@@shan22777 If they tell you what they need, it's reasonable, and you won't do them, you may have rejected them, Shan? On the other hand, I was rejected by my husband after my ADD diagnosis, who did it by "forgiving me for ruining his life." I had to get a divorce, even though I loved him.
OMG YES. Like it's only a matter of time before I feck it up. And then eventually, I indeed do and that person either drops me as a friend or takes a step wayyy back. How very sad for all of us who suffer from this. We all have to remember it isn't our fault and we're not bad people!
It seems like volatile or dysregulated emotions in ADHD only get brought up in context with impulsivity and extraversion, when someone's excitement or overwhelm spills over, because in situations like that, they're obvious from the outside. However, I don't express emotion like that, at all. I don't even experience many feelings in real time - especially difficult ones tend to arrive with delay, or I only realize I have them once they're above some threshold level. I suppose I adapted to the world by internalizing everything. I agree that there needs to be more extensive documentation of the nuanced internal states and secondary effects of the condition. Things like rejection-sensitivity should be brought up when the diagnosis is made, even if it's not part of diagnostic criteria, because information like that is going to matter to the patient and their need to understand themselves and their condition. We _only_ get a diagnostic term and a prescription. The information flow between patient and doctor seems to only be going one way in the diagnostic process: to the doctor. They'll only register what's relevant to matching the manual's symptom catalogue. Humans are social creatures - being afraid of connection and rejection affects everything from job searches to a fulfilling private life! I was diagnosed in late 2018. The conversation seemed to assume that I already knew what it meant: having a hard time focusing, memorizing, and filtering/withstanding sensory information. I didn't know shit about all the further implications! The medication helps me do tasks a lot, yes. But I still majorly struggle to get my life together and I believe "invisible" aspects about the bigger picture of the condition have everything to do with it. I'm having myself put on the autism assessment waiting list, too, but they told me it was two years long.
Agreed! It's been such a huge part of my experience as well, and I'm shocked that I've only learned about it recently. When I heard there's a name for what I've been feeling my entire life, it all just clicked into place. But now I'm left wondering what I can do about it, and so I hope it is studied further.
The emotional aspect is probably even more relatable than the attention aspect. If it got more attention it might help ADHD's image as just not being able to focus on work.
This rejection sensitivity is soo painful. It’s so hard to manage.I find it very hard to handle my emotions when someone rejects or criticizes my motives. I also find it hard to hold tears back.
There was a time when I rejected a girl who confessed that she was crushing me. I said “I’m going to have to say that I’m not interested in you” then she said that I broke her heart. We weren’t even dating. Jeez! 😤
My biggest fears are rejection and abandonment. Every time a friend disconnects from me, I feel gutted. I always get worried that my current friends and family members are mad at me or don’t want a relationship with me. It’s so painful.
I'm autistic and I have this. Many many autistics have this. It depends on our functioning, along with also trauma for growing up autistic in a neurotypical society, masking (people pleasing), low self esteem, also perfectionism, wanting control.
I’ve finally managed to push everyone away and have no one now. If anyone reading this still has anyone in their lives, please don’t let them go. This is hell. 💔
Look, I was just there. I’ve finally met someone after years of working on myself… still terrified but holding out hope… you can make it change… I promise
I can relate to what u r saying. I have learned that no human can give humans the love and acceptance that we desperately crave. The wonderful thing is I now trying to rely on God's love which is perfect and enough.
This resonates with me too much. It has reached the point where I notice myself avoiding situations where I think I might be rejected. For example, if friends meet up and I wasn't explicitly invited, I shy away from asking whether I can join because there's a chance they could say no, and I tell myself I don't ask because I want them to inrinsically contact me. It leaves me more lonely than I would have to be these days, and I struggle to fight it even though I fully understand where it's coming from and what events in my past have made me even more sensitive. Edit: I was typing this while still in the middle of the video (what else do you expect from someone with ADHD) and now you got to the post-social-interaction catastrophizing and I'm in tears. I used to struggle just a little with that, but then there was a situation where somebody did indeed misunderstand me and it caused a huge rupture that lead to the very painful ending of a friendship very dear to me because it triggered their insecurities, and obviously that experience worsened my post-interactiion catastrophizing and haunts me in many situations as I'm desperately trying to avoid losing anybody else for such unnecessary reasons.
My daughter and I suffer from this, and adhd. I was just diagnosed with Autism and I want to thank you for having something to do with me seeking a diagnosis and accepting my own differences. You’re a wonderful advocate and I am so happy I’ve found your channel. ❤️
I feel rejected by my cat. I laughed at myself. but. it's automatic default response to distancing behavior.. but my cat? I am so glad i am not the only one, well it is a bit comforting. :)
This is by far the most painful aspect of my ADHD. It took me till only a few years ago to know this is a just another part of my adhd. I wish I would have known this years ago. I would have known that I wasn’t crazy.
OMG I am you. I get it. Have suffered with this condition my whole life only I just learned what it even was, let alone that it was on account of my ADHD. I'm 62 now! I can't even count the friendships/professional relationships I've irreparably damaged because of this.
I am 60 y.o.and also just learned of this. I am going to be evaluated for adhd in a week and a half. Due to my age and hormone changes, along with trauma throughout my life, I believe it has made things worse at my later age. I am trying hard to learn as much as possible so I can help myself in the future. I too, have had multiple relationship failures. How are you coping now?
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your experiences with us, Ella! I've struggled with this my whole life, too. Its caused me to isolate myself from potential friends so I don't inconvenience them with my presence (since of course they hate me, or will if I hang around long enough). Even if you assure me I'm not a burden, I'm convinced otherwise! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who does this
Grace you made me laugh! I needed that! Haven't laughed in ages. I find it hard to put words to my feelings & experiences. I read your note & I'm like.... yup! 😆 yup! 😆 I wish I could laugh off the fear & anxiety that socializing causes. I dread it 😭. All the best to you love.
Your video and your ability to verbalize the issue brought tears to my eyes. I've lost many friends, family and even my partner due to just never being able to commit completely in a relationship. I had tried to explain it unsuccessfully, Maybe I lack the language to explain it or I was under a denial of my actions that I regretted later. I will share this video with anyone who is close enough to me.
i recently learned that RSD is a thing, thanks to a friend of mine who also has adhd. knowing that the intense fear i feel after most (if not all) social interactions, however brief or 'meaningless' those interactions are, is not a fault of mine, has been incredibly freeing. i've always had a habit of hyper-analyzing interactions with acquaintences and friends until i convince myself that i somehow massively fucked up and thus have given them reason to hate me, even if i received zero "negative" reactions from them and both of us were happy the entire time. now that i know about RSD, i catch myself hyper-analyzing old interactions on a daily basis. being able to go "oh, i'm only thinking this because of RSD," is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. not only does it explain years and years of "self-made" stress (irrational stress that i was convinced was based on reason), but it saves me from the stress of every single social interaction i'll have in the future. knowing that the dread, fear, and pain i feel after having fun with friends & meeting new people is only a result of my brain fucking me over has improved my life almost as much as getting on medication has. "post social interaction catastrophizing" is a phrase that perfectly describes something that i previously had no clue how to describe. it'll probably stick with me for the rest of my life. so, thank you. thank you very, very much for sharing your experience. it's helped me an incredible amount, and i'm sure it's helped thousands of other people, too.
This is something that’s been really hard for me to deal with my whole life as well. Even the smallest off-hand comment from someone who I rationally know loves me will really hit hard, really hurt-and they’ll have no clue. Still, intentional or not, those little (or sometimes big) things sting so so badly, the tears come automatically, I just can’t help it. I also have trauma that makes this even harder, one being having a great group of friends up through the end of 5th grade and then the first day of 6th grade, every single one of those kids straight up refused to acknowledge my existence. I guess masking and being able to make people laugh to accept me was no longer enough as the rest of the kids became way more socially aware. Oh well, their loss! 😋 But yes, I completely feel what you say about past trauma interacting with RSD, it’s.....rough.
Also, forgot to add, I can even experience RSD from animals! An animal (say, a cat-I LOVE cats) is fine one second, and the next they bite/scratch, oooooooh boy, here comes that RSD pain, the waterworks, etc.
My girlfriend just went to go take a nap because she was tired and she thought the documentary i was watching was a little cheesy. she just made a little joke about that and now i'm sitting here sobbing. Thank you for making this video and making me feel less alone
It's nice to have a name for what I've been experiencing most of my life. It's gotten worse over time, mainly because of an accumulation of rejection over a few decades. My default assumption is that anyone I interact with will, given time, reject me. So I keep my relationships as superficial and few as possible.
WOW! This describes me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I waa diagnosed WITH ADHD 17 Yrs ago. I told my psych how I scored really high on two of the spectrum disorder tests online and he dismissed me right away. But after watching this video I can say with a certainty that I have this RSD. But it's mostly with my husband and it has put such a strain on our marriage. He says that nothing he does for me ever good enough for me. He says I demand perfection or I feel offended and rejected by him daily and throughout the day and so we constantly bicker 😞 His personality is one that I feel is offensive. He jokes about things in regards to me or is critical of me ( he doesn't acknowledge most of it ) he's corrective and UGH! Its aggravating. Sometimes I get he gets frustrated at my brain fog and impulsitivity but just don't have a clue where to go from here. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Excellent well stated!!! Finally someone who can explain what my wonderful wife/partner goes through. You have given us both a path for health, healing, love, and peace. Again publicly I will say... “ I love you Kate, that’s not going to change “.
You don't even know how validating this video was for me. Hearing you describe your own experiences with this, outside of a few minor personal details, was like listening to myself describe what I thought was just me being overly sensitive for as long as I can remember. I never thought other people experienced this on the same level that I do and it always made me feel so alone. I've never felt such a wave of pure relief and validation sweep over me before. I think this is one of the few times when the RUclips algorithm showed me exactly what I needed to see exactly when I needed to see it. Thank you, thank you so much, for making me feel so much less alone. I think I have a lot of research to do.
Thank you for this useful and succinct description. It is good to hear this more nuanced description because it explains there is a difference between this motivated by ASD/ADHD responses and that motivated by symptoms of BPD. There are overlaps in symptoms in these two very different diagnoses and what you've said shows that it is not the same as fear of abandonment as in BPD. The word dysphoria sums it up very well, that is the feeling exactly, and the thought that I may have upset someone somehow is mortifying and never part of the intention or my expectation - the subsequent ruminations always still come as a surprise - like, I may have enjoyed my interaction with persons and left feeling everyone was happy, but I will still find my mind questioning things and cringing or feeling uncomfortable.
I wouldn't be surprised if people have ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and C-PTSD at the same time. The abuse and neglect children with Autism, ADHD does leave them sometimes deeply traumatized.
I once dated this guy and I was supposed to follow him with my car and he took off way too fast and I got lost so I asked him for the address and he thought it was incredibly stupid. He lost respect for me after that suddenly it was a big deal that I was younger and less mature than him I eventually broke up with him because I didn’t want to have that isolation anymore. I haven’t forgotten how easy it was to be rejected for who I am for a simple mistake of difficulty doing something that other people think is easy. I’ve been rejected like that a lot in my life but that example stands out
I've had to work very hard on this one. My best strategy to cope with this has been to recognise it as a disorder, a chemical imbalance if you will. I try to think of alternate explanations and buy myself time, enough time to wait for more information until i'm more sure and don't have to make assumptions that usually lead me to negative reactions.
I’m very scared of making mistakes in what I’m doing. Or just being wrong. I do my absolute best to not make such mistakes, and put so much time and energy into it because…well, when I do I get that pang of rejection, terror of thoughts that people will then laugh at and bully me, and so on. I also have issues waiting on someone’s reply. Worse when I really like the person. I taught myself the exact same thing you described, making a mental exercise of “okay but what if ”. I didn’t realize how important that was for my health and how deeply I have this problem until now. Long winded way to say, thank you so much fir making this video.
I have a personal theory of RSD and that has to do with the nature of the ADHD brain like you said that negative experiences are indeed more magnified vs the neurotypical brains. For example, the way my undiagnosed ADHD, narcissist parents who are in denial has abusively shaped my life with physical, emotional, psychological abuse and totally incorrect parenting while giving me the most unsupportive communicative methods like, "Because in Korean tradition and culture you have to respect your elders." "Because the bible says to obey and respect your parents, you do as we say even if we are wrong." (I had a couple of hospitalizations, and near death experiences due to that as well as me just acting out with ADHD). I was even expelled from kindergarten because 3 third grade students bullied me and punched me in the face when they asked if I had any money. I first said I didn't, then gave them an apple from my lunch with a smile trying to be friendly because I didn't understand what the word chink meant during my kindergarten year or that they were trying to extort money from me, or so I thought they were poor people asking for financial assistance or they were hungry. I was taking taekwondo with a yellow or purple belt and was told not to punch or kick anybody unless you are caught in a fight and you reveal they have no intention of letting you go or backing you into a corner. I did follow this rule only to have my arse beat by my own father and then being told I'm completely stupid and don't know about society or politics and shamed me and told me to never do that or another punishment will be there for me... I was never taught a lot of things and still severely and unjustly beaten for things never taught the thought life should be fair or is fair never resonated with me. This is when my Oppositional Defiant Disorder and anti-authoritarian attitude kicked which developed narcissism and a defensive ego and survival instincts. Didn't know I might've been set up because I may have annoyed/offended someone with political power and social connections while I was in kindergarten in an elementary school in Beverly Hills, California. Looking back at my childhood, how my parents neglected in raising me as they were Dry Cleaner owners working from 9am-9pm Mon-Sat and Sunday going to St. Gregory Nazianzen Catholic Church. I have to say that the most painful, most tragic and horrible times of my life were my childhood. Unfortunately, I'm still undiagnosed in my late 30s and was told I'm using my willpower the wrong way, I'm just a lazy arse.... They stopped calling me by my name and instead call me "You" and then do this or that as if I'm not human or even beneath their dogs which have names... You might be able to tell just from this how much detail I'm glossing over in my life. I grew up in Beverly Hills, California but my parents lived way above their means and didn't see me as a human but instead a tool or somebody to take advantage of mostly due to their ADHD and other co-morbidities. So, I can deeply understand trauma and that accepting a different lifestyle that you have a loving husband and that your dog loves you doesn't resonate nor is conducive to the primitive survival instinct part of your previously and deeply traumatized lifestyle from the perception you used to have. Pain, suffering, negativity are things that all brains are naturally wired to remember forever due to the fact that our brains are wired to survive and adapt in any and all situations to the best of our abilities and understanding. So, that scar, the habits, the lessons we've learned from past pain and suffering probably will stay with us forever but we can only make repeated attempts to re-condition ourselves and adapt to a new lifestyle. I'll stop here before I end up writing and ranting too much. Thanks for the read.
How did you manage to capture my thoughts and feelings so perfectly? Did you execute some kind of elaborate, The Matrix meets Mission Impossible meets Inception type stunt, whereby you infilitrated my house in the darkest depths of night, chloroformed my still-not-sleeping-because-I'm-a-pirennial-insomniac form, and planted some sort of bug in my head?! Because those are my thoughts and feelings, almost to the letter. Whenever I make a new acquaintance / colleague / friend / romantic partner, etc, whatever their neurotype, I always feel like I'll soon be "too much" and am already on borrowed time. Thank you for another beautifully articulated, wholly relateable video!
This, every day. The trouble is that I can recognize it and figure out just where my thought pattern has gone off the rails, and yet STILL experience the same feelings vividly like some phantom pain
So glad to see that this is an actual disorder and I am not just odd for getting really upset for being 'rejected' by an infant!😅 Thank you for being so brave, honest and open in sharing your story.
I can recognise things and I know that it's not the end of the world, but it comes to a point where people aren't meeting your needs and that's not fair that people push you to be irrational bcoz the person you love just doesn't seem to understand and want to meet me half way, I just always feel like I'm behind glass
Great video! I also experience RSD. Although it also helps me to pause and think through things rationally, it never solves that painful feeling of rejection. It's such a strange experience to force yourself to think through things rationally even while your emotions are telling you you're wrong.
Helpful to have a name for a condition and straedgy that runs along with the self-isolation that can occur in a mix of ASD an ADHD. Still hurts but a pause inserts itself.
Thank you for talking about this it must of not been easy. For me it is the worst part of having adhd. My childhood was very hard and was bullyed every day for being different. I lose most of my family when i was really young to illness. So the feeling of being abandoned and rejected is so high. I become a people pleaser and lost myself. This also made me a narcissist magnet. I would think they where my friend but it was just because i was easy to use.
This really hits home with me, 😢 I’ve literally struggled with this and the pain it’s caused all my life, I’m only just now learning to understand what RSD actually is and how it’s linked with my ADHD. Thankyou Ella
I feel seen! Thank you for making this. Like you, I’ve only learned about RSD recently and it has really helped to be aware of when it’s happening. Just a couple of days ago I had an experience with it and caught myself before I got too distressed. Oh, and I have experienced RSD with animals too - glad to discover I’m not the only one. I’m self diagnosed autistic and I think very likely I have ADHD as well - my life has never made quite so much sense as when seen in that context!
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD (inattentive type) a number of years ago and I’m just now piecing together that I’m also likely autistic. I relate so much to some of you and Samdy Sam’s videos on your experiences and this video in particular is so relatable. Thank you for making the content that you do. 💜
This describes me all too well. Looming rejection affects everything I do...and everything I don't do. I have a past of childhood abuse and abandonment from my first husband that compounds the fear, but I also recognize the missed autism diagnosis has played its role, too. Communication is so hard for me and I rarely trust the outcome of any attempt at it. I replay conversations in my head again and again looking for my mistakes and evidence of how stupid or annoying I must really be to people. For this reason I love to write versus speaking so that I can better frame my thoughts. However, even then I don't feel 100% comfortable. Even as I type this here, I am reminded I will likely feel I came across foolish, long-winded, and feel rejected. You see, I don't often get a response to any comments I make on RUclips or anywhere, for that matter, so even that becomes a means to feeling rejection. I used to blog but stopped because it's the same thing. I even wrote a memoir, had it published, but couldn't bear the selling aspect because no sells=personal rejection for me. So off of social media entirely, no promotional jazz for me. To venture back out into even sharing comments here on RUclips is major for me. So many times have I typed something out only to delete it, rewrite, delete again. When I finally feel satisfied enough to post, I check too often to see if I have responses in the hopes someone finally gets me and, usually finding none, chalk it up to being too late to the conversation, irrelevant, and unwanted...even in the autism community, where I hope to feel wanted. Because, yes, I am very introverted. I may be quiet, awkward, and not terribly interested in many social norms, but I do crave connection in my heart of hearts. I believe we are each created with that longing. At any rate, thanks for this and a place to unload all these locked up thoughts.
And this is why I don't usually say anything anymore...two days later and here I am checking and hoping like the pathetic thing I am that I will get some sort of response. 🙄 I would join a group to hope for interaction there but cannot afford to pay, as much as I would like to and know you deserve it.
Hey I recognized that you've wrote this comment on how bad your rejection sensitivity dysphoria is and I now understand what it is like for you and how difficult it may be to control and even in some things like writing a RUclips comment and not receiving anything responses back may also trigger them. Just so you know I trust in you in that your feelings are extremely valid, you are definitely NOT irrelevant or UNimportant in cases of even perceived rejection and criticism and can reach to your head. I promise you not your not alone as I feel rejection at a very harsh level too and often get pondered and absorbed through it for hours and maybe even days. These thoughts then get obsessive which may be hard to live with this condition. I also don't like how feelings to worthlessness are involved too because then it leads to breaking down (at least for me). When I saw your comment I knew that I should reach out to you because our minds have a way of shaping the way we think in situations which makes believe we are not enough to reach our expectations or others' expectations too. I am still coping and I know me writing will not cure your condition but I just wanted to let you a kind message to remember we are in this together and that thoughts and rejection has a way of screwing brains when we actually aren't of what we think. I also had some coping skills they might work ex: what I do is knowing that they don't actually care about me and that everybody forgets and doesn't care about it to focus on it so that means it is 100% okay not care because it is only in my head. In your case, you felt rejection because you were not getting responses but in reality it may be would because that you were not getting enough exposure. If it did get exposure (like it did to me when I saw your comment) I immediately wanted to write this if there were others who felt stuck and swarmed to negative thoughts and they saw this, many of step in and would also feel very compelled to write and emphasize too! I know it was hard for me but each step on the way I kept reminding myself and even cried many many times due to not handling it and I'm not saying it will be easy for you too. It is so hard to think rationally due to being blocked by rejection and thinking that you are the problem. But I believe in you because you and that people like you are this world and feel hopeless to reach out and when they try to even the littlest things hold them back. I apologize if I have grammar or repetition mistakes and it's not cause I don't care about them I just am a person to struggles with grammar and accidentally repeating words and phrases personally, but I do care A BUNCH about your situation! Please keep going!!! You deserve recognition!! 💕
@@springyroll3412 I don't have the words right now to thank you properly, but know this means so much to me! Just to know I am seen and understood helps tremendously. I am definitely further down the road than when I started recognizing things in myself, but I know there is a long way yet to go. Knowing others are on a similar journey is such an encouragement to keep going. Blessings to you! ❤️
@@marisa5359 No thank YOU! It also feels like such a blessing and I am very appreciative when people tell their story of what they've went through and your time will get there you are deserving of everything in the world and people will reach out to you. Also I'm super glad that you're going well down your journey and I hope you go down from there and make amazing people. I also keep reminding myself things to fight my rsd and i am just so happy to see someone fight too! People like you in this world want to reach out and seen like you do and so do I do say again to please keep your head high!! I'm wishing you luck and hope more than my life!!! I wish you have an amazing day, year, and an wonderful life with positivity and beauty that awaits you on your journey to everything!!! WE KEEP CHUGGING AND GETTING BETTER!!! 😁 ❤️
It's wild that someone as pleasant as you would feel this way. I also feel like this all the time, even with my dog, even though I know rationally that I'm not too bad to be around.
I’m definitely a people pleaser. This has had a huge impact in my jobs. If they’ve been critical or sarcastic I immediately thought they didn’t like me even when I knew they did this to all trainees!
Thank you for this video. I was recently diagnosed as neuro-divergent and can relate so completely with many of the situations that you describe - especially for texting to apologise after social events, and waiting nervously for instant replies to texts that I have spent hours writing. Hearing you put a name to this has been incredibly liberating for me and looking back at my childhood (40+ years ago), I can even identify many possible triggers/aggravating factors that I can associate with this.
I resonate with this too much. At some point I feel even worse with people that I really care about. Like if they stop liking me, it'll hurt even more, then I start acting weird around them in an atempt to keep them in my life. Eventually I push them away by doing this. It sucks.
Ella, I also have ASD and ADHD which I only just found out about this year, and your videos have been helping me so much. Just the coincidence that you released this one today, after a very painful RSD situation with roommates that occured last night. I never heard of this before. Thank you so much for releasing this today, it will really clear up the extreme stress I've been feeling from rejection I'm perceiving from my roommates
Thanks! This was an amazing video for me. The comment about expectations and text messages at about 7:47 was spot on for me. This is the first “Thanks” I’ve ever given though I didn’t know about this feature. 😅
I've been going through some stuff at work recently and stumbled across the video in my feed... omg I have this and it makes so much sense. Even with people who do reject me it engraves the finding that I dont belong and I'm not good enough when most of the time that's not the Case. The problem with me is that it's hard for me to change the way I think about this without first going through the emotions and having a mini meltdown before I can logically think through it. I haven't been diagnosed yet but am seeking a diagnosis of autism because I'm 100% sure I have it. But this explains so much of what I've been experiencing lately.
This is so painfully accurate, down to the pet thing where you are paranoid if your pets love/like you which blew me away. Like this video is creepy accurate. I experience all if not just about everything talked about in the video. I only just found out I have RSD and its been destroying me. It feels like i cant just have a completely happy or neutral day anymore. I cant go more than a day or two without having a mental breakdown recently. Like I have all three: ADHD, Autism, and now apparently RSD and it sucks. I didnt want to admit it out of a fear of self diagnosing which i have a strong repulsion to, and i didnt want to believe I had something like RSD, but literally can't say i dont have it anymore. I wish it would go away but you can't cure a mental disorder, and I just got it out of the blue and its been getting worse and worse. It feels so unfair. Thank you for this video though, its nice to hear someone so similar to me experience wise so I feel like less of a nutjob and know its not just me being crazy and theres something wrong with me specifically and everyone else is normal.
I've avoided creating relationships specifically because of RSD. I run away from everything. And the ones I didn't run away from were ended without my choice and destroyed me. For decades! I actually found out about this a while ago and mentioned it to my therapist last week and she didn't really say much about it. This week, she brought it up as if something brand new. Thankfully I already figured out she is ND is some way so I just rolled with it.
I never related to anything more, honestly I always struggled with this and I just always thought I'm the only one and because I'm strange and a complete alien. It feels so good to see someone else talking about these feelings.
This is a symptom commonly seen in CPTSD (complex trauma). I think being neurodivergent can lead to an increased risk of emotional neglect and rejection, which in turn increases the risk of developing complex trauma. It also feeds itself by getting you to self isolate in preparation of rejection.
This sounds familiar. I worry a lot that I have upset people and usually it isn't even true. I know that most people won't want to be friends with me. Thankfully, I have a small circle of ND friends. I also have a loving boyfriend who sounds a bit like Mr. Purple.
Actually came to the same conclusion recently, RSD being programmed in by the non acceptance of others. Thank you for so much for being brave enough to share your experiences with us all here.
I have gone through two periods in my life when I experienced a great deal of rejection. In both cases, I resorted to hiding as much as possible from the person(s) who were rejecting me. In both cases, I found much later, they felt that I was rejecting them.
I’m realizing that I’ve had RSD most of my life. I’ve come to realize that most people simply don’t and won’t care about me, which makes it easier to be myself since I don’t need to please them. One way I’ve learned to manage it is by doing a sit down with myself and almost making up a different reality where others won’t reject me or lose interest. In that setting, I think of how I might act and try to implement it in my life. Yet, in the back of my mind, I still expect most people to either lose interest in or reject me because it’s happened so often that it’s become the norm. It still hurts every time it does happen, but I allow myself to express my feelings in private, so that I can regulate my emotions. Sometimes, I’ve managed to communicate my feelings with others, but it usually ends in them not recognizing my feelings and/or pushing me away due to their discomfort. There have been a select number of people that have accepted me and maintain interest and I’ve learned to really appreciate them. Though, none of them have involved romantic relationships.
Highly relatable! This makes me very defensive and sensitive to any perceived criticism. I don't want to change, but to be accepted as I am right now - is the feeling. ASD
Well this has given a name to most of my interactions, especially with groups and employment. I have a few wonderful friends that I've gathered from different groups that I have been a part of. Friends, who do not usually know each other. Usually I can get no more than one personal friend per group. So I have to go shopping. :) I accept now that many people may be glad to see me when I show up, but will not think of me again after I leave. I'm forgettable. I've never been part of a group that includes me in their plans for a party or outing. There's nobody in my life who will call up a mutual friend and ask if they had seen me lately. Although I have a person friend who has offered to be my daily checkin friend to make sure I'm ok, as I live alone and am elderly. I just recently quit going to a regular meeting because I was feeling uncomfortable w/ RSD and wanted to put my energies into learning more about my autism. Since I just figured out I have it. But only now see why going to it was stressful. Thanks! Turns out, my whole day is filled with autism symptoms.
I suffer so badly with RSD. It’s so hard to explain, so thank you for making this clear and concise video, which I will use to help me explain my experiences with others. ❤️
I'm waiting for my ADHD assessment but everything I have found in my research resonates with me so much and it just explains my whole life. I have always felt like this from when i was a little kid, didn't know why.
I have depression so feeling I'm not good enough that though been thir since i was 7. We never choose to be born. ANd growing up not normal I feel like the weirdo of the family. Russell Brand meditaion video series helps negative thinking. It switches the depressed off after the techniques. It's biblicial moment were you out of your conciousness. That helps when depression gets to much.
Thankyou, you have just explained me. I too have lifetime of trauma, I have tried therapy. I won't let my walls down, and after a few months I'm looking for an out. In my head I will say or do something that means an end. I struggle to read body language
Really a great video with some awesome info and explains it really well, thank you! RSD has been hitting me hard lately and its comforting hearing other people deal with it too and hearing some mechanisms to help.
I realise that this has happened a lot to me in the past. I've been down a heck of an autism rabbit hole the last week or so thanks to your videos, and those of some other autistic creators on here. It's really resonating while I wait for my local Autism service to bring me in for assessment and diagnosis. Thank you.
Bless you Ella for putting simple & relatable words to our complex mental & emotional experiences. You are incredibly relatable & help me recognize 'things' & coping strategies. I feel like I need to unlearn & relearn, after a failed marriage, estranged from my girls & pushed practically all family & friends away 😪 I struggle immensely with attachment & relationships. Thank you for being a voice, a mentor & an encourager to many 😉❤
You described me and having had left field reactions that I had no clue were about to happen… always shocked me. It makes me paranoid. Fb is a great place to be paranoid.
Excellent and well-articulated explanation of what I have suffered all my life. I think CBT Therapy helps with this a lot. I will check out your other videos. Thank You.
I didn't know this was a term or something with a name to it until I stumbled across a bunch of videos completely at random. I just thought it was me. I never had many friends growing up, and was very shy and chronically bullied. So when I was 16, fell in love, and then the relationship ended badly (she dumped me); things got really bad for me. Everyone around me was like "oh, first love is the hardest, but you'll get over it." But no one mentioned how much pain their would be. I couldn't explain it to them, I couldn't localize it or put into words where or what exactly was hurting. Only thing I could do was run away from it, but that just made it worse by adding more pain on top of what was already there. No amount of running, or drugs would make the pain go away, so I tried twice to end the pain permanently. I don't know if that was luck, divine intervention, my fear of death, or my own blind stupidity, but neither of those attempts were successful. It was at that point I did the next best thing and crawled into a metaphorical hole, and stayed there for nearly 15 years. I did finally crawl out again, and was willing to put myself back into the world. Met someone, fell in love, thought she was the one, and again, ended in heartbreak, pain and I guess it's been another 15 years in another hole. Just turned 50, and realizing I've wasted 30 years of my life because the pain is so hard to deal with. I have so few friends because I am constantly afraid they don't like me, or I'm going to do or say something to ruin it. I'm 50 years old, and I'm here spilling my soul to strangers on the internet, that might not even get read. Mainly because with the Agoraphobia, I don't really have friends I talk to on a regular basis. I'm getting to the point where I don't know which hurts more, the RSD or the loneliness; or if it is just the same pain from the same source.
This video is aGem like you are purple and I have to share it with my therapist. I’m underdiagnosed and need more help. This video is a light bulb for me thank you dear Purple
I just signed up to watch your RUclips page. I have ASD, ADHD, DYSLEXIA, ANXIETY, AND A BUNCH OF PHOBIAS. It feels like every person on the planet either hates me or when they get to know me they will hate me. It seems like everything I do or say is wrong in some way. I've been labeled as smug and arrogant when that's not me at all. I even seem to make other autistic people mad at me eventually. Plus, on top of all of that, it seems like most people talk down to me like I'm the village idiot. I can't be that dumb since I have a masters degree, but that doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I want to have friends but I hate being around people. I guess you get my point. I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD late in life just a couple years ago. I have an ASD therapist I see but I bet she has never heard of this.
These days people are more self focused and less respectful and sympathetic. If people are being rude they are just not thinking about people's feelings. I used to really take it personally if people were disrespectful. But now I have realized if people show disrespect they just lack respect. Now I dont care if people are rude or snobby or laugh or make jokes at my expense or make a fuss about nothing. It has helped my adhd and r s d by not taking it personally what people say or do anymore. We will be less stressed if we care less. If we Ignore drama we will feel calmer. Be tough life is rough. Keep calm and carry on and be strong and you will never go wrong. It's best to keep it polite with people we are not friends with to avoid rude difficult self important people. We only have to answer to ourselves. Life is too short to let people get you down.
The feeling that every friendship/relationship is on an invisible timer before the other party is "done" with you. Very relatable.
this. explains. my. whole. life.
@@shan22777 since i got 13 :(
I haven't experienced this, HenryViii Fake.
@@shan22777 If they tell you what they need, it's reasonable, and you won't do them, you may have rejected them, Shan? On the other hand, I was rejected by my husband after my ADD diagnosis, who did it by "forgiving me for ruining his life." I had to get a divorce, even though I loved him.
OMG YES. Like it's only a matter of time before I feck it up. And then eventually, I indeed do and that person either drops me as a friend or takes a step wayyy back. How very sad for all of us who suffer from this. We all have to remember it isn't our fault and we're not bad people!
The emotional dysregulation aspect of ADHD should be studied much more extensively than it currently is. It’s SUCH a huge part of my ADHD experience.
It seems like volatile or dysregulated emotions in ADHD only get brought up in context with impulsivity and extraversion, when someone's excitement or overwhelm spills over, because in situations like that, they're obvious from the outside. However, I don't express emotion like that, at all. I don't even experience many feelings in real time - especially difficult ones tend to arrive with delay, or I only realize I have them once they're above some threshold level. I suppose I adapted to the world by internalizing everything. I agree that there needs to be more extensive documentation of the nuanced internal states and secondary effects of the condition. Things like rejection-sensitivity should be brought up when the diagnosis is made, even if it's not part of diagnostic criteria, because information like that is going to matter to the patient and their need to understand themselves and their condition. We _only_ get a diagnostic term and a prescription. The information flow between patient and doctor seems to only be going one way in the diagnostic process: to the doctor. They'll only register what's relevant to matching the manual's symptom catalogue. Humans are social creatures - being afraid of connection and rejection affects everything from job searches to a fulfilling private life! I was diagnosed in late 2018. The conversation seemed to assume that I already knew what it meant: having a hard time focusing, memorizing, and filtering/withstanding sensory information. I didn't know shit about all the further implications! The medication helps me do tasks a lot, yes. But I still majorly struggle to get my life together and I believe "invisible" aspects about the bigger picture of the condition have everything to do with it. I'm having myself put on the autism assessment waiting list, too, but they told me it was two years long.
My experience, also. I’m glad you brought that up.
Agreed! It's been such a huge part of my experience as well, and I'm shocked that I've only learned about it recently. When I heard there's a name for what I've been feeling my entire life, it all just clicked into place. But now I'm left wondering what I can do about it, and so I hope it is studied further.
The emotional aspect is probably even more relatable than the attention aspect. If it got more attention it might help ADHD's image as just not being able to focus on work.
This rejection sensitivity is soo painful. It’s so hard to manage.I find it very hard to handle my emotions when someone rejects or criticizes my motives. I also find it hard to hold tears back.
There was a time when I rejected a girl who confessed that she was crushing me. I said “I’m going to have to say that I’m not interested in you” then she said that I broke her heart. We weren’t even dating. Jeez! 😤
ikr, same
So do I. And then it replays in my brain for a long time.
Yes!!!! Trying to hold back tears is so hard.
Me too. Can't shake it and if I'm at work, it's terrible
My biggest fears are rejection and abandonment. Every time a friend disconnects from me, I feel gutted. I always get worried that my current friends and family members are mad at me or don’t want a relationship with me. It’s so painful.
I'm autistic and I have this. Many many autistics have this. It depends on our functioning, along with also trauma for growing up autistic in a neurotypical society, masking (people pleasing), low self esteem, also perfectionism, wanting control.
I have both Aspergers and ADHD Inattentive and have RSD
same I have autism ADHD and RSD
I’ve finally managed to push everyone away and have no one now. If anyone reading this still has anyone in their lives, please don’t let them go. This is hell. 💔
I am so very sorry. I really do understand.
I hope you find new friends and loved ones 🙏🏽❤️🍀
Look, I was just there. I’ve finally met someone after years of working on myself… still terrified but holding out hope… you can make it change… I promise
I can relate to what u r saying. I have learned that no human can give humans the love and acceptance that we desperately crave. The wonderful thing is I now trying to rely on God's love which is perfect and enough.
This resonates with me too much. It has reached the point where I notice myself avoiding situations where I think I might be rejected. For example, if friends meet up and I wasn't explicitly invited, I shy away from asking whether I can join because there's a chance they could say no, and I tell myself I don't ask because I want them to inrinsically contact me. It leaves me more lonely than I would have to be these days, and I struggle to fight it even though I fully understand where it's coming from and what events in my past have made me even more sensitive.
Edit: I was typing this while still in the middle of the video (what else do you expect from someone with ADHD) and now you got to the post-social-interaction catastrophizing and I'm in tears. I used to struggle just a little with that, but then there was a situation where somebody did indeed misunderstand me and it caused a huge rupture that lead to the very painful ending of a friendship very dear to me because it triggered their insecurities, and obviously that experience worsened my post-interactiion catastrophizing and haunts me in many situations as I'm desperately trying to avoid losing anybody else for such unnecessary reasons.
My daughter and I suffer from this, and adhd. I was just diagnosed with Autism and I want to thank you for having something to do with me seeking a diagnosis and accepting my own differences. You’re a wonderful advocate and I am so happy I’ve found your channel. ❤️
I feel rejected by my cat. I laughed at myself. but. it's automatic default response to distancing behavior.. but my cat? I am so glad i am not the only one, well it is a bit comforting. :)
Hahaha! Same! 🤣
Same XD
I feel rejected by both of my dogs 😭😭😭
This is by far the most painful aspect of my ADHD. It took me till only a few years ago to know this is a just another part of my adhd. I wish I would have known this years ago. I would have known that I wasn’t crazy.
OMG I am you. I get it. Have suffered with this condition my whole life only I just learned what it even was, let alone that it was on account of my ADHD. I'm 62 now! I can't even count the friendships/professional relationships I've irreparably damaged because of this.
I am 60 y.o.and also just learned of this. I am going to be evaluated for adhd in a week and a half. Due to my age and hormone changes, along with trauma throughout my life, I believe it has made things worse at my later age. I am trying hard to learn as much as possible so I can help myself in the future. I too, have had multiple relationship failures. How are you coping now?
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your experiences with us, Ella! I've struggled with this my whole life, too. Its caused me to isolate myself from potential friends so I don't inconvenience them with my presence (since of course they hate me, or will if I hang around long enough). Even if you assure me I'm not a burden, I'm convinced otherwise! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who does this
Grace you made me laugh! I needed that! Haven't laughed in ages.
I find it hard to put words to my feelings & experiences. I read your note & I'm like.... yup! 😆 yup! 😆
I wish I could laugh off the fear & anxiety that socializing causes. I dread it 😭. All the best to you love.
I leaned to deal with this by sort of rejecting others first, before they reject me.
preemptive rejection defense mechanism (patent pending)
Your video and your ability to verbalize the issue brought tears to my eyes. I've lost many friends, family and even my partner due to just never being able to commit completely in a relationship.
I had tried to explain it unsuccessfully, Maybe I lack the language to explain it or I was under a denial of my actions that I regretted later. I will share this video with anyone who is close enough to me.
:(
i recently learned that RSD is a thing, thanks to a friend of mine who also has adhd. knowing that the intense fear i feel after most (if not all) social interactions, however brief or 'meaningless' those interactions are, is not a fault of mine, has been incredibly freeing. i've always had a habit of hyper-analyzing interactions with acquaintences and friends until i convince myself that i somehow massively fucked up and thus have given them reason to hate me, even if i received zero "negative" reactions from them and both of us were happy the entire time.
now that i know about RSD, i catch myself hyper-analyzing old interactions on a daily basis. being able to go "oh, i'm only thinking this because of RSD," is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. not only does it explain years and years of "self-made" stress (irrational stress that i was convinced was based on reason), but it saves me from the stress of every single social interaction i'll have in the future. knowing that the dread, fear, and pain i feel after having fun with friends & meeting new people is only a result of my brain fucking me over has improved my life almost as much as getting on medication has.
"post social interaction catastrophizing" is a phrase that perfectly describes something that i previously had no clue how to describe. it'll probably stick with me for the rest of my life. so, thank you. thank you very, very much for sharing your experience. it's helped me an incredible amount, and i'm sure it's helped thousands of other people, too.
This is something that’s been really hard for me to deal with my whole life as well. Even the smallest off-hand comment from someone who I rationally know loves me will really hit hard, really hurt-and they’ll have no clue. Still, intentional or not, those little (or sometimes big) things sting so so badly, the tears come automatically, I just can’t help it.
I also have trauma that makes this even harder, one being having a great group of friends up through the end of 5th grade and then the first day of 6th grade, every single one of those kids straight up refused to acknowledge my existence. I guess masking and being able to make people laugh to accept me was no longer enough as the rest of the kids became way more socially aware. Oh well, their loss! 😋 But yes, I completely feel what you say about past trauma interacting with RSD, it’s.....rough.
Also, forgot to add, I can even experience RSD from animals! An animal (say, a cat-I LOVE cats) is fine one second, and the next they bite/scratch, oooooooh boy, here comes that RSD pain, the waterworks, etc.
I can totally relate to your post you are not alone
My girlfriend just went to go take a nap because she was tired and she thought the documentary i was watching was a little cheesy. she just made a little joke about that and now i'm sitting here sobbing.
Thank you for making this video and making me feel less alone
I'm 34, just diagnosed and just learning the terminology for all of the things I've felt my entire life....it's kind of mind blowing
It's nice to have a name for what I've been experiencing most of my life. It's gotten worse over time, mainly because of an accumulation of rejection over a few decades. My default assumption is that anyone I interact with will, given time, reject me. So I keep my relationships as superficial and few as possible.
I first heard about this about a week ago, and I was stunned. This is me exactly. Thank you so much for talking about it!
This all hit home so much……
And when you mentioned the dog……I thought I was the only person who ever felt that way!!!
So frustrating
This topic should be talked about more, thank you for spreading the knowledge, it's very helpful for those who feel RSD.
WOW! This describes me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I waa diagnosed WITH ADHD 17 Yrs ago. I told my psych how I scored really high on two of the spectrum disorder tests online and he dismissed me right away. But after watching this video I can say with a certainty that I have this RSD. But it's mostly with my husband and it has put such a strain on our marriage. He says that nothing he does for me ever good enough for me. He says I demand perfection or I feel offended and rejected by him daily and throughout the day and so we constantly bicker 😞 His personality is one that I feel is offensive. He jokes about things in regards to me or is critical of me ( he doesn't acknowledge most of it ) he's corrective and UGH! Its aggravating. Sometimes I get he gets frustrated at my brain fog and impulsitivity but just don't have a clue where to go from here. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
It's amazing how openly you talk about your RSD issues. I feel much less alone and less like a burden now
i wish more people understood just how difficult ADHD is to live with & its not just being hyper all the time
am sobbing && that would trigger my insecurities top if my cat would do that God wtf 😭😭😭
Excellent well stated!!! Finally someone who can explain what my wonderful wife/partner goes through. You have given us both a path for health, healing, love, and peace. Again publicly I will say... “ I love you Kate, that’s not going to change “.
You don't even know how validating this video was for me. Hearing you describe your own experiences with this, outside of a few minor personal details, was like listening to myself describe what I thought was just me being overly sensitive for as long as I can remember. I never thought other people experienced this on the same level that I do and it always made me feel so alone. I've never felt such a wave of pure relief and validation sweep over me before. I think this is one of the few times when the RUclips algorithm showed me exactly what I needed to see exactly when I needed to see it. Thank you, thank you so much, for making me feel so much less alone. I think I have a lot of research to do.
Thank you for this useful and succinct description. It is good to hear this more nuanced description because it explains there is a difference between this motivated by ASD/ADHD responses and that motivated by symptoms of BPD. There are overlaps in symptoms in these two very different diagnoses and what you've said shows that it is not the same as fear of abandonment as in BPD.
The word dysphoria sums it up very well, that is the feeling exactly, and the thought that I may have upset someone somehow is mortifying and never part of the intention or my expectation - the subsequent ruminations always still come as a surprise - like, I may have enjoyed my interaction with persons and left feeling everyone was happy, but I will still find my mind questioning things and cringing or feeling uncomfortable.
Me to.
I wouldn't be surprised if people have ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder and C-PTSD at the same time. The abuse and neglect children with Autism, ADHD does leave them sometimes deeply traumatized.
Yep. I’m confused. All four overlap.
I once dated this guy and I was supposed to follow him with my car and he took off way too fast and I got lost so I asked him for the address and he thought it was incredibly stupid. He lost respect for me after that suddenly it was a big deal that I was younger and less mature than him I eventually broke up with him because I didn’t want to have that isolation anymore. I haven’t forgotten how easy it was to be rejected for who I am for a simple mistake of difficulty doing something that other people think is easy. I’ve been rejected like that a lot in my life but that example stands out
the one about really going over a social interaction and analyzing it and worrying about it resonated with me
I've had to work very hard on this one. My best strategy to cope with this has been to recognise it as a disorder, a chemical imbalance if you will. I try to think of alternate explanations and buy myself time, enough time to wait for more information until i'm more sure and don't have to make assumptions that usually lead me to negative reactions.
I’m very scared of making mistakes in what I’m doing. Or just being wrong. I do my absolute best to not make such mistakes, and put so much time and energy into it because…well, when I do I get that pang of rejection, terror of thoughts that people will then laugh at and bully me, and so on.
I also have issues waiting on someone’s reply. Worse when I really like the person. I taught myself the exact same thing you described, making a mental exercise of “okay but what if ”. I didn’t realize how important that was for my health and how deeply I have this problem until now.
Long winded way to say, thank you so much fir making this video.
I’m actually in the midst of working through an episode this very moment. Your video is timely! Thank you for sharing your examples 💗
I heard a lot about myself in this video 🤔
I have a personal theory of RSD and that has to do with the nature of the ADHD brain like you said that negative experiences are indeed more magnified vs the neurotypical brains. For example, the way my undiagnosed ADHD, narcissist parents who are in denial has abusively shaped my life with physical, emotional, psychological abuse and totally incorrect parenting while giving me the most unsupportive communicative methods like, "Because in Korean tradition and culture you have to respect your elders." "Because the bible says to obey and respect your parents, you do as we say even if we are wrong." (I had a couple of hospitalizations, and near death experiences due to that as well as me just acting out with ADHD). I was even expelled from kindergarten because 3 third grade students bullied me and punched me in the face when they asked if I had any money. I first said I didn't, then gave them an apple from my lunch with a smile trying to be friendly because I didn't understand what the word chink meant during my kindergarten year or that they were trying to extort money from me, or so I thought they were poor people asking for financial assistance or they were hungry. I was taking taekwondo with a yellow or purple belt and was told not to punch or kick anybody unless you are caught in a fight and you reveal they have no intention of letting you go or backing you into a corner. I did follow this rule only to have my arse beat by my own father and then being told I'm completely stupid and don't know about society or politics and shamed me and told me to never do that or another punishment will be there for me... I was never taught a lot of things and still severely and unjustly beaten for things never taught the thought life should be fair or is fair never resonated with me. This is when my Oppositional Defiant Disorder and anti-authoritarian attitude kicked which developed narcissism and a defensive ego and survival instincts. Didn't know I might've been set up because I may have annoyed/offended someone with political power and social connections while I was in kindergarten in an elementary school in Beverly Hills, California. Looking back at my childhood, how my parents neglected in raising me as they were Dry Cleaner owners working from 9am-9pm Mon-Sat and Sunday going to St. Gregory Nazianzen Catholic Church. I have to say that the most painful, most tragic and horrible times of my life were my childhood.
Unfortunately, I'm still undiagnosed in my late 30s and was told I'm using my willpower the wrong way, I'm just a lazy arse.... They stopped calling me by my name and instead call me "You" and then do this or that as if I'm not human or even beneath their dogs which have names... You might be able to tell just from this how much detail I'm glossing over in my life. I grew up in Beverly Hills, California but my parents lived way above their means and didn't see me as a human but instead a tool or somebody to take advantage of mostly due to their ADHD and other co-morbidities.
So, I can deeply understand trauma and that accepting a different lifestyle that you have a loving husband and that your dog loves you doesn't resonate nor is conducive to the primitive survival instinct part of your previously and deeply traumatized lifestyle from the perception you used to have. Pain, suffering, negativity are things that all brains are naturally wired to remember forever due to the fact that our brains are wired to survive and adapt in any and all situations to the best of our abilities and understanding. So, that scar, the habits, the lessons we've learned from past pain and suffering probably will stay with us forever but we can only make repeated attempts to re-condition ourselves and adapt to a new lifestyle.
I'll stop here before I end up writing and ranting too much. Thanks for the read.
this has effected me my whole life.
How did you manage to capture my thoughts and feelings so perfectly? Did you execute some kind of elaborate, The Matrix meets Mission Impossible meets Inception type stunt, whereby you infilitrated my house in the darkest depths of night, chloroformed my still-not-sleeping-because-I'm-a-pirennial-insomniac form, and planted some sort of bug in my head?! Because those are my thoughts and feelings, almost to the letter. Whenever I make a new acquaintance / colleague / friend / romantic partner, etc, whatever their neurotype, I always feel like I'll soon be "too much" and am already on borrowed time.
Thank you for another beautifully articulated, wholly relateable video!
This, every day. The trouble is that I can recognize it and figure out just where my thought pattern has gone off the rails, and yet STILL experience the same feelings vividly like some phantom pain
Wow, very insightful. Thank you so much for sharing. A lot of this really hit home, especially the part about people responding to texts.
you have no idea how painful this is and the life it leads you into , the shame from one own personality, being imposter and people pleasing
So glad to see that this is an actual disorder and I am not just odd for getting really upset for being 'rejected' by an infant!😅 Thank you for being so brave, honest and open in sharing your story.
You've been such a rainbow in my life. I'm so thankfull for your vlogs please keep doing what your doing so many of us need you Purple Ella. ❤ 🌈
I can recognise things and I know that it's not the end of the world, but it comes to a point where people aren't meeting your needs and that's not fair that people push you to be irrational bcoz the person you love just doesn't seem to understand and want to meet me half way, I just always feel like I'm behind glass
Great video! I also experience RSD. Although it also helps me to pause and think through things rationally, it never solves that painful feeling of rejection. It's such a strange experience to force yourself to think through things rationally even while your emotions are telling you you're wrong.
So true! ❤️
Helpful to have a name for a condition and straedgy that runs along with the self-isolation that can occur in a mix of ASD an ADHD. Still hurts but a pause inserts itself.
Thank you for talking about this it must of not been easy. For me it is the worst part of having adhd. My childhood was very hard and was bullyed every day for being different. I lose most of my family when i was really young to illness. So the feeling of being abandoned and rejected is so high. I become a people pleaser and lost myself. This also made me a narcissist magnet. I would think they where my friend but it was just because i was easy to use.
This really hits home with me, 😢 I’ve literally struggled with this and the pain it’s caused all my life, I’m only just now learning to understand what RSD actually is and how it’s linked with my ADHD. Thankyou Ella
I feel seen! Thank you for making this. Like you, I’ve only learned about RSD recently and it has really helped to be aware of when it’s happening. Just a couple of days ago I had an experience with it and caught myself before I got too distressed. Oh, and I have experienced RSD with animals too - glad to discover I’m not the only one. I’m self diagnosed autistic and I think very likely I have ADHD as well - my life has never made quite so much sense as when seen in that context!
That sounds really uncomfortable and painful to have to deal with all the time.
Also, one of the best descriptions of dog-human relationship.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD (inattentive type) a number of years ago and I’m just now piecing together that I’m also likely autistic. I relate so much to some of you and Samdy Sam’s videos on your experiences and this video in particular is so relatable. Thank you for making the content that you do. 💜
This describes me all too well. Looming rejection affects everything I do...and everything I don't do. I have a past of childhood abuse and abandonment from my first husband that compounds the fear, but I also recognize the missed autism diagnosis has played its role, too. Communication is so hard for me and I rarely trust the outcome of any attempt at it. I replay conversations in my head again and again looking for my mistakes and evidence of how stupid or annoying I must really be to people. For this reason I love to write versus speaking so that I can better frame my thoughts. However, even then I don't feel 100% comfortable. Even as I type this here, I am reminded I will likely feel I came across foolish, long-winded, and feel rejected. You see, I don't often get a response to any comments I make on RUclips or anywhere, for that matter, so even that becomes a means to feeling rejection. I used to blog but stopped because it's the same thing. I even wrote a memoir, had it published, but couldn't bear the selling aspect because no sells=personal rejection for me. So off of social media entirely, no promotional jazz for me. To venture back out into even sharing comments here on RUclips is major for me. So many times have I typed something out only to delete it, rewrite, delete again. When I finally feel satisfied enough to post, I check too often to see if I have responses in the hopes someone finally gets me and, usually finding none, chalk it up to being too late to the conversation, irrelevant, and unwanted...even in the autism community, where I hope to feel wanted. Because, yes, I am very introverted. I may be quiet, awkward, and not terribly interested in many social norms, but I do crave connection in my heart of hearts. I believe we are each created with that longing. At any rate, thanks for this and a place to unload all these locked up thoughts.
And this is why I don't usually say anything anymore...two days later and here I am checking and hoping like the pathetic thing I am that I will get some sort of response. 🙄 I would join a group to hope for interaction there but cannot afford to pay, as much as I would like to and know you deserve it.
Hey I recognized that you've wrote this comment on how bad your rejection sensitivity dysphoria is and I now understand what it is like for you and how difficult it may be to control and even in some things like writing a RUclips comment and not receiving anything responses back may also trigger them. Just so you know I trust in you in that your feelings are extremely valid, you are definitely NOT irrelevant or UNimportant in cases of even perceived rejection and criticism and can reach to your head. I promise you not your not alone as I feel rejection at a very harsh level too and often get pondered and absorbed through it for hours and maybe even days. These thoughts then get obsessive which may be hard to live with this condition. I also don't like how feelings to worthlessness are involved too because then it leads to breaking down (at least for me). When I saw your comment I knew that I should reach out to you because our minds have a way of shaping the way we think in situations which makes believe we are not enough to reach our expectations or others' expectations too. I am still coping and I know me writing will not cure your condition but I just wanted to let you a kind message to remember we are in this together and that thoughts and rejection has a way of screwing brains when we actually aren't of what we think. I also had some coping skills they might work ex: what I do is knowing that they don't actually care about me and that everybody forgets and doesn't care about it to focus on it so that means it is 100% okay not care because it is only in my head. In your case, you felt rejection because you were not getting responses but in reality it may be would because that you were not getting enough exposure. If it did get exposure (like it did to me when I saw your comment) I immediately wanted to write this if there were others who felt stuck and swarmed to negative thoughts and they saw this, many of step in and would also feel very compelled to write and emphasize too! I know it was hard for me but each step on the way I kept reminding myself and even cried many many times due to not handling it and I'm not saying it will be easy for you too. It is so hard to think rationally due to being blocked by rejection and thinking that you are the problem. But I believe in you because you and that people like you are this world and feel hopeless to reach out and when they try to even the littlest things hold them back. I apologize if I have grammar or repetition mistakes and it's not cause I don't care about them I just am a person to struggles with grammar and accidentally repeating words and phrases personally, but I do care A BUNCH about your situation! Please keep going!!! You deserve recognition!! 💕
@@springyroll3412 I don't have the words right now to thank you properly, but know this means so much to me! Just to know I am seen and understood helps tremendously. I am definitely further down the road than when I started recognizing things in myself, but I know there is a long way yet to go. Knowing others are on a similar journey is such an encouragement to keep going. Blessings to you! ❤️
@@marisa5359 No thank YOU! It also feels like such a blessing and I am very appreciative when people tell their story of what they've went through and your time will get there you are deserving of everything in the world and people will reach out to you. Also I'm super glad that you're going well down your journey and I hope you go down from there and make amazing people. I also keep reminding myself things to fight my rsd and i am just so happy to see someone fight too! People like you in this world want to reach out and seen like you do and so do I do say again to please keep your head high!! I'm wishing you luck and hope more than my life!!! I wish you have an amazing day, year, and an wonderful life with positivity and beauty that awaits you on your journey to everything!!! WE KEEP CHUGGING AND GETTING BETTER!!! 😁 ❤️
It's wild that someone as pleasant as you would feel this way. I also feel like this all the time, even with my dog, even though I know rationally that I'm not too bad to be around.
I’m definitely a people pleaser. This has had a huge impact in my jobs. If they’ve been critical or sarcastic I immediately thought they didn’t like me even when I knew they did this to all trainees!
Thank you for this video. I was recently diagnosed as neuro-divergent and can relate so completely with many of the situations that you describe - especially for texting to apologise after social events, and waiting nervously for instant replies to texts that I have spent hours writing. Hearing you put a name to this has been incredibly liberating for me and looking back at my childhood (40+ years ago), I can even identify many possible triggers/aggravating factors that I can associate with this.
I totally identify with you!! Thank you for sharing your experiences!! cheers
I resonate with this too much. At some point I feel even worse with people that I really care about. Like if they stop liking me, it'll hurt even more, then I start acting weird around them in an atempt to keep them in my life. Eventually I push them away by doing this. It sucks.
Ella, I also have ASD and ADHD which I only just found out about this year, and your videos have been helping me so much. Just the coincidence that you released this one today, after a very painful RSD situation with roommates that occured last night. I never heard of this before. Thank you so much for releasing this today, it will really clear up the extreme stress I've been feeling from rejection I'm perceiving from my roommates
Thanks! This was an amazing video for me. The comment about expectations and text messages at about 7:47 was spot on for me. This is the first “Thanks” I’ve ever given though I didn’t know about this feature. 😅
Thank you and I’m so glad the video was helpful
Thank you for giving words to everything going on inside me
I've been going through some stuff at work recently and stumbled across the video in my feed... omg I have this and it makes so much sense. Even with people who do reject me it engraves the finding that I dont belong and I'm not good enough when most of the time that's not the Case. The problem with me is that it's hard for me to change the way I think about this without first going through the emotions and having a mini meltdown before I can logically think through it. I haven't been diagnosed yet but am seeking a diagnosis of autism because I'm 100% sure I have it. But this explains so much of what I've been experiencing lately.
This is so painfully accurate, down to the pet thing where you are paranoid if your pets love/like you which blew me away. Like this video is creepy accurate. I experience all if not just about everything talked about in the video. I only just found out I have RSD and its been destroying me. It feels like i cant just have a completely happy or neutral day anymore. I cant go more than a day or two without having a mental breakdown recently. Like I have all three: ADHD, Autism, and now apparently RSD and it sucks. I didnt want to admit it out of a fear of self diagnosing which i have a strong repulsion to, and i didnt want to believe I had something like RSD, but literally can't say i dont have it anymore. I wish it would go away but you can't cure a mental disorder, and I just got it out of the blue and its been getting worse and worse. It feels so unfair. Thank you for this video though, its nice to hear someone so similar to me experience wise so I feel like less of a nutjob and know its not just me being crazy and theres something wrong with me specifically and everyone else is normal.
I've avoided creating relationships specifically because of RSD. I run away from everything. And the ones I didn't run away from were ended without my choice and destroyed me. For decades!
I actually found out about this a while ago and mentioned it to my therapist last week and she didn't really say much about it. This week, she brought it up as if something brand new. Thankfully I already figured out she is ND is some way so I just rolled with it.
I never related to anything more, honestly I always struggled with this and I just always thought I'm the only one and because I'm strange and a complete alien. It feels so good to see someone else talking about these feelings.
Thank you for talking about this. It has developed over the years and sometimes makes it hard to breathe with another occurrence.
Wow. This is just like hearing my own thoughts and emotions. Thanks for your videos.
This is a symptom commonly seen in CPTSD (complex trauma). I think being neurodivergent can lead to an increased risk of emotional neglect and rejection, which in turn increases the risk of developing complex trauma. It also feeds itself by getting you to self isolate in preparation of rejection.
Well this just made something in my life I have always had make so much sense. And feel less, frankly, off kilter. Thanks Purple Ella!
This sounds familiar. I worry a lot that I have upset people and usually it isn't even true. I know that most people won't want to be friends with me. Thankfully, I have a small circle of ND friends. I also have a loving boyfriend who sounds a bit like Mr. Purple.
Sounds like me
I’ve never connected/related more to any video on RUclips.
Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Actually came to the same conclusion recently, RSD being programmed in by the non acceptance of others. Thank you for so much for being brave enough to share your experiences with us all here.
It's very sad when the rejections comes from family and children. Family are supposed to care about us unfailingly. It's sad when a parents rejects.
I have gone through two periods in my life when I experienced a great deal of rejection. In both cases, I resorted to hiding as much as possible from the person(s) who were rejecting me. In both cases, I found much later, they felt that I was rejecting them.
Oh my gosh, Purple Ella, I had never heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria before and now I know I have it in spades. Thank you so much.
I’m realizing that I’ve had RSD most of my life. I’ve come to realize that most people simply don’t and won’t care about me, which makes it easier to be myself since I don’t need to please them.
One way I’ve learned to manage it is by doing a sit down with myself and almost making up a different reality where others won’t reject me or lose interest. In that setting, I think of how I might act and try to implement it in my life.
Yet, in the back of my mind, I still expect most people to either lose interest in or reject me because it’s happened so often that it’s become the norm.
It still hurts every time it does happen, but I allow myself to express my feelings in private, so that I can regulate my emotions. Sometimes, I’ve managed to communicate my feelings with others, but it usually ends in them not recognizing my feelings and/or pushing me away due to their discomfort.
There have been a select number of people that have accepted me and maintain interest and I’ve learned to really appreciate them. Though, none of them have involved romantic relationships.
Highly relatable! This makes me very defensive and sensitive to any perceived criticism. I don't want to change, but to be accepted as I am right now - is the feeling. ASD
Well this has given a name to most of my interactions, especially with groups and employment. I have a few wonderful friends that I've gathered from different groups that I have been a part of. Friends, who do not usually know each other. Usually I can get no more than one personal friend per group. So I have to go shopping. :)
I accept now that many people may be glad to see me when I show up, but will not think of me again after I leave. I'm forgettable. I've never been part of a group that includes me in their plans for a party or outing. There's nobody in my life who will call up a mutual friend and ask if they had seen me lately. Although I have a person friend who has offered to be my daily checkin friend to make sure I'm ok, as I live alone and am elderly. I just recently quit going to a regular meeting because I was feeling uncomfortable w/ RSD and wanted to put my energies into learning more about my autism. Since I just figured out I have it. But only now see why going to it was stressful. Thanks! Turns out, my whole day is filled with autism symptoms.
I suffer so badly with RSD. It’s so hard to explain, so thank you for making this clear and concise video, which I will use to help me explain my experiences with others. ❤️
5:25 Oh my god I wrote this in my diary so many damn times, it's a worry that never goes away even if I've hung out with some people for a year
Thank you for giving me the words I've been trying to find to explain myself for so long.
I've never had a term for it before but now I know. This has been making wreckage of my life for more than 50 years.
Thanks for this PE I have ASD with ADHD and I struggle with this. Made a new friend lately but spoiled it by being too much!
I'm waiting for my ADHD assessment but everything I have found in my research resonates with me so much and it just explains my whole life. I have always felt like this from when i was a little kid, didn't know why.
Thank you so much for sharing. It helps to know other people suffer with this along side ADHD.
I have depression so feeling I'm not good enough that though been thir since i was 7. We never choose to be born. ANd growing up not normal I feel like the weirdo of the family. Russell Brand meditaion video series helps negative thinking. It switches the depressed off after the techniques. It's biblicial moment were you out of your conciousness. That helps when depression gets to much.
Your emotions are okay. It's okay to feel them fully. It's valid, especially valid for your own self. Love and take care of yourself.
This was triggering and kind of a good way, I can relate to this far too well. Courageous of you to make this video, well done
Thankyou, you have just explained me. I too have lifetime of trauma, I have tried therapy. I won't let my walls down, and after a few months I'm looking for an out. In my head I will say or do something that means an end. I struggle to read body language
Your explanations of this describe my life quite a bit.
Really a great video with some awesome info and explains it really well, thank you! RSD has been hitting me hard lately and its comforting hearing other people deal with it too and hearing some mechanisms to help.
Omg! This crippled my personal life for years…
I realise that this has happened a lot to me in the past. I've been down a heck of an autism rabbit hole the last week or so thanks to your videos, and those of some other autistic creators on here. It's really resonating while I wait for my local Autism service to bring me in for assessment and diagnosis. Thank you.
Bless you Ella for putting simple & relatable words to our complex mental & emotional experiences. You are incredibly relatable & help me recognize 'things' & coping strategies.
I feel like I need to unlearn & relearn, after a failed marriage, estranged from my girls & pushed practically all family & friends away 😪
I struggle immensely with attachment & relationships.
Thank you for being a voice, a mentor & an encourager to many 😉❤
You described me and having had left field reactions that I had no clue were about to happen… always shocked me. It makes me paranoid.
Fb is a great place to be paranoid.
Excellent and well-articulated explanation of what I have suffered all my life. I think CBT Therapy helps with this a lot. I will check out your other videos. Thank You.
I didn't know this was a term or something with a name to it until I stumbled across a bunch of videos completely at random. I just thought it was me. I never had many friends growing up, and was very shy and chronically bullied. So when I was 16, fell in love, and then the relationship ended badly (she dumped me); things got really bad for me. Everyone around me was like "oh, first love is the hardest, but you'll get over it." But no one mentioned how much pain their would be. I couldn't explain it to them, I couldn't localize it or put into words where or what exactly was hurting. Only thing I could do was run away from it, but that just made it worse by adding more pain on top of what was already there. No amount of running, or drugs would make the pain go away, so I tried twice to end the pain permanently. I don't know if that was luck, divine intervention, my fear of death, or my own blind stupidity, but neither of those attempts were successful. It was at that point I did the next best thing and crawled into a metaphorical hole, and stayed there for nearly 15 years. I did finally crawl out again, and was willing to put myself back into the world. Met someone, fell in love, thought she was the one, and again, ended in heartbreak, pain and I guess it's been another 15 years in another hole. Just turned 50, and realizing I've wasted 30 years of my life because the pain is so hard to deal with. I have so few friends because I am constantly afraid they don't like me, or I'm going to do or say something to ruin it. I'm 50 years old, and I'm here spilling my soul to strangers on the internet, that might not even get read. Mainly because with the Agoraphobia, I don't really have friends I talk to on a regular basis. I'm getting to the point where I don't know which hurts more, the RSD or the loneliness; or if it is just the same pain from the same source.
This video is aGem like you are purple and I have to share it with my therapist. I’m underdiagnosed and need more help. This video is a light bulb for me thank you dear Purple
I just signed up to watch your RUclips page. I have ASD, ADHD, DYSLEXIA, ANXIETY, AND A BUNCH OF PHOBIAS. It feels like every person on the planet either hates me or when they get to know me they will hate me. It seems like everything I do or say is wrong in some way. I've been labeled as smug and arrogant when that's not me at all. I even seem to make other autistic people mad at me eventually. Plus, on top of all of that, it seems like most people talk down to me like I'm the village idiot. I can't be that dumb since I have a masters degree, but that doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I want to have friends but I hate being around people. I guess you get my point. I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD late in life just a couple years ago. I have an ASD therapist I see but I bet she has never heard of this.
These days people are more self focused and less respectful and sympathetic. If people are being rude they are just not thinking about people's feelings. I used to really take it personally if people were disrespectful. But now I have realized if people show disrespect they just lack respect. Now I dont care if people are rude or snobby or laugh or make jokes at my expense or make a fuss about nothing. It has helped my adhd and r s d by not taking it personally what people say or do anymore. We will be less stressed if we care less. If we Ignore drama we will feel calmer. Be tough life is rough. Keep calm and carry on and be strong and you will never go wrong. It's best to keep it polite with people we are not friends with to avoid rude difficult self important people. We only have to answer to ourselves. Life is too short to let people get you down.