Break Free From Nice Guy Syndrome
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- Опубликовано: 22 май 2024
- You don’t have to be the “Nice Guy” forever. If you suffer from Nice Guy syndrome, there are specific things you can do to break free.
Dr. Robert Glover and I have spoken many times about the evolution of Nice Guys over the years and what it means to be a nice guy in culture today. If you want to learn how to stop being a nice guy this video is for you.
00:00 - Intro
2:42 - Stop criticizing your partner
3:52 - Practice exposure therapy
7:23 - People pleasing
9:33 - Confrontation
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No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover - www.amazon.ca/dp/0762415339/r...
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Let me know in the comments what you would add to this
Connor, I have listened to a lot of content on RUclips and have to say that your videos are some of the best I have seen. I have learned so much from you and appreciate all you do! I grew up in a church setting that taught me that my needs are not important and always come secondary, women are to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal and to never stand up for myself and say no. These teachings were damaging and I am turning it around and starting to become stronger and get out of the nice guy routine. I have learned that finding purpose and raising my own self values and worth is attractive and an essential part of any relationship. Keep up the good work!
@@waylonsmith8798 outstanding brother, appreciate you tuning in, sharing your journey and for the feedback. Glad my work is hitting home for you. Let me know if there are certain topics you want me to cover.
As a former nice guy and simp, I loved this video. The only way to get real respect from a woman is to stand up to her and civilly speak your mind. If she truly likes/loves you and wants to be with you, a sense of fear will get instilled in her of you potentially being unhappy with her and possibly leaving her because of it, and that will in turn make her respect you and your feelings more. Men fear being single and having no access to sex. That is why most of us put women on a pedestal, because it's so damn hard to get a woman in this day and age to begin with. But you have to kill the inner simp. There is no other way.
How is this supposed to work when at the end of the day, women control the monopoly of sex?
@thexorode This is my way of thinking. When you don't make sex your purpose or priority, then it won't have any power over you. Sex just releasing chemicals you can get those chemicals in other ways and i don't mean through porn or masturbating. Find a purpose, something enjoyable. If you put sex as priority one then it has power over you and can control you. Sex shouldn't be your goal in life. It's something to be enjoyed between two people out of love and to reproduce.
@@peterschild1838 idk I want to have it one day, and I'm 29 lol
@@thexorode You will bro, I spent all of my 20s chasing women and thinking getting laid was the most important thing in the world it had so much power over me and I rarely got laid and when I did, I felt empty afterwards and those girls where not very good girls lol. It's cliche I know but just always be working on yourself and good things will come to you. Self-improvement is a long journey. Never having sex before can be a positive because when you do find a nice girl you don't have to share all the terrible things you did to get laid. Like some of us have too haha. I kind of envy you bro.
@@thexorode Sex God Method - Daniel Rose
It’s hard to notice when you’re being a “nice guy”. The part that makes me angry is that I have to take responsibility for not knowing any better. I was raised in abusive household by women so I feel like so much time has been wasted now that I’m learning this stuff.
Yeah, it's not our fault, but it is our responsibility. But that's a good thing. Holding yourself accountable puts the power to shape your life back in your hands. The hardest part for me has been trying to get in touch with what my actual needs are. I've spent so long ignoring them...
@Pacolad I totally get it. Be patient with yourself always. It gets better incrementally, but you have to pace yourself. Don’t let anyone force you to go at a pace that doesn’t work for you. This was one of my biggest challenges, but once I learned to have healthy boundaries with myself, I was able to implement them outward to others. Always reflect on and reward your wins. You learn more from/about yourself when you do this. You connect stronger.
@@bjmaynard01I totally agree. That was one of my biggest hurdles too, until I realized how important and necessary it was… Knowing what I want is half the battle. Articulating it is the other half, and that was really the tough part. Still is sometimes. I had to let go of feeling like I was hurting people’s feelings by telling them what I wanted and choosing not to go with their program. Or dealing with a disrespectful woman and telling her off in a smooth and clever way lol. Isn’t that crazy, that as grown men, we’ve had to learn that?
Don't Fear Rejection Embrace it because it means you're are willing to do the Unknown!
GAYYYY
lol@@BEATmyguest31
I've struggled with this for all my life. Became everyone's punching bag ruined my confidence. Went from passive aggressive victim to overly nice and timid. Felt very confused. Now I communicate honestly. I know I have a lot of work to do. But It will be worth it. Letting everyone walk all over me in hope of making friends. Now I have a few friends now and I don't expect people to be nice to me after I've been nice to them. I know my worth and value now.
I’m enjoying your talks. I’ve been both bad boy and nice guy. I lost my edge as a man of stature after combat. Completely devastated and severely depressed. Adjusting to civilian life still seems foreign to me. Finding a sense of self-worth and being able to engage during disagreements became extremely aggravated and disruptive for me. I changed by becoming accommodating to people. IT DOESNT WORK. Try not to go back to the literal beast I was has kept me imprisoned. Finding my way back still feels like a place I’m not sure I can reach. Thank you much for the encouraging words.
I served in an Infantry Unit in the Army and am in my Masters for psychology. My recommendation is to seek out that conflict. Not physically but verbal by standing up for yourself. We served our country and that in fact does make us better and deserve respect
deep. I wish you the very best.
You just described my exact predicament, have never been the same.
The exposure therapy section is very helpful. "Sharpen yourself against the relationship by engaging consciously and asking for what you need."
As a guy who still struggles with this, I think the art of disagreement and the willingness to express your needs cannot go understated. it can be confusing at times when the terror of rejection is almost embedded in your knee jerk responds to pushback regardless of the reason. Partly because pushing back feels so black and white. Filtering, being mindful, and calm in these moments can be extremely difficult so thank you Connor. Every video you have put out feels like each puzzle piece I needed to start getting my shit together.
I'm more than thankful for your channel.. after 25 years about being completely clueless as to what a real man is, and how I really want to be like... this is a BLESSING! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Watching your videos, taking notes, really thinking about how I did things wrong in my past relationship. So much to learn, it's crazy.
One of the things i have been doing since i picked up “no more mr. Nice guy” is Dr glover says to ask for things that are difficult to ask for, its quite uncomfortable, but also quite worth it.
Do you have an example?
I have definitely suffered from the nice guy syndrome. Being non-confrontational and avoiding conflict has been my worst habits. So not getting my needs met has become a real issue for me now, but I am working at it.
Its crazy because ive always ALWAYS held to the idea that being the Nice Guy while i know some women dont resoect it as much, is my personality and im not changing who i am. I realize that ive only been nice on the outside at time which is not to say ive been fake at times when choosing peace instead of conflict ive still got conflict but its internal, with hurt bitter feelings and that is NOT nice either, not nice to me, not nice to others
I just followed your advice, and im sleeping on the sofa now. Thanks bruh😊
Dont sleep on a coach, ur man and u sleep un ur bed. If she is pissed let her go to the sofa...
Dr. Robert Glover's book is a great starting point for any nice guy who wants to start taking back his masculinity. So is "The Way of a Superior Man". Drop the nice, and take back control of your life men.
The way of the superior man is incredible! For this topic
Getting calm with confrontation, know what the contention is and do not try to hide from it. I think I'm finally learning how to express it without going into a manic bipolar moment that really bothers people but my firmness of voice is also off-putting for them. If they deserve it I have some fun with it, now. I'm not in a relationship, anymore, and very little interaction outside business, which I'm inclined to be wary of, or hostile toward, anyway. I liked the calm, even, but firm voice that I had this morning at such a meeting. I felt like I was expressing myself like an honest adult.
I see an overgeneralization of the “nice guy “ and “jerk” stereotypes. Men are complex beings like women, and there are blurred lines between the two generalizations. There is also the external environment that causes needy/people pleasing behaviors susceptible to both stereotypes.
very informative video especially for someone who is a big time people pleaser, after being bullied most of my life and with that kinda wanna do everything what others want and please them. keep up the excellent work
This is fantastic. Thank you
Top quality advice, thanks for this!
This video has put a shining light on my head. Thank you.
Exposure therapy is so good for anxiety, I thought exposing myself would cause me more anxiety but as soon as I do, I see the thing what I'm exposing myself to for what it is and the anxiety goes away.
Fantastic content! Subscribed!
I personally think the goal is to express your needs while respecting your partner's needs at the same time. If you don't say what you want and need, your partner is in a relationship with a (insert word or phrase here).
Thank you very much. I am a recovering nice guy from Denmark. Your work helps a lot to - in my own pace - break free from those patterns😊
What stands out the most to me is as my marriage is going south I realize I’m the guy from this video. Damn. Great video.
I really like your content dude. Kudos!
This is ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE how consice and brutally accurate the nice guy psychology and remedy is! Positioning confrontation as the price of admission almost makes a man look forward to it. I'm blown away.
Hey Connor, I was recently introduced to and read Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy. Then I listened to your podcast on Surfmastery, followed up and found your clip. I have def' been the nice guy and now I'm going through a separation however I'm still living with my ex which makes things more difficult and we have a 9 year old daughter. I'm switching my behaviour, speaking my mind and being more assertive and OMG the push back is nuts. It's hard man but I really think I've hit the jackpot in finding out about the Mr Nice Guy Sydnrome. Thanks for the vids!
Thanks man,much appreciated ,hopefully I can change after 44 years of being the pushover nice guy that I’ve been.
That was me for 38 years.
The part where you said more criticism and judgement doesn’t work is very true in reverse! Whenever my ex did all that it made me not want to do anything😂
This content is exactly what men need.
This video felt like such an eye opener for me. I've always felt that I'm so co-operative and other things like that, I never understood what am I doing that's wrong that is pushing people away in some way or form. I think I needed to hear this.
The confrontation part is so important, and I've always been really bad at it. To be able to tell other people about my needs and preferences, I need to come to terms with them. I need to accept that I actually do have them and that its okay to have them.
I think as men we have always been taught (directly or indirectly) to be the provider or to be a pillar of strength and support, and somehow we end up learning that we are not supposed to have needs to be able to fit into that definition of a man.
So I think when we learn to be more confrontational, be accepting of our needs and be able to convey them to the people that are close to use or to people that we wanna get close with, not only do we make them see us more as a person, but I think we show more of our personality too. The personality that they can like or dislike us for (again goes back to the point of having the courage to be able to accept that they might not like us if we show them ourselves). And when we have the courage to do that, we open ourselves to the possibility of someone actually seeing and loving us for who we are.
Many thanks for making this video. I hope I am able to remember what I've learned from this and be able to apply it in real life.
I’m too much of a nice guy with blokes not girls as girls give far more respect to me in general! It’s more the guys that try to test me or have a dig at me! Maybe they find me a threat or are jealous or insecure about something I don’t know you tell me?
I struggle with adhd/bipolar, and I was raised by my single mom and grandma. Nobody really spent time with me or cared all that much. Not the greatest starting point, but also not the worst.
I tend to do this nice guy shit and it always pisses me off. I cant seem to find a balance between macho man who dont give a f, and being too kind and considerate. People treat me like im a doormat, and also respect me a lot when my boundaries come up when I'm in that mood. My brain is always a paranoid jumbled mess when it comes to relationships bruh, im tired of it. I'm working out a lot now, been great so far. I lowkey love my chaotic energy, but sometimes it drives me crazy
It's always been hard for me to explain what I want. Or how I'd like things to be.
Legitimate critique is not childish.
What is childish is not being able to withstand reasonable criticism and judgement as one and from adults.
Been working on the decisive part, especially when it comes to making everyday choices. Being confrontational and talking with someone on an equal level another.
Having an overbearing mother and semi controlling father growing up didn't help any.
I am a chronic nice guy while I like this quality it can use some tweeks.
For the nice guys' syndrome its (1) society's fault (2) families' fault.
I was the thousandth like
I'm a nice guy, works for me.
Well...been a nice guy is not bad at all, but if we use the "nice guy mask" to get what we want so we have a problem...im a nice guy but i dont ask anything back or in return...i dont expect people pay me the same way i do to them...
Maybe women like nice guys/good and kind guys with good heart,
But people dont realize that when he asks a woman for a date she may be already in a relationship with a nice/kind guy with a good heart, and with values.
So then it looks like he is rejected. But he isn't rejected. She already has someone...If we realize that 50 percent of women can be already in a relationship.
If your partner never wants to have sex with you anymore, should you leave the relationship?
You have summarized NMMNG better than Dr Glover. 🤣
How about a video on stopping nice guy behavior towards women? Because I was a nice guy, and never learned to talk to women, now I am dead inside. Most nice guys don’t get girls so this video is good but what about the nice guys that are just invisible to women? What can we do t stop showing up as a nice guy? All I did was cut out all female friends and stop hanging around loser friends who won’t help you.
I think one issue we have as nice guys is that we forget this is a survival mechanism we have established. The problem is in the time we spent becoming a nice guy to feel loved, we have forgotten who we are and what we actually want. That is why it tends to break out so suddenly when things are potentially too late. Radical honesty is needed with yourself about what your needs are. Put those first and you can communicate them. It takes times, but once you get comfortable with knowing and feeling your needs, you can be graceful and assertive about communicating them.
Learn to be Nice to people but not a Nice guy
But the real question is this: Why wouldn't you want to be a nice person?
A problem is for me, I've tried this many times. I've "changed" hundred times. I've let her know it's going to be different, and it is ... for a while. Then I go back to my ways. THen it get's bad again. Then I watch these videos. WHay should she, or I, belive anything will ever change? Why would "this time" be different?
This doesn’t work on autistic women
Same is otherwise, if the woman complains about you you lose respect for her
I don’t think any woman is ever going to meet your needs. If she knows what you need, she will just use that to make you the bad guy and hurt you.
The first part to not being a "nice guy" is to believe in Jesus and get your self worth from God. Then your idolization will be focused on the correct source. The goal isnt to be a bad guy. Its to be a nice guy with self worth.
But she was going to make his favorite and now he must choose what he wants or what she wants to serve him. Feeling heavy? She'll start doing some baking.
:)) the fact that men think that buying flowers (showing the other person you care about them), cleaning the house you live in, cook meals sometimes (you do eat right?) and take care of the kids YOU made is "making her life easier"is where the cognitive dissonance is strong. That's the bare minimum darlings. She isn't your maid/cook/human incubator :) it's supposed to be a partnership. So if you think that your a "nice guy"and complain about doing the bare minimum in a relationship and expect everything you want to magically appear because of that, your in for a surprise.
Yeah sidenote, be mindful about how much you push having sex, there's literally laws against it..
Of course you don't force anybody to do anything. But they cannot force you to stay in the relationship too. Let them know that there are other women who can satisfy your needs, and a sexless relationship doesn't suit you.
@Straga_Severa well men have a harder time getting women so of course we're desperate
how do i email you?