yes, and for that exact reason they are far more dangerous than the overt ones. They act so well that no matter who you tell no one would believe you. the best thing to do is avoid all contact if they are not related to you and starve them off your reaction. they crave ur reaction so just don't give it to them.
@@lekshmianilkumar6808 i agree, for me charm, 'too good to be true' love bombing are huge red flags. we just have to pay attention to our intuition. narcissist are not real or genuine people. its all fake
You have nailed it. Thank you for this Spot on description of a covert narcisist. I think they are the most dangerous of them all. They are snakes and chameleons and will drain the life force energy from you slowly but surely.
Agree with Dr. Phil that it has been a great service to the field of mental health to identify covert narcissists, as they are the most dangerous people to be in a relationship with. They draw you in with their studied goodness and exemplary character, and you feel that you've found your soul mate. Then they slowly put the traps in place to disempower and emotionally drain you, and keep you always off balance in the relationship. They dig for the things that will hurt you the deepest and deploy them. And worst of all, they're masters at getting you to think it's all your fault.
Yes. Very slowly, but by bit. Until you also find out their honesty was fake too and they are compulsive liars. All disguised in their good honest helpful fake personality.
THEY ARE ALL BAD. But The Coverts are the most damaging. Insults, Lies, Invalidating, Bullies, NO COMPASSION,. NO EMOTIONS, CONSTANT CRITICISM, CERTAINLY NO LEVITY OR SMILES, DEMONS. BUT NEVER IF THERE'S A WITNESS! YES, "SULLEN." ALSO. DANGEROUS TO YOUR WELL BEING. NOT HUMAN.
They are the most dangerous and most evil. They are very cunning and feel entitled to admiration or social status if they have money or position of power so are very conscious of appearing to have great nice sweet loving qualities, their lives depend on that reputation so they turn homicidal on anyone whom they sense sees through them. If that's your close family then look out. That's the worst because they are terrified of how intimately you know them.
You got played by a player but you want to cry narcissistic abuse. Lady please. I have seen a daughter with self inflicted wounds because her narcissistic mother emotionally abused her.
I dealt with a narcissist for years , they can never see there wrong all they can see is everyone else wrong ! I’ve learned to just block them cuz they will never learn
@@Knoxcicero86 It was my 9yo after I took 10 years of criticism and being one that thinks there is something about constructive criticism-, after that 10 years, I finally figured out it was not me. He fought for custody and she seemed to WANT to be with her daddy. At first, it was OK as I saw her happy driving around with Daddy riding shotgun. Until he got a new GF. (BTW I was 17 and he was 24 and I never let anyone put their hands on me before marriage) He trained me well being a live-in cook, maid, babysitter, laundry, yard help, etc...) Before I left my daughter pretty much treated me like her daddy did. AND After I left, He treated her like she was me! She is 58. She got married at 18 to a total BUM - and her a son before 19. He committed suicide in 2017. I could see it coming. She never allowed me to even get to know my grandchildren and they all hate me. It is heartbreaking. At least these days there is some help via the internet - back then the only psych I knew about was some book "I'm OK You're OK" and that was about it. The damage parents cause their children is heartbreaking. I never badmouthed her daddy to her. I never told her my story (her story) because I didn't want to burden her with adult problems and wanted her to have as happy childhood as possible. It is important for the two of you to get counseling along with her - I can see several generations of children being damaged from being used as a tool to inflict pain upon one parent or the other...then they use themselves as a tool to USE against BOTH :(
Plus when provoked (and that could be the smallest thing) they can become VERY DANGEROUS. It’s not just about someone being exhausting, it’s about blocking them because they are one step away from going full psychotic and when that switch goes off, there is nothing they won’t do. I very almost lost my life.
Yeah just had to block my ex. Used a mental health crisis as a way to get back into my life and start with the same bullshit, used my empathy against me. No regard for my feelings or what's best for me. When I finally said (very nicely) that we need to let each other go, he used that as an opportunity to insult me one last time.
Thank you. I lived with my ex for 29 years. First he “love bombed” me. But as soon as we married he began to belittle, diminish or erase every single good thing about me. It was so subtle - i knew something was terribly wrong but could never put my finger on it. It got worse and worse, and after the kids group and left it got sinister. The gaslighting was constant, I thought I was going crazy. He isolated me, He even failed to get me medical help when I was having a stroke (because he had a golf tournament to attend) and by the time he returned (three days later) I had lost most of my vision and it could not be recovered. Every time I tried to leave something catastrophic happened. Eventually when he learned I was actually planning on cleaving, he tried to kill me. I left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my dog. I went through hell, but I survived. Years of intensive therapy, I wish i had a way of letting people know in case seeing what happened to me helped them get out safely. Dr. Phil, your shows and books were my lifeline. Every show taught me something important. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I want to add: I consider these Phil In The Blanks as my continuing education. I’m very goal and project oriented, and even at 77 I see educating myself as vital. I so appreciate all you do for us Dr. Phil.
It's way more sinister than just a personality trait. Just as Jesus said: “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.” -Luke 11:24-26 Demons are real.
At the age of 63 I was offered a job at my grandsons school. I’d had no training in education but had volunteered for a year at that point in the year 1 class. So I was really chuffed. My husband was the last person I told because I KNEW he was going to make every effort to burst my bubble. But even knowing him as I do, I wasn’t prepared for the remark - WHO’D OFFER YOU A JOB? Followed by did they offer it to 300 other people first and nobody wanted it. When I said I don’t care if they offered it to 3000 other people first and they all said no. I’ve told him I’d take it. And then he said WHAT! You accepted it. I said yes and he said. I’d have thought you’d at least have said you needed to talk it over with your husband first. His jealousy really showed through that day. And it was a good thing. Because all those individual put downs over the years were all just knocking a little bit of the love I felt for him out of me one by one, bit by bit. See when they destroy that last tiny bit of love for them out of you it’s amazing. As that love flies out, it leaves an empty space for you to start filling it with love and respect for ourselves.
Totally agree with you! They getting supply by putting you down. But all the damage they do, is the thing that makes you realise you have nothing to lose by losing them. They kill any love you had for them, and then you start to heal. You realise you don’t need them to validate you. I’m your age. Two narcissistic marriages! Good on you, keep getting stronger!
Only picking on a small part of your statement. Are you saying you would accept him making decisions affecting the family but tell everyone except you and leave you to last? Most women would be furious if that happened. Yet, it seems, you left him out of the decision initially.
I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother. As a pre-teen/teen, I thought I was losing my mind!! It took till my mother died to start researching what had gone wrong. I couldn't even make myself feel sad that she was dead. All I felt was relief that the relationship was over! I cried to know I wasn't crazy or insensitive. She was the master of her game!
It took me until adulthood to connect the dots on my covert narc mom's behavior. I knew she was moody, gossipy, controlling, superficial (e.g., obsession with money and people's finances), and missing something upstairs by always making sweeping assumptions and being a know-it-all. Always something “wrong” with everybody else. It wasn't until she manipulatively lied to me and made hideous accusations in a fit of narcissistic anger that I realized that there's something extremely wrong with her. Now I completely Grey Rock so she can't weaponize any personal information.
I'm taking your lead! Mine has been evil. Only dawned on me around mid 30's and 20 years on still realizing what she done throughout my life. I see her for exactly who she is now. A weak jealous empty sullen woman
It still bothers me that I could feel only tremendous relief when my covert narc mother passed! People would tell me they were sorry for my loss, and it was all I could do to not say, “But it WASN’T a loss. It was the best thing she ever did for me.”
This is the hardest bait to recognize and prepare for. You think the argument is organic and spontaneous, but when you think back you can see the setup days, weeks, even months before the blow up. Because you finally react they twist things to make you accept responsibility for it. Stay educated and prayed up, folks. These snakes in the grass actually live, work, and play with you 🙏
Yes, Ross Rosenberg calls this “induced conversation” and he has a couple videos about it. I have been set up this way also, then when I get angry and defend myself, I’m told I mean and angry and abusive and causing problems when the whole thing was a set up!
Evil smile, evil cowards; , Yes NARCissists, CAN NEVER GIVE Compliments AND NEVER share a dime on you because they are cheap. bums , They have fry Fragile EGO WHICH Constantly. REQUIRES TO BE ADMIRED AND NOURISHED BY SOMEONE ELSE. OTHERWISE Narcissist WILL FALL Into. Passive AGGRESSIVE STATE.
Yes! I didn’t realize till after the discard what I was with. God delivered me. You’re right! they are on a relentless pursuit down the river of deceit with the next person and the next. I had no idea that people like this even existed. The Lord taught me a lot!
Hubby is a covert narcissist. Ever since I figured him out, I've been having fun. When he tells me obvious lies, it's like listening to a kid whose face is smeared w cake frosting denying they had cake. I can't help but laugh, which makes him SO angry and hurt. I do what makes me happy, and I enjoy the sweet moments as they come.
Haha that's EXACTLY what I tell my narc "roommate"! That he's so ridiculous thinking I'm actually going to buy his B/S of a story! I tell him you're EXACTLY like the little kid who denies even touching the chocolate cake meanwhile, he's got chocolate cake all over his face and shirt" Then I tell him "You're a ridiculous person"
Literally, when you said if you broke your leg….i broke my foot and my ex husband refused to help me get a scooter - not even pay half, instead bought a used wheel chair I couldn’t use in the house, was in major pain under my arms having my baby on my chest carrying that weight and he made time to take a trip to China, but couldn’t help me at all. Not even while pregnant.. however, made sure in front of his family he was totally different.
Right on! They are also the type to think they are SAINTS and everyone else is an "inferior" devil out to "get" them.😆🤣 How ironic, considering how they always tried making us clean up THEIR 💩 !!!
Thank you, Dr Phil. My dad was a covert narcissist and my mother a malignant one. I truly believed my purpose in life was to please them. I felt so guilty when I doubted this. Long story and I’m sure you’ve already heard it a thousand times. At almost 70, I’m just now figuring out it’s ok if I have feelings of my own.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I’m sorry to hear of your stolen childhood. I hope things are much better for you now. Listening to Dr. Phil has helped me realize my feelings were valid and a whole new way of thinking is opening up for me.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I hope things are better for you now. I don’t feel so alone now that I’m adult, but I’m sorry others had to experience the same pain I did.
Dr Phil Im not your dad but every dad would be proud to have such a great and wise man as a son. Sometimes our parents make big mistakes. I was blessed to have an elder brother who encouraged me while he was on this earth. I think God always takes care of us and we are truly blessed when somebody cares for us. Many children dont have parents. Your proof that when God has a plan for somebody life He will step in and lead that person if they trust Him and are willing to be led by truth. Thank you for the program. Your work as a paychologist has helped many people, God bless you
Ive been married to this trickster for 12 years,it took his brutal discard for me to realize exactly the demon he is😈 The divorce process from a covert coward is beyond another level nightmare. God be with us & strengthen us all who have been through this abuse
If only I knew all this fifty or even sixty years ago! My mother ticked all these boxes - and as a single parent she was my only real influence when I was a child. I’m very proud to say that I not only survived my childhood but became a loving, empathetic adult. Admittedly I have some long term anxiety and depression I but have the insight to look after myself and seek help when I need it 🌀
Me too....some say Its never to late....ha....I'm almost 70, and walking on eggshells and running on hi levels of cortisol, has left me with 4 auto immune diseases....I'm a wreck
@@mrsc2983 Not being nosey, but what have you noticed with the autoimmune diseases? I recently went thru hell, trying to treat a UTI, where the last of five different antibiotics finally cured it. I've taken them all before, but this time was like nothing I ever experienced, and one almost had me in the ER. Just feeling like all the trauma over the years has taxed my immune system.
The “covert” narcissists NEVER does anything wrong . The “world” does it to them. They are the victims and the second You realize they created the “drama” You become the next victim. They are charming, sweet and play upon Your insecurities.
@shirleygreen3188 Good one. So true, now since AI is in the trending, they will say it's not them! And they will use their flying monkeys to beat you into a corner!
I recently went to a psychologist because I didn’t know how to handle my mom. She was always telling me things were my fault, she didn’t do anything or hurt my feelings, she would give me the silent treatment and more. What hurt most of all, was that she was always jealous of me. If I bought a house, she did too…if I bought a new car and it was newer than hers, she traded hers for a new one. She even got mad that my wedding ring was bigger than hers. I have lived with this all my life and she always made me think everything was my fault. The psychologist said, “Your mom is a passive aggressive covert narcissist.” He said he was sorry and looked at me as if I was grieving a death. He told me I would never change her and that the best thing I can do is to distance myself from her. Everything all makes sense now, and Dr. Phil really nailed it in this video. It hurts that it’s a parent and makes it harder to stay away.
OMG. These exact gaslighting phrases were just used on me the past few days. And before that. Berate, scold, shame, criticism, etc. Also, the times I make the mistake of saying how I feel, I am attacked, invalidated, then told I “feel” a certain way because I’m crazy and my brain is irrational, ridiculous, messed up… and on it goes
The narc's I have to deal with usually demand silence and others to shut up so they can control the "room". I found that by having a multiple source of noise such as a radio and / or multiple TV programs on at the same time at a low volume around them seems to annoy them and they avoid the area. Also, they seem to expect everyone in an area to shut up so they can be in control. They get frustrated and confused if there are multiple conversations and / or radio or TV's on while they are trying to " run the room" and may just leave to find a "quieter" place to run their game where everyone will shut up and listen. I started doing this just so I didn't have to listen to their BS but found out it is like putting on "bug repellant".
Omfg! I always have music playing as a "defense", like its protection for me & I couldn't understand why until I read this comment. ... & now I know exactly why I developed that.
This is exactly my husband…” I have the floor!!!!” Interrupts conversations with me and our adult children constantly. He’s an attention whore. The kids nicknamed him Hitler and call him “Bother” instead of Father.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
When I passed my exam with flying colors, my mother said: "Congratulations. Wouldn't have been possible for me. In my days exam standards were way more demanding!" She was stabbing my heart again with a very, very fine needle. And she did it on purpose!
I received a grade of A on a paper with a page of beautiful comments when earning my doctorate. He saw the paper and asked if everyone received an A. I will never forget that. I asked him to do a final read on my dissertation and he said sure. Let me find a red pencil. I had worked on it forever, had my peers review it, had it edited and he was going to get the red pencil. I had only 3 corrections and no rewrites after my defense. Taadaa!
This is exactly right. I have lived with them my entire life and they cannot be reasoned with over the silliest things. The covert narcissists I know are subtle because they are churchgoers pretending to be Christians but want to be mean without looking like it. They are the most superficial people I have ever met. They are mean to me because I do not fit into their mold. I am not talking about sin, but I do not see things the way they see them. They have a strange way of interpreting simple things. I believe they deliberately misinterpret whatever I say because of their jealous nature toward anyone who is free from them. You are absolutely right, they are sullen and sad without a sense of humor. I have had family members act angry with me but would not tell me what they were angry about.
I used to always tell my covert “you should be an attorney because you always have to be right” she would always try and change the tone of my communications. I’d say “I didn’t say it like that, I said this!” (Gas lighting!) it messes with your head making you question yourself and the reality of the relationship. Couldn’t connect emotionally or have a “heart to heart conversation”
The cycles that you go through, you through again and again. I really think this is a great film and we should all be talking about this as these people cause havoc in all sectors of society. Mine was a perpetual victim and was downtrodden by everyone, but looking back everyone was triangulated to get the outcome he wanted. I made a film about the cycles to show people just a snippet of what it is like to be in a relationship with one of these.
My mother and her children, my friend, and a couple of my co-workers. I Upgraded my life when I left them. My nervous system is better my peace is top tier🤞🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
You're awesome Dr. Phil. I'm from Brazil and I do believe I got into a relationship with a Covert girl. At the start, I had the feeling "that's something really wrong here". And one story that I talk about with my support. That one day we were at an event, and I just have met her(like one month), and I said "Next week its your birthday, are you happy?" She looked with a face (like mad or something) and said: "It's not my birthday, It's in the next month". I was confused since I checked her social media and saw the day it was, and after I got that confused face, she looked at me with a cynical face and said "You see how easy is to create confusion in a person". Something that I learned, it's that we have the feeling that something is wrong, but she was so sweet (sometimes) and I really tried to save her, to help her, and she kept bitting my mind with lies, deception, and gaslighting. It's so hard and painful to leave, but I know I'll be alright. Thanks, Dr. for the free content that helps us leave this kind of situation. And something that I heard from a friend that make me think about it. "You know, that's some venom in the world that are sweet...but doesn't meter if it's sweet and tasty, it's still poison."
Yes same here!!! I am dealing with 2 of them my mom and my ex husband it’s been pure hell!!! I even was assaulted by a school policeman he took me in a room by myself and beat the crap out of me
@@erikawithee my mother uses me and exploits her own kids favours my sister's and I'm the one that gives care and paid all her bills been nice to her all my life when I confront her she plays victim and tells me I'm crazy and she spreads lies to other family members and people about me and my wife to others I've caught her on cctv cameras outside my home i couldnt beleave my ears as soon as I leave the house she picks up the phone and spreads lies things that are so absurd I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore its insane I confronted her she denies it all and swears when I show her the evidence she doesn't even bother and walks away and now targets my wife says my wife is the problem my wife loved her more than her own mother.she walks past my own children and shows no empathy for anyone I've dealt with this for too long but enough is enough I did all I could God forgive me. I want nothing to do with her nomore
To everyone, I tell you these are the most dangerous. They truly play so humble, caring and generous in subtle way but they’re killers on rage and nobody will believe you.
"Don't you DARE attack my PRECIOUS daughter!" - Virtually after a smear campaign where I got bullied by both of them as a baby brother in my 40s. I went NO CONTACT back against my EX-siblings for life after that. Signing off, a recovering SCAPEGOAT
I totally understand and I’m sorry you went through this. It’s never over- the PTSD continues no matter how strong we try to be. I truly wish you well.
My youngest brother is a covert narcissist.he has played the victim for years.there is always some new disease or ailment he seems to have. Narcissists don't seem to have the Courage and Fortitude to go out into the world all alone,and make their own way, they are Vampires! They need us!
Arguing with these people is like being in the most frustrating tennis match. Keeping the ball in play until they have a chance to wrong foot you and then they go in for the kill
Exactly! With my brother I ended up stating, after grounding some strong boundaries: « I hope you got at least the satisfaction of being a good brother ». He didn’t replied. I’m expecting a great revenge 🤣
Every conversation with my x female narc was a total mind game. She could never follow threw with any plans for us always future faking. They have no true identity always feeding off their supply for their emotional needs. A professional victim. True damaged soul..
I'm sorry to know that was your experience with your father. I've been married to a very covert narcissist for over 37 years. No fun. Warm--and I mean WARM--greetings from Waco. 🥵🌼
My sister is a passive aggressive covert narcissist married to an overt narcissist. I have had to go no contact with them. Finally, my mind is clear and not confused. She always left me feeling like what just happened. I would be so confused! They are very tricky and sly people. Her husband is so much easier to spot bc he’s so overt about it.
The female covert narcissist I met some years ago could scan my insecurities, imperfections, trained incompetence and 'untrained acquired competence' but for the most part, she must have known that I have been abused Psychologically by my boss. She manipulatide, triangulated, harassed, abused, exploited, gaslighted and sabotaged me to the extent of suffering torture and horror in very few months (less than 5 months) that outweigh 40 years of hardship during my life. Consciously or not, she's been the arm of the devil
" I broke up with my abusive boyfriend, but I'm scared... I think he did something with my outside lights because they aren't working. Do you think you could maybe take a look?", she said. Sure enough, the sensors were all unplugged. Easy fix! "Can you stay for dinner? It's the least I can do, and I really don't want to be alone right now..." Wasn't I the white knight helping a beautiful damsel in distress!! Went through the whole love-bombing thing and all the games that followed... Afterwards, I ran into her ex and asked him why he didn't warn me about her. He said, "Would you have believed me?" And yes, she unplugged those light sensors for him too...
Sounds like the Jezebel spirit. They have no empathy or remorse. Showing kindness or trying to make peace doesn't work. Your pain is their pleasure. They love seeing family and friends turn against you that they cause. They villanize you and act like th victim to ensure they turn people against you. When you react to their covert aggressive abuse, they use it to prove their point to people that they are trying to turn against you. When you do good to them, they repay you have evil. The craziest part of all of this is that they truly believe that they are good and you are bad for which in their minds justify all the nasty things they continually do to you. They are in one word, evil.
If they discard you consider yourself saved! Lol! The best way to get rid of a narc is just act in ways where they will discard you sooner! Make yourself as undesireable and disgusting to them as possible.. like a beetle making a strange smell squirt
that is so true... my mother could never give us a compliment, and when someone gave us a compliment, she would say something nasty to take the compliment away, almost out of jealousy. I had lost a lot of weight when i was 19, and i had a new bathing suit. My aunt gave me a compliment on my shape, and my mother had to add: ...but she has big legs like her paternal grandmother . She said that in front of everybody, to make me feel bad after receiving a nice compliment. This is mean. She was always comparing us to her. If we came back with a good grade in writing for example, she would always say: well, I always got 100% in writing. Which would always make us feel like she was better then us, as if the 92% grade was not good enough.
My first husband was a Covert Narcissist. I thought I could cheer him up. I paid him room and board and waited on him. He wouldn’t consummate the marriage because I was too fat ( I was 5’8” and weighed 123-3 pounds less than Miss America of the same height). I refused a raise because it would have made me richer than he was. He never said he loved me or praised me.
You’re so correct with your assessment about a Covert Narcissist I delt with one in my life for 6 years yep! they’re something else with they’re games, manipulations, etc… some professional mental therapists do believe the Covert Narcissist is actually the most dangerous too
They subtely try to destroy you behind closed doors and contribute nothing...until there's something to take credit for. Then they show up to take credit for all your work. Example, I spent months writing a database for my work and at the Christmas party that year, he apparently told my boss that he wrote it for me. I found out a year later on my last day working there. I went to say bye to my boss and asked him for advice, and he mentioned it, so my boss basically thought I was lying the whole time. So many things like this happened. Meanwhile the narc had no job.
Absolutely! I'm always amazed by their laziness, but they still manage to get praise for "their" work. I had a co-worker like this. She was at the same level as me, but had formed strategic friendships with key players in management, and actually managed to convince many at the company that she was my boss. She took credit for my ideas and work (including ideas that she had dismissed and criticized), did very little of the actual work, but was always front and centre for the acknowledgement. They need the supply of adulation, but aren't willing to do the work. The also get supply from your reaction to seeing them get away with it - it makes them feel superior.
@Gneiss365 wow, and so many people just believe them. I had a supervisor literally put her name on a huge research report I conducted and wrote. She just put her name on it and she was praised for all the work she did. No mention of my contribution. Terrible leaders who just use people. She even contacted me years later to recruit me to work for her. Umm, no thanks. 👎
Wow, I definitely hear the blame shame guilt and criticism and then when I bring it up at a counselor she vehemently denies and all blame is dumped on me. Also I’m accused of not having any empathy when the opposite is true. There’s so many things hitting home I may have to watch it again.
Thank you! My husband will not EVER give me any kind of compliment about my sewing, painting, cooking, sex, nothing - or encourage my endeavors. Thank you for the affirmation!! I’m praying for a solution. I’m 71 and not financially able to divorce.
@@RPP-l9k I did leave! I don’t know how it happened. One day in May I just said, “I’m moving out tomorrow.” Wow. Now divorced as of 2 wks ago. Truly God opened a door for me. I can hardly remember how it happened so fast. And I took most of the furniture too. And the appraisal on the house came in higher, so he’s already asked me to accept less. No, I won’t. If it were lower, he wouldn’t offer to give me more, I’m sure. I’ve prayed for you to get away, too!
The worst is when the narc runs around to your family and friends and gaslight all into believing you did or said something you've not done or said so as to rally support for themselves and to isolate you and make you the problem in everyone's eyes. They are convincing actors and so you are left feeling frustrated, lonely and victimized!
Yes. They are trouncing you at a game that you aren't even aware is being played. Then one day someone brings up some stuff that never happened and you begin to unravel the web of lies.
@@joshuamorrison8332 Precisely! People treat you differently from before and you can't understand why until you learn what lies have been told behind your back.
@@boldchick101 The worst part is you can't even tell them "don't believe x" because you have no idea what has been said. I just told them to judge me on what they know about me and not ugly rumors.
@@joshuamorrison8332 So true. It is an eye opener to see who believes the worst lies without taking into consideration what is already known about your true character.
My dad was a overt narcissist hidden to me by his alcoholism. Reading his journal after his death he wrote after becoming sober I read who he really was. Because of him I left home at 16, taking my mom with me and we moved into a apartment along with my then 19 yr old boyfriend. He actually came up with the idea to get the place. A month later with some subliminal pressure from my mom because she was embarrassed with me living in a apartment with my boyfriend, so I was married 30 days after moving in. The boyfriend turned out to be a a covert narcissist. In the beginning he was my hero, he ended up being my worst enemy. He has by his choice no relationship with his kids. It started out as his choice but it’s their’s now. The youngest my boy was the first to write him off, they never had a close bond anyway and says he isn’t worth the drama he brings. My middle child tried the hardest to please him because she had been his favorite. But once I was rid of him he wanted her to be his adult and that ended that. My oldest always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but he held a grudge against her for being a mommy’s girl at 2 yrs old. In the end she used him for monetary things until the cost to do that became to much. He became a alcoholic after I kicked him out of the house when the oldest was 15 and my boy, the youngest was 6. I was left with CPTSD, chronic depression and anxiety, my now grown 3 kids, my granddaughters who he doesn’t know (3 never met) and a home. He has nothing. He’s on disability because he caught himself on fire while sleeping to close to the campfire while homeless. He got severe burns to his leg and hand. We don’t know where he stays and we, me and his children, don’t care. My kids say until the day he dies he will believe I wouldn’t have kicked him out if I wouldn’t have been influenced by my best friend and he hates her for it. She doesn’t care what happens to him either.
These types of very informative videos should be screened to 2nd level high school students. Nobody talks about this stuff, because until you've found out the hard way, nobody is aware that they deal with these strange individuals everyday. Forewarned is forearmed. My advice is to steer clear of these strange people, but if you can't avoid them, don't take their bullsh?t
Yeah that will never happen! They'd rather teach 2nd graders to be trannies, shove LGBT matters down all students throats, dumb them down, feminize the males and promote the objectification of women.
This video just wants me to say to my wife how wonderful she truly is and how proud i am of my daughter. It is really bad when someone consider their own children like some kind of competition.
Dr. Phil thank you. I have been used over and over again by a covert narcissist who does exactly like you said .claims she is a victim and she would be better and more successful and rich if she had help like i seemed to get and the other people she knows who have surpassed her, that get help. She is the most envious person I know. Never gives a compliment. Expects people to cow-tow to her and she really seems a bit off with delusions of grandeur. Always looking for sympathy and playing the victim card. Hard to be around her. Her passive aggressiveness is also very insulting to me. I'm done with her.
Covert narcissists are very difficult to spot but if they were a mix of covert and somatic, if both types found in one narc, the victim is doomed and needs a miracle to survive
Scary when they confuse you. Its amazing how you would never know until you realize the lying and shadiness. You would think they are the nicest person in the world. Then they destroy your life.
My dad is a preacher started preaching at 15 years old..Hes 72 still preaching..He Loves to tell me how wrong I am...That I have a bad memory..That my brain doesn't work right. 4 1/2 years ago he kicked me inside of the DMV and of course denies it . He absolutely accuses me of doing things that I don't do..When he is the 1 who hurts me..I cut him off 3 1/2 years ago no contact..So peaceful ..He still calls me wondering why I don't want to talk 🤷 I just let him leave a message..then I delete it without listening to it.. Absolutely crazy Dr.Phil u would love talking to me..my life wow.. actually I would love to talk to you...I'm 47
I am not taking responsibility for the narcissists bad behavior over and over in the process ruining my 11 year old sons life!!!! That’s why I’m seeking Justice. His name is Luke.
Dr. Phil, it’s important to give both perspectives. Truth is the only way through. Brushing off complex trauma isn’t empathy. It’s consciously doing the same thing the narcissist is unconsciously doing. The narcissist is protecting themselves from being or feeling toxically shamed. Although the outcome is not right, their inner dialogue is to not be shamed the way they were as a child, it’s an unhealthy tool they developed as a child in order to survive. Once an adult, that tool starts to wreck their life but it’s so buried inside they can’t recognize it because the outside view from someone else is not what’s happening on the inside for them.
I think many of us have used some of the comments here but are not covert narcissists. I enjoy listening to Dr. Phil because I learn something new every time.
Happened to me. Met a woman that is a covert narcissist, dated for 8 months. As time went by she reeled me in. Telling me how much she loved me, what a great guy I am, she wanted us to grow old together, “I’ve dreamed of finding a good guy like you” “ I didn’t think guys like you existed”, talked about moving in together, talked about future plans, on and on and on went her kind words, I truly loved her. BTW, we were both in our early 60’s. She professed her Christian beliefs and how important that was to her. Took two vacations together. I was treated her well, stepped up and was always there when she needed me or something. She had a personal injury, I was there and took care of her, helped her with the limitations she was experiencing, she did heal from the injury. She was a manipulator, always a positive spin on things, superficial, trouble forming lasting attachment (even though she said she wanted that sooooo much). She couldn't focus on things, jumped around all the time, said it was BC she's "neurospicy" what ever that means. Remember couple times she "cried" around me BC she was upset about something, thing is, no tears fell, just the noises. There were red flags I saw, but ignored them, that’s on me I know. She was in control, always the one “driving the bus” in terms of control of when and how much time we spent together, her words and actions matched up about 50% of the time. Then month after month after hearing her tell me how great I am and how much she loved me, POOF, she ended it like that, said she did not think we were “compatible long term”. As I look back, I wonder if any of what she told me was true, or if she knew all along it wasn’t going to last and was just using me the whole time.
Same thing happened to me. We we're dating for 7 months and things we're wonderful he ghosted me. I'm heartbroken and not sure if the whole thing was a lie. I tried to give him space and called him after six weeks his voicemail was full so I hung up and didn't leave a text message either. That was a month ago and he's never gotten back to me. I will probably never know what happened. It really hurts.
@@doglover5519 sorry it happened to you. Sure hurts when someone "future fakes" you. Let him go, he will only hurt you deeper. I have had no contact with mine even though I think about her , she's poison.
Is there any type of narcissist that can give compliments without just in purpose of making themselves come across as nice? I'v been near one in work-situation and I think he's not just a narcissist but also a sociopath. I say sociopath and not psychopath because this person cares a lot about animals. Rescues them. Otherwise he is that classic type that pretends to be your friend and even protector and then he turns on you in the most malicious way. He often said to me; "Everywhere you are there is trouble" but he also could say "I have talked to so and so and they think you are doing a very good job". Now I think he used that compliment as a way to come across as the really nice guy. It was to make him look better - not me feeling better of my work. Thank you for a great show, greetings from Sweden.
Grew up with one brother and his narcissistic ways have been an onslaught for 50+ years. He was able to split up a 55 year marriage of my parents and then enjoyed watching them get destroyed. He is the scariest person I know. I haven’t spoken to him for 20 years. He’s dangerous and predictably unpredictable. Only time has been on my side because my cousins are coming around one by one letting me know they ‘see him’. Omg Dr Phil you hit the nail on the head! My brother even tells people he’s a non commission officer and a medic in war. Lmao! People believe his baloney. He’s never gone to higher education and had to take classes in elementary school twice. Yet he thinks he’s the cats pajamas. Ugh
The pain of your own family not believing you is gut wrenching 💔😭 I have always been a very loyal, caring honest person who I thought came from a good family, but my own mother can’t seem to wrap her head around ‘covert narcissist abuse’ as she only bases things on what she’s see’s. I would never lie, I’m am such an honest person with high values, huge empath, put others before myself, she keeps trying to make logic out of the narc abuse. I am completely alone in the world and suffering excruciating pains migraine attacks chronic health, I have been fighting a losing battle for over a decade. The pain is unimaginable, truely is. In the darkest place yet 💔😔😭
They are always disappointed because reality doesn't match up with expectation. Or she criticizes others with "suggestions" on how the thing could be improved upon. My 99 year old narcissist mother also has OCD. I grew up in a home where her preferences had the force of moral judgement: there is only one correct way to wash the dishes, and my way was wrong so she had to elbow in to do it "right". Then she'd sigh to her friends that I never helped around the house. Add martyrdom to her resume! Everyone tells me how sweet she is and how lucky I am that she is still alive. There are others who hear the things she says and shoot me covert, sympathetic glances. She doesn't fool everyone.
This is a wealth of information! My mother is this type and at 55 I’m finally in therapy. Now I’ve been unraveling the patterns and thinking I’m gonna “ Bruce Lee “ my way out of this 😬✌️😄 🤦🏼♀️ This is Ans has been a process ❤️✌️🤪
"Must be nice..." That really resonates with me. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that. Maybe it's their way of giving themselves the green light to do whatever they like, no matter how wrong they know it is. Because, entitlement.
Wow, he just described my father and mother. My last email I got from my mother eight years ago. I've been no contact with them, she blamed me for being so arrogant and saying that I think I'm so much better than the rest of her kids, and my doctors degree, "just a piece of paper". Incidentally, they had the money and they had the time to attend that graduation ceremony and they did not do it. Talking about me behind my back since, I can't remember. I was 59 when I had that revolution that they are narcissist! It was a battlefield growing up, but everything looked good from the outside,. My mother used to say, "what are people gonna think".
I was with mine for 7 years. Through the cycle many times. I finally left a month ago and now he is the biggest into church and has trauma from childhood. I got a text this morning saying "i forgive you" 😵💫 forgive me for what? 🙄 i guess he forgives me for leaving to find my own peace for me and my kids. Its amazing, no anger or yelling in over a month. We can just be ❤
He started going to my church that I begged him to go to for years. Suddenly was "taking the kids" but wouldn't even get up to go with us before. He retained my lawyer that I used in a previous divorce, before I had even moved out at that. Now he is playing victim at its finest and now he forgives me. 🙄 It's meant to throw me into confusion or leave me racking my brain wondering what he forgives Me for.... even knowing the tactics its still hard to fight off. We can escape them but how long does it take to escape their voice in our heads disguised as our own? That is the real question.
I was married to one, had a child and left when my baby was 1 year and 5 months....my life was hell.....he is a Covert.....it's scary SCARY SCARY and you are 100% correct.
I once worked with a psychopath, he never worked, all he this was messing things up for laughs, constant pranks and made the work life a hell because someone needed to do the job or it would turn into a chaos because of him. That was a rough time.
Narcissists don't like me. I refuse to doubt myself and I want evidence to prove I'm wrong. If proof is not offered, I will leave them alone. I don't listen to anyone who cannot prove evidence
We are accountable for how we choose to interpret what we see or experience, and we're accountable for how we act on our interpretations. we're only responsible for what we say or do, we can't be responsible for how others interpret us. This is not mutually exclusive with compassion or empathy. It just means that we are all accountable for what we bring to each moment. There are no victims and no villains in this world, only the lies we turn into our truths.
this is the most difficult. they pretend to be "nice" and then the confusion begins. Overts are easier to spot on.
yes, and for that exact reason they are far more dangerous than the overt ones. They act so well that no matter who you tell no one would believe you. the best thing to do is avoid all contact if they are not related to you and starve them off your reaction. they crave ur reaction so just don't give it to them.
Overts are secondary psychopaths not narcissists. Coverts are the only real narcissists.
Prof. Sam Vaknin
I think my dad is like this but am not sure. It’s very hard to know. How do you know for sure?
@@Here.now123 interesting. i noticed that psychopaths carry themselves like grandious narcissisits too. are very manipulative.
@@lekshmianilkumar6808 i agree, for me charm, 'too good to be true' love bombing are huge red flags. we just have to pay attention to our intuition. narcissist are not real or genuine people. its all fake
You have nailed it. Thank you for this Spot on description of a covert narcisist. I think they are the most dangerous of them all. They are snakes and chameleons and will drain the life force energy from you slowly but surely.
A good answer
Agree with Dr. Phil that it has been a great service to the field of mental health to identify covert narcissists, as they are the most dangerous people to be in a relationship with. They draw you in with their studied goodness and exemplary character, and you feel that you've found your soul mate. Then they slowly put the traps in place to disempower and emotionally drain you, and keep you always off balance in the relationship. They dig for the things that will hurt you the deepest and deploy them. And worst of all, they're masters at getting you to think it's all your fault.
Yes. Very slowly, but by bit. Until you also find out their honesty was fake too and they are compulsive liars. All disguised in their good honest helpful fake personality.
THEY ARE ALL BAD. But The Coverts are the most damaging. Insults, Lies, Invalidating, Bullies, NO COMPASSION,. NO EMOTIONS, CONSTANT CRITICISM, CERTAINLY NO LEVITY OR SMILES, DEMONS. BUT NEVER IF THERE'S A WITNESS! YES, "SULLEN." ALSO. DANGEROUS TO YOUR WELL BEING. NOT HUMAN.
They are the most dangerous and most evil. They are very cunning and feel entitled to admiration or social status if they have money or position of power so are very conscious of appearing to have great nice sweet loving qualities, their lives depend on that reputation so they turn homicidal on anyone whom they sense sees through them. If that's your close family then look out. That's the worst because they are terrified of how intimately you know them.
I feel the same. Like a demonic behavior. Confusing if you don’t know what’s happening,, but after you KNOW,, you have that discernment. ❤❤❤
The most dangerous is the covert because he hides his true behind love and sweetness.😤❤️
This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I can't really say. It's complicated 🎭
You mean “she”
How insulting 😇🤩😘🥳
You got played by a player but you want to cry narcissistic abuse. Lady please. I have seen a daughter with self inflicted wounds because her narcissistic mother emotionally abused her.
I dealt with a narcissist for years , they can never see there wrong all they can see is everyone else wrong ! I’ve learned to just block them cuz they will never learn
Just let them go. They are not worth your time. Time is for better hopes as lam going to do
You can't change a person with no heart.
I cant block mine shes the mother of my 10year old. Finding this helped me make sense of everything im going through...well my family is going through
@@Knoxcicero86 It was my 9yo after I took 10 years of criticism and being one that thinks there is something about constructive criticism-, after that 10 years, I finally figured out it was not me. He fought for custody and she seemed to WANT to be with her daddy. At first, it was OK as I saw her happy driving around with Daddy riding shotgun. Until he got a new GF. (BTW I was 17 and he was 24 and I never let anyone put their hands on me before marriage) He trained me well being a live-in cook, maid, babysitter, laundry, yard help, etc...) Before I left my daughter pretty much treated me like her daddy did. AND After I left, He treated her like she was me! She is 58. She got married at 18 to a total BUM - and her a son before 19. He committed suicide in 2017. I could see it coming. She never allowed me to even get to know my grandchildren and they all hate me. It is heartbreaking. At least these days there is some help via the internet - back then the only psych I knew about was some book "I'm OK You're OK" and that was about it. The damage parents cause their children is heartbreaking. I never badmouthed her daddy to her. I never told her my story (her story) because I didn't want to burden her with adult problems and wanted her to have as happy childhood as possible. It is important for the two of you to get counseling along with her - I can see several generations of children being damaged from being used as a tool to inflict pain upon one parent or the other...then they use themselves as a tool to USE against BOTH :(
Plus when provoked (and that could be the smallest thing) they can become VERY DANGEROUS. It’s not just about someone being exhausting, it’s about blocking them because they are one step away from going full psychotic and when that switch goes off, there is nothing they won’t do. I very almost lost my life.
Yeah just had to block my ex. Used a mental health crisis as a way to get back into my life and start with the same bullshit, used my empathy against me. No regard for my feelings or what's best for me. When I finally said (very nicely) that we need to let each other go, he used that as an opportunity to insult me one last time.
Thank you.
I lived with my ex for 29 years. First he “love bombed” me. But as soon as we married he began to belittle, diminish or erase every single good thing about me. It was so subtle - i knew something was terribly wrong but could never put my finger on it. It got worse and worse, and after the kids group and left it got sinister. The gaslighting was constant, I thought I was going crazy. He isolated me, He even failed to get me medical help when I was having a stroke (because he had a golf tournament to attend) and by the time he returned (three days later) I had lost most of my vision and it could not be recovered. Every time I tried to leave something catastrophic happened. Eventually when he learned I was actually planning on cleaving, he tried to kill me. I left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my dog.
I went through hell, but I survived. Years of intensive therapy,
I wish i had a way of letting people know in case seeing what happened to me helped them get out safely.
Dr. Phil, your shows and books were my lifeline. Every show taught me something important.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I want to add:
I consider these Phil In The Blanks as my continuing education. I’m very goal and project oriented, and even at 77 I see educating myself as vital. I so appreciate all you do for us Dr. Phil.
It's way more sinister than just a personality trait. Just as Jesus said: “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, searching for rest. But when it finds none, it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ So it returns and finds that its former home is all swept and in order. Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before.” -Luke 11:24-26 Demons are real.
🤗💝 hugs I too have been living this nightmare, not once but twice now..
I’m so glad You are o.k. 🙏
@@spiritualclips Luke was drunk when he wrote that
At the age of 63 I was offered a job at my grandsons school. I’d had no training in education but had volunteered for a year at that point in the year 1 class. So I was really chuffed.
My husband was the last person I told because I KNEW he was going to make every effort to burst my bubble. But even knowing him as I do, I wasn’t prepared for the remark - WHO’D OFFER YOU A JOB? Followed by did they offer it to 300 other people first and nobody wanted it. When I said I don’t care if they offered it to 3000 other people first and they all said no. I’ve told him I’d take it. And then he said WHAT! You accepted it. I said yes and he said. I’d have thought you’d at least have said you needed to talk it over with your husband first.
His jealousy really showed through that day. And it was a good thing. Because all those individual put downs over the years were all just knocking a little bit of the love I felt for him out of me one by one, bit by bit. See when they destroy that last tiny bit of love for them out of you it’s amazing. As that love flies out, it leaves an empty space for you to start filling it with love and respect for ourselves.
You're exactly correct.
👏👏👏👏
Excellent. 🙏🏼
Totally agree with you! They getting supply by putting you down. But all the damage they do, is the thing that makes you realise you have nothing to lose by losing them. They kill any love you had for them, and then you start to heal. You realise you don’t need them to validate you. I’m your age. Two narcissistic marriages!
Good on you, keep getting stronger!
Only picking on a small part of your statement.
Are you saying you would accept him making decisions affecting the family but tell everyone except you and leave you to last?
Most women would be furious if that happened.
Yet, it seems, you left him out of the decision initially.
Narcissists will never be happy in life. As they age they get even worse.
I agree.
I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother. As a pre-teen/teen, I thought I was losing my mind!! It took till my mother died to start researching what had gone wrong. I couldn't even make myself feel sad that she was dead. All I felt was relief that the relationship was over! I cried to know I wasn't crazy or insensitive. She was the master of her game!
It took me until adulthood to connect the dots on my covert narc mom's behavior. I knew she was moody, gossipy, controlling, superficial (e.g., obsession with money and people's finances), and missing something upstairs by always making sweeping assumptions and being a know-it-all. Always something “wrong” with everybody else. It wasn't until she manipulatively lied to me and made hideous accusations in a fit of narcissistic anger that I realized that there's something extremely wrong with her. Now I completely Grey Rock so she can't weaponize any personal information.
@tenningale exactly! I can totally relate to that! Glad you got away at a young age. You're so much better off.
I'm taking your lead! Mine has been evil. Only dawned on me around mid 30's and 20 years on still realizing what she done throughout my life. I see her for exactly who she is now. A weak jealous empty sullen woman
Ditto 100%
It still bothers me that I could feel only tremendous relief when my covert narc mother passed! People would tell me they were sorry for my loss, and it was all I could do to not say, “But it WASN’T a loss. It was the best thing she ever did for me.”
Watch out for the prearranged argument set up to trip you into believing it’s your fault…
Hello Darker where are you from?
This is the hardest bait to recognize and prepare for. You think the argument is organic and spontaneous, but when you think back you can see the setup days, weeks, even months before the blow up. Because you finally react they twist things to make you accept responsibility for it.
Stay educated and prayed up, folks. These snakes in the grass actually live, work, and play with you 🙏
Yes, Ross Rosenberg calls this “induced conversation” and he has a couple videos about it.
I have been set up this way also, then when I get angry and defend myself, I’m told I mean and angry and abusive and causing problems when the whole thing was a set up!
👏👏👏👏 that part!!! They will start an argument for the sole purpose of turning everything around on you. It's insane.
Yeah, mine used to save those for important dates and holidays. How convenient 🙄
One of the better overviews of covert narcissistic personality traits I’ve heard.
Me too😊
Vicious Insults, Extreme Invalidation, Liars and/or Deception, Future Faking, No Human Emotions, Never a Smile Ever
Add Bullies and a lot more...
They do smile, mostly when they have succeeded in their latest rouse. Sometimes you can catch the smirk :(
Evil smile, evil cowards; ,
Yes
NARCissists,
CAN NEVER GIVE Compliments AND NEVER share a dime on you because they are cheap. bums ,
They have fry Fragile EGO WHICH Constantly. REQUIRES TO BE ADMIRED AND NOURISHED BY SOMEONE ELSE.
OTHERWISE Narcissist WILL FALL Into. Passive AGGRESSIVE STATE.
Yes! I didn’t realize till after the discard what I was with. God delivered me. You’re right! they are on a relentless pursuit down the river of deceit with the next person and the next. I had no idea that people like this even existed. The Lord taught me a lot!
Hubby is a covert narcissist. Ever since I figured him out, I've been having fun. When he tells me obvious lies, it's like listening to a kid whose face is smeared w cake frosting denying they had cake. I can't help but laugh, which makes him SO angry and hurt. I do what makes me happy, and I enjoy the sweet moments as they come.
Haha that's EXACTLY what I tell my narc "roommate"! That he's so ridiculous thinking I'm actually going to buy his B/S of a story! I tell him you're EXACTLY like the little kid who denies even touching the chocolate cake meanwhile, he's got chocolate cake all over his face and shirt" Then I tell him "You're a ridiculous person"
Once you start having fun, it steals all of the narcs power. Good 4 you!
Be careful. I did this with mine and he got violent. You just never know when their gonna blow.
Sounds like you need a divorce Lawyer.
Good 👍 me too
Literally, when you said if you broke your leg….i broke my foot and my ex husband refused to help me get a scooter - not even pay half, instead bought a used wheel chair I couldn’t use in the house, was in major pain under my arms having my baby on my chest carrying that weight and he made time to take a trip to China, but couldn’t help me at all. Not even while pregnant.. however, made sure in front of his family he was totally different.
Sorry you had to endure that. Now you are awake! Yay!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Horrible.
Sounds exactly like my husband too!
Passive aggressive!!!!!!!!!!
THIS^^^^
I agree
YES! The passive agressiveness is the most predominant trait of the covert. ( from what I've experienced - others as well )
L.A.
Right on! They are also the type to think they are SAINTS and everyone else is an "inferior" devil out to "get" them.😆🤣 How ironic, considering how they always tried making us clean up THEIR 💩 !!!
Thank you, Dr Phil. My dad was a covert narcissist and my mother a malignant one. I truly believed my purpose in life was to please them. I felt so guilty when I doubted this. Long story and I’m sure you’ve already heard it a thousand times. At almost 70, I’m just now figuring out it’s ok if I have feelings of my own.
I understand you so well. We had similar experiences. Sadly.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I’m sorry to hear of your stolen childhood. I hope things are much better for you now. Listening to Dr. Phil has helped me realize my feelings were valid and a whole new way of thinking is opening up for me.
@@mariac.garcez5903 I hope things are better for you now. I don’t feel so alone now that I’m adult, but I’m sorry others had to experience the same pain I did.
Dr. Phil has been helping me, too. I had guilt over resenting my parents, but now I understand I had the right to feel resentment.
I think u just have a victim mentality. Gee stop with the sob story. Grow up
Dr Phil Im not your dad but every dad would be proud to have such a great and wise man as a son. Sometimes our parents make big mistakes. I was blessed to have an elder brother who encouraged me while he was on this earth. I think God always takes care of us and we are truly blessed when somebody cares for us. Many children dont have parents. Your proof that when God has a plan for somebody life He will step in and lead that person if they trust Him and are willing to be led by truth. Thank you for the program. Your work as a paychologist has helped many people, God bless you
@@silverbackmustang6306 am a sister🤣
Ive been married to this trickster for 12 years,it took his brutal discard for me to realize exactly the demon he is😈 The divorce process from a covert coward is beyond another level nightmare.
God be with us & strengthen us all who have been through this abuse
I am sorry you went through that.
@@1pdhf7ywgqkqo ty🙏the divorce was just finalized last week
Going through it now. 32 years and my soul drained. Heading to lawyer and holding on for the strength to get through the battle ahead.
If only I knew all this fifty or even sixty years ago!
My mother ticked all these boxes - and as a single parent she was my only real influence when I was a child. I’m very proud to say that I not only survived my childhood but became a loving, empathetic adult. Admittedly I have some long term anxiety and depression I but have the insight to look after myself and seek help when I need it 🌀
Same here. My desire to be nothing like my covert narc mother paid off.
Me too....some say Its never to late....ha....I'm almost 70, and walking on eggshells and running on hi levels of cortisol, has left me with 4 auto immune diseases....I'm a wreck
@@mrsc2983 Not being nosey, but what have you noticed with the autoimmune diseases? I recently went thru hell, trying to treat a UTI, where the last of five different antibiotics finally cured it. I've taken them all before, but this time was like nothing I ever experienced, and one almost had me in the ER. Just feeling like all the trauma over the years has taxed my immune system.
The “covert” narcissists NEVER does anything wrong . The “world” does it to them. They are the victims and the second You realize they created the “drama” You become the next victim. They are charming, sweet and play upon Your insecurities.
"That never happened." Their all time favorite.
Somehow it never happens, it never happened! Their ability of having selective memory and convenient "circumstances" are always unbelievable!!!
@@jerinpeter1390 until you show them the video on their Ring camera that shows what they did and exactly when. They might even say but that’s not me.😂
@shirleygreen3188 Good one. So true, now since AI is in the trending, they will say it's not them! And they will use their flying monkeys to beat you into a corner!
My wife pulled this for 33 years
These narcs act like they want your "help", but when you try to help, they dismiss it lol
I recently went to a psychologist because I didn’t know how to handle my mom. She was always telling me things were my fault, she didn’t do anything or hurt my feelings, she would give me the silent treatment and more. What hurt most of all, was that she was always jealous of me. If I bought a house, she did too…if I bought a new car and it was newer than hers, she traded hers for a new one. She even got mad that my wedding ring was bigger than hers. I have lived with this all my life and she always made me think everything was my fault. The psychologist said, “Your mom is a passive aggressive covert narcissist.” He said he was sorry and looked at me as if I was grieving a death. He told me I would never change her and that the best thing I can do is to distance myself from her. Everything all makes sense now, and Dr. Phil really nailed it in this video. It hurts that it’s a parent and makes it harder to stay away.
OMG. These exact gaslighting phrases were just used on me the past few days. And before that. Berate, scold, shame, criticism, etc.
Also, the times I make the mistake of saying how I feel, I am attacked, invalidated, then told I “feel” a certain way because I’m crazy and my brain is irrational, ridiculous, messed up… and on it goes
Get. Out!
The narc's I have to deal with usually demand silence and others to shut up so they can control the "room". I found that by having a multiple source of noise such as a radio and / or multiple TV programs on at the same time at a low volume around them seems to annoy them and they avoid the area. Also, they seem to expect everyone in an area to shut up so they can be in control. They get frustrated and confused if there are multiple conversations and / or radio or TV's on while they are trying to " run the room" and may just leave to find a "quieter" place to run their game where everyone will shut up and listen. I started doing this just so I didn't have to listen to their BS but found out it is like putting on "bug repellant".
Well played
Omfg! I always have music playing as a "defense", like its protection for me & I couldn't understand why until I read this comment. ... & now I know exactly why I developed that.
This is exactly my husband…” I have the floor!!!!” Interrupts conversations with me and our adult children constantly. He’s an attention whore. The kids nicknamed him Hitler and call him “Bother” instead of Father.
A covert narcissist may respond in a variety of ways when discovered, depending on the particular circumstance and the person. When their behavior is criticized, a covert narcissist may occasionally become aggressive or defensive and reject or abdicate responsibility for their actions. They might try to gaslight the person who exposed them by getting them to doubt their own sense of truth or perspective. Narcissists frequently employ this strategy to keep control of the relationship. In other situations, a covert narcissist could act more violently or aggressively in an effort to retake control or establish dominance. They could try to control or intimidate the person who has exposed them, or they might lash out with abusive language or actions. A covert narcissist may also retreat or isolate themselves if their actual nature is discovered. They might make an effort to separate themselves from the person who exposed them or try to avoid any sort of conflict. Being masters of manipulation, narcissistic people frequently possess a special ability for charm, which allows them to get away with manipulating others. They might be able to beguile people into believing they are not actually narcissists and convince them that they are to blame. The process of exposing a covert narcissist may be extremely taxing and even dangerous, so it’s vital to keep that in mind. It’s crucial to exercise prudence and have a solid support network in place, including friends, family, and a therapist. You can process your experience and develop a strategy for dealing with the circumstance in a secure and healthy manner with the aid of a therapist or counselor. Additionally I hired a private detective Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Wow, you sound like a narcissist, a covert one!
Love your template for success #congratulations Oftentimes getting solid evidence of their Lies helps YOU keep boundaries. Well done X Good Luck X
I Really agree with what you wrote!!!!!
When I passed my exam with flying colors, my mother said: "Congratulations. Wouldn't have been possible for me. In my days exam standards were way more demanding!" She was stabbing my heart again with a very, very fine needle. And she did it on purpose!
Your mom says it was harder ? 😂😂😂😂 my parents said school was way easier back in their day
Possessed!!
That's so sad. Congratulations on your exam. You are brilliant and beautiful and deserve to be loved.
I received a grade of A on a paper with a page of beautiful comments when earning my doctorate. He saw the paper and asked if everyone received an A. I will never forget that. I asked him to do a final read on my dissertation and he said sure. Let me find a red pencil. I had worked on it forever, had my peers review it, had it edited and he was going to get the red pencil. I had only 3 corrections and no rewrites after my defense. Taadaa!
This is exactly right. I have lived with them my entire life and they cannot be reasoned with over the silliest things. The covert narcissists I know are subtle because they are churchgoers pretending to be Christians but want to be mean without looking like it. They are the most superficial people I have ever met. They are mean to me because I do not fit into their mold. I am not talking about sin, but I do not see things the way they see them. They have a strange way of interpreting simple things. I believe they deliberately misinterpret whatever I say because of their jealous nature toward anyone who is free from them. You are absolutely right, they are sullen and sad without a sense of humor. I have had family members act angry with me but would not tell me what they were angry about.
I couldn't have said it any better, you have a way with your writing, thanks
I agree letting 🚶♂️ go
I used to always tell my covert “you should be an attorney because you always have to be right” she would always try and change the tone of my communications. I’d say “I didn’t say it like that, I said this!” (Gas lighting!) it messes with your head making you question yourself and the reality of the relationship. Couldn’t connect emotionally or have a “heart to heart conversation”
Hello from California oc 🎉happy new year
The cycles that you go through, you through again and again. I really think this is a great film and we should all be talking about this as these people cause havoc in all sectors of society. Mine was a perpetual victim and was downtrodden by everyone, but looking back everyone was triangulated to get the outcome he wanted. I made a film about the cycles to show people just a snippet of what it is like to be in a relationship with one of these.
My mother and her children, my friend, and a couple of my co-workers. I
Upgraded my life when I left them. My nervous system is better my peace is top tier🤞🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks Dr. Phil. Your common sense makes understanding difficult people so much more relatable. You truly have the gift of communication.
narcissist are never "just joking"
And God forbid you try to joke with them. They go straight to defense mode.
He was pathologically envious of you. You were viewed as the competition, the enemy.
How sad to have a father like that.
How sad to have someone like you
I have a mother like this. Ticks in all the boxes.
@@lanacainwhat’s your problem?
I finally have an understanding. You’re spot on. Thank you.
You're awesome Dr. Phil. I'm from Brazil and I do believe I got into a relationship with a Covert girl. At the start, I had the feeling "that's something really wrong here".
And one story that I talk about with my support. That one day we were at an event, and I just have met her(like one month), and I said "Next week its your birthday, are you happy?" She looked with a face (like mad or something) and said: "It's not my birthday, It's in the next month". I was confused since I checked her social media and saw the day it was, and after I got that confused face, she looked at me with a cynical face and said "You see how easy is to create confusion in a person".
Something that I learned, it's that we have the feeling that something is wrong, but she was so sweet (sometimes) and I really tried to save her, to help her, and she kept bitting my mind with lies, deception, and gaslighting. It's so hard and painful to leave, but I know I'll be alright. Thanks, Dr. for the free content that helps us leave this kind of situation. And something that I heard from a friend that make me think about it. "You know, that's some venom in the world that are sweet...but doesn't meter if it's sweet and tasty, it's still poison."
Absolutely 💯 I choose to go no contact. I was convinced I was crazy until I became believed it
Yes same here!!!
I am dealing with 2 of them my mom and my ex husband it’s been pure hell!!!
I even was assaulted by a school policeman he took me in a room by myself and beat the crap out of me
@@erikawithee my mother uses me and exploits her own kids favours my sister's and I'm the one that gives care and paid all her bills been nice to her all my life when I confront her she plays victim and tells me I'm crazy and she spreads lies to other family members and people about me and my wife to others I've caught her on cctv cameras outside my home i couldnt beleave my ears as soon as I leave the house she picks up the phone and spreads lies things that are so absurd I don't even know who I'm talking to anymore its insane I confronted her she denies it all and swears when I show her the evidence she doesn't even bother and walks away and now targets my wife says my wife is the problem my wife loved her more than her own mother.she walks past my own children and shows no empathy for anyone I've dealt with this for too long but enough is enough I did all I could God forgive me. I want nothing to do with her nomore
OMG why did the policeman assault you without any reason?@@erikawithee
To everyone, I tell you these are the most dangerous. They truly play so humble, caring and generous in subtle way but they’re killers on rage and nobody will believe you.
"Don't you DARE attack my PRECIOUS daughter!" - Virtually after a smear campaign where I got bullied by both of them as a baby brother in my 40s. I went NO CONTACT back against my EX-siblings for life after that. Signing off, a recovering SCAPEGOAT
I totally understand and I’m sorry you went through this. It’s never over- the PTSD continues no matter how strong we try to be. I truly wish you well.
I am sorry you had to go through that. Thankfully you were able to cut them out of your life and move on. Peace.
My mom is a covert narc....couldn't take her chaos anymore....
My youngest brother is a covert narcissist.he has played the victim for years.there is always some new disease or ailment he seems to have. Narcissists don't seem to have the Courage and Fortitude to go out into the world all alone,and make their own way, they are Vampires! They need us!
Arguing with these people is like being in the most frustrating tennis match. Keeping the ball in play until they have a chance to wrong foot you and then they go in for the kill
The only way to win is not to play 🤗
Exactly! With my brother I ended up stating, after grounding some strong boundaries: « I hope you got at least the satisfaction of being a good brother ». He didn’t replied. I’m expecting a great revenge 🤣
Every conversation with my x female narc was a total mind game. She could never follow threw with any plans for us always future faking. They have no true identity always feeding off their supply for their emotional needs. A professional victim. True damaged soul..
Dr. Phil, you did great in life. Your father had every reasons to be proud of you.
If being whit a covert nacissit it was hell! still recover afhter 5 years!
I'm sorry to know that was your experience with your father. I've been married to a very covert narcissist for over 37 years. No fun. Warm--and I mean WARM--greetings from Waco. 🥵🌼
@@strongwolfmommyFYI Thank you! I'll take them even when they're online. 🥲❤️
My sister is a passive aggressive covert narcissist married to an overt narcissist. I have had to go no contact with them. Finally, my mind is clear and not confused. She always left me feeling like what just happened. I would be so confused! They are very tricky and sly people. Her husband is so much easier to spot bc he’s so overt about it.
The female covert narcissist I met some years ago could scan my insecurities, imperfections, trained incompetence and 'untrained acquired competence' but for the most part, she must have known that I have been abused Psychologically by my boss. She manipulatide, triangulated, harassed, abused, exploited, gaslighted and sabotaged me to the extent of suffering torture and horror in very few months (less than 5 months) that outweigh 40 years of hardship during my life. Consciously or not, she's been the arm of the devil
" I broke up with my abusive boyfriend, but I'm scared... I think he did something with my outside lights because they aren't working. Do you think you could maybe take a look?", she said. Sure enough, the sensors were all unplugged. Easy fix!
"Can you stay for dinner? It's the least I can do, and I really don't want to be alone right now..."
Wasn't I the white knight helping a beautiful damsel in distress!!
Went through the whole love-bombing thing and all the games that followed... Afterwards, I ran into her ex and asked him why he didn't warn me about her. He said, "Would you have believed me?"
And yes, she unplugged those light sensors for him too...
@@IFY0USEEKAY Sometimes, we just learn the hard way but we deserve to pass the same test without failure
@@IFY0USEEKAYTHINKING WITH YOUR LITTLE HEAD AGAIN.
Sounds like the Jezebel spirit. They have no empathy or remorse. Showing kindness or trying to make peace doesn't work. Your pain is their pleasure. They love seeing family and friends turn against you that they cause. They villanize you and act like th victim to ensure they turn people against you. When you react to their covert aggressive abuse, they use it to prove their point to people that they are trying to turn against you. When you do good to them, they repay you have evil. The craziest part of all of this is that they truly believe that they are good and you are bad for which in their minds justify all the nasty things they continually do to you. They are in one word, evil.
@@IFY0USEEKAY🫨🫨🫨🫨🫨🤦♂️WOW
If they discard you consider yourself saved! Lol! The best way to get rid of a narc is just act in ways where they will discard you sooner! Make yourself as undesireable and disgusting to them as possible.. like a beetle making a strange smell squirt
Not the beetle 😅😂
that is so true... my mother could never give us a compliment, and when someone gave us a compliment, she would say something nasty to take the compliment away, almost out of jealousy. I had lost a lot of weight when i was 19, and i had a new bathing suit. My aunt gave me a compliment on my shape, and my mother had to add: ...but she has big legs like her paternal grandmother . She said that in front of everybody, to make me feel bad after receiving a nice compliment. This is mean. She was always comparing us to her. If we came back with a good grade in writing for example, she would always say: well, I always got 100% in writing. Which would always make us feel like she was better then us, as if the 92% grade was not good enough.
My first husband was a Covert Narcissist. I thought I could cheer him up. I paid him room and board and waited on him. He wouldn’t consummate the marriage because I was too fat ( I was 5’8” and weighed 123-3 pounds less than Miss America of the same height). I refused a raise because it would have made me richer than he was. He never said he loved me or praised me.
That sucks.
Wow!
Ever dumb yourself down for anyone! It won’t stop until you are totally destroyed!
You’re so correct with your assessment about a Covert Narcissist I delt with one in my life for 6 years yep! they’re something else with they’re games, manipulations, etc… some professional mental therapists do believe the Covert Narcissist is actually the most dangerous too
They subtely try to destroy you behind closed doors and contribute nothing...until there's something to take credit for. Then they show up to take credit for all your work. Example, I spent months writing a database for my work and at the Christmas party that year, he apparently told my boss that he wrote it for me. I found out a year later on my last day working there. I went to say bye to my boss and asked him for advice, and he mentioned it, so my boss basically thought I was lying the whole time. So many things like this happened. Meanwhile the narc had no job.
Absolutely! I'm always amazed by their laziness, but they still manage to get praise for "their" work. I had a co-worker like this. She was at the same level as me, but had formed strategic friendships with key players in management, and actually managed to convince many at the company that she was my boss. She took credit for my ideas and work (including ideas that she had dismissed and criticized), did very little of the actual work, but was always front and centre for the acknowledgement. They need the supply of adulation, but aren't willing to do the work. The also get supply from your reaction to seeing them get away with it - it makes them feel superior.
@Gneiss365 wow, and so many people just believe them. I had a supervisor literally put her name on a huge research report I conducted and wrote. She just put her name on it and she was praised for all the work she did. No mention of my contribution. Terrible leaders who just use people. She even contacted me years later to recruit me to work for her. Umm, no thanks. 👎
Wow, I definitely hear the blame shame guilt and criticism and then when I bring it up at a counselor she vehemently denies and all blame is dumped on me.
Also I’m accused of not having any empathy when the opposite is true. There’s so many things hitting home I may have to watch it again.
She tries to turn the counselor against you? Use the voice recorder on your phone and get some of her audio to play to the counselor.
This is the silent and deadly kind, professional victim, oh poor me poor me! RUN!
Thank you! My husband will not EVER give me any kind of compliment about my sewing, painting, cooking, sex, nothing - or encourage my endeavors. Thank you for the affirmation!!
I’m praying for a solution. I’m 71 and not financially able to divorce.
Praying 🙏🏼😥
Wishing you all the best and hope you get to escape safely very soon.
I'm 70. Hubby 80. Married nearly 50 years. There's no escape.
@@RPP-l9k I did leave! I don’t know how it happened. One day in May I just said, “I’m moving out tomorrow.” Wow. Now divorced as of 2 wks ago. Truly God opened a door for me. I can hardly remember how it happened so fast. And I took most of the furniture too. And the appraisal on the house came in higher, so he’s already asked me to accept less. No, I won’t. If it were lower, he wouldn’t offer to give me more, I’m sure. I’ve prayed for you to get away, too!
The worst is when the narc runs around to your family and friends and gaslight all into believing you did or said something you've not done or said so as to rally support for themselves and to isolate you and make you the problem in everyone's eyes.
They are convincing actors and so you are left feeling frustrated, lonely and victimized!
Yes. They are trouncing you at a game that you aren't even aware is being played. Then one day someone brings up some stuff that never happened and you begin to unravel the web of lies.
@@joshuamorrison8332
Precisely!
People treat you differently from before and you can't understand why until you learn what lies have been told behind your back.
@@boldchick101 The worst part is you can't even tell them "don't believe x" because you have no idea what has been said. I just told them to judge me on what they know about me and not ugly rumors.
@@joshuamorrison8332
So true.
It is an eye opener to see who believes the worst lies without taking into consideration what is already known about your true character.
❤Dr Phil breaking it down so WELL..... One of my favorite people for over 20 years!
Watch the quiet ones who give the impression they would not hurt a fly.
My dad was a overt narcissist hidden to me by his alcoholism. Reading his journal after his death he wrote after becoming sober I read who he really was. Because of him I left home at 16, taking my mom with me and we moved into a apartment along with my then 19 yr old boyfriend. He actually came up with the idea to get the place. A month later with some subliminal pressure from my mom because she was embarrassed with me living in a apartment with my boyfriend, so I was married 30 days after moving in. The boyfriend turned out to be a a covert narcissist. In the beginning he was my hero, he ended up being my worst enemy. He has by his choice no relationship with his kids. It started out as his choice but it’s their’s now. The youngest my boy was the first to write him off, they never had a close bond anyway and says he isn’t worth the drama he brings. My middle child tried the hardest to please him because she had been his favorite. But once I was rid of him he wanted her to be his adult and that ended that. My oldest always wanted to be a daddy’s girl but he held a grudge against her for being a mommy’s girl at 2 yrs old. In the end she used him for monetary things until the cost to do that became to much. He became a alcoholic after I kicked him out of the house when the oldest was 15 and my boy, the youngest was 6. I was left with CPTSD, chronic depression and anxiety, my now grown 3 kids, my granddaughters who he doesn’t know (3 never met) and a home.
He has nothing.
He’s on disability because he caught himself on fire while sleeping to close to the campfire while homeless. He got severe burns to his leg and hand. We don’t know where he stays and we, me and his children, don’t care. My kids say until the day he dies he will believe I wouldn’t have kicked him out if I wouldn’t have been influenced by my best friend and he hates her for it. She doesn’t care what happens to him either.
I mean you certainly care enough to share extremely personal events regarding your children. Its cool tho u didn't tell that many people. Lol
I didn’t share names just that they exist. They are doing alright.
These types of very informative videos should be screened to 2nd level high school students. Nobody talks about this stuff, because until you've found out the hard way, nobody is aware that they deal with these strange individuals everyday. Forewarned is forearmed. My advice is to steer clear of these strange people, but if you can't avoid them, don't take their bullsh?t
Yeah that will never happen! They'd rather teach 2nd graders to be trannies, shove LGBT matters down all students throats, dumb them down, feminize the males and promote the objectification of women.
I recently had to ‘cancel’ two of my sisters. Let them have the last word.
This video just wants me to say to my wife how wonderful she truly is and how proud i am of my daughter.
It is really bad when someone consider their own children like some kind of competition.
Dr. Phil thank you. I have been used over and over again by a covert narcissist who does exactly like you said .claims she is a victim and she would be better and more successful and rich if she had help like i seemed to get and the other people she knows who have surpassed her, that get help. She is the most envious person I know. Never gives a compliment. Expects people to cow-tow to her and she really seems a bit off with delusions of grandeur. Always looking for sympathy and playing the victim card. Hard to be around her. Her passive aggressiveness is also very insulting to me. I'm done with her.
Covert narcissists are very difficult to spot but if they were a mix of covert and somatic, if both types found in one narc, the victim is doomed and needs a miracle to survive
I love this man 🥹❤️Thank You ~ we are proud of you- true ENFJ❤️❤️
Hello Dani where are you from
thank you Dr Phil , you are 100% right
Scary when they confuse you. Its amazing how you would never know until you realize the lying and shadiness. You would think they are the nicest person in the world. Then they destroy your life.
My dad is a preacher started preaching at 15 years old..Hes 72 still preaching..He Loves to tell me how wrong I am...That I have a bad memory..That my brain doesn't work right. 4 1/2 years ago he kicked me inside of the DMV and of course denies it . He absolutely accuses me of doing things that I don't do..When he is the 1 who hurts me..I cut him off 3 1/2 years ago no contact..So peaceful ..He still calls me wondering why I don't want to talk 🤷 I just let him leave a message..then I delete it without listening to it.. Absolutely crazy Dr.Phil u would love talking to me..my life wow.. actually I would love to talk to you...I'm 47
I am not taking responsibility for the narcissists bad behavior over and over in the process ruining my 11 year old sons life!!!!
That’s why I’m seeking Justice. His name is Luke.
Dr. Phil, I never would have believed it, until I SAW IT. OMG YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT THE RAGE IS LIKE.
Dr. Phil, it’s important to give both perspectives. Truth is the only way through. Brushing off complex trauma isn’t empathy. It’s consciously doing the same thing the narcissist is unconsciously doing. The narcissist is protecting themselves from being or feeling toxically shamed. Although the outcome is not right, their inner dialogue is to not be shamed the way they were as a child, it’s an unhealthy tool they developed as a child in order to survive. Once an adult, that tool starts to wreck their life but it’s so buried inside they can’t recognize it because the outside view from someone else is not what’s happening on the inside for them.
I think many of us have used some of the comments here but are not covert narcissists. I enjoy listening to Dr. Phil because I learn something new every time.
I get compliments in front of family and friends. Thats where it stops
Evil. Bullies,Insults, Invalidation,,Dismissal,Two Different People,Horrible, Miserable People.COLD. RUN AWAY!
And LIARS.PATHOLIGICAL LIARS.
Dr. Phil, I want you for my son. You are the greatest. Thanks.
The sad truth . Dr Phil is spot on
Happened to me. Met a woman that is a covert narcissist, dated for 8 months. As time went by she reeled me in. Telling me how much she loved me, what a great guy I am, she wanted us to grow old together, “I’ve dreamed of finding a good guy like you” “ I didn’t think guys like you existed”, talked about moving in together, talked about future plans, on and on and on went her kind words, I truly loved her. BTW, we were both in our early 60’s. She professed her Christian beliefs and how important that was to her. Took two vacations together. I was treated her well, stepped up and was always there when she needed me or something. She had a personal injury, I was there and took care of her, helped her with the limitations she was experiencing, she did heal from the injury.
She was a manipulator, always a positive spin on things, superficial, trouble forming lasting attachment (even though she said she wanted that sooooo much). She couldn't focus on things, jumped around all the time, said it was BC she's "neurospicy" what ever that means. Remember couple times she "cried" around me BC she was upset about something, thing is, no tears fell, just the noises.
There were red flags I saw, but ignored them, that’s on me I know. She was in control, always the one “driving the bus” in terms of control of when and how much time we spent together, her words and actions matched up about 50% of the time. Then month after month after hearing her tell me how great I am and how much she loved me, POOF, she ended it like that, said she did not think we were “compatible long term”. As I look back, I wonder if any of what she told me was true, or if she knew all along it wasn’t going to last and was just using me the whole time.
Same thing happened to me. We we're dating for 7 months and things we're wonderful he ghosted me. I'm heartbroken and not sure if the whole thing was a lie. I tried to give him space and called him after six weeks his voicemail was full so I hung up and didn't leave a text message either. That was a month ago and he's never gotten back to me. I will probably never know what happened. It really hurts.
@@doglover5519 sorry it happened to you. Sure hurts when someone "future fakes" you. Let him go, he will only hurt you deeper. I have had no contact with mine even though I think about her , she's poison.
YOU MUST EXIT. RUN, ASAP. THEY WILL DESTROY YOU. IF YOU WANT A LIFE, YOU MUST LEAVE.
Is there any type of narcissist that can give compliments without just in purpose of making themselves come across as nice? I'v been near one in work-situation and I think he's not just a narcissist but also a sociopath. I say sociopath and not psychopath because this person cares a lot about animals. Rescues them. Otherwise he is that classic type that pretends to be your friend and even protector and then he turns on you in the most malicious way. He often said to me; "Everywhere you are there is trouble" but he also could say "I have talked to so and so and they think you are doing a very good job". Now I think he used that compliment as a way to come across as the really nice guy. It was to make him look better - not me feeling better of my work. Thank you for a great show, greetings from Sweden.
I'm so sorry Phil 😢 That's so sad to never hear.I'm proud of you but you raise good kids,You have a good wife that's all that matters.
Thank you for covering this type of narcissist!
Grew up with one brother and his narcissistic ways have been an onslaught for 50+ years. He was able to split up a 55 year marriage of my parents and then enjoyed watching them get destroyed. He is the scariest person I know. I haven’t spoken to him for 20 years. He’s dangerous and predictably unpredictable. Only time has been on my side because my cousins are coming around one by one letting me know they ‘see him’. Omg Dr Phil you hit the nail on the head!
My brother even tells people he’s a non commission officer and a medic in war. Lmao! People believe his baloney. He’s never gone to higher education and had to take classes in elementary school twice. Yet he thinks he’s the cats pajamas. Ugh
Sounds like my covert narc parents! They broke my spirit. I went no contact. I'm better now, but it has taken many years!
I have been the appointed scapegoat my entire life. My narcissistic mother is 94 and still at it.
I have had several in my life and they have just about killed me. But people don’t have any idea.
The pain of your own family not believing you is gut wrenching 💔😭 I have always been a very loyal, caring honest person who I thought came from a good family, but my own mother can’t seem to wrap her head around ‘covert narcissist abuse’ as she only bases things on what she’s see’s. I would never lie, I’m am such an honest person with high values, huge empath, put others before myself, she keeps trying to make logic out of the narc abuse. I am completely alone in the world and suffering excruciating pains migraine attacks chronic health, I have been fighting a losing battle for over a decade. The pain is unimaginable, truely is. In the darkest place yet 💔😔😭
The covert narcissist on my family is ripping us apart! But, I have God on my side! Nothing is impossible for God.
They are always disappointed because reality doesn't match up with expectation. Or she criticizes others with "suggestions" on how the thing could be improved upon. My 99 year old narcissist mother also has OCD. I grew up in a home where her preferences had the force of moral judgement: there is only one correct way to wash the dishes, and my way was wrong so she had to elbow in to do it "right". Then she'd sigh to her friends that I never helped around the house. Add martyrdom to her resume! Everyone tells me how sweet she is and how lucky I am that she is still alive. There are others who hear the things she says and shoot me covert, sympathetic glances. She doesn't fool everyone.
This is a wealth of information! My mother is this type and at 55 I’m finally in therapy. Now I’ve been unraveling the patterns and thinking I’m gonna “ Bruce Lee “ my way out of this 😬✌️😄 🤦🏼♀️ This is Ans has been a process ❤️✌️🤪
Don’t never except anything else than what you’re giving !!!
❤
"Must be nice..." That really resonates with me. I can't even count the number of times I've heard that. Maybe it's their way of giving themselves the green light to do whatever they like, no matter how wrong they know it is. Because, entitlement.
Wow, he just described my father and mother. My last email I got from my mother eight years ago. I've been no contact with them, she blamed me for being so arrogant and saying that I think I'm so much better than the rest of her kids, and my doctors degree, "just a piece of paper". Incidentally, they had the money and they had the time to attend that graduation ceremony and they did not do it. Talking about me behind my back since, I can't remember. I was 59 when I had that revolution that they are narcissist!
It was a battlefield growing up, but everything looked good from the outside,. My mother used to say, "what are people gonna think".
I was with mine for 7 years. Through the cycle many times. I finally left a month ago and now he is the biggest into church and has trauma from childhood. I got a text this morning saying "i forgive you" 😵💫 forgive me for what? 🙄 i guess he forgives me for leaving to find my own peace for me and my kids. Its amazing, no anger or yelling in over a month. We can just be ❤
He started going to my church that I begged him to go to for years. Suddenly was "taking the kids" but wouldn't even get up to go with us before. He retained my lawyer that I used in a previous divorce, before I had even moved out at that. Now he is playing victim at its finest and now he forgives me. 🙄 It's meant to throw me into confusion or leave me racking my brain wondering what he forgives Me for.... even knowing the tactics its still hard to fight off. We can escape them but how long does it take to escape their voice in our heads disguised as our own? That is the real question.
I was married to one, had a child and left when my baby was 1 year and 5 months....my life was hell.....he is a Covert.....it's scary SCARY SCARY and you are 100% correct.
Yes they will actually say”
THAT NEVER HAPPENED”.
Sick. 😮😮😮
I once worked with a psychopath, he never worked, all he this was messing things up for laughs, constant pranks and made the work life a hell because someone needed to do the job or it would turn into a chaos because of him. That was a rough time.
Narcissists don't like me. I refuse to doubt myself and I want evidence to prove I'm wrong. If proof is not offered, I will leave them alone. I don't listen to anyone who cannot prove evidence
We are accountable for how we choose to interpret what we see or experience, and we're accountable for how we act on our interpretations. we're only responsible for what we say or do, we can't be responsible for how others interpret us. This is not mutually exclusive with compassion or empathy. It just means that we are all accountable for what we bring to each moment. There are no victims and no villains in this world, only the lies we turn into our truths.
Classic parroting