This character is unlike those that had it easy and like the rest of the sheeple. Only since 2020 covid has the wrath and curse of the lonewolf been placed on many wannabe newbie lonewolves. Id rather be a wolf than a fornicatng rabbit chad or a well fed easy life sheeple with a big network and networth . A warning to those that think they are better than wolves. The age of the wolves are coming to eat the sheep and rabbits to replenish the forest. You can get a million views spewing your bullshit to other sheeple but since you're the opposite of a wolf, you are bound to lose 🐺
This character is unlike those that had it easy and like the rest of the sheeple. Only since 2020 covid has the wrath and curse of the lonewolf been placed on many wannabe newbie lonewolves. Id rather be a wolf than a fornicatng rabbit chad or a well fed easy life sheeple with a big network and networth . A warning to those that think they are better than wolves. The age of the wolves are coming to eat the sheep and rabbits to replenish the forest. You can get a million views spewing your bullshit to other sheeple but since you're the opposite of a wolf, you are bound to lose 🐺
I'd argue that the ending of the movie was Tom not falling into the same pitfalls as he did with Summer. We can see Tom has actively improved himself and is now pursuing something he is actually passionate about through taking his portfolios to different architecture firms. He is also not as reactive to rejection as we can see him just nonchalantly crossing names of architectural firms he applied to off a list and moving on to the next one. With Autumn too he makes his intentions loud and clear unlike with Summer where he just played along as a friend but secretly wanting something more. He asks Autumn on a date, not a hangout or whatever, and when she rejects him initially, he takes it in stride and does not tie his emotional wellbeing to that rejection in the slightest.
My brother for the longest time would always get hung up on why he couldn't get a girlfriend and the truth is that women can sense when people are nervous, or that your soul intentions are just to go out with them, let me tell you, Things changed for me in dating the moment I took that pressure off, not every girl you talk to has to be asked out, They're people too and sometimes just want a conversation then see where that goes, dating isn't hard if you fix how YOU approach things, And fix the way you ask them out, trust me, she could be more than into you but depending on the way you ask her out, She could easily see you're nervous, and while some girls can find that cute, it can often draw most away, you can't be like: "Hey listen I don't know if you're interested or maybe if you're doing something, but maybe you wanna go out sometime or if not and you're too busy, we don't have to" That instantly comes off as so different than you think it would, because you maybe think you're making her feel free to say "no" But in actuality you're putting all the pressure on her to feel bad for you, instead try this: "Hey I like you, wanna go out sometime?" Saying that confidently with a warm smile is so much more attractive and makes her ACTUALLY feel free to say no if 1) you say it with confidence and 2) you actually follow through if she says "No" and say "Alrighty then" or something like that and then maybe "well if you change your mind, doors always open" it will come across as different to her and you'll stickout amongst the many men who've asked her out in the same way, And just approaching her in that way of calling it a "date" and not some hangout or lunch, women don't want to see a guy tread around the subject
I really should listen to this. I feel like it's choosing between throwing something potentially great away and wondering whether it was the right thing or getting hurt. There are so many red flags im wilfulky ignoring csuse there's also something great there. I think im willing to get hurt. I feel like the pain of wondering what could have been is worse. I may grow to resent that decision.
@@jr5993 this hit hard, i felt the same. but the worst part was i was lying to myself about ignoring red flags. my self deception really hurt my confidence in myself. that i could be trusted. i feel too stupid to live now.
The sequel is Summer calling him up ten years and two kids later after getting divorced. She slides into his dms and wants to recreate the feeling she got when he was so in to her even though she want into him. She is feeling low and wants to play some more head games so she says things like I always loved you. I was just too scared to admit it. I made a mistake. It will be called….after winter, 212 more days of summer.
@@1TightMinute such a blackipilled incel thing to say oml How would that even make sense if she never wanted a boyfriend in the movie in the first place
@@JokienStudios2003 haha. Whatevs. I’ve seen it happen in real time with one of my friends. Maybe she lives happily ever after with her husband but that doesn’t really make a good movie. She obviously loved his attention and was playing games. Otherwise, why would she have a whole conversation with him and never mention she was seeing someone? Why would she invite him to a party and not tell him about her engagement ahead of time? She was upfront with him so the whole movie is on him. However, she loved the attention and if she gets dumped or cheated on she’ll look for the validation he was giving her throughout the first movie in the sequel. I’m not saying all women will do this but that’s the impression I got from here character especially when she does things like tells him she just wants to be friends so he starts treating her like one and then she kisses him in the copy room. At the very least, you have to acknowledge she helped flame his infatuation bc she liked it even though she said she didn’t like him that way. I don’t mean the comment as a black pill statement for all women but it’s a comment about this character in particular. Also, I am incel. I have high blood pressure and my medication makes achieving an erection impossible so you are right about that.
@@1TightMinutelmfaoooo dude you really don’t know how much you just exposed yourself. you’re clearly still bitter about a situation and you’re hoping this happens lol.
Realizing you’re cooked is the first step into changing how you see the world, and realizing your potential for true happiness in your life man Unrealistic expectations are driven into all of us at a young age, some more than others. Outgrowing these expectations and replacing them with real world experience through trial and error will drastically improve the quality of your emotional connections with others. I wish you luck man, I too was cooked once. I now share a home with a beautiful woman who somehow hasn’t noticed what a dork I am haha. Good luck bro, it’s out there.
yo bro ik exactly what it feels like but lucky for us their’s a way out of this and its called time alone, self reflection, and deep psychoanalysis into why you think and feel the way you do. I recommend you look into attatchment theory and anxious attatchment style. These things develop in us over time but recognizing them and healing and learning from them is the key to developing happiness on your own. 🙏🏼
Me too.. deadass was literally like tom same shtttt happen to me.. been focus on my self n growth since then.. don’t worry we will always find another girl pray one without kids
I was just like Tom around his age. First year of college, I started hitting it off with this girl. At the end of our great first date, she said "I like you too, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to date yet." I shrugged it off and said something like: Sure, we can take it slow. Just like Tom, my energy was we were in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we had happy moments & sort of acted like BF/GF, but before too long she began to distance herself. She began talking about another guy. I was overwhelmingly heartbroken. I didn't retaliate; I just let it fade into the abyss. I think she felt a bit guilty about it, she checked in on me a few times (over social media), and when we saw each other in-person we had a polite embrace. Live & learn, I now see that she took me at my word, and was following my lead for a time because it was presumably what I wanted with what she said in mind. No hard feelings, I hope she's happy & healthy. This movie was an ode to a young person's first heart break.
The thing that OP gets wrong is that Summer is being upfront and honest. She's not entirely, and neither was your ex either, and it's something many people experience from people that say "I don't want a serious relationship" or something to that effect. The thing that these people aren't upfront about ever, is the added caveat at the end: "I dont want a serious relationship....with you." Which is why Summer moves onto another guy, doesn't have that issue, your ex thinks about others. It's always the same. The missing piece is that it's with you. Casual relationships are for people that just want to casually date others and never want a relationship (usually only applies to men who women chase after or women who just want fun with the most attractive men), or they will casually date someone, while holding out for a person they want to date seriously, but never vocalize that end part. It's not that they don't believe in a serious relationship - just not with them. Another easy word can be exchanged to summarize this: User. They use people to temporarily fill the void of loneliness until they find someone they do want to be with. While the other person bears some partial responsibility for this, if there was a movie made where the genders where flipped with Summer and Tom, I think many more people would openly empathize with tom more and demonize summer more. If you flip it, the story becomes about a man using/stringing along a woman who falls in love with him for casual sex/intimacy until he gets bored and dumps her. That's the plot if the genders are reversed.
@@EntertheFray1 Intersting points. However, Summer did say with her own words that she didn't want a relationship, even if she didn't say "I just don't with you." It still an overall *No* people are usually truthful when asked these serious questions (unless they have a nefarious agenda). Could Summer have worded is to be even more direct? Sure, but should the counterpart expect that? Absolutely not. Based on how we Summer at the start (watch for her "hair" line/symbolism) I argue she was clinically depressed and *at that time* didn't want a monogamous relationship, but it was her relationship with Tom that she indeed did learn what she liked and wanted. Tom got the stinging truth at the end, but it helped him move on. There is no immunity to what you mention about people using others to "fill the void" but the key to it is not enabling it by setting firm boundaries. When you get emotionally connected with someone (guy or girl) the boundaries become blurred (you got deep-wired biology working against you). If Tom kept firm with his boundaries, he would have said something like "I'm seeking a monogamous relationship. If you change your mind & I'm single, I'd love to give it a try. We can still be friends, but I dont want to get more intimate without dating first."
@@Tgogators The point I'm making is that you cannot trust what Summer says and take it at face value. She is an unreliable narrator in this story. There's a comment here pointing something out. Before tom ever confessed how he felt about her, she refers to him as Werther - a reference to an 1800s story about a man in love with a woman and it was about his unrequited love. This points out she knew how he felt about her way before he even told her, but most importantly, ALSO how she felt about him. She didn't see any aspect of her ever falling in love with him or wanting anything serious with him. Also, the latter part of the movie, where tom thinks over the signs of withdrawal from her, where she would pull her hand away etc, also point out she knew how she felt about Tom. So why did she say she didn't want anything serious, when the real issue is her feelings with tom? Because that is our modern generation and how they date someone they don't have any real interest in, but want to string along for their own reasons of what they get out of it. Perhaps it's sex. Maybe it's the ego boost and validation. Perhaps they like the person enough, but don't consider them long term potential but want some fun anyway. But these people know that if they outright come out and say any of that, this person won't get involved with them. So they form a plausible deniability case of "I don't want anything serious " That way, the plausible deniability suits them. If the other person continues, good. They get what they want with no obligations since they don't really see them as LTR potential. But if the other person complains - well they did say after all they didn't want anything serious, it's their fault for not listening. They gave them heads up. It's a copout reason masquerading as plausible deniability on both ends, and it's fairly transparent these days. Seen as a massive red flag. You can just pop onto any place that has people talking about dating or any dating forums/videos etc and you will see this situationship stuff pop up. The person doing it isn't looked upon favourably by more experienced vets. You are correct in how to handle it, but if someone hasn't experienced it before, you cannot blame them for how they handle it. Tom took what she said at face value, as does everyone else in real life that the other person doesn't want anything serious, thinking it's a temporary issue that can be resolved. But there's no resolving it if it isn't true to begin with.
You *could* interpret this as an immature anxiously attached person maturing or as a traumatized avoidant from a broken home traumatizing some other guy into avoidant behaviour too.
I agree that both perspectives were presented, but the film was about tom, so I think it makes sense that the video focuses primarily on his journey. What I do think however is that there’s some gaslighting present here for the sake of narrative consistency: tom is subtly blamed for his inability to navigate modern dating mores. He’s basically a guy from the 50s totally ignorant of how modern relationships have devolved into ephermeral, mutually parasitic thrill-rides as typified by the ‘situationship’ which he agrees to without fully understanding. And summer willfully strings him along throughout, just going with it, enjoying the experience, operating on a faux-instinctual level the entire film. And there’s no judgement leveled her way by the presenter. She carelessly strings him along, the final insult being that scene on the train, the dinner/garden party or whatever. And he’s just supposed to take it, because it’s the journey or whatever. She bears him no more ill-will than a cat playing with its food. But tom’s the one who’s completely at fault.
@@elmatasesues3630 I'm glad you said this. It is very true and you are very mich right, and I hate how Tom is constantly portrayed as this almost as if evil stupid guy - if I exaggerate.
Neither of them were really bad people, they just weren’t really compatible. I dislike how much we vilify Tom without taking note on how Summer knew his views on love and continued to flirt and interact with him “romantically”. They both thought they could change each other and couldn’t, there is no bad guy in this story.
Take a good look at who vilifies Tom, its always women, women like summer who have unhealthy avoidant attachment style, which pretty much sums up 80%(if not higher) of women today; trauma victims of divorced parents because of feminism. Always shopping for a better man. The creator of this video knows this and is avoiding being cancelled.
@@liuser The best part is Im literally talking about the bad things Summer did and they’re acting as if I said it was entirely Toms fault lmao. Tom thought he could make her believe in “true love” even after being told she didn’t believe in it, and summer was content in keeping Tom around for fun, but being ambiguous enough on the status of their relationship to stop him from leaving. My point is that neither of them were remarkably bad people they just weren’t exactly compatible, but I think that may have gone over the replies heads.
@@mashpotatosauce3566 yeah, plus they'ee giving incel energy with how they talk about women (at least that's the case with the first guy). second comment outright misses the point entirely.
I'm not sure if I agree with your cynical view on the ending. The final act of the movie goes to great lengths to show that tom is breaking out of the hopeless romantic cycle. He finds the motivation to pursue the things he loves and no longer subscribes to "the one" narrative that he's believed for so long. In fact, him cutting off the narrator mid-sentence is a straight reference that he's no longer following the narrative that romance movies follow.
This story is very similar to a hard life lesson I learned while in college. This one girl I was vibing with in the beginning ghosted me. It threw me into an absolute mental breakdown over her. In the meantime, there was another woman at my same college who I worked with that seemed into me, but I wasn't sure how I felt about her. I went through that whole semester so blinded by my mental breakdown I missed what could've been there between me and that other coworker. She eventually quit to better manage her own college coursework and career prepping, but getting her number to see what was there was a total afterthought til it was too late. Let this be a lesson: don't let people who aren't into you blind you from whoever else is out there that could be a better person for you.
Don't blame yourself. It's sure is just an afterthought, you can't know for sure something would have happened between you and that coworker, in the end, you weren't that interested, why force it? There's plenty of people, hope you will find your happiness
I seen this when I was 16. And like Tom I misinterpreted it as a romance movie. Not till I really watched it as a young adult did everything really hit and click. And like him I fell for my best friend and seen everything we did as romantic. At 29 I’m finally truly working on myself more than “romantic” relationships. School, happiness, new hobbies. Perfect time to see this. Great analysis vids btw! New sub here. Cheers ✨
@@LilXancheXidk man, it’s crazy that people have emotional bonds I guess lmao. Human beings having complex relationships is a thing that tends to happen ya know?
It shows that you have matured. Maturity and self reflection is necessary to develop a healthy romantic relationship. I suggest you research about what makes a relationship healthy, openness and vulnerability, positivity (and how to avoid toxic positivity), what women want from men (and what men want from women), toxic relationships and red flags, dating ideas (how to be romantic), questions to ask (how to get to know someone). Then you will be better prepared when you are ready for a romantic relationship. The work of psychologist Dr. John Gottman reveals the essential aspects of making a relationship work. It is amazing that Hollywood can make a movie about romance that is actually about individual growth and self development.
@@LilXancheX A best friend often makes the best life partner. Today there is so much emphasis on having sex with strangers based on superficial characteristics. When you feel emotionally connected to your partner, sex becomes one way among many to experience pleasure and relationship satisfaction with your partner. He saw it as romantic because he felt connected with his best friend and desired a deeper relationship with someone he already knew.
I love this movie. The ending for me is a happy one. He learnt his lesson and he knew meeting Autumn was nothing more than a coincidence. He took Autumns rejection smiled and left. That’s when Autumn felt more comfortable. He didn’t push her like he pushed Summer.
This movie does an excellent job at highlighting an important point most romance movies never highlight on; sometimes, the only thing preventing us from experiencing true love is actually ourselves.
Being a hopeless romantic is one of the best feelings in the world. Being able to open one’s heart for another, even if it’s not reciprocated, is not a wrong way to approach life. My point of contention is trying to force a relationship where one does not exist. It’s ok to love unconditionally and fiercely - the problem in this case (solely based on the summary since I haven’t seen the movie) is that he had an outcome that he was trying to achieve. He was determined at any cost to make her love him. You can’t make someone love you - love has to be received freely. You can give someone all the love that you have to muster and then some - doesn’t mean it’ll be returned to you from that person. And that is ok. Someone who’s meant for you will freely return that love and affection back to you - you just gotta keep being your hopelessly romantic self. Closing yourself off may only lead to you missing out on that person that can be your hopelessly romantic match.
Thank you for this comment, you conveyed exactly what I feel is off with the comments here. Nothing is wrong with being a hopeless romantic in and of itself. The issue here is not accepting rejection and pretending fantasy is reality. I have never done this in my life as someone who is a hopeless romantic. I have never forced my delulu fantasies on anyone. I keep them to myself when I have them. I love freely giving love without expecting anything in return and often do even if it is not reciprocated. Loving someone is a wonderful experience and for me even the pain (heartbreaks and such) is sweet in its own way.
All of this is great and all and I really want to believe in this, but 1. when you've never been taught how to ask a girl out proper/never bothered thinking about it seriously up until a certain point, you find yourself stuck/insecurities arise when trying to ask a girl out, which in turn leads to not even being taken seriously about it while not knowing where/how to get started on all this 2. the girl you've been friends with while having a secret crush on for years tells you "even if I wasn't already in a relationship, I would still not consider you as a dating/partner option". All of this then leads to the issues described in the video and other comments: being in your mid 20s, and seeing what feels like literally every single other person around you already being in a relationship not only makes you wonder what you're missing to not have a partner of your own yet (assuming you're in the same conditions as everyone else, aka no disabilities/bad past records), but worst of all start questioning if "available" options even exist anymore; basically everyone's already taken, and even if they're somehow not, they'll most likely smell your intentions from miles away and instantly put up all kinds of barries to keep you away. Especially if you've never learned how to have "deep conversations", whatever that even means....But yeah all of this makes me wonder what's even the point of loving/being attracted to someone if my feelings risk just being invalidated like that.
So am I. I scorn myself for it, though. It’s like I know it’s unrealistic but love is so easy to romanticise and fantasise about when you’ve never actually been in a relationship before. It overwhelms me to the point where I think it may just solve a lot if I could feel it. It makes me cry, too. Never having felt loving arms embracing me or having listened to words of love truly sucks the life out of me
@sweetestaphrodite finding love and then it leaving is so much worse. I protected myself for years and now that im making myself vulnerable im experiencing so many difficult emotions.
I am literally Him, hah. Watching this movie made me feel like I am looking through some distorted mirror. You see, I am autistic and, even tho I am quite old, I have a mind of a kid. It's no one's fault, really, but I am really honest, childish and open. So when I actually fell in love with a girl for the first time, it was... painful. Because she was a manipulative cheater. Kept breaking up with me, coming up with different lies just to cover herself, while sleeping with others. And I was there, with flowers, completely naive, just to have my heart shattered again and again. I was beyond obssessed with her, because she was cute, funny, comfortable to be with, but, in the end, she was an awful human being. I am glad I found strength to break up with her. Do I fell lonely? You bet I am. Insecure? Dissapointed? Lost in life? Sure. But at least I try to mature and don't trust people who don't deserve it. At least I don't act like a dog chasing a car, hoping it would solve all of my life problems. Tbh, I don't think I will ever meet the right person. I tried, and tried, and tried, and failed. So I am doing the best thing possible in this scenario and focus on myself.
Man I’m sorry that happened to you, but you seem to have come out a better and more mature person on the other side, so maybe it was necessary for you (similar thing happened to me). And mate, you will find the right person some day. I can understand not feeling hopeful that you will if you’ve been heartbroken many times, but you will meet the right person some day. Stay hopeful. Don’t obsess over it though. Don’t force anything. Just keep doing what you love, and when the time is right, you’ll meet The One.
Autistic woman here and I feel this. My bad relationship ended up in me nearly losing my life, so that taught me. Had to change countries, careers, mindset, everything. Tbh if i had stuck with the old life materially and character-wise I would be much worse off than i am now. I still cry over the fact that i will not have children though because im just unable to do the modern dating thing. Like, if I have to be always vigilant and performative i do actually prefer being alone. Last year i met someone but it didn’t work out - I felt like he had some borderline features- but he hasn’t been making good choices in life and probably needs help. Still it’s nice that the end doesn’t feel so dramatic. So maybe it’s worth it to not give up, not get bitter.
@@LordGreninjack I am not optimistic anymore... not everyone will find "the true love" or even just a partner they can trust. It's a game of chance. Still- thanks for the support, it means a world to me, you stopped by and gave a thoughtful response, it's very kind
@@theorycompanies I hope you'll find someone (or not if you decide to be alone- probably can be happy just by yourself if you put your mind to it). I want to change countries as well, since I live in a pretty bad place (it's Russia, do I need to explain more?), but it costs a lot of money, needs some sort of plan, plus my health is kinda bad so I need to fix it beforehand. I want to improve the quality of my life. And if you don't/can't have children, if you want them, you can apply for adoption program or, how is it called, artificial impregnation (the one that doesn't require a male partner). My friend plans to do that. I know, more natural process would be favorable, but still- there are options if that's what you want. I think it's easier for a woman to find a partner than for a man, but you already had your heart broken pretty bad + you're autistic and we're pretty sensible and quite attached to others (my last ex found a new guy after 2 months, me? 5 years ad counting, because I still don't want to trust anyone and feel a lot of pain), so it's up to you.
@@looniemoonie5955 Aw mannn. You’re right about it being difficult to find true love, but it’s definitely not impossible. If you’re not optimistic about finding love anymore, go out there and live your life. Put your energy into your career and focusing on yourself and being kind to others. Theres a quote that I basically live my life by: “Don’t chase butterflies- build a garden. If you chase butterflies, you’ll never catch one. But, if you build up a beautiful garden, one day the most beautiful butterflies ever will come to you. And if they don’t, you’ll still have a beautiful garden.” It means don’t bother going after relationships and seeking true love. Focus on building up yourself and your career and your happiness, and one day you might just meet The One when you least expect it. And if not? No worries! You’ll be super happy and awesome so it won’t even matter. But 99% of the time if you truly truly grow as a person, you WILL find true love!!! Best of luck in life man! ❤️
This movie hit home, as someone that wants to find their life partner I relate to Tom a lot. Except my summer told me she wanted to be with me and have a life with me and then she chose an abuser over me but hey I’m doing the best I can day by day.
You're looking for A life partner. The reality of life is often a bag of dicks, but a worthy one nonetheless. You "just" need someone with largely the same values and ambitions (like do you want kids, if so how many, how do you see the household running). Then you can weather storms together you wouldn't have had to experience alone. But that's apparently what growing up, then old, is. Unicorns do not exist. And if they existed they surely wouldn't want to be with you. True love may be recognizing that our partner is good enough, and never stopping to work on the relationship, because ultimately, the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships
7 years ago I got my heart absolutely caved in by entering into the exact same situation as Tom. Same story of delusional one-sided love. Then a very good friend showed me this movie. But at the time what he wanted to convey to me was just the idea of "sometimes relationships don't work out" and glossed over all the great positive things you mentioned in this video, such as the weight he places on Summer to find completeness, and how after they depart he starts to go back to architecture. In sober retrospect this is a great movie, but having these details pointed out has deepened my appreciation for it. Great movie, great analysis!
I loved their conversation on the park bench, when she says, I just knew, and then he asks what, to which she replies, "What I was never sure of with you". Sometimes people without realising, falls in love with the idea of a person, and not the person themselves. That's when the conflict happens, when the fantasy of them in their head, doesn't match with the reality. That's what happened to Tom. He literally wanted to coax Summer into thie perfect partner, but Summer was just herself. Brilliant film. Off topic, I also feel that Jack dawson from Titanic had this same manic pixie dream boy energy; he met Rose, they spent a great couple days, then he died, leaving her with a life lesson, and character development that led her to have a very eventful and great life, which would never be possible had Jack lived and she became a destitute artist's wife.
Could you please elaborate on the life lesson you're talking about if possible, Btw this comment made me think for a while, expanded my views, thanks for that
The dream never lives up to the fantasy…..for all rose knew, jack could have been a womanizer who ran that same game on every rich girl he met. Things hit different when you get a little older.
Tbh I find it toxic that Summer approached Tom and talked about her wedding and how sure she was etc. Tom did NOT need to hear all of that. She shouldn't be in Tom's life anymore. She also had the guts to invite Tom to her engagement likeee what is she trying to do???? She knew they had something going on, Tom was affected and she did not really have a single respect for Tom, let alone his peace of mind.
He wanted to romanticize her. All the old romances are a women saying no and being courted into realizing he’s the one. He loved the narrative that you should chase. He didn’t realize that narrative is a lie. It’s a lie this movie made me accept is a lie as well. Women know fast when you are the one. They don’t need convincing.
Here is the big flaw in Tom, and it's a growing & learning process: He was dishonest, even (and perhaps worst of all) with himself. This is most obvious when he made the choice to continue with Summer despite her honest answers to it. But it echoed throughout his whole character: he worked at a job he hated, and was neglecting his true calling, he lacked ambition; Summer even mentions this at the engagement party. Once he was honest with himself, he started growing & progressing (evidence by the building he was in at the end, bigger & better), and he found someone new (funny how that works...)
See it's funny how you can watch a movie twice at different points in your life and feel two different ways about it. When I watched it for the first time a couple years back which was right after I was done with a relationship I felt like I was tom, hopeless romantic that felt like true love could spark at any moment and I could live happily ever after with that certain someone. Now a couple years later and I think I feel like summer, not putting pressure on situations and enjoying the opportunities when it comes my way. Kind of nice to look back at it and see how much I have grown as a person from where I was the first time I watched it.
When it ends in happiness n success > Love story made in heaven When it ends in pain and sadness > Hopeless Romanticism Be respectful, compassionate, confident, honest and have self respect and then let the ship sail on its own.. In either of the cases, you will become a better person.
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing. Many fathers and brothers are hoping that their daughters/sisters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships. The overprotective father/brother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers/brothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters/sisters ever dating if that ever happened. People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
I feel like those of us born around 1990 got so screwed with the media we grew up with as teenagers. This hopeless romanticism was everywhere in the 2000s . I'm glad the generation after us is roasting the crap out of it bring us all back down to earth. I'm still trying to unwind my fantasy from my real life expectations of relationships in my 30s. It's a work in progress
If you persist, dogmatically, with this quality, this depth of analysis, you will be recognized for it. This is a great work. And your voice is pleasant to listen to.
@@Renzy_YT to quote what you said in another video, your video on Marco Pierre White, even if you aren't recognized for it--because there are plenty of people that do good work and don't get credit or recognition--I hope you derive some modicum of pleasure, enjoyment and fulfillment.
Hey man, 12 million views in 2 years is amazing. 47k subs is great. Good job. Not sure why I like your channel so much. But I loved this movie, and I enjoy your analysis even though it's kinda painful. Hopefully when I visit this in another 2 years you'll hit 100k subs.
@@slewniverse5962 Well, there's a ton of stuff to say about this. I don't know your situation, but I'll try to explain how it used to be for me. For me, I used to have an elevated sense of self-importance that was somehow combined with extremely low self-esteem. I didn't believe that being happy while single was possible. I hated myself, but thought I deserved somebody else who would make me "whole" because I was "nice". I would get stuck in a mindset that I deserved the other person after doing the bare minimum to be nice, and they'd just be like... living their life and thinking about other stuff. That type of person would NEVER meet the obsessive expectations I had, which was to essentially make me their world. Being in a healthy relationship isn't two halves coming together to make a whole, but rather, two wholes synthesizing to lift each other up. That doesnt happen for hopeless romantics. They have a tendency to be obsessive and selfish, and their possessiveness will smother the other person. They need to work on being a person that other people will want to be with, and they'll know they are there once they can be happy with themselves. TLDR, I'm of the opinion that if you can't learn to love and respect yourself, you'll be unhappy whether you're in a relationship or not. And your relationships will fall through anyway. This is easier said than done, but you should work to become a happy person while single.
@@slewniverse5962 Build self esteem and confidence from building habits about stuff you enjoy. i recommend getting into fitness, and other than that pursue hobbies. practice mindfulness to think about why youre feeling bad sometimes. you got this
Haven’t seen the movie, but listening to the analysis, I realized that I’m in almost exactly the same situation that is portrayed in the film with a girl that has indicated to me on several occasions that she is both not interested in me and not interested in men at all. Despite this, I cherish the relationship we have like it was romantic because I am completely in love with her. I really shouldn’t be, but I can’t seem to move on. I just can’t get past the rejection, my mind shoved it aside as if it’s too terrible to be true. This is a cry for help. I know I don’t have a chance with her, but I can’t stop myself from wanting to be with her. We’ve grown so close that staying friends is painful. I just want so bad to be able to share intimacy with someone special. To have what everyone else around me seems to have: someone to love. Nothing I do changes my relationship status though. I know I need to slow down and focus on myself, but I have absolutely no desire or energy to. I see no point in bettering myself if there’s no one to better myself for. I know that’s a bad mentality, but it’s how I feel. I need somebody soon.
Hard. Can you put a physical obstacle between the two of you? Like, move to another city? Can you try telling yourself that this is just your brain; that it's your own creation? Because it is! Unless you work or study together, or live in the vicinity, can you consider communicating less? then your brain space would open up to other occupations. Sometimes it's just a habit, an addiction. Once you realize it, you may check yourself at any attempt to call her number. E.g., when you feel like sending her an sms, stop and to some laundry instead. :) A few hours later, when you have a new urge, do some cooking instead. Or go out and run a mile. Such actions would purely-mechanically, reduce contact. A worse technique is to look for and find some turn-offs. Some negative feature in her character or even body. it does not seem nice, but then too: it's about rescuing you AND her drawbacks actually may be real. Imagine you live with her daily. Can you sustain her being angry with? Will she get cruel or violent against you? Would she stand by you, if you ran into a serious health problem or a problem with justice system? Just mental experiments. Nobody is perfect, neither is she. There must also be other girls in the world, and some may be better for you - your time also matters. And once you make up your mind really to break it up, just go for it, and don't look back. I wish I had been as smart as I'm saying myself. But at least now, as I start thinking too often of a certain person in a shiny way, I check myself: "Stop, we've already been there. This is how it all begins. With my own brain."
Tom was a delusional person, like every hopeless romantic one was, but summer was not innocent in all this. She gave a lot of mix signals. It was not only about "i don't want something serious". At one point in the movie she goes back to tom after she left him, that could confuse anyone. Also the idea that you can have intimate physical relationships with someone and not gain feelings for that person is quite naive and disregarding for her part. I know it is not Toms case because he already made a film in his head about her from the first time he saw her, but i point this out because in all the analysis i watched about this movie, it is always toms fault about everything and that could not be further from the truth.
Tom was delusional because of his love style. Summer gave mixed signals because of her love style. Both of their love styles were naturally attracted to eachother even though it would end in a disaster the way Tom pushes himself on Summer. And Summer pulling back, allowing Tom to push on her more.
Seriously, she is playing games and she knows it. Whatevs. She flat told Tom she wasn’t that into him and he refused to listen. That’s on him but that doesn’t excuse her behavior, some of which is toxic as hell…..like inviting him to the party and not giving a heads up that she was engaged, sitting and having a whole conversation before that and never mentioning that she was seeing someone, ect.
@@1TightMinuteyeah women often say one thing but mean another. Movies especially propagate this truth. She was lying to him. She wanted something serious she just didn’t want it with him. He persisted cause he thought that was what he was supposed to do.
There are no real villains in this story. It's a somewhat common dramatic device, even dating back to works of literature written 100+ years ago. The nitty-gritty of it that that, who they were at the time, their values contradicted. If a romantic couples values contradict (keyword is a "contradict" you'll never find someone who matches your values perfectly) their relationship will not survive long-term, well they will both be miserable. Tom and Summer, in-time, learned from each other and grew from their experiences. The most wise-saying I've ever heard plays a role here: If two people like each other and want to be together, nothing in the world will keep them apart, if they aren't meant to be/one doesn't want to, nothing in this world will keep them together.
as someone who got heartbroken by the girl i loved beyond infinity, this movie was a slap in my face and i really liked your video. thanks for sharing.
The algorithm must've been listening in on my conversations, because this vid was recommended to me just days after a breakup with a girl I've been with for the last 1.5 years (longest relationship I've had to date). While given past experiences with other girlfriends, I feel while I'm not on Toms' level (I certainly used to be), there is still some lingering issues that needed resolved, of which you explained and laid out greatly in this vid. My now ex-girlfriend (we actually were official for a little over a year) is nearly a shoe-in for Summer; mostly cold and cynical, brought on by childhood trauma. I held the delusion in my head that I could change her for the better, but after all that time and placed into prospective by this vid, people will only change if they want to. More so, if that flame isn't reciprocated and tended to over time for each other, it'll obviously snuff itself out. The breakup was mutual, like Toms' ultimately was, and likewise my ex cited that she didn't feel the same for me as I did for her. This was another shot of reality, and as someone who considers themselves a realist, has a bit of an ironic twist. Thank you again for making this, having that perspective is always helpful, and with any experience there's lessons to be learned.
I experienced this on a milder level recently, and this video brought up some things that I hadn't fully iternalized. However, despite knowing I have to stop thinking that way and how much I want to move on, I just can't seem to get away from it.
same thing happened to me this summer and broke off into the fall. just getting over it and starting to feel a lot better now. it comes with time, my friend.
Jesus, I am literally like Tom and I ended up with similar disaster. Every thing you mentioned it was accurate to me. I met my ,,destiny girl'' in college it was so painfull to seeing her in class after our quarrel, that I quit college. In my heart I still hope that I end up with her...
@@isaiahpaul56 I'm very sorry to hear that. Even if we become to be normal romantic person it will still hurt us, cause romance is dead end. Women never was very romantic to begin with, all the romance was created, by soft, naive men to live with women with more subtle and noble reasons.
@@czaweenuh There are different vision of love. But in reality, women and men are not loving the same way. The image of love showed, by men in romance genre is unfortunately lie, illusion. There are no men, who get love from women they love just because who they are inside. Only women have privilege to get almost unconditional love from men. The love which women love to read and watch is very rooted to their nature. Mafia boss, pirate, vampire, rich player, all these guys have assets and dominance. Women are pragmatic lovers, men are idealistic lovers.
@@Piotrf19believe me women are very romantic that’s why some of them will date man-kids hoping they will mature some day, idealizing them in their head
Something really neat that I found out about this movie while watching a yt video about the origins of romanticism is that before Tom ever confesses his attraction to Summer, she calls him "Young Werther" (I hope I spelled that right) if you are unfamiliar with this piece of writing, it's a sad story from like the 1800s about a young German man who falls in love with a woman who doesnt feel the same. He waits like a decade and runs into her again and throws himself onto her and she again shunts him and he leaves to go commit suicide. Before Tom ever tells Summer how he feels, she knows that he likes her, she knows that he will throw himself to her, and she knows how it will all end for Tom. I have a feeling that she can fortell all of this from the moment that they first make eye contact. If your curious which part it is, it's the scene from the bar. She says, in a british accent,"I nominate young Werther here." Which is an insane thing to call someone if you know what she means by it.
Yes she says this in a response to him saying he beliefs in love. Not that he is in love. In that bar scene they have a disunion about falling in love. Tom claims this happens. Summer says it doesn't exist. They discuss. They agree to disagree and then she says that line. It is only after the bar that MCENZIE confesses that Tom likes Summer and the movie shows that she is surprised by this. So maybe she does but the scene you are referring to is not proof of this.
Renzy, you know too much, bro. This was the most unexpected and impactful film I've ever seen, and the way you put into words and synthesized all the aspects I missed was incredibly useful. I've watched this video three times since yesterday, when I saw the movie. Now I'm going to stop it, that's enough, and I'd better talk to that girl...
This is really great. Most comments I see on other videos are fixated on painting either Tom or Summer as the “bad guy” of the story. When realistically it’s neither of them. They’re both equally confused and naive in their own right
I've done my own research on these situations and its because Tom has an Anxious love style, coining him as the "hopeless romantic" and summer has an Avoidant love style, "coining her as cold". The Anxious person puts their emotional weight on another person and the Avoidant accepts any emotional weight on them which is why they easily attract eachother. Tom doesnt see the blind dates because they are carrying their own weight where summer is accepting of it, which is unhealthy.
your comment had me stuck for a little bit. could you explain more about what you mean? or like in a more simpler way 😅. i feel like i could get something out of this since i see myself as a hopeless romantic so i could kinda step away from it
Avoidants don't accept those emotions. Summer doesn't accept that at all and she tells him so. Yes, it was naive or selfish of her to suggest something casual (depending on your pov) but she never accepts the emotional weight. I don't think she's avoidant anyway, she gets married soon after Tom. She just didn't like him, and not believing in love at the time, she took his attention and whatever other positives he brought while knowing how he felt would doom them eventually like women often do.
@@codered6907 do a google search for attachment styles and you'll find tons of information. You're likely an anxious attachment style as well if you consider yourself a romantic. I do as well. You can work on it and become a secure attachment. Which is someone that enjoys a relationship but doesn't need one.
For anyone that has been friendzoned, this movie can give you a good look at yourself. This video was also a good analysis when it comes especially to the dynamics of unrequited love
no, the thing is summer didnt have any red flags, she told him "hey, i dont want anything serious" and he lied saying oh yeah me too! thinking he could change her. he got obssed with her, infatuated. the leason is more about how you approach love. dont run into relations ships being bc you crave being loved.
@user-ff5zm7ic4v oh she wasn't sure about anything in her life and her mind was all over the place but the point is correct he was super obsessed with her and focused on locking her down instead of going with the flow and seeing where things go and not meeting more people especially when she mentioned not looking for anything serious
Amazing video that I feel brings a new perspective to the movie, the point about Tom basically treating Summer as a manic pixie dream girl that will give him the drive and motivation it takes to accomplish his goals is too true, and a hard thing to get out of, the biggest fight of life is finding security in yourself, we are just too used to seeking validation as it drives people towards action so easily, it's like a quick drug. Having a high self esteem, loving what you do, realistic expectations/stakes and just being disciplined is a lot harder to do and takes a lot of work and maturity.
I have never seen this movie, but it seems to pretty much described a situation I am currently going through. I feel like it's going to end the same. Thanks for saving me the heartbreak. Great video bro
I generally hope now that there would be a youtube video about escapism. Maybe you Renzy? I really feel that this movie character thinks about love same as I. Now little a bit grown up I am not thinking with escapism mindset so strongly anymore, but looking back in time, Sure, I was like dreaming what could just happen with somebody I had a crush on, but really we were only friends or even that...
Beautiful analysis. This movie is definitely was one of my favorites to discuss because of its ambiguity on perspective. Tom represented idealization and Summer was realism. When I first watched this film, I was a lot younger and felt bad for Tom and felt like summer was the “bad guy.” But as I got older I sided with Summer. It’s not inherently to say that Summer was not in the wrong whatsoever, but you come to realize that these two different characters simply weren’t compatible. Tom’s hyperfixation of love led him to believe that was the center focus of his life. Since he lacked something to be passionate about he spent his time in this bubble of escapism. As where Summer approached her life with a pragmatic viewpoint. It does go to show you the implications of painting high expectations of people and how reality plays out, because I’m sure we’ve all had our own Summer once at some point in our lives. You live and you learn from it. Truly enjoyed this video! I love watching film analysis videos especially to read other people’s thoughts and insights on films like these. Great narration as well, will be subscribing!
Tom is concerned with love because love is the thing that drives us at a base level. children, family, stability etc, all stem from love and are far far more important than supposed passions for jobs. Architecture for the most part is like any job, a way to earn money. If you flip the genders around, there's an interesting dynamic. Let's just use the same character names but flip the roles. Summer is the one that falls in love with Tom. Tom isn't interested in anything serious, but casually see's Summer. Eventually he has enough and breaks off with Summer and ends up finding a woman to marry. How does Tom sound when the roles are flipped? Sounds like user, right? He strung Summer along, knowing he doesn't see her in any real way, but not able to tell her, and eventually when he gets bored or see's summer get too invested, breaks it off. Summer is partially responsible, but Tom isn't being very honest here - The end of the movie proves, as with all cases, it's not that they weren't interested in anything serious. It's that they weren't interested in anything serious, WITH THEM. It's always the unsaid part. The movie ironically romanticizes this aspect, that she just magically "clicks" with the one, but honestly in reality it's always the same - The people in 'situationships' or casual relationships, it's not that these people don't want a serious relationship, they do eventually - it's just not with that person. But it's never vocalized and always left unsaid. In the meantime, those people end up using the person in love to temporarily fill the void of loneliness and to have some intimacy, while rationalizing their selfish behaviour with the justification "I told them I don't want anything serious" - Not that "I don't see you as someone who I would ever want a serious relationship with or fall in love with". Because those are two different things, and if the second, more honest thing would be said, that person would never get involved in the first place. I agree with OP in some aspects, but I don't think he does a good job analyzing summer.
@@EntertheFray1 I don't know where these people come from, with their confidence and their "authority" to call "idealised" love immature, a mistake, whatever. Like you said, they claim that you should just drop any expectations of others and pursue your own little goals, career, "passions" without involving others, or at the very least be completely detached if anyone else does get involved. I agree with you though, I think love should actually be at the heart of everything, it is pretty much the fundamental human need (other than the regular animal needs like food and sleep), the only thing I would claim has meaning in this world. Of course, this is all just opinions, like thinking vanilla is better than chocolate, but for some reason the "just focus on yourself" crowd thinks it's not only "objectively right", but that the other side is deserving of the most serious condemnation, deserving of being utterly vilified. If anything, what we can empirically study would actually side with the idealists, the hopeless romantics. We know loneliness is one of the biggest killers, we know that by far the biggest predictor of happiness is the quality and depth of your relationships, not money or "doing your own thing". We know babies will die from lack of love. I don't know, good for them if they became jaded and they really think they are better off. But I can't stand how they act as if they were the sole owners of the absolute truth of the world.
Do you acknowldege though that Summer is not innocent in this story? She DECLARED that she was not interested, but didn't she, afterwards, give him every affirmative signal possible? remember that photocopy room scene - who initiated it? the IKEA bed trial? She saw through him, she knew the game she was playing, she pushed every button - but for him, it was not a game. They basically became like a couple - and of course he fell for it, bc that was what he had wanted. She certainly is pragmatic, like most women are, but in a dishonest way. Had she stayed indifferent and cold, none of this would've happened.
This made me realize I almost fell in a situation just like this, but I'm lucky I already started to work on myself and accepted they can't and won't love me, no matter how much I fantasize. It's painful, but it's way better than to realize too late that you acted immature and desperate and feel ashamed.
3:36 Alright, I got what I needed from this, I don't have to watch the rest of the video now. The entirety of the dangers of infatuation has just been explained in that one sentence.
“You can’t say or do the right thing, for the wrong person”- so true. The problem is we really want the wrong person to finally be the right person cause we are just so tired of only dealing with the wrong people 😅
I've been this guy before, even somewhat recently, & what I realized at the end of the day is that you only open your heart to others that open theirs back. Sadly, in the modern dating scene dudes like Tom are chewed up & spit out. They are built for courtship, not casual "situationships". Realizing that what I needed was to find someone not only compatible but also with their head in the right place has made all the difference in how I see relationships.
Now that I see it. It is like common sense. Sometimes we fish in the wrong ponds. Happens to everyone, men and women. My mantra: choose people that want the same things like you and want them with you. Choose people that choose you
@@marte1376 super hard to find people like that, or at least I don't know where to look. I found one perfect girl all my life which was only recently and I'm already 30 years old. Unfortunately after dating for a few months she broke it off saying she didn't feel for me what she hoped to feel... I've been on dating apps. But the women on there are just not the type I am looking for. Maybe the other girl is still too much in my head but, I feel like I will never meet someone quite like her again.
@@Adama.1 🥺 I think it's a process. I don't think you really love her, you're obsessed with her or limerent. Search for Susan winter here in RUclips. Blessings to you in this journey, mending a broken heart is a beautiful and painful way that leads to self discovery
I learned this lesson the first time I had feelings for someone. I was young, and inexperience in life, dealing with feelings I'd never felt before. It still hurts because it ended my closest friendship I'd ever had. I have to remind myself that although it was my fault for ignoring reality, the reality I was ignoring wasn't my fault.
I hate this movie but I understand. It did open my eyes and it made me realize that it could be me if I don’t move on. I still get those feelings today but I remind myself, “Don’t play into it.” I will continue to work on myself until the day I die. Dating is not the end game. I have many friends and they make me feel rich. So I don’t need it. I’m not afraid of my fate because I brought myself here. I just gotta see it through.
I don't comment often but i want to share that recently I've been through very similar situation. I got to know a girl who had similar ideals and personality as mine, she was clear from the start that she doesn't want to be attached to anyone, i thought she didn't mean it. She did. We became good friends, shared lots of personal secrets, helped each other emotionally and I started to love her. She responded well to affection so i thought it was mutual. I confessed my feelings and she didn't reciprocrate. I didn't wanted a relationship because of bad experiences and lack of maturity, so it was not a rejection for me. But it still fucks with me how stupid i was during that phase. I feel bad that our friendship will never be the same and i will forever have these memories. I would've ended this on a positive note but i am planning to never approach someone after this rubbish. I will only love the one who loves me.
Yes, cuz like it's so easy and not a normal involuntary and unconscious process of falling in love, I imagine you are one of those who say "stop being sad" to those who suffer from depression waiting for them to be cured lmao.
After my sister watched this movie, she dogged it so hard and said it unfairly makes Summer a total villain. I said it’s totally appropriate. I think at the time we both misunderstood what the movie was really going for. It’s funny because it’s so accurate, how living with unrealistic expectations really makes one completely suck at life. I’ve always been slow to learning things but might have to watch this movie with fresh eyes again. Great video.
I never thought a random video on RUclips would help me discover the thought process behind one of my biggest flaws. I saw this video pop up and it looked interesting. So I watched the movie before starting the video, because I hadn't seen it before, and something happened. The movie made me realize something, and this video put it into words for me. Usually I think other people saying a character is "literally them" is ridiculous, but I can't help but feel like Tom is supposed to represent the exact type of person I've become. Ever since middle school I've romanticized the thought of finding the perfect girl. I try to shape reality to the way it plays out in my head, the way I *want* things to be, but it never works. I just turned 19 and it's the biggest thing in my life that tears me apart, because I still haven't experienced it. I think seeing people around me have this experience that I don't, sets this unrealistic expectation in my mind that I'll never be good enough because I don't have that. Because of that I've resorted to making everything in my life about chasing a solution to this "problem" that I have, instead of actually improving upon myself and living my life in a healthy way. I think I just figured out the reason why I've felt so broken all these years, despite there not being anything *actually* wrong with me. I know what the real problem is now. I don't know how long it'll take me, or how I'll get there, but I have my whole life ahead of me to mature and move on like Tom did at the end of the movie. ❤
Thank you so much for this video. I watched this movie long ago, and I myself, are probably a hopeless romantic to a degree. I adore romance and romance films. So when I had heard how beloved this one was, I had high expectations for it. But when I watched it, I didn’t love it. But now through your explanation years later I understand everything I missed about the film when watching it. I really was not able to see it through this lens on the one watch I had, so thank you.
It's funny cuz i saw the movie then i was 17 and thought to myself "this is stupid, why she can't ve with Tom, shes just a bad woman". Two years past and i had my first real and intimate releathionship. It ended poorly, even worse than in the movie, all because i wass just like Tom, exactly like him. Now i'm trying to recover after that hard breakup, and your essey opend my mind a bit. Huge thaks for your work, you made a life of a one young man a little bit easyer ❤❤❤
Here’s some advice that cleared my obsession Think about why you like the person and not just the fantasies that go though your head. I realize the guy I was obsessed with was a fictional character from my fantasy and I have no true feelings with the guy I was obsessed with. The “idea” of the person is who I was going after not the actual person themselves. I had absolutely no feelings for that Person(they are kind, nice going through a lot but I don’t hate them) I was chasing after something that didn’t exist and that got me over them almost instantly. Think down to earth with relationships.
I'm curious, what led you to fantasize about this particular person? You don't do it with everyone right, so there was something about him there initially that made you start your fantasy about him. Personally a girl I really liked broke up with me recently and a friend of mine told me I wasn't really in love with her but the idea of her. Everything around her. When he asked what I truelly liked about her, I could only really say that she was very kind and seemed to be a romantic just like me, unlike most people who just want casual intimacy. I couldn't really say much else, which is strange and has made me believe that maybe I was not truelly in love with her. But it's fresh still, and I can't really imagine being with someone else...
I love the scene when he shows up at the rooftop party and had expectation and reality juxtaposed together. Gosh! I used to be like this too. Even marched into a marriage with this attitude. I could really slap some sense into my younger self. But alas that is the process of learning.
Even though it’s just admiration, I think I’m entering the stage of his experience in movie. I expressed it and that move I did is a blessing in disguised. His friends where trying to partner us in teasing(caught him sometimes looking at me for few seconds) before I did my part. I thought it was wrong to show that I like him but instead it’s the way of stopping “rose-colored glass” moments. That determined burst emotion saved me.
this is an amazing analysis. i liked the movie when i saw it and i realized it was high quality, but it annoyed me. now that i look at it this way not only it makes more sense but i find myself to be like tom even more than i thought. anyway hope everyone here gets to experience genuine happiness and peace.
I don't agree. As I grow older I see that Tom was completely normal. You should romantically fall in love with someone and expect the same in return. That is a normal thing to do. That's how you create a deep attachment which is necessary for a long relationship and probably marrige later. His problem is that he run into very difficult and emotionally closed person. It's more of a question why he's attracted to here and wants to "fix" her. It is also interesting how the world sees her as normal and him as a "hopeless romantic", saying to us that we need to hide our emotions and not trust anyone.
Showing and reciprocating feelings is a normal part of a healthy relationship, but this is clown world. “A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying, 'You are mad; you are not like us.”
Exactly -- the problem is NOT that Tom fell in love head over heels, it's that he fell in love with the WRONG PERSON and STAYED in love with her LONG AFTER he SHOULD have realized she was the wrong person!
100% this, there is nothing abnormal or delusional about his behavior, he is just choosing poorly & allowing himself to be strung along by someone who refuses to open up. If Tom's feelings were reciprocated we'd see it as a whirlwind romance, but because they're not he's seen as living in fantasy? It's an incredibly naïve take & one that demonstrates that most people have no clue what romance actually is.
@@agentorange153That's true. For such people it's best to learn their lesson early or else they get their hearts broken one too many times by going after clearly unavailable people, and the end result is they become like the girl in the movie - cold and indifferent. Which of course isn't right.
Holy holy holy smokes. This spoke to me on crazy levels. I'd like to thank you for this video, it's really an eye opener. Especially the part of growing up on romance films and having a warped perception. Thank you
Ive been in love with a girl ive known doesn't meddle with love overall, let alone boyfriends or commitments to start and have relationships. Ive known but loved her and have had an interest in her for over a year. As much as it takes from my soul, as much as I cry, I also laugh and have fun being with her because even though I cannot be in a romantic relationship with her I can still be close to her as a friend and spend a lot of time with her. Maybe not as much as I could or would have if we were a couple but more than if we weren't so close as friends. Because to me I am truly grateful for just that. I am beginning to find peace with that. I've accepted since long ago that I will never be together with her and she will never even share the feelings I feel for her back, but that's okay since I understand both why it is and why it will be like that maybe forever. Right now I'm in a bad mental space and place and sadly have been for quite some months now, altough questioning how long I've truly felt this bad since I've probably not shown it and ignored/pushed it aside. I've only become really aware of it because I've stopped caring and stopped pretending, to have let go of this mask that everything is fine and that I'm not feeling romantic feelings to someone in a hopeless way, which in turn has made many people to either worry or question my mental health and how I am feeling, noticing a change in both behaviour and personality. Will I ever grow past this? Will I ever move on from her and maybe find an interest in someone else, to have a new crush on someone. I am only 18 years old, there is still a lot more to life and there's still a future for me. I know that what I feel may very well be the start of something new, the end to something old. What I do hope for is to actually move on, to stop feeling the way I feel about her. The question is if I'll ever get to that stage in my life, given how close we are as friends that ultimately cements the current way I feel about her. It's hard to move on, when you don't want to move and keep the status quo going for as long as possible. Is it healthy? I don't think so. It's certainly not doing me any good since I've basically fallen into a depression of some sorts, with no real reason as to why except maybe this? To then talk and tell the person you love and would do anything and everything for that they may be the reason for why you are not mentally okay is both crushing and gut wrenching, making you feel almost completely empty and like you're the absolute worse. Because out of all the things, you do not want her to feel bad then of anything sad. It's a hopeless case for a hopeless romantic, against a girl who is helplessly not able to fall and reciprocate love towards someone she will never have feelings for. The one thing I could do is take a step back, since at this point I'm ready to accept that it has gone too far and that I might have been sort of obsessed with her. It would maybe do me wonders or maybe would help but only just a little. Given my situation, that little bit of help could change everything or at the least cause a sort of domino effect of futural events and thoughts that'll help me out of my own emotional grave. To everyone who has gone and took the time to actually listen to my vent and mindless rant about myself I thank you, since you absolutely did not have to do that lol. I am typing all of this because I felt like it needed to be said somewhere sometime. I probably just fit under this video in my mind. Take care of yourself and know that there is good out there for you. You just have to take a small step into the uncomfortable world and it's situations. Thank you for reading, I end this comment now with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye ;)
I think you'd benefit from visiting aro-ace communities and reading. It is not unhealthy, it just is not meeting your higher needs/wants. You want more. It is up to you if you'll go for it. Give it up for a chance that may not exist (or be realised) of total reciprocation. I have been in the same situation as you but I decided to confess and move on. The guy in question was super nice, and he told me I should move on, that they're be no hard feelings. Only thing, that guy, he date people but it wasn't a healthy situation, he was the type of person to swap gfs quickly, had trauma to resolve, didn't want me dealing with all of that since he could tell I really did love him, like an agape kind of love not just infatuation, he thought it'd be better for me to let him go and find someone else. And he was kind of right, being single and uninterested in anyone did a world of good in and of itself but also, it is just not the same. If you need any advice, feel free to reply here and I'll try to get back to you if I am online on here. And you're welcome, hope you are and will be taking care of yourself too.
today i just ruined a 4 year friendship because i was convinced she was the one, but she felt nothing for me. sadly, i have watched this video too late for me to avoid making the bad decision. i needed this. great video.
Ole Sinatra has a song, "Something stupid". I personally don't believe in intersexual friendships. One of the two must be secretly in love, while the other one is just pretending not to notice. E.g., if I like a girl, I would gladly accept being her friend. But then, if I realized, as a "frienddd", that she was making out with another guy, I would be dead jealous. It's not friendship. I've had such "friendships". It feels good initially, like getting closer and closer, but then she gets a BF, and you become superfluous, bc, with a BF in the picture, you can't keep seeing her as before. And if he sees you, he gives you dirty looks, never good. It's a toxic dynamic.
I can relate to Tom a lot. Two years ago I met a girl and there was a misunderstanding, she said she wasn't looking for anyone to date and I also said I wasn't looking for anyone to date. She meant she wasn't interested in dating anyone at all and what I meant was that I'm not actively going on dates with people and being proactive about finding somebody but if someone came along and we liked each other then I was fine with dating. Anyway I thought she meant it in the same way that I did and she thought I meant it in the same way that she did. I was sure she really liked me because of how affectionate she was. So after a handful of months I told her that I was interested in her in a romantic way then she stopped being affectionate but we still hung out and stuff after that. Previously she had told me about abusive exes so I thought that the reason for her no longer being affectionate was that she was afraid of another abusive boyfriend. Also after telling her how I felt she said she needed some time to think about it. So I thought she still liked me but was just being cautious because of her past experiences. I thought that she'd come around eventually and see that I wasn't going to be like that and then we'd be all good. A long time passes and I'm getting a little tired of waiting so I bring it up again and we have a conversation and she says she's not interested in me romantically but acknowledges that we do have an emotional bond and chemistry. So she didn't want to end whatever the hell this was and I didn't either but I guess for different reasons. I tell her that it's hurting me and that I can't keep doing this and that we have to end it. So we did, and I never saw her again. That was about six months ago. There's a bitterness that still lingers in me because, like Tom, I put in so much effort and all I have to show for it is pain and a newfound sense of cynicism. I think all of my feelings, good and bad up to that point were amplified because before meeting her it had been a long time since I ever even tried to bond with someone and form a relationship. Why the hell was she so affectionate up until I bring up romance then it's just gone like a light switch turned off? And if we had all this chemistry like she said why did it turn out the way it did? The mixed signals make me think she couldn't let go of past trauma. I don't know the answer and I guess I never will. There was no closure for me. I guess stuff like this is supposed to make me stronger and wiser but I just feel terrible and it annoys me that I still think of her. I'm sure I'll get over it though.
Hey man I will never meet you but I have lived a very similar situation two years ago. I cut contact sooner than you so maybe that has helped speeding up my healing. From this advanced point of view I just want to tell you this, even if it may sound weird: the love you feel for this girl is not what it seems. It is a deep love of humanity, of the femenine, a love of beauty, a love of goodness itself: your beloved is just one of the many vessels God made for her many separate qualities, which can be found not only on her but on all creation, if you learn to open your heart. Unrequited love is a call to understanding: your beloved has gone and you cannot waste time waiting for her to be back. You will not see the same sunset twice. Be thankful of your good times with her, pray for her (think good things and hope good things for her: this works even if you are not a man of faith) and remember that all the things you loved about her exist abundantly in our world. Open your eyes, think of all the blessings of your daily life (which I hope to be many) and dont worry too much. More great things will come, and if they dont you still live in the closest thing to paradise that exists on the universe: planet earth. Lastly: the chemical reaction of earthly love will fade sooner than you think, but remember that a watched pot never boils. Occupy your mind, reconnect with your goals and pursue them. Waste no time on resentment or hate or rumination, she has her path and you have yours. You have been important to each other, dont keep counting more details. Keep walking your path and appreciate the view. YOUR view, which never shall repeat itself till the end of time. God loves you whoever you are, despite and because of your sins. Bless you. I hope the christian babble doesnt distract from the main point of what I say, which is true and universal with or without a creator.
Its kinda wild how those that say they don't want a relationship or aren't into you like that still show the outmost affection you've ever felt. They'd cook for you, check on you if you're sick, give you great sex, go out and share secrets with you but being in a relationship is where they draw the line.. I still cannot fathom it even this day
Hey guys! Thank you so much for the love on this video. Very happy to see its found an audience ♥If you enjoyed it, please consider subscribing!
It is a good video well done
The season keeps repeating and then one day you die
This character is unlike those that had it easy and like the rest of the sheeple. Only since 2020 covid has the wrath and curse of the lonewolf been placed on many wannabe newbie lonewolves. Id rather be a wolf than a fornicatng rabbit chad or a well fed easy life sheeple with a big network and networth . A warning to those that think they are better than wolves. The age of the wolves are coming to eat the sheep and rabbits to replenish the forest. You can get a million views spewing your bullshit to other sheeple but since you're the opposite of a wolf, you are bound to lose 🐺
This character is unlike those that had it easy and like the rest of the sheeple. Only since 2020 covid has the wrath and curse of the lonewolf been placed on many wannabe newbie lonewolves. Id rather be a wolf than a fornicatng rabbit chad or a well fed easy life sheeple with a big network and networth . A warning to those that think they are better than wolves. The age of the wolves are coming to eat the sheep and rabbits to replenish the forest. You can get a million views spewing your bullshit to other sheeple but since you're the opposite of a wolf, you are bound to lose 🐺
You showed Ryan Gosling - a person with the least ability to act in the history of Hollywood.
I'd argue that the ending of the movie was Tom not falling into the same pitfalls as he did with Summer. We can see Tom has actively improved himself and is now pursuing something he is actually passionate about through taking his portfolios to different architecture firms. He is also not as reactive to rejection as we can see him just nonchalantly crossing names of architectural firms he applied to off a list and moving on to the next one. With Autumn too he makes his intentions loud and clear unlike with Summer where he just played along as a friend but secretly wanting something more. He asks Autumn on a date, not a hangout or whatever, and when she rejects him initially, he takes it in stride and does not tie his emotional wellbeing to that rejection in the slightest.
very well said
well said
I was thinking of this and you said it very well
My brother for the longest time would always get hung up on why he couldn't get a girlfriend and the truth is that women can sense when people are nervous, or that your soul intentions are just to go out with them, let me tell you,
Things changed for me in dating the moment I took that pressure off, not every girl you talk to has to be asked out,
They're people too and sometimes just want a conversation then see where that goes, dating isn't hard if you fix how YOU approach things,
And fix the way you ask them out, trust me, she could be more than into you but depending on the way you ask her out,
She could easily see you're nervous, and while some girls can find that cute, it can often draw most away, you can't be like:
"Hey listen I don't know if you're interested or maybe if you're doing something, but maybe you wanna go out sometime or if not and you're too busy, we don't have to"
That instantly comes off as so different than you think it would, because you maybe think you're making her feel free to say "no"
But in actuality you're putting all the pressure on her to feel bad for you, instead try this:
"Hey I like you, wanna go out sometime?"
Saying that confidently with a warm smile is so much more attractive and makes her ACTUALLY feel free to say no if
1) you say it with confidence and
2) you actually follow through if she says "No" and say
"Alrighty then" or something like that and then maybe "well if you change your mind, doors always open" it will come across as different to her and you'll stickout amongst the many men who've asked her out in the same way,
And just approaching her in that way of calling it a "date" and not some hangout or lunch, women don't want to see a guy tread around the subject
@@aarkproductionsawes boss thanks
Hopeless Romantics: Nah I'd Win
as someone who already learned the lesson behind 500 days of summer, watching the movie was extremely agonizing
What’s the name?
@@O.S.O.M.Educationit says in the comment dude 😭
@@O.S.O.M.Education i want wat ur smoking
@@shift-fastdon’t do drugs
@@LilXancheX dont be a buzzkill
Damn. That rose coloured glasses quote was really poetic. And really down to earth.
BoJack horseman was a really great show. It's filled with a of down to earth moment's and good jokes
I really should listen to this. I feel like it's choosing between throwing something potentially great away and wondering whether it was the right thing or getting hurt. There are so many red flags im wilfulky ignoring csuse there's also something great there. I think im willing to get hurt. I feel like the pain of wondering what could have been is worse. I may grow to resent that decision.
@@jr5993 this hit hard, i felt the same. but the worst part was i was lying to myself about ignoring red flags. my self deception really hurt my confidence in myself. that i could be trusted. i feel too stupid to live now.
the fact that there isn't a sequel makes me hopeful that tom learned his lesson
The sequel is Summer calling him up ten years and two kids later after getting divorced. She slides into his dms and wants to recreate the feeling she got when he was so in to her even though she want into him. She is feeling low and wants to play some more head games so she says things like I always loved you. I was just too scared to admit it. I made a mistake. It will be called….after winter, 212 more days of summer.
@@1TightMinute such a blackipilled incel thing to say oml
How would that even make sense if she never wanted a boyfriend in the movie in the first place
@@JokienStudios2003 haha. Whatevs. I’ve seen it happen in real time with one of my friends. Maybe she lives happily ever after with her husband but that doesn’t really make a good movie. She obviously loved his attention and was playing games. Otherwise, why would she have a whole conversation with him and never mention she was seeing someone? Why would she invite him to a party and not tell him about her engagement ahead of time? She was upfront with him so the whole movie is on him. However, she loved the attention and if she gets dumped or cheated on she’ll look for the validation he was giving her throughout the first movie in the sequel. I’m not saying all women will do this but that’s the impression I got from here character especially when she does things like tells him she just wants to be friends so he starts treating her like one and then she kisses him in the copy room. At the very least, you have to acknowledge she helped flame his infatuation bc she liked it even though she said she didn’t like him that way. I don’t mean the comment as a black pill statement for all women but it’s a comment about this character in particular. Also, I am incel. I have high blood pressure and my medication makes achieving an erection impossible so you are right about that.
@@1TightMinute not reading all that sorry, have better things to do, go and yap that on a incel forum
@@1TightMinutelmfaoooo dude you really don’t know how much you just exposed yourself. you’re clearly still bitter about a situation and you’re hoping this happens lol.
welp, im cooked
Realizing you’re cooked is the first step into changing how you see the world, and realizing your potential for true happiness in your life man
Unrealistic expectations are driven into all of us at a young age, some more than others. Outgrowing these expectations and replacing them with real world experience through trial and error will drastically improve the quality of your emotional connections with others.
I wish you luck man, I too was cooked once. I now share a home with a beautiful woman who somehow hasn’t noticed what a dork I am haha. Good luck bro, it’s out there.
@@thesaucyprophesy2939 the way cooked being used in multiple sentences the way you did is so funny ahhaha XD
yo bro ik exactly what it feels like but lucky for us their’s a way out of this and its called time alone, self reflection, and deep psychoanalysis into why you think and feel the way you do. I recommend you look into attatchment theory and anxious attatchment style. These things develop in us over time but recognizing them and healing and learning from them is the key to developing happiness on your own. 🙏🏼
Its a canon event, best you can do is take some of what the video said to when it happens
Me too.. deadass was literally like tom same shtttt happen to me.. been focus on my self n growth since then.. don’t worry we will always find another girl pray one without kids
man, i am in my delulu phase and this video just made me snap out of it 😂
true me too
real
First step is admitting you have a problem……good luck!
Welcome back 😂
Facts 🤦🏾♂️
I was just like Tom around his age. First year of college, I started hitting it off with this girl. At the end of our great first date, she said "I like you too, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to date yet." I shrugged it off and said something like: Sure, we can take it slow. Just like Tom, my energy was we were in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we had happy moments & sort of acted like BF/GF, but before too long she began to distance herself. She began talking about another guy. I was overwhelmingly heartbroken. I didn't retaliate; I just let it fade into the abyss. I think she felt a bit guilty about it, she checked in on me a few times (over social media), and when we saw each other in-person we had a polite embrace. Live & learn, I now see that she took me at my word, and was following my lead for a time because it was presumably what I wanted with what she said in mind. No hard feelings, I hope she's happy & healthy.
This movie was an ode to a young person's first heart break.
kinda feels like what happened to you, hope you find a partner who shares your energy
@@haizk I have since. A long term relationship of 4 years. Single now but it ended well.
The thing that OP gets wrong is that Summer is being upfront and honest. She's not entirely, and neither was your ex either, and it's something many people experience from people that say "I don't want a serious relationship" or something to that effect. The thing that these people aren't upfront about ever, is the added caveat at the end: "I dont want a serious relationship....with you." Which is why Summer moves onto another guy, doesn't have that issue, your ex thinks about others. It's always the same. The missing piece is that it's with you.
Casual relationships are for people that just want to casually date others and never want a relationship (usually only applies to men who women chase after or women who just want fun with the most attractive men), or they will casually date someone, while holding out for a person they want to date seriously, but never vocalize that end part. It's not that they don't believe in a serious relationship - just not with them.
Another easy word can be exchanged to summarize this: User. They use people to temporarily fill the void of loneliness until they find someone they do want to be with.
While the other person bears some partial responsibility for this, if there was a movie made where the genders where flipped with Summer and Tom, I think many more people would openly empathize with tom more and demonize summer more. If you flip it, the story becomes about a man using/stringing along a woman who falls in love with him for casual sex/intimacy until he gets bored and dumps her. That's the plot if the genders are reversed.
@@EntertheFray1 Intersting points. However, Summer did say with her own words that she didn't want a relationship, even if she didn't say "I just don't with you." It still an overall *No* people are usually truthful when asked these serious questions (unless they have a nefarious agenda). Could Summer have worded is to be even more direct? Sure, but should the counterpart expect that? Absolutely not. Based on how we Summer at the start (watch for her "hair" line/symbolism) I argue she was clinically depressed and *at that time* didn't want a monogamous relationship, but it was her relationship with Tom that she indeed did learn what she liked and wanted. Tom got the stinging truth at the end, but it helped him move on. There is no immunity to what you mention about people using others to "fill the void" but the key to it is not enabling it by setting firm boundaries. When you get emotionally connected with someone (guy or girl) the boundaries become blurred (you got deep-wired biology working against you). If Tom kept firm with his boundaries, he would have said something like "I'm seeking a monogamous relationship. If you change your mind & I'm single, I'd love to give it a try. We can still be friends, but I dont want to get more intimate without dating first."
@@Tgogators The point I'm making is that you cannot trust what Summer says and take it at face value. She is an unreliable narrator in this story. There's a comment here pointing something out. Before tom ever confessed how he felt about her, she refers to him as Werther - a reference to an 1800s story about a man in love with a woman and it was about his unrequited love. This points out she knew how he felt about her way before he even told her, but most importantly, ALSO how she felt about him. She didn't see any aspect of her ever falling in love with him or wanting anything serious with him. Also, the latter part of the movie, where tom thinks over the signs of withdrawal from her, where she would pull her hand away etc, also point out she knew how she felt about Tom.
So why did she say she didn't want anything serious, when the real issue is her feelings with tom? Because that is our modern generation and how they date someone they don't have any real interest in, but want to string along for their own reasons of what they get out of it. Perhaps it's sex. Maybe it's the ego boost and validation. Perhaps they like the person enough, but don't consider them long term potential but want some fun anyway. But these people know that if they outright come out and say any of that, this person won't get involved with them. So they form a plausible deniability case of "I don't want anything serious "
That way, the plausible deniability suits them. If the other person continues, good. They get what they want with no obligations since they don't really see them as LTR potential. But if the other person complains - well they did say after all they didn't want anything serious, it's their fault for not listening. They gave them heads up.
It's a copout reason masquerading as plausible deniability on both ends, and it's fairly transparent these days. Seen as a massive red flag.
You can just pop onto any place that has people talking about dating or any dating forums/videos etc and you will see this situationship stuff pop up. The person doing it isn't looked upon favourably by more experienced vets.
You are correct in how to handle it, but if someone hasn't experienced it before, you cannot blame them for how they handle it. Tom took what she said at face value, as does everyone else in real life that the other person doesn't want anything serious, thinking it's a temporary issue that can be resolved. But there's no resolving it if it isn't true to begin with.
You *could* interpret this as an immature anxiously attached person maturing or as a traumatized avoidant from a broken home traumatizing some other guy into avoidant behaviour too.
I agree that both perspectives were presented, but the film was about tom, so I think it makes sense that the video focuses primarily on his journey. What I do think however is that there’s some gaslighting present here for the sake of narrative consistency: tom is subtly blamed for his inability to navigate modern dating mores. He’s basically a guy from the 50s totally ignorant of how modern relationships have devolved into ephermeral, mutually parasitic thrill-rides as typified by the ‘situationship’ which he agrees to without fully understanding. And summer willfully strings him along throughout, just going with it, enjoying the experience, operating on a faux-instinctual level the entire film. And there’s no judgement leveled her way by the presenter. She carelessly strings him along, the final insult being that scene on the train, the dinner/garden party or whatever. And he’s just supposed to take it, because it’s the journey or whatever. She bears him no more ill-will than a cat playing with its food. But tom’s the one who’s completely at fault.
Agreed
@@elmatasesues3630this comment is so wildly filled with bitterness💀
You are literally Tom in the worst way possible😭
@@valentai_777 if I said something that was untrue, point it out.
@@elmatasesues3630 I'm glad you said this. It is very true and you are very mich right, and I hate how Tom is constantly portrayed as this almost as if evil stupid guy - if I exaggerate.
Neither of them were really bad people, they just weren’t really compatible. I dislike how much we vilify Tom without taking note on how Summer knew his views on love and continued to flirt and interact with him “romantically”. They both thought they could change each other and couldn’t, there is no bad guy in this story.
Take a good look at who vilifies Tom, its always women, women like summer who have unhealthy avoidant attachment style, which pretty much sums up 80%(if not higher) of women today; trauma victims of divorced parents because of feminism. Always shopping for a better man.
The creator of this video knows this and is avoiding being cancelled.
@@LilXancheX the “women can do no wrong” trope is stupid strong in Hollywood.
well these comments surely aren't somewhat concerning and appear to miss the point of the story and comment almost entirely.
@@liuser The best part is Im literally talking about the bad things Summer did and they’re acting as if I said it was entirely Toms fault lmao. Tom thought he could make her believe in “true love” even after being told she didn’t believe in it, and summer was content in keeping Tom around for fun, but being ambiguous enough on the status of their relationship to stop him from leaving. My point is that neither of them were remarkably bad people they just weren’t exactly compatible, but I think that may have gone over the replies heads.
@@mashpotatosauce3566 yeah, plus they'ee giving incel energy with how they talk about women (at least that's the case with the first guy). second comment outright misses the point entirely.
I'm not sure if I agree with your cynical view on the ending. The final act of the movie goes to great lengths to show that tom is breaking out of the hopeless romantic cycle. He finds the motivation to pursue the things he loves and no longer subscribes to "the one" narrative that he's believed for so long. In fact, him cutting off the narrator mid-sentence is a straight reference that he's no longer following the narrative that romance movies follow.
Based take! I didn't think of that
@@Renzy_YTbased? Based on what
@@jitterrypokery1526you're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?
@@ImDaRealBoi apartment complex? I find it quite simple!
Yes Autumn initially rejects him and he doesn’t take it personally.
This story is very similar to a hard life lesson I learned while in college. This one girl I was vibing with in the beginning ghosted me. It threw me into an absolute mental breakdown over her. In the meantime, there was another woman at my same college who I worked with that seemed into me, but I wasn't sure how I felt about her. I went through that whole semester so blinded by my mental breakdown I missed what could've been there between me and that other coworker. She eventually quit to better manage her own college coursework and career prepping, but getting her number to see what was there was a total afterthought til it was too late. Let this be a lesson: don't let people who aren't into you blind you from whoever else is out there that could be a better person for you.
Don't blame yourself. It's sure is just an afterthought, you can't know for sure something would have happened between you and that coworker, in the end, you weren't that interested, why force it?
There's plenty of people, hope you will find your happiness
Love is like a poison
I seen this when I was 16. And like Tom I misinterpreted it as a romance movie. Not till I really watched it as a young adult did everything really hit and click. And like him I fell for my best friend and seen everything we did as romantic. At 29 I’m finally truly working on myself more than “romantic” relationships. School, happiness, new hobbies. Perfect time to see this. Great analysis vids btw! New sub here. Cheers ✨
Lmao how do you fall for your best friend…
@@LilXancheXidk man, it’s crazy that people have emotional bonds I guess lmao. Human beings having complex relationships is a thing that tends to happen ya know?
It shows that you have matured. Maturity and self reflection is necessary to develop a healthy romantic relationship. I suggest you research about what makes a relationship healthy, openness and vulnerability, positivity (and how to avoid toxic positivity), what women want from men (and what men want from women), toxic relationships and red flags, dating ideas (how to be romantic), questions to ask (how to get to know someone). Then you will be better prepared when you are ready for a romantic relationship. The work of psychologist Dr. John Gottman reveals the essential aspects of making a relationship work.
It is amazing that Hollywood can make a movie about romance that is actually about individual growth and self development.
@@LilXancheX A best friend often makes the best life partner. Today there is so much emphasis on having sex with strangers based on superficial characteristics. When you feel emotionally connected to your partner, sex becomes one way among many to experience pleasure and relationship satisfaction with your partner.
He saw it as romantic because he felt connected with his best friend and desired a deeper relationship with someone he already knew.
@@LilXancheXGet educated
I love this movie. The ending for me is a happy one. He learnt his lesson and he knew meeting Autumn was nothing more than a coincidence. He took Autumns rejection smiled and left. That’s when Autumn felt more comfortable. He didn’t push her like he pushed Summer.
This movie does an excellent job at highlighting an important point most romance movies never highlight on; sometimes, the only thing preventing us from experiencing true love is actually ourselves.
So accurate.
Being a hopeless romantic is one of the best feelings in the world. Being able to open one’s heart for another, even if it’s not reciprocated, is not a wrong way to approach life. My point of contention is trying to force a relationship where one does not exist. It’s ok to love unconditionally and fiercely - the problem in this case (solely based on the summary since I haven’t seen the movie) is that he had an outcome that he was trying to achieve. He was determined at any cost to make her love him. You can’t make someone love you - love has to be received freely. You can give someone all the love that you have to muster and then some - doesn’t mean it’ll be returned to you from that person. And that is ok. Someone who’s meant for you will freely return that love and affection back to you - you just gotta keep being your hopelessly romantic self. Closing yourself off may only lead to you missing out on that person that can be your hopelessly romantic match.
Thank you for this comment, you conveyed exactly what I feel is off with the comments here. Nothing is wrong with being a hopeless romantic in and of itself. The issue here is not accepting rejection and pretending fantasy is reality. I have never done this in my life as someone who is a hopeless romantic. I have never forced my delulu fantasies on anyone. I keep them to myself when I have them. I love freely giving love without expecting anything in return and often do even if it is not reciprocated. Loving someone is a wonderful experience and for me even the pain (heartbreaks and such) is sweet in its own way.
All of this is great and all and I really want to believe in this, but 1. when you've never been taught how to ask a girl out proper/never bothered thinking about it seriously up until a certain point, you find yourself stuck/insecurities arise when trying to ask a girl out, which in turn leads to not even being taken seriously about it while not knowing where/how to get started on all this 2. the girl you've been friends with while having a secret crush on for years tells you "even if I wasn't already in a relationship, I would still not consider you as a dating/partner option". All of this then leads to the issues described in the video and other comments: being in your mid 20s, and seeing what feels like literally every single other person around you already being in a relationship not only makes you wonder what you're missing to not have a partner of your own yet (assuming you're in the same conditions as everyone else, aka no disabilities/bad past records), but worst of all start questioning if "available" options even exist anymore; basically everyone's already taken, and even if they're somehow not, they'll most likely smell your intentions from miles away and instantly put up all kinds of barries to keep you away. Especially if you've never learned how to have "deep conversations", whatever that even means....But yeah all of this makes me wonder what's even the point of loving/being attracted to someone if my feelings risk just being invalidated like that.
Youre quite pathetic and rude dude@GustavoCardoso-lz5sq
@@and_al95 care to elaborate? would you rather adal shut himself off completely? or attempt to force relationships with people?
@anolive7535 i don't remember what a i wrote and i deleted all my comments. Do you remember which comment you quoted, so i can answer you?
As a hopeless romantic, those movies were made for me and is so sad that i can't live what happens in the movies
I was one too. Im still one but i just look at things a lot realistically now. And realize that love is real but its nothing like the movies
i was one, giggling while watching this movie because it's just like me lol, what a day back then
So am I. I scorn myself for it, though. It’s like I know it’s unrealistic but love is so easy to romanticise and fantasise about when you’ve never actually been in a relationship before. It overwhelms me to the point where I think it may just solve a lot if I could feel it. It makes me cry, too. Never having felt loving arms embracing me or having listened to words of love truly sucks the life out of me
@sweetestaphrodite finding love and then it leaving is so much worse. I protected myself for years and now that im making myself vulnerable im experiencing so many difficult emotions.
As a hopeless romantic i am very close to live like this movie
I am literally Him, hah.
Watching this movie made me feel like I am looking through some distorted mirror. You see, I am autistic and, even tho I am quite old, I have a mind of a kid. It's no one's fault, really, but I am really honest, childish and open. So when I actually fell in love with a girl for the first time, it was... painful. Because she was a manipulative cheater. Kept breaking up with me, coming up with different lies just to cover herself, while sleeping with others. And I was there, with flowers, completely naive, just to have my heart shattered again and again.
I was beyond obssessed with her, because she was cute, funny, comfortable to be with, but, in the end, she was an awful human being. I am glad I found strength to break up with her. Do I fell lonely? You bet I am. Insecure? Dissapointed? Lost in life? Sure. But at least I try to mature and don't trust people who don't deserve it. At least I don't act like a dog chasing a car, hoping it would solve all of my life problems.
Tbh, I don't think I will ever meet the right person. I tried, and tried, and tried, and failed. So I am doing the best thing possible in this scenario and focus on myself.
Man I’m sorry that happened to you, but you seem to have come out a better and more mature person on the other side, so maybe it was necessary for you (similar thing happened to me). And mate, you will find the right person some day. I can understand not feeling hopeful that you will if you’ve been heartbroken many times, but you will meet the right person some day. Stay hopeful. Don’t obsess over it though. Don’t force anything. Just keep doing what you love, and when the time is right, you’ll meet The One.
Autistic woman here and I feel this. My bad relationship ended up in me nearly losing my life, so that taught me. Had to change countries, careers, mindset, everything. Tbh if i had stuck with the old life materially and character-wise I would be much worse off than i am now. I still cry over the fact that i will not have children though because im just unable to do the modern dating thing. Like, if I have to be always vigilant and performative i do actually prefer being alone. Last year i met someone but it didn’t work out - I felt like he had some borderline features- but he hasn’t been making good choices in life and probably needs help. Still it’s nice that the end doesn’t feel so dramatic. So maybe it’s worth it to not give up, not get bitter.
@@LordGreninjack I am not optimistic anymore... not everyone will find "the true love" or even just a partner they can trust. It's a game of chance. Still- thanks for the support, it means a world to me, you stopped by and gave a thoughtful response, it's very kind
@@theorycompanies I hope you'll find someone (or not if you decide to be alone- probably can be happy just by yourself if you put your mind to it).
I want to change countries as well, since I live in a pretty bad place (it's Russia, do I need to explain more?), but it costs a lot of money, needs some sort of plan, plus my health is kinda bad so I need to fix it beforehand. I want to improve the quality of my life.
And if you don't/can't have children, if you want them, you can apply for adoption program or, how is it called, artificial impregnation (the one that doesn't require a male partner). My friend plans to do that. I know, more natural process would be favorable, but still- there are options if that's what you want.
I think it's easier for a woman to find a partner than for a man, but you already had your heart broken pretty bad + you're autistic and we're pretty sensible and quite attached to others (my last ex found a new guy after 2 months, me? 5 years ad counting, because I still don't want to trust anyone and feel a lot of pain), so it's up to you.
@@looniemoonie5955 Aw mannn. You’re right about it being difficult to find true love, but it’s definitely not impossible. If you’re not optimistic about finding love anymore, go out there and live your life. Put your energy into your career and focusing on yourself and being kind to others.
Theres a quote that I basically live my life by: “Don’t chase butterflies- build a garden. If you chase butterflies, you’ll never catch one. But, if you build up a beautiful garden, one day the most beautiful butterflies ever will come to you. And if they don’t, you’ll still have a beautiful garden.”
It means don’t bother going after relationships and seeking true love. Focus on building up yourself and your career and your happiness, and one day you might just meet The One when you least expect it. And if not? No worries! You’ll be super happy and awesome so it won’t even matter. But 99% of the time if you truly truly grow as a person, you WILL find true love!!!
Best of luck in life man! ❤️
This movie hit home, as someone that wants to find their life partner I relate to Tom a lot. Except my summer told me she wanted to be with me and have a life with me and then she chose an abuser over me but hey I’m doing the best I can day by day.
You're looking for A life partner. The reality of life is often a bag of dicks, but a worthy one nonetheless. You "just" need someone with largely the same values and ambitions (like do you want kids, if so how many, how do you see the household running). Then you can weather storms together you wouldn't have had to experience alone. But that's apparently what growing up, then old, is.
Unicorns do not exist. And if they existed they surely wouldn't want to be with you.
True love may be recognizing that our partner is good enough, and never stopping to work on the relationship, because ultimately, the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships
I feel you man, my summer didn’t choose an abuser but she still ended up with another man. Good luck to ya
@@ThaFriskyOne thanks Man u too.
How'd you find out she ended up with an abuser?
@@edwinoliveros4863 it was her ex and she went back to him
7 years ago I got my heart absolutely caved in by entering into the exact same situation as Tom. Same story of delusional one-sided love. Then a very good friend showed me this movie. But at the time what he wanted to convey to me was just the idea of "sometimes relationships don't work out" and glossed over all the great positive things you mentioned in this video, such as the weight he places on Summer to find completeness, and how after they depart he starts to go back to architecture. In sober retrospect this is a great movie, but having these details pointed out has deepened my appreciation for it.
Great movie, great analysis!
I loved their conversation on the park bench, when she says, I just knew, and then he asks what, to which she replies, "What I was never sure of with you". Sometimes people without realising, falls in love with the idea of a person, and not the person themselves. That's when the conflict happens, when the fantasy of them in their head, doesn't match with the reality. That's what happened to Tom. He literally wanted to coax Summer into thie perfect partner, but Summer was just herself. Brilliant film.
Off topic, I also feel that Jack dawson from Titanic had this same manic pixie dream boy energy; he met Rose, they spent a great couple days, then he died, leaving her with a life lesson, and character development that led her to have a very eventful and great life, which would never be possible had Jack lived and she became a destitute artist's wife.
Could you please elaborate on the life lesson you're talking about if possible,
Btw this comment made me think for a while, expanded my views, thanks for that
The dream never lives up to the fantasy…..for all rose knew, jack could have been a womanizer who ran that same game on every rich girl he met. Things hit different when you get a little older.
Tbh I find it toxic that Summer approached Tom and talked about her wedding and how sure she was etc. Tom did NOT need to hear all of that. She shouldn't be in Tom's life anymore. She also had the guts to invite Tom to her engagement likeee what is she trying to do???? She knew they had something going on, Tom was affected and she did not really have a single respect for Tom, let alone his peace of mind.
He wanted to romanticize her. All the old romances are a women saying no and being courted into realizing he’s the one. He loved the narrative that you should chase. He didn’t realize that narrative is a lie. It’s a lie this movie made me accept is a lie as well. Women know fast when you are the one. They don’t need convincing.
Here is the big flaw in Tom, and it's a growing & learning process: He was dishonest, even (and perhaps worst of all) with himself. This is most obvious when he made the choice to continue with Summer despite her honest answers to it. But it echoed throughout his whole character: he worked at a job he hated, and was neglecting his true calling, he lacked ambition; Summer even mentions this at the engagement party. Once he was honest with himself, he started growing & progressing (evidence by the building he was in at the end, bigger & better), and he found someone new (funny how that works...)
See it's funny how you can watch a movie twice at different points in your life and feel two different ways about it. When I watched it for the first time a couple years back which was right after I was done with a relationship I felt like I was tom, hopeless romantic that felt like true love could spark at any moment and I could live happily ever after with that certain someone. Now a couple years later and I think I feel like summer, not putting pressure on situations and enjoying the opportunities when it comes my way. Kind of nice to look back at it and see how much I have grown as a person from where I was the first time I watched it.
When it ends in happiness n success > Love story made in heaven
When it ends in pain and sadness > Hopeless Romanticism
Be respectful, compassionate, confident, honest and have self respect and then let the ship sail on its own..
In either of the cases, you will become a better person.
I don't think romantic love is real or special, and I think romantic relationships are a bad thing. I think humans should just stop being in romantic relationships. I feel like this world would be a much better place without romance than it is with it. Romance seems like an ugly thing.
Many fathers and brothers are hoping that their daughters/sisters never date or get married and remain single for their whole life due to the dangers and risks of romantic relationships.
The overprotective father/brother thing is proof that romantic relationships are a bad thing, and that this world would be a much better place without them. If someday that the human race ditches the concept of romance and romantic relationships, and got rid of stuff like dating and marriage, fathers/brothers would be happy about it since they wouldn't ever have to worry about their daughters/sisters ever dating if that ever happened.
People (especially women) should avoid being in a romantic relationship and be single for life since romantic relationships are dangerous.
I feel like those of us born around 1990 got so screwed with the media we grew up with as teenagers. This hopeless romanticism was everywhere in the 2000s . I'm glad the generation after us is roasting the crap out of it bring us all back down to earth. I'm still trying to unwind my fantasy from my real life expectations of relationships in my 30s. It's a work in progress
It began early than that, not just in movies. There were books, tv shows, music all about unrealistic expectations of love.
Not like they present a better alternative.
Man fr with the romantic shit it was everywhere in children movies too like spiderman
In your 30’s??! Lmao aren’t you a little too old to be acting so childish?
Yup Spider-Man and MJ’s relationship really really screwed up my perception of relationships.
If you persist, dogmatically, with this quality, this depth of analysis, you will be recognized for it.
This is a great work. And your voice is pleasant to listen to.
That is just the nicest comment, glad you enjoyed it :)
@@Renzy_YT to quote what you said in another video, your video on Marco Pierre White, even if you aren't recognized for it--because there are plenty of people that do good work and don't get credit or recognition--I hope you derive some modicum of pleasure, enjoyment and fulfillment.
Bro think he dracula
Yes, we are dogmatists.
Hey man, 12 million views in 2 years is amazing. 47k subs is great. Good job. Not sure why I like your channel so much. But I loved this movie, and I enjoy your analysis even though it's kinda painful. Hopefully when I visit this in another 2 years you'll hit 100k subs.
Man I do NOT miss being like this.
I am like this... how do i change?
Stuck forever 🙃
@@slewniverse5962 Well, there's a ton of stuff to say about this. I don't know your situation, but I'll try to explain how it used to be for me.
For me, I used to have an elevated sense of self-importance that was somehow combined with extremely low self-esteem. I didn't believe that being happy while single was possible. I hated myself, but thought I deserved somebody else who would make me "whole" because I was "nice". I would get stuck in a mindset that I deserved the other person after doing the bare minimum to be nice, and they'd just be like... living their life and thinking about other stuff. That type of person would NEVER meet the obsessive expectations I had, which was to essentially make me their world.
Being in a healthy relationship isn't two halves coming together to make a whole, but rather, two wholes synthesizing to lift each other up. That doesnt happen for hopeless romantics. They have a tendency to be obsessive and selfish, and their possessiveness will smother the other person. They need to work on being a person that other people will want to be with, and they'll know they are there once they can be happy with themselves.
TLDR, I'm of the opinion that if you can't learn to love and respect yourself, you'll be unhappy whether you're in a relationship or not. And your relationships will fall through anyway. This is easier said than done, but you should work to become a happy person while single.
@@slewniverse5962 Build self esteem and confidence from building habits about stuff you enjoy. i recommend getting into fitness, and other than that pursue hobbies. practice mindfulness to think about why youre feeling bad sometimes. you got this
@@slewniverse5962 its either you break out of this phase after watching countless videos and waking up to reality or you learn it like tom did
From a personal perspective this is probably the most important video I've seen in the last year, thank you.
this video is a 9:13 min long attack
Whole thing feels like an intervention lol
This Chanel is fantastic. Hopefully the crappy YT algorithm let's it out.
Haven’t seen the movie, but listening to the analysis, I realized that I’m in almost exactly the same situation that is portrayed in the film with a girl that has indicated to me on several occasions that she is both not interested in me and not interested in men at all. Despite this, I cherish the relationship we have like it was romantic because I am completely in love with her. I really shouldn’t be, but I can’t seem to move on. I just can’t get past the rejection, my mind shoved it aside as if it’s too terrible to be true. This is a cry for help. I know I don’t have a chance with her, but I can’t stop myself from wanting to be with her. We’ve grown so close that staying friends is painful. I just want so bad to be able to share intimacy with someone special. To have what everyone else around me seems to have: someone to love. Nothing I do changes my relationship status though. I know I need to slow down and focus on myself, but I have absolutely no desire or energy to. I see no point in bettering myself if there’s no one to better myself for. I know that’s a bad mentality, but it’s how I feel. I need somebody soon.
Hard. Can you put a physical obstacle between the two of you? Like, move to another city? Can you try telling yourself that this is just your brain; that it's your own creation? Because it is!
Unless you work or study together, or live in the vicinity, can you consider communicating less? then your brain space would open up to other occupations. Sometimes it's just a habit, an addiction. Once you realize it, you may check yourself at any attempt to call her number. E.g., when you feel like sending her an sms, stop and to some laundry instead. :) A few hours later, when you have a new urge, do some cooking instead. Or go out and run a mile. Such actions would purely-mechanically, reduce contact.
A worse technique is to look for and find some turn-offs. Some negative feature in her character or even body. it does not seem nice, but then too: it's about rescuing you AND her drawbacks actually may be real. Imagine you live with her daily. Can you sustain her being angry with? Will she get cruel or violent against you? Would she stand by you, if you ran into a serious health problem or a problem with justice system? Just mental experiments.
Nobody is perfect, neither is she.
There must also be other girls in the world, and some may be better for you - your time also matters. And once you make up your mind really to break it up, just go for it, and don't look back.
I wish I had been as smart as I'm saying myself. But at least now, as I start thinking too often of a certain person in a shiny way, I check myself: "Stop, we've already been there. This is how it all begins. With my own brain."
You have no idea how important was to me to see this video. Thank you, I really needed that. Congrats on your channel
Tom was a delusional person, like every hopeless romantic one was, but summer was not innocent in all this. She gave a lot of mix signals. It was not only about "i don't want something serious". At one point in the movie she goes back to tom after she left him, that could confuse anyone. Also the idea that you can have intimate physical relationships with someone and not gain feelings for that person is quite naive and disregarding for her part. I know it is not Toms case because he already made a film in his head about her from the first time he saw her, but i point this out because in all the analysis i watched about this movie, it is always toms fault about everything and that could not be further from the truth.
Tom was delusional because of his love style. Summer gave mixed signals because of her love style. Both of their love styles were naturally attracted to eachother even though it would end in a disaster the way Tom pushes himself on Summer. And Summer pulling back, allowing Tom to push on her more.
Seriously, she is playing games and she knows it. Whatevs. She flat told Tom she wasn’t that into him and he refused to listen. That’s on him but that doesn’t excuse her behavior, some of which is toxic as hell…..like inviting him to the party and not giving a heads up that she was engaged, sitting and having a whole conversation before that and never mentioning that she was seeing someone, ect.
@@1TightMinuteyeah women often say one thing but mean another. Movies especially propagate this truth. She was lying to him. She wanted something serious she just didn’t want it with him. He persisted cause he thought that was what he was supposed to do.
Tom is delusional but Summer was straight up manipulative and abusive
There are no real villains in this story. It's a somewhat common dramatic device, even dating back to works of literature written 100+ years ago. The nitty-gritty of it that that, who they were at the time, their values contradicted. If a romantic couples values contradict (keyword is a "contradict" you'll never find someone who matches your values perfectly) their relationship will not survive long-term, well they will both be miserable. Tom and Summer, in-time, learned from each other and grew from their experiences. The most wise-saying I've ever heard plays a role here: If two people like each other and want to be together, nothing in the world will keep them apart, if they aren't meant to be/one doesn't want to, nothing in this world will keep them together.
This has probably been one of the most important RUclips videos I have watched.
Thank you so much :)
as someone who got heartbroken by the girl i loved beyond infinity, this movie was a slap in my face and i really liked your video. thanks for sharing.
This is also how you realize that, while you are unique, your situation is not.
@@williammkydde exactly
The algorithm must've been listening in on my conversations, because this vid was recommended to me just days after a breakup with a girl I've been with for the last 1.5 years (longest relationship I've had to date). While given past experiences with other girlfriends, I feel while I'm not on Toms' level (I certainly used to be), there is still some lingering issues that needed resolved, of which you explained and laid out greatly in this vid. My now ex-girlfriend (we actually were official for a little over a year) is nearly a shoe-in for Summer; mostly cold and cynical, brought on by childhood trauma. I held the delusion in my head that I could change her for the better, but after all that time and placed into prospective by this vid, people will only change if they want to. More so, if that flame isn't reciprocated and tended to over time for each other, it'll obviously snuff itself out. The breakup was mutual, like Toms' ultimately was, and likewise my ex cited that she didn't feel the same for me as I did for her.
This was another shot of reality, and as someone who considers themselves a realist, has a bit of an ironic twist. Thank you again for making this, having that perspective is always helpful, and with any experience there's lessons to be learned.
I was born in the 2000s and it’s still so real. Disney Channel absolutely wrecked my expectations for love and I don’t know how to fix it
I experienced this on a milder level recently, and this video brought up some things that I hadn't fully iternalized. However, despite knowing I have to stop thinking that way and how much I want to move on, I just can't seem to get away from it.
same thing happened to me this summer and broke off into the fall. just getting over it and starting to feel a lot better now. it comes with time, my friend.
I was a hopeless romantic. Im still a lover boy, but i see things a lot more realistic now
Good. Romanticism is good in moderation. Keep your love and emotions alive, nurture it like a humble bonfire. Life is about mental balance.
Jesus, I am literally like Tom and I ended up with similar disaster. Every thing you mentioned it was accurate to me. I met my ,,destiny girl'' in college it was so painfull to seeing her in class after our quarrel, that I quit college. In my heart I still hope that I end up with her...
Same
@@isaiahpaul56 I'm very sorry to hear that. Even if we become to be normal romantic person it will still hurt us, cause romance is dead end. Women never was very romantic to begin with, all the romance was created, by soft, naive men to live with women with more subtle and noble reasons.
@@Piotrf19We ARE romantic. You just happen to meet a girl who is not. Praying for your healing ✨️
@@czaweenuh There are different vision of love. But in reality, women and men are not loving the same way. The image of love showed, by men in romance genre is unfortunately lie, illusion. There are no men, who get love from women they love just because who they are inside. Only women have privilege to get almost unconditional love from men. The love which women love to read and watch is very rooted to their nature. Mafia boss, pirate, vampire, rich player, all these guys have assets and dominance. Women are pragmatic lovers, men are idealistic lovers.
@@Piotrf19believe me women are very romantic that’s why some of them will date man-kids hoping they will mature some day, idealizing them in their head
Something really neat that I found out about this movie while watching a yt video about the origins of romanticism is that before Tom ever confesses his attraction to Summer, she calls him "Young Werther" (I hope I spelled that right) if you are unfamiliar with this piece of writing, it's a sad story from like the 1800s about a young German man who falls in love with a woman who doesnt feel the same. He waits like a decade and runs into her again and throws himself onto her and she again shunts him and he leaves to go commit suicide. Before Tom ever tells Summer how he feels, she knows that he likes her, she knows that he will throw himself to her, and she knows how it will all end for Tom. I have a feeling that she can fortell all of this from the moment that they first make eye contact. If your curious which part it is, it's the scene from the bar. She says, in a british accent,"I nominate young Werther here." Which is an insane thing to call someone if you know what she means by it.
Kinda cruel
No, really, really cruel
Yes she says this in a response to him saying he beliefs in love. Not that he is in love. In that bar scene they have a disunion about falling in love. Tom claims this happens. Summer says it doesn't exist. They discuss. They agree to disagree and then she says that line. It is only after the bar that MCENZIE confesses that Tom likes Summer and the movie shows that she is surprised by this.
So maybe she does but the scene you are referring to is not proof of this.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing.
@@esg721 😂😂
500 Days of Summer is my favourite movie, but I don't think I fully understood it until now. Really great video!
Ty cute c
Tom is too similar to me so I never realized how much he set himself up for failure. This video really put it in perspective.
Renzy, you know too much, bro. This was the most unexpected and impactful film I've ever seen, and the way you put into words and synthesized all the aspects I missed was incredibly useful. I've watched this video three times since yesterday, when I saw the movie. Now I'm going to stop it, that's enough, and I'd better talk to that girl...
Godspeed, friend
This is really great. Most comments I see on other videos are fixated on painting either Tom or Summer as the “bad guy” of the story. When realistically it’s neither of them. They’re both equally confused and naive in their own right
I've done my own research on these situations and its because Tom has an Anxious love style, coining him as the "hopeless romantic" and summer has an Avoidant love style, "coining her as cold". The Anxious person puts their emotional weight on another person and the Avoidant accepts any emotional weight on them which is why they easily attract eachother. Tom doesnt see the blind dates because they are carrying their own weight where summer is accepting of it, which is unhealthy.
Yeah.
your comment had me stuck for a little bit. could you explain more about what you mean? or like in a more simpler way 😅. i feel like i could get something out of this since i see myself as a hopeless romantic so i could kinda step away from it
Yeah and they both kinda become better. Summer learns it’s okay to FEEL anxious and in love. He loves it’s okay to FEEL loss and move on.
Avoidants don't accept those emotions. Summer doesn't accept that at all and she tells him so. Yes, it was naive or selfish of her to suggest something casual (depending on your pov) but she never accepts the emotional weight.
I don't think she's avoidant anyway, she gets married soon after Tom. She just didn't like him, and not believing in love at the time, she took his attention and whatever other positives he brought while knowing how he felt would doom them eventually like women often do.
@@codered6907 do a google search for attachment styles and you'll find tons of information. You're likely an anxious attachment style as well if you consider yourself a romantic. I do as well. You can work on it and become a secure attachment. Which is someone that enjoys a relationship but doesn't need one.
For anyone that has been friendzoned, this movie can give you a good look at yourself. This video was also a good analysis when it comes especially to the dynamics of unrequited love
This video deserves more recognition fr.
So the whole point of the story is dont ignore the red flags and dont waste your effort on someone who is not into you like you are into them ?
Yup. Be realistic with yourself and them.
no, the thing is summer didnt have any red flags, she told him "hey, i dont want anything serious" and he lied saying oh yeah me too! thinking he could change her. he got obssed with her, infatuated. the leason is more about how you approach love. dont run into relations ships being bc you crave being loved.
@user-ff5zm7ic4v oh she wasn't sure about anything in her life and her mind was all over the place but the point is correct he was super obsessed with her and focused on locking her down instead of going with the flow and seeing where things go and not meeting more people especially when she mentioned not looking for anything serious
Amazing video that I feel brings a new perspective to the movie, the point about Tom basically treating Summer as a manic pixie dream girl that will give him the drive and motivation it takes to accomplish his goals is too true, and a hard thing to get out of, the biggest fight of life is finding security in yourself, we are just too used to seeking validation as it drives people towards action so easily, it's like a quick drug. Having a high self esteem, loving what you do, realistic expectations/stakes and just being disciplined is a lot harder to do and takes a lot of work and maturity.
But people are not islands, and if left "on their own" long enough, we see what happens to them - look at the incels and childfree communities.
Thanks for the feature in this one glad to be a part of your channel
I’m surprised you got less than 1K views. This is very good.
I was honestly considering archiving it cause it didn't perform well initially. Happy I didn't :D thank you for the kind words!
@@Renzy_YT Keep them up. Binge watchers are going to want to run through your backlog
I have never seen this movie, but it seems to pretty much described a situation I am currently going through. I feel like it's going to end the same. Thanks for saving me the heartbreak. Great video bro
Interesting: like sitting in a tailspinning aircraft.
This kind of reminds me of a quote that goes something along the lines of “don’t make people your homes because they will leave”
This could be the one video I would want to watch multiple times over again. Great video and I hope I get more out of this when I watch it again.
I generally hope now that there would be a youtube video about escapism. Maybe you Renzy? I really feel that this movie character thinks about love same as I. Now little a bit grown up I am not thinking with escapism mindset so strongly anymore, but looking back in time, Sure, I was like dreaming what could just happen with somebody I had a crush on, but really we were only friends or even that...
Ok I take the first back as this video being the thing I wanted :D
Beautiful analysis. This movie is definitely was one of my favorites to discuss because of its ambiguity on perspective.
Tom represented idealization and Summer was realism. When I first watched this film, I was a lot younger and felt bad for Tom and felt like summer was the “bad guy.” But as I got older I sided with Summer. It’s not inherently to say that Summer was not in the wrong whatsoever, but you come to realize that these two different characters simply weren’t compatible.
Tom’s hyperfixation of love led him to believe that was the center focus of his life. Since he lacked something to be passionate about he spent his time in this bubble of escapism. As where Summer approached her life with a pragmatic viewpoint.
It does go to show you the implications of painting high expectations of people and how reality plays out, because I’m sure we’ve all had our own Summer once at some point in our lives. You live and you learn from it.
Truly enjoyed this video! I love watching film analysis videos especially to read other people’s thoughts and insights on films like these. Great narration as well, will be subscribing!
But in the end they switch roles, he becomes a realist while she becames an idealist believing that her new marriage will last and is true
Tom is concerned with love because love is the thing that drives us at a base level. children, family, stability etc, all stem from love and are far far more important than supposed passions for jobs. Architecture for the most part is like any job, a way to earn money. If you flip the genders around, there's an interesting dynamic. Let's just use the same character names but flip the roles.
Summer is the one that falls in love with Tom. Tom isn't interested in anything serious, but casually see's Summer. Eventually he has enough and breaks off with Summer and ends up finding a woman to marry. How does Tom sound when the roles are flipped? Sounds like user, right? He strung Summer along, knowing he doesn't see her in any real way, but not able to tell her, and eventually when he gets bored or see's summer get too invested, breaks it off.
Summer is partially responsible, but Tom isn't being very honest here - The end of the movie proves, as with all cases, it's not that they weren't interested in anything serious. It's that they weren't interested in anything serious, WITH THEM. It's always the unsaid part.
The movie ironically romanticizes this aspect, that she just magically "clicks" with the one, but honestly in reality it's always the same - The people in 'situationships' or casual relationships, it's not that these people don't want a serious relationship, they do eventually - it's just not with that person. But it's never vocalized and always left unsaid.
In the meantime, those people end up using the person in love to temporarily fill the void of loneliness and to have some intimacy, while rationalizing their selfish behaviour with the justification "I told them I don't want anything serious" - Not that "I don't see you as someone who I would ever want a serious relationship with or fall in love with". Because those are two different things, and if the second, more honest thing would be said, that person would never get involved in the first place.
I agree with OP in some aspects, but I don't think he does a good job analyzing summer.
@@EntertheFray1 I don't know where these people come from, with their confidence and their "authority" to call "idealised" love immature, a mistake, whatever. Like you said, they claim that you should just drop any expectations of others and pursue your own little goals, career, "passions" without involving others, or at the very least be completely detached if anyone else does get involved. I agree with you though, I think love should actually be at the heart of everything, it is pretty much the fundamental human need (other than the regular animal needs like food and sleep), the only thing I would claim has meaning in this world. Of course, this is all just opinions, like thinking vanilla is better than chocolate, but for some reason the "just focus on yourself" crowd thinks it's not only "objectively right", but that the other side is deserving of the most serious condemnation, deserving of being utterly vilified. If anything, what we can empirically study would actually side with the idealists, the hopeless romantics. We know loneliness is one of the biggest killers, we know that by far the biggest predictor of happiness is the quality and depth of your relationships, not money or "doing your own thing". We know babies will die from lack of love. I don't know, good for them if they became jaded and they really think they are better off. But I can't stand how they act as if they were the sole owners of the absolute truth of the world.
Do you acknowldege though that Summer is not innocent in this story? She DECLARED that she was not interested, but didn't she, afterwards, give him every affirmative signal possible? remember that photocopy room scene - who initiated it? the IKEA bed trial? She saw through him, she knew the game she was playing, she pushed every button - but for him, it was not a game. They basically became like a couple - and of course he fell for it, bc that was what he had wanted.
She certainly is pragmatic, like most women are, but in a dishonest way. Had she stayed indifferent and cold, none of this would've happened.
This video attacked me in ways that I didn’t think was possible. Thank you!
This video is amazing. I can understand it, the editing is great, music isn't drowning, and no unnessecary babbling.
This made me realize I almost fell in a situation just like this, but I'm lucky I already started to work on myself and accepted they can't and won't love me, no matter how much I fantasize. It's painful, but it's way better than to realize too late that you acted immature and desperate and feel ashamed.
interesting reflecting on stuff like this after a breakup. Thanks for uploading this.
3:36 Alright, I got what I needed from this, I don't have to watch the rest of the video now. The entirety of the dangers of infatuation has just been explained in that one sentence.
Great video! This movie is an amazing example and meta-analysis of limerence. You explained everything so clearly.
This video weirdly gives me some kind of comfort
“You can’t say or do the right thing, for the wrong person”- so true. The problem is we really want the wrong person to finally be the right person cause we are just so tired of only dealing with the wrong people 😅
I've been this guy before, even somewhat recently, & what I realized at the end of the day is that you only open your heart to others that open theirs back. Sadly, in the modern dating scene dudes like Tom are chewed up & spit out. They are built for courtship, not casual "situationships". Realizing that what I needed was to find someone not only compatible but also with their head in the right place has made all the difference in how I see relationships.
Now that I see it. It is like common sense. Sometimes we fish in the wrong ponds. Happens to everyone, men and women.
My mantra: choose people that want the same things like you and want them with you. Choose people that choose you
@@marte1376 super hard to find people like that, or at least I don't know where to look. I found one perfect girl all my life which was only recently and I'm already 30 years old. Unfortunately after dating for a few months she broke it off saying she didn't feel for me what she hoped to feel...
I've been on dating apps. But the women on there are just not the type I am looking for. Maybe the other girl is still too much in my head but, I feel like I will never meet someone quite like her again.
@@Adama.1 🥺 I think it's a process. I don't think you really love her, you're obsessed with her or limerent. Search for Susan winter here in RUclips. Blessings to you in this journey, mending a broken heart is a beautiful and painful way that leads to self discovery
Man this moive is so well directed and acted its always a joy to watch
I learned this lesson the first time I had feelings for someone. I was young, and inexperience in life, dealing with feelings I'd never felt before. It still hurts because it ended my closest friendship I'd ever had. I have to remind myself that although it was my fault for ignoring reality, the reality I was ignoring wasn't my fault.
I was waiting for this content for so long from this kind of view. Thank you and good luck!
Man this got me thinking about myself. Thank you
Boy this hurt me harder than I think it would
this actually made me realise some things about myself. Nice video man!
I hate this movie but I understand. It did open my eyes and it made me realize that it could be me if I don’t move on. I still get those feelings today but I remind myself, “Don’t play into it.” I will continue to work on myself until the day I die. Dating is not the end game. I have many friends and they make me feel rich. So I don’t need it. I’m not afraid of my fate because I brought myself here. I just gotta see it through.
I don't comment often but i want to share that recently I've been through very similar situation. I got to know a girl who had similar ideals and personality as mine, she was clear from the start that she doesn't want to be attached to anyone, i thought she didn't mean it. She did. We became good friends, shared lots of personal secrets, helped each other emotionally and I started to love her. She responded well to affection so i thought it was mutual. I confessed my feelings and she didn't reciprocrate. I didn't wanted a relationship because of bad experiences and lack of maturity, so it was not a rejection for me. But it still fucks with me how stupid i was during that phase. I feel bad that our friendship will never be the same and i will forever have these memories.
I would've ended this on a positive note but i am planning to never approach someone after this rubbish. I will only love the one who loves me.
Everyone, STOP IDEALIZING PEOPLE
Yes, cuz like it's so easy and not a normal involuntary and unconscious process of falling in love, I imagine you are one of those who say "stop being sad" to those who suffer from depression waiting for them to be cured lmao.
No.. :(
Made that mistake
Yep
After my sister watched this movie, she dogged it so hard and said it unfairly makes Summer a total villain. I said it’s totally appropriate. I think at the time we both misunderstood what the movie was really going for. It’s funny because it’s so accurate, how living with unrealistic expectations really makes one completely suck at life. I’ve always been slow to learning things but might have to watch this movie with fresh eyes again. Great video.
I never thought a random video on RUclips would help me discover the thought process behind one of my biggest flaws. I saw this video pop up and it looked interesting. So I watched the movie before starting the video, because I hadn't seen it before, and something happened. The movie made me realize something, and this video put it into words for me. Usually I think other people saying a character is "literally them" is ridiculous, but I can't help but feel like Tom is supposed to represent the exact type of person I've become. Ever since middle school I've romanticized the thought of finding the perfect girl. I try to shape reality to the way it plays out in my head, the way I *want* things to be, but it never works. I just turned 19 and it's the biggest thing in my life that tears me apart, because I still haven't experienced it. I think seeing people around me have this experience that I don't, sets this unrealistic expectation in my mind that I'll never be good enough because I don't have that. Because of that I've resorted to making everything in my life about chasing a solution to this "problem" that I have, instead of actually improving upon myself and living my life in a healthy way. I think I just figured out the reason why I've felt so broken all these years, despite there not being anything *actually* wrong with me. I know what the real problem is now. I don't know how long it'll take me, or how I'll get there, but I have my whole life ahead of me to mature and move on like Tom did at the end of the movie. ❤
You've got this, stay strong
Thank you so much for this video. I watched this movie long ago, and I myself, are probably a hopeless romantic to a degree. I adore romance and romance films. So when I had heard how beloved this one was, I had high expectations for it. But when I watched it, I didn’t love it. But now through your explanation years later I understand everything I missed about the film when watching it. I really was not able to see it through this lens on the one watch I had, so thank you.
Don’t worry bro you’ll get the recognition I promise keep the hard work man 💪
It's funny cuz i saw the movie then i was 17 and thought to myself "this is stupid, why she can't ve with Tom, shes just a bad woman". Two years past and i had my first real and intimate releathionship. It ended poorly, even worse than in the movie, all because i wass just like Tom, exactly like him. Now i'm trying to recover after that hard breakup, and your essey opend my mind a bit. Huge thaks for your work, you made a life of a one young man a little bit easyer ❤❤❤
hope you the best
Here’s some advice that cleared my obsession
Think about why you like the person and not just the fantasies that go though your head. I realize the guy I was obsessed with was a fictional character from my fantasy and I have no true feelings with the guy I was obsessed with. The “idea” of the person is who I was going after not the actual person themselves. I had absolutely no feelings for that Person(they are kind, nice going through a lot but I don’t hate them) I was chasing after something that didn’t exist and that got me over them almost instantly. Think down to earth with relationships.
I'm curious, what led you to fantasize about this particular person? You don't do it with everyone right, so there was something about him there initially that made you start your fantasy about him.
Personally a girl I really liked broke up with me recently and a friend of mine told me I wasn't really in love with her but the idea of her. Everything around her. When he asked what I truelly liked about her, I could only really say that she was very kind and seemed to be a romantic just like me, unlike most people who just want casual intimacy. I couldn't really say much else, which is strange and has made me believe that maybe I was not truelly in love with her. But it's fresh still, and I can't really imagine being with someone else...
I very much appreciate how succinct this video is. Great work!
This video opened up my eyes, I did really see parts of my self that I didn’t want, but I’m glad did, thanks for this
I love the scene when he shows up at the rooftop party and had expectation and reality juxtaposed together.
Gosh! I used to be like this too. Even marched into a marriage with this attitude. I could really slap some sense into my younger self. But alas that is the process of learning.
Even though it’s just admiration, I think I’m entering the stage of his experience in movie. I expressed it and that move I did is a blessing in disguised. His friends where trying to partner us in teasing(caught him sometimes looking at me for few seconds) before I did my part. I thought it was wrong to show that I like him but instead it’s the way of stopping “rose-colored glass” moments.
That determined burst emotion saved me.
I'm 41 years old single guy from Indonesia. Thank you for this video...
hey il tell you this rn youtube algorithm is in your favor atm, good quality shit keep it up
this is an amazing analysis. i liked the movie when i saw it and i realized it was high quality, but it annoyed me. now that i look at it this way not only it makes more sense but i find myself to be like tom even more than i thought. anyway hope everyone here gets to experience genuine happiness and peace.
I just discovered your channel today, and I've been bingewatching your videos since. Keep up the awesome work, I really hope you blow up.
I don't agree. As I grow older I see that Tom was completely normal. You should romantically fall in love with someone and expect the same in return. That is a normal thing to do. That's how you create a deep attachment which is necessary for a long relationship and probably marrige later. His problem is that he run into very difficult and emotionally closed person. It's more of a question why he's attracted to here and wants to "fix" her. It is also interesting how the world sees her as normal and him as a "hopeless romantic", saying to us that we need to hide our emotions and not trust anyone.
Now that is a good comment. I believe that this is true. Sometimes, you just have to get lucky and meet the right woman, I guess.
Showing and reciprocating feelings is a normal part of a healthy relationship, but this is clown world. “A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying, 'You are mad; you are not like us.”
Exactly -- the problem is NOT that Tom fell in love head over heels, it's that he fell in love with the WRONG PERSON and STAYED in love with her LONG AFTER he SHOULD have realized she was the wrong person!
100% this, there is nothing abnormal or delusional about his behavior, he is just choosing poorly & allowing himself to be strung along by someone who refuses to open up. If Tom's feelings were reciprocated we'd see it as a whirlwind romance, but because they're not he's seen as living in fantasy? It's an incredibly naïve take & one that demonstrates that most people have no clue what romance actually is.
@@agentorange153That's true. For such people it's best to learn their lesson early or else they get their hearts broken one too many times by going after clearly unavailable people, and the end result is they become like the girl in the movie - cold and indifferent. Which of course isn't right.
Great movie, and awesome analysis! I just watched 3 of your vids back to back. Awesome work
You're killing it out here Renzy! 👏
hey man your voice over is so perfect and so much meaningful , thanks for this amazing video and sending lots of love for your future projects
Thank you so much!
Holy holy holy smokes. This spoke to me on crazy levels. I'd like to thank you for this video, it's really an eye opener. Especially the part of growing up on romance films and having a warped perception. Thank you
"Despite knowing nothing about her."
This is a huge issue for a lot of men.
Think you might've misinterpreted the point a little. These issues aren't gender specific, despite what social media may like to say
" Despite knowing nothing about her. " that's when people are actually perfect the more you know about them the further from perfection they fall
Ive been in love with a girl ive known doesn't meddle with love overall, let alone boyfriends or commitments to start and have relationships. Ive known but loved her and have had an interest in her for over a year. As much as it takes from my soul, as much as I cry, I also laugh and have fun being with her because even though I cannot be in a romantic relationship with her I can still be close to her as a friend and spend a lot of time with her. Maybe not as much as I could or would have if we were a couple but more than if we weren't so close as friends. Because to me I am truly grateful for just that. I am beginning to find peace with that.
I've accepted since long ago that I will never be together with her and she will never even share the feelings I feel for her back, but that's okay since I understand both why it is and why it will be like that maybe forever. Right now I'm in a bad mental space and place and sadly have been for quite some months now, altough questioning how long I've truly felt this bad since I've probably not shown it and ignored/pushed it aside. I've only become really aware of it because I've stopped caring and stopped pretending, to have let go of this mask that everything is fine and that I'm not feeling romantic feelings to someone in a hopeless way, which in turn has made many people to either worry or question my mental health and how I am feeling, noticing a change in both behaviour and personality.
Will I ever grow past this? Will I ever move on from her and maybe find an interest in someone else, to have a new crush on someone. I am only 18 years old, there is still a lot more to life and there's still a future for me. I know that what I feel may very well be the start of something new, the end to something old. What I do hope for is to actually move on, to stop feeling the way I feel about her. The question is if I'll ever get to that stage in my life, given how close we are as friends that ultimately cements the current way I feel about her.
It's hard to move on, when you don't want to move and keep the status quo going for as long as possible.
Is it healthy? I don't think so. It's certainly not doing me any good since I've basically fallen into a depression of some sorts, with no real reason as to why except maybe this? To then talk and tell the person you love and would do anything and everything for that they may be the reason for why you are not mentally okay is both crushing and gut wrenching, making you feel almost completely empty and like you're the absolute worse. Because out of all the things, you do not want her to feel bad then of anything sad.
It's a hopeless case for a hopeless romantic, against a girl who is helplessly not able to fall and reciprocate love towards someone she will never have feelings for.
The one thing I could do is take a step back, since at this point I'm ready to accept that it has gone too far and that I might have been sort of obsessed with her. It would maybe do me wonders or maybe would help but only just a little. Given my situation, that little bit of help could change everything or at the least cause a sort of domino effect of futural events and thoughts that'll help me out of my own emotional grave.
To everyone who has gone and took the time to actually listen to my vent and mindless rant about myself I thank you, since you absolutely did not have to do that lol. I am typing all of this because I felt like it needed to be said somewhere sometime. I probably just fit under this video in my mind.
Take care of yourself and know that there is good out there for you. You just have to take a small step into the uncomfortable world and it's situations. Thank you for reading, I end this comment now with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye ;)
I think you'd benefit from visiting aro-ace communities and reading.
It is not unhealthy, it just is not meeting your higher needs/wants.
You want more. It is up to you if you'll go for it.
Give it up for a chance that may not exist (or be realised) of total reciprocation.
I have been in the same situation as you but I decided to confess and move on. The guy in question was super nice, and he told me I should move on, that they're be no hard feelings. Only thing, that guy, he date people but it wasn't a healthy situation, he was the type of person to swap gfs quickly, had trauma to resolve, didn't want me dealing with all of that since he could tell I really did love him, like an agape kind of love not just infatuation, he thought it'd be better for me to let him go and find someone else. And he was kind of right, being single and uninterested in anyone did a world of good in and of itself but also, it is just not the same.
If you need any advice, feel free to reply here and I'll try to get back to you if I am online on here. And you're welcome, hope you are and will be taking care of yourself too.
This movie is my 500th day of my summer ❤
Exactly what I needed to understand that I couldn't earlier 👀❤️
Lol, needed this right now. We are all watched at all times. But sometimes it's useful
today i just ruined a 4 year friendship because i was convinced she was the one, but she felt nothing for me.
sadly, i have watched this video too late for me to avoid making the bad decision.
i needed this. great video.
Ole Sinatra has a song, "Something stupid".
I personally don't believe in intersexual friendships. One of the two must be secretly in love, while the other one is just pretending not to notice. E.g., if I like a girl, I would gladly accept being her friend. But then, if I realized, as a "frienddd", that she was making out with another guy, I would be dead jealous. It's not friendship.
I've had such "friendships". It feels good initially, like getting closer and closer, but then she gets a BF, and you become superfluous, bc, with a BF in the picture, you can't keep seeing her as before. And if he sees you, he gives you dirty looks, never good. It's a toxic dynamic.
@@williammkydde true. that happened to me too.
Absolutely LOVE the use of Chopin’s music and other classical pieces in this video!
I can relate to Tom a lot. Two years ago I met a girl and there was a misunderstanding, she said she wasn't looking for anyone to date and I also said I wasn't looking for anyone to date. She meant she wasn't interested in dating anyone at all and what I meant was that I'm not actively going on dates with people and being proactive about finding somebody but if someone came along and we liked each other then I was fine with dating. Anyway I thought she meant it in the same way that I did and she thought I meant it in the same way that she did. I was sure she really liked me because of how affectionate she was. So after a handful of months I told her that I was interested in her in a romantic way then she stopped being affectionate but we still hung out and stuff after that. Previously she had told me about abusive exes so I thought that the reason for her no longer being affectionate was that she was afraid of another abusive boyfriend. Also after telling her how I felt she said she needed some time to think about it. So I thought she still liked me but was just being cautious because of her past experiences. I thought that she'd come around eventually and see that I wasn't going to be like that and then we'd be all good. A long time passes and I'm getting a little tired of waiting so I bring it up again and we have a conversation and she says she's not interested in me romantically but acknowledges that we do have an emotional bond and chemistry. So she didn't want to end whatever the hell this was and I didn't either but I guess for different reasons. I tell her that it's hurting me and that I can't keep doing this and that we have to end it. So we did, and I never saw her again. That was about six months ago. There's a bitterness that still lingers in me because, like Tom, I put in so much effort and all I have to show for it is pain and a newfound sense of cynicism. I think all of my feelings, good and bad up to that point were amplified because before meeting her it had been a long time since I ever even tried to bond with someone and form a relationship. Why the hell was she so affectionate up until I bring up romance then it's just gone like a light switch turned off? And if we had all this chemistry like she said why did it turn out the way it did? The mixed signals make me think she couldn't let go of past trauma. I don't know the answer and I guess I never will. There was no closure for me. I guess stuff like this is supposed to make me stronger and wiser but I just feel terrible and it annoys me that I still think of her. I'm sure I'll get over it though.
Hey man I will never meet you but I have lived a very similar situation two years ago. I cut contact sooner than you so maybe that has helped speeding up my healing.
From this advanced point of view I just want to tell you this, even if it may sound weird: the love you feel for this girl is not what it seems. It is a deep love of humanity, of the femenine, a love of beauty, a love of goodness itself: your beloved is just one of the many vessels God made for her many separate qualities, which can be found not only on her but on all creation, if you learn to open your heart.
Unrequited love is a call to understanding: your beloved has gone and you cannot waste time waiting for her to be back. You will not see the same sunset twice. Be thankful of your good times with her, pray for her (think good things and hope good things for her: this works even if you are not a man of faith) and remember that all the things you loved about her exist abundantly in our world. Open your eyes, think of all the blessings of your daily life (which I hope to be many) and dont worry too much. More great things will come, and if they dont you still live in the closest thing to paradise that exists on the universe: planet earth.
Lastly: the chemical reaction of earthly love will fade sooner than you think, but remember that a watched pot never boils. Occupy your mind, reconnect with your goals and pursue them. Waste no time on resentment or hate or rumination, she has her path and you have yours. You have been important to each other, dont keep counting more details. Keep walking your path and appreciate the view. YOUR view, which never shall repeat itself till the end of time.
God loves you whoever you are, despite and because of your sins. Bless you.
I hope the christian babble doesnt distract from the main point of what I say, which is true and universal with or without a creator.
@oscargarciapenas7370 Wow, thanks for taking the time to share all of that. It's just a comment but I do appreciate it so again, thank you
Its kinda wild how those that say they don't want a relationship or aren't into you like that still show the outmost affection you've ever felt. They'd cook for you, check on you if you're sick, give you great sex, go out and share secrets with you but being in a relationship is where they draw the line.. I still cannot fathom it even this day