Epiphany: autism diagnosis for boys is primarily for the comfort of those around them. For girls, it's for our own wellbeing. This dramatically complicates the life of an autistic girl/woman because we are enculturated to bend ourselves to other's needs. We need the diagnosis so we can more easily justify our own needs, because society at large gaslights us and dismisses our perspective and expressed needs.
@@kathryncollins8708exactly. and looking at blogs about autistic males... most of them stim freely, avoid eye contact, speak however they are comfortable, but their autistic mothers and other autistic women ar forced to mask, no matter how low or high their support needs are. I wish we all could live freely.
i'm a good looking white male, my needs have been rejected by pretty much every single person i've expressed them to including every girlfriend i've ever had. The feeling for me is, because people see privilege they will absolutely refuse to accept I have autism. They just refuse and call me childish or evil, including the bleeding hearts.
This really resonated - I was just thinking how much better it would be if we could live tribally, and you said it! We weren't designed to live unsupported. I wish you lived near enough to be my friend. Sending support through the ether!
Samsies! I'm in for the communal thing! I have goats, chickens and am a Highly Sensitive Person, along with AuDHD & Autism. Just diagnosed in Jan - 46yrs old.
I'm one of the few people fortunate to live in that situation. My wife handles so much and just the thought of those extra things added to my "workload" is terrifying. People see someone who is very intelligent and can communicate well, and they don't know how the person couldn't have a good job or be very successful at something. They don't understand that this is what it looks like to give 100%, and often we can't even reach that level. People call us "low support needs" but they don't take into account that we already are receiving support to be where we are
AuDHD here, diagnosed last year at age 46. My only support system consisted of my mom and my best friend. Both of them died within 10 months of each other, in 2022 & 2023. Then my husband divorced me. I'm all alone, with no support whatsoever. I went to the cardiologist this week for weird, scary symptoms, and I'm apparently physically okay, so they said it's "just anxiety." (Like that's no big deal!) Like you said, low support needs doesn't mean NO support needs. But I get no support, and it's ruining my mental health, and I'm sick of it. 😥 P.S. I love your videos; they're very relatable! Thank you 🙏
@@kikijewell2967 I really want to. I started making these videos to see "where it leads" because I don't really know but I hope it leads there in some way shape or form. ❤
If you think there's something physically wrong, please get a second (or third or fourth) opinion. I don't know that I've ever gotten any of my serious medical conditions diagnosed correctly on the first try. Now I realize a lot of it is because my AuDHD means I communicate differently than most medical professionals expect and know I have to fight hard for help in a medical setting.
AuDHD male here (and an avid cyclist and hiker) re: cardio concerns - don't let medical staff dismiss those issues! - I had a heart attack without any prior warning a few years ago and I've since learned that they constantly misinterpret and dismiss autistic concerns as anxiety/hypochondria because they can't see beyond our masking (that and/or they just can't be arsed to do the paperwork until the situation is critical.) If something doesn't feel right, trust your body.
@@Nopadope Yes, they are finally finding out that genetics, and mouth bioflora are key factors. I had my first root canal at 8 ys out and despite low sugar/junk food diet and lots of brushing at times, I have been shamed by Dentists for 50 years. Lucky you.❤️
@@reneedevry4361 I’m so sorry that you’ve been shamed by people meant to help you. That’s a special kind of messed up. You’re beautiful and you did nothing wrong.
Your video also gave me an idea how about creating a collective living environment for autistic and people with ADHD, where we could help each other and have professional help living in our community. Almost like Assisted Living for the elderly but to help us with our varying support needs.❤
Neurodivergent assisted living! Could even have the independent apartments/supported apartments (like where housekeeping comes weekly and a meal/meds are delivered daily)/assisted living (for those who need help with ADL’s), like some elder care facilities have! 😊👍❤️
I’ve always had these needs too. However, “I can’t seem to maintain it” wow. At 63, almost 64 I am still struggling to find my support system. This truly resonates with my life It’s made my life incredibly hard. Thank you so much for these. So appreciated. 🕊️🦋🌧️☀️🦉🎭🇨🇦🌷
Thank you! Thank you! It’s hard for some of my family to understand when I’m invited to a family event, and I tell them, “It depends on how I am on that day.” 😢
This was damn frightening to hear my narrative coming out of your mouth word for word except I can't drive. I tried to learn many times. The only other change is time. My mother died last year at 87 (I am 64 in July) creating the worst collapse of my life. All my masking just stopped and I am struggling to get enough masking skills back so I can work occaisionally. I have a long waiting list of clients but I can rarely manage my work.
Every word of this is relatable. Just being employed and taking care of my cats is too much. My house is always a disaster.but I prefer that to loving with my parents. But they did have to help me get into it because I'm not consistent enough to have savings. It really does help to know other people struggle too.
I'm the same, I would not even be able to live alone if it weren't for money that I got when my dad died. I have only gotten through life because of my parents help. I try, but I just cannot keep a job without burning out. By the way, I love your username!
I struggle to brush my teeth everyday, and it takes me two plus hours sometimes to get IN the shower- and rhen i stay in until the hot water runs out. You KNOW i am unwell when i can't rally to shower, because being clean is a huge sensory comfort to me, i usually can't even let myself in the bed if i am not clean... Looking at it, i am so proud of myself for cohabitation, it was so hard not to micromanage the bed especially, i have weird cleanliness issues about my bedding, and dirty feet in the bed is something i struggle with, and i just have to grit my teeth amd keep my own feet on my side, which is sad because it makes cuddling difficult... But you can't tell another person you think they are dirty, it doesn't go over well... I lost both my mom and grandma im my 21st year. I am 40 now, and i stay in unsatisfying relationships just so i can have that other person, it's not exactly support when they won't give any credibility to my mental reality... My mom and Mimi GOT IT, GOT ME. I honestly think my mom was austic as well, NOT bipolar- she never really left home, she and my grandma were labled "co-dependent " which i think now is BS, given my mother's difficulty in the world. I wanted to believe i was different. So i left and they both died within that first year, and i tried to live a normal life, and i just became an alcoholic in a bad relationship, lol... I hate myself for leaving. They both died in very preventable ways, i was always the glue, and they both straight told me they didn't have a reason to live without me there. But i thought i had to try, i didn't know the full extent of my difficulties until i didn't have them picking up my pieces, and then all of sudden there was nothing left to return to, and i am lost without a man to take care of me. I need SOMEONE to buffer the world for me, i cannnot work full time amd wjen i do burn out i start drinking again, which just makes everything exponentially worse. But i can't deal with it sober. I can't show up in the world sober when it gets like it is now. I try, but i fold like a cheap suit. It guves me a distance between myself and the world, for awhile, until it crashes down so close all you can do is hold the peices and sob... Anyway. I know i am rambling now...
We can only do… what we can do. It is not your fault your mom and grandma died. It was not your job to stay and save them… and, after all, they would have very likely eventually predeceased you, anyway. I know that doesn’t make the feelings go away… have you considered working in assisted living, so you can help other people’s moms and grandmas? There is a huge demand for this right now, and it will only get worse as time goes on. I’m sure part-time positions are available, and knowing you are helping other aging people could ease the guilt some for you. ❤️🩹
If it makes you feel any better, I never got out of my pajamas today and haven't had a full-time job since 2010. I really almost always get dressed, but I'm trying to honor my actual needs that I denied for 40something years. It feels good, and maybe tomorrow I can go out in the world because of my rest today. Thank you for reminding me I mainly only have autopilot when I don't want it (driving and missing turns, oh, and bad habits, too). Having to remember and fight autistic inertia and transitions every single f-ing time I have to do basic maintenance tasks is SO EXHAUSTING!!! That's why I gave myself a break today even though I cooked, which is something big in my world right now (still need to put the food in the fridge or all that work is for naught). When I cook and take care of myself, I really do feel better and have more capacity. It's just so hard to keep it up. One wrong thing throws me so far off. It's like I'm always either on an upward or downward spiral, and there's nothing I can do to help it. It's just life's ups and downs, but they feel so magnified to me. When I'm feeling up, I try to capitalize on it and really take care of this body. I know something will knock me off course, and I'll fall way down again. It's life's chutes and ladders, but I wonder whether they hit neurodivergent people harder in general (aren’t we more susceptible to PTSD?).
Something always knocks me off track and it could be something or just... that day... I've just accepted that "staying on track" is just not going to happen but I try to stay on more than off, and I can do that most of the time. it's still hard though.
I have been teaching myself to relax my mind and body and not to jump up and do because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. That only lead to burn out. This way, I forget things and get things mixed up, but I feel so much better, less anxious. Maybe more hungry because I didn’t plan anything but at least less anxious. 😬
Very tragic times hit ALL types of people in very traumatic ways. Life is hard for everyone, no one can escape. Tragedy can strike nuerotypicals to and they can be just as damaged by trauma as anyone else. God can get us through.
Thank you. I felt that so hard I'm crying. I'm a Millennial, and have pretty much always lived with my parents. Now it's just my da, 72, and also terrified. At the same time I feel terrible that so much lands on his shoulders when he's got the same diagnoses plus deserving of an easy retirement. My mom looked after us both, and I'm pretty sure she was similarly ND based on things she said. She also reached a point where she stopped working and ran the household. Nobody appreciates that EVERY household benefits from having one person whose 'job' is to keep it running. I've thought about a virtual assistant but how do you hire someone to order groceries, make sure the medical claims get filed, AND insist you go shower? I think living in groups (pods?) may be the way to go. Everybody needs their own space with communal areas where you can opt to join a meal or contribute your WiFi-fixing skills or whatever. Thanks got posting this. I feel a bit less singular, and more determined to find a way of living that DOESN'T cause me to burn out over and over. ❤
I've tried to explain that to my therapist as well as myself. Many thanks for the words I want to say but couldn't find. 🤗 When my friend moved in, 8 years ago, my refrigerator was full of McDonalds bags with half eaten sausage McMuffins, no actual food. Without them I literally wouldn't survive long. I was a single parent for 11 years and managed exceptionally well. When my son moved away for university I began losing executive function.
@aubreyleonae4108 It's heartbreaking how few therapists who understand neurodivergent people there are. And how few medical professionals (all types) that understand anything at all about it... & they're actually unknowingly causing #medicaltrauma
Yes, never knowing from day to day what I'll be able to do, how long it will take to do the basics!! And little external things that I wasn't expecting, throw me. I really needed to hear this.
I’ve spent so much of my life being given labels like ‘lazy’, ‘woolly minded’, ‘indecisive’. And I internalised a lot of those labels, thinking that they must be the explanation for why I wasn’t doing what other people did. But as a late-diagnosed AuDHDer (first dx five years ago, at 52), I now realise that I just struggle (a lot of the time) with things that neurotypical people find they can do on autopilot. My ‘low support needs’ aren’t ‘no support needs’, and occasionally they’re pretty ‘high support needs’. In most cases, they’re unmet needs. 😔 I’m glad you have your mother’s support at the moment, though I can understand your concern about what will happen when she can’t support you any longer. *hugs offered*
I know hiring help is never cheep, but having a cleaner come every other week for 2 or 3 hours, ESPECIALLY if you use it to body double, can make a HUGE difference.
I'm really sorry for what I feel like is a very silly question but... How do you use it to body double? Like, do you have them clean some things and then you clean others...? Don't they feel weird about that? I have no idea, I've never had a cleaner, it just seems like it might be a social faux pas somehow, but I can't really explain why I worry that edit - to clarify, I have often thought about hiring someone to help once a month with really big tasks, but I worried that I would cause myself so much stress cleaning for the cleaners and that I didn't know *at all* how to behave while they were cleaning (do I do other tasks?! how do I make sure I'm available but not underfoot?? do I stay here or leave entirely?? how would I ever be okay with having a *stranger* cleaning my home?!) - the idea of using it to body double in some way is very appealing
@marleysoluna Body doubling is when you have a friend come over when you need to clean or organize something. They may either help you clean/organize or just keep you company while you do those things. I suppose the same thing can happen if you hire someone to come clean.
You shed a lot of light on my experience and my mother's. She is brilliant and I believe undiagnosed. She would always beat herself up for not being able to consistently stay employed. For a long time as a child i thought she was just a looser. Then when I went through the same stuff as an adult I thought i was a faluire and a looser. I felt a lot of shame. Now I can understand both of us better. ❤ thank you 😊
Yep, totally relatable. It's like the allegory (parable?) of the blind men and the elephant - the day's tasks are the elephant and we're only ever able to deal with one small, isolated part at a time - and, in moving from one part to another, the "big picture" just doesn't ever come together for us.
Yes! Thank you for covering this! If only there was a way to predict what kind of a day the next day will be. Some nights I can go to bed with no problem, other nights I can't shut my brain off! And when I expeirence stress, I can only do what is absolutely necessary!
I have trouble with shutting my brain off. I don’t like medicine, so I listen to Seinfeld every night and fall asleep within minutes. Disclaimer: It may not be the healthiest thing to do, but it helps me sleep.
Wow, I cannot believe how alike we are! I am also 52 and I had to move back in with my mom a couple times, most recently I was living with my mom up until about 8 years ago. My mom is the same age as yours and she still gives me food all the time and buys me things and offers to drive me places if the roads are too bad, etc. I try not to rely on her because I know she won't be around forever but I would have been homeless without her. So I totally get it! I wish we could also live in a little city of just autistic people, of course where we would each have our own separate private areas but where we could also have a community kitchen with group meals and people could cook for us if we can't cook, and there could be somebody that comes around and cleans for us, that's my big thing that I can't do, there are parts of my place that I have not cleaned in 2 years.
This is my experience, and I also have what is essentially "chronic fatigue" on top of it. And I don't have anyone to help. I would be living in my car if my family wasn't helping me financially...and honestly that would probably take me out.
Look into if there are any subsidized housing options in your area. I did & my apartment is tiny, old & leaves a lot to be desired but I can afford it.
*I am glad you have your mother.* I have the same struggle with burnout and moving back to my father's home. Plus I have brain trauma which means I have more support needs but I unfortunately I do not have a supportive family. They don't think I have autism - they think all my issues come from isolating myself.
50 and just had a doctor agree with me that I've been misdiagnosed over the years and Autism is what has always been there. My husband is my support in so many ways. So thankful.
I’m almost exactly like this. This is why I keep getting stuck in controlling relationships. Because that’s the kind of people who are willing to provide the support that I need. Normal people - yes they think I’m not trying hard enough.
I'm in the same situation, I'm just younger! I'll be 28 in a couple weeks and my parents are almost 60 and I am TERRIFIED of what I'll do when they're gone. I live with them now in an apartment-esque situation where I have my own space on the second floor of our house. I can work a part time job but get overwhelmed so quickly, Idk what I'd do without my parents to support me. 😩 Whenever it starts to stress me out I remember that I just gotta trust that God's got a plan for me and cling to that. But it's hard. 😔💜
I feel you. I feel this so much. I also will be 52 very shortly, within a couple of months, and I feel I have had a similar cycle of breaking down for long periods and then coming back. Trying to dig myself out of the hole right now. Thanks for helping; solidarity goes a long way
I’m the same, except twice-exceptional AuDHD-PI (and lefty! Go me! 🥴) and about 10 years younger, and listening to you is helping me understand that I got out of my mother’s house (and back in, and back out, and back in, and back out; realized I should stop having babies! 👶 Love my kids so much, though!) by focusing 100% on SURVIVAL. I prioritize doing whatever keeps everything from falling apart, and by golly, I SURVIVE (and so do my kids)! I married, had my son, divorced, remarried, had my daughter, and am now widowed, and I have a lot of hope for a more stable life going forward! Trying to get a proper autism assessment because it may keep me and my daughter (son is more functional, probably masked ASD-1 w/o the ADHD but did pick up a pretty high IQ!) off the streets and in food and medicine! This is how I have to think about life; survival, survival, always survival. It’s getting a little better all the time, though! 😊👍❤️
I relate to this video so strongly. I really appreciate you taking the time to share this, I understand how hard it is to open up to “safe people” let alone the Internet. It’s the inconsistency for me. It’s been there my whole life. It’s very much a struggle. I’ve been told my whole life “all you have to do is be consistent!” And in the back of my mind I’m going “that’s like asking me to [insert nearly impossible thing here]” I really wish I had an answer for how to make it better. But having support is so helpful!
I’ve been officially diagnosed with PTSD and Social Anxiety but I truly suspect I’m autistic. What you’re describing completely describes my entire existence. Some days I can focus in and get a week of work done in a day. And sometimes I crash and cant do much more than scroll my phone, and there isn’t even anything pleasurable about the scrolling. It sucks to get stuck. And it sucks to burn out over and over and over and over
Thank you for sharing your struggles...I can really relate and last year I finally started making adjustments to ask for help in different ways and it has really made a difference...my dear friend has more daily needs that I try to assist with because he never knows each day how he is going to feel and it can be a struggle for both of us...thank you for your authentic story and I know as time goes on you will figure things out what is best for you 💗☺️🙏
Another low support AuDHDer here and this has been my experience, except driving is too much for me. I rely on my mom for a lot. I don’t know how I’m going to do it without her. I live on my own and like it, but I still rely on my mom a lot.
🙂 Happy Birthday! & Thank you! - your videos are helping me ❤ I agree - it's not easy living this kind of life 😠😢 I'm so happy that you have your compassionate Mum ❤ & understand your fears for the future ❤ Love Theresa
everything you said, _everything,_ is something I've experienced myself. the cycle of going out into the world only to come back home burnt out has happened to me so many times now. because I'm self diagnosed atm (and unemployed, y'know, because autism) I am constantly treated like a burden at home. I have given up trying to explain why I am the way that I am because unless I have an official diagnosis, my family will simply not accept my autism. I have a lot of complicated emotions about being autistic and there is so much about my autism that I genuinely love, but if I could choose to just be "normal" and be able to work and be independent, I probably would.
Don't be so sure they would accept a diagnosis anyway. Mine don't really. It would mean them facing the way they have thought about me and treated me when all along I had a disability
I hear you ❤🤗 I don't have an official diagnosis either. My therapist and psychiatrist both agree that I am, and thank god my mom believes me because she's seen it my whole life. But it if wasn't for her I wouldn't have any support. No one else in my family believes me but they don't know me at all.
I just appreciate how well you explain things in ways I can’t. Thanks so much. Btw: I think I heard this in another channel about autism and the person said something like autistic don’t form habits like neurotypical do. So if a neurotypical takes their vitamins everyday at a certain day but something happens on a specific day, they can easily figure out something (e.g., like packing it up in a container and taking it with them and then eating it later). But autistics don’t have habits and it’s a good day if we remember and feel like taking out vitamins that day.
OMG I have a video about that I was going to post soon (it's on my tiktok now) It's really so true. Even the things that are a little easier to do (like making my coffee) every day I do it slightly different because I can't always remember the order of things!
"What will I do when she's no longer around" Wow. The exact same thing is in my head 24/7. I rely on my mom in so many ways, and justlooking at neurotypical people my age - its me who is supposed to take care of hernow,notthe other way around. Its shameful, its being a burden every second of yourlife, and just know that as soon as her health takes her away, Im crumbling. My "friends" say that the survival instinct will just kick in and I'll manage, and don't listen when I try to explain why it won't. I guess they just don't want to think about sad things. I understand.
I'm "low support needs" autistic with ADHD. I have the same issues. I'm retired and live alone. There are 2 events I'm committed to attending 2 days a week. The other activities I want to do I decide on the day whether I feel up to it. I'm lucky because I don't have to do any of these things. I've relaxed, since I know about my diagnoses (2 years ago), about when my kitchen is a mess. I'll get to it tomorrow. Watching this, I wonder if 2 such people could live with each other and serve as support for each other. I think this would work.
I have been recently diagnosed with ASD, anxiety and depression & also have a type of arthritis that can cause fatigue. I swear on the days I'm not tired & stiff from arthritis, I'm recovering from sensory overload or I'm letting my anxiety & my depression fight each other.
I’m similar, 43, live with mum aged 77, hoping to have less fatigue sometime now I know more about the stress behind it cos if not then idk. Not worked in five years, I’d love to write fiction as I did when I was younger before repeated burnout, seeing the dreams die to acceptance and letting go is a lot.
As neurodivergent in a different way, I get the issues your are describing. I have some auto pilot stuff, or rather, things that I have established as "no brainers". They just make sense to me. I never have an issue doing them. Then there are things that I just don't know well how to do. My brain is just still mystified by it, what it is, why it is good for me. It's the mental "shoulds" that aren't yet embodied. I'm learning to recognize them and also, to recognize what happens in me in response. It takes a lot of time. Because 1: if it's not directly connected to a need it turns into a should and I can't do shoulds anymore. 2: if I don't yet know how to do it, it makes me uncomfortable. I'm now adopting the point in the distance method. Does this bring me closer to the point, or further away. And I'm learning to feel what my body tells me, and not fighting against it. And I no longer feel bad for being who I am and where I am. I'm a lovely person. I'm learning to accept me. Tbh, i think for me a cause is that I haven't been accepted by others, so I also don't accept me. So I don't work with me but against me. And that's why I have executive function issues. People who get accepted, accept themselves and work _with_ themselves. As someone with trauma of not being accepted, this has been a challenge. I realize that's overly simplistic about others who are supposedly accepted, but I do think I'm on to something here.
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain and thank you for posting this. It got me thinking: which part of symptoms is the neurodivergence itself and which part is caused by the stress of not being accepted + the distance we need to cover to deal with a reality that wasn't made with us in mind. I have no way of knowing of course what it's like for you, as I don't know what it's like living in/with your brain. But for me, I'm actually quite sure it's the stress and lack of personal acceptance due to internalized othering that is causing my issues with taking care of me. I've always been focused on trying to cover the distance, not paying attention to myself. Do you think it could be something that could be true for you, as well?
@@jujubesification Oh of course. I mean you can't really separate them out, because my brain and natural self + trauma, anxiety, etc is now all just living inside of me and this is the result. If I could go back and not have all the extra stress and trauma? Who knows! I may be very different. ❤
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain having dealt with stress and structure and lack thereof, combined with not being aware of my own needs because of my focus on trying to understand others... I think the lack of auto pilot comes from overwhelm for me. I have to think of my feet all the time, I can't just "be myself", so I can't build an auto pilot.
This too shall pass my love, pretty soon what is seen as a deficit will be seen as a precious gift….I promise you…autism is a gift to all of humanity not just the people who have it
I’m in a similar position. My housing and situation as a carer could end in a flash if my partner dies and I’ll be expected to find somewhere to live and be fully employed within a few weeks. I feel like I’ll be on the streets or something.
Thank you for expressing and exposing this. I don't think a lot of people kno and understand and even those of us who are recently diagnosed or self diagnosed are still coming to terms with this being part of how our brain works. So thank you so much for bringing awareness to the experience. So that others can understand and so that we ourselves can understand.
I have been in that burnout for a very long year when I was 18. As I'm late diagnosed like you, I didn't know that my AuDHD and trauma was the culprit and I was medicated for depression with Prozac. It helped eventually stabilise me. I would never want to return to that state again as an adult. I'll be 50 this year and have lived on my own (and later, with my partner) since I was 23. I can't imagine the level of frustration and fear that you're experiencing with these cycles, but I know that it's real. If nothing else, the community you're in knows that it's real and that it is very much a part of how your brain is wired. I hope you can seek out some resources locally and maybe get involved with a group that can offer services. Is AuDHD recognised as a disability where you are?
To whoever sees this, what are the indications from being a child that sealed the deal for being autistic? I’m asking because I believe that I am autistic and ADHD and so did the psychologist who said that I have autistic characteristics and mannerisms. Until I gave them my eight or so page report about why I think I’m autistic and they said well you have the characteristics and mannerisms, but it doesn’t seem to have begun when you were young so you can’t be . So when I was young, what characteristics are mannerisms or whatever was I supposed to have presented of which myself and my 85-year-old mother did not seem to remember? I keep thinking that possibly I was presenting whatever these things are but that they just went unnoticed and un remembered since I wouldn’t have known, they were different in the first place. I believe that my dad and my brother were neurodivergent. They both died in 75 and 96. And my mom has mood disorder Except for when I was a teenager, I’ve never held down a job for more than three months due to burn out. And that was only a few times. I did keep a job for 18 months, which was four hours a day a few days a week in cubicles reading a script and I quit that job after I realized one day how uncomfortable I was there. I always thought I was fine until one day I felt like I was going to freak out and I gave my two weeks notice, I had no idea how uncomfortable I was until it surfaced. I had one job after that where I was “babysitting“ a young autistic man. We would do things throughout the day. He was nonverbal, but we seem to have perfect communication and I connected with him more than I did with All my fellow workers who I felt at odds with as they were obviously allistic and I wasn’t able to truly connect with them. 🙄😞 I turned 60 a few days ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I have nearly zero memories from childhood and there are some places you can still get a diagnosis because they are learning that it looks different in young girls than boys. I'm sorry you were told that and had a hard time. I very much relate. I hope someone else sees this and can answer your question better. I can tell you that you sound autistic to me based on everything you've said. ❤🤗
Speech delay is a big one. Delays in things like walking and toilet training, too. Hand-flapping/finger wiggling/jumping up and down/spinning when “excited” an unusual amount/past the age it might be occasionally expected. Covering ears to normal, everyday sounds/being very “picky” about eating/not wanting to wear clothing into school age/always wanting to wear sunglasses, even indoors. Playing with toys in unusual ways; sorting them, lining them up, building structures with them, repeatedly filling and dumping, instead of engaging in pretend social play. “Temper tantrums” well past the usual age, or being “too sensitive”. Getting along better with much older or younger children than kids about your own age. Poor school performance in spite of having “a lot of potential” if only you could “apply yourself”. Those are what come to my mind; I’m sure there are others.
Thx for sharing your life Autism chrysalis (the RUclipsr) has great great videos on autistic burnout! How long have you known you were autmazing? I lost my mom when I was 21, it’s hard without a mom, I had to look deeply into how I do things to make everything as Lightful I am happy to know you produce such great material too, I look forward to your development! May you be well
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain me it’s 18 months!!! I’m doing loads better with my noise cancellers and being kind of myself, I’m literally doing the best I can
Been screaming this for years. No human is meant to live on their own and do every single thing for themselves. Its not how we evolved and its extractive capitalism that makes us think otherwise. I am planning to move out of the US and I am scared about not having access to services that can do support tasks like grubhub, instacart, and others for when I am too burnt out etc to get my own groceries or do other tasks.
I only work 3 days a week. The chances of shutting down are reduced massively. The chances of it being a workday are really low now. I've lost work through meltdowns. I used to be freelance and good at it, so I'd still get the work but big breaks between contracts, which helped. That stopped that due to physical issues. The "down" days are never planned, they just happen. I try and build in rest days, it helps, but sometimes they just happen. Plans out the window. I try and incorporate tasks into a routine so they become auto pilot, but it can't incorporate everything. The tribe idea for AuDHD is interesting but can we be that sociable?
Thank you for this! I'm glad you found something that works better! And no I don't think we're that sociable lol, my vision is some kind of apartment complex situation, basically just we have our own space but we're not alone. But I don't know how to do it, it's just a wish. Maybe someday.
Aren't there organizations or communities for autistic people where you can socialize, exchange experiences and advice with others, or even find a partner.
Thank you for saying all of this so confidently and clearly. I relate to so much of this. I feel SO MUCH shame about all of it. Even my terror about my parents dying. Like I’m 41 I should be able to freakin manage by now 😫 I think about my brother. He’ll be devastated, but he’ll take some time off work, fly in, sign some papers, go through some stuff and get back to his life. He’ll grieve deeply but with the back drop of his “own” life, if that makes sense. It won’t be every aspect of his life affected. Anyway thank you for saying out loud what I cannot. I feel so much less alone. And thank goodness for your comment section!! What a great crowd you’ve gathered. 🩵
I guess I think of "high support needs" as can't put on pants, make food, drive, do much by yourself, etc. So in comparison to that, I have "low support needs" and I am pretty unmasked with my autistic & adhd traits. But compared to a person who is consistent and can do the things and support themselves, etc. I'm high support needs, and most of us are. ❤️
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain oh I can do all those daily tasks but if I've been subjected to a lot social interaction or noises my words disappear & I become forgetful and clumsy. I also become more intolerant of certain textures in clothing & food....it's very odd how too much peopling will ruin me.
But do you really have a need of doing these routines, or do you just think you need them? Why so reluctant to look for some changes? You body talks to you.
You have no idea how much I've tried to look for changes. NO IDEA. "try harder" is not the answer and this is just the kind of thing that makes these shares difficult. You don't HEAR me, you say "you should try something different." I've tried and tried more than you'll ever be able to fathom.
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain "Changes" mean the opposite of "tyring harder" from my words. It all looks like you are just being busy with more stuff than the really needed, sorry if I am misinterpretating. Whatever brings burnout to me is a NO-NO
@@anon.decoding_cardIt seems like you are trying to say something like what I said; the way to survive is to focus on SURVIVAL, not doing everything “right”. Did you know carpets can go months without be vacuumed? Windows don’t actually need washed? A lot of clothes can just be worn out of baskets without ever being put away? There is no need to “volunteer” for ANYTHING? It is okay to eat soup out of cans and not brush your teeth 3 days in a row? And there are these wonderful things called “pill minders” you can fill up every, say, Sunday morning and be good to go for the week, knowing whether you took your pills or not? Bottled water is 100% acceptable. You can skip showering for a day if you don’t have people to impress tomorrow. Also, washing can be done in segments; face and hair in the sink, hands in any sink anywhere, armpits with a washcloth, feet in a footbath, privates with baby wipes; if doing it all at once is overwhelming. Lots of tricks to survive! 😮💨
Epiphany: autism diagnosis for boys is primarily for the comfort of those around them. For girls, it's for our own wellbeing.
This dramatically complicates the life of an autistic girl/woman because we are enculturated to bend ourselves to other's needs.
We need the diagnosis so we can more easily justify our own needs, because society at large gaslights us and dismisses our perspective and expressed needs.
Oh wow that's so interesting, and sad actually 🥲 But thank you for this!
Wow, this really is an epiphany. Thanks for sharing.
I didn’t realize how much easier it was for guys. Maybe that’s why they don’t understand us as well in general.
@@kathryncollins8708exactly. and looking at blogs about autistic males... most of them stim freely, avoid eye contact, speak however they are comfortable, but their autistic mothers and other autistic women ar forced to mask, no matter how low or high their support needs are. I wish we all could live freely.
i'm a good looking white male, my needs have been rejected by pretty much every single person i've expressed them to including every girlfriend i've ever had. The feeling for me is, because people see privilege they will absolutely refuse to accept I have autism. They just refuse and call me childish or evil, including the bleeding hearts.
This really resonated - I was just thinking how much better it would be if we could live tribally, and you said it! We weren't designed to live unsupported. I wish you lived near enough to be my friend. Sending support through the ether!
Yes, I thought the same. I’m from Southern California, but I live in England now.
Awww thank youuuuu ❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
Samsies! I'm in for the communal thing!
I have goats, chickens and am a Highly Sensitive Person, along with AuDHD & Autism.
Just diagnosed in Jan - 46yrs old.
Mental workload to just do the basics is immense.
Yes ❤🤗❤🤗
I'm one of the few people fortunate to live in that situation. My wife handles so much and just the thought of those extra things added to my "workload" is terrifying. People see someone who is very intelligent and can communicate well, and they don't know how the person couldn't have a good job or be very successful at something. They don't understand that this is what it looks like to give 100%, and often we can't even reach that level. People call us "low support needs" but they don't take into account that we already are receiving support to be where we are
Oh yes - so well said 🤗
Yes, our 110% is everybody else’s 75%. (or whatever )That’s what it feels like.
Or we aren’t receiving the support that went need and we still wouldn’t be able to be what we should be and reach our full potential
AuDHD here, diagnosed last year at age 46. My only support system consisted of my mom and my best friend. Both of them died within 10 months of each other, in 2022 & 2023. Then my husband divorced me. I'm all alone, with no support whatsoever. I went to the cardiologist this week for weird, scary symptoms, and I'm apparently physically okay, so they said it's "just anxiety." (Like that's no big deal!)
Like you said, low support needs doesn't mean NO support needs. But I get no support, and it's ruining my mental health, and I'm sick of it. 😥
P.S. I love your videos; they're very relatable! Thank you 🙏
Also pandemic divorce. Desperately wanting to form a community to support each other. How to do this??
awwww I'm so sorry, I'm feeling this in my body so much. 🥲
@@kikijewell2967 I really want to. I started making these videos to see "where it leads" because I don't really know but I hope it leads there in some way shape or form. ❤
If you think there's something physically wrong, please get a second (or third or fourth) opinion. I don't know that I've ever gotten any of my serious medical conditions diagnosed correctly on the first try. Now I realize a lot of it is because my AuDHD means I communicate differently than most medical professionals expect and know I have to fight hard for help in a medical setting.
AuDHD male here (and an avid cyclist and hiker) re: cardio concerns - don't let medical staff dismiss those issues! - I had a heart attack without any prior warning a few years ago and I've since learned that they constantly misinterpret and dismiss autistic concerns as anxiety/hypochondria because they can't see beyond our masking (that and/or they just can't be arsed to do the paperwork until the situation is critical.) If something doesn't feel right, trust your body.
Ooh neurodivergent communities might be the thing us! I don’t know how that would work, but I want in!
I have gone over a month without brushing my teeth or taking a shower. And you know what, it’s freaking ok.
I relate to this so much. ❤
Yeah, I used to reassure myself like this but now I have barely enough teeth to chew my food.🙄
@@reneedevry4361 I’m so sorry, I’ve never had a cavity in 40 years so I think we have had different experiences
@@Nopadope Yes, they are finally finding out that genetics, and mouth bioflora are key factors. I had my first root canal at 8 ys out and despite low sugar/junk food diet and lots of brushing at times, I have been shamed by Dentists for 50 years.
Lucky you.❤️
@@reneedevry4361 I’m so sorry that you’ve been shamed by people meant to help you. That’s a special kind of messed up. You’re beautiful and you did nothing wrong.
Your video also gave me an idea how about creating a collective living environment for autistic and people with ADHD, where we could help each other and have professional help living in our community. Almost like Assisted Living for the elderly but to help us with our varying support needs.❤
Neurodivergent assisted living! Could even have the independent apartments/supported apartments (like where housekeeping comes weekly and a meal/meds are delivered daily)/assisted living (for those who need help with ADL’s), like some elder care facilities have! 😊👍❤️
I will move in ASAPPPP
I’ve always had these needs too. However, “I can’t seem to maintain it” wow. At 63, almost 64 I am still struggling to find my support system.
This truly resonates with my life
It’s made my life incredibly hard. Thank you so much for these. So appreciated.
🕊️🦋🌧️☀️🦉🎭🇨🇦🌷
You are so welcome, thank you for watching and sharing ❤️🤗❤️🤗
Thank you! Thank you! It’s hard for some of my family to understand when I’m invited to a family event, and I tell them, “It depends on how I am on that day.” 😢
Yes! ❤️🤗❤️🤗 That's good that you say that actually
This was damn frightening to hear my narrative coming out of your mouth word for word except I can't drive. I tried to learn many times.
The only other change is time. My mother died last year at 87 (I am 64 in July) creating the worst collapse of my life. All my masking just stopped and I am struggling to get enough masking skills back so I can work occaisionally.
I have a long waiting list of clients but I can rarely manage my work.
I am wishing you the best in figuring out what works for you ❤🤗❤🤗❤🤗
Ohhhhh, my heart!!
I feel your plight in my bones!
I’ll come live with you❤no smells, no loud noises, all the delicious food you can eat, all the empathy you can handle.
awwwwwww 😭😭😭😭😭
How is going to have no smells if you’re cooking food ??? 🍲
@@mommalion7028 chemical smells, I know she knew what I meant cause she’s autistic, I’m assuming you are not
@@mommalion7028Maybe it’s mostly noodles with butter? 🤔
Every word of this is relatable. Just being employed and taking care of my cats is too much. My house is always a disaster.but I prefer that to loving with my parents. But they did have to help me get into it because I'm not consistent enough to have savings. It really does help to know other people struggle too.
I know, at least we know that we're not extra crispy messed up and it's just us having to navigate our neurotype. ❤🤗❤🤗
@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain ❤️ 💙 💜
I'm the same, I would not even be able to live alone if it weren't for money that I got when my dad died. I have only gotten through life because of my parents help. I try, but I just cannot keep a job without burning out. By the way, I love your username!
@gaiagoddess5360 I like your username too! Yeah, I appreciate the help from my parents but being fully self supportive would be amazing
I struggle to brush my teeth everyday, and it takes me two plus hours sometimes to get IN the shower- and rhen i stay in until the hot water runs out.
You KNOW i am unwell when i can't rally to shower, because being clean is a huge sensory comfort to me, i usually can't even let myself in the bed if i am not clean...
Looking at it, i am so proud of myself for cohabitation, it was so hard not to micromanage the bed especially, i have weird cleanliness issues about my bedding, and dirty feet in the bed is something i struggle with, and i just have to grit my teeth amd keep my own feet on my side, which is sad because it makes cuddling difficult...
But you can't tell another person you think they are dirty, it doesn't go over well...
I lost both my mom and grandma im my 21st year.
I am 40 now, and i stay in unsatisfying relationships just so i can have that other person, it's not exactly support when they won't give any credibility to my mental reality...
My mom and Mimi GOT IT, GOT ME.
I honestly think my mom was austic as well, NOT bipolar- she never really left home, she and my grandma were labled "co-dependent " which i think now is BS, given my mother's difficulty in the world.
I wanted to believe i was different.
So i left and they both died within that first year, and i tried to live a normal life, and i just became an alcoholic in a bad relationship, lol...
I hate myself for leaving.
They both died in very preventable ways, i was always the glue, and they both straight told me they didn't have a reason to live without me there.
But i thought i had to try, i didn't know the full extent of my difficulties until i didn't have them picking up my pieces, and then all of sudden there was nothing left to return to, and i am lost without a man to take care of me.
I need SOMEONE to buffer the world for me, i cannnot work full time amd wjen i do burn out i start drinking again, which just makes everything exponentially worse.
But i can't deal with it sober.
I can't show up in the world sober when it gets like it is now.
I try, but i fold like a cheap suit.
It guves me a distance between myself and the world, for awhile, until it crashes down so close all you can do is hold the peices and sob...
Anyway.
I know i am rambling now...
We can only do… what we can do. It is not your fault your mom and grandma died. It was not your job to stay and save them… and, after all, they would have very likely eventually predeceased you, anyway. I know that doesn’t make the feelings go away… have you considered working in assisted living, so you can help other people’s moms and grandmas? There is a huge demand for this right now, and it will only get worse as time goes on. I’m sure part-time positions are available, and knowing you are helping other aging people could ease the guilt some for you. ❤️🩹
If it makes you feel any better, I never got out of my pajamas today and haven't had a full-time job since 2010. I really almost always get dressed, but I'm trying to honor my actual needs that I denied for 40something years. It feels good, and maybe tomorrow I can go out in the world because of my rest today.
Thank you for reminding me I mainly only have autopilot when I don't want it (driving and missing turns, oh, and bad habits, too). Having to remember and fight autistic inertia and transitions every single f-ing time I have to do basic maintenance tasks is SO EXHAUSTING!!! That's why I gave myself a break today even though I cooked, which is something big in my world right now (still need to put the food in the fridge or all that work is for naught).
When I cook and take care of myself, I really do feel better and have more capacity. It's just so hard to keep it up. One wrong thing throws me so far off. It's like I'm always either on an upward or downward spiral, and there's nothing I can do to help it. It's just life's ups and downs, but they feel so magnified to me. When I'm feeling up, I try to capitalize on it and really take care of this body. I know something will knock me off course, and I'll fall way down again. It's life's chutes and ladders, but I wonder whether they hit neurodivergent people harder in general (aren’t we more susceptible to PTSD?).
Something always knocks me off track and it could be something or just... that day... I've just accepted that "staying on track" is just not going to happen but I try to stay on more than off, and I can do that most of the time. it's still hard though.
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain, so hard...nice to know someone understands
I have been teaching myself to relax my mind and body and not to jump up and do because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. That only lead to burn out. This way, I forget things and get things mixed up, but I feel so much better, less anxious. Maybe more hungry because I didn’t plan anything but at least less anxious. 😬
Very tragic times hit ALL types of people in very traumatic ways. Life is hard for everyone, no one can escape. Tragedy can strike nuerotypicals to and they can be just as damaged by trauma as anyone else. God can get us through.
Thank you. I felt that so hard I'm crying. I'm a Millennial, and have pretty much always lived with my parents. Now it's just my da, 72, and also terrified. At the same time I feel terrible that so much lands on his shoulders when he's got the same diagnoses plus deserving of an easy retirement. My mom looked after us both, and I'm pretty sure she was similarly ND based on things she said. She also reached a point where she stopped working and ran the household. Nobody appreciates that EVERY household benefits from having one person whose 'job' is to keep it running. I've thought about a virtual assistant but how do you hire someone to order groceries, make sure the medical claims get filed, AND insist you go shower? I think living in groups (pods?) may be the way to go. Everybody needs their own space with communal areas where you can opt to join a meal or contribute your WiFi-fixing skills or whatever. Thanks got posting this. I feel a bit less singular, and more determined to find a way of living that DOESN'T cause me to burn out over and over. ❤
Thank you for sharing this - I want the same!
I've tried to explain that to my therapist as well as myself. Many thanks for the words I want to say but couldn't find. 🤗 When my friend moved in, 8 years ago, my refrigerator was full of McDonalds bags with half eaten sausage McMuffins, no actual food. Without them I literally wouldn't survive long. I was a single parent for 11 years and managed exceptionally well. When my son moved away for university I began losing executive function.
❤yes
I am so glad you have some support ❤🤗
Zero support 🙃🥺
I've noticed too I can do it for someone else, like my little niece, but its hard or near impossible when I am on my own.
@aubreyleonae4108
It's heartbreaking how few therapists who understand neurodivergent people there are. And how few medical professionals (all types) that understand anything at all about it... & they're actually unknowingly causing #medicaltrauma
Yes, never knowing from day to day what I'll be able to do, how long it will take to do the basics!! And little external things that I wasn't expecting, throw me. I really needed to hear this.
❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
I’ve spent so much of my life being given labels like ‘lazy’, ‘woolly minded’, ‘indecisive’. And I internalised a lot of those labels, thinking that they must be the explanation for why I wasn’t doing what other people did. But as a late-diagnosed AuDHDer (first dx five years ago, at 52), I now realise that I just struggle (a lot of the time) with things that neurotypical people find they can do on autopilot. My ‘low support needs’ aren’t ‘no support needs’, and occasionally they’re pretty ‘high support needs’. In most cases, they’re unmet needs. 😔 I’m glad you have your mother’s support at the moment, though I can understand your concern about what will happen when she can’t support you any longer. *hugs offered*
Yes! Very much relate. And thank you ❤️🤗
I know hiring help is never cheep, but having a cleaner come every other week for 2 or 3 hours, ESPECIALLY if you use it to body double, can make a HUGE difference.
I'm really sorry for what I feel like is a very silly question but... How do you use it to body double? Like, do you have them clean some things and then you clean others...? Don't they feel weird about that?
I have no idea, I've never had a cleaner, it just seems like it might be a social faux pas somehow, but I can't really explain why I worry that
edit - to clarify, I have often thought about hiring someone to help once a month with really big tasks, but I worried that I would cause myself so much stress cleaning for the cleaners and that I didn't know *at all* how to behave while they were cleaning (do I do other tasks?! how do I make sure I'm available but not underfoot?? do I stay here or leave entirely?? how would I ever be okay with having a *stranger* cleaning my home?!) - the idea of using it to body double in some way is very appealing
@marleysoluna
Body doubling is when you have a friend come over when you need to clean or organize something. They may either help you clean/organize or just keep you company while you do those things. I suppose the same thing can happen if you hire someone to come clean.
You shed a lot of light on my experience and my mother's. She is brilliant and I believe undiagnosed. She would always beat herself up for not being able to consistently stay employed. For a long time as a child i thought she was just a looser. Then when I went through the same stuff as an adult I thought i was a faluire and a looser. I felt a lot of shame. Now I can understand both of us better. ❤ thank you 😊
It's a tough journey. I relate to a lot of what you said. ❤️🤗
Yep, totally relatable. It's like the allegory (parable?) of the blind men and the elephant - the day's tasks are the elephant and we're only ever able to deal with one small, isolated part at a time - and, in moving from one part to another, the "big picture" just doesn't ever come together for us.
@Hermitthecog
Yes, that's my elephant! And yes, that's mud all over her leg... don't worry about it. 🙃 ... 😏
Yes! Thank you for covering this! If only there was a way to predict what kind of a day the next day will be. Some nights I can go to bed with no problem, other nights I can't shut my brain off! And when I expeirence stress, I can only do what is absolutely necessary!
I have trouble with shutting my brain off. I don’t like medicine, so I listen to Seinfeld every night and fall asleep within minutes. Disclaimer: It may not be the healthiest thing to do, but it helps me sleep.
Wow, I cannot believe how alike we are! I am also 52 and I had to move back in with my mom a couple times, most recently I was living with my mom up until about 8 years ago. My mom is the same age as yours and she still gives me food all the time and buys me things and offers to drive me places if the roads are too bad, etc. I try not to rely on her because I know she won't be around forever but I would have been homeless without her. So I totally get it!
I wish we could also live in a little city of just autistic people, of course where we would each have our own separate private areas but where we could also have a community kitchen with group meals and people could cook for us if we can't cook, and there could be somebody that comes around and cleans for us, that's my big thing that I can't do, there are parts of my place that I have not cleaned in 2 years.
This is my experience, and I also have what is essentially "chronic fatigue" on top of it. And I don't have anyone to help. I would be living in my car if my family wasn't helping me financially...and honestly that would probably take me out.
Look into if there are any subsidized housing options in your area. I did & my apartment is tiny, old & leaves a lot to be desired but I can afford it.
*I am glad you have your mother.* I have the same struggle with burnout and moving back to my father's home. Plus I have brain trauma which means I have more support needs but I unfortunately I do not have a supportive family. They don't think I have autism - they think all my issues come from isolating myself.
Oh… oh, dear… 😔
Oh god I'm so sorry you have to deal with that 🥲
50 and just had a doctor agree with me that I've been misdiagnosed over the years and Autism is what has always been there. My husband is my support in so many ways. So thankful.
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed at age 40. My entire life, personal, academic, and professional is one long series of work and shutdowns.
I’m almost exactly like this. This is why I keep getting stuck in controlling relationships. Because that’s the kind of people who are willing to provide the support that I need. Normal people - yes they think I’m not trying hard enough.
I'm in the same situation, I'm just younger! I'll be 28 in a couple weeks and my parents are almost 60 and I am TERRIFIED of what I'll do when they're gone. I live with them now in an apartment-esque situation where I have my own space on the second floor of our house. I can work a part time job but get overwhelmed so quickly, Idk what I'd do without my parents to support me. 😩 Whenever it starts to stress me out I remember that I just gotta trust that God's got a plan for me and cling to that. But it's hard. 😔💜
I just can’t believe how your words could be my own. GenX AuDHDer Sisterhood!💪🏽🙏🏾
Awww yesssss!! ❤🤗
I feel you. I feel this so much.
I also will be 52 very shortly, within a couple of months, and I feel I have had a similar cycle of breaking down for long periods and then coming back.
Trying to dig myself out of the hole right now. Thanks for helping; solidarity goes a long way
Wow thank you for sharing this ❤🤗❤🤗
I’m the same, except twice-exceptional AuDHD-PI (and lefty! Go me! 🥴) and about 10 years younger, and listening to you is helping me understand that I got out of my mother’s house (and back in, and back out, and back in, and back out; realized I should stop having babies! 👶 Love my kids so much, though!) by focusing 100% on SURVIVAL. I prioritize doing whatever keeps everything from falling apart, and by golly, I SURVIVE (and so do my kids)! I married, had my son, divorced, remarried, had my daughter, and am now widowed, and I have a lot of hope for a more stable life going forward! Trying to get a proper autism assessment because it may keep me and my daughter (son is more functional, probably masked ASD-1 w/o the ADHD but did pick up a pretty high IQ!) off the streets and in food and medicine! This is how I have to think about life; survival, survival, always survival. It’s getting a little better all the time, though! 😊👍❤️
I relate to this video so strongly. I really appreciate you taking the time to share this, I understand how hard it is to open up to “safe people” let alone the Internet. It’s the inconsistency for me. It’s been there my whole life. It’s very much a struggle. I’ve been told my whole life “all you have to do is be consistent!” And in the back of my mind I’m going “that’s like asking me to [insert nearly impossible thing here]” I really wish I had an answer for how to make it better. But having support is so helpful!
I wish that too ❤🤗❤🤗 And yes it is ❤🤗
I’ve been officially diagnosed with PTSD and Social Anxiety but I truly suspect I’m autistic. What you’re describing completely describes my entire existence. Some days I can focus in and get a week of work done in a day. And sometimes I crash and cant do much more than scroll my phone, and there isn’t even anything pleasurable about the scrolling. It sucks to get stuck. And it sucks to burn out over and over and over and over
Everything you said❤
"It aint easy being me"..WORD!❤
❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain 🥰
Thank you for sharing your struggles...I can really relate and last year I finally started making adjustments to ask for help in different ways and it has really made a difference...my dear friend has more daily needs that I try to assist with because he never knows each day how he is going to feel and it can be a struggle for both of us...thank you for your authentic story and I know as time goes on you will figure things out what is best for you 💗☺️🙏
Thank you ❤️🤗❤️🤗
Another low support AuDHDer here and this has been my experience, except driving is too much for me. I rely on my mom for a lot. I don’t know how I’m going to do it without her. I live on my own and like it, but I still rely on my mom a lot.
I'm totally relate to this .I have to regularly go to live with my mum .I have thought about living in a 'tribe' its always appeals to me .
❤🤗❤🤗
🙂 Happy Birthday! & Thank you! - your videos are helping me ❤ I agree - it's not easy living this kind of life 😠😢 I'm so happy that you have your compassionate Mum ❤ & understand your fears for the future ❤ Love Theresa
Thank you you're very sweet ❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
everything you said, _everything,_ is something I've experienced myself. the cycle of going out into the world only to come back home burnt out has happened to me so many times now. because I'm self diagnosed atm (and unemployed, y'know, because autism) I am constantly treated like a burden at home. I have given up trying to explain why I am the way that I am because unless I have an official diagnosis, my family will simply not accept my autism. I have a lot of complicated emotions about being autistic and there is so much about my autism that I genuinely love, but if I could choose to just be "normal" and be able to work and be independent, I probably would.
Don't be so sure they would accept a diagnosis anyway. Mine don't really. It would mean them facing the way they have thought about me and treated me when all along I had a disability
@@beckymcmanus3367 I've actually considered this and honestly? I'm sure you're right.
I hear you ❤🤗 I don't have an official diagnosis either. My therapist and psychiatrist both agree that I am, and thank god my mom believes me because she's seen it my whole life. But it if wasn't for her I wouldn't have any support. No one else in my family believes me but they don't know me at all.
@@beckymcmanus3367 This is so true ❤🤗
I feel this. Audhd here and late diagnosed, 56yo.
I just appreciate how well you explain things in ways I can’t. Thanks so much.
Btw: I think I heard this in another channel about autism and the person said something like autistic don’t form habits like neurotypical do. So if a neurotypical takes their vitamins everyday at a certain day but something happens on a specific day, they can easily figure out something (e.g., like packing it up in a container and taking it with them and then eating it later). But autistics don’t have habits and it’s a good day if we remember and feel like taking out vitamins that day.
OMG I have a video about that I was going to post soon (it's on my tiktok now) It's really so true. Even the things that are a little easier to do (like making my coffee) every day I do it slightly different because I can't always remember the order of things!
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain exactly that! So ironic. 😆
Anyways, I appreciate your content. Thank you so much for sharing.
"What will I do when she's no longer around" Wow. The exact same thing is in my head 24/7. I rely on my mom in so many ways, and justlooking at neurotypical people my age - its me who is supposed to take care of hernow,notthe other way around. Its shameful, its being a burden every second of yourlife, and just know that as soon as her health takes her away, Im crumbling. My "friends" say that the survival instinct will just kick in and I'll manage, and don't listen when I try to explain why it won't. I guess they just don't want to think about sad things. I understand.
Ugh I get it. People don't understand.
You're so lucky you have a mom. I have no one and I love alone and I can't take it anymore
I'm so sorry I know that's so hard 😢
I'm "low support needs" autistic with ADHD. I have the same issues. I'm retired and live alone. There are 2 events I'm committed to attending 2 days a week. The other activities I want to do I decide on the day whether I feel up to it. I'm lucky because I don't have to do any of these things. I've relaxed, since I know about my diagnoses (2 years ago), about when my kitchen is a mess. I'll get to it tomorrow.
Watching this, I wonder if 2 such people could live with each other and serve as support for each other. I think this would work.
I have been recently diagnosed with ASD, anxiety and depression & also have a type of arthritis that can cause fatigue. I swear on the days I'm not tired & stiff from arthritis, I'm recovering from sensory overload or I'm letting my anxiety & my depression fight each other.
I'm so sorry that sounds so difficult 😥
It’s uncanny. You have described my entire life. Late dx AuDHD woman here (dx @ 50).
I didn't know there was so many with similar experiences ❤️🤗❤️🤗
I’m similar, 43, live with mum aged 77, hoping to have less fatigue sometime now I know more about the stress behind it cos if not then idk. Not worked in five years, I’d love to write fiction as I did when I was younger before repeated burnout, seeing the dreams die to acceptance and letting go is a lot.
I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing this, it's so hard ❤🤗
I got diagnosed with that same double whammy also, back in January of this year. just before turning 30.
As neurodivergent in a different way, I get the issues your are describing. I have some auto pilot stuff, or rather, things that I have established as "no brainers". They just make sense to me. I never have an issue doing them.
Then there are things that I just don't know well how to do. My brain is just still mystified by it, what it is, why it is good for me. It's the mental "shoulds" that aren't yet embodied. I'm learning to recognize them and also, to recognize what happens in me in response.
It takes a lot of time. Because 1: if it's not directly connected to a need it turns into a should and I can't do shoulds anymore. 2: if I don't yet know how to do it, it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm now adopting the point in the distance method. Does this bring me closer to the point, or further away. And I'm learning to feel what my body tells me, and not fighting against it.
And I no longer feel bad for being who I am and where I am. I'm a lovely person. I'm learning to accept me.
Tbh, i think for me a cause is that I haven't been accepted by others, so I also don't accept me. So I don't work with me but against me. And that's why I have executive function issues. People who get accepted, accept themselves and work _with_ themselves. As someone with trauma of not being accepted, this has been a challenge.
I realize that's overly simplistic about others who are supposedly accepted, but I do think I'm on to something here.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain and thank you for posting this. It got me thinking: which part of symptoms is the neurodivergence itself and which part is caused by the stress of not being accepted + the distance we need to cover to deal with a reality that wasn't made with us in mind.
I have no way of knowing of course what it's like for you, as I don't know what it's like living in/with your brain. But for me, I'm actually quite sure it's the stress and lack of personal acceptance due to internalized othering that is causing my issues with taking care of me. I've always been focused on trying to cover the distance, not paying attention to myself. Do you think it could be something that could be true for you, as well?
@@jujubesification Oh of course. I mean you can't really separate them out, because my brain and natural self + trauma, anxiety, etc is now all just living inside of me and this is the result. If I could go back and not have all the extra stress and trauma? Who knows! I may be very different. ❤
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain having dealt with stress and structure and lack thereof, combined with not being aware of my own needs because of my focus on trying to understand others... I think the lack of auto pilot comes from overwhelm for me. I have to think of my feet all the time, I can't just "be myself", so I can't build an auto pilot.
This too shall pass my love, pretty soon what is seen as a deficit will be seen as a precious gift….I promise you…autism is a gift to all of humanity not just the people who have it
@@kimkaragiannis848 autistic AF since 1983
disability is a gift?
Different abilities are not disabilities ….I’m sorry you feel autism is a disability.
@@Nopadope Ability to be dissociated from reality during whole life is practically a disability.
RUclips has finally worked out who I am. This is it. You're me.
Well nice to meet you then!!! 🤗
I’m in a similar position. My housing and situation as a carer could end in a flash if my partner dies and I’ll be expected to find somewhere to live and be fully employed within a few weeks. I feel like I’ll be on the streets or something.
awww I feel this, that is very stressful, I'm so sorry 😢
Thank you for expressing and exposing this. I don't think a lot of people kno and understand and even those of us who are recently diagnosed or self diagnosed are still coming to terms with this being part of how our brain works. So thank you so much for bringing awareness to the experience. So that others can understand and so that we ourselves can understand.
🎯
I have been in that burnout for a very long year when I was 18. As I'm late diagnosed like you, I didn't know that my AuDHD and trauma was the culprit and I was medicated for depression with Prozac. It helped eventually stabilise me. I would never want to return to that state again as an adult. I'll be 50 this year and have lived on my own (and later, with my partner) since I was 23. I can't imagine the level of frustration and fear that you're experiencing with these cycles, but I know that it's real. If nothing else, the community you're in knows that it's real and that it is very much a part of how your brain is wired. I hope you can seek out some resources locally and maybe get involved with a group that can offer services. Is AuDHD recognised as a disability where you are?
To whoever sees this, what are the indications from being a child that sealed the deal for being autistic?
I’m asking because I believe that I am autistic and ADHD and so did the psychologist who said that I have autistic characteristics and mannerisms. Until I gave them my eight or so page report about why I think I’m autistic and they said well you have the characteristics and mannerisms, but it doesn’t seem to have begun when you were young so you can’t be .
So when I was young, what characteristics are mannerisms or whatever was I supposed to have presented of which myself and my 85-year-old mother did not seem to remember?
I keep thinking that possibly I was presenting whatever these things are but that they just went unnoticed and un remembered since I wouldn’t have known, they were different in the first place. I believe that my dad and my brother were neurodivergent. They both died in 75 and 96. And my mom has mood disorder
Except for when I was a teenager, I’ve never held down a job for more than three months due to burn out. And that was only a few times.
I did keep a job for 18 months, which was four hours a day a few days a week in cubicles reading a script and I quit that job after I realized one day how uncomfortable I was there. I always thought I was fine until one day I felt like I was going to freak out and I gave my two weeks notice, I had no idea how uncomfortable I was until it surfaced.
I had one job after that where I was “babysitting“ a young autistic man. We would do things throughout the day. He was nonverbal, but we seem to have perfect communication and I connected with him more than I did with All my fellow workers who I felt at odds with as they were obviously allistic and I wasn’t able to truly connect with them.
🙄😞 I turned 60 a few days ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I have nearly zero memories from childhood and there are some places you can still get a diagnosis because they are learning that it looks different in young girls than boys. I'm sorry you were told that and had a hard time. I very much relate. I hope someone else sees this and can answer your question better. I can tell you that you sound autistic to me based on everything you've said. ❤🤗
Speech delay is a big one. Delays in things like walking and toilet training, too. Hand-flapping/finger wiggling/jumping up and down/spinning when “excited” an unusual amount/past the age it might be occasionally expected. Covering ears to normal, everyday sounds/being very “picky” about eating/not wanting to wear clothing into school age/always wanting to wear sunglasses, even indoors. Playing with toys in unusual ways; sorting them, lining them up, building structures with them, repeatedly filling and dumping, instead of engaging in pretend social play. “Temper tantrums” well past the usual age, or being “too sensitive”. Getting along better with much older or younger children than kids about your own age. Poor school performance in spite of having “a lot of potential” if only you could “apply yourself”. Those are what come to my mind; I’m sure there are others.
Thx for sharing your life
Autism chrysalis (the RUclipsr) has great great videos on autistic burnout!
How long have you known you were autmazing?
I lost my mom when I was 21, it’s hard without a mom, I had to look deeply into how I do things to make everything as Lightful
I am happy to know you produce such great material too, I look forward to your development! May you be well
Thank you! I realized I was autistic just about 2 years ago ❤
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain me it’s 18 months!!! I’m doing loads better with my noise cancellers and being kind of myself, I’m literally doing the best I can
@@kuibeiguahua ❤🤗🤗❤
Been screaming this for years. No human is meant to live on their own and do every single thing for themselves. Its not how we evolved and its extractive capitalism that makes us think otherwise. I am planning to move out of the US and I am scared about not having access to services that can do support tasks like grubhub, instacart, and others for when I am too burnt out etc to get my own groceries or do other tasks.
I feel the same as adhd person. I still don’t know what to do with it as an adult and in a disconnected solo survivor society.
same. I wish I could fix it.
I only work 3 days a week. The chances of shutting down are reduced massively. The chances of it being a workday are really low now. I've lost work through meltdowns. I used to be freelance and good at it, so I'd still get the work but big breaks between contracts, which helped. That stopped that due to physical issues. The "down" days are never planned, they just happen. I try and build in rest days, it helps, but sometimes they just happen. Plans out the window.
I try and incorporate tasks into a routine so they become auto pilot, but it can't incorporate everything.
The tribe idea for AuDHD is interesting but can we be that sociable?
Thank you for this! I'm glad you found something that works better! And no I don't think we're that sociable lol, my vision is some kind of apartment complex situation, basically just we have our own space but we're not alone. But I don't know how to do it, it's just a wish. Maybe someday.
same
I am wondering what is the spiritual meaning of being in this world for us.
Aren't there organizations or communities for autistic people where you can socialize, exchange experiences and advice with others, or even find a partner.
🖖🌻🙏💞
You sound like me
❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️🤗
Thank you for saying all of this so confidently and clearly. I relate to so much of this. I feel SO MUCH shame about all of it. Even my terror about my parents dying. Like I’m 41 I should be able to freakin manage by now 😫
I think about my brother. He’ll be devastated, but he’ll take some time off work, fly in, sign some papers, go through some stuff and get back to his life. He’ll grieve deeply but with the back drop of his “own” life, if that makes sense. It won’t be every aspect of his life affected.
Anyway thank you for saying out loud what I cannot. I feel so much less alone. And thank goodness for your comment section!! What a great crowd you’ve gathered. 🩵
I understand the shame so much ❤🤗. And yes there are some very validating people here ❤🤗
I sometimes wonder if "low support needs" = has figured out how to mask very well. That may be just my situation tho.
I guess I think of "high support needs" as can't put on pants, make food, drive, do much by yourself, etc. So in comparison to that, I have "low support needs" and I am pretty unmasked with my autistic & adhd traits. But compared to a person who is consistent and can do the things and support themselves, etc. I'm high support needs, and most of us are. ❤️
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain oh I can do all those daily tasks but if I've been subjected to a lot social interaction or noises my words disappear & I become forgetful and clumsy. I also become more intolerant of certain textures in clothing & food....it's very odd how too much peopling will ruin me.
@@myimperfectlife2023 OMG Same!
This is like looking in a damn mirror
+++
But do you really have a need of doing these routines, or do you just think you need them? Why so reluctant to look for some changes?
You body talks to you.
You have no idea how much I've tried to look for changes. NO IDEA. "try harder" is not the answer and this is just the kind of thing that makes these shares difficult. You don't HEAR me, you say "you should try something different." I've tried and tried more than you'll ever be able to fathom.
@@TheMusingsOfMyAuDHDBrain "Changes" mean the opposite of "tyring harder" from my words.
It all looks like you are just being busy with more stuff than the really needed, sorry if I am misinterpretating.
Whatever brings burnout to me is a NO-NO
@@anon.decoding_cardIt seems like you are trying to say something like what I said; the way to survive is to focus on SURVIVAL, not doing everything “right”. Did you know carpets can go months without be vacuumed? Windows don’t actually need washed? A lot of clothes can just be worn out of baskets without ever being put away? There is no need to “volunteer” for ANYTHING? It is okay to eat soup out of cans and not brush your teeth 3 days in a row? And there are these wonderful things called “pill minders” you can fill up every, say, Sunday morning and be good to go for the week, knowing whether you took your pills or not? Bottled water is 100% acceptable. You can skip showering for a day if you don’t have people to impress tomorrow. Also, washing can be done in segments; face and hair in the sink, hands in any sink anywhere, armpits with a washcloth, feet in a footbath, privates with baby wipes; if doing it all at once is overwhelming. Lots of tricks to survive! 😮💨
... No it ain't.
What "ain't"?