FRENCH PARENTING STYLE: How the French way of raising kids is SO different to what we're used to!
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- Опубликовано: 7 дек 2020
- French parents be like...Ever since Pamela Druckerman's book Bringing Up Bébé, the worlds have been fascinated with French parenting techniques, French parenting tips, and looking for the key french parenting insights so they can get their kids to sit down well behaved in a restaurant for hours too and sleep through the night from the age of 3 months! We've heard it all - French babies sleep, French kids eat everything, French children don't throw food, and they don't have public tantrums (or at least ones that last very long).
With Kate, an American in France who has a French baby of her own, we discuss what we think makes the French parenting style what it is and how that connects to the larger French way of life.
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If you're interested in French parenting, how French kids sleep through the night so quickly, how French people parent, and why French kids don't throw food, then that's exactly what we chat about in this video. We've all heard the rumour that French babies eat everything, so what could be so different in the French parenting vs American style?
If you have any questions about the French parenting style, raising French kids, French parenting sleep training, French children, French way of parenting or French way of life, then please ask them below as both Kate and I will be responding!
Bisous!
Rosie
#frenchparenting #frenchculture #frenchpeople
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As a teacher at international schools, I taught children from all over the world, and I loved having kids from France in my class because they brought the French joie de vivre into the classroom. It wasn't just politeness, but they genuinely cared about their classmates/school community. I have to say I didn't notice a lack of creativity, though did have self-discipline. And they all had beautiful handwriting!
Hi Katie, are you on Facebook, that you could private message me? I have some questions about international schools.
Hi, as a French person I can only agree on this. Usually french students and teachers have a great bond and the class is a real group of action, it's really frequent for schools to organize class wide events and that's why students are quite on the team side of class. Also, the Handwriting is true if you go with the flow, because I am sorry to announce that I write terribly cause teachers don't spend a lot of time on forming the letters. You just copy lines of the same letters and then it's over, and if your letters are terrible you are not reminded to improve on them, so yeah, French people tend to Handwrite quite well but because they learned it fast.
I was an au pair in Australia at some point, and I relate 100% to everything you said. I remember on my first day, we went to the restaurant and I was horrified by the kids behaviour, running around, shouting, interrupting conversations and eating with their hands.
And they were throwing tantrums for no reason whenever the parents were around because they knew exactly how to get their way. And it was working every damn time. On the contrary I was more like "oh you can cry as long as you want I don't mind it, you will get tired of it before me" and they usually stopped quite rapidly.
I talked with a few other au pairs and it was the same for them. The only au pairs who didn't complain were the ones working....in french expats families
3:33
It is proven that talking to children normally without too much baby talk will make them learn language and things better.
Baby's learn from their parents, and if parents play idiots, kid's mimick that. Don't talk to kid's like they are dumb
It helps to talk to newborns in motherese ie. a higher pitch with exaggerated expressions and lots of repetition and questions but after the first three weeks more adult language is good!
@@misso295 yeah I guess it is a balance to strike, I'm not an expert but
Point is, still, talking to a 3 y.o. like he is 3 weeks old.. well that's not optimal
So true! I’ve always thought that the reason I am so well spoken (without bragging, I truly am) is that my parents have always talked to me like normal adults!
And pronouncing correctly is important too. In french there are words difficult to pronounce and their is a "kid way" to pronounce. And some adults talk to children pronouncing the "kid way" but that's not a good thing to do because kid will learn and assimilt the fault, the wrong way to pronounce.
because of course in france having feelings and being expressive is being dumb, i am so fed up of how over ratted in this country it is the intelect, it makes people cold and calculating. When you are just satisfied and content, and grateful, youre dumb, when youre affectionate, youre dumb, all the time they have to demonstrate how interesting and intelligent one is, otherwise is doubted, as if it was something unique to be smart, everyone is, we all are smart, it is not necessary to socialise as if every conversation was an exam about how well you have memorised the newspaper and latest informations, it cripples me, it makes me itchy, phisically it makes me feel trapped the way of interacting here.
Talking expressivelly is not idiotical, and actually it is not a lack of respect or devaluation, only it is if the way of doing so comes from that dicotomy, which many times propably does since here everything seems to have a name to be clasified, everything is separated and clasified, as if they could get to know everything instantly, i find it so presumtuous,never willing to be mistaken, as if they were gonna die if they commit any fault ............ Really, for long i didn't want to think like this so negatively, i focused on the good things, but i can't help it , it is everywhere, here, the tv, every person that i have met which are many and in very differnt backgrounds ... , and it makes me so sad to see how rigid kids are, everything thanks to politeness and education
i like the point on remembering youre still a wife, daughter, friend, career holder, SOMEONE, besides the child's mom. women can slip easily into forgetting to check in with themselves. healthy happy mom = healthy happy family.
As a French father of 3, I can say that one of my proudest moment was when my boy discovered he loved oysters (not fried of course!) at the age of 2 😀 He is now 5 and it is still his favourite food!
Wow, when I visited France at Christmas I was offered oysters but I cannot eat them raw. When in Australia I had a carpetbag steak- cooked steak stuffed with oysters, delicious. My French hosts were absolutely horrified-had to do without oysters as they would not serve this way.
the point of creativity. As a child, i never felt myself frustrated of creativity. With my brothers, we invented stories and played a lot. For me, creativity doesn't mean shout loud, and run every where in a small appartment.that's just wildness and disrespect to other people living there, and may be exhausted by a day of work.
Agree
OF course for you it is not, because they made you live through your head, another caracteristic i find typical from this country, everything is mental and being a neurothic is romanthisised while they ignore the state of their bodies, again a reason why there is problems breastfeeding, and even the docors are resigned to that being the norm . Wilness is life, people who is exhausted in this country are even more exhausted thanks to how much everyone talks about how exhousted they are and how much they complain, if the heard kids screaming around and making noise that would help them actually forget about their exhaustion since they would be in interaction without having chosen it without being their escrupulous routine ... they are exausted from how closed off they are, this is a very sad country, even in movies i don't see any french actress or actor being able to actually smile or laugh ... nor music. Maybe i am just very burnt out, maybe it is just this place, Haute Garone, if anyone has lived here please tell me about it, please.
My paternal great grandfather who grew up in the Victorian era taught me how to 'sit like a lady' for high tea by the age of 2years. His dapper charm and flattery won me over. I also got to eat two little cup cakes topped with pink icing if I could do this. By three years old I was a poised little lady. When my new baby brother was being introduced to the extended family, my maternal grandmother worried that I would be feeling jealous of my baby brother she offered me the comfort and attention of sitting on her lap. My reply was, " Thank you, but I am quite comfortable here on this chair." I felt very grown up. So I totally agree with the French way of raising children!
Love this. I am an American in the midwest but have somehow raised my, now grown, children in the French fashion. They are courteous, eat anything, and know how to behave in public. They are outrageously smart and creative due to exposing them to the world and not letting them shy away from new things.
There was no such thing as I’ve never tried that food, no overly fussy eating in our home at all.
I would say that French parents don’t have rigid goals & desires for their kids like some Americans do. They aren’t trying to live vicariously through their children.
The thing i found the most surprising with a young baby is there are a LOT less activities for small kids to do. Baby Einstein music classes at 8 months don't exist hahah
@@UnintentionallyFrenchified I live in the UK and I'm the only one amongst my friends who hasn't done baby groups with my children. I went to the library a few times with my daughter as they had a free nursery rhyme session and she loves books but that was it. I also think that I have taught my children (1.5 & 3 yo) to independently play a lot more than my friends have with their kids. Honestly, I never understood where they got the energy to entertain their children all day long. That's what books and toys are for! Don't get me wrong, I play with my children every day even my working days but I do not entertain them every waking minute.
@@UnintentionallyFrenchified Hi yes because we consider that there is no need to go outside (baby clubs) to get sophisticated activities for a baby. He is a baby, parents and extended family or firends should be enough to stimulate, occupy, play with a baby and he can also learn to keep himself busy with his toys or explore his house and surroundings. Americans like to keep kids busy and with a goal in mind, whereas in France we love to make sure they have time to just relax, play with no goal, have fun with no end game, explore things by themself....just enjoy their baby life.
@@NotEvenFrench from a french girl perspective i think it is also due to college education. When I saw every skill needed to get an ivy education I understood why parents want their kids to do so much stuff from an early age. You don’t need that much to get a great education in France. They won’t care that you speak mandarin and did theatre classes or are a sport champion to enter. Just need good grades and parents will focus more on that than extracurricular activities... there is no goal but just enjoyment in doing extracurricular activities for us. It is just for our personal development and “culture générale” (one other important thing for us and taught at a young age too)
This is so true. A lot of parents in America have their mind made up on what their child is going to be, before they are born. I have friends in their 30's who are in careers, marriages or living lifestyles that they never wanted. Unfortunately, a lot of them have mental illnesses because of it.
It’s so true of the kids being well mannered here. I’ve only been here for a couple months but every kid I pass on the street always says bonjour! Also you never see kids running in the stores grabbing different things and knocking things over or throwing huge tantrums. I definitely prefer the parenting style in France!
Greeting anyone on the street 😮
Oh my goodness! I can totally relate! I am an American raising two little children in France with my French husband. Teaching patience, the eating schedule and the way we talk to our children - all very true! My 3 year old was potty trained way earlier than her cousins in the USA and both of my children were sleeping through the night at a younger age. Both cultures have the good and the bad and it is really interesting to hear different perspectives! :) Thanks for sharing, ladies!
I had a similar experience with breastfeeding. I wished that I had more support breastfeeding in France.
I’m Mexican and I found it super interesting that both French and Mexican cultures place a lot of value on greeting a person. I remember being super shy as a kid and just wanting to play quietly but I had to say hi and kiss every single one of my relatives and their guests when they came over to our house! Sometimes it took almost a full hour 😅
I think, now, we would ask to the child to say hi, but not make the bise or a kiss to everyone... I think saying "hello" is polite, but the child has the right not wanting to kiss ^^
Latin culture I think :)
@@clairemontgroux7480 well it depends, in classical families in the countryside, you have to give la bise to auntie Ginette
@@bipboup7761 yes but as everything, it evolves. My parents were asking me to do the bise during events... but times are changing ^^
In the Midwest too
One doesn't forbid the other. My parents educated me with the frame, the respect, and the importance of politeness, but I was still free to run around in the nature and express myself in my room, as long as I cleaned after myself. It's a question of balance. Today I am Creative Director and live in Los Angeles, I clearly haven't had limitation to my imagination, but I am shocked on the daily by the lack of respect and quality conversation from the average American people.
That's a bit of a stereotype...ive seen that happen in multiple countries its not specific to America. That's just worldwide. Whether or not people practice their cultural views isnt specific to one place or group more than another...it happens everywhere.
Because having a job and a title in society clearly demostrates creativity. Inside a room and cleaning afterwards aare the opposite of actually expressing yourself . I am sorry but all the time i have spent in France it has taken my smile away from how rigid everyone is focused on rules and the way it must be, il faut, il faut, nothing seems to come out really from them but from how obligued they feel, like trapped, even when i see painters or cookers, or creatives, they are just doing what they have to do i don't see real creativity in them, and that's probably what works int he world, in general, that's probably why, in any job that has a title and that is in a renouned place ... it is a facade, they make me sad in this country, even they look bad on le for smiling or looking into their eyes, as if existing was a shame, i don't find it healthy too to not be breasfeeding and to have a wider life as early parents, it's totally ok to not be so ambitious and competent and interesting " interesant" as they try to normalize here that one has to be, always having to entertain, as if each person's value was in how much expertise of knowledge they have about something, they clasify each other, like you have to demostrate how valuable you are in formal terms, it is not enough from your value as a human, actually that side of the value is missregarded to the extent that valuable people get worse and invisivilised . Maybe it is just where i am, Haute Garone - if anyone has lived here and reads please tell me what it was like for you, please, please - maybe i am just burnt out, so Anais don't take it personally, just your comment inspired it, excuse it if you find offence in it, it is what i feel in this moment about this culture due to what i have lived
@@Nijigatsumi you sound like a great human being ...
My Goodness! This was exactly how I was raised My Mother did not tolerate nonsense,explained everything & never ever used “ baby talk” we had responsibilities & were taught important life skills at a young age,had to be polite and respectful of our surroundings at all times.
I think the word you were looking for was "structure" rather than "strictness". And you are right. They need that. They want that.
I just wanna nuance the issue about the framed education in France VS full liberty in the US... Actually, in France, don't get the idea that we kinda prevent our children from being creative or so but you have to consider the frame as something opened : there is the inside of the frame and the outside. So as far as the inside of the frame is respected, they can do more or less what they want outside of it... I think it relies to one of our society's principles about liberty which dates back to the Déclaration des Droits de l'Homme et du Citoyen of 1789 ; in substance, Article 4 states that one's liberty stops when someone else's begins. As far as you value and apply the basic rules that allow people to make a united society, you can do whatever you want. But the group comes first, the idea of solidarity is very strong and essential. And the anglosaxon concept of you having the liberty to step on someone just because you can is very wrong in France, because again, if you want everybody to have the same amount of liberty (to be fair, to be equal), you can't deny one's liberty not to be hurt, not to be cast aside, just to value your own liberty to do whatever you want just as if only you were important or as if others weren't... In France, true liberty can't exist if that liberty is egocentric because it's just impossible to satisfy all the egos of a society. Hope it helps !! ^^
"Your freedom to swing your fists ends where the other person's nose begins" basically sums up my value system. But here's another nuance that I see. Honestly, I just don't understand how the most effective way to execute the above principal is to make a child clean their plate or eat their meals at the exact same arbitrarily set time every day, if those rules are still observed by most French parents today. Or to make a child show a particular sign of respect to an elder if the child is shy. Especially if it's clear that the child's intentions are good and they aren't being outright rude.
"Your freedom to swing your fists ends where the other person's nose begins"? What about the child's nose? Why does it always have to be framed in terms of teaching the kid when they can and can't swing their fists, and not being balanced out with a little more attention given to teaching the kid to stand up for their own "nose" and make sure it doesn't get punched? Some kids have some sort of neurodivergence where they are particularly sensitive to taste. Some kids have a medical condition where they need to eat on their own schedule--a medical condition that might be discovered earlier if the parent wasn't so focused on getting the kid to eat at arbitrary times.
Full disclosure--yes, I am American. Yet, for the record, I've always found the Anglo Saxon concept of you having the liberty to step on the weaker person just because you can, to be very repugnant. (And the way in which that concept is running amok in our current government is the reason why I want to move to another country, and why part of me is embarrassed to be an American). Teach children that they are part of a group, that we are all in this together, that nobody's needs matter more than anybody else's, that liberty isn't egocentric? Hell, yeah! Rock on! I'm all about that.
I'm just not sure how *unnecessarily* and *arbitrarily* (without a logical reason for doing so) restricting the autonomy of literally the most vulnerable people--children--teaches them to not step on the weaker person just because they can. Aren't parents supposed to model and lead by example? It seems to me that if you can't explain to a child the logic of how this particular rule that you are enforcing protects the autonomy of all members of the family, then you should question why you are enforcing that rule in the first place. I think that authority must earn its place by being based on reason, logic, and justice. Besides, by learning to understand the rationale behind rules from an early age, a child can learn so much more quickly how to distinguish just rules from unjust rules.
Wonder which country's philosophy of child rearing (and the ethics of authority in general) would be the closest to mine?
@@messinalyle4030 Before I get started, I just wanted to say I'm French (metropolitan) and ofc, every family is different but I want to go back on some of your points. Firstly, the thing about kids being polite and cleaning their plates and greeting adults even if they're shy. Well, all of these manners are a way of showing respect, a way of being a part of the community or society. It's pretty easy to say "bonjour" and yet it means a lot, so I don't see why we wouldn't do it. Also, if the kid is shy, well there are multiple way to greet someone - the most important thing is to not cross the child's boundaries. Like, nobody should force a kid to shake hands or to "faire la bise" to someone in greeting if they don't want to. Heck, they don't even have to talk if they don't want to, they can just nod and make eye contact - just a simple form of acknowledgement of the other person. Respecting other people is an essential part of life, and I'm not saying having good manners makes you a good person, but it's a good first step. Honestly, I watched a video of an American guy doing some shopping in Paris, and he was so annoyed by people saying hello to him or asking if he needed any help, he was like "can't they leave me alone" and then he was asking for stuff without saying hi or excuse me, and I found it incredibly RUDE. It's just the most basic form of respect, everyone deserves it, especially waiters or workers in shops who are here to freaking help you!! But back to the children: I wanted to add that most rules are in fact here for a reason - and I also agree with you, a rule shouldn't exist if you can't justify it in the first place. But like, about the precise schedule for eating: yes, a kid will eat at 7/8am, then at 12, then at 4/5pm and them at 7/8pm during a day. It's not a stupid rule: eating at regular hours is good for your health, because your body isn't made to change its schedule everyday. Usually, you can eat fish or meat and vegetables and sugar desserts at lunch, bc you need the energy for the rest of the day. But at dinner in the evening, you'll eat stuff like vegetable or soup or rice, with some cheese or a fruit as dessert - it's lighter, you don't need much calories since you're going to sleep afterwards. So yeah, most simple rules exist for a reason, I believe. And (well, this is my personal experience, not the universal French experience) I think those rules are not hard to follow as a kid, and you still have a lot of freedom. Sure, you have limits but, I mean, it's normal for a kid to have limits!! They have to be protected from certain dangers, and they have to learn a lot of stuff to (better do it in a safe environment). So yeah, your freedom ends at the moment you start to destroy or attack somebody else's freedom. A kid shouldn't learn how to throw a punch to defend their own freedom, they should learn how and why they shouldn't throw punches at other people in the first place.
If you want to avoid problems for yourself and for your kid, well, it's just one word: EDUCATE and be educated. About bullying, about eating, about school, about sex, about strangers, about curfew, about internet, about everything. A good parent should be available to talk with their children about anything (but careful, your child is not entitled to tell you everything and you shouldn't tell everything to your child either). That's it for me, take care and merry Christmas (or else) to you all!
@@elsafowl Thanks for your reply.
Okay, some of the stuff that you said made me feel like the French aren't quite as inflexible in the way that they raise children as the video made them out to be. Like when you said that kids should be taught to greet strangers, but that parents wouldn't necessarily be pressured to get them to greet people in a certain particular way, and the child's comfort should be taken into consideration. That makes me feel a little bit better knowing that. Thanks.
It can be more of an infringement on some children's autonomy to make them clean their plate than others. Many autistic people like myself have sensory sensitivities in general, and some of us have taste sensitivities in particular. I am lucky in that there are only a few foods that I absolutely cannot force myself to eat, and I am lucky in that my parents didn't really push the issue when I was growing up.
I think that in situations where it would cause more discomfort to the child to eat the food than it would for the parent to see the food go uneaten, the child should be allowed to leave the food on their plate or give it to someone else. Children in general--people in general--do the best they can, and in some situations where a child is clearly struggling, it can behoove the parent to be the bigger person and look past their ego if the child can't stomach a certain food, and realize that it's not a reflection of their cooking or them as a person, this is just a thing about this particular child. They honestly just can't stand avocados, or whatever (randomly using one of the two things on my own "hell no" list).
In regards to mealTIMES, yeah, I do see where you're coming from that it's healthier to have consistent mealtimes. I guess I just don't see that as being important enough for there to be social pressure around it. I'm sitting here typing this comment at 9:11 at this moment and I haven't had dinner yet, and I'm going to pull myself away from RUclips and go get myself something to eat when I finish this. And this is not unusual for me. I eat pretty much whenever. There isn't much consistency to my eating schedule. And as far as I can see, it doesn't seem to hurt me.
Also, some people are born with physical health conditions where they can't necessarily restrict themselves to eating during those times, or else something happens. They might have to have smaller, more frequent meals throughout the day. As long as exceptions are recognized and allowances are made, I guess it's fine. And as long as parents take into consideration that their child might have a condition if they resist adhering to certain mealtimes, and don't assume by default that the child is being willful, then that's fine.
I hope I made it clear that the "swinging fists" thing was a metaphor and that I wasn't actually advocating anyone punching anyone else. "Your right to swing your fists begins where the other person's nose ends" is a fairly common expression where I live, so I just wanted to keep that phrasing intact.
Thanks for engaging me in conversation. :)
That difference between the US and France is well summarized in the motto "Liberty Equality Fraternity" vs just "Liberty" that is expected to be self-sufficient in America...
There's a social conditionality in the french approach of liberty that I find more realistic, even if some people are being excessive sometimes, at the end of the day it builds a more peaceful society...
As you said, can't satisfy all egos at the same time, just can't...
I’m American and I’m frustrated a lot with American style parenting. For one, when you have a baby, you’re expected to have 100% of your life revolve around them and like you guys said, it’s like a badge of honor to say you haven’t had a date night with your husband in months or years. You’re basically rewarded for losing yourself entirely when you become a mother, but then you’re judged harshly for “letting yourself go”. Well, when you are called selfish and treated like a lesser mother for working out and prioritizing time for yourself, what do they expect is going to happen? So many people here prioritize their kids wayyy more than their marriage, but my husband and I are SO much happier in life in general because we make our marriage a big priority. To some people that means you don’t love your kids as much and that’s crazy to me. We like to let our kids “be kids”, but to a point. A lot of people here will just let their kids destroy things (particularly things in public or things that aren’t theirs) and say “oh, they’re just being kids, we shouldn’t stop them”, or their kids will hit other kids and they’ll do nothing about it. A lot of kids in the same age group as our kids are really entitled and spoiled, and it’s really sad. Like, Christmas comes and they’re like “you want and iPad, sure! And a new Xbox? Of course! You want to have screen time for half the day? Sure! You want an iPhone and social media accounts? Why not?” and there’s very little thought for not just giving kids what they want if you have the money. I’ve also encountered this attitude of pity from other parents that if you don’t get your kids tons of Christmas presents, and you don’t have your life revolve around your kids doing whatever activities they want, and they have to share a room with their siblings. For the record, it’s not like I’m a perfect parent at ALL. We have 6 kids (3 bio 3 step) and it’s basically a post apocalyptic situation over here. It’s just that I feel frustrated often because I don’t fit in with American parenting even though I am American and have spent my whole life here.
It's fine, just do things your way
@@emmaphilo4049 we do, and we won’t change that. Just sharing some frustrations since they’re talking about this in the video. Thank you though 😊
I completely agree. Christmas especially is hard because my kids’ friends will get $1000 worth of gifts and we give our kids 3 gifts. We make sure it is something they will love. We are not cheap or broke we simply don’t want to be wasteful and spoil our kids. I also am trying this year to teach them the “joy of giving” and making the focus on that rather than what they want to get. It’s definitely a part of American parenting I could do without (the over spoiling/overconsumption)..
I have pets and I know it’s not as complex as kids, but in some ways they’re like babies and I train them from puppyhood not to be too pushy, obnoxious and poorly socialized with people. Some breeds are easier than others (mine are mostly poodles or terrier mixes) but honestly the same principles apply. You are a human with boundaries, and they must learn from you and from other older dogs to some extent!
Don’t let it get you down!! Carve out time for you, and you & hubs! It’s crazy to sacrifice yourself totally for children. They grow up and leave if you’re lucky and raised them well!!
Hello!
I'm French and when I was a child I was very very shy even with my own family. And of course I had to say hello to everyone but I think it was a very good thing because I didn't have to be shy and if my parents didn't insist perhaps I would stay shy and wouldn't go through this. To let a child don't say hello can be seen as a " you are True, there is something to be affraid of,here".
Also it is a matter of : yes you can be shy but that does not prevent you to be polite and respectful with other People.
As a French father, there are definitely so many things we expect our children to do the right way and as I grew up in a rather strict family in the 80s, I can tell you that now parenting in France is so much more relaxed, but also very demanding. We have two kids and living abroad, it's always a nightmare when going to visit our families because our relatives expect our children to behave in a certain way, but my wife and I never wanted to reproduce the authoritarian frame we had as kids (in the 80s and before, parents were a lot stricter) but after some time, we found out that you need to be respected but your children, but not feared, so we didn't use threats like the "fessée" which was a very common thing to do to make your children obey,so we feared a lot our parents for that because it was socially accepted to "correct" your children. Anyway, we've been separated from our families all those years but there's still a lot of pressure coming from them, especially our mothers who can be very judgmental regarding the education you give to your children. After some years, came back to France so our elder son has integrated a lot of the social rules in primary school, although he was always standing out for his frankness with teachers, expressing out loud what he thought about this or that. So, as my son was born abroad and we had no family around, we had to learn how to be parents the hard way, without any help from relatives as it is very common in France, grandparents usually look after the kids when you need to go out, that gives you a lot more freedom and less worries as you trust them more than any random babysitter. That made my wife very anxious during the first years, she was over protective with our son and he didn't sleep through the night until he was 2, needless to say we were knackered.For my daughter, who was born later when we were in France, but still far from our families, it was such a big change, she slept through the night almost from the beginning, and being more relaxed and experienced, we felt much less stress and pressure, but she has always been very stubborn, and make her say bonjour, s'il te plaît, merci has always been a fight. And the fact that we live again abroad makes it still hard as here, kids are all very "impolite" in the French perspective but we still try to make her adopt those basic social skills as we consider them as essential to become responsible adults. As a conclusion, I would say that everybody wants his children to behave well, but it's a daily struggle and the fact that close families like grandparents will try make you change your way of raising your kids can be very annoying sometimes, and even lead to conflicts.
Hi! Where do you live? I live in Spain and I find Spanish kids very rude... always demanding stuff, screaming, eating junk food... they are not taught basic politeness like hello, thank you like we do in France. When I go to a restaurant in France I see parents and children talk together (almost like adults) whereas here it is very common to see kids playing games on a cell phone or even watching something. With no headphones of course... "enfant roi" all the way 😕
@@perthfanny3017 Right now I live in Finland where parents are really permissive with their children. I don't say they are bad parents at all, it's just that the rules of politeness and good behaviour are not the same here, especially for kids. Concerning behaviour in public spaces, they're not that rude, it's just that they are more or less free to do what they want, but overall, Finnish people are quite respectful and discreet, and very shy as well, so it's not real rudeness. It's more about how kids behave when invited for example, when my kids have their friends at home, they come in but don't say hello to us, their friends' parents, and this is to me particularly rude. They just don't acknowledge your presence. Or they will not hesitate to visit the house, instead of staying in the room where my kids are. So, of course, I saw it happening in France, but with 4 year old kids, not teenagers. Or, when using the sink to wash their hands, they just let the water run all the time, splashing around the sink, or letting lights on when leaving the room. So, my kids have become like small police men, when a friend is around, they just tell them "shut the water down" or things like that. Of course, every Finnish kid is not like that, but it seems quite mainstream. So, in the end, it becomes even harder to require our kids to behave in a certain way meanwhile their friends don't follow those rules. But the teachers noted that our kids were pretty polite at school. :-)
@@Redgethechemist thank you so much for your very detailed answer. Such an interesting insight! The fact Finnish kids would just go around the house, don't say hi definitely feels weird. They actually seem quite "sans-gêne"...
@@perthfanny3017 Exactly what we thought, but there must also be some generational factors, youngsters in France also have a different behaviour nowadays. Probably some families don't value this anymore. When I read the news and see what happens now in secondary school in France shocks me sometimes, even the most agitated pupils at my time would have never dared to insult or beat a professor. I totally get the fact that sometimes kids can be a bit rude, because they don't feel comfortable in some situations, I can see that my own kids are sometimes a bit clumsy in their social interactions. And kids nowadays don't comply easily to the rules we impose them.
@@perthfanny3017 definitely true! I was an au pair in Spain and the father in my host family explained to me that it was normal that the kids don't tell me please, thank you or even hello! They have very different politeness rules and Spanish kids are educated to do as they feel
Yea! So fun talking about all things French Parenting with you! 🥰
Hey
Great to hear that experience.
Whatever happens, keep doing your best, raising kids is hard and you seem to be doing a seriously good job
Interesting perspective :)
I live in Paris coming from aborad and definitively adopted some of the french techniques. For babies, everything is about rituals, we just had twin daughters, they're 3 months now and they've been sleeping through the night since 2 months. Some nights are more complicated than others but still mostly ok. They sometimes wake up and we wake up with them, keep an ear listening to see if they really need us or not but leave them manage themselves, usually they end up going back to sleep. I hope this will last enough time before first teeth start bringing up troubles at night :s
Another thing about not making your baby the absolute center of the world, it's not about neglecting or being lazy, it's more about teaching the child that he's part of a society, he is one person among others, he must take into account his environment and other people, his needs are not more important than others needs, etc. The idea is to have responsible adults that think about the society and do not act like brats, which I completely embrace as a way of educating. As you said, you have to teach frustration, life is not easy and will definitely not be in the future so they better be ready for it.
This is so interesting!! I remember reading the book "Bringing up Bebe" which is an American woman's experience having a child in France. It was so helpful to see the different social structures for parents in France. I hope I can draw from some of these ideas when I have my own kids
As a french young woman but not yet a mom, I never really thought about it but I can relate a lot to what you said in the way my parents raised my siblings and I. What's interesting is that my parents and grandparents sometimes complain that nowadays, in their opinion, parents don't set enough limits to their kids and don't teach them enough how to deal with frustration anymore. They say it has to do with the aftermath of 1968. Being probably too young I don't know where I stand on this question. Anyway, being myself in an international relationship it was super interesting to hear you comparing the different parenting styles and showing that there are many ways to do that the children can benefit from!
Easy. French parent don’t worry about food, because there is no chemicals (GMO’s, sprays, mass (nasty) farming, steroids). They let them eat everything because compared to the USA the food is amazing.
Sir you are not a food chemists. GMOS are not toxic, pesticides are less dangerous than coffee, I could go on. Food science babe on Instagram is a good chemists and she debunks a lot of this pseudoscience that has become popular.
@@Kokilovesreno why are we seeing more caner than ever before? If pesticides are designed to kill animals how could they not affect us negatively?
@@indy2316 the amount of pesticides in produce is not enough to affect us sir. Anything a certain amounts can be toxic. GMOS help with eliminating pesticides even more so if anything you should be encouraging more gmos. GMOs have been around since the beginning of farming in different ways but nonetheless still a type of gmo.
@@Kokilovesreno how do you know this? The pesticide companies? Truth is we don't know the effects, but severe damage has been shown in animal studies, and 70% of children show contamination. Pesticide runoff also destroys aquatic life in waterways, probably not good for the world.
www.scientificamerican.com/article/plant-pesticides-health/
@@indy2316 Honestly, it's quite absurd to talk about pesticides as a whole.
Some are more dangerous that others, obviously.
I got to agree that we, in France, tend to be too harsh on those on even more on GMO.
On the other hand we probably have the best quality of food you could find anywhere. (The perfect climates and the surroundings countries play their roles as well)
GMO is a tool, to be honest all the product we eat were changed "genetically" through different methods.
Ban ALL GMOs is stupid as hell, some could allow us to get rid of some harmful pesticide (mostly to the farmers or environnement, but some are even dangerous to the consumer).
For example I don't really understand why we are obsessed over glypgosate. It's one of the less dangerous pesticides ever, both to the environnement and to us. I know it's form Monsanto, but for example Google is the best product, even though it's a huge company.
hahahah ! A lot of babies in France say "attends" as theirs first word
Lol that’s hilarious and impressive. I love the idea of french style parenting for young kids. It takes into account that the mom counts too.
It's the very first time I hear that ! I do not think it's true (or if it is, it concerns very specific families and I never heard of it) Most babies I know of, said "mama" or "papa" as their first word (I am french, with three kids, and many other babies, nefews etc around me)
@@redmoonvenus7327 Ca a été mon premier mot parce que si je réclamais à manger ou autre, ma mère disais "Attends, maman t'apporte à manger", "Attends, je vais chercher ta peluche" etc. Donc oui ça arrive :)
It is true, the first word after Papa and Maman, pipi, caca, is "attends" = "wait"
@@loustic59vda not for the babies I've known then.....
As a fellow New Zealander (hi!) living in France, and a mum of a “Friwi” toddler, I found this super interesting. My parenting style is at times vastly different to my husband’s and reconciling this, especially in the first year of our parenting journey was not always easy and has been a steep learning curve. At the end of the day, what I’ve learnt is that you can have one way, and your partner another and at the end of the day, the child will be OK. It teaches them that people are individuals with different perspectives and different ways of being and ultimately these kids get to benefit from the best of both styles. The key is not to undermine one another, that’s where you need to demonstrate and model respect for one another’s differences. Often easier said than done! 🤣
My French Canadian behind had to run the gauntlet of relatives too, every time we had company over.
Manners. Dear God, manners. If I pulled the nonsense I see now from school aged kids, my father would have buried me in the backyard.
Acting up disrespects the people around you, your family/parents and you disrespect yourself per my mom.
I can remember being 3 yeaes old saying hello to adults, and I hope you are well.
I really love a lot of those thoughts on child rearing. Self soothing and able to be calm, at a very young age, is wonderful. Patience is really a great virtue to be taught. (from Sandi)
Ah ! The respect, such a big concept in France! We are asked quite as soon as possible to say "bonjour, s'il te plaît, merci, au revoir" because it's a sign we exist through the other's eyes (I believe deeply it's the reason we do this with such dedication), we are learned to not disrupt the others when they speak (even if some don't follow this rule as a child or as an adult, they aren't seen as well as the others). We learn to be as autonomous as possible depending of your age and your abilities.
I remember (I was quite young at that time) and I asked for a candy to my grandmother in a shop and she refused even if I did a tantrum (even at home she still refused).
So feel you on the respect thing. It's really such a sign of acknowledging the other person's existance and by not saying Bonjour, you are giving like a flat out, i don't care about you, impression. In the US, i think please and thank you is very important and taught to kids, but less this idea of Bonjour.
Yeah, I think Spanish are the worst :) but so alive and fun!
ta grand-mere etait une idiote. c'est aujourdhui que tu te souviens de sa refute de te donner des bombons. domage et surement tu prends des antidepresseurs au lie de bombons, sad. (sorry about my bad French). Ma grand-mare etait francaise, elle n'etait pas une idiote mais je déteste la France, dégoutante
Doctors and nurses usually aren't trained about breastfeeding questions, but this does not stop them from giving advice.
Breastfeeding is advised by the WHO (OMS) until 18 mo (and exclusively until about 6 mo) because it is the best option for babies' health. However, even organizations such as La Leche League will not force this on a mom, because it is a team's choice (baby+mother), where the father could find his place as well. In France, Milk lobbies are so powerful that we are late about this. It is not a sign that we are advanced !
Also, there are a lot of neurosciences studies and data available now that one can read about in order to know how brains develop, and the stages of this development throughout the first years. Education specialists who are up-to-date with the latest studies advocate that it is normal that babies will not sleep through the night, that a baby who has needs (which are expressed the only way they can) should not be left crying (because cortisol will be produced in their brains and have lasting consequences on their development) : if a 3mo ends up stop crying on their own, it is not education but resignation...
France is still very much influenced by older ways of thinking and by psychoanalysis. We should read the latest education theories and listen to specialists, such as Catherine Dumonteil-Kremer or Isabelle Filliozat, rather than follow conventions and our parents generation's advice...
Glad someone else mentioned the milk formula lobbies in France. I always get shut down saying it's not allowed, but my god you can still see it happening. And I really don't know if I like how Kate's doctor didn't try to find an alternative solution with her breastfeeding problem or even ask if she wanted to continue, just told her straight up to give up and go to formula. Ultimately it was Kate's choice, but I do find there is a heavy push for formula only in France.
Yes, that’s such a shame. It’s sounds like the standard for mums is to not really be supported to breastfeed. To me, it re-enforces the image of French culture as very narrow minded, non inclusive, outdated ideals.
@@aeolia80 she was bleeding... of course the doctor said stop !
@@kimc555 No, we are encourage to breastfeed, but "my body, my choice" goes for that too... we know it's best for the baby, but we aren't just mum, we are women, and we suffer anoff in our life to not wanting suffering for feeding our baby.
I fail to see why breastfeeding is better than formula, I mean yeah there are probably differences and in some cases breastfeeding might help some babies with fragile health systems but 90% of France current adults grew up on Formula and they don't seem to have any specific health issue, nor have there been a rise in babies mortality in the past because of Formula. The milk lobby pushes for Formula mostly for financial reasons, it's definitely cheaper to breastfeed than to buy formula but that's a choice. We did both, cause we had twins and breastfeeding exclusively was a nightmare, and out daughters are just fine :)
As hopefully a future french parent, I would love to have my kids be cultured and feel involved in the world (as I did when I was a kid), have a voice at the table to express their opinions on a subject even in front of adults. Have that debate culture which I find so important.
However I feel like French society can be very normative and I would love for my kids to be able to develop their creativity, feel empowered and confident enough to pursue their goals even if they are disruptive.
I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with my first child and I LOVE this video! I've been feeling a lot of pressure to breastfeed my baby and I am worried I won't even be able to. I love the realistic French approach to this topic. I also love that it seems like children are an addition to the family, not the only family member. It's so refreshing to hear that taking care of myself and my relationship with my husband is also important and having children is not an all or nothing sacrifice. Merci!
I’ve got to say, some of the videos you share make me so nervous about ever living in France but the vast majority just make me love the idea. There really are pros and cons to every country and you hightlight them all beautifully. I love the French parenting style, especially. Such a great way to balance your life with your child.
I really appreciate their honesty.
My experience working in 2 primary schools in France was yes, they were patient, but you could see that the kids under 10 were forcing themselves to be that way. And when their French teachers left the room and I had to manage them, they would often turn just as unruly and annoying as Australian kids, then switch back to being well behaved when their real teacher came back, hahaha.
I don't think it's fear. I really think kids understand the teacher is some kind of super-human to trust and listen to. my daughter has always shown some signs of...worshipping?... For her teachers. I've always been told what a wonderful kid she is at school and I have had a lot of crying as soon as we were at home because she had to let out quite a lot of frustration built up throughout the day.
Exactly my experience here in France I'm a teacher of 20 years experience and French kids are the naughtiest kids I've ever taught, my students in New Zealand were driven to learn for their love of learning with very minimal punishment needed, the kids here are bribed to learn/behave and they are driven by the fear of disappointing their parents, they are little angels in front of authority figures but little devils when they leave the room lol they swear like fishermen's wives and blow their top at the poor child that transgresses them in someway with overarching statements like 'you're a thief! You're disgusting! You're worthless! Could go on lol so yeah I think you guys need to hang out in the playground during recess more 😅
That's the way kids should be. Education plays a role, understandably, but rearing inhibited robotic self-effacing, affected, pseudoadult, overadapted, overadjusted, sad hypercritical pedantic morons, not the way to go. Une horreur
@@tataramoa2834 I'm afraid I was not clear enough so I'd like to clarify it a little bit :-) I am not a child professional so I am not very qualified, I am a language teacher and I was only sharing my French father's experience. My daughter is only being at school for 2 years now so I realized she developped two types of personnalities: one in society and one with her parents. I wouldn't say she is naughty with me when she's suddenly crying as soon as we get home, I only think she needs venting because she had to behave for a long time and I chose to let her do so without punishment. I don't think she's afraid at school, at least for now, she might be afraid of disappointing me though. I am not convinced kids fear their teacher even if I don't have your experience. I would say that you don't appear as an authority figure to them which might be the underlying problem. I would not qualify this as hypocrisy but rather that they don't understand they need to behave in front of you just yet.
@@LesHistoiresMagiques7 I was replying to Thesaurus' comment but I know exactly what you mean about them not realizing I'm an authority figure yet and I get that kids can be like this with foreign teachers who don't speak their language perfectly etc but we have also had the unique experience of living in a french school literally in the same building and living with a French family for a while and you can see even without being in the picture they have very different patterns of behaviour with ppl they respect, with their peers and with people they don't respect, these extremes are not something that you'll see in our kids from New Zealand unless there are some serious issues going on lol but we of course love them all the same because their politesse usually wins you over in the end;)😆
This might sound random but have you guys heard of the book “So Good They Can’t Ignore You” by Cal Newport? I think because of your (Rosie’s) business, badass careers, you’d be super interested in it. It’s about the real reasons behind why and how people love their careers and are passionate about them, and how “just follow your passion” culture can be super toxic. It was SO informative and interesting. I feel like it also relates to American parenting (and I’m sure other countries too) because of how so many kids here are raised to be dreamers and are told to follow their passions, which isn’t inherently bad, but for many, it’s to a point that they can’t handle the realities and harshness of adulthood, being in the workforce, etc.
Two of my favorite youtubers back together again (virtually). I love it!
The "King of the House" thing doesn't usually happen in African American families.
I love the French parenting! When I heard about it a while ago it made me have hope that I can live a good life while being a mother, wife and daughter friend and business woman.
Now I understand why I ought to greet people in France - it reminds me of my mom and grandma who are Indo-European and they are all for respect and as of lately I’ve realized I don’t think I’ve been as respectful as I should be since I know better but it was easier to rebel and be distant however now hearing and learning about different cultures I realized I’ve done more damage to myself than anything.
Thank you for your input, I really enjoyed it!
Très belle vidéo de toute les deux. J'aime beaucoup quand vous faites cela !
I, who am now a (a little more) old dad who was brought up strictly (but with a lot of love), have a few remarks.
Regarding breast-feeding, the French prefer to have the choice. They know all the advantages of the breast, but they make their choice and it would be inappropriate to point out to them, one way or the other. My son was not raised at the breast, my nephews and nieces were ... no noticeable difference, neither in health nor in character;)
As for politeness, good education, it depends on the references of the family. In mine, French and Italian by my maternal grandmother, there was no question of appearing rude. A slap on the buttocks, on the back of the head was the immediate sanction. We did not suffer because the love of our parents was never questioned. We knew we had done something wrong and we knew the reason for the punishment. And seriously, we preferred the spanking (quick and not very painful) to a softer but longer punishment (stay in your room, copy a hundred times "I wouldn't do anything stupid, etc).
Today my son must have received at least 3 spankings in his life (he is 25 years old) and my nephews and nieces about as many. The time is no longer for corporal punishment and that is fine.
Regarding family life when the baby arrives (especially the first): The newborn is invited to his family. It will change shape, obviously, but it will not revolutionize everyone's life. It is a welcome. Sleep is more or less well managed. Some children can sleep very early (it was the case with mine .... yep!); others don't! it's a bit like the lottery. What matters is the calm, the confidence that the newborn can have in the daily routine. Nothing is more disturbing for the baby than not having a very clear rhythm.
The other side of this education is the "coolness" that parents can have. As soon as the child perceives that nothing is terribly serious around him, that the passage of time has been explained to him (wait, it will come, I'll be back in two sleeps ...) little by little l he integration of time becomes natural.
At the same time, we like to give our children the most freedom, without drama. They can hear phrases like: "play together but don't hurt each other" or sometimes "fight but don't hurt yourself", see, when children play bandits, adventurers and other pirates, "kill "but don't hurt yourself," which is a form of learning irony.
I greatly agree with you on the fact that French-style education does not give enough space to building self-confidence, to innovation, to not being "like the others". From this point of view, Anglo-Saxon education is much more interesting.
We want our children to know how to behave in society in addition to being polite, sensitive, intelligent, ...... The reality is very different but we try anyway.
And no, we don't force our toddlers to sit at the table too long - the poor darlings couldn't take it anymore - but they can't: shout for attention, walk out of the table without asking. We do not go to a restaurant with a rowdy child (there is one), or we make sure that he can be occupied without causing a problem; a drawing book, a small game, small cars, a doll can do the trick. It should not bother the other guests. The ideal being to be able to let him go and play outside if the place allows it or in a dedicated room when it exists.
Finally, life being full of surprises, everything that I have just told can be forgotten when the child has a more temperamental character, or is handicapped or something else.
I repeat to you all the good that I think of you two.
Take care of yourself
(PS : This time, thanks to Google Translate )
One interesting thing to do is to teach some sign language for basic concepts. They can start communicating earlier with signs than with words. It also introduces language routines early.
Oooh I love this video, it's funny to see how you see our way of educating and thinking. As a French, I would say that we are a lot pro-breastfeeding, but your body, your choice. We see that more natural and better for the health, but at the same time, no woman should be shame for not wanting to or not being able to. For the "hello" part I completely agree, even if you're shy, you say hello, even for behind your daddy or mum... But, I think now, we have a best understanding of consent, and if "hello" is just being polite, no bise or kiss by force, you don't seat on the knee of someone if you don't want to... their body, their choice ^^. And yes, we speak normally to a baby or a child, because it's the best way for them to learn how to speak well.
I agree, in France, we have more a way of thinking "stay in your place", even more in the working class... but it's changing, and I think future generation will be more open to say what they think and try different thinks. But, as a child, my dad always tried to help us to be creative, try, find something we like to do. We were making shows, and songs, and sketches, and we were drawing, some of my friends were painting (and still are), etc etc...
This was very interesting. I could have kept listening to the two of you for another hour. Great content as usual! :)
I love when you guys collaborate! More please.
A double dose!!! Yaaaaas this is making my quarantine so much better
Glad you enjoyed!!! :)
Always enjoy watching you two chat.
Another insightful video Rosie. Thank you. I've always wondered about these differences.
I've been raised a big part by my grandparents, the oldest one was born in 1925, we were 70 years apart, the respect and patience was not a joke haha. Besides, you didn't mentionned the good manners at table, I have memories to have to behave like a little adult with my fork and knives very young, like 4 or 5 !
« Don’t open your mouth when eating, it’s disgusting » but it’s so true tho. 😂
@@kinou_clem__6366 yes totally ! The posture, hands on table, wait every one is served before start eating
@@bom5594 My boyfriend is French too but wasn’t raised like that. And when he eat with one hand and don’t put the other one on the table I can’t stop myself from telling him 😅 I just can’t not say something ...
@@kinou_clem__6366 haha at least the mouth is closed 😉 as I said it was grandparent's education, maybe the generations after had been less strict on the etiquette at table ☺️
Well, I am 18 and have been raised by my parents, born in 1968 and 1973. I agree that the etiquette during the meals is far less strict that it was just 1 gen before. Things like having both hands on the table, or no elbow on the table, or always having a towel around your neck or next to your plate (which can be necessary if you let some food fall on you for example or if you dirty your mouth but otherwise isn't in my opinion) have totally disappeared between my parents (well, only my father) and I.
May be it is also because my mother doesn't have a metropolitan French origin as the rules for that are not the same in French Guiana.
I was just thaught not to eat with the mouth open (which is still as disgusting as it was 40 years ago), to empty my dish (even if I don't really like, that rule became softer and softer over time), and not to eat at random times. We actually have large margins, between 7:30 and 8:30 for example, unlike my grandparents (from my father's side) who eat at 12am and 7pm, and not one minute later.
I can confirm that both of my parents were far less strict than their parents were in a more general way (I don't think I will make so much difference with them otherwise it would be litteral anarchy, even if I am not saying that I plan (I have no plan) to raise my potential children exactly as they did for me).
Bravo to you both! Such a pleasure listening to you. Bless you, massive hugs, Anouche.
I loved this idea for a video and I would be very interested in a spin off series with all the French parenting techniques/tips/advice etc you've both picked up in your experiences around parenting in France.
The US culture seems the hardest motherhood culture to me. In Canada, we owe our maternity leave to the breastfeeding movement. And in France, there’s an expectation to return to your pre-baby self but there’s no cultural expectation to breastfeed. But in the US, there’s an expectation to breastfeed and yet there’s no legislated maternity leave.
hi Rosie, Kate, thanks a lot for this video, it's absolutely amazing and full of information! In Poland we still have this thinking that child is a center of the world, there's huge number of mothers who forget there's a world except their children, which is so sad! Also, it's almost a crime not to breastfeed your child, omg...I've never thought I'd said this but i really like french approach of being a woman, not only a mother, as well teaching children how to sleep and be patient...
Btw - Rosie, you are glowing in this video, you look absolutely beautiful!
In Canada, children are the centre of our world too. But I personally like it because the Bible says it should be that way and Faith is #1 for me. However I do see the other side to it and I think each person should live however it serves them best so I have no judgement towards women who dont make their child centre of their life😊🤍
In Canada, nobody cares or even asks if you will be breastfeeding. I am thankful for that because again I feel each mom should do whatever serves them best.😊🤍
This is fascinating. I have a French mother. I came to America as a baby. She raised us just as you described. I am the oldest of 5 and I watched my mother treat my siblings (and me I'm sure) as mini adults. There was no baby talk which is different than my US friends. Children were taught very early to talk and act like adults or be quiet. Children were NOT first in everything, which is a good thing. In the U.S. children run the household. American kids are spoiled brats. I am a new subscriber, thank you for a great video.
French mom here. Indeed this the way we raise the mini-adults. Now they’re 25 and 20. I love them. However I need to put a stop to the grand parents who love spoiling them. Every time they came from a week with the grannies, my husband and I needed to remake their education! Bummer!
Breast feeding was 3 weeks for the eldest and 3 days for the second. Not my thing and no guiltiness.
I never forced them to say bonjour/au revoir, nor kissing if they didn’t feel to. For the pumping up, totally agree. Here is where my style differed with my husband’s: I was in the encouragement of following their dreams or wills and their dad was more conventional: “si t’es pas bon en maths t’es perdu dans la vie”. So agree with you 100%!
French parents aren’t helicopter 🚁 parents. They get their threat in early. French kids aren’t picky eaters because it simply isn’t allowed.
But science has proven that there is a reason that some kids are picky. It has to do with super tastebuds. At 63, if I don’t like something I will gag on it and throw up. It’s not always a choice. And because of how I am I told my son not to base his likes and dislikes on mine and to at leastag taste something. He loves broccoli and I gag at just the smell of it.
I am French and I am a picky eater. I would like to eat everything, life would be so much easier, but I just can't, otherwise I vomit (maybe because I am hypersensitive). And I am happy that my parents never forced me to eat something or to stay at the table until I finish my plate (what my Mum had to do as a child), because it wouldn't change anything of my taste but my relationship with them would have been damaged.
@@morganel8208 I'm a French picky eater too :)
@@morganel8208. Morgane, your exception is NOT the general trend.
@@morganel8208 I'm a picky eater and actually have an oppostie view, I blame my parents for it, they never forced me to eat vegetables so I never got used to the taste. Until I was 18, I ate 0 vegetables... I only then realized that I was heading a dangerous path for my health so I decided to start introducing vegetables slowly, it was a nightmare, and up until now I can't eat a salad even if I can eat several vegetables without any problem. I'm pretty sure that if my parents pressured me as a kid to at least eat some from time to time, I won't be in this situation and my college years would have been much easier.
Wonderful parenting style!
What a wonderful way to raise children!
She is an important person of our family BUT not the only person or the most important person.
I love both your channels! I would just like to make a couple comments as a US mom here... your depiction of mother hood in the US is spot on and I wish it were more like France, however I want to add that all this pressure on moms in the US is a relatively new phenomenon. My mother and grandmother were never pressured to breastfeed, nor to be some super mom where all their attention was bestowed upon their children, and the best advocates I’ve had when the going was tough was from them to let go of all the noise and let the kids “cry it out” or buy a bottle of formula, etc! Women in the US are in general very judgmental of each other regarding motherhood and it needs to change, imho.
So excited that this subject has been opened! After Kate's apartment tour I have sooooooo many child and child-rearing questions. Prepare yourselves! :-)
I breastfed for 4 years, we did baby led weaning, co-sleeping , baby wearing and baby sign language. Many parents are changing their views now on how to raise their kids, and we're not a large minority anymore. We rely on latest studies on neurosciences, people like Filliozat or Catherine Gueguen, but you'd still have old school parents raising their kid as some people described in the comments.
About saying bonjour, kids are imitating a lot, mine is naturally saying Bonjour and Merci just because she's seen me do it. I never forced her to do so nor other kids around me. I think it tends a lot to the circle you are evolving in, cause the parents around me are pretty much the same and if I had someone giving la fessée in my house, I'd quickly show them the door.
About breastfeeding though, I also read lots of comment about lobbying and that's a real scandal. When you start to get interested in it, you encover loads of crap. Breastfeeding in France really is a big fighting subject.
Ya to hear that it’s probably not common for mums to get proper breastfeeding support nor to have breastfeeding in public an okay thing ... to me, shows France isn’t really about ‘for the greater good of the masses’.
Also there is a tradition in the psychoanalytic field (ej. Dolto und so weiter), particularly poignant in the past in France, where breastfeeding was key to the baby's nurture and its inception in the realms of meaning, affectivity and sexuality (future development thereof). I find ludicrous that these ladies treat the subject of parenting without regard to knowledge about attachment theory (Bowlby), language acquisition, personality development and so on. It makes me wonder what a child is to them, or rather for them, in the sense that she might use the little énfant as a quasi-accesory, which is truly revolting
@@JohnZaabi Breastfeeding theories are just that... theories. You can always find studies that support whatever vision of education you want, and the trend changes every decade... My example is not a rule of course but most kids around me have taken formula and some were breastfed, I even have a friend who breastfed the first but not the second, there is absolutely no difference. Both kids are healthy, they're teenagers now and the kid that had formula is even more successful at school, not that it means anything. As much as there is a milk and formula lobby in France, it seems there is a breastfeeding cult in some countries probably linked to the trend of "naturel" "organic" living. Anyway, as long as each mother get's to chose whatever she wants... that's all that matters.
Is la fessee still common? It seems to be going out of fashion.
@Hope Gardner I guess it depends on where you live, the circle of people you have. No one around me gives la fessée, but I see it regularly in stores and quick reading of reactions over social media makes you realize how many French still think that it "has never killed anyone". But it's more than going out of fashion, it has been voted as a law in 2019 and it was very controversial too, mind you.
Very interesting video! Thanks for sharing. Love the hair & make up Rosie!!
I just want to say how much I enjoyed this video today. It was so interesting to hear the difference In parenting. It makes me want to move to France 🇫🇷
Bonjour,
C'est toujours intéressant d'avoir d'autres points de vue.
Merci. Gros bisous à vous.
Just in time for Chanukah! A double dose of my favorite youtubers!!
Enjoyed this as a multi-national. Thanks!
This is sooo interesting... Im married and thinking about kids and i love this video! Thank you for sharing
I had a different path as I am a single parent but I wish I had implemented some of that French structure. I'm hoping it's not too late ... as self soothing is not my sons strong point around bed time ... and lots of other times. Let the lessons in patience and self soothing commence 😊
This conversation is really delicious! Love you 💕
Fascinating!!
There's a lot one could comment on in this video. I have raised two French-Swedish children (now 18 and 21), alone these last 5 years but before that together with their French father and, quite often, the whole French family ... :)) No, that's slightly exaggerated, but in our French family at least, especially the grand-parents were more involved in the upbringing of the children than in most Swedish families. This was both very irritating and very good. It was irritating for example when my mother-in-law was subtly trying to influence me to stop breastfeeding since she thought my daughter was too old for it, or when my husband's grandmother thought it slightly ridiculous that I insist so much on protecting my baby correctly (and law-abidingly) when in a car and tried to persuade me out of this unnecessary idea, but it was really great to go with the family at large to a restaurant, knowing that everybody would be helping out in taking care of the kids. (In this French family of ours, of course the children are expected to behave in restaurants, but there is also a sound understanding of the needs of children to run around and make noise, so whenever the acute need for it arose, all the adults, grand-parents, uncles and aunts, grand-uncles and the grandmother's cousins alike, would take turns in bringing all the kids outside so that the young parents could also breathe a bit and take part in the adult conversations going on around the table - that was wonderful! The idea, I think, is that the children "belong" not only to their parents but to the whole family.) I suspect that the variations you can meet in France in how "harshly" or strictly you educate your children might have a lot to do with class, which it certainly has in other countries as well, come to think of it. "My" French family (me and my ex husband are divorced now but we have a great friendship and I still think of his family as mine somehow) could perhaps be qualified as educated middle-class of rural origin; they are mostly city dwellers now, but they haven't forgotten their rural roots. They are educated, very civilised and well-behaved people but certainly not "bourgeois". My ex husband and his brother and cousins normally had all their meals with their parents, something which is not always (or not so often?) the case in more "bourgeois" French families I know or have heard of, where the children eat at least their evening meal alone in the kitchen, and the parents have theirs a bit later in the dining room.
But let's talk some more about breastfeeding, for it's an interesting subject. In Sweden, it's almost an obligation for mothers to breastfeed, which can be cruel sometimes; I think that there should be some more understanding here for mothers who find it too difficult or who really don't want to do it. We Swedes have a very Protestant tendency to moralise and we love to tell others what they should or should not do, something which I've grown to detest after too many years abroad in mainly Catholic countries. But in Sweden, you mostly get very good help when you struggle to breastfeed despite good intentions. My first-born, who was born in Sweden, didn't manage her part of the work too well and so within a day only, she had made my nipples bleed and it hurt horrendously every time I fed her. My nipples stayed sore for a couple of months, but I very quickly got help from the medical mother-and-child care, who helped me with some tricks and tips to help my daughter both aim right and latch on correctly, plus a silicon nipple cover; these simple measures almost immediately fixed the situation. In France, I suspect that they would just have told me to stop breastfeeding and not bother ... In fact, despite these initial difficulties, I went on breastfeeding both my children for a very long time and I loved it so much. (They did too, haha, for they wouldn't stop until I forced them to.) That fact, however, was the source of embarrassment and comments in France. You see, if you absolutely insist on breastfeeding you should really know when to stop, and that time limit probably lies somewhere between three weeks and, at the very latest, 6 months. I went on for much longer and had to suffer (in fact, very moralising!) comments like "You know that you are a slave to her, don't you?" or "You know that she's using you as a comforter (pacifier), don't you?" or "You know it's not good for the shape of your breasts, don't you?". I was banished for my breastfeeding to a dark corner far away from the fun conversation in an all-female group at a wedding. Had she been smaller, I'm sure they still would have found it adorable, but she was already a 9-month old baby and this was awkward, even though the ongoing activities were discretely hidden under a shawl. (Of course! I wouldn't have dared do otherwise.) However, this attitude to breastfeeding might be quite new in France, and also predominantly urban - not so long ago, according to some members of my French family, in the French countryside at least, women actually breastfed their children for 2, 3 or even 4 years. I'm sure that behind this change lie modern working conditions; French women in most cases continue working after having children but have a very short mothers' leave, which makes it impossible to breastfeed full-time for more than a brief period. There is perhaps also the more or less conscious idea that breasts are not primarily meant for the children but for the man, which might be linked by the greater importance attached to the parents as a couple, not only as parents, in France as compared to let's say Northern Europe or perhaps also North America. (There might also be a component of pure Southern European machismo to the breast thing - she is my woman and her breasts belong to me - but let's not go further down that risky road.)
All this annoyed me to the extreme, for it was strictly not their business what I chose to do with my body and my children, and well ... not all men are very much into breasts anyway ;) (And by the way, that comment about the breast shape proved to be utterly wrong, thank you, they are still in rather splendid shape more than 20 years later. Who knows, it might be due to breastfeeding for a long time, not in spite of it.)
I appreciate many aspects of the French child-rearing style: the affection shown to children by many people around them, their sense of family, the fact that they have understood the benefits of a functioning love relationship between the parents, also as a means of preserving the family, the importance of having consideration for others and understanding that you're not the centre of the world and even the relative firmness of that frame you're talking about in the video. As a Swede, I do however dislike the sometimes suffocating meddling from the family at large into the upbringing of children. Furthermore, I can find it heartbreaking to see some French children in playgrounds, all dolled up in pretty clothes, presumably by mothers for whom a beautiful exterior is of utmost importance in all circumstances, and then scolded for dirtying them (this is surprisingly common). My ex husband thinks French people are too much on their children's backs - they should learn to be cooler (like Swedes ...) and let them live their own lives now and then. Could it be that the children must help to uphold the image of the family, and must therefore behave well and look pretty? I also absolutely loathe the physical punishments so many French children have been exposed to, as a means to carry through that firm frame. (Physical punishments used to be very common, even in public some 30 years ago when I first lived in France but in later years they were probably exercised in a more "hidden" way, at home. Apparently, they were prohibited in 2019, something which seems like a miracle to me.)
All in all, perhaps the best solution would be if a French person teams up with somebody from another country, preferably a somewhat more laid-back one ... but on the condition that the two parents are open to and knowledgeable about each others cultures and ready to question themselves and the child-rearing methods used in their respective countries. I can't really say me and my ex had an easy ride together as parents, there were quite a few disagreements and conflicts during some periods, but in the end I think we managed quite well and the result is that I often get comments here in Sweden about how well-behaved and pleasant my children are and how nice it is to meet young people who know how to socialise with adults. At the same time, they are open and frank, independent and free-thinking as typical Swedish youths. The best of two worlds?
Very interesting perspective. Thanks!
Such as insightful, interesting comment. Rare on RUclips!
really love your videos and collaborations! After 24 years in the US, i am rediscovering my own culture. :-) Merci!
I am in my seventies now. But we raised our girls very much in the French way, unwittingly! My girls both started sleeping through the night aged 6 weeks. As a Christian, God always first, my husband (who was a honeybun of a man) came second, then myself, then our kids. From early on, they were taught how to be self-disciplined and always behaved beautifully in restaurants They were never neglected, discounted or unloved. They learned from the start to respect us as their parents, and also to respect all other people, and to be kind to the elderly and to those who were disabled in any way. I believe that God created us all, and when we disrespect others, we disrespect Him also - a definite no-no for me! But we also taught them to follow their dreams, turning them into real goals, and finding their passion. And to laugh, and to see humour and fun in life, appreciating its beauty and marvels. Though we were disciplined ourselves in caring for our kids, they always knew they could talk to us freely about anything, and always have us listening, and advising if required. We raised them to be independent adults, so that they could look the world squarely in the eyes and be who they were meant to be....
Very interesting! Thanks for sharing
This episode is especially interesting!!! Thank you!!! ☮️
So interesting to have your point of view on this ladies. It's opening my mind too about what we "French parents" do, and it reminds me about my time in the US ;-)
I'm french and I find it very interesting to have a foreigner's point of view on French culture. It reminds me that some things aren't done the same way everywhere. I see a lot of positive aspect in the French parenting style, but I definitely agree it can sometimes be too strict. It's good to have a bit of discipline, but it's also great to feel free to express yourself and it's not always easy when you're a French child asked to be polite and quiet all the time.
@@NotEvenFrench Some parents are less strict than others though, I was actually pretty lucky my parents were more on the hippie side of life 😂
I’ve been waiting for this one!!! Like and comment before I even watch because I ❤️ you two!!
I married a frenchman 36 years ago... what a help these videos would have been then.. ! Aussie girls push through! beautiful accent by the way ..
I liked so much this video!!!
Thank you 🙏✨💐
Makeup is gorgeous today !!
This is a great video. My mother used to say "it's so unique how you do not "talk down" to Sophie (our only child). We are Americans but my wife lived in France for a time.
I'm a teacher aide specialising in working with students with special needs / learning delays / learning differences. I can say that a lot of the time, their behaviour can come across as rude, arrogant and disrespectful. In reality, the reason why a certain child isn't looking at you is because looking someone in the eye is actually just hard for their eyes to physically focus on. So, my concern here with the French parenting style is that it seems (to me) that from an early age, the child learns that its more important to fit in and appear normal rather than pay attention to one's own needs/difficulties. My child also never said hello or smiled at people up until age 8 or 9. He is now 14 and can easily walk up to someone, extend his hand for a handshake and say " Hi I'm Crispin" etc and he does it with a smile. So, ideally I can see how a balance of both parenting styles could possibly be more ideal. The other concern I have is that, when your baby is tiny, they could be crying because their in pain, have colic or have a fever etc. I can see how if French parents believe that their babies have to be trained into falling in line, they could easily overlook these instances where a baby is in real distress. It is awesome to get a different view and perspective though. Personally, I am not a Kiwi and I'm from South Africa and living here in Auckland. I can say that there are also some things in the NZ style of parenting that needs attention too but it's very minor things really. For eg, I also don't think it's acceptable for a little child to run around a store and pick up items that are not paid for by you. Also, I have noticed that alot of Kiwi parents tend to let their small children walk far being them on the pavement of a busy road or way to far ahead of them, it's just unsafe and easily avoidable. Why would you risk your child getting run over? Anyway, I have written far too much. 🤓🤓😲
We are not ignoring baby cries, we are just taking a few seconds to see if it worth it or not, little difference. Unlike your comment leads to think, we are concerned about the well being of our offsprings, just in a different way.
Thank you for your comment. I am a Canadian 🇨🇦mum of 2 boys, oldest has adhd and youngest has autism. I’m always interested in how inclusive other countries are, how accepting and accommodating are other cultures. In Canada, person with special needs have legal rights to accommodations but more importantly, neurodiversity is becoming to be seen as a positive thing. My kids aren’t broken and don’t need fixing.
section them, to the aisle they must be institutionalized
Jose - that’s horrible, immoral and a human rights issue if it’s happening.
@@joannets3835 Yes I understand that it is in a different way and I did acknowledge that in my comment. We all have different ways, my perspective is completely subjective as I work with children /teens who have higher / special needs.
Great video, thank you- lots of these topics are covered with a good dose of humour in the book French Children Don't Throw Food. The American author really emphasizes the concept of 'la pause'. The style is quite similar here in Switzerland too, so it was a good decoder for me as an expat parent, and now I do feel like a lot of the concepts make parenting more sustainable for me- especially the concept of having your own life as an individual as well as a parent- hard to achieve in practice but good to have as a goal at least ;)
La Pause is real, people! If you get nothing else out of this video - internalize La Pause. Life changing and life saving.
Yes! This is spot on. The fact that kids begin school here at 3 years old and are expected to be fully functioning students from 9am to 5pm (minus the afternoon nap) just would never work in the US because we don't teach them the same type of skills from such a young age! Thank you for acknowledging these crazy important differences :)
I love the French attitude on breastfeeding. I couldn’t do it with my daughter all those years ago, and the fact that strangers felt the need to comment on how we fed our daughter was shocking to me.
I am an American parent (of a 17 year old) who has also lived in France. When my son was young I had a very good mom friend from NZ who has since moved back to NZ. I think there are wonderful aspects of these three parenting styles, but overall I believe the New Zealand parenting style is the most beautiful. Childhood is for fun, creativity and exploration. If you model kindness and politeness your child will grow up to be both of these things. No need to drill it in. And kids being a little wild is normal kid behavior. They grow out of it and become responsible adults. Food for thought.
(at the end) in raising up my 7 children, it was not so much what they did, but whether or not they were being in their own nature, or whether they were being run by their own forces - when their own forces were overtaking them, I stopped it - when their own nature was actively alive, I encouraged it - in this way, they were encouraged to be authentic - true, and also, to restrain their own forces :)
If I have kids, I’m in the US but I like the french approach of parenting I’d like to give it a try.
I think even if there is a frame and codes, kids stay creatives and they can play, imagines stories or anything. And I think a proof is that France is one of the country with most inovation and invention (I mean even little things, not just the big things). So even if that's adults stuff it wouldn't be possible without creativity as a child.
I never talked to my baby's in baby talk. I spoke in regular English.
you recited John Donne's poems, did you?
Great video ! This subject is so interresting :) The book "Bébé made in france" talks about this and it is really good
Love your video !
I just watched your videos about French songs before. And I realize that you do the "mmm" song too ^^
You are both lucky to experience and take away the best of both worlds.
I’m from NZ and stayed with friends in France last year. I have to say, the world not revolving around your children was the main thing I noticed.
This is so ingrained into our sacrifice culture. My boys are 12 and 9 and the world still revolves around them.
It’s funny, because I was raised with, children should be seen and not heard, so I’m not sure how this shift happened?
😆🤷🏽♀️
As someone who was brought up in the UK but has a Greek Cypriot Mum and spending alot of time there you can see how diffrent they are. Respect is a massive thing even someone who is a family friend will be called Aunty out of respect. I have brought my children up a mix of both styles I guess. Very interesting topic
Bonne vidéo ! C'était très intéressant.
In anycases, whatever the sides of the Atlantic, there is not a recipe to bring up children, we do what we can, not what we want. In the other hand, it is necessary to give them good benchmarks and references and that, it is often a question of education of parents and their culture.
This sounds like the book I read: “Bringing up Bebe.”
Are you going to do a Part II of this? Hope so!
Bonjour! I'm a California native and have become interested in the pace of life of the French as I'm trying to prioritize and ENJOY life as a mother of 3. Thank you for taking the time to talk about the differences in cultures. I will say, I think you might be being overly polite about the "frame-less" parenting style. I was brought up by quite a free spirit, and eventually had to learn the hard way the value and practice of self-discipline. I think those lessons as an adult are more difficult (and embarrassing) to learn as an adult.