Experienced divorce lawyer here. I have seen this play out dozens of times in divorce court. Can you imagine the pain of divorcing a covert narc? They usually "burn the earth" while trying to destroy you. Get educated! Stay safe. Stay single!
@@nicholecornes1915Don't engage. Stay calm and quiet and let your lawyer do their job. It may work in your favor if you stay cool and silent because he might do something stupid that will work in your favor.
10:24 This literally just happened to me. Third date, ended up being in a room together. Few glasses of wine, then the seductive moves came out. Even though I wanted to, I didn't take the bait. Just ended up going to sleep and calling it a night (yeah...I did the gentlemanly thing). Next morning after breakfast...COLDEST shoulder ever. And later during the drive home, the Narc mask slipped big time! Started arguing and being nasty at me over something I said about a song on the radio. The rage did not fit the situation at all. I now realize she was pissed at her failure to hook me. Went on one more date after....and it was the same coldness PLUS nitpicking anything she could to make me feel like I don't do anything right. Game over. Discarded. The old me would have pleaded to let me know how to "fix things". Not this time. I was glad this happened very early on before it got to a point where I could really be hurt.
Yes, it's amazing how it's almost like they all have a handbook. First, grooming, second love bombing, Third testing boundaries, Fourth breaking boundaries, Fifth, gas lighting, Sixth pushing pulling, Seventh, leaving to test how hard you will work to get them back. Eighth, the hoover. Ninth, coming back and going through all the steps again, but much quicker this time and Tenth, the final discard.
@@therealgerbreen I agree with you whole heartedly, only it's been 39 years of marriage for me. I am now in the stages mentioned in her "7 stages of detoxing", wishing that I wasn't. If I could only go back in time and talk to my stupid self...
Soooo accurate and soooo true!!! It's too bad that these women are generally physically attractive and very seductive. The key is to take things slow and be friends at first. If she lures you in with sex, attention, and emotionally gratifying gestures early on: such a red-flag, don't get suckered in!!! Tell her you want to takes things slow and see how she reacts. If she gets offended and turned-off, or ghosts you, you know she just wanted to lure you into some sort of toxic game ultimately geared towards controlling you. If she's ok with it, then see if she is able to maintain her part of the relationship with consistency and friendship. Get to know her and her relationship history and family upbringing. Because once you engage sexually, for most guys (PHIL), it is so hard to get out safely or without being seriously wounded and/or devastated. This has happened to me 2x in the last 6 years. It took 1-2 years for the relationship to end and a good 6+ months after to recover emotionally...big waste of time and emotional energy and probably potentially permanently damaging to your psyche. Don't let it happen to you! These women are like those poisonous exotic frogs in the amazon. Cool to look at, but if you touch them, game over!! STAY AWAY!!!! NOT WORTH IT!!!
Thanks for putting content out there for men. I'm one of those guys who ended up in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD girlfriend who was actively going to weekly therapy. The therapy had started before we met, the relationship still became a nightmare. It played out exactly as outlined in this video. If they are cluster B, do not get involved. I remember thinking that one day she will snap out of her emotions and realize how much I was doing to help her and everything would be ok again. What a foolish thought. There is no positive outcome, there is no rainbow on the other side of the storm. Just leave and find happiness elsewhere. The silver lining of my nightmare relationship is that it cast a light on my shortcomings. I realized that my protector/attachment style was not healthy and easily manipulated. I have been working on my ability to stand up for my boundaries and not be pushed around/manipulated.
Yep. It took me 35years to see what was going on inside of me, she pulled everything out in 1 year and now I know what to do. My luck I am avoidant and didnt end up marrying her 😅
Good to know there are others like me out there. I've been married to her for almost 3 years. I'm still in it, just waking up and trying to go from here. It's amazing what a mess this has become and how I didn't see it sooner.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a protector. Only time its wrong is when you give that gift to an abusive person. My BPD ex was the exact same way.
I think a good discussion video would be, the “self aware vulnerable narcissist” who doesn’t want to permanently discard exes. I think the need to collect and hold on to as many secondary supplies is their ultimate game. They get to have you as a “friend” on their terms. They know every relationship will ultimately end... so they calculate the breakup to leave some string still attached. Their black book of “friends” is their most precious possession.
This sounds exactly like my ex. After I left her she went on to date "a lot" of people none of which she made into a relationship but keeps as "friends." She tried to pull the same on me when I broke down and contacted her again but ultimately gave me the silent treatment when I wouldn't play by her terms and walk on eggshells for her.
@@Jeremy_Sword Interesting; this is what rare, RARE scenario where i am inclined to wanting to bother or torture the narc via doing great or bragging. But intentionally, these people can be slayed with kindness which i find to be interesting. Again, they hate you being indifferent to them also. So those aspects would be pretty neat to utilize. If they just want you for attention and supply, then have them suffer a bit and then leave to make them suffer more lol. Their immaturity wreck them anyways, it's a loss/win/win to you lol and against them.
Self-awareness. That's so hard for me to accept with a vulnerable narc. Yes, some do keep the exes but self-awareness? I don't know. It's not like any of them will say 'in case they come back' or 'if I need that person'. They might feel it, but if they don't express it, how do you know it's self awareness and not just an unconscious safety net?
This perfectly describes a relationship i had with a woman who did untold damage to my life at a very young age. At the end of the 3 years we were together, I had lost most of my friends, had no place to live, no money & no job. I also had a legal case pending against me (which resulted in a criminal record) for something that she asked me/demanded, and helped with (I take & took full responsibility for it & she was not charged for her involvement). Sadly, I saw lots of red flags early on in the relationship but ignored them. I have dated other female covert narcissist/bpd women since then as well. Everything started to make sense after I figured out that my father is a covert narcissist & I was the scapegoat in a highly narcissistic family. Thank you Lise Leblanc for another great video. I only wish this sort of information was available many years ago so I could have avoided all the narcissistic friends, family and partners that I have been surrounded by for most of my life.
Wow. Yeah, knowing that you were raised with someone like this is apparently a big reason as to why you even notice and are initially attracted to them in the first place. "trauma bonds" are what give people that "feels like home" emotion and gets you to lower your guard and overlook the red-flags...So important to recognize, otherwise the cycle is bound to continue...all the best!
@@user-xq5rp9fm1p absolutely. They pick up on wounded emotions, provide a a fake potion and once you are recruited the mask falls off completely but you are too weak to escape … mine was a male bpd/narc… women experience this too
Yes, brothers, heed the warning. If you’re a person of high moral standing, a relationship with a borderline will utterly screw your life after the fact. The discard will appear like a bolt of lightning when you least expect it. Afterwards, I was homeless, broke, friendless, and subject to a false domestic abuse allegation. This outcome is fairly common, and don’t think that it could never happen to you. We are both university educated with respectable incomes. Before I met her I had never been fitter in my life, and had friends galore. It took my many months to physically/emotionally recover after the breakup. If it seems too good to be true, then it is.
@@mangore623This resonates with me so much. My BPD I actually cut off and ended things with after 18 months of insanity. 6 months later she showed up on my doorstep and said she'd been in rehab and was doing so well and wanted back in and I was the love of her life yada yada. Anyways, during that 6 months off I had gotten into the best shape of my life and felt so confident and happy. I was a great, attentive, active single dad to my kids. Needless to say, after taking the bait and taking her back all of that went away and when it eventually ended after rd 2 with her I was destroyed in so many ways: mental and physical health, finances, relationship with my kids, and without any friends as well because she ruined my positive connections to so many people. I did not know any of this Cluster B stuff until the end of our horrible relationship. I am still recovering. They are evil and I have no sympathy for them at all. I don't care if "they can't help it." Psychopaths can't help it either, should we feel sorry for them too? I would advise anyone that is aware that they are dating a woman that has been diagnosed or if you suspect they might be a Cluster B to RUN and never look back.
Dear god woman! Did you have hidden cameras monitoring my last relationship? HAHAHA. Seriously, the way you describe it is like you were there! When you mentioned that after that initial stage of love/sex-bombing there's the one event that give you a hint something isn't right, I'm reminded of New Years day 2022. I honestly didn't want to go out because of the Covid scare but she really wanted to and I capitulated. We were at a club and it was full of people and I said to her that I needed to go out for some air, and so I went, and she flipped on me. She said I abandoned her and we had this big fight where I was bewildered by what had happened. I should have ended it there but I didn't, "she's just reacting to something that happened to her, but I'll convince her I'm different and she has nothing to fear", I thought. Boy was I wrong, that was just the beginning of a year and a half or mental torture and manipulation from her.
We were arguing for hours and hours and I dared to leave the room and sit on the couch in the next room - 'you are the worst, you abandoned me, you do not wish to sort things out'. At the time I was already trapped in her disqusting spiderweb.
It's as if you know me personally with how spot-on this is. When I finally stood up for myself and refused to come to her rescue during an episode (because I was still reeling from the text/phone abuse she dished out in the days prior) she physically assaulted and discarded me on my birthday. Sparing the details I am a grown ass man and was worried for my physical safety that night - the rage really was that bad. Worst birthday of my entire life. I have been in therapy ever since. Talking to a mental health professional has been a godsend in helping me cope with the trauma. Slowly, I am coming back to myself.
I’ve seen episodes of Hogan’s Heroes and sworn the writers went in a time machine to get material from my brother to use for Colonel Klink. Sentences were taken verbatim. The only explanation is the same demons are at play.
I am absolutely reeling at this and the previous video. My buddy has been processing a narc relationship, and the absolute step by step paint by numbers patterns are INSANE. It’s like she listened to his descriptions and retroactively made this video in the past. Insane.
I feel like she watched these two videos and put it all to use. It’s insane how accurate this is. Now I know the only thing I’ve needed to know for 29 years. I am valuable. I wasn’t the problem at all no matter how I lost my temper. Most importantly I get to go on living like the person I always wanted to be. SMH but I’m not wasting any more time, now that I know.
I know now why 2 of my relationships stand out emotionally, it’s because of manipulation…. Boys beware of these ppl… and a massive thanx for the beautifully accurate assessment @lise Leblanc
how on earth do you know all that? never expected to hear that accurate description. all your videos about the covert narcissist are priceless and hit the root of the matter. this is so deep and wise.
Thank you, thank you so much. I am not sure if you know how much you are helping. As a man trapped in a marriage with a narcissistic woman, I can understand and relate to every single sentence in your video.
@@rppope1006, maybe not, if you have really watch her videos, man or not, it sounds like he may already be hooked. That's what the whole point of what narcissistic people do, how they operate and obtain victims. Victims that may or may not be willingly going along with the relationship.
Lisa, I just wanted to sincerely say Thank you for making your videos, Especially this one. I have watched endless hours of content on narcissism and your videos are unbelievably accurate to the scenarios and words I have been through. Although it’s too late for me, your words help me to understand that I’m not alone in this situation. At 50, I honestly thought I could read people’s motives better than most, but in reality I’m just a fool. I hope more young men stumble into this content so they are somewhat prepared for women with this type of order. This has been the most devastating event of my life. Surpassing the death of my father and other tragic events. I think it’s due the self worthlessness and absolute feelings of not being enough for someone when you know you gave 110% of yourself. But I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s never enough. Looking back when I told her I didn’t know what more to do or say to her, it was the beginning of the end. She knew she had used me up and needed to find fresh supply. Anyway Thank you again
Going through the withdrawals now, about a week in after 4 years together. It really hurts, I feel so much confusion and regret, but I’m staying strong and holding out hope that things will get better and a healthy, loving relationship is out there for me. Hearing all of this from you is extremely validating. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, you’re doing a great service for those out there in similar situations. ❤
Hey Ethan, I hope you're doing well and are starting to get your life back. I'm in your boat as well. I'm going on a month and a half since she left me (for the third- and last time), and all this time I've been bewildered, trying to find answers that didn't exist. But indeed finding these videos from Dr. Leblanc was exactly what I needed. It put everything into context and brought clarity to what happened. Our exes clearly have a disorder, and I hope they get help but doubt they ever will. Either way, we can rest our thoughts now knowing it was not our fault. Best of luck to you.
It will definitely get better, but I would suggest NOT getting into another relationship for a good while. It also happened to me after a 5 year relationship. It was so painful and I was completely confused. At times I felt like she left because she thought I didn't love her. So, I felt a lot of guilt thinking that I did something wrong and that I was the problem. It took two years for the smoke to clear completely. The first year was the absolute worst and I would cry like a baby all by myself. Time heals all wounds. After the first year you'll have extended periods of feeling better only to relapse for a little bit. That stops happening and before you know it you can't even remember their face. They WILL try to hoover you and that can come years after they are gone. Right now, they are doing it all over again to some other guy. They will spend 3 to 4 years with the new guy or maybe not that long and they will begin the discard process with him. While they are planning to leave this guy that's when they hoover YOU. They need someone to temporarily fill in until they can find another source of supply. Never take that bait no matter how much you want to. This will be your most vulnerable moment, because they already know you and know to say the things you want to hear to lure you back into their web. Just don't speak to them period. That's just my experience.
Good advice about not getting into another relationship right away. Yes, it's weird that the pain kind of vanishes when it's ready. It's not a predictable and gradual slope back down to normal. @@desertweasel6965
5 years for me, I brought up a very real problem I had and she threw a temper tantrum on me and ghosted me even with my receipts of her actions. That was the final straw
5 years for me, I brought up a very real problem I had and she threw a temper tantrum on me and ghosted me even with my receipts of her actions. That was the final straw
I seem to have been the perfect PHIL for her. We just ended eight and a half years together, and I am feeling absolutely free. The steps you described are all there, I was her person, her best friend, the only one who really understood the things she was going through, etc. I had no idea what was going on, the initial part of the relationship was slower than most, but that is because we live a distance apart from each other, so it built like I would want to build a relationship. I really don't think she is doing this with intent, she was in a couple of car accidents and has a TBI. Her symptoms really mask the covert narcissism, I truly believe she is unaware of her disorder. She has random meltdowns and I try to comfort her and soothe her through them. This allowed me to be the Protector, the Hero, and I just relished being there for her. But inevitably, I could never quite be enough, I would improve, I would placate, I would change my life a little bit, but it just never was enough. A few days ago, I really pondered upon the situation, and I realized that I would never, could never be enough. I was running a race where the finish line keeps moving just a little further away. That realization made me feel like a ton was removed from my shoulders, and I am free. Her manipulations are powerless now. This is the final breakup, and I have set a firm boundary for our interactions. The one thing I am truly grateful for is that she never made me get rid of my friends, and she actually became friends with them. I'm certain that we will do things together in the future, but it will be strictly as friends, the door to a romantic relationship is finally and permanently closed.
Why would you want this person as a friend? They agree to that so they can continue to derive benefits from the relationship, as they are incapable of reciprocal respect.
I lived this script to the letter! 30 days of ecstasy, beyond any drug high, then a sudden reversal of polarity, and two days later, I failed the minion challenge, and I was discarded like a used Covid mask.I still pine for her, but thanks to your clear explanations, I know I must be very careful not to fall into a deep dark karma trap. Luckily, I'm old enough that I can be grateful that I experienced such an intense romance once again.
Luckily you're old enough? Old enough for what? You will rinse and repeat. Thats the repeating story of your life. Break free from your cuckery . Before you die , else you'll be forced to relive it all over agian.
When you said what H was a lightbulb just went off in my head. I literally said out loud, " what ever happened to that parr of me?". I used to be the type to NEVER give up. I would keep going even when it seemed impossible. I remember before my ex my ambition was so strong that I used to walk 5 miles to work everyday. I had dreams, drive, and I had a spark in my eye. Now I dont feel like I have much of anything left anymore. I rarely even go out the house anymore. I feel like I'm not even a man anymore.
What happened to that part of you was that you struggled and sacrificed, over and over again, only to discover in the end, that it was all futile from day one.
I want to know how you feel now. She traumatised me, humiliated me, abused me and worse.... It's been six months but I still have moments when I breakdown.
Thank you so much 🙏 for doing this for men. Luckily she left me for another person who was 10x more toxic than her. Thank god 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Lesson learned. But this was great tips and clarity because when i was in the relationship I was confused and exhausted from dealing with someone so chaotic. It's amazing the clarity now 🙏❤️
Omg…. Just, wow. This explains in forensic detail, how I allowed my P.H.I.L. characteristics be hijacked and manipulated to the point of insanity and exhaustion over decades of never, ever being ‘good enough’ despite pouring my endless devotion and abundant life energy, into pleasing and appeasing… My brain was split in two, and crushed into soup just trying to reconcile how my loving heart and powerfully gentle heroic efforts, could be twisted into endless accusations of toxicity, smugness, selfishness and ignorance. It’s been two years of confusion and devastation, trying to make sense of the collapse of my confidence and energy. Now that I understand I have been hosting an emotional, spiritual, intellectual, sexual, physical and financially parasitic leech all of these years, I can slowly see my way to start re-building a new self-contained and protected self. Your advice on parallel parenting, is also ‘golden!!’ How I wish I had heard all of this advice 40years ago!
It shouldn't be possible to over respect women, but I'm just a magnet for this type of abuse. Grateful that you have helped me recognize the subtle signs more quickly (besides being cursed out over something simple and insignificant). Now if you all will excuse me it's time for my dose of Grizzly Adams reruns. GOALS!
I was in an unhappy place for a few years, she saw it and came into my life. She used it and did irreparable damage to me and my family. I had no idea what was going on at the time but this video describes it perfectly. I was abandoned at an early age so it's all I ever wanted to matter to someone and she played on it so well. Funny that my name is Phil.
This describes my relationship and aftermath with the "love of my life" over the last year to a scarily accurate degree. If I didn't know better I thought you were recounting my experiences directly as inspiration. It's both a relief and heartbreaking to watch this.
Thank you so much for this. There are so few male-specific resources out there, especially for mental health situations like these. Most of the support groups, etc. are either female-specific or for "everyone" but all seem to be 90% women anyway. These are all important, but men experience this abuse differently and it's rarely recognized and addressed. These videos have been a tremendous help for me. Once again thank you for recognizing this and providing information that hits a little closer to home for me.
Lise, thank you very much! Your channel is the best there is to help men in these abusive relationships. And I have watched hundreds of hours of it (as you predicted in another video). I got out of a relationship like this 3 months ago, in one of the down cycles, already without strength. It took me a long time to understand what was happening. Your videos brought me the light. I'm still suffering and there are days that I almost go back, but I've been holding firm in the detox and your videos help too much. Again: thank you very much!
You are phenomenal. The depth, thoughtfully explained here- you broke down the whole experience, in a very simple, yet, very cognitive manner that helped me better understand it as an experience- rather than the chaotic mind fuck, that it was. I just want to say thank you, for the way you conveyed your knowledge. You did so, non judgmentally (because some people dont know that theyre doing these things), but in a way thats step by step in allowing BOTH sides to be validated, and true, just as they are. Thank you for that
You are amazing! You have changed my life and the projectory of my healing from long and agonising to mature, insightful, logical & healthy!!! Really, you are amazing, and thank you - I am a extremely happy, young professional & your insights & physiological advise has aided in me seeing this for what it is & releasing from the abuse trauma & moving on & then connecting once again to the man I used to me... now more informed, wise & stronger for the way! Once again Thank you ❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much Lise. This describes with agonizing accuracy the experience I’ve just been through over the past 9 months and was just reconsidering opening myself up to again last night. I’ve just moved to the other side of the country to close the distance of what has been a very difficult relationship thinking (hoping) that was going to make things easier. It hasn’t. I left my friends, family, job and familiar environment behind, drove for 5 days from one side of Australia to the other to end up staying with some very kind friends I have over here after spending two nights at my partners house and then realizing I had to get away. I have been in a psychological and emotional tail spin that has been unbelievably painful and confusing. Your videos have so clearly articulated the hellish and devastating experience I’ve just been through and helped me understand why I felt so attracted & committed. Thank you for the clarity 🙏🏼
11:48 This example you gave has happened to me countless times. It would play out out exactly as you described with the silent treatment, refusal to engage, then finally the ridiculous, overblown false accusation. Thank you for putting this extremely helpful information out there. This has provided me with so much validation.
Thank you so much Lisa🙏 You opened my eyes to catogerice my feelings of loss, hot-cold, unworthyness,needy behavior and so on! What you are describing is almost 100% what I’ve been through, doing all the things that I thought were important to win her back emotionally. But in return I felt her growing indifference! It ended in a breakup a month ago. That same day she moved into the house of her new man, biting away his spouse he was in a relationship with. She tried to attempted to hurt herself 5 days later! I felt the emotional distance growing for over a year, not noticing that this was a tactic 🤦🏻♂️Now I am trying to get detached and heal. As you said it takes time and I believe this is very important! Just trying to find my way through the fog of confusion. Your video is so helpful to understand the dynamics. I don’t blame anyone, except myself for not knowing what was about to happen, losing myself and my identity just to stay in that relationship! Thx🙋🏻♂️
Amazing advice Lise! I have experienced all of this in the last few months. Your presentation, advice, and knowledge is deeply appreciated. So good ! Thank you.
Wow! This happened to me exactly like this! I got out at the 9th month and it continued for a 1 year cycle. 2/22 - 2/23. I'm still trying to strengthen and recover. And I've been studying human behavior for about 15 years now. Wow! And thank you!
Mask slipped and exact same thing happened with the waitress that you describe. The literal exact same thing. It was at our celebratory dinner the day we got keys to our apartment. I was so excited for us and she turned into someone I didn’t know or know how to handle. Accusing me of sleeping with the waitress I was so bewildered. Then at the apartment she banged her head against the wall and went hysterical screaming and cussing at me and wearing a blanket. I was devastated lost and confused. It was supposed to be our night of glory. She even moved across the country to be with me. Why would someone do that? I loved her so much. I never gave up, but I didn’t know anything about personality disorders. Until she discarded me. That night was just the beginning of the abuse.. I’m still struggling now 1 year since the discard and cheating. How do you know all this stuff?
Besides everything you’ve said, there is another kind of abuse, the triangulation, that can go real substitution. Then, can happens the coming back, due to disappointment. And then again, the Phil is back again. In the peak of these problems, anxiety can be the worst. Then, nostalgia and depression, and hunger and revolt, all mixed and contradictories, and even, some mimetic atitudes… hell on earth… Then, after a certain time, and knowledge, comes a certain control, but, the damage seams to affect a new restart, and the coming back is always there, calling. Big issues. Thank you so much Lise!
Thank you.. It is so nice to hear a female talk about other females.. It seams like my pattern is a little different.. I seam to get the HOT/COLD.. They show that they are interested and then run towards someone else or ghost me.. There is definitely a RUN/CHASE thing happening.. One thing I have noticed multiple times with multiple people is that after I move on to someone else then they get jealous.. Specifically when someone else shows interest in me..
Lisa’s videos are the most accurate and enlightening I’ve watched during this last month after my wife left. She describes it perfectly. Most content on the subject seems to be focused on male narcs. And on the spectrum of narcs. Female covert narcissism isn’t focused on as much. This is valuable, because I’ve spent a month trying desperately to make sense of the trainwreck of trainwrecks that is my two month marriage. I have known her for 5 years.
Dr. Lise. you made a distinctive and very insightful representation. I applaud you for your excellent work in this video. I've been searching and educating myself about narcissism for the past 4 months, however, not obsessively. Yet, by providing me with a retrospective view and analysis, you hit the nail on the head. I'm speechless. God bless you
Watching this video is so very helpful. She described exactly what happened to me and exactly how it made me feel. Exactly. These are the words I needed to hear and I’m thankful that I found them. I’m devastated and terribly hurt but I know it will get better with time.
The weirdest thing Lise, the love bombing was same as described with my BPD ex husband, men do the same…. Warning to strong, resilient women, just because you can handle stress does not mean you need to live a stress filled life… the intensity was sickening, I felt ill even in the first few weeks of the relationship, it was like I was being infected by a virus.
This is the best video that I watched on this topic. This is so practical, I mean, this explains in a very practical intuitive sense what is going on. Thank you so much!!
So helpful. Your suggestion to "find a professional" is great advice but not so easy. So few therapists seem to get this situation or want a patient to "just move forward" without gaining the understanding of what happened and how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy connections, strategies, and behaviors. For example, it's way easier to fall for love bombing when you've never heard of such a thing. If it wasn't for videos like this, I'd be trying to just move this experience to the back of the refrigerator instead of growing from it Painful but well informed awareness is a better way through, than just CBT or EMDR. I appreciate hearing that it can take months, since so many friends and "professionals" are like, "Hasn't it been five months now? Are you still thinking about that? Just get back out there!" Thank you for the tools!
11:45.. WOW.. this happened to me EXACTLY at a restaurant... "I'm not used to waiting this long for a table" she says.. I go and speak to people to try see if our table is ready... A waitress talks to me briefly and then leads me to our table, I grab her and our drinks from the bar where I left her and tell her our table is ready... we sit at our table... Dark clouds are over her face and I can see something is wrong... "My exes would NEVER have treated me like that'.. I ask what I've done... apparently I was laughing and joking with the waitress and I winked at her when we sat down at the table... she decides she's not hungry anymore so after making the reservation and speeding up our table... we end up leaving literally 2 mins after sitting down.. I'm completely baffled as to where this outburst has come from and what I've done and who this person is.. this is not the same person I am in love with, maybe I did do something inappropriate but everything has happened so fast I'm still trying to process it all and run it through my mind what exactly I did.... we go back to the hotel (I'm in HER country - a LDR - and don't know anyone) and she says she wants to go home by herself, making me plead with her not to go.. still baffled as to how I can make right something I never even saw or did... She then proceeds to leave the hotel and walk out into the night of the city and tells me there's plenty of other girls I can find.. I'M IN THIS COUNTRY TO SEE HER!!... she refuses my calls, when she does answer it's abusive.. about 1 hour and a half later she comes back, apologises, tells me she went to a bar and some barman tried to pick her up....and then tells me she wants ME to make love to HER... WTAF!?!? After all that I am just in a complete state of shock and confusion... never have I experienced that with anyone.. but as time goes on.. you learn to put up with things that deep down you know are not normal...all because of the dream you were sold at the start... I was utterly unaware of personality disorders back then... That incident then trained me how to talk to people of service (even though I used to work in the service industry too, it's not hard to be nice to those serving you) in front of her.. JUST. IN. CASE.. they are incredibly manipulative people.. and really toy with your good nature.. Wishing love and fortitude for those escaping this treacherous scenario...
@@borgencorgenforgen its literally insane but only after we realise what is going on much later down the line do we realise how much we tolerated all under the name of "love" with these cretins..
Miss Lady, 👏 spot on... I have been researching this topic... by far you're the best, not taking anything away from those I listen to. My wife is all of the above
Your videos have saved me months of withdrawal! You have described my relationship with my exGF in excruciating detail and made it sooooo much easier to understand what happened to me. I truly believe that you are doing God's work!
You pretty much nailed it. I been learning quite a bit about BPD, and narcissism. I believe I finally got rid of my ex wife (narc) permanently. I feel bad for the daughter.
Lots of thanks to you,,,Lise ! You are a pain killer to men who have been injured by pwBPD friend. EXTEREMELY ACCURATE Analysis...So insightful...Thank you once again.
This is the best material I've seen thus far Dealing with the female narcissist Perspective. I can see how my life had played out in the past It's Like you're narrating my Experiences with the person that I was entangled with.
It’s been 9 years since my relationship ended and I still have strongly mixed feelings about narcissists. On the one hand, I feel for all of the innocents who find themselves in a relationship with these monsters. (Hopefully they will all find Lise’s videos) On the other hand, I actually do feel some compassion for the narcissist. It’s not their fault they were born without the ability to experience affective empathy. They can never feel that deep connection with other humans which enables us to experience deep and enduring inner peace and tranquility. Without this, they have to rely upon drugs and all manner of unethical tactics to increase their confidence that their needs will be met. Life without affective empathy must be an unbearable hell. One day we will find a way to compensate for the brain physiology they were born with so that they can experience affective empathy. Then we can put an end to all of this suffering.
I think narcissism is often a result of trauma not just genetic brain physiology. But I agree with everything else you said. It's really good to be empathetic and generous towards others as you seem to be. If people were like that more, maybe our world wouldn't be as fucked up and full of pain.
@@spaceowl5957 It depends what you mean by “narcissism”. When I say ”narcissism”, I am referring only to the underlying inability to experience affective empathy owing to insufficient gray matter in the left anterior insula. Trauma-related loss of empathy is a different phenomenon. The traumatized individual retains the ability to restore empathy when the trauma has been overcome. The Buddha said that avijjā (denial) is the root cause of all suffering. But some truths are so horrible that turning towards them is too much to bear. Yet, if we do not, our suffering will only intensify. The path to the total end of suffering consists largely of patiently but persistently turning towards uncomfortable truths and opening to them. Why does this work? Because if we have the courage to see the world the way it actually is, we can actually SOLVE difficult problems. If narcissism is caused by a lack of gray matter in the left anterior insula then we can probably cure it completely by simply adding a little gray matter to the left anterior insula. I have been told by a reliable source that this is being explored by some of the best neuroscientists. Heal the sick. Cast out demons. If it works, this will completely change the world in ways that most people cannot fathom. No more war. No more crime. No more zero-sum game playing. This is the establishment of the Kingdom of God on earth.
I'm still shocked three years on that I'm hearing EXACTLY the scenario I went through, time and time and time again. With my ex it began with the gentlest critique of the ay she treated her friend. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable for her friend, being the empath I am. It went rapidly downhill from there leading inevitably to my discard. That day I didn't even recognize the woman who had supposedly loved me the day before. I was suddenly a worthless thing, a single shoe, something to be thrown away.
I do not know if you still come to see the comments Lise, but I need to tell you thank you. I am 3 years in a relationship. Something was off right from the start but not enough to act on it. The cycle started slowly and the frequencies of arguments which were always based upon me having to prove something to her. // But after a series of them I started to feel something was wrong with me so I seeked help. I learned of my ADHD, and from it I was able to work on myself to repair or fix if you want those damaged parts of myself. I was able to forgive and love many things and myself. I started from there a path to empower myself, lost tons of weight, trained hard, eat right. As I was getting better this is where the cycles started to become more intense and the 'ill drop a bomb out of nowhere' moments started to increase as well. It feels as if something my partner do tries so much to keep me in a weakened state but in vain. I started to not go for the traps and bite the baits. But not biting comes with consequences. I do realize now that my partner seems to be very empty inside and the "never good enough me" has to fill an bottomless cup that cant never be filled no matter how many little good things happens. As of now, I am struggling. I try so hard to just keep steering in the direction of being the best version of myself amidst the unintentional abuse. I started removing some powers from people's hands such as not letting them define me and it helps a bit to go through it all. I find it very hard that I am the one going through loads of therapy and have to take pills at night just to sleep and not feel overwhelmed by the constant anxiety. But I understand that in the end its not because I am the problem. There IS a problem though and it needs to be taken cared of. I hope this message gets to you. Your video shed some light and validated it all. I am at the point where I no longer even try to fill that cup, I feel like a spectator of it all, living somehow dissociated from the relationship while still keeping alive the never ending cycle that creates lots of distress in me. Ironic, feeling stronger by the day yet being so weak when it comes to the right thing to do. Like you say, its not necessarily intentional on her part and I cant deny my reactions starts to increase in intensity over time... but there is accountability thats needed. Not decisions, but actions needs to be done. I will check more of your content. Again thank you for taking that precious ressource we call time to help others.
Thanks for sharing your experience! It sounds like you’ve made a ton of progress but it sounds as though you still have some big decisions to make. I wish you the best of luck on your path forward
This was my ex fiance. We were together for 5 month's the last 2 months I've had a concussion the mind f was almost criminal. Kind of a blessing in disguise that theirs therapists at the clinic I'm going to. Theses videos help so much too. Thanks for your work
There is not treasure there is blameshifting. Opt out of the drama triangle. Silence can help on your part. They try to get you to do all slow it down,do less.
Could you please consider doing a video on The " Falsely empowered co-dependent ". Excellent videos, empowering many to stand in their power and take back control on their lives life..
With some of the personality disorders that you have been describing in your videos. I am going to suggest this movie to one of my professors in psychology, and maybe you could look into this movie too. It’s called, “a streetcar named desire“. In fact, the individual in this movie named “Blanche“ matches the pathology underneath some of these personality disorders. In other words, I think they should remake this movie to make men aware of manipulation tactics by individuals with personality disorders.
18 months in this nightmare. And wow. Finally i understand why I can’t get away from this junk. Thank you so very much! Now the trick is getting away with as little collateral damage as possible. Somehow. Hope you have a Video on how to escape successfully from all of this junk.
Unfortunately, you'll probably have to ride this one out. You are already in the web. You're gonna have to go through all the crap and final discard. You could discard her, but if you are like any normal person that is not an option. We have too much empathy and it is not in our nature to discard people. Once she discards you the first time, this is when you make your escape. She'll try to come back (hoover), but this is where you turn your back, block her number and social media, get rid of all pictures or any items she had and go through maybe a few months of pain. In a year you'll be so happy you did and it will also give you a really positive outlook on yourself. This is just my opinion.
God bless you for these videos. After 3 years i feel like i got lucky to get out when i did. But my God did it take its toll on me and leave some hard mental hurts and some deep trust issues. It finally ended 3 weeks ago and this has by far been the hardest break up. Ive stood my grpund and kept strong and i have you to thank. You literally explained her to a T. I truly cant thank you enough for all your help and information ❤
this describes my last 3 years. we were "together" for 2 and a half years and broke up 6 months ago but maaaan, it was a hell of a ride, I swear. I never ever lacked women attention so it was pretty hard for me to bond to her when she started acting up but I was stupid enough to build a business with her...my God what I've wished now to listen to my intuition because I didn't agree in the start but she somehow convinced me. I've been abused for more than 2 years, all vacations were a living hell, she didn't work and neither let me do it until we were broke almost. In our last argument she compared the fact I've asked her to send 1 email with a rape... I've called the police show the proof for the abuse she put me through and she got arrested and forced to move out of the house. After all my friends, keep in mind MY FRIENDS, I have brought here in the group turned the back on me and took her part. So here I was, alone, broke, with absolutely no one to speak for the past 6 months where I've been in the biggest withdrawal of my life. I could never believe this is possible, to think about someone NON STOP for 6 months straight, they do something to you that is out of this world. I was such a fool to believe her in the start that she is victim. The "relationship" took so long because from the start I showed her that I will not put up with any form of disrespect and almost kicked her out of the house first time she screamed at me of of nowhere but I believed her it was an "accident", 2nd time same story and from that moment on it was a constant struggle to stay sane. Now that the withdrawal is at its lowest I still think of her but there are no more feelings involved, no more pain, no more regret, nothing. She is already in another relationship and moved with this guy after a few weeks of dating, my heart goes out to him as he is probably thinking he met the women of his dreams, but very soon it will be turned into a living nightmare. "Funniest" thing is that one of my best friends (I'm 33 we are friends since we were 4 Y.O.) experienced something similar with a girl and first time she met her and I've start to tell her about how fast everything progressed and how intense she is, my friend said this, "MATE, RUN! please believe me she will destroy all your peace and mental health, please RUN from her, this is not healthy." of course I said, I can handle it and I did, but with what cost? I've almost turned white in my early 30's. So, here is my message for anyone dealing with a Cluster b person. RUN RUN RUN, I know it will be hard but believe me, it will be harder later, literally I've been for 6 months of hell since the breakup, it will destroy your peace and mental health so please RUN away, faster the better. I will everyone going thru this to stay strong and eventually you will heal.
Your story sounds (and feels) very, very familiar. They seem to live life by a playbook which is why it feels like Lise is speaking to us directly and telling our story from our shoes. I'm sorry, man. I hope you're doing better.
@@XanderSlocum It's shocking right? How can all of them act in the same way, mind blowing. I'm doing well, thanks God I;m doing very well. I'm in the best physical shape of my life almost saved my business (she is out), my emotional state is probably 75% so I'm on the right path. All my friends called me before Christmas and apologised taking her part and it felt good, not gonna lie, they saw her for who she is. I've blocked her on all social media from day 1, deleted every picture, threw away all gifts so the healing is doing very well at this time. She is still reaching out with some bullshit from new email addresses from time to time and she is stalking my instagram stories from fake accounts that I block on a regular basis but recently I give up and I'm letting her do what she wants. The best thing of all this she made my friends believed I'm a horrible human being and they forced her to move on to someone else =))))))) otherwise I would have been in the same situation. I swear if she would have tried to come back from month 1-6 I would have taken her back... I was so low and in so much pain that I would have hopped on the roller coaster for 1 more time to get my fix. In the end my friends saved me :)))))) with the wrong intention but they made her move on after all which I was unable to do. I really hope she will eventually stay in therapy and will get her life in place as she is a 10/10 on looks so it's sad to see so such a waste. I hope you are doing well at this time as well.
@@ionvitan8964 I'm happy you're doing better but I'm really glad she didn't try to come back. My experience showed I lacked the willpower and resolve to resist her. She's come back many times over the last couple years and I still struggle - a LOT - to this day. Stay up, King. Keep making the world a better place.
@@XanderSlocum I'm sorry to hear about this. But again, I'm no different. I did a million compromises for this "relationship" but the one that I will never go over is my women sleeping with another man and take her back, I will never in 1 million years could take her back after this. If you are in this situation please put this as a standard as if she is going to other man and comes back you are always the second option and she will treat you like such for the rest of days. there is a video that actually helped me big time to move on, like it happened so fast, it almost scared me that there is something wrong with me. HOPE is the most dangerous feeling and it will keep you stuck. No, she will not change and if you somehow force her to go to therapy (I DID) she will become more and more aggressive and she will hate you even more, based on my experience.
@@ionvitan8964 Thank you! I don't *believe* she did anything like that but after pulling off the veil of all the bizarre behavior and lies ... who really knows? Why keep all these messages and SnapChats hidden? Why constantly accuse me of messing around or cheating when I'm not if it isn't projection? Makes you question everything.
Thank you for your videos! They've opened my eyes to what happened with my ex and made me understand that I dodged a bullet with a woman I recently dated!
Wow, as a woman under a covert male that totally convinced me I was the problem this behavior is no different between the sexiest. The one statement here gave me chills. He cheated, I caught him, he turned around and used the statement, you’re controlling me & you better figure it out now and stop acting like it. Totally caught me off guard and I totally went into fawning and freezing at the same time. I think the infidelity always is there & the reality hits you with a thousand screams. I did the same thing trying to fight and say hey I love you. 😞 No contact now for a year. Finally healing emotionally & finding my Authentic self.
From the bottom of my heart: Thank you for these videos. I actually might start searching for Men's abuse-survivor's groups to help get my mind and my life back together after several years of chaotic up-and-down, back-and-forth, on-and-off narcissistic abuse from my ex-girlfriend... It will take time, but I will find my worth again.
I had the luck to be able to recognise that there was something wrong with our relationship. I want no contact without explanation (something that is extremely hard as a PHIL!) in Juli 2022. We are colleagues and the situation tears me up insidesince then because I have to meet her ever day at work and we must act like as if everything was all right. It's hard but your videos are a real blessing to me. Understanding the issue gives me the strength I need to stay strong. Thanks! :-)
20 years ago I read a book called 'Everything Men Know About Women' by Dr. Alan Francis. Excited I was! finally I quickly started to read. Everything on the book is so true! all 128 blank pages of it. Best book I've read. 😄
Oh wow is all I've got to say because PHIL is the exact thing that I am. I am that entire acronym and like you said, at her worst she uses it against me. Triangulation degradation lying all the above the sexual manipulation to hit it all my very vulnerable spots. The spots that I pride myself in. She'll tell me that she doesn't trust me, but but then tell me that I'm the only one she can ever count on the only one that has ever been there for her. Just over the top spot on
I work with a women who tried to draw me in, but what she doesn't know is I have been watching your videos for years. I now keep her at a distance and go no contact. I dodged an artillery shell, but her ex husband wasn't so lucky.
Hard to catch if you are inexperienced and have a good heart. I realized I was in one of those relationships one day when my own phone voice recordings exceeded 200 and written notes in “examples” folder on iPhone hit 224. That’s the day I went on a self reflection mission. It did wonders after listening to about 900 videos on NPD and BPD. Thank you Lise.
Hey let’s be real, gay men, bisexual men, downlow men do this shit too! And Lise is so on point about not realizing the danger is so real until you get out!
Yes, I am such a protector and integrity person that is loyal and loving and I finally divorced my wife after 12 years as I was sick and tired of her narcissistic way of life that had nothing to offer for me in the end.
It was exaclty like that. After 5 years still the mental wounds of being emotionally manipulated do make my every day life hard but no joke i can almost read minds now, follow your insticts and dont imagine things
Experienced divorce lawyer here. I have seen this play out dozens of times in divorce court. Can you imagine the pain of divorcing a covert narc? They usually "burn the earth" while trying to destroy you. Get educated! Stay safe. Stay single!
I'm separated with one what do I do
@@nicholecornes1915Don't engage. Stay calm and quiet and let your lawyer do their job. It may work in your favor if you stay cool and silent because he might do something stupid that will work in your favor.
I am going through it now ... I am sure you understand , I can't tell you everything she did but it destroyed me .
What I learned: that some people have destructive personalities, and I want to ensure, 1) I'm not one of them 2) avoid them.
10:24 This literally just happened to me. Third date, ended up being in a room together. Few glasses of wine, then the seductive moves came out. Even though I wanted to, I didn't take the bait. Just ended up going to sleep and calling it a night (yeah...I did the gentlemanly thing). Next morning after breakfast...COLDEST shoulder ever. And later during the drive home, the Narc mask slipped big time! Started arguing and being nasty at me over something I said about a song on the radio. The rage did not fit the situation at all. I now realize she was pissed at her failure to hook me. Went on one more date after....and it was the same coldness PLUS nitpicking anything she could to make me feel like I don't do anything right. Game over. Discarded. The old me would have pleaded to let me know how to "fix things". Not this time. I was glad this happened very early on before it got to a point where I could really be hurt.
You dropped this 👑
Bravo, detecting that shit was not easy for me
She could have BPD as well.
dang, I fell for it. wish I was you dude!
You dodged a bullet, my friend.
This information is priceless for young men. Looking back I can see the exact moments each step progressed to the next, but I didn’t see it.
Even with this information, it's so hard to see or accept the truth while it's happening
Yes, it's amazing how it's almost like they all have a handbook. First, grooming, second love bombing, Third testing boundaries, Fourth breaking boundaries, Fifth, gas lighting, Sixth pushing pulling, Seventh, leaving to test how hard you will work to get them back. Eighth, the hoover. Ninth, coming back and going through all the steps again, but much quicker this time and Tenth, the final discard.
It's priceless for adult women with a malignant mother too 😊 They all share the same patterns.
I agree. I wish RUclips had been around 20 years ago, I could have learned so much about red flags 😂
@@therealgerbreen
I agree with you whole heartedly, only it's been 39 years of marriage for me. I am now in the stages mentioned in her "7 stages of detoxing", wishing that I wasn't. If I could only go back in time and talk to my stupid self...
10 years of being falsely accused. I'm finally through trying anymore. Done. Great video.
Soooo accurate and soooo true!!! It's too bad that these women are generally physically attractive and very seductive. The key is to take things slow and be friends at first. If she lures you in with sex, attention, and emotionally gratifying gestures early on: such a red-flag, don't get suckered in!!! Tell her you want to takes things slow and see how she reacts. If she gets offended and turned-off, or ghosts you, you know she just wanted to lure you into some sort of toxic game ultimately geared towards controlling you. If she's ok with it, then see if she is able to maintain her part of the relationship with consistency and friendship. Get to know her and her relationship history and family upbringing. Because once you engage sexually, for most guys (PHIL), it is so hard to get out safely or without being seriously wounded and/or devastated. This has happened to me 2x in the last 6 years. It took 1-2 years for the relationship to end and a good 6+ months after to recover emotionally...big waste of time and emotional energy and probably potentially permanently damaging to your psyche. Don't let it happen to you! These women are like those poisonous exotic frogs in the amazon. Cool to look at, but if you touch them, game over!! STAY AWAY!!!! NOT WORTH IT!!!
Thanks for putting content out there for men. I'm one of those guys who ended up in a relationship with a diagnosed BPD girlfriend who was actively going to weekly therapy. The therapy had started before we met, the relationship still became a nightmare. It played out exactly as outlined in this video. If they are cluster B, do not get involved. I remember thinking that one day she will snap out of her emotions and realize how much I was doing to help her and everything would be ok again. What a foolish thought. There is no positive outcome, there is no rainbow on the other side of the storm. Just leave and find happiness elsewhere.
The silver lining of my nightmare relationship is that it cast a light on my shortcomings. I realized that my protector/attachment style was not healthy and easily manipulated. I have been working on my ability to stand up for my boundaries and not be pushed around/manipulated.
Yep. It took me 35years to see what was going on inside of me, she pulled everything out in 1 year and now I know what to do. My luck I am avoidant and didnt end up marrying her 😅
Bro me too. I learned a lot for the better!
Good to know there are others like me out there. I've been married to her for almost 3 years. I'm still in it, just waking up and trying to go from here. It's amazing what a mess this has become and how I didn't see it sooner.
Great comment man
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a protector. Only time its wrong is when you give that gift to an abusive person. My BPD ex was the exact same way.
I think a good discussion video would be, the “self aware vulnerable narcissist” who doesn’t want to permanently discard exes. I think the need to collect and hold on to as many secondary supplies is their ultimate game. They get to have you as a “friend” on their terms. They know every relationship will ultimately end... so they calculate the breakup to leave some string still attached. Their black book of “friends” is their most precious possession.
This sounds exactly like my ex. After I left her she went on to date "a lot" of people none of which she made into a relationship but keeps as "friends." She tried to pull the same on me when I broke down and contacted her again but ultimately gave me the silent treatment when I wouldn't play by her terms and walk on eggshells for her.
Very insightful and rational thought.
@@Jeremy_Sword Interesting; this is what rare, RARE scenario where i am inclined to wanting to bother or torture the narc via doing great or bragging. But intentionally, these people can be slayed with kindness which i find to be interesting. Again, they hate you being indifferent to them also. So those aspects would be pretty neat to utilize. If they just want you for attention and supply, then have them suffer a bit and then leave to make them suffer more lol. Their immaturity wreck them anyways, it's a loss/win/win to you lol and against them.
Self-awareness. That's so hard for me to accept with a vulnerable narc. Yes, some do keep the exes but self-awareness? I don't know. It's not like any of them will say 'in case they come back' or 'if I need that person'. They might feel it, but if they don't express it, how do you know it's self awareness and not just an unconscious safety net?
@Jeff 👆🏽 Very well explained mate! Spot on! 🎯 Thanks
This perfectly describes a relationship i had with a woman who did untold damage to my life at a very young age. At the end of the 3 years we were together, I had lost most of my friends, had no place to live, no money & no job. I also had a legal case pending against me (which resulted in a criminal record) for something that she asked me/demanded, and helped with (I take & took full responsibility for it & she was not charged for her involvement). Sadly, I saw lots of red flags early on in the relationship but ignored them. I have dated other female covert narcissist/bpd women since then as well. Everything started to make sense after I figured out that my father is a covert narcissist & I was the scapegoat in a highly narcissistic family. Thank you Lise Leblanc for another great video. I only wish this sort of information was available many years ago so I could have avoided all the narcissistic friends, family and partners that I have been surrounded by for most of my life.
Wow. Yeah, knowing that you were raised with someone like this is apparently a big reason as to why you even notice and are initially attracted to them in the first place. "trauma bonds" are what give people that "feels like home" emotion and gets you to lower your guard and overlook the red-flags...So important to recognize, otherwise the cycle is bound to continue...all the best!
@@user-xq5rp9fm1p absolutely. They pick up on wounded emotions, provide a a fake potion and once you are recruited the mask falls off completely but you are too weak to escape … mine was a male bpd/narc… women experience this too
I believe this. They can cause you to do things. But they walk away clean.
Yes, brothers, heed the warning. If you’re a person of high moral standing, a relationship with a borderline will utterly screw your life after the fact. The discard will appear like a bolt of lightning when you least expect it. Afterwards, I was homeless, broke, friendless, and subject to a false domestic abuse allegation. This outcome is fairly common, and don’t think that it could never happen to you. We are both university educated with respectable incomes. Before I met her I had never been fitter in my life, and had friends galore. It took my many months to physically/emotionally recover after the breakup. If it seems too good to be true, then it is.
@@mangore623This resonates with me so much. My BPD I actually cut off and ended things with after 18 months of insanity. 6 months later she showed up on my doorstep and said she'd been in rehab and was doing so well and wanted back in and I was the love of her life yada yada.
Anyways, during that 6 months off I had gotten into the best shape of my life and felt so confident and happy. I was a great, attentive, active single dad to my kids. Needless to say, after taking the bait and taking her back all of that went away and when it eventually ended after rd 2 with her I was destroyed in so many ways: mental and physical health, finances, relationship with my kids, and without any friends as well because she ruined my positive connections to so many people.
I did not know any of this Cluster B stuff until the end of our horrible relationship.
I am still recovering.
They are evil and I have no sympathy for them at all. I don't care if "they can't help it." Psychopaths can't help it either, should we feel sorry for them too?
I would advise anyone that is aware that they are dating a woman that has been diagnosed or if you suspect they might be a Cluster B to RUN and never look back.
Excellent description. Works same way with non sexual relationships too. You are either a hero or a villain. NEVER just you.
Dear god woman! Did you have hidden cameras monitoring my last relationship? HAHAHA. Seriously, the way you describe it is like you were there! When you mentioned that after that initial stage of love/sex-bombing there's the one event that give you a hint something isn't right, I'm reminded of New Years day 2022. I honestly didn't want to go out because of the Covid scare but she really wanted to and I capitulated. We were at a club and it was full of people and I said to her that I needed to go out for some air, and so I went, and she flipped on me. She said I abandoned her and we had this big fight where I was bewildered by what had happened. I should have ended it there but I didn't, "she's just reacting to something that happened to her, but I'll convince her I'm different and she has nothing to fear", I thought. Boy was I wrong, that was just the beginning of a year and a half or mental torture and manipulation from her.
We were arguing for hours and hours and I dared to leave the room and sit on the couch in the next room - 'you are the worst, you abandoned me, you do not wish to sort things out'. At the time I was already trapped in her disqusting spiderweb.
Yeah... they always seem to have "been hurt in the past" smh
I’m just coming out of an 18 year marriage. You hit every nail on the head. I finally had enough and called it quits.
It's as if you know me personally with how spot-on this is. When I finally stood up for myself and refused to come to her rescue during an episode (because I was still reeling from the text/phone abuse she dished out in the days prior) she physically assaulted and discarded me on my birthday. Sparing the details I am a grown ass man and was worried for my physical safety that night - the rage really was that bad. Worst birthday of my entire life. I have been in therapy ever since. Talking to a mental health professional has been a godsend in helping me cope with the trauma. Slowly, I am coming back to myself.
I'm so sorry that happened to you..
So many out there are completely unarmed or ill equipped to handle this type of mechanism, this information is invaluable
It’s amazing that these malevolent creepshows are so common that their patterns of abuse are characterized in such detail
I’ve seen episodes of Hogan’s Heroes and sworn the writers went in a time machine to get material from my brother to use for Colonel Klink. Sentences were taken verbatim.
The only explanation is the same demons are at play.
A very sharp observation and unfortunately true
It’s hard to see that there is a formula
I am absolutely reeling at this and the previous video. My buddy has been processing a narc relationship, and the absolute step by step paint by numbers patterns are INSANE. It’s like she listened to his descriptions and retroactively made this video in the past. Insane.
I feel like she watched these two videos and put it all to use. It’s insane how accurate this is. Now I know the only thing I’ve needed to know for 29 years. I am valuable. I wasn’t the problem at all no matter how I lost my temper. Most importantly I get to go on living like the person I always wanted to be. SMH but I’m not wasting any more time, now that I know.
I know now why 2 of my relationships stand out emotionally, it’s because of manipulation…. Boys beware of these ppl… and a massive thanx for the beautifully accurate assessment @lise Leblanc
You are describing my experience all too perfectly. In the end, you end up physically and mentally traumatized. Thank you for sharing your expertise.
how on earth do you know all that? never expected to hear that accurate description. all your videos about the covert narcissist are priceless and hit the root of the matter. this is so deep and wise.
Thank you, thank you so much. I am not sure if you know how much you are helping. As a man trapped in a marriage with a narcissistic woman, I can understand and relate to every single sentence in your video.
You can leave! You are the man, leave now☦️
@@rppope1006, maybe not, if you have really watch her videos, man or not, it sounds like he may already be hooked. That's what the whole point of what narcissistic people do, how they operate and obtain victims. Victims that may or may not be willingly going along with the relationship.
Golden info, Lisa. When you talk about this, it makes me feel like someone cares about me. Thank you for doing God’s work.👍🏼❤️
Thank you for taking the time to express your appreciation:)
Lisa, I just wanted to sincerely say Thank you for making your videos, Especially this one. I have watched endless hours of content on narcissism and your videos are unbelievably accurate to the scenarios and words I have been through. Although it’s too late for me, your words help me to understand that I’m not alone in this situation. At 50, I honestly thought I could read people’s motives better than most, but in reality I’m just a fool. I hope more young men stumble into this content so they are somewhat prepared for women with this type of order. This has been the most devastating event of my life. Surpassing the death of my father and other tragic events. I think it’s due the self worthlessness and absolute feelings of not being enough for someone when you know you gave 110% of yourself. But I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s never enough. Looking back when I told her I didn’t know what more to do or say to her, it was the beginning of the end. She knew she had used me up and needed to find fresh supply. Anyway Thank you again
Going through the withdrawals now, about a week in after 4 years together. It really hurts, I feel so much confusion and regret, but I’m staying strong and holding out hope that things will get better and a healthy, loving relationship is out there for me. Hearing all of this from you is extremely validating. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, you’re doing a great service for those out there in similar situations. ❤
Hey Ethan, I hope you're doing well and are starting to get your life back. I'm in your boat as well. I'm going on a month and a half since she left me (for the third- and last time), and all this time I've been bewildered, trying to find answers that didn't exist. But indeed finding these videos from Dr. Leblanc was exactly what I needed. It put everything into context and brought clarity to what happened. Our exes clearly have a disorder, and I hope they get help but doubt they ever will. Either way, we can rest our thoughts now knowing it was not our fault. Best of luck to you.
It will definitely get better, but I would suggest NOT getting into another relationship for a good while. It also happened to me after a 5 year relationship. It was so painful and I was completely confused. At times I felt like she left because she thought I didn't love her. So, I felt a lot of guilt thinking that I did something wrong and that I was the problem. It took two years for the smoke to clear completely. The first year was the absolute worst and I would cry like a baby all by myself. Time heals all wounds. After the first year you'll have extended periods of feeling better only to relapse for a little bit. That stops happening and before you know it you can't even remember their face. They WILL try to hoover you and that can come years after they are gone. Right now, they are doing it all over again to some other guy. They will spend 3 to 4 years with the new guy or maybe not that long and they will begin the discard process with him. While they are planning to leave this guy that's when they hoover YOU. They need someone to temporarily fill in until they can find another source of supply. Never take that bait no matter how much you want to.
This will be your most vulnerable moment, because they already know you and know to say the things you want to hear to lure you back into their web. Just don't speak to them period. That's just my experience.
Good advice about not getting into another relationship right away. Yes, it's weird that the pain kind of vanishes when it's ready. It's not a predictable and gradual slope back down to normal. @@desertweasel6965
5 years for me, I brought up a very real problem I had and she threw a temper tantrum on me and ghosted me even with my receipts of her actions. That was the final straw
5 years for me, I brought up a very real problem I had and she threw a temper tantrum on me and ghosted me even with my receipts of her actions. That was the final straw
Should be required viewing before going one a first date! Thank you, Lise.
I seem to have been the perfect PHIL for her. We just ended eight and a half years together, and I am feeling absolutely free. The steps you described are all there, I was her person, her best friend, the only one who really understood the things she was going through, etc. I had no idea what was going on, the initial part of the relationship was slower than most, but that is because we live a distance apart from each other, so it built like I would want to build a relationship. I really don't think she is doing this with intent, she was in a couple of car accidents and has a TBI. Her symptoms really mask the covert narcissism, I truly believe she is unaware of her disorder. She has random meltdowns and I try to comfort her and soothe her through them. This allowed me to be the Protector, the Hero, and I just relished being there for her. But inevitably, I could never quite be enough, I would improve, I would placate, I would change my life a little bit, but it just never was enough. A few days ago, I really pondered upon the situation, and I realized that I would never, could never be enough. I was running a race where the finish line keeps moving just a little further away. That realization made me feel like a ton was removed from my shoulders, and I am free. Her manipulations are powerless now. This is the final breakup, and I have set a firm boundary for our interactions. The one thing I am truly grateful for is that she never made me get rid of my friends, and she actually became friends with them. I'm certain that we will do things together in the future, but it will be strictly as friends, the door to a romantic relationship is finally and permanently closed.
Why would you want this person as a friend? They agree to that so they can continue to derive benefits from the relationship, as they are incapable of reciprocal respect.
I lived this script to the letter! 30 days of ecstasy, beyond any drug high, then a sudden reversal of polarity, and two days later, I failed the minion challenge, and I was discarded like a used Covid mask.I still pine for her, but thanks to your clear explanations, I know I must be very careful not to fall into a deep dark karma trap. Luckily, I'm old enough that I can be grateful that I experienced such an intense romance once again.
Luckily you're old enough? Old enough for what? You will rinse and repeat. Thats the repeating story of your life. Break free from your cuckery . Before you die , else you'll be forced to relive it all over agian.
"Luckily, I'm old enough that I can be grateful that I experienced such an intense romance once again." - Yeah - I know that feeling :)
I'm 50, M. I just began watching these videos. I needed this 20 years ago when my marriage began. Thank you so much for this help.
When you said what H was a lightbulb just went off in my head. I literally said out loud, " what ever happened to that parr of me?". I used to be the type to NEVER give up. I would keep going even when it seemed impossible. I remember before my ex my ambition was so strong that I used to walk 5 miles to work everyday. I had dreams, drive, and I had a spark in my eye. Now I dont feel like I have much of anything left anymore. I rarely even go out the house anymore. I feel like I'm not even a man anymore.
How are you doing now?
I am also going through the same phase...
Haven't been out for 5 days now 😢...
same here, man. they really do so much damage with no remorse. hope you are better now.
What happened to that part of you was that you struggled and sacrificed, over and over again, only to discover in the end, that it was all futile from day one.
I want to know how you feel now.
She traumatised me, humiliated me, abused me and worse....
It's been six months but I still have moments when I breakdown.
Thank you so much 🙏 for doing this for men. Luckily she left me for another person who was 10x more toxic than her. Thank god 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Lesson learned. But this was great tips and clarity because when i was in the relationship I was confused and exhausted from dealing with someone so chaotic. It's amazing the clarity now 🙏❤️
Omg…. Just, wow. This explains in forensic detail, how I allowed my P.H.I.L. characteristics be hijacked and manipulated to the point of insanity and exhaustion over decades of never, ever being ‘good enough’ despite pouring my endless devotion and abundant life energy, into pleasing and appeasing…
My brain was split in two, and crushed into soup just trying to reconcile how my loving heart and powerfully gentle heroic efforts, could be twisted into endless accusations of toxicity, smugness, selfishness and ignorance.
It’s been two years of confusion and devastation, trying to make sense of the collapse of my confidence and energy. Now that I understand I have been hosting an emotional, spiritual, intellectual, sexual, physical and financially parasitic leech all of these years, I can slowly see my way to start re-building a new self-contained and protected self.
Your advice on parallel parenting, is also ‘golden!!’
How I wish I had heard all of this advice 40years ago!
Married 25 years of this I never thought evil people like this are real.
It shouldn't be possible to over respect women, but I'm just a magnet for this type of abuse. Grateful that you have helped me recognize the subtle signs more quickly (besides being cursed out over something simple and insignificant). Now if you all will excuse me it's time for my dose of Grizzly Adams reruns. GOALS!
I was in an unhappy place for a few years, she saw it and came into my life. She used it and did irreparable damage to me and my family. I had no idea what was going on at the time but this video describes it perfectly. I was abandoned at an early age so it's all I ever wanted to matter to someone and she played on it so well. Funny that my name is Phil.
This describes my relationship and aftermath with the "love of my life" over the last year to a scarily accurate degree. If I didn't know better I thought you were recounting my experiences directly as inspiration. It's both a relief and heartbreaking to watch this.
God bless you, i never took narcissism seriously until i've had a couple of experiences. I've definitely learned my lessons
Thank you so much for this. There are so few male-specific resources out there, especially for mental health situations like these. Most of the support groups, etc. are either female-specific or for "everyone" but all seem to be 90% women anyway. These are all important, but men experience this abuse differently and it's rarely recognized and addressed.
These videos have been a tremendous help for me. Once again thank you for recognizing this and providing information that hits a little closer to home for me.
Your videos have brought sanity to my world. Thank you so much, Lisa Leblanc.
Had a bad experience dealing with a narc. Your videos are validating for me and a lot of others as well I am sure
Lise, thank you very much! Your channel is the best there is to help men in these abusive relationships. And I have watched hundreds of hours of it (as you predicted in another video). I got out of a relationship like this 3 months ago, in one of the down cycles, already without strength. It took me a long time to understand what was happening. Your videos brought me the light. I'm still suffering and there are days that I almost go back, but I've been holding firm in the detox and your videos help too much. Again: thank you very much!
Wow. What you described was spot on for 7 years. Ty. Please please keep preaching this exact message. Ty!!
You have described my 3 year relationship to a covert narcissist lawyer like a movie script!! Thank you!
Thank you for doing this. The first one has advanced my psychological boundaries.
You are phenomenal. The depth, thoughtfully explained here- you broke down the whole experience, in a very simple, yet, very cognitive manner that helped me better understand it as an experience- rather than the chaotic mind fuck, that it was. I just want to say thank you, for the way you conveyed your knowledge. You did so, non judgmentally (because some people dont know that theyre doing these things), but in a way thats step by step in allowing BOTH sides to be validated, and true, just as they are. Thank you for that
You are amazing! You have changed my life and the projectory of my healing from long and agonising to mature, insightful, logical & healthy!!! Really, you are amazing, and thank you - I am a extremely happy, young professional & your insights & physiological advise has aided in me seeing this for what it is & releasing from the abuse trauma & moving on & then connecting once again to the man I used to me... now more informed, wise & stronger for the way! Once again Thank you ❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much Lise. This describes with agonizing accuracy the experience I’ve just been through over the past 9 months and was just reconsidering opening myself up to again last night. I’ve just moved to the other side of the country to close the distance of what has been a very difficult relationship thinking (hoping) that was going to make things easier. It hasn’t. I left my friends, family, job and familiar environment behind, drove for 5 days from one side of Australia to the other to end up staying with some very kind friends I have over here after spending two nights at my partners house and then realizing I had to get away. I have been in a psychological and emotional tail spin that has been unbelievably painful and confusing. Your videos have so clearly articulated the hellish and devastating experience I’ve just been through and helped me understand why I felt so attracted & committed. Thank you for the clarity 🙏🏼
11:48 This example you gave has happened to me countless times. It would play out out exactly as you described with the silent treatment, refusal to engage, then finally the ridiculous, overblown false accusation. Thank you for putting this extremely helpful information out there. This has provided me with so much validation.
You are heaven sent. You just put into words, word for word my life of the past 10 years. Thank You.
Thank you so much Lisa🙏
You opened my eyes to catogerice my feelings of loss, hot-cold, unworthyness,needy behavior and so on! What you are describing is almost 100% what I’ve been through, doing all the things that I thought were important to win her back emotionally. But in return I felt her growing indifference! It ended in a breakup a month ago. That same day she moved into the house of her new man, biting away his spouse he was in a relationship with. She tried to attempted to hurt herself 5 days later! I felt the emotional distance growing for over a year, not noticing that this was a tactic 🤦🏻♂️Now I am trying to get detached and heal. As you said it takes time and I believe this is very important! Just trying to find my way through the fog of confusion. Your video is so helpful to understand the dynamics. I don’t blame anyone, except myself for not knowing what was about to happen, losing myself and my identity just to stay in that relationship!
Thx🙋🏻♂️
Amazing advice Lise! I have experienced all of this in the last few months. Your presentation, advice, and knowledge is deeply appreciated. So good ! Thank you.
Wow! This happened to me exactly like this! I got out at the 9th month and it continued for a 1 year cycle. 2/22 - 2/23. I'm still trying to strengthen and recover. And I've been studying human behavior for about 15 years now. Wow! And thank you!
Mask slipped and exact same thing happened with the waitress that you describe. The literal exact same thing. It was at our celebratory dinner the day we got keys to our apartment. I was so excited for us and she turned into someone I didn’t know or know how to handle. Accusing me of sleeping with the waitress I was so bewildered. Then at the apartment she banged her head against the wall and went hysterical screaming and cussing at me and wearing a blanket. I was devastated lost and confused. It was supposed to be our night of glory. She even moved across the country to be with me. Why would someone do that? I loved her so much. I never gave up, but I didn’t know anything about personality disorders. Until she discarded me. That night was just the beginning of the abuse.. I’m still struggling now 1 year since the discard and cheating. How do you know all this stuff?
Besides everything you’ve said, there is another kind of abuse, the triangulation, that can go real substitution. Then, can happens the coming back, due to disappointment. And then again, the Phil is back again.
In the peak of these problems, anxiety can be the worst. Then, nostalgia and depression, and hunger and revolt, all mixed and contradictories, and even, some mimetic atitudes… hell on earth…
Then, after a certain time, and knowledge, comes a certain control, but, the damage seams to affect a new restart, and the coming back is always there, calling. Big issues. Thank you so much Lise!
Thank you.. It is so nice to hear a female talk about other females.. It seams like my pattern is a little different.. I seam to get the HOT/COLD.. They show that they are interested and then run towards someone else or ghost me.. There is definitely a RUN/CHASE thing happening.. One thing I have noticed multiple times with multiple people is that after I move on to someone else then they get jealous.. Specifically when someone else shows interest in me..
Lise,
Another great video. 1000% SPOT ON!!
Lisa’s videos are the most accurate and enlightening I’ve watched during this last month after my wife left. She describes it perfectly. Most content on the subject seems to be focused on male narcs. And on the spectrum of narcs. Female covert narcissism isn’t focused on as much. This is valuable, because I’ve spent a month trying desperately to make sense of the trainwreck of trainwrecks that is my two month marriage. I have known her for 5 years.
These videos teach and confirms so much about the people around me and myself , thank you !
Your videos have turned the light on, thank you so much !!!!!!!!!
Dr. Lise. you made a distinctive and very insightful representation. I applaud you for your excellent work in this video. I've been searching and educating myself about narcissism for the past 4 months, however, not obsessively. Yet, by providing me with a retrospective view and analysis, you hit the nail on the head. I'm speechless. God bless you
Watching this video is so very helpful. She described exactly what happened to me and exactly how it made me feel. Exactly. These are the words I needed to hear and I’m thankful that I found them. I’m devastated and terribly hurt but I know it will get better with time.
The weirdest thing Lise, the love bombing was same as described with my BPD ex husband, men do the same…. Warning to strong, resilient women, just because you can handle stress does not mean you need to live a stress filled life… the intensity was sickening, I felt ill even in the first few weeks of the relationship, it was like I was being infected by a virus.
Yes you're right... men can behave in these ways as well and as you said, it's just like being infected by a virus
This description just really really helped me, thank you for saying something!
It was not virus.. It must be hiv aids type.. For me.. Eww..
This is the best video that I watched on this topic. This is so practical, I mean, this explains in a very practical intuitive sense what is going on. Thank you so much!!
So helpful. Your suggestion to "find a professional" is great advice but not so easy. So few therapists seem to get this situation or want a patient to "just move forward" without gaining the understanding of what happened and how to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy connections, strategies, and behaviors. For example, it's way easier to fall for love bombing when you've never heard of such a thing. If it wasn't for videos like this, I'd be trying to just move this experience to the back of the refrigerator instead of growing from it Painful but well informed awareness is a better way through, than just CBT or EMDR. I appreciate hearing that it can take months, since so many friends and "professionals" are like, "Hasn't it been five months now? Are you still thinking about that? Just get back out there!" Thank you for the tools!
11:45.. WOW.. this happened to me EXACTLY at a restaurant... "I'm not used to waiting this long for a table" she says.. I go and speak to people to try see if our table is ready... A waitress talks to me briefly and then leads me to our table, I grab her and our drinks from the bar where I left her and tell her our table is ready... we sit at our table... Dark clouds are over her face and I can see something is wrong... "My exes would NEVER have treated me like that'.. I ask what I've done... apparently I was laughing and joking with the waitress and I winked at her when we sat down at the table... she decides she's not hungry anymore so after making the reservation and speeding up our table... we end up leaving literally 2 mins after sitting down.. I'm completely baffled as to where this outburst has come from and what I've done and who this person is.. this is not the same person I am in love with, maybe I did do something inappropriate but everything has happened so fast I'm still trying to process it all and run it through my mind what exactly I did.... we go back to the hotel (I'm in HER country - a LDR - and don't know anyone) and she says she wants to go home by herself, making me plead with her not to go.. still baffled as to how I can make right something I never even saw or did...
She then proceeds to leave the hotel and walk out into the night of the city and tells me there's plenty of other girls I can find.. I'M IN THIS COUNTRY TO SEE HER!!... she refuses my calls, when she does answer it's abusive.. about 1 hour and a half later she comes back, apologises, tells me she went to a bar and some barman tried to pick her up....and then tells me she wants ME to make love to HER... WTAF!?!? After all that I am just in a complete state of shock and confusion... never have I experienced that with anyone.. but as time goes on.. you learn to put up with things that deep down you know are not normal...all because of the dream you were sold at the start...
I was utterly unaware of personality disorders back then... That incident then trained me how to talk to people of service (even though I used to work in the service industry too, it's not hard to be nice to those serving you) in front of her.. JUST. IN. CASE.. they are incredibly manipulative people.. and really toy with your good nature.. Wishing love and fortitude for those escaping this treacherous scenario...
Mate I hope you’re not in this relationship anymore. That’s straight up cluster B personality disorder. Wishing you well brother.
This sounds exactly like something my ex-gf would do. Had very similar incidents. Cannot believe how many tantrums I tolerated now looking back.
@@borgencorgenforgen its literally insane but only after we realise what is going on much later down the line do we realise how much we tolerated all under the name of "love" with these cretins..
@@upclosesneakers6875What country was this in?
@@californiaslastgasp6847 australia..
thank you for everything you do for us these videos! I found You 5 years too late but I think you May have saved the rest of my life!
Miss Lady, 👏 spot on... I have been researching this topic... by far you're the best, not taking anything away from those I listen to. My wife is all of the above
Your videos have saved me months of withdrawal! You have described my relationship with my exGF in excruciating detail and made it sooooo much easier to understand what happened to me. I truly believe that you are doing God's work!
You pretty much nailed it. I been learning quite a bit about BPD, and narcissism. I believe I finally got rid of my ex wife (narc) permanently. I feel bad for the daughter.
Lots of thanks to you,,,Lise ! You are a pain killer to men who have been injured by pwBPD friend. EXTEREMELY ACCURATE Analysis...So insightful...Thank you once again.
This is the best material I've seen thus far Dealing with the female narcissist Perspective. I can see how my life had played out in the past It's Like you're narrating my Experiences with the person that I was entangled with.
I wish I found your channel sooner. Thank you for your priceless advice ❤
Solid advice. Men need this kind of help, thanks.
It’s been 9 years since my relationship ended and I still have strongly mixed feelings about narcissists.
On the one hand, I feel for all of the innocents who find themselves in a relationship with these monsters. (Hopefully they will all find Lise’s videos)
On the other hand, I actually do feel some compassion for the narcissist. It’s not their fault they were born without the ability to experience affective empathy.
They can never feel that deep connection with other humans which enables us to experience deep and enduring inner peace and tranquility.
Without this, they have to rely upon drugs and all manner of unethical tactics to increase their confidence that their needs will be met.
Life without affective empathy must be an unbearable hell.
One day we will find a way to compensate for the brain physiology they were born with so that they can experience affective empathy.
Then we can put an end to all of this suffering.
I think narcissism is often a result of trauma not just genetic brain physiology. But I agree with everything else you said. It's really good to be empathetic and generous towards others as you seem to be. If people were like that more, maybe our world wouldn't be as fucked up and full of pain.
@@spaceowl5957 It depends what you mean by “narcissism”.
When I say ”narcissism”, I am referring only to the underlying inability to experience affective empathy owing to insufficient gray matter in the left anterior insula.
Trauma-related loss of empathy is a different phenomenon.
The traumatized individual retains the ability to restore empathy when the trauma has been overcome.
The Buddha said that avijjā (denial) is the root cause of all suffering.
But some truths are so horrible that turning towards them is too much to bear.
Yet, if we do not, our suffering will only intensify.
The path to the total end of suffering consists largely of patiently but persistently turning towards uncomfortable truths and opening to them.
Why does this work?
Because if we have the courage to see the world the way it actually is, we can actually SOLVE difficult problems.
If narcissism is caused by a lack of gray matter in the left anterior insula then we can probably cure it completely by simply adding a little gray matter to the left anterior insula.
I have been told by a reliable source that this is being explored by some of the best neuroscientists.
Heal the sick.
Cast out demons.
If it works, this will completely change the world in ways that most people cannot fathom.
No more war.
No more crime.
No more zero-sum game playing.
This is the establishment of the Kingdom of God on earth.
I'm still shocked three years on that I'm hearing EXACTLY the scenario I went through, time and time and time again.
With my ex it began with the gentlest critique of the ay she treated her friend. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable for her friend, being the empath I am. It went rapidly downhill from there leading inevitably to my discard. That day I didn't even recognize the woman who had supposedly loved me the day before. I was suddenly a worthless thing, a single shoe, something to be thrown away.
I do not know if you still come to see the comments Lise, but I need to tell you thank you.
I am 3 years in a relationship. Something was off right from the start but not enough to act on it. The cycle started slowly and the frequencies of arguments which were always based upon me having to prove something to her. // But after a series of them I started to feel something was wrong with me so I seeked help. I learned of my ADHD, and from it I was able to work on myself to repair or fix if you want those damaged parts of myself. I was able to forgive and love many things and myself. I started from there a path to empower myself, lost tons of weight, trained hard, eat right. As I was getting better this is where the cycles started to become more intense and the 'ill drop a bomb out of nowhere' moments started to increase as well.
It feels as if something my partner do tries so much to keep me in a weakened state but in vain. I started to not go for the traps and bite the baits. But not biting comes with consequences. I do realize now that my partner seems to be very empty inside and the "never good enough me" has to fill an bottomless cup that cant never be filled no matter how many little good things happens.
As of now, I am struggling. I try so hard to just keep steering in the direction of being the best version of myself amidst the unintentional abuse. I started removing some powers from people's hands such as not letting them define me and it helps a bit to go through it all.
I find it very hard that I am the one going through loads of therapy and have to take pills at night just to sleep and not feel overwhelmed by the constant anxiety. But I understand that in the end its not because I am the problem. There IS a problem though and it needs to be taken cared of.
I hope this message gets to you. Your video shed some light and validated it all.
I am at the point where I no longer even try to fill that cup, I feel like a spectator of it all, living somehow dissociated from the relationship while still keeping alive the never ending cycle that creates lots of distress in me.
Ironic, feeling stronger by the day yet being so weak when it comes to the right thing to do. Like you say, its not necessarily intentional on her part and I cant deny my reactions starts to increase in intensity over time... but there is accountability thats needed. Not decisions, but actions needs to be done.
I will check more of your content.
Again thank you for taking that precious ressource we call time to help others.
Thanks for sharing your experience! It sounds like you’ve made a ton of progress but it sounds as though you still have some big decisions to make. I wish you the best of luck on your path forward
lise you are really good. the way you understand keen insights are phenomenal
thank you lise
This was my ex fiance. We were together for 5 month's the last 2 months I've had a concussion the mind f was almost criminal. Kind of a blessing in disguise that theirs therapists at the clinic I'm going to.
Theses videos help so much too.
Thanks for your work
Ben Gifted, my new nom de plume. Thank you yet again o holy huntress of clarity, escape, and evasion.
There is not treasure there is blameshifting. Opt out of the drama triangle. Silence can help on your part. They try to get you to do all slow it down,do less.
Could you please consider doing a video on The " Falsely empowered co-dependent ". Excellent videos, empowering many to stand in their power and take back control on their lives life..
This is a good episode I've had all the classic narc traps tried on me !!!!!!!!!!!
With some of the personality disorders that you have been describing in your videos. I am going to suggest this movie to one of my professors in psychology, and maybe you could look into this movie too. It’s called, “a streetcar named desire“. In fact, the individual in this movie named “Blanche“ matches the pathology underneath some of these personality disorders. In other words, I think they should remake this movie to make men aware of manipulation tactics by individuals with personality disorders.
This woman been following me. I'm telling you. So damn exact it's insanity.
😂😂accurate af!
18 months in this nightmare. And wow. Finally i understand why I can’t get away from this junk. Thank you so very much! Now the trick is getting away with as little collateral damage as possible. Somehow. Hope you have a Video on how to escape successfully from all of this junk.
Unfortunately, you'll probably have to ride this one out. You are already in the web. You're gonna have to go through all the crap and final discard. You could discard her, but if you are like any normal person that is not an option. We have too much empathy and it is not in our nature to discard people. Once she discards you the first time, this is when you make your escape. She'll try to come back (hoover), but this is where you turn your back, block her number and social media, get rid of all pictures or any items she had and go through maybe a few months of pain. In a year you'll be so happy you did and it will also give you a really positive outlook on yourself. This is just my opinion.
@@desertweasel6965 100% agree. Just keep swimming and maybe waiting. Thank you for your support and advice! It means a lot
God bless you for these videos. After 3 years i feel like i got lucky to get out when i did. But my God did it take its toll on me and leave some hard mental hurts and some deep trust issues. It finally ended 3 weeks ago and this has by far been the hardest break up. Ive stood my grpund and kept strong and i have you to thank. You literally explained her to a T. I truly cant thank you enough for all your help and information ❤
I wish I had learned about this months ago, but better late than never. Thank you!
Even in my early to mid 40’s, this happened to me. “It’s fine” was one of her go-to phrases when I would ask if she was OK or what was wrong.
this describes my last 3 years. we were "together" for 2 and a half years and broke up 6 months ago but maaaan, it was a hell of a ride, I swear. I never ever lacked women attention so it was pretty hard for me to bond to her when she started acting up but I was stupid enough to build a business with her...my God what I've wished now to listen to my intuition because I didn't agree in the start but she somehow convinced me. I've been abused for more than 2 years, all vacations were a living hell, she didn't work and neither let me do it until we were broke almost. In our last argument she compared the fact I've asked her to send 1 email with a rape... I've called the police show the proof for the abuse she put me through and she got arrested and forced to move out of the house. After all my friends, keep in mind MY FRIENDS, I have brought here in the group turned the back on me and took her part. So here I was, alone, broke, with absolutely no one to speak for the past 6 months where I've been in the biggest withdrawal of my life. I could never believe this is possible, to think about someone NON STOP for 6 months straight, they do something to you that is out of this world. I was such a fool to believe her in the start that she is victim. The "relationship" took so long because from the start I showed her that I will not put up with any form of disrespect and almost kicked her out of the house first time she screamed at me of of nowhere but I believed her it was an "accident", 2nd time same story and from that moment on it was a constant struggle to stay sane. Now that the withdrawal is at its lowest I still think of her but there are no more feelings involved, no more pain, no more regret, nothing. She is already in another relationship and moved with this guy after a few weeks of dating, my heart goes out to him as he is probably thinking he met the women of his dreams, but very soon it will be turned into a living nightmare. "Funniest" thing is that one of my best friends (I'm 33 we are friends since we were 4 Y.O.) experienced something similar with a girl and first time she met her and I've start to tell her about how fast everything progressed and how intense she is, my friend said this, "MATE, RUN! please believe me she will destroy all your peace and mental health, please RUN from her, this is not healthy." of course I said, I can handle it and I did, but with what cost? I've almost turned white in my early 30's. So, here is my message for anyone dealing with a Cluster b person. RUN RUN RUN, I know it will be hard but believe me, it will be harder later, literally I've been for 6 months of hell since the breakup, it will destroy your peace and mental health so please RUN away, faster the better. I will everyone going thru this to stay strong and eventually you will heal.
Your story sounds (and feels) very, very familiar. They seem to live life by a playbook which is why it feels like Lise is speaking to us directly and telling our story from our shoes. I'm sorry, man. I hope you're doing better.
@@XanderSlocum It's shocking right? How can all of them act in the same way, mind blowing. I'm doing well, thanks God I;m doing very well. I'm in the best physical shape of my life almost saved my business (she is out), my emotional state is probably 75% so I'm on the right path. All my friends called me before Christmas and apologised taking her part and it felt good, not gonna lie, they saw her for who she is. I've blocked her on all social media from day 1, deleted every picture, threw away all gifts so the healing is doing very well at this time. She is still reaching out with some bullshit from new email addresses from time to time and she is stalking my instagram stories from fake accounts that I block on a regular basis but recently I give up and I'm letting her do what she wants. The best thing of all this she made my friends believed I'm a horrible human being and they forced her to move on to someone else =))))))) otherwise I would have been in the same situation. I swear if she would have tried to come back from month 1-6 I would have taken her back... I was so low and in so much pain that I would have hopped on the roller coaster for 1 more time to get my fix. In the end my friends saved me :)))))) with the wrong intention but they made her move on after all which I was unable to do. I really hope she will eventually stay in therapy and will get her life in place as she is a 10/10 on looks so it's sad to see so such a waste. I hope you are doing well at this time as well.
@@ionvitan8964 I'm happy you're doing better but I'm really glad she didn't try to come back. My experience showed I lacked the willpower and resolve to resist her. She's come back many times over the last couple years and I still struggle - a LOT - to this day. Stay up, King. Keep making the world a better place.
@@XanderSlocum I'm sorry to hear about this. But again, I'm no different. I did a million compromises for this "relationship" but the one that I will never go over is my women sleeping with another man and take her back, I will never in 1 million years could take her back after this. If you are in this situation please put this as a standard as if she is going to other man and comes back you are always the second option and she will treat you like such for the rest of days. there is a video that actually helped me big time to move on, like it happened so fast, it almost scared me that there is something wrong with me. HOPE is the most dangerous feeling and it will keep you stuck. No, she will not change and if you somehow force her to go to therapy (I DID) she will become more and more aggressive and she will hate you even more, based on my experience.
@@ionvitan8964 Thank you! I don't *believe* she did anything like that but after pulling off the veil of all the bizarre behavior and lies ... who really knows? Why keep all these messages and SnapChats hidden? Why constantly accuse me of messing around or cheating when I'm not if it isn't projection? Makes you question everything.
Thank you for your videos! They've opened my eyes to what happened with my ex and made me understand that I dodged a bullet with a woman I recently dated!
Wow, as a woman under a covert male that totally convinced me I was the problem this behavior is no different between the sexiest. The one statement here gave me chills. He cheated, I caught him, he turned around and used the statement, you’re controlling me & you better figure it out now and stop acting like it. Totally caught me off guard and I totally went into fawning and freezing at the same time. I think the infidelity always is there & the reality hits you with a thousand screams. I did the same thing trying to fight and say hey I love you. 😞 No contact now for a year. Finally healing emotionally & finding my Authentic self.
Its a human disorder and not aligned specifically to males or females. Its tragic we do this to each other when we love each other more than anything
@@job9852 that’s a problem I don’t think they’re capable of loving anyone.
From the bottom of my heart: Thank you for these videos. I actually might start searching for Men's abuse-survivor's groups to help get my mind and my life back together after several years of chaotic up-and-down, back-and-forth, on-and-off narcissistic abuse from my ex-girlfriend... It will take time, but I will find my worth again.
I wish you all the best in your recovery and healing journey!
I had the luck to be able to recognise that there was something wrong with our relationship. I want no contact without explanation (something that is extremely hard as a PHIL!) in Juli 2022. We are colleagues and the situation tears me up insidesince then because I have to meet her ever day at work and we must act like as if everything was all right.
It's hard but your videos are a real blessing to me. Understanding the issue gives me the strength I need to stay strong. Thanks! :-)
20 years ago I read a book called 'Everything Men Know About Women' by Dr. Alan Francis. Excited I was! finally I quickly started to read. Everything on the book is so true! all 128 blank pages of it. Best book I've read. 😄
Oh wow is all I've got to say because PHIL is the exact thing that I am. I am that entire acronym and like you said, at her worst she uses it against me. Triangulation degradation lying all the above the sexual manipulation to hit it all my very vulnerable spots. The spots that I pride myself in. She'll tell me that she doesn't trust me, but but then tell me that I'm the only one she can ever count on the only one that has ever been there for her. Just over the top spot on
You’ve hit every nail squarely on the head!!!
I wish I had heard this 15 years ago because I am in the exact relationship she discusses here. Now, I am wondering how to break free and live for me.
Same here bro I just put in for my own apt last week . This has got to stop
I'm here to check on you. Please tell me that you are a free man right now
@@rppope1006 Thank you my friend but I'm afraid I'm still not free.
@@stevelee2471 send me an email, it's on my page. Let's have a conversation
I work with a women who tried to draw me in, but what she doesn't know is I have been watching your videos for years. I now keep her at a distance and go no contact.
I dodged an artillery shell, but her ex husband wasn't so lucky.
yes and yes. And thank you for the Mr Bean. Happy 2023!
Hard to catch if you are inexperienced and have a good heart. I realized I was in one of those relationships one day when my own phone voice recordings exceeded 200 and written notes in “examples” folder on iPhone hit 224. That’s the day I went on a self reflection mission. It did wonders after listening to about 900 videos on NPD and BPD. Thank you Lise.
Indeed
Hey let’s be real, gay men, bisexual men, downlow men do this shit too! And Lise is so on point about not realizing the danger is so real until you get out!
Yes, I am such a protector and integrity person that is loyal and loving and I finally divorced my wife after 12 years as I was sick and tired of her narcissistic way of life that had nothing to offer for me in the end.
It was exaclty like that. After 5 years still the mental wounds of being emotionally manipulated do make my every day life hard but no joke i can almost read minds now, follow your insticts and dont imagine things