I didn’t realize that I was abused by my mom until I had my first child and I heard my mom say the things she used to say to me. Then I told my mother that unless she changed her behavior she would not be seeing my daughter.
Thanks to youtube you likely won't see this but here is my attempt, me too. I couldn't understand once I had a child how you could say and do such things to a child. That is when I realized it was never right, or okay.
My husband doesn’t talk to me. We sleep in separate rooms. He leaves for work first no goodby. Watches a lot of TV. Talks to others. I pay more of the bills because I make more. We have a joint account. I only use. I have no idea of his accounts passwords. I’m seeing a Christian Counselor. He calls me a hypocrite because I go to church. I do get angry at times because he doesn’t engage at all. He doesn’t believe in God. 2 boys in their 20s 1 still at home graduates from college in May. He is an unbeliever. We are opposite in almost everything. His fun is drinking. I’ve kept busy with work, volunteer work, Bible study. I feel my heart rate go up when I see his car in garage. As a Christian I don’t have grounds for a divorce. I’m sad and lonely. I’m trying to just be quiet purge my house and think about what I should do. Hard
@@svwerner2877That sound hard. Everyone has different values but there may be times when a divorce could be seen as the most compassionate and loving decision for all involved. Our well-being is important.
@@svwerner2877That is hard 💔, and it seems like he has checked out of the relationship. Anoint his bed with oil and pray over it and him every day. What does he do if you treat him like a beloved enemy? (Love your enemy. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you".) If you, for at least forty days blessed him in a variety of ways that you know please him - Like dinner at a certain time. Particular foods, setting the table.... basically - What is his love language? Do things that touch his love language consistently for at least 40 days and see if he responds at all, or if he's done. (Look up The Love Dare). 🙏
@@svwerner2877 I'm so torn when I hear things like this. I'm a Christian too, but I believe in a loving God. Does He want you to suffer like this? He hurts when we hurt, doesn't He? He's also forgiving. Would he forgive you for divorcing? Idk, one's faith is such a personal thing. I hope you can find some peace, in whatever way you see fit ❤
Respect is key. At the point where you feel that your husband or wife or spouse no longer respects you, appreciates you, or crosses the boundaries of respect, or feels okay to humiliate you, that's abuse.
You are right but there is one issue. The term respect is very subjective and may vary from person to person. Some people even use these words to force other people to walk on eggshells around them. I remember I was called disrespectful for about anything I did that was perceived negative from simple criticism to silly jokes or just voicing a complaint. I now reach a point where I crisps each time I hear the word respect because I was surrounded by toxic people who weaponise this word to force people to behave the way they want
Trust and respect are the foundations of healthy relationships You deserve to be safe.Stop allowing tenure hold you hostage to disrespect and abuse. We cannot fix, save, change or heal anyone. That is their responsibility. The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. You cannot change another person. Personality and character is fixed. Behavior can be modified. Healthy relationships require mutual compatibility, emotional maturity, and relationship skills. What you will experience with someone over time is what's internal. Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success. Shared core values emotional maturity and a blendable lifestyle is compatibility. Equality, mutuality and reciprocity is a healthy relationship. Abuse of any type should never be tolerated. You're worth more than this. Self love is a vaccine to emotional chaos. ❤️ Why Modern Dating Needs A Makeover with Jillian Turecki podcast The Pitfalls Of Modern Dating - Jonathon Aslay and Destiny podcast How Your Childhood Trauma Effects Your Love Choices - Jonathon Aslay and Sabrina Risling podcast 5 Shocking Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man - Jonathon Aslay podcast 7 Signs He's A Safe Man And That You Can Trust Him - Jonathon Aslay podcast ♥️ How Healthy People Regulate - Dr Ramani podcast 8 Common Types Of Trauma Bonds - Dr Ramani podcast Coercive Control - Dr Ramani podcast How To Spot An Abuser On The First Date-Dr Sam Vaknin podcast Why You Attract Certain People-Kenny Weiss podcast 5 Signs He Will Break You Then Leave- , Derrick Janx podcast What Love Is Not - Dr Sam Vaknin podcast Never Forgive Infidelity Cheating--- Dr Sam Vaknin podcast Personal development is transformative and empowering. Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Dating For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin Attached by Amir Levine Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix - IMAGO Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD I Hear You by Micheal Sorenson Toxic Parents by Susan Forward Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? Jonathon Aslay
respect isn’t subjective. But the term can certainly be twisted and weaponize by an abuser. What we used to call ‘respect’ (doing what someone wants out of fear - I.e. my dad will spank me if I don’t get the chores done) would now be considered abuse.
Abuse is a manipulative pattern where one person has been told how they harm the other person and they choose to keep doing it anyway. If someone knows something deeply hurts you and they do it again, it is abuse and it is definitely intentional no matter what they say.
Depending on what they're requiring. There are some things I will never do even if SO claims it hurts them if I don't... because it's wrong. End of. Other things, absolutely true.
@@JML542there’s a difference here - when it’s abuse the person is doing something that hurts you and refuses to stop. It doesn’t apply if they want you to do something
@parsnipproductions8875 So for instance, say an SO claims that it hurts them if I look after our farm animals when they are sick or injured, because it takes time away from the significant other even if done for only fifteen minutes in a day... So the SO wanted me to stop doing that. (Pure jealousy). But I would never stop treating an animal that needed help even if the SO says it hurts their feelings. Because to not look after the animals that we have chosen to shepherd would be abuse in and of itself. In this case, I would know that what I was doing hurt the SO, but it would be morally wrong to stop doing it. That is why I've put forward an "it depends" statement. Whether it's doing or not doing something, sometimes it's wrong to do or stop doing even if the other person doesn't like it.
I was abused for 36 years, and I didn't even realize it. He did all the things you mentioned in this video to me except hitting me. No one believed me. I left almost 5 years ago, and I am still healing. A broken bone heals quicker than a broke spirit 😢
I’m just in the process of leaving a very abusive relationship. Holding onto my sanity by a thread… I understand you when you say no one believed you! My husband presents himself as a very different person outside the home, and a lot of people believe that version… I honestly can’t wait to get out…
My husband controls the money. Controls who I hang out with. Emotionally neglects me. He won't kiss or hold my hand. My Austistic was hitting me over 10years finally late 2022 he finally accepts to let my son get on medicine. I've had a 3 months break from my son hitting me. My son had slight brain damage at birth is severely autistic. 😢
Make sure you call someone on the outside!!! Don’t ask normal friends or people that know the person! Big big mistake if very covert abuse! Always ask someone on the outside and ask a few people!
I was being mentally abused by my husband of 10 years and I decided to face time my mom so he could back off he was triggering me and intentionally saying bad things so I snitched him out to my mom now he’s embarrassed of himself
When i was 10 months married I prepared as usual a lovely dinner for my husband, made a big fuss over him. I put my arms around his neck from behind. He pushed me away from him so hard that I ended up across the room hitting a sideboard and was in shock. I asked him what I had done wrong...he said I was smothering him with affection. That abuse changed everything for me. I had a horrible marriage with this prick and finally left the house with all my children. Needless to say he continued to make my life very difficult. I finally divorced him and I can now breathe 😢😢
Listening to when your body feels like it needs to protect itself is so key. My body is often correct and recognizes the gravity of the situation before my brain does
I dealt with both emotional abuse and gaslighting. It’s crazy because I never saw that coming nor did I ever think I would be in a situation like that. Now I know what to look for to avoid a situation like that again.
Yes, me too. The verbal/emotional abuse is strangely vague and amorphous, and yet very heavy and real. I never would’ve thought I’d be in a relationship like that. And it was hard to explain what was happening to others, especially when the gaslighting and projection had me questioning myself. So I didn’t really try to tell anyone. I left my narcissistic ex-fiancé/son’s father 11 years ago. I’ve learned how to ‘manage’ him. To this day he says I left for no good reason. But I know I left an abusive, or at least very toxic, relationship that only would’ve gotten worse.
I left a long time emotionally abusive relationship last month. Still the best thing I’ve ever done. This just makes me think about how he refused to see himself as abusive. Even in the end, he couldn’t see it, and had to make sure that I took responsibility in abuse too. Of course it all goes both ways. I can be passive aggressive, I wouldn’t consider that abuse, but it makes the emotional abuse list. Anyway, all this to say. Thank god I left, and I’m trying to be vigilant. I’m also trying to be stronger around my triggers. Someone in my hotel who slams a door to their room shouldn’t have me in tears in my room. But it affects me still.
Yes and after abuse we can be very sick and need to really analyze what needs to change 🙏🙏. Been 7 or 8 years of constant (daily work to heal!!) it’s not over either and more frustration now with my mistakes.
Sometimes people can't reach out because they can't afford to set up a new life.. and its worse in situations where the abuse is more subtle so there's less emotional motivation as well...talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Right, or you have children and you know you can't let them go live with with him and his other women 50%of the time. They'd be ruined. Better to suffer myself then leave them to the wolves.
Abuse is intentionally harming through an action but also when a person is withholding something that is vital for the wellbeing of others. Sitting and eating chips not caring about what your kid is feeling is withholding love and care. So it involves both, doing something and not doing something.
My husband is neglectful, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me at various points in our relationship. I am getting to the point where I no longer want to be with him. He just doesn’t get it. He is delusional when it comes to his behavior. He takes no accountability and blames everything on me. He can’t even apologize.
Then it is your responsibility alone to leave the abusive relationship. I had to go to a homeless shelter in order to leave mine and it helped me get on my feet being independent. If you continue to stay than it is you that becomes delusional and incapable of taking Responsibility for your own actions, those actions would be staying in an abusive relationship
I really don’t like bullies. I was on a job site where the boss was yelling and cussing at his employees. It was over 15 guys on the site. I listened to him yell for about 2 hrs. After two hours of listening to him. I took the water hose and sprayed this guy down with water. He came up to me and said what are you doing? I told him in front of the other guys that I would do harm to him if he didn’t stop abusing his guys. Long story short, the guys came up to me and thanked me for standing up for them. He stopped and was good for the remainder of the job.
It's a good thing it wasn't the Irish italion boss I knew he loved to fight and was extremely good at it usually breaking someone's ribs with 1 punch......
I would say that you're in an abusive relationship, when you are always tiptoing around the other person, when you weigh your words, when you feel yourself getting a knot in your stomach when their name is on the caller id, when your nervous system is on constant alert. When you only relax and take deep breaths, when you are away from a certain person. Once you recognise that you are "on the edge of your seat" around someone, that's not a good relationship.
I am literally in the process of leaving a horrifically abusive relationship. I have lost everything and im starting completely over. Ive never been so terrified in my life.panic attacks grip me at night. I shake and sweat from fear. I no longer trust myself. There are no words to acurately describe how this really feels. I wouldnt wish it on the worst person. Noone should ever feel this way.
I’ve been there sweetheart. Make your plans, be SAFE, leave quietly and let the police know you’re leaving. Find refuge with family/friends or a woman’s shelter. Do NOT tell him you’re leaving. Get a new number, change all your social media and block him. Delete him from your life completely. You’ve got this…big hugs ❤ stay safe xxx
as others said, it is so important to make a plan and leave quietly and as quickly as possible when he is not at home. You can let the police know ahead of time. Move far far away.
What a thoughtful, necessary discussion. Because it seems so many folks are regularly engaging in damaging behavior...but don't seem to deem it "abuse." So yes...let's re-educate on the definition.
I love Diane Langberg (an amazing psychologist that works with trauma survivors) definition of abuse. She says it’s Latin base means to misuse something. Abuse certainly speaks to this.
This is spot on. I really appreciate how it’s beginning to be widely accepted that abuse does not always involve a black eye. Emotional abuse can wreak havoc on your mental, emotional and physical health. Ask me how I know 🙄
It is important for anyone going though abuse to QUIETLY make a plan, get your documents out and stored and anything of value but do it secretly. Never leave the abuser during a fight because most people get killed doing this. You need to quietly make a plan and once you leave never look back. Do not contact that person again and do not tell anybody where you're going. You need to be very careful Because abusers also higher investigators and make up lies so they can find you. That is when your chances of death. Get out quietly, and never look back.
It's lot more complicated for people who have children with their abusive spouse or partner. If you up and leave with the children, that other parent can report you for kinapping. You have a limited amount of time to report to them that child's location.
Neglect is huge. My mom was mostly absent, neglectful then verbally and emotionally abusive. However, because I turned out so nice and successful I think people think neglect is not severe enough to identify or address.
People told me to my face, that I had a good relationship with my Mom because they never saw us fight. I hunted, hiked, gardened, slept in one of the maintained historical sites, and did school activities to never be home. I asked if even once they saw my Mom and I together ever and the answer was no. I said, "we didn't fight after I stopped having a relationship with her."
I think one of the main problems right now is that we try to make every issue a black and white issue. It either is or it isn’t. You get to feel or certain way or you don’t. It’s like we’ve forgotten to listen to people deal with situations on an individual level these days.
I don't view it as grey areas. I view it as individual areas. I think we are all individual in our perspective. Sometimes it lines up. But others it doesn't. Two people can have very different outlooks at the same time. I think our society isn't taught that it's okay to respect someone's perspective while holding our own. Sometimes that causes cognitive dissonance. But when you're at peace that everyone is an individualand your okay to be alone in that, it's okay. People go through this and encounter this, but don't recognize it. Hence why people usually run, break-up and stick with their version of the story. Then they flock together of who they agree with. But for me, recognizing people's individuality helps.
Why Modern Dating Needs A Makeover with Jillian Turecki podcast 5 Shocking Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man - Jonathon Aslay podcast How Healthy People Regulate -;Dr Ramani podcast How To Spot An Abuser On The First Date-Dr Sam Vaknin podcast Why Modern Relationships Are So Hard with Dr Stan Tatkin podcast 5 Signs He Will Break You Then Leave --Derrick Janx podcast Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD The Masculine Psychology Project podcast
Yes. Yes yes yes! People have completely forgotten nuance. If only things were as black and white as some people think they are! Good or bad, right or wrong, left or right. Things would be so simple. I honestly think that's why people try to simplify things...it's too confusing and difficult for them to deal with reality otherwise. It's a coping mechanism.
Abuse is determined by the intent and by the recipient. If someone is terrorized by clowns and another person dresses up like a clown to torture them - that’s abuse. If someone loves clowns and a friend dresses up as one - it’s not. It’s not the clown.
You sound like you're trying to justify abuse. Maybe your example makes sense in a way, but not everything is relative, there are strictly black and white things that are considered abuse, no matter how much someone "likes" them or tolerates them. For example physical violence, emotional violence (like demeaning, belittling, insulting, gaslighting, humiliating, guilt-tripping, manipulating someone or stepping over their boundaries etc.), financial abuse (like taking someone's hard earned money with the excuse that you're gonna manage it or forbidding someone form earning their own money with the excuse that you're gonna give them what they need etc.), 53×ual violence (marital я.а.р.э., 53×ual coercion, guilt tripping someone into having 53× with you cuz it's their "duty" or they owe it to you etc.).
It's always about having power over someone. Making someone question their own perspective...it involves diminishing someone. It's OK to treat THIS SPECIFIC person differently than you'd treat anyone else because they are LESS THAN regular people.
Yes - thank you for sharing because it perfectly validates a relationship that I'm in. This family member treats me like garbage (emotional and mental tactics) when no one's looking, but treats me OK in front of others. I've pushed back and she knows I'm on to her, so I'll have to be watchful as the tactics morph.
Intent is everything. It’s one thing to say something tactfully and honestly even though someone may not agree with that truth or want to hear it. That’s not abuse. But to say something with the thought of “I want you to hurt like I hurt” that’s abuse every time.
I got shamed by my family for staying with my abusive ex fiance for 5 yrs too long. I told them it's hard when your in a relationship like, it's hard to leave. they get you all twisted up and get you to question what your feeling and question how you can function without them. Once I said that they backed off, because they could see I had been feeling that I needed to leave but was convinced by him that I just needed to dig down and ignore those feelings. I even said I knew something was wrong after 2 months but I couldn't put my finger on what was the issue. After I left and had some time to really think back I could finally put my finger on it. It was manipulation and hypocrisy. But it was so subtle in the beginning I couldn't see till I got out of the relationship. Even my family saw it early on and they all said they really didn't like him from the get go because they could see how he was treating me. So like a few of your callers your body knows when something is not right, don't ignore that. Talk to your family and close friends, tell them that you have this feeling, this feeling that something bad is going on with the relationship. This will be the opener to allow your family and friends to tell you what they see. Don't ignore the feeling that somethings not right and don't tell the offender your feeling it because they will have you questioning your sanity at the end of the conversation. It was 5 yrs before I finally left but there was a lot of damage and 4 yrs onward I'm still healing and recovering. Infact I've stopped dating due to that, I need to get myself right with myself and God before I open myself back up to being vulnerable again. I'm scarred ill have another situation like my last one. I don't trust myself. My abuse was: Financial Sextual Verbal Isolating Gaslighting Emotional Manipulation Intellectual
Wishing the best of luck to you. I have friends that have gone through your situation and it sucks seeing them like that. I feel so helpless knowing they can find someone better but they choose to stay because they've invested so much into that relationship. I've seen people get out of the bad relationships and start new and it's a beautiful thing to see. You're on your way to a better life. Just you being able to finally see a clearer picture of things is putting you on a path to receive something greater. Best of luck again
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Just dealing with those behaviors in dating can be traumatizing for me even if I never enter an actual relationship with the person. It definitely makes it hard to date other people afterwards. But I love your advice on telling your friends and family about having a bad feeling about a person and giving them a chance to start a conversation. I think it's great advice and I'll definitely take it to heart. I'm happy you were able to get out of such a toxic situation alive too. I actually lost a friend to homicide last September when she was murdered by her boyfriend. It was her second abusive relationship, and for a few months I couldn't understand how she could be in a relationship with another abusive person after her previous boyfriend physically abused her so badly that she had to be hospitalized. She even had a degree in psychology, and people who were close to her tried to convince her to leave this second abusive guy. I now think that people sometimes fall in love with their unresolved issues. I think she fell in love with the idea of having an abusive, toxic person finally changing for the better with her to give her closure on her previous abusive relationship that didn't work out. I'm not 100% sure though since I'm certainly not an expert. Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you the best. 💕
For financial reasons and for us both to be able to see our son daily..for now I have to live with my ex...its hard...and its what I'd call...mostly mild verbal mental isolation and a bit of financial abuse..co parenting is a nightmare...I say here eat your veggies ...he orders junkfood...i say no swereing shouting be respectful...he gives him a high five for swereing and disobeying me...I say bed time turn off the tech...dad let's him stay up late..I'm looking forward to freedom in future.
@@Heavens-Humanaterian-Army amen girl, your child needs boundaries and consistency. Be ready for a fight once you leave. Your child will get sassy, angry, explosive, and say thwy like daddy better. Daddy is being the friend (manipulation to make the child hate you and love him - your always the bad guy, he's the fun guy) probably to set a tone so that once the child is old enough he'll get custody... another form of abuse that hell rub in your face again. Start out by saying I know your dad let's you do x, y, z but this is for your own good because I love you and want you to be the best little human you can be. And second be frank,and explain why dad's not around and why he won't ever be around again. Honesty works well with kids, they may be small but the "see" more then you think. Gain their trust and try to remain calm when the child puts up a tantrum because they can't have the Sweets or the tablet before bedtime.
Calling names like “fat” repeatedly. Threatening to call CPS because you tell them you’re leaving …: Calling someone “trash” telling her/him that she is the reason why it’s happening and she deserves it… call who? The hotlines are swamped. They’re a robot. And the wait is 45 minutes, plus.
I’m in a similar situation, it’s so insidious, it creeps up over the years and before you know it or can figure it out he’s blaming you for everything and speaking in a disrespectful way and raging. I truly feel I’m slowly dying every day being stuck with no way to get out. I’m too weak now with chronic fatigue syndrome. He’s worn me down completely 😢
If you are not familiar with emotional abuse, and how devastating it’s consequences are to families please read: “Healing From Hidden Abuse” and “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” (Biblically oriented) The authors crawled into my head after 40 years of an abusive marriage, took notes, and wrote their books. Just sayin’…..
I didn’t even know I was abused until it was over weirdest thing I’ve ever went through and trying to explain it to someone no not possible only when the dust settled was I able to see but still can’t explain it it’s satanic just disgusting
I have worked with thousands of cops, only two cops got this right. Cops are called, you separate the people, what's the first question a cop should ask, Quietly a cop should ask do you have access to money, if not then the victim can't get away. Financial Abuse is REAL, I know I lived it, no family, isolated he ran my friends off and had everything in his name only, never paid me in 10 years at our businesses, and never paid into my SSDI, ended up leaving me pregnant with choice abortion or him, "he said I don't have anyone in my life I can't use) the day I knew I'd never go back. He got away with hiding 6.5 million. I had no money, he took everything from me. You can't call someone when your motorized 24/7 Your friends leave after 10 years. He now is doing it to our 21 year old daughter, like me she dates not cross him. Sonoma County California pampers the Narc abuser, they often get custody because they are seasoned liars, he fooled every court ordered"profession".
That story about colleagues in a meeting, not seeing what the abuse is.... Be very careful with that. Some people with antisocial behaviour have perfect masks. And they have a sixth sense in that they smell people's psyche wounds, and can masterfully push people's buttons, right under everyone's nose.
When barking their soul out at you in insult with all their might is not enough for them to feel like an apology is owed to you and rather it gives way to a shrug and “This happens in all couples.” and back to typing on their cellphone, nothing else is worth staying with them. NOTHING.
I think the concept of a pattern is important. However, one single very cruel or harmful abusive act (a punch, a broken bone) can create a "pattern" in that the victim will always fear a repeat.
People need to be more self aware, when we are aware of our triggers we can look at situations that may seem offensive more objectively and be able to articulate our feeling clearer. Self accountability needs to be had from all of us.
There is also the pack mentality, where a group of people who have the same bias, tacitly agree on that thing, and because that value SUPPORTS their superior position to another person, a comment is made and then seconded by the rest of the group as a whole, to indignify that one outlier and keep that person subjugated, or "in their place." I'm describing how men exert dominance over a woman who deigns to acheive equal footing with "the guys."
I’ve had to deal with my ex and her husband having an abusive relationship and it spilling over onto my two almost teen children. My ex would call me and tell me about his control, and mental abuse to her and the kids, after 2 plus years I finally took the legal route and of course now I’m the bad guy and she has one of my kids convinced I’m just being vengeful.
Staying with an abuser is a choice. Religion is one reason used to take abuse. The other person was taught divorce will cause God to send him/her to hell. So to remain 'saved' the abuse is accepted. I know of several examples in my family.
I heard a statistic a in mental health conference stating that Christian women have the highest rate of staying in an abusive marriage. Their church leaders are who they go to first, once they have the courage to speak out. Church leaders are not usually equipped to recognize and deal with abusive relationships (especially verbal and emotional). Too many times scripture is misused or misinterpreted and she is left feeling shame or guilt for not "doing enough", "not trying harder," "not forgiving," "not being submissive," " not being an Eph. 5 wife as God commands," and on and on. Meanwhile her husband may be a "pillar" in the church and a controlling, bullying, manipulative, tyrant in the home. These women need to have a voice and NOT be dismissed if they describe behaviors that fit the patterns of abuse. Unfortunately, many don't even recognize what it is, they just know how it makes them feel.
Some people don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know what abuse looks like because they most likely came from a dis functional family system. What they think of as @ “normal” may indeed be abuse. Abuse can be very subtle and this is often the worst type of abuse because you are trained over time by the abuser to think that you are at fault or that something is wrong with YOU.
You, and the person you're referring to, clearly have no idea what scripture says on divorce. Don't bash religion (Christianity specifically) without first actually learning about it, you're incorrect and ignorant.
@evage99 I call BS on this. Religion is absolutely weaponized to make people accept abuse. And to suggest it's not is ignorant and dangerous on your part. Scripture clearly states divorce is on ok when infidelity is at play. Other behaviors are not condoned, but not cause for divorce You need to get more familiar with your Bible, it's pretty screwed up
I grew up in a culture that thinks a wife cannot say no to her husband when it comes to sex. She has to serve his needs in that regard. When I experienced this in my previous marriage I tried to convince that to myself because it was a norm but I couldn’t. It lead me to depression and loss of appetite. I forced myself to eat so I would be able to care for my kids. When I left that abusive relationship I told his side of the family that I was sexually abused and they were like, you were his wife he gets it when he wants it, it’s not about you. I wanted to vomit when I was told that by a young relative of his. She is also married with small kids so I am thinking she lives in that and believes that to this day. My body shut down and gave me signs that no it’s not ok. Even if the abuse is widely accepted in a culture our bodies will react to it negatively signaling this isn’t normal.
Thanks "Shame on you" My one line calling them out, displining adults, then I just walk away, free safe independent, live my life and choices. ❤😂🎉 Healing not hard, damn necessary. Doing my best always I've come head. Rebuilding financially, emotionally. Believe in yourself ❤️
I feel like abuse is the violation of another, and often centers around lack of care and respect, and power dynamics. I feel any situation where someone lacks their right to safety and their boundaries is abuse. Abuse removes agency.
Abuse is when you control people. When you hurt people in different forms like verbal (insults), physical, financial. Hurt people, hurt people. You are abused when you felt afraid, traumatized, harassed.
I have only 4 things I couldn't put a checkmark next to. Here's the thing I got out and instead of seeing myself and children as victims I made it part of my hero story. I can tell you its hard if you leave but you are worth it and there's always wonderful people that can help you on your journey. Don't do this alone, you have this
Abuse doesn't need to be deliberate. Sometimes people claim its unintended. Sometimes they are telling the truth, sometimes not. Limitations can mean its truly not intended, or the claim its unintended can be gasslighting. In the end, it doesn't matter if the person punching you sees it or not. Its still unsafe and need to stop.
What is abuse? Some basic questions to ask - what is the intent behind the act or talk? Is someone hurt (whether intended or not)? Is there equity in the relationship? Or not? Have endured and survived 2 abusive marriages and a couple of other abusive relationships. I know that I'm a bad chooser! My strategy in all abusive relationships was to leave. And now I don't trust my choosing ability or men in general, so I choose to remain single. When I left my first ex, it hurt my 2 sons and you could say that I was wrong to leave them. At the time there was so much in the media about boys that were raised by single mothers turning into gangsters and because I was working full time and carrying 12 units of college I decided to leave without them. So that was my abuse. At the same time, I didn't want my boys to see their mom be abused and I was NOT an absentee parent - I saw them every week except for a year and a half time span when I couldn't afford to travel and see them. But their story didn't end there - my oldest son died in 2014 in a motorcycle crash. My younger son has cut me off completely with a Cease and Desist letter from his attorney. I learned that men are without clue. My first ex husband was about to ask me to renew our vows when I told him I was leaving. He had coerced me into an abortion (where I had found adoptive parents.) He also committed sodomy twice - which is sexual abuse because I said NO but couldn't move when he got on top of me. That made me bleed for 3 weeks afterwards. I felt no love for him after that. When I left my second ex, he didn't remember bringing knives into our disagreements and he apologized for "being jealous". I left him after he brought a loaded .38 into our disagreement (which stemmed from him not remembering that before we got married, we both agreed that we would never live in Southern California - and then he changed his mind, got drunk and started a fight about wanting us to move there.). I don't know why my wins for our team made him jealous - what's that about? Just want to say - that sexual abuse is probably more common than people know because people don't speak about it. This is a crucial topic for women and I thank Dr. Deloney for bringing it up.
Same. If I ever get away I'll never be in another relationship ever again for fear of accidentally picking someone of the same caliber. I've discovered on this hell on earth rollercoaster journey spanning nearly 40 years that I don't need another person to complete me: I am enough.
Abuse is when a person is constrained not to be themselves. It is about a malignant wielding of power. And it is the sign of emotional weakness taken to the point of criminality.
I think it comes down to honest vulnerability from person 1 and person 2 to receive, want to understand, respect and empathize and avoid said behavior. If someone blows up for no reason that anyone can see, I’m betting they’re being abused by someone manipulative and are showing reactive “abuse” or are so traumatized from childhood that they’re delusional in the moment of fight of flight. Manipulative people are really good at pushing people to their limits insidiously, most people wouldn’t be able to see it.
True. Talked to my ex about a time he has thrown me down stairs and threatened my life over and over yet expects me to be over it and never talk about it and tells me I’m the reason he started being violent, it’s apparently all my fault according to him. So yes I agree he’s a narcissist and twists everything back onto the victim. It’s called gaslighting
I am also a scientist and completely agree with this guy’s logic about society’s current interpretation of abuse and how to approach it. I was also the kid he’s talking about. I’m middle aged and grew up with a drunk for a dad. We never knew when he’d be home or who he’d be when he did. He’d pull in the drive and my heart rate would spike. I’d hide. From my father. And he wasn’t physical or sexually abusive. But my body and brain were growing. My nervous system solidified inside that fucking chaos. I’ve spent decades trying to undo what those years did to my nervous system. I have treatment resistant MDD because of those years. And I think I’ll just have to live with this until death. It’s so insanely expensive. And you can’t tell your boss. You can tell a boss about cancer or diabetes, but not this. Not even today. It fucking sucks. So if you’re a parent reading this. If your partner is a drunk? Verbally abusive? Unpredictable? LEAVE. You are abusing your kids by staying. You are making them sick by staying. They will pay a price for the rest of their fucking lives, and all because you couldn’t find the courage to LEAVE.
What happens when you speak your needs and your spouse looks at you with bulging eyes and the look like they’re gonna rip your throat out? I’m scared to communicate with my spouse bc of the defensiveness, rage, and not wanting to get possibly get beat up.
It's why I make sure to tell people they are exhibiting abusive or bigoted behaviors without calling THEM an abuser till shown otherwise. People weaponize psych terms way too much and thats so uncomfortable to me personally.
I see what you're saying but I can't walk on eggshells trying to please everyone. At some point in time others have to realize that I, too, have my freedoms. I come from a family where feelings were weaponized, so I've learned to return weaponized feelings.
My ex-husband gave me the silent treatment from mid-2018. I asked him 4 times what was wrong, he said "nothing". My younger adult daughter copied him. They hid keys away, I only had access to the front door. I couldn't use the laundry room. He locked me out once, but I had predicted he would, so I kept my keys on me at all times. When he saw I'd got inside the house, he jeered and taunted me. He called me a f*cking parasite when I was in the same room as him. After lockdown in 2020 I started looking for accommodation and my lawyer told me to leave when I had found a place. I was divorced 15 month later. 🐦🙏✨🐾💖🌝💕
Well done , I'm glad you got away. It's sad your daughter gave you the same treatment, shame on her. Enjoy your freedom, at least now you will be able to see abuse a mile off. Take care.🤗
Maybe abuse is complete a disregard of a person's boundaries AND the intent to harm. Then definition 2 is A person willing to ignore another to the point of destruction. (i.e. a starving child.) Sometimes I push people's boundaries to encourage growth on their end. It can seem rude but my intent isn't to harm them but to encourage them in their own healing. (I.e.The friend who talks about dreams but never gets any work done toward that dream.) I go to jujitsu. Get bruises all over myself but the intent isn't to harm but to grow a skill. Verses getting thise same bruises in an assault. I also love roast comedy. It's really fun around the right people but not all people are ready for that. I'll test people and their humor. If I see they are sensitive, I won't joke like that. I miss it though. :( I give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes my own triggers got me flight or fight mode too. I get triggered when a man gets mad at me. Women can yell at me all day and I can remain calm. When a man yells at me, boy do I get angry 😐 Thankfully it's not a common occurrence because I can usually deescalate the situation through friendly talk. Sometimes I feel tempted to just be bluntly and unapologetically myself. Because our society is riddled with eggshells. But I know that's selfish and unhealthy. So here I am, living my life through a filter. But sometimes I get so annoyed. Hence why I'm looking for therapy. I just wanna be able to be honest again. I think honesty, even if it's ugly, dumb and rude ends up solving problems more than keeping a fake face in life. We live in a society of stature and fake faces. Everyone leaving their stinky laundry inside, piling up and rotting. That laundry needs to air out and dry. Like, even myself, want to avoid the things that would cause me embarrassment. But I'm beginning to feel like "oh well, I'm human and learning." and offer that same grace to everyone else. I think that definition of abuse might hold up. I don't know as many circumstances though since I'm not a psychologist and haven't worked with 1000s of people.
Also, someone brought up that people are individuals. I think we're all crazy imo. We gravitate towards people who think like us. That causes comfort. But what if we are with people who think entirely different? Don't they have their right to think the way they do as well? I think as far as law goes, America has the best (imo) We have our rights and property. Nobody can infringe on these. When it comes to relationships, individuality and psychology? That's when I think we're all crazy. Our perspective can be clouded in areas based off of traumatic past, hormones, and belief structure. And it's different for everyone person. For me, that's why I rely on living like the bible says. To be forgiving, patient and loving. Not self-seeking. Not quick to anger. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) Because it seems to be the only right way to handle the immense complexity that is human individuality.
Some abuse is subtle, but very deadly. Death by a thousand small cuts. If you grew up in a household where emotional and verbal abuse was common, you won't even recognize when it is happening, until the lightbulb turns on. That pit in your stomach you feel everyday, the walking on eggshells everyday, the subtle sarcastic remarks, the distainful looks every time you open your mouth to voice your own opinion, your own beliefs and ideas, the instant scan of his face every morning (you got to be an expert at at when you were little) to try to gage his mood, feeling SO responsible for his moods, his anger, his rage. So glad when you do a face scan and receive a reward of one of his "happy" days, always wondering what you did wrong and what can you do next to make the relationship better, make him feel better. Watch Deadwater Fells and see how an abusive spouse can destroy his wife on a daily basis. It was subtle, and done so only she could hear & feel the full effect. Everyone thought he was the best thing since white bread. He killed her and their kids. Just before he killed his wife, after killing his kids, he tells her the reason he killed them was because she was such a horrible mom and didn't deserve them. His final blow to her self worth.
What about being on the receiving end of constant criticism, that's just subtly sarcastic or almost innocuous yet it's there over and over, daily, weekly for years. They aren't doing it with intent, it's part of their own depression and self- conscious nature that they're trying to protect on you, because you being comfortable in your own skin is something where they just can't relate and it makes them jealous.
Honestly I think my husband was envious of my career and independence. Unfortunately I lost respect for him for many reasons, hard to get it back when it became a horrible pattern of unhealthy communication patterns. He became controlling, emotionally unavailable, and intimidating. Simple household chores flashpoint of constant argument and criticism. Built up over the years.
Yes patterns of subtle put-downs, sarcasm, teasing with no regard or awareness that it bothers you is abuse. The purpose is chip away at your self-esteem and keep you off-balance
My son is in an abusive relationship. His wife is isolating him more and more. He doesn’t look the same- he looks tired all the time. I have never been someone to intervene in his relationships. I believe in allowing people to find their way but my heart is aching on this. I don’t know how to help. She monitors our interactions. Before there is judgement…he is a good, loyal man who takes his marriage vows seriously.
Unfortunately people don't reach out beaceuse they feel ashamed & they don't want to be judged. And if they do seek help they want someone to sympathize with them which lessens their emotional pain.
The issue with intent is it can't be proven. It's not clear cut and plainly seen. The truth is we are all abusive at times. Anything that seeks to bring down another or make someone wrong or condemn them is abusive. Shame, guilt, judgment, resentment, fear mongering, threats, all fall in the category of abuse. Anything that stems from our own state of fear which then turns into a desire to control another is abusive.
Abuse- if it’s not nurturing it’s abusive. Period end of discussion. That doesn’t mean you can’t say tough things, you do it with love and regard for the other person. Dave is not generally abusive, but he has regard for the wellbeing of the the other.
I work with people to assist them in overcome emotional issues & achieve their dreams, this is topic that surfaces as we discuss healthy vs toxic relationships. There is a difference between boundaries & abuse. Overstepping a boundary or comfort zone doesn't automatically equate to abuse. Neglect, dismissiveness, stonewalling, withholding,.... can definitely be abuse/abusive, but may not be. Neglecting to call or take out the garbage may be just rude, but isn't 'abuse'. Pushing people past their comfort zones can be rude or it can be abusive. I agree with John that context is a determining factor. If you are teasing someone, and the other individual isn't laughing, you are likely overstepping a boundary. If you are pressing someone for a particular outcome and they are reluctant, pressing them harder is rude(unless it's their responsibility, then it's appropriate (self) advocacy & assertiveness. A good discussion. Ask people for their consent when possible, don't make assumptions.
I've recently come to realize that my marriage is worse than I thought. He's had to go out of town 3 times this year and I've been home by myself. The relief I've felt while he's been gone is palpable, my anxiety drops and I feel freer mentally. He's a deeply unpleasant person to be around. I'm even able to take less of my anxiety medication. He's definitely emotionally abusive and verbally despite not often calling me names. I'm disabled and I'm not sure if him not helping me when I need it would be considered abuse or not
I know that intent and consistency are key to pinpoint abuse. It isn’t a matter of feelings. It’s facts. Patterns, history of behavior, real reactions to it, victim’s symptoms, etc. are clear. Abuse isn’t episodic, sporadic. Abuse is abuse. Everything else may be violence, but isn’t abuse.
I’m an abuse survivor of sexual trauma, emotional abuse and financial abuse. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s one of the worst experiences to ever go through. Recognizing the behavior is key though and having the strength to leave right away before it gets worse.
Years of that with my husband, mixed with abuse by his inlaws. My world has cried and jaws have hit floors over treatment towards me. I have all but cut off his world, but a couple friends.
@@hillary1161 yes, abusive in-laws always seem to come along with an abusive spouse. I was in it for 30 yrs. Been out of it for 3 yrs. Dr. Doug Weiss on RUclips talks about intimacy anorexia. That’s what my ex has & yours might to. That’s when a person shuts you off emotionally, spiritually & sexually. Most are men who do this. Porn is usually at the heart of it… I just recently got all of my passions back. Back to working out & other things. You’ll get yours back too, hang in there!
What about mental health issues? I know someone who is only hateful, mean and disrespectful when in severe bipolar mania, and when he's level and himself, he's great.
In my experience abuse is unintentional more often than it is intentional. That's why that definition is not helpful. Most people don't want to destroy another
I agree with you. It is really hard when someone says "You are the most important person in my life" after years pushing me away because of a substance problem. A terrible cycle of disrespect, contempt, anger and resentment.
The diminishing of your colleague is not ok- probably the boss was toxic and was insulting her with something he knew will trigger her, and is only known to both of them
Reactive Abuse is a very real thing . Even the most resilient childhood trauma survivors often find themselves as unwitting victims in long term abusive marriages (if they haven’t received adequate therapy and picked the wrong person) and then the script gets flipped on them when they finally find the strength to stand up for themselves once embarking upon their own healing journey. This is something that I don’t hear discussed very often. Covert narcissists are manipulative to their core and love to poke another person’s trauma wounds to incite a reaction and then sit back and play the victim. Anyone who intentionally and repeatedly harms you and then tries to throw you under the bus and blame your reactions on your own traumatic past is dangerous. Guess what though? Thanks to these horrible situations (which we unknowingly took part in choosing), we can learn to heal our overreactive trauma coping mechanisms and come out stronger and more healed in the end. Hopefully we can eventually all leave as better versions of ourselves after it’s all said and done.
I was abused for over 10 years. I never once reacted except with apologies and self blame. I never once yelled, criticized, or asked for my needs. I felt worthy of nothing, and spent all of my time giving and supporting, every time I was criticized, I took it like a champ and fixed myself. Then one day, I snapped. I started to yell back. I started to tell him all the things he’s going wrong. I started to stand up for myself. As soon as that happened, he called me an abuser. He recorded me without telling me and would show our therapist. They diagnosed me as a narcissist. I was told everyday that I was cold and unempathetic. I believed them and tried for years to change. I thought I better die because I seem to be so scared of him and everyone else all the time. Now I am very confused. Because if I look back, I see I was abused. But I can never think of myself as the victim. Because the only recordings he has are of me yelling and defending myself. And all the communication when I believed I was a narcissist and admitted I must be one. When we got divorced, I willingly gave him all the assets. I am deeply scared. Whenever I tell my story, which I’ve only done once or twice, I am told I’m acting like the victim. So I don’t tell anyone. My entire life is a ball of confusion.
I didn’t realize that I was abused by my mom until I had my first child and I heard my mom say the things she used to say to me. Then I told my mother that unless she changed her behavior she would not be seeing my daughter.
Well done ❤
Thanks to youtube you likely won't see this but here is my attempt, me too. I couldn't understand once I had a child how you could say and do such things to a child. That is when I realized it was never right, or okay.
@@Calmandcoolheaded
Good for you!
Good for you. It's not easy to say but you're worth to be treated with respect as a human.
Abuse = “a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another.”
My husband doesn’t talk to me. We sleep in separate rooms. He leaves for work first no goodby. Watches a lot of TV. Talks to others. I pay more of the bills because I make more. We have a joint account. I only use. I have no idea of his accounts passwords. I’m seeing a Christian Counselor. He calls me a hypocrite because I go to church. I do get angry at times because he doesn’t engage at all. He doesn’t believe in God. 2 boys in their 20s 1 still at home graduates from college in May. He is an unbeliever. We are opposite in almost everything. His fun is drinking. I’ve kept busy with work, volunteer work, Bible study. I feel my heart rate go up when I see his car in garage. As a Christian I don’t have grounds for a divorce. I’m sad and lonely. I’m trying to just be quiet purge my house and think about what I should do. Hard
@@svwerner2877That sound hard. Everyone has different values but there may be times when a divorce could be seen as the most compassionate and loving decision for all involved. Our well-being is important.
@@svwerner2877That is hard 💔, and it seems like he has checked out of the relationship.
Anoint his bed with oil and pray over it and him every day.
What does he do if you treat him like a beloved enemy? (Love your enemy. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you".)
If you, for at least forty days blessed him in a variety of ways that you know please him - Like dinner at a certain time. Particular foods, setting the table.... basically - What is his love language? Do things that touch his love language consistently for at least 40 days and see if he responds at all, or if he's done. (Look up The Love Dare). 🙏
@@svwerner2877 I'm so torn when I hear things like this. I'm a Christian too, but I believe in a loving God. Does He want you to suffer like this? He hurts when we hurt, doesn't He? He's also forgiving. Would he forgive you for divorcing? Idk, one's faith is such a personal thing. I hope you can find some peace, in whatever way you see fit ❤
That’s exactly it. It’s very simple. Power dynamics.
Respect is key. At the point where you feel that your husband or wife or spouse no longer respects you, appreciates you, or crosses the boundaries of respect, or feels okay to humiliate you, that's abuse.
You are right but there is one issue. The term respect is very subjective and may vary from person to person. Some people even use these words to force other people to walk on eggshells around them. I remember I was called disrespectful for about anything I did that was perceived negative from simple criticism to silly jokes or just voicing a complaint. I now reach a point where I crisps each time I hear the word respect because I was surrounded by toxic people who weaponise this word to force people to behave the way they want
Trust and respect are the foundations of healthy relationships You deserve to be safe.Stop allowing tenure hold you hostage to disrespect and abuse. We cannot fix, save, change or heal anyone. That is their responsibility. The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. You cannot change another person. Personality and character is fixed. Behavior can be modified.
Healthy relationships require mutual compatibility, emotional maturity, and relationship skills. What you will experience with someone over time is what's internal. Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success. Shared core values emotional maturity and a blendable lifestyle is compatibility. Equality, mutuality and reciprocity is a healthy relationship.
Abuse of any type should never be tolerated. You're worth more than this.
Self love is a vaccine to emotional chaos. ❤️
Why Modern Dating Needs A Makeover with Jillian Turecki podcast
The Pitfalls Of Modern Dating - Jonathon Aslay and Destiny podcast
How Your Childhood Trauma Effects Your Love Choices - Jonathon Aslay and Sabrina Risling podcast
5 Shocking Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man - Jonathon Aslay podcast
7 Signs He's A Safe Man And That You Can Trust Him - Jonathon Aslay podcast ♥️
How Healthy People Regulate - Dr Ramani podcast
8 Common Types Of Trauma Bonds - Dr Ramani podcast
Coercive Control - Dr Ramani podcast
How To Spot An Abuser On The First Date-Dr Sam Vaknin podcast
Why You Attract Certain People-Kenny Weiss podcast
5 Signs He Will Break You Then Leave- , Derrick Janx podcast
What Love Is Not - Dr Sam Vaknin podcast
Never Forgive Infidelity Cheating--- Dr Sam Vaknin podcast
Personal development is transformative and empowering.
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Wired For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Dating For Love by Dr Stan Tatkin
Attached by Amir Levine
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix - IMAGO
Non Violent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg PhD
I Hear You by Micheal Sorenson
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
What The Heck Is Self Love Anyways? Jonathon Aslay
@@Bluesnakes333hope you meant ex partner.
respect isn’t subjective. But the term can certainly be twisted and weaponize by an abuser. What we used to call ‘respect’ (doing what someone wants out of fear - I.e. my dad will spank me if I don’t get the chores done) would now be considered abuse.
Respect is earned after trust it destroyed
Abuse is a manipulative pattern where one person has been told how they harm the other person and they choose to keep doing it anyway. If someone knows something deeply hurts you and they do it again, it is abuse and it is definitely intentional no matter what they say.
Depending on what they're requiring.
There are some things I will never do even if SO claims it hurts them if I don't... because it's wrong. End of.
Other things, absolutely true.
@@JML542there’s a difference here - when it’s abuse the person is doing something that hurts you and refuses to stop. It doesn’t apply if they want you to do something
@parsnipproductions8875 So for instance, say an SO claims that it hurts them if I look after our farm animals when they are sick or injured, because it takes time away from the significant other even if done for only fifteen minutes in a day... So the SO wanted me to stop doing that. (Pure jealousy). But I would never stop treating an animal that needed help even if the SO says it hurts their feelings. Because to not look after the animals that we have chosen to shepherd would be abuse in and of itself.
In this case, I would know that what I was doing hurt the SO, but it would be morally wrong to stop doing it. That is why I've put forward an "it depends" statement. Whether it's doing or not doing something, sometimes it's wrong to do or stop doing even if the other person doesn't like it.
@@parsnipproductions8875 ⬆️
@@parsnipproductions8875 ⬆️
I was abused for 36 years, and I didn't even realize it. He did all the things you mentioned in this video to me except hitting me. No one believed me. I left almost 5 years ago, and I am still healing. A broken bone heals quicker than a broke spirit 😢
I’m just in the process of leaving a very abusive relationship. Holding onto my sanity by a thread… I understand you when you say no one believed you! My husband presents himself as a very different person outside the home, and a lot of people believe that version… I honestly can’t wait to get out…
Many prayers sent your way!
acknowledging your bravery!!! so proud of you. best of luck on your healing journey!!!!!!!
My husband controls the money. Controls who I hang out with. Emotionally neglects me. He won't kiss or hold my hand. My Austistic was hitting me over 10years finally late 2022 he finally accepts to let my son get on medicine. I've had a 3 months break from my son hitting me. My son had slight brain damage at birth is severely autistic. 😢
22 yrs left last summer
“Call somebody” is the best advice ever. Once I told people, it gave me the strength I needed to leave
Make sure you call someone on the outside!!! Don’t ask normal friends or people that know the person! Big big mistake if very covert abuse! Always ask someone on the outside and ask a few people!
Ok ,I will try that ....
@@Portia620exactly! I can relate to that!
I was being mentally abused by my husband of 10 years and I decided to face time my mom so he could back off he was triggering me and intentionally saying bad things so I snitched him out to my mom now he’s embarrassed of himself
When i was 10 months married I prepared as usual a lovely dinner for my husband, made a big fuss over him. I put my arms around his neck from behind. He pushed me away from him so hard that I ended up across the room hitting a sideboard and was in shock. I asked him what I had done wrong...he said I was smothering him with affection. That abuse changed everything for me. I had a horrible marriage with this prick and finally left the house with all my children. Needless to say he continued to make my life very difficult. I finally divorced him and I can now breathe 😢😢
You should have left the moment he pushed you . Not after all the kids and years of misery
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but congrats for leaving and restarting your life!
Listening to when your body feels like it needs to protect itself is so key. My body is often correct and recognizes the gravity of the situation before my brain does
This.
Yes, I can relate to this..
I dealt with both emotional abuse and gaslighting. It’s crazy because I never saw that coming nor did I ever think I would be in a situation like that. Now I know what to look for to avoid a situation like that again.
Yes, me too. The verbal/emotional abuse is strangely vague and amorphous, and yet very heavy and real. I never would’ve thought I’d be in a relationship like that. And it was hard to explain what was happening to others, especially when the gaslighting and projection had me questioning myself. So I didn’t really try to tell anyone.
I left my narcissistic ex-fiancé/son’s father 11 years ago. I’ve learned how to ‘manage’ him. To this day he says I left for no good reason. But I know I left an abusive, or at least very toxic, relationship that only would’ve gotten worse.
Someone believing they’re being abused doesn’t mean they actually are
@@billymabum3514 What you've just stated is referred to as"gaslighting."
I left a long time emotionally abusive relationship last month. Still the best thing I’ve ever done. This just makes me think about how he refused to see himself as abusive. Even in the end, he couldn’t see it, and had to make sure that I took responsibility in abuse too. Of course it all goes both ways. I can be passive aggressive, I wouldn’t consider that abuse, but it makes the emotional abuse list. Anyway, all this to say. Thank god I left, and I’m trying to be vigilant. I’m also trying to be stronger around my triggers. Someone in my hotel who slams a door to their room shouldn’t have me in tears in my room. But it affects me still.
recognizing red flags in your partners is one thing. recognizing red flags in yourself is another. people need to be kind to themselves and others.
Yes and after abuse we can be very sick and need to really analyze what needs to change 🙏🙏. Been 7 or 8 years of constant (daily work to heal!!) it’s not over either and more frustration now with my mistakes.
Relationships can be so beautiful. Being loved and loving someone is easy. Life circumstances can be difficult, but loving the right man is wonderful.
Consciously remaining permanently single devoted to the Lord is even better.
Is not good to stay expecting the person to change...
Is not good to stay because you don't want people to know what happened.
I stayed too long.
Sometimes people can't reach out because they can't afford to set up a new life.. and its worse in situations where the abuse is more subtle so there's less emotional motivation as well...talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Yes and also they usually target people who already have pretty abusive family members or friends so they are much easier to isolate
Right, or you have children and you know you can't let them go live with with him and his other women 50%of the time. They'd be ruined. Better to suffer myself then leave them to the wolves.
First and second marriage was abusive. No more . I don’t trust myself anymore. I’m staying single.
Did you see signs before you got married ?
The guy wno showers you with attention and you think he's not controlling, he just cares.
@@nimanixo Probably not. It's insidious the way it starts - it morphes and grows like a poisonous toadstool.
Wise choice and I can totally relate!
Omw there
Abuse is intentionally harming through an action but also when a person is withholding something that is vital for the wellbeing of others. Sitting and eating chips not caring about what your kid is feeling is withholding love and care.
So it involves both, doing something and not doing something.
Humiliation might be abuse, whether in a private or public setting.
Humiliation is for sure abuse.
My mother humiliates me to threads , then shortly apologizes.
That's definitely abuse. Especially if you've expressed that you're humiliated and it still continues.
@judithnabweza8031 honestly stay away from her you deserve better
Abuse in my book
My husband is neglectful, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me at various points in our relationship. I am getting to the point where I no longer want to be with him. He just doesn’t get it. He is delusional when it comes to his behavior. He takes no accountability and blames everything on me. He can’t even apologize.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿❤️ perhaps a trial separation would help clear your head and be a time of healing
Sounds like classic narcissistic abuse
My ex wife did this . Didn’t apologize at all . I got tired of it and left..
Narcisist
Then it is your responsibility alone to leave the abusive relationship. I had to go to a homeless shelter in order to leave mine and it helped me get on my feet being independent. If you continue to stay than it is you that becomes delusional and incapable of taking Responsibility for your own actions, those actions would be staying in an abusive relationship
I really don’t like bullies. I was on a job site where the boss was yelling and cussing at his employees. It was over 15 guys on the site. I listened to him yell for about 2 hrs. After two hours of listening to him. I took the water hose and sprayed this guy down with water. He came up to me and said what are you doing? I told him in front of the other guys that I would do harm to him if he didn’t stop abusing his guys. Long story short, the guys came up to me and thanked me for standing up for them. He stopped and was good for the remainder of the job.
It's a good thing it wasn't the Irish italion boss I knew he loved to fight and was extremely good at it usually breaking someone's ribs with 1 punch......
I would say that you're in an abusive relationship, when you are always tiptoing around the other person, when you weigh your words, when you feel yourself getting a knot in your stomach when their name is on the caller id, when your nervous system is on constant alert.
When you only relax and take deep breaths, when you are away from a certain person.
Once you recognise that you are "on the edge of your seat" around someone, that's not a good relationship.
I am literally in the process of leaving a horrifically abusive relationship. I have lost everything and im starting completely over. Ive never been so terrified in my life.panic attacks grip me at night. I shake and sweat from fear. I no longer trust myself. There are no words to acurately describe how this really feels. I wouldnt wish it on the worst person. Noone should ever feel this way.
I’m so sorry. You’re gonna make it through this ♥️
I’ve been there sweetheart. Make your plans, be SAFE, leave quietly and let the police know you’re leaving. Find refuge with family/friends or a woman’s shelter. Do NOT tell him you’re leaving.
Get a new number, change all your social media and block him.
Delete him from your life completely.
You’ve got this…big hugs ❤ stay safe xxx
how are you doing now?
as others said, it is so important to make a plan and leave quietly and as quickly as possible when he is not at home. You can let the police know ahead of time. Move far far away.
😢 keep going, leave them if they’re causing you all of this trouble, don’t give up on yourself
What a thoughtful, necessary discussion. Because it seems so many folks are regularly engaging in damaging behavior...but don't seem to deem it "abuse." So yes...let's re-educate on the definition.
I love Diane Langberg (an amazing psychologist that works with trauma survivors) definition of abuse. She says it’s Latin base means to misuse something. Abuse certainly speaks to this.
This is spot on. I really appreciate how it’s beginning to be widely accepted that abuse does not always involve a black eye. Emotional abuse can wreak havoc on your mental, emotional and physical health. Ask me how I know 🙄
It is important for anyone going though abuse to QUIETLY make a plan, get your documents out and stored and anything of value but do it secretly. Never leave the abuser during a fight because most people get killed doing this. You need to quietly make a plan and once you leave never look back. Do not contact that person again and do not tell anybody where you're going. You need to be very careful Because abusers also higher investigators and make up lies so they can find you. That is when your chances of death. Get out quietly, and never look back.
It's lot more complicated for people who have children with their abusive spouse or partner. If you up and leave with the children, that other parent can report you for kinapping. You have a limited amount of time to report to them that child's location.
Neglect is huge. My mom was mostly absent, neglectful then verbally and emotionally abusive. However, because I turned out so nice and successful I think people think neglect is not severe enough to identify or address.
People told me to my face, that I had a good relationship with my Mom because they never saw us fight. I hunted, hiked, gardened, slept in one of the maintained historical sites, and did school activities to never be home. I asked if even once they saw my Mom and I together ever and the answer was no. I said, "we didn't fight after I stopped having a relationship with her."
@rayf6126 yes I used to spend hours at Barnes noble or the beach etc just to delay going home.
I think one of the main problems right now is that we try to make every issue a black and white issue. It either is or it isn’t. You get to feel or certain way or you don’t. It’s like we’ve forgotten to listen to people deal with situations on an individual level these days.
Yes often times there’s is much gray area.
I don't view it as grey areas. I view it as individual areas.
I think we are all individual in our perspective. Sometimes it lines up. But others it doesn't.
Two people can have very different outlooks at the same time. I think our society isn't taught that it's okay to respect someone's perspective while holding our own.
Sometimes that causes cognitive dissonance. But when you're at peace that everyone is an individualand your okay to be alone in that, it's okay.
People go through this and encounter this, but don't recognize it. Hence why people usually run, break-up and stick with their version of the story. Then they flock together of who they agree with.
But for me, recognizing people's individuality helps.
I mean if you do any of the things he listed it is pretty black and white.
Why Modern Dating Needs A Makeover with Jillian Turecki podcast
5 Shocking Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man - Jonathon Aslay podcast
How Healthy People Regulate -;Dr Ramani podcast
How To Spot An Abuser On The First Date-Dr Sam Vaknin podcast
Why Modern Relationships Are So Hard with Dr Stan Tatkin podcast
5 Signs He Will Break You Then Leave --Derrick Janx podcast
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD The Masculine Psychology Project podcast
Yes. Yes yes yes! People have completely forgotten nuance. If only things were as black and white as some people think they are! Good or bad, right or wrong, left or right. Things would be so simple. I honestly think that's why people try to simplify things...it's too confusing and difficult for them to deal with reality otherwise. It's a coping mechanism.
Abuse is determined by the intent and by the recipient. If someone is terrorized by clowns and another person dresses up like a clown to torture them - that’s abuse. If someone loves clowns and a friend dresses up as one - it’s not.
It’s not the clown.
You sound like you're trying to justify abuse. Maybe your example makes sense in a way, but not everything is relative, there are strictly black and white things that are considered abuse, no matter how much someone "likes" them or tolerates them. For example physical violence, emotional violence (like demeaning, belittling, insulting, gaslighting, humiliating, guilt-tripping, manipulating someone or stepping over their boundaries etc.), financial abuse (like taking someone's hard earned money with the excuse that you're gonna manage it or forbidding someone form earning their own money with the excuse that you're gonna give them what they need etc.), 53×ual violence (marital я.а.р.э., 53×ual coercion, guilt tripping someone into having 53× with you cuz it's their "duty" or they owe it to you etc.).
No one likes being hit so that doesn’t make sense
@@nimanixo BDSM?
@@tracymcnichol1560 what has that got to do with being kicked in the stomach by your husband ?
It's always about having power over someone. Making someone question their own perspective...it involves diminishing someone. It's OK to treat THIS SPECIFIC person differently than you'd treat anyone else because they are LESS THAN regular people.
Yes - thank you for sharing because it perfectly validates a relationship that I'm in. This family member treats me like garbage (emotional and mental tactics) when no one's looking, but treats me OK in front of others. I've pushed back and she knows I'm on to her, so I'll have to be watchful as the tactics morph.
This is a precise description 🎉
a pattern of behavior whether intentional or not that when brought up is either denied or not recognized and fixed. Period.
Always provides clarity for me to define abuse as 'misuse.' Fits neglect and all the nuance in between.
Intent is everything. It’s one thing to say something tactfully and honestly even though someone may not agree with that truth or want to hear it. That’s not abuse. But to say something with the thought of “I want you to hurt like I hurt” that’s abuse every time.
I got shamed by my family for staying with my abusive ex fiance for 5 yrs too long. I told them it's hard when your in a relationship like, it's hard to leave. they get you all twisted up and get you to question what your feeling and question how you can function without them. Once I said that they backed off, because they could see I had been feeling that I needed to leave but was convinced by him that I just needed to dig down and ignore those feelings. I even said I knew something was wrong after 2 months but I couldn't put my finger on what was the issue. After I left and had some time to really think back I could finally put my finger on it. It was manipulation and hypocrisy. But it was so subtle in the beginning I couldn't see till I got out of the relationship. Even my family saw it early on and they all said they really didn't like him from the get go because they could see how he was treating me.
So like a few of your callers your body knows when something is not right, don't ignore that. Talk to your family and close friends, tell them that you have this feeling, this feeling that something bad is going on with the relationship. This will be the opener to allow your family and friends to tell you what they see. Don't ignore the feeling that somethings not right and don't tell the offender your feeling it because they will have you questioning your sanity at the end of the conversation. It was 5 yrs before I finally left but there was a lot of damage and 4 yrs onward I'm still healing and recovering. Infact I've stopped dating due to that, I need to get myself right with myself and God before I open myself back up to being vulnerable again. I'm scarred ill have another situation like my last one. I don't trust myself.
My abuse was:
Financial
Sextual
Verbal
Isolating
Gaslighting
Emotional
Manipulation
Intellectual
Wishing the best of luck to you. I have friends that have gone through your situation and it sucks seeing them like that. I feel so helpless knowing they can find someone better but they choose to stay because they've invested so much into that relationship. I've seen people get out of the bad relationships and start new and it's a beautiful thing to see. You're on your way to a better life. Just you being able to finally see a clearer picture of things is putting you on a path to receive something greater. Best of luck again
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Just dealing with those behaviors in dating can be traumatizing for me even if I never enter an actual relationship with the person. It definitely makes it hard to date other people afterwards. But I love your advice on telling your friends and family about having a bad feeling about a person and giving them a chance to start a conversation. I think it's great advice and I'll definitely take it to heart.
I'm happy you were able to get out of such a toxic situation alive too. I actually lost a friend to homicide last September when she was murdered by her boyfriend. It was her second abusive relationship, and for a few months I couldn't understand how she could be in a relationship with another abusive person after her previous boyfriend physically abused her so badly that she had to be hospitalized. She even had a degree in psychology, and people who were close to her tried to convince her to leave this second abusive guy. I now think that people sometimes fall in love with their unresolved issues. I think she fell in love with the idea of having an abusive, toxic person finally changing for the better with her to give her closure on her previous abusive relationship that didn't work out. I'm not 100% sure though since I'm certainly not an expert.
Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you the best. 💕
Sending you so much love and surport sister.💖🌈🦋💕💝
For financial reasons and for us both to be able to see our son daily..for now I have to live with my ex...its hard...and its what I'd call...mostly mild verbal mental isolation and a bit of financial abuse..co parenting is a nightmare...I say here eat your veggies ...he orders junkfood...i say no swereing shouting be respectful...he gives him a high five for swereing and disobeying me...I say bed time turn off the tech...dad let's him stay up late..I'm looking forward to freedom in future.
@@Heavens-Humanaterian-Army amen girl, your child needs boundaries and consistency. Be ready for a fight once you leave. Your child will get sassy, angry, explosive, and say thwy like daddy better. Daddy is being the friend (manipulation to make the child hate you and love him - your always the bad guy, he's the fun guy) probably to set a tone so that once the child is old enough he'll get custody... another form of abuse that hell rub in your face again. Start out by saying I know your dad let's you do x, y, z but this is for your own good because I love you and want you to be the best little human you can be. And second be frank,and explain why dad's not around and why he won't ever be around again. Honesty works well with kids, they may be small but the "see" more then you think. Gain their trust and try to remain calm when the child puts up a tantrum because they can't have the Sweets or the tablet before bedtime.
Calling names like “fat” repeatedly. Threatening to call CPS because you tell them you’re leaving …: Calling someone “trash” telling her/him that she is the reason why it’s happening and she deserves it… call who? The hotlines are swamped. They’re a robot. And the wait is 45 minutes, plus.
I’m in a similar situation, it’s so insidious, it creeps up over the years and before you know it or can figure it out he’s blaming you for everything and speaking in a disrespectful way and raging. I truly feel I’m slowly dying every day being stuck with no way to get out. I’m too weak now with chronic fatigue syndrome. He’s worn me down completely 😢
Are you okay now? Did you leave in the end?
If you are not familiar with emotional abuse, and how devastating it’s consequences are to families please read:
“Healing From Hidden Abuse” and
“The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” (Biblically oriented)
The authors crawled into my head after 40 years of an abusive marriage, took notes, and wrote their books. Just sayin’…..
I didn’t even know I was abused until it was over weirdest thing I’ve ever went through and trying to explain it to someone no not possible only when the dust settled was I able to see but still can’t explain it it’s satanic just disgusting
Your colleague experienced a trigger of an abuse. Which is why non of you were triggered by it or saw abuse
Excellent point. The colleague wasn't abused - the colleague was triggered.
My dad was abusive and i have only been with abusive men all my life I’m desentering men from my life as i am so traumatised.
I have worked with thousands of cops, only two cops got this right.
Cops are called, you separate the people, what's the first question a cop should ask, Quietly a cop should ask do you have access to money, if not then the victim can't get away. Financial Abuse is REAL, I know I lived it, no family, isolated he ran my friends off and had everything in his name only, never paid me in 10 years at our businesses, and never paid into my SSDI, ended up leaving me pregnant with choice abortion or him, "he said I don't have anyone in my life I can't use) the day I knew I'd never go back. He got away with hiding 6.5 million.
I had no money, he took everything from me.
You can't call someone when your motorized 24/7
Your friends leave after 10 years. He now is doing it to our 21 year old daughter, like me she dates not cross him. Sonoma County California pampers the Narc abuser, they often get custody because they are seasoned liars, he fooled every court ordered"profession".
That story about colleagues in a meeting, not seeing what the abuse is.... Be very careful with that. Some people with antisocial behaviour have perfect masks. And they have a sixth sense in that they smell people's psyche wounds, and can masterfully push people's buttons, right under everyone's nose.
When barking their soul out at you in insult with all their might is not enough for them to feel like an apology is owed to you and rather it gives way to a shrug and “This happens in all couples.” and back to typing on their cellphone, nothing else is worth staying with them. NOTHING.
I think the concept of a pattern is important. However, one single very cruel or harmful abusive act (a punch, a broken bone) can create a "pattern" in that the victim will always fear a repeat.
People need to be more self aware, when we are aware of our triggers we can look at situations that may seem offensive more objectively and be able to articulate our feeling clearer. Self accountability needs to be had from all of us.
So appreciate the acknowledgment of neglect!! This aspect is so so critical.
I'm so glad you mentioned fight, flight, freeze AND fawn. Fawn is so often overlooked
There is also the pack mentality, where a group of people who have the same bias, tacitly agree on that thing, and because that value SUPPORTS their superior position to another person, a comment is made and then seconded by the rest of the group as a whole, to indignify that one outlier and keep that person subjugated, or "in their place."
I'm describing how men exert dominance over a woman who deigns to acheive equal footing with "the guys."
Thank you for clearly stating/acknowledging that neglect is abuse. 🙏
Yes 👏 neglect is abuse thank you
I’ve had to deal with my ex and her husband having an abusive relationship and it spilling over onto my two almost teen children. My ex would call me and tell me about his control, and mental abuse to her and the kids, after 2 plus years I finally took the legal route and of course now I’m the bad guy and she has one of my kids convinced I’m just being vengeful.
Staying with an abuser is a choice. Religion is one reason used to take abuse. The other person was taught divorce will cause God to send him/her to hell. So to remain 'saved' the abuse is accepted. I know of several examples in my family.
I heard a statistic a in mental health conference stating that Christian women have the highest rate of staying in an abusive marriage. Their church leaders are who they go to first, once they have the courage to speak out. Church leaders are not usually equipped to recognize and deal with abusive relationships (especially verbal and emotional). Too many times scripture is misused or misinterpreted and she is left feeling shame or guilt for not "doing enough", "not trying harder," "not forgiving," "not being submissive," " not being an Eph. 5 wife as God commands," and on and on. Meanwhile her husband may be a "pillar" in the church and a controlling, bullying, manipulative, tyrant in the home. These women need to have a voice and NOT be dismissed if they describe behaviors that fit the patterns of abuse. Unfortunately, many don't even recognize what it is, they just know how it makes them feel.
In my experience the church people were the abusers , and I see it still
Some people don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know what abuse looks like because they most likely came from a dis functional family system. What they think of as @
“normal” may indeed be abuse. Abuse can be very subtle and this is often the worst type of abuse because you are trained over time by the abuser to think that you are at fault or that something is wrong with YOU.
You, and the person you're referring to, clearly have no idea what scripture says on divorce. Don't bash religion (Christianity specifically) without first actually learning about it, you're incorrect and ignorant.
@evage99 I call BS on this. Religion is absolutely weaponized to make people accept abuse. And to suggest it's not is ignorant and dangerous on your part. Scripture clearly states divorce is on ok when infidelity is at play. Other behaviors are not condoned, but not cause for divorce
You need to get more familiar with your Bible, it's pretty screwed up
treat everyone as you would like to be treated solves the issue we have today where everyone is offended.
I grew up in a culture that thinks a wife cannot say no to her husband when it comes to sex. She has to serve his needs in that regard.
When I experienced this in my previous marriage I tried to convince that to myself because it was a norm but I couldn’t. It lead me to depression and loss of appetite. I forced myself to eat so I would be able to care for my kids. When I left that abusive relationship I told his side of the family that I was sexually abused and they were like, you were his wife he gets it when he wants it, it’s not about you. I wanted to vomit when I was told that by a young relative of his. She is also married with small kids so I am thinking she lives in that and believes that to this day.
My body shut down and gave me signs that no it’s not ok. Even if the abuse is widely accepted in a culture our bodies will react to it negatively signaling this isn’t normal.
It’s ok to change culture for better.
She hasnt experienced as bad relationship as you have. That's all there is.
I'm glad you were able to get out ❤
I honestly can say I know exactly what you’re feeling. This is my story for 28 years 😭
@@tammymoore859 i am
Sorry you were in for that many years!
I hope you have found healing.
Thanks
"Shame on you"
My one line calling them out, displining adults, then I just walk away, free safe independent, live my life and choices.
❤😂🎉
Healing not hard, damn necessary.
Doing my best always I've come head.
Rebuilding financially, emotionally.
Believe in yourself ❤️
I feel like abuse is the violation of another, and often centers around lack of care and respect, and power dynamics. I feel any situation where someone lacks their right to safety and their boundaries is abuse. Abuse removes agency.
Abuse is when you control people.
When you hurt people in different forms like verbal (insults), physical, financial.
Hurt people, hurt people.
You are abused when you felt afraid, traumatized, harassed.
Hurt people, hurt people!!!
Abuse is demonic!!!!!
Your body can close so deply than even some organs can shrink. Amaizing but true. 😢
I’m scared
I have only 4 things I couldn't put a checkmark next to. Here's the thing I got out and instead of seeing myself and children as victims I made it part of my hero story. I can tell you its hard if you leave but you are worth it and there's always wonderful people that can help you on your journey. Don't do this alone, you have this
Abuse doesn't need to be deliberate. Sometimes people claim its unintended. Sometimes they are telling the truth, sometimes not. Limitations can mean its truly not intended, or the claim its unintended can be gasslighting.
In the end, it doesn't matter if the person punching you sees it or not. Its still unsafe and need to stop.
What is abuse? Some basic questions to ask - what is the intent behind the act or talk? Is someone hurt (whether intended or not)? Is there equity in the relationship? Or not?
Have endured and survived 2 abusive marriages and a couple of other abusive relationships. I know that I'm a bad chooser! My strategy in all abusive relationships was to leave. And now I don't trust my choosing ability or men in general, so I choose to remain single.
When I left my first ex, it hurt my 2 sons and you could say that I was wrong to leave them. At the time there was so much in the media about boys that were raised by single mothers turning into gangsters and because I was working full time and carrying 12 units of college I decided to leave without them. So that was my abuse. At the same time, I didn't want my boys to see their mom be abused and I was NOT an absentee parent - I saw them every week except for a year and a half time span when I couldn't afford to travel and see them. But their story didn't end there - my oldest son died in 2014 in a motorcycle crash. My younger son has cut me off completely with a Cease and Desist letter from his attorney.
I learned that men are without clue. My first ex husband was about to ask me to renew our vows when I told him I was leaving. He had coerced me into an abortion (where I had found adoptive parents.) He also committed sodomy twice - which is sexual abuse because I said NO but couldn't move when he got on top of me. That made me bleed for 3 weeks afterwards. I felt no love for him after that.
When I left my second ex, he didn't remember bringing knives into our disagreements and he apologized for "being jealous". I left him after he brought a loaded .38 into our disagreement (which stemmed from him not remembering that before we got married, we both agreed that we would never live in Southern California - and then he changed his mind, got drunk and started a fight about wanting us to move there.). I don't know why my wins for our team made him jealous - what's that about?
Just want to say - that sexual abuse is probably more common than people know because people don't speak about it.
This is a crucial topic for women and I thank Dr. Deloney for bringing it up.
If i ever get out of the abusive relationship im in, i will never trust another person. But then im old af
As long as I am with another follower of Christ, non drinker, non smoker, and somebody that respects me I think I will be alright. ❤❤❤❤
Same. If I ever get away I'll never be in another relationship ever again for fear of accidentally picking someone of the same caliber. I've discovered on this hell on earth rollercoaster journey spanning nearly 40 years that I don't need another person to complete me: I am enough.
@@f.frederickskitty2910 all we need is Jesus! He is our comforter.
I feel like that too!
Abuse is not alway intentional
Projective identification and sexual coercion!
I’m dealing with this😢
Abuse is when a person is constrained not to be themselves. It is about a malignant wielding of power. And it is the sign of emotional weakness taken to the point of criminality.
Such a leveled way to really view trauma and the extremes! ❤️
Thank you. Would appreciate seeing more educational pieces similar to this in content and message.
I think it comes down to honest vulnerability from person 1 and person 2 to receive, want to understand, respect and empathize and avoid said behavior. If someone blows up for no reason that anyone can see, I’m betting they’re being abused by someone manipulative and are showing reactive “abuse” or are so traumatized from childhood that they’re delusional in the moment of fight of flight. Manipulative people are really good at pushing people to their limits insidiously, most people wouldn’t be able to see it.
Just be careful, to a narcissist everything feels like abuse
What? ?
@@cara9767 Call out a narcissist for something they actually did to you and watch them play victim.
True. Talked to my ex about a time he has thrown me down stairs and threatened my life over and over yet expects me to be over it and never talk about it and tells me I’m the reason he started being violent, it’s apparently all my fault according to him. So yes I agree he’s a narcissist and twists everything back onto the victim. It’s called gaslighting
Same for me busted the door in blamed me
I love when you do these type of episodes 💯🙏♥️
I am also a scientist and completely agree with this guy’s logic about society’s current interpretation of abuse and how to approach it.
I was also the kid he’s talking about. I’m middle aged and grew up with a drunk for a dad. We never knew when he’d be home or who he’d be when he did. He’d pull in the drive and my heart rate would spike. I’d hide. From my father. And he wasn’t physical or sexually abusive. But my body and brain were growing. My nervous system solidified inside that fucking chaos.
I’ve spent decades trying to undo what those years did to my nervous system. I have treatment resistant MDD because of those years. And I think I’ll just have to live with this until death. It’s so insanely expensive. And you can’t tell your boss. You can tell a boss about cancer or diabetes, but not this. Not even today.
It fucking sucks. So if you’re a parent reading this. If your partner is a drunk? Verbally abusive? Unpredictable? LEAVE. You are abusing your kids by staying. You are making them sick by staying. They will pay a price for the rest of their fucking lives, and all because you couldn’t find the courage to LEAVE.
What happens when you speak your needs and your spouse looks at you with bulging eyes and the look like they’re gonna rip your throat out? I’m scared to communicate with my spouse bc of the defensiveness, rage, and not wanting to get possibly get beat up.
Leave your spouse asap !!!! What kind of are you living life if you are always living in fear .???
It is hard to accept that one is abused when abuse has been a whole life (70 decade) experience. Life other than this is a mystery.
Especially when abuse you faced as a child made you grow numb to abuse in your adult life.
70 decades is 700 years
It's why I make sure to tell people they are exhibiting abusive or bigoted behaviors without calling THEM an abuser till shown otherwise. People weaponize psych terms way too much and thats so uncomfortable to me personally.
"Everybody is so easily offended now" is code for "I hate being called out for my insensitivity."
Nah he's right. People get offended by anything. Live uour life, stop caring why other people think. It's your problems.
@@pompommania Why do you care what I think? Just keep scrolling.
I see what you're saying but I can't walk on eggshells trying to please everyone. At some point in time others have to realize that I, too, have my freedoms.
I come from a family where feelings were weaponized, so I've learned to return weaponized feelings.
No... EVERYONE is SOOOOO ridiculous now. Like it started affecting comedians. It's not ok.
My ex-husband gave me the silent treatment from mid-2018. I asked him 4 times what was wrong, he said "nothing". My younger adult daughter copied him.
They hid keys away, I only had access to the front door. I couldn't use the laundry room. He locked me out once, but I had predicted he would, so I kept my keys on me at all times. When he saw I'd got inside the house, he jeered and taunted me. He called me a f*cking parasite when I was in the same room as him. After lockdown in 2020 I started looking for accommodation and my lawyer told me to leave when I had found a place. I was divorced 15 month later.
🐦🙏✨🐾💖🌝💕
Well done , I'm glad you got away. It's sad your daughter gave you the same treatment, shame on her. Enjoy your freedom, at least now you will be able to see abuse a mile off. Take care.🤗
@@user48lt52 That's unforgivable, hurting you like that. 🥺
Hmm, witholding connectivity. Husband said he didnt want to hug me because he thought I was checking him out
for smelling pot. This hurt.
Have you broken up with that addict yet?
Maybe abuse is complete a disregard of a person's boundaries AND the intent to harm. Then definition 2 is A person willing to ignore another to the point of destruction. (i.e. a starving child.)
Sometimes I push people's boundaries to encourage growth on their end. It can seem rude but my intent isn't to harm them but to encourage them in their own healing. (I.e.The friend who talks about dreams but never gets any work done toward that dream.)
I go to jujitsu. Get bruises all over myself but the intent isn't to harm but to grow a skill. Verses getting thise same bruises in an assault.
I also love roast comedy. It's really fun around the right people but not all people are ready for that. I'll test people and their humor. If I see they are sensitive, I won't joke like that. I miss it though. :(
I give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes my own triggers got me flight or fight mode too. I get triggered when a man gets mad at me. Women can yell at me all day and I can remain calm. When a man yells at me, boy do I get angry 😐 Thankfully it's not a common occurrence because I can usually deescalate the situation through friendly talk.
Sometimes I feel tempted to just be bluntly and unapologetically myself. Because our society is riddled with eggshells. But I know that's selfish and unhealthy. So here I am, living my life through a filter.
But sometimes I get so annoyed. Hence why I'm looking for therapy.
I just wanna be able to be honest again. I think honesty, even if it's ugly, dumb and rude ends up solving problems more than keeping a fake face in life. We live in a society of stature and fake faces. Everyone leaving their stinky laundry inside, piling up and rotting. That laundry needs to air out and dry. Like, even myself, want to avoid the things that would cause me embarrassment. But I'm beginning to feel like "oh well, I'm human and learning." and offer that same grace to everyone else.
I think that definition of abuse might hold up. I don't know as many circumstances though since I'm not a psychologist and haven't worked with 1000s of people.
Also, someone brought up that people are individuals.
I think we're all crazy imo. We gravitate towards people who think like us. That causes comfort. But what if we are with people who think entirely different? Don't they have their right to think the way they do as well?
I think as far as law goes, America has the best (imo) We have our rights and property. Nobody can infringe on these.
When it comes to relationships, individuality and psychology? That's when I think we're all crazy.
Our perspective can be clouded in areas based off of traumatic past, hormones, and belief structure.
And it's different for everyone person.
For me, that's why I rely on living like the bible says. To be forgiving, patient and loving. Not self-seeking. Not quick to anger. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)
Because it seems to be the only right way to handle the immense complexity that is human individuality.
I feel the same
Some abuse is subtle, but very deadly. Death by a thousand small cuts. If you grew up in a household where emotional and verbal abuse was common, you won't even recognize when it is happening, until the lightbulb turns on.
That pit in your stomach you feel everyday, the walking on eggshells everyday, the subtle sarcastic remarks, the distainful looks every time you open your mouth to voice your own opinion, your own beliefs and ideas, the instant scan of his face every morning (you got to be an expert at at when you were little) to try to gage his mood, feeling SO responsible for his moods, his anger, his rage. So glad when you do a face scan and receive a reward of one of his "happy" days, always wondering what you did wrong and what can you do next to make the relationship better, make him feel better.
Watch Deadwater Fells and see how an abusive spouse can destroy his wife on a daily basis. It was subtle, and done so only she could hear & feel the full effect. Everyone thought he was the best thing since white bread. He killed her and their kids. Just before he killed his wife, after killing his kids, he tells her the reason he killed them was because she was such a horrible mom and didn't deserve them. His final blow to her self worth.
What about being on the receiving end of constant criticism, that's just subtly sarcastic or almost innocuous yet it's there over and over, daily, weekly for years. They aren't doing it with intent, it's part of their own depression and self- conscious nature that they're trying to protect on you, because you being comfortable in your own skin is something where they just can't relate and it makes them jealous.
Honestly I think my husband was envious of my career and independence. Unfortunately I lost respect for him for many reasons, hard to get it back
when it became a horrible pattern of unhealthy communication patterns.
He became controlling, emotionally unavailable, and intimidating.
Simple household chores flashpoint of constant argument and criticism.
Built up over the years.
Yes patterns of subtle put-downs, sarcasm, teasing with no regard or awareness that it bothers you is abuse. The purpose is chip away at your self-esteem and keep you off-balance
My son is in an abusive relationship. His wife is isolating him more and more. He doesn’t look the same- he looks tired all the time. I have never been someone to intervene in his relationships. I believe in allowing people to find their way but my heart is aching on this. I don’t know how to help. She monitors our interactions. Before there is judgement…he is a good, loyal man who takes his marriage vows seriously.
Unfortunately people don't reach out beaceuse they feel ashamed & they don't want to be judged. And if they do seek help they want someone to sympathize with them which lessens their emotional pain.
Bob Hamp (think differently academy) has a great definition for abuse : it is the incorrect assignment of responsibility.
No body will not tell me what I can and cannot do.
Thank you so much for your kind words❤
The issue with intent is it can't be proven. It's not clear cut and plainly seen. The truth is we are all abusive at times.
Anything that seeks to bring down another or make someone wrong or condemn them is abusive.
Shame, guilt, judgment, resentment, fear mongering, threats, all fall in the category of abuse. Anything that stems from our own state of fear which then turns into a desire to control another is abusive.
Abuse- if it’s not nurturing it’s abusive. Period end of discussion. That doesn’t mean you can’t say tough things, you do it with love and regard for the other person. Dave is not generally abusive, but he has regard for the wellbeing of the the other.
I work with people to assist them in overcome emotional issues & achieve their dreams, this is topic that surfaces as we discuss healthy vs toxic relationships. There is a difference between boundaries & abuse. Overstepping a boundary or comfort zone doesn't automatically equate to abuse. Neglect, dismissiveness, stonewalling, withholding,.... can definitely be abuse/abusive, but may not be. Neglecting to call or take out the garbage may be just rude, but isn't 'abuse'. Pushing people past their comfort zones can be rude or it can be abusive. I agree with John that context is a determining factor. If you are teasing someone, and the other individual isn't laughing, you are likely overstepping a boundary. If you are pressing someone for a particular outcome and they are reluctant, pressing them harder is rude(unless it's their responsibility, then it's appropriate (self) advocacy & assertiveness. A good discussion. Ask people for their consent when possible, don't make assumptions.
I've recently come to realize that my marriage is worse than I thought. He's had to go out of town 3 times this year and I've been home by myself. The relief I've felt while he's been gone is palpable, my anxiety drops and I feel freer mentally. He's a deeply unpleasant person to be around. I'm even able to take less of my anxiety medication. He's definitely emotionally abusive and verbally despite not often calling me names. I'm disabled and I'm not sure if him not helping me when I need it would be considered abuse or not
I know that intent and consistency are key to pinpoint abuse. It isn’t a matter of feelings. It’s facts. Patterns, history of behavior, real reactions to it, victim’s symptoms, etc. are clear. Abuse isn’t episodic, sporadic. Abuse is abuse. Everything else may be violence, but isn’t abuse.
I’m an abuse survivor of sexual trauma, emotional abuse and financial abuse. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s one of the worst experiences to ever go through. Recognizing the behavior is key though and having the strength to leave right away before it gets worse.
Sexual neglect and control is emotional abuse!
Years of that with my husband, mixed with abuse by his inlaws. My world has cried and jaws have hit floors over treatment towards me. I have all but cut off his world, but a couple friends.
@@hillary1161 yes, abusive in-laws always seem to come along with an abusive spouse. I was in it for 30 yrs. Been out of it for 3 yrs. Dr. Doug Weiss on RUclips talks about intimacy anorexia. That’s what my ex has & yours might to. That’s when a person shuts you off emotionally, spiritually & sexually. Most are men who do this. Porn is usually at the heart of it… I just recently got all of my passions back. Back to working out & other things. You’ll get yours back too, hang in there!
What about mental health issues? I know someone who is only hateful, mean and disrespectful when in severe bipolar mania, and when he's level and himself, he's great.
It is still abuse. Abuse is not 24/7 and it is not always intentional.
Medication?!
100% agree. Neglect is abuse
I was abused for a long time. Over a decade. And I never reported. I was shamed. And now he wants a divorce and to take everything
In my experience abuse is unintentional more often than it is intentional. That's why that definition is not helpful. Most people don't want to destroy another
I agree with you. It is really hard when someone says "You are the most important person in my life"
after years pushing me away because of a substance problem. A terrible cycle of disrespect, contempt,
anger and resentment.
The diminishing of your colleague is not ok- probably the boss was toxic and was insulting her with something he knew will trigger her, and is only known to both of them
any action that intentionally harms or injures another person. Neglect is also abuse.
You are correct
Abuse is a choice
I can understand the hard thing about defining abuse. But "i didnt mean it that way".
Reactive Abuse is a very real thing . Even the most resilient childhood trauma survivors often find themselves as unwitting victims in long term abusive marriages (if they haven’t received adequate therapy and picked the wrong person) and then the script gets flipped on them when they finally find the strength to stand up for themselves once embarking upon their own healing journey. This is something that I don’t hear discussed very often.
Covert narcissists are manipulative to their core and love to poke another person’s trauma wounds to incite a reaction and then sit back and play the victim. Anyone who intentionally and repeatedly harms you and then tries to throw you under the bus and blame your reactions on your own traumatic past is dangerous.
Guess what though? Thanks to these horrible situations (which we unknowingly took part in choosing), we can learn to heal our overreactive trauma coping mechanisms and come out stronger and more healed in the end. Hopefully we can eventually all leave as better versions of ourselves after it’s all said and done.
Who life u know?
@@nyya0509 ❤️🙏🏼💪🏼
I was abused for over 10 years. I never once reacted except with apologies and self blame. I never once yelled, criticized, or asked for my needs. I felt worthy of nothing, and spent all of my time giving and supporting, every time I was criticized, I took it like a champ and fixed myself. Then one day, I snapped. I started to yell back. I started to tell him all the things he’s going wrong. I started to stand up for myself. As soon as that happened, he called me an abuser. He recorded me without telling me and would show our therapist. They diagnosed me as a narcissist. I was told everyday that I was cold and unempathetic. I believed them and tried for years to change. I thought I better die because I seem to be so scared of him and everyone else all the time.
Now I am very confused. Because if I look back, I see I was abused. But I can never think of myself as the victim. Because the only recordings he has are of me yelling and defending myself. And all the communication when I believed I was a narcissist and admitted I must be one. When we got divorced, I willingly gave him all the assets. I am deeply scared.
Whenever I tell my story, which I’ve only done once or twice, I am told I’m acting like the victim. So I don’t tell anyone. My entire life is a ball of confusion.
Thank you thank you thank you