Have you had any experience with unrequited love? Let us know in the comments below or we have a discussion going on right now on our app available free here: goo.gl/g1kdt2
My infatuation lasted me 1 1/2 years. I was pained that I knew I could never be with this person. I still admire them just not as strongly like I used to. I wanted to be in this persons life. I wanted to kiss them. Hug them. Tell them how they make my day at work every time they were there. I wanted to make them feel special. I have moved on from my strong slightly passionate feelings for the bloke. I still see him daily and I am always in awe of his quirks and kindness. I wont lie...He isn't all great and that took me a while to realize. After crying over someone like him. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I genuinely liked them for their personality and their quirkiness. It was a sweet experience. I had never felt so infatuated with someone like that before. And it lasted 1 year and about 6 months. It's the longest infatuation I ever felt. I hope they stay sane and healthy for years to come. Id like to visit his grave someday in the distant future.
Julia Kaltenböck these comments make me feel so sad :( especially yours, and probably because it’s true. But that realization doesn’t take away your love for the other person, for me, it makes it stronger, more meaningful and real, that someone should show you such a beautiful thing about your existence- that you deserve love as well and that you are worthy of love. Just as your adore them, you should adore yourself too. Love is the answer, so can it be okay to love them too? For me, it can.
It kind of gives me hope to know that I’m not the only one who has hopelessly absurd romantic fantasies on a daily basis, not sure if it’s something I could bond around with an actual object of my fantasies though... Does fantasizing about someone objectify them?
This. It seems to be the case that, despite the internet, Charles Bukowski didn't actually say say "Find what you love and let it kill you." But somebody did, and that's the general idea.
The thing about unrequited love is that we often willingly allow it to grow and develop, despite knowing that it could end in a bunch of awful feelings. It’s nice when you begin to care for someone, and daydream about what could be, so you encourage the feelings and let them flow. But then before long you see them with someone else or realise that it could never be, and you feel physical sickness in the depths of your stomach. You wish you’d never been foolish enough to allow yourself to slip this far into fantasy and the only occupations of your mind are jealousy and bitterness.
If only feelings could be controlled as you mention. Often, there is very less choice, trust me. We don't will feelings to grow and develop. Rather, they drag us, like a wagon horse gone wild, deeper and deeper into a place from where it will be very difficult and painful to escape.
Do you also realize at that point that you were selfish and that your first thought at seeing the person you “love” happy was a bitter and envious thought?
magnamia You can choose who you love, you can choose to stop loving. Perhaps it can be harder to control the simple emotions based mostly on hormones and physical reactions, though even that can be controlled, but love is something you choose to have for someone.
Kim Her same here. Mine was a school teacher, I was head over heels the moment I saw him walking down the hall towards my class as we waited. That was almost 15 years ago now and I can still remember what he wore that day.
Same There’s a guy in my English class and he’s really smart and ambitious and kind and we kind of know each other and I asked for his number and he saw why I was doing but I said it wasn’t like that and now I feel like any feelings he might of had towards me faded because I “called it off”. This happened a few weeks ago and I feel so stupid for not being more assertive☹️
Have you ever had a crush on someone, and the minute you actually get to know them & talk to them properly you realise how different they are then what you imagined them to be? That’s honestly the worst, because it’s not their fault, they’re just being themselves but you have made up this “persona” in your mind & are now disappointed that they’re nothing like you would like them to be. I’ve honestly broken my heart with shit like this a million times already lol
yeah! i've experienced not falling in love with the person, but the fantasy of the person more than i would like to. they become this perfect, ideal creature, but once you realise they just aren't that, the attraction slowly begins to fade and with it all your dreams and fantasies.. and it hurts.
6 лет назад+70
I have had a massive crush on someone for four years. At some point I thought "well, maybe if I get to know him better I will see him as everyone else, as the imperfect human beings we all are". But he is so beautiful even with every flaw he has... And the more I dig into the person he really is, the more I fall for him. I guess I'm screwed.
Paula Sofía Contreras I know this will seen counterintuitive, but because I've lived through what you're going through, this is my take on it and my suggestions. Stay friends, in contact, with him. Enjoy the experiences you have with him for what they are. Do that to the best of your ability. "Enjoy the ride", rather than keep hurting that you're not "reaching the destination". In the meantime, find things you're really interested in and pursue them. You'll feel enthusiastic and fulfilled, and people find that attractive in others. If you don't have loads of time to devote to being around him, because you're genuinely enjoying yourself, odds are, he'll miss the time you were spending together. Or he won't, and if that happens, it's not the end of the world, either. People can care very much about someone, but not be attracted to them physically, and really not be able to force that -- that wouldn't work out well for either of you, anyway. Think of the opposite -- If you had to force yourself to be in love with someone you only like as a friend. It doesn't feel good on either end. But if he's a bit conflicted in his feelings, "on the fence" about asking you out... If he starts to miss you, plus sees you as a vital, positive person, out doing her own things, it will occur to him that maybe you were what he was looking for the whole time. I've seen it happen. lso, if you don't feel good about yourself physically, take baby steps to do something about it, but do it for YOU. To feel healthier, to be more active, to have better self esteem and more confidence. This might sound preachy. I know confidence isn't an easy thing to come by. Sometimes you just have to fake it, because other people like and respect confident people. And once they give you that positive feedback and reaction, that in turn, will boost your confidence. It's a win-win. I really hope he does fall for you! But if not, and if he's such a wonderful person, then your very lucky to have him for a friend. He probably feels lucky to have you as one. Enjoy what you DO have with others.
I normally don't comment on things, and this video is not new so probably no one will see, but I think a lot of people in the comments are missing the point of the video a little. Unrequited love is something natural that happens to most people in their lives, and I think the video wants to teach us how to cope, by coming to terms with it and even enjoy the things it has to offer. If we all spiral into despair and misery when we love someone that doesn't love us back, we will just hurt ourselves. So instead of trying to avoid unrequited love at all costs, calling it a disease, we should embrace it, and that peace of mind that comes with not fighting ourselves over this, might help us move on...
@TheCarlos16Man I think it's more like living with the negative rather than turning it into a positive. But in that very act you have basically turned the negative into a 'less-negative'
I came to the conclusion that we fall prey to this kind of love when we’re in a period of deep problems & that it serves as a kind of distraction from that sad reality.
It's especially hard when nearly all of your romantic endeavors have resulted in unrequited love. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone and a feeling that I don't think I could ever really get used to. It sucks honestly and anyone in this predicament right now should know that there's more than one player on your team.
It’s difficult because even though you’ve been hurt too many times and feel like closing off your heart indefinitely there’s always this little sliver of hope
Holding your own heart sacred and being whole yourself, not needing anyone but wanting someone to share with is the greatest happiness. If someone loves you back great and if they don't great anyway. Choose to be the source of your own happiness!
My first love was an unrequited love. I never let the person know about it, but I knew they didn't like me in that way. It was a very idealistic and poetic kind of love, it inspired me a lot artistically and I still learnt a lot from that experience. That person changed and influenced me in a lot of ways and they never even knew about how much of an impact they had on me. A couple of years ago, they passed away young and I went to the funeral. It was very sad, I cried a lot, but this goes on to show how potentially every one of us is subject to love even though we may not be aware of it always.
Same here, she passed away. We've produce great art...but cut short. Requited as my feelings towards her more intense and serious. Her's towards me as part time lover and more of a soulmate. //// Keep your beautiful memory ❤
Clips from: Certain Women (2016) Summertime (1955) The Kids are All Right (2010) The Royal Wedding (BBC 2018) The Sound of Music (1965) Great Expectations (1946) Story of Adele H (1975) The Great Gatsby (2013) The Edge of Seventeen (2016) Spider-Man (2002) The Darjeeling Limited (2007) Notting Hill (1999) Drive (2011) Another Year (2010) Love Actually (2003) Brazil (1985) Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010) Chungking Express (1994) Amelie (2001) Weekend (2011) Taxi Driver (1976) Juno (2007) Archipelago (2010) Pride and Prejudice (2005) Do the Right Thing (1989) Venus (2006) Black Mirror: Playtest (2016) Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) Black Mirror: Hang the DJ (2017)
One thing I've learnt from watching your videos for the last couple of years is that we should embrace our emotions, that we are -within the boundries of our capabilities- fine just the way we are; to accept the human condition of never being able to have evweything/always wanting more, since it's ineherent to us; and to be empathic with everybody, since everyone is just as I am. A beautiful and helpful message indeed. Sorry if what I'm saying makes no sense, greetings from México.
I agree. For me my life is so shit that I escape to my little worlds a little too much. This causes my growth as a person to stagnate but whatever im gonna die anyway
Marian Elesha that’s exactly why. ive done it all my life to keep the emotional balance in my body, it makes me feel happy and look forward to things/daydreamed possibilities.
There's no secret. You just stop caring. You stop giving your time, your energy, your thoughts, your actions towards that which will never happen. Come to terms with the fact that you've wasted enough of yourself in such quest and have strength to not fall for that again. Divorce your mind from that idea and become used to deal in pragmatism.
Unrequited love also brought to life some of the best art since all the adulation was poured into these odes of idealistic love. I experience unrequited love regularly since childhood. I don't feel like acting on it at all. It's a beautiful feeling that keeps my spirit young, makes my imagination flourish and keeps me sensitive to the beauty of life. It's painful only as long I wonder whether or not to act on it but once I decide not to it's like being in love but without all the drawbacks. I often experience unrequited love for someone while I'm in a relationship with someone else. I appreciate how my daydreams reveal what I don't have enough of and help me improve my relationship. These fantasies are also a really great way to understand what kind of life I want and what kind of person I want to be at a very deep level. I even consider feeling some kind of unrequited love or admiration a sign of emotional health for me. During dark times I don't feel it because I'm overwhelmed by cynicism which makes me emotionally dry. Hopefully I will feel unrequited love at 60 as well.
I doubt you really have unrequited love, rather unrequited infatuation. But maybe I'm wrong and you're totally different from me, because it's killing me slowly
They used to last years and be a source of periodic melancholy for me. However, once I acted on it and I realized how skewed my perception of that person really was. I also discovered that sometimes the price to make my fantasies reality was so big that I when they happened I enjoyed them less than when I imagined them. The truth is you can never really know a person and what dynamic you'd have together until you try. For me love is knowing someone and tenderly admire or at least accept what they are. As long as it's imagined it can only be infatuation because you're not "loving" the person, you're loving what you think that person might be like and the things you might do together. The key word here is might. I used the phrase "unrequited love" because this is how the video called it but it's more like romantic daydreaming. Love is more about the connection itself whereas these fantasizing is more about me, my wishes, my needs, my fetishes. Now I see it as something pleasant I indulge in because it gives me a special state of mind. It's almost like watching a movies except I make it my head inspired by real people and events. As I grew older and had more of them I take them less seriously but I enjoy them more and appreciate their beauty.
What an eloquent reply. Perhaps the most eloquent reply in all of RUclips :) Your words have been honey to my ears...Sincerely I thank you! Do you write elsewhere online? I could read your writing over and over again.
I'm happy you feel that way. I only write to my journal and sometimes bring my tiny share to RUclips wisdom in case my comments make some people feel less lonely in their quirks.
Trying to make any positives of unrequited love is like telling someone diagnosed with cancer : "Look on the bright side at least you have a new found appreciation for life".
The truth is we all experience some kind of suffering in life and we all die. Each person can choose to be psychologically destroyed by it or can use it as a catalyst for growth. I choose the latter and am much less afraid of suffering now because I have had enough practice to know it probably won't kill me.
My thoughts exactly. It's just so condescendent. "You're a loser and your crush doesn't like you back? Look on the bright side, at least now you have a crippling obsession with someone who would be terrified to know it, and while you're on it, who don't you just daydream that you have a honeymoon in Paris and four children? It's completely ok since they will never find out".
My father told me not to resist the feeling. Daydream all you want... because what you resist persists. Let it take its sweet time and don't be too hard on yourself because as much as we believe that we're never getting over that person, it WILL happen without you even noticing it. I love the forgiving tone in this video.
박강산 unilateral love is love given with nothing in return. This kind of love causes the giver to lose themselves but can be solved if the receiver also gives unilateral love at the same time to the other person. Once it stops, the disease begins.
ShiruSama1 Yeah, it has a very forgiving tone. Which most videos on this channel do because I believe their ultimate philosophy is to accept who are you and what your circumstances are in any given moment, lest you go insane, because we are only human and things will always change. Very noble, but it doesn't change the fact that unrequited love, at least in my experience, was very toxic and delusional and just plain sad. Lol.
Marian Elesha well i think it's fine for people to feel that way but people who feel like this to be depressed because of reality I don't agree with the video that we should only live in a fantasy but I don't think people who feel unrequited love are lowly or pathetic because they have emotions
@@thijsjong Its the sign of a big heart to fall in love purely for someone. No idealizing or delussion, just atraction and feeling that love, that affection, that need to hug them and hold forever, that yearning to be held and kissed by them. Maybe this pain and insatisfsction gives us a window into ourselves so that we ca see how truly human, weak, frail, impermanent, ever changing, we reslly are. Maybe the unrequited love is a blessing for us, so that we realize that maybe we need someone to be there for us in times of sickness and health, good and bad, to share life and create moments with, to bond, to have someone who understands...Before the unrequited love maybe these feelings were dulled out or in the background, supressed or unacknowledge, but the unrequited love brings this to the forefront...maybe the unrequited love lets us know that the time has come to find someone to fulfill that role and who we can fulfill that roll for, to give and recieve...maybe the unrequited love is the jolt of electricity we needed to take us out of our complaciency, to humble us through pain...maybe we should be grateful for this pain, and forgive that they dont feel the same way, and move on. Its no use idealizing, its no use turning the pain into suffering (suffering being attachment to, and feeding of, pain.) We just have to ride it out, knowing that the one for us is someone who would love us like we love them. Maybe the lesson is patience... maybe one day they can grow to love us, but by then would we have burned all bridges through our passion and delussion, our incontrollable emotions? Can we ride this out, keeping this to ourself, sharing it only with trusted people, crying on the shoulder of friends or relatives. It seemes to me that its not something that requires a confession to the unrequited love in order to move on, because its pretty clear when someone loves you back, or even likes you back, or considers you in the role of lover & companion. I hope we all get through this stronger and happier than we once were. This pain cant last for ever, that is certain. Is the pain a teacher? Is the unrequited love a blessing? I have grown to think so. But one must move on. If that relationship is of the past, if there is no future, then there is no use in feeding these emotions. Acceptance is the final emotion in this rolercoaster, and acceptance can lend peace. We need peace. I hope we can all find it. We deserve our compassion more than anything or anyone. Life is painful, life entails suffering...let us be mindfull, let us be grateful. I am certain that one day we will laugh looking back, or at the very least, feel nothing but detachment from the person we once were and the emotions and feelings which once consumed us. It will take as long as it has to take, but let us procure to not make it longer.
I think a lot of people like me fall into the trap of thinking we can love enough for the both of us. So it seems sometimes requited love isn’t necessary until you wake up from the euphoria
loved that last line: ".....a very complicated machine, constrained by the narrowness of existencem turning its wheels, tantalised by a vision of happiness, sensing quite rightly and quite hopelessly, that there could have been so much more to life than there ever really will be. "
Proust undestood that "the only successful [sustainable] love is unrequited love." I was in an "unrequited love-ship" for five years! In that time, I read a lot about unrequited love and limerance and I grew to understand that my "love" was something even more unique. I truly value the experience. Thank you for helping to put this idea into the popular mindset!
i've been friends with her for over a decade, and when she showed her true colors and how human she really is like everyone else, weirdly enough, that was when i started to fall for her
"To love someone, who, for whatever reason, cannot return your feelings is painful. But if you listen to the poets, perhaps there's a kind of beauty to that love. It burns. Brightest...! And it's never tainted by reality or by overuse. It's clear and fierce today as it was the very first day it began. And there's beauty to that. I think....! At least that's what I cling to anyway." - A beautiful quote from movie 'Tolkein'
Paula Sofía Contreras Same here! I kept humming the piece throughout the video that I missed out on a bunch of key points and had to backtrack several times HAHA
lovely... we all have found ourselves in the snares of unrequited love at some point in life; some of us have made a career out of it. Never the less, thank you for romanticizing our human condition; it lifts the burden and gives color to our frayed old love letters that got lost in the cruel postoffice of reality...
Funny thing is, because of this channel i tend to mutually break up with my crush at the end of my daydreams, it's like getting used to the reality that relationships come and go
I actually rather like that idea, like you are consciously 'releasing' them from your mind so it does not consume you. However, I think that you should keep in mind that while a relationship can end, it can also go on. They're not equally as likely, but the possibility is always there.
After every one of these videos I imagine each of us viewers letting out an individual little sigh. Sometimes of regret, nostalgia, sadness...but almost always also of pleasure.
Amazing, wow I would never thought what I had been going throughout my entire life a good thing. He speaks of it in such a way, that I want to experience it again. It is great being able to love and cherish your lover all safely within the confines of your mind.
chiki briki Because you get to create your own story and how it goes. Why do you think the book is always is better than the movie? Because while reading the book you can imagine the way the characters are and the way the settings in the book are YOUR WAY. When having unrequited love it does hurt bc that love isn't reciporcated, however, that's ok bc you can imagine that they do and so much more at the expense of no one, YOUR WAY.
I don't want to be a debbie downer but I think if it's really the only type of love one knows then it might in fact be problematic (and this applies to me as well). Attraction is linked to how well our parents responded to us when we were very young and helpless. Attraction is also rooted in familiarity rather than what we rationally think might be an ideal match for us, so if your parents were for example very busy you might find yourself attracted to people who are in some kind unavailable because they're gay or live far away or are your boss (had all 3 of those scenarios) or whatnot. Of course I don't know your personal situation that well but if you always find yourself to be anxious when a potential love interest shows you they care about you even though they seem to be a good match and you like them it might be a structural problem that needs confrontation.
Alice Dée I like that you said that bit about attraction it was interesting and idk that but now I do. 👌 But I'm not saying I'd feel anxious if a person I had feelings for felt the same way. No way! I'd be stoked! What I'm saying and what this video made me realize is that if the person doesn't have feelings for you back, it's ok. Bc you have your mind and in your mind everything can work out the way YOU want to. But ofc do remember that it is just fantasy and not reality. It sure is a great fantasy, tho 😊
Golden Lady I didn't mean the person you like liking you back, but generally anyone. When someone potentially very cool is actually available (from the beginning) and approaches me romantically it scares me off. Thought it might be similar to you. Nevermind :)
"Real Love" in a context of "romantic relationship" doesn't exists if is not shared. If only one side is "in love" this same side is in fact feeding feelings for an idea and ideal and a version of the other person who doesn't really exists outside one's head. It can really lead this same person to do terrible things "in name of love". "You only see what I want you to see. That's what you're in love with." - Art3mis But, of course... you can always feed "Love" as a general, spiritual and humane idea, the type of love that goes beyond reciprocity and that makes life in general worth to live. "Give, always give what you can... even if your allies draw lines in the sand." - Nahko
That first quote is spot on. Unrequited love isn't something to be cherished, it's essentially a sickness of the mind that causes you to make terrible life choices and creates a lot of pain both for yourself and the unlucky recipient of your feelings. I wish i'd known years ago how dangerous it is to fixate on an imaginary relationship, it would have saved me a lot of heart-ache. Personally I would advocate the opposite of what this video is suggesting, trying to ground your relationships in reality and see situations for what they really are is a much more healthy strategy then messing yourself up by fantasising too much.
Nah unrequited love is too painful and useless in the end. I am done with these feelings. Being immune to love is actually liberating. More pros than cons.
This idea of "being immune to love" sounds quite tragic. I imagine it's like taking so many emotional blows that you eventually turn numb toward that feeling...
Rem Rens Unless your are a psychopath receive and give love is a basic human necessity. Love is a emotion that can't be repressed, you're just deceiving yourself. I'm saying this because I tried to force my will and rationalization to control the way I perceive affections for years and ended into deep depression.
@MuitoDaora It is possible with training. I haven't fallen in love since and for 6 years now. I also got over my biggest celebrity crush which lasted more than a decade
Unrequited love is all I’ve ever known. It has only ever been the fantasies where I have an inkling of reciprocation of my feelings. I do not know anything else. And because of this I have pushed this idea of love onto a pedestal so high, I no longer can see it. But only remember what it must look like. To all I have feelings for, it’s only ever in my fantasies where I can feel the false made up sense of my pointless worth.
@@sonyavincent7450 Thank you! I wish i could say things have gotten better in the past 3 years. But it's only seems to have gotten worse. Still, just need to keep swimming.
@@jjho8 that's a real shame. Try and switch your thinking to love being easily reachable and available for yourself. Like you said, if you've externalised love and put it on a pedestal, you've made it very hard for yourself.
I cannot thank you guys enough for this video and for your channel in general. I have been able to cope with so many difficulties this past year, and the insight here has been such an irreplaceable support. I've been struggling with ending a marriage that became abusive and crushing on someone who just didn't feel the same way about me, and the feelings of failure and rejection from both of these are hard things to contend with on a regular basis. But this video helps me feel less ashamed to want someone who doesn't want me and to accept myself and not think that I'm simply broken/dysfunctional for feeling so strongly about someone I barely know but see every day at my job, which I happen to love and be great at. Thank you so much for your compassionate explanations
THANK YOU. Really thank you because I am living this situation and besides of caring with the pain of not being able to have a real relationship with the person you love, one has to carry with the huge “stupid” tag on the forehead for loving someone one “shouldn’t”. Your kind way of understanding us unrequited lovers gives me a lot of consolation, saying that it is not a bad thing, as the only thing we are trying to do is love
When ones crush crushes ones emotions, this so called optimism goes down a very steep slope . something stronger--something alcoholy will do wonders----Cheers
I've recently been rejected by a girl. I'm old enough to know that no one is flawless, and I'm aware that I might have idealised her a little bit, as we all do when we like someone we don't know well. However, it's still a bit hard to assimilate that she's just not into me. Thank you for putting things into perspective, and for showing that there are plenty of positive things to get from unrequited love. Keep up the good work!
Um no. Sorry but no. While I applaud you for trying to put a positive spin on something that can be emotionally crippling for many, unrequited love simply isn't like that. A lot of the picture painted in this video is rather unhealthy and the most factual part (about it being a humbling experience) is rather downplayed. This video seems to think that without mutual affection, we won't think about intimate problems they may have like with their family members or something more personal because we don't really know them and our love is only superficial. But when you love someone whether it's returned or not, you will care about their most intimate moments and deepest issues and it's sometimes not being able to do anything about it that makes it so agonizing. You can have all the right answers but simply not be the correct person to give them and make a difference. What this video should instead focus on is how in doing all this we tend to devalue ourselves when we should instead be giving ourselves more value for being able to care and give so much of ourselves to someone who can't return it (something that isn't easy) And it should also explain that by awarding ourselves with more value, we should learn to appreciate and care for our selves more so that we will continue to have enough love to give to that eventual person who will return that love.
tabris95 i agree with you. The picture isn’t rosy at all. It is painful and terrible. I would rather love myself than keep on loving someone who doesn’t give a darn about my existence. Sadly, I too happen to be stuck in such a desolate quagmire.
The case you describe is the kind of invested unrequited love that I consider unhealthy. I admire that you can give so much without having it reciprocated but I also think such a situation is toxic. It can drain and wound you with long term consequences. If I was the target of your affection I would cut you off swiftly and let time and distance help you heal. The fact he/she doesn't do this for you is a pretty bad sign. They might (hopefully unconsciously) use you or be dependent on something you offer and leave you as soon as they find it somewhere else. As a stranger on RUclips I'm in a bad position to advise you but please be the wiser one and move away from that situation. You have to be responsible towards yourself and put your well-being first. As for the person you love, it would probably be better for them to treat their issues in therapy than have you play up to them. Many people consider the simple fact that someone loves them enough of an excuse to avoid healing themselves.
tabris95 This gave me such a sense of hope Thank you, sometimes we need a small mommy to snap out of the pain to see that loving yourself,is a key factor in showing love to another person :)
There is nothing, nothing, nothing to praise about unrequited love. Anybody who could even seriously consider such an idea clearly hasn't experienced it.
I'd say that the more mentally healthy a person is, the more they could accept this video as being true. However, if your general outlook and self-esteem is not good, it's more likely to be crippling, as you suggest.
You do know that that applies to your original comment too, right? And that not everyone experiences things the same way you do, and assuming they do shows an inexperience with, well, diverse human stories.
This video reminded me how lucky we are to be free in our thoughts. And that goes beyond love. We're free to imagine whatever we would like and for humans that is a great many things. I'll make sure not to take that for granted :)
I do like the point made about letting a crush play out in your head just to see what it is that your really looking for in someone but other than that I don't know. I mean sure living out a romance in your head will look a lot nicer than a real relationship but ultimately, its accepting the mediocrity in other people that is harder to do so be careful not to turn a little indulgence into the only way you know how to feel connected to another person.
Ongoing for 33 years and counting. Took the fall, paid all the money, went to all the sessions, followed all the advice. Doesn’t seem to help much when there was only one other living person you never hated but it wasn’t returned lol.
Everyone here saying unrequited love is beautiful obviously haven't experienced it every day of their lives for as long as they can remember. I'm tired, I wish I could turn the switch off, think about anything else, but I can't. Thank you for making your worst video to date and reassuring my depression.
"It is the priviledge of unrequited love never to have to encounter the disappointment that follows contact with reality." Goddamn that is the best thing I have heard all week
I bless the day I stumbled across these videos. I've been questioning my sanity and these videos validate that I am not the only one having these thoughts and that they might simply be, being human. Thank you.
How delightful to learn that nothing is worth fretting about.. Rather learn what it is.. Why it is and how everything can serve a purpose in life if done right 🌸
If you're single just get out of your comfort zone and meet and date lots of different people you really like instead of being fixated on ONE PERSON as if they are the last man or woman on Earth - because they are not. This helps with not giving into the fantasies and unrequited love because now you have lots of other romantic options. Get busy actually DATING rather than wasting time in fantasy and hope for something that may never happen. Life isn't a movie where the good guy always gets the girl he's been longing for at the end of the film - movies are make-believe and this is not how things work in the real world. The answer is to broaden your scope and date more people - there is a massive world of potential partners out there to meet and date if you actually go out and try. Then you are too busy to care about the ones who don't reciprocate interest, which prevents major disappointment, heartache, and the wastage of precious time.
David Duncan what if you don’t seem to have any interest in anyone but that one person? And you try so hard to date other people but at the end of each date you come back feeling hollow because the entire time you were hoping it was that one person and not anyone else? How do you cease the endless bouts of tears that don’t let you sleep at night? All of this, while the guy doesn’t seem to give a darn because he probably doesn’t even know you have any feelings for him. It’s just tragic. I don’t want to be fixated on that one person, but sadly I am. I don’t expect anything from this. I just want to move on. I am in deep shit, ain’t I?! 🙇♀️
David Duncan thank you for replying. We were good friends at one point of time but then he started acting distant. So I don’t see a point of expressing my feelings. I want to move on because that seems to be the only option now. Thanks again for listening. :)
Logic, facts and reason. The capacity to fantasize about love is beautiful, but romanticism in our culture has blinded us to the fact that we could be in a satisfying relationship with virtually anyone we have at least some sexual attraction to and personal common ground with. Great loves are made, not found.
@@andrewraslan5348 I met a girl four years ago. We went out. I knew I would never marry her within two weeks of knowing her. I don't love her. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not the love of her life either. Yet we are together. She is kind, thoughtful, happy. My life is going by, and I wonder if 'that's it'. Will I ever love someone as they love me? What a bizarre adventure life is.
Your closing statement is brilliant. IMHO one of best you've ever written. " _It's just the mind, a very complicated machine, constrained by the narrowness of existence, turning its wheels, tantalized by a vision of happiness and sensing, quite rightly and quite hopelessly, that there could've been so much more to life than there ever will be._ "
One of my favorite Frank Sinatra song lyrics... "Unrequited love's a bore.... and I got it pretty bad. But for someone you adore, it's a pleasure to be sad"
Before watching this, I was anxious and nervous trying to decide whether if I should make a move on someone who I fantasize to be with and who will never love me back. But now I’m perfectly calm and won’t dismiss my dreams as silly. whatever happens happens, and if it doesn’t, it’s okay, too. Thank you school of life
Unrequited love is equal parts awful as it is amazing. Like I hated it but I have never felt feelings stronger than when time built up feelings I didn’t know for sure would be reciprocated. I felt at times I would fall over from heart attack. That’s how strongly I felt about this person. It’s so much of a rush you can’t get enough of the high. And yes it’s all chemical but man is it hard for my brain to produce those so I hold them to high esteem whenever they are felt
Feels like The School of Life knows my current problem. 😅 First time to love someone after 26 years of existence yet not reciprocated. 💔 Thanks to this video though, I now feel a bit better. 😊
I appreciate the effort to justify our suffering but honestly Unrequited love is a gigantic shit sandwich and I wish more than anything I could just erase all of it from my memories and I’m sure there’s many (if not all) other afflicted share that sentiment.
I would rather have the realism of requited love rather than the boundless hope of unrequited love. Boundless hope is asking for boundless pain and anguish.
ryan Love is necessary for everyone you wouldn’t grow up without your mothers love if not your mother some other woman must’ve taken her place and still if you grew up without love that person will turn into a monster
If I always have that unrequited love is because my mind wants to make me get those qualities of that person who I love? Like I want to '' fix'' myself in a sense?
It reminds me of Neville in Virginia Woolf's The Waves and his unrequited love for Percival. He never gets Percival, but he loves him his entire life. It is a love that is poetic and one that I admire.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Have you had any experience with unrequited love? Let us know in the comments below or we have a discussion going on right now on our app available free here: goo.gl/g1kdt2
List of films please!
I can attest to my recent experience having helped me realize (as an adult) what I really want in a mate.
well, who hasn't?
The School of Life It's not unrequited LOVE, but infatuation. Call it what it really is.
My infatuation lasted me 1 1/2 years. I was pained that I knew I could never be with this person. I still admire them just not as strongly like I used to. I wanted to be in this persons life. I wanted to kiss them. Hug them. Tell them how they make my day at work every time they were there. I wanted to make them feel special.
I have moved on from my strong slightly passionate feelings for the bloke. I still see him daily and I am always in awe of his quirks and kindness. I wont lie...He isn't all great and that took me a while to realize. After crying over someone like him. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I genuinely liked them for their personality and their quirkiness.
It was a sweet experience. I had never felt so infatuated with someone like that before. And it lasted 1 year and about 6 months. It's the longest infatuation I ever felt.
I hope they stay sane and healthy for years to come. Id like to visit his grave someday in the distant future.
The greatest love story ever told happens in your imagination
For me too. And it's enough.
Megan Goldmine Truth
Megan Goldmine very true
And that is why I am writing it down :)
Unreal fantasy is infinitely lesser than real life, especially in the case of matter as important as love.
The other day i had this little realization that my unrequited love was the love i should show myself...
Julia Kaltenböck these comments make me feel so sad :( especially yours, and probably because it’s true.
But that realization doesn’t take away your love for the other person, for me, it makes it stronger, more meaningful and real, that someone should show you such a beautiful thing about your existence- that you deserve love as well and that you are worthy of love. Just as your adore them, you should adore yourself too. Love is the answer, so can it be okay to love them too? For me, it can.
Few come to that wisdom. I hope you didn't pay too high a price to gain that.
Thank you for sharing, your advice has helped me
Boom
What a wonderful thought!
Never felt so at home in a comment section, incredible
Farewell Nico I was thinking the same
Farewell Nico yep. I wish there was a community for this (If there is can somebody please tell me)
It kind of gives me hope to know that I’m not the only one who has hopelessly absurd romantic fantasies on a daily basis, not sure if it’s something I could bond around with an actual object of my fantasies though... Does fantasizing about someone objectify them?
This is therapeutic! Almost like a digital therapy circle.
Same
Unrequited love is like cancer of the soul. It eats you up slowly but daily.
The Axis of Insight so true
Relatable
This.
It seems to be the case that, despite the internet, Charles Bukowski didn't actually say say "Find what you love and let it kill you." But somebody did, and that's the general idea.
Steve Payne
Not bad
The dose makes the poison.
The thing about unrequited love is that we often willingly allow it to grow and develop, despite knowing that it could end in a bunch of awful feelings.
It’s nice when you begin to care for someone, and daydream about what could be, so you encourage the feelings and let them flow.
But then before long you see them with someone else or realise that it could never be, and you feel physical sickness in the depths of your stomach. You wish you’d never been foolish enough to allow yourself to slip this far into fantasy and the only occupations of your mind are jealousy and bitterness.
Jesus Christ. This comment. 👏👏
If only feelings could be controlled as you mention. Often, there is very less choice, trust me. We don't will feelings to grow and develop. Rather, they drag us, like a wagon horse gone wild, deeper and deeper into a place from where it will be very difficult and painful to escape.
this one hit me right in the feels
Do you also realize at that point that you were selfish and that your first thought at seeing the person you “love” happy was a bitter and envious thought?
magnamia You can choose who you love, you can choose to stop loving. Perhaps it can be harder to control the simple emotions based mostly on hormones and physical reactions, though even that can be controlled, but love is something you choose to have for someone.
I knew unrequited love before any other love.
+1
same..
Kim Her same here. Mine was a school teacher, I was head over heels the moment I saw him walking down the hall towards my class as we waited. That was almost 15 years ago now and I can still remember what he wore that day.
Same
There’s a guy in my English class and he’s really smart and ambitious and kind and we kind of know each other and I asked for his number and he saw why I was doing but I said it wasn’t like that and now I feel like any feelings he might of had towards me faded because I “called it off”.
This happened a few weeks ago and I feel so stupid for not being more assertive☹️
Same
Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't've fallen in love with?
confusedwhale Every. Fucking. Time.
Yeah. She's in a cult and im not joining.
shouldn‘t? why?
Badd Choyce lol
:(
Oh how timely... right when the wound is most fresh
Emilia Thomson same! Literally yesterday!
Give it time and be strong. It shall heal.
Exactly the same
Emilia Thomson this was said so nicely I had to like it
It has been 7 months and the wound hasn't completely healed yet.
Have you ever had a crush on someone, and the minute you actually get to know them & talk to them properly you realise how different they are then what you imagined them to be? That’s honestly the worst, because it’s not their fault, they’re just being themselves but you have made up this “persona” in your mind & are now disappointed that they’re nothing like you would like them to be. I’ve honestly broken my heart with shit like this a million times already lol
yeah! i've experienced not falling in love with the person, but the fantasy of the person more than i would like to. they become this perfect, ideal creature, but once you realise they just aren't that, the attraction slowly begins to fade and with it all your dreams and fantasies.. and it hurts.
I have had a massive crush on someone for four years. At some point I thought "well, maybe if I get to know him better I will see him as everyone else, as the imperfect human beings we all are". But he is so beautiful even with every flaw he has... And the more I dig into the person he really is, the more I fall for him. I guess I'm screwed.
Paula Sofía Contreras well, I really hope you get to be with this guy.
Paula Sofía Contreras that‘s adorable, all the best of luck!! go get 'em!
Paula Sofía Contreras I know this will seen counterintuitive, but because I've lived through what you're going through, this is my take on it and my suggestions. Stay friends, in contact, with him. Enjoy the experiences you have with him for what they are. Do that to the best of your ability. "Enjoy the ride", rather than keep hurting that you're not "reaching the destination".
In the meantime, find things you're really interested in and pursue them. You'll feel enthusiastic and fulfilled, and people find that attractive in others. If you don't have loads of time to devote to being around him, because you're genuinely enjoying yourself, odds are, he'll miss the time you were spending together. Or he won't, and if that happens, it's not the end of the world, either. People can care very much about someone, but not be attracted to them physically, and really not be able to force that -- that wouldn't work out well for either of you, anyway. Think of the opposite -- If you had to force yourself to be in love with someone you only like as a friend. It doesn't feel good on either end. But if he's a bit conflicted in his feelings, "on the fence" about asking you out... If he starts to miss you, plus sees you as a vital, positive person, out doing her own things, it will occur to him that maybe you were what he was looking for the whole time. I've seen it happen.
lso, if you don't feel good about yourself physically, take baby steps to do something about it, but do it for YOU. To feel healthier, to be more active, to have better self esteem and more confidence. This might sound preachy. I know confidence isn't an easy thing to come by. Sometimes you just have to fake it, because other people like and respect confident people. And once they give you that positive feedback and reaction, that in turn, will boost your confidence. It's a win-win.
I really hope he does fall for you! But if not, and if he's such a wonderful person, then your very lucky to have him for a friend. He probably feels lucky to have you as one. Enjoy what you DO have with others.
I normally don't comment on things, and this video is not new so probably no one will see, but I think a lot of people in the comments are missing the point of the video a little. Unrequited love is something natural that happens to most people in their lives, and I think the video wants to teach us how to cope, by coming to terms with it and even enjoy the things it has to offer. If we all spiral into despair and misery when we love someone that doesn't love us back, we will just hurt ourselves. So instead of trying to avoid unrequited love at all costs, calling it a disease, we should embrace it, and that peace of mind that comes with not fighting ourselves over this, might help us move on...
That was a beautiful point, thanks blue karma.
@TheCarlos16Man I think it's more like living with the negative rather than turning it into a positive. But in that very act you have basically turned the negative into a 'less-negative'
Ashen You’ve hit the nail on the head, clearly a very wise person.👍🏻✌🏻❤️🌹🏴🇬🇧
@@scarletpimpernelagain9124 haha that's very kind of you! ❤️
To be okay for not being okay
I came to the conclusion that we fall prey to this kind of love when we’re in a period of deep problems & that it serves as a kind of distraction from that sad reality.
Yes! 👏🏻
distraction is the key word!
@@kayholand_ Totally !
This is so true
This is terribly true for me.
Unrequited love is the only kind of love i have experienced in my life and im 36! This video consoled me :)
Same for me and im 29.
same here. I'm 37 and the only love I've experienced is unrequited. Ugh..this video helped.
@@Jeng4280 thats makes two of us :D now we know we're not THAT odd hehe
Same herr, 39y old
❤ love from India💙
It's especially hard when nearly all of your romantic endeavors have resulted in unrequited love. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone and a feeling that I don't think I could ever really get used to. It sucks honestly and anyone in this predicament right now should know that there's more than one player on your team.
dumplings1997 I feel ya!
It just feels depressing and unfair...dont know if its worth it ultimately...
I can rly relate to this. Thank you for your comment! I feel less alone now.
Thanks for your comment feel the same way
It’s difficult because even though you’ve been hurt too many times and feel like closing off your heart indefinitely there’s always this little sliver of hope
love can either lead to great happiness or immeasurable sadness; it's a double-edged blade.
Ezio usually both.
It’s mostly unmeasurable sadness
Holding your own heart sacred and being whole yourself, not needing anyone but wanting someone to share with is the greatest happiness. If someone loves you back great and if they don't great anyway. Choose to be the source of your own happiness!
Thank u
Anything that can be blis can also be hell.
We experience this kind of love because we hope that one day that person will realize the love that we've always had to offer.
They never do. And they probably never deserved it.
I had a beautiful dream with an unrequited love recently. I woke up happy and glad I had got to spend that time with them.
Same exact thing happens to me :)
This is very dark!!!
I had a dream about my unrequited love last night, and it basically undid all the progress i was making in getting over them lol
Julia Clark it’s unfortunate when dreams and fantasies are the only way we can be with them :’-(
T. T yeah
He looked at me for several seconds without a word. Then he winked. I'll live on that thrill forever.
Understandable, but very funny!
My first love was an unrequited love. I never let the person know about it, but I knew they didn't like me in that way. It was a very idealistic and poetic kind of love, it inspired me a lot artistically and I still learnt a lot from that experience. That person changed and influenced me in a lot of ways and they never even knew about how much of an impact they had on me. A couple of years ago, they passed away young and I went to the funeral. It was very sad, I cried a lot, but this goes on to show how potentially every one of us is subject to love even though we may not be aware of it always.
Did you write about it?
To my knowledge, no one I've ever loved has died (apart from my father).
Same here, she passed away.
We've produce great art...but cut short.
Requited as my feelings towards her more intense and serious.
Her's towards me as part time lover and more of a soulmate.
////
Keep your beautiful memory ❤
@@vincentwong2801 Thank you, same to you ❤
Clips from:
Certain Women (2016)
Summertime (1955)
The Kids are All Right (2010)
The Royal Wedding (BBC 2018)
The Sound of Music (1965)
Great Expectations (1946)
Story of Adele H (1975)
The Great Gatsby (2013)
The Edge of Seventeen (2016)
Spider-Man (2002)
The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Notting Hill (1999)
Drive (2011)
Another Year (2010)
Love Actually (2003)
Brazil (1985)
Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010)
Chungking Express (1994)
Amelie (2001)
Weekend (2011)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Juno (2007)
Archipelago (2010)
Pride and Prejudice (2005)
Do the Right Thing (1989)
Venus (2006)
Black Mirror: Playtest (2016)
Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Black Mirror: Hang the DJ (2017)
The School of Life Thankyou, I was about to ask
Could you pin this comment? 😊
The School of Life Aw, thank you!
Thumbnail: Black Mirror
which one is the frozen yogurt scene from?
One thing I've learnt from watching your videos for the last couple of years is that we should embrace our emotions, that we are -within the boundries of our capabilities- fine just the way we are; to accept the human condition of never being able to have evweything/always wanting more, since it's ineherent to us; and to be empathic with everybody, since everyone is just as I am. A beautiful and helpful message indeed.
Sorry if what I'm saying makes no sense, greetings from México.
it makes total sense to me.
excellent insight, thank you.
Daydreaming is certainly undervalued
Yasmin Jade how so? I believe the majority of people do it and do it as escapism.
I agree. For me my life is so shit that I escape to my little worlds a little too much. This causes my growth as a person to stagnate but whatever im gonna die anyway
Marian Elesha that’s exactly why. ive done it all my life to keep the emotional balance in my body, it makes me feel happy and look forward to things/daydreamed possibilities.
Marian Elesha the reason it isnt harmful is because most people can define the difference between their daydreams and reality.
Indeed. Contemplation seems to be defined negatively in our time, as a 'lack of action.'
Until you have one horrific unrequited love experience that makes your mind banish it completely from your everyday life. Never again.
Tell me how you banish it. Do you have a secret?
There's no secret. You just stop caring. You stop giving your time, your energy, your thoughts, your actions towards that which will never happen. Come to terms with the fact that you've wasted enough of yourself in such quest and have strength to not fall for that again.
Divorce your mind from that idea and become used to deal in pragmatism.
Unrequited love also brought to life some of the best art since all the adulation was poured into these odes of idealistic love.
I experience unrequited love regularly since childhood. I don't feel like acting on it at all. It's a beautiful feeling that keeps my spirit young, makes my imagination flourish and keeps me sensitive to the beauty of life. It's painful only as long I wonder whether or not to act on it but once I decide not to it's like being in love but without all the drawbacks.
I often experience unrequited love for someone while I'm in a relationship with someone else. I appreciate how my daydreams reveal what I don't have enough of and help me improve my relationship. These fantasies are also a really great way to understand what kind of life I want and what kind of person I want to be at a very deep level.
I even consider feeling some kind of unrequited love or admiration a sign of emotional health for me. During dark times I don't feel it because I'm overwhelmed by cynicism which makes me emotionally dry. Hopefully I will feel unrequited love at 60 as well.
I doubt you really have unrequited love, rather unrequited infatuation. But maybe I'm wrong and you're totally different from me, because it's killing me slowly
They used to last years and be a source of periodic melancholy for me. However, once I acted on it and I realized how skewed my perception of that person really was. I also discovered that sometimes the price to make my fantasies reality was so big that I when they happened I enjoyed them less than when I imagined them.
The truth is you can never really know a person and what dynamic you'd have together until you try. For me love is knowing someone and tenderly admire or at least accept what they are. As long as it's imagined it can only be infatuation because you're not "loving" the person, you're loving what you think that person might be like and the things you might do together. The key word here is might.
I used the phrase "unrequited love" because this is how the video called it but it's more like romantic daydreaming. Love is more about the connection itself whereas these fantasizing is more about me, my wishes, my needs, my fetishes. Now I see it as something pleasant I indulge in because it gives me a special state of mind. It's almost like watching a movies except I make it my head inspired by real people and events. As I grew older and had more of them I take them less seriously but I enjoy them more and appreciate their beauty.
What an eloquent reply. Perhaps the most eloquent reply in all of RUclips :) Your words have been honey to my ears...Sincerely I thank you! Do you write elsewhere online? I could read your writing over and over again.
I'm happy you feel that way. I only write to my journal and sometimes bring my tiny share to RUclips wisdom in case my comments make some people feel less lonely in their quirks.
TJ R: you gave such a perfect compliment to Georgiana Bere and I completely agree with you
Trying to make any positives of unrequited love is like telling someone diagnosed with cancer : "Look on the bright side at least you have a new found appreciation for life".
The truth is we all experience some kind of suffering in life and we all die. Each person can choose to be psychologically destroyed by it or can use it as a catalyst for growth. I choose the latter and am much less afraid of suffering now because I have had enough practice to know it probably won't kill me.
My thoughts exactly. It's just so condescendent. "You're a loser and your crush doesn't like you back? Look on the bright side, at least now you have a crippling obsession with someone who would be terrified to know it, and while you're on it, who don't you just daydream that you have a honeymoon in Paris and four children? It's completely ok since they will never find out".
I'm now dealing with unrequited love. Let's just say it's pure torture and hell. And it will take my. heart through the winter months to fully heal.
How did it go? I bet (and hope) things are better now ;)
Agree much more painful than a couple breakup
My father told me not to resist the feeling. Daydream all you want... because what you resist persists.
Let it take its sweet time and don't be too hard on yourself because as much as we believe that we're never getting over that person, it WILL happen without you even noticing it. I love the forgiving tone in this video.
Unilateral love is a disease whose cure is also the cause.
Well said.
What a shame, honestly i can’t understand exactly what you said.
박강산 unilateral love is love given with nothing in return. This kind of love causes the giver to lose themselves but can be solved if the receiver also gives unilateral love at the same time to the other person. Once it stops, the disease begins.
Quod me nutrit me detruit x
Desire, lust, you name it.
Unrequited love is terrible. It kills you slowly.
Paper Mario There is nothing more unsatisfactory or unfulfilling than loving someone who does not love you back.
I don't know. The way the video talks about it doesn't sound healthy either...
ShiruSama1 Yeah, it has a very forgiving tone. Which most videos on this channel do because I believe their ultimate philosophy is to accept who are you and what your circumstances are in any given moment, lest you go insane, because we are only human and things will always change. Very noble, but it doesn't change the fact that unrequited love, at least in my experience, was very toxic and delusional and just plain sad. Lol.
Marian Elesha well i think it's fine for people to feel that way but people who feel like this to be depressed because of reality I don't agree with the video that we should only live in a fantasy but I don't think people who feel unrequited love are lowly or pathetic because they have emotions
The video uses footage of Amelie. If you have seen this movie you know her love is as unhealthy as it gets.
@@thijsjong Its the sign of a big heart to fall in love purely for someone. No idealizing or delussion, just atraction and feeling that love, that affection, that need to hug them and hold forever, that yearning to be held and kissed by them. Maybe this pain and insatisfsction gives us a window into ourselves so that we ca see how truly human, weak, frail, impermanent, ever changing, we reslly are. Maybe the unrequited love is a blessing for us, so that we realize that maybe we need someone to be there for us in times of sickness and health, good and bad, to share life and create moments with, to bond, to have someone who understands...Before the unrequited love maybe these feelings were dulled out or in the background, supressed or unacknowledge, but the unrequited love brings this to the forefront...maybe the unrequited love lets us know that the time has come to find someone to fulfill that role and who we can fulfill that roll for, to give and recieve...maybe the unrequited love is the jolt of electricity we needed to take us out of our complaciency, to humble us through pain...maybe we should be grateful for this pain, and forgive that they dont feel the same way, and move on. Its no use idealizing, its no use turning the pain into suffering (suffering being attachment to, and feeding of, pain.) We just have to ride it out, knowing that the one for us is someone who would love us like we love them. Maybe the lesson is patience... maybe one day they can grow to love us, but by then would we have burned all bridges through our passion and delussion, our incontrollable emotions? Can we ride this out, keeping this to ourself, sharing it only with trusted people, crying on the shoulder of friends or relatives. It seemes to me that its not something that requires a confession to the unrequited love in order to move on, because its pretty clear when someone loves you back, or even likes you back, or considers you in the role of lover & companion. I hope we all get through this stronger and happier than we once were. This pain cant last for ever, that is certain. Is the pain a teacher? Is the unrequited love a blessing? I have grown to think so. But one must move on. If that relationship is of the past, if there is no future, then there is no use in feeding these emotions. Acceptance is the final emotion in this rolercoaster, and acceptance can lend peace. We need peace. I hope we can all find it. We deserve our compassion more than anything or anyone. Life is painful, life entails suffering...let us be mindfull, let us be grateful. I am certain that one day we will laugh looking back, or at the very least, feel nothing but detachment from the person we once were and the emotions and feelings which once consumed us. It will take as long as it has to take, but let us procure to not make it longer.
@@frans7995 This is really well written. Thank you! May your journey be a good one
I mean. Best case scenario. But it’s usually totally, irreconcilably devastating.
Who else considers Alain de Botton to be their personal therapist? So grateful for each video.
I think a lot of people like me fall into the trap of thinking we can love enough for the both of us. So it seems sometimes requited love isn’t necessary until you wake up from the euphoria
"There could have been so much more to life than it ever will be"
loved that last line: ".....a very complicated machine, constrained by the narrowness of existencem turning its wheels, tantalised by a vision of happiness, sensing quite rightly and quite hopelessly, that there could have been so much more to life than there ever really will be. "
"We're not getting to know the real person, we're getting an insight into our ideals."
superb takeaway, thanks for writing it down.
This scares me..."please love me for who I am not the projected idealistic version of me."
Proust undestood that "the only successful [sustainable] love is unrequited love." I was in an "unrequited love-ship" for five years! In that time, I read a lot about unrequited love and limerance and I grew to understand that my "love" was something even more unique. I truly value the experience. Thank you for helping to put this idea into the popular mindset!
This video is such a nice hug for lots of people out there.
i've been friends with her for over a decade, and when she showed her true colors and how human she really is like everyone else, weirdly enough, that was when i started to fall for her
Are you together yet?
"To love someone, who, for whatever reason, cannot return your feelings is painful. But if you listen to the poets, perhaps there's a kind of beauty to that love. It burns. Brightest...! And it's never tainted by reality or by overuse. It's clear and fierce today as it was the very first day it began. And there's beauty to that. I think....! At least that's what I cling to anyway."
- A beautiful quote from movie 'Tolkein'
Fuuuuuck. I can't stop thinking about her
Mohamed Chaire in the same boat my friend
I understand my child
Instantly liked this for the Waltz of the Flowers playing in the background
applewitheveryone It distracted me from the content of the video, as it is a piece I love so much
Paula Sofía Contreras
Same here! I kept humming the piece throughout the video that I missed out on a bunch of key points and had to backtrack several times HAHA
Yes ~ This beautiful piece of music made the video even more compelling for me. Perfect touch, Alain de Botton ! :)
I was scrolling through the entire comment section to find the name of this piece. Thank you, I really appreciate it.
lovely... we all have found ourselves in the snares of unrequited love at some point in life; some of us have made a career out of it. Never the less, thank you for romanticizing our human condition; it lifts the burden and gives color to our frayed old love letters that got lost in the cruel postoffice of reality...
beautifully said..
The comment section of people sharing their experiences of unrequited love made me feel less lonely. Thank you for that.
I wish I could stop daydreaming or even regular dreaming. It's like I'm trying to ignore her and move on, but my mind won't let me.
Have you ever tried lucid dreaming and control techniques?
Perhaps try finding a fiction and/or fantasy story to get really engaged with.
Funny thing is, because of this channel i tend to mutually break up with my crush at the end of my daydreams, it's like getting used to the reality that relationships come and go
I actually rather like that idea, like you are consciously 'releasing' them from your mind so it does not consume you.
However, I think that you should keep in mind that while a relationship can end, it can also go on. They're not equally as likely, but the possibility is always there.
Have you watched Alain de Botton's speeches on love? He's the owner of this chanel, and a brilliant person! I recommend.
Bro I do the same thing and I swear it speeds up the process
After every one of these videos I imagine each of us viewers letting out an individual little sigh. Sometimes of regret, nostalgia, sadness...but almost always also of pleasure.
Amazing, wow I would never thought what I had been going throughout my entire life a good thing. He speaks of it in such a way, that I want to experience it again. It is great being able to love and cherish your lover all safely within the confines of your mind.
Golden Lady how is it great when it isn't real
chiki briki Because you get to create your own story and how it goes. Why do you think the book is always is better than the movie? Because while reading the book you can imagine the way the characters are and the way the settings in the book are YOUR WAY. When having unrequited love it does hurt bc that love isn't reciporcated, however, that's ok bc you can imagine that they do and so much more at the expense of no one, YOUR WAY.
I don't want to be a debbie downer but I think if it's really the only type of love one knows then it might in fact be problematic (and this applies to me as well). Attraction is linked to how well our parents responded to us when we were very young and helpless. Attraction is also rooted in familiarity rather than what we rationally think might be an ideal match for us, so if your parents were for example very busy you might find yourself attracted to people who are in some kind unavailable because they're gay or live far away or are your boss (had all 3 of those scenarios) or whatnot. Of course I don't know your personal situation that well but if you always find yourself to be anxious when a potential love interest shows you they care about you even though they seem to be a good match and you like them it might be a structural problem that needs confrontation.
Alice Dée I like that you said that bit about attraction it was interesting and idk that but now I do. 👌 But I'm not saying I'd feel anxious if a person I had feelings for felt the same way. No way! I'd be stoked! What I'm saying and what this video made me realize is that if the person doesn't have feelings for you back, it's ok. Bc you have your mind and in your mind everything can work out the way YOU want to. But ofc do remember that it is just fantasy and not reality. It sure is a great fantasy, tho 😊
Golden Lady I didn't mean the person you like liking you back, but generally anyone. When someone potentially very cool is actually available (from the beginning) and approaches me romantically it scares me off. Thought it might be similar to you. Nevermind :)
"Real Love" in a context of "romantic relationship" doesn't exists if is not shared. If only one side is "in love" this same side is in fact feeding feelings for an idea and ideal and a version of the other person who doesn't really exists outside one's head. It can really lead this same person to do terrible things "in name of love".
"You only see what I want you to see. That's what you're in love with."
- Art3mis
But, of course... you can always feed "Love" as a general, spiritual and humane idea, the type of love that goes beyond reciprocity and that makes life in general worth to live.
"Give, always give what you can... even if your allies draw lines in the sand."
- Nahko
A Nahko reference. A man of culture as well.
Wait Art3mis? As in from Ready Player One. Im the only person that probably loves the movie and the book.
That first quote is spot on. Unrequited love isn't something to be cherished, it's essentially a sickness of the mind that causes you to make terrible life choices and creates a lot of pain both for yourself and the unlucky recipient of your feelings. I wish i'd known years ago how dangerous it is to fixate on an imaginary relationship, it would have saved me a lot of heart-ache. Personally I would advocate the opposite of what this video is suggesting, trying to ground your relationships in reality and see situations for what they really are is a much more healthy strategy then messing yourself up by fantasising too much.
Hear, hear!
Davi de Assis intriguing.
I know the feeling. I might be addicted to it.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved in return" -Nat King Cole, Nature Boy
Best video so far
Abhay Sharma Achha
Khushi Joshi worst
Nah unrequited love is too painful and useless in the end. I am done with these feelings. Being immune to love is actually liberating. More pros than cons.
KRYMauL Which means you probably do.
This idea of "being immune to love" sounds quite tragic. I imagine it's like taking so many emotional blows that you eventually turn numb toward that feeling...
One day you will fall sick again. It is human nature that we crave for affection
Rem Rens Unless your are a psychopath receive and give love is a basic human necessity. Love is a emotion that can't be repressed, you're just deceiving yourself.
I'm saying this because I tried to force my will and rationalization to control the way I perceive affections for years and ended into deep depression.
@MuitoDaora It is possible with training. I haven't fallen in love since and for 6 years now. I also got over my biggest celebrity crush which lasted more than a decade
Unrequited love is all I’ve ever known. It has only ever been the fantasies where I have an inkling of reciprocation of my feelings. I do not know anything else. And because of this I have pushed this idea of love onto a pedestal so high, I no longer can see it. But only remember what it must look like. To all I have feelings for, it’s only ever in my fantasies where I can feel the false made up sense of my pointless worth.
Have you experienced requited love yet?
@@sonyavincent7450 Nope.
@@jjho8 I'm sorry to hear that. Everyone deserves love, I hope you find yours soon.
@@sonyavincent7450 Thank you! I wish i could say things have gotten better in the past 3 years. But it's only seems to have gotten worse. Still, just need to keep swimming.
@@jjho8 that's a real shame. Try and switch your thinking to love being easily reachable and available for yourself. Like you said, if you've externalised love and put it on a pedestal, you've made it very hard for yourself.
I have been hopelessly in love with the same man my whole adult life .And this video brought me to tears .
I cannot thank you guys enough for this video and for your channel in general. I have been able to cope with so many difficulties this past year, and the insight here has been such an irreplaceable support. I've been struggling with ending a marriage that became abusive and crushing on someone who just didn't feel the same way about me, and the feelings of failure and rejection from both of these are hard things to contend with on a regular basis. But this video helps me feel less ashamed to want someone who doesn't want me and to accept myself and not think that I'm simply broken/dysfunctional for feeling so strongly about someone I barely know but see every day at my job, which I happen to love and be great at. Thank you so much for your compassionate explanations
THANK YOU. Really thank you because I am living this situation and besides of caring with the pain of not being able to have a real relationship with the person you love, one has to carry with the huge “stupid” tag on the forehead for loving someone one “shouldn’t”. Your kind way of understanding us unrequited lovers gives me a lot of consolation, saying that it is not a bad thing, as the only thing we are trying to do is love
I needed this since months
Khushi Joshi same
rini Hope you'll get over your crush
When ones crush crushes ones emotions, this so called optimism goes down a very steep slope . something stronger--something alcoholy will do wonders----Cheers
you too :( it sucks
rini Ikr. But I'm sure we'll survive this
I've recently been rejected by a girl. I'm old enough to know that no one is flawless, and I'm aware that I might have idealised her a little bit, as we all do when we like someone we don't know well. However, it's still a bit hard to assimilate that she's just not into me. Thank you for putting things into perspective, and for showing that there are plenty of positive things to get from unrequited love. Keep up the good work!
Um no. Sorry but no. While I applaud you for trying to put a positive spin on something that can be emotionally crippling for many, unrequited love simply isn't like that. A lot of the picture painted in this video is rather unhealthy and the most factual part (about it being a humbling experience) is rather downplayed. This video seems to think that without mutual affection, we won't think about intimate problems they may have like with their family members or something more personal because we don't really know them and our love is only superficial. But when you love someone whether it's returned or not, you will care about their most intimate moments and deepest issues and it's sometimes not being able to do anything about it that makes it so agonizing. You can have all the right answers but simply not be the correct person to give them and make a difference. What this video should instead focus on is how in doing all this we tend to devalue ourselves when we should instead be giving ourselves more value for being able to care and give so much of ourselves to someone who can't return it (something that isn't easy) And it should also explain that by awarding ourselves with more value, we should learn to appreciate and care for our selves more so that we will continue to have enough love to give to that eventual person who will return that love.
tabris95 i agree with you. The picture isn’t rosy at all. It is painful and terrible. I would rather love myself than keep on loving someone who doesn’t give a darn about my existence. Sadly, I too happen to be stuck in such a desolate quagmire.
I think being able to see both sides of it would be liberating for many.
The case you describe is the kind of invested unrequited love that I consider unhealthy. I admire that you can give so much without having it reciprocated but I also think such a situation is toxic. It can drain and wound you with long term consequences.
If I was the target of your affection I would cut you off swiftly and let time and distance help you heal. The fact he/she doesn't do this for you is a pretty bad sign. They might (hopefully unconsciously) use you or be dependent on something you offer and leave you as soon as they find it somewhere else.
As a stranger on RUclips I'm in a bad position to advise you but please be the wiser one and move away from that situation. You have to be responsible towards yourself and put your well-being first. As for the person you love, it would probably be better for them to treat their issues in therapy than have you play up to them. Many people consider the simple fact that someone loves them enough of an excuse to avoid healing themselves.
tabris95
This gave me such a sense of hope
Thank you, sometimes we need a small mommy to snap out of the pain to see that loving yourself,is a key factor in showing love to another person :)
So well put, I agree with you.
For some inexplicable reasons I had tears in my eyes while watching this.
Truly, we are insane.
There is nothing, nothing, nothing to praise about unrequited love. Anybody who could even seriously consider such an idea clearly hasn't experienced it.
Steve Payne couldn’t agree more
I'd say that the more mentally healthy a person is, the more they could accept this video as being true. However, if your general outlook and self-esteem is not good, it's more likely to be crippling, as you suggest.
KindlingKatalyst Thus spake the trained and qualified psychologist ... not.
You do know that that applies to your original comment too, right? And that not everyone experiences things the same way you do, and assuming they do shows an inexperience with, well, diverse human stories.
so, just suffer indefinitely instead of at least trying to find a way to cope?
This video reminded me how lucky we are to be free in our thoughts. And that goes beyond love. We're free to imagine whatever we would like and for humans that is a great many things. I'll make sure not to take that for granted :)
I do like the point made about letting a crush play out in your head just to see what it is that your really looking for in someone but other than that I don't know. I mean sure living out a romance in your head will look a lot nicer than a real relationship but ultimately, its accepting the mediocrity in other people that is harder to do so be careful not to turn a little indulgence into the only way you know how to feel connected to another person.
Dude Everytime I'm in a haze these school of life videos always bring me back. The upload timing of these videos is really magical.
Ongoing for 33 years and counting. Took the fall, paid all the money, went to all the sessions, followed all the advice. Doesn’t seem to help much when there was only one other living person you never hated but it wasn’t returned lol.
I feel you.
the worst is falling into unrequited love consecutive times
it sure makes you lose hope in everything
You and I were only together in my imaginations.
I love how optimistic this video is, that's just how I see it, thanks for putting it out there.
Everyone here saying unrequited love is beautiful obviously haven't experienced it every day of their lives for as long as they can remember. I'm tired, I wish I could turn the switch off, think about anything else, but I can't.
Thank you for making your worst video to date and reassuring my depression.
uau! for how long is you unrequited love exist?
how are you doing now?
"It is the priviledge of unrequited love never to have to encounter the disappointment that follows contact with reality." Goddamn that is the best thing I have heard all week
anyone else got a weird problem where u like unrequited love and the whole pining process, but ur attraction fades once its requited?
I bless the day I stumbled across these videos. I've been questioning my sanity and these videos validate that I am not the only one having these thoughts and that they might simply be, being human. Thank you.
If anyone could make a list of all films they recognize in this footage, I would be eternally grateful. 🙏
Plus the hong kong film, Chunkin express
The gay movie at 3:39 is WEEKEND, 2011
6:01 Black Mirror season 4 ep. 4 Hang the DJ
2:34 is taxi driver
Brazil (1985) also appears multiple times. Lovely and peculiar movie!
How delightful to learn that nothing is worth fretting about.. Rather learn what it is.. Why it is and how everything can serve a purpose in life if done right 🌸
If you're single just get out of your comfort zone and meet and date lots of different people you really like instead of being fixated on ONE PERSON as if they are the last man or woman on Earth - because they are not. This helps with not giving into the fantasies and unrequited love because now you have lots of other romantic options. Get busy actually DATING rather than wasting time in fantasy and hope for something that may never happen. Life isn't a movie where the good guy always gets the girl he's been longing for at the end of the film - movies are make-believe and this is not how things work in the real world. The answer is to broaden your scope and date more people - there is a massive world of potential partners out there to meet and date if you actually go out and try. Then you are too busy to care about the ones who don't reciprocate interest, which prevents major disappointment, heartache, and the wastage of precious time.
David Duncan what if you don’t seem to have any interest in anyone but that one person? And you try so hard to date other people but at the end of each date you come back feeling hollow because the entire time you were hoping it was that one person and not anyone else? How do you cease the endless bouts of tears that don’t let you sleep at night? All of this, while the guy doesn’t seem to give a darn because he probably doesn’t even know you have any feelings for him. It’s just tragic. I don’t want to be fixated on that one person, but sadly I am. I don’t expect anything from this. I just want to move on. I am in deep shit, ain’t I?! 🙇♀️
Anukriti Verma Well why don't you talk to him and see if he's interested? He can't reciprocate your feelings if he doesn't know that you like him.
David Duncan thank you for replying. We were good friends at one point of time but then he started acting distant. So I don’t see a point of expressing my feelings. I want to move on because that seems to be the only option now.
Thanks again for listening. :)
Logic, facts and reason. The capacity to fantasize about love is beautiful, but romanticism in our culture has blinded us to the fact that we could be in a satisfying relationship with virtually anyone we have at least some sexual attraction to and personal common ground with.
Great loves are made, not found.
@@andrewraslan5348 I met a girl four years ago.
We went out.
I knew I would never marry her within two weeks of knowing her.
I don't love her. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not the love of her life either.
Yet we are together. She is kind, thoughtful, happy.
My life is going by, and I wonder if 'that's it'.
Will I ever love someone as they love me?
What a bizarre adventure life is.
"I can't afford to love. I'm afraid if I give too much you'll leave. Everyone does."
Your closing statement is brilliant. IMHO one of best you've ever written.
" _It's just the mind, a very complicated machine, constrained by the narrowness of existence, turning its wheels, tantalized by a vision of happiness and sensing, quite rightly and quite hopelessly, that there could've been so much more to life than there ever will be._ "
sounds too hopeless to me. Constrained by the narrowness of existence? it doesn't have to be that way!
Amazingly written, indeed.
I think this is one of the best videos you've made. Brought tears to my eyes. Thanks.
Unrequited love deprives you of love so that when you come across reciprocated love, you won't take it for granted and will cherish it more.
Each time i watch one of your videos it is as if a dark cloud disappers from my being. Thank you!!!
One of my favorite Frank Sinatra song lyrics... "Unrequited love's a bore.... and I got it pretty bad. But for someone you adore, it's a pleasure to be sad"
Before watching this, I was anxious and nervous trying to decide whether if I should make a move on someone who I fantasize to be with and who will never love me back. But now I’m perfectly calm and won’t dismiss my dreams as silly. whatever happens happens, and if it doesn’t, it’s okay, too. Thank you school of life
Unrequited love is equal parts awful as it is amazing. Like I hated it but I have never felt feelings stronger than when time built up feelings I didn’t know for sure would be reciprocated. I felt at times I would fall over from heart attack. That’s how strongly I felt about this person. It’s so much of a rush you can’t get enough of the high. And yes it’s all chemical but man is it hard for my brain to produce those so I hold them to high esteem whenever they are felt
That last part was beautiful. That happy middle ground. Its the only sane place to live.
“If we really got to choose the person we love, who would be stupid enough to choose someone that never even thought about them once”
Marvin Gaye told us “one way lovin’ is just a fantasy” in “I Want You”.
Story of my life...
Feels like The School of Life knows my current problem. 😅 First time to love someone after 26 years of existence yet not reciprocated. 💔 Thanks to this video though, I now feel a bit better. 😊
I experienced the same at 26, last year... It gets better. ^^
@joan madjus Does it still pains your heart, kind stranger?
I love this man and his loving scepticism. I feel so released from self blame right now.
I appreciate the effort to justify our suffering but honestly Unrequited love is a gigantic shit sandwich and I wish more than anything I could just erase all of it from my memories and I’m sure there’s many (if not all) other afflicted share that sentiment.
Chloe Loves Cats I do 🙇♀️
Amen sister.
Rightly put
Unrequited love has produced some of the best love songs ever.
I would rather have the realism of requited love rather than the boundless hope of unrequited love.
Boundless hope is asking for boundless pain and anguish.
Thanks for that. It justifies having this woman in my mind for the past 30 plus years, if only in my mind.
I settle, love isn't necessarily for everyone.
Everyone deserves love
ryan Love is necessary for everyone you wouldn’t grow up without your mothers love if not your mother some other woman must’ve taken her place and still if you grew up without love that person will turn into a monster
It takes a kind of heroism to actually pursue love, doesn’t it? Because it’s so irrational
This was probably the most relatable video I've ever watched. Thank you for making not feel like crap for being this way.
Fantastic use of classic Hollywood film to paint a picture of what we expect love to be like. Love this channel :)
So sweet and kind words, full of understanding and self-compassion. Thank you for this video.
If I always have that unrequited love is because my mind wants to make me get those qualities of that person who I love? Like I want to '' fix'' myself in a sense?
It reminds me of Neville in Virginia Woolf's The Waves and his unrequited love for Percival. He never gets Percival, but he loves him his entire life. It is a love that is poetic and one that I admire.