I found this video very informative. I am beyond a hat trick of dysfunction. If you combined all of these childhood traumas into one person, it would be me. I was sexually abused for 2 years by a babysitter at the age of 4-6. My father was totally unavailable if not, he was antagonistic to me in pretty much everything. My mother projected all of her problems on me. Primarily because my father evidently promised to buy her an island… (WTF) she is still pissed about that. Lower middle class baby. There is a lot to unpack for me. Two therapists. One looked at me as some sort of specimen, and the other (assigned by my church) was more disgusted with me than anything. So I have tried to help myself. HOWEVER, I have an incredible wife. How this video helped: I am aware of my dysfunction and I am more aware of my actions. Thank you for that!
This is framed so well. Thanks for mentioning that it is amoral and for not calling the "taker" a "narcissist" ... romantic relationships are a consensual dance! Learn your part in it and fix that or play victim and continue to repeat the cycle
To all my dear friends out there, if you are still afraid of disappointing other people, trust me just do it, as scary as it is, as uncomfortable at this. It happened to me almost a year ago. The first time i finally stood up for myself for not pleasing someone i actually don't like, worst part is she's a female. I was always scared like 'what if she doesn't like me?' etc. One time she kinda disrespect me a bit and i stood up for myself. It felt so wrong at first bcs that was probably my first time i consciously made someone disappointed. Skip forward to this day, My life has been better the more i stood up for myself and (somehow) disappoint other people. It takes time and process.
From a woman's perspective, I found this video very enlightening. Been married for 29 years and have heard things today in this video of how my husband and I have been in both of those roles. Thanks for your insight and how you breakdown/explain each of the characteristics of the behaviors and how to move out of them. I've become a fan even though your target audience is men.
This topic is so common and multifaceted that I genuinely believe it should be re-addressed in depth for the benefit of the men of this community. The “good guy” syndrome is so present in the younger generation that it deserves not only to be identified - the roots of - but also men need help to find their way out of it.
Found your channel while going through a tough break up and it’s helped me evaluate a lot about myself and how I can be better for the next woman I get with, but first I need to be better for myself. Definitely has helped me get over things a lot quicker by first accepting my reality and now trying to improve upon it.
This episode was a MASSIVE revelation for me. I have listed to Connor for the past year. I saw this title when it first posted and thought, "this is not relevant to me, if I listen to it, I'll get around to it later". Well, today was later as I had some running around to do. This explains the source of so much of my personality and core beliefs. Thank you Connor for providing the information in the way that you always do and in a way that helped me to see how it related to my life. Now that I know (and basically understand) the concept, I can develop a roadmap for healing.
I usually don't comment. But this is absolutly amazing content, since discovering your channel i've been learning a lot about myself and can recognize a lot of things that you talk about. Amazing stuff and please keep doing what your doing, a lot of men need to this about themselves and you can explain it in a great way
GREAT episode on the topic! At 28, through the knowledge and wisdom I’ve found through the top voices in the Manosphere I’m leaving a 3 year relationship (respectfully) with a woman I was attached to, who fit the exact opposite of everything I need in a relationship, and I see countless men giving up their sovereignty and freedom for a woman who doesn’t give them much in return. For all the men in the space, I wish you love, adventure, and if you just started the journey keep going 🤝🏼 you will find the man you always wanted to be, on the other side of it ✌🏼
Everything that you discussed in this episode has really hit the nail on the wood. I knew something was up with my new relationship. I no longer feel so insecure but I have been trying to be a perfectionist to her or doing things for her needs before mine. At times it feels like we are both wanting each others attention and I just need to be a bit more selfish with my time in order to get things going. She’s a good catch and this video will likely help me with this relationship
Good job. This is a very complex subject. I wouldn't underestimate the problems of a emotionally neglectful mother IE narcissistic, will have on a child. The root of codependency is two people with a lot of shame trying to get the other to heal their shame.
Dude, you are a gem. This education you are giving hit home. I see myself in your story and as a man divorced after 20 years with 3 kids this hurts because I'm seeing tje issues mu own children might suffer in their furture. Thanks for shedding light on this subject I learned now am gonna practice it onto my relations to my loved ones
This was just a rewarding but a difficult listen….its helped me understand why I showed up in my last relationship and understand my behaviour properly. It’s a bit sad, maybe I could have changed the outcome.
My codependency (eventhough I was aware) made me end up with a codependent girl while being terminally sick from cancer. I can not expres how much pain I go through on a daily basis. I never ever want any human on earth to feel this
Such powerful information 👏🏽Thank you for sharing this, it’s unfortunate that I’m finding it so late after things have already ended so tragically between my ex partner and I. Definitely going to take these points forward with me individually most importantly nevermind for anyone else.
There is no such thing as a marriage/relationship without co-dependancy. In a relationship and especially a marriage, all parties depend on one another for something. If you aren’t co-dependent there is no relationship.
Is the issue with codependency the fact only one parties needs get met and the other is the beneficiary. Instead of 2parties mutually benefiting from each other.
Does witnessing my mother cheat on my dad and their marriage explode constitute as trauma? I have very serious trust issues and listening to this video it really make me think that I'm codependent to my wife
Honestly anything that leaves a negative impression on your mind can be considered trauma, especially if its tied to maladaptive adult behavior later in life
Way to go in having this awareness it can help all of you. I too was thinking of how my mom is worried about my brothers co dependent tendencies without realizing she created quite a bit of them. And still tried to do that just last week. He is 37.
No bro the person who tends to give all the time chances are the person likes to control and manipulate the codependency to the point that becomes a toxic relationship because one can’t get out of the relationship because the other person has the upper hand in the relation specifically in the finances over the emotional aspect of the relationship.
What to do when you are no longer in the codependent relationship but then that person comes to town and doesn't tell you they are back in town and you feel resentful about it?
Codependent is not a helpful lens to learn about healthy dependency (rooted in addiction but relationships are "naturally addictive" in our physiology). As he says, roles are amoral. The healthy view is that compromise is needed in all relationships and so are tough conversations (which btw your approach to conflict can tell you a lot about yourself). The more you can lean into a relationship, the stronger it will become. But yes this does mean having boundaries that are also flexible at times. A lot of what he says is helpful, but a better view of relationships is that "there is nothing harder on the planet than another person" and we are social mammals who need relationship to survive and thrive. Like most things in life...the closer you look, the more you see the paradox. Attachment security is a goal not a destination. You never arrive there fully, you just get on the train going in the right direction and get back on when you inevitably fall off. Codependent is an old word for something that science understands a lot better now than it used to.
Hey man, You can be codependent without a relationship or even without people, some people have it with alcohol. If you make an episode make sure that you understand the topic, now you spend more confusion.
I am currently in this predicament my bf is dismissive avoidant and he pulled away after I expressed my needs and I feel as if it’s my fault and my entire responsibility to try to fix both sides I’m researching his attachment style and I’m researching mine and it feels so overwhelming I’m going to talk to him tonight and see if this can even change but only if he wants to do it himself because I can’t be responsible on trying to heal him when I’m not even healed myself
For anybody finding comfort in this video, think of the person you hate the most in your life, and then imagine them watching this video and self inserting as the 'people pleaser' in your relationship. Incredibly toxic right?
It seems the advice in this video is geared towards someone who prioritizes their partners needs and identifies at the giver. What if you identify as the taker?
Guys, DONT "sit down with your partner". Thats not...going to go well. If you want to lose that codependency leaning into the person who has benefitted from it aint going to be nice. You want to really, truly take care of yourself and your needs? Walk. Walk. And DONT DO IT AGAIN. Walk and dont do it again
The act of avoiding a reaction we don’t like is the same action that can be causing it. It’s serves both you and your partner to be honest no matter how hard the truth is to hear. Your wife would respect you more if you’re honest rather than trying to beat around the bush or avoid certain conflicts all together. So yes do sit down with your partner, if they don’t wanna help you in losing codependency or really just help you better yourself in general. Than it’s best to leave that relationship to rest and move on
40:05 Action 1 - do not vilenase codep.relationship. no shaming as it reinforce codep. Action 2 - know it is adaptive surviv strategy to protect, safe; Action 3 - ask how it make me feel safe, connected, valued, getting attention Action 4 - act of healthy selfishness - prioritise own needs; writte list of activities that fuel your feel good feelings; i am responsible for me Action 5 - expose to dissapointment .... Perfectionist expects constant receiving and via verce...Here punishment shows. Scorebord - counting bad and goods - it is unfair...always, newer...
I found this video very informative. I am beyond a hat trick of dysfunction. If you combined all of these childhood traumas into one person, it would be me. I was sexually abused for 2 years by a babysitter at the age of 4-6. My father was totally unavailable if not, he was antagonistic to me in pretty much everything. My mother projected all of her problems on me. Primarily because my father evidently promised to buy her an island… (WTF) she is still pissed about that. Lower middle class baby. There is a lot to unpack for me. Two therapists. One looked at me as some sort of specimen, and the other (assigned by my church) was more disgusted with me than anything. So I have tried to help myself. HOWEVER, I have an incredible wife.
How this video helped: I am aware of my dysfunction and I am more aware of my actions. Thank you for that!
This is framed so well. Thanks for mentioning that it is amoral and for not calling the "taker" a "narcissist" ... romantic relationships are a consensual dance! Learn your part in it and fix that or play victim and continue to repeat the cycle
Thank you. I've already listened to this episode twice and I'm thinking about listening to it a third time.
Thanks for listening, glad it hit home for you
To all my dear friends out there, if you are still afraid of disappointing other people, trust me just do it, as scary as it is, as uncomfortable at this. It happened to me almost a year ago. The first time i finally stood up for myself for not pleasing someone i actually don't like, worst part is she's a female. I was always scared like 'what if she doesn't like me?' etc. One time she kinda disrespect me a bit and i stood up for myself. It felt so wrong at first bcs that was probably my first time i consciously made someone disappointed. Skip forward to this day, My life has been better the more i stood up for myself and (somehow) disappoint other people. It takes time and process.
From a woman's perspective, I found this video very enlightening. Been married for 29 years and have heard things today in this video of how my husband and I have been in both of those roles. Thanks for your insight and how you breakdown/explain each of the characteristics of the behaviors and how to move out of them. I've become a fan even though your target audience is men.
This topic is so common and multifaceted that I genuinely believe it should be re-addressed in depth for the benefit of the men of this community. The “good guy” syndrome is so present in the younger generation that it deserves not only to be identified - the roots of - but also men need help to find their way out of it.
Yep, Johnny niceguy was me from 12-21, had to consciously learn healthy emotions to correct it.
Found your channel while going through a tough break up and it’s helped me evaluate a lot about myself and how I can be better for the next woman I get with, but first I need to be better for myself. Definitely has helped me get over things a lot quicker by first accepting my reality and now trying to improve upon it.
This episode was a MASSIVE revelation for me. I have listed to Connor for the past year. I saw this title when it first posted and thought, "this is not relevant to me, if I listen to it, I'll get around to it later". Well, today was later as I had some running around to do. This explains the source of so much of my personality and core beliefs. Thank you Connor for providing the information in the way that you always do and in a way that helped me to see how it related to my life. Now that I know (and basically understand) the concept, I can develop a roadmap for healing.
So brilliantly unpacked. I have been aware of my CoDependency since I was 50. Thank you!
I usually don't comment. But this is absolutly amazing content, since discovering your channel i've been learning a lot about myself and can recognize a lot of things that you talk about. Amazing stuff and please keep doing what your doing, a lot of men need to this about themselves and you can explain it in a great way
GREAT episode on the topic! At 28, through the knowledge and wisdom I’ve found through the top voices in the Manosphere I’m leaving a 3 year relationship (respectfully) with a woman I was attached to, who fit the exact opposite of everything I need in a relationship, and I see countless men giving up their sovereignty and freedom for a woman who doesn’t give them much in return.
For all the men in the space, I wish you love, adventure, and if you just started the journey keep going 🤝🏼 you will find the man you always wanted to be, on the other side of it ✌🏼
Id love to see an episode on resentment and the various reasons it arises.
I agree ☑️
Everything that you discussed in this episode has really hit the nail on the wood. I knew something was up with my new relationship. I no longer feel so insecure but I have been trying to be a perfectionist to her or doing things for her needs before mine. At times it feels like we are both wanting each others attention and I just need to be a bit more selfish with my time in order to get things going. She’s a good catch and this video will likely help me with this relationship
Good job. This is a very complex subject. I wouldn't underestimate the problems of a emotionally neglectful mother IE narcissistic, will have on a child.
The root of codependency is two people with a lot of shame trying to get the other to heal their shame.
Your last sentence boils it down so well
Dude, you are a gem. This education you are giving hit home. I see myself in your story and as a man divorced after 20 years with 3 kids this hurts because I'm seeing tje issues mu own children might suffer in their furture. Thanks for shedding light on this subject I learned now am gonna practice it onto my relations to my loved ones
One of your best videos yet! Thank you so much!
Would love a Man's Guide on standing up to emasculating behaviors in a healthy and respectful way.
@@SirBLM Thanks for tuning in and appreciate the possible topic!
So good!
Thank you for your work!
You inspire me to be a better man every day.
Very solid video. Thank you so much
Very helpful episode! Thank you!
Needed this!!
Not just men , women go through the same thing too
Powerful video
Super comprehensive and ready to be put in practice. Thank you
The tally method of finding perfectionism is very helpful. Thank you
This was just a rewarding but a difficult listen….its helped me understand why I showed up in my last relationship and understand my behaviour properly. It’s a bit sad, maybe I could have changed the outcome.
Fantastic video literally describes my life experience step by step, thanks
Appreciate you tuning in and thanks for subscribing to the channel. Any other topics you want me to do a deep dive on?
My codependency (eventhough I was aware) made me end up with a codependent girl while being terminally sick from cancer. I can not expres how much pain I go through on a daily basis. I never ever want any human on earth to feel this
Such powerful information 👏🏽Thank you for sharing this, it’s unfortunate that I’m finding it so late after things have already ended so tragically between my ex partner and I. Definitely going to take these points forward with me individually most importantly nevermind for anyone else.
This was a great episode.
This is life changing content, thank you for this!
You're so welcome!
Everything you said made so much sense now
Such a good video. I’m looking forward to this series.
There is no such thing as a marriage/relationship without co-dependancy. In a relationship and especially a marriage, all parties depend on one another for something. If you aren’t co-dependent there is no relationship.
Don’t you interdependency? That’s the healthy variant…co-dependency is the unhealthy one..
Ok that’s what I was going to ask.
Is the issue with codependency the fact only one parties needs get met and the other is the beneficiary. Instead of 2parties mutually benefiting from each other.
Something on how to date, be single, choose a partner, and the process of not losing that sense of self maturated during the time alone
Does witnessing my mother cheat on my dad and their marriage explode constitute as trauma? I have very serious trust issues and listening to this video it really make me think that I'm codependent to my wife
Yes, very much so.
Honestly anything that leaves a negative impression on your mind can be considered trauma, especially if its tied to maladaptive adult behavior later in life
I am listening this because my Son is in a codependent relationship, however I myself (Mom) identify myself in this 🥺🙏💖
Way to go in having this awareness it can help all of you. I too was thinking of how my mom is worried about my brothers co dependent tendencies without realizing she created quite a bit of them. And still tried to do that just last week. He is 37.
@@FlaviaMagic Thank you💜🙏 My Son asked me to stop giving advice & just me supportive🥺💜🙏❤️🩹
@@Brianna13Rosesound good. You’re lucky to have each other.
This one is the ONE I’ve been searching for a loooing time!!! How can I get coaching on this issue/topic? Cuz Im not sure where I stand….
Love you Videos fr! They help me alot
No bro the person who tends to give all the time chances are the person likes to control and manipulate the codependency to the point that becomes a toxic relationship because one can’t get out of the relationship because the other person has the upper hand in the relation specifically in the finances over the emotional aspect of the relationship.
Excellent! I could so identify. Thank you
Very practical steps for healthy futures. Ty
What to do when you are no longer in the codependent relationship but then that person comes to town and doesn't tell you they are back in town and you feel resentful about it?
Codependent is not a helpful lens to learn about healthy dependency (rooted in addiction but relationships are "naturally addictive" in our physiology). As he says, roles are amoral. The healthy view is that compromise is needed in all relationships and so are tough conversations (which btw your approach to conflict can tell you a lot about yourself). The more you can lean into a relationship, the stronger it will become. But yes this does mean having boundaries that are also flexible at times. A lot of what he says is helpful, but a better view of relationships is that "there is nothing harder on the planet than another person" and we are social mammals who need relationship to survive and thrive. Like most things in life...the closer you look, the more you see the paradox. Attachment security is a goal not a destination. You never arrive there fully, you just get on the train going in the right direction and get back on when you inevitably fall off. Codependent is an old word for something that science understands a lot better now than it used to.
Speak for yourself. I happen to find it very useful.
Thank you for this.
Thank you!
This was brilliant.
Hey man,
You can be codependent without a relationship or even without people, some people have it with alcohol.
If you make an episode make sure that you understand the topic, now you spend more confusion.
Sums a lot of things up
Appreciate you tuning in
This was awesome.
I am currently in this predicament my bf is dismissive avoidant and he pulled away after I expressed my needs and I feel as if it’s my fault and my entire responsibility to try to fix both sides I’m researching his attachment style and I’m researching mine and it feels so overwhelming I’m going to talk to him tonight and see if this can even change but only if he wants to do it himself because I can’t be responsible on trying to heal him when I’m not even healed myself
Striving for perfection leads to the demise of one's soul..
For anybody finding comfort in this video, think of the person you hate the most in your life, and then imagine them watching this video and self inserting as the 'people pleaser' in your relationship. Incredibly toxic right?
I would recommend everyone read this book. Facing codependence by Pia Mellody
Love your videos...Very informative for both genders..
How does codependency present with business & capital partners?
45:00 healing
Subscribed
What to do when you are the taker?
How to stop being the taker?
It seems the advice in this video is geared towards someone who prioritizes their partners needs and identifies at the giver. What if you identify as the taker?
Great content but so many statements are repeated and feel patronising. I prefer to replay if I need to hear something again.
Guys, DONT "sit down with your partner". Thats not...going to go well. If you want to lose that codependency leaning into the person who has benefitted from it aint going to be nice. You want to really, truly take care of yourself and your needs? Walk. Walk. And DONT DO IT AGAIN.
Walk and dont do it again
The act of avoiding a reaction we don’t like is the same action that can be causing it. It’s serves both you and your partner to be honest no matter how hard the truth is to hear. Your wife would respect you more if you’re honest rather than trying to beat around the bush or avoid certain conflicts all together. So yes do sit down with your partner, if they don’t wanna help you in losing codependency or really just help you better yourself in general. Than it’s best to leave that relationship to rest and move on
@@EazyE_ that's adorable.
What did they say that isn’t true?
@danielclipper931 ask me in 25 years.
@@mrsherwood2599 fair enough
whats this dudes qualifications????
Wow, very eye opening💯🥲👌
40:05
Action 1 - do not vilenase codep.relationship. no shaming as it reinforce codep.
Action 2 - know it is adaptive surviv strategy to protect, safe; Action 3 - ask how it make me feel safe, connected, valued, getting attention
Action 4 - act of healthy selfishness - prioritise own needs; writte list of activities that fuel your feel good feelings; i am responsible for me
Action 5 - expose to dissapointment
....
Perfectionist expects constant receiving and via verce...Here punishment shows.
Scorebord - counting bad and goods - it is unfair...always, newer...