CRACKING THE CODE: 15 Eye-opening Truths About Toxic Family Disapproval
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- Опубликовано: 16 июл 2024
- Being disliked within your toxic family can have a tramendous impact on your identiy and self-esteem.
No one ever wants to think that a family relationship can consist of dislike or "hatred" because of the blood you share with that family member.
But the reality is that toxic family relationships or family by blood do not always fit neatly into the fantasized picture frame society has promoted of family for many centuries.
Unhealthy, dysfunctional, toxic, and evil family relationships can leave you with years worth of shame, doubt, and feelings of defeat.
In this live chat, I tease appart this concept.
*****TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS VIDEO
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#trauma #tamarahilllpc #toxicfamily
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
0:00 intro
6:48 the self-fulfilling prophecy ("self-gaslighting")
10:03 the in-group and the out-group
12:58 projection within the family dynamic
22:27 why you seem to seek out toxic relationships (viewer question)
27:17 ACTIVATED PARTS OF THE BRAIN IN DISLIKE (amygdala & hippocampus)
32:38 FMRI and the science of dislike
45:31 WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE DISLIKED/REJECTED
Q&A in-between the discussion
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Mentioned In The Video:
1. The Journal of Neuropsychology: A Brain Mechanism for Hate
neuro.psychiatryonline.org/do...
2. The Psy The Psychology of Hate: Mor chology of Hate: Moral Concerns Diff al Concerns Differentiate Hate fr entiate Hate from
Dislike scholarworks.smith.edu/cgi/vi...
3. The Dark Side of Close Relationships books.google.com/books?hl=en&...
4. What is a self-fulfilling prophecy www.verywellmind.com/what-is-...
5. In-group and out-group theory socialsci.libretexts.org/Book....
6. BOOK: The psychology of hate www.apa.org/pubs/books/4318017
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 14 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
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PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
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Hang tight guys for the very lively chat box! RUclips will make it available to you in 12hrs
Having a successful life and flourishing in spite of is a reason for family dislike too.
It seems whenever they go through a tough time, we are there for them on every level. They obligate us to that, too. They hold high standards on us for the level of caretaking we should provide to them. On the flip side, whenever we go through a tough time, they treat us like we are a despicable human being. We usually get ostracized from the group simultaneously in the face of adversity.
That’s scary it effects us neurologically…it’s creepy. Can they just give us money for all those years of abuse/hate
all the destroyed opportunities, the decades of loneliness and suffering, the physical and mental cruelty and crushing injuries of being made vulnerable to other monsters but in relationship form? what amount of money would be enough for all that?
I’m a 30 year old female, about to graduate medical school and feel like a waste of life because of how my family failed me in life in so many aspects. I don’t know how to get out of the victim mindset
well done you , happened to me too , first one who went to University and my family hated me for it ?! I just told myself that I am not the problem , they are !
Hi, I have a toxic family and I'm still recovering/healing from it all, by finding my primary inner self and this really helped me thank you.
Wonderful! That's great. It's truly just one step at a time to find peace of mind.
And you're welcome!
I’ve notice I developed a bit of both dependency and defensive independence at the same time
This channel is such a gold mine. Tamara has a heart of gold- its healing just to hang out here!
Thank you 😊 🤗🙏 So glad you like to be on the channel. Me too!!
It all makes sense at 63. Thank you!
You're welcome :)
My fam treated me & my children like dirt. I went very little contact over 3 decades ago. I don't believe I'll ever trust them again. I refuse to waste holidays with them. One of my sisters is very ill. My husband & I drove for 2 days to see about her. I didn't really feel welcomed, but I did what I believe The LORD would have me to do. We've sent her money & haven't got any thank u or anything. I guess she's used the money. I'm learning to not bother ungrateful ppl anymore! I feel like my fam pretend to be kind to me now only so they can break me down like they did many yrs ago. They need to realize no one can curse what GOD has Blessed! I'm not sure if anyone has heard a song by Chrisett Michelle. The name is Blame it on me. She said as long as it's over u can blame her. That's the way I feel!!!
Cognitive restruction is a great strategy to overcome this behavior of dislike! Awesome solution!
I'm the black sheep of my family. I actually experienced family disown me without explanation by sister n laws?? I've tried asking why they dislike me but would never respond. Being a person with low self esteem and people pleaser in the family I've always been the one to go out of my way to try and solve problems. Now I've walked away from toxic family members that dislike me and I've become to realize it's not worth my mental health and physical health to be around them. Narcissist abuse I've experienced in my life by my two ex husbands. Such a great subject for me to understand about how my own trauma can affect what I've felt about myself.
I have been disliked since a child .. neighbors and family
Defensive independent could be food, alcohol, drugs. Toxic troublemakers, suicide attempts, self flageration!
This is such an important topic! My father called me an average intelligent person. My Bachelor was ok but when I did my Masters his voice become my self-fulfilling prophency. I have always performed as average because of his beliefs.
I disconnected from my family but now they are coming after me. Wish there would be a way out.
I've had that, from a cousin, we used to go out most weekends, but they got, very hateful, insulting, belittling. & gaslighting. even in front of family and their friends.😢 But they go quite, say absolutely nothing, I didn't react to none of it, We are older women, got this got told by my cousin (projection) That I hate them, but I don't know where they got that from?? I believe they loved me. 😪 now I have to distance myself. Its devastated me so much!! *When I know I done nothing Wrong* They hate for no reason? I Tried to talk to her, but it was not getting resolved. So I simply silently distancing. But its dragged me down a bit.
That’s nuts about the grades… so lucky for that young person he got into therapy with you and the parents there too.
Relating to the beginning of their dislike, as an adult i got a partial answer from an intervening uncle. They disliked my personality since i was "out of their control". Being tossed to the side while the other side of the family came down to physical assault on an 11yo and rape attempt. I guess my cries for help were taken as a sign of weakness and they couldnt handle it, so they did what they knew - portraying me as a histrionic child craving attention and as such blatantly ignored and left behind. The hate i reserve them is all ive ever known.
Many of us have a negative disposition from our emotional trauma. Keep working on yourselves everybody ❤ Hey Tamara 🙋Introducing us is how you run your channel. The person who commented needed a video that gets right to what the headline says. They're already in a bad space. Complaining made them feel better. I've actually done it before. I didn't comment, but I expected something which isn't in my control. That's on me. Ty for helping us 💜
Thank you for this! I agree that working on yourself is the road to healing and a stronger mindset. And thank you for your comment towards me. I think you are right about that!
And your'e welcome. Thank you!
Narcissists try to mess with your sleep because it wears you down, and when you're worn down you're more susceptible to their programming and control. Narcissistic associates who call me on the phone at 3 a.m. to just chat and it's not an emergency get one or two warnings, and then after that I block their phone access and leave them email access only so that I can sleep when I need to. I don't mind being awoken in a TRUE emergency, but "I'm in the hospital and have been for two days now while they run tests," is NOT an emergency whereas "My Dad just died and I'm unable to function," is.
Parents brag about our achievements to boast their own ego’s Carol N.I.
my sisters have pushed me into the 'out' group , they go on nights out together, holidays together and they look at me sometimes as if to say 'who are you'? 😮
im haveing no problem with family. my problem is friends all disappeared and dirty looks from strangers, all of them
I'm sorry. This is always a difficult experience.😔
I've always noticed the drive to excel academically is very strong among lots of Nigerians that I've met, for many years I thought they were individually driven before I learned of the pressure that came from their parents.
Thanks for touching on this subject, as was mentioned about colour. My maternal grandmother only liked the lighter complexion grand children.
You're welcome!
I feel this chat has saved me from another trash can
_ Big Thanks
You have no idea how you are helping me, Tamara.
Everytime I connect to your videos, it's like I'm constantly healing the very young version of me while peacefully blooming in my adulthood.
Thank you so much.
❤You're welcome!! I'm so glad you are feeling this way. That's great!
Yes! Please discuss trauma memories. It’s needed!
God lead me to this channel you break everything down so clearly and it is helping me so much!!
Thanks so much!! God bless you 😊
Thank you Tamara for sharing. These things are having a bigger impact on me as I age and learn more. It’s pretty scary. Frozen.
Thank you for allowing me to join this group
Absolutely! Glad to have you.
Thank you. I appreciate the truth on recognition
You're welcome.
Thanks!
Thank you for the superchat 🥰 And you're welcome!
Tamara needed to hear this thank you.❤
This is what I needed. You're topics hit home.
Thank you for this message my sister yes you right
😊You're welcome
Love your content very insightful
Thank you!! Glad this is helpful. :)
Tamara getchya a small dry erase white board and markers for live chat demonstration quick notes. 😊
🤣great idea!! thank you. I certainly will!
❤very nice speaker very understandable my second time
Thank you! 😃
Thank you 😊 this helps a lot 🙏🏽 ❤
You're welcome 😊
Very informative! 🎉
Glad it was helpful!
Would love an episode on psychosis!
It's certainly on the list!! Stay tuned.
Hello and thank you. I’m watching later.
So helpful and as usual lovely, warm, delivery of good information.
Thank you 😊 💖 So glad this is helpful!
💗
I came from a child hating culture. It is a long and ugly story...suffice to say I had a tragic life. I was not able to love my two sons who hate me and want nothing to do with me. They're now in their 50s, I'm in my 70s. The situation is irreconcilable 😢
Sorry to hear this. Sending healing energy out into the RUclipsverse.
Hi Tamara, you look so cute tonight. I would love to hear about traumatic experiences or even flashbacks. Thank you for your comprehensive shows and the love you give so freely every live. You are the best ❤️
❤🤗😇Thank you!! And you're welcome. It truly is my pleasure.
That new topic is coming up soon!
Hello Tamara, thank you for the video. I found the racial issues you slightly touched on interesting. I have always felt like AA have inherited trauma but society has rejected them. It got me wondering how that could be treated through group therapy as it is widespread.
Group therapy is not as effective with this particular group. I have seen how it works for other groups, however. In fact, watching the social dynamics of AA's is key. You realize that only one or two people dominate the group and can easily derail the group far away from the topic/subject. If church is any example, the group can easily be held emotionally hostage for hours by one loud voice. Because appearances and perception management are very important, people would rather sit and squirm than to do something perceived as rude or offensive since ostracism and public shaming are common cultural behaviors used to assert dominance and control. This is especially true among women.
Personally, I don't speak much in AA groups unless the group is all or overwhelmingly male. I am more concerned about disapproval among other women. Even among fellow nerdy girls, whom I encountered in college, I didn't feel like I fit in although I did feel safe and comfortable around them, which helped. I could better relate 1 on 1, when we could discuss mutual interests. I don't watch a lot of the shows or movies that bind groups. I don't have their shopping experiences either. As a rule, I don't like to waste time discussing superficial things with others unless it's courteous banter in the commission of business. I can spend hours reading and commenting on social boards, but I prefer not to do so in person. I value experiences through which I can learn from the group and contribute to information sharing or glean from others' wisdom.
I'm highly analytical (ok, overly analytical), and I have studied people and group dynamics via people-watching and reading. One thing I have noticed is that my opinion of people and ideas are usually divergent from the group initially. However, as time reveals all, people's perceptions change to align with mine. I've learned to be quiet and allow people to grow and learn by themselves. Most AA women do not value know-it-all's. 😂 Actually, as an Aspie, I've had to conduct character studies; otherwise, I wouldn't know or understand social norms.
Put it this way: I used to think it was fun to read phone books. I loved encyclopedias, and I liked reading dictionaries as a child. Most women (of any background) would call this "weird" or "odd." Some would go so far as to use pejoratives, like "crazy." Of course, when people want information, and they don't want to find it for themselves, guess whom they come to for instant reference? Yup, the human phone book. 😅 That's my time to shine. Otherwise, I'm generally clueless in groups, so I just quietly conduct "people studies." Who said what to whom on the Real Housewives? I don't even know whom these chicks are, and don't ask me if I know the spouses. Basketball player? 🧐If it isn't a mega star, like Jordan or Shaq, I've probably never heard of 'em and wouldn't have any interest even if I did know of the person. 🤷🏽♀️
#selfgaslighting🤯😪
in the usa they will put chronic ptsd
Geez .. I feel rejected
Sorry for the added comments you always mention the adults being narcissistic but today's time it's the kids towards their parents I am not a narcissist but I can sure see it in my kids
Yes. Good point.
I do have on my topic list to talk about unhealthy and dysfunctional siblings (again) and adult children of parents who struggle to identify personality disorders in their adult children. So it's coming up this year.
I just got diagnosis of did 1:52
I'm so sorry. I was trying to get to your comment but sometimes there's so much coming at me during those live chats, I can't keep up.
I'm sorry you have had to experience DID. It's rough but not impossible to heal from. I do have a video on the channel about DID. Hopefully you have been able to view it. And hopefully you are doing well.
How long does it take to cure cptsd?
what if you can't take a break because they are in diret contact with your child/ren
Sorry Tamara I will not comment in the lives just out of respect you got way too much going on maybe I'm wrong but concentrating on the subject is key 🗝️🔐❤ for you
#I AM A PSTD RECOVERER😊
my narc spouse attempted a daily at 9pm he’d start afight ….
Do you take on new clients on a one to one basis
T'amara, are there anymore alphabets left to put after your name?😊❤
🙈🙉🙊😁
Spirituality is about the mental and emotional plane.
Your thoughts. Your feelings. They exist. They are not physical. But they are real. These are all spiritual attacks.
By spiritual demons in the form
Of your family Ofcourse.
Hope the atheists get that part
It's so hard for atheists and agnostics, sometimes, to grasp this. The cloud of doubt, fear, denial, and confusion over the physical world (and real experiences) all collide. It's not a full picture for them. We have to hope/pray they can hear this.
Love your advice. Work on yourself and see yourself in a better light. Take the pain and alchemy it to a better you. Love your content. 🫶🏻
Thank you so much!! I'm glad this is helpful. ☺
I appreciate you Tamara and the Tam Fam. ❤ I don’t know what I would have done without you over the past 6 months and over the holidays of going no contact with family, to very low to no contact with mom. I changed my screen name to “Sheprays,” because I proudly pray multiple times a day and thank God for leading me through this tough season of life. 🙏🏼 I’m the one with the gang of Aunts who don’t like me, but it’s not just them, the narrative about who they think I am has also trickled throughout the family. Mom not only helped to create this narrative, she plays dumb and acts like she doesn’t understand her role in all of this. They know I hold family secrets and better to call me crazy than wait for me to speak truth throughout the family. Disgusting and disturbing. 🥲 Tired of being chronically ill from family toxicity. Even from 1100 miles away.
My dad "punishes" me all the time and it has _ruined_ my life, I hate him now, and never really did before. I have him blocked. His advice is not helpful and neither is his "help" when he doesn't listen and "helps" the way _he_ wants to help. It's gotten me injured (permanently, like somewhat crippled), and has detrimental effects on my life and left me lonely and very angry (but somehow this is "my" fault). Abusive mom and dad here.