Nothing works on a narcissist because they aren’t interested in mutual respect or consideration. The only thing that works is going no contact which is in fact a boundary.
I literally just asked someone I know a question today and they answered back very rude and passive aggressive and dismissive. I called them out on it and their response was "well your question and your demeanor were rude so I was rude." ......all I did was ask you a question, friend 😂
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your comment. My mom (narcissist), hasn’t talked to me for three years now. Each and every single day I think about her and ask myself « how to make it right » while protecting and taking care of myself. As my therapist said : you can’t expect having a healthy relationship with someone who is not healthy. 🙏🏻😌 Kindness from France 🫶🏻
Boundaries also equates to saying "stop and no," and sometimes, people cannot "stand up and leave." Sometimes, people don't have an option to stop abuse because abusers have zero accountability, and they cannot leave. This video is manipulative, and it's ridiculous people sit here explaining how to "set boundaries."
@@patricehoward9831I think you misunderstood the point of this video. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings about this, because there are sometimes extreme situations. This video is more about explaining what a boundary is, it doesn’t offer a solution that will always work.
Boundaries are a way of Preserving your Self Love, Self Respect, and Your Personal Standards of Interaction and Values That You Come into Any/Every Relationship With.
Yeah, I got trapped in a house with someone else's narcissist for a couple of years. He hated me so much, because I've turned boundary enforcement into an art form. Because I always mean what I say. "You need to watch how you speak to me or you'll be doing this without me." And I have zero trouble stopping mid project and doing something else. I think not being ego-driven makes it much easier. Do I look silly? Could someone misunderstand my motivation here? Possibly, but I don't care.
@@E-plunksna That's fine. I probably am crazy. So? There's eight billion people in the world; I can live without anyone who falls for such obvious nonsense.
Omg, when u said “ Because I always mean what I say”……… I feel like dealing with my narcissist emotional abuser, for a literal life time now, I have had to be very careful about what I say, I can’t even speak freely and have fun with some silly things or some jokes I can’t even say and be slightly emotional myself because he’s always the highly emotionally unstable one that can go off at any moment or misinterpret what I say because they’re being emotional in their response to what im saying. Soo I have then been “trained” I guess u can say, to make sure I always say what I mean to not say anything that he can misinterpret as an attack, cus he does that a lot, even when I am saying everything I mean he can easily be offended by anything even when I’m being very sensitive to his emotional fragility. He’s still very mean when we have conversations that other ppl also have in our situation, and he doesn’t get that. Or probably doesn’t want too. He wants to live life on his own terms, but that affects other ppl and he doesn’t get that the way he lives doesn’t work when ur affecting other ppl. Oh well. I’m still trapped with this said individual, but I will be getting out not soon enough. lol Pray for me 🙏🏼. But yeah I’ve been distancing myself as well, and I try to not talk to him, as much as possible, cus literally a lot of random things can be then turned into a hostile environment moment for him. Smh
They'll steam roll all over them anyway, especially if they're in a position of authority/parent etc. We can quit our job, get out from under the roof of an unpleasant, disrespectful and mean husband, but a child can't run away from home or stand up to a narcissistic parent / step - parent
Yes like my mom didn’t want me to go in her room and she lock it but it’s ok for her to go in my room when I’m not home and I pay her $350 for rent I told Don’t come in my room and she said I can come in your room cause I’m the one that’s paying the mortgage but I’m helping her out with bills I’m so glad I left
The most common reaction with these types, even when having a "reasonable question is the answer NO. If that fails, mid sentence they will completely try and steer you to a total other unrelated topic. If that fails. prepare for gaslighting. Focus on what they accuse you about. It is EXACTLY what they are doing.....to you!.
I've stopped caring about being "the bad guy". I will set the boundaries I need to be healthy, and it's not my job to teach grown adults how to cope with disappointment and frustration - I'm not your unpaid therapist. I'm responsible for my health, happiness, and feelings, not anyone else's.
I'm dealing with a narcissistic alcoholic neighbor. When he's sober & on the right meds, he's a great friend & fun to be around. He has PTSD (& physical injuries from war), and I've helped him get through some hard times. Kept my distance so he wouldn't get the wrong impression, but when he relapses (& sui¢!@| at times) he reaches out to me. I've set boundaries (like no calls in wee hours) that he disrespects over & over again. As if he's obsessed with me or I'm his 24/7 therapist! Then when sober & in a better mindset he apologizes. Like the boy who cried wolf! The guilt trips & drama when I need space/peace is exhausting! 🤯
Freaking EXACTLY! I go to therapy for MY health, not to manage a narcissist's resistance to taking themselves to a therapist. Lash out all you want, it's your problem, narcs.
Sometimes boundaries with a narcissist look like 40,000 in legal fees and a court order mandating that all communication be through a monitored parenting app and strict schedule that limits contact. Even though it came at a high price, the lightness I feel no longer getting long unwanted texts from him full of gaslighting, coercion, and manipulation makes it well worth it. It’s freedom.
This reminds me of a saying: You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Choosing how to react instead of asking others to change works not only works with narcissists but with everyone, people tend to see their own interests as more important and just ignore the request for rules of communication - don’t let them walk all over you.
I chose not to respond to a lot of the times I was dissed and at times attempted to respectfully request that they not talk to me that way. And to remind them how I’ve accommodated all their boundaries and demands for so many things and constant assurances… asking for some courtesy and reciprocity… but, it got to the point where this person who could never be ‘inconvenienced’ to spend time with me… was just this person who constantly questioned my integrity, three times a week over the phone, but I was alone dealing with life by myself. And it just got more and more frequent, not better… if I ignored it, they interpreted it as they were behaving just fine… if I mentioned that I’d like to be treated a different way, they pointed out stuff that was wrong with me… most of it not even applicable. Finally i said, let’s spend the day together tommorrow, and i got ‘I don’t know what you’re doing and you never want to talk about money’ (regardless of the fact that I was extremely communicative about what I was always doing and we were just literally talking about money when he got impatient and said he needs to go to bed’. … if you ignore their constant wtf and occasionally ask for something different … and hoping to show them you can be trusted, by catering to their demands… they just double down on psycho. But, if you have some legal bond (coworker, con parent, marriage, biz partner, immediate fam, etc)… yes, put up with some stuff. I guess.
One evening, my ex told me to F off, so I politely and respectfully said - Thank you and Good night - i walked through the door and I've never looked back 🙏✨️❤️
You'll always be the bad person for someone in the world, but also the good person for a lot of others. You've met one, now let them be and keep going with your boundaries.
@@mday3821 This! There WILL be revenge. Most narcissists never let their victim get away with setting a boundary. And many of them have set things up so you can't leave. They threaten to hurt the children, blackmail you, leave you penniless, get you fired from your job, spread lies about you to anyone who is left in your life after they've gotten rid of anyone who could have been there for you.
@@thecementhead THIS. It's fear of punishment based. Not fear of hurting their feelings. Fear of being punished by the narc whose feelings we hurt by not letting them abvse us. Boo f•••ing hoo.
Respect should not really earned in this manner first. It should just be given. If we wait around until someone respects you before you respect them, then no one would respect anyone ever.
@@halliadams5987 I had a discussion with a family friend and it made me incredibly upset, he tells me that I tend to “push people and family away” I ask him why does he think that and he says well “by moving out of your family’s house” but that’s my prerogative, if I want to move out I can move out, I’m an adult and I make my own decisions, if they have a problem with it that’s their business. I’m not going to let other people’s “feelings” dictate or control my life, and he goes on to say that I don’t do anything to show them that I want to be “part of the family” but here’s the thing, why aren’t I already part of the family by default? Everyone is deserving of a loving family, but apparently this one requires one to meet certain criteria in order to be part of their club or some shit. I feel like I have to be a people pleaser to them…and he thinks of my upbringing of being homeless and raised by a narcissist father as an “excuse” rather than an understanding of the way I am and how that has damaged my mental health and how that affects me in my adulthood. and he thinks I have a “fear of rejection”.
Exactly. Saying what you want or need, or how you don’t like something they do or say, then they accuse you of being mean, controlling, ‘abusing’ them, not having empathy, etc. You are conditioned to tolerate low quality, conditioned to not speak up, to appease them, not rock the boat. It feels like more and more of your life energy and happiness is drained away each day. Then something happens, and “you always….” shame, guilt, insults, need to be right, scold, manipulation, gaslighting used against you. So you withdraw to not rock the boat. You get sensitized to react in frustration and anger - then they get calm, and say, “see, you are the problem. You’re not right, you need help, you are the reason for all our problems, …”
I tried to set that exact boundary. Call me names, I need a break/walk, and I'll be back. He ended up not letting me leave the doorway. I managed to escape once and he chased me down the street calling me crazy.
I hope that outcome didn't end in a harmful way!! You said, "escaped once," I'm assuming you weren't able to other times. Wishing you happiness on this spring day.😊
Similar things happened to me. On several occasions, I would say I needed a break, and I would leave or try to leave the room. He would follow me, stand in doorways , hold my car door open so I couldn’t leave, etc… it was terrifying but I felt I had no choice but to stay with him. I’m glad I was able to get out of that relationship.
@wheewillow1701 There are soooo many variables to consider. Narcissists tend to isolate their victims. Controlling as much of your life as possible. Even and very high up on the list, controlli g the narrative of your relationship to your friends and family. Making you the bad person. Making them the victim. Research the resources that are available to you. My therapist once told me, "You did the best you can do with the resources you have at the moment." I say this from the POV of someone who got out and survived. It's very taxing to the mind and body. You do what is right for you at this moment. Take care.
I grew up in a family of narcissists. They made my life hell. It started out this way where i would set boundaries and they would keep breaking them and i slowly fought myself some distance but they wouldn't give me the space i needed. Eventually i had to tell them off in a bigger way and remove them from 99 percent of my life. I only contact them if it is something important. Kind of a sad situation to have almost no contact with most of your family but I've never been better and I hope they are doing better too. I had to break the cycle for the sake of my own mental health and for the sake of my wife and kids too.
Sometimes found family is far greater than the blood you come from. I’m glad that you got away from that and I hope you’re doing okay now, but I’m sad that you had to deal with that growing up. Every kid deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a kid. 🫂
Going No Contact with toxic people is sometimes the only way, regardless of your past history/genetics with them. If they're not adding value to your life, or if they cause more pain/stress than good, they really don't deserve your time or attention.
Regarding setting a boundary with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, here's what has worked for me: I set a boundary for myself that I don't allow them to cross. For example, after consistent pestering through multiple phone calls an hour (which I had to accept during work hours), I would put that person on Do Not Disturb once it hit 6pm. Yes, they consistently continued to call, but I refused to let it make me panic and feel guilty about answering. The next day, if they brought it up, I'd say "sorry, I don't answer my phone outside of work hours." It didn't matter that they didn't realise it was exclusively their calls, but it saved a lot of grief and narcissistic backlash. My therapist had also suggested getting a new number under the guise of a work phone to everyone else, but as my only number to the narcissist. That way, I could disconnect entirely when needed. Stay safe, everyone!
Narcissistic backlash. Oooof, how that hit home for me. It suck’s how that backlash over things we could simply talk about and try to be understanding like healthy ppl usually ends in them being offended and feeling attacked and then they attack, when all we’re doing is having a conversation about what we need, likw u doing a lil too much and it’s like we damn near have to say that it’s not a rejection so pls don’t take it as one lol like just cool off a lil bit on that, but ofc they’re ego is so high and they’re so insecure that they are going to feel like ur not being sincere when u go a lil bit into their psyche that they don’t want anyone to know, and they will feel like we’re attacking them still. It’s no winning a healthy conversation with them. Ai yai yai. Lol Anywayssss…. Good job on the work around u found there, to preserve ur sanity and avoid any backlash from their mean selves. We almost have to like lie a little to them when it’s anything that they can possibly perceive as a “rejection” or a NO to their way, for them to simply not be mean to us, huh? I’ll pray for us 🙏🏼. Best of luck out there!
Was this someone you dated? And if so, are you still in a relationship with them? Curious to know if your more sophisticated boundary setting allowed you to still enjoy being with them, and if so, are you receiving a fulfilling, reciprocal support from them?
@@katiefay5104 it's a member of my immediate family. While it won't be the same for romantic partners, we have had a better time communicating since setting the boundary! However, I don't know if it'd work long-term with a partner. As for reciprocal support, if someone truly is a narcissist, I wouldn't hold out hope that they'd ever show me the support I need. I've grown to understand that this person simply won't be able to fulfil that need and therefore don't hold any expectations of them, thus avoiding further pain and disappointment
@@lilu2830 oof yes absolutely. Having to step on eggshells and fudge your way to a smoother landing is exhausting! It does make us great at diffusing situations, though, which I guess could be seen as a positive, right? 😅 thank you! It took me a long time, and a lot of panicking to realise I'll be fine, even if they did throw a tantrum about feeling shut out. We've got this! Much love and many healthy boundaries to you 💜
They LOVE knowing where the boundary is, crossing it, and DARING you to be mad or follow thru. Then, when you DO follow thru, YOU are the bad guy. The ex told me to my face, "I KNOW I can do ANYTHING I want to you, and you won't leave." Boy was HE wrong.🙄😮💨
How much disrepect/abuse will you tolerate? My daughter's life was in physical danger from being shot or beaten/strangled by a very broken human being. She only left because a friend was then in danger. She wouldn't leave for herself, but she would leave to protect someone else. She was so emotionally attached to her abuser that she felt responsible for their safety and well-being, but not her own. I couldn't understand it. Thankfully, she left but immediately ended up in another abusive relationship.
I was friends with this one girl for almost 10 years now. Recently went no contact with her because of her not respecting my boundaries ever. I think some fault was mine too, whenever she would call me names, whenever she would say something mean or hurtful, I would just laugh it off. Last month however, I couldn't ignore her constantly being mean to me and I ended up blocking her. I was sad because no matter how she treated me, I had developed a strong attachment to her but I'm definitely doing better now knowing there's no person in my life calling me ugly, stupid, always making me feel bad for standing up for myself.
You're worth more than that kind of treatment and attitude. Good for you for choosing yourself. Congratulations and I'm glad you shared your story. It helps me reframe my vision of a current friendship I've found troublesome for too long. It's good to be aware of one's own part, in "allowing" people to mistreat one. The point at which it becomes necessary to say something and adjust the relationship, if it is worth continuing to cultivate it.
You have an incredible amount of power in this: whatever behavior you *accept,* is what people will give you!!! If they push back on your need for space, create more space-- Break up, move out, call police/CPS etc. DON'T let them force you to interact when they are being abusive. Look out for your safety. You're stronger than you know.
Why didn't the Jewish people just tell Hitler "Stop I dont like to be touched?" Victims dont have power. This kind of thinking is very victim blaming. Some people can leave but a lot dont even know they are victims and others absolutely cannot leave without dangerous consequences.
I don't tell ppl, especially a narcissist, what my boundaries are. They are for me. I had a narcissistic mother. Telling her that if she criticized me, Id leave was like waving a red flag infront of a bull. It just insighted her to attack. When she insulted or criticised me, I'd look at my watch and say, wow, Ive gotta go. I'm going to be late for "fill in the blank." Narcissists dont communicate. So when im in a situation where Im uncomfortable or unsafe, I use my escape plan thats been carefully thought out before the interaction even occurs.
To be honest, that's what i most commonly use too with the abusive partner of my close friend. I avoid him as much as possible, the only times i stop by is if he is away. The rest of the times when we meet accidentaly on the way, "i'm in a hurry because [fill the blank]". I don't want to be around him anymore, and since last domestic violences when he completely lost it and even attacked the witnesses who tried to intervene, a lot of other people cut the bridges with him. Unfortunately not my friend, and i can't let her down. That's why i'm using the same kind of strategy as you with her partner.
@@TokyoBlue587 the truth is, nobody else than her can do that. The more you try to help, the less she shares her problems and the more she tries to advocate for her abuser. It's been almost 6 years now, they even have a kid. Friends who pointed out his behavior were cut out from her life. He is getting her away from the people he dislikes and a year and a half ago i became one of those persons too (i stood up for my friend, he didn't like that) so i barely see her now, only when he is away. A month ago we finally managed to encourage her to see a doctor + authorities to show her bruises, and if that day, her abuser didn't got violent towards other friends and neighbors, there would have been no complaint made and no consequences for the abuser. Even after that, and believe me, no more than two days after he beat her, she would say that he regrets so much and find him excuses to prove to herself than he can change. It's a very, very long road.
Also, remember the power dynamic. A boundary is pointless if you can't enforce a consequence. The whole reason a boundary is perceived as a means of communication is that it allows the other person (party) the ability to not trigger you. As such, that's one less complication, issue, or item of resentment that can be avoided. So that you both can focus on what's really important in the relationship. As was said, a boundary isn't a tool to control, condition, or punish your partner. It's just a limitation you've set for yourself so that you feel more safe and secure in the relationship. Plus, by your partner respecting it, it also allows you two to continue building trust.
Dragon moon- Well said. Unfortunately.... that doesn't work with the narcissistic personality. It does with other people & other type friendships, but not a person with this disorder. I learned the hard way. But I finally learned.
@@americanpatriot7247It works exactly like this with narcissists. They either respect ypur boundaries and you respect theirs, or you're not maintaining a relationship and thus start to make choices to run your own life, whatever that means.
@@KxNOxUTA You must have met or dealt with different "types" of narcissict than I experienced. It was like living in a lesser level of what hell must be like.
This points out my very first thought... this is fine and good solid advice when it comes to partners in a relationship or even siblings or other certain relatives but when it comes to the narcissist being a boss or a parent it doesn't work because of power dynamics... if you aren't inherently equal with them this doesn't work because you don't have much capability to enforce those boundries...
You leave for 30 minutes, they follow you. The doors get taken off the hinges. Your car keys get stolen. The abuse only gets worse LIFE doesn't work with a narcissist. They are all abusive, down to their cores. Get out. Run, and never look back
Will try this thanks! They drive you mad thinking you're the provlem for flagging up their disrespect. It's funny how when you notice and predict how they'll react, you realise you'll never get them to understand or even apologise. A normal functioning person is actually bothered if they find out they've disrespected someone, and doesn't want the other person to feel that way....
Exactly. That's where a narcissist wants you. Taking their sh*t and not complaining about it. If you complain/defend yourself: "how dare you!?", "why are you so dramatic/rude!?". It will always be something wrong about you.
These types of people are exhausting to deal with. My co-worker is one of these things. After dealing with his insane behaviours for a long time I decided to not engage with him unless absolutely necessary. This boy lost his mind😂 it’s like I was doing something to him. All I was doing was not talking to him or getting in his space. He’s taken to tampering with my food and water. He move my bottle of water and hid it and watched me looking for it. Sicko
@sassysid100 ~ You should continue to be careful, especially if he is messing with your food and water. He sounds dangerous to me, but I'm not in your situation. *Make sure* you document everything he does in your work situation, hopefully with other people as witnesses. Be careful!
This is such vital information! No one taught me what it actually meant! I didn't even know about boundaries... I just didn't set out to hurt anyone and was always stunned that they deliberately did things to hurt me. I just felt that it was something about me that somehow warranted their horrible actions towards me. Even at primary school I was so quiet and would just watch the other kids running around shouting and confident. Then I would suddenly get a punch in my back from a passing bully. When I was walking home from school a different bully would beat me up. When i was a teenager I was more confident somehow but in relationships I've been really frightened by horrendous actions and threats. Boundaries...a subject that should be taught to even little kids.
Now I understand why telling my mom what my boundaries are was completely useless. Fortunately, I did sometimes leave. (Then there was the time she followed me into the bathroom & I had to shove her out the door & lock it; then she talked at me through the door. I've come to understand that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.) I love your videos. They make sense for friendships, family, every type of personal relationship.
Oh my lord, these kinds of invasive and heavy parents. I'm glad to read I'm not alone in having experienced this kind of truly oppressive behavior. It's good to realise how totally unacceptable and unhealthy such attitudes and behaviors are, from parents especially. And that we deserve to and always can choose ourselves and all that is good and healthy for us
Upon reading your first few sentences, I thought to myself, her mother is exactly like my mother. And then I read that your mother has BPD -sto did my mother.
Disrespectful name calling in a relationship is a no no that deserves permanent break apart. By being present in the relationship means you are agreeing to the narcissists terms.
Yeah I told my emotional abuser of a narcissist “How could u hug me and then treat me like that right after, don’t hug me anymore if ur going to treat me like that”. After the second time this happened, referring to the second time I said that after having started to notice this said hug/disrespect pattern, I haven’t hugged him since. It felt uncomfortable hugging him, like me telling myself “girl, what are u doing?” When I hug him, or let him hug me, I feel like as if I am betraying myself knowing that twice after he has hugged me, it’s like he lowers his behavioral restrictions somehow and decides it’s ok to go off on me now with insults and curse words, and not try to understand, but just hurt and smile while he is doing it, like a conversation btwn us can quickly be turned into (by him) a screaming match where he needs to find stuff to hurt me with, because I am apparently trying to attack him or being a bitch. Yeahhhh his words. Funny how he thinks like a cliche of a man when a speaking of a strong woman, simply speaking her mind, just saying what I need, or saying a neutral or necessary statement that he turned out not to like. Simply because he doesn’t like it, I am then, considered a bitch to him. So me, simply being me, he thinks I am being a bitch, so why would he want to hug me then?, why would I want to hug someone who thinks I am a bitch? and on top of that, he is a bitch to me with all of the other things he has said and done and threatened to do now. No. No. No. When it has led to threats coming out of his mouth now, and him looking very happy saying them, it’s like he has no care of the fallout of his actions, yet he wants to be cool and hang out with me. Whaaaat! That’s a toxic I do not want to be a part of. And it just doesn’t make sense. He’s lying to himself and I am lying to myself if I think we have a chance of working out in being close or having conversations often, like hanging out. We don’t. I can’t freely be myself. And if I let him think we are cool, then he will let his little guard down that helps him behave, and he will then be mean 1st (which he most likely is), instead of trying to behave 1st so he will try his best to show me that ‘seeeee I can be a civil and nice person, that isn’t mean’. Yeahhhh so I guess all in all, in conclusion!, 😂 I guess I got fed up, and in my gut, I kind of fell into this boundary and continual establishment of the boundary. It just felt right, because the hug felt so wrong. Blessing to u all, stay strong willed, true to urself, and kind! And best of luck to u all! 🙏🏼💗
I was looking for something like this that would make it clear. However, you need power in a relationship to make setting and enforcement of boundaries to work. If you're dependent on them in some way, for housing, financially, etc., boundaries aren't going to work.
So then the goal is stop being that dependent and instead to take the responsibility on your shoulders. The first step of that new life is to look for how to take care of yourself and your resonsibilities.
@@halliadams5987 he sent me a msg 3 weeks ago, 2 months after no response from him. He was sorry, blah blah blah, wishing me the best nothing about pay id or transferring the $50 he took when he was meant to go buy us food and never came back. I made sure, fs that his number was blocked like I thought. The old me would’ve said “that’s ok babe, I understand “ Even when it wasn’t. I read the msg twice, nothing magical about him returning the money after ripping me off yet again. So I made sure to block than delete then delete deleted msgs 😂😂😂
Walking away as opposed to reacting is dissing a narcissist- and my experience has been it will comeback to haunt you in ways you never would have expected. I think if you’re unable to sever ties- kissing up maybe the only way too maintain a degree of sanity with w/NPD family members. They can make your life a living hell!
If people choose to live in dysfunction because they’re too afraid to walk away, they shouldn’t really complain about the narcissist. Because they are just as sick as they are.
This is the conversation you have with yourself before actually dealing with a narcissist but the reality is the narcissist makes it pretty difficult. Best thing to do is stay away from them all together.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.
I hate to say this, but reread your message... YOU were in a beautiful marriage. She divorced you, so SHE obviously didn't feel she was in a beautiful marriage. You were getting your needs met, but she wasn't. You were happy, she wasn't. Think back to whatever concerns she brought up to you leading to the divorce. Did you listen to them and act on them? (If they're valid?) I'm wondering if one of her issues was lack of personal space? Take the issues to heart, read some books or get some counseling sessions, and try again. You two weren't right together. Work on yourself, and try again. We ALL have improvements we can make to be better partners. If we don't work on them, we often fall into a pattern of having the same issues in every relationship. Best wishes!
You have correctly figured out that you are struggling to manage your emotions and are insted having said emotions wipe the floor with you, to put it bluntly. It seems your ability to process emotions is currently too poor to handle thos well. It sounds like you are trying to suppress your emotions instead of actually processing them. The presence of a person in your mind is absolutely no reason to not be fine. You can feel love for ppl and move on with life. But this doesn't sound like love. It sounds like obsession and possibly worse: "obsession with own head canon about a person and what you imagine could have been". Ehich has very little to do with an actual partner and everything to do with projecting your needs onto another person instead of learning how to attend to your needs yourself, like an adult. Sit down and write down what exactly you miss and then start attending to your own needs and build a platonic support system with ppl for social community needs. Which you require regardless of your partnership status. And start mutually entrusting each other with a small portion of attending to each other if you aren't doing any of that yet. If necessary, get yourself into therapy or even good quality help communities. Avoid all places that fuel negative narratives about women and your partner. Start asking questions what YOUR behaviour was/is/shall be henceforth and make it about your growth and not about her. Also consider meditation practice in which you learn to observe thoughts and emotions insted of engaging them and drowning in them.
I get really tired of hearing this because it puts the blame on the victim. Try choosing the way you react to a mugger who has a gun to your head. You can't choose the way you react when you are being held hostage in your own life and forced to behave how they want you to. You can only leave and some people can't do that without fear of being murdered. The narcissist will use anything they can to control you, its not that you didn't put down boundaries well enough, its that they dont care about them.
@@janedoe6704 My comment isn’t about blaming the victim, it is about empowering the victim, and when possible, not allowing yourself to become a victim in the first place. In extreme situations, a person is in survival mode so the choice may not come until after they have escaped that situation. While they are in the situation, they are a victim; but once they escape the situation they become a survivor. The challenge is in shifting your thinking from one to the other. Victim is a reactive state of mind which leads one to feel like they are at the mercy of the world around them, while Survivor is a proactive state of mind which allows one to take control over their thoughts, feelings, and actions so they can move forward with their lives. It isn’t easy to make this transition and some people may need the help of a professional to accomplish this, but it can be done. If you are not in an extreme situation and are not in danger, then you can choose how to react at that moment. As you pointed out, narcissists don’t care about you or your feelings. The reason for this is because they lack empathy. While it may not feel this way when you’re on the receiving end of a narcissists behavior, it is not personal. To a Narc, every human being is nothing more than an inanimate object designed to be used and discarded. So you can choose to let them treat you as such or you can choose to walk away. What we often fail to realize when interacting with a narcissist is that we are not dealing with a normal, rational human being so we get caught up in trying to prove to them that their behavior is harmful; or, worse, we become focused on trying to fix or save them. A Narcissist is the emotional equivalent of a black hole in outer space. They will never be satisfied and will consume everything in their wake until the day they draw their last breath. That is what I mean when I say you cannot control their behavior, but you can choose how you react to it. You can choose to walk away. You can choose not to play their game. You can choose not to allow them to define who you are. If you have trouble doing this, then you may need to examine your childhood programming or internal dialogue to determine what is going on with you. This is also not easy and may require a professional to help you figure this out and find ways to overcome it. If you are in an abusive situation, I hope you can safely find your way out of it as soon as possible. If you have found your way out, I hope you can find a path to healing so you can move forward in your life.
This is sooooo true. Narcissistic think they are always right no matter if there is prove of what they have done wrong. It’s a fighting battle always for you to get them to listen…
Happened to me the other day. They hate to be wrong! I finally got up and walked to the truck and left for the day. Work well too, because he didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. Ah…..peace.
I’m starting my practicum as a mental health counselor who will work with individuals, couples, and families. Your content is so helpful for me to prepare how to explain and educate about healthy boundaries and common clinical concerns!
The “punishing them” response. It’s so hard to carry care, love, and respect for someone who is so hurt they take words that even spoken with care, as a weapon, punishment, a put down. They are actually verbalizing what they are feeling themselves while projecting those thoughts and feelings onto the other person. It’s so hard to stay calm but the important thing is to realize they have been hurt. It doesn’t mean they get to treat you without respect and if they don’t want to, or are too fearful of looking at the pain they carry that makes them this way, then all you can do is to set a boundary. It’s an act of teaching them how to respect themselves as much as it is about yours. We all need to care for each other and give time and some thought into how we react ourselves and what does it mean to be a partner who can stand in their own strength in order to see the individual as they are, but NOT to accept behavior when they have no intention of taking responsibility for their actions.
It takes quite a bit of courage to set a real boundary and stick to it. When you are mentally ill with CPTSD from childhood trauma all you want is for that abuser to stop! That makes it hard to remember who you are trying to control. Yourself !! With various partners I never understood that I wasn't asking them to stop but that I needed to tell them I would stop interacting with them if they continued to abuse me. I finally get it but my current partner seems like my Dad more and more each day. I hope he gets the message because I don't want to leave him.
Exactly! We give and give. You're last points made are absolutely vital. My best friend as a teenager, pointed that out to me. She was very outspoken with hurtful people. She said that, if they had the nerve to speak to her like they did, she had the nerve to speak to them the way she did. Yes, great point!
"but we're punishing them" ... my eyes widened and jaw dropped. I have heard that before. "So I'm being punished?!" Dude that .. that was scary I'm IN that relationship o.o
For me personally, my boundary is no contact. I will not tiptoe around these people anymore and even have a conversation about what I tolerate or not. My life is too short for that.
Me too. Except that sometimes, you don't get to actually go. For instance, i will not quit my dream job because of a narc coworker or else, neither leave my close friend who is stuck in a relationship with her abusive narc. So my boundary is, of course, to avoid the narcs as much as possible, but i can't spend my time fleeing. So, other times, i say hello to be polite and then i focus on work or another activity. And i nourish all my other relationships with care, love and positivity.
I’ve been reading so many videos and watching so many channels and listening to podcasts on how to handle my narcissistic husband and these are so relevant and groundbreaking they’re bringing me to tears. SO PRACTICALLY HELPFUL. THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you!
Preach... I find that frequently, people fail to understand that they only have control over themselves and their own choices. I appreciate that you discussed the differences between boundaries, requests and demands... Hopefully that will shed light on the differences for some people 😁
My ex husband husband was a narcissist. He will not talk to me and ghost me (though we were living in the same house) for MONTHS, when I walk out of conversation or take time out for 5 mins while he is fighting (basically blaming me for everything). It will drive me crazy. He even didn't talk to me for 3 month for a small fight. Trust me it's not that easy to be in control every single day for months.
Exactly! Once they discover a boundary, they’ll use it against you. Do not let them know what bothers you. Do not try to reason with them by expressing how their abuse makes you feel. They’ll do it more, not less!
I'm breaking myself down to build something better in its place. I had issues that broke down my relationship with my fiance. I'm trying so hard to be a better individual. It's not an easy process. I have so much to learn still as I continue learning though I become more understanding as to what I did wrong.
After being trampled and devalued to the point it seemed my life didn't exist because of the grandiosity and pervasiveness and overtalking of his- learned grey rock and he stopped talking to me- thankfully- and found himself a monkey branch who would listen- and left. Now No contact divorced and healing. Remembering my own life and accomplishments and validating them that I did live a good life of just as much importance as anyone else's. What a soul-sucking experience to "have a relationship " with a narcissist. By golly I survived!
That reminds me when I set a boundary with an ex by letting go of their arm and walking ahead. They felt SO ofended that I let go and walked on my own for about 2 meters until we got to our destination. And they made me feel like I was the one on the wrong. I wish I had your videos back then. That relationship would have lasted way less than it did.
I have been looking so much for people with this mentality because it's exactly like mine, but it's as if 90% of the people out there are narcissists. I have been cutting narcissists off my life so much that I am down to like 4 people that seem to be chill (but I would cut them off too without a second thought if they turn out to be toxic). I had dozens of friends and family that I used to allow abuse of when I was a soft teenager (I am now 25). I am constantly told by everyone that I exaggerate when I completely (or as much as possible) cut contact with them, despite how horrible these people can be towards me, others or themselves, or they cause trouble and then complain to me about the consequences of their own actions and repeat the same mistakes over and over, despite me telling them that there is a healthier way of dealing with relationships or life in general. But they never listen, It has made me feel so lonely and I would love to meet friends and a partner who shares these views has the mental strength to set boundaries and follow through with them. It made me so happy that I found this channel, and if there's anyone like me reading this, I would like to be friends!
yes keep going! with this awareness and your age this is great and you'll find your tribe. on the other side. 25 sucks and is the dark night of the soul but you got this!
@@chuchernaut7419 oh I don't play guitar I play piano for a long time but depression has been a pain so I haven't played or uploaded anything in months
Ohhhhhhhhhhh... OHHHHHHHHHHHH You just gave me the information that I wanted from the 5 school counselors I talked to. Instead of just “you can’t control other people”/“the only thing you can control is yourself” you told me what I can do instead when someone does something I ask them not to or does something that affects me, thank you so much, genuinely
The golden rule abour boundaries is that healthy boundaries are inclusive. They provide a set of rules how both individuals can come closer to each other.
@@cozymoggele If communicated properly, they allow the other person to respect your boundary, to correct themself and keep building connection with you. For instance let's say you are in an argument with someone that is heating up. You value healthy conflict resolution where both sides can express their feelings. Thus you set your boundary that you will not be engaged in an unhealthy conflict with blameshifting, screaming and what not. But you are willing to return to it and have emotionally mature communication about it. You allow the other person to come closer on your terms.
That’s one type of boundary, for certain types of people or situations. But no contact is another perfectly healthy, valid, and for millions of people, necessary type of boundary.
@@LittleLulubee I find it really hard to call no contact a boundary at all. No contact is usually the last solution when boundaries don't work. It is a consequence of violated boundaries. It is for self-preservation.
@@nickus51 It seems you misunderstand the term boundary. A boundary isn’t a compromise or negotiation- it’s a firm, inflexible barrier. No contact is the strongest boundary you can have. And for many people, it’s the best and only acceptable boundary.
Excellent summary of boundaries! Boundaries are for ourselves not to change them. I know they put some of us through absolute hell. We can look within for our own answers.
She isn't even going to let you talk at all. She will put words in your mouth and keep talking at you until you blow up because you can't continue listening to her insane prattle anymore
My concern isn’t about hurting their feelings. It’s their retaliation because of their hurt feelings. Especially when literally getting away is not an option. Like a work place or living environment. Where you literally do not have anywhere else to go…. Sane people will respect boundaries… most narcissistic people I’ve ever dealt with, not only don’t respect boundaries, but will literally do everything in their power to “punish” me for “punishing” them.
Man I walked away from a project that we were doing because every time I said something he ignored me completely and continued to do the project (wrong btw) without my help. I expected communication and to try to get on the same page. I asked him one last question, I expressed one last time that I was feeling ignored and dismissed. When he didn't respond AGAIN but still wanted me there to, I don't know, talk crap to me. I walked away and went to the restroom. Like he does. And I went in for 20 minutes I suppose. And the second I get out, I'm being antagonized about walking away. It didn't matter that he was dismissive. It only mattered when I had a reaction. So what? Act like a robot with a narc?
They often use this subtle dismissive or cold behavior to provoke us into losing our temper, so it will look like we’re in the wrong. You did the right thing by giving yourself some time to cool down and of course it frustrated him because he didn’t get the emotional reaction he wanted from you. They feed on us becoming distraught, upset, crying, etc.
Lord if you're not going to pay my bills for me then please show me how I'm permitted to do it myself. That will end the need to consider the subjects of boundaries and narcissists. I want to be heard too. 😢
I wasn’t able to go no contact with my narcissist mother until I got to the point where I just didn’t care what she thought or said about me anymore. I went no contact and every time a family member tried to push me back in to connecting with her, I simply said, “I’m not interested in discussing this now or in the future. It’s a private matter. So let’s talk about something else.” If they pushed again, whether in that conversation or at a later time, I just repeated myself. I gave them three chances and on the fourth I figured that they had no respect for my boundaries, so I went no contact with them too. Most of them respected my boundaries the first time. The ones that didn’t were the relatives that have always been in mom’s pocket anyway and believe every lie out of her mouth. I just don’t want the additional drama in my life.
This is really eye-opening. I always saw my pwbpd as the victim in all of his interactions with people but he is extremely toxic and he doesn't care how he hurts me
Sometimes, keeping yourself Alive is the priority. If you arent in a place where you can leave or enforce boundaries, that's okay. It's a huge emotional toll, as well as possibly physically endangering. You are not bad for "letting it happen". You are not bad for not setting the boundary. You deserve *so* much kindness and compassion. It's okay to give yourself that. You are amazing and lovable and beautiful and deserve so many good things. It's okay if you dont believe that right now. It's like gravity, true no matter what. You got this. Be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. From one survivor to another, Im proud of you 🧡🫂🧡
Narcissists will try to make you believe you are the bad guy, they are very sneaky, its easy to fall in their traps. They will never admit they have a mental problem, dont waste your time trying to explain them your opinion or your pain they will just suck your energy.
No, it's the freaking truth. Bro cheated on his wife and turned into a cringy male feminist grifter lol, all he does is pander to his all female audience.
We all know boundaries don't work on Narcs. We can use them to somewhat protect our emotional response but the question is: If you must go to such lengths to have a "relationship" with someone, is that the kind of relationship you want?
This was the most helpful definition of a boundary I've ever heard. Everywhere now people are taking about setting boundaries and I was never clear on what exactly that meant!
Nothing works on a narcissist because they aren’t interested in mutual respect or consideration. The only thing that works is going no contact which is in fact a boundary.
Thanks Jimmy your message is just in time. He contacted me for coffee after no contact. I know how to response.
100%. Took me too long to do it but I did
No contact is the way
I can’t wait until the day I’m permanently and completely liberated from my demon brother 😈
What if the narcissist follows the other person and doesn’t leave them alone
I've been called disrespectful by the most disrespectful people
i work with a misogynistic Narc manager I shut tht shit down so fast, he refused to shake my hand when I got hired.
Agree 100%! You can't hold a conversation with someone that blocks you out! They say you yell! If you leave the room how else can I ask you something!
Narcissists always project their own flaws and behaviors onto others
I literally just asked someone I know a question today and they answered back very rude and passive aggressive and dismissive. I called them out on it and their response was "well your question and your demeanor were rude so I was rude." ......all I did was ask you a question, friend 😂
It's crazy how they completely lack self awareness and find a way to blame everything on the other person. Let Karen be mad by herself. 😂
Absolutely true. First time I set a boundary and followed through with it, my narcissist mother didn’t speak to me for 22 years. Worth every minute!
😂 Score!
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Awesome!
How come she's back?
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your comment. My mom (narcissist), hasn’t talked to me for three years now. Each and every single day I think about her and ask myself « how to make it right » while protecting and taking care of myself. As my therapist said : you can’t expect having a healthy relationship with someone who is not healthy. 🙏🏻😌
Kindness from France 🫶🏻
Boundaries are about self preservation. Often that equates to standing up and leaving.
Boundaries also equates to saying "stop and no," and sometimes, people cannot "stand up and leave." Sometimes, people don't have an option to stop abuse because abusers have zero accountability, and they cannot leave. This video is manipulative, and it's ridiculous people sit here explaining how to "set boundaries."
@@patricehoward9831I think you misunderstood the point of this video. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings about this, because there are sometimes extreme situations. This video is more about explaining what a boundary is, it doesn’t offer a solution that will always work.
😂😂😂😂😂 be every woman knows this! When we are FULL TIME WIVES & MOMS we have not the power to just walk away. Why have you missed this obvious issue
Boundaries are a way of Preserving your Self Love, Self Respect, and Your Personal Standards of Interaction and Values That You Come into Any/Every Relationship With.
Exactly!
Yeah, I got trapped in a house with someone else's narcissist for a couple of years. He hated me so much, because I've turned boundary enforcement into an art form. Because I always mean what I say. "You need to watch how you speak to me or you'll be doing this without me." And I have zero trouble stopping mid project and doing something else.
I think not being ego-driven makes it much easier. Do I look silly? Could someone misunderstand my motivation here? Possibly, but I don't care.
Bravo!!!👏🏼👏🏼🏆
Hell yeah
Well but then they can use it against you. "Look, shes's crazy. I told you. And here you go". Slandering you
@@E-plunksna That's fine. I probably am crazy. So? There's eight billion people in the world; I can live without anyone who falls for such obvious nonsense.
Omg, when u said “ Because I always mean what I say”……… I feel like dealing with my narcissist emotional abuser, for a literal life time now, I have had to be very careful about what I say, I can’t even speak freely and have fun with some silly things or some jokes I can’t even say and be slightly emotional myself because he’s always the highly emotionally unstable one that can go off at any moment or misinterpret what I say because they’re being emotional in their response to what im saying. Soo I have then been “trained” I guess u can say, to make sure I always say what I mean to not say anything that he can misinterpret as an attack, cus he does that a lot, even when I am saying everything I mean he can easily be offended by anything even when I’m being very sensitive to his emotional fragility. He’s still very mean when we have conversations that other ppl also have in our situation, and he doesn’t get that. Or probably doesn’t want too. He wants to live life on his own terms, but that affects other ppl and he doesn’t get that the way he lives doesn’t work when ur affecting other ppl. Oh well. I’m still trapped with this said individual, but I will be getting out not soon enough. lol Pray for me 🙏🏼. But yeah I’ve been distancing myself as well, and I try to not talk to him, as much as possible, cus literally a lot of random things can be then turned into a hostile environment moment for him. Smh
If you don't set boundaries with a narcissist, they'll set plenty of them for you - on their terms.
This is so true! And so sad! 😢
They'll steam roll all over them anyway, especially if they're in a position of authority/parent etc. We can quit our job, get out from under the roof of an unpleasant, disrespectful and mean husband, but a child can't run away from home or stand up to a narcissistic parent / step - parent
Truest statement ever!!!!
Yes like my mom didn’t want me to go in her room and she lock it but it’s ok for her to go in my room when I’m not home and I pay her $350 for rent I told Don’t come in my room and she said I can come in your room cause I’m the one that’s paying the mortgage but I’m helping her out with bills I’m so glad I left
They set plenty anyway. If you complain they say they have rights and you don't.
At work someone randomly said, “boundaries are invisible to people who refuse to see them.”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard truer words spoken.
That is why you have to walk away. They can't ignore that.
Boundaries become very visible when they are strongly and consistently enforced.
@L.Fontein7 The point is how strongly? Walking away may be safer.
You decide what your response will be when your boundaries are violated then just do it.
The most common reaction with these types, even when having a "reasonable question is the answer NO. If that fails, mid sentence they will completely try and steer you to a total other unrelated topic. If that fails. prepare for gaslighting. Focus on what they accuse you about. It is EXACTLY what they are doing.....to you!.
I've stopped caring about being "the bad guy". I will set the boundaries I need to be healthy, and it's not my job to teach grown adults how to cope with disappointment and frustration - I'm not your unpaid therapist. I'm responsible for my health, happiness, and feelings, not anyone else's.
This.
Truer words haven't been spoken yet.
I'm dealing with a narcissistic alcoholic neighbor. When he's sober & on the right meds, he's a great friend & fun to be around. He has PTSD (& physical injuries from war), and I've helped him get through some hard times. Kept my distance so he wouldn't get the wrong impression, but when he relapses (& sui¢!@| at times) he reaches out to me. I've set boundaries (like no calls in wee hours) that he disrespects over & over again. As if he's obsessed with me or I'm his 24/7 therapist! Then when sober & in a better mindset he apologizes. Like the boy who cried wolf! The guilt trips & drama when I need space/peace is exhausting! 🤯
They may play the game but will keep on doing whatever they want to do!
Freaking EXACTLY!
I go to therapy for MY health, not to manage a narcissist's resistance to taking themselves to a therapist. Lash out all you want, it's your problem, narcs.
Sometimes boundaries with a narcissist look like 40,000 in legal fees and a court order mandating that all communication be through a monitored parenting app and strict schedule that limits contact. Even though it came at a high price, the lightness I feel no longer getting long unwanted texts from him full of gaslighting, coercion, and manipulation makes it well worth it. It’s freedom.
👏👏👏👏👏👏
Congrats!!!!!! It's a big deal!!!!
Well done! I know (first hand) how hard that can be. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your children!
Not at all belittling the cost, but that sounds like money well spent to me 🙌
This is exactly how I did it. Similar cost too. Sooo worth it.
This reminds me of a saying:
You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.
Choosing how to react instead of asking others to change works not only works with narcissists but with everyone, people tend to see their own interests as more important and just ignore the request for rules of communication - don’t let them walk all over you.
I chose not to respond to a lot of the times I was dissed and at times attempted to respectfully request that they not talk to me that way. And to remind them how I’ve accommodated all their boundaries and demands for so many things and constant assurances… asking for some courtesy and reciprocity… but, it got to the point where this person who could never be ‘inconvenienced’ to spend time with me… was just this person who constantly questioned my integrity, three times a week over the phone, but I was alone dealing with life by myself. And it just got more and more frequent, not better… if I ignored it, they interpreted it as they were behaving just fine… if I mentioned that I’d like to be treated a different way, they pointed out stuff that was wrong with me… most of it not even applicable. Finally i said, let’s spend the day together tommorrow, and i got ‘I don’t know what you’re doing and you never want to talk about money’ (regardless of the fact that I was extremely communicative about what I was always doing and we were just literally talking about money when he got impatient and said he needs to go to bed’. … if you ignore their constant wtf and occasionally ask for something different … and hoping to show them you can be trusted, by catering to their demands… they just double down on psycho. But, if you have some legal bond (coworker, con parent, marriage, biz partner, immediate fam, etc)… yes, put up with some stuff. I guess.
One evening, my ex told me to F off, so I politely and respectfully said - Thank you and Good night - i walked through the door and I've never looked back 🙏✨️❤️
Good for you!
@caroleminke6116 I had to let him think he was calling the shots for fear of any reprisals - I almost skipped out of the door - if only he knew 🤭✨️🙏❤️
👏👏👏👏👏👏 Yesss!!!!!❤
God bless you and have a wonderful rest of your life!!!❤️
@@deethompson3592 Where did you go? Were you financially stable at that point to be walking out immediately?
Set boundaries and they will fly into a rage. Walk away from a conversation and they will either follow you or triangulate/play victim 😒
You'll always be the bad person for someone in the world, but also the good person for a lot of others. You've met one, now let them be and keep going with your boundaries.
Exactly 💯
Go no contact
Or steal and or break your things because you walked out of the room.
@@mday3821 This! There WILL be revenge. Most narcissists never let their victim get away with setting a boundary. And many of them have set things up so you can't leave. They threaten to hurt the children, blackmail you, leave you penniless, get you fired from your job, spread lies about you to anyone who is left in your life after they've gotten rid of anyone who could have been there for you.
Too many people are more concerned with how we are going to make a narcissist feel than we are about setting boundaries and keeping them.
It’s me hi
.. and keeping our own very valuable peace of mind, in enforcing our necessary boundaries ✨️🌼✨️
I think it is because we know how much worse they will make it for us if we do hurt their feelings. Consciously or unconsciously.
@@thecementhead THIS. It's fear of punishment based. Not fear of hurting their feelings.
Fear of being punished by the narc whose feelings we hurt by not letting them abvse us. Boo f•••ing hoo.
We don’t want to piss them off.
Which is why I stopped caring about being "rude" or "disrespectful" years ago. Respect has to be earned anyway
Respect should not really earned in this manner first. It should just be given. If we wait around until someone respects you before you respect them, then no one would respect anyone ever.
Also, what’s rude or disrespectful are both subjective.
@@Lacroix999uhhh, no....
They always want us to be people pleasers to them, we can’t have our own personal boundaries without them accusing us of “pushing people away”.
If they don't care that they are LITERALLY torturing you, it's only fair that you are "pushing them away".
It usually boils down to No Contact. 🤷🏾♀️
@@halliadams5987 I had a discussion with a family friend and it made me incredibly upset, he tells me that I tend to “push people and family away” I ask him why does he think that and he says well “by moving out of your family’s house” but that’s my prerogative, if I want to move out I can move out, I’m an adult and I make my own decisions, if they have a problem with it that’s their business. I’m not going to let other people’s “feelings” dictate or control my life, and he goes on to say that I don’t do anything to show them that I want to be “part of the family” but here’s the thing, why aren’t I already part of the family by default? Everyone is deserving of a loving family, but apparently this one requires one to meet certain criteria in order to be part of their club or some shit. I feel like I have to be a people pleaser to them…and he thinks of my upbringing of being homeless and raised by a narcissist father as an “excuse” rather than an understanding of the way I am and how that has damaged my mental health and how that affects me in my adulthood. and he thinks I have a “fear of rejection”.
Absolutely 💯 %
Exactly. Saying what you want or need, or how you don’t like something they do or say, then they accuse you of being mean, controlling, ‘abusing’ them, not having empathy, etc.
You are conditioned to tolerate low quality, conditioned to not speak up, to appease them, not rock the boat. It feels like more and more of your life energy and happiness is drained away each day.
Then something happens, and “you always….” shame, guilt, insults, need to be right, scold, manipulation, gaslighting used against you.
So you withdraw to not rock the boat. You get sensitized to react in frustration and anger - then they get calm, and say, “see, you are the problem. You’re not right, you need help, you are the reason for all our problems, …”
Pushing bad people away = having a great day.
I tried to set that exact boundary. Call me names, I need a break/walk, and I'll be back.
He ended up not letting me leave the doorway. I managed to escape once and he chased me down the street calling me crazy.
I hope that outcome didn't end in a harmful way!! You said, "escaped once," I'm assuming you weren't able to other times.
Wishing you happiness on this spring day.😊
Similar things happened to me. On several occasions, I would say I needed a break, and I would leave or try to leave the room. He would follow me, stand in doorways , hold my car door open so I couldn’t leave, etc… it was terrifying but I felt I had no choice but to stay with him. I’m glad I was able to get out of that relationship.
Or when he don’t let me sleep I will leave the room, just make it worse. We are their puppets for them
If he's restraining you, that's physical assault and illegal. Seriously. Report him for domestic violence and get yourself safe.
@wheewillow1701 There are soooo many variables to consider. Narcissists tend to isolate their victims. Controlling as much of your life as possible. Even and very high up on the list, controlli g the narrative of your relationship to your friends and family. Making you the bad person. Making them the victim.
Research the resources that are available to you. My therapist once told me, "You did the best you can do with the resources you have at the moment."
I say this from the POV of someone who got out and survived. It's very taxing to the mind and body.
You do what is right for you at this moment.
Take care.
I grew up in a family of narcissists. They made my life hell. It started out this way where i would set boundaries and they would keep breaking them and i slowly fought myself some distance but they wouldn't give me the space i needed. Eventually i had to tell them off in a bigger way and remove them from 99 percent of my life. I only contact them if it is something important. Kind of a sad situation to have almost no contact with most of your family but I've never been better and I hope they are doing better too. I had to break the cycle for the sake of my own mental health and for the sake of my wife and kids too.
:(
Sometimes found family is far greater than the blood you come from. I’m glad that you got away from that and I hope you’re doing okay now, but I’m sad that you had to deal with that growing up. Every kid deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a kid. 🫂
Going No Contact with toxic people is sometimes the only way, regardless of your past history/genetics with them. If they're not adding value to your life, or if they cause more pain/stress than good, they really don't deserve your time or attention.
Same for me and I haven't looked back. My only hope is that they stop terrorising my sister
Amen. Vampires sucking your energy deserve 1% of you at MOST.
Regarding setting a boundary with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, here's what has worked for me: I set a boundary for myself that I don't allow them to cross.
For example, after consistent pestering through multiple phone calls an hour (which I had to accept during work hours), I would put that person on Do Not Disturb once it hit 6pm. Yes, they consistently continued to call, but I refused to let it make me panic and feel guilty about answering. The next day, if they brought it up, I'd say "sorry, I don't answer my phone outside of work hours." It didn't matter that they didn't realise it was exclusively their calls, but it saved a lot of grief and narcissistic backlash. My therapist had also suggested getting a new number under the guise of a work phone to everyone else, but as my only number to the narcissist. That way, I could disconnect entirely when needed.
Stay safe, everyone!
Narcissistic backlash. Oooof, how that hit home for me. It suck’s how that backlash over things we could simply talk about and try to be understanding like healthy ppl usually ends in them being offended and feeling attacked and then they attack, when all we’re doing is having a conversation about what we need, likw u doing a lil too much and it’s like we damn near have to say that it’s not a rejection so pls don’t take it as one lol like just cool off a lil bit on that, but ofc they’re ego is so high and they’re so insecure that they are going to feel like ur not being sincere when u go a lil bit into their psyche that they don’t want anyone to know, and they will feel like we’re attacking them still. It’s no winning a healthy conversation with them. Ai yai yai. Lol Anywayssss…. Good job on the work around u found there, to preserve ur sanity and avoid any backlash from their mean selves. We almost have to like lie a little to them when it’s anything that they can possibly perceive as a “rejection” or a NO to their way, for them to simply not be mean to us, huh?
I’ll pray for us 🙏🏼. Best of luck out there!
Was this someone you dated? And if so, are you still in a relationship with them? Curious to know if your more sophisticated boundary setting allowed you to still enjoy being with them, and if so, are you receiving a fulfilling, reciprocal support from them?
@@katiefay5104 it's a member of my immediate family. While it won't be the same for romantic partners, we have had a better time communicating since setting the boundary! However, I don't know if it'd work long-term with a partner. As for reciprocal support, if someone truly is a narcissist, I wouldn't hold out hope that they'd ever show me the support I need. I've grown to understand that this person simply won't be able to fulfil that need and therefore don't hold any expectations of them, thus avoiding further pain and disappointment
@@lilu2830 oof yes absolutely. Having to step on eggshells and fudge your way to a smoother landing is exhausting! It does make us great at diffusing situations, though, which I guess could be seen as a positive, right? 😅 thank you! It took me a long time, and a lot of panicking to realise I'll be fine, even if they did throw a tantrum about feeling shut out.
We've got this! Much love and many healthy boundaries to you 💜
Good idea
I employed it 20 years ago
Never ever, they are only interested in controlling you then will blame you for why your not submitting to their BS
They LOVE knowing where the boundary is, crossing it, and DARING you to be mad or follow thru. Then, when you DO follow thru, YOU are the bad guy. The ex told me to my face, "I KNOW I can do ANYTHING I want to you, and you won't leave." Boy was HE wrong.🙄😮💨
Congrats on getting the heck out of there! I hope your life is much better now.
@@janedoe6704 thank you. Things are better for me and I'm doing well🖤
It’s not that easy. If you’re stuck with them they will make you pay in many different ways and make your life miserable
How much disrepect/abuse will you tolerate? My daughter's life was in physical danger from being shot or beaten/strangled by a very broken human being. She only left because a friend was then in danger. She wouldn't leave for herself, but she would leave to protect someone else. She was so emotionally attached to her abuser that she felt responsible for their safety and well-being, but not her own. I couldn't understand it. Thankfully, she left but immediately ended up in another abusive relationship.
I was friends with this one girl for almost 10 years now. Recently went no contact with her because of her not respecting my boundaries ever. I think some fault was mine too, whenever she would call me names, whenever she would say something mean or hurtful, I would just laugh it off. Last month however, I couldn't ignore her constantly being mean to me and I ended up blocking her. I was sad because no matter how she treated me, I had developed a strong attachment to her but I'm definitely doing better now knowing there's no person in my life calling me ugly, stupid, always making me feel bad for standing up for myself.
Keep at it
You're worth more than that kind of treatment and attitude. Good for you for choosing yourself. Congratulations and I'm glad you shared your story.
It helps me reframe my vision of a current friendship I've found troublesome for too long.
It's good to be aware of one's own part, in "allowing" people to mistreat one. The point at which it becomes necessary to say something and adjust the relationship, if it is worth continuing to cultivate it.
Keep it up!!! ❤❤❤❤
That is trauma bonding.. There are treatments for it...
A person who uses demeaning language toward me is not a friend.
You have an incredible amount of power in this: whatever behavior you *accept,* is what people will give you!!! If they push back on your need for space, create more space-- Break up, move out, call police/CPS etc.
DON'T let them force you to interact when they are being abusive. Look out for your safety. You're stronger than you know.
Well said.
Why didn't the Jewish people just tell Hitler "Stop I dont like to be touched?"
Victims dont have power. This kind of thinking is very victim blaming. Some people can leave but a lot dont even know they are victims and others absolutely cannot leave without dangerous consequences.
Thank you so much, I always tell my boyfriend “don’t do this, don’t say that, I don’t like that stop” and now I know to change it to “IF” Thank you
Hope you are in a safe placw
Be sage. It’s okay to leave, and if you do -- try doing so in public.
Best advice is to leave for good & block All & Any contact with them. Narcissists love any attention they get whether positive or negative.
I don't tell ppl, especially a narcissist, what my boundaries are. They are for me. I had a narcissistic mother. Telling her that if she criticized me, Id leave was like waving a red flag infront of a bull. It just insighted her to attack. When she insulted or criticised me, I'd look at my watch and say, wow, Ive gotta go. I'm going to be late for "fill in the blank." Narcissists dont communicate. So when im in a situation where Im uncomfortable or unsafe, I use my escape plan thats been carefully thought out before the interaction even occurs.
To be honest, that's what i most commonly use too with the abusive partner of my close friend. I avoid him as much as possible, the only times i stop by is if he is away. The rest of the times when we meet accidentaly on the way, "i'm in a hurry because [fill the blank]". I don't want to be around him anymore, and since last domestic violences when he completely lost it and even attacked the witnesses who tried to intervene, a lot of other people cut the bridges with him. Unfortunately not my friend, and i can't let her down. That's why i'm using the same kind of strategy as you with her partner.
@@blagjacketteI hope you can help your friend get away from that guy
@@TokyoBlue587 the truth is, nobody else than her can do that. The more you try to help, the less she shares her problems and the more she tries to advocate for her abuser. It's been almost 6 years now, they even have a kid. Friends who pointed out his behavior were cut out from her life. He is getting her away from the people he dislikes and a year and a half ago i became one of those persons too (i stood up for my friend, he didn't like that) so i barely see her now, only when he is away. A month ago we finally managed to encourage her to see a doctor + authorities to show her bruises, and if that day, her abuser didn't got violent towards other friends and neighbors, there would have been no complaint made and no consequences for the abuser. Even after that, and believe me, no more than two days after he beat her, she would say that he regrets so much and find him excuses to prove to herself than he can change. It's a very, very long road.
Let's not forget to set reasonable boundaries
What do you mean
@xoxjelloxox don't put a boundary that isn't reasonable.
Such as i have a boundary that if you use the word "the" around me ill stop talking to you.
@@troyhenry6111 Or a boundary such as, "You can never be angry with me no matter what or I will simply leave."
@@user-th9jt4es5i true
@@xoxjelloxoxset a boundary don't clean the house while I'm watching tv, then proceed to hog the tv 24/7
Also, remember the power dynamic. A boundary is pointless if you can't enforce a consequence.
The whole reason a boundary is perceived as a means of communication is that it allows the other person (party) the ability to not trigger you. As such, that's one less complication, issue, or item of resentment that can be avoided. So that you both can focus on what's really important in the relationship.
As was said, a boundary isn't a tool to control, condition, or punish your partner.
It's just a limitation you've set for yourself so that you feel more safe and secure in the relationship. Plus, by your partner respecting it, it also allows you two to continue building trust.
Exactly! Well said.
Dragon moon- Well said. Unfortunately.... that doesn't work with the narcissistic personality. It does with other people & other type friendships, but not a person with this disorder. I learned the hard way. But I finally learned.
@@americanpatriot7247It works exactly like this with narcissists. They either respect ypur boundaries and you respect theirs, or you're not maintaining a relationship and thus start to make choices to run your own life, whatever that means.
@@KxNOxUTA You must have met or dealt with different "types" of narcissict than I experienced. It was like living in a lesser level of what hell must be like.
This points out my very first thought... this is fine and good solid advice when it comes to partners in a relationship or even siblings or other certain relatives but when it comes to the narcissist being a boss or a parent it doesn't work because of power dynamics... if you aren't inherently equal with them this doesn't work because you don't have much capability to enforce those boundries...
omg, this explains boundaries so well and just made everything click for me. it makes so much sense now, thank you
You leave for 30 minutes, they follow you. The doors get taken off the hinges. Your car keys get stolen. The abuse only gets worse
LIFE doesn't work with a narcissist. They are all abusive, down to their cores. Get out. Run, and never look back
It's because the minute we reflect on our behavior we RECOGNISE theirs and that's what frightens them
Will try this thanks! They drive you mad thinking you're the provlem for flagging up their disrespect. It's funny how when you notice and predict how they'll react, you realise you'll never get them to understand or even apologise. A normal functioning person is actually bothered if they find out they've disrespected someone, and doesn't want the other person to feel that way....
Exactly. That's where a narcissist wants you. Taking their sh*t and not complaining about it. If you complain/defend yourself: "how dare you!?", "why are you so dramatic/rude!?". It will always be something wrong about you.
These types of people are exhausting to deal with. My co-worker is one of these things. After dealing with his insane behaviours for a long time I decided to not engage with him unless absolutely necessary. This boy lost his mind😂 it’s like I was doing something to him. All I was doing was not talking to him or getting in his space. He’s taken to tampering with my food and water. He move my bottle of water and hid it and watched me looking for it. Sicko
Hahaha. “One of these things…”
@sassysid100 ~ You should continue to be careful, especially if he is messing with your food and water. He sounds dangerous to me, but I'm not in your situation. *Make sure* you document everything he does in your work situation, hopefully with other people as witnesses. Be careful!
This is such vital information! No one taught me what it actually meant! I didn't even know about boundaries... I just didn't set out to hurt anyone and was always stunned that they deliberately did things to hurt me.
I just felt that it was something about me that somehow warranted their horrible actions towards me.
Even at primary school I was so quiet and would just watch the other kids running around shouting and confident. Then I would suddenly get a punch in my back from a passing bully. When I was walking home from school a different bully would beat me up. When i was a teenager I was more confident somehow but in relationships I've been really frightened by horrendous actions and threats.
Boundaries...a subject that should be taught to even little kids.
Now I understand why telling my mom what my boundaries are was completely useless. Fortunately, I did sometimes leave. (Then there was the time she followed me into the bathroom & I had to shove her out the door & lock it; then she talked at me through the door. I've come to understand that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.)
I love your videos. They make sense for friendships, family, every type of personal relationship.
Oh my lord, these kinds of invasive and heavy parents. I'm glad to read I'm not alone in having experienced this kind of truly oppressive behavior.
It's good to realise how totally unacceptable and unhealthy such attitudes and behaviors are, from parents especially.
And that we deserve to and always can choose ourselves and all that is good and healthy for us
Upon reading your first few sentences, I thought to myself, her mother is exactly like my mother. And then I read that your mother has BPD -sto did my mother.
Lol, that sounds exactly like my mom.
Disrespectful name calling in a relationship is a no no that deserves permanent break apart. By being present in the relationship means you are agreeing to the narcissists terms.
I hope I meet a man like you: handsome, emotionally available, funny, and kind.
He's doing great work! The information he shares is helping make more people emotionally available & kind (no guarantees on handsome/funny tho😆)
Yeah I told my emotional abuser of a narcissist “How could u hug me and then treat me like that right after, don’t hug me anymore if ur going to treat me like that”. After the second time this happened, referring to the second time I said that after having started to notice this said hug/disrespect pattern, I haven’t hugged him since.
It felt uncomfortable hugging him, like me telling myself “girl, what are u doing?” When I hug him, or let him hug me, I feel like as if I am betraying myself knowing that twice after he has hugged me, it’s like he lowers his behavioral restrictions somehow and decides it’s ok to go off on me now with insults and curse words, and not try to understand, but just hurt and smile while he is doing it, like a conversation btwn us can quickly be turned into (by him) a screaming match where he needs to find stuff to hurt me with, because I am apparently trying to attack him or being a bitch. Yeahhhh his words. Funny how he thinks like a cliche of a man when a speaking of a strong woman, simply speaking her mind, just saying what I need, or saying a neutral or necessary statement that he turned out not to like. Simply because he doesn’t like it, I am then, considered a bitch to him. So me, simply being me, he thinks I am being a bitch, so why would he want to hug me then?, why would I want to hug someone who thinks I am a bitch? and on top of that, he is a bitch to me with all of the other things he has said and done and threatened to do now. No. No. No. When it has led to threats coming out of his mouth now, and him looking very happy saying them, it’s like he has no care of the fallout of his actions, yet he wants to be cool and hang out with me. Whaaaat! That’s a toxic I do not want to be a part of. And it just doesn’t make sense. He’s lying to himself and I am lying to myself if I think we have a chance of working out in being close or having conversations often, like hanging out. We don’t. I can’t freely be myself. And if I let him think we are cool, then he will let his little guard down that helps him behave, and he will then be mean 1st (which he most likely is), instead of trying to behave 1st so he will try his best to show me that ‘seeeee I can be a civil and nice person, that isn’t mean’.
Yeahhhh so I guess all in all, in conclusion!, 😂 I guess I got fed up, and in my gut, I kind of fell into this boundary and continual establishment of the boundary. It just felt right, because the hug felt so wrong.
Blessing to u all, stay strong willed, true to urself, and kind! And best of luck to u all! 🙏🏼💗
Be free!! He sounds nightmarish.
he Is a little B! leave him -i left with Nothing, u will rebuild.
I went no contact with my dad and it was the best thing for me, no fuel for him to twist. I have peace now
This. A thousand times, this.
I was looking for something like this that would make it clear. However, you need power in a relationship to make setting and enforcement of boundaries to work. If you're dependent on them in some way, for housing, financially, etc., boundaries aren't going to work.
And if that’s the case, don’t complain about them. You made your choice.
So then the goal is stop being that dependent and instead to take the responsibility on your shoulders. The first step of that new life is to look for how to take care of yourself and your resonsibilities.
I did! I set a boundary for one! I ended it with the user..
I blocked him on everything, deleted everything to do with him.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
I believe this is the only thing that works. Narcissist don't change, they just move to the next target / victim.
@@halliadams5987 he sent me a msg 3 weeks ago, 2 months after no response from him. He was sorry, blah blah blah, wishing me the best nothing about pay id or transferring the $50 he took when he was meant to go buy us food and never came back. I made sure, fs that his number was blocked like I thought. The old me would’ve said “that’s ok babe, I understand “ Even when it wasn’t. I read the msg twice, nothing magical about him returning the money after ripping me off yet again. So I made sure to block than delete then delete deleted msgs 😂😂😂
This is so clear and helpful. Thank you Jimmy!! 🏆💯💛
Walking away as opposed to reacting is dissing a narcissist- and my experience has been it will comeback to haunt you in ways you never would have expected. I think if you’re unable to sever ties- kissing up maybe the only way too maintain a degree of sanity with w/NPD family members. They can make your life a living hell!
If people choose to live in dysfunction because they’re too afraid to walk away, they shouldn’t really complain about the narcissist. Because they are just as sick as they are.
This is the conversation you have with yourself before actually dealing with a narcissist but the reality is the narcissist makes it pretty difficult. Best thing to do is stay away from them all together.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
I hate to say this, but reread your message... YOU were in a beautiful marriage. She divorced you, so SHE obviously didn't feel she was in a beautiful marriage. You were getting your needs met, but she wasn't. You were happy, she wasn't.
Think back to whatever concerns she brought up to you leading to the divorce. Did you listen to them and act on them? (If they're valid?) I'm wondering if one of her issues was lack of personal space?
Take the issues to heart, read some books or get some counseling sessions, and try again. You two weren't right together. Work on yourself, and try again.
We ALL have improvements we can make to be better partners. If we don't work on them, we often fall into a pattern of having the same issues in every relationship.
Best wishes!
You have correctly figured out that you are struggling to manage your emotions and are insted having said emotions wipe the floor with you, to put it bluntly.
It seems your ability to process emotions is currently too poor to handle thos well. It sounds like you are trying to suppress your emotions instead of actually processing them.
The presence of a person in your mind is absolutely no reason to not be fine. You can feel love for ppl and move on with life. But this doesn't sound like love. It sounds like obsession and possibly worse: "obsession with own head canon about a person and what you imagine could have been". Ehich has very little to do with an actual partner and everything to do with projecting your needs onto another person instead of learning how to attend to your needs yourself, like an adult.
Sit down and write down what exactly you miss and then start attending to your own needs and build a platonic support system with ppl for social community needs. Which you require regardless of your partnership status. And start mutually entrusting each other with a small portion of attending to each other if you aren't doing any of that yet.
If necessary, get yourself into therapy or even good quality help communities. Avoid all places that fuel negative narratives about women and your partner. Start asking questions what YOUR behaviour was/is/shall be henceforth and make it about your growth and not about her.
Also consider meditation practice in which you learn to observe thoughts and emotions insted of engaging them and drowning in them.
You cannot change or control another person’s behavior, but you can change the way in which you choose to react to it.
I get really tired of hearing this because it puts the blame on the victim.
Try choosing the way you react to a mugger who has a gun to your head.
You can't choose the way you react when you are being held hostage in your own life and forced to behave how they want you to. You can only leave and some people can't do that without fear of being murdered.
The narcissist will use anything they can to control you, its not that you didn't put down boundaries well enough, its that they dont care about them.
@@janedoe6704 My comment isn’t about blaming the victim, it is about empowering the victim, and when possible, not allowing yourself to become a victim in the first place.
In extreme situations, a person is in survival mode so the choice may not come until after they have escaped that situation.
While they are in the situation, they are a victim; but once they escape the situation they become a survivor.
The challenge is in shifting your thinking from one to the other.
Victim is a reactive state of mind which leads one to feel like they are at the mercy of the world around them, while Survivor is a proactive state of mind which allows one to take control over their thoughts, feelings, and actions so they can move forward with their lives.
It isn’t easy to make this transition and some people may need the help of a professional to accomplish this, but it can be done.
If you are not in an extreme situation and are not in danger, then you can choose how to react at that moment.
As you pointed out, narcissists don’t care about you or your feelings. The reason for this is because they lack empathy.
While it may not feel this way when you’re on the receiving end of a narcissists behavior, it is not personal.
To a Narc, every human being is nothing more than an inanimate object designed to be used and discarded.
So you can choose to let them treat you as such or you can choose to walk away.
What we often fail to realize when interacting with a narcissist is that we are not dealing with a normal, rational human being so we get caught up in trying to prove to them that their behavior is harmful; or, worse, we become focused on trying to fix or save them.
A Narcissist is the emotional equivalent of a black hole in outer space. They will never be satisfied and will consume everything in their wake until the day they draw their last breath.
That is what I mean when I say you cannot control their behavior, but you can choose how you react to it. You can choose to walk away. You can choose not to play their game. You can choose not to allow them to define who you are.
If you have trouble doing this, then you may need to examine your childhood programming or internal dialogue to determine what is going on with you. This is also not easy and may require a professional to help you figure this out and find ways to overcome it.
If you are in an abusive situation, I hope you can safely find your way out of it as soon as possible.
If you have found your way out, I hope you can find a path to healing so you can move forward in your life.
I was told, “You’ll regret that. I’ll leave!”
…..still waiting… 😂
This is sooooo true. Narcissistic think they are always right no matter if there is prove of what they have done wrong. It’s a fighting battle always for you to get them to listen…
Happened to me the other day. They hate to be wrong! I finally got up and walked to the truck and left for the day. Work well too, because he didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. Ah…..peace.
I’m starting my practicum as a mental health counselor who will work with individuals, couples, and families. Your content is so helpful for me to prepare how to explain and educate about healthy boundaries and common clinical concerns!
The “punishing them” response. It’s so hard to carry care, love, and respect for someone who is so hurt they take words that even spoken with care, as a weapon, punishment, a put down. They are actually verbalizing what they are feeling themselves while projecting those thoughts and feelings onto the other person. It’s so hard to stay calm but the important thing is to realize they have been hurt. It doesn’t mean they get to treat you without respect and if they don’t want to, or are too fearful of looking at the pain they carry that makes them this way, then all you can do is to set a boundary. It’s an act of teaching them how to respect themselves as much as it is about yours. We all need to care for each other and give time and some thought into how we react ourselves and what does it mean to be a partner who can stand in their own strength in order to see the individual as they are, but NOT to accept behavior when they have no intention of taking responsibility for their actions.
Mindblowing example of what is a boundary
It takes quite a bit of courage to set a real boundary and stick to it. When you are mentally ill with CPTSD from childhood trauma all you want is for that abuser to stop! That makes it hard to remember who you are trying to control. Yourself !!
With various partners I never understood that I wasn't asking them to stop but that I needed to tell them I would stop interacting with them if they continued to abuse me. I finally get it but my current partner seems like my Dad more and more each day. I hope he gets the message because I don't want to leave him.
They never think about how much it hurts you to even set the boundaries more than once.
Exactly! We give and give. You're last points made are absolutely vital. My best friend as a teenager, pointed that out to me. She was very outspoken with hurtful people. She said that, if they had the nerve to speak to her like they did, she had the nerve to speak to them the way she did. Yes, great point!
"but we're punishing them" ... my eyes widened and jaw dropped. I have heard that before. "So I'm being punished?!" Dude that .. that was scary I'm IN that relationship o.o
Be safe.
Same. Just broke up last night. I am worth so much more than to be treated like this. Thank you very much.
These people are dangerous.
For me personally, my boundary is no contact.
I will not tiptoe around these people anymore and even have a conversation about what I tolerate or not.
My life is too short for that.
Me too. Except that sometimes, you don't get to actually go. For instance, i will not quit my dream job because of a narc coworker or else, neither leave my close friend who is stuck in a relationship with her abusive narc. So my boundary is, of course, to avoid the narcs as much as possible, but i can't spend my time fleeing. So, other times, i say hello to be polite and then i focus on work or another activity. And i nourish all my other relationships with care, love and positivity.
I’ve been reading so many videos and watching so many channels and listening to podcasts on how to handle my narcissistic husband and these are so relevant and groundbreaking they’re bringing me to tears. SO PRACTICALLY HELPFUL. THANK YOU. Thank you. Thank you!
Walking away instead of reacting is exactly what you need to do
Preach... I find that frequently, people fail to understand that they only have control over themselves and their own choices.
I appreciate that you discussed the differences between boundaries, requests and demands... Hopefully that will shed light on the differences for some people 😁
My ex husband husband was a narcissist. He will not talk to me and ghost me (though we were living in the same house) for MONTHS, when I walk out of conversation or take time out for 5 mins while he is fighting (basically blaming me for everything). It will drive me crazy. He even didn't talk to me for 3 month for a small fight. Trust me it's not that easy to be in control every single day for months.
Take it as a blessing, I hope you know you can leave and have a more emotionally healthy and peaceful life ❤️
Exactly! They don't care how u feel
Exactly! Once they discover a boundary, they’ll use it against you.
Do not let them know what bothers you. Do not try to reason with them by expressing how their abuse makes you feel. They’ll do it more, not less!
I'm breaking myself down to build something better in its place. I had issues that broke down my relationship with my fiance. I'm trying so hard to be a better individual. It's not an easy process. I have so much to learn still as I continue learning though I become more understanding as to what I did wrong.
After being trampled and devalued to the point it seemed my life didn't exist because of the grandiosity and pervasiveness and overtalking of his- learned grey rock and he stopped talking to me- thankfully- and found himself a monkey branch who would listen- and left. Now No contact divorced and healing. Remembering my own life and accomplishments and validating them that I did live a good life of just as much importance as anyone else's. What a soul-sucking experience to "have a relationship " with a narcissist. By golly I survived!
I know that’s right! Check in with yourself first and no one’s feelings should override your own no matter what 😘🥰💯💃🏽💫
Your work always sorts out these important snarls
That reminds me when I set a boundary with an ex by letting go of their arm and walking ahead. They felt SO ofended that I let go and walked on my own for about 2 meters until we got to our destination. And they made me feel like I was the one on the wrong.
I wish I had your videos back then. That relationship would have lasted way less than it did.
One time I said that I didn't want to eat Annie's cheesy rice with almond milk for dinner and that turned into a breakup worthy argument 🙈
I have been looking so much for people with this mentality because it's exactly like mine, but it's as if 90% of the people out there are narcissists.
I have been cutting narcissists off my life so much that I am down to like 4 people that seem to be chill (but I would cut them off too without a second thought if they turn out to be toxic).
I had dozens of friends and family that I used to allow abuse of when I was a soft teenager (I am now 25).
I am constantly told by everyone that I exaggerate when I completely (or as much as possible) cut contact with them, despite how horrible these people can be towards me, others or themselves, or they cause trouble and then complain to me about the consequences of their own actions and repeat the same mistakes over and over, despite me telling them that there is a healthier way of dealing with relationships or life in general.
But they never listen, It has made me feel so lonely and I would love to meet friends and a partner who shares these views has the mental strength to set boundaries and follow through with them.
It made me so happy that I found this channel, and if there's anyone like me reading this, I would like to be friends!
yes keep going! with this awareness and your age this is great and you'll find your tribe. on the other side. 25 sucks and is the dark night of the soul but you got this!
@@Izz740 Thanks! I'll keep looking for them and hopefully find them soon :)
your pfp, do you play guitar?
@@kiraoshiro9251 Yeah, I try :) I still struggle with more complex stuff but I can play chords and power chords. How about you? :)
@@chuchernaut7419 oh I don't play guitar I play piano for a long time but depression has been a pain so I haven't played or uploaded anything in months
This is one of the best shorts on boundaries and narcissism!
I want to hear this 1000 times every day
Great point! People mistaken consequences for causes a lot.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh... OHHHHHHHHHHHH
You just gave me the information that I wanted from the 5 school counselors I talked to. Instead of just “you can’t control other people”/“the only thing you can control is yourself” you told me what I can do instead when someone does something I ask them not to or does something that affects me, thank you so much, genuinely
Yes!! Control over your own response. Don't worry about hurt feelings. When have they been concerned about your feelings.
Precisely. You don't get to violate my space, feelings and peace of mind for the sake of yours.
This is great Jimmy. Narcissist's don't understand boundaries! 😊💖😇🙏.
The golden rule abour boundaries is that healthy boundaries are inclusive. They provide a set of rules how both individuals can come closer to each other.
What does inclusive boundary mean to you? :3
@@cozymoggele If communicated properly, they allow the other person to respect your boundary, to correct themself and keep building connection with you.
For instance let's say you are in an argument with someone that is heating up. You value healthy conflict resolution where both sides can express their feelings. Thus you set your boundary that you will not be engaged in an unhealthy conflict with blameshifting, screaming and what not. But you are willing to return to it and have emotionally mature communication about it. You allow the other person to come closer on your terms.
That’s one type of boundary, for certain types of people or situations. But no contact is another perfectly healthy, valid, and for millions of people, necessary type of boundary.
@@LittleLulubee I find it really hard to call no contact a boundary at all. No contact is usually the last solution when boundaries don't work. It is a consequence of violated boundaries. It is for self-preservation.
@@nickus51 It seems you misunderstand the term boundary. A boundary isn’t a compromise or negotiation- it’s a firm, inflexible barrier. No contact is the strongest boundary you can have. And for many people, it’s the best and only acceptable boundary.
Excellent points! I never thought to say "If you do this, I'm going to..."
Excellent summary of boundaries! Boundaries are for ourselves not to change them. I know they put some of us through absolute hell. We can look within for our own answers.
She isn't even going to let you talk at all. She will put words in your mouth and keep talking at you until you blow up because you can't continue listening to her insane prattle anymore
My concern isn’t about hurting their feelings. It’s their retaliation because of their hurt feelings. Especially when literally getting away is not an option. Like a work place or living environment. Where you literally do not have anywhere else to go…. Sane people will respect boundaries… most narcissistic people I’ve ever dealt with, not only don’t respect boundaries, but will literally do everything in their power to “punish” me for “punishing” them.
Very well said. Exactly the situation I'm in.
A person with boundaries is like narcissist repellant. The better I've gotten with boundaries the faster I get narcissists out of my life.
He’s so kind to say 30 mins….id just say I’m done. And be done. Especially when you’ve been cordial the whole time…..!
They don’t let up on you and get others involved until you cave or go nuts!
Man I walked away from a project that we were doing because every time I said something he ignored me completely and continued to do the project (wrong btw) without my help. I expected communication and to try to get on the same page.
I asked him one last question, I expressed one last time that I was feeling ignored and dismissed. When he didn't respond AGAIN but still wanted me there to, I don't know, talk crap to me. I walked away and went to the restroom. Like he does. And I went in for 20 minutes I suppose. And the second I get out, I'm being antagonized about walking away. It didn't matter that he was dismissive. It only mattered when I had a reaction. So what? Act like a robot with a narc?
They often use this subtle dismissive or cold behavior to provoke us into losing our temper, so it will look like we’re in the wrong. You did the right thing by giving yourself some time to cool down and of course it frustrated him because he didn’t get the emotional reaction he wanted from you. They feed on us becoming distraught, upset, crying, etc.
Beautifully said we can choose how we react to any situation
Video of the year award. 🙏. So simple but difficult to do I understand. Keep posting 🙍
Lord if you're not going to pay my bills for me then please show me how I'm permitted to do it myself. That will end the need to consider the subjects of boundaries and narcissists. I want to be heard too. 😢
Your bills being paid should have nothing to do with your romantic relationship. Get a roommate. You are literally being paid to take abuse.
@@Kelly_Ben it is a roommate. I gave up on romance long ago.
I wasn’t able to go no contact with my narcissist mother until I got to the point where I just didn’t care what she thought or said about me anymore.
I went no contact and every time a family member tried to push me back in to connecting with her, I simply said, “I’m not interested in discussing this now or in the future. It’s a private matter. So let’s talk about something else.”
If they pushed again, whether in that conversation or at a later time, I just repeated myself. I gave them three chances and on the fourth I figured that they had no respect for my boundaries, so I went no contact with them too.
Most of them respected my boundaries the first time. The ones that didn’t were the relatives that have always been in mom’s pocket anyway and believe every lie out of her mouth.
I just don’t want the additional drama in my life.
@ Annie. Well said. !!!
This is really eye-opening. I always saw my pwbpd as the victim in all of his interactions with people but he is extremely toxic and he doesn't care how he hurts me
Ok this definition of what boundaries are clarified a lot! Thanks doc
Sometimes, keeping yourself Alive is the priority. If you arent in a place where you can leave or enforce boundaries, that's okay. It's a huge emotional toll, as well as possibly physically endangering. You are not bad for "letting it happen". You are not bad for not setting the boundary. You deserve *so* much kindness and compassion. It's okay to give yourself that. You are amazing and lovable and beautiful and deserve so many good things. It's okay if you dont believe that right now. It's like gravity, true no matter what. You got this. Be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. From one survivor to another, Im proud of you 🧡🫂🧡
But then they follow you and continue yelling 🙄
Wow. Needed this reminder!! Thank you!
Exactly. They see your walking away from the convo as being “rude” but also think the hurtful things they say are acceptable.
Narcissists will try to make you believe you are the bad guy, they are very sneaky, its easy to fall in their traps. They will never admit they have a mental problem, dont waste your time trying to explain them your opinion or your pain they will just suck your energy.
If he says I don't like Jimmy on relationships and that he caters to women is that a red flag?
Yes lol...especially with the second.
No, it's the freaking truth. Bro cheated on his wife and turned into a cringy male feminist grifter lol, all he does is pander to his all female audience.
We all know boundaries don't work on Narcs. We can use them to somewhat protect our emotional response but the question is: If you must go to such lengths to have a "relationship" with someone, is that the kind of relationship you want?
This was the most helpful definition of a boundary I've ever heard. Everywhere now people are taking about setting boundaries and I was never clear on what exactly that meant!