How to Lose Your Self-Esteem | Matthew Whoolery | TEDxRexburg
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- Опубликовано: 19 апр 2015
- Dr. Matthew Whoolery is a professor of psychology at Brigham Young University-Idaho. His research interests include cultural psychology and psychological philosophy and theory. He has taught at the American University in Cairo in Egypt as well as at the University of Delhi in India. He has published many academic articles and a book on topics varying from the moral development of children, the psychology of religion, the assessment of mental health, and the psychology of Taoism.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Until age of 19 I did everything for others and I was happy, loving and full of gratitude. Then I started to focus on my self and now at age 43 I was asking my self why I'm so unhappy? Then I remembered how much I lost with thinking only about my self. And this man is showing me that what I found to be truth about my unhappiness is valid. So yes he is right. Love for others make our life fuller and more joyful. I'm starting today. Love is antidote to all bad things in this world. I will take this red pil now.
This makes so much sense; however, it is based on the assumption that the people you are taking care of (with an expectation that they will be taking care of you) will actually do their part and are not harmful, toxic people who will take advantage of you. This seems like an ideal concept in a loving, caring environment. I imagine if boundaries are taught along with losing your self-esteem, it could possibly work - even with toxic people.
Matthew, love your humble and non self centered attitude.
Look at his comfortness with himself ✨ one of good speeches
one of the best speeches i heard after very long time. thanks a lot
They don't do those things out of kindness, they do them out of self interest/preservation. I like my job, but I don't do it out of kindness, I do it for money. If I could do another job that was tolerable and paid better, I'd leave this one to make more at that one. It's all about opportunity costs, not kindness. I'm sure they are wonderful people though and it sucks that they have to work so hard for so little.
I don't think it's the money they want rather a reasonable cost of living so that most (hopefully everyone) don't have to live homeless or starve.
This guy is brilliant.
Vic-Chan Yeah, it's like fresh air.
My professor a long time ago. He is amazing
@@Ksp8197 that's actually so neat and cool - I'm just curious what subject did he teach
@@spambuddy he taught us psychology :)
Well my understanding
is that you need to care for/love yourself so that you can love others.
Love your neighbor AS you love yourself-meaning loving yourself (in a genuine way) must come first.
Omg. I love the dorm Mom story. I have been feeling like I cant do much at the moment...but that story gave me something that I can do. That is to just send a message of love to the people I care about. I know it small...maybe very small...but it is something. Thank you.
I too loved the dorm Mom story hahaha
I love it how everyone is focused on people making your shoes and how it is out of necessity and not kindness. I would be interested in how many people actually know a person who works in a factory that produces those kinds of goods. I also encourage you to think that if you are so set in your mindset of people who work in factories are always unhappy, what are you doing to help them?
Professor Whoolery has lived in many places of the world and established deep relationships with people of all socio-economical backgrounds and to his experiences and interactions with others he is telling the truth as he sees it. Does that mean that he is wrong? absolutely not. Dr. Whoolery tells a story of which he had a house keeper in India where she loved her job and was good at it and over the time he spent there, they became connected on a deeper level that is hard for Western Thinkers to understand. And she truly loved his family and wanted to serve them. I guess my overall argument is that he has lived in more places of the world, his point wasn't about people making clothes but being mindful about others, and just because his perspective is different doesn't mean it isn't true. :)
its because they are not treated fairly they are Unhappy!!! du duh dud Really? dd pp
@@24lisabeth People in other countries (especially Eastern ones) actually have a totally didn't concept of fairness and equality than people in Western cultures like America. Similarly, they are often less focused on the pursuit of happiness. It is common for people outside of the United States to not even care about their own happiness. Rather, they give their thought, time, and effort to building deep and meaningful relationships with their friends and families. They genuinely care more about the happiness of others than their own (coincidentally, they also generally tend to be happier than Americans). An experience that you might find miserable might not even faze them (and something you might be unfazed by, like someone saying thank you to you, might make them incredibly uncomfortable); basically, the way Americans think is not the way everyone thinks. Even American Psychologists tend to see people as being inherently hedonistic, but altruism is more common than we might be led to think having grown up in Western societies. I believe we have a lot we can learn from other cultures.
I think most people are missing his point. Upon a search for self esteem I see the following: "In sociology and psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self". Society is our mirror and something tells me that craving the need for validation, love and acceptance from others continuously will undoubtedly lead to 'low' self esteem or at least perpetuate the low self esteem to begin with. One way to deal with this is to look outwards and focus on others, at least more often, and as difficult as this is when it has been a persons default (for what ever reason) for such a long time not to, this needs to be changed in order of developing peace of mind. When you have peace of mind, self esteem / love for oneself is a natural consequence. I noticed the using this flipped way of looking at things on another video and I actually think its a good method. Sometimes unconventionality is needed to spice things up a little to help get the message across when all the other conventional methods have become cliched and stale which lack punch.That's his message!
I needed this today. I am thankful I found it. I am implementing this in my autumn class of 195 pharmacy students. This will be transformational for many of them. Thank you for this.
This can all be summed up into this one scripture
Philippians 2:3-4
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Excellent advice...thank you!
I love this talk and I would say I agree with the points and perspective approx 85% - it's lovely belonging to a loving supportive family network like the one he describes. Unfortunately not everyone experience that, so I do think you need to have some love for yourself, to protect yourself from potential harm. Sadly, you could also have the most loving family and friends and lose them in death. But great points and a refreshingly different perspective.
The prayer of St. Francis: Lord make me an instrument of thy peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love, where there is injury ; pardon, where there is doubt,; faith, where there is despair,hope, where there is darness light, and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine MAster , grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying to the self that we are born to eternal life. Now I'M NOT A PARTICULARLY RELIGEOUS oops person but this prayer seems to be some fine words to live by.
I really enjoyed this, very well put! Not everyone is going to have the same views, as you already know (stated due to the culture we live in and our mental development of self). I was very glad I was curious enough to take a listen and after listening even more impressed that I had found it.
Thank You!
Kristin Neff's TEDTalk: "The Space between Self-esteem and Self Compassion" is more helpful, for ourselves, as well as the rest of the world.
i kind of knew these, given the background that i come from asia, but despite these, i have a husband who constantly tells me how bad, how inferior and how stupid im, and the way he says it, sometimes normal, sometimes joking, sometimes angry... and so i started to tell myself how good im, because i already knew im not that great anyway, i dont need a husband to tell me CONSTANTLY. So what im saying here is, in order to lose your self-esteem, for other people, you need to have people around you to cherish you first. its a absolute prerequisite condition!
+Jean Jasmine why dont you leave him if he doesn't cherish you?
because he has been like that always. but i still married him, and we still fighting...
In my view, the essence of this talk is that your "esteem" should not be at the expense of others but rather derive some of its meaning from others. Thus the right caption for this talk should have been "How to Build a Collaborative-Esteem"
The critical point is to shift focus from "i" to "WE"
Thank you!!
Wow, a lot of people here are really upset that someone suggested they aren't the greatest people on the planet.
not when its this sad
wow.. i was taking so mucch weight on my head by thinking that i "need" to love my self!!.. thank you sir..
I loved this! It explains a lot. Without saying it directly the message is about the importance of connections to others. Maybe that's why some people who have a terrible upbringing can make a great life for themselves and others with a terrible OR a great upbringing cannot. To take it one step further we know that social isolation is extremely bad for our mental and physical health. This presentation supports that idea but using a different and unique angle. Kudos to this presenter. I loved the story he told about his daughter. That was very powerful.
I agree, but first you have to have self-esteem to lose excess and remains only the necessary healthy core. I liked the story of the daughter - really need to tell the truth, not to mention lofty, ostensibly positive words.
in this comment section: people proving how fragile their egos have become by holding on to the Western construct of self-esteem, as well as showing just how nasty and cynical Americans can be because of their focus on materialism and projecting their own issues onto an entirely different culture, all the while making false assumptions about a man they've never met.
Be careful not to generalize about "Americans" based on the comments here!
The best part is when he says something along the lines "My wife and children will be there to love me and take care of me.", well, about that, some of us have no1 of that sort.
You need to understand most of these self-esteem issues are mechanically made to protect our psycho from the environment, theres a reason why child from low wealth families tend to have low self-worth and view the world as hostile, BECUZ THATS EXACTLY HOW ITS BEEN ALL THEIR LIVES. They learn to expect whats been shown.
Also I doubt the Chinese are sewing our cloths out of the kindness of their hearths...Mby you should have a talk with the slaves...I mean workers.
Darkray Accel then start making your own clothes he never said they were doing it out of the kindness of their heart but that they were kind people and nice to him they are happy that they have a job that most Americans would be extremely upset about the payment and work hours. Yes there are people who have been isolated their whole life but they still have a sense of self esteem they still have family or friends or even imaginary friends. Also this y’all isn’t for the people who have no one absolutely no one to turn to this y’all is for the average American and how to become happy and work out our self esteem issues we need to do good and actually be good people and be honest with ourselves and not say that we did good when we very clearly didn’t do good. Self esteem isn’t bad you should feel good about yourself but you should also be honest and critical of yourself and a genuinely nice person to those around you.
Interesting. Other than the negligible affect this stands to have on people who experienced abuse or grew up as the a child of an addict and learned very young, very quickly, and very unshakably not to think of them self. The unspoken rule familiar to all survivors of abuse is: don't talk, don't think, don't feel. That's why the term "invalidating environment," and other such inferences, exist.
Great great talk . The pit is never full, Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
That is great. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us
amazing talk, thanks
This is fantastic. As a college teacher, when I give any constructive criticism, I find 2 reactions. The first is that they take the positive comments and work on the few negatives that might be mixed in there. The other is to be defensive and not recognize that we all have weaknesses.
But you don't point on how to utilize your weakness like Muhammad Ali.
All true points. Great talk.
The people in those countrys that do our clothes etc. how he described, do it out of kindness indeed. But for their family. To survive, to eat, to have a meal in the evening. So even if i dont agree with the romantic idea that everything is out of kindness for the betterliving first world, i do agree that we are all connected from that kind of kindness. Even if its not directly for us, but we do get to feel a part of the kindness they have for others like family. Or else you would be naked/starving/have no home.
zauberhaseee Every so often on the internet you find someone who perhaps inadvertently lives by the Popperian principle of critiquing the best version of your opponents argument. Your response takes into account the nuance and subtlety embedded in what would otherwise appear glib and patronizing. I salute you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you ;- )
Anogoya Dagaati I had a hard time understanding if its sarcasm or not, your answer i mean. If you meant that i took the kindness argument of the teacher and tried to see if its true trough falsifications, then i dont know if it was intended. So i guess its true what you said. Or i completely misunderstood your post, since i had to think about it like 7 minutes lol
Hahahaha! No, I was being sincere. People on the internet like to pick apart the weakest form of an argument. Its uncharitable and unsophisticated. What I meant was; yes - it does sound naive to think that people sew our clothes and build our toys out of 'kindness' but the fact that a 5 year old can make that argument means this Professor must mean something deeper. Your comment among few seemed to grasp that.
Anogoya Dagaati I see and im sorry, i just was unsure, you seemed too smart to be on my side.
Hahahaha, you are plenty smart my friend. "There's greater wisdom in our bodies than in all our philosphies" says a very interesting man. Keep learning and sharing!
This was awesome. great ideas and quotes. thank you sir
Great talk, so true. Now to change and remember to change...
I like that he turns pop psy on its head that's useful for a new perspective. Whether his theory is better...maybe? For some folks sometimes? How about rather then self esteem~self compassion? I'm curious about the details of his childhood? He may have been given rather good parenting that he naturally takes for granted as his self view upon the world~Leading him to believe why promote self belief when it's just 'naturally' there for me. I do think he's onto something though moderation may be a more useful in the long run.
You are so deep in some areas of thinking.
Great concept!
It's not kindness, they get paid to do them things so they can feed and look after themselves and their children. Everyone looks after their self interest to some extent, whether that be themselves or their family. Even choosing to be nice is a choice of self interest as you choose to do it as it makes you feel better. At the end of the day I think you need a balance of looking after yourself in your work life as it defiantly is a dog eat dog world with caring for your loved ones. I can aperçu ate the sentiment of this talk though.
+Sean Dyas The point of sharing that others have made things for us, is to show that we can't do a lot of things on our own. It's to show that we don't think about the other side of it, all we do is think "wow this top looks great on me" or "this the best sandwich I've ever had". We think mainly of ourselves. He's a doctor and has lived all over the world and you think he doesn't know that?
Love this! It would work in a Utopian universe. But unfortunately there is no such thing. As long as sociopathy, oppression, inequality exists, somewhere in that imagined circle where everyone is singing Kumbaya, people will be left wanting.
WoW, I think I needed to hear this. thank-god I didn't click away after the beginning
its all about lose narcisism. not self esteem.
Great talk
I helped film this! :)
Amazing.
I have my doubts about the color example though... In a sense color is a property of the object (you can measure the reflectivity of the electromagnetic spectrum)
breathtaking.
This is very helpful!
In a prefect family I feel this talk applies , this is not relevant to a child in an abusive alcoholic family they need to know they have to care for themselves first , chronic people pleasing is from abusive families of origin who train children to be slaves to the world and society it's called coodependency.
I don't agree with him how he says, we shouldn't love ourselves. I personally think it's important to love yourselves and not in a selfish way whatsoever but in a way where you're taking care of your health and yourself the way you should so you can take care and help others.
Those people didnt make our clothes because they like us. They dont know us. They like/love themselves and their family and their lives and the work that they do is about the best they can do for those things that they love. That in attending to the things that they love it benefits us is incidental. But fundamentally it's their love of life or their choosing life over death that extends to us those things.
I LOVE this talk but I am not entirely convinced that self-esteem is only part of modern American culture (as the speaker suggests) and not an inevitable part of the human condition. I cannot help but feel as if the speaker is confusing self-esteem with narcissism. This is not to reference the idea of narcissism in the way most people understand it, however. We all have a certain sense of narcissism about us… to a healthy extent it ensures self-preservation and evolutionary survival. However, we can see pathological narcissism in grandiosity and depression alike. Grandiosity is how most people understand narcissism but popular culture forgets to consider the "ideas of reference" inherent in depressive symptoms or low self-esteem; "I'm worthless, nobody likes me, everyone is judging me, everything is hopeless in my life, I'm so stupid…" are thoughts that are substantially ego-centric and thus narcissistic as well. I wonder if the speaker suggests not to let go of the sense of security in ourselves but the excess of self-referential thoughts and behaviors. Is it important to accept ourselves? I will always contend that the answer is yes. Is it important to love ourselves? Maybe not… but do we not feel good about ourselves when doing something for someone else? Is this not its own reward? In this sense, is it not possible that true altruism as pure selflessness doesn't exist? Is it possible to show kindness and compassion for others without experiencing some form of love for ourselves in doing so? Without it, I'm not sure what would motivate us to consider others...
Serotonin
And Oxytocin
As we all know Individualism is the epitomized of "America Dream". Interestingly, however, individualism is not equal to selfishness and collectivism(like "China Dream") is not equal to selflessness. It base on different perspective, just like the movie 12 monkeys, "there is nothing right, there is nothing wrong, the only right thing is people mainstream view toward it." Hence, from my perspective, l more inclined to individualism. why ? since behind the individualism, there is a mutual benefit. I'm from china, I witnessed lots of people dedicated their whole life into group or country's development, but when I asked them do you feel really happy rather than full of grudge to do that? the common answer is no! Outrage and discontent gain its momentum when they seemingly behavior like "Collectivism" would definitely backfired. Conversely, selfishness is actually not selfishness when you change your perspective to a whole community. Everyone do the things they love, in turn intangibly bring happiness to the around. But the degree is very hard to balance, just like a "Yin and Yang".
Wow just a great and informative talk
While I mostly agree, you can say yes to too many things and give too much away. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself before you can give to others. Part of the problem is that some people only take without giving.
In theory, excellent idea and a wonderful way to look at things, but....the reason other people make, cook, and do things for us is bc we are the most powerful country in the world. At the same time, if we weren't and say...China was, then we would be making the shoes and light fixtures for them. Everything would say "made in USA" instead of China. Looking at life this way is like, not realizing a chicken or cow was slaughtered In a bloody mess so u or I could eat a sandwich. For something to be happy/comfortable, something else has to go away/die/be inconvenienced.
This would actually be an ineffective framework, even dangerous advise taken in the wrong context eg a child or an adult in an abusive situation. Telling a student not ones own child "you dont need to love yourself" is a very slippery slope!
Yessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The “need” to love oneself implies a lack of abundance. Thus, we never say we need the things that we already have plenty of. Love is indeed a necessity, but we shouldn’t be worrying about it as if it’s a need because it’s everywhere.
Take for example, oxygen. It’s a necessity in order to survive; however, we don’t ever think to ourselves “man I need oxygen” because we are constantly breathing just fine. The only instance in which we would actually say that is if we were deprived of oxygen for a long time.
Tricky stuff IMO. What IS self-esteem? I estimate what I CAN do in the future from what I have done in the past. Taking small steps and moving to larger ones as I see fit. I choose to move in a direction that benefits others, but I do so as that is what will lead to my own benefit. Ayn Rand called this the 'virtue of selfishness' -- it's virtuous as it leads to so much good in the world. Whereas if I think as an isolationist, I may survive, in a shack in the woods, but I won't have the benefit of trade with others - no specialization of labor, I'd have to do everything myself - hard and lonely.
So I'm not sure what self-esteem even is? Perhaps it would be some imaginary judgement of my ability, but not based in experience? Self-knowledge is difficult and does require time to look back on one's own history to gain an accurate semblance of capability in the future...hmmm. Perhaps self-esteem is then what we imagine based on our 'feelings' of ourselves instead of a rational evaluation of the facts we know about ourselves. Being as I don't base my decisions, goals, life-mission on my feelings, but rather on what I think, perhaps I am not subject to this problem of self-esteem.
In any case, I don't think I 100% agree with what he's saying here - I think perhaps it would be better to work to get people to trust their own thinking and to value their thinking as being more useful to their lives than how they 'feel' about themselves.
What if I really AM that amazing?
berighteous LOL!
Wait, are you REALLY that amazing??
+berighteous You are just as amazing as everyone else!
Then go ahead and become a soccer mon
mind-blowing
his theory can work only in ideal world, healthy self esteem is vital
Problem is: you can look at it the other way round - again - and say: if we all had a healthy self-esteem, we would be able to do more amazing things, because we wouldn't be held back anymore. I'd rather live up to my potential than to be lulled into complacency, which I experience Far Eastern philosophy frequently to do. Without the Western frustration and ambition formula of linear progress, we wouldn't be where we are today.
"In this life, we are not given to know what we need for ourselves but given to know what other people need." This is against human nature, and I do not believe it. I'd like to put this guy to test against his own advise in a more extreme environment.
mhtinla It's pretty radical isn't it?
***** A testing in all conditions, including extreme, is the basis of my point. An advice does not have a reliable base when it's not tested.
***** "My point is that we don't live in extreme conditions" I disagree. All people encounter extreme conditions occasionally. Some people live in extreme conditions all the time. For example, I don't expect a homeless person who's in extreme hunger to save the only piece of bread for a total stranger. That's a tall order and against human nature.
Ok, Good point. I see where you are coming from.
Wow! How! True! About Me...
About You!
Elise
i am shocked! i've been helping people to build up self confidence and self love only then they will be able to love others, You are teaching the opposite.
Honestly, brilliant talk... The guy reminded me of the doctor from SAW 1 though
I did not think he was able to bring his point home successfully. As soon he started to say the folks in the factory were happy and insinuated we were not I kind of checked out.
Here's a perspective...What perhaps he's getting at is what is closer to our ancient ancestors tribal POV where the tribe was your self...for most except possibly the most dominant tribal members who focused more on themselves and their desires and eventually this pattern became the dominant cultural trait and as civilization grew in numbers and complexity tribes dissapeared and self worship arose to take its place. Now we've reached the apex of EGO and now heading back towards WEGO...
Jesus said once you lose your life you will find it. Wow
Well, I am already THERE. Low Self esteem with complex mixed Borderline Disorder (unlike the stigmatised BPD Narcissist) I am extremely neurotic (YES but never narcissistic.) For instance, people find it hard to believe I have had abusive relationships or the rare symptom of clutter. In the same way, I am naturally as this Professor describes, as having low self esteem. In fact, I have humbled myself so much that I always wonder about how it would be to live like a "Cave woman". As in make my own clothes from scratch and make my dinner from scratch, i.e hunt my food (which I do not know how any human could do that. I would have to starve to death. Human beings were amazing to survive emotionally, let alone physically- the fight for survival. This is why I do not know how my amazing Late Mother who would be 79, went through so much in her amazing life, made her own clothes and mine- and toys- and jelly (jam) e.t.c e.t.c yet she was so modest, it annoyed me. I have always been self deprecating, it even annoyed my Mother. I called myself thick, ugly and everything. I find I am validating what this man says (even though I am British.) When he said that as humans we are interconnected, my boyfriend said that we are interdependent, as in what Yahweh says; Love your neighbour as yourself- true. I was also thinking of the Hymn "Bind Us Together" in Dr. Mathew's last quotation.
He's saying you can improve your self esteem by being less narcissistic. Surprise surprise.
In my opinion I think this is very very subjective.. what if I'm the kind that can think 5 negative things about myself instead of positive? Shouldn't be a blanket method but individualized.
I 100% agree with you.
You have to have self esteem and confidence.
Self esteem doesn't always equal selfishness or arrogance.
.."Mother pleaser" definitely most of my life - confidence rare and abundance of self doubt.
Oops just found this 😄
Tbh I was raised to think about other people and that I was not better than other people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My dad is a first generation American, my mom too. I didn't learn the luxury of thinking of myself until few years ago.
I have low self esteem,but I personally think that high self esteem causes too much self confidence,and might make me full of myself,it’s ok to have high self esteem,but for me I prefer low self esteem
I have always cared for others. Then I found myself alone but didnt feel it was important enough to eat right care for myself to stay healthy. Then someone showed up and I had someone to care for and I changed to eating right careing for myself now what
i did step 1 and 2 now i have depression
This is so rich!
I think he misses a little bit of this point. Lose your self esteem in order to find your truth. This glosses over process of losing one's identity and role within a larger group. It's not as plain as contributing only a little, but to recognize personal strengths in order to find fulfillment in a collective.
The one thing all these Ted Talks fail to talk about is one fact: Its not that Isolation causes depression. Its that depression causes Isolation. Why would a angry person want to hang with others? Why would others want to hang with him? Hanging with others is not the solution. The solution is to fix all the problems in a persons life (financial problems, meaningless work, no purpose, not taking care of health or diet, not meditating)
Matthew HAS SPOKEN ! ^^/
People google things just to see how many hits it got?! I google things to read about them!
"In this life, we are not given to know what we need for ourselves but given to know what other people need."
I think this is very dangerous talk. The family dynamic that he talks about - where every 1 of the 6 in *HIS* family are looking after the needs of the other 5 - that is NOT your average family dynamic! And as someone married for many years to a narcissist (NPD) I can attest that if my spouse was 'given to know what other people need" he sure as heck didn't give any indication of it, either towards me or towards our children. Meanwhile, the percentage of children growing up in abusive households is growing exponentially. As a professor of psychology, this Dr Whoolery should have at least some understanding about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Co-dependents (and that's just for starters), not to mention about domestic/child abuse statistics, especially amongst the poorer half of our population.
44.2 million search results for 'self-esteem'.
this guy dosen't have low self-esteem problem. He may be genuinely humble, but I bet he got a pretty good opinion of himself. Easy then to trow the concept off the window...
This isn't about 'opinion.' Rather, it's about what he is doing for others here,
insofar as 'sharing' what he has learned about Love, Life, and Truth. And truth has the power to change us. Whereas opinion often keeps us from truly blossoming.
Elise
This isn't about 'opinion.' Rather, it's about what he is doing for others here,
insofar as 'sharing' what he has learned about Love, Life, and Truth. And truth has the power to change us. Whereas opinion often keeps us from truly blossoming.
Elise
David Hould
Shaking my head here. Look, I think this talk should be called "losing your narcissism", not "losing your self esteem". Besides the organizational problems with this talk (I was having a really hard time following this guy's train of thought) thematically it's just wrong and presumptuous. Not everybody thinks they're amazing or self-sufficient, not everybody's needs are taken care of, and not everybody is going to fare well when told to neglect themselves. The speaker maybe, a person living in safety and comfort maybe, but not an abuse victim, or a PTSD sufferer, or somebody with a marginal existence or living on a subsistence wage. People in these situations aren't looking for cheap validation, they're just looking for a way forward.
And what other people do, they don't do it because they love you; they do it because they value themselves to the extent that they contribute what they can in exchange for wages or other forms of validation. You just don't factor at all, so I don't even understand what purpose this serves to illustrate.
And the more I listened, the less I could understand what the underlying framework of thinking was here. This talk is just literally all over the place. I keep forgetting that TedX is not the same as Ted, and that the quality of the talks are significantly weaker as a result.
Thank you!!!!! You just saved me so much time typing ...I liked the idea of expanding our gratitude but a lot of the other stuff... I disagree. I work with teens and if someone told me that they wanted to change the world like Ghandi... I would say that it is possible. I also tell them that the small acts of kindness change the world too because the person they help can then help another and so on and so on. Loved your feedback!
E Vorstang Thank you! I was trying to articulate this exact train of thought. Whoolery misunderstood what "Self-Esteem" is, and why it is important.
Oftentimes, the only way we understand other people is by understanding how something affects us, and if we don't have a way to do that (say, if we don't have any esteem in ourselves), why, we'll be no better than husks.
Also, the part of him being honest to his daughter had nothing to do with self-esteem (or, well, it's a stretch). Being honest is good, as long as it's constructive.
E Vorstang A common part of healing from PTSD and trauma is to not isolate yourself and connect with others-that is the point here. If you overly focus on yourself and your story you´ll be unhappy no matter what you achieve.
E Vorstang Agreed. I think his talk only generalizes to fairly well off first world Yuppies. That being said, I have to give him some credit because the psychological data shows stuff that agrees with what he says. Namely, that "losing your self", in the manner that humanitarians and Buddhist monks do, is indeed correlated with higher levels of happiness. Whereas focusing heavy on yourself is correlated with depression.
+E vorstang I agree, even though this man is right, your post corresponds to mine.
Self esteem is not inherently narcissistic... and this talk speaks as though that is so. Alan Watts may do a better job of explaining why self esteem is a not necessary.
Hmmm... I assume, perhaps wrongly, but perhaps accurately, that as he teaches at Brigham Young, and is presenting in Idaho, that he is a Mormon. I think that religion requires prioritizing the community over the individual... for dogmatic reasons. Something to consider, while listening.
Just not able to assimilate it
I do not relate to this man at all. I have been on my own since 17 and since I didn't love myself, I was taken advantage of by predatory romantic partners. Now, I am the only one looking out for me and my two children. They have me and I have them, and that's it.
Unfortunately there are those with self esteem issues, due to the imbalances of the chemical imbalances within the body. #MentalHealthIssues😒
Correlation does not equal causation. The idea that a chemical balance in the brain alone causes depression, while a useful heuristic for some, is reductionist and far too simplistic an inference.
Bye!
I disagree with a lot of the points
Why are there so.many homeless starving people.if everybody else.looks after us
please, anyone who is going or went through narcissistic abuse, don't do what he says. for healthy environment it is ok, but for toxic.
Your lucky not everyone has that
Worldview of the empath....
I could take a positive message or two out of this talk BUT I disagree with the main message. Everything in life is relative, and everything in life is subject to the perception of the perceiver. And since we all have been conditioned by our parents, society, education (or creativity killer) system, etc., we are therefore not the best judges to decide what someone else can or cannot do. We are not the ones to set the limits and draw the lines to what's doable and what isn't. I would simply ask my daughter/son if they enjoyed what they're doing and if they had the skills needed for it, and based on their answer I would give my advice. So, it is not enough to WANT to be good or to want to be number one at something because if you didn't enjoy it, not only would it be difficult to become number one at it, but it would be pointless and a waste of time. Teach your kids to always believe in themselves and to do the things they are passionate about. Teach your kids that the rating system we have in the world has no ability to rate how passionate you are about something or how much you enjoyed doing it, and that's what really matters. Be passionate about life, do what you enjoy, keep exploring, stay curious, believe in yourself, and do good whenever you can, are some of the fundamental messages I want my kids to grow up with. NOT to follow other people's ratings and standards for what is beautiful and what isn't, what success is and what failure is, what creative is and what isn't, etc.
Now regarding the 'denying thyself and be there for others' message, I also disagree. If you are unfulfilled you cannot take care of someone else. If you were depressed you won't have the ability to cheer up someone else or brighten their day. If you were poor you can't lend someone else the money they need to overcome their financial challenges. I once heard a great example on this topic. In any flight safety lecture they always ask adults to put on their oxygen masks before attempting to help their dependants. And this makes perfect sense to me. Because you might faint due to low oxygen level while attempting to help someone else, and the result? both of you dead or injured... most probably dead.
But I thought Americans were exceptional and we kick ass at everything. Has Fox News been lying to me again?
Nate Hoffman they're lying to themselves
+Nate Hoffman You seem to challenge things, which means you can't be watching Fox News for real...
But, you need to be independent.. Not rely on people to make you feel better. That's sad