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Can't Forgive Your Ex! | Stephanie Lyn Coaching 2022
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- #mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove
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Stephanie
www.StephanieLynLifeCoaching.com
It took me two years to forgive my ex husband and his mistress. It took a lot of therapy and coaching and prayer. Praying for your enemy is hard. Start small. Pray for them and slowly but surely God will heal your heart. Stephanie helped me realize that because you forgive someone does not mean that it does not still hurt. I forgave them not because they deserve it but for myself and to be free!
You are amazing. I hope to get on your level. I'll never understand why some men do these things. I hope he realizes what he lost.
It took me 6 years to forgive my ex-partner and his father as well! I'm happy for you!
Way to go Elizabeth,
@@eitanaleks - I am happy for you too!
@@davidcoppotelli3957 - Thank you!!!
To anyone that might be reading this, I wish that whatever is hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May the dark thoughts, the overthinking, the doubt exit your mind right now. May clarity replace confusion. May peace and calmness fill your life... even tho current times are challenging and some of you might go through tough times now I sincerely wish everyone that happiness enters your hearts and let all the stress and sadness vanish out of your life...as you know nothing in life is ever easy, but what's important is that you keep going!
you're worthy of love and happiness, never allow anyone to tell you otherwise! It can be extra hard sometimes but stay strong and hang in there, your life matters, no one can replace you, I'm thankful you're born and I'm sure your struggles will pass soon! Hang in there my friend 🙏 I wish all of you plenty of health and strength during these tough times. remember you are strong, you got this! never forget that!
sending much love over towards all of you, May god or whatever you might believe in bless you the way you need it to!
♥️🌟
You Never tell a Trauma Survivor to forgive someone. You tell them they need to forgive & love themselves.
I woke up today and I had enough. I’m tired of hating him. I feel like when I hate him it just ruins my day. I start ruminating about things I should have done or said. Or why did I put myself and my kid through this? The hate is so deep. I’ve never hated anyone like this and it literally makes me sick. I’m over it. I want to be happy again. I have accepted that the relationship is over and he is mentally unhealthy. I want to fully heal and move past and that means not hating him anymore.
Thanks Steph for this videos and all your videos. You gave me the courage to walk away and stay away from that toxic relationship.
My takeaways (so far):
1) Hurt people hurt people. Expecting the things I want and need from another - love and respect and good relationship and communication skills, etc. - from a hurt, unhealthy person is like expecting water from a rock. Hurt people can't give others what they don't have to give (and very likely can't even give themselves). So I need to stop expecting it. I need to stop going back to the snake that bites me expecting something different. I need to quit chasing the snake. Recognize I've been bitten, immediately apply first aid, suck out the poison, get the heck out of there, forgive, accept, and learn from my mistakes and only keep the company of people who are good for me, not bad - people you actually want and need - and make those wants and needs good, healthy ones.
2) What thoughts I keep repeating to myself, I believe. So I need to replace the thoughts and stories I keep repeating to myself with the thoughts and stories I need instead to grow and improve and get stronger and capable and get the results I need and want instead.
3) Once I have pain, even if it doesn't seem fair or wasn't my fault or doesn't feel like it was my fault, I've gotta accept the fact that pain and mistakes are part of every life and that when I have a painful experience and go through it, I HAVE to own my pain and take responsibility for it - because that's the only way I can heal from it, change it, and stop being a victim and feeling sorry for myself, otherwise I'll stay stuck. My brain will act like a needle in a groove on a broken record that just replays my hurt feelings and resentments "the greatest hits" in a loop over and over again (reliving the hurt and the feelings of anger, hatred, the stories, self pity and victimization).
4) If I'm stuck that means I'm ADDICTED to those "why me" stories AND the pain. It's almost like I feel it's better than feeling nothing at all and doubt my ability to do anything about it in terms of getting something better so I choose to keep feeling the pain. That's because I'm ADDICTED to the pain and anger and hatred and victimization and helpless feelings. Addiction is the reward from positive intermittent reinforcement. It's the few and occasional highs that kept me there and keep me coming back for more (when experiencing even the bad feelings). It's because it's what you've gotten used to and it's become a pattern - it's become what the brain is familiar and accustomed to - and patterns / familiarities - no matter how bad they are for us - are like a cozy blanket to our brain and is become part of the brain's wiring. I have to literally reprogram myself / using my brain's neuroplasticity and tell myself new, better, and healthy stories REPEATEDLY until my brain learns those new patterns and gets familiar with those instead, to replace the old patterns. I have to create new patterns - patterns of HEALTHY beliefs, healthy thoughts, desires, goals, actions, behaviors, self care, habits, standards, healthy boundaries, practicing keeping those boundaries, etc.
Being stuck can also mean I've been suppressing the pain by not facing it, not wanting to feel it, deal with it, and heal from it. But again, just because I failed before doesn't mean I have to keep failing - I can change that.
5) Forgiveness is about ME not the other person. It's for ME. And forgiveness is a process and a PRACTICE. Including forgiving myself. AND FORGIVENESS IS SOMETHING ONE NEEDS TO DO OVER AND OVER AGAIN / REPEATEDLY - EVERY TIME THE THOUGHTS COME UP - SO LITERALLY MAYBE FOR YEARS OR YOUR WHOLE LIFE (just hopefully less so as I get better at it and by actively creating a fulfilling life for myself as well as replacing the old hurtful thoughts with ones that better serve me instead). It's a decision to quit living in the past and beating myself up, to own my stuff, face down my monsters, choose something better, hold my head up and really move on, and do what it takes to get what I really want in life instead. It's understanding that the other person/s were just who they were and it wasn't personal. It's forgiving myself for the way I was and who I was and what I chose. It's realizing I just didn't know better and that's okay because NOW I can learn and do and become better and that's a great thing and as long as I do that learning and self growth, THAT'S what matters. It's taking responsibility for my choosing to be who I was and choosing to be in those situations and to consciously choose something else from now on instead and to do what it takes to get what I really want from now on.
6) My healing is a real, genuine opportunity to build a new me and therefore a new life: to get healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically, to learn healthy mental health, self care, relationship and communication skills, and to get stronger, build my self worth, and get what I actually want in life for myelf now instead.
Its recognizing that I chose that thing before. But now (and in large part BECAUSE of my having lived the consequences of those choices) I am smarter and wiser and can consciously, deliberately choose something different now - what I want instead. In a way, I can look at it as I got THAT thing / situation (what I mistakenly and or ignorantly thought I wanted before - or maybe didn't want but still got because of my beliefs, choices and actions), and now - I can get something else by deciding what I really want instead and by having the beliefs and making the choices and actions that will result in this better goal.
7) Maybe we resist the healing process we need to go through because it requires improving and self work and change and maybe we feel incapable of that - falsely feeling what we were is because that's somehow an unchangeable thing about us - that that's somehow who we fundamentally are. But the more we understand ourselves and gain self knowledge (which our past mistakes can help illuminate), we can know better what we need to do to get the results we need and want in life. It's just a matter of learning our own, personal instruction manual, if you will. And to compare ourselves to others is just a distraction. The process involves learning what WE need to do - what I need to do to get the results I need in my life.
Excellent, thank you!!
Absolutely phenomenal!! Yes!
these words, are literally what i need right now. i was hit! AHAHAHAH
Wow amazing thank you 🙏 this spoke to me in every single way!!
Great to know we are not alone when in a place that feels so so unbelievably lonely!
Thank you again iv screenshotted what u have wrote to read back later when I slip back into my negative ruminating negative self talk like I always do on the daily!
Thank you !! Thank you 🙏
Thanks for this
I’m going to come back to this comment in 2 years and smile at all the progress I made from today on!
U know u are over your ex when u can look back n laugh about what happened. Also, when u meet someone better n realize your ex did you a huge favor. Sometimes we are too comfortable for us to do what only our ex could do for us.
The biggest thing I took from this, and that has really CHANGED my outlook on my situation was when you said
“The pain that I feel was given to me by someone. But the minute they gave me that pain by putting me through this situation that I didn’t ask for, that they wanted to do to me, I had to own that.
I didn’t own that I did something to cause that pain, or to cause that person to do what they did to me. But now this is sitting in my lap, on my doorstep and it’s going to ruin my life if I don’t deal with it”
This clicked. I wrote it down. Will read it daily. What a quote that separates me from the thought of I caused this pain from my behavior.
This also unties my anger, and allows for me to see forgiveness. That they are a hurt, mentally ill person who doesn’t know how to deal with emotions in a constructive, building way. Ugh thank you for that.
No thanks. I don’t want him back lol
Logically I know he wasn’t capable of growing with me, and overcoming his emotional wounds from childhood during the time we were together. Emotionally it still hurts at times that I had to go through that & certain triggers set me back but it’s becoming easier.
Same but it's still raw for me. 5 months now and I feel as bad as week 3 for some reason out of the blue.
You forgive not for them, but for you
Stephanie once I saw her with her mask off it made it easier to deal with a fake person. 40 year marriage and she walks out like I was Nothing. It actually set me free. I can finally be me again. Thank you Stephanie for all that you do to help us get through ❤
I think hate is a very negative emotion and not healthy for me. I feel indifferent. This is the best way for me to deal with my ex. He still manages to sneak a passive aggressive comment into every communication, but I can recognise it now, unlike when we were together. I'm focusing on the positive, which is, the woman he left me for has done me a favour.
These words are so true. I am finding myself and starting to love myself without the need to have someone in my life to fulfill it. Tha K you for your help
Thank you for your reply but U don't want my ex back...
I am growing to love myself more and don't need anyone in my life at the moment to love to make myself feel better..
Stephanie has amazing knowledge and advice and had helped me through this dark period of life...
Again thank you ☺️
I am a new subscriber. After 5 years, catching my significant other in bed. He blamed me for his actions and then even tried to shame me into actually believing his lie that he didn’t cheat… not only no remorse, absolutely no moral compass. 5 years is a long time and I’m angry for his lack of basic human decency with no closure from him feeling like I wasted 5 years of myself. My thoughts were getting really reallyyyy dark. - THANK YOU- I’m all teary eyed. I know I have a ways to go but you reframed my perspective enough to feel something I haven’t felt since… HOPE. Even just an ounce of hope let’s me know; I will get through this. Thank you so much ♥️♥️♥️
All I know after years of repeatedly being with unfaithful men is doing the same thing over and over again and you are always going to get the same results! Took a long time to learn that! When I finally did things differently I found the most wonderful man I have ever met! Happy and content 20 years later! You have to go through all the stages to get to the other side! ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, FIX WHAT YOU DON'T BELIEVE, YOU ARE WORTH IT ALWAYS❣️
Letting go and forgiveness aren't the same thing. Being forgiving may be the very thing that got you into a mess to begin with.
I choose to never forgive evil. And I don't expect to be forgiven for the evil I have committed.
I feel like you were speaking directly to me. Lots of eye-openers. I like that you don't sugarcoat anything. Thank you so much. You've gotten me thru a lot, if you only knew. ❤
You are so welcome!
Stephanie has been the turning point for me in my entire journey. I am so grateful for the content 🙏🏼
It's been over 3 years since my son's father cheated in me after 17 year's. It still feels like yesterday. He hasn't seen his son in 3 years, he was never this type of person, he was the best dad. I struggle to understand what happened to him
I know of someone who can help you out
As I'm watching this video, I am applying it to toxic narcissistic parents, siblings, and extended family. It has been a difficult journey because there are so many people I need to forgive. But it is so freeing to do it for myself so I can have peace, move on and enjoy my life. Thank you for making this video.
Coming out of a mental abusive relationship , this person actually BELIEVES their own lies! Alcohol has a major part in it, they have THREE spouses dead !!! I avoided them for 4 years, I was celibate 13 years, they really did try, and I do believe they loved me, the last thing ( stole my jewelry) made me wake up and say NO MORE!!! now I've got to forgive and heal my heart, and soul ♥️
Very valuable Stephanie. Thank you. ‘Unless You your Self offer it your own human parenting, it is incapable of birth.’ Neville… I would say I don’t need to say the last name in the company of this message. And I AM Grateful.
Love that you always have a new, refreshing perspective and word things in such a way that really makes so much sense. I’ve done so much work over the last several years and feel I’m finally a very mostly securely attached individual but occasionally still have abandonment thoughts come up that don’t affect me in much of a negative way anymore, just more so annoying that I’ve already done so much work to understand why it keeps coming up because of unmet needs or for continued growth of my basic human needs but I just want to have all brand new thoughts and the space for them already ;p perhaps I just need to journal more lol. Thanks for listening to my rant. This video definitely helped me to try and just be thankful I have a constant reminder to forgive others because I couldn’t be the person I am today otherwise. I’m just tired of said person living in my head rent free for so long and thus far has stayed way past the eviction notice I gave them. I’m sure others can relate lol. Again, thanks as always Stephanie, you’re the best. And to the community keep at it, we’re always so much stronger and resilient then we even realize and give ourselves credit for. But the time is due, and we owe it to ourselves and all the other awesome people in our lives and continue to come into our lives. Forgive yourselves, forgive others and never stop growing❤️💪
Great message! There is a small disconnect between the thought and emotion. Intellectually I forgive everything, just working to get the emotions aligned. Thanks for validating these emotions as not chronically unique. 👍
You ain't kidding.
Mentally I got it together, but emotionally is another story.
Stephanie!! You've changed my ways of thinking and have been helping me so so much I can never tell you!!! Thank you for being you ❤
I think it is ok to not forgive as well
I do too
This whole video was Spot on outstanding!!! Exactly what I feel and needed to hear. Thank You
I love the minimalism in combination with the recessed shelves!
Thank you!! 😊
Just found your channel - just what I needed my healing is well underway :)
Stephanie: the area I often have the most difficulty in is forgiving myself for having choosen to be and stay in that or those relationships or situations that I did. (romantic, work, etc). I feel responsible for those things and have a hard time accepting that I did that to myself (I was an adult and not a child in those situations). Any help in that area would be great. The answers are probably in this video - I'll rewatch it and see what I can apply.
I've looked into topics I think might be related like black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, people pleasing and perfectionism, self worth, and creating and upholding / enforcing healthy standards and boundaries for myself.
I can relate to this as I also do this, self blame, question why you attract certain types of people and why you tolerate them.
@@Heather-rr6yz yeah - I've learned a lot about developing self worth, and having and upholding standards for myself and others and creating and enforcing healthy boundaries for myself. Some great resources that have helped my are Stephanie's resources, videos and blog, and other channels' videos on those topics like Therapy in a Nutshell, Mended Light, and Put the Shovel Down.
Hey folks, I have a similar issue forgiving myself. If you haven't already, try reading books written by actual psychologists that research and have therapy practices. Those practitioners should be your A team where people like Stephanie should be your B team.
A few authors that i think have helped me are:
Dr Susan Forward
Beverly Engel
Dr Jonice Webb
Dr Harriet Lerner
Check your local library as they have a lot of the very books from the authors listed above.
You didn't abuse yourself, so you're not responsible for that, but you are responsible for fixing it and avoiding it in the future.
If you need a therapist, be mindful that most licensed therapists and mental health practitioners are educated in social work and then go on to obtain certifications so they can practice. They are generally not the PhD psychologists that you imagine them to be. So if you do end up needing more specialized help, make sure to always check the qualifications.
@@anthonytwohill9726 Thank you.
@@Heather-rr6yz my pleasure. Hope it helps.
Today marks 3 weeks since my ex cheated on me and left, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. I feel like my self esteem and trust in people are shattered, along with my heart.
Good luck I'm 10 plus years and it changes you forever I'm sorry 💔
These videos just speeeeak to me. I need them💚💚
This is life changing information. Thank you!!! I will be taking this course and I’m very excited 🙏
Thank you .... I'll take any book you give me
I’m running at 6 years and still think about the night it happened…☹️
ive been on NC for the past 3 yrs, even changed my no. thought i was doing pretty ok but i was triggered & emotional dysregulated after running into him a week ago. suddenly i wasnt ok. i started crying again everyday and oscillated between wanting to get back together and wanting revenge. i believe my ex is a high functioning autistic with plenty of narcissistic traits - lots of lying, triangulation, manipulation, ghosting periodically. the fact he was asexual also eroded my self esteem because i thought there was something wrong with me. i hope that one day a video on autism overlapping with narcissism can be done because i really believe this can happen. hes my worst nightmare and yet i feel that after all these years im still addicted to him.
I knw of someone that can help you get him bck
Thank you for all kind words of encouragement I so need much blessing from above 🤗💖😇
This is why I come here to Stephaine's Channel Always Killer Videos. Right on Time Right on Target. Did I mention a Beautiful Girl. All this in one neat Package.
Fantastic!
I needed this! I’m so grateful I found this channel 💓
thank you
I can accept the betrayal was not about me; what I cannot accept is the idea of ME not recognizing the abusive behavior. After 25 years of living with this man-he talked me into marrying him! He could not look me in the eyes when we said our vows. When I noticed he was not the person I thought he was, I was married-until death. After 12 years of marriage the divorce was a medical/psychological & financial nightmare. I am retired. How do I start my life over, without friends, family & colleagues?
I don't know; forgiveness is for suckers. I never forgive people who disrespected me. You move on, but don't forgive. Why would I forgive a piece of shit who treated me like garbage? What is the point? I have a This...Is...Sparta!!! attitude toward people who disrespect me, whether in my private or professional life. I never felt satisfaction walking away with my tail between my legs. Just made me feel worse.
You're so awesome
..you make alot of sense
Gurl! This is sooooo good!
Always enjoy your videos, such great advice. Thanks you!!
Glad you like them!
It's been five years for me. How does one define hate? How does one measure forgiveness? I strongly diss-like the narcissistic mother of my children. I have no respect for her. I do not wish her well. I never want to speak to her again. I never want to see her ever. So do I hate her? I dont know. Probably. I dont know anyone I diss-like more. Have I forgiven her? Probably not. I dont know anyone I have so little of an opinion for.
But I do know that was about her. Yes I played my part, failed in many ways. But the underlying personality issue was something that could not be "fixed". She still lies to her friends, family, new guy and sadly her children. And she still manipulates and controls them in both subversive and not so sly ways. I see her do it to everyone. So I don't take it personally. But in some small way... I do.
I resonate with this. Im disgusted that someone could treat anyone so badly, but someone they loved? How can you do that to even a friend?
There's something about the disrespect they show you, the dishonesty, the lack of care about how you're affected... just makes you end up despising someone because they make you feel insignificant and small.
I don't think forgiveness is something I can achieve in my case... forget, let go yeah. Forgive? No, because I don't understand how anyone can be so selfish and cruel to another.
@@KiKi-te9yd I'm sorry you live with this burden. It's a cruel thing to experience and carry with you. I knew my ex for 21 years, married for 16. I cant imagine myself being capable of behaving and treating people in the ways that woman did and still does. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. And in some small way I feel sorry for them. But thats the thing. They have to live with themselves. We dont. We are free from that mess.
Excellent Ms Thanks Take Care love you RADHE RADHE JAI JAI RADHE
I watched this as I can't forgive my ex she cheated and went back to her so called abuser and told me it's all in my head we actually met on a narcissist abuse group she made out she's been through the same the thing is she's actually a qualified psychotherapist and I fond out she took her ex from another his wife and his wife killed herself after she sent pics of them she's evil and I can't help feel she should pay for this I don't want revenge in my heart
Thanks Steph
I would like to ask if you videos that cover how narcissist will come after you when they know you are leaving a narcissist even at church
Another 💎
You don’t have to verbally forgive to forgive. You can forgive someone mentally.
Back in 2018 my ex girlfriend broke up with me just because she felt depressed and she didn’t want to discuss her problems with me so she decided to break up with me and we stop talking until one year later she was asking for forgiveness and she confessed the reason why she had to break up with me because she was going through some rough times she was struggling to look for a new job and a new apartment and she didn’t want to put a hold on our relationship because of her depression and she wasn’t being honest with me back when we broke up because she said she was scared that I’ll be angry at her but I still got angry because it felt like the relationship was over without having an answer why she did it until one year later she tells me,and I told her that I forgive her but I still feel like I don’t forgive her until this day I still don’t forgive her but I never think about her like I used to
Game changer!!
Thank you for your videos it came at just a perfect timing
It’s so hard to forgive my husband. We just had a baby and she wasn’t even two months and he asked me for a divorce. I’m so upset and hurt.
I think most people consider being cheated on or being hit as the top worst things a spouse could do to you. The top deal-breakers. I was among those who thought this. But there are other things, very major things that I never thought about. Until my narc husband did not take me to surgery and did not pick me up even though he took the day off to be there with me. The hurt was undescribable. But if you think about it, right there in the wedding vows is "in sickness and in health". Yet I don't think anybody thinks about that I know I didn't. Pain I endured in the surgery was absolutely horrific and I got absolutely nothing from him. He never asked me how it went, he never asked me if I was in pain, he never asked me if I needed help with my medicine, he never touched me he never hugged me absolutely nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. So I would like for others out there to think about that aspect of your wedding vows. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get over this. My husband and I are in our sixties and I'm in good health but how long is that going to last? You married to someone for thirty-two years with the thinking that they're going to be there for you in your old age when you have medical problems. But if you can't be there for me on this surgery how is he going to be there for me as I begin aging? Well I guess I already know don't I oh, he won't be there.
I'm sorry that happened to u. I used to make excuses for his behavior. I treated him the way I wanted to be treated...and he didn't reciprocate. A little sad but I have acceptance now. In my case he is in the past now.
I understand this totally. Mine left me in hospital an extra day after surgery, wondering how I was going to get home, or be released as I specifically was told by the doctor that I wasn't allowed to be alone. Then he finally picked me up and then chucked me out of the house the next day, alone. The hurt of abandonment when you truly actually NEED the help of someone, is like nothing else. It is indescribable. Its something I'll never recover from. 15 months later I'm improving but Ive wanted to be dead. Ive come to the conclusion that I should build a life of better friendships to be my family and support network and never rely on one person.
He didn't cheat with one person, it was never emotional. There were multiple, usually a cheap hookup. Disgusting, and he claimed it wasnt even satisfying, just a cheap thrill for his ego. Some people are so incredibly incredibly selfish, its unbelievable. There's no fixing it.
Kindof like treating someone intentiomally awful
Idk if I can forgive my ex. But I can forgive you no matter what
Am I the only one still waiting for this video that would explain the relational mechanics between an empath and a person who suffers of Dismissiv Avoidant Personality Disorder ?
It as took me years to forgive my mum as was very toxic
But as a christan it is important to for give as God sent is son to for give us for our sins as we are all born in sin 🙏
* Would u like that someone force u to love someone? (like a thing)
* It is like to say that U MUST love a thing, when for u is worthless
* Or in sex it is like to say to make love with someone u dont love for sure= violence
* After a while it is the atmosfere/peace in the home that is all (with sex between the couple)
* When u insist on sense of guilty (i think u are half lesbian/bisexual and u have a sense of guilt for it and u cant say why for whatever reason... so u project to the partner that feeling what gives u flashbacks) it is like to have an automa... cuz sense of guilt stop/ it is like living by terror/fear.... but in the end u know why and he doesnt know why... maybe:
- It doesnt do it for purpose... he/she cant understand it
- U dont comunicate in a proper way
- It is called CARACHTERIAL COMPATIBILITY
I TELL U ONE BIG BASTARD REAL STORY
* A women want a horse man / in every sense
* She doesnt comunicate, he has always to understand
* He is not a horse
* She doesnt feel satisfy
- Without comunicating she is not satisfy in bed
- In this way she has a right reason/for her/also legally sexual compatibility, to escape and make sex with others
- He has always to touch everywhere to understand where are the right places= she make him pass for a horny bastard
❤️❤️❤️❤️
5th
And then some people are like Putin and you must understand the monster and that forgiveness is in God's hands; not yours.