Tough luck: accepting life’s unfairness will set you free | Holly Matthews | TEDxNewcastleCollege
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- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2024
- “Why does it always happen to me?” “Their life is so perfect, nothing ever goes wrong for them!” We rage to ourselves, in our quest to make sense of an unfair world. But how do we learn to accept the unavoidable pitfalls of life and still create one we love? Holly shares her own personal journey of resilience building and reminds you that you’re not bad luck, it isn’t just you and how accepting life’s ‘below the belt’ moments and being happy anyway, will make you an unshakeable force and allow you to live your best life. Activist, Motivational Speaker This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
"We can do our very best and still fail. We can love with the purest love and still have our hearts broken."
And this is the point where people start asking, 'So why bother trying then?'
I don't trust people anymore, and I don't trust my judgement in choosing good people to be around.
@@nacarreira777 And you do truly well,for in this world the low-minded knaves are indeed more than the good-souled and well-meaning persons.I also never again shall trust someone.I was so heavily harmed by human beings and never ever again I will be friend with someone.
@@nilak.s617 I agree totally. I lost my Mom 20 years ago, she is my strength, my rock. Lost my best sibling almost 3 years ago. Lost 2 great jobs that I worked hard for in a 10 year period. Yet lazy, bad stabbing, mean coworkers kept their jobs. I also lost 2 loves in my life that I worked hard to get, and tried to keep.
@@nacarreira777 Same here, and they just screw you over.
"So when life gets tough, which it will, stop, have your cry, have your moment, and then Get Up and work out a new plan."
Here in India one is not stuck in traffic, one lives in traffic. I don't care, I listen to music, watch a short video, make a good time while I'm waiting for it to move. I refuse to be miserable.
Life is unfair. I accept this. Still miserable.
The thought actually freed me! What is being miserable doing for you? Life just happens, it is how it is. Having resistence to it means you are just causing suffering for yourself.
@@clairejohnson7809 Life just happens, same as beliefs and emotions and digestion. These things cannot be directly controlled.
Same
@@clairejohnson7809 You make it sound like you are choosing how you feel. Emotions aren't a choice they are a process.
Think of it this way, if you become injured then you will experience pain and you can't choose not to; unless you take a strong painkiller like morphine.
@@PrimeM92 pain isn't an emotion tho
She is so spot on about not feeling sorry for yourself! Self pity is so corrosive and destructive to human resilience. Smart and wise lady!
yea but at the some time women think the sit on gold and we allow it. part of the problem that will never be addressed as long as we let women prey on a man's biological lust. That's where we are now. It's sad I typed in "the unfairness of like" whilst saying to myself... "I know it will be all women." AND LOW AND BEHOLD. Wake up people. A bad man can kill good man an nothing will change.
Yes, I always refuse to be miserable.
It's okay to not be okay. That's just how life is. We all live and die.
This kind of thought keep you in the dark
@@haman7227 You call it dark, when it's really simply reality
At 30 years old I learned that you have to be more accepting of life's imperfections. Because life is imperfect. You don't get marry all at the same time. You don't get to finish studies at the same time. So we should be thankful of what we have and stop looking at what others have and you don't have because you will never be happy. Instead have a grateful heart. Be thankful everyday. Just be happy in things that you think you can be happy at.
Just continue making mistakes. You are never too old for that. Smile more. If it's your teeth that's needs fixing for you to smile more, then fix it.
Thank you 😊
@@user-ps2mi9ze5v you are most welcome Susan
You're gonna learn much more by your 40's believe me
@@user-ps2mi9ze5v you are wholesome
The point to live than ?
Life sure is unfair. My back got injured at age 19, then got really bad at 35. Lost my job then got shingles and then M.E which came with untold problems including IBS. I've been in a deep depression and gave up on life. Now 50, broke, no life, nothing to look forward to. I blame my self because I never learned at school, was dyslexic but never new back then. Have a poor memory. All these things make life so hard now that I wish I wasn't born. See everyone around me getting on with life which makes it even harder. Lowest I've ever been. I wish you all well and hope your journey through life is good or becomes better.
Life is indeed unfair, but be strong uo not alone, everyone gat a story to tell. We love u.
I wish you well 🙏. Depression is awful, but there are medications, therapist and other ways to get though it. Don't give up on life. All the toys in the world do not equal happiness.
❤️
Hoping you’re doing well. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Life is very much unfair and I don’t think it’s easy to accept the cards some of us have been dealt.
@Indrajeet Patil hope you’re also doing well. I also feel like a huge failure and it’s okay to feel that way. Things do get bad but then we get a little breathing moment in between.
I gave up and accepted my faith, i do feel freer as now i know that it's over, the game is already lost and that's ok; I am going to smile and shine through all this misery till i finally collapse.
I contracted polio at 9 months became handicapped on my left leg. Yet, I became financially and successful in life. Do not let your circumstances or situations or other people’s opinion of you determine who you are and who you can become. When you Wake up each morning - rememberer to light a candle and say ‘I am thankful’ and ‘It will be a great day’ Try making a habit of this simple uplifting act. It may transform your life.
May God bless you with all the happiness that u deserve
I have had health issues starting at 1 year old and had difficulties in my childhood (i.e. alcoholism, drug addiction) that have ruined my life so far. I cannot look at people who are living awesome lives and not be pissed about mine. I just cannot do it. I know everyone has troubles in life but the level of those troubles is not equal. It is unfair and I can't even begin to accept it. I would rather not have even been born.
I feel ya....😭😭😭😭😭
Join the club.. I had enough issues with life. Before I left my cheating ex..
Then I lost access to see my son, am broke because of paying for a lawyer, child support, paying daycare..
She won, I lost... Hard.
And the point of living through this is what exactly?
Is it weird that I acctually belive you feel that way. Sorry, I am not the kind of person who is like "nooo. someone in the world have it worst than you". I feel like those people dosn't understand as much or care. But that dosn't make me to a negative person.
I'm very sorry to hear that you suffer so greatly. Have you tried to seek help for these feelings on both a physical and mental level? Seeking spirituality in whatever form speaks to you may help and may give perspective. Meditation, reiki, self help books, philosophy, stoicism, counseling, an AIP diet, yoga/exercise, psychedelic experiences with a guide etc. These are all great tools to help with processing pain in the various forms we experience them. I want you to succeed in life and be happy. I hope that some of these suggestions do it for you. And if they do, help someone else who is in pain because we all need someone to help guide us out of the dark.
@@pinkusfloydus9373 For you yourself, possibly very little. But your son will get to see you again. Even if you never recover your rights, the day will come when he thinks for himself and is determined to find you. Even if that seems distant now, in time you will see the point, and for his sake don't let it be said that you gave up.
Also before you say she won ... yes, she won, but ask yourself WHAT she won. None of the women that do this, are winners. Not just in the sense that before they know it, their chief enjoyment is Xanax in cat-land. But in the very real sense that there is no meaning except spite in what they do, and they have to live with themselves.
No one can take your soul, do not let yourself be reduced to bitterness and resentment.
I don't use Instagram most of the time and still got envy because of unfairness.
Have a nice day Faisal Husein🤗🌷
But it is fair.. People earn admiration because of their good looks, strength, and talents. It's just the way it is my friend. You have to work hard in this world for the things you desire.
@@patmanpatmanson well I might not have everything but I wouldn’t change my life for anyone
@RealLifeSeeker Hard work does not automatically gain you success and fairness as always. As people live, we still have inequality, poverty, crimes, and a lot of innocent lives that were harmed by other people.
True. I decided to close my Facebook account to avoid comparing myself to others
I'm growning up and realising how grim life is. How dark life really is
It is dark bro...
Sometimes I can't wrap my head why unfortunate things keeps happening to me. A lot of the people I know had it easy and life likes to hit me with a bat in the head.
It could have been gentle but it just had to hit me hard and hurt me pretty bad. I don't understand. I haven't done anything wrong and I always had the best intensions for people. Why does it feel like life wants me to become a villain. It's sad.
1:55 12:50 power of acceptance of the fact that pain and suffering is a part of the human experience
3:04 life is full of painful contractions and moments of downtime in between to catch your breath
3:42 to live a happy and fulfilled life, be alert and mindful of when you are in the in between moments, and pack them up with beautiful experiences and live them to the fullest
4:07 the victim mindset 》only prolongs your pain and suffering and keeps you stuck
*it might be a constant state of existence where you keep seeing yourself as a victim to whom only bad things happen
5:18 the opposite of victim mindset 》take responsibility of your own life. Know that you are in charge of your life, you are at the helm
11:32 noone is coming to save you. If you want a happy life, you gotta get up and create it for yourself.
9:36 12:40 the just world myth. (There is no sense to be made, only life to be lived)
13:09 the ideal "utopian" world is not only impossible, but the idea of it being possible is stopping us from living our best lives
14:07 *what would happen if you let go of the expectation of fairness? How would that change you, your outlook and response?*
12:00 things mentally strong people do :
*don't feel sorry for themselves
*not ashamed of being vulnerable
*don't believe that the world owes them anything
*14:47 you don't need to be grateful for adversity,, but you can stop staying stuck in it, and focus on the things you can control and get youself out of the mess
*15:39 what would your option B be?
16:17 conclusion :
*1) soak up the happy and good moments*
*2) let go of grasping on to things to hold on to them*
*3) free yourself of the burden of trying to create a perfect life, and everything playing out exactly as it should* because no amount of Preparedness and planning can guarantee it
*4) free yourself of expecting fairness and getting a good set of cards* because someone else will always be "luckier" and seemingly "in a better state" but that doesn't make you unlucky
*5) be kind to yourself and forgive yourself*
*6) Resilience isn't about what you can endure...it's about how well you are able to "dance in the rain"* and enjoy life despite the storms
Thank you for taking the time to write this summary.
Thanks!✨
You're awesome thank you
Seriously thank you
Thanks you for the summary
This is one of those talks that I wish I could've watched just over a decade ago, I wasted so many years in self pity and a stubborn "not gonna live THIS life", we just have to be flexible and accept life for what it is, fighting unfavorable reality is a surefire way to prolonging misery, I discovered this the hard way. Too bad that I'm now seeing my mother go down this route too, nothing I say seems to resonate with her unfortunately, do we all have to discover and learn this lesson for ourselves? Ah the human condition.
Agreed life is unfair some ppl r born lucky others r born unlucky 🤷♂️
when she says: “these people wear their failures as a badge” I feel really called it is so hard to make self accountable 😭
We all fail Matias! You get up and move on with your life. Resilience is moving on with your life despite the failures and other bad things that happen to us.
I told my epileptic son this but in a little different way. I told him life is a bunch of valleys and peaks and we are currently in the valley.
Me & my family, we’ve been through more than the normal, we actually just lost my niece @ 33yrs. Old, two of my kids have had cancer, I’ve buried 2 babies, etc. ( stillborns as well). I absolutely have learned, this has given us all more reasons to love deeply more, never take a day, moment for granted, & reach out to others that are going through similar situations. If I was taken tomorrow, I’d want ones to celebrate our times together, to laugh about it, smile, and celebrate, not be sad, I’ve had numerous times due to my health of close to crossing over. We absolutely need to open up more, share feelings, & love more.
The worst thing about the past year for me is that none of the stuff that went wrong felt like it was in my control. At least when you try and fail you can learn from it and know what to do better next time. When none of your failures feel like something you could've helped then it leaves you with nothing. I didn't learn anything, don't know what to improve. I just feel cheated, miserable and bitter.
Going through same situation
100%. People constantly talk about being prepared and taking advantage of opportunities. But disease, other drivers incompetence and sabotage from other people are things which you cannot control. If someone spikes your drink and rapes you, they were lucky and you were not.
Yes, unfortunately, it happens...
Same. I'm young Im supposed to be healthy instead I've been dealing with health issues for 10 years which are blocking the rest. Like wow give me a break.
@rses916 same here. After watching this, I realize healthy living means more than looking for lessons, or lowering expectations (or getting rid of them entirely)... I am naturally pessimistic & a realist. It's a constant battle for me to understand life. I can't just not think of what I could do to make it better. For me, it's about control. The things we can't control, are just that. We are all falling into the inevitable, but still have to live. I'm still struggling, but sometimes our perception is the only form of health we can & have to work to keep to survive.
Well said. Although some people who have mental health issues (yes it’s a real thing and actually not their fault), might mentally break down and go into severe mental health crisis with the right trigger. And not because they have victim mentality.
Mental illness is more common than you think…
if id be a toxic person id tell you to get out of that victim mentality. but im struggling so hard myself that i can relate.
Okay
we cannot change the way things happen, but we can change the way we react to them - so true, Holly!
we can change the climate of a god damn planet! we can invent a completely unnatural concept named money and let it rule hundrets of generations after us. We as humanity have so much more power, than most people realize, and it's time that we all unite and use this power to it's fullest potential, even if it means, abandoning everything we got tought as children.
How do you change the way you burn to death in a building after some animals hi-jack a plane and crash into it?
Doesn't matter, I still suffer even though i accepted it lmao.
It would be cool if others didn’t make me feel worse about my life .
Take the shxt and go home happy.
This is amazing... I need to move forward. I feel like I’m drowning
I wonder what's the right attitude to take when someone is really a victim , what if our suffering is debilitating and truly disempowering. Are we stripped away of our right to recognize that we are sometimes overpowered by life. But in the same time I see the value of not "victimizing" oneself , I see how someone can keep themselves stuck and how we should sometimes stand tougher than life. I wonder really where to draw the line as I can see the immense unjustice in life.A lot of people navigated pain successfully and excerted strength and effort to escape but others tried and made a lot of effort but failed and suffered. How can we come out with a better nuance and how can we push people to be strong without ignoring the fact that their suffering might actually be an obstacle they cant overcome.
I do myself the same question and I believe it has no answer. There's no model dividing line... We are all different and we are going to respond differently... Let's not create illusions of being superheroes, with unlimited powers... we all have limits and points of no return.
The world being unfair is not the reason you don't have children.
@@jasonthompson5656 many choose not to have children or even relationships due to the experience in original family...much damage is done by "loving" parents, which are often anything but.
This is a beautiful question, and I have asked myself the same what separates the person that was able to get out from the difficult situation with the one that was not? I personally believe balance is possible, I have watched myself transition from not allowing my emotions to be, to developing the pity mindset and finally find that middle, but how to help others I haven't figured out yet. I really want more people to be free and experience life every part of it, but I'm still trying to figure out how to help
this is a nuanced conversation!
I've recently had people tell me that *everyone* has it rough.....
None of them have 2 different metal plates due to fractured bones, 90% of their colon missing, and PTSD from military service, but...okay?!?
It's interesting how the people that seem to have had it much less rough are the quickest to make those types of blanketed quotes
I say people have their own battles.
Best Grief speech ive seen. Well done. I just suddenly lost my Mum. 20 years too early. This speaker has empowered me. Respect.
Accept that life is unfair. That being good doesn't guarantee good things will happen. This cracked a tiny ray of light through the dark cloud over my head. Thank you
That's the reality
This was the TED Talk I exactly needed to hear right now on this day. I am so grateful I found it. Thank you Mrs. Matthews for your painfully honest but necessary summary of life and an alternative way to handle things which is much healthier.
One thing I try to believe in, consciously that is, not subconsciously, is fate. I tell myself that my life is written out like a story and everything that happens was always going to happen. At the same time, some areas of science do propose that time unfolds deterministically. This perspective makes life a breeze to be honest. I know that my story is unique and I can't wait to see what else is in store, because although its beyond my power to control it, I do know that inside, as the observer, how I perceive it is up to me.
I've had a hard life from day one. I've struggled financially, emotionally really in every way. I try to be a good person but that doesn't mean you'll be treated well in return. I'm just riding this life out and hoping after I die I'll find out what the point of this all was.
Me too. I have given my all to many ungrateful and now I am completely done .
@@MS-ns4ki I changed my mind. Screw all those that took me for granted. I deserve to be happy. I'm not going to look to others to make me happy. I'll do that for myself and so should you....good luck in the new year.
@@tracieday8661 that's the mindset! Only worry about what you can control because everything else is just a surprise for the better or for worse
This world is relationship of business. You are acknowledged and valued to the extent of how you can serve others. Beyond that anyone can careless.
I got sick. My ex has a sugardday that's why we broke up. Then i have anxiety and panic attacks . I lost a job. Im always afraid. Life is unfair but I'm still hoping for better life.
Sorry man. I can truly relate
This is excellent. Timely. I’ve had so much loss and currently dealing with a child with chronic health issues, much unknown. Having so much uncertainty and the fear of further loss...does create a need in me to control. It’s all a facade and an illusion.
As I’m working on radical acceptance and dropping the narratives, the “shoulds”, I decided to look up something on RUclips and found this.
Thank you so much for sharing, for being vulnerable. I wish you blessings and continued healing from your loss.
Keep up! Your doing great, this is truly inspirational🙌
@@jeremybeauchamp1806 💛thank you!
Her voice is so deep... describe everything which hurt us most❤😢...thanku
I have been through something very painful in the last year and a half. You have the most sense of anyone. Thank you.
I'm not narcissistic . I'm not manipulative . I'm not seeking validation . I'm not seeking sympathy . I hope for empathy and compassion .
I think for those who follow morals and human ethics, the world is unfair to them, and that's true as it is real heartbreaking 💔
thank you for this. Accepting difficulty will always exist, picking yourself up and moving forwards is the main message
Your message is to the point! We are in control more than we think. That ability is often clouded by grief and a feeling of isolation. We're all in the same boat!
Yes, the analogy of the birth contractions really spoke to me. A long depressive episode. Then a bit of relief. Another depressive episode. Another tiny bit of relief. Another depression... and so on. My life... living in the moments in-between
Me too Valya. Just the same. Take care from Mary xx
Actually, I had done this before and it did help me. My son, who is only nineteen, got there way before me. When you understand that not even your mother can be obligated to love you, you can navigate life without bitterness. It doesn't mean that you will not ever be unhappy. It simply allows you not to wallow in it.
It doesn't work for everyone because it depends on what causes your misery. If you are just a brooder, it works.
I live in Africa. My father in law was once a successful business man in the economic city, a devout catholic and a kind man newly married with small kids.
Started losing his sight and became blind, loss all his money to the point of no being able to live in town. Had to go back to the village to his father's home with his many children and a stay at home mom.
He dis farming being blind, raised his kids to learn to stay hungry but focus and educate and devout Christians.
Now his kids are grown in their thirties and forties, very successful in africa and in Canada .
He still do farming, very discipline ,very devout to his family, never complain always solve problems ,
He is the most able disable person I know
I had had a very hard life from age five my mom wanted to talk on the phone and mad me and my sister walk a half mile to a empty field to play I was sick and I told my mom she made me go I got hit in the head with a baseball and I got up and walked the half mile home with blood coming out my ears I went in and she did not want use in the house I went in to the bathroom cleaned up and laid down I started having grand mall seizures I lost every thing that day my memory 55 years latter I still can not drive have seizures every day and I hade two brain surgery's I keep pushing and do my best not to let my seizures win thank you for reading life is not fair at all. God Bless.
Woooow!! well told and the fact that theirs's experience conveyed in those beautiful words makes it all the more meaningful and applicable. Totally moved to action
The clarity and logic of the speech is just refreshing!
Thank you so much. x
@@HollyMatthewsHappyMeTV hey hey wow talk was so awesome and really something that makes you think and realize things :)
This is the absolute truth. And it feels amazing when you get there. So good luck to everyone out there that is putting up with the pain to get there. It’s worth it!
It seems like my bad luck just doesn’t stop coming. I’ve been in two car wrecks leaving me in massive debt with medical bills, I’m behind on every possible bill I owe, car, ticket, medical bills, I owe the irs money. I just can’t get a break. I’m jobless, so I have no way of paying any of these things. I apply to 30 jobs a day and get no call back. I have the experience to do most jobs? I just can’t win. I try to stay positive thinking things get better but it’s been 2 years of just nothing but stress, sleepless nights. I’m only 19… and I just feel like I’m ruining my life beyond repair. I’m just so lost and unmotivated to keep trying when nothing good ever comes back around.
I am in the same hopeless state like you and maybe even worse ,as I undergo medical surgery after surgery to cut off some likely cancerous skin moles from my skin over the whole body. I know that the only wise outcome is the self-killing ,by sadly I am not fearless ,I feel too much fear and this is such a hindrance to the freedom,because ,I could never take my own life and free myself once and for all just out of fear and so I ought to undergo all kind of unbearbale hurtings and awful aching until the end of my so unhappy life comes some day....
I appreciate the topic that is being discussed and I can agree on certain points, but I believe being stuck in traffic is nothing compared to the burden of oppression some people face in society.
excellently said... people dont understand
I think that lady was trying to pull the audience in with things most of them could relate to, before jumping straight into the heavy stuff like death of your spouse after battling with a terminal illness. Sometimes you need to stop nitpicking at one portion of a talk/person, and look at the whole of it to truly get the essence of it
Some people care about different thibgs
I expect there is atleast one person out there that will be so genuinely annoyed at traffic theyd kill themselves itd impact them that badly
@@ark194 did you guys even finish watching? Her husband died from brain cancer.
I agree with EVERYTHING Ms. Matthews stated. Thank you so much for sharing her testimony and how resilient you have been to overcome your "unexpected" life's challenges. This TedTalk has definitely got me crying because I can relate to "unexpected" / "unforeseen" / "sudden" tragedies that have totally changed my life and it's by God's grace that I'm still standing. Thank you Ms. Matthews for shining your light onto the world.
This is not exactly a new philosophy and the Stoics and Buddhist have known this for millennium. This is still a great talk and it's great to be reminded that you cannot rely on the external world to make you happy. Thanks, Holly.
I glad I came across this video and thank you for telling me life is not fair, so stop wasting time expecting people to
do things the way that I want it done.
Thank you so much for this TED Talk! Exactly what I needed to hear and I now feel I have more clarity in what needs to be done since my Plan A didn't work despite my best efforts and having really deserved the outcome.
This talk was really encouraging because we live in such an unfair world and for some people, like me, it is more difficult to deal with this reality. Accepting that the worlds is unfair and that things will note get better, that bad things will happen to everyone is a big step in dealing with anxiety and anger. We need to learn to accept what we cannot change.Thank you so much for your help. I will look for the book cited.
Oh! she said so true. So true. I am trying to pick myself up how many ever times I still keep falling down. This session gave me another lesson to think and ponder on what is happening with me.
It’s so difficult for someone like me to be surrounded by this “just choose to be happy” mentality. I’m not attacking it, it’s just extremely hard for my brain to comprehend it and adapt to it. Yes, I’ve been to therapy, yes, I’m a highly conscious person, but still, I find it hard to just “be happy”.
For me, this is the best TedTalks I've ever watched🙂❣️
Thank you Holly💕
Wow thats a gorgeous thing to say, thank you x are you subscribed to my channel too? xx
yeah holly
Amen 🙏
Me too
Accepting the unfairness of the world is why I don't have any children. I mean, why subject someone else, someone truly innocent to a world you know is unfair and unjust?
Because this has been human history.
Agreed. How selfish of us to bring them and let them grow up on this earth which is already dying from climate change, plastic pollution and global warming. And people say Parents are selfless towards children! Hah! What a mockery!
Exactly 💯 I feel the same way!
Speaking as a child I wouldn't mind being born just to eat ice cream!
Life's beauty is worth experiencing all the unfairness that exists
She was the best Tedx speaker I ever heard. She addressed unfairness in the way everyone can relate to.
Thank you Cindy x
That was incredible! Thanks for sharing. I applaud you to have the courage to speak about your loss. Thank you.
This kind of talk irritates me because it's so judgemental and sanctimonious. She calls out people for being miserable and blames victims for not "taking responsibility" as she defines it.
Acceptance of life's unfairness is inevitable for anyone facing insurmountable problems but it certainly won't set them free. Try telling that to survivors of serious trauma or abuse, not just the loss of a love one or relative. Don't you think that they have possibly already accepted that life is unfair? Well, if that's the case then they should be set free. However, they still appear to suffer, so what gives? Are they just one of those whining victims she refers to at the beginning of the talk?
What's the alternative then mate? Tell them to continue to wallow in their own misery and despair? Yes people face seemingly insurmountable problems in life, undeservingly alot of times. However most often what sets apart those who overcome their situation and those who don't is their willingness to do everything in their power to not be a victim to their circumstances. I don't have a huge social circle yet I probably interact regularly with atleast a dozen people who will chalk up all of their problems to circumstances out of their control and take no personal responsibility to try and atone or improve their situation. It's very common, because it's very easy to deflect responsibility and very tempting to absolve yourself of all blame. The people who are best off in life are the ones who do this the least. Even a paraplegic living below the poverty line in a totalitarian country can take actions and assume a mindset to drastically improve their own life.
@@passivlyassertive9696 The alternative is to do something that's goes against one's pride, that is, to show compassion. Try to imagine how their unique situation might feel and take it from there.
Remember that most people do the best they know with the resources and abilities they have, given the circumstances. Not everyone who is facing hardship is wallowing in self-pity and making the conscious choice to be a victim. Some people are simply overwhelmed by such an impossible situation that they give up all hope of finding a solution or moving on. This is known as learned helplessness and the resulting depression is difficult to beat on one's own. It would most likely require a course of counseling or CBT.
Those who do play the victim are often overembellishing their problems to get a reaction or simply gain attention. It can happen because they would otherwise feel invisible to people around them. I have known individuals like this and, I will admit, they are very difficult to deal with because a negative attitude has become a part of their persona rather than something they wish to overcome. In many ways, they don't want to make changes because they have developed a perverse sense of pleasure from their negative state.
You are right that it's important to recognise one's own responsibility in overcoming life's challenges but sometimes the most responsible thing a person can do is to seek help, either from a professional or a compassionate friend.
yes, it only makes you feel more like a wreck.
Or tell it to someone locked in a dark basement in absolute darkness for years for example.
I think you’re right to be honest. Many people have CPTSD that with every fibre of their being people can’t control. And people tell them to stop being a victim 🙄
Omg, this is the best speech I have ever heard!!! Contagious strength 💪🏾💪🏾💪🏾! Thank you sweety for your testimony 😘
Beautiful amazing soul full truth spoken. Bless you n thank you. Accepting life's unfair ness indeed set's you free. All your dreams come true.
You straight up spoke to me. Blessed to listen you speak🙏🏿
This is a very good talk. May God bless this lady, and may God bless us all.
Lost my wife in 2018 and this talk is truthful and helpful. Great job.
I am relieved by this talk. THANKS SOOOOO MUCH, Holly, for sharing your thoughts. I want to hear more from you.
Very true! I think she articulated this very well that life is not fair and it is upto us to work on the things we can control
Lovely presentation and so true. I heard someone say recently (on Instagram by the way) that vulnerability is a super power. So when life deals you the next unexpected and unacceptable bad hand, process it, have a good cry if you have to, ask for help if you need it, accept it, deal with it, learn from it and move on with your life that little bit the wiser. The alternative is just pain and misery.
For me the learning from it would be the hardest
Easy to say, but for many, a rogue brain, or OCD, ADD, BP, etc., makes it v difficult to do that - Even when one has no interest in being a victim- or one of C Myss's wounded that live to share same w/others. I like this talk, but I really don't think it's this simplistic for many, many ppl.
@@suzanneyoung1729 Yeah I get that x
Your optimism is truly admirable Holly. Thank you for ŷour morning facebook lives during corona lockdown and your amazing ball of energy. Very inspirational 😊
This was exactly what I needed to hear! This resonated better than anything I've heard or read yet! Thank you!
An absolutely sensational TED talk, I normally like to add some extra points within the comments I write although a wise man once said nothing at all. I just want to express my gratitude for this TED talk - you've helped many.
I've got plenty to complain that life has been unfair about, but I've found that there's peace and power in moving forward and learning 🙏 thank u for your inspiring words.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil
I totally agree. Life will always throw curve balls. 95% of all we go through has got to do with relationships directly or indirectly. Yes! By all means, fight for justice and don’t lie down and bury your head in the sand BUT learn to ACCEPT those things that we cannot fix and simply move on. Do not remain STUCK. You will rob yourself of precious life if you play the victim. The planet will keep spinning. Move with it and yes! Always be open for a plan B.
Great TED talk
Geoff from West Australia
Thanks for this speak. Helps me cry and looking at my own in fearness around my and coming out of this self pity
The move here is mindfulness. Learning how to build this muscle has unlocked my mind and allowed me to not react to life and just be.
Thank you so much. I really need this today and maybe sometime later.
Life saving speech for me...i couldn't sleep without loud music for last 2 years..only after watching this i was able to sleep without earphones...
wow ive never been happier typing how to love myself and coming across all these great videos.
11:22 - 11:42 is pure gold! Live by it.
This was so refreshing to hear. This boosted me up with a energy that I needed. Thank you.
That was a great speech and a great story.
I’m 55 now and I’m so tired and wore out and depressed.
I never had any children or a loving wife I don’t have any retirement saved up.
I feel that whatever I was going to do in life I guess I’ve done it.
I can’t even work up enough drive to complete the simplest tasks in life.
I have no more chances at my age so what’s the point of getting up each day.
That’s how I feel and that’s what I’m struggling with.
I understand you, sir, and I feel you .... I am a young man from Iraq, I am 25 years old too. I would like to have children, but I am unable to have children because of my bad psychological conditions, difficult economic living and my psychological situation is not qualified for children ... But I would like to remind you that not all A person who has children is happy. Every day, you can see and hear news about parents who treat their children poorly and who are deprived and who do not spend on their children or are easily abandoned and who is abuse their children...Live day by day and do not care about anyone, sir. Greetings to you, sir 🌷
I really hope that you have found something that you look forward to each day.. when you have to get up from the bed.
@@vishwa363
Thanks
I’m doing what I can.
Keep going my friend. You are amazing and give yourself an high five for replying to this comment. Read about Identity shifting and law of attraction and attract an amazing life for you.. what ever you want. Wish you well. Wish you all the energy and good luck to you my friend.
I feel for you, man. I'm not quite your age, actually turning 40 in a few months but I've had a lot taken out of me and things seem to take ten times more work and effort if not impossible. Yet I plan on joining the local MMA gym and putting in the work and seeing if some new relationships and shifts in life and outlook may happen. Besides that, I'm at a period where it seems I have to find a new occupation, or rather what it is I was really meant to do. Currently homeless but at least have a car which is my wife's whom I live with. My mind turns into a prison without walls and bars during some periods throughout my life.
A great talk complimenting my personal, amateur, varied research on the topic of acceptance. A great speaker. I hope I can reach that stage 1 day.
Excellent Ted Talk. So insightful and precise. What a brave woman. Such awareness through very tough times and she is so young with big responsibilities. 🦋
Life CAN be a gift but it's not always a gift for many of us. I have accepted and made peace with the fact that some people are blessed in life to have much happiness and some of us aren't. My life isn't over yet so there may be happiness ahead but if I'm honest, I'm not sure how much longer I can stick around to find out. I will keep trying to move forward. I refuse to live in the past or play the victim. I will give it some more time but I also know that one day I might just call it a day.
hope ur okay
everyone experiences sadness,even those who have good life
even them gets crying for no reason
Great talk. We don't have much control when it comes to what will be thrown upon us, but we do have the choice to respond and it's completely up to us in what manner we do that. Perhaps that's the only thing we have control over.
If even that.
There is so much sense in what she says. We have to stop thinking that we are the only ones that haven't had it easy. If it doesn't sink in the first time, listen to it again. But really listen. Let's snap out of our b.s., shake it off and move on to better things.
Go-d bless you dear! Profoundly brilliant your acceptance and quest for true perspective on the experiences that make up part of our lives! Blessings
Wonderful talk. I’m grieving, my hubby was amazing now gone , my family spent 25 years ignoring me , I’ve had a lot of problems, but my
Daughter brings me joy that’s my focus now.
She will grow up and move out and live her life. You have to be your happiness.
@@Somebodysomewheresometime of course she will but God only borrows us our kids , but we must always have open door to them forever
@@gina2190 I never said close the door on your child - if course not! I said happiness can only come from inside you. And putting that on a child is actually harmful to the child
@@Somebodysomewheresometime I’ve never put anything harmful on my child the opposite I’ve protected her from everything bad I can up till now, I hope I always can but of course she will have to make some mistakes herself , I just hope and pray she’s happy in life.
Couldn't even hear the full speech....tears already falling 😢😢
Well done. Myth of life being a glowing thing is tenderly unraveled here. Life is a hard cry on the floor indeed.
HI EVERYONE AFTER BEING CLEAN AND SOBER FOR 3 YEARS THIS MARCH 6-2023 I WANT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING AFTER HEARING THIS GREAT MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH STAY STRONG EVERYONE AND HAVE A WONDERFUL WONDERFUL 2023
Life is unfair.Still compared to others I'm in better situation. But still just thinking hardwork and tears sweat and time you spent never matter is very miserble.
How does she know that 'we', as in everybody, gets a moment to regain a breath? Is she advising that we accept unfairness to others or just accept unfairness to ourselves?
Some people are physically tortured by others with intent : is she advising that everyone should just get a plan B, if they are two years of age, or homeless or physically disabled or wrongfully imprisoned?
I was taught that life wasn't fair by an abusive parent, so I accepted all the horrible things, that parent did to me, so they continued to do them to me. There is perhaps a difference between life being unfair and people being unfair. I never think it is unfair, when it rains or bad luck, when I can't find a parking space, but I do think it is unfair, when people kill someone else for financial reasons or torture someone, because they don't agree with them, or refuse to share, when they have plenty and the other person has none.
I am sad, that she lost her husband. I am sad that her husband had brain cancer. I am glad she had memories of moments of joy to hang on to. I worry that there may be people, who don't have moments of joy, to carry them through their loss. I cannot assume that all people have good moments to carry them through or a breath free from pain, when they need it.
Very well said.
True. We shouldn't worry about small meaningless stuff or something out of our control. But more often than not, it's people around us who inflict pain for their selfishness. We have to do everything we can to not be a victim.
Very well said. This is exactly the point I struggle with, but never see answered in talks like this. I also see fairness in the randomness of the world. Random is fair even tho it can feel like its not. But how do we deal with people being unfair? Cause people being unfair, is something we as people can control.
Well said. The value behind any advice comes from how aware people are of their own "previlege". It's simple....it's empathy. Talks like this hint at empathy....but in an effort to stress the importance of self-responsability they tend to lump people all in the same bag.
The fact the human race still struggles is PROOF...whatever methods we are using STILL don't meet the needs of ALL: And what life philosophy can be truly of service, if it doesn't apply to all?
I will free myself from the expectation of fairness by cheating my way through the next test. Thanks!
This is the best Ted talk I have ever come acrossed. Most Ted talks are personal constructs of certain subjects and topics, but this is spot on, real people talking about real life's problems and its solution. There is indeed, true power in accepting life's unfairness. I wish I had known this secret while I was younger. I come to this knowledge through personal experiences just a couple of years ago. Thank you Holly👍🙏
What a strong and remarkable woman. So much food for thought ❤
Everything is food it’s a question of openness.. to a subject and its view…
Idk if it's my countless mental illness but i can't get out of the victim mentality, i just go everywhere and see injustice, people don't having what to eat, people dying at hospitals because they don't have money for a better healthcare, it's just overwhelming, even if that's life how i just move on with my own life? I'd do be crying everytime I see a homeless old man, but how can I not react to it? World is cruel that's for sure, everything she said is true but I don't like any of these, am i just sensitive and depression makes it worse or
There's nothing you can do to stop being human. No matter how hard we try we can't unsee the plethora of unfairness in this world and that I believe is human nature.
Uhh yes I’m the exact same way
Every pain has an end either it is physical or mental.All of us will die one day we are here for a short time.
First off my deepest condolences to her and her family 😢 I understand loss as deep as that from losing my Grandmother and my Mother in the same year. I had to go through my grief alone, and not being close to my living family didn't help. Keep this in my mind all of this was happening right before quarantine and the pandemic. I was already beginning my personal isolation on top of being forced too be isolated. I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations and also needed/still need therapy today. I began to focus on the things that truly matters present time, and that is my sanity. Many events in my life I for sure feel were never fair, but if everything that wasn't fair never happened how can I say I lived through it? I made it through my worst experiences only because I was able to handle them. If we never had social media as how life once was... Would we be so concerned with being in "the know" of strangers only to not truly living what we know of ourselves? We all die but not all of us live! Life is about as fair as we make it that way from how we precept life. We all fall and rise in life but it's never how many times you fall... It's how many times you keep getting up!
What's not fair is someone not being able to read this message because they're no longer here.
What is fair is someone being (you) are reading it now, and you can appreciate whatever you're going through...
Because you will be alright again if not already in your mind.
Much 🤍💯☝🏾🙏🏾🙌🏾
The world it not fair. I agree. I accept that. I understand what she is saying but some people have CPTSD and that is why they get "stuck." Not everyone is wired the same. You can't think your way out of trauma. Not everyone can "pull themselves up by their bootstraps." I suppose this talk is not geared towards people stuck in limbic trauma loops, but I think it is important also to not judge others who are stuck in victimization. Some people had really bad childhoods which actually changes their brain, so they are not as resilient. Again, not everyone can think their way out of trauma. And if that is you, please seek out somatic trauma therapy, guided psychedelic therapy, varying trauma therapy. Our ancestors helped one another heal and move past traumatic experiences.