This Is How It FEELS When Your Brain is DYSREGULATED from CPTSD
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- Опубликовано: 1 окт 2024
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Everyone's brain and emotions get dysregulated sometimes, and almost everyone is able to eventually re-regulate. But if you grew up with abuse, neglect or other trauma during childhood, you may get more dysregulated more often, and have a harder time bouncing back, leaving you with a lack of focus and coordination, overblown (or deadened) emotions, and difficulty connecting and communicating appropriately with others. In this video I talk about what dysregulation feels like -- if you know it's happening, you can learn to re-regulate quickly and improve learning, relationships and well-being.
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Soooo...... you're saying abusive parents cause brain damage. This explains a lot....Be nice to your kids, people.
Yup and so do abusive partners and even friends.
@@evonne315 Absolutely! And toxic work situations.
My parents weren't mean to me, just preoccupied with their own problems. They never intended harm.
Yes!!! Or do not have kids!
@@kilodeltawhisky1504 you could still have been affected. Your feelings are valid. 💜✌🏾🤗
Well, apparently I have spent a great deal of my life in a state of dysregulation - and, even after decades of therapy, am HEARING ABOUT THIS NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME in 66 years. It certainly explains a lot - and finally gives me some hope. You have taught me why I cannot imagine my future - which I've often believed meant that I was dying. I haven't died. But I haven't lived either. I have survived. I have spent my life in survival mode.
I can so relate to your post.
Me too.
I feel the same. I feel robbed of joy and a regular life after trying so hard for decades to feel better. Yes I'm better but still disregulated and stuck in freeze mode much of the time. But I fully believe I'm a late bloomer and the best is yet to come. 68 in a few weeks.
So I'm not alone.
That is exactly me too. I have spent most of my life in survival mode and it sucks. I'm now 60 years old so when does it get to be my turn to really live?
You know people are being healed by just hearing you speak up & giving names to all of these things.
The best thing I ever heard in therapy was "You are not crazy. You were abused."
YES
Yes!!
Hallelujah
The complexity of this I never thought anyone could break down
blurry eyesight - dissociation - just wanting to go to sleep while adrenaline is going wild in my blodstream... ok, let's get on regulating ...
This is exactly my issue
Me too but I'm slowly calming down my adrenals with meditation. I've stopped being out of my body now... But have to watch my stress levels and being around alot of people can cause me stress....
Nightmares and night terrors constantly wake me up after a long day of being dysregulated. Its exhausting
Same, always end up screaming got help in my sleep. Feels like I can't breath while passing out or something @@cbwavy
Night terrors
OH MY GOD!!! I have never heard anyone describe this! This is me!!! "Trying to guess how normal people would respond."
Wow, I thought only I did this. I also struggle trying to understand why someone said or did something, and if it was a normal behavior or having hidden underlying malicious intent. I am glad I found this channel.
It's SO me too! My mouth dropped when she said that and didnt come back up for a while!!!
I just remembered that when I was in my late teens/early 20's, I'd think and often ask people how I should feel or if the way I was feeling was normal. Mostly, "how should I feel about this." I also asked my first therapist (I was about 25) what I should feel/do when the other person agreed with me after an argument or intense discussion. She didn't understand my question! And she was a very experienced therapist.
@@jhutch1050 I used to obsess over what people said or did and look for hidden meanings or hidden agendas. As I got older, I realized this usually happened when what they said/did actually was contradicted by something. I realized I could tell when someone was lying to me or being disingenuous. Not knowing this when I was younger is what caused the confusion and over thinking. It became much easier to deal with people and I didn't feel like I was on shaky ground once I realized I had this ability. I then realized I am able to read people almost immediately or with just a little interaction. I pick up on their energy and have physical reactions. This sometimes happens just by looking at a picture. Thinking back, I did this as young as 3 years old!!
This absolutely applies to me also and makes great sense. What's triggering about your comment is when people compare us to normal people. We are people too - others who haven't experienced cptsd just have a different advantage over us because they haven't gone through the obstacles we have. So it's not us vs the normal people. We all bleed the same color and we all have souls.
When I dysregulate it feels like I'm strapped to a movie theater chair in the back of my head watching my life pass by like it's a movie.
Such an apt description!
-Cara@Team Fairy
Same!
Yes me too. Watching yourself in this traumatic role and not being able to act on it. Sad.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy there's a team fairy? How to join team fairy? 🧚♂️🤔
@@LoneSolo23 Lol... Team Fairy is the group of people who work with me. For you, there is a Membership program. You can learn about it on my webiste crappychildhoodfairy.com
I am a musician. My family history is full of abuse and trauma. Dysregulation is a huge part of this. My son is a drummer. He and I have discovered the amazing help we have in music. Our music helps us to regulate our minds through percussion. It brings both brain hemisheres into balance. I know this sounds odd, but it is really true. I cannot adequately describe how revolutionary this is to my healing. Rehearsals always uplift and validate. The daily practice keeps helping me as well.
Fully agree with you! I use my draums the same way and my son is interested as well. Same happens when I focus in investment charts etc. As an architecture student, I hired a maths tutor, because it helped me balance my brain. I´m also a leftie, who tried to do it all right(!) which also messed things up and all the above help with it. I am now writing with my left hand and play lefthanded as well.
@@SusanneBreul that is very cool. As a composer, producer and musician (in addition to percussion) I also find help with dysregulation. All this probably kept me alive throughout a painful childhood. Music production requires both right and left brain activity because inspiration (right side) must be somehow recorded (left side). After some 60 years of playing the inspiration comes easy. It is the logic of setting levels, connecting gear, etc that can be difficult to switch over to. I find that spending more time in inspiration land, i can gather enough energy to fire up the left frontal cotex to capture the inspiration.
Omg, you are so right. I grew up gay and guitar was the thing that saved my life from all of the abuse that I endured. I could not wait to get home from school to practice because it was the only thing that made me happy. I excelled in music and made it my world. I'm crying right now because I always knew music saved me but I did not know why. Thank you
100%, the djembe has saved my sanity.
You were still able to have sex and have a child. Some of us will never even be able to IMAGINE doing that! You are a fraud and so is your son.
I have never understood why my behaviour has often been so extreme and even weird. At this later stage in my life, I prefer to avoid socialising because I don’t trust how I might react to certain people. This has become a big problem for me as I keep looking for new excuses as to why I’m an introvert. I can behave in extreme ways and people have often commented throughout my life on how intense I seem on certain things which has always surprised me as I have never felt that I was being intense, I always wondered why I appear that way when I have not felt like that . So this has been extremely helpful in finally getting it now I can work at how I can change that. Thank you.
I SO relate to being told I'm intense or have people put their hands up in a defense block and go "woah, settle down" when I'm just talking. I've come to be able to distinguish when maybe I'm too much for real and when someone is patronizing me because I'm not like them.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have been called intense too. But my Mercury is also in Aries soooo who knows lol
Running on empty good book therapy helps you look at what u did not get as a child and how to cure that
This is why I have always hated being called weird for the way I sometimes behave, or even just for the way I naturally am. I don't feel good enough just being myself sometimes. It's so embarrassing to begin with, and then you feel completely misunderstood and not taken seriously. It sometimes makes me feel so fucking disrespected, and it's so unnecessary the way people behave sometimes. Patronizing is a very good word to use.
Same here
Ive suffered from depression for a long time not knowing what was wrong with me , i even thought i had aspergers. You just described my situation to a T .
I also believed I was on the autism spectrum thanks for writing your truth here it made me feel not so alone
So did I! Took an autism test and everything....
Me too!
How weird.. I thought that I'm autistic too. I even asked others that can i be autistic and I got no. But I still felt I have something more than just depression and anxiety.
Same!
I really like your video. My wife was diagnosed with PTSD because of childhood trauma. And I’m just seeking knowledge of this condition.
That is fantastic! So respectful and respectable for a partner to pursue - I don't know either of you, but thank you for doing this for her! 💗
Are you two good? I have it, and I’m worried I push him away, I don’t mean to but I have bad trust issues and overreact to any lie or something similar. I’m hoping it gets better and I will be more regulated with time but worry. I hope you’re both doing well.
Attempting to control my facial expressions was part of keeping safe... heard many times, “Wipe that look off your face,” “We’re going and when we get there, you’re going to like it and SMILE” while screaming & shaking a finger in my face. Years after my grade school days, I found out people though I was “ stuck up” because I kept to myself... THAT was the last thing I was! But I try to keep that in mind... we can never be certain about what someone else has had to deal with... it helps me to be kinder than I would otherwise, even if I have to take myself out of the presence of those people who are triggering me.
Thanks for sharing your experience :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have been called the ice queen, I never knew they talked about me so much. I was 50 the first time that I heard that from them. I know that didn't trust anyone with my feelings. I knew that it would give them power hurt me.
I turned to alcohol to self medicate, before I’d talk to my mother, due to emotional neglect, not realizing I could become addicted. Celebrating 19 years of sobriety, yet so much to heal!!! Thank you so much for your videos!!!! You are spot on!!!!!💕💕💕💕
Congratulations! That's really an accomplishment
Congrats!!!
Anna, this is my world! Finally someone is describing what happened to us while our crazy disconnected parents were playing house. Sick! My dad terrorized me, my mom, ignored me. And bingo, here I am finally figuring out my brain injury.
Welcome!
Sounds like my experience.
@@colorvision7 Me too
Now I understand the tripping and the bumping into.things and the blurry eyesight ...
i had noticed this was getting better once i realized i had cptsd... its amazing what changed when you are aware. its a new life.
I get the same
Doesn't always have to manifest that way. With me it's the very opposite. I'm too self-conscious and always TOO aware of what I'm doing with my body. I'm always so preoccupied with moving and walking properly that I've hardly any time to think about other things in the meantime. I monitor myself and evaluate and judge my body movements constantly.
Wow... as I’ve been going through trauma therapy (EMDR and CBT and other models), I’ve noticed I’ll bump into things more for a day or two after therapy and then like the third day, I’ve leveled out. My husband said it looks like I’m on drugs, and I completely understand why, because it kinda feels that way, too.
His comment, which would have previously offended me terribly before, didn’t even phase me, because he was just being honest how I appeared from the outside. Not mean, not angry or hateful, just matter-of-factly.
It’s helpful to know that it’s literally my brain that causes my issues, and that it’s not my fault.
What if you know there was trauma but you can't remember it all? In fact, memory of my childhood is almost nonexistent.
That's OK! In my techniques I help people notice and heal their symptoms -- the problems happening right now. No memories needed.
Thanks for responding to this CC Fairy. I also have disjointed and/or non-existent memories and huge gaps in memory from my childhood. It’s good to know that healing can occur without the memories there.
God bless you Sheree! Mine isn't nonexistent but a large part of my childhood memories are missing. Makes it hard to heal from things you can't remember. I truly wish you all the best.
I'm the same. So much has been blanked. Its good to know reliving the painful memories don't need to be re-lived to move on but good memories have been lost too. What is even more sad is that good memories of the times since childhood are also lost because of the powerful self defence/preservation mechanisms we put in place during childhood.
I told a therapist once that most of my childhood memories were in black and white. I don't think he understood. I think now that I was separating myself from what happened and it was like watching it in black and white tv.
Started crying when I watched this. I've never felt so understood. Thank you ❤
Beautiful! So glad you found me!
Throughout my entire childhood, I had a sort of brainfog. I had learning challenges that were only partially diagnosed. In 6th grade my music teacher screamed at me out of no where because she thought I was not enjoying the class or the instrument because my facial expression was not what she wanted, so I quit playing. I have been harassed over my face my entire life. I have never really had genuine friends. I was very shut down and weird for most of my life. I never learned to drive until I was 33 because I didn't trust myself to be able to pay attention to my surroundings. Like having headphones and someone else's glasses on. I have only learned in the last 3 years that I was being raised by a drug addicted narcissistic mother and that I experienced a ton of emotional neglect. Hearing about other people's caring parents is super triggering for me. I am 37 and thinking back on it, I remember when I was younger and hoping that one day I would be normal and would be able to think clearly. And I think it has actually happened now that I have had 15 years of my own life, success in higher education and no longer in contact with my mother. My memory is still total crap and I have no idea how to have a meaningful relationship because even within friendships I would regress into a fog. But at least I can work in my intended field and I know who I am now.
Check out the free Daily Practice course here, it's a great start for healing :) courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had similar experiences and would be pulled out of class because I would cover part of my face or because I didn't have the right expression or because I couldn't understand what was going on in all my music classes. In the end I just kept hiding and avoiding people more and more because I couldn't pretend as well as others could. My dad is really what taught me to have a blank face though as he loved to find my worse fears and bring them home he would collect them for you or other people's fears. Like my mom feared snakes and so he spent a whole day just collecting a bucket of snakes once that he wanted to bring into the house and probably dump on her bed in the middle of the night and I stopped him. I had to learn to show no emotion or else everyone would attack me for it or abuse me with it growing up. I had to do all these things to stop my dad from doing stuff or my mom from attacking people or my brother attacking as well. It was normal for me. Since I wasn't allowed practically any emotion it seeped out in terrible ways like I'd laugh instead of cry but it caused people to think I laughed at them which only made things worse. As an adult I don't laugh anymore and people don't understand why. I still have a bad memory of the past which my family loves making fun of, those that are left at least. There is only so much I can do. But yes, I struggled in school until I learned memory tricks to avoid work and got around stuff but I still have massive gaps but I worked around them and the main thing I learned growing up is the worst thing you can ever do is endanger yourself by asking for help. The second worst thing is to be successful. I'm 32 now and have struggled to get past a lot of this stuff.
I think we continue to be traumatized (perhaps daily) by all the lies we're told etc. My parents were decent. Most of my childhood trauma was caused by mean school children. Then there's the ongoing trauma of adulthood. There's such a difference between what we're taught life is supposed to be like and what actually IS. Just wanted to share these thoughts.
Some situations can have profound internal contradictions almost on a philosophical level that are not at all easy to detect. The implications and connotations of some of these can be nihilistic and creepy, right in the middle of seeming normality. Often there is more to be learned about those situations that explains that fracture, but it is hidden. This type of thing is always found around parent child incest for example. It can occur when a parent had some kind of very specific PTSD growing up. There was so much distortion in my environment growing up that I had to dissect as an adult to understand my maladjusted reactions.
@@bustermcgee7403 That's rough. Victims often victimize others and yes we may never know why. I'm glad we have tools like what Anna suggests to help us cope and heal.
@@bustermcgee7403 would you please elaborate on the 'philosophical level'? it sounds really familiar but I can't place it just yet
Aryan Street: uh, life not being what we're promised is stretching the term "trauma" a bit far.
@@PeachPlastic I don't entirely understand the question. At the most basic level we all subscribe to some philosophy or combination of philosophies. The Christian outlook, where a final judgement of ones ethics takes place is very common. Consumerism is prevalent, where the purpose of life is the acquiring of man made objects. Nihilism is the belief that there are no meaningful ethics and no basis for them. A nihilist will sometimes be capable of cruelty without remorse. If a parent is a nihilist, and narcissists usually are for example, a child will learn this. At the same time they may be taught Christianity at a very meaningful level. But they might also taught to appear an all times to be a consumer because of the social status. Christianity contradicts the other two, which leads to a kind of internal conflict. Then the parent may have been cruel in very specific ways that play into all this. It could create a very strange snarl, if say there is cruel reinforcement of sexual shame. This is a random example I just got by picking examples. This individual might have a very hard time figuring out why they are maladjusted. It might take some time to get philosophically sorted out to figure out who they really want to be. The nihilism in ones own character can appear as being a kind of wise, street smart. But the overall effect of this example might be that life is not very enjoyable punctuated by shame and pain. This is why personal inventory, looking within, can be useful. My point was that sometimes the problem can not be obvious on the surface, what appears to be "normal" can turn out to be not good at all.
Emotions are so tricky and when you’re going through stuff heavily, it’s really difficult to put into words how you feel. You really have a way of breaking it all down for me and putting words to all the chaos I’ve been living in for years! Love your videos!
Thank you Haley
I couldnt have said it better Haley
This is me 😥
I new I had CPTSD from spending 22years with a narcissist who stripped my soul. I always new I had childhood issues from being neglected and emotionally abused but never really knew what it was I needed to address to overcome this. I've watched about 3 of your videos and downloaded two PDF quiz sheets and it's obvious I have childhood PTSD and my brain is completely dysregulated. What you say about my facial expression not expressing how I feel inside is so me. So many people say to me "smile it will never happen" when I was unaware how I looked on the outside. Thank you
This absolutely warms my heart, that my experience speaks to you and give you hope. I'm very glad you're here, and hope you'll check out more videos and other materials on my website: crappychildhoodfairy.com I teach courses and would be very happy to have you in the group.
31 years with my narcissist before I got out and found out who I really was
YES ! I can be in a small group of ladies chatting- they are all participating in the conversation and I feel like I’m listening to ANOTHER language. It’s so CONFUSING! I ask myself - “are you JUST STUPID OR WHAT????”
Hahaha I have had that experience often myself
-Cara@TeamFairy
Perfect way of describing my 7am meltdown at work. Chemo for breast cancer made this a million times worse for me, and 2 weeks ago when I had to walk into work with a mask on and all the other people had masks on as well, my brain thought it was in a chemo ward and freaked out, and I am now manifesting physical pain every time I walk in the door and I am in misery. I did not battle cancer for this kind of quality of life, that is for sure.
(((((((hugs)))))))
I am so grateful to have found you. I was a scapegoat child and this dysfunction continues within my family to this day. I am now 75. My mother, who was the perpetrator, is still living and I still react to her even in a phone call..she continues with the insidious gaslighting and abuse...at 98!!! I don't quite know what to do about this. I have been just rejecting her phone calls. Still I am glad that even at this late time in my life, I am becoming aware of what really has gone on.
The Daily Practice will get you feeling free! bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
😰 Go 'no contact' ...save yourself!! 🙌
My mom is the same and has dementia. I cant leave her alone though I have to take care of her because its my mother.
your mom was but a teenager when she had you? Wow.
Maybe you could talk to your mum, about how she treated you as a child, I have similar issues, I tried to talk to my mother, but she has advanced dementia now, so its too late for me now, I'm currently trying therapy,
Gosh, it’s like the more I master my regulation, the less I need my addictions. Thank you Anna (and team)!! I’m finally feeling free of my past
That's wonderful to hear!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The past reaches up and grabs me when I'm unaware. When I am sleeping peacefully. When I am meeting strangers. When I am ill, or tired or hurt. Whenever I show any signs of weakness it ensnares me in it's nightmare.
Sadly, I know this well... its usually the moment I say to myself, wow, im really starting to feel better... then, bam! Like a load of bricks, all the symptoms physically and mentally present themselves... But through the help of Anna's videos im slow starting to catch this and have been trying to implement her tools, I am seeing little glitters of hope, may peace be with all on this journey called life 🙏 😊
You are the first person in my 57 years of life who has actually explained what I feel. You have a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us. I don't feel hopeful truthfully about ever living a truly happy life because the trauma in my life started so young and lasted so long. I just like watching your videos because no one has ever, ever got it right on the money like you do. I can become so dysregulated that all I can think about is ending my life because I am in a constant state of panic. Actual panic that can last for weeks. When I get like that, not even valium can slow down my heart rate enough or calm my spinning mind. It's horrible. I am so envious of people who don't have this.
I'm so glad you found us! YOu don't have to be hopeful about living a happy life to try some of the techniques. Here is a helpful and free course bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm 57 and realized I had CPTSD a couple of years ago. I was right where you are now. I experienced the most pain grieving all of the lost years and unused potential and loss of the life I could have had. Even writing about it now makes me sad. I worked with a therapist to process things. I had to get on an antidepressant because I couldn't stop reliving the feelings and it was severely interfering with my life. I'm more stable now and continue to get more stable but still have an underlying sadness. All I want out of life at this point is to work when I should work (I work from home), sleep when I should sleep, wake up before 10 a.m., eat healthy, exercise a little, leave my house more than once every 4 days. Things that come natural to most people. Maybe once I achieve that balance, I'll have more enjoyable goals.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Yes. I completely shut down, go numb when I’m upset. I look blank, unfeeling. And I feel like small things make me go crazy - shopping for clothes, traveling. Hmm...
Mmm-hmmm.
So I have CPTSD and sometimes when I get triggered I can't talk and my boyfriend doesn't know how to help me and I feel like I physically can't talk and if I try to talk it makes me feel like I'm gonna die 😭
Yes. I know the feeling. Come check out my courses!
Can you still write? Try to use a chat if that works for you.
Use a tablet or your phone or pen and paper to write instead of speak. I did that once when I was so angry at my mother I couldn't talk to her for 3 days once. It couldn't make it any worse to try it, right?
I have had this happen... it’s like something clamps down on my throat and I can’t speak even if I want/need to. My anxiety would well up so badly that I can’t get a deep breath to speak even if I wanted to, and my emotions are so overwhelming I feel like I need to run, yet can’t move.
It feels as if you are in the room with me, talking to me. You have a gift for connecting even through a screen.
I really relate to some of the ways you described dysregulation. It's like there's always a radio playing in my head, with all these random things being said. Even under the best of circumstances I can never seem to get that radio to turn off anymore. The best I can do is sometimes get it to go very quiet, way in the background.
Hmmm. Have you tried the Daily Practice?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes but it's not the same as it used to be. EMDR has produced an amazing effect sometimes, but in my case it didn't last (last therapist didn't follow the whole protocol... trying to find a new one now. Therapist shopping is hard!)
I often just have my parents in my head putting me down or fighting even when im hundreds of miles away
I'm not even two minutes into the video and I'm already crying. I was told I had complex trauma/complex ptsd and I just feel broken inside knowing how messed up my mind is. I've been living emotionally numb for most of my life now. I used to have so much emotion and passion as a young child and then it was stolen from me before I could even grasp it. Repeated childhood trauma ruins you. Now I'm numb or have many days where I'm emotionally unstable. I don't feel alive.
Don't give up!
Completely relate! It’s not easy at all.
Hope you’re doing okay. ❤️
Same!
Keep up your trauma work, ask Christ to heal you, journal daily, it really works!
Same here
As a preschool teacher in 2008, I would have been fired for saying such a thing to my student’s parents.
You'd still be fired! This is probably the biggest topic that must be nuanced almost to oblivion... telling a mother she's the reason her child is a behavioral mess. I've been honing this skill for 20 years but still tiptoe in with great trepidation!
All this feels so overwhelming. I feel like I'm just broken and unfixable
I'm very sad to hear this from you. I know how it feels and it sucks. Nobody deserves it...
Maybe you need some time to rest from all the improvement plan. That's what helped me when I felt overwhelmed. Focusing on what's 'wrong' with us can be exhausting... And we forget that we should both heal *and* seek joy at the same time. Not to put the life on hold until we're healed. You can live while you're you, now. Be gentle with yourself. Your overwhelm might tell you something, e.g. that you might have to focus on resting or getting better each day, and thinking about changing your whole life.
That's my top tip: imagine an inner child is telling you this: that she's overwhelmed, broken and unfixable. What would you say to this child? Say and do exactly this to yourself. You probably know what to say.
Another thing that helped me was to think: 'that's exactly how my abusers wanted me to be: broken'. It gave me power to fight for my life.
All the best to you. I hope you find what you need to feel better. You're not broken. But someone treated you badly to make you feel this way. And you should not be the one to pay the price for this trauma.
@@cpunykurde thanks for the encouragement. I'm just hurting extra bad at the moment. An overwelm of stress triggered a total breakdown two years ago. I had thought I was doing better. Keeping my emotions from exploding at people, responding in healthier ways when I was upset. I even had started to have joy and excitement again.
Then a disagreement with a friend where I was attempting to handle things more maturally while triggered ended up causing people I love to write me off and stop talking to me. Literally my closest and most trusted friend still won't talk to me or accept my apologies.
Ever since that happened 9 months ago I am struggling to find hope and joy again. I struggle to trust myself if I could cause such a deep rift while trying so hard to remain balanced.
God is bringing me through healing and there are some areas inside that huge progress has been made. In others I'm struggling. I just want to get better so I can stop losing my friends. It hurts too much to get close to people and then have them reject you.
Anyways, thanks so much for your kind words. I have definitely been going through healing in spurts.
@@CherishedbyGod I am going through the same things you mentioned here. I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. If you want to connect please let me know
@@ammaslotus Amma Lotus I am so sorry that you are struggling. A year ago I felt like I was unfixable, damaged beyond repair and so hopeless. God has brought me so much healing in the last year. He even restored a friendship that seemed unfixable. When the pain is so intense it feels like getting better is impossible but I am here to tell you that even if it takes baby steps, it is possible to heal inside. May you find peace and strength and healing/
@@CherishedbyGod isn’t it great what our Lord can do! He’s has shown me miracles and healing and strength to get through this life ! And I know for a fact that he will see me through everything That will come my way! If not I know I’ll be in heaven. Life is never easy but the unconditional love I feel everyday is mind blowing...
I feel DEAD inside today, and yet my brain feels like it’s spinning in a cusinart. The dichotomy is so confusing till you just don’t care any longer.
If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
Pair the disregulation with clinical depression and the “inner radio” goes from telling me how terrible i am for “all of the things” to how lazy i am because i can’t get out of bed at a consistent time or finish organizing (or anything i start to be perfectly honest)…
This explains why i feel too overwhelmed to accomplish anything.
We understand! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
CPTSD and ADD has a lot of over lapping symptoms. I don't know anything about you, but your comment sounds a lot like you might be struggling with ADD aswell? Which in turn can make childhood trauma so much more damaging if added on top. Maybe look in to both if you haven't already. Good luck on your journey to healing.
I've pretty much been depressed all my life and getting out of bed is a struggle with depression for sure. But being lazy is only what someone says when they don't understand you. It's hard to be motivated or stay motivated when you get overwhelmed or despair. Remember to take care of yourself the best you can become it can make it easier. Sometimes though, you really just need to try and do it later..
This explains why I go into "frozen deer in headlights" mode social situations, especially when the other person is being mean or rude. My usually quick mind just stops completely and I feel disoriented afterwards, wondering what just happened.
Yes, you've described it exactly! The freeze response.
The freeze and fawn response are typically my natural responses to high stress and angry confrontations/conflict. I then feel disconnected from myself and my environment, and it’s like everything is super loud or muffled like the teachers in Charlie Brown (“Wah wah wah!”).
I too feel confused and disoriented afterwards, and because I had no visual context in the moment of conflict, I didn’t realize it was CPTSD from childhood events making the current situation seem more dangerous than it actually was/is.
WOOOOOooowwww ... I wish this were part of education so that EVERYONE would get it! I call mine, "The Storm" coz that's what it feels like in my head! A huge, raging CAT 5 hurricane with explosions (not the center of the storm, oh how I wish!). I just hybernate/shut down/go quiet til it's over so that I don't hurt anyone. However, this may take a few days. Now I know why my grown children have nothing to do with me and I don't blame them. Thank you just doesn't seem enough, but it's everything I have for you. Keep fighting this good fight for us all, coz I KNOW we'll get there with your help! Thank you! from the bottom of my pea-pickin heart. (HUUUGS)
What if you spent your childhood and early adulthood submerging your emotions as a protective mechanism, to the point where you don't always know what you're feeling unless it's extreme, like anger? The anger overwhelms my life, often unconsciously, in physical tension, acid reflux and lack of trust in people. How do I get rid of it? I'm not a violent person but I think, if I ever let all the anger surface, I would be. It might make me cease to be human. I am thinking of getting a punching bag.
I think "venting" techniques have been pretty well shown to make anger and dysregulation worse, not better. In any case I don't know of anyone who is trying to use it therapeutically, but I'm pretty much exclusively focused on teaching the techniques and principles that helped my recovery. You may want to give my methods a try!
I really needed this. Thank you.
So... Mine (the dysregulation) doesn't come from childhood trauma but from the OTHER "C" in CPTSD; mine is "CHRONIC" PTSD. Years of physical abuse, sexual abuse from boyfriends and from my husband. People don't understand how a husband can sexually abuse you but I don't need to be graphic when I say that if I didn't enthusiastically participate, I got the hell knocked out of me. And of course the emotional/psychological abuse. I have held people spellbound while relating my history to them. The look on their faces was as abusive to my soul as much as the other abuses. I've been in this "lala land" for decades and this is how people know me. It's how my kids know me and it breaks my heart to know understand where it comes from as I feel culpable for it's existence in their lives and my own.
Hang in there. Healing is possible and life gets fuller, and happier.
C clinically stands for Complex. I feel you deeply. I did have the childhood trauma but that led to poor partner choices and further abuse. Like the crabby childhood fairy said keep working at it! It will get better! We can change these subconscious patterns that were created to protect us initially but no longer serve us, or at least don’t belong running the everyday show. Neuroplasticity shows the brain can be rewired! Healing takes work and time but can be done! It’s worth it, you deserve to live the best most joyous life possible ❤️
My heart goes out to you 💖💖💖
They tell me that because my whole childhood was a traumatic event that it is not possible to ever know why I am experiencing trauma my nervous system has taken a picture of a trauma that is stored in my reptilian brain 🧠 I can feel trauma there is no logic attached to it
It’s just there no event no memory just how my nervous system remembers it
Feelings without pictures or memories
I have audio-immune disease and it took me down in my early twenty’s but I got back up and lasted till I was 47yrs old I have worked hard all my life and because of dyslexia I started working when I was six not full time I was just a kid but I was a force to reckon with much better than the classroom I Carried a truancy card so if the police stopped me they could not take me back to school
Once I ran into a bunch of my friends playing hooky and the police busted us except me I will never forget the look on my friends faces when they slammed the door on my friends and told me to have a nice day. The next day they wanted to know what a truancy card was.
They told me I was ADHD but I lived in a constant state of danger I was in a high adrenaline state
I was eight years old and me and my buddy put a full grown man in the hospital with sever head trauma because he was on top of his mother beating her I did not Hesitate and that full grown man ran from us because if he did not we would have killed him he had no doubt
I remember the police asking me what happened and after I told him he just looked at me with a totally blank face he turned to the mother and asked how drunk was your boyfriend and she said he was not. The cop asked what about last night and she replied he was not that’s why he was beating me he wanted the kids food money and I would not give it to him
The cops could not stop laughing they told me we just took him to the drunk tank when I drove up I saw him staggering and when he saw me he tried to run away and fell on his face he had to get control of himself and tell the cop taking him to the drunk tank that he better take him to the hospital first he was there for four days handcuffed to a bed and picked him up after court on Friday meaning he spent the whole weekend in the tank till court on Monday morning and everybody new that an eight year old and a seven year old beat the shit out of him for beating their mother
He moved out of town the humiliation and repercussions were too much for him he had to return for work everyday but never went to the local bars after work
I was not a bully or considered to be violent except if A teacher ever hit me I would fight instantly
When I was fifteen a principal of a new high school asked me to attend his school that it won’t be the experience I was used to so I agreed in the first two weeks of this new school in the first coed PE classes ever with an olympian head of the new physical education department he was blonde haired and blue eyed he was so pretty and was trying to impress this new group of jail-bate he showed his accuracy with the basketball by deliberately throwing it at me and hitting me in the back of the head
The fucking fight was on and I honestly don’t have fear but this olympian sure did he ran for his life into the principals office unannounced locking the door behind him
I went to clean out my locker but The principal asked me not to he told me that that teacher made a big mistake and it will never happen again so I agree to stay
Apparently they had a big meeting regarding me the teachers were told under no circumstances do you challenge or be physical with this individual
And the school board insisted that they never involve me in any activity where anything they put in my hands can be used as a weapon so I never took shop
And they did not put me and the Olympian in the same room for two years no teacher ever hit me again
For the reasons above no parent wanted me to be with their children and it was not because they did not like me they did I was to damaged
I remember this father walking by me and mumbled punk he got twenty feet before his youngest drag him to the ground and told his dad that the reason I looked like that was because I saved him and his brother from a beating he came back and apologized thank me for taking a beating for his boys and brought me lunch
If teachers did to a child today what they did to me they would be in jail
I remember some mothers crying
About how black and blue my body could get
As a child I had no idea what the problem was
When we were older their children were safer around me that not if I ran from a party there would always be people following me because I never did that for no reason
I was way too high adrenaline for most girls but if they were in trouble I was the guy that would take them home where they were safe
If any guy wanted to sexually abuse a girl I had better not be there I would rather be dead than living with not doing anything for someone who could not defend themselves against sick assholes
Today I’m sixty and I still struggle with what ever emotion I can’t figure out but today I have skills that gets me through it
They call it self regulating trauma
If I am there than I have a system to get through it
💓💔 My heart breaks for the Hell you went through. I do understand that instinct to protect others. I've always been able to sense that another person has come from an abusive background. I think we all can, if we pay attention. 😔
You are a good soul.
K
I'm dyslexic and have ADHD to I struggled my whole life and a violent childhood be strong it's good that you're taking tools to grow
I’ve been struggling to understand where caring ends and trauma bonding begins. Please let me know, if you can.
That moment when you realize you've been living in a constant state of dysregulation. 😢
You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you SO MUCH for explaining this! At least there is a reason for this...I feel so alone some times.
Kat S, you aren't alone. There are so many of us going through the same things that you are. We are all here for you. Don't give up, keep working on it. You'll get there! We all feel that way a lot.
Yes, Some days I feel all My progress 💓🌷, Others I am tired and don't. I think that's normal w CPTSD and why so many get misdx as BPII.
Kat......WE are brothers and sisters of shared experiences
You.....are not alone!
There are more of us thank you know! ;) advocacy helps this. I have begun talking openly about it on FB and accepting questions from others. I have helped a few ppl who have spouses in the same switch.
@@sll110 it takes time, learning as much as you can about what triggers you and why, learning to talk yourself back down when you are triggered until you're calm and rational in a triggering situation and doing something with your time that you love. Something you can focus on and put yourself into. We always have to work on ourselves. We can't sit back waiting to get better. We have to live and strive and we should. It's ok! We need to and should be happy. For some of us we have to learn how to do that. Anna has so much great information and so many practices that help so much. You have to find what works best for you. The most important thing is to just take a step back when you are not feeling normal take a few deep breaths and remind yourself you are ok. Then try to let go of whatever strong emotion you are feeling and observe the situation without opinion. Take nothing too personally. I remind myself regularly that I am just an observer here! It works for me. I hope this makes sense to you and helps you find what works the best for you. Never stop working on yourself and forgiveness and giving yourself permission to not worry about those who hurt you but instead focus on your health and well being. It's perfectly fine to make yourself a priority! I wish you the very best in your healing and will be praying and thinking of you. Love, peace and comfort to you my friend!
The first concept I've learned in my healing journey came from your videos on dysregulation. It explains why I can't cope with abandonment, overreact to situations, especially when it involves someone criticizing me or when they leave, it's unbearable. I lose control of my emotions and other aspects of me that I wouldn't compromise if I was in my 5 senses. I'm still work in progress, but thank you so much for your videos and your innovative techniques to tailor to childhood trauma survivors. You just can't find this in therapy unfortunately... I guess you really have to go through it to educate others properly, I'm really thankful for you and for using your painful experiences to help others.
This is exactly how I feel. I overreact all the time. I just want to feel normal.
I'm taking a break from my family-(and most people in general) in order to quiet all of the Dysregulation in my brain....
Sounds good
Me trying to guess what a normal response would be:
😶
Me trying to think of the right thing to say:
😶
"Oh .. that .. must.. have .. been ... really............................... terrible."
Me thinking: Did that come out right?
🤔
Edit: Now feel horribly guilty for not being able to connect.
I went through all middle and high school like this thinking I was just strange, stupid or dreamy, going from overwhelming emotions to walking between classes feeling like a zombie. It's only in mid-twenties that I realized I wasn't crazy or lazy or overdramatic, but that I was bottling so many things that I had to disconnect to survive. It was very validating when I learned about cptsd and how it's not only huge traumatic events that can scar you immensely. A couple months later, my then-partner literally said ''Are you sure you don't have ptsd?'' when I started having a panic attack because of leftovers. He didn't know about cptsd, so it really confirmed my suspicions if even him could tell that it's not just a weird reaction to an ordinary conflict. I'm looking forward to have an official diagnosis, but I completely relate even without a professional having to declare that it's what I'm dealing with.
Keep in mind, according to the American Psychiatric Association, there is no CPTSD, only PTSD is recognized. No shame in a self-diagnosis. Here is a link to a quiz as a self-assessment tool bit.ly/2uXHlOz
-Cara@TeamFairy
"Disconnect to survive" you just said it for me. My narcissistic mother even said to me once when she and my father were berating me as a child that she would watch me withdraw within myself. You would think if a mother witnessed this she would back off but nope....just keep pushing the person down. Best of luck to both of us ... we can survive this life!
Happened to me in my 8th grade year everyone just treated me like i was crazy and no one actually helped me.
I’m aspie and have this with cptsd...try my mind...
Lmao our brain is like cptsd on steroids.
Tai Qi helps a lot
Ditto
My heart goes out to y’all aspies with cptsd. My brother has Asperger’s, so trauma is worse for him, too. Stay strong, but be weak when you need and want to. I don’t know if I’m an aspie, but I am highly sensitive, if only from so much trauma in my life.
Much love to y’all!
me too... i feel like giving up
It's not in your mind, it's in your brain....I love that so much wow
Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy
I've been dysregulated whenever I go out in public for months now, I'm worried about my health.
Being forced to move from Air Force base to Air Force base is traumatic.
I explained my disregulation to my BF as like feeling like a tiny person in a Pacific Rim fighter suit, not fully present and watching myself interact with others. Another way I have described it was like the emotions in inside out, watching the real world like a movie screen.
Lol a Jaeger
So many things you say that I recognize what's happening to me, my face doesn't express anything and mostly I feel a rush of adrenaline pumping through my vanes and my handwriting changes too... So much that I can't even make my signature anymore, my brain goes into total chaos and it takes a very long time for me to calm down.
After learning about the dysregulation and how far it's stretched my life, I decided to write a very pointed letter to parental figures in my life. I realized how much had been robbed from me from all of these issues, and while anger and fury are not the ideal coping mechanism, they are emotions I have held and hidden away because I wasn't proud of them and I felt they were never justified. I can now see looking back how necessary it is for development, because frustration is a natural emotion that you feel especially when things are taken from you, or when you feel cheated. The anger I should have felt back then was taken from me, manipulated away.
I know it's not the greatest look, but it can help start the dialogue. I encourage anyone who resonated with this series to continue expressing your feelings, but being able to label them more importantly. We are all capable of love, even if it feels like you're damaged goods there is still hope.
unbelievably accurate description. wow.
Something hasn't been right for a long time. Some of my PTSD is Adult related but I am finding out more and more it's connected to my childhood. I never considered my childhood all that bad but when listening to how some behaviors are linked it now makes sense.
I had that same situation about looking like I don’t care! I was at a piano recital when I was a child and I completely forgot a piece. And my teacher yelled at me “ don’t you feel anything! » And I was mortified! And I couldn’t understand why she doesn’t see that.
Now at 46yrs i know why i am me' thank you for explaining why at my 17yr old sons funeral' people said i didn't cry so i didn't care when on the inside i am dying. I was a child sex traffics victim and no therapist helped or explained me as well as you just did. Thank you.❤
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with us, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
THis happens to me regularly, I forget what I’m talking about mid conversation, and I enjoy arguing with people once m triggered. It’s out of control, only just been diagnosed, everything is sloting into place at last at 55. Good luck and love to all ❤️💚💙💜
Dysregulation- Having to re-play this video multiple times to get every word she says..
Same.
😢never heard anyone say that before. Exactly how I have lived through my entire life. I’m 59 our generation is so far behind
I'm tired and, when I'm not tired, I'm angry at myself for not...not being content with what is ok, not having dreams, not wanting to get up, even though my stuff is just in my head and my body is great, unlike my sister with the very debilitating neurological pain. I don't even know how to check if you respond to this comment. Your words ring true. Thank you!
Cptsd + other experiences lead me to have neurological pain so bad I couldnt walk very far without triggering it. I healed myself with TMS / mindbody techniques, suggest looking up tms wiki to start with if your sis is interested it might help. I can only speak of my experience though and cant guarantee anything of course. However, I'm so extremely grateful for looking into the mind body connection and the pain pathways in my brain it triggered, I couldn't control it but with time I retrained my brain.
It's been one year since I left a group that I had been in for 50 years feels great the internalized rage has diminished a lot.
Congratulations it can be so hard!
It was stuff that happened in my adulthood that ultimately triggered my c-ptsd. It's hard to hear the part about putting things aside when you've always felt dismissed. Thank you for the video. Nice description at the beginning.
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Do literally mean you’re hearing loud noise? I don’t experience that.
For me it’s an overwhelming feeling of doom, or I can suddenly feel detached and extraordinary calm and peaceful. More often I’ll feel very threatened anxious and fear in my heart, I’ll perceive the other person as very powerful, even if they’re not. Are these emotional flashbacks?
I wonder how it is for other people.
Birdsong when I say "noise in my head" it's not literal noise! More like chaos in my ability to tune in and focus. Doesn't happen anymore.
@Jane I completely relate to everything you said. I do the exact same thing. When I'm triggered and disregulated I just "give up" because I just don't know what to do, so I do nothing. It is a horrible feeling but I'm learning all I can and knowledge is power! Best wishes to you!
I can completely relate. I have experienced some traditional PTSD flashbacks but, the emotional flashbacks are so much harder to deal with. I grew up in a extremely unstable environment of addiction and violence. I was terrified all the time. My parents died in 1985 and 1991. I thought (naively) all my problems were behind me...The feeling of doom... I couldn't get away from it. That is what makes this information so amazing. The knowledge that those feelings are a "normal" response to things outside of ourselves and out of our control. I found it helpful to read about the 4F's (fight/flight/fawn/freeze)of trauma response...becoming self aware of my response style helped me acknowledge patterns in my behaviors. With the awareness...I can be present in my body and make some headway as to what I am feeling. I used to feel like I was drowning in emotional quicksand and everything about my life was overwhelming. I am still working on my process, of course but, I have real hope for recovery!! That IS HUGE!!
:)
I relate to a lot of what you said - even perceiving the other person as powerful (over myself). I just never could put that into words before. I’ve rarely if ever experienced total calm detachment, it’s usually doom, anxiety and threatened in my case.
I have a question and a comment. How much has CPTSD been misdiagnosed as ADD, Adult ADHD or other common diagnosis when it's more likely deregulation? Video comment: I've started to watch the CCF videos as an adjunct to my personal therapy sessions. One thing my therapists has helped me realize is that everyone goes through the same feelings and thoughts I do, yet I just happen to be "overly" (our definition of my over response to some things) sensitive or reactive. So, doing a little emotional math, If "normal" regulation is between 1-4, and "normal" deregulation starts between 5 and 7, I might be overly starting at 8. But, I'm not 8 away from regulation, I'm really only 4 away. My point is, it's a lot easier for me to feel more in control when I realize I'm much closer to regulation than I thought I was. I'm not sure how much I experience the symptoms you mentioned, yet I know when I feel threatened I'm much more emotionally reactive. I do logically recognize this at times, yet getting control over it can be an issue.
I slip into some sort of absent state if i start thinking of traumas. I will snap out of it and it scares me after because these are states where i have gotten reactively violent to someone flipping me off in traffic or something dumb like that. I even see my sister switch to this brain state when i just try to talk to her constructively about her behaviour. It is really messed up and my parents refuse to see or address it or take any responsibility. Ive given myself migraines and the physical and visual type changes are real. I had dp/dr since i can remember as a child. My mom goes into the absent state for hours and just parks herself in front of tv because she cant deal with my dad's dysfunctions and she in turn becomes dysfunctional herself as a coping mechanism. Its really sad to see all the damage my father's casual alcoholism, daily anger, manipulation, lies, etc have done to an entire family and how it infected and spread out. The amount of misery i subjected myself to is hard to get over and i resent him so much now as an adult and am slowly just seeig hate being transformed into sadness for him. Watching him degenerate now in older age due to his own self neglect is the ultimate hollow end. I am trying to deal with him being infirm soon and knowing i am not interested in wiping his butt. The worst part is he has the ability to be healthy but just refuses to try. The biggest tragedy is how he dragged my mom into this kind of life. This guy who used to scare the hell out of me is just a pathetic old man now who cant even walk up a flight of stairs without looking like he is about to collapse. The economic conditions and my own failures causing me to live with him is really a big mark on my life. I tried to get away so many times desperately on shaky grounds and always failed.
Yep rumination usually hits me then dysregulation along with anger. I'll literally walk In circles.
So accurate. When this happens to me it’s like I’m going into a different world. I guess what a normal person would say and also I tend to blank out a lot of what people say bc I’m so in my head when they’re talking and so focused on feeling uncomfortable and trynna play shit off that I kinda just have to pretend I heard what they said.
You're not alone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you crappy childhood fairy, you brought light into our lives. Thank you for telling us we can be normal again
Aw, what a sweet comment. Thanks.
Thank you so much for all your hard work! I’ve been hitting wall after wall and I’m just so happy to have stumbled across your videos. It’s Not just the content, but your style and topics and flow that just pulls me in and is helping me. So thank you!
I'm so glad to hear that. I'm glad you're here.
I often wondered why my handwriting changed mid-word or sentence, now I understand. Great video, thanks for doing what you do.
I really needed to hear that people who appear to have a pokerface may really just be disregulated.
I think this could be a reason why people say I look so confident and I never look nervous when I say I am. Some ask how I keep my poker face through everything. I pretend it's a super power, but it's not.
OMG, I am 65 years old and just figured out I have C PTSD. I have never kept a relationship. I live alone, lost my family, and home. Nobody understands.
I've always been alone, even as a child. I couldn't keep a job. People have said I'm a strange person, and my siblings and I are the same. I always felt odd, never fit in anywhere, and have no identity. Also, I have nightmares and still remember childhood nightmares, despite not having any other childhood memories. My adult short and long term memories cause problems also.
I tried to explain my issues to a doctor, they don't recognize any of it. All they want to do is give me mood pills. They think I'm just depressed. I refuse any drug therapies. Now I'm disabled, can hardly walk, my nerves are completely shot. My anger gets out of control. I cry all the time. I really hope somebody can help. So many times, I just want to end it all. Amazingly, I'm still here, still trying to figure this out. Everything you said makes so much sense. I thought, at one time, I had aspergers syndrome. It's very unusual for me to even respond in comments.
🫂🕊️✝️
Wow! You put it into words that I've never been able find to describe something I've never understood. This is exactly what I experience.
It is a joy to meet others who get it. Glad you're here.
This user
Noted! Thanks @Robert Martin!
For me,it feels like i am disconnected and numb all over,and it often feels like one side of my body is heavier than the other. I grew up repressing emotional,being excessively logical with mental and emotional stress. I did not even know i had trauma of any kind,really. I just feel off. And i just developed a routine last year.
Congratulations on starting a routine, that's a huge deal!
Is EMDR supposed to help with dysregulation? I'm just feeling worse.
It does help some people, but not everyone. It can depend on the practitioner too. Don't give up! There are good ways to learn re-regulation. I have a free course that many find helpful -- "The Daily Practice." It's in the description section below all my videos.
What are the differences between dissociation and dysregulation?
My question, too. I can talk to people when I feel what I call “dissociation.” I like “disregulated” better, since dissociation has so many confusing definition that don’t relate to me.
I'd really like to know: what can I do to be there for someone with CPTSD who is currently experiencing dysregulation? I want to be as gentle as possible, and give them their space, but whilst simultaneously letting them know that I am here for them, and I'm not sure how to do that
Great presentation. Ive never seen or heard such good examples. I have similar problems like how my writing changes when I'm drowning in dysregulation and or dissociation. I shoplift to snap out of it. Now my life is a dumpster fire. I have a grueaome stack of triggers. So painful and unfair. Thanks for sharing. The past gnaws at you. Its destabilizing. Deteriorating. The past won't let go.
💓 Yes, sadly most people don't know that shoplifting is often an addiction. There is finally recognition & treatment available. I know a woman who has done well with dual addiction. 💓👍
I didn't realize people could choose what they thought about. TIL.
In addition to the sense of wearing "clown shoes" that trip a person up, can it feel like walking through jello, like slow motion requiring extra effort to slog through, like one is having to expend extra energy to do basic things, like everything is hard or challenging? Very informative video, thanks.
Yes, jello! or walking on sand dunes, if you've ever done that.
Thank you, keep teaching pls
I look back on the years of my life and I white-knuckled it through it all, I am truly a survivor. Prayer, my faith in God and wise information such as this is healing me.
We're all rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy
I have such a hard time explaining this about myself. I usually just say I feel every emotion on a much larger than normal scale. Typically though fear and self doubt are at the front. My history of childhood, adolescent, and young adult abuse has programmed me to believe that I am worthless, unlovable, and if anything doesn't work out that it's my fault. I was diagnosed with CPTSD in April of this year. Trying to understand this and begin to heal is so very difficult.
I’ve been having therapy for sexual abuse I suffered as a child and also the bullying I was subject to also every day at school and beyond. I didn’t realise that my brain may be change because of these events. I’m triggered recently when children shout and play outside. I have a massive panic attack sometimes and have to take lorazepam to calm down. I’m 58 and so want to get better. I hope through your different approaches I can learn a new way. There’s little time left for me, but I want it to be joyful and happy, rather than fearful and anxious.
Lots of time left for you to have a full life, so glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Can relate to every single word that was said in this video and (kind of wish I couldn't) but it's so good to know that it's not just me. Thank you for this :). Gonna binge watch a load of your videos now
Thank you @Sarah Lou! Sounds like you've found your tribe!
For me dysregulation feels like I'm three different people. First one is the warrior monster that reacts and a very negative and hostle manner when im upset. I might not be able to find the words to say what I need to say or they just don't come out or my mind goes to another place.
Second after the fact is the person that's trying to figure out what the hell did I just do snd why. I sit there and try to analyze the situation and figure out okay how am I going to fix this and make it right it usually takes me a couple of days to figure out a perfect solution. It might be an apology it might be an explanation of a clear clear situation or just finding the correct words.
The third person is the one that fixes that's when I take action and make the wrong I did right. Sometimes I just don't have the patience to deal with the situation anymore. Sometimes I'm just too exhausted and I just give up and try not to react. But mostly I walk around as an angry person and I'm afraid of what I might do in a triggering situation when I am having a bad day.
They say that life is what you make it with pstd ....no
Yes. Exactly. For me a vital part of healing is to become aware of dissregulation itself. It feels unbearable but it is definitely liberating and makes you realize why you have been addicted to numerous things and people and lived in an illussion all your life so far. And have made so many unreasonable 'mistakes' and behaved irrationally even in the easiest of situations. Disregulation feels like sheer crazinness. There's a total lack of safety whatsoever. One can have limitless compassion for oneself when they let themselves feel IT at last and not have a nervous breakdown . Thank you for describing the whole experience in such great details. 🙏💚
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It’s a real thing. I think of it as a few filling cabinets that I have in my head. Year after year I’ve shoved thoughts, moments, feelings into these filing cabinet’s then one day the drawers opened and a fan now emerges. It’s on medium speed and all the files start blowing around. I try to grab the blowing paper but nothing goes together. One piece might be from 1988 and another from 2003 and I’m unable to sort though all the chaos. So simple conversations or task seem impossible.
This really helped me understand myself and my parents better. Thank you.
I'm so glad!
-Cara@TeamFairy
just listening to you helps me reregulate... thank you for these videos...
There are bad people in this world, my mother who molested kids that came over to her house was bad. All of that was bad. She'd smirk and giggle when I asked confronted her why she took my friend into her bedroom and locked the door.
She's old now, I still hate her.
And all this time I assumed I had Social Anxiety Disorder. Dysregulation makes complete sense to me. Now I can heal.
According to coworkers and former coworkers, I have a 'serial killer face' when disregulated. Last good gig I had I stopped going once filming wrapped and never contacted anyone for new work since because Im afraid of getting blackballed. Already want to hide or die often, and then be made aware that my presence is 'bringing the mood and vibe down, man', only makes it that much worse. Sucks how this crap has such a direct impact on ones employment/finances.
Hmmm... if there's any possibility that the look on your face, and the "vibe" you're describing are dysregulation, it sounds like learning to re-regulate could be super helpful. It's helpful just because it feels better, but it sounds like it could be a way to "show up" better when you're with people. If you haven't checked out my courses yet, you may want to do that. crappychildhoodfairy.com
I'm learning about all this at an old age. I never knew what was wrong, I thought I was defective. It helps to know but it's also too much to bear.
I hear you. I know it can feel overwhelming, but you deserve to heal and we're all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you
What do you suggest when you are forced to communicate when a person is in the midst of being deregulated?
No one should be “forced” to communicate during dysregulation, especially if it makes the state deepen. If you can, I’d suggest talking to the person that needs to communicate about dysregulation and ask them to be considerate of you, or if you’re trying to communicate with someone who is dysregulated, ask them what you can do to help them.
For me, physically grounding me in reality by calmly trying to get me to notice physical details, sounds, smells, in the present moment.
If this is a work-related thing, maybe talk to a manager you think would hear you out and explain CPTSD to them a bit.