the "nothing", which is exactly what there is between my ex and I. It might seem cold, but survival takes top priority and survival isn't always nice.
I don’t communicate with any ex at all.
I don’t like when my current partner is friends with their ex unless they were already friends before we met. Even then I don’t like it.
not to dig into it but there may be some trust issues or jealousy. If you are confident in your relationship you should be fine with him still keeping in touch as long as it is not non stop talking and over the top. Many times people realise they don't have a romantic future together but this doesn't mean they can't genuinely be friends. If this is how you do, it doesn't mean this is how your partner should do it too.
@@marina816 you’re absolutely right. I have a dear guy friend and he has a gf now and I would be devastated if we couldn’t be friends bc of it. I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting her either. He wouldn’t not allow it but I don’t get invited to things she’s going to attend. But I think she knows we hang out. That’s fine. Also I feel like if I made a move on him he wouldn’t decline. That’s just a shitty assumption, and I won’t test it.
The truth is, I am very possessive. I have also had many men who are attached make advances towards me. So of course that doesn’t make me trust men as a whole.
but what he saying its not nessary to have an ex as a friend or still contacting them if the relationship was over but ur right if thier only friends u can put trust in bf gf whoever they are to u still being friends with ex its a reason to still contact them if there kids involve depends on age but nothing more just to help them with the kids yeah it depends on thier situation with kids is why they still might contact eacother only for the kids nothing more they current partner should trust bf or gd if no cheating involve
I agree but all u have to do is have trust in ur partner u cant control what ur significant other does but all u can do is communicate/express ur feelings and if it doesnt work then it doesn't work out if it does then ur relationship works out
@@riricarter8050 it sounds like things are not fully platonic but are romantic as well (even if its not sexual it could be romantic)
Got into a relationship with my best friend.
We lasted almost 3 years and recently broke up but we’re still living together.
It’s very sad, and there’s only so much we can do to comfort each other. It doesn’t help that we were pretty dependent on one another for the most part. I don’t want to get back together, and I don’t regret what happened, but I do find myself asking why Is It that we need to go through all of this grief in order to grow?
I miss my friend.
I lived with my ex for two months after breaking up and it was pure torture...
Hopefully you find what you need from the situation
To each their own, but I could never remain friends with an ex. I could be friendly , but not friends. Remaining friends makes me feel like I'm the backup plan or break glass in case of emergency guy.
if my bf is friends with his ex he gotta go i’m not gonna tell him who he can and can’t be friends with but i’m not gonna deal with that , there’s no man i’d trust enough with another woman especially not a woman you used to be involved with and for some reason can’t let go
Nothing more disrespectful to your current partner than being friends with your ex. Disgusting. Instant dealbreaker
Sounds like u r the problem
@@sheezy2526I agree with them . I have a no ex rule. Can be pleasant if you pass on street . But no tx or socialising.
Loving the Morticia Addams vibes you are serving in this video Ana!
No shade to people who do, but I could never stay friends with an ex. I guess this could be because I’m most likely an avoidant attachment style, but I always thought it was due to being highly emotional. I’ve had a couple breakups that were very mature and I don’t harbor any negative feelings towards these former partners, but I haven’t talked to either of these people in years and I could never maintain a friendship with them. It would bring up too many emotions and feel like I’m trying to go back to the past
I think it just depends what happened in the relationship, which person broke up first, and if u were close with any of ur exs
Or maybe you're just being mature and accepting that the relationship is over?
@@amuhinamori7082 well she cheated on me, I didnt find out until she left
I can see how you might periodically stay in touch, but I don’t see how a true nurturing friendship could continue because you need to move on and focus on other people. You can’t really move on to someone else if you keep falling back on the ex for a connection.
For me it's simple. Sexuality is detachable. Sometimes you find an amazing emotional bond with a partner, and when you break up, all you are saying is "I no longer want to have babies and grow old with you", that could be caused by a number of reason not related to your chemistry, emotional compatibility, etc. If you find a solid relationship with somebody you no longer want to team up with, as long as your both able to emotionally handle it, why ghost each other? makes no sense.
obviously that is not the problem...
Nope lol
I agree. But I think it could be holding you back from moving forward in life, and it's very hard for jealousy not to appear sometimes. It invites mixed feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, attachment, attraction, etc... and all this confusion is not healthy, sometimes hard to rationalise it.
so, this is it? it's all about loving people then dumping them into the garbage just because it didn't work out? i think we cut loose the ones who makes us real bad, the partners that actually are not worthy of keeping around, but most of our partners are people that in some point deserve our trust, we choose them for some reason, now, if you only have terrible partners to remember and all you wanna do is pretend they never existed well, thay may say more about you and the way you choose poeple in you life, and if you can't manage things like romantic feelings and jealousy that's a different story, that's up to you and the development of your ego. mature and well developed persons should come easy with frindship, even more if it is with a person that you had such an intimacy and trust.
Wow, I just saw the title and wouldn’t have expected that based on all the stories I hear from people I know about their exes!!
my ex contacted me 2 days ago wanted to be friends. he tried being friends before but i wasn't ok with it and i don't think he'll ever get that i will never be ok w it because he's a selfish, man-child. i can't hold on to people that make me feel bad. that just slows down the spiritual path i've chosen for myself. lame.
Summed it up for me.
I'm still friends with a few girls I dated. Only the ones that didn't do me wrong. And we ended it on good terms. The ones that were toxic, (cheating narcissistic etc) didn't bother keeping them in my life. Tried to but knew it wasn't going to work with them being so toxic. But of course when I am dating again I don't tend to talk to my exes at all. Unless they message me, they are respectful if I'm in a relationship or dating and so do I if their in a relationship. Wish everyone you came across knew what respect is.
Thank you. I needed this. Respectfulnesses and being a good person helps my own well being.
Forget the study. Everybody knows what the game is. If they’re keeping their ex (backup plan) around, do not hang around. If they bring one back in to their life, do not hang around. However you figure it out, always draw the line. Not only is it far easier to have sex with someone you have previously, there is emotional attachment from one, the other or both. They will lie to you, they will lie to themselves that it’s nothing. Ask yourself how they see you when they’re willing to knowingly put themselves in that situation when they’re with you.
I am friends with (most) of my exes because they are cool people. A lot of people seem to believe they have to hate their exes.
No, most healthy people do not believe that you need to hate your exes. Many healthy people may even feel many positive emotions for an ex-partner, for example, admiration or tenderness for the good things that they shared as a couple. But they are also mature enough to understand that having these emotions - which are perfectly normal - does not mean that it is wise or necessary to hang on to that same ex-lover once the relationship is over. They know that hanging onto the past may well keep them from fully moving forward into the future. they also realize that maintaining a bond with an ex-lover is unfair on and disrespectful to any future partner that they may have, not to mention their ex-lover's new partner, and is very likely to cause problems in a new relationship. So, yes, no matter how 'cool' that person is, they bite the bullet and move on...
@@suzy1750 your first sentence says "no, most HEALTHY people do not believe you have to hate your exes" and I never mentioned healthiness at all which completely changes the meaning of the sentence. I had to check to see if you were actually responding to me because it seems so unrelated. I hope you see what I mean.
@@CDLatin No, I don't see what you mean - my response was on point. I'm not sure what you are confused about to be honest. But if you still think the response is 'unrelated' let me put it this way - people who are emotionally healthy do not believe that you need to hate an ex - hating people in general is not healthy unless they are truly awful people. Emotionally healthy people simply understand that remaining involved with ex-lovers will often prevent them from moving on quickly and definitely be unfair on future partners as well as detrimental to future relationships. I hope that makes it more clear? Either way, it doesn't matter, I really can't make it any more clear. :) Be well.
again. I never mentioned anything about people being healthy.
Just because you cut them off or just keep it cordial. Doesn't mean you hate them. The chapter is closed move on! Yall just cowardly lol!
My ex is my best friend. We grew apart after a few years in the relationship sense, we wanted different things from life! But we still had a lot in common, and had built an unshakeable friendship over the time of our relationship. I'm amazed looking through the comments at how black and white some people see things. Why would you be with a partner you don't trust? What is it that you're insecure about exactly? It's entirely possible for 2 adults who had been involved romantically in the past to be JUST friends. Not everybody lives their life based on past experiences/emotions. Things are always changing and we all grow in different ways throughout the course of our life.
This is one the most emotionally mature comments here. I've seen many people maintain healthy and beneficial relationships with exes. Breakups aren't always catastrophic, sometimes the reason was two people started to feel more like friends than romantic partners anyway. A lot of people in the comments aren't seeing past their own experiences and insecurities. "It didn't work out for me, that makes means it won't work out for anyone."
@@GodIsMyEverythingNow everybody is different! It's okay.
I'm amazed at how naive you are. You must be young.
Those of us who are calm, secure, stoic can tolerate partners having contact with ex partners and have friendships with exs. I'm in my mid thirties and I aint got time to tilt at windmills@@SKBottom
I like the way you emphasize that you are under no obligation to stay friends with someone after a breakup - or even to accept that you're going to be friends as a pretense. I vividly remember the first time I got the 'friends' talk. I was a senior in high school, and I asked a girl to the prom. She initially said yes, and then a week later - you guessed it - someone else asked her and she ditched me. And of course she bookended the whole thing with a promise that we were going to be wonderful friends for life, and that was pretty much the last time she ever talked to me. Okay, so she was probably about 17, and hardly the first or the last teenage girl to ditch a prom date, and hardly the first or the last to use the 'friends' talk as a way to make herself feel better under the pretense that it was really supposed to make the guy she just casually torpedoed feel better. I can cut her some slack. Further, years later I came to understand that you really can't control whether you're interested in dating someone - I have in fact had girls who expressed feelings for me I didn't have for them. Thing is, though, I never, ever use the 'friends' talk. It's just a lame cop-out, and no one ever says it for any other reason than to make themselves feel better. If you're breaking up with someone, or even just telling someone you don't feel 'that way' about them - do both yourself and the person you're giving the news to a favor and don't ever hit them up with the 'friends' talk. And if someone ever tries to use it on you - just smile and walk away. Believe me, you're not walking away from much.
I'm a gay male and I definitely see a lot of us do stay friends more often. It was interesting to hear you point it out.
Any theories as to why that is?
@@bec.des3 networking? Support?
I’m bisexual and dated a girl for 3 months, it ended because I wasn’t in such a great head space. .
I recently got close to the LGBTQ community and realized a lot of them stay friends, maybe it’s the unity of it? Think
It may also have to do with the contained community aspect. In many towns GLTB don't have as many social options as do the larger community and and the frequency of chance encounters is higher. Just my guess.
3:33 as a bisexual person when I break up with other people it had more to do with the fact we were friends BEFORE we dated. That’s how a lot of queer / same sex relationships start. You become friends first realize that you don’t just have platonic feelings for one another and then date. It’s not the same for all queer people but with the majority I’ve dated and met that’s how it goes. So that’s why it’s important to keep the friendship after the breakup. Hope this helps!
yes omg fellow queer person watching this video much later after it came out you are making me feel SEEN a lot of this made me so sad for cishet people tbh
I don't see any problem with being friends with an ex, but I think it's only possible if enough time has passed after the breakup
I think it's fine if a couple years have passed. But being friends right after breaking up will definitely end badly because feelings take a while to fade away
My ex reached out behind his gf"s back over the years(2015-17 and then again 2019-to now), I eventually got fed up coz he was pushing to see me/sleep with me and I had said I wasn't interested in him or being friends only open to some communication coz of covid (thought it was a hars tike for everyone) but kong story short, he was being a sleeze so I ended up fowarding his gf all the messages he sent me. He even sent me stuff like "is your bf as good as me in bed?" And wanting to know about my sex life - well I'm doing someone else, hakuna Matataa!
Nasty guy. Good riddance!
I actually stayed friends with my last partner, but we decided not to have contact anymore. She was the perfect match at that time, but at one point our staying together as a couple would just hinder each of us in our development and our goals, due to us being at completely different stages of our lifes. We could not just go back and play best friend after being so close and intimate with each other. And even though that I wish for her to find someone who's even way better than me, I guess I could not bear witnessing her with someone else while being her friend. So we each went our own paths, but still hold each other and our friendship dear into our hearts. I know if I ever need anything I could contact her and she would be there for me, as I am there for her.
Relationships are just short term experiences these days anyways. Lifelong relationships are history.
He’s not even my ex. We just can’t be a couple.
Anyway we have no contact now. I still strived to stay friends and we were good friends in the beginning. Also I didn’t really mind him falling for someone else. Yet after a while I started to understand why it’s better to be strangers, Like how he avoided me after realizing we weren’t meant for each other.
If You love a person , for some reasons you separate, the attachments will linger. When one feel lonely, people are likely to seek some memories back. People can hardly strike a balance.
Like you have sweet dreams, but the sweetness for now will leave you ponder why just staying sober seems to be so tough.
There’s nothing wrong with the recollections. In reality, we aren’t allowed to ask for more, which is unacceptable sometimes. We just can’t put rewind.
Staying away from loved people we can’t be with is painful; nevertheless, in the grand scheme of things, it’s healthier.
Seems like I'm in the minority on this one but I've stayed friends with both of my exes (1.5 years in high school, 4.5 years in uni + domestic together). The second breakup was definitely the most painful, and we had the unusual situation of living together for 3 months post-breakup, but we now have a really strong friendship. I'm in a new relationship and my new partner is also friends with his ex. Seems to be more common with LGBT people, as was pointed out in the study.
I could not stay friends with exes. Imagine them flashing their new guy before me, and that I have to act as if nothing ever happened between me and the ex. That's narcissistic triangulation and I don't want anything to do with that.
Staying friends with an ex is usually a bad sign for your current partner. Either you haven't moved on or you weren't that much invested in your previous relationship, which means you likely won't be invested in this one either. There are probably some exceptions, but as a general rule it's bad.