Listening to this is eye opening. It’s cruel to love someone for what you make of them. It’s cruel to imprison someone in your idealism. It’s cruel to hate yourself so much that you need someone to save you from it.
It can be very cruel... I realize that when I pour more love into myself I see that I don't mind not dealing with a toxic partner just for security. I will no longer resent myself for not forcing myself to fit their molds and just be. I was always jealous of people who were adored for just simply being themselves.
The latest statement is the one I respect you the most for, abusive partners or in general broken people aren't just destructive towards others but mostly themselves, men that don't feel comfortable with their girl going outside with a dress that shows too much or women who dont like their men talking to other girls are people filled with insecurities and that make themselves suffer as much as their partners
"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies, and it ceases to be what you love. So, if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession; love is about appreciation." - Osho
Pulled it out of his ass tbh A desire to dominate others does not always stem from insecurity, so that argument isn’t even necessarily case, it’s just projection
@@pointlesspleasures you are terminally online if you think most cases where someone desires dominance, it is driven by insecurity That just sounds like some rationalization to give domineering people some imperfection to make yourself feel better
@@dream1430Where else do you believe a dominance complex stems from if not a place of insecurity? Genuinely asking. It's not necessarily a beneficial or healthy behavior, so to think it comes from a healthy place is misguided.
One time on tumblr I saw someone say something that really stuck with me: “calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.” Edit: War in the comments!! People are arguing a lot about the neighborhood comparison, and so I thought maybe you can think of it in the way that your neighborhood is yours but you also have an individual house. We each have a neighborhood within ourselves of who we love and how, informing how we decorate the interior, as each house is unique yet all part of the whole which is taken care of by everyone. Tbh maybe even that moves away from the intent of then original post, so I’d also say it’s more like renting a house than owning one.
i'd argue passion is inherent to our nature, even love, be it selfless or selfish. Passion is birthed from the consummation of curiosity and gratification, or intuition in some instances. Nonetheless, we depend on the juxtaposition of failure and success. "it is within this intense curiosity we have for the other where love emerges." Maybe I'd be more reassured if the words were switched around. "Love without judgement, listen without attachment." Loving, in the romantic sense, cannot work without an attachment. You cannot intensely study something you don't have an attachment to. On the other hand, listening must be done from a distance: both from oneself and the other. Listening while engaging with one's own inner dialogue distorts the information received and usually results in an incomplete understanding. blah blah blah blah blah
Loving someone through attachment at first, and then realizing you truly do love them as they are, once you lose them, is one hell of an emotional roller coaster.
True , but that is also life, to fall in love and lose that person for some reason or misunderstanding is something pretty much all of us have experienced,it hurts your soul
The hardest thing I've had to learn is that no matter how important someone is to you, you cannot expect them to view you the same way. How to move on from this is something I'm still learning
In my case, I got apathetic, I haven't had a genuine emotional connection with anyone in 5 years already, can't say it's the way to go but it's a shield
@@Melissa31179 this is what has happened to me and its horrible, years of unrequited love and people not feeling the same way just leaves you cold, you just don't want to love anymore because it's always disappointing, the idea of just waiting for "the one" or if it's meant to happen it'll happen has completely stopped from even engaging in dating, but anyway I'm young, 17, I have time to work on other things before I get into any relationships, but it'll suck if in the future nothing really changes and remains the same.
@@kelechi_77 similarly I'm about to get to 20 and in my case I have people who actually wish to engage with me but I got to a point where I just cannot stand people, I like company sometimes but overall I prefer to stay by myself and it's rare for me to find anyone I'm interested in spending time with, one part comes from apathy, the other part comes from lack of shared interests which are key for how I interact with others, since I'm a socially awkward individual shared interests are how I usually keep conversations going
@@kelechi_77 I totally get that. I used to always dream of that perfect romance and all, but it's when you realize that you're worthy on your own that you feel at peace. You don't need someone else to complete you.
I think, the way to go is to learn to love yourself and just take it easy. Idk why but I've seen far too many people losing themselves in their relationships, yet they are just desparate to hold on to it, even though it's wrecking them. Being able to love yourself, is imo the basic requirement to love another person, and even in the worst situation the other person doesn't love you back, you can take care and love yourself. People and time are all coming and going, not saying that you shouldn't hold on to any relationship, but don't put the responsiblity to improve your life on another person. Love is only a decoration of life, having it should make life more beautiful, but even without it, life is still wonderful on it's own.
I'd like to give you a piece of advice, I saw this somewhere else a long time ago, but I dont remember where though I'd like to give credit. Everybody changes, you cannot promise forever because you dont know in which way you will grow, you can only hope that both you and your partner grow in the same direction. If you happen to grow in different directions, there should be no shame in that. Forever love does not exist, because we never stay the same forever, because that would be a sad life (in my opinion). One should enjoy the love they share with someone currently, but have no hard feelings when that connection is gone. Love each other now, respect each other later, is the way it should always be.
You literally cannot know that anyone has ever "achieved" this. But even if they did, it's not love. It's at best, apathy. More likely a narcissistic mental circle-jerk.
Yeah this video makes it seem harder than real life love actually is tbh. For many people it just falls in place and their romantic attachment is reciprocated, and then developing love over the course of years isn't this monumental task the video makes it out to be. It's still difficult of course, it has many ups and downs, but not every successful couple out there has achieved nirvana by developing complete spiritual selflessness. Weird how it makes the narcissistic kind of love about men as well, i know tons of narcissistic, controlling women in romance in my life.
Moving on from a love lost is so difficult when she was the only person you’ve ever had to actually show you that kind of love. When you’ve been so alone your whole life. I’ll always love her. I’m trying to let her go but it’s just so painful.
It will eventually get better. I had a similar experience happen to me, and it's still going on in my life, i wont lie. But i came to realize that the main thing to do it's not to ''let them go''. They already went away. It's painful to say and think but it's true. We have to let ourselves go, instead. Leave the past as it is, far, unreachable and eternal, and live in our present. Try to forgive and love ourselves by just *living*. Pain will eventually go away, and if the universe wants, there's gonna be love again in your life, or maybe there is already, you havent realized it yet. I wish you the best in your life, it will get better
I'm sorry for your loss. Its a cliche thing to say but it will get better. For now just process your emotions and grieve the future you two won't get together. Wish you all the best🫂
I'm almost 7 months out from losing my first and only love. We were together for a really long time, and it was inconceivably painful to lose her. But I can also hardly believe how much better things are now than they were when it first happened. Ironically, sadistically, this is an opportunity for personal growth. Try to take advantage of that, and feel all your feelings to the fullest.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up if you catch yourself thinking about her. She will reappear multiple times from your memories, but if you live in the present that will happen less often over time, until you eventually don't feel as bad. It took me a few years to get over my first love, you just need to give yourself time to heal.
Well, I think a relationship is... being vulnerable, like, you just are there for your partner and your partner is there for you, and to understand who is the person you are with, and for your partner to understand you, there you have to be vulnerable, to communicate with your partner on how much you love them, just like your partner loves you. It is like a dance, you dance in harmony with them, and they dance with you, together.
I understand the need for boundaries in a relationship. Though at times it does get hard knowing that the person you love could leave at any time, I think learning to let go will be just as hard yet important as the process of building the relationship to start.
The most important thing in relationship is being open to intimacy, not boundaries, boundaries is what ends up destroying the relationship. it is ok to have boundaries at the start, but once you get to know someone you have to be open with them, even if you are afraid of getting betrayed
@@Rguhbuh”You shouldn’t have boundaries” is the most toxic shit lmfao, especially when you’re acting like boundaries are a direct opposite and obstacle to intimacy. NOT having boundaries is what destroys relationships. This is some controlling ass thinking bro.
@@dkcsi9256 Not wanting boundaries just makes me think he's in an open-relationship or something. And when he said the betrayal part I inmediately went "this nigga is a CUCK"
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
@@johnny8447 it’s so great, used in Bleu from Kieslowski (composed by Zbigniew Preisner) as a supposed song for the unification of Europe. ruclips.net/video/14Q8yrQ8hSE/видео.htmlsi=c-LWwYltYVMgA9qW
I lived through 5 years of a narcissistic, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. At the end of it, I began writing my feelings out. Finally allowing myself to discover my feelings. I ended up finding my own thoughts of love. And I wrote a statement that I found profound. "Love is the destruction of the self, yet the embodiment of ego all the same. It is how love makes itself so painful" I don't know if that's profound, or the ramblings of a sad person, but I found meaning in love when I wrote that after considering it all hopeless. To love another you have to love yourself, else you depend on the other to love you- and find nothing to give them in return. But contradictory to that- yoy must also sacrifice yourself for the sake of the one you love. It's a mutual give and take. You give a piece if yourself to another and they give you a piece if themselves. You keep giving and giving. And you pray that they give as well, rather than take. And they pray that you give rather than take. And that eternal exchange, the back and forth- becoming one with each other among the bodies and souls of two- that's love.
It would be more accurate to say that nothing is the best starting point. I found love through nothing. Don't fear anything now. Still a world full of cowards though.
Your words are simply beautiful. In this me and my partner agree. She found me, I had built walls to prevent vulnerability for so many years and we couldn't help but destroy them for eachother so that those pieces could be exchanged.
It's unfortunate, everyone is trying not to get hurt but only ends up hurting people they love or themselves...it's hard to be vulnerable but when we are it eases the pain
I've discovered there needs to be a balance between 1) not doing things that may hurt; fearing hurting them and 2) doing, trying plenty of things to help. Could word this differently here. But basically I'm more like 1), having more caution regarding taking actions, more considerate about how they may harm (I guess bc I know how badly it affects me,). Indeed Elliott Smith is like this too, eg see Pitzellah (great song. Interestingly, almost forgot about his more positive, well known Angeles, Say Yes). Anyway this one girl who's been a nearly, perhaps lifelong interest, well she clearly is more like 2), less cautious regarding me. Well if she's really into me that is (and I guess why else do such psyops, tho then again idk. She was always nice to me back then; thought maybe she was into me as young kids, but I had I think 2 years to ask, plus no one dated back then and I thought she'd be disturbed or something. Tough to tell. I'm used to ppl being cruel just for the sadism) Update: she has been a little more reserved tho, more recently, I think. Maybe she'll still message with me; I'll check in some short time. Just trying to get, stay stable and healthy right now
"To abandon the present in order to look for things in the future is to throw away the substance and hold onto the shadow" -Tiknot Han This Is an incredible quote, I like It A LOT!
@@IWantLove2 I took it as having a good thing but thinking "this could be better", or to focus so much on whats GOING to happen and not on what IS happening. Doing this youre throwing away what good thing is happening. Instead of focusing on the grass being greener somewhere else, or stressing about what may come in the future, put your attention and devotion into what is currently going on or else you'll lose it
My partner and I stated in the beginning of our relationship that we do NOT belong to each other, we are our own individuals but we will go on forward as a team. We recently broke up(2 weeks ago, mutual decision) but God damn, you want a good woman to hold you accountable, take responsibility and make you grow. Even though the breakup was mutual, I was attached to her, the safety and how she made me grow. Still I didn't want to lose her. The sooner I accepted the reality of impermanence, I was able to float with the current instead of resisting it. I of course will have ups and downs but the impact a partner can have on you is not to be understated. I'm a better man today because of her.
I also broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago. She initiated it but there was also no fight or anything. I miss her so much and I hope we'll be together again but obviously I can't force it. She made me more productive and just all around better and happier. Now I'm alternating between moods quickly. What makes it so hard is that there wasn't anything malicious happening like cheating or betraying the other person, she just doesn't seem to have the mental well-being nor energy to be in a relationship at the moment. So there is a small amount of hope left, which kind of keeps me going but also crushes me. I love her and that's why it's so difficult.
@@teppopierune5520 I've been in a similar spot. Please don't cling onto hope too hard (I obviously don't know your situation, but regretting and wanting to get back together can be very dangerous). It ended for a reason, and unless you can be sure that the reason is gone, I would recommend you don't plunge back into a relationship, especially when you still haven't healed from the heartbreak. Good luck
@@dickurkel6910 Thank you, and yes, I know clinging on too hard can be dangerous. I'll live my own life and maybe in a couple of months see what's going on with her and assess the situation. If it's not looking any better by then, I'll drop it and stop clinging onto her forever.
@@teppopierune5520Me and my girl broke up few months ago, in a similar way that you guys described. In the start i was hoping she would change her mind. Also the alternating in mental states hasnt really stopped yet, but it did greatly reduce. I also hoped that we would meet somewhere in the future and that she would fall in love with me again. That clinging on to the maybe was destroying me, so what helped me in moving on was deciding that even if she did change her mind in the future, i wouldnt take her back. We are done. There is no future with her in it. So while Im not ready for another relationship yet, I sure dont fall apart over my old one on the daily, especially when i see her. Not a lot of feelings are left for the present her, which while my romantic self of the past 2 years would find terrible and sad, i find quite alright. I dont really need to feel anything towards someone who I no longer share my life with, and who will not be present in my future.
Don't be possessive be devoted. People who abuse your devotion to them don't deserve you and if you abuse their devotion to you, then you don't deserve them.
@@ThumpingThromnambularell that's kind of the point of the channel, psych for regular people. Also I'm pretty sure the original comment isn't literally asking for him to get a PhD.
Everything changes and so does love. I grieve the loss of loved one and it‘s okay. I may have been attached to them but what I truly grieve is the lost opportunities to show them love, to share love with them, to love them. To see them and their whole potential. I grieve for I will never satisfy my curiosity, never see what could have been, how things would have developed. But hey, I got to love them. Isn’t that beautiful? I got to experience what it means to be truly seen and to truly see somebody. To witness each other‘s oceans of potential. And perhaps I must understand that I can’t just stay in one ocean. There is so much more oceans to explore. So much more to learn and love. Love, what a feeling.
Great video! Unfortunately, my 2 year relationship ended a month ago. The person I believed was the love of my life chose to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about him. Despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. He’s always on my mind, and I miss him more than words can express.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
This sounds like me. Having a love fantasy that isn't attainable, the idea of meeting some perfect partner that will fulfill all my desires, attachment, wanting to be loved, believing my partner doesn't love me when in reality I don't love myself and I'm projecting my own self hatred onto them. To me love isn't love unless it involves the 2 people being attached, me and this person are each other's entire world.... Which as I'm typing this sounds so insane. I realize now that this mindset is toxic and I want rid of that part of myself. Hoping I can break out of this way of thinking, but usually this kind of mindset is developed in early childhood and unless it's disposed of in early childhood it can't be changed in adulthood.
believing that frames of thought can't be unlearned in adulthood is not only wrong, but is also a great way to deprive yourself of any agency for your actions and feel powerless
I don't know if I'm understanding this correctly (the video and comments are really confusing to me, sorry), but this kinda reminds me of "BURN PYGMALION!!! A Better Guide to Romance" by The Scary Jokes. It's a song album, but the whole thing strings together a narrative.
It can be unlearned. I'm in the process of it and I already see big changes in my thinking. You've got to face the reality that the only relationship stable in your life is the relationship to yourself. You don't need others to feel secure and you can learn that. Start to give yourself the things you're really searching for.
Sisysphus, just as I was about to breakdown and cry about my relationship, You were here to save the day and relieved me of my vicious pain from this video alone. I can't tell how you glad I am not to fall because how inspiring this video is, Thank you
@@tbmavenger71maybe, but it puts all these thoughts and concepts on a screen, organizing and presenting them to us. imo that's more than enough to make one rethink their situation etc etc
Well said. To add on to the idea of love without attachment, I believe that an essential part of true love is the ability to let go. By letting go, we accept change in all its forms and learn to discern love from other things that society deems to be love but are in actuality a lack of boundaries.
Honestly I’m welling up with tears after watching this. I love how to the point and well articulated this is so thank you. I want nothing more than to nurture relationships by this way of loving. I see also how I can nurture that love within myself and my friendships before having that in romance which gives me a lot of hope and encouragement knowing I’m capable of giving and receiving real love built on deep understanding of one another without the attachment.
Contemplating pursuing a break up currently because the relationship has reached a toxic and frankly scary place. Thank you for humanizing me a little and framing this in a way that allows myself to accept this loss.
this video was recommended to me in the perfect moment. every 90 seconds i had to go back like 3 times to relisten what was said because it resonated with me so much
This was very comforting and reaffirming for me. My ex was possessive and obsessive. I would tell them what I want most for them is happiness, and if I wasn’t the thing that made them happy I wouldn’t want to be with them and that hurt them because they wanted me to reciprocate that possessiveness and wanted me to desire being with them over their mental well-being as they did to me. And our relationship abundantly showed that dynamic, even at one point they told me they’d prefer if I died than broke up with them. I didn’t realize how traumatic that relationship was for me until months after breaking up with them, and this has helped me feel comfortable that the perspective I have isn’t unnecessarily detached or emotionally unavailable somehow like they would have had me believe.
Oh okay it's okay you did great things, don't worry man God had amazing plan, the pain you have it's purpose put faith in jesus nd allow him to work in yr life 🙌🙌
Man why did this come up in my recommended exactly when I needed it? It's directly calling me out in ways I hadn't thought about yet. Thank you for this 🤝
“boundaries can be misused as forms of policing and correcting the ways in which their partner is supposed to love them -- this possessiveness is deeply tied to our own self image, we do not feel secure in ourselves and so we attempt to own and dominate another in order to regain some security”
this video is awesome as usual. the idea of wanting to be loved without loving is so pertinent to not just our social views on romantic relationships, but even our social views of ourselves and our careers
Recently "broke up" with a person with whom we've had deep connection. Why - we couldn't move together in time we'd both be comfortable with. Yet we still do have that connection though, because love is not about being in a romantic relationship. Even though they do have a new partner now, we still do have that connection. Yea, it did hurt each one of us at first. It always feels like the end of the world. And it doesn't anymore. We still exchange memes, support each other, feel for each other, and even love each other, just not within certain boundaries we've used to have. Not being with each other didn't make any of us worse as a person. Being single, too, does not make any of us somewhat less of a person. Just as being in a relationship or with someone pretty, does not make a person better. And realizing that, living with that, "using" that, is much more important and valuable than having some kickass partner or many-many partners. In fact, a person who knows their value and is confidently single, is much more attractive than a person who is not-so-confidently in a relationship with someone.
Such a great video with a lot of great take-aways. For most people, projecting your idea of what a partner should be onto your s/o works in place of having those conversations. Partners are not monoliths regardless of gender, and there’s no guaranteed way to know what you and your partner want unless you have those conversations. Those things should not necessarily be implied. The piece about humility really comes into play when you decide to have the difficult conversations about what both partners want in a relationship prior to becoming a couple. Wonderful video!
I disagree that love can come without attachement. I agree that it must be a common projecy of integrating the other in your life. The reason for that is stability from which you can be solid, flexible, and apt at dealing with situations to protect the future family you would create. That implies that you make a part of you adapted to your partner. It is still a part of you, and you do that for yourself. But it is adapted to your partner. Once such a thing is in place, how could there be no attachment? Not being attached, means not being deeply involved with the other person. Not evey relationship needs a deep involvement or a deep change, but I believe that attacement is valuable as a binding force that encourage changement and adaptation with your partner. The important concept is rather how to you take care of this attachement. And there, I agree that it must be let go of when unjustified. There is a part of you that you wouldn't change for your partner, and a part of them that you shouldn't change. Those segments of your lives are forever changing. Always welcome attachement and changes, and always let them go as well...
@@amneenja5720 I like that idea, that's definitely more realistic than black/white perspective. But I like to phrase it otherwise : it's about what is "appropriate". It is appropriate to attach yourself. Sometimes. It is also appropriate to detach yourself. Sometimes. It's really about trying to see clearly how things are changing and honestly acting how you feel, not how you imagine that you should feel. In my previous comment, it would mean : if you are happy changing for the other person, that is going to create a justified attachment. But one day you might not be happy anymore about that part of you, for various reasons. Then you can just let it go slowly. Not easy when it comes to love, but I believe attachment to be so useful, since it keeps you out of temptation and close to your family. It's basically recognizing your purpose in life in someone else.
completely agree. there is no such thing as loving without attachment, that would be called appreciation. i guess it depends on what people consider the "loving" actions themselves, but in my opinion there is no way to form a bond with someone without some sort of attachment. i believe loving with HEALTHY attachments is what we should really be talking about here. not all attachment is unhealthy, when it is secure it is safe, enjoyable, and beneficial for all parties involved! :)
this is becoming incredibly uncanny sisyphus. here i am looming over and asking myself if i should act on my feelings for a girl i have had for a while, and you post this. great timing indeed.
Hey Sisyphus55, I realized I need to credit you for very much of the personal growth I’ve accomplished over the last year since my breakup and even before then. Your content was exactly what I needed to codify what a lot of my feelings were and be more conscious of others and of my own mental realm. Thank you
when i realized how much i loved being with myself and doing the things i love without remorse, i understood a little bit more about not chaining people down for the sake of love. i jus love being FREE ;P
This video was a huge eye opening to me and might have changed my life. Thank you so much for making this and for all the comments giving extra insight.
I am so glad I found this channel so long ago it helped me heal the wounds that were made from poor relationships and depression I'm so glad you were able to word things in such a way and give literally life changing ideas/ advice
I am blessed enough to be raised by parents who I believe have taught me love the correct way. This video has opened my eyes a bit to how over people perceive love. Good video homie
This video brings up some great memories as well as sad thoughts. I can't help but feel cheated of this experience as every partner I've had basically used me for their own selfish needs and so I find myself doubting that anyone would love me for non narcissistic reasons. But, if nobody else really finds me lovable for now, at least I like myself enough to enjoy my own company, add in some parasocial youtuber nonsense and I think I'll just chill until someone treats me well :p
One of the most ESSENTIAL dispositions to adopt as a man is: To be outcome independent. Of course strive and fight for what you are looking for out of this life. But have the courage to choose happiness and love for yourself regardless of the outcome. This is such a powerful message Jonah has taught us and we need to live by it. Choose outcome independence and you outcome will be a good one.
Tough to wrap my head around this. I’m almost entirely outcome dependent, I believe that oftentimes ends justify the means. Why would I do things that result in outcomes I don’t desire, simply to learn that I don’t like those outcomes?
@@nickthompson1812 Because you might adjust the desired outcome through the journey of achieving it, and end up happier for it. You are not embracing the growth to get to the outcome as something positive by itself. Being outcome independent allows you to miss the target but appreciate what you learned and gained on the way.
This has seriously helped me learn. Thank you so very much. I never learned how to love others. I genuinely had no examples to follow, and I was the unhealthy partner without realizing it. Thanks for helping to teach me and show me what I was doing and how to change
boundaries is absolutely necessary unless you want to sacrifice your own integrity. Our own acts and behaviors are interwoven with the realities of other, separate people. There’s no way around that. If your partner wants something which either directly or indirectly will hurt you on some level there has to be compromise or separation. The exact same logic applies to groups. Socializing is ALWAYS going to involve sacrifice of the self on some level.
girl here! i really needed this. i'm on the receiving end of a 2+yr relationship very similar to the one described (lack of agency with an insecure bf) and it's so exhausting... it's draining and stressful and while i'm proud of the ways that i've grown and the things i've learned, i can feel that i wasn't the same person i was before i got into a relationship (and not in the good way). it honestly feels like shit to realize this so late, since up until recently i tried to convince myself (who, by the way, has nobody to consult since i was praised immensely for not having friends. among other isolating things. yeah, real dumb. go figure) that this was normal. ... what i'm trying to say is, thanks so much for making this video! i feel so affirmed and it feels like i'm not alone anymore! thank you a million times over!! i hope that beautiful things come your way
Really sounds like you love the guy. In the end, situations like this are based entirely on whether or not you've broken trust at some point. If you have, he has the right to be insecure. (also childhood trauma could give reason) but not then you should leave.
thanks everybody for creating a nice space in the comments to explore and on our own feelings within this subject :) its really nice to read everybody's perspectives and to reflect on my own..
Tuesday I went through my first heartbreak. Me and this girl have been helping each other and laughing so hard with each other. Shes a genuinely amazing person. I cried when I heard her say she already has a bf. It bumped me out for two days but after talking to some family members who’ve been through much worse, I’m finally able to take the first steps to move on from these feelings. Even though we can’t be together I’ll still have her as a friend. I’m just a little scared a small part of me won’t be able to let go. I first need to love myself before I can love someone else. It’s just a bump on n the road, I tripped but I didn’t fall face first into dirt, I’ll get back up and keep walking. I hope you all find peace. 4:06pm Dec,15,23
I don't agree that we should have no expectations from the other person in the relationship. Love is, to an extent, a sacrifice you make by limiting your freedom in order to reach new freedoms within that love you build together with the other person. That sacrifice is real although the extent to which it reaches can be put into question by every couple. To love someone "with no strings attached" and without any dreams and hopes about your future is not really love.
As an autistic person with (quiet)bpd, boundaries and possession have been such an interesting thing to me that I've been educating myself for years on, attempting to practice what it means to be oneself and commune with another who is also oneself, and share such mutual ground by expressly communicated joy and consent. It's really beautiful when we get to experience one another for who we are inside, and it's always made sense to me and made me happy. As someone with bpd though, though I did a lot of work to feel very confident I could abide the principals in my every day life, finding balance and happiness, I neglected the overwhelming feelings that come forward when I develop a favorite person, and I've realized that the road to being able to process my extremely intense emotions is long ahead, but exciting. I am someone who is capable of feeling bursting emotional experiences that others would not understand or relate to, and as long as I develop the skills to level myself and process my emotions internally without reactively dumping them on those who I care about deeply, I will meet people who will be as enamored as I am with them. I so vividly want to share my emotional experiences with others, and see theirs cast to me together.
I think this philosophy is just that. In real life to love is to attach one cannot exist without the other, and if it's a healthy mutual attachment then that is the key. No attachment makes it all feel like it's not human, and we a social creatures in our core.
I cried because this is true. This is the hard lesson I need to learn. I cried because I am scared. Too scared to be vulnerable, too scared that a person I could love might hurt me and break my heart all over again, too scared to be left alone with the pathetic sense of worth that is myself. I'm scared to be alone. And I need to learn that.. I know that now.
I wish I had understood this before we broke up a bit better. Toward the end I was struggling a lot, expressing my needs and feeling invalidated/and like they couldn’t be met, I felt so hopelessly in love but so broken like I couldn’t do what they needed (needs were not expressed almost ever - and if they were it was about my emotional intensity being too much) and I just wanted a deep connection, communication, consistency, and I tried to see him as human and understand where they came from but they couldn’t give me what I needed. I tried to grow for us both, trying not to be so attached to the end result but it was hard not to be, I was so excited. And then they broke up with me with hardly an explanation, a lot of projection, and coldness. I wish we just could’ve had better conversations understanding where each other were at. One day I’ll heal from this and my past a little more and be able to choose love again and commit to it but for now I’m so broken yet grateful I got to experience a little piece of life with them for a little while. It just sucks we couldn’t make it work (& I felt like I was not given the chance).
Sad to hear that. I wanted to comment on this because this actually sound a little like my relationship with my gf rn. My gf can't go a 2 days without see me/ video calling me, she tells me "I miss you" every single day, and she has this bf's to do list for me. I'm not saying you are like her or whatever, but I just find her root problem similar to yours, which is that there is a reliance to your partner to fulfill* your emotional needs. Man needs respect and women needs love, so I think it's honestly somewhat reasonable for my gf to develop such a reliance on me, but it is unhealthy because she is expecting me to give her something back in return of everything she has or hasn't done. It's tiring for me, it's only been a month since we started going out, but I haven't had a good sleep this entire month. But in the end, it's no one's fault, she just doesn't know what she should do, and in your case, it's not your fault either. Love is all about learning and growing, and growing can hurt, that's all. And I almost forgot what I wanted to write to you: I think, the way to go is to learn to love yourself and just take it easy. Idk why but I've seen far too many people losing themselves in their relationships, yet they are just desparate to hold on to it, even though it's wrecking them. Being able to love yourself, is imo the basic requirement to love another person, and even in the worst situation the other person doesn't love you back, you can take care and love yourself. People and time are all coming and going, not saying that you shouldn't hold on to any relationship, but don't put the responsiblity to improve your life on another person. Think of life as a house and love as the decoration. Love is only an ornament of life, having it should make life more beautiful, but even without it, life is still sufficient on it's own. Spend sometime on your own, learn what make you happy and unhappy, then you'll know what is right for you and what is wrong for you, and you won't need to blindly commit again. Finally, God bless you.
Hello to everyone reading this. Right now, I'm inconsolable. My ex-partner left a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken and saddened since this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I tried, I was unable to win him back. I don't know what to do, but I shouldn't be posting this here.
Since my 12-year relationship ended, I know how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love. But I couldn't just let him go, so I did everything I could to win him back. I finally went to a spiritual counsellor for guidance, and he helped me win back his love.
Im very grateful to encounter this educational short lesson about what real love is, we're not very often demonstrated this to be able to know how to love this way, so fall into less than ideal ways of experiencing love, i recognise in the past i clung to love to tightly and maybe that suffocated it, but with my new partner i want to have a love so genuine and unconditional that we're both able to be our full selves and enhance eachothers lives through that real love ❤️
As someone who's currently very into someone who's going to be moving in less than a month, after which our ability to hang out will only be through messages for minutes at a time at most, it kinda.. hurts loving them under the looming shadow of their impending departure.
People tell others to "get over themselves" or to "stop being narcissists" as though the problem is that they love themselves too much, when the cause is actually self hatred. This should be obvious. Why would a person demand love from others if they already had it in abundance towards themselves? They want love becuase they _can't_ love themsleves and don't have any. So what we should instead tell people is to forgive themselves. This wouldn't be more effective, but it would be more accurate.
Was just reading a book on attachment styles in relationships! This video couldn't have come at a better time, very insightful on how you not only limit your partner but yourself as well when you create a false image and expectations of them. Slowly learning how to unlearn toxic anxious attachment styles of behavior. The book is Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum if anyone wants to read it too, very helpful about understanding where you get your attachment style and how to understand them better.
In short…without having read the book. You get anxious attachment due to your childhood behaviors. Maybe they were vital to your survival when you were a kid but as an adult they are unhealthy and codependent
Nice sounding in the abstract, doubt it's possible in practice. Better to understand this as a search for balance -- between one's own needs and your partner's, between self-fulfillment and selflessness, and fostering intimacy, trust & affection without being possessive or resistant to change. To put it another way: some non-attachment = good. But non-attachment as the goal? Nope, not unless you're a strict Buddhist and are trying to entirely let go of both the self and your relationships.
This channel is on a different level tbh. You always seems to decribe my situation with such accuracy. I find my myself actually saying outloud... "damnn" hahah. Keep up the good work.
as always coming through right when i’m in a place mentally where i need a solution to these problems. such a helpful video to help me reframe. i think we all get caught in our insecurities primarily and i constantly fall for the horrible “perfect” image of my partner i have in my head and am then upset and led to spiral out when she is independent or doesn’t do what i fantasized she would. but it’s so helpful to recognize that she truly is her own person and to love her is to respect her and let her dictate the image i have of her, that is to say, her true image, the one she has chosen for herself. thank you sisyphus
Thank you, Sisyphus. This video helped me a lot. Recently, I've been struggling with my relationship due to preconceived notions of how a relationship should be. Mine were based on possession, while my partner's is based on just what this video is about. I didn't understand it at first, but now I get it. My partner used to be in non-monogamous relationships, but he chose to be in a monogamous one with me. That made me very insecure and made me feel like I needed to keep him on a leash at all times, mainly out of fear of him betraying me. I was afraid that only me wasn't enough for him, even though it was and it is. I noticed that this fear is childish and based on my own insecurities. I also noticed that he didn't really see a problem with the way our relationship worked, because he'd also been in monogamous relationships before. I was just having a big fucking trip down crazy town. This video enlightned me
Well, it seems like you're still not at the loving without attachment part. What if your fear wasn't childish? What if he wanted to be in a non monogamist relationship again? Would you still be capable of loving him? I don't think it would be a bad thing if the answer was no. But is your love based on the condition that he's monogamous? To be clear, I'm not a relationship therapist and I have no experience with what it's like to be in a non monogamist relationship, and I hope you don't take anything I day to heart, just a thought experiment. I feel like what you've described is still not taking sisyphus's ideas to their conclusion
@@andynonymous6769 Damn, that's a hard-hitting question. I can't really go with non-monogamous stuff cuz that's just who I am. He clarified that, to him, it doesn't really make that much of a difference. That they are just different settings with different rules. My love isn't based on the condition that we're in a monogamous relationship, but I'd say it depends on it due to who I am as a person. I honestly love him so much. Even the parts of him that relate to non-monogamous stuff. I, however, do not wish to partake in a non-monogamous relationship. And, with me, he expressed that he also thought it felt like it was just meant to be exactly like we agreed on it being. In the end, monogamy is not the base, but it's certainly one of the most important pillars. It's hard also. I do not think that loving without attachment necessarily means opening up your relationship for other people to partake in it. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should love without attachment as to not hurt themselves or the other. It's all incidental. Or, is it all meant to be exactly the way it is? The internet is a beautiful place sometimes. Due to your comment, I got to really think about this. At the end of the day, a relationship is a commitment, and both parts agree to commit to the rules stablished by both parties. Love I feel that comes with time. After a bit of that initial passion fades. It's instead replaced by a calm and tranquil love. It's nice. At the start, I was way too attached. I'd even be jealous when he went out with his friends. That's the unhealthy part. But, that attachment faded. I learned that it was not about possession. He was and is not my toy. He is the love of my life. I learned that I cannot depend on another to be myself. I've got to do that on my own. And, I leave him be sometimes. We talk everyday, but some days we talk way less. When he's with his friends, I don't message him much. I just ask "was it fun?" He usually responds with a "Very much so" and I just feel happy for him. Our relationship had a toxic phase, but I dare to admit that much of that toxicity came from me. And, a bit came from him. We didn't understand each other much and we were way too attached to one another. Nowadays, it's so calm it's almost scary. But, I kind of love it. We rarely fight, we just have arguments. I'm a tad bit clumsy and he usually scolds me for that, but we always laugh it off. As to my insecurities, they're almost always not true. In the past, some were true, and it made me go bananas. But, when that happens nowadays, I know how to deal with it. In the end, love is not the answer. It's a question. And, the answer is: yes.
I watched a video by Niclas / Upgrade to life where he says one of his mentors told him the best way to love someone is to love them as if they are free. Thank you for your post ❤
As a i n t j I actually appreciate you making this videos that are not completely black screened. It is important for me to be able to visualize what is going on as well as do it in my head you make tons of sense I appreciate everything you do for the community. I guess for me what it does is when it's a black screen my mind wanders and I usually refract to going to reach for my phone and scroll through Facebook Marketplace as I listen. Unfortunately I won't catch everything I might have to watch multiple times in order to catch all the details but add tends to make you have a squirrel moment and you get distracted and kind of get drawn away but this particular video is very good even if it has nothing to do with the video it still has something to do where my mind can Daydream while watching something
I've just come out of a very abusive relationship where he possessed everything I had. He never respected my boundaries. I'm so glad you made this video to help me understand why.
That's what. We submit or opress/dominate only when we ourselves, don't have our sense of self chalked up to a T. Or atleast somewhat have it figured out. Everything after that is a good ol' partnership. As it's meant to be.
That's what. We submit or opress/dominate only when we ourselves, don't have our sense of self chalked up to a T. Or atleast somewhat have it figured out. Everything after that is a good ol' partnership. As it's meant to be.
I just got out of one too, and I also found this video to be enlightening. I knew he was insecure... but this video gives a very good explanation of what's fueling that insecurity. Good luck to you, you have taken an important step to reclaiming the agency over yourself that he took. We're gonna grow from this, girlfriend. And by going through this, we're one step closer to finding someone who will treat us right.
Wow what a video. Something which has helped me in this direction is to accept ANY emotion that arises within me, and allow it to be without changing it. I think there is true freedom to be found in that.
I feel like the word “narcissism” has become over- and misused in recent times, and that people use the word itself to manipulate and shame others into adjusting to their own perspective and beliefs. I’m a woman, and when I read Jonah’s messages, all I saw was someone clearly communicating their own needs and boundaries, and giving their partner the power to choose to stay and adjust, or leave. He didn’t force her to do anything. He said what made him comfortable, and also said that, if she wasn’t okay with it, she could leave. I think we would all have healthier relationships if we normalized this type of clear communication and ended relationships before marriage as opposed to tolerating things we don’t want, staying together for years, and ending up in explosive and painful divorces that could have been completely avoided. He wasn’t acting “narcissistic”. He was mature and clearly communicated what worked for him, and gave her the freedom to leave the relationship. I always want to communicate and be communicated with in this manner. Let’s not waste each others time. Just my thoughts.
I agree completely. People tend to learn through gross overcorrection. The 20th century was filled with domineering relationships and gender roles vying for power over the other, so now, the 21st century is grossly overcorrecting toward an abolishment of all gender roles, and relationship boundaries.
Agree that narcissism is over used completely, but I have to acknowledge boundaries are for yourself not for others. Especially with Jonah Hill, where his discomfort came from her doing her job which she had when he started dating her. If it was a deal breaker it’s his responsibility to acknowledge that and find someone who more fits that need. We can’t dictate others only ourselves.
this video has legitimately changed my view on how i persevere people and how i idealize them in my mind without them being the actual part. Many times, even recently, id put expectations on people of who i wished them to be but not actually what they are, for example: idealizing my friend who has absolutely 0 amount of information on animals as someone who knows exceedingly huge amounts of knowledge on them, thus when they do not meet this criteria or refuse to answer questions based on the subjects I'd get mad or upset because it would not fit my standards. I now acknowledge the fact that i need to work on this, change the way i see people to fit my standards and work on actually seeing them as they are. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
Listening to this is eye opening. It’s cruel to love someone for what you make of them. It’s cruel to imprison someone in your idealism. It’s cruel to hate yourself so much that you need someone to save you from it.
It can be very cruel... I realize that when I pour more love into myself I see that I don't mind not dealing with a toxic partner just for security. I will no longer resent myself for not forcing myself to fit their molds and just be. I was always jealous of people who were adored for just simply being themselves.
The latter part opened an eye for me. I really needed to hear that. Thank you!
That is an incredible quote
The latest statement is the one I respect you the most for, abusive partners or in general broken people aren't just destructive towards others but mostly themselves, men that don't feel comfortable with their girl going outside with a dress that shows too much or women who dont like their men talking to other girls are people filled with insecurities and that make themselves suffer as much as their partners
@@Melissa31179 underrated comment that more people need to see fr
"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies, and it ceases to be what you love. So, if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession; love is about appreciation." - Osho
Always good to quote a rapist cult leader
This is a stupid analogy.. I wish there was a better interpretation.
@@ELVISismaelyumbainabanza1942dawg leave them alone. 😭
@@ELVISismaelyumbainabanza1942 biggest hater ong 😭
Good analogy but only applies to things you love the looks of
Really scary how these videos drop whenever you need em
LITERALLY
Look at God right?
ikr
Yep…
tbh im just going through everything all at once
" we do not feel secure in ourselves and so we attempt to own and dominate another in order to regain some security" hits so hard.
Pulled it out of his ass tbh
A desire to dominate others does not always stem from insecurity, so that argument isn’t even necessarily case, it’s just projection
@@pointlesspleasures you are terminally online if you think most cases where someone desires dominance, it is driven by insecurity
That just sounds like some rationalization to give domineering people some imperfection to make yourself feel better
@@dream1430Where else do you believe a dominance complex stems from if not a place of insecurity? Genuinely asking. It's not necessarily a beneficial or healthy behavior, so to think it comes from a healthy place is misguided.
@dream1430 ironically one of the most obviously insecure comments i’ve ever read
@@pinkmenace2452 reading is hard isn’t it
"Sometimes to love someone, you gotta be a stranger." I adore and despise the truth in this quote.
stranger to love?
@@smol.rozabeanTo no longer be a part of their life
That's from blade runner 😂
Blade Runner 2049
Every second of that movie is crack cocain to me. Including that quote. Also, outer wilds pfp, so your existence is pleasant to me
One time on tumblr I saw someone say something that really stuck with me:
“calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's,
"mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.”
Edit: War in the comments!! People are arguing a lot about the neighborhood comparison, and so I thought maybe you can think of it in the way that your neighborhood is yours but you also have an individual house. We each have a neighborhood within ourselves of who we love and how, informing how we decorate the interior, as each house is unique yet all part of the whole which is taken care of by everyone. Tbh maybe even that moves away from the intent of then original post, so I’d also say it’s more like renting a house than owning one.
Wow!
Beautifully written
your love is for the neighborhood streets 😢
Bros love is devalued
Makes sense as " You don't tag it, you just do it"
“Passion comes through learning rather than through desire or gratification”
“Listen without judgement, love without attachment”
i'd argue passion is inherent to our nature, even love, be it selfless or selfish. Passion is birthed from the consummation of curiosity and gratification, or intuition in some instances. Nonetheless, we depend on the juxtaposition of failure and success.
"it is within this intense curiosity we have for the other where love emerges."
Maybe I'd be more reassured if the words were switched around.
"Love without judgement, listen without attachment."
Loving, in the romantic sense, cannot work without an attachment. You cannot intensely study something you don't have an attachment to.
On the other hand, listening must be done from a distance: both from oneself and the other. Listening while engaging with one's own inner dialogue distorts the information received and usually results in an incomplete understanding.
blah blah blah blah
blah
Whatever 😂
words 2 live by
Saying passion doesn't come from desire sounds quite wrong to me ngl
@@benthamin definitely words.
Loving someone through attachment at first, and then realizing you truly do love them as they are, once you lose them, is one hell of an emotional roller coaster.
ooooooof
True , but that is also life, to fall in love and lose that person for some reason or misunderstanding is something pretty much all of us have experienced,it hurts your soul
Happened to me, still picking up the pieces 😎
Happened to me
Yeah. I totally feel this
The hardest thing I've had to learn is that no matter how important someone is to you, you cannot expect them to view you the same way. How to move on from this is something I'm still learning
In my case, I got apathetic, I haven't had a genuine emotional connection with anyone in 5 years already, can't say it's the way to go but it's a shield
@@Melissa31179 this is what has happened to me and its horrible, years of unrequited love and people not feeling the same way just leaves you cold, you just don't want to love anymore because it's always disappointing, the idea of just waiting for "the one" or if it's meant to happen it'll happen has completely stopped from even engaging in dating, but anyway I'm young, 17, I have time to work on other things before I get into any relationships, but it'll suck if in the future nothing really changes and remains the same.
@@kelechi_77 similarly I'm about to get to 20 and in my case I have people who actually wish to engage with me but I got to a point where I just cannot stand people, I like company sometimes but overall I prefer to stay by myself and it's rare for me to find anyone I'm interested in spending time with, one part comes from apathy, the other part comes from lack of shared interests which are key for how I interact with others, since I'm a socially awkward individual shared interests are how I usually keep conversations going
@@kelechi_77 I totally get that. I used to always dream of that perfect romance and all, but it's when you realize that you're worthy on your own that you feel at peace. You don't need someone else to complete you.
I think, the way to go is to learn to love yourself and just take it easy. Idk why but I've seen far too many people losing themselves in their relationships, yet they are just desparate to hold on to it, even though it's wrecking them. Being able to love yourself, is imo the basic requirement to love another person, and even in the worst situation the other person doesn't love you back, you can take care and love yourself. People and time are all coming and going, not saying that you shouldn't hold on to any relationship, but don't put the responsiblity to improve your life on another person. Love is only a decoration of life, having it should make life more beautiful, but even without it, life is still wonderful on it's own.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, it’s hard loving someone who you know isn’t there to stay forever 💔
But its a good start to recognise those facts. Itmight help with the grieving process later.
No one will stay forever, that’s just being human
Same, but all we can do is just appreciate the moment, so at least we should do it to the fullest
I'd like to give you a piece of advice, I saw this somewhere else a long time ago, but I dont remember where though I'd like to give credit. Everybody changes, you cannot promise forever because you dont know in which way you will grow, you can only hope that both you and your partner grow in the same direction. If you happen to grow in different directions, there should be no shame in that. Forever love does not exist, because we never stay the same forever, because that would be a sad life (in my opinion). One should enjoy the love they share with someone currently, but have no hard feelings when that connection is gone. Love each other now, respect each other later, is the way it should always be.
Like my Cats
The amount of maturity and understanding it takes to truly love someone is so great that I'm surprised anyone ever achieves it
You literally cannot know that anyone has ever "achieved" this. But even if they did, it's not love. It's at best, apathy. More likely a narcissistic mental circle-jerk.
Yeah this video makes it seem harder than real life love actually is tbh. For many people it just falls in place and their romantic attachment is reciprocated, and then developing love over the course of years isn't this monumental task the video makes it out to be. It's still difficult of course, it has many ups and downs, but not every successful couple out there has achieved nirvana by developing complete spiritual selflessness. Weird how it makes the narcissistic kind of love about men as well, i know tons of narcissistic, controlling women in romance in my life.
I've told myself, "I'll never love this deeply again," three times now. The thought of saying it again isn't the soul-crushing exercise it used to be.
That’s pretty beautiful. That love comes from you not necessarily the other person.
That is nota love. That is promiscuity...
I have done this twice now. I can relate. Maybe we will heal and accept the love we deserve.
Moving on from a love lost is so difficult when she was the only person you’ve ever had to actually show you that kind of love. When you’ve been so alone your whole life. I’ll always love her. I’m trying to let her go but it’s just so painful.
It will eventually get better. I had a similar experience happen to me, and it's still going on in my life, i wont lie. But i came to realize that the main thing to do it's not to ''let them go''. They already went away. It's painful to say and think but it's true. We have to let ourselves go, instead. Leave the past as it is, far, unreachable and eternal, and live in our present. Try to forgive and love ourselves by just *living*. Pain will eventually go away, and if the universe wants, there's gonna be love again in your life, or maybe there is already, you havent realized it yet. I wish you the best in your life, it will get better
Same
I'm sorry for your loss. Its a cliche thing to say but it will get better. For now just process your emotions and grieve the future you two won't get together. Wish you all the best🫂
I'm almost 7 months out from losing my first and only love. We were together for a really long time, and it was inconceivably painful to lose her. But I can also hardly believe how much better things are now than they were when it first happened. Ironically, sadistically, this is an opportunity for personal growth. Try to take advantage of that, and feel all your feelings to the fullest.
Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up if you catch yourself thinking about her. She will reappear multiple times from your memories, but if you live in the present that will happen less often over time, until you eventually don't feel as bad.
It took me a few years to get over my first love, you just need to give yourself time to heal.
Love does not control, it yields. It gives freedom and does not restrict...
I agree
But love must be intelligent, otherwise it could be the most destructive force I a persons life.
: )!
This is such bullshit.
But it does guide us
To love without attachment, is to be vulnerable to the things you fear, to allow yourself to be vulnerable to the inevitable
Well, I think a relationship is... being vulnerable, like, you just are there for your partner and your partner is there for you, and to understand who is the person you are with, and for your partner to understand you, there you have to be vulnerable, to communicate with your partner on how much you love them, just like your partner loves you. It is like a dance, you dance in harmony with them, and they dance with you, together.
You have to trust your partner, and they have to trust you too.
I was too comfortable...too trusting...too vulnerable. Now I'm "too much" and everything is "getting old" to them..
I understand the need for boundaries in a relationship. Though at times it does get hard knowing that the person you love could leave at any time, I think learning to let go will be just as hard yet important as the process of building the relationship to start.
i really resonate with this I believe learning to love and then to let go is just another thing important to learn in life
The most important thing in relationship is being open to intimacy, not boundaries, boundaries is what ends up destroying the relationship. it is ok to have boundaries at the start, but once you get to know someone you have to be open with them, even if you are afraid of getting betrayed
@@Rguhbuh”You shouldn’t have boundaries” is the most toxic shit lmfao, especially when you’re acting like boundaries are a direct opposite and obstacle to intimacy.
NOT having boundaries is what destroys relationships. This is some controlling ass thinking bro.
@@dkcsi9256 Not wanting boundaries just makes me think he's in an open-relationship or something. And when he said the betrayal part I inmediately went "this nigga is a CUCK"
“Before I fall in love I’m preparing to leave her”. Let that one sink in.
sometimes it’s hard to watch a sisyphus video because he drops so many golden bars back to back you don’t have time to process the first one
this is precisely how I would describe my experience watching this video 😂
yes it takes my ADHD a$$ 30 mins to watch a 6-minute video. I have to keep rewinding
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Beautifully written, thank you
Sophistry
@@denizgunduz3054 It's from the Bible
@@johnny8447 it’s so great, used in Bleu from Kieslowski (composed by Zbigniew Preisner) as a supposed song for the unification of Europe. ruclips.net/video/14Q8yrQ8hSE/видео.htmlsi=c-LWwYltYVMgA9qW
one of my favourite chapters
I lived through 5 years of a narcissistic, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship.
At the end of it, I began writing my feelings out. Finally allowing myself to discover my feelings.
I ended up finding my own thoughts of love. And I wrote a statement that I found profound.
"Love is the destruction of the self, yet the embodiment of ego all the same. It is how love makes itself so painful"
I don't know if that's profound, or the ramblings of a sad person, but I found meaning in love when I wrote that after considering it all hopeless.
To love another you have to love yourself, else you depend on the other to love you- and find nothing to give them in return. But contradictory to that- yoy must also sacrifice yourself for the sake of the one you love. It's a mutual give and take. You give a piece if yourself to another and they give you a piece if themselves. You keep giving and giving. And you pray that they give as well, rather than take. And they pray that you give rather than take. And that eternal exchange, the back and forth- becoming one with each other among the bodies and souls of two- that's love.
damn straight. Underrated comment.
beautiful perspective, thank you for sharing your thoughts
It would be more accurate to say that nothing is the best starting point.
I found love through nothing. Don't fear anything now. Still a world full of cowards though.
what if they don't let you make sacrifice of yourself, a transactional destruction or growth from a trust known beyond prayer yet still worth the risk
Your words are simply beautiful. In this me and my partner agree. She found me, I had built walls to prevent vulnerability for so many years and we couldn't help but destroy them for eachother so that those pieces could be exchanged.
It's unfortunate, everyone is trying not to get hurt but only ends up hurting people they love or themselves...it's hard to be vulnerable but when we are it eases the pain
I've discovered there needs to be a balance between 1) not doing things that may hurt; fearing hurting them and 2) doing, trying plenty of things to help. Could word this differently here. But basically I'm more like 1), having more caution regarding taking actions, more considerate about how they may harm (I guess bc I know how badly it affects me,). Indeed Elliott Smith is like this too, eg see Pitzellah (great song. Interestingly, almost forgot about his more positive, well known Angeles, Say Yes). Anyway this one girl who's been a nearly, perhaps lifelong interest, well she clearly is more like 2), less cautious regarding me. Well if she's really into me that is (and I guess why else do such psyops, tho then again idk. She was always nice to me back then; thought maybe she was into me as young kids, but I had I think 2 years to ask, plus no one dated back then and I thought she'd be disturbed or something. Tough to tell. I'm used to ppl being cruel just for the sadism)
Update: she has been a little more reserved tho, more recently, I think. Maybe she'll still message with me; I'll check in some short time. Just trying to get, stay stable and healthy right now
"To abandon the present in order to look
for things in the future is to throw away
the substance and hold onto the shadow"
-Tiknot Han
This Is an incredible quote, I like It A LOT!
For anyone curious, his name is spelled "Thich Nhat Hanh" if you want to read more by him :-)
Could you further explain this quote to me & what it means to you as well, please! (And thank you very much if you do!!)
@@IWantLove2 I took it as having a good thing but thinking "this could be better", or to focus so much on whats GOING to happen and not on what IS happening. Doing this youre throwing away what good thing is happening. Instead of focusing on the grass being greener somewhere else, or stressing about what may come in the future, put your attention and devotion into what is currently going on or else you'll lose it
You couldn’t even spell his name right.
My partner and I stated in the beginning of our relationship that we do NOT belong to each other, we are our own individuals but we will go on forward as a team.
We recently broke up(2 weeks ago, mutual decision) but God damn, you want a good woman to hold you accountable, take responsibility and make you grow. Even though the breakup was mutual, I was attached to her, the safety and how she made me grow. Still I didn't want to lose her. The sooner I accepted the reality of impermanence, I was able to float with the current instead of resisting it. I of course will have ups and downs but the impact a partner can have on you is not to be understated.
I'm a better man today because of her.
I also broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago. She initiated it but there was also no fight or anything.
I miss her so much and I hope we'll be together again but obviously I can't force it. She made me more productive and just all around better and happier. Now I'm alternating between moods quickly.
What makes it so hard is that there wasn't anything malicious happening like cheating or betraying the other person, she just doesn't seem to have the mental well-being nor energy to be in a relationship at the moment. So there is a small amount of hope left, which kind of keeps me going but also crushes me. I love her and that's why it's so difficult.
@@teppopierune5520 I've been in a similar spot. Please don't cling onto hope too hard (I obviously don't know your situation, but regretting and wanting to get back together can be very dangerous). It ended for a reason, and unless you can be sure that the reason is gone, I would recommend you don't plunge back into a relationship, especially when you still haven't healed from the heartbreak. Good luck
@@dickurkel6910 Thank you, and yes, I know clinging on too hard can be dangerous. I'll live my own life and maybe in a couple of months see what's going on with her and assess the situation. If it's not looking any better by then, I'll drop it and stop clinging onto her forever.
@@teppopierune5520 i'm going through the exact same thing right now, and the past half a year. Wish you the best !
@@teppopierune5520Me and my girl broke up few months ago, in a similar way that you guys described. In the start i was hoping she would change her mind. Also the alternating in mental states hasnt really stopped yet, but it did greatly reduce. I also hoped that we would meet somewhere in the future and that she would fall in love with me again. That clinging on to the maybe was destroying me, so what helped me in moving on was deciding that even if she did change her mind in the future, i wouldnt take her back. We are done. There is no future with her in it. So while Im not ready for another relationship yet, I sure dont fall apart over my old one on the daily, especially when i see her. Not a lot of feelings are left for the present her, which while my romantic self of the past 2 years would find terrible and sad, i find quite alright. I dont really need to feel anything towards someone who I no longer share my life with, and who will not be present in my future.
Don't be possessive be devoted. People who abuse your devotion to them don't deserve you and if you abuse their devotion to you, then you don't deserve them.
On point!
Your profile picture made this whole comment a funny statement for me haha. But you are true, just had a little laugh :D
This man deserves a PhD for this whole channel
He's using psych 101 shit with Wikipedia level research.
@@ThumpingThromnambular🧐
u deserve to understand why phds are awarded. (not this.)
@@ThumpingThromnambularell that's kind of the point of the channel, psych for regular people. Also I'm pretty sure the original comment isn't literally asking for him to get a PhD.
True
Everything changes and so does love. I grieve the loss of loved one and it‘s okay. I may have been attached to them but what I truly grieve is the lost opportunities to show them love, to share love with them, to love them. To see them and their whole potential. I grieve for I will never satisfy my curiosity, never see what could have been, how things would have developed. But hey, I got to love them. Isn’t that beautiful? I got to experience what it means to be truly seen and to truly see somebody. To witness each other‘s oceans of potential. And perhaps I must understand that I can’t just stay in one ocean. There is so much more oceans to explore. So much more to learn and love.
Love, what a feeling.
This is a beautiful comment. Thanks for sharing it :)
I love you
You just made me cry 😭❤️
Great video! Unfortunately, my 2 year relationship ended a month ago. The person I believed was the love of my life chose to leave, and I’m still deeply in love with him. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about him. Despite all my efforts to win him back, nothing has worked. I feel so frustrated and can’t imagine being with anyone else. He’s always on my mind, and I miss him more than words can express.
Letting go of someone you love is incredibly hard. I went through a similar experience when my twelve-year relationship ended. I couldn't bear to lose him, so I did everything I could to rekindle our relationship. Eventually, I sought the help of a spiritual counselor, who guided us back together.
Wow, that’s amazing! How did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him?
His name is Father Tosin Ayodele an incredible spiritual counselor who specializes in helping people reunite with their ex.
Thank you so much for the suggestion; it means more to me than you know.
This sounds like me. Having a love fantasy that isn't attainable, the idea of meeting some perfect partner that will fulfill all my desires, attachment, wanting to be loved, believing my partner doesn't love me when in reality I don't love myself and I'm projecting my own self hatred onto them. To me love isn't love unless it involves the 2 people being attached, me and this person are each other's entire world.... Which as I'm typing this sounds so insane.
I realize now that this mindset is toxic and I want rid of that part of myself. Hoping I can break out of this way of thinking, but usually this kind of mindset is developed in early childhood and unless it's disposed of in early childhood it can't be changed in adulthood.
believing that frames of thought can't be unlearned in adulthood is not only wrong, but is also a great way to deprive yourself of any agency for your actions and feel powerless
@@Eternity4EvilI completely agree. Everything can be managed and balanced
Trauma therapy works wonders. Attachment trauma can be healed.
I don't know if I'm understanding this correctly (the video and comments are really confusing to me, sorry), but this kinda reminds me of "BURN PYGMALION!!! A Better Guide to Romance" by The Scary Jokes. It's a song album, but the whole thing strings together a narrative.
It can be unlearned. I'm in the process of it and I already see big changes in my thinking. You've got to face the reality that the only relationship stable in your life is the relationship to yourself. You don't need others to feel secure and you can learn that. Start to give yourself the things you're really searching for.
"Self-knowledge has no end - you don't come to an achievement, you don't come to a conclusion. It is an endless river." -Jiddu Krishnamurti
@@mig_kite 💯
"Passion comes through learning" is genuinely such a good way to look at it. Thank you
As a gem fusion once said, “Love takes time and love takes work.”
Garnet!!!
"Your soulmate is your complement, not your missing piece" one of my favorite quotes about love
after being manipulated into doing things I clearly wasn't ok doing in a relationship this video actually helped me mentally, a lot.
Sisysphus, just as I was about to breakdown and cry about my relationship,
You were here to save the day and relieved me of my vicious pain from this video alone.
I can't tell how you glad I am not to fall because how inspiring this video is,
Thank you
“You must be vulnerable to the things you fear” ❤ A really incredible little video. Thank you.
this part fucked me up man
Every video on this channel makes me fundamentally rethink my entire world view.
I both love and fear this man's work.
It's good content but it really is not that deep
@@tbmavenger71maybe, but it puts all these thoughts and concepts on a screen, organizing and presenting them to us. imo that's more than enough to make one rethink their situation etc etc
Its decent at best. decorated with nice words and amazing editing.
@@tbmavenger71you may not find much meaning in something someone else does
Well said. To add on to the idea of love without attachment, I believe that an essential part of true love is the ability to let go. By letting go, we accept change in all its forms and learn to discern love from other things that society deems to be love but are in actuality a lack of boundaries.
Honestly I’m welling up with tears after watching this. I love how to the point and well articulated this is so thank you. I want nothing more than to nurture relationships by this way of loving. I see also how I can nurture that love within myself and my friendships before having that in romance which gives me a lot of hope and encouragement knowing I’m capable of giving and receiving real love built on deep understanding of one another without the attachment.
Contemplating pursuing a break up currently because the relationship has reached a toxic and frankly scary place. Thank you for humanizing me a little and framing this in a way that allows myself to accept this loss.
this video was recommended to me in the perfect moment. every 90 seconds i had to go back like 3 times to relisten what was said because it resonated with me so much
This was very comforting and reaffirming for me. My ex was possessive and obsessive. I would tell them what I want most for them is happiness, and if I wasn’t the thing that made them happy I wouldn’t want to be with them and that hurt them because they wanted me to reciprocate that possessiveness and wanted me to desire being with them over their mental well-being as they did to me. And our relationship abundantly showed that dynamic, even at one point they told me they’d prefer if I died than broke up with them. I didn’t realize how traumatic that relationship was for me until months after breaking up with them, and this has helped me feel comfortable that the perspective I have isn’t unnecessarily detached or emotionally unavailable somehow like they would have had me believe.
Oh okay it's okay you did great things, don't worry man God had amazing plan, the pain you have it's purpose put faith in jesus nd allow him to work in yr life 🙌🙌
Man why did this come up in my recommended exactly when I needed it? It's directly calling me out in ways I hadn't thought about yet. Thank you for this 🤝
“boundaries can be misused as forms of policing and correcting the ways in which their partner is supposed to love them -- this possessiveness is deeply tied to our own self image, we do not feel secure in ourselves and so we attempt to own and dominate another in order to regain some security”
this video is awesome as usual. the idea of wanting to be loved without loving is so pertinent to not just our social views on romantic relationships, but even our social views of ourselves and our careers
Recently "broke up" with a person with whom we've had deep connection.
Why - we couldn't move together in time we'd both be comfortable with.
Yet we still do have that connection though, because love is not about being in a romantic relationship.
Even though they do have a new partner now, we still do have that connection.
Yea, it did hurt each one of us at first. It always feels like the end of the world. And it doesn't anymore.
We still exchange memes, support each other, feel for each other, and even love each other, just not within certain boundaries we've used to have.
Not being with each other didn't make any of us worse as a person.
Being single, too, does not make any of us somewhat less of a person.
Just as being in a relationship or with someone pretty, does not make a person better.
And realizing that, living with that, "using" that, is much more important and valuable than having some kickass partner or many-many partners. In fact, a person who knows their value and is confidently single, is much more attractive than a person who is not-so-confidently in a relationship with someone.
true love is sacrificial love - actions speak louder than words. Sacrifice is a universal language of love beyond race, gender & species
True. To keep love alive, one has to get their priorities right too
Such a great video with a lot of great take-aways. For most people, projecting your idea of what a partner should be onto your s/o works in place of having those conversations. Partners are not monoliths regardless of gender, and there’s no guaranteed way to know what you and your partner want unless you have those conversations. Those things should not necessarily be implied. The piece about humility really comes into play when you decide to have the difficult conversations about what both partners want in a relationship prior to becoming a couple. Wonderful video!
I disagree that love can come without attachement. I agree that it must be a common projecy of integrating the other in your life. The reason for that is stability from which you can be solid, flexible, and apt at dealing with situations to protect the future family you would create. That implies that you make a part of you adapted to your partner. It is still a part of you, and you do that for yourself. But it is adapted to your partner.
Once such a thing is in place, how could there be no attachment? Not being attached, means not being deeply involved with the other person. Not evey relationship needs a deep involvement or a deep change, but I believe that attacement is valuable as a binding force that encourage changement and adaptation with your partner.
The important concept is rather how to you take care of this attachement. And there, I agree that it must be let go of when unjustified. There is a part of you that you wouldn't change for your partner, and a part of them that you shouldn't change. Those segments of your lives are forever changing.
Always welcome attachement and changes, and always let them go as well...
Agree 1000%, well said
as much as I hate to say it, "it's all about the balance"
@@amneenja5720 I like that idea, that's definitely more realistic than black/white perspective. But I like to phrase it otherwise : it's about what is "appropriate". It is appropriate to attach yourself. Sometimes. It is also appropriate to detach yourself. Sometimes.
It's really about trying to see clearly how things are changing and honestly acting how you feel, not how you imagine that you should feel.
In my previous comment, it would mean : if you are happy changing for the other person, that is going to create a justified attachment. But one day you might not be happy anymore about that part of you, for various reasons. Then you can just let it go slowly. Not easy when it comes to love, but I believe attachment to be so useful, since it keeps you out of temptation and close to your family. It's basically recognizing your purpose in life in someone else.
fr
completely agree. there is no such thing as loving without attachment, that would be called appreciation. i guess it depends on what people consider the "loving" actions themselves, but in my opinion there is no way to form a bond with someone without some sort of attachment.
i believe loving with HEALTHY attachments is what we should really be talking about here. not all attachment is unhealthy, when it is secure it is safe, enjoyable, and beneficial for all parties involved! :)
this is becoming incredibly uncanny sisyphus. here i am looming over and asking myself if i should act on my feelings for a girl i have had for a while, and you post this. great timing indeed.
Hey Sisyphus55, I realized I need to credit you for very much of the personal growth I’ve accomplished over the last year since my breakup and even before then. Your content was exactly what I needed to codify what a lot of my feelings were and be more conscious of others and of my own mental realm. Thank you
Sisyphus is back and thriving. We will always support them no matter what.
Inconditional love does exist ok 😤
wyd if he suddenly becomes nazi
when i realized how much i loved being with myself and doing the things i love without remorse, i understood a little bit more about not chaining people down for the sake of love. i jus love being FREE ;P
This video was a huge eye opening to me and might have changed my life. Thank you so much for making this and for all the comments giving extra insight.
I am so glad I found this channel so long ago it helped me heal the wounds that were made from poor relationships and depression I'm so glad you were able to word things in such a way and give literally life changing ideas/ advice
I am blessed enough to be raised by parents who I believe have taught me love the correct way. This video has opened my eyes a bit to how over people perceive love. Good video homie
This video brings up some great memories as well as sad thoughts. I can't help but feel cheated of this experience as every partner I've had basically used me for their own selfish needs and so I find myself doubting that anyone would love me for non narcissistic reasons. But, if nobody else really finds me lovable for now, at least I like myself enough to enjoy my own company, add in some parasocial youtuber nonsense and I think I'll just chill until someone treats me well :p
One of the most ESSENTIAL dispositions to adopt as a man is:
To be outcome independent.
Of course strive and fight for what you are looking for out of this life. But have the courage to choose happiness and love for yourself regardless of the outcome. This is such a powerful message Jonah has taught us and we need to live by it.
Choose outcome independence and you outcome will be a good one.
This. I'm not a guy but I feel this is an important outlook for everyone to have in life.
Tough to wrap my head around this. I’m almost entirely outcome dependent, I believe that oftentimes ends justify the means. Why would I do things that result in outcomes I don’t desire, simply to learn that I don’t like those outcomes?
@@nickthompson1812 Because you might adjust the desired outcome through the journey of achieving it, and end up happier for it. You are not embracing the growth to get to the outcome as something positive by itself. Being outcome independent allows you to miss the target but appreciate what you learned and gained on the way.
This is just the video I needed to see today, thank you sisyphus.
This has seriously helped me learn. Thank you so very much. I never learned how to love others. I genuinely had no examples to follow, and I was the unhealthy partner without realizing it. Thanks for helping to teach me and show me what I was doing and how to change
Great work mate ❤
Good evening mate
HOLY SHIT YOU?? HERE??
2 youtubers I WATCHED BEFORE THEY BLEW UP (I make this about myself)
@@envadeh Count me in. Never seen LIMC on the wilds before.
boundaries is absolutely necessary unless you want to sacrifice your own integrity. Our own acts and behaviors are interwoven with the realities of other, separate people. There’s no way around that.
If your partner wants something which either directly or indirectly will hurt you on some level there has to be compromise or separation.
The exact same logic applies to groups. Socializing is ALWAYS going to involve sacrifice of the self on some level.
i am genuinely showing this to the next person i seriously date. I needed this, we all needed this.
We appreciate the activity of your work man. Don’t overwork yourself❤
girl here! i really needed this. i'm on the receiving end of a 2+yr relationship very similar to the one described (lack of agency with an insecure bf) and it's so exhausting... it's draining and stressful and while i'm proud of the ways that i've grown and the things i've learned, i can feel that i wasn't the same person i was before i got into a relationship (and not in the good way). it honestly feels like shit to realize this so late, since up until recently i tried to convince myself (who, by the way, has nobody to consult since i was praised immensely for not having friends. among other isolating things. yeah, real dumb. go figure) that this was normal.
... what i'm trying to say is, thanks so much for making this video! i feel so affirmed and it feels like i'm not alone anymore! thank you a million times over!! i hope that beautiful things come your way
Really sounds like you love the guy. In the end, situations like this are based entirely on whether or not you've broken trust at some point. If you have, he has the right to be insecure. (also childhood trauma could give reason) but not then you should leave.
thanks everybody for creating a nice space in the comments to explore and on our own feelings within this subject :) its really nice to read everybody's perspectives and to reflect on my own..
Tuesday I went through my first heartbreak. Me and this girl have been helping each other and laughing so hard with each other. Shes a genuinely amazing person. I cried when I heard her say she already has a bf. It bumped me out for two days but after talking to some family members who’ve been through much worse, I’m finally able to take the first steps to move on from these feelings. Even though we can’t be together I’ll still have her as a friend. I’m just a little scared a small part of me won’t be able to let go. I first need to love myself before I can love someone else. It’s just a bump on n the road, I tripped but I didn’t fall face first into dirt, I’ll get back up and keep walking. I hope you all find peace.
4:06pm
Dec,15,23
Do not stay friends with a girl who you love. It is pointless self harm. Save the energy for someone who deserves and reciprocates it.
I feel like you and I are learning a lot about the same concepts these days. Buddhism and object relations. Life changing stuff
I don't agree that we should have no expectations from the other person in the relationship. Love is, to an extent, a sacrifice you make by limiting your freedom in order to reach new freedoms within that love you build together with the other person. That sacrifice is real although the extent to which it reaches can be put into question by every couple. To love someone "with no strings attached" and without any dreams and hopes about your future is not really love.
Crazy to think that the manic leader of an insurrection against heaven itself is so wise. Thank you, King Sisyphus. We must imagine you happy.
As an autistic person with (quiet)bpd, boundaries and possession have been such an interesting thing to me that I've been educating myself for years on, attempting to practice what it means to be oneself and commune with another who is also oneself, and share such mutual ground by expressly communicated joy and consent. It's really beautiful when we get to experience one another for who we are inside, and it's always made sense to me and made me happy. As someone with bpd though, though I did a lot of work to feel very confident I could abide the principals in my every day life, finding balance and happiness, I neglected the overwhelming feelings that come forward when I develop a favorite person, and I've realized that the road to being able to process my extremely intense emotions is long ahead, but exciting. I am someone who is capable of feeling bursting emotional experiences that others would not understand or relate to, and as long as I develop the skills to level myself and process my emotions internally without reactively dumping them on those who I care about deeply, I will meet people who will be as enamored as I am with them. I so vividly want to share my emotional experiences with others, and see theirs cast to me together.
I think this philosophy is just that. In real life to love is to attach one cannot exist without the other, and if it's a healthy mutual attachment then that is the key. No attachment makes it all feel like it's not human, and we a social creatures in our core.
I cried because this is true. This is the hard lesson I need to learn. I cried because I am scared.
Too scared to be vulnerable, too scared that a person I could love might hurt me and break my heart all over again, too scared to be left alone with the pathetic sense of worth that is myself. I'm scared to be alone.
And I need to learn that.. I know that now.
I wish I had understood this before we broke up a bit better. Toward the end I was struggling a lot, expressing my needs and feeling invalidated/and like they couldn’t be met, I felt so hopelessly in love but so broken like I couldn’t do what they needed (needs were not expressed almost ever - and if they were it was about my emotional intensity being too much) and I just wanted a deep connection, communication, consistency, and I tried to see him as human and understand where they came from but they couldn’t give me what I needed. I tried to grow for us both, trying not to be so attached to the end result but it was hard not to be, I was so excited. And then they broke up with me with hardly an explanation, a lot of projection, and coldness. I wish we just could’ve had better conversations understanding where each other were at. One day I’ll heal from this and my past a little more and be able to choose love again and commit to it but for now I’m so broken yet grateful I got to experience a little piece of life with them for a little while. It just sucks we couldn’t make it work (& I felt like I was not given the chance).
Sad to hear that. I wanted to comment on this because this actually sound a little like my relationship with my gf rn. My gf can't go a 2 days without see me/ video calling me, she tells me "I miss you" every single day, and she has this bf's to do list for me. I'm not saying you are like her or whatever, but I just find her root problem similar to yours, which is that there is a reliance to your partner to fulfill* your emotional needs. Man needs respect and women needs love, so I think it's honestly somewhat reasonable for my gf to develop such a reliance on me, but it is unhealthy because she is expecting me to give her something back in return of everything she has or hasn't done. It's tiring for me, it's only been a month since we started going out, but I haven't had a good sleep this entire month. But in the end, it's no one's fault, she just doesn't know what she should do, and in your case, it's not your fault either. Love is all about learning and growing, and growing can hurt, that's all.
And I almost forgot what I wanted to write to you: I think, the way to go is to learn to love yourself and just take it easy. Idk why but I've seen far too many people losing themselves in their relationships, yet they are just desparate to hold on to it, even though it's wrecking them. Being able to love yourself, is imo the basic requirement to love another person, and even in the worst situation the other person doesn't love you back, you can take care and love yourself. People and time are all coming and going, not saying that you shouldn't hold on to any relationship, but don't put the responsiblity to improve your life on another person. Think of life as a house and love as the decoration. Love is only an ornament of life, having it should make life more beautiful, but even without it, life is still sufficient on it's own. Spend sometime on your own, learn what make you happy and unhappy, then you'll know what is right for you and what is wrong for you, and you won't need to blindly commit again. Finally, God bless you.
Hello to everyone reading this. Right now, I'm inconsolable. My ex-partner left a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken and saddened since this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I tried, I was unable to win him back. I don't know what to do, but I shouldn't be posting this here.
Since my 12-year relationship ended, I know how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love. But I couldn't just let him go, so I did everything I could to win him back. I finally went to a spiritual counsellor for guidance, and he helped me win back his love.
It's fascinating! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor and how can I get in touch with one most effectively?
Father Obah Eze is a wonderful spiritual counselor who has the ability to bring back your ex.
He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers and he’s the best spell caster to ever live
Thank you for sharing this valuable insight. I just looked father obah eze up, and I'm genuinely impressed.
Sisyphus casually dropping another vid thatll make me cry
do my eyes deceive me? Two consecutive Sisyphus uploads? Incredible man, i adore your work.
Im very grateful to encounter this educational short lesson about what real love is, we're not very often demonstrated this to be able to know how to love this way, so fall into less than ideal ways of experiencing love, i recognise in the past i clung to love to tightly and maybe that suffocated it, but with my new partner i want to have a love so genuine and unconditional that we're both able to be our full selves and enhance eachothers lives through that real love ❤️
As someone who's currently very into someone who's going to be moving in less than a month, after which our ability to hang out will only be through messages for minutes at a time at most, it kinda.. hurts loving them under the looming shadow of their impending departure.
Love grows faster in a vase
@@KraziEyevin This is an interesting saying. Did you make it up or have you heard it before?
@@OddBread I got it from a Bloc Party song.
Feeling this rn, also hello again
Just in time thank u , I was acting immaturely and I needed this
People tell others to "get over themselves" or to "stop being narcissists" as though the problem is that they love themselves too much, when the cause is actually self hatred.
This should be obvious. Why would a person demand love from others if they already had it in abundance towards themselves? They want love becuase they _can't_ love themsleves and don't have any. So what we should instead tell people is to forgive themselves.
This wouldn't be more effective, but it would be more accurate.
I always come back to your videos whenever I feel like I'm lost thinking about my situation, thank you for this, this has been very helpful.
Was just reading a book on attachment styles in relationships! This video couldn't have come at a better time, very insightful on how you not only limit your partner but yourself as well when you create a false image and expectations of them. Slowly learning how to unlearn toxic anxious attachment styles of behavior. The book is Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum if anyone wants to read it too, very helpful about understanding where you get your attachment style and how to understand them better.
In short…without having read the book. You get anxious attachment due to your childhood behaviors. Maybe they were vital to your survival when you were a kid but as an adult they are unhealthy and codependent
Two straight days of uploads? Nice.
Thanks!
Nice sounding in the abstract, doubt it's possible in practice. Better to understand this as a search for balance -- between one's own needs and your partner's, between self-fulfillment and selflessness, and fostering intimacy, trust & affection without being possessive or resistant to change.
To put it another way: some non-attachment = good. But non-attachment as the goal? Nope, not unless you're a strict Buddhist and are trying to entirely let go of both the self and your relationships.
“True love is unconditional but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to construct struggle and change”.
#Facts!
This channel is on a different level tbh. You always seems to decribe my situation with such accuracy. I find my myself actually saying outloud... "damnn" hahah. Keep up the good work.
as always coming through right when i’m in a place mentally where i need a solution to these problems. such a helpful video to help me reframe. i think we all get caught in our insecurities primarily and i constantly fall for the horrible “perfect” image of my partner i have in my head and am then upset and led to spiral out when she is independent or doesn’t do what i fantasized she would. but it’s so helpful to recognize that she truly is her own person and to love her is to respect her and let her dictate the image i have of her, that is to say, her true image, the one she has chosen for herself. thank you sisyphus
This video is the fastest cope ever. But life is cope in itself so it’s no surprise
Thank you, Sisyphus. This video helped me a lot. Recently, I've been struggling with my relationship due to preconceived notions of how a relationship should be. Mine were based on possession, while my partner's is based on just what this video is about. I didn't understand it at first, but now I get it. My partner used to be in non-monogamous relationships, but he chose to be in a monogamous one with me. That made me very insecure and made me feel like I needed to keep him on a leash at all times, mainly out of fear of him betraying me. I was afraid that only me wasn't enough for him, even though it was and it is. I noticed that this fear is childish and based on my own insecurities. I also noticed that he didn't really see a problem with the way our relationship worked, because he'd also been in monogamous relationships before. I was just having a big fucking trip down crazy town. This video enlightned me
Well, it seems like you're still not at the loving without attachment part. What if your fear wasn't childish? What if he wanted to be in a non monogamist relationship again? Would you still be capable of loving him? I don't think it would be a bad thing if the answer was no. But is your love based on the condition that he's monogamous?
To be clear, I'm not a relationship therapist and I have no experience with what it's like to be in a non monogamist relationship, and I hope you don't take anything I day to heart, just a thought experiment. I feel like what you've described is still not taking sisyphus's ideas to their conclusion
@@andynonymous6769 Damn, that's a hard-hitting question. I can't really go with non-monogamous stuff cuz that's just who I am. He clarified that, to him, it doesn't really make that much of a difference. That they are just different settings with different rules. My love isn't based on the condition that we're in a monogamous relationship, but I'd say it depends on it due to who I am as a person. I honestly love him so much. Even the parts of him that relate to non-monogamous stuff. I, however, do not wish to partake in a non-monogamous relationship. And, with me, he expressed that he also thought it felt like it was just meant to be exactly like we agreed on it being. In the end, monogamy is not the base, but it's certainly one of the most important pillars. It's hard also. I do not think that loving without attachment necessarily means opening up your relationship for other people to partake in it. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should love without attachment as to not hurt themselves or the other. It's all incidental. Or, is it all meant to be exactly the way it is? The internet is a beautiful place sometimes. Due to your comment, I got to really think about this. At the end of the day, a relationship is a commitment, and both parts agree to commit to the rules stablished by both parties. Love I feel that comes with time. After a bit of that initial passion fades. It's instead replaced by a calm and tranquil love. It's nice. At the start, I was way too attached. I'd even be jealous when he went out with his friends. That's the unhealthy part. But, that attachment faded. I learned that it was not about possession. He was and is not my toy. He is the love of my life. I learned that I cannot depend on another to be myself. I've got to do that on my own. And, I leave him be sometimes. We talk everyday, but some days we talk way less. When he's with his friends, I don't message him much. I just ask "was it fun?" He usually responds with a "Very much so" and I just feel happy for him. Our relationship had a toxic phase, but I dare to admit that much of that toxicity came from me. And, a bit came from him. We didn't understand each other much and we were way too attached to one another. Nowadays, it's so calm it's almost scary. But, I kind of love it. We rarely fight, we just have arguments. I'm a tad bit clumsy and he usually scolds me for that, but we always laugh it off. As to my insecurities, they're almost always not true. In the past, some were true, and it made me go bananas. But, when that happens nowadays, I know how to deal with it. In the end, love is not the answer. It's a question. And, the answer is: yes.
@@SlimShady-nv4mq wow that last line was very powerful. I'm happy for you and I'm glad I replied
we accept the love WE think we deserve -The Perks of Being a Wallflower
@@melanchlooe The sad truth
You have a great skill for putting together a cohesive topic assessment in a very short time
I watched a video by Niclas / Upgrade to life where he says one of his mentors told him the best way to love someone is to love them as if they are free.
Thank you for your post ❤
As a i n t j I actually appreciate you making this videos that are not completely black screened. It is important for me to be able to visualize what is going on as well as do it in my head you make tons of sense I appreciate everything you do for the community. I guess for me what it does is when it's a black screen my mind wanders and I usually refract to going to reach for my phone and scroll through Facebook Marketplace as I listen. Unfortunately I won't catch everything I might have to watch multiple times in order to catch all the details but add tends to make you have a squirrel moment and you get distracted and kind of get drawn away but this particular video is very good even if it has nothing to do with the video it still has something to do where my mind can Daydream while watching something
I've just come out of a very abusive relationship where he possessed everything I had. He never respected my boundaries. I'm so glad you made this video to help me understand why.
I hope you're okay
That's what. We submit or opress/dominate only when we ourselves, don't have our sense of self chalked up to a T. Or atleast somewhat have it figured out.
Everything after that is a good ol' partnership. As it's meant to be.
That's what. We submit or opress/dominate only when we ourselves, don't have our sense of self chalked up to a T. Or atleast somewhat have it figured out.
Everything after that is a good ol' partnership. As it's meant to be.
I just got out of one too, and I also found this video to be enlightening. I knew he was insecure... but this video gives a very good explanation of what's fueling that insecurity. Good luck to you, you have taken an important step to reclaiming the agency over yourself that he took. We're gonna grow from this, girlfriend. And by going through this, we're one step closer to finding someone who will treat us right.
Sending love and healing❤ 🙏
Wow what a video. Something which has helped me in this direction is to accept ANY emotion that arises within me, and allow it to be without changing it. I think there is true freedom to be found in that.
I feel like the word “narcissism” has become over- and misused in recent times, and that people use the word itself to manipulate and shame others into adjusting to their own perspective and beliefs.
I’m a woman, and when I read Jonah’s messages, all I saw was someone clearly communicating their own needs and boundaries, and giving their partner the power to choose to stay and adjust, or leave. He didn’t force her to do anything. He said what made him comfortable, and also said that, if she wasn’t okay with it, she could leave.
I think we would all have healthier relationships if we normalized this type of clear communication and ended relationships before marriage as opposed to tolerating things we don’t want, staying together for years, and ending up in explosive and painful divorces that could have been completely avoided.
He wasn’t acting “narcissistic”. He was mature and clearly communicated what worked for him, and gave her the freedom to leave the relationship. I always want to communicate and be communicated with in this manner. Let’s not waste each others time. Just my thoughts.
I agree completely.
People tend to learn through gross overcorrection.
The 20th century was filled with domineering relationships and gender roles vying for power over the other, so now, the 21st century is grossly overcorrecting toward an abolishment of all gender roles, and relationship boundaries.
Well said! Totally agree with both of you!
Agree that narcissism is over used completely, but I have to acknowledge boundaries are for yourself not for others. Especially with Jonah Hill, where his discomfort came from her doing her job which she had when he started dating her. If it was a deal breaker it’s his responsibility to acknowledge that and find someone who more fits that need. We can’t dictate others only ourselves.
Sisyphus 55 dropping very valuable free therapy. Love this channel.
"you must listen without judgement and you must love without attachment"
Just wanted to say I genuinely needed to hear this, this message is powerful
dude took 5 and a half minutes to say "hi guys i'm poly"
still a rlly thoughtful vid
this video has legitimately changed my view on how i persevere people and how i idealize them in my mind without them being the actual part. Many times, even recently, id put expectations on people of who i wished them to be but not actually what they are, for example: idealizing my friend who has absolutely 0 amount of information on animals as someone who knows exceedingly huge amounts of knowledge on them, thus when they do not meet this criteria or refuse to answer questions based on the subjects I'd get mad or upset because it would not fit my standards. I now acknowledge the fact that i need to work on this, change the way i see people to fit my standards and work on actually seeing them as they are. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you.