I have been my mother's mother since I was a child. I feel like I've looked after her my entire life. I have so much empathy for how much she struggles and what she went through as a child, but as a result she has ruined my whole life. And still does!!!!!! Im all she has now and I have so much guilt but right now I am removing myself from our relationship. Nothing I do is ever enough and she manipulates every situation so that I HAVE to be there for her. I've had enough! I am in so much pain.
She is an adult and responsible for her own life. It is okay to set boundaries. You are not responsible for her happiness. I only began to believe this when I said this out loud to my mother. I only learned to say no in my 40's and told herI am not responsible in my 50's. I wish I did it sooner. If you can, let go of guilt. You can go it on your own. Start giving to yourself and caring for yourself first. Set strong boundaries to protect yourself from her control and negativity. I send you my support. You are saying you have had enough so I know you are on your way. Best Wishes to You !!
Nobody said it did. You do not own the only seat in the trauma bus nor is your experience the penultimate abuse. You can be interested in healing or staying a victim, you don't get to do both. Part of healing is seeing your mother for what she is... a flawed hurting person who hurts people and may not ever be in a position to do better. In some ways its easier to have a "villain" as a parent, its a hell of alot harder to humanize a person who hurt you and abdicated their responsibility to you without any actual malice. Refusing to understand lets you stay righteous and angry and ultimately stuck. Its not easy to accept that your parent isn't a bad person but did bad things to you anyway and may have been a good person to others.
8 signs of mama trauma 1. You would describe your relationship with mother or mother as difficult rocky crazy for the most part 2. You have deep sense of not being good enough youre probably a perfectionist told you were bad etc 3 her love hurts 4. You may have cptsd or ptsd 5. Physical mental health issues 6. You are embarrassed to tell what she did to you or uncomfortable , you lack boundaries 7. You never feel seen or heard , they treat you as an extention of them doesnt accept your true self 8. You have love hate relationship with them , you feel or have said you hate them as an older teen or adult 😢
You inspired me to write this poem just now about my parents: Never seen for the truth of me 👀 Never heard correctly 👂 Never known for who I am 🧠 Never, ever understood by them... 💔 Invisible, voiceless , disregarded and misunderstood... 🗑 That’s how I feel when I’m near my family 👨👩👧👦 also controlled and condemned Shameful, not good enough it’s just Conditional love And its never enough to be happy 😫 Good behavior might earn me some sort of reward ⭐️ I may gain some of their acceptability 👍🏻 But Approval is contingent upon if I obey 🙇♀️ Mom & Dad 👫 I needed your love, 💜 but not in this way Wish change for today 🙏🏻 I won’t hold my breath 🌬 Because that would mean death ☠️ My sense of self worth my value, self love 💗 It all got taken from me In my childhood 😾 I feel I might go crazy 👹 Oh wait, I already did 🤦🏼♀️
Thank you so much Sarah, for sharing this beautiful, and heartbreaking poem. I know there are so many others who feel this way too, and I am truly sorry this has been your experience. You never deserved it, and you deserve love, healing and support. You are not invisible here - or misunderstood or voiceless. I hope you know your thoughts, voice and story matter💕🙏🏻🙏🏻
love you! what a beautiful poem. I can relate 100 percent. And you know what even though it feels llike we are the crazy ones, we arent. we know enough to know this is wrong. we know enough to find videos like this to try to make sense of what is senseless. I am with you sister and you are not alone. I pray all souls on earth no matter the trauma heal in love and light. thank you much for sharing your poem. YOU MATTER and YOU ARE SEEN. ❤
I've just found this channel after months of watching everything I could find about mothers with BPD and Narcissism, and not a single one of them really gets it like you do in these videos. The final sign you mentioned hit especially hard--it is so difficult to ever share with anyone that yes, I do truly hate my mother, without getting so much pushback and judgment. No one who had a good enough mother figure can ever understand how much damage a mother like this can do, and the abuse stays with you long after she's out of your life, so you struggle to maintain healthy relationships for years or decades because of the malware she installed in your nervous system. I'm so grateful that you are creating this content.
I’m so sorry Danielle , I feel Your pain tremendously! And U are so right . I had both My Parents as Narcissistic Sociopaths only finding out 2 years ago ! These entities are Demon possessed! GOD BLESS YOU 💕🙏
I have BPD, CPTSD and OCD because my mother was and is unreliable and selfish. I'm working really hard on not letting my BPD get in the way of my relationship with my children. I don't at all judge you for saying you hate your mother, as I really do get it. I hope it doesn't cloud your view of those with BPD. Alot of us really are trying to break the cycle x
Added to that, I would say there some issues with the presentation which are negatively affecting how fast this channel grows. The intro music omg just dump that, put me to sleep. And talk a little faster, I cranked the speed up to 2x, and I could still understand the info just fine. RUclips viewers watch a lot of videos, we do not have time for creators who take forever to say stuff. See Kati Morton's channel, and how fast she talks. But I want to emphasize, the content info is OUTSTANDING. You should have a ton more subscribers, and I'm guessing the problem is that the presentation needs a tiny bit tweaking. Say everything you want to say, but just say it faster OR speed it up slightly during editing.
My trauma is so complicated bc its not so much the things she said or did (although there is some bad stuff there too)... what im really having to heal from are all the things she didnt say and didnt do. And still doesnt. She treated me like an inconvenience my whole life. I learned at a very early age to stay quiet and unnoticed, because IF she was going to speak to me, 9 times out of 10, something hurtful would come out of her mouth. I was getting in trouble. When you got to the part about being embarrassed about things she said or did... i was like YES except again, its more the things she didnt do. I remember getting myself up and ready for school as early as 3rd grade. And i remember when i realized that my friends moms woke them up, made them breakfast, helped them get ready, etc... until that moment i had assumed all 7 year olds got themselves up and ready every day. We got in trouble if we woke mom up. If we missed the bus, we just didnt go to school, she would never drive us. We didnt ask. Just went back to bed bc we knew there was no point in asking. She didnt give me lunch money, or sign my school papers and would get really mad and irritated every time i asked. I remember so badly wanting my mom to just wake up with me in the morning, pour me a bowl of cereal, brush my hair, and pack me a lunch. 😔 she never did any of those things and i always wondered why my mom treated me so differently than my friends moms. Im 33 now and still struggle with it. She makes zero effort to be part of my life or my kids. She lives 10 minutes down the road and NEVVER stops by. I stopped calling her and now we dont speak except on holidays or if i have to call for something specific. She has no interest in being a grandma to my kids and seeing it all over again is opening so many wounds. Having my own kids that i love SO MUCH and wondering why or how my mom could act like she wished i didnt exist. If i needed something shed probably help me, but i dont ask. Im currently going through my 3rd miscarriage and since i found out a week ago, she hasnt called or texted to see how im doing or if i need anything. I mentioned in our family group chat about needing someone to watch the kids for my d&c surgery and she didnt even volunteer. 😢 its just so hard to live life having a mom right down the road, but shes so disconnected and emotionally unavailable, she might as well be on the other side of the country. This got really long, but it felt good to let it out. Thank you for your content. Im really hoping to heal this wound soon. Im tired of living with this "i want my mommy" feeling that I've had since childhood, when she doesnt seem capable of being that mom for me. My inner child is still hurting and wondering why couldnt she love me 😢
Your not alone ! I’ve wondered that all My life ! I grew up with My Mom like What U described. She made it obviously I was just in The Way ! I wouldn’t know what it felt like to feel a Mothers love ❤️ all I’ve ever gotten from Her was Constant Judgement! Not to mention criticism! Nothing will ever make Her Happy 😊 Just know it is not , and I repeat it is not You , it’s these Entities! They are truly Demon possessed! I can literally feel their presence when I’m near My Mom , I can see when they enter Her ! It’s Creepy ! They hate Us because We are Empaths with huge Hearts ♥️ and Souls ! GOD BLESS YOU 🙏💕
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I too became invisible to avoid my moms wrath and criticism. I often wished my mom was like other moms too. I was anxious my whole childhood and afraid to let any friends in the house in fear of her exploding at me for leaving a crumb or a toy out of place. She simply wasn’t emotionally available because of her own dysfunctional issues which she has yet to find healing for. I am now 55 and she is 80. My 3 other siblings don’t speak to her. She thinks she was a good mother and tells me she can’t understand their hostility. I try and give her truth but she is blind. I stopped looking for her validation, because I was trying to get water out of a stone. I found healing in getting to know God and reading the Bible and understanding how much He loves me. It is unfortunate the closest people can let us down. Their is many interesting Bible stories of individuals who are hated by their families. Shaneen Magji has a Narcissism in the Bible video that was helpful to me. Sometimes God uses these situations for good by raising us up for a bigger purpose, often ministering to others and accomplishing things we might not have done. I have no doubt you have developed deep empathy for others.
We have very similar Mom's and stories. Except mine covertly hurt me in a huge transitional adult growth. To get me back into her blk widows spider nest. We live 10 mins apart. She doesn't want into my life. But has used her covert ability to learn where I was. And she has no regards to her emotional, psychological, financial and other abuses. It's simply sad. I will not be her narcissistic supply especially during my healing process. She is a no contact. As she wanted after her intense increase in cruelty and me getting away. Then she went out of her way with an org that would break HIPPAH laws. To find me. Then try the superficial love bombing. To hear no. And to then silent treatment and no contact then to trying to reach me again to see me. But to not want to discuss the past at all. No thank you. I figured out she fed off of me and others and needs serious clinical help. But would never be honest and if figured out she'd leave that specialist. Yes all kids of her suffer from various psychological ails. And 1 with a degenerative disease who can be most like her especially with me. And he's no contact too. Can't fix people that refuse to introspect and analyze their own actions etc or lack thereof.
I am 58 years old and about 3 years ago through therapy for depression and anxiety and {covid didn't help). It literally dawned on me that my mother was NOT a good mother in any way shape or form. I began to look back at my childhood and remember just how lonely and isolated and unheard or cared for I really was. single mother 5 kids. childhood sexual assault, shyness, self isolating, self hate, immense fear and anxiety every day and mother was "unplugged", and just plane oblivious. Also, as a HSP (highly sensitive person} it was extremely hard to navigate life as a child and still is. I had no "tools" and so here I am all these years later still trying to figure this all out. I parent my two sons the exact opposite of the way I was parented, because geez, I don't want them to feel the way I felt. It has It has been a long road and I am still on this journey, my Mom is still alive and I have had a hard time with this as of late. My mother put a roof over my head and cooked meals but that was about it.
Felt amazing to hear it: being an extension. Everything about me was about her. I was the golden child when I made her look good, and heaven help me when (in her mind) I didn’t.
The worst thing I remember about my mom, is when I was 10 years old I wrote the world *Love* on piece of wood, she saw that, and guess what she did beat me for doing now, till now I have no idea why... I'm 32 years old now....
"Mom, I need an internship to graduate from college. Most are unpaid, but there's a paid one available where you work. Will you put in a good word for me?" "NO! I don't want you here. You'll embarrass me." (I got the job. I didn't embarrass her). "Mom, I'm getting an operation and I need a ride to the hospital. Will you please give me a ride?" "NO!!! Take a taxi!" "Mom, I need someone to look after me to make sure I'm okay the day after the operation. Can I please stay the night and you can check in on my before and after work? It would be no effort." "NO!!! Hire a nurse!" "Mom, why did you let dad lose his temper and beat the shit out of me so often?" "Better you than me!" "But you were an adult, and I was a child." "What about ME!?!? I thought he was going to kill me! And if he did that, you'd all be homeless!" "Mom, I'm miserable at my job and it's a dead end. I'm quitting and going back to school for a new career." "Why? You have a job. Why do you think you deserve something else? We're all miserable in our jobs. Why do you think you deserve any better than the rest of us?" "Mom, I'm moving out of state in a couple weeks for school and need a place to stay. Can I rent my old room from you until I leave? I know you need the money, and it will be better going to you than to a bunch of non-refundable fees." "NO!!! Rent an apartment!" (Calling mom on my birthday, playing a joke on her) "Hey mom, I got a new job in your area. I'll be relocating soon!" "Shit....your sister and I don't want you here. We don't care if you move into the area, but we don't really want to interact with you." (What, no Happy Birthday?) (Mom calls as I'm about to receive my graduate degree) "Hi honey, when's the graduation ceremony? I'd like to fly out, attend the ceremony, and stay a few days with you...." (I realized this many years later. She's only in it for the good times.) Yes, I have some mama trauma. I've been NC for a handful of years now.
I still find myself making excuses for the way my mother treats me bc I experienced the same trauma she did from my father. I always felt like she was the “safer” option.. didn’t realize until I was 28 how much her conditional love really hurts and that I’ve never been good enough. Mix that with the constant bullying about my weight and my physically abusive older brother.. it’s taken me years to figure out what was wrong with me.. turns out it was never me.. it was their influences
This is me as well, get some therapy so you can navigate this. Poor parents don't raise kids that are "whole". We as their child need to figure it out so that we don't turn around and parent that way. I wasn't whole either, but I'm working on it.
My mom had undiagnosed borderline and also her own C-PTSD... She never got help and my sisters and I were traumatized as a result. Now getting therapy and ketamine infusions to try to cope with the fallout.
I got a double whammy of abusers, my mother and my grandmother, who were so toxic to each other in spite that they lived together all their lives. And then there was me, newborn me, who according to my mother’s account of my birth during social occasions was about a supreme show of mind over pain, where her heroic efforts yielded an “ugly rat”; when the nurse had her hold me she sadly thought what an ugly thing, and it’s not even a boy. And I can recall a lifetime of put downs and criticisms and instances where she would physically abused me as a child. And I grew up gaslighted, without self-esteem, ashamed and angry, with a warped personality and no sense of self. My marriages failed, my firstborn son estranged me and I haven’t seen him in over 12 years, and even as a grown woman she would be finding all kinds of ways to inflict some guilt trip, some venom, a “mother’s sixth sense” against some decision, idea, even a person I happened to meet. She died a very long and uncomfortable way when I was 56. She was 81, and kept her sanity until the very last when she surprised me by asking me for forgiveness: “she had not been the perfect mother.” Didn’t elaborate at all, as if she was merely conforming to a formality she needed to fulfill so SHE could feel better and have no regrets at her dying time. I did forgive her, but not without having spent close to 5 years peeling into my psyche like an onion, layer after layer to identify, trace back, find, patch back and mend as much as possible every hole she tore in my soul. I’m 62 now, alone. And at peace within me. I had to manage how to rebuild some of me, and having learned to give myself some validation, I don’t feel guilty for not shedding a single tear when she passed away. But I have to remain vigilant, she creeps back into my mind once in a while; that nagging, constant blabbering, that could end up defeating me by reminding me of how I’m old, overweight, alone, and without a husband or a family I am. And that. Is not. Her fault. Thank you Dr. Sage, it’s so sad to have mommy trauma, and since my grandma had some part in my CPTSD, granny trauma too. Of course daddy trauma too, he took off when I was four, then I’d see him several times during the year and the holidays, his motto was “if I don’t like it, I get up and leave”. Applied that on everything, career, jobs, relationships, and of course, kid. Glad these people didn’t have any other kids, together or with other partners.
I can relate to all of these examples. The most uncomfortable times for me were those times when I would visit her alone in hopes of connecting but never could quite get there. I always felt uncomfortable around her & though Mom's should be that one person you should be able to confide in and receive some sort of emotional support or really turn to in tmes of need. I finally gave up and it's been 4 long years since I've even spoken to her. I really felt she shirked on her responsibilities as a Mother to me and I finally did write a letter telling her how I felt about it all. She proceeded to acuse me of being abusive which was not in any way the truth. So I went no contact and told her I would not be communicating with her again and I haven't. I have no hate for her, but I am extremely disappointed in her as a Mother. Especially during those crucial times when I needed her most. I'm content with my decision.
My mom is like that. The most painful thing she said to me. Was SO! After I told her I had a miscarriage . And that was so hurtful. My own mother didn't seem to care at all.😢 thanks for having these videos
Yep. I love my mom. But nobody infuriates me like her. I know. That’s a strong statement. I’m doing the work and getting better but I have a long way yet to go. Thankfully she’s dabbling with getting some help. It’s a start. Good vibes this way yall. Please❣️❣️❣️❣️
This was me except that I had no dad or siblings. it was either just us 2, but mostly her roommates and their kids. I basically ended up taking care of these kids at 10 years old, getting them up and ready for school because their parents were too drunk to wake up and do it themselves. I finally got to go live my grandmother after that. THANK GOODNESS!
This was the case with my mom and my relationship! Since a very young age, I felt a huge lack of maternal instincts from my mom. A prime example was the time when she left me in a hot vehicle as a young girl/toddler to go shopping at Ralph’s and the police had to explain to her that my brains could literally cook in a vehicle in the summer heat like that, because it’s at least ten degrees hotter in the vehicle. I oddly remember these bad moments, but don’t have a ton of good or normal memories, which is sad. She would tell me things a young child should never know, causing me extra fear of the world. She told me that if my dad didn’t marry her (since she was pregnant with me out of wedlock) that she “wouldn’t have had me”. Fortunately it was a shotgun wedding and I wasn’t A-worded (which doesn’t sound like a bad thing looking back). At 24 years and the lack of a healthy mother figure for my OWN mom, that’s a recipe for disaster. Add to the fact my dad was traveling out of state for work having various infidelities and when home alcoholic and oftentimes violent. I love my mom and don’t expect her to be perfect. I’m not a mom myself, and I know my mom had an abusive relationship with HER biological mom (that was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and put in a health care facility when my mom was 5). I really am too embarrassed to share what she put me through (I could write a book on the trauma my mom caused me, as I’m sure many can) which no one believes anyway because I seem to rock that “happy face” and she denies to this day, but I was always ostracized and always been the “punching bag” leading to my other siblings treating me like chopped liver at times. They were the “golden children” (they weren’t even as good as me imho). Being the eldest child, I took the brunt of the dysfunction. My dad abandoned and abused my mom, which she “conveniently” took out on me. I would cry myself to sleep at night asking God why didn’t my mom love me?! I actually screamed and yelled at her as an adult once after an argument (which she likely provoked) and told her I hated her. Oh and I actually fantasized taking my mom out at a VERY young age, around 5, by some type of lethal injection while she was sleeping. In around 2010, I was diagnosed with DID, otherwise known as dissociative identity disorder aka “multiple personality disorder”. It’s not schizophrenia, but I guess the symptoms appear to be. This is the result of early childhood trauma. For the longest time I realized I had different personalities. I guess my only consolation is my faith and relationship with Jesus.
It is such a bizarre thing to feel resentful toward your mother for NOT “snorting” you, but I can relate. Actually I can relate to the majority of what you wrote. I don’t feel that way anymore and I don’t think you will forever either (if you still do).
Yes I was left alone in the hot car in the early 2000s as a under age child. I am 27 years old now but I look back to realize that should’ve never occurred. I ended up getting out the vehicle to walk around a huge shopping plaza until a old little lady saw me wandering around. She put me in her buggy shopping cart 🛒 and I think the old lady called the cops. Then my mother comes out with my toxic grandmother. Two toxic women. These types of parents should’ve never had children tbh. I’m sick of this. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer this much pain.
I didn’t hate my mother. I hated MYSELF because she taught me I wasn’t good enough and I believed her. I never knew exactly what was wrong with me. I thought it was something everyone else could see but me. As long as she lived I wasn’t good enough. She’ll have been gone 30 years this Oct. It’s never gotten better. I clearly recall the first thought I had when she died “Now I’ll never get the chance to please her” It hasn’t gotten any better since she died. If anything,it’s worse-because I no longer have the chance to ask her WHY!? I had made a few attempts to talk to her about things while she was alive but her reaction was to get angry and turn around and walk away. She was really good at dishing out the criticism but don’t EVER blame her for ANYTHING she might’ve done or said. It would get turned back around at ME. My father was worse,actually. Then I married a man so much like my father it’s almost comical. Stayed in that marriage for 35 years because I didn’t know I didn’t deserve to be treated like 💩because I was used to being treated that way growing up. Thank God the one thing I learned from my parents was how NOT to parent. 2 of my kids are doing great in life,one-I’m afraid-carries some of my angst,but he’s doing as well as he can. He’s a hard worker but I believe he has some issues he’s never dealt with and won’t admit to. ❤️
The good love/bad love is so true.. being told I’m loved one day and the next day she’s screaming and crying that I’m the reason she wants to kill herself and hates herself because she can’t love me. And if I try to bring it up she denies it all… I don’t know how to get over my childhood.. where do I start?!
NO GOOD LOVE....EVER Even when I was doing the housework, groceries, cooking cleaning, making sure everyone had lunch, snacks, care products... Disarming her when she would go get a butcher knife and go after my father. She was a spoiled brat as a child..but the world did not worship her..my poor father...I could NEVER understand WHY he married her..he had his pick of good women and SHE was the one?!
I had this in my life times 2. My mother and stepmother mothered me similarly. Both are broken women. They are nice enough but I never was lovingly mothered. I don’t really know why and it has deeply affected me in my life. But through my faith and mothering myself as I intentionally mothered my children I healed. This video is very helpful and supportive of people searching for answers and healing.
Wow. I'm 'later in life' and only just discovering this information. I am 100% certain I was raised by a mother with undiagnosed BPD. While it's like a weight being lifted discovering this, realising that a lot of the things I've been told about myself aren't true (selfish, living in father's shadow), I also realise it's now the start of a journey where hopefully some healing can begin. Thanks for your videos.
I’ve experienced this and it’s taken a lot of work to understand my mom’s life & what she went through and how I promised I’d be better. Yet my brokenness, unhealed areas broke my baby. She’s struggled so much at my hands. And I was so blindly ignorant! 😩 I failed her on so many levels! She’s a young woman who has so much trauma and resentment cause of my poor parenting. I want to be better. Hugs to us women who are victims ourselves that end up hurting the very loved ones we never intended to. Thank you for your content!🙏
You just described my mom to a T. The words I would use to describe the relationship are tense, controlling, manipulative, yo-yo. I definitely experienced conditional love both growing up and now as an adult. She loves me when I meet her objectives and make her look good, but then I'm on her bad list if I don't follow suit with her. I resonated with all of the points you shared. I've been subscribed to your channel for about 2 months and it is so helpful. From the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤
Thank you for this. I have only told my boyfriend that I feel like I hated my mother because I'm afraid to say it to my close friends. And it's like you said, she wasn't always bad, but I would describe it to him as maybe 3 days a week she's good and the other 4 days I'm just trying to leave the house to avoid her. She feels that I don't tell her things, that I'm never telling her where I am (i just go out on the weekends to friends' houses or restaurants lol), I'm disrespectful, never make her happy, etc. and even the times I've apologized to her, she would never accept the apology and would act like I was manipulating her. This past year she has began to twist things and lie about events that have happened and it drives me crazy that I can't "fix" her because she is unreasonable and victimizes herself constantly. Sometimes I feel bad because I could be a better daughter, however I literally have never had the mental capacity or desire to try to fix our relationship. I'm just happier when I'm not around her. I have little attachment to my parents.
This is completely me. My childhood and teens especially but obviously my whole life has been so difficult for me with my mom. I didnt know she was a mental patient until like 6 years ago when she had a crisis. It's very difficult to get to know oneself all over again but it helps when there is a name to what you have gone through and what you are going through so now one can take steps to heal and understand and be better. Thank you.
My mother was a drug addict. I had an alcoholic father who would beat her viciously in front of us. With him doing that I became my mothers ally. She would get me to lie for her when she would sneak drugs behind my dad's back. She would tell people my secrets when she thought it would cause a fight between me and my dad. I was the golden child out of it all..my autistic brother became the scapegoat. She would brag about my accomplishments to everyone at every chance she got, she would gaslight me in the abuse I saw and her reactions to my emotional needs. She would minimize my trauma like I was a crybaby. Anytime i criticized her she would lash out in a rage. She would manipulate my father to abusing me in his own way as punishment. She always had a victim mentality. I jad ro be her emotional support and be the father to my autistic brother. I didn't get a childhood. I had to watch my mother be raped in front of me when I was 12 because she was so drunk after my dad left that she didn't care what happened. I became my brothers caregiver for the years my dad was gone. She would put me in dangerous situations and had me lie about it. She would manipulate me with her poor health she caused herself with her drugs. I'm sickened by how much I've protected her, how messed up my perception was what I thought was normal. It's disgusting idk what else to say
I wonder what category a histrionic malignant narcissist mother would be categorized. There weren't ever any kind or loving times or days. It was chaotic and violent and everyone was always the enemy. I'm 29 years no contact and life is completely opposite of childhood thank goodness.
Thank you for this video. You described the relationship I have with my mother perfectly. I deeply love her but at the same time I’m angry and resent her. I keep spending time with her because sometimes she is the mom I want her to be, loving and thoughtful. Most of the time when I see her I come away angry and disappointed because I have felt ignored or ridiculed or unseen by her. I thought it was just me, it’s a relief to hear it may be down to her too. I’m always the one out of me and my brothers who is there for her whenever things are bad and I’m the one she always turns to when she has problems but it’s rarely reciprocated, my problems are just dismissed so I just don’t tell her anything anymore. When times are good for her my help is always forgotten and it’s all about my brothers. Often I wonder which of us is the parent in the relationship. But when things are good she’s the best mom in the world and I cling to that. But I often feel I’m invisible to her.
I can honestly say that at the age of 48, I hate my mother. Do you know how good it feels to type that here? Liberating. Thank you! And how she treats my step dad is beyond deplorable. He fell last year. Was in the hospital for a few days and was told to use a walker when he walks, even around the house. While my sister and "woman who birthed me" were picking him up to bring him back to the house, I went through the entire house and removed all these f'g rugs and s**t she has strewn everywhere so that he could easily maneuver about upon his return. She nearly had a fit. No, actually, she did have a fit. And put everything back. My step dad is 86. He survived prostate cancer, and all the hell associated with that. He is slow. His body is in pain. He can hardly move. For him? Those f*****g rugs are a no brainer to get rid of so he doesn't trip. I wonder how she weighs it out in her mind. She needs him for the extra money he brings into the house so she can continue to live in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to... but she has long ago devalued and discarded him, emasculating him to the point that the treatment for prostate cancer...? Is to inject estrogen into the body, which fights the cancer causing elements within the body. God has a crazy sense of humour. The b***h has created and manifested her own Hell. I truly hope she is suffering deeply inside. Because she is one ugly, hateful bitterella. Oh dear God, that felt good. 😌
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I did, too. Still am. Just wanted you to know that your post is helping me a lot right now, cause, you know, we tend to doubt our inner voice. Thank you and so much love 💕
I don't hate my mom, but rather, I feel bad for her...the more I grow up tho, the more I see how she's brought things on herself...She always wants me to be more available, and I want to oblige, but inevitably, it stops being enough and she expresses anger that it isn't more...that keeps me putting her at arms length, which then makes me feel like I AM neglecting her. I've managed to strike a balance for about 20-30 years, but things went sideways again this holiday. I'm having trouble now b/c she is getting old. she knows it and I know it...I want to be more present in her twilight years, but by the time I work myself up to it, she bloes it by making a digging remark or asking for more than I can give. I try to explain but she lacks self awareness, and I'm sure she takes it as punnishment or invalidation, or neglect. Her mother was domineering, too. My mom has many of the same symptoms of attachment disorders, emotional problems, and such as I do, but she is more narcissistic while I am more empathetic and internalizing. It is TOUGH,...I just hope somehow I can find a way to do things right for both if us at the end of it all.
Thank you once again, Dr. Kim. This information is SO helpful. I used to think that because my mother didn't lock me in a closet and refuse to feed me that I was not experiencing abuse. It wasn't until I had my own children that the scales fell from my eyes. My mom did insane things like sell my car while I was out of town, cut off my long hair when I thought she was going to give it a trim, and even kill a "dog that was sick and suffering." She was verbally abusive, emotionally neglectful and abusive, very manipulative, and emotionally disregulated - prone to fits of rage, including going overboard with physical punishment. I've had anxiety and panic attacks all my life, as well as tumors, an immune deficiency disease similar to the Boy in the Bubble (his was SCID - mine is CVID) and a list of other health challenges.
One of the most difficult dynamics is that of longstanding, perennial love-hate feelings. As you mentioned, the love is sullied and can never be enjoyed for long, even if the child wishes it could be. Grief after passing can be deeply painful.
this is so incredibly helpful. it's really bringing awareness and clarity into what's been going on most of my life. often it's been really confusing because it's often been this up and down rollercoaster of affectionate moments of connection with my mum, intermixed with moments feeling like absolute lack of empathy and very unpleasant condescending vibes from her. it's this up and down thing that's really messed with me, where every time things are good, i open my heart again, to only be stinged again when i least expect it. this channel is really helping me see the bigger picture and take more positive steps, put boundaries in place. thank you so much for this channel ❤️
Sorry for this, I'll share a tiny story. Sometimes people say that 4 year olds aren't aware of the world but I knew something was wrong since I was a kid. I remember noticing how mom's seem to be happy to see their kids but mine never was. I started investigating mom's behaviour askung random mom "Is that your kid? Why do u hug him? Why are u happy to see them?" One day after I finished my investigation I screamed to my mom "You're not my mom, you stole me from someone" and everyone started laughing, but I continued. You're not my mom cause real mom's dont beat their kids, they feed their kids, they hug them, they don't scream horrible things, neither hit them until they can't hold their pain. (I was so hurt, crying and screaming asking for my mom) Tell me where's my mom, I need to find her and tell her all the things you've done to me. Where is she I need to talk to her. (I genuenily thought I had a real mom) but all she did was laugh and ask the family, is she stolen? No- they said. Who's her mom? You.. Does she have another mom like she says? And my uncle said no, Im sorry to tell you this but there's no other mom, she's your mom. You just have to learn how to handle her and you'll be happy. ( I was 4) if u want another mom we can call child servixes and they will take u away, but you will never see us again. (I was afraid, so I just admit it) that night I got beaten so bad that I broke my favorite pencil holding my pain inside.
My mother’s father was an alcoholic. He beat on both my grandmother and mom. ‘Nuf said. Consequently she and I butted heads almost all our lives. In the end I was her caregiver, she had Dementia and before she died we did have positive closure… it was all good. That being said, though, she was heavy handed with us kids…me especially, and I was definitely traumatized. If it wasn’t for my father I would have never survived, emotionally, albeit with scars. I do have good memories of her and even miss her when I think of the happier times.
You definitely have Momma Trauma if the thought of caring for her in her old age is so daunting that a part of you would rather die than to deal with her. For us, it's one of the ways we found out that we have & are part of a Dissociative System...
It has been very difficult to watch your videos because my mom has BPD. It hurts and I try my best to build that wall and leave it all of these years. My mother has had more trauma in her than anyone I have ever known. I just wish she would get help. Some of my early memories are staying up to make sure she was okay after she would tell us all she would kill herself. She was overprotective and we weren't allowed to go anywhere or have friends basically. I developed intense social anxiety. I am grown and have my own children now. I spend so much time in anxious states and stressing out because I don't ever want to be like her. I have been in therapy since I was 14.
I love my mom...but I feared her...but I knew how to manipulate her to get her to go home/church. She would act like a "Karen" when the situation called for it (and she is right, occasionally it does, but she fell into using it for everything. My mom was complicated. And she had a nervous breakdown before I existed. Apparently she was a different mother to my older sister and older brother. But my siblings think I was the closest to her. She was not a maternal woman, detested whining. I have said that I hated her but I had a lot of counseling and therapy. My dad once told me that she wasn't coming to visit me that day...in the hospital...because it was a serious issue that has nothing to do with her. I have taken that advice and run with it.
I have BPD. My kids say I was a a good Mom, with bad moments. My mother was a Narcissist, which gave me CPTSD, along with BPD. One of my children has serious auto-immune diseases, which I attribute to my BPD parenting. Not easy Thankfully, my grown kids and I havea good relationship. That happened because I left when they were 11 and 14, relieving the pressure at home. They, and my husband, made a better life, with me gone. I had joint custody, so became the weekend parent. Not perfect, but, because I put space between us, by leaving, I was able to build a healthy relationship with my kids, and, now, grandkids. I still live alone, without a relationship, as that is best.
In terms of the 'ideal' child.... when I was achieving or being good, my mother would actively discredit me and make me look bad to other family members or the outside world. It was like I was her competition for love. How do you see this dynamic?
I developed Bpd through having a Bpd parent and a NPD/ASPD parent . As a person healing in therapy and being honest/vulnerable/accountable i have changed my life in a positive way & therefore i cannot connect to these parents and the toxic environment they create and the people they triangulate around me. I see i didnt deserve all that happened and im glad im getting help!
It seems we are all a little narcissistic. Can't say love or affection seems so uncomfortable for mom, she grew up in an era were her mother couldn't say or give affection..
My boyfriend’s mom is VERY available and he keeps involving her in things that we can be doing on our own, he hasn’t had many relationships and I’m currently pregnant. They built their dynamic/ relationship while they were both single, so some parts of the role that belongs to a partner is given to each other. She deeply relies on him for opinions and approval, and I don’t feel like it’s the 2 of us… help please
I used to say "When things were good, they were really good!" I didn't realize that's what abuse or trauma victims say. I love my mother, I understand that she is a damaged individual from her parents but I can't take it anymore. I can't keep letting her stab and cut at me just because I love her. I will always love my mother, and I want her to be better and feel better. But I can't be her emotional punching bag anymore. I can't be her shoulder to cry on when I've never felt the same from her.
This was mh upbringing anv still our relationship til yhis day and im 29. She has always loved me but not UNCONDITIONAL love, she's always loved me on CONDITIONS and it has given me B vluster, C-PTSD, major depressive disorde, generalised anxiety disorder and OCD 😢😢
I know you'll probably never see this. I wish you could hear me say is how about a video for parents who honestly did the absolute best that they knew how to do and their children ( I'm talking adult children as well as younger children have and continue to traumatized their very loving well intentioned parents. For example children adult and otherwise who constantly threaten self harm and or suicide. Do you think that is not traumatizing? How child to parent abuse? That's traumatizing. How about when your child marry and the parent now has to walk on egg shells for fear of passing the spouse off and now the parent has to pay usually in the form of being ostracized? Or how about when the child tells the parent over and over what a horrible parent they were or when the child blames the parent for everything wrong in their life. Or how about when the child chooses to side with one patent and abandon the other. Or how about when the child is a narcissist or on a power trip and decides since you don't agree with everything they do your not allowed to see the grandchildren for however long they decide. How about when the child blocks the parents phone calls or when the child allows their spouse to treat the parent like shit or when the child cuts the parent off instead of having an adult conversation and coming g to a mutual resolution? How about when the adult child constantly brings up any perceived imperfection that they feel the parent has. It's not easy to be a parent. A lot not all are doing the best they can at that moment. Of course many could do much better. But I for one feel that it causes damage to over and over tell a parent that the sick and then cut the parent off. And again there are situations where parents have sexually abused their children or other horrible situations where it is best to stay away from the parent. My point is is that children can definitely cause harm and trauma to parents and parents are expected to just take it because if they don't they won't see their grandchildren for months or years or maybe ever. And that is a trauma that cuts to the core
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. do you have any book recommendations for women who grew up in unstable households and are now mothers themselves? I want to better myself and really don’t know what normal is. The word consistency I think I overthink but I’m scratching my head. Consistency in what? Emotion? Everything? Schedule / routine? Any help with that I would greatly appreciate thank you again 🙏🏻
I craved my mother’s love so much and she knew it. The rare times she used the word love was just a manipulation. So for so many years before all my help I thought “LOVE “ was just another four letter word.😢
That you I'm enjoying these. Finding out how my BPD and what effect that has on my kids. If I can learn to be quiet in my pain. I might be able to lesser the effects on my daughter before I do long term damage I have learned to keep my mouth shut
My Mom was divorced and I was more like her Mom and she was the teenager. She was strict with me at times....alot of mixed messages. She was angry at me frequently for what? I couldn't even tell you. She has passed away over 8yrs ago and I was fiercely protective of her when she was entrusted in others care. I still feel mixed in my emotions.
Why does this hurt so much. I already knew most of these, since I experience it every day I should be aware. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this / work through this?
how mama trauma is different from bpd in scenario when someone apart from being sensitive as a kid had difficult relationship with their mother? am I correct to think that mama trauma can develop into or be stop to developing into one suffering bpd possibly with ptsd. I feel like a lot of characteristic features are overlapping from mama trauma and bpd. can someone explain or care to comment, please I just need to make sure that I understand it correctly.
My father was the abuser of me, and only me. The rest of my family was enabling him to do it. After he passed away, it turned out that my mother and my sister both had narcissistic traits. They were just overshadowed by my dad full blown psychopath. Now, I would like to find out if I am trauma bonded to my mother. I can't find videos talking about similar situations.
My mother had me at barely 18 years old. My father had nothing to do with me. I was raised by the most wonderful grandmother on earth. I can honestly say that I wish my mother had aborted me like she had attempted to do. Her life would have been so much better without me.
My mother never liked any guys I was serious about, in fact she liked the ones that wernt good for me. I think she knew they wouldnt last. I as so in need of her approval, dont know why, I always felt I needed her. Its weird but I think she did a # on me. I am 62 years old and stayed single.
I am a 59 year old GWM. I have only know figured out that my mother is a narcissist. I do feel sorry for her growing up with extremely racist parents. I am guessing that her mother was also a narcissist. I also feel sorry for my two older sisters since I see now that she has never shown them any love and when they did something good no pride was shown. I see that she has wanted me to ever be is to be an ignorant little boy that praises her and worships the ground that she walks on and can not do anything on my own without her assistance or having her do things for me. The only love that I have ever felt from her is a superficial love based on her being praised. If not then I should feel guilty or ashamed for doing something wrong.
My mother is super perfectionist. She always regards me as difficult & always rebel against her even at age 50🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. She treats her employees better than me coz they help her make money. Any suggestion or recommendation out of me she’d completely ignore yet, in time of need i’m always the one she turns to. All through my school years particularly middle school onwards, she kept telling that i was fat and need to lose weight to the point of landing me in hospital with acute gastritis. So many times i’m confused her behavior towards me as a typical Asian mother or she got her own unidentified issues. If i were to compare her to her own mother, they’re like night & day. Finally at some point (when i turned 35), i stopped taking her words into heart & simply accept her as is. She will not change her ways as she never considers herself “mean”. Sometimes i’d tell her that her way is not working and she took it as i’m blaming her. I just let her be and simply give her occasional reminder of her not working way.
OCPD mothers are nearly as antagonistic as narcissists. They're concerned with you obeying the "rules", and not their superiority, but the effect is the same.
hi. lost. i wasnt the best parwnt...mental health issues, my own trauma, we always struggled and were on our own. i know this, admit this,have been doing work for YEARS to fix myself and am open to therapy together, etc... so that said...how do i go about qhen my grown daughter lies, manipulates, gaslights and uses past to control/hurt or hurt me and/or to escape her own issues and/or actually begin to work for a better relationship
sounds to me that there is not much that you can do. You can't control other people's responses, and also I can't tell anyone else how they should see things and what they should or should not do. We are all entitled to have our own truth about our own pain and situation and deal with things how we want. What could be a solution is giving each other some space, taking distance and each of you starts building a life of their own. Maybe cut off contact for a while or at least limit it. Best of luck with it.
I have been my mother's mother since I was a child. I feel like I've looked after her my entire life.
I have so much empathy for how much she struggles and what she went through as a child, but as a result she has ruined my whole life. And still does!!!!!! Im all she has now and I have so much guilt but right now I am removing myself from our relationship. Nothing I do is ever enough and she manipulates every situation so that I HAVE to be there for her. I've had enough! I am in so much pain.
There is “real” love out there for you - trust your impulses towards health and life and love…good luck!!
I’m experiencing something similar. I hope you find freedom with your choice.
I'm going thru the same I cut her off best thing I have ever done for myself now working on finding myself again without her voices in my head 💔
I’ve mastered my mind (more and more each day) and I post material that may help you if you guys are on the same path 🙏🏽❤️
She is an adult and responsible for her own life. It is okay to set boundaries. You are not responsible for her happiness. I only began to believe this when I said this out loud to my mother. I only learned to say no in my 40's and told herI am not responsible in my 50's. I wish I did it sooner. If you can, let go of guilt. You can go it on your own. Start giving to yourself and caring for yourself first. Set strong boundaries to protect yourself from her control and negativity. I send you my support. You are saying you have had enough so I know you are on your way. Best Wishes to You !!
Yes, several parents may struggle and have been abused themselves but that still doesnt give them a free ride for abusing others
Right. They could seek help (more than once). Like we have had to!
Why did they even have children I wonder? I do not have children because I was so wounded that I do not trust myself to not repeat the same mistakes.
Nobody said it did. You do not own the only seat in the trauma bus nor is your experience the penultimate abuse. You can be interested in healing or staying a victim, you don't get to do both. Part of healing is seeing your mother for what she is... a flawed hurting person who hurts people and may not ever be in a position to do better. In some ways its easier to have a "villain" as a parent, its a hell of alot harder to humanize a person who hurt you and abdicated their responsibility to you without any actual malice. Refusing to understand lets you stay righteous and angry and ultimately stuck. Its not easy to accept that your parent isn't a bad person but did bad things to you anyway and may have been a good person to others.
it's never a "free ride", it's a struggle
Exactly and I’m getting tired of it
8 signs of mama trauma
1. You would describe your relationship with mother or mother as difficult rocky crazy for the most part
2. You have deep sense of not being good enough youre probably a perfectionist told you were bad etc
3 her love hurts
4. You may have cptsd or ptsd
5. Physical mental health issues
6. You are embarrassed to tell what she did to you or uncomfortable , you lack boundaries
7. You never feel seen or heard , they treat you as an extention of them doesnt accept your true self
8. You have love hate relationship with them , you feel or have said you hate them as an older teen or adult
😢
My mom have them all my turn to heal
You inspired me to write this poem just now about my parents:
Never seen for the truth of me 👀
Never heard correctly 👂
Never known for who I am 🧠
Never, ever understood by them... 💔
Invisible, voiceless , disregarded and misunderstood... 🗑
That’s how I feel when I’m near my family 👨👩👧👦
also controlled and condemned
Shameful, not good enough
it’s just Conditional love
And its never enough to be happy 😫
Good behavior might earn me
some sort of reward ⭐️
I may gain some of their acceptability 👍🏻
But Approval is contingent
upon if I obey 🙇♀️
Mom & Dad 👫
I needed your love, 💜
but not in this way
Wish change for today 🙏🏻
I won’t hold my breath 🌬
Because that would mean death ☠️
My sense of self worth
my value, self love 💗
It all got taken from me
In my childhood 😾
I feel I might go crazy 👹
Oh wait, I already did 🤦🏼♀️
Thank you so much Sarah, for sharing this beautiful, and heartbreaking poem. I know there are so many others who feel this way too, and I am truly sorry this has been your experience. You never deserved it, and you deserve love, healing and support. You are not invisible here - or misunderstood or voiceless. I hope you know your thoughts, voice and story matter💕🙏🏻🙏🏻
love you! what a beautiful poem. I can relate 100 percent. And you know what even though it feels llike we are the crazy ones, we arent. we know enough to know this is wrong. we know enough to find videos like this to try to make sense of what is senseless. I am with you sister and you are not alone. I pray all souls on earth no matter the trauma heal in love and light. thank you much for sharing your poem. YOU MATTER and YOU ARE SEEN. ❤
@@Prettygirlsmoveon What a beautifully supportive response - thank you so much.💕🙏🏻.
@@DrKimSage awwwww ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 thanks Kim! 💕💕💕💕💕 that’s such a kind thing to say 🥰 you are so nice.
Sarah... 🥺😭😭💖💖💖💖 This is painfully beautiful
I've just found this channel after months of watching everything I could find about mothers with BPD and Narcissism, and not a single one of them really gets it like you do in these videos. The final sign you mentioned hit especially hard--it is so difficult to ever share with anyone that yes, I do truly hate my mother, without getting so much pushback and judgment. No one who had a good enough mother figure can ever understand how much damage a mother like this can do, and the abuse stays with you long after she's out of your life, so you struggle to maintain healthy relationships for years or decades because of the malware she installed in your nervous system. I'm so grateful that you are creating this content.
I’m so sorry Danielle , I feel Your pain tremendously! And U are so right . I had both My Parents as Narcissistic Sociopaths only finding out 2 years ago ! These entities are Demon possessed! GOD BLESS YOU 💕🙏
I have BPD, CPTSD and OCD because my mother was and is unreliable and selfish.
I'm working really hard on not letting my BPD get in the way of my relationship with my children. I don't at all judge you for saying you hate your mother, as I really do get it.
I hope it doesn't cloud your view of those with BPD. Alot of us really are trying to break the cycle x
I absolutely hate my mother. She is the source of all of the relationship and mental health issues I have had. I do not even like looking at her face.
yep
Added to that, I would say there some issues with the presentation which are negatively affecting how fast this channel grows. The intro music omg just dump that, put me to sleep. And talk a little faster, I cranked the speed up to 2x, and I could still understand the info just fine. RUclips viewers watch a lot of videos, we do not have time for creators who take forever to say stuff. See Kati Morton's channel, and how fast she talks.
But I want to emphasize, the content info is OUTSTANDING. You should have a ton more subscribers, and I'm guessing the problem is that the presentation needs a tiny bit tweaking. Say everything you want to say, but just say it faster OR speed it up slightly during editing.
My trauma is so complicated bc its not so much the things she said or did (although there is some bad stuff there too)... what im really having to heal from are all the things she didnt say and didnt do. And still doesnt. She treated me like an inconvenience my whole life. I learned at a very early age to stay quiet and unnoticed, because IF she was going to speak to me, 9 times out of 10, something hurtful would come out of her mouth. I was getting in trouble.
When you got to the part about being embarrassed about things she said or did... i was like YES except again, its more the things she didnt do. I remember getting myself up and ready for school as early as 3rd grade. And i remember when i realized that my friends moms woke them up, made them breakfast, helped them get ready, etc... until that moment i had assumed all 7 year olds got themselves up and ready every day. We got in trouble if we woke mom up. If we missed the bus, we just didnt go to school, she would never drive us. We didnt ask. Just went back to bed bc we knew there was no point in asking. She didnt give me lunch money, or sign my school papers and would get really mad and irritated every time i asked. I remember so badly wanting my mom to just wake up with me in the morning, pour me a bowl of cereal, brush my hair, and pack me a lunch. 😔 she never did any of those things and i always wondered why my mom treated me so differently than my friends moms. Im 33 now and still struggle with it. She makes zero effort to be part of my life or my kids. She lives 10 minutes down the road and NEVVER stops by. I stopped calling her and now we dont speak except on holidays or if i have to call for something specific. She has no interest in being a grandma to my kids and seeing it all over again is opening so many wounds. Having my own kids that i love SO MUCH and wondering why or how my mom could act like she wished i didnt exist. If i needed something shed probably help me, but i dont ask. Im currently going through my 3rd miscarriage and since i found out a week ago, she hasnt called or texted to see how im doing or if i need anything. I mentioned in our family group chat about needing someone to watch the kids for my d&c surgery and she didnt even volunteer. 😢 its just so hard to live life having a mom right down the road, but shes so disconnected and emotionally unavailable, she might as well be on the other side of the country.
This got really long, but it felt good to let it out. Thank you for your content. Im really hoping to heal this wound soon. Im tired of living with this "i want my mommy" feeling that I've had since childhood, when she doesnt seem capable of being that mom for me. My inner child is still hurting and wondering why couldnt she love me 😢
Your not alone ! I’ve wondered that all My life ! I grew up with My Mom like What U described. She made it obviously I was just in The Way ! I wouldn’t know what it felt like to feel a Mothers love ❤️ all I’ve ever gotten from Her was Constant Judgement! Not to mention criticism! Nothing will ever make Her Happy 😊 Just know it is not , and I repeat it is not You , it’s these Entities! They are truly Demon possessed! I can literally feel their presence when I’m near My Mom , I can see when they enter Her ! It’s Creepy ! They hate Us because We are Empaths with huge Hearts ♥️ and Souls ! GOD BLESS YOU 🙏💕
The withholding is painful. I understand, whew!
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I too became invisible to avoid my moms wrath and criticism. I often wished my mom was like other moms too. I was anxious my whole childhood and afraid to let any friends in the house in fear of her exploding at me for leaving a crumb or a toy out of place. She simply wasn’t emotionally available because of her own dysfunctional issues which she has yet to find healing for. I am now 55 and she is 80. My 3 other siblings don’t speak to her. She thinks she was a good mother and tells me she can’t understand their hostility. I try and give her truth but she is blind. I stopped looking for her validation, because I was trying to get water out of a stone. I found healing in getting to know God and reading the Bible and understanding how much He loves me. It is unfortunate the closest people can let us down. Their is many interesting Bible stories of individuals who are hated by their families. Shaneen Magji has a Narcissism in the Bible video that was helpful to me. Sometimes God uses these situations for good by raising us up for a bigger purpose, often ministering to others and accomplishing things we might not have done. I have no doubt you have developed deep empathy for others.
...holy shit.
We have very similar Mom's and stories. Except mine covertly hurt me in a huge transitional adult growth. To get me back into her blk widows spider nest. We live 10 mins apart. She doesn't want into my life. But has used her covert ability to learn where I was. And she has no regards to her emotional, psychological, financial and other abuses. It's simply sad. I will not be her narcissistic supply especially during my healing process. She is a no contact. As she wanted after her intense increase in cruelty and me getting away. Then she went out of her way with an org that would break HIPPAH laws. To find me. Then try the superficial love bombing. To hear no. And to then silent treatment and no contact then to trying to reach me again to see me. But to not want to discuss the past at all. No thank you. I figured out she fed off of me and others and needs serious clinical help. But would never be honest and if figured out she'd leave that specialist. Yes all kids of her suffer from various psychological ails. And 1 with a degenerative disease who can be most like her especially with me. And he's no contact too. Can't fix people that refuse to introspect and analyze their own actions etc or lack thereof.
I am 58 years old and about 3 years ago through therapy for depression and anxiety and {covid didn't help). It literally dawned on me that my mother was NOT a good mother in any way shape or form. I began to look back at my childhood and remember just how lonely and isolated and unheard or cared for I really was. single mother 5 kids. childhood sexual assault, shyness, self isolating, self hate, immense fear and anxiety every day and mother was "unplugged", and just plane oblivious. Also, as a HSP (highly sensitive person} it was extremely hard to navigate life as a child and still is. I had no "tools" and so here I am all these years later still trying to figure this all out.
I parent my two sons the exact opposite of the way I was parented, because geez, I don't want them to feel the way I felt. It has It has been a long road and I am still on this journey, my Mom is still alive and I have had a hard time with this as of late. My mother put a roof over my head and cooked meals but that was about it.
I hear you..
This is all me 😭 so happy to find that this inner feeling I've never been able to describe has a name and a diagnosis, and that it's not my fault. 🙏
It's not your fault - you are truly worthy of being seen, heard and validated:)
It doesn't matter if it was actually said it's what message did you get from your mother (or father). Non-verbal behaviors can speak volumes!!
Felt amazing to hear it: being an extension. Everything about me was about her. I was the golden child when I made her look good, and heaven help me when (in her mind) I didn’t.
The worst thing I remember about my mom, is when I was 10 years old I wrote the world *Love* on piece of wood, she saw that, and guess what she did beat me for doing now, till now I have no idea why... I'm 32 years old now....
😢😢😢
"Mom, I need an internship to graduate from college. Most are unpaid, but there's a paid one available where you work. Will you put in a good word for me?" "NO! I don't want you here. You'll embarrass me." (I got the job. I didn't embarrass her).
"Mom, I'm getting an operation and I need a ride to the hospital. Will you please give me a ride?" "NO!!! Take a taxi!"
"Mom, I need someone to look after me to make sure I'm okay the day after the operation. Can I please stay the night and you can check in on my before and after work? It would be no effort." "NO!!! Hire a nurse!"
"Mom, why did you let dad lose his temper and beat the shit out of me so often?" "Better you than me!"
"But you were an adult, and I was a child." "What about ME!?!? I thought he was going to kill me! And if he did that, you'd all be homeless!"
"Mom, I'm miserable at my job and it's a dead end. I'm quitting and going back to school for a new career." "Why? You have a job. Why do you think you deserve something else? We're all miserable in our jobs. Why do you think you deserve any better than the rest of us?"
"Mom, I'm moving out of state in a couple weeks for school and need a place to stay. Can I rent my old room from you until I leave? I know you need the money, and it will be better going to you than to a bunch of non-refundable fees." "NO!!! Rent an apartment!"
(Calling mom on my birthday, playing a joke on her) "Hey mom, I got a new job in your area. I'll be relocating soon!" "Shit....your sister and I don't want you here. We don't care if you move into the area, but we don't really want to interact with you." (What, no Happy Birthday?)
(Mom calls as I'm about to receive my graduate degree) "Hi honey, when's the graduation ceremony? I'd like to fly out, attend the ceremony, and stay a few days with you...." (I realized this many years later. She's only in it for the good times.)
Yes, I have some mama trauma. I've been NC for a handful of years now.
I still find myself making excuses for the way my mother treats me bc I experienced the same trauma she did from my father. I always felt like she was the “safer” option.. didn’t realize until I was 28 how much her conditional love really hurts and that I’ve never been good enough. Mix that with the constant bullying about my weight and my physically abusive older brother.. it’s taken me years to figure out what was wrong with me.. turns out it was never me.. it was their influences
You are so right ! I just found out through these videos what it is , and that it was never Me , but Her !
This is me as well, get some therapy so you can navigate this. Poor parents don't raise kids that are "whole". We as their child need to figure it out so that we don't turn around and parent that way. I wasn't whole either, but I'm working on it.
My mom had undiagnosed borderline and also her own C-PTSD... She never got help and my sisters and I were traumatized as a result. Now getting therapy and ketamine infusions to try to cope with the fallout.
I got a double whammy of abusers, my mother and my grandmother, who were so toxic to each other in spite that they lived together all their lives. And then there was me, newborn me, who according to my mother’s account of my birth during social occasions was about a supreme show of mind over pain, where her heroic efforts yielded an “ugly rat”; when the nurse had her hold me she sadly thought what an ugly thing, and it’s not even a boy. And I can recall a lifetime of put downs and criticisms and instances where she would physically abused me as a child. And I grew up gaslighted, without self-esteem, ashamed and angry, with a warped personality and no sense of self. My marriages failed, my firstborn son estranged me and I haven’t seen him in over 12 years, and even as a grown woman she would be finding all kinds of ways to inflict some guilt trip, some venom, a “mother’s sixth sense” against some decision, idea, even a person I happened to meet.
She died a very long and uncomfortable way when I was 56. She was 81, and kept her sanity until the very last when she surprised me by asking me for forgiveness:
“she had not been the perfect mother.” Didn’t elaborate at all, as if she was merely conforming to a formality she needed to fulfill so SHE could feel better and have no regrets at her dying time.
I did forgive her, but not without having spent close to 5 years peeling into my psyche like an onion, layer after layer to identify, trace back, find, patch back and mend as much as possible every hole she tore in my soul.
I’m 62 now, alone. And at peace within me. I had to manage how to rebuild some of me, and having learned to give myself some validation, I don’t feel guilty for not shedding a single tear when she passed away. But I have to remain vigilant, she creeps back into my mind once in a while; that nagging, constant blabbering, that could end up defeating me by reminding me of how I’m old, overweight, alone, and without a husband or a family I am. And that. Is not. Her fault.
Thank you Dr. Sage, it’s so sad to have mommy trauma, and since my grandma had some part in my CPTSD, granny trauma too.
Of course daddy trauma too, he took off when I was four, then I’d see him several times during the year and the holidays, his motto was “if I don’t like it, I get up and leave”. Applied that on everything, career, jobs, relationships, and of course, kid. Glad these people didn’t have any other kids, together or with other partners.
I can relate to all of these examples. The most uncomfortable times for me were those times when I would visit her alone in hopes of connecting but never could quite get there. I always felt uncomfortable around her & though Mom's should be that one person you should be able to confide in and receive some sort of emotional support or really turn to in tmes of need. I finally gave up and it's been 4 long years since I've even spoken to her. I really felt she shirked on her responsibilities as a Mother to me and I finally did write a letter telling her how I felt about it all. She proceeded to acuse me of being abusive which was not in any way the truth. So I went no contact and told her I would not be communicating with her again and I haven't. I have no hate for her, but I am extremely disappointed in her as a Mother. Especially during those crucial times when I needed her most. I'm content with my decision.
My mom is like that. The most painful thing she said to me. Was SO! After I told her I had a miscarriage . And that was so hurtful. My own mother didn't seem to care at all.😢 thanks for having these videos
Yep. I love my mom. But nobody infuriates me like her. I know. That’s a strong statement. I’m doing the work and getting better but I have a long way yet to go. Thankfully she’s dabbling with getting some help. It’s a start. Good vibes this way yall. Please❣️❣️❣️❣️
This was me except that I had no dad or siblings. it was either just us 2, but mostly her roommates and their kids. I basically ended up taking care of these kids at 10 years old, getting them up and ready for school because their parents were too drunk to wake up and do it themselves. I finally got to go live my grandmother after that. THANK GOODNESS!
This was the case with my mom and my relationship! Since a very young age, I felt a huge lack of maternal instincts from my mom. A prime example was the time when she left me in a hot vehicle as a young girl/toddler to go shopping at Ralph’s and the police had to explain to her that my brains could literally cook in a vehicle in the summer heat like that, because it’s at least ten degrees hotter in the vehicle. I oddly remember these bad moments, but don’t have a ton of good or normal memories, which is sad. She would tell me things a young child should never know, causing me extra fear of the world. She told me that if my dad didn’t marry her (since she was pregnant with me out of wedlock) that she “wouldn’t have had me”. Fortunately it was a shotgun wedding and I wasn’t A-worded (which doesn’t sound like a bad thing looking back). At 24 years and the lack of a healthy mother figure for my OWN mom, that’s a recipe for disaster. Add to the fact my dad was traveling out of state for work having various infidelities and when home alcoholic and oftentimes violent. I love my mom and don’t expect her to be perfect. I’m not a mom myself, and I know my mom had an abusive relationship with HER biological mom (that was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and put in a health care facility when my mom was 5). I really am too embarrassed to share what she put me through (I could write a book on the trauma my mom caused me, as I’m sure many can) which no one believes anyway because I seem to rock that “happy face” and she denies to this day, but I was always ostracized and always been the “punching bag” leading to my other siblings treating me like chopped liver at times. They were the “golden children” (they weren’t even as good as me imho). Being the eldest child, I took the brunt of the dysfunction. My dad abandoned and abused my mom, which she “conveniently” took out on me. I would cry myself to sleep at night asking God why didn’t my mom love me?! I actually screamed and yelled at her as an adult once after an argument (which she likely provoked) and told her I hated her. Oh and I actually fantasized taking my mom out at a VERY young age, around 5, by some type of lethal injection while she was sleeping. In around 2010, I was diagnosed with DID, otherwise known as dissociative identity disorder aka “multiple personality disorder”. It’s not schizophrenia, but I guess the symptoms appear to be. This is the result of early childhood trauma. For the longest time I realized I had different personalities. I guess my only consolation is my faith and relationship with Jesus.
It is such a bizarre thing to feel resentful toward your mother for NOT “snorting” you, but I can relate. Actually I can relate to the majority of what you wrote. I don’t feel that way anymore and I don’t think you will forever either (if you still do).
Hold on to JESUS he is all you need. Praying for healing for your pain in the name of JESUS AMEN
Yes I was left alone in the hot car in the early 2000s as a under age child. I am 27 years old now but I look back to realize that should’ve never occurred. I ended up getting out the vehicle to walk around a huge shopping plaza until a old little lady saw me wandering around. She put me in her buggy shopping cart 🛒 and I think the old lady called the cops. Then my mother comes out with my toxic grandmother. Two toxic women. These types of parents should’ve never had children tbh. I’m sick of this. I’m so sorry that you had to suffer this much pain.
I didn’t hate my mother. I hated MYSELF because she taught me I wasn’t good enough and I believed her. I never knew exactly what was wrong with me. I thought it was something everyone else could see but me. As long as she lived I wasn’t good enough. She’ll have been gone 30 years this Oct. It’s never gotten better. I clearly recall the first thought I had when she died “Now I’ll never get the chance to please her” It hasn’t gotten any better since she died. If anything,it’s worse-because I no longer have the chance to ask her WHY!? I had made a few attempts to talk to her about things while she was alive but her reaction was to get angry and turn around and walk away. She was really good at dishing out the criticism but don’t EVER blame her for ANYTHING she might’ve done or said. It would get turned back around at ME. My father was worse,actually. Then I married a man so much like my father it’s almost comical. Stayed in that marriage for 35 years because I didn’t know I didn’t deserve to be treated like 💩because I was used to being treated that way growing up. Thank God the one thing I learned from my parents was how NOT to parent. 2 of my kids are doing great in life,one-I’m afraid-carries some of my angst,but he’s doing as well as he can. He’s a hard worker but I believe he has some issues he’s never dealt with and won’t admit to. ❤️
The good love/bad love is so true.. being told I’m loved one day and the next day she’s screaming and crying that I’m the reason she wants to kill herself and hates herself because she can’t love me. And if I try to bring it up she denies it all… I don’t know how to get over my childhood.. where do I start?!
NO GOOD LOVE....EVER
Even when I was doing the housework, groceries, cooking cleaning, making sure everyone had lunch, snacks, care products...
Disarming her when she would go get a butcher knife and go after my father.
She was a spoiled brat as a child..but the world did not worship her..my poor father...I could NEVER understand WHY he married her..he had his pick of good women and SHE was the one?!
I had this in my life times 2. My mother and stepmother mothered me similarly. Both are broken women. They are nice enough but I never was lovingly mothered. I don’t really know why and it has deeply affected me in my life. But through my faith and mothering myself as I intentionally mothered my children I healed.
This video is very helpful and supportive of people searching for answers and healing.
Wow. I'm 'later in life' and only just discovering this information. I am 100% certain I was raised by a mother with undiagnosed BPD. While it's like a weight being lifted discovering this, realising that a lot of the things I've been told about myself aren't true (selfish, living in father's shadow), I also realise it's now the start of a journey where hopefully some healing can begin. Thanks for your videos.
Therapy has helped me tremendously, it is VERY hard to unlearn the abuse from our parents.
I’ve experienced this and it’s taken a lot of work to understand my mom’s life & what she went through and how I promised I’d be better. Yet my brokenness, unhealed areas broke my baby. She’s struggled so much at my hands. And I was so blindly ignorant! 😩
I failed her on so many levels! She’s a young woman who has so much trauma and resentment cause of my poor parenting. I want to be better.
Hugs to us women who are victims ourselves that end up hurting the very loved ones we never intended to. Thank you for your content!🙏
Thank you for talking about CPTSD! I’m waiting for this to go public!!
You just described my mom to a T.
The words I would use to describe the relationship are tense, controlling, manipulative, yo-yo. I definitely experienced conditional love both growing up and now as an adult. She loves me when I meet her objectives and make her look good, but then I'm on her bad list if I don't follow suit with her. I resonated with all of the points you shared. I've been subscribed to your channel for about 2 months and it is so helpful. From the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤
Same
Authoritarian parents are the worst.
Really? What about it boss? Or gov rules?
Thank you for this. I have only told my boyfriend that I feel like I hated my mother because I'm afraid to say it to my close friends. And it's like you said, she wasn't always bad, but I would describe it to him as maybe 3 days a week she's good and the other 4 days I'm just trying to leave the house to avoid her. She feels that I don't tell her things, that I'm never telling her where I am (i just go out on the weekends to friends' houses or restaurants lol), I'm disrespectful, never make her happy, etc. and even the times I've apologized to her, she would never accept the apology and would act like I was manipulating her. This past year she has began to twist things and lie about events that have happened and it drives me crazy that I can't "fix" her because she is unreasonable and victimizes herself constantly. Sometimes I feel bad because I could be a better daughter, however I literally have never had the mental capacity or desire to try to fix our relationship. I'm just happier when I'm not around her. I have little attachment to my parents.
This is completely me. My childhood and teens especially but obviously my whole life has been so difficult for me with my mom. I didnt know she was a mental patient until like 6 years ago when she had a crisis. It's very difficult to get to know oneself all over again but it helps when there is a name to what you have gone through and what you are going through so now one can take steps to heal and understand and be better. Thank you.
My mother was a drug addict. I had an alcoholic father who would beat her viciously in front of us. With him doing that I became my mothers ally. She would get me to lie for her when she would sneak drugs behind my dad's back. She would tell people my secrets when she thought it would cause a fight between me and my dad. I was the golden child out of it all..my autistic brother became the scapegoat. She would brag about my accomplishments to everyone at every chance she got, she would gaslight me in the abuse I saw and her reactions to my emotional needs. She would minimize my trauma like I was a crybaby. Anytime i criticized her she would lash out in a rage. She would manipulate my father to abusing me in his own way as punishment. She always had a victim mentality. I jad ro be her emotional support and be the father to my autistic brother. I didn't get a childhood. I had to watch my mother be raped in front of me when I was 12 because she was so drunk after my dad left that she didn't care what happened. I became my brothers caregiver for the years my dad was gone. She would put me in dangerous situations and had me lie about it. She would manipulate me with her poor health she caused herself with her drugs. I'm sickened by how much I've protected her, how messed up my perception was what I thought was normal. It's disgusting idk what else to say
I'm so sorry❤
I wonder what category a histrionic malignant narcissist mother would be categorized.
There weren't ever any kind or loving times or days. It was chaotic and violent and everyone was always the enemy.
I'm 29 years no contact and life is completely opposite of childhood thank goodness.
Thank you for this video. You described the relationship I have with my mother perfectly. I deeply love her but at the same time I’m angry and resent her. I keep spending time with her because sometimes she is the mom I want her to be, loving and thoughtful. Most of the time when I see her I come away angry and disappointed because I have felt ignored or ridiculed or unseen by her. I thought it was just me, it’s a relief to hear it may be down to her too. I’m always the one out of me and my brothers who is there for her whenever things are bad and I’m the one she always turns to when she has problems but it’s rarely reciprocated, my problems are just dismissed so I just don’t tell her anything anymore. When times are good for her my help is always forgotten and it’s all about my brothers. Often I wonder which of us is the parent in the relationship. But when things are good she’s the best mom in the world and I cling to that. But I often feel I’m invisible to her.
I’m learning a lot on this channel today about my childhood 😧
I can honestly say that at the age of 48, I hate my mother.
Do you know how good it feels to type that here?
Liberating.
Thank you!
And how she treats my step dad is beyond deplorable.
He fell last year. Was in the hospital for a few days and was told to use a walker when he walks, even around the house.
While my sister and "woman who birthed me" were picking him up to bring him back to the house, I went through the entire house and removed all these f'g rugs and s**t she has strewn everywhere so that he could easily maneuver about upon his return.
She nearly had a fit. No, actually, she did have a fit. And put everything back.
My step dad is 86. He survived prostate cancer, and all the hell associated with that. He is slow. His body is in pain. He can hardly move. For him? Those f*****g rugs are a no brainer to get rid of so he doesn't trip.
I wonder how she weighs it out in her mind. She needs him for the extra money he brings into the house so she can continue to live in the lifestyle she has become accustomed to... but she has long ago devalued and discarded him, emasculating him to the point that the treatment for prostate cancer...? Is to inject estrogen into the body, which fights the cancer causing elements within the body.
God has a crazy sense of humour. The b***h has created and manifested her own Hell.
I truly hope she is suffering deeply inside. Because she is one ugly, hateful bitterella.
Oh dear God, that felt good. 😌
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I did, too. Still am. Just wanted you to know that your post is helping me a lot right now, cause, you know, we tend to doubt our inner voice. Thank you and so much love 💕
@@asmichi8516 🤗🥰🤗🥰🤗
I don't hate my mom, but rather, I feel bad for her...the more I grow up tho, the more I see how she's brought things on herself...She always wants me to be more available, and I want to oblige, but inevitably, it stops being enough and she expresses anger that it isn't more...that keeps me putting her at arms length, which then makes me feel like I AM neglecting her. I've managed to strike a balance for about 20-30 years, but things went sideways again this holiday. I'm having trouble now b/c she is getting old. she knows it and I know it...I want to be more present in her twilight years, but by the time I work myself up to it, she bloes it by making a digging remark or asking for more than I can give. I try to explain but she lacks self awareness, and I'm sure she takes it as punnishment or invalidation, or neglect. Her mother was domineering, too. My mom has many of the same symptoms of attachment disorders, emotional problems, and such as I do, but she is more narcissistic while I am more empathetic and internalizing. It is TOUGH,...I just hope somehow I can find a way to do things right for both if us at the end of it all.
Thank you once again, Dr. Kim. This information is SO helpful.
I used to think that because my mother didn't lock me in a closet and refuse to feed me that I was not experiencing abuse. It wasn't until I had my own children that the scales fell from my eyes.
My mom did insane things like sell my car while I was out of town, cut off my long hair when I thought she was going to give it a trim, and even kill a "dog that was sick and suffering." She was verbally abusive, emotionally neglectful and abusive, very manipulative, and emotionally disregulated - prone to fits of rage, including going overboard with physical punishment.
I've had anxiety and panic attacks all my life, as well as tumors, an immune deficiency disease similar to the Boy in the Bubble (his was SCID - mine is CVID) and a list of other health challenges.
One of the most difficult dynamics is that of longstanding, perennial love-hate feelings. As you mentioned, the love is sullied and can never be enjoyed for long, even if the child wishes it could be. Grief after passing can be deeply painful.
I needed to hear this. But also i listened to it out loud so my fiancee can hear. He needs to understand the trauma he endures because of his mother.
Lol nice
this is so incredibly helpful. it's really bringing awareness and clarity into what's been going on most of my life. often it's been really confusing because it's often been this up and down rollercoaster of affectionate moments of connection with my mum, intermixed with moments feeling like absolute lack of empathy and very unpleasant condescending vibes from her. it's this up and down thing that's really messed with me, where every time things are good, i open my heart again, to only be stinged again when i least expect it. this channel is really helping me see the bigger picture and take more positive steps, put boundaries in place. thank you so much for this channel ❤️
Have a look at a poem called " This be the verse" by Philip Larkin.
Just looked up the poem. Thank you.
So incredibly helpful, I’m going to save this forever. I appreciate you ❤️
Sorry for this, I'll share a tiny story. Sometimes people say that 4 year olds aren't aware of the world but I knew something was wrong since I was a kid. I remember noticing how mom's seem to be happy to see their kids but mine never was. I started investigating mom's behaviour askung random mom "Is that your kid? Why do u hug him? Why are u happy to see them?" One day after I finished my investigation I screamed to my mom "You're not my mom, you stole me from someone" and everyone started laughing, but I continued. You're not my mom cause real mom's dont beat their kids, they feed their kids, they hug them, they don't scream horrible things, neither hit them until they can't hold their pain. (I was so hurt, crying and screaming asking for my mom) Tell me where's my mom, I need to find her and tell her all the things you've done to me. Where is she I need to talk to her. (I genuenily thought I had a real mom) but all she did was laugh and ask the family, is she stolen? No- they said. Who's her mom? You.. Does she have another mom like she says? And my uncle said no, Im sorry to tell you this but there's no other mom, she's your mom. You just have to learn how to handle her and you'll be happy. ( I was 4) if u want another mom we can call child servixes and they will take u away, but you will never see us again. (I was afraid, so I just admit it) that night I got beaten so bad that I broke my favorite pencil holding my pain inside.
I'm really sorry to hear that. Terrible. Can I ask how you are doing now? Are you still living with your family?
My mother’s father was an alcoholic. He beat on both my grandmother and mom. ‘Nuf said. Consequently she and I butted heads almost all our lives. In the end I was her caregiver, she had Dementia and before she died we did have positive closure… it was all good. That being said, though, she was heavy handed with us kids…me especially, and I was definitely traumatized. If it wasn’t for my father I would have never survived, emotionally, albeit with scars. I do have good memories of her and even miss her when I think of the happier times.
Of course this was learned behavior but we ALL have a choice. Poor babies.
You definitely have Momma Trauma if the thought of caring for her in her old age is so daunting that a part of you would rather die than to deal with her. For us, it's one of the ways we found out that we have & are part of a Dissociative System...
It has been very difficult to watch your videos because my mom has BPD. It hurts and I try my best to build that wall and leave it all of these years. My mother has had more trauma in her than anyone I have ever known. I just wish she would get help. Some of my early memories are staying up to make sure she was okay after she would tell us all she would kill herself. She was overprotective and we weren't allowed to go anywhere or have friends basically. I developed intense social anxiety. I am grown and have my own children now. I spend so much time in anxious states and stressing out because I don't ever want to be like her. I have been in therapy since I was 14.
Eating disorder and addiction 😪
I love my mom...but I feared her...but I knew how to manipulate her to get her to go home/church. She would act like a "Karen" when the situation called for it (and she is right, occasionally it does, but she fell into using it for everything. My mom was complicated. And she had a nervous breakdown before I existed. Apparently she was a different mother to my older sister and older brother. But my siblings think I was the closest to her. She was not a maternal woman, detested whining. I have said that I hated her but I had a lot of counseling and therapy. My dad once told me that she wasn't coming to visit me that day...in the hospital...because it was a serious issue that has nothing to do with her. I have taken that advice and run with it.
I have BPD. My kids say I was a a good Mom, with bad moments. My mother was a Narcissist, which gave me CPTSD, along with BPD. One of my children has serious auto-immune diseases, which I attribute to my BPD parenting. Not easy Thankfully, my grown kids and I havea good relationship. That happened because I left when they were 11 and 14, relieving the pressure at home. They, and my husband, made a better life, with me gone. I had joint custody, so became the weekend parent. Not perfect, but, because I put space between us, by leaving, I was able to build a healthy relationship with my kids, and, now, grandkids. I still live alone, without a relationship, as that is best.
The best gift you can them is to leave them alone and get yourself a dog.
In terms of the 'ideal' child.... when I was achieving or being good, my mother would actively discredit me and make me look bad to other family members or the outside world. It was like I was her competition for love. How do you see this dynamic?
Amen to all of this. Mama trauma victim right here 👋
All of these apply to me, but I figured they would before watching the video.
I developed Bpd through having a Bpd parent and a NPD/ASPD parent . As a person healing in therapy and being honest/vulnerable/accountable i have changed my life in a positive way & therefore i cannot connect to these parents and the toxic environment they create and the people they triangulate around me. I see i didnt deserve all that happened and im glad im getting help!
It seems we are all a little narcissistic. Can't say love or affection seems so uncomfortable for mom, she grew up in an era were her mother couldn't say or give affection..
Yes, all this is true for me. I am very surprised I survived my childhood.
My mom is a very positive motivational person, my dad broke me down.
My boyfriend’s mom is VERY available and he keeps involving her in things that we can be doing on our own, he hasn’t had many relationships and I’m currently pregnant. They built their dynamic/ relationship while they were both single, so some parts of the role that belongs to a partner is given to each other.
She deeply relies on him for opinions and approval, and I don’t feel like it’s the 2 of us… help please
I used to say "When things were good, they were really good!" I didn't realize that's what abuse or trauma victims say. I love my mother, I understand that she is a damaged individual from her parents but I can't take it anymore. I can't keep letting her stab and cut at me just because I love her. I will always love my mother, and I want her to be better and feel better. But I can't be her emotional punching bag anymore. I can't be her shoulder to cry on when I've never felt the same from her.
This was mh upbringing anv still our relationship til yhis day and im 29.
She has always loved me but not UNCONDITIONAL love, she's always loved me on CONDITIONS and it has given me B vluster, C-PTSD, major depressive disorde, generalised anxiety disorder and OCD 😢😢
Perfectly accurate
I know you'll probably never see this. I wish you could hear me say is how about a video for parents who honestly did the absolute best that they knew how to do and their children ( I'm talking adult children as well as younger children have and continue to traumatized their very loving well intentioned parents. For example children adult and otherwise who constantly threaten self harm and or suicide. Do you think that is not traumatizing? How child to parent abuse? That's traumatizing. How about when your child marry and the parent now has to walk on egg shells for fear of passing the spouse off and now the parent has to pay usually in the form of being ostracized? Or how about when the child tells the parent over and over what a horrible parent they were or when the child blames the parent for everything wrong in their life. Or how about when the child chooses to side with one patent and abandon the other. Or how about when the child is a narcissist or on a power trip and decides since you don't agree with everything they do your not allowed to see the grandchildren for however long they decide. How about when the child blocks the parents phone calls or when the child allows their spouse to treat the parent like shit or when the child cuts the parent off instead of having an adult conversation and coming g to a mutual resolution? How about when the adult child constantly brings up any perceived imperfection that they feel the parent has. It's not easy to be a parent. A lot not all are doing the best they can at that moment. Of course many could do much better. But I for one feel that it causes damage to over and over tell a parent that the sick and then cut the parent off. And again there are situations where parents have sexually abused their children or other horrible situations where it is best to stay away from the parent. My point is is that children can definitely cause harm and trauma to parents and parents are expected to just take it because if they don't they won't see their grandchildren for months or years or maybe ever. And that is a trauma that cuts to the core
Y finalmente viene alguien y lo explica! Gracias!!
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video. do you have any book recommendations for women who grew up in unstable households and are now mothers themselves? I want to better myself and really don’t know what normal is. The word consistency I think I overthink but I’m scratching my head. Consistency in what? Emotion? Everything? Schedule / routine? Any help with that I would greatly appreciate thank you again 🙏🏻
I craved my mother’s love so much and she knew it. The rare times she used the word love was just a manipulation. So for so many years before all my help I thought “LOVE “ was just another four letter word.😢
All the damn signs matched!!!!!!
That you I'm enjoying these. Finding out how my BPD and what effect that has on my kids. If I can learn to be quiet in my pain. I might be able to lesser the effects on my daughter before I do long term damage I have learned to keep my mouth shut
My Mom was divorced and I was more like her Mom and she was the teenager. She was strict with me at times....alot of mixed messages. She was angry at me frequently for what? I couldn't even tell you. She has passed away over 8yrs ago and I was fiercely protective of her when she was entrusted in others care. I still feel mixed in my emotions.
Resonates so much with me.
Why does this hurt so much. I already knew most of these, since I experience it every day I should be aware. Do you have any advice on how to overcome this / work through this?
How soon can a trauma bonded form? Can it happen in a matter of months?
Love this education, thank you 💕
Ouch haha the cringe embarrassment was such a relatable point
how mama trauma is different from bpd in scenario when someone apart from being sensitive as a kid had difficult relationship with their mother? am I correct to think that mama trauma can develop into or be stop to developing into one suffering bpd possibly with ptsd. I feel like a lot of characteristic features are overlapping from mama trauma and bpd. can someone explain or care to comment, please I just need to make sure that I understand it correctly.
I have trauma I felt that I want to save my mom to make her happy because she was so borderline negative victimhood mentality my dad covert narcissist
My father was the abuser of me, and only me. The rest of my family was enabling him to do it. After he passed away, it turned out that my mother and my sister both had narcissistic traits. They were just overshadowed by my dad full blown psychopath. Now, I would like to find out if I am trauma bonded to my mother. I can't find videos talking about similar situations.
My mother had me at barely 18 years old. My father had nothing to do with me. I was raised by the most wonderful grandmother on earth. I can honestly say that I wish my mother had aborted me like she had attempted to do. Her life would have been so much better without me.
I'm glad she didn't, because I'm glad you're in the world. ❤
“Uncomfortableness” isn’t a word. It’s “discomfort”.
Yes it is. Google it. SMH.
Keep it up
Ty
I’ve mastered my mind (more and more each day) and I post material that may help you if you guys are on the same path 🙏🏽❤️
My mother never liked any guys I was serious about, in fact she liked the ones that wernt good for me. I think she knew they wouldnt last. I as so in need of her approval, dont know why, I always felt I needed her. Its weird but I think she did a # on me. I am 62 years old and stayed single.
I wish you or someone like you were available for me to talk to.
It was safer on the drilling rigs with my dad then it was at home as a kid
I am a 59 year old GWM. I have only know figured out that my mother is a narcissist. I do feel sorry for her growing up with extremely racist parents. I am guessing that her mother was also a narcissist. I also feel sorry for my two older sisters since I see now that she has never shown them any love and when they did something good no pride was shown. I see that she has wanted me to ever be is to be an ignorant little boy that praises her and worships the ground that she walks on and can not do anything on my own without her assistance or having her do things for me. The only love that I have ever felt from her is a superficial love based on her being praised. If not then I should feel guilty or ashamed for doing something wrong.
Interesting. You have described my borderline ex husband
I have all 8 and more...
I’m wondering why you keep appearing on my RUclips page
I don’t have PTSD so I’m obviously not looking at videos for ptsd.
Weird
How does autoimmune relate to this?
My mother is super perfectionist. She always regards me as difficult & always rebel against her even at age 50🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. She treats her employees better than me coz they help her make money. Any suggestion or recommendation out of me she’d completely ignore yet, in time of need i’m always the one she turns to. All through my school years particularly middle school onwards, she kept telling that i was fat and need to lose weight to the point of landing me in hospital with acute gastritis. So many times i’m confused her behavior towards me as a typical Asian mother or she got her own unidentified issues. If i were to compare her to her own mother, they’re like night & day. Finally at some point (when i turned 35), i stopped taking her words into heart & simply accept her as is. She will not change her ways as she never considers herself “mean”. Sometimes i’d tell her that her way is not working and she took it as i’m blaming her. I just let her be and simply give her occasional reminder of her not working way.
OCPD mothers are nearly as antagonistic as narcissists. They're concerned with you obeying the "rules", and not their superiority, but the effect is the same.
Rules? What about schools and gov? Why don't u complain about those?
@@SuperLuckao go away.
😢
7 for 7
💋🍵🍦
She is definitely crazy 🤪 mmy. Mommy 👩
i heard of trauma bonding and my first thought was literally my parents...............
Yep! I've 100% mama trauma.
hi. lost. i wasnt the best parwnt...mental health issues, my own trauma, we always struggled and were on our own. i know this, admit this,have been doing work for YEARS to fix myself and am open to therapy together, etc...
so that said...how do i go about qhen my grown daughter lies, manipulates, gaslights and uses past to control/hurt or hurt me and/or to escape her own issues and/or actually begin to work for a better relationship
sounds to me that there is not much that you can do. You can't control other people's responses, and also I can't tell anyone else how they should see things and what they should or should not do. We are all entitled to have our own truth about our own pain and situation and deal with things how we want. What could be a solution is giving each other some space, taking distance and each of you starts building a life of their own. Maybe cut off contact for a while or at least limit it. Best of luck with it.