I stayed stressed and alone for 15 months over loss of daughter and loss of another 1 that fell into the worse destructive addiction I've ever seen .I know I stopped or barely ate for several months ,my bottom teeth started crumbling from lack of nutrition, I think my health is okay as far as I know ,I'm doing a lot better now that my loved one is in rehab ,I never stopped believing and praying.Im so thankful knowing someday my loved one will be healthy and back to a person who will have a life again..I lost 2 in different ways at once .I love and have compassion for all the broken people suffering.
My husband was very successful and even tempered. If he had an issue in life that he had tried to make work and could not, he would say: "I have done all I can and I cannot do anything more. I am sorry." And then he would walk away from the situation, whatever it was. Another thing he said was, "I have done all I can and I am not doing any good, so I cannot do any more." My husband has passed and I occasionally use these comments when I find myself in a situation where I have tried very hard and not done any good.
My husband became addicted in ‘06. I was diagnosed with MS in ‘10 and Crohn’s in ‘12. I 100% believe that dealing with my situation and not having a support system is what triggered these things.
I also was diagnosed with MS in 06’ when I lived with a emotional abusive person. I left that relationship years ago but my MS got worse last year when my husband addiction was at its worst
I was diagnosed with graves disease about a year into my family member's addiction. It's torn me down to my lowest level. It's very difficult to take care of myself when I worry endlessly about my dear loved one. My cortisol level is actually very,very low, from decades of being in fight or flight from my own family trauma before my loved one's addiction. I have a support system now, but I still can't sleep or stop ruminating on all the scary things that did happen and are yet to happen.
Amber, your videos have helped me more than you can imagine. There are no other resources out there that give the kind of insight you give. Most just say to get them into some expensive rehab and everything will be fine. I’ve found out the hard way it is not that simple. You offer all these great videos for free when you don’t have to. You and your team are a blessing to those of us dealing with addiction.
Amber, I appreciate you saying this. Suppressing our feelings, as CRAFT teaches, can be very difficult. Everything can seem to be about what is best for the addicted loved one, at the cost of the family member. There has to be a balance. I might have violated the rules of craft by writing a letter to my spouse (matter of factly, yet still tenderly) describing how an incidence affected me. I had to do it for my own sanity. Healthy people live in reality and I had to speak the truth for my own sake. He blew it off, and minimized his behavior, as I anticipated, but I felt more sane for saying what I did. For the most part, I can ignore and walk around the ‘giant elephant’ in the living room that we’re not talking about, but at some point when it sits on you, I have to speak up.
My husband is an active alcoholic. I’ve been in Al-Anon for 2 yrs. It’s helped me some as for as support but not anything with my husband. Ive been listening to you for awhile and trying to give my husband positive reinforcement. Tell him I enjoy doing things with him but not added when your sober. Also we say one thing we are grateful for each day. (Someday he doesn’t) Also started reading daily biblical readings. If nothing else it’s making me more positive and I’m hoping it will change him. He has change talk but then has recently added going to a bar to drink. (use to stay home) I’m just going to keep on and let him see it’s nicer on this side of the street than the drinking.
Any sort of ongoing arguing, yelling, bickering, belittling, will create hormone imbalances, cortisol in particular. Stress! Abusive situations involving a love one regardless of addiction can cause autoimmune disorders. I was diagnosed with Grave Disease I recall like an alarm, that my symptoms came on when the abuse started.
I go to Al Anon, and I have an Al Anon sponsor. I work the 12 steps. I have a good therapist. I read, watch vids, talk to friends and family. It takes a village to support the partner of an alcoholic. After 2+ years, I now have a voice. Unfortunately I waited too long to come out of denial and get help, and I developed a chronic pain condition that alters my life. My partner finally got treatment also. We are getting better. But, I think we will need to always have treatment and support for the rest of our lives. A serious and destructive disease that shatters lives and families. Get support and educate yourself about the disease. Speak out no matter who tries to shut you down. Learn about boundaries and codependency. It’s hard work.
Thanks! I will be donating another $100 throughout 2023! This channel is super important to me and everyone who wants a better life! I wish I could do more for this channel and am grateful to have this safe space! Happy New Year everyone!
Great great video 💖 I finally understand who and what Al Anon was for 3.5 years ago. I worked on me, made better boundaries, sought counseling, and even pastoral help. My addicted/alcoholic husband doesn't seem to want to work towards health and recovery. So since we have children, he is literally forcing me to leave and seek a healthy place for our children to live. Soon, I will be persuing divorce to reach this goal. I'm super sad. But I will keep watching videos and working on myself, and hopefully be able to teach my children how to grow and watch out for these destructive behaviors.
I love Dr.Mate. I don’t think you are asking me to suppress my feelings, rather, if we are unable to leave, or choosing to be of support, you are telling us how to get through it. I think about “I’m telling you what works, not what’s fair” every time I feel conflicted. It reminds me that I have a choice. If I continue to support my love one, then I’m choosing not to play by “fair” rules. “Fair” is irrelevant, what is the goal? However, I did choose to leave my relationship because I was being abused. I still chose to show support at a distance and use your methods. I agreed with some of the things that you say that other counselors would never say. It just feels right. And your approach to the addict is a loving non judgement approach very much in line with Dr. Mate. You both have been instrumental in my recovery from my love ones addiction and affects of addiction in my childhood. I do however, take responsibility for my choices. Thank you for this wonderful video and all that you do for us.
I’m so grateful to you, Amber, for sharing your own insecurities and doubts in this video. I understand that we all need to decide for ourselves when we need to remove ourselves from the struggle for the sake of our own well-being, but this video in particular has helped me immensely. Your work is so valuable and your vulnerability in this video is such a gift to me. Thank you.
Have seen Mother's of addicted adult sons run themselves into early graves or death after car crashes, retirement funds gone, and daily worry and misery. Meanwhile, the addict lives on, goes on.
You are awesome, Amber! I totally relate with this. After significant trauma over my life topped with divorce and abandonment, add no support, isolation...my immune system and cellular energy is tanked. Haven't been tested for cancer. Lost a lot of weight. ??? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU ARE DOING!!!❤️🤗
Thank you for this. I have been watching your videos a long time. I even had sessions with one of your counselors. I always felt guilty that I left my husband. I felt he might have stopped drinking if I had stayed and really followed your program. This video is just what I needed. I had to leave before he really physically hurt me. My husband’s counselor had told me my husband was emotionally abusing me and hinted that I should leave. Thank you so much for this. It is just what I needed to hear.
Just want to say thank you again. This topic has always been a huge question mark for me when reading posts in the FB group talking about suppressing our feelings and self-sacrificing. I’ve wondered many times if it was really healthy and I worry that some of the members don’t know or care how much they’re hurting themselves.
After 15yrs with an addict. I need to get my uterus removed and have thryoid issues and just turned 40 😩 i need a blood transfusion because i lose too much monthly 😢
Amber THANK YOU Thank you!!!! This message means so much to me, I’ve dealt with recurring trauma since I was an infant, including dealing with my father’s addiction and recently my husband’s addiction after finding out I’m infertile. Fast forward to this past year I learned I have a rare autoimmune disease MCTD which all doctors have said I must reduce stress to keep my disease. My personality falls directly into what Dr. Mate talks about regarding striving to be perfect and to never be a burden on others…your methods work, they worked for our family BUT I’ve definitely paid for my life long trauma with my health.
trying to be there and help my ex find his way thru alcoholism nearly killed me. lord knows what long term effects that stress has had on me but two years of it nearly broke me. i had to get out to save one of us.
This is so true, my body is crystal clear, when I'm stressed, when something goes wrong with my addicted loved one, I immediately get skin rashes, stomach pain and depression even though I have been learning to separate my emotions from all this. I need to check my breasts 🥺🥺🥺
I left my alcoholic husband 35 years ago after nearly 4 years of lies, tears and chaos. We had a two year old son at the time. I was able to make my decision to leave after attending Alanon for 12 months. No-one in Alanon encouraged me to to stay or leave they just gave me to knowledge, strength and support to make my own decision and at the time I thought it would be the hardest things ever to do in my life as I was in love the the ‘good’ part of my husband. I went on to marry a wonderful non alcoholic man. Thirty seven years later our son is an addict. Like his father he has ADHD self medicates but more with weed and prescription pills off the street than alcohol although when he does drink there is always some drama with police involved. Dealing with him and the chaos and heartache is 1000 times harder. It’s the homelessness when I kick him out that I have difficulty dealing with but when he does get a roof ove this head he causes drama and gets kicked out. I am going to binge watch these videos and consider going back to Alanon. Life is agony with an addict.
I appreciate you shining the light on this aspect of addiction. I am part of a family who has suffered with generational alcoholism.I am committed to ending the spiral of despair so it doesn’t carry forward into my granddaughters generation. Having said that, I have remained silent for decades to those who engage in addiction. At 47 years of age I got diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. I have Lyme disease and also manage long term effects from West Nile. I have always prioritized well being. I eat clean and exercise daily. I now know, nobody self destructs alone. Indeed my health challenges are proof. Thank you for being a great resource, your videos are making a difference in my world.
I knew it! I need to exit this relationship. So many doctors basically said I need to get my stress under control. Then my acupuncturist said she can only take my body so far until I get my mind healed so I dove into therapy and ditched the docs. But I really do need to go in for a checkup. Thank you again for your content. Sooooo helpful! 😊
So glad to hear you address this. I heard Dr. Mate' lecture and I had light bulb moments too!!!! I, luckily, am a breast cancer survivor, and the criteria apply to me!! Again, I'm glad to hear you address this.
Often we give in to the addict because we are so tired of dicussions with them. We give small amounts of money or settle a debt of the addict because we cannot live in fear, that they may do something terrible. We prefer our addict to be alive than death. Sometimes we need to sleep or to rest, in oder to go on with our normal lives, our jobs, attend our duties, have some peace, so we allow them to manipulate us. I mean it is a kind of short term selfcare. Because to be afraid for your child all the time because they are on the streets is very consuming and destroying our own health ...
I hear exactly what you're saying and lived that way for a long time. When my adult son started using (fentanyl) he had a job, a new car, and an apartment. As his problem became evident, I was so freaked out that he would lose everything before he had a chance to get help, my husband and I would take care of his rent or make a car payment- anything to keep him from "losing it all" while he got help to get clean. Part of me did this so I could avoid the emotional train wreck I knew I'd face as well. He would get himself off the pills for a coupla months at a time but then relapse and it would start all over again. My husband finally said enough was enough and we had to let him deal with the consequences. I fell apart and panicked at the thought of him losing everything and living on the streets. It completely overwhelmed me! After nearly a year of my enabling him, I finally made the hardest transition of MY life, especially since he's my only child. He's been on the streets for two and a half years now and just had his 32nd birthday on the 15th. It hurts SO bad to look back on the past few years, and this last birthday was especially hard because he actually entered detox a coupla months ago but after 10 days clean, he left and went back on the streets. I know what you're going through, feeling held hostage, fearing the consequences your loved one will face, thereby YOU having to go through your OWN emotions because of it. It absolutely consumes you! In order to have just ONE moment of peace for yourself, just one stress free day or a decent night's sleep, you give them that $20 they owe someone, so you don't worry about them getting their a!@# kicked in. Then you can't stand yourself for giving into them. It's a neverending rollercoaster ride that is NOT fun and you can't get off the damn ride! The duality that we face everyday as moms dealing with our addicted child, is a hard life to live and I guess the only way I've been able to keep my own sanity is to live MY life one day at a time. We all hear that saying, but learning how to DO it is wicked hard in itself. You need to allow yourself to go through the emotions and if you give in, just to give yourself a break for that moment, don't dwell on it and above all forgive yourself! When it's your child you love them unconditionally and you're up against something that isn't easily fixed. I really hope you have someone that you can turn to and talk to when you have a bad day or a weak moment. Above all, forgive yourself when you make a mistake and get as much help as you can for yourself. Our addicted children, even adult children, need us so much more than they know, so please take care of yourself. As long as your child is still alive, they still have a chance at living again, not simply existing. I pray God watches over your child and ALL those that are out on the streets 🙏❤️✨️
@@jenniferandrews8449 Thank you for your long answer/comment 💝... it is very helpful. I will read it several times. I know almoat always that giving in in these situations is a wrong way and "very shortterm" selfcare, and Amber has explained it often, too. But sometimes there are other problems and strugles going on, and we make these mistakes 😰. Now, I am trying to take care of myself in other aspects, like not being available personally at all hours, meet more often with good friends, go back to hobbies y gave up because of the addict ... so that I will find better strengh to say NO to more thk gs, and develop proper SELFCARE. Yesterday I said NO to 20 $. I remembered: NO is a full sentence. I was so proud of myslelf!
@Å. Đ.Ř. that's wicked awesome you said no AND that was the entire sentence! I love how you put that!! I'm sorry I got a little long winded there. . .I could feel the frustration in your words and it really resonated with me! It sounds awful, but unfortunately they know how to play on our emotions and they get good at wearing us down. It's really the drugs doing it, but in the moment, the lines can get blurred!! I've had to reduce my contact with my son to texting UNLESS it's seriously important. He also knows if I'm gonna answer his call and he starts asking for money, I'm gonna hang up. If he continues to blow up my phone, I put the phone on silent and turn it over so I don't see how many times he calls or texts and after a short time, he realizes he's not gonna get whatever it is he wants. I hate to admit this, but I'm much better at staying strong when I'm only texting him. We know ourselves and our kids, and we havta find what works best for us and build on that. I still give in at times, simply because I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with him, and then I get pissed at myself, but then it's a new day. Like I said, it's so hard to live like this everyday, but as a mom, you do what you must, even when we want to give up sometimes. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers and go easy on yourself. It's really all we can do and the rest is in God's hands! 😊
@@jenniferandrews8449 So well explained. I get long winded myself very often, too; so no problem. And when writing in English I can mess up my comments sometimes🤦♀️. But some situations need a lot of words to be explained ... Furthermore, writing for others make us see things clearer ourselfes. It is simliar to speak in our familygroup meetings, in my opinion. Thank you Jennifer for your prayers, I will pray for you, your son, your family too ..🙏🙏🙏 See you in Amber's comment sections ...💞 ... have a nice evening, greatings from Europe.
THIS was the video I’ve been looking for while bingeing your videos 😅 I’ve been living with my addict sibling for 13 years. I have become chronically ill because of the stress. He finally went to rehab a year ago. 90 days. It hasn’t changed much. If anything, I find him far more difficult now that he has a whack of new diagnoses and abusable medications that function as his new excuses. I always wonder if moving out would be cruel because maybe he needs another year to “really stop abusing drugs”. But I think I got my answer in this video. THANK YOU AMBER 🙏🙏🙏
This is why I have been in my own Al Anon recovery for over a decade. Al Anon is not there to fix the alcoholic, it is a program for the family. So, if you go into it thinking "This will give me the answers I need to get him to stop X, Y, Z," you will be disappointed. I don't know how anyone gets through co-dependency without a spiritual program of some kind. I feel that my Al Anon recovery is what allows me to handle the difficulties of CRAFT in a better way.
Amber, having had 2 breast biopsies since may, i'm super glad that i just found this video! My major support is G-d, so far my test results indicate no cancer. That's it in a nutshell. Thank G-d,!!!❤
This is so so important, I think it would be great included in your intro/“new here” playlists. Thank you for sharing. What video were you referencing about the psychological effects of caretaking? And how do you know when you’re being abused vs when your health problems are caused by codependency/caring too much?
I'm 64, daughter 34, texted me all this week, she relapsed again and calls me the worst names and wishes I was dead as she's in a hotel drinking 7 days straight. My body is having alot of stomach, anxiety and heartbreak
I developed graves disease about 2 years after I married my alcaholic..I couldn't figure out why l was so sick all the time,working full time and dealing with his Rollercoaster emotions and chronic fights..thank God I found you first then gabor mate' .my alcaholic is finally after seven years out on his own and Iam back to my authentic self with a better support system too.
If your addicted loved one lives with you or on your property, but has no job, no money, no option to live elsewhere, and won’t do the necessary steps for recovery, what does the family do? Put them on the street and make them homeless? Take them to a homeless shelter? What options are there, because I have no idea.
Hi Amber, this video set up seems much better than the one you are currently using. In the newer videos the microphone sticks out like a sore thumb and distracts. In this video I feel as if you are sitting across from me.
Yes, I agree. The microphone is distracting. It's right in front of my face. But it does help the sound quality. The tech part of making videos is a tough one for me.
I love Gabor Mate. I noticed my body was talking to me the last month my son was in my home with me. i developed a lump behind my right ear that was achy and my hips were sore when i would sit or get up from a chair. . my body was talking to me for sure. I am finding i am very emotional and have been crying a lot. not sobbing but crying like while im pulling weeds, or meditating outside under the sun. i can feel my tears running down my face and i just let it happen. i dont think ill ever not be sad but i also know there is hope and i try to keep my eyes on that. i have practiced plant medicine and my son knows about it too. i also practice breathing and showed my son once when i saw him having a stress, sight panic attack and he felt better immediately. my sons has many seeds that can sprout at any time, so i'm preparing myself by diving into new areas of learning about drug addiction. I want to be ready to meet him in the middle with a smile and a hug.
endometriosis stage 4 I was able to walk it back....stress definitely I had to change alot of lifestyle changes stressful events avoiding stressors....
North Western idea of having a mind/brain separated by our body is the Great mistake bio-medicine has made us believed in. We are a mindful body. Aboriginal and Indigenous medicines are totally spot on about this topic. As an anxious person I feel my hearth going mad many times when I am distressed. We should listen more to physicians who think like a totality. If there is abuse even more: think about the body health means a stronger mind and the capacity to make the right decision about that relation. Thank you Amber. Dr. Mate is brilliant. You too.
Question my brother when he drinks , he’ll go into what I call psychosis , he’ll scream , growl , talk to himself . His screaming won’t let me sleep . Is that considered physical or emotional abuse . I am constantly tired .
I have been trying the suggestion in these videos and can see a difference. However,the other night my husband blamed me for his drinking and told me he was tired of dealing with me. He also informed me that he played a recording that he had of me yelling to his psychiatrist at his appointment. In the morning I decided to tell him I felt betrayed( mistake), and leave the room. He said it was my fault he said those things that I did something and the playing of the tape was to get his dr opinion. I didn’t let it go like I should have. Emotions came out and now I feel like I have to start over. Months of work down the drain. I did apologize for getting emotional. Any suggestion on how to rebuild what I had going? Possible the Dr. said something to make me the bad guy?
Well I am so glad to see this video Christmas weekend was the last weekend of him being able to punch my body. He says he is truly sorry and it was the drugs which is not fair that he always has a excuse for him to do what ever he wants it's my fault he does drugs and the drugs fault he abuses me. And I'm the one hurting the most I can't believe I have fallen in love with someone more than I love my self is sad that I am the one that feels bad about trying to stay clear of him. Now I'm the one that has abandoned him and he can blame me for hurting him. Then the other part of me who has heard him say I love you so much your the world to me and I want nobody but you after the he has done drugs and td me all this hurtful stuff that nobody should have to hear or read when they love someone. It's just hurts so bad if I choose to give him another chance I have a chance if getting hurt more if I don't get back then I'm to blame and if he does get clean then another woman gets this awesome man that I really love I'm so broken right now 💔 And if I could afford counseling or therapy I would do it and all the free stuff out there is back up and the list are mileage long.
When the Body Says No (by Gabor Mate) 👉🏻👉🏻ruclips.net/video/c6IL8WVyMMs/видео.html
Thank you for sharing this. He's very insightful. I like what he has to say about addiction too.
I stayed stressed and alone for 15 months over loss of daughter and loss of another 1 that fell into the worse destructive addiction I've ever seen .I know I stopped or barely ate for several months ,my bottom teeth started crumbling from lack of nutrition, I think my health is okay as far as I know ,I'm doing a lot better now that my loved one is in rehab ,I never stopped believing and praying.Im so thankful knowing someday my loved one will be healthy and back to a person who will have a life again..I lost 2 in different ways at once .I love and have compassion for all the broken people suffering.
My husband was very successful and even tempered. If he had an issue in life that he had tried to make work and could not, he would say: "I have done all I can and I cannot do anything more. I am sorry." And then he would walk away from the situation, whatever it was. Another thing he said was, "I have done all I can and I am not doing any good, so I cannot do any more." My husband has passed and I occasionally use these comments when I find myself in a situation where I have tried very hard and not done any good.
My husband became addicted in ‘06. I was diagnosed with MS in ‘10 and Crohn’s in ‘12. I 100% believe that dealing with my situation and not having a support system is what triggered these things.
You don’t have a health issue problem. You have a boundary /self respect / self respect problem
I also was diagnosed with MS in 06’ when I lived with a emotional abusive person. I left that relationship years ago but my MS got worse last year when my husband addiction was at its worst
@@terrimoore258 Sorry to hear.
Absolutely. Wishing healing for you.
I was diagnosed with graves disease about a year into my family member's addiction. It's torn me down to my lowest level. It's very difficult to take care of myself when I worry endlessly about my dear loved one. My cortisol level is actually very,very low, from decades of being in fight or flight from my own family trauma before my loved one's addiction. I have a support system now, but I still can't sleep or stop ruminating on all the scary things that did happen and are yet to happen.
Amber, your videos have helped me more than you can imagine. There are no other resources out there that give the kind of insight you give. Most just say to get them into some expensive rehab and everything will be fine. I’ve found out the hard way it is not that simple. You offer all these great videos for free when you don’t have to. You and your team are a blessing to those of us dealing with addiction.
I second this
Awwwww thanks, Lisa and DB!
Yes!
Amber, I appreciate you saying this. Suppressing our feelings, as CRAFT teaches, can be very difficult. Everything can seem to be about what is best for the addicted loved one, at the cost of the family member. There has to be a balance. I might have violated the rules of craft by writing a letter to my spouse (matter of factly, yet still tenderly) describing how an incidence affected me. I had to do it for my own sanity. Healthy people live in reality and I had to speak the truth for my own sake. He blew it off, and minimized his behavior, as I anticipated, but I felt more sane for saying what I did. For the most part, I can ignore and walk around the ‘giant elephant’ in the living room that we’re not talking about, but at some point when it sits on you, I have to speak up.
You are amazing Amber Hollingsworth Thank you for being the light
Wow, thank you!
My husband is an active alcoholic. I’ve been in Al-Anon for 2 yrs. It’s helped me some as for as support but not anything with my husband. Ive been listening to you for awhile and trying to give my husband positive reinforcement. Tell him I enjoy doing things with him but not added when your sober. Also we say one thing we are grateful for each day. (Someday he doesn’t) Also started reading daily biblical readings. If nothing else it’s making me more positive and I’m hoping it will change him. He has change talk but then has recently added going to a bar to drink. (use to stay home) I’m just going to keep on and let him see it’s nicer on this side of the street than the drinking.
Any sort of ongoing arguing, yelling, bickering, belittling, will create hormone imbalances, cortisol in particular. Stress! Abusive situations involving a love one regardless of addiction can cause autoimmune disorders.
I was diagnosed with Grave Disease I recall like an alarm, that my symptoms came on when the abuse started.
OMG. I was diagnosed with Graves disease too. It was the the intense stress of the addiction situation.
I go to Al Anon, and I have an Al Anon sponsor. I work the 12 steps. I have a good therapist. I read, watch vids, talk to friends and family. It takes a village to support the partner of an alcoholic. After 2+ years, I now have a voice. Unfortunately I waited too long to come out of denial and get help, and I developed a chronic pain condition that alters my life. My partner finally got treatment also. We are getting better. But, I think we will need to always have treatment and support for the rest of our lives. A serious and destructive disease that shatters lives and families. Get support and educate yourself about the disease. Speak out no matter who tries to shut you down. Learn about boundaries and codependency. It’s hard work.
Gabor Mate - absolutely adore him.
Helped me a lot. I wish every addict could figure it out. Such stories we tell.
Couldn't agree more!
Thanks! I will be donating another $100 throughout 2023! This channel is super important to me and everyone who wants a better life! I wish I could do more for this channel and am grateful to have this safe space! Happy New Year everyone!
Thank you and Happy New Year, Anthony!
Great great video 💖
I finally understand who and what Al Anon was for 3.5 years ago.
I worked on me, made better boundaries, sought counseling, and even pastoral help.
My addicted/alcoholic husband doesn't seem to want to work towards health and recovery.
So since we have children, he is literally forcing me to leave and seek a healthy place for our children to live.
Soon, I will be persuing divorce to reach this goal.
I'm super sad.
But I will keep watching videos and working on myself, and hopefully be able to teach my children how to grow and watch out for these destructive behaviors.
I love Dr.Mate. I don’t think you are asking me to suppress my feelings, rather, if we are unable to leave, or choosing to be of support, you are telling us how to get through it. I think about “I’m telling you what works, not what’s fair” every time I feel conflicted. It reminds me that I have a choice. If I continue to support my love one, then I’m choosing not to play by “fair” rules. “Fair” is irrelevant, what is the goal? However, I did choose to leave my relationship because I was being abused. I still chose to show support at a distance and use your methods. I agreed with some of the things that you say that other counselors would never say. It just feels right. And your approach to the addict is a loving non judgement approach very much in line with Dr. Mate. You both have been instrumental in my recovery from my love ones addiction and affects of addiction in my childhood. I do however, take responsibility for my choices. Thank you for this wonderful video and all that you do for us.
I’m so grateful to you, Amber, for sharing your own insecurities and doubts in this video. I understand that we all need to decide for ourselves when we need to remove ourselves from the struggle for the sake of our own well-being, but this video in particular has helped me immensely. Your work is so valuable and your vulnerability in this video is such a gift to me. Thank you.
😁😁😁😁
Have seen Mother's of addicted adult sons run themselves into early graves or death after car crashes, retirement funds gone, and daily worry and misery. Meanwhile, the addict lives on, goes on.
So true!
You are awesome, Amber! I totally relate with this. After significant trauma over my life topped with divorce and abandonment, add no support, isolation...my immune system and cellular energy is tanked. Haven't been tested for cancer. Lost a lot of weight. ???
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU ARE DOING!!!❤️🤗
Thank you for this. I have been watching your videos a long time. I even had sessions with one of your counselors. I always felt guilty that I left my husband. I felt he might have stopped drinking if I had stayed and really followed your program. This video is just what I needed. I had to leave before he really physically hurt me. My husband’s counselor had told me my husband was emotionally abusing me and hinted that I should leave. Thank you so much for this. It is just what I needed to hear.
I'm really glad this was helpful, Camela!
100% true. I'm still recovering from it
Just want to say thank you again. This topic has always been a huge question mark for me when reading posts in the FB group talking about suppressing our feelings and self-sacrificing. I’ve wondered many times if it was really healthy and I worry that some of the members don’t know or care how much they’re hurting themselves.
So glad this was helpful!
After 15yrs with an addict. I need to get my uterus removed and have thryoid issues and just turned 40 😩 i need a blood transfusion because i lose too much monthly 😢
Amber THANK YOU Thank you!!!! This message means so much to me, I’ve dealt with recurring trauma since I was an infant, including dealing with my father’s addiction and recently my husband’s addiction after finding out I’m infertile. Fast forward to this past year I learned I have a rare autoimmune disease MCTD which all doctors have said I must reduce stress to keep my disease. My personality falls directly into what Dr. Mate talks about regarding striving to be perfect and to never be a burden on others…your methods work, they worked for our family BUT I’ve definitely paid for my life long trauma with my health.
Love this. Thank you. And love Gabor Mate.
trying to be there and help my ex find his way thru alcoholism nearly killed me. lord knows what long term effects that stress has had on me but two years of it nearly broke me. i had to get out to save one of us.
This is so true, my body is crystal clear, when I'm stressed, when something goes wrong with my addicted loved one, I immediately get skin rashes, stomach pain and depression even though I have been learning to separate my emotions from all this. I need to check my breasts 🥺🥺🥺
Thanks for all your help! Gabor is Canadian and he is awesome and so are you!
You rock!
I left my alcoholic husband 35 years ago after nearly 4 years of lies, tears and chaos. We had a two year old son at the time. I was able to make my decision to leave after attending Alanon for 12 months. No-one in Alanon encouraged me to to stay or leave they just gave me to knowledge, strength and support to make my own decision and at the time I thought it would be the hardest things ever to do in my life as I was in love the the ‘good’ part of my husband. I went on to marry a wonderful non alcoholic man. Thirty seven years later our son is an addict. Like his father he has ADHD self medicates but more with weed and prescription pills off the street than alcohol although when he does drink there is always some drama with police involved. Dealing with him and the chaos and heartache is 1000 times harder. It’s the homelessness when I kick him out that I have difficulty dealing with but when he does get a roof ove this head he causes drama and gets kicked out. I am going to binge watch these videos and consider going back to Alanon. Life is agony with an addict.
I appreciate you shining the light on this aspect of addiction. I am part of a family who has suffered with generational alcoholism.I am committed to ending the spiral of despair so it doesn’t carry forward into my granddaughters generation. Having said that, I have remained silent for decades to those who engage in addiction. At 47 years of age I got diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer. I have Lyme disease and also manage long term effects from West Nile. I have always prioritized well being. I eat clean and exercise daily. I now know, nobody self destructs alone. Indeed my health challenges are proof.
Thank you for being a great resource, your videos are making a difference in my world.
Thank you for your kind words and support, Jen!
I knew it! I need to exit this relationship. So many doctors basically said I need to get my stress under control. Then my acupuncturist said she can only take my body so far until I get my mind healed so I dove into therapy and ditched the docs. But I really do need to go in for a checkup. Thank you again for your content. Sooooo helpful! 😊
I'm glad this was helpful, Alison!
So glad to hear you address this. I heard Dr. Mate' lecture and I had light bulb moments too!!!! I, luckily, am a breast cancer survivor, and the criteria apply to me!! Again, I'm glad to hear you address this.
Often we give in to the addict because we are so tired of dicussions with them. We give small amounts of money or settle a debt of the addict because we cannot live in fear, that they may do something terrible. We prefer our addict to be alive than death. Sometimes we need to sleep or to rest, in oder to go on with our normal lives, our jobs, attend our duties, have some peace, so we allow them to manipulate us. I mean it is a kind of short term selfcare. Because to be afraid for your child all the time because they are on the streets is very consuming and destroying our own health ...
I hear exactly what you're saying and lived that way for a long time. When my adult son started using (fentanyl) he had a job, a new car, and an apartment. As his problem became evident, I was so freaked out that he would lose everything before he had a chance to get help, my husband and I would take care of his rent or make a car payment- anything to keep him from "losing it all" while he got help to get clean. Part of me did this so I could avoid the emotional train wreck I knew I'd face as well.
He would get himself off the pills for a coupla months at a time but then relapse and it would start all over again.
My husband finally said enough was enough and we had to let him deal with the consequences.
I fell apart and panicked at the thought of him losing everything and living on the streets. It completely overwhelmed me!
After nearly a year of my enabling him, I finally made the hardest transition of MY life, especially since he's my only child.
He's been on the streets for two and a half years now and just had his 32nd birthday on the 15th. It hurts SO bad to look back on the past few years, and this last birthday was especially hard because he actually entered detox a coupla months ago but after 10 days clean, he left and went back on the streets.
I know what you're going through, feeling held hostage, fearing the consequences your loved one will face, thereby YOU having to go through your OWN emotions because of it. It absolutely consumes you!
In order to have just ONE moment of peace for yourself, just one stress free day or a decent night's sleep, you give them that $20 they owe someone, so you don't worry about them getting their a!@# kicked in. Then you can't stand yourself for giving into them. It's a neverending rollercoaster ride that is NOT fun and you can't get off the damn ride!
The duality that we face everyday as moms dealing with our addicted child, is a hard life to live and I guess the only way I've been able to keep my own sanity is to live MY life one day at a time. We all hear that saying, but learning how to DO it is wicked hard in itself. You need to allow yourself to go through the emotions and if you give in, just to give yourself a break for that moment, don't dwell on it and above all forgive yourself!
When it's your child you love them unconditionally and you're up against something that isn't easily fixed.
I really hope you have someone that you can turn to and talk to when you have a bad day or a weak moment. Above all, forgive yourself when you make a mistake and get as much help as you can for yourself.
Our addicted children, even adult children, need us so much more than they know, so please take care of yourself. As long as your child is still alive, they still have a chance at living again, not simply existing. I pray God watches over your child and ALL those that are out on the streets 🙏❤️✨️
@@jenniferandrews8449 Thank you for your long answer/comment 💝... it is very helpful. I will read it several times.
I know almoat always that giving in in these situations is a wrong way and "very shortterm" selfcare, and Amber has explained it often, too. But sometimes there are other problems and strugles going on, and we make these mistakes 😰. Now, I am trying to take care of myself in other aspects, like not being available personally at all hours, meet more often with good friends, go back to hobbies y gave up because of the addict ... so that I will find better strengh to say NO to more thk gs, and develop proper SELFCARE.
Yesterday I said NO to 20 $.
I remembered: NO is a full sentence.
I was so proud of myslelf!
@Å. Đ.Ř. that's wicked awesome you said no AND that was the entire sentence! I love how you put that!!
I'm sorry I got a little long winded there. . .I could feel the frustration in your words and it really resonated with me!
It sounds awful, but unfortunately they know how to play on our emotions and they get good at wearing us down. It's really the drugs doing it, but in the moment, the lines can get blurred!!
I've had to reduce my contact with my son to texting UNLESS it's seriously important. He also knows if I'm gonna answer his call and he starts asking for money, I'm gonna hang up. If he continues to blow up my phone, I put the phone on silent and turn it over so I don't see how many times he calls or texts and after a short time, he realizes he's not gonna get whatever it is he wants.
I hate to admit this, but I'm much better at staying strong when I'm only texting him.
We know ourselves and our kids, and we havta find what works best for us and build on that.
I still give in at times, simply because I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with him, and then I get pissed at myself, but then it's a new day.
Like I said, it's so hard to live like this everyday, but as a mom, you do what you must, even when we want to give up sometimes.
I'll keep you and yours in my prayers and go easy on yourself. It's really all we can do and the rest is in God's hands! 😊
@@jenniferandrews8449 So well explained. I get long winded myself very often, too; so no problem. And when writing in English I can mess up my comments sometimes🤦♀️. But some situations need a lot of words to be explained ... Furthermore, writing for others make us see things clearer ourselfes. It is simliar to speak in our familygroup meetings, in my opinion.
Thank you Jennifer for your prayers, I will pray for you, your son, your family too ..🙏🙏🙏
See you in Amber's comment sections ...💞 ... have a nice evening, greatings from Europe.
THIS was the video I’ve been looking for while bingeing your videos 😅 I’ve been living with my addict sibling for 13 years. I have become chronically ill because of the stress. He finally went to rehab a year ago. 90 days. It hasn’t changed much. If anything, I find him far more difficult now that he has a whack of new diagnoses and abusable medications that function as his new excuses. I always wonder if moving out would be cruel because maybe he needs another year to “really stop abusing drugs”. But I think I got my answer in this video.
THANK YOU AMBER 🙏🙏🙏
My pleasure. So glad it was helpful!
This is why I have been in my own Al Anon recovery for over a decade. Al Anon is not there to fix the alcoholic, it is a program for the family. So, if you go into it thinking "This will give me the answers I need to get him to stop X, Y, Z," you will be disappointed. I don't know how anyone gets through co-dependency without a spiritual program of some kind. I feel that my Al Anon recovery is what allows me to handle the difficulties of CRAFT in a better way.
Thank you. I thought your messages leaned more toward helping the addicted person at the expense of the other person.
You're right, Sandy. Most of my messages are about what the addict needs. But I always want you to know that your needs matter too!
Amber, having had 2 breast biopsies since may, i'm super glad that i just found this video! My major support is G-d, so far my test results indicate no cancer. That's it in a nutshell. Thank G-d,!!!❤
Omg! Yes! This! This explains SO much. Thank you.
Glad this was helpful, Carrie!
Once again, thank you, thank you Amber. Very helpful advice.💖
Thanks for watching, Lydia!
This is so so important, I think it would be great included in your intro/“new here” playlists. Thank you for sharing. What video were you referencing about the psychological effects of caretaking? And how do you know when you’re being abused vs when your health problems are caused by codependency/caring too much?
Isn’t he freaking amazing! Gabor talks I listen! I wished I had known about him when I was doing my Social work and clinical
I'm right there with ya, Michelle!
Wow. This is very eye opening. Thank you
You are so welcome
I'm 64, daughter 34, texted me all this week, she relapsed again and calls me the worst names and wishes I was dead as she's in a hotel drinking 7 days straight. My body is having alot of stomach, anxiety and heartbreak
🙏🙏🙏
I developed graves disease about 2 years after I married my alcaholic..I couldn't figure out why l was so sick all the time,working full time and dealing with his Rollercoaster emotions and chronic fights..thank God I found you first then gabor mate' .my alcaholic is finally after seven years out on his own and Iam back to my authentic self with a better support system too.
Until my addicted partner broke up with me and I was telling a friend of mine I had no idea I was being emotionally abused.
It's hard to see the magnitude of it, until you're away from it!
If your addicted loved one lives with you or on your property, but has no job, no money, no option to live elsewhere, and won’t do the necessary steps for recovery, what does the family do? Put them on the street and make them homeless? Take them to a homeless shelter? What options are there, because I have no idea.
Hi Amber, this video set up seems much better than the one you are currently using. In the newer videos the microphone sticks out like a sore thumb and distracts. In this video I feel as if you are sitting across from me.
Yes, I agree. The microphone is distracting. It's right in front of my face. But it does help the sound quality. The tech part of making videos is a tough one for me.
I love Gabor Mate. I noticed my body was talking to me the last month my son was in my home with me. i developed a lump behind my right ear that was achy and my hips were sore when i would sit or get up from a chair. . my body was talking to me for sure. I am finding i am very emotional and have been crying a lot. not sobbing but crying like while im pulling weeds, or meditating outside under the sun. i can feel my tears running down my face and i just let it happen. i dont think ill ever not be sad but i also know there is hope and i try to keep my eyes on that. i have practiced plant medicine and my son knows about it too. i also practice breathing and showed my son once when i saw him having a stress, sight panic attack and he felt better immediately. my sons has many seeds that can sprout at any time, so i'm preparing myself by diving into new areas of learning about drug addiction. I want to be ready to meet him in the middle with a smile and a hug.
you and he are two of my favorites!
😁😁😁😁😁
endometriosis stage 4 I was able to walk it back....stress definitely I had to change alot of lifestyle changes stressful events avoiding stressors....
I needed this.
North Western idea of having a mind/brain separated by our body is the Great mistake bio-medicine has made us believed in. We are a mindful body. Aboriginal and Indigenous medicines are totally spot on about this topic. As an anxious person I feel my hearth going mad many times when I am distressed. We should listen more to physicians who think like a totality. If there is abuse even more: think about the body health means a stronger mind and the capacity to make the right decision about that relation. Thank you Amber. Dr. Mate is brilliant. You too.
I love him! 👌🏼
He’s a pretty smart fella !
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you for your honesty in this video, and for raising awareness about such an important issue. I appreciate you x
This makes me curious about David goggins
Wow, I was thinking the exact same thing as I listened to this!! I have nothing but admiration for the guy, but is it healthy what he is doing?
Hi
Hi Brenda 👋🏻👋🏻
Question my brother when he drinks , he’ll go into what I call psychosis , he’ll scream , growl , talk to himself . His screaming won’t let me sleep . Is that considered physical or emotional abuse . I am constantly tired .
Sounds like emotional abuse to me.
I have been trying the suggestion in these videos and can see a difference. However,the other night my husband blamed me for his drinking and told me he was tired of dealing with me. He also informed me that he played a recording that he had of me yelling to his psychiatrist at his appointment. In the morning I decided to tell him I felt betrayed( mistake), and leave the room. He said it was my fault he said those things that I did something and the playing of the tape was to get his dr opinion. I didn’t let it go like I should have. Emotions came out and now I feel like I have to start over. Months of work down the drain. I did apologize for getting emotional. Any suggestion on how to rebuild what I had going? Possible the Dr. said something to make me the bad guy?
What is the name of the Facebook group?
It's called Addiction Recovery Resources- Family Recovery. Here's the link: facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
Where to find the Facebook page for information and support mentioned in the video ?
Do you mean the FB Family Recovery Group? If so, here's the link: facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport
0:40
Well I am so glad to see this video Christmas weekend was the last weekend of him being able to punch my body. He says he is truly sorry and it was the drugs which is not fair that he always has a excuse for him to do what ever he wants it's my fault he does drugs and the drugs fault he abuses me. And I'm the one hurting the most I can't believe I have fallen in love with someone more than I love my self is sad that I am the one that feels bad about trying to stay clear of him. Now I'm the one that has abandoned him and he can blame me for hurting him. Then the other part of me who has heard him say I love you so much your the world to me and I want nobody but you after the he has done drugs and td me all this hurtful stuff that nobody should have to hear or read when they love someone. It's just hurts so bad if I choose to give him another chance I have a chance if getting hurt more if I don't get back then I'm to blame and if he does get clean then another woman gets this awesome man that I really love I'm so broken right now 💔
And if I could afford counseling or therapy I would do it and all the free stuff out there is back up and the list are mileage long.