Getting Free Of Self-Importance Is The Key To Happiness: Polly Young-Eisendrath at TEDxMiddlebury
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- Опубликовано: 17 авг 2013
- At TEDxMiddlebury 2013 Polly Young-Eisendrath discusses the idea that we can control and manage our lives as counter to our happiness. After considering the true meaning of happiness, Polly highlights several uniquely human emotions-shame, guilt, envy, and jealousy-that pose as obstacles to this happiness and offers solutions to overcome these emotions.
Polly Young-Eisendrath is a speaker, writer, Jungian analyst and mindfulness teacher. She is a long-time practitioner of Zen Buddhism and Vipassana in the tradition of Shinzen Young (in which she is a certified teacher). She has published many chapters and articles on Buddhism, psychotherapy, spirituality, resilience and Jung's psychology. She is also Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont and in independent clinical practice in central Vermont. Her 14 published books have been translated into more than 20 languages, including "The Self-Esteem Trap," "The Resilient Spirit," "Women and Desire," and "The Cambridge Companion to Jung." Polly is working on a spiritual memoir called "Love Broken Open."
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
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Some time ago, I left the country I had lived in for 30yrs, I'd lived in a 6 bedroom house with a pool, sold everything for almost nothing, gave some of it away and returned to my city of birth with one suitcase and a few sentimental small belongings. I felt a sort of calling to do this, in the knowledge that everything would turn out fine. People I knew at the time, told me I was crazy, I knew I wasn't, whatever the 'calling' was about, I had complete faith in it and nothing would persuade me otherwise. On my return, I lived in one room, no TV, I read a lot and went to work every day, it was the happiest time of my life! No stuff. A small living space, a bit too small, so I moved to a small apartment which would have fitted into the living room of my previous home. I love it, I was fortunate enough to find a little apartment that looks directly onto the river from the kitchen, sitting room and bedroom and it's heaven. I watched sunrise and sunset, hear the wildlife on the river as I go to sleep and would not change it for anything bigger. I work in mental health, though not as a doctor, a secretary. I greet patients every day and in the walk from greeting them to the waiting room, I always hold a brief conversation and treat them like they're a friend, as a result I often am privileged to be told deeply personal stories, that they often don't tell their doctors. I reached retirement age 10yrs ago, but don't want to retire, I enjoy engaging with people who are at a crisis or low time in their lives and can laugh with them, listen to them and genuinely care for them. Life has little meaning if it's all about 'stuff' and we are bombarded with advertising, facebook, etc. etc. telling us we need more and more and more. We don't.
Thankyou, I really needed to read this.....bless you! I'm 67 and am ready to step off the treadmill too.
Same here,huge home which was beautiful but no wildlife~Deadhedding now b4 it's too late🥀🙏❣️
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us.
I am currently same state of minf as you are and serching what really life is.
Thank you for that. I needed to hear that now because something brought me here. Some choices the universe thrusts on us and others we choose. Regardless, I don't thing true randomness exists.
That's amazing
Oh! Oh! My turn! She is saying that our depression comes from being self absorbed, always thinking about what we want for ourselves, and that this selfish position kills us, because our happiness does not come from what we are able to get, but from what we are able to PROVIDE for others!
And I can share an experience that is a fine example of this. ....
I use to be young, rich, good looking, retired, living in Newport Beach California, and just surfing all day. I thought I was the luckiest dude on the planet. All I did was everything I wanted to do. And yet.....I was miserable. I just figured it was just part of being a human. I would describe the feeling as being, "Dead inside." I just felt empty. Like something huge was missing from my life, and yet, I saw that I had everything I wanted.
Well, I lost everything. The Nasdaq crashed and my gambling addiction made sure I lost everything. I mean I lost my home, job, retirement, friends, girlfriends and even my family disowned me. I was on the streets. I couldn't believe how I lost everything.
So I moved to Tucson to be forgotten, burn through the last of my cash and then kill myself. That was my plan.
Well, while I was out there in the desert, I stumbled upon a dying kitten. Someone has left her in the desert to die alone as well. I just couldn't be the same assholes my friends and family had become, so I took her to my apartment and nursed her back to health.
Well, that changed everything. I suddenly had this incredible sense of joy in my life. And I couldn't understand it. I mean, I knew kittens were fun, but so was banging a different blonde every weekend, and that hadn't given me any great sense of joy.
The sense of being "Dead inside" was gone! I felt so fulfilled. All I wanted was to see this little kitten to be healthy, happy and safe. Her little meows and purring just melted my heart. She was the happiest kitten in the world.
The moment I had found this kitten, she was happy to see me. I picked her up and she was trembling, but she was also purring. When I got her home, she ate a lot of food, climbed into my lap and fell asleep. It just blew my mind! Because no one had ever shown me such faith before. This kitten never doubted my sainthood for a second. She was the first person to ever see I wasn't an asshole. And she was right. I spent the next ten years taking care of her. She never lost her faith in me, and I did everything I could to keep it. I lived for that cat. I never left her alone for more than a few hours. During the holidays the only person I wanted to see was my cat. She was it. She was the love of my life. The only one who wanted to live with me when I was at my worst.
So if you want to be happy. Forgot about getting anything. You don't need anything at all to be happy. All you need is to be there for someone else.
Now I have nine feral cats I take care of. Each one is a precious gift to me, even though they don't trust me too much. But that's okay, because they aren't there for me. I am here for them. And that makes me feel wonderful. Their happiness is my success. They live because I give a damn. It's the best feeling in the world. I'm their hero.
We all have the same need....simply to be a hero. We can't stand being creeps. It kills us to be selfish. And this is why everyone hates themselves. It's because we are all chasing selfish goals. Selfish goals KILL us. Quite literally. We are taught to be selfish. It makes sense to be selfish. But the truth is that our souls, spirits, whatever.....can't stand it when we are selfish. Because selfish people are TRASH. They aren't needed. No one needs a selfish person around. And this knowledge never really escapes us. We simply try to ignore it, because we are sure that we can get ourselves what we want.
bless you man! I hope you will be the rest of your life happy. Better to fail and recover than to do nothing.
Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you
You had had a lot of sex in your life. Didn't that make you happy?
+TheAleksandros Ya, I used to get a lot of sex, from a lot of pretty girls. And I loved it....at first. I loved it because I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I was cool, lovable, successful, etc. It took awhile before I realized it was meaningless. But I did figure it out. And then I looked down on the stupid girl underneath me and damn near cried. She too was hoping sex with me meant something. But it didn't. I just wanted to bang her and never see her again.
We were both deluded. Hoping sex meant something. But sex doesn't mean anything. Even insects have sex. What does it mean when they have sex? Nothing of course. Nothing personal I mean. It's no more meaningful than a sneeze or a shit. It doesn't mean we are cool, lovable, successful, interesting, etc. It doesn't mean a thing.
A hammer is the same as sex. In that it too is meaningless. Having a hammer doesn't mean we are cool, successful, interesting, etc either. Yet, a hammer can be used for many thing. It can be used to build or destroy. It can be used for endless means. We CHOOSE what we will use it for.
Sex is the same thing. Just a tool. We can use it for many things. But just because we have it, doesn't mean anything in itself.
Banging babes just to make myself feel like I was cool, only worked until I realized that it didn't mean I was cool. In fact, I felt like a jerk for luring these girls into my bedroom. There were many broken hearts. It was pathetic. I only did it for about 6 months and the fun was over.
The truth is that until about a month ago, I hadn't had sex in years, and I wasn't really missing it. But it was with a woman I used to live with for a couple years about 25 years ago! Hey, we are both single now, enjoyed thinking about the old days and so we got together. And man, talk about a weird experience. Because the meanings of what we were doing was all over the place. We had no idea what it meant. And it's because it was meaningless. It didn't mean we loved each other again. It didn't mean we would see each other again. It didn't mean anything. We did it to feel some of the joy we had felt decades ago. But it wasn't really there, because the reasons weren't there anymore, and it was obvious.
And so it was like having sex with a prostitute, that used to be a friend. I didn't know her anymore. I had no commitment to her. She had no commitment to me. It was purely physical. And so we had sex pretending we felt the same way we had felt years ago, which was okay, but at the same time was very empty as well. When the sun came up she was gone. I got into my car, alone again, etc.
So sex.....is as horrible as it is wonderful, because of itself it is nothing. A hammer too can be used for good or evil, but just having a hammer is meaningless. We can make a hammer give us just as much joy as sex can. You can do wonderful things with a hammer. Build a house for the love of your life. It's as rewarding as sex can be.
So, no, sex did not make me happy. Even though the greatest moments of my life have been during making love. It's just important to understand that the sex is not what was so wonderful. It was what we were doing with the sex. We were using the sex to show our faith, trust, appreciation, commitment, etc for each other. The sex didn't cause those things. Those things caused the sex. And those things were communicated through the sex. And that's what made the sex so wonderful.
It's just an important distinction to make. Sex in itself is nothing. It can be used for good or evil, something or nothing, truth or illusions, to give or take, etc. And if you are trying to use sex for selfish purposes......you will eventually destroy yourself by doing that. Because sex doesn't really get you anything. It's merely a chance to share in something beautiful. A thief will walk away only feeling robbed. Because the joy is in the sharing. That's what life's about. No thief is really happy, because all real joy comes from sharing.
Go talk to some selfish people. None of them are really happy. Look at Donald Trump and his billions. He's not even a thief, but simply a greedy businessman. And look at how miserable he is. He hasn't got a clue on how to enjoy life. He will tell you that he enjoys all his success, but he doesn't really. He gets a tiny kick from it, but no real lasting joy from it. And you know it, because he's killing himself to try to make a few billion more.
When he makes a speech, all he does is complain. He's got nothing good to say. He blames all kinds of defenseless people for what a rotten place America has become. His greed will never satisfy him, because joy does not come from selfish pursuits. Maybe a kick, like smoking crack, but in the end.....all it does is steal our joy. Because all real joy comes not from getting things, but from being able to provide for our loved ones.
No one is happy to be a creep. Being selfish is disgusting. We can't stand it. We all admit we hate selfish people, but then we turn around and do all kinds of selfish things in trying to meet our needs. And it kills our joy doing that, because we go home, look in the mirror, see a very selfish person and it breaks our heart. We disgust ourselves.
The only way to be happy is to see a hero when you look in the mirror. Nothing else really matters. It doesn't matter how much money we have. It doesn't matter how pretty we are. All that matters is that we don't see a creep, but a hero looking back at us. That's really our only need. Our one and only need is to be able to look in the mirror and see an unselfish person.
My fondest memories of myself are not when I got a large paycheck or was admiring my large bank accounts. They are always when I was there for someone else. Helping a stranded motorist, fixing a friend's car, bringing my mom flowers, etc.
The world is a weird place. The Trumps of this world are losers. Every selfish thing they do crushes their heart just a little bit more. It's the poor unknown volunteers of this world who know what real true lasting joy is. Like when I rescued that kitten from the desert. It was the most joyous experience of my life, because it was so unselfish. My cat's gone now, and I still feel joy over what I did for her. I don't feel any joy over the 60k I made in one day in the stock market long ago. That joy was quick and fleeting. But I still smile when I think about the day I stumbled onto a skinny little kitty and made the decision to be her hero.
LARRY Thanks, man.
I really appreciate your post.
It's important folks like you who have been through something in life speak up to us deluded morons and share that wisdom.
Way too many of us are brainwashed nowadays
"... happiness is the state of being in which you do not want to be in another state..." that resonates in my mind!
This is spot on… I know I am not happy. And I am constantly and very acutely aware that I desperately want to be, need to be, in a different state. 😐
Ultimate happiness = death
That's how addicts feel when they're on their drug of choice.
İ
When I think back to the best moments and periods of my life, they’re always like that, just complete satisfaction with things as they are.
"the biggest suffering comes from people not liking themselves" (self-hatred)
Sooo very true!
This is why getting involved in something bigger than yourself (especially when serving others and helping them get their needs attained) makes your own self absorbed problems melt away!
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
👍
That is exactly what i have experienced! When i feel superior to others i suffer a lot.
But when i feel small, i feel happy and free.
Andreas Andersson I wonder how "feeling small" affects one's ability to create. What do you do? Have you created big things, relatively speaking?
humanyoda No, but i think that the most genius people don't think that they are so special, but they like the idea, to tribute to a better life for people like themself. Off course you need self esteem, but the ego is totally useless in the long run.
Andreas Andersson We can't live without the ego... not the way we currently are.
Do you feel good when you are better than others, when you feel superior to others?
Andreas Andersson Yes, I do.
Imagine how many billions of people are in this world, we are one of billions who all have problems too. This makes us more connected and our problems seem smaller
I was in Peru this year at a plant medicine retreat that had no mirrors or internet available. There is really something to be said for not looking at your reflection and engaging the mental dialogue that comes with the baggage of self awareness as a personal critique. By sinking into both the nature that surrounded the group, and the deep conversations with both the medicine and the participants, I can honestly say that I now exist in the world as a more connected and useful person with far less concern for my own image in it.
Whenever I have a problem or am troubled by something, it always helps me to remind myself that I'm a tiny being in a vast universe. Once I become smaller, my problems get smaller too. I thought this talk was be very helpful, and I completely agree that the way to be happy is to lose your sense of self-importance.
I needed thissssss....I always get lost in my inner world instead of enjoying life. I get really self-involved and absorbed with my own anxieties and fears and miss things! I'm trying to change that now though through practicing mindfulness. :)
I would prefer to get lost in my inner world which is beautiful & perfect than to live in this sad and cruel reality.
@@penggo6653 - Not everyone's inner world is beautiful and perfect, but I am glad yours is! Personally, I think practicing mindfulness, and reminding myself to stay humble might help my inner world be a better place. FOMO is a real thing.
@@penggo6653 I think the point is that the inner and outer world are the same and creating a distinction is what creates division and thus conflict. So the fact that everyone is retreating into their inner world is why the world is sad and cruel.
g You are extremely correct.
BUT, it is the selfish driven people who change the world
I love this message of focusing on others and not self. In my work with others and in my own life, I focus tremendously on self-concept and self-esteem...I believe that our sense of self is at the center of everything. But my beliefs and Polly's message align, I believe, wherein understanding my own sense of self (self-awareness) is what frees me to not be concerned with myself. The idea that I accept myself exactly as I am, with all my flaws, enables me to focus my energy on others. When "I'm ok" - it stops being about me, and that is where joy is born. Excellent message.
same thought here. we also need to understand our "self" so that we can make it small.
Shame : I feel defective. What I didn’t realize until listening to this presentation is that I have behaviors that go along with feeling shame. I try to hide it and I disappear in the name of calling myself an introvert. It’s my excuse; a sad way to feel better about myself. The therapy I have had focused on change. If I could just change myself then my problems with relationships would be over. This type of therapy never worked, because I can’t change. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to be somebody I’m not. This translated into being defective for all eternity.
Humbling yourself and stopping your ego can bring out vulnerability and happiness. I agree. The egotistical and depressed person play the victim and are very self absorbed. Intentionally or unintentional. It's isolating and lonely. A place based off of fear.
Kenzie Chaney I have become more like that, since I married my husband, his self importance is hindered ego when I say what his actions did wrong in me. He is a happy person, unlike me with him, as we speak in daily life, too often although we deeply have a mutual love, and I think respect, but, he feels I dont respect him.
To be happy is OK, but to be happy all the time is madness...light and shade. Embrace your pain and then your soul shall grow. Getting rid of your ego is a constant battle. Interesting talk.
And how do u embrace your pain
@@ciaran6309 to let it flow, to express it? helping others? we tend to overextend our pain when it's no longer necessary so remember to embrace joy when it comes
Helping people recover from trauma i accidentally healed from my trauma. I did not plan to be healed, nor did i think i had a psychological problem. I am now grateful for the life i experience and feel compassion for those in physical or emotional pain. This is a really insightful talk for all of us.
It almost goes against my will to comment on this video, but it is only a way to express how I feel about this world and how it differs so greatly from nearly everyone I have ever met. Don't get me wrong, there are others that share the same feeling, but it is seldom that I stumble upon them.
Polly speaks in her video about the importance of not worrying about one's self. She says it in a sense that should be used to keep one's self from jealousy and other negative emotions.
To me, and for many reasons much unlike Polly, the importance of one's own self and the understanding of this "self" is key. The importance of one's self is all that a person has. This is what many people don't realize in today's society.
People constantly look to help others. Gaining happiness through others. Society is scared of a world that is selfish. They are scared of that word "selfish" in general. Being selfish is one of the most human things that you can be in this world, but many fail to realize it. People go through the world and have an entire sense of altruism or a sense of pity. They seek out their happiness through others. Some would believe that they find this to be their greatest characteristic, that they are always looking to help other people out that are in need. There is something terribly wrong with a world that calls this terrible thing a virtue.
Let us think of the very nature of altruism. Altruism is an emotional state where one sets his own sights on only helping others. How does this emotional state come into place? It begins when others begin to suffer. The only way that altruistic people can be happy is if others suffer. Thus is the nature of altruism.
People give their own self away every day and don't think a thing of it. They worry constantly about what other people think. They post on facebook, twitter, any social media they can get their hands on and hope for the approvement from other people. These people have no self, though. That is what they lack. The word selfish is generally noted as a bad thing.
But what does it mean when you say you are selfish?
It means that you actually have a self to begin with. That you aren't constantly relying on other people's approval. Independence is the main way that a man can judge his own human value. A person is exactly what he thinks he is and what he makes of himself. Personal dignity lacks a substitute. There is no certain personal dignity except for independence.
To create a better world people must stop being selfless. Stop worrying about what other people think. Stop lying to themselves about how happy they are with life if all they can rely on is what others think of them. What matters is what one thinks of himself. Nothing more, nothing less. Many people fake their virtue to others. They go around knowing that they are nothing but what others think of them. You can always fake virtue to others, but you can never fake it to your own self. Your ego will always be your strictest judge, but everyone runs from it their entire lives.
Be selfish. Tell yourself what you are. Figure that out, what you want to accomplish in life, what you want in life in general. Be true to yourself and the rest follows.
It is not easy, if it was then everyone on this earth would have a firm sense of their own self and understand that it is acceptable to have their own wills and desires. The world would be more creative and productive. They would do what they want with their lives. Instead we live in a world where people drone on in life only worried about others.
People are lacking their own self. They are shells of people, hiding behind the rich facade that many others use as well.
Figure out what "I" means to you. It's a harder question than many believe.
great speech!
(Just a friendly tip: being into wisdom and meditation for all these years and dedicating yourself in self-improving and improving people's lives and not being able to mention your age is kind of weird...there is no shame in aging, and you should feel ok about it just like every other information you share, it is just one of the million things about you and nothing more than that.)
As an older woman this hits the fundamental challenge of my life-not feeling superior just the seld-centeredness of depression & suffering. I know when im focused on others i am so much happier, but its a struggle to break these deeply i grained/long ago for ed neural networks of negativity (focusing on my suffering & the hopelessness of it all…) Whenevr i work helping others, i soar with peace & happiness.❤️
As a 15 year old who was already suffocating by piling myself up with my self centred behaviours due to my past, she made me realise that i had forgotten the world in which I've been residing in and technology didn't help. Honestly i wish it didn't exist because my willpower isn't strong enough to resist it yet haha but the glimpses of feeling of oness i viewed as she spoke felt like somewhat home. I aspire to be like her one day. Thank you ma'am
i searched self importance, because when i was taking a long shower, i was trying to figure out why i do what i do, or where my thoughts stem from. I realized it was the desire to be better then others. its as if there is someone always watching you, comparing you to others, and so you have to be better then others to feel good. this can subtly creep in and like a virus, conduct your most big picture plans. For example, you can become a spiritual master and be enlightened, simply so you can be "more enlightened" and "advanced" then other people-- and not even know it. So you try and you get no closer to peace. Even me writing this comment and sharing what i've learned can be me trying to get superiority by teaching people what they don't know and thus being smarter.
I've found that if you really want to figure shit out, stop with the bibles and religious figures and Gods, and start looking inside yourself and finding out why you do everything you do. Your own mind probably holds more mystery then the entire universe.
dirosaga the next question might be, "why do I want to be better than others?". It's something like a shame avoidance. The antidote to this shame is equality. Which kind of ties in to this talk.
dirosaga best comment ever.
You could study some form of reductionism in psychology to get more insight
dirosaga I agree
No. Just no
What a breath of fresh air hearing this woman talk about the things that are so true. She manages to put into words the things that plague my mind on a daily basis.
Likewise!
Thank you for your comment 🙏 Checked it into the video based on it and found the content very useful for life
I thought I was the only one in the world who suffered from debilitating self consciousness in my teens and early -mid twenties. It was the most unhappy time of my life. Also, cannabis did not help the situation. To have a global perspective and to feel part of the big picture is essential to be in flow. Thank you for this information.
So do I. Regards.
I actually wish that people who write negative comments under other people's openly shared ideas would ask themselves what is realistically driving them to push a spike into another person's tyre. The desire to criticise must be motivated somehow... To me it looks like a supreme sign of us exhibiting our own superiority.
Also, I would like to add that I think Polly Young-Eisendrath offers wisdom and learning through her great inner learni8ng experiences as well as her studies. There are not any 'sign up with me' deals advertised here. Therefore, I think she's in it for the sharing of wisdom, ie.for the good of mankind!! THANK YOU SO MUCH Polly Young-Eisendrath!!
Getting rid of our own ego is the best feeling.
When I operated in the old fashion, always being of service to others I really did not like myself, though I did like others and had very low expectations of them. Now that I make sure that I am cared for before I care for others I really like myself. I find though that I see others more clearly and do not universally care for people the way I once did. I am so content now. I cannot imagine going back to the way I operated before. Focusing more on others obviously works for her, for me just the opposite
DeskTornado If you watch a bit starting at 6:21 , you will see that she doesn't forget to pay attention to herself. I suspect that she doesn't practice what she preaches.
I don't think she is saying not to take care of yourself. Feeling that you must constantly sacrifice for others and that you are responsible for everyone else's happiness is actually a very powerful form of self-importance. It's called the martyr syndrome.
The ideas she's talking about here, about not thinking you have to manage and control everything and everyone else, fit very well with giving up unhealthy sacrifice for others. Obviously it was a short talk and she didn't have time to get into every implication, but I believe she would agree with this.
DeskTornado ...Right on, pour from a cup that runneth over ;)
I think that before you tried to find to find fulfillment by tending to others only. You might have had low esteem. To be able to love or appreciate others we must love and appreciate ourselves first. She tries to impart a very important lesson to us all.
Upasana is such a beautiful term. It's making yourself less important and having something else preoccupy your life. You are taking the sub seat, while something else is occupying the main seat.
I got rid of jealousy and envy in my 20ties. It takes a little self discipline. Sometimes I forget that people are still victims of these negative emotions. A healthy reminder .....
still in my twenties and still haven't got rid of those...
pennydesouza
you will... slow process it seems at the time. you wont realize the power you have NOW until most likey ..pushin 50.. just to give it a number
pennydesouza youth is wasted on the young☺ Enjoy, be silly, learn as you go. Thats what being young is all about. Annoying for anyone older than 35 but hell dont worry about them. Just a tip, dont fall into the whole taking "Selfies" every 2 secounds, I really worry for those young people. wow.. mental illness big time. Good luck.
U're right. Since 2008 I've also been getting rid of thes negative features that are jealousy, comparison and envy gradually. But some others (in my workplace or in my family) always remind me of these emotions that still exist unfortunately. Not so easy to cope with them because they convey so much bitterness, greed, grudge & frustration.
*****
THere is no way to be completely rid of self and all its manifestations, its part of our makeup.
Superiority complex & narccism cant never give us true happiness nor satisfaction. It harms us and our loved ones and feeds the ego. I always feel I'm very self absorbed too. So I hope your video may help me💞
When you realize your brain is just a sender receiver and most of the thoughts within were not created by you, but by others.....
Once one realizes that then it's very empowering. Thoughts can change the template of culture. But it takes repetition because to change the default, there needs to be change happen a certain number of times before it becomes automatic. That certain number is the critical mass number. When reached, new habits are formed.
I was thinking the exact same thing. We are all in the Universe, part of it. I think we get different vibes from people, and are attracted to some positive things.I think that we think of a problem and the answer gradually gradually floats up in our thoughts.
kinggeorgewashington :)
Haya B.
Created by us in response to others...?
Happiness comes from having good and meaningful relationships with people that you love. Focus on the intrinsic values rather then external egocentric values.
THAT'S IT, REMI! Much LOVE to you and your beloveds! And Happy New Year!
What an incredible speaker, looking good in her mid 70s
I thoroughly enjoyed that. Her words rang truth for me. Blessings!
I am really amazed at the simplicity yet depth of the words and how the skilful speaker puts them. It is indeed a life changing speech.
Summary: A serious problem in our world is that people do not like themselves. Self-importance is defined as the tendency to make ourselves the center of our experience, to imagine that our consciousness comes from our brain. This does not make us feel well, we are haunted by our own negative commentary. Happiness is defined as a state of being of not wanting to be in another state, being completely involved in your experience so that you forget yourself, her concept of happiness is the same as the concept of Flow or being in the Zone.
People should be constantly fascinated by the fact that every moment we are here "all together and all at once" , we are participating in a fabric of being that we do not understand. If we are not fascinated by that all of the time, it is because we are collapsing back into our self and worrying ourselves to death with our self-consciousness. Why so?
Self-conscious emotions motivate us to feel that we are separated from the rest of the world and make us compare ourselves to the others. They bring an enormous load of negativity if we engage into them.
These emotions are: Shame, the desire to hide, cover up, lie, because you feel defective in relation to others.
Guilt: the desire to repair the wrong doing because of feeling of responsibility
Envy: the motivation to attack or diminish something that belongs to another because you feel you could never have that for yourself
Jealousy: the desire to get what someone else has because you feel you could have it.
Pride and Self-pity are also in the list
How to feel genuine happiness without years of meditation and a direct experience of No-self? Here are three tips: Think "You are tiny and the world is large", Spend a day or two without a mirror, Become engaged in your immediate world. If you do that you will find that the world is reaching out to you all of the time. Do so and happiness is guaranteed almost 24/7.
Commentary: First of all I'd like to identify what in this lecture is based on her buddhist beliefs and what instead is science.
She states that it is an illusion to imagine that our consciousness comes from our brain. It is actually hardly debatable that our consciousness, like all our thoughts and perceptions, and the sense of “non-self” itself are a products of our brain.
While her definition of flow is correct, flow cannot be compared to happiness. Here I quote Wikipedia regarding what is necessary to be into a flow:
A flow state can be entered while performing any activity, although it is most likely to occur when one is wholeheartedly performing a task or activity for intrinsic purposes.[7][11] Passive activities like taking a bath or even watching TV usually do not elicit flow experiences as individuals have to actively do something to enter a flow state.[12][13] While the activities that induce flow may vary and be multifaceted, Csikszentmihályi asserts that the experience of flow is similar despite the activity.[14]
Flow theory postulates three conditions that have to be met to achieve a flow state:
1. One must be involved in an activity with a clear set of goals and progress. This adds direction and structure to the task.[15]
2. The task at hand must have clear and immediate feedback. This helps the person negotiate any changing demands and allows them to adjust their performance to maintain the flow state.[15]
3. One must have a good balance between the perceived challenges of the task at hand and their own perceived skills. One must have confidence in one's ability to complete the task at hand.
I don't think it is a realistic goal or even productive to be in this state of mind 24/7. We have different needs in different parts of the day. Sometimes we need to be self-reflective, sometimes we need to be worried and so on. Let's not forget that all these emotions are reactions to what is happening in the outer world.
Happiness can instead be defined as satisfaction in life. Something that is much more complicated and has been measured for years. Here you can join a course about how to be happier: www.coursera.org/learn/happiness
I remember when I was little, right up to 7th grade, I never once thought about myself and I was the happiest thing ever. Had lots of friends and didn’t even think about it. But when 7th grade hit all of a sudden I became conscious of myself and that changed everything. I got hit with the lowest self esteem depression and debilitating anxiety and was not able to be comfortable around people. Lost my friends, stopped talking and went into myself. I became my only friend/ enemy. I was terrified of the world outside myself. Lost the ability to connect to others. I felt everybody was soo different from me. Now I’m 25 and I’m slowly starting to realize that I’m not that different and that’s the best feeling ever. I also feel more confident in myself and in my morals/interests. Was that just puberty? Idk but it was so hellish but I’m glad I survived and the world seems less scary now !!
I’m not sure if you are a woman, but if you are there is a great book called “Reviving Ophelia” about this very phenomenon. Some girls, around puberty, experience a debilitating self consciousness and loss of self because of the expectations our culture has of women. I read it decades ago (I’m 52 now) and it resonated so much. The line I remember most was something like “I was a perfect and amazing carrot and the world wanted me to be a rose.” I’m still learning this very important Truth: Be Yourself. Whoever/however you are is your unique gift to the world. 🥕💚💖
So much wisdom. Thank you for sharing!
Bold and important talk! The topic of no-self deserves much more attention. She really knows what she is talking about. Not everyone may see that, but I am sure of it. That is beautiful.
What an important message, I encourage everyone to try what she says, I have been more of less doing all those things for the past 3 or 4 months and my life has improved so much.
+Random Dude I try to most of the time, sometimes it's difficul but I am combining this with some sort of mindfullness and well yeah some bad things have happenned but all of these tips have helped me a great deal.
What she speaks of is our EGO......Everyone has one. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. And when our ego drives our every natural instinct it becomes detrimental to our happiness. Have you ever heard the saying "at the buffet of ego everyone leaves hungry?" Animals are not driven to extreme emotional distress by their over needy never satisfied ego. That's the difference. Appreciation of life is only possible to those whose emotional vision is unclouded by preoccupation with the problems of self. She's teaching tactics to "right-size" your ego. Polly speaks truth to anyone who isn't too restless and ego absorbed to hear the truth. Or maybe you have discovered how to remain in a state of constant humility.
This just reminds me of the childlike happiness and wonder I felt while I was on psilocybin mushrooms. All of my anxieties just melted away because I was so enamoured with the nature around me. I was splashing in water, squishing my feet in clay, picking the glass and litter out of the creek with my friends. Nothing mattered and I really didn't care what people thought of me and I definitely did not feel self-absorbed and anxious as I usually do. My emotions just swung from left to right, moments of extreme energy to moments of silence and reflection, occasionally moments of extreme emotion that made me want to cry. I wonder if that's how a child feels. I would recommend shrooms when you are in a good mindset to find clarity in your life because I sure did.
Olivia Amoah , how can I find mushroom? Portland Oregon
This is what living in the moment is about. Most of the thoughts that people have in the mind are planted of what they surround themselves. The mind is a machine that has a tendency to processes only the past and the future but not let the being be in the present moment. Eckhart Tolle talks about this: "Happiness begins with the death of the ego." Somebody said here on youtube that when you speak to people, look closely to see who is talking.
Love it!
So good to be small because it fits all occasions. I am a serious practitioner in Buddhism that in fact,there is no permanent self but only phenomenal one by one passing by.🙏🙏🙏✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️
Guys, the point here is very simple. To achive happiness, that is only the thing we are all looking for, we just´ve to look to the things that happens to us, every day, and try to face and lead them without being too much personal. As nowdays we increasingly tend to give us more importance we tend to take too serious everything that envolves us, and that, unconsciously, turns our perception of the world. guide us to have a "warning state" that wont allows us to live free, to live without the fear or without all the emotions that takes us down, because we think that we are the queens or the kings that can not never stay behind, can not never be overpast. Dont you forget that We´re all togheter, and the way we act to others will affect our life directly.
dd pp or perhaps you just cant understand it? I can, perfectly. It may be someone who's native tongue isn't english so don't judge. They had a point and they tried their best to explain it.
Alexandre Ramos don't look for happiness, just find a reason to be happy. most of us have no reason to be unhappy. if you really think you are, think this way. Is this gonna matter in a few weeks or months? if not, you have absolutly no reason to be unhappy. choose what matters. and let only the important things get to you. I made i video about my view on the search of happiness and why you need to stop. check it out on my channel (or not)
so speaks to me today!. Thank you for healing words, Dr!
Amazing talk, I’ve thought about these concepts a lot but have never heard such a practical talk on the topic ❤️
Oh this is brilliant. I’m so happy to have found this talk again. Maybe a year ago I listened to it for the first time and it really helped me. Now I’m listening to it again when going through a rough patch. Suprised this video at the time of me writing only has 700 comments despite being up for a while. Must say something about our society.
Hello there. Not everyone is talented to write a comment. Look at how many people have listened to this talk. Right now is 1,5 millions. This is what matters.
Love this woman ,I am glad to say I have many mirrors in a small flat to bring the outdoors in ..like trees and nature. I will watch this again as she is wise and I want this to sink in ..Thank you .
Thank you for making this wonderful speech
I do feel happiest when I am of service. A little bit of giving to others each days does create it. I think this is partly why having pets makes me happy. I love giving them joy and comfort. Of course I also feel happy with a clean house, a nice evening reading g a book but if my life were all about that it would get empty.
I didn't have to do what this doctor did but I have a good sense of self and I love my personal characteristics and love spending a lot of time existing in the flow. Part of this is due to an extensive knowledge of the Bible and knowledge of all kinds. I try to be realistic about my abilities by testing them constantly. Therefore, part of my self-satisfaction is due to my age which will be 70 this year. People are depressed because they are operating at the primitive level of their brain.
This was the answer I needed. Thank you! What a wonderful talk!!!
After thinking and analyzing many things about my nature, and the way many people feel they are not enough I have come to the conclusion that when we are small our parents limit our behaviors in order to keep us in line, or keep us out of danger. I think that these constant reminders to change our behaviour could be the key to the beginnings of our self doubts. Parents have to curb children’s behaviour, in order for us to be civil, to behave in an acceptable way to get along in society. Maybe many of us interpret these teachings as criticisms, or maybe we were given directions in a critical way.....it’s something to think about....
This talk really resonated with me. I've been focusing a lot of my personal development on removing self out of the equation. Thanks a lot for the upload.
Brilliant woman; invaluable insights.
I really love watching TEDx videos here on youtube coz there's no annoying ads and the contents are great!
« S'oublier pour être heureux » c’est une solution assez inédite ! Très intéressant de tenter de concilier la sagesse du bouddhisme et les concepts de la psychologie occidentale et gagner cette nouvelle perspective du bonheur en s’oubliant.
If your french skills are weak, here's some help from Google Translate understanding Monsieur Roland's observation above:
" 'Forget yourself to be happy " is a fairly new solution! Very interesting to try to reconcile the wisdom of Buddhism and concepts of Western psychology and gain this new perspective of happiness by self-forgetting."
Ce n'est pas une nouvelle perspective du tout. C'est la meme chose que de parler d'eliminer ou vaincre son ego. Il y a beaucoup de facon de dire la meme chose. En anglais il y a une expression qui dit "to be in the zone" et qui veut dire exactement la meme chose. On peut expliquer la chose en termes scientifiques et parler du systeme parasympathetique et sympathetique qui sont en parfait equilibre. Ou encore on peu parelr en term de chakras en parfaie harmony. Etre heureux ne devrait pas constituer un but puisque ce n'est qu'un effet secondaire due a des actions et decisions qui portent fruit, mais qui sont generalement directement relie a notre ego. Ce que l'on veut eliminer ici. Tres subjectif comme propos je dois admettre. Le vide que l'on cherche a combler est la cle de tout ce mystere - etre heureux d'apres moi, c'est d'accepter ce vide et de ne pas essayer le combler a tout prix.
It's a wonderful feeling to forget yourself in something you are doing such as making music,playing an instrument or reading someone's work. I agree taking care of someone or watering plants, feeding your animal buddy is fulfilling. Selfishness is emptiness.
Happiness is the state of being, in which you do not want to be in another state.
This makes so much sense to me, and explains how I have felt both happy and sad, when I am content within my feelings of sadness.
My dear friends have pulled away from me. Ostensibly because I am selfish/self absorbed - not showing up as a friend in the way they would like. I feel such deep deep shame as I value them and their opinions so much. This was helpful and has brought me some peace. Stop looking in the mirror - metaphorically, is a brilliant one. I'm sorry I had to get so far down the rabbit hole before having this awakening.
Thank you.
Unless one wins the parenting lottery, understanding and experiencing the paradox of this simple message may take many years - and can be excavated from the rubble of all spiritual traditions.
This simple message is the foundation of the very spiritual traditions you call rubble. Lol ironic.
The BEST TEDx talk ever!!! Thank You!!!!
One of the greatest definitions of happiness I have ever heard!
I am unique like everybody else. Individuality is good.
I like her voice and the way she speaks.
Very helpful
Nadia Nassar very constructive
She’s 71: this is what 71 looks like. 💫👍
Great down to earth tips! Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Thank you. So generous. A wonderful talk.
Happiness = Presence (in essence)
Aided and abetted with some understandings.
Hm, I just finished watching a TED talk about how important it is to feel important. And now this?!
That's hilarious. A perfect example that your specific perception, is your specific reality.
The irony is that the more you strive to feel important, that very paradigm undercuts you. The woman here is on the right track with "not feeling important", but she's still not quite there with the right framework and structure in which that operates.
The example of "being in the zone" is a good one. When you're in the zone, the "self" ceases to exist. You become the pure act of "being" and "doing". No judgement. No critique. Just pure "flow".
Middle Way is the best way!
Feel important enough to not confirm to what others say life should be like and to search for happiness by seeing the world doesn't revolve around you. Get it?
BC hhahaa! Good point. I guess the answer is Feel important but don’t overdo it.
Ms. Polly (Dr. Young-Eisendrath), thank you for your kind, comforting and wise words.
Thank you so much Miss Polly Young-Eisendrath! Thank you for making things a lot more clear!
this is brilliant, I would love to hear much more, thank you!
Amazing...
I just read a book called The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness that was about the same things she is talking about. I'm so interested! It focused on 1 Corinthians 3:31 - 4:7.
What an amazing ted talk. Something deep down, we all know but need a mentor to push us at the right direction. I stumble upon this which was on RUclips 9 years ago... Thank you!
Excellent! Thanks to Polly Young-Eisendrath for this most helpful talk.
I want to mention that I think it is natural to (unreflectively) rank one's own importance above that of others' because that pesky "I" body looks bigger, and the close-at-hand "I" voice sounds louder, than anyone else's. And I'm hoping you have a comment on that, Polly. Thanks again.
Wonderful! The speaker's idea resonates with the book "the inner game of tennis" which I recently read. The book breaks human into 2 selves and suggests that we should let go of self 1 which is the self-importance in the speaker's words. Our lives should not be shaped by the the self 1 which has emotions like guilty, shame, etc,. Instead, we should give rise self 2 which is like our nature that always manage everything so well just like those things just occurred to us. With self 1, we can better detect the environment. But with self 2, we can fully engage in the present and enter into the flow state.
I really needed to hear this. I need to learn to let go of my ego and just be. I need to learn to just be content and learn to feel true genuine happiness.
Perfect. She can convey the content calm and with intention!!!
Larry found GOD in a cat. HE just keeps showing up everywhere right when we need him ! GOD IS ALL IN ALL...
God can send a cat....also His Son......Happy is the people whose God is the Lord. the Bible. Once we come to repent and open our heart to let Him in we are set free, amen John 3 repent and be reborn. Anxiety goes we respect ourselves and dont worry what others think or ourselves in depression. .. ty Tracy
Watching this today has been the opening up I needed at a really dense time in my experience. Thank you for sharing your understandings with the world. You helped make a shift for one today.
A really pleasant talk and a reminder of some of the basics of life that are so often forgot. You can feel the calming energy of Polly throughout this talk.
Real happiness is just being in a state when we don't even think of anything basically, thoughtless state is the real happiness and most wonderful experience that one could ever achieve that's what I have realised so far..
This has made me very curious. I keep thinking this each time I listen to a spiritual person teach their way of attaining, I like to say an inner peace and surrender to life
I do not know if I have not understood what Polly is trying to convey but my thoughts are..
We all come down here to have an experience. Everyone's experience is different. I like to believe that we come down here to experience and learn. I do not know why and I am open to the fact I could be completely wrong but it is what I've come to believe after many years of trying not to hate myself due to past experiences
During this time what I have noticed is everyone is teaching their way as if that is the truth. Do this and that you are living life how its meant to be lived but...
What if someone's experience is to come down here and realise the importance of their self because they have always put others first. There is so much out there to say nothing is at random and its a very liberating feeling to think there is some mysterious orchestration going on that we do not know.
I am just curious as to whether, maybe some people are down here to be self absorbed and to learn their self importance?
I believe you can be self absorbed and have self importance but understand that you are no more important than anyone else?
I believe you can be self absorbed in a negative way but you can also be self absorbed in a way where you are learning about yourself, developing awareness of yourself and maybe that is apart of someone journey.
Sending good vibes to you :D
I really like her and the way she expressed her knowledge...I wish TED gave speakers more time.
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There is a lot of valuable information to unpack from this simple, elegant talk.
I think her speech or message is a blessing for us. She has that humility, insightful perspective, Thanks, Mam Polly. You are a gift from God.
Getting rid of self importance was also were Don Juan from the Carlos Castaneda Books talked about
Maturation is mostly a process of getting over yourself. An adult who's still wrapped up in their personal story is probably quite unpleasant to be around. In the best case, such a person is merely boring. It's funny - the less you worry about your personal story, the better it probably is (if anyone cared enough to tell it).
Best comment ever.
Well said
Love it
Love you Polly! Thank you and many blessings to you and your family!
i watched it twice. so much wisdom in such short a lecture. thank you polly young-eisendrath for opening my eyes/ heart. may logic override my emotions.
Although, I don't share her Buddhist faith, I can see that her principles show a lot of wisdom, in that selfless living and abandonment of self-importance are the first steps to being content. However, living for others and not being self-absorbed is a process that is easier said than done.
"The happiest people are those who do the most for others. The most miserable are those who do the least."
--Booker T. Washington, Up from Slavery
"For whosoever shall save his life shall lose it, and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it."
--Matthew 16:25.
You are so beautiful and look too young for your age! Amazingly beautiful inside and out. You should be proud of your age.
Im a Male and that's false. Also how old is she?
She said that she is almost 105. I guess lots of yoga & meditation is really good for your health.
Be happy and provide happiness 🥰
That is life😘
This is such a powerful lesson that everyone should know
My mantra for 2014: No more Anger. No more Fear. Just shut up, and Love.
I hope it did work for you
@@stundown It didn't. She's dead.
@@civilservant9528 ok
so clear and helpful, thank you
Great teachers inspire 🙏🙏 Thank you very much ma’am for the information that you shared in such a simple but effective way
Inspiring talk, thank you Polly !