To Mr.Purple….I have been married to an autistic women for 22 years. We just figured it out (her autism/ADHD and my ADHD/Dyslexia about a year ago. We have made many changes in understanding and behavior in our relationship because of the learning gained from this channel. Your contribution is invaluable to me. To hear the other side and see your responses is so appreciated. Thank you. You feel like a compadre!
Thank you both. My husband recently had a late diagnosis with autism (aged 49) so we have both been doing a lot of research but noticed a lack of information on relationships. After watching your previous video and now this one knowing that we are not the only couple going through these struggles has helped so much. It’s really early days for us and I think we’ve already come along way. Please continue what you are doing, if it’s helping us I’m sure it must be helping others. Love your honesty ❤
I was in a brief relationship with a girl who later was diagnosed with autism, anxiety and ADHD. She, like you was a very big personality, very creative, imaginative, talkative and hyper, but extremely emotional and very feisty and fiery. It would always seem like we were getting into arguments over seemingly nothing. I had no idea why we were since nothing externally seemed to be going wrong. I became confused since I don’t get into arguments with other people, and eventually paranoid that I was doing something wrong or being rude without realising to the point we were always walking on eggshells. Like Mr Purple said, there would be days or weeks at a time with these strings of arguments or tension between us yet I still had no clue how we got to that point since nothing externally had gone wrong or it had only started with a very small trigger that she had blown out of proportion. Sometimes a few days later she would apologise and say it was her fault and that she felt bad and I would forgive her and be relieved, thinking it was the end of that, but then she would start another argument again soon after and we would be back on the emotional rollercoaster. It was scary and exhausting. Now, thanks to your channel and your videos with Mr Purple I can understand that she was having meltdowns and whenever these strings of tension or arguments started, they were just the result of a small trigger or inconvenience that tipped her over the edge from an already overloaded state due to things going on in her life that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I now realise why trying to reason with logic and point out the flaws in her arguments and attacks at me were completely useless and just provoked things further, and that the best thing to do was to just take a step back, not take it personally and let her calm down.
So nice to see someone my senior do a video like this! I’m an autistic woman (24)and my male partner (26) has inattentive adhd. We are also both ‘gifted’. We have been together for 3,5 years and both got diagnosed a little over a year ago. It’s so heartwarming to see you talk about how you’ve grown together.
My hubby is a late diagnosed person, I am finding this very helpful to begin to understand how to be helpful to him. I am enjoying this and will watch more.
Mr. Purple's facial expressions when you said 'happy, regular, angry/annoyed' made me laugh. Had a bad day today and Mr. Purple really cheered me up, so thank you.
Thank you both for sharing. I'm starting to think that I'm on the spectrum, and that there is no "cure" for this. So many things you said resonate with me.
This was REALLY interesting!!! Going to show this to my husband and see if it helps out situation.😄 I'm not diagnosed, but I'm starting to suspect I have Autism as there are so many similarities here!! Going to watch part 2 now.
I can so relate to what you mentioned about reading his normal facial expression as being annoyed and angry. I realized recently I’ve been doing this to my so and my son. I keep asking them what’s wrong and they tell me nothing. I’m not sure how to not think they are upset or angry in the moment, even though I’ve come to this conclusion…
I love hearing another partnership that is similar to mine, it really helps . I feel less alone with it all . The thing about guilt is so true and I didn't know that anyone else experienced that in exactly the same way I do . (It made me emotional 🥲) I am getting married to my non autistic partner next year 💍👰🏼
I love seeing vids like this explaining neurodivergent relationships. I’m sharing this with my hubby. It helps having examples and other perspectives. These vids are priceless to me ❤
The specific strategies and examples are incredibly validating and inspiring. ❤️ I especially love the growth-mindset. We aren't perfect, but we are always getting better! I am cheering you both on for continued growth, as much as I am cheering myself on 😁
Thank you so much for this, I am 37 and have not been officially diagnosed but pretty sure I have both ADHD and autism (I'm also Hypermoble (like 9/9 Beighton Scale and thus want to be seen by a doctor to see whether it's more than that and maybe hEDS) and have POTS) and I only figured all this out about 18 months ago. I married my husband when I was 20 and you are explaining our marriage, from the way I react thinking he's angry at me (the RSD is strong in me) and being completely dependent on him, to him telling me what he's thinking and feeling more often these days and helping me in a productive way when I'm melting down. The things that he does that has definitely helped with the meltdowns is when he sees it coming on everything goes fluffy, by which I mean he makes me good, healthy food (like a giant bowl of my favorite fruits and most definitely tea usually oolong), either does it himself or helps me make a nest out of our queen size bed (with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals) and floods the house with some of my favorite Ambiance tracks (lately from the games Stray and Elden Ring) and he acts like a fool to get me to laugh (it usually works) it's been very good at calming me down. Very much look forward to part 2.
Thank you both. This is very straightforward and helpful. My husband and I are both autistic. He found out about his when his mom decided to tell him when he was 35 and set to marry me, a-at the time-single mom of 3, two on the spectrum.I came to finally recognize mine only a few years ago when I looked honestly at my kids' testing through my own experience. Coming together through these things, as well as a lot of separate traumas too numerous to list here, has not been easy, to say the least. We have been together 10 years now and are still figuring out how to come together and understand one another. You give me a lot to think about and a lot I hope I can share with my husband. On to part two....
"I can still be happy and okay when you're not happy and okay." MINDBLOWING. How is something so obvious also something that has never occurred to me? I don't have a significant other, but I think this can equally apply to close platonic or family relationships. I can see using a lot of these strategies with my dad.
Omg, I've got the "assuming my partner is upset with me" problem when she's acting slightly differently. I think it's because of past trauma, like you said, as well as not interpreting face expressions well, despite me noticing a change in her face expression We reached the same conclusion you did, with her telling me to assume she's not upset with me 😂
I am also leaving a comment mid video and what i have seen so far is amazing. thank you both for your honesty and talking about the positive and negative. It is lovely to see such a committed couple who love each other unconditionally and admit they both have struggled. So refreshing to see. Nice to see Mr Purple too, I hope I can find a 'Mr Purple' one day xx
About four years ago when I was 21 I found out I’m autistic and I’ve always known something was different my adhd didn’t quite fit the puzzle neither did my social anxiety I’m just glad I understand what I have instead of just adhd my husband is ADD and that’s it but he’s had a hard time with my melt downs and took it personally as but now he is starting to learn as I am too learning more and more about my autism I have more shut downs then melt downs
This is an amazing description of our evolution in processing learning about normal arguments and meltdowns. Thank you so much for the courage and willingness to reveal your marriage workings. It gives permission and allowance for what relationships actually look like. As always you nailed the essence of understanding another important nuance of being nuro divergent.
I want to thank you for this information my husband has autism we get through his melt downs I love him and want to be able to help him God bless ya'll
This is so helpful. There are several things that Mr Purple has said here that my husband has also said, almost word for word. Hearing that echoed here helps it go in, as it were. My partner is also a little older than me and we did start our relationship when I was quite young (and living in a new country by myself for the first time) so we have absolutely also had a struggle with the dynamic of me building my emotional framework around his and only now learning what a bit more independence can look like for me. I hadn't known that this wasn't uncommon! So I appreciate that you both highlighted that. Thank you!
So extremely helpful. Thank you. Mr. Purple reminds me of my husband and Purple Ella reminds me of me. Lots of good insight and light bulb moments. You helped put words to things I didn't have words for. Thank you to both of you.
Im not exactly the avid youtube commentator, however this entire page has help my understanding of my own situation tremendously. After hearing and seeing your testimony’s I felt the sudden urge to just say thank you, sincerely. Your videos are much appreciated!
Purple Ella, you rock star you! Thanks to you & Mr Purple, hard subject to cover publicly, but hugely useful for so many people. Gotta say though, as soon as you said 'I can be very loud, and very shouty" I dissolved with laughter. I'm going to try showing this to my long-suffering partner. Even if she doesn't gain much from the rest of the video (which I'm fairly confident that she will), that statement alone will bring laughter and happiness. I am, as far as I am aware, one of the loudest people... anywhere. Always wanted to meet Brian Blessed, see which one of us is louder. That's.. before a meltdown. During one, I can set off earthquake sensors in the next country over. 😝
I hate when I leave a comment mid-video so that I don't forget what I want to say, and then I need to follow-up that comment with another comment. And now I'm here explaining this so people don't think I'm nuts, even though I'm 99% sure the only person who is giving this any deep thought is me. Lol. Autism. 😅 I just want to add that I'm very grateful to Mr. Purple and find it interesting that he is playing a similar role to my partner. In fact, he said many things my partner says, which is why I've now made a note to watch this with my partner later. I've found that it's definitely better to try and make plans for arguments before they happen than while they're happening. My brain switches into problem-solving mode where I'm trying to argue, fix the argument, and fix the way we fight all at the same time. And, I'm unwittingly make it so I'm even more overwhelmed and less able to handle the situation. Frankly, it's very helpful to hear two people talk about how they problem solve meltdowns. Obviously, there's no perfect answer for every situation. But, it certainly motivates me to search for new solutions. And I feel, of course, so similarly to Ella and want my partner to feel respected and heard. And she does often push her own issues under the rug because she knows I'm overwhelmed. So, thanks to both of you for being honest. It's clear you've both put a lot of effort into your relationship. I think that's beautiful and humbling.
The start of your comment made me giggle as I do the exact same thing 😂 Like you say, we’re probably the only ones putting that much thought into it! Your comment resonates deeply 😊
CTHULHU and WarmandPugly there are at least three of us! This was a really hard video not to comment on at 17 intervals. And I am grateful that I am not the only one who writes in paragraphs! I had to edit out 90% of what I wrote, or it would have crashed the Internet. 😂
You and Mr Purple share so openly💜💜💜 Yes, this helps...👍😁💪... just having Mr Purple share what his care is for getting the two of you through as a solid love is just beautiful. My favorite was that he will tell you if he is upset or not doing well... there is such guilt for meltdowns that are already so hard to go through as the ND... to have acceptance and understanding given is a reality that is rare. And gives us hope and a great model for other relationships to endure 👍😁👍 Love ypur stuff... keep up the great work💜😁💜
This is one of the best videos I’ve ever seen on autism and marriage. Thank you both so much for sharing your personal struggles and victories. To see another couple dealing with similar things that my husband and I deal with brought me to tears halfway through the video. You have given me some very helpful tools that I will definitely try and use in my relationship with my husband. Thank you again for sharing. ❤
Thank you for this video, I've been putting off watching it because i get distracted easily (got diagnosed in september with adhd and autism). This was perfect timing though. Yes it's 12 am, but i've been struggling in my relationship for awhile now ( had a severe emotional overload tonight along with many other nights, and feel like i'm at my breaking point), since I was just diagnosed so recently, I've always felt like something was wrong with me, like i'm to needy or clingy (from an objective perspective though, it's in fact the opposite, im always trying to give and nurture and often forget about my needs) but even before, and now after the diagnosis's, i try to communicate where i see the relationship struggling, and how it's affecting me, then ask how it's affecting my partner. But everytime I feel pushed to the side in a way, because my partner never thinks anything is wrong/they don't feel affected by anything. So basically I feel as if I try to cry for help but ultimately nothing changes :/ The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of communication in ways that make me feel extremely anxious/suspicious. Without my partner willing to let me know things before hand (ex: if they can't hang out/change our plans, or doesn't call when they said they would) It just shatters my heart in so many ways :( Didn't mean to blabber, I'm just watching videos to help me get the courage for the change i feel coming, for my own sanity, mental health, and needs. ( thanks to you guys❤) I know this probably seems like oversharing, I just have to get it out, like a journal entry or something. I hope someone can relate
Thank you so much for sharing your lives with us. 💜 I am an NT and my partner was just diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and everything you've shared is so very similar to everything we've experienced. We were actually married, separated, divorced, back together, separated and back together so many times I've lost count. After his diagnosis the weight that has been taken off of my shoulders is immense. I could go on and on about the understanding we now have over all of our break-ups but, I'm sure you understand 💜 Our relationship is now on a path of understanding instead of destruction. Thank you so much for teaching me ways to see his perspective so we can now grow in this loving relationship 💜💜💜 I wish you and Mr. Purple all the best 💜💜💜 (also, purple happens to be my favorite color 💜😁)
This was so helpful and applicable to most types of relationships! When I was first diagnosed I expected that everyone should meet my needs but I’ve since realised it’s about working together like you described here :)
Hi Ella, I've been watching your videos over the past year now. We were going through the Autism evaluation process for my 9/10 year old daughter. I find your videos especially helpful. My daughter is the spitting image of me so most of the time I can use my own experience to relate to what she's going through and demonstrate techniques that have worked in the past for me. I am not officially diagnosed but it was recommended by the doctor who did her evaluation that I seek my own. I don't think I can handle the stress it was so overwhelming just getting her diagnosis. I will accept the fact that I am most likely autistic because as I said we are almost identical but I have ADHD which makes myself a little more complicated. This video was amazing because it touches base on a lot of the relationship aspects between my autistic daughter and my middle child who definitely has undiagnosed ADHD. I'm going to play this for both of them later when they get home from school. Thank you so much for all of the time you put into these videos! I appreciate it greatly💜
I think this is really useful and look forward to the next one! I think mr purple comes across really well and he seems like such a kind caring person! X
I love to see your communication, you two have it together more than a lot of people. Thank you for sharing how you support yourselves and each other, you are really helping others.
Brilliant video, thankyou. I like how you came to the conclusion that instead of asking your partner 'whats wrong?' - asking them alternatively - 'how are you?' or 'what's going on with you?' just works so well for both of you. Very helpful.
This is very helpful for me. I have the same problem of reading my husband's face and lack of talking. Sometimes it's just the lack of him connecting with me.
Hello, Purples, First, I'll start with, Thank You! My fiance and I have been on a journey in our time together, figuring out how to live with Autism. We really appreciate your video. I myself have not been diagnosed, but my fiance and her therapist seem to think I am, however, as of now, my fiance is the only one diagnosed Autistic. Anyway, as you can guess, we have had some struggles. So, thank you for providing some perspective from positions like ours. Mr. Purple, I appreciate your POV, as it helps me see there are others going through the same thing I go through. Thank you both so much!
Thank you both so much for being vulnerable and offering so many useful insights. I want you to know how appreciated it is and how much it helps. I’m late diagnosed autistic and will be sharing this with my partner. Thank you so much again to you both for all you do
I really appreciate your videos! I find so many other approaches to this topic focus on the NT partner adapting to and understanding the ND partner. A relationship is a two-way street and understanding how to be supported while also supporting an NT partner is key!
There was so much I could relate to which left me quite overwhelmed and out of words, but I still wanted to comment: Hearing another couple struggling in the same kind of way, as my bf and I have been struggling ever since we moved together, made me feel less alone and more hopeful for our future together. Thank you 💜🦦
Yes. Please thank Mr. P. It’s Very Helpful to hear both perspectives. And the joint interaction. Being the NT it’s helpful to see the dynamics/hear what you have tried and from what approaches which help create progress.Thank you Mr P, for offering input when it isn’t in your comfort zone to do so. And for your commitments to Ella and your family to lovingly work through the hard parts.
Great video. I also wanna understand how double neurodivergent relationships can struggle without diagnosis (self or official). Two people heavy masking to eachother.... when they don't need to but don't know that. Or even know what masking is.
I'm totally going to try cute animal videos! Heck, I'll try anything that will keep me from exploding at the people I love. I'm interested to see if this will lessen the feeling of ever increasing anxiety.
My son was diagnosed in Kindergarten so I’ve been dealing for 17 years but wanted to hear some updates for Autism/ADHD. 1 hr later...I’m 99.9% sure that I actually have Autism as I’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m dumbfounded by everything you just said because it’s me to a T! OMG I can’t have Autism @ 48 right I mean you don’t just catch it later in life, right? It really would explain so much though! Well, I’m a new sub and I really appreciate you both opening up about something so personal but know you’re helping so many people! Do you have a video about what to do after you find out you’re old AF and how did I not know all this time? lol I’m absolutely stunned!!! Thank you again!
I’m 48 as well and never got officially diagnosed. It wasn’t until last year when my mother and I were talking about my second cousin who is nonverbal and obviously autistic. She said I had similar tendencies growing up. I then thought about all my experiences and started researching. I completely believe I am on the spectrum. It explains everything. Whether you get a diagnosis or not, you have lived this long and are capable.
Thank you both so much for being so open, I watched this crying because I related so much. I’m currently going through the diagnosis process aged 51 ( and yesterday was diagnosed with hyper mobile joints so in a lot of pain ) and despite being married for nearly 27 years I am convinced my husband is going to leave me because he didn’t sign up for this ( authentic) version of me and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I related so much to your experience in secondary school as I was badly bullied too and have been convinced all my life unless people have clown grins on they hate me or I have somehow upset them as I can’t read faces very well. I’m not sure my husband will be as willing as Mr Purple to try and understand and help but thank you for making me feel less alone and weird it really helps knowing other peoples heads work like mine ..even if mine does seem exceptionally good at catastrophising everything.
Thank you SO MUCH. When you got to the part about giving your spouse suggestions, and then they don't work, I just went "YES!!" I'd learned about the link between learned helplessness and depression, and I feel like that my "do this" phase, which arose too much out of a close-to-meltdown state, and created issues that I'm still trying to emerge from, pushed her that way. Both of us, really; my downward spiral of more frequent meltdowns, and my inability to control myself, sent me into full-blown MDD. We didn't know what was happening to me either, and you are also so right that knowing is very helpful but not a magic cure. I do RSD too, and that's a big struggle. (I can get triggered my my wife smiling! Sigh.) I have recently realized that some of my feelings of "you're upset with me" are a hint to my own state...I'm not great at reading other's emotions, so my default is assuming that whatever I'm feeling is what the other person is feeling. And of course my amygdala is always looking for where the danger is, and it convinces me it must be there somewhere. I am now at least able to understand that I am "in that place." Your RSD video was one of the few places we got strategies that help ("let me know if you're not in a good space, but it's not about me"). So thank you again! 61, likely autistic and ADHD (edited; I typed autistic and ASD at first, I tend to transpose words and terms), but as yet still undiagnosed...but you have had many videos that describe my life.
We got my daughter a support dog for her autism during lockdown but it's been a double blessing she not only relaxes my daughter but relaxes me and because she's like a baby to me or my daughter I noticed if either or my daughter are getting in a bad mood with my partner he will go make a big fuss of our dog or do something cute with her which immediately distracts us from whatever was upsetting or overwhelming us. I'm alot calmer person since we had the support dog and the only thing that gets my daughter out of a full blown meltdown. Now if I can just train the man like the dog was trained 🙄
Thank you SO SO much for making this video. I can very much relate to what you are saying but never thought about it like this myself so this is a big help!!
Thank you very much, this video is very helpful! Will the second part include how you deal with executive function challenges and autistic burnout in a relationship? Don't know if you have these kinds of challenges, but I'm very interested in this topic.
What a great video on relationship struggles of an ND/NT couple. Thanks for your openness, that was really helpful! The first 5-10 minutes I was wondering if something was going on with Mr Purple as he looked so serious 😅. I wouldn't say that this not sharing emotions is only a "man cave" thing. My husband is extremely emotional and emphatic and can share his thoughts and emotions well. But often, he keeps his issues back to protect me. Which only works a bit, because then he sometimes can explode on things that are absolutely minor or he does support me but leaves me with a feeling of not being appreciated... It's really helpful, it the spouse is communicating in a clear way that he still loves you and that the struggles are actually X, Y, Z. And yes, in a meltdown, this list is neverending, and yes, it's helpful if the spouse recognise this and knows how to guide one out.
PS love your earrings and jumper! It would be great to see a video on your style / why you love colours as I'm the same. I feel under-stimulated by 'ordinary' fashion and muted colours so I like to wear lots of vibrant colour to stimulate me. Are you the same? Make a video on this if so :)
Also so much of this resonates with me. I'm diagnosed with adhd and I have meltdowns, my husband is super super supportive but they push him to his absolute limit, so we've gotta give credit to our beautiful men.
My meltdown rule is don't poke or pressure the crying person. No one follows it, they see the autistic person imploding from stress and try to enforce dominance. It makes everything ten times worse, I'm very clear with them that this is not a me problem.
I wonder how Mr Purple gets his own emotional needs met ? Perhaps he has his own family members or friends to turn to ? It can be tiring when relationships seem to be one way traffic,even if it is not intentional on the AS partners side
Mr Purple gets his needs met. This video was focussed on the autism/ADHD needs related aspect of our relationship - not the entire working dynamic. Just as I care for my children I also care for him. Hope that clears things up for you.
To Mr.Purple….I have been married to an autistic women for 22 years. We just figured it out (her autism/ADHD and my ADHD/Dyslexia about a year ago. We have made many changes in understanding and behavior in our relationship because of the learning gained from this channel. Your contribution is invaluable to me. To hear the other side and see your responses is so appreciated. Thank you. You feel like a compadre!
Thank you both. My husband recently had a late diagnosis with autism (aged 49) so we have both been doing a lot of research but noticed a lack of information on relationships. After watching your previous video and now this one knowing that we are not the only couple going through these struggles has helped so much. It’s really early days for us and I think we’ve already come along way. Please continue what you are doing, if it’s helping us I’m sure it must be helping others. Love your honesty ❤
I was in a brief relationship with a girl who later was diagnosed with autism, anxiety and ADHD. She, like you was a very big personality, very creative, imaginative, talkative and hyper, but extremely emotional and very feisty and fiery.
It would always seem like we were getting into arguments over seemingly nothing. I had no idea why we were since nothing externally seemed to be going wrong. I became confused since I don’t get into arguments with other people, and eventually paranoid that I was doing something wrong or being rude without realising to the point we were always walking on eggshells.
Like Mr Purple said, there would be days or weeks at a time with these strings of arguments or tension between us yet I still had no clue how we got to that point since nothing externally had gone wrong or it had only started with a very small trigger that she had blown out of proportion.
Sometimes a few days later she would apologise and say it was her fault and that she felt bad and I would forgive her and be relieved, thinking it was the end of that, but then she would start another argument again soon after and we would be back on the emotional rollercoaster. It was scary and exhausting.
Now, thanks to your channel and your videos with Mr Purple I can understand that she was having meltdowns and whenever these strings of tension or arguments started, they were just the result of a small trigger or inconvenience that tipped her over the edge from an already overloaded state due to things going on in her life that had absolutely nothing to do with me.
I now realise why trying to reason with logic and point out the flaws in her arguments and attacks at me were completely useless and just provoked things further, and that the best thing to do was to just take a step back, not take it personally and let her calm down.
Phew that is well described.
So nice to see someone my senior do a video like this! I’m an autistic woman (24)and my male partner (26) has inattentive adhd. We are also both ‘gifted’. We have been together for 3,5 years and both got diagnosed a little over a year ago. It’s so heartwarming to see you talk about how you’ve grown together.
I really appreciate this video; as a husband of a wife who was diagnosed late with autism. This is very encouraging.
Thank you Mr. Purple!
This video shows how honesty there is in your relationship. You are working together in a very touching manner.
My hubby is a late diagnosed person, I am finding this very helpful to begin to understand how to be helpful to him. I am enjoying this and will watch more.
I’m autistic and i swear my dad is also autistic as well
Mr. Purple's facial expressions when you said 'happy, regular, angry/annoyed' made me laugh. Had a bad day today and Mr. Purple really cheered me up, so thank you.
Thank you both for sharing. I'm starting to think that I'm on the spectrum, and that there is no "cure" for this. So many things you said resonate with me.
This was REALLY interesting!!! Going to show this to my husband and see if it helps out situation.😄 I'm not diagnosed, but I'm starting to suspect I have Autism as there are so many similarities here!!
Going to watch part 2 now.
I can so relate to what you mentioned about reading his normal facial expression as being annoyed and angry. I realized recently I’ve been doing this to my so and my son. I keep asking them what’s wrong and they tell me nothing.
I’m not sure how to not think they are upset or angry in the moment, even though I’ve come to this conclusion…
Thank you, Mr Purple, for agreeing to do another video with Ella!
I love hearing another partnership that is similar to mine, it really helps . I feel less alone with it all .
The thing about guilt is so true and I didn't know that anyone else experienced that in exactly the same way I do . (It made me emotional 🥲)
I am getting married to my non autistic partner next year 💍👰🏼
I love seeing vids like this explaining neurodivergent relationships. I’m sharing this with my hubby. It helps having examples and other perspectives. These vids are priceless to me ❤
The specific strategies and examples are incredibly validating and inspiring. ❤️ I especially love the growth-mindset. We aren't perfect, but we are always getting better! I am cheering you both on for continued growth, as much as I am cheering myself on 😁
Thank you so much for this, I am 37 and have not been officially diagnosed but pretty sure I have both ADHD and autism (I'm also Hypermoble (like 9/9 Beighton Scale and thus want to be seen by a doctor to see whether it's more than that and maybe hEDS) and have POTS) and I only figured all this out about 18 months ago. I married my husband when I was 20 and you are explaining our marriage, from the way I react thinking he's angry at me (the RSD is strong in me) and being completely dependent on him, to him telling me what he's thinking and feeling more often these days and helping me in a productive way when I'm melting down. The things that he does that has definitely helped with the meltdowns is when he sees it coming on everything goes fluffy, by which I mean he makes me good, healthy food (like a giant bowl of my favorite fruits and most definitely tea usually oolong), either does it himself or helps me make a nest out of our queen size bed (with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals) and floods the house with some of my favorite Ambiance tracks (lately from the games Stray and Elden Ring) and he acts like a fool to get me to laugh (it usually works) it's been very good at calming me down.
Very much look forward to part 2.
Thank you both. This is very straightforward and helpful. My husband and I are both autistic. He found out about his when his mom decided to tell him when he was 35 and set to marry me, a-at the time-single mom of 3, two on the spectrum.I came to finally recognize mine only a few years ago when I looked honestly at my kids' testing through my own experience. Coming together through these things, as well as a lot of separate traumas too numerous to list here, has not been easy, to say the least. We have been together 10 years now and are still figuring out how to come together and understand one another. You give me a lot to think about and a lot I hope I can share with my husband. On to part two....
"I can still be happy and okay when you're not happy and okay." MINDBLOWING. How is something so obvious also something that has never occurred to me? I don't have a significant other, but I think this can equally apply to close platonic or family relationships. I can see using a lot of these strategies with my dad.
Omg, I've got the "assuming my partner is upset with me" problem when she's acting slightly differently. I think it's because of past trauma, like you said, as well as not interpreting face expressions well, despite me noticing a change in her face expression
We reached the same conclusion you did, with her telling me to assume she's not upset with me 😂
I am also leaving a comment mid video and what i have seen so far is amazing. thank you both for your honesty and talking about the positive and negative. It is lovely to see such a committed couple who love each other unconditionally and admit they both have struggled. So refreshing to see. Nice to see Mr Purple too, I hope I can find a 'Mr Purple' one day xx
About four years ago when I was 21 I found out I’m autistic and I’ve always known something was different my adhd didn’t quite fit the puzzle neither did my social anxiety I’m just glad I understand what I have instead of just adhd my husband is ADD and that’s it but he’s had a hard time with my melt downs and took it personally as but now he is starting to learn as I am too learning more and more about my autism I have more shut downs then melt downs
Mr Purple seems like such a wonderful human so gentle :)
This is an amazing description of our evolution in processing learning about normal arguments and meltdowns. Thank you so much for the courage and willingness to reveal your marriage workings. It gives permission and allowance for what relationships actually look like. As always you nailed the essence of understanding another important nuance of being nuro divergent.
I want to thank you for this information my husband has autism we get through his melt downs I love him and want to be able to help him God bless ya'll
This is so helpful. There are several things that Mr Purple has said here that my husband has also said, almost word for word. Hearing that echoed here helps it go in, as it were. My partner is also a little older than me and we did start our relationship when I was quite young (and living in a new country by myself for the first time) so we have absolutely also had a struggle with the dynamic of me building my emotional framework around his and only now learning what a bit more independence can look like for me. I hadn't known that this wasn't uncommon! So I appreciate that you both highlighted that. Thank you!
So extremely helpful. Thank you. Mr. Purple reminds me of my husband and Purple Ella reminds me of me. Lots of good insight and light bulb moments. You helped put words to things I didn't have words for. Thank you to both of you.
Im not exactly the avid youtube commentator, however this entire page has help my understanding of my own situation tremendously. After hearing and seeing your testimony’s I felt the sudden urge to just say thank you, sincerely. Your videos are much appreciated!
This is so valuable, thank you! Navigating neurotypical / neurodiverse relationships are really complex and take so much communication and patience :)
Very, very helpful! Thanks to you and especially Mr. Purple for showing us there’s hope.💜💜💜
Purple Ella, you rock star you! Thanks to you & Mr Purple, hard subject to cover publicly, but hugely useful for so many people.
Gotta say though, as soon as you said 'I can be very loud, and very shouty" I dissolved with laughter. I'm going to try showing this to my long-suffering partner. Even if she doesn't gain much from the rest of the video (which I'm fairly confident that she will), that statement alone will bring laughter and happiness.
I am, as far as I am aware, one of the loudest people... anywhere. Always wanted to meet Brian Blessed, see which one of us is louder. That's.. before a meltdown. During one, I can set off earthquake sensors in the next country over. 😝
I hate when I leave a comment mid-video so that I don't forget what I want to say, and then I need to follow-up that comment with another comment. And now I'm here explaining this so people don't think I'm nuts, even though I'm 99% sure the only person who is giving this any deep thought is me. Lol. Autism. 😅
I just want to add that I'm very grateful to Mr. Purple and find it interesting that he is playing a similar role to my partner. In fact, he said many things my partner says, which is why I've now made a note to watch this with my partner later. I've found that it's definitely better to try and make plans for arguments before they happen than while they're happening. My brain switches into problem-solving mode where I'm trying to argue, fix the argument, and fix the way we fight all at the same time. And, I'm unwittingly make it so I'm even more overwhelmed and less able to handle the situation.
Frankly, it's very helpful to hear two people talk about how they problem solve meltdowns. Obviously, there's no perfect answer for every situation. But, it certainly motivates me to search for new solutions. And I feel, of course, so similarly to Ella and want my partner to feel respected and heard. And she does often push her own issues under the rug because she knows I'm overwhelmed.
So, thanks to both of you for being honest. It's clear you've both put a lot of effort into your relationship. I think that's beautiful and humbling.
The start of your comment made me giggle as I do the exact same thing 😂
Like you say, we’re probably the only ones putting that much thought into it!
Your comment resonates deeply 😊
CTHULHU and WarmandPugly there are at least three of us! This was a really hard video not to comment on at 17 intervals. And I am grateful that I am not the only one who writes in paragraphs! I had to edit out 90% of what I wrote, or it would have crashed the Internet. 😂
You and Mr Purple share so openly💜💜💜 Yes, this helps...👍😁💪... just having Mr Purple share what his care is for getting the two of you through as a solid love is just beautiful. My favorite was that he will tell you if he is upset or not doing well... there is such guilt for meltdowns that are already so hard to go through as the ND... to have acceptance and understanding given is a reality that is rare. And gives us hope and a great model for other relationships to endure 👍😁👍 Love ypur stuff... keep up the great work💜😁💜
Thank you both! 💞
This is one of the best videos I’ve ever seen on autism and marriage. Thank you both so much for sharing your personal struggles and victories. To see another couple dealing with similar things that my husband and I deal with brought me to tears halfway through the video. You have given me some very helpful tools that I will definitely try and use in my relationship with my husband. Thank you again for sharing. ❤
Thank you for this video, I've been putting off watching it because i get distracted easily (got diagnosed in september with adhd and autism). This was perfect timing though. Yes it's 12 am, but i've been struggling in my relationship for awhile now ( had a severe emotional overload tonight along with many other nights, and feel like i'm at my breaking point), since I was just diagnosed so recently, I've always felt like something was wrong with me, like i'm to needy or clingy (from an objective perspective though, it's in fact the opposite, im always trying to give and nurture and often forget about my needs) but even before, and now after the diagnosis's, i try to communicate where i see the relationship struggling, and how it's affecting me, then ask how it's affecting my partner. But everytime I feel pushed to the side in a way, because my partner never thinks anything is wrong/they don't feel affected by anything. So basically I feel as if I try to cry for help but ultimately nothing changes :/ The hardest thing to deal with is the lack of communication in ways that make me feel extremely anxious/suspicious. Without my partner willing to let me know things before hand (ex: if they can't hang out/change our plans, or doesn't call when they said they would) It just shatters my heart in so many ways :(
Didn't mean to blabber, I'm just watching videos to help me get the courage for the change i feel coming, for my own sanity, mental health, and needs. ( thanks to you guys❤)
I know this probably seems like oversharing, I just have to get it out, like a journal entry or something.
I hope someone can relate
Thank you so much for sharing your lives with us. 💜 I am an NT and my partner was just diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum and everything you've shared is so very similar to everything we've experienced. We were actually married, separated, divorced, back together, separated and back together so many times I've lost count. After his diagnosis the weight that has been taken off of my shoulders is immense. I could go on and on about the understanding we now have over all of our break-ups but, I'm sure you understand 💜 Our relationship is now on a path of understanding instead of destruction. Thank you so much for teaching me ways to see his perspective so we can now grow in this loving relationship 💜💜💜 I wish you and Mr. Purple all the best 💜💜💜 (also, purple happens to be my favorite color 💜😁)
This was so helpful and applicable to most types of relationships! When I was first diagnosed I expected that everyone should meet my needs but I’ve since realised it’s about working together like you described here :)
Hi Ella, I've been watching your videos over the past year now. We were going through the Autism evaluation process for my 9/10 year old daughter. I find your videos especially helpful. My daughter is the spitting image of me so most of the time I can use my own experience to relate to what she's going through and demonstrate techniques that have worked in the past for me. I am not officially diagnosed but it was recommended by the doctor who did her evaluation that I seek my own. I don't think I can handle the stress it was so overwhelming just getting her diagnosis. I will accept the fact that I am most likely autistic because as I said we are almost identical but I have ADHD which makes myself a little more complicated. This video was amazing because it touches base on a lot of the relationship aspects between my autistic daughter and my middle child who definitely has undiagnosed ADHD. I'm going to play this for both of them later when they get home from school. Thank you so much for all of the time you put into these videos! I appreciate it greatly💜
Thank you for putting into words what I feel ❤
Thank you so very much for sharing your love and relationship tips and perspectives. I just sent this to my late diagnosed wife💞
I think this is really useful and look forward to the next one! I think mr purple comes across really well and he seems like such a kind caring person! X
Thank you ❤️ this was very relatable and applaud you both for being candid/vulnerable.
I love to see your communication, you two have it together more than a lot of people. Thank you for sharing how you support yourselves and each other, you are really helping others.
Brilliant video, thankyou. I like how you came to the conclusion that instead of asking your partner 'whats wrong?' - asking them alternatively - 'how are you?' or 'what's going on with you?' just works so well for both of you. Very helpful.
Thank you so much for this video. I can't express how helpful this has been. Much appreciation for you both!
Total couple goals! Love how you're both open to learning how best to support each other and are also willing to try! ❤
I haven't been in relationship yet. But if I should one day, I'll know how to deal better thanks to your openness ❤️
Dear Purple Ella and Mr. Purple, Thank you ever so much!
Your communication skills are evolving so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this so I can help communicate more clearly in my relationship!
This is very helpful for me. I have the same problem of reading my husband's face and lack of talking. Sometimes it's just the lack of him connecting with me.
Thank you for the video! It will help me navigate my relationship with my adult child who is autistic.
Hello, Purples, First, I'll start with, Thank You! My fiance and I have been on a journey in our time together, figuring out how to live with Autism. We really appreciate your video. I myself have not been diagnosed, but my fiance and her therapist seem to think I am, however, as of now, my fiance is the only one diagnosed Autistic. Anyway, as you can guess, we have had some struggles. So, thank you for providing some perspective from positions like ours. Mr. Purple, I appreciate your POV, as it helps me see there are others going through the same thing I go through. Thank you both so much!
Thank you both so much for being vulnerable and offering so many useful insights. I want you to know how appreciated it is and how much it helps. I’m late diagnosed autistic and will be sharing this with my partner. Thank you so much again to you both for all you do
I really appreciate your videos! I find so many other approaches to this topic focus on the NT partner adapting to and understanding the ND partner. A relationship is a two-way street and understanding how to be supported while also supporting an NT partner is key!
There was so much I could relate to which left me quite overwhelmed and out of words, but I still wanted to comment: Hearing another couple struggling in the same kind of way, as my bf and I have been struggling ever since we moved together, made me feel less alone and more hopeful for our future together. Thank you 💜🦦
Yes. Please thank Mr. P. It’s Very Helpful to hear both perspectives. And the joint interaction.
Being the NT it’s helpful to see the dynamics/hear what you have tried and from what approaches which help create progress.Thank you Mr P, for offering input when it isn’t in your comfort zone to do so. And for your commitments to Ella and your family to lovingly work through the hard parts.
Thank you for keeping it real and relatable. I appreciate the tips on what has been helpful to both of you.
Love this video. Saw myself and my husband.
Extremely helpful. Thank you both so much :) xxxx
Great video. I also wanna understand how double neurodivergent relationships can struggle without diagnosis (self or official). Two people heavy masking to eachother.... when they don't need to but don't know that. Or even know what masking is.
I'm totally going to try cute animal videos! Heck, I'll try anything that will keep me from exploding at the people I love. I'm interested to see if this will lessen the feeling of ever increasing anxiety.
My son was diagnosed in Kindergarten so I’ve been dealing for 17 years but wanted to hear some updates for Autism/ADHD. 1 hr later...I’m 99.9% sure that I actually have Autism as I’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD. I’m dumbfounded by everything you just said because it’s me to a T! OMG I can’t have Autism @ 48 right I mean you don’t just catch it later in life, right? It really would explain so much though! Well, I’m a new sub and I really appreciate you both opening up about something so personal but know you’re helping so many people! Do you have a video about what to do after you find out you’re old AF and how did I not know all this time? lol I’m absolutely stunned!!! Thank you again!
I’m 48 as well and never got officially diagnosed. It wasn’t until last year when my mother and I were talking about my second cousin who is nonverbal and obviously autistic. She said I had similar tendencies growing up. I then thought about all my experiences and started researching. I completely believe I am on the spectrum. It explains everything. Whether you get a diagnosis or not, you have lived this long and are capable.
Thank you both so much for being so open, I watched this crying because I related so much. I’m currently going through the diagnosis process aged 51 ( and yesterday was diagnosed with hyper mobile joints so in a lot of pain ) and despite being married for nearly 27 years I am convinced my husband is going to leave me because he didn’t sign up for this ( authentic) version of me and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I related so much to your experience in secondary school as I was badly bullied too and have been convinced all my life unless people have clown grins on they hate me or I have somehow upset them as I can’t read faces very well. I’m not sure my husband will be as willing as Mr Purple to try and understand and help but thank you for making me feel less alone and weird it really helps knowing other peoples heads work like mine ..even if mine does seem exceptionally good at catastrophising everything.
What a wonderful video. It's so so spot on. Thank you. Thank you Thank you. 🙏🏼
Thank you SO MUCH. When you got to the part about giving your spouse suggestions, and then they don't work, I just went "YES!!" I'd learned about the link between learned helplessness and depression, and I feel like that my "do this" phase, which arose too much out of a close-to-meltdown state, and created issues that I'm still trying to emerge from, pushed her that way. Both of us, really; my downward spiral of more frequent meltdowns, and my inability to control myself, sent me into full-blown MDD. We didn't know what was happening to me either, and you are also so right that knowing is very helpful but not a magic cure.
I do RSD too, and that's a big struggle. (I can get triggered my my wife smiling! Sigh.) I have recently realized that some of my feelings of "you're upset with me" are a hint to my own state...I'm not great at reading other's emotions, so my default is assuming that whatever I'm feeling is what the other person is feeling. And of course my amygdala is always looking for where the danger is, and it convinces me it must be there somewhere. I am now at least able to understand that I am "in that place." Your RSD video was one of the few places we got strategies that help ("let me know if you're not in a good space, but it's not about me"). So thank you again!
61, likely autistic and ADHD (edited; I typed autistic and ASD at first, I tend to transpose words and terms), but as yet still undiagnosed...but you have had many videos that describe my life.
Thanks for this precious video.
We got my daughter a support dog for her autism during lockdown but it's been a double blessing she not only relaxes my daughter but relaxes me and because she's like a baby to me or my daughter I noticed if either or my daughter are getting in a bad mood with my partner he will go make a big fuss of our dog or do something cute with her which immediately distracts us from whatever was upsetting or overwhelming us. I'm alot calmer person since we had the support dog and the only thing that gets my daughter out of a full blown meltdown. Now if I can just train the man like the dog was trained 🙄
Where did you get your jumper from? Love Studio Ghibli!!!
Really informative video my partner is neurotypical and I have learned so much ❤
Thank you for this
That was excellent stuff. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you SO SO much for making this video. I can very much relate to what you are saying but never thought about it like this myself so this is a big help!!
Thank you! Appreciate your sharing.
Thank you very much, this video is very helpful! Will the second part include how you deal with executive function challenges and autistic burnout in a relationship? Don't know if you have these kinds of challenges, but I'm very interested in this topic.
Beautiful talk by you two beautiful people! Thank you. PS. That emotional independence is a lot of work, even though I am single. 😊
Thanks for sharing about facial expressions. 😮
Fantastic video! Thank you!
What a beautiful couple x thank you x
Thank you both!! This is very helpfull!!
LOVED IT! You're both amazing! Many thanks!
This was fantastic and very informative. Thank you both.
And that Totoro shirt is absolutely amazing! I love it 😍
Yes mr purple and Mrs ella this video found me useful and i gave your video a thumbs up. 👍
Thanks for such a candid discussion
What a great video on relationship struggles of an ND/NT couple. Thanks for your openness, that was really helpful!
The first 5-10 minutes I was wondering if something was going on with Mr Purple as he looked so serious 😅.
I wouldn't say that this not sharing emotions is only a "man cave" thing. My husband is extremely emotional and emphatic and can share his thoughts and emotions well. But often, he keeps his issues back to protect me. Which only works a bit, because then he sometimes can explode on things that are absolutely minor or he does support me but leaves me with a feeling of not being appreciated... It's really helpful, it the spouse is communicating in a clear way that he still loves you and that the struggles are actually X, Y, Z. And yes, in a meltdown, this list is neverending, and yes, it's helpful if the spouse recognise this and knows how to guide one out.
Omg so nice and wish you good luck
Definitely helpful! Thank you!
Thank you this video is really helpful x
PS love your earrings and jumper! It would be great to see a video on your style / why you love colours as I'm the same. I feel under-stimulated by 'ordinary' fashion and muted colours so I like to wear lots of vibrant colour to stimulate me. Are you the same? Make a video on this if so :)
Oooh 🤩 You too like otters! I absolutely adore them! My favorite otter channels are “Kotsumet” and “Aty”.
Great couple..♥️♥️
Thanks!
Just gotta say. I love your earrings and shirt. Totally distracting for the adhd in me lol
Also so much of this resonates with me. I'm diagnosed with adhd and I have meltdowns, my husband is super super supportive but they push him to his absolute limit, so we've gotta give credit to our beautiful men.
My meltdown rule is don't poke or pressure the crying person. No one follows it, they see the autistic person imploding from stress and try to enforce dominance. It makes everything ten times worse, I'm very clear with them that this is not a me problem.
Well shit.................
brilliant 😊😊
What is on your shirt?! It is extremely cool
It’s the cat bus from the movie Totoro! 😊
@@kyliewagner9597 aw I don't think I've seen it
@@heedmydemands it's lovely, probably my favourite Studio Ghibli film ❣
NT mind is fast and ND brain deep. they can clash. However NT women and ND men work well.
I wonder how Mr Purple gets his own emotional needs met ?
Perhaps he has his own family members or friends to turn to ?
It can be tiring when relationships seem to be one way traffic,even if it is not intentional on the AS partners side
Mr Purple gets his needs met. This video was focussed on the autism/ADHD needs related aspect of our relationship - not the entire working dynamic. Just as I care for my children I also care for him. Hope that clears things up for you.
@@PurpleElla Thank you
I am sorry, I am not clear…is Mr Purple neurotypical?