6:30 video starts with 7 triggers 1)saying I love you. May feel like it’s too soon. 2) future talking. Master of future talking. Then they can become elusive. Commitment to the action. 3) conflict can be triggering. Conflict was a signal of danger. Stay present. 4) commitment. It can feel like encroaching on their freedom. 2 of you rising together 5) boundary violations. They need to be respected. Ask permission. 6)demanding behavior. Delivery makes all the difference. Language matters and making requests. 7)criticism. It ignites their deepest fears.
Mine was an LDR for 3 months. I was going to be attending a conference in her city and she was super excited about it. Talking about all the things she wanted to do with me and show me. Ghosted me in the middle of a conversation the day before I was flying in. Totally bummed me out. I haven't heard from her since. I'm pretty secure, but she did trigger my anxious side and I chased for a few weeks. I wish I had known about all this before this happened.
If I only understood this earlier I could have saved each other from pain and confusion found in disunity and provided clarity and direction towards integration. Thank you for your coaching and distinctions into healing the avoidant/anxious life trap dynamic.
She talked engagement and moving in.. her idea on engagement .. and I was ready we were one week from moving in and she ended it..yes I am Anxious her DA..
Everyone is different: in my experience she seemed to be addicted more to attention than love. She compartmentalized everything. It did feel to me much like a player energy. Lie by omission, extremely independent, constantly out and about, bringing in new friends, new endeavors, it’s all very passive aggressive controlling. By that I mean if she filled up her schedule she wouldn’t have to spend more than enough time than she leftover to spend with me. It’s deceptive and manipulative as well. Whether they realize they or doing it or realize how it hurts you is of no point. It’s how they operate. The interesting thing was during Covid. I would tell her that was the best out relationship ever was. Because I finally felt closeness and a sense of normalcy. So change is totally possible. Their fears rule over their feelings. And they slip back into what’s comfortable.
I am the avoidance one. I was married 43 years and I felt I was so much at fault because I could not learn ASL and she was qualified $50 per hour. I loved her . Then she got ataxia. Doctor gave her 3 years I got 7 years. I am afraid of being the same for relationships. As I feel so ashamed. I considered I had a great marriage but I couldn't please her.
Thank tou for this information! I have been trying to get out of the talking stage with a guy who is definitely my soulmate i know thats cliche, but this has been helping me figure out if this is a person who i can form a relationship with and heal also with, when and how to set th w boundaries so to know if or when i should walk away as well. Tho im hoping by addressing the hot cold issues with jim when we get close will help change behavior in time.
Spot on...wish I'd been clearer on these things but I have done some things right which is encouraging. I'm going to learn more in case I meet another one or perhaps help the past one as a friend!
I have been married to an anxious avoidant man for 36 years. I felt it immediately but knew nothing about attachment styles. It has tumultuous, tormenting and exhausting. The only way we are in harmony is for me to leave him alone and ask for nothing. I am financially dependent on him so divorce is a terrifying option at the age of 67. So how do I navigate this feeling so very lonely?
6:30 video starts with 7 triggers
1)saying I love you. May feel like it’s too soon.
2) future talking. Master of future talking. Then they can become elusive. Commitment to the action.
3) conflict can be triggering. Conflict was a signal of danger. Stay present.
4) commitment. It can feel like encroaching on their freedom. 2 of you rising together
5) boundary violations. They need to be respected. Ask permission.
6)demanding behavior. Delivery makes all the difference. Language matters and making requests.
7)criticism. It ignites their deepest fears.
Mine was an LDR for 3 months. I was going to be attending a conference in her city and she was super excited about it. Talking about all the things she wanted to do with me and show me. Ghosted me in the middle of a conversation the day before I was flying in. Totally bummed me out. I haven't heard from her since. I'm pretty secure, but she did trigger my anxious side and I chased for a few weeks. I wish I had known about all this before this happened.
God I never realized how prevalent these issues are in relationships. I can’t believe other people go through this
If I only understood this earlier I could have saved each other from pain and confusion found in disunity and provided clarity and direction towards integration. Thank you for your coaching and distinctions into healing the avoidant/anxious life trap dynamic.
Same i swear my anxious behaviour ruined it
She talked engagement and moving in.. her idea on engagement .. and I was ready we were one week from moving in and she ended it..yes I am Anxious her DA..
Do they respect our ( anxious) sensitivities???
If an avoidant wants independence why do they chase or pull you into a relationship?
Thank you for your question, I think you’ll find this short helpful: ruclips.net/user/shortsfKpsUqCt4jU?si=rzhA9BaG9TBfQ22-
Because they too desire intimacy but are scared of it..their core wounds surface..and they flee..or pull away..
Everyone is different: in my experience she seemed to be addicted more to attention than love. She compartmentalized everything. It did feel to me much like a player energy. Lie by omission, extremely independent, constantly out and about, bringing in new friends, new endeavors, it’s all very passive aggressive controlling. By that I mean if she filled up her schedule she wouldn’t have to spend more than enough time than she leftover to spend with me. It’s deceptive and manipulative as well. Whether they realize they or doing it or realize how it hurts you is of no point. It’s how they operate. The interesting thing was during Covid. I would tell her that was the best out relationship ever was. Because I finally felt closeness and a sense of normalcy. So change is totally possible. Their fears rule over their feelings. And they slip back into what’s comfortable.
This will help me abundantly in communicating my needs to my avoidant partner.
My ex was only really “ intimate “ touchy feely when drinking but shut down when not. So they need it but it’s shame based mindset due to abuse issues
Thank you for sharing! 🙏
This is very enlightening. Thank You
I am the avoidance one. I was married 43 years and I felt I was so much at fault because I could not learn ASL and she was qualified $50 per hour. I loved her . Then she got ataxia. Doctor gave her 3 years I got 7 years. I am afraid of being the same for relationships. As I feel so ashamed. I considered I had a great marriage but I couldn't please her.
This is awesome thank you so much
I wish I learned these things a couple of years ago, I would have navigated my relationship differently with more ease
Thank tou for this information! I have been trying to get out of the talking stage with a guy who is definitely my soulmate i know thats cliche, but this has been helping me figure out if this is a person who i can form a relationship with and heal also with, when and how to set th w boundaries so to know if or when i should walk away as well. Tho im hoping by addressing the hot cold issues with jim when we get close will help change behavior in time.
I wish we had seen this two weeks ago. I’m positive that things will work out however definitely helpful Mahalo
Spot on...wish I'd been clearer on these things but I have done some things right which is encouraging. I'm going to learn more in case I meet another one or perhaps help the past one as a friend!
I’m glad the video resonates. I hope it helps you on your journey.
it is not you responsibility to help/save them. choose yourself!
I have been married to an anxious avoidant man for 36 years. I felt it immediately but knew nothing about attachment styles. It has tumultuous, tormenting and exhausting. The only way we are in harmony is for me to leave him alone and ask for nothing. I am financially dependent on him so divorce is a terrifying option at the age of 67. So how do I navigate this feeling so very lonely?
I guess my anxious side ruined my relationship with my DA ex i literally did the exact opposite of wat i should do
What if we are both avoidant
Your first one I heard to say from manipulation.. like sexual abuse..
Open heart
Yeah but when you leave the door for them to join your trip they'll freak out and break up with you!!!
Do you talk about the other anxious attachment styles or just avoidant?
Open heart 😅❤
Yup, this reaffirms I would avoid avoidants! No thanks.
Only God could dream this up... Life doesn't need to be this complicated. The is what The Universe lives for..... DRAMA
You’re gorgeous :)
What's wrong with the low volume level on this?
Must be your phone. It sounds fine to me.
Open heart